June 17, 2024 • 52 mins
In this enlightening episode, we dive deeper into the transformative power of a metamodern approach to caregiving Doug Scott, LCSW, calls the "SH!PS Approach," a method designed to foster solidarity and hope in our relationships and interactions. Our host, Doug, shares personal stories and insightful techniques that have proven effective in creating meaningful connections and healing old wounds.
We explore the core components of the SHIPS approach, breaking down the significance of each letter and how they collectively guide us in entering the worldview of others. Doug emphasizes the importance of truly listening, holding space for others, and employing techniques that foster genuine empathy and understanding. Beginning with the "i" in "ship," Doug shares that the "i," or as he writes, it, "!" is the mast of ship, and stands for "Interview," or sharing of views (entering the view of the other). "S" in "SH!PS" stands for entering into "solidarity." "H" is cultivating "hope." "P" is for trusting "process," and the last letter, "s," stands for inspiring, encouraging, or modeling "service."
The episode also delves into the concept of hope, offering a nuanced definition and practical ways to cultivate it. Using the Law of Three as a framework, Doug explains how affirming, denying, and reconciling forces interact to bring about transformation and new possibilities.
Listeners will gain valuable insights into techniques such as reflective listening, expressing gratitude, and inquiring about core values, all aimed at strengthening our ability to connect with and support others. Whether you're seeking to improve your personal relationships or enhance your professional skills, this episode provides a robust toolkit for fostering deeper, more meaningful interactions.
Join us for an inspiring journey into the heart of human connection, and learn how the SH!PS Approach can help you navigate the complexities of relationships with greater compassion and efficacy.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Yeah, this is good. And like I texted you, you sent me this,
and then I sent it to my cousin Amy.
And it was so just amazing. It was just so amazing.
She has had some real difficulty with her mother.
And so I just sent it to her. I was like, you know, you might listen to this
(00:22):
while you're painting or whatever.
And she did. She actually listened to it. And then the next day,
she said, Oh, my God, it was like divine intelligence at work or something.
It actually helped me craft this letter to my mom that I couldn't have crafted.
It was just it totally gave me the path to do so.
And it was so successful for her that her mom actually wrote back.
(00:45):
It was just a very brief response to her, but it made her teary eyed because
she was like, my mother has never shown a modicum of vulnerability ever.
Ever. And she did in this one moment, and it was powerful for Amy.
And then it actually led to something else, her mother reaching out to the brother
that nobody has spoken with for 10 years.
(01:06):
And I don't know where that's going.
But the fact that it happened, I think you can kind of pat yourself on the back there, Mr. Scott.
Well, thank you. I am a conduit, you know, Because these things were given to
me, and this is basically the,
(01:26):
I mean, if I'm speaking with a Christian,
I would say that this is the kind of approach that Jesus had,
you know, like this idea of solidarity and giving hope and trusting there's
a process and then certainly inviting in the service.
Service but my person could be atheist and
using i could use some sort of
(01:47):
psychological techniques and if they are starting to
feel better about life it is because these
steps you know kind of hit them in order like that and so i'm hoping that this
is a praxis that has gleaned from distilling a lot of stuff for a lot of years
and if it makes sense to people and opens things up that is the The greatest.
(02:11):
That is so wonderful. That's exactly what it's meant to do. So thank you for
sharing that. Really. Yeah.
Awesome. Well, we're going to delve a little bit more deeply into that.
And we're going to talk about like actual techniques.
Love it. And so we thank you, One Infinite Creator, for the opportunity to be
here and to learn more about the SHIPS approach,
(02:34):
that we may be able to have a
guide on how to enter into the lives of our other selves and help other people
experience the freedom that comes from living as channels of your love and light. Amen.
(02:55):
All right. Well, I'm excited to have people here. And we're going to talk about the SHIPS approach.
As you can see, I've kind of made a little fun image there.
And this is one that I can text people, for example, because all in one image,
it sort of bears probably the most important part.
(03:17):
And so we're going to do just a quick overview of the SHIPS approach in terms
of what the S and H and P and, well, the I, of course, and the final S mean.
And then tonight, I was wanting to maybe
share some techniques that have been helpful for me and maybe for others on
(03:38):
how do you enter into solidarity with others and how may we cultivate hope in
ourselves and in others.
All these kinds of things, they require maybe a little bit of guidance and techniques,
simple ones. Now, remember, I didn't say easy.
Simple doesn't mean easy, because we have to have a pretty good sense of self-knowledge,
(04:05):
I think, or really strong desire to be instruments of love and light and peace.
And when that is the case, then our ability to connect with others at these
deeper levels and effective levels is much easier to happen because it's not
our love and it's not our connection that's happening.
(04:27):
It's something that's happening in and through us.
Yeah. Okay. So we can see that one giant humanity is on this ship and the ship
is going forward somewhere.
It's going forward and traversing the waters of third density space-time,
moving forward into fourth density.
(04:51):
And one way that we can enter into the worldview of others is through this mast.
That's the part in the middle that holds up,
the strings that connect the sails all right
so without the sails the ship is
dead in the water it doesn't go anywhere so we have
(05:12):
to have some kind of elevation some
kind of elevated element in this approach which is the mast and that represents
the eye in ships okay so it's right in the middle of the word and we want the
goal here is to enter into the.
(05:33):
View of the other enter into the view of other people so everybody's going to have a worldview,
and we can't assume that we know it because
when we do assume that we know it that's usually when we may you
know get stuck in these kinds
of loops that aren't helpful so just
(05:56):
remembering the eye as entering the view
of the other is is a great way to keep that in mind okay now what we're going
to do is look at solidarity specifically looking at solidarity specifically
these are just things that come to my mind when I'm trying to do this.
(06:16):
Now, granted, I do it every day, multiple times a day with clients,
but I'll be honest with you.
I've actually been doing this more with my family of origin likely and to good
effect and sharing the ship's approach with them.
And these are people that ideologically are very different from me.
(06:37):
World views are very, very different from me and ages. I mean,
they're the older generation.
And yet, these kinds of things that we're talking about today are ways that
I've been able to enter into their lives, and it's been really fruitful for everyone.
Okay. So, the first thing to keep in mind, I think, in solidarity is that it is hard being human.
(07:00):
Even those who think it's easy being human.
Just you to wait. It's going to get hard. We can't get through the human condition
without going through lots of moments of perplexity.
And so, notice, just keep it in mind, keep it in your,
forefront of your mind, of my mind, is that when we are dealing with somebody
(07:24):
else, especially with somebody with whom we might have a conflict, it is hard being human.
It is hard for them to be them.
The other person with whom you're speaking, just know that it's hard. And hold that space.
Okay? Again, in the realm of solidarity, these are other things to keep in mind.
(07:44):
And these are things that I often keep in mind when I'm talking and trying to enter into solidarity.
And if you can picture an iceberg, as we see here in this image, there's an iceberg.
And the top of the iceberg above the water would be the conscious mind.
Right below the water, you would have the subconscious mind. Sub being just below.
(08:07):
And think of it that maybe on the subconscious level, these might be things
that you and I, we know they're there.
We know some things have happened.
We know that there are issues that are very present.
We're not quite ready to look at them. or we don't want to look at them,
(08:28):
but they're very much there.
Okay. So those are the things that are kind of bobbing just below the surface.
Now, there's also in the lower areas of this iceberg, we have the unconscious mind.
And some of these parts of the unconscious mind are way down there to the point
(08:48):
where we don't have much of an idea that they even exist, these areas. is.
But nevertheless, that doesn't mean that these things, the unconscious,
doesn't affect every single second of our life.
Because as good counseling says, as well as the law of one material,
that catalyst, things that happen to us, that assault our senses,
(09:13):
are always processed first through the unconscious,
then the subconscious, and then emerges into our conscious mind,
and we have to make a decision about how to deal with this conscious, the catalyst.
But the filters through which we understand the catalyst are always going to
(09:34):
be coming from the unconscious and subconscious mind.
And I'll give you just one example.
This is an easy example, so forgive the oversimplicity about it. But.
And if today someone saw me this morning and my 8 o'clock,
and I bring my dog every day, and normally my little dog Frankie cannot wait
(09:59):
to get out of the elevator and go right into the person. It's a long hallway.
Think of how many yards, I don't even know.
But as soon as we round the corner, she is off, and she's so excited, and she's sprinting.
Most people are getting down and can't wait to pet frankie
and this this person that i've seen for
a while really good person i i didn't realize they didn't like dogs or are not
(10:24):
comfortable with dogs anyways this dog comes running down the hallway and there
is no it you know i almost i saw him like instead of embracing it was bracing
against okay there's a catalyst of
sweet Frankie running down and then there's the filter that is being processed
in that person and then when Frankie meets them, the behavior is instead of
(10:50):
embrace, it's bracing against, which is just fine.
I'm just saying that's a very simple example though.
But it is important to keep in mind that just because you and I have a sense
of what is right and wrong or a sense of a worldview, it doesn't mean that the
other person shares that.
It is very true that whatever is received is received in the mode of the receiver.
(11:19):
In other words, we don't see things as they are. We see things as we are.
And if you're familiar with the Enneagram, for example, a type two might be
something in a way that is very different from maybe a type five.
Type two meaning feeling leads with the feelings and a type five leading with the thinking mind.
(11:44):
Very different ways to try to understand reality
and would be two very different
ways to understand any given catalyst not only do we have different say enneagram
styles but if you're taking the enneagram as a as a teaching model you would
(12:04):
have nine different styles but we also have
levels of health between, say, average to unhealthy levels,
you know, you might call them compulsions, places of not being very free, to average to healthy.
So the average to unhealthy would be in the realm of like not being able to
(12:27):
respond, but rather reacting, always reacting.
And then average to healthy is greater and greater freedom to respond according
to one's polarity, really, desire to respond intentionally.
All these is very important when we're entering into solidarity with others,
(12:48):
is that what is being said by the other person.
Maybe even behavior that might be confusing or we don't understand where this
is coming from or off-putting even,
is not always what we get because there's the here and the depth of here.
(13:10):
The here is what is actively happening or the behavior or the way someone is reacting, say.
That's the here and if we stay and get stuck on the here with them we'll never get into solidarity,
whatever's being presented by them is usually the product of things coming from the unconscious,
(13:35):
up to the conscience so what i i guess what i'm saying
here is that if us caregivers when we're
trying to do the ship's approach we want
to be able to recognize that there is the
here the immediacy of the now and there's
always the depth of here
the depth here so maybe
(13:57):
an example there would be going to make this one up but let's say you you're
talking with your mother let's say someone is talking to their mother okay i
don't want to talk about your mother let's say someone Someone is talking to their mother,
and the mother just gives them a look.
(14:19):
And in that look, there is all kinds of...
Corrective like shame you know like we don't do that or what are you thinking or that was,
you know that wasn't great and that
might be happening on so if someone is witnessing that
they may not know fully what is going on it's like the mother
(14:40):
just looked there was a period of silence and then the the person the
the daughter or son just like turned and
got angry and walked out you're like what is going on so that's the here but
there's always the depth of here the some things that we don't know yeah and
that is always and everywhere true and then i would lastly say about this one
(15:00):
the depth of here is there's always even deeper deeper deeper deeper,
that there's a level of depth of here where everything that is happening belong,
because it's it's this is the level of respecting the fact that we're all on
a pace that is self-determined,
(15:20):
a pace of learning how to love more and more and more through lifetimes,
not just one lifetime, but lifetimes.
And so it's always good to know, if you're the caregiver, that what is happening right now.
In the immediacy of the moment, and the behavior of the other person,
is only a fraction of the full story.
(15:44):
And then even below that, the full story, there's the meta arc,
the meta narrative of the person who's God, learning how to love and be loved,
and then learning balance and learning unity and all these things that take
the duration of densities.
(16:07):
Okay? All right. Right. Another thing to keep in mind, this is something that
we had gone over last year, and I'll just mention a few things here.
I won't read it out loud, but for me, it's been very helpful to remember that
there is this skin of primal suffering.
There's like these layers of
(16:27):
skin, just like you have an epidermis and dermis and so on and so forth.
But there's this skin of primal suffering that most of
us experience on an unconscious conscious
level remembered the iceberg and
way down here and at the very
very bottom there is this union with god we are always in union with god can't
(16:49):
not be in union with god because we are the one infinite creator having experience
of god's self through our life you know.
But there's a veil of forgetting and so even if at the deepest level we have a.
(17:10):
Primal remembering fundamental memory.
Echo, residue, fragrance of unity. It doesn't mean that that is our immediate lived experience.
And usually the first thing that pops up is fear.
This primal fear of, oh my God, I'm cut off, I'm exiled, I'm separate, I don't belong.
(17:36):
How do I survive physically, emotionally?
So almost always there's a fundamental fear. And then just the next layer that's
built upon, say, that fear is this sense of sadness and even shame.
A sadness that I am, my experience is being one of exile in a sense.
(17:59):
One of, you know, it is hard being human. And I do feel a little alienated.
I think most of us feel that way. Even if someone's done, you know,
it's pretty optimistic and not a lot of hardship, there would be times of feeling
kind of alienated or alone.
But a lot of us would feel this sense of shame, like we somehow are unworthy
(18:24):
of belonging and we have to kind of fight, light,
freeze, or whatever.
Flamboyant you know kind of trying trying to do our little dance to earn our way back into,
feeling like we belong yeah so that sense of shame is there and then on top
(18:48):
of that built on the fear and then built on the shame there's this layer of
the end of primal suffering that is kind of
bellicosity or anger you know it's this anger that life is hard you know there's
there's this sense of injustice primal injustices that aren't right so for example you know i see kids,
(19:16):
in therapy and even young kids if if they're coming up in a household that there's
a lot of hurting people, you know, adults that are hurting, the kid has some kind of internal.
Measuring or metric that says to them, it shouldn't be this hard,
(19:38):
or it shouldn't, we shouldn't have this much yelling.
You know, there's confusion because they, you know, mommy and daddy said they
love me, or they say they love their family, but then there's a lot of behavior
that makes me question that.
And if you're three or four, you don't have the mental wherewithal to think
in these ways. So it's just kind of like surviving.
(20:00):
But what that often produces is a deep-seated anger that can contribute to this
warlike worldview, which is bellicosity.
And just to reiterate what the Law of One material says is that bellicosity
is, you could call it the great...
(20:22):
Great problem that we might have as a human collective is our inability to recognize
and process our inner bellicosity and our collective bellicosity in ways that would mitigate the.
Anger and the warlike worldview.
(20:44):
And that's usually through, I think it's pretty much only through understanding
and love and forgiveness.
But anyways just just
to keep in mind in solidarity that there are these layers that
the person that you're working with is
almost for sure going to have these layers
(21:04):
in this order and not recognize it
probably especially if they're men men would be
really good at expressing anger but they don't realize that
below that anger there's the sadness and shame and
then below that there's this fear all right
so you can't tell them that is that
what is that going to do so it can help you get into solidarity with them
(21:25):
but you can hold it inside your heart for some serious compassion and capacity
for empathy okay so here's some techniques for the solidarity some things we
can do so really listening really listening Listening to the other person.
And I think one of the greatest ways to listen is to listen so that we can repeat
(21:52):
back to the other person what we think we heard.
So clients of mine would often, I mean, I'm sure they hear me say this odd infinitum.
Okay, let me repeat back what I think I heard you say, and then please correct me if I'm wrong.
And then I'll say something, but I won't say the exact same words.
(22:12):
I'll say what I think I understood them saying.
And if I said it right, in other words, I asked them, did I get it right?
And if they say no, I ask them to help me understand.
If they say yes, then they know and I know that we're all on the same page.
There's no assuming here.
(22:34):
There's, we have the facts. Yeah. And then something else that we can do is
to be very active in remembering.
In other words, maybe repeating some kind of background music in your head is
connection over correction.
Resist the temptation to correct the person first.
(22:55):
Because that won't do anything. It's connection first.
And then usually when you do the connection right, a lot of times the correction
just actually emerges by itself, for example.
If I am 15%, I'm just going to make this up.
(23:17):
Let's say I'm having a problem, a conflict with somebody.
And upon recognizing, you know, honestly, they're mostly wrong.
They're mostly not correct here.
But I could have said some things differently, or there was an approach that
I could have done differently here.
I'm going to own 10%, 15%. of this, in my head, I'm going to find a way for
(23:44):
me to recognize how I could have done something better.
I'm going to vocalize that and say, I'm really sorry for this.
I'm not going to say I'm sorry, but I'm just going to say it out loud and own it.
And when the energy is right, when the energy of my intention,
which is to honor the fact that I am a dancing, I'm a dance partner in this
(24:05):
conflict and I could have done a little bit better.
When I own that, then oftentimes that actually frees the other person to say, I'm sorry too.
So where you're like, oh my God, I'm so amazed. Like in the back of your head,
it's like, I'm so amazed that they're actually apologizing. Never heard them
say, I'm sorry, ever, ever, ever.
(24:26):
But it's because they're free because you're free.
If you're free to model apologizing, I'm sorry, without any buts,
without any qualifications, then it frees them up.
Now, maybe they don't say I'm sorry back, but if you're saying it your part
with the kind of integrity we're talking about, you won't need them to say it back.
(24:49):
Your capacity to enjoy the moment isn't going to be impeded.
By their action because you've owned your part karma is that's clean you know all right,
some things we can say though before was some things we could do so now some
(25:10):
things we can't say in terms of cultivating oh sorry entering into solidarity
these are just some examples,
so i'll just read them out loud here i don't know your experience with this thing,
but if i were in your shoes i might
feel really scared or i
might feel pretty angry or i might be really
(25:32):
confused so you know you're you're stating
that i don't know how you're feeling about
it but i can tell you what i would feel about
it if i were in your shoe and then after you
state that you can say well so what do you think about what i'm
saying like this is how i'd feel and oftentimes what this does is it seems to
(25:55):
be very true especially with men but not always i think it's third density space
time is we're not well practiced at.
Humans aren't well-practiced at being able to verbalize their experiences in
words that conveys what they're experiencing.
(26:17):
It's like it's beyond the verbiage, the verbal skills for a lot of people.
It doesn't mean they're not smart or anything.
It's just a really hard thing to do.
And if something very powerful has happened to you, how do you convey that in
a way that honors the experience of that?
But if you and
i offer them a
(26:40):
a script in a sense like well this is
how i would feel if i were in your shoes
you're not saying that they should feel this you're
just saying you're get you're modeling a way to
to talk about it and then once you state
that and you say well what do you think about what i'm
saying all of a sudden it's just like magic
(27:00):
all of a sudden like this opens up their capacity to enter
into their experience and talk
about it in a new way and so
i'm just offering that to us to think about as one technique um here's another
one i can really tell that this thing is important to you you know by virtue
(27:22):
of what's going on and the way that you're so frustrated or the way that you're
so happy about this thing like i can really tell that this was a big deal.
So what you're doing here actually is you're providing them with a compassionate
witness, a mirror that is verbalizing the energy that they're exhibiting.
(27:45):
I can see that this was a big deal for you.
And most of us humans, we want to be seen and heard.
We don't want to be fixed and we don't want to be told what to do, but we do want to be seen.
We want to be heard we want to be sat with we want to be accompanied okay then often and this is truly,
true when i hear what they've gone through especially if it's a really hard
(28:09):
time maybe a really rough childhood or some kind of experience and even if they're
not doing all that well they could be doing a whole lot worse you know so maybe
i would be doing a lot worse if I were in their shoes.
So I often will say out loud, I was like, how in the heck did you get through that?
How are you this put together? I mean, I know you've complained that you really
(28:32):
feel like you're screwed up right now, but I'm really letting you know,
I don't know how you got through that.
Okay. So think about that. Like if you're hearing that.
You are, first off, you're being validated.
But secondly, there's a sense of, wow, maybe I'm not a piece of shit as much as I thought I was.
(28:52):
Or maybe there's more to me than other people can see.
Because most of us, I'm not talking about everybody, but most humans,
unfortunately, well, I say maybe at least I can say in the West and a lot in the United States.
Most of us walk around with fairly low self-esteem, a sense of we don't really
(29:17):
belong because of those three, those primal layers.
And so when we can have ourselves be validated, and it's like,
wow, that is pretty resilient.
That's a great way to feel bolstered, but also to want to invite the other person inside my life.
Okay. And then another one, the last one here, I want to share in terms of some
(29:40):
things we can say to enter into solidarity is thanking them.
We can never underestimate the power of gratitude.
It is a freaking privilege to enter into someone's life, to hear their story,
especially if they're offering something that they might not feel so comfortable
(30:02):
offering, but they risked the vulnerability with you.
We really need to honor that. you would want to have it honored to you, I'm sure.
So we say, thanks for sharing that. Now, even if it's something that you totally
disagree with, like they give you a point of view that is.
Whoa, you've never left your town in your entire life and you're telling,
(30:24):
you're real sure about how to solve the world's problems.
We have some, I know some people like that. Anyways, we can still thank them
because they really are trying.
And I'm inviting us to consider the words of Brene Brown, one of my people I
(30:45):
look up to and I listen to.
It has been helpful for me, her teachings.
One of the things that she says is life is easier and better if we choose to
believe that people are trying to do their best.
That moment even though they're maybe their
(31:05):
behavior is super not cool and whatever
but because of the iceberg thing what we're
seeing is only the tip of the iceberg and all of that we have no idea what kinds
of monsters lurk below the water say and if we live their life we might even
(31:26):
be worse off you know maybe they're really holding it together with their crappy behavior
that we would label as crappy all i'm
saying here is we can sincerely
thank them for their point of view their opinion doesn't
mean we have to agree but we can off we can offer them a token of gratitude
(31:47):
for risking to share that and if they can sense the good faith in that then
sometimes that opens up to them to ask you what you think or feel how it might
be very similar The world might be different,
you know, but these are the attitude,
the energy through which we do the solidarity makes or breaks it.
(32:10):
And we have to really want to fit with them in it.
I was going to play this entering into solidarity through empathy short.
I'll link it in the forum and online.
I'll put it in there. It's about five minutes, which is five minutes I don't
(32:31):
want to spend on it, but it is really good.
It's based on Brene Brown's stuff, so you can read it or watch it later.
But it's good and explains a little bit about what empathy looks like.
Okay, so now we're going to do – well, let me stop here and ask,
how is this sitting with you?
(32:52):
What are your thoughts? And so maybe we could take a couple of minutes to just
chit-chat if there's anybody who would like to share.
We're all just in solidarity with each other in silence, in the contemplative
silence of the eternal. Hey, Doug.
Hi, Peter. Hey, how you doing? Hi, everybody. I thought this was really good.
I wanted to make one comment on the last slide.
(33:14):
I thought it was terrific. and I got a lot out of the idea of solidarity and
the perspective on where I'm coming from when I face somebody else.
I was thinking, you made the point that a lot of,
lot of people because of this sense of separation at the
(33:35):
core level and how it blows up
into our expressed personality have sorrow
shame low self-esteem and all that stuff and it's imbalanced in some ways and
interferes with being able to see the other person you know because we're looking
you know we're looking from the point of view of that we're separate from them
(33:57):
who are weaker or there's something wrong with us.
But I think equally you have the other side of that imbalance where you have,
and I know I've done it myself in life, where it's kind of like in some ways I think I'm special.
So the separation creates a sense of I'm saved, you're not saved. I know, you don't know.
(34:17):
And so it kind of pings back and forth, I think. I thought I'd like to hear
you comment on that for a minute and then we can go on.
You bring up a great point. One of the things that I stressed at the beginning
of the part one when I talked about ship's approach, and I'll restate it here,
is that I'm making the assumption that the ship's approach sort of belongs in
(34:44):
the realm of maybe the vow of the bodhisattva, if you will.
That there's a sense for someone doing this approach that we're really intentional
and we're knowing what we're doing,
not to manipulate the other person, but to actually help our other selves,
(35:05):
which are other selves in the body, to help all of us.
Get through that primal layer, the primal skin of human suffering.
And so, yes, I think it is absolutely true that a lot of us and myself included
can feel sort of supercilious, you know, better than the other person.
(35:27):
And I think that when we're actually actively trying to do the ship's approach,
then it is connection over correction.
So we kind of set aside in a sense or don't allow our sense of rightness to lead.
Really, we're interested in having the other person feel that we're with them.
(35:51):
Did I address that? Anything what you're saying? Maybe I completely missed.
No, I think you addressed it. I mean, it's almost equal but opposite that you
can either feel below someone or above someone.
One yeah you know if there's an imbalance it's going
to polarize from one way to the other maybe some
(36:11):
people are more are more obsessively above above
or going through a phase of life where they know everything it could be
through their belief systems and all that that
have a melancholy to them or there could be due
to depression and everything more of a
sense of you know lesser than and I think that you know it's a matter of just
(36:32):
being aware of seeing the person as they are and when you do that it forces
you to be mindful and let go of your own.
Your own misperceptions you know it's a
technique to let go of your own to get
beyond your own shadow your own
(36:54):
set of glasses so that you know to really tune in to the other person you know
hold sacred space let's say you know it's a technique for letting go of being
above and below it's not easy right no no it's it's hard and i i would say that
for those familiar with With the anchored self, floating self,
or the true self, false self teachings,
(37:16):
you can't do the ship's approach from a false self perspective.
You're going to want to embody the true self here.
I'm not saying the false self, our false self, our ego, self is wrong or bad.
I'm not saying that. But like you're saying there, Peter, you do want to be
housed inside the anchored self that's anchored into God,
(37:40):
and then from that, enter into the false self, usually the floating self of the other.
The anchored self, the true self of the other is often the depth of here,
but it's unseen, unknown, and unacknowledged.
So what we do see is their floating self, the false self.
And if you're in your anchored self, then using the ship's approach,
(38:03):
you're going to be communicating to their floating self, their false self,
all the while you know that there is their anchored self that you're trying
to help them learn how to embody.
So deep calls into deep, but usually you're not talking to the deep.
You're usually talking to the floating self of the other.
(38:27):
I got that. Yeah. Okay. Rudy, did you say, do you have something you wanted to share?
I think I might've possibly just been random ass off mute. And that's my bad.
If was I audible? I hope I wasn't.
No. Okay, great. Okay. The, since I'm here, hello.
(38:49):
The thought that I had as I was listening is one of the things that's very interesting
is that from the lived and internal perspective,
the pain body can seem extremely unique to each individual person because their
circumstances are very unique.
But looking at it zoomed out on the macro it's it was very interesting to see
(39:13):
how many how much pain architecture is really universal and quite the same that
was that was very interesting to see,
yeah thank you it's a magnitude an order of magnitude so we might have there's
the genus of dogs but then there's the species of uh you know all these different
(39:35):
breeds so they're unique but then you pull back and you can see this universal pattern.
Yeah, absolutely. Okay. We're going to move along here. All right. Watch that one.
Okay. So we're going to jump into hope. Okay.
Simple definition this is certainly not academic but a
(39:57):
simple definition of hope might be
an underlying feeling and or
belief that things will be okay in the end and if it's not okay then it's not
the end yet all right and that can be very helpful just to have that simple
definition and to acknowledge that there's a feeling things are going to get better.
(40:22):
Now, sometimes we need to look at those things because maybe if we're always
projecting goodness in the future and not appreciating the goodness that's present,
then usually we'll never live into the goodness in the future.
Because when we get, quote, there in the future, we won't be present either.
(40:42):
We'll be thinking about another future where we're projecting what we want.
But nevertheless, the sense of an underlying okayness now, like there's an undergirding
field of this belongs, hang in there.
You'll understand later. You'll live into the answers.
(41:05):
It's that kind of feeling. now i've
not seen this one about to say a lot
online so i'm i'm maybe risking here
to share what i might be feeling hope is i'm
going to share this and we can try it
out if you we like it but i've talked in
the past about the law of three so i'm going to
(41:28):
read verbatim what cynthia brujo who's a
wonderful teacher out there master teacher and she currently teaches well she
has her own thing and she also has done some work with the cac okay so when
she describes the law of three she lists four qualities the first one is in
every new arising there are three,
(41:50):
forces involved there's the affirming force the denying force and the reconciling force okay.
Number two is the interweaving of the three produces a fourth and a new dimension.
Number three is affirming, denying, and reconciling are not fixed points or
(42:16):
permanent essence attributes, but can and do shift and must be discerned situationally.
In other words, what today was an affirming force, tomorrow might not be.
So we can't just always say that thing is always going to be the status quo,
and then this thing is always going to be a problem, the denying force.
(42:36):
All right. Number four, solutions to impasses or sticking points generally come
by learning how to spot and mediate third force,
which is present in every situation, but generally hidden. in.
So we're going to unpack a little bit about that because it's always present
(42:58):
in your life, in my life, and it's certainly present when we have problems that
we feel like we're stuck in.
All right, so I'm going to continue reading.
This is Cynthia. Let's consider a simple example. A seed, as Jesus says,
quote, unless it falls into the ground and dies, remains a single seed.
(43:18):
If the seed does fall into the ground
it enters a sacred transformative process feed
the first or affirming force meets
ground the second or denying force so wait so can you see in your mind like
that here comes the seed it's affirming it's affirming in one direction and
(43:39):
if the ground didn't exist I mean it would just keep on falling but here's the
ground sure boom the denying forces is it's denying the falling of the seed.
You see that? Okay.
So meets ground, the second or denying force. And she has in parentheses.
And at that, it has to be moist ground, water being its most critical first component.
(44:02):
Okay, but even in this encounter, which is seed and ground, nothing will happen
until sunlight, a third or reconciling force, enters the equation.
Then, among the three, they generate a sprout, which is the actualization of
the possibility latent in seed.
(44:24):
A whole new field of possibility.
But think about this. A seed is like an egg. It is small, it contains the plenum
of a maple tree, a huge tree.
It's all contained in that seed, but it is not the maple tree yet. It's in potential.
(44:45):
And when you have the law of three working, because things only transform according
to the affirming force, denying force, and then midwifing the reconciling force.
When you do that, then you have a sprout, and the sprout is qualitatively different than the seed.
It is now the potential being activated in kinetic energy.
(45:08):
Okay? And lastly, another example she has is the Paschal Mystery is another
example with affirming as Jesus, a human teacher of the path of love,
so that's the affirming force.
Then we have the denying force as the crucifixion and the forces of hatred driving it.
Then we have the reconciling force as the principle of self-emptying or canonic
(45:34):
love willingly engaged.
What she means here is that, let's say, when you are crucified upon your own
problems that you can't seem to get around, you know, or whenever I'm feeling powerless.
Want to be doing something, but I can't because I'm powerless.
(45:54):
Something else is coming up.
And that doesn't mean that the reconciling force is going to happen.
That doesn't mean I'm going to be automatically moved into a better place.
I have to bring the reconciling principle into my situation of being uncomfortable.
And that would be some sense of surrender into
(46:15):
what is happening right now a willingness a willingness
to even though i'm crucified upon
this cross of powerlessness i'm going
to use this problem as a
way to to teach and blame bless and teach
and bless others to recognize my own
humanity and all its gifts you know
(46:36):
with all kinds of techniques that one can do to use
pain as a way to transmit that or transform
it into blessing but when i
can do that that's the reconciling force and what
we see in the gospel here is that the fourth the new arising is revealed through
(46:57):
the this weaving is the kingdom of heaven and that is the sense of joy and solidarity
and hope and all of these things visibly manifested in the very midst of of
human cruelty and brokenness.
That's what building forth is all about. We're building forth from the ground
this sense of solidarity and hope and affirming process, inviting,
(47:21):
encouraging acts of loving service from others.
When we're doing that, then we are building this foundation.
Undergirding joy that is always and everywhere present. We're incarnating that
into the world like a sprout, right in the midst of what we see as human cruelty
(47:43):
and brokenness and bellicosity, right?
So, that's important, I think.
So, maybe just as a graphic, we might see, and you can think of yourself in this,
or think of the last time you were helping somebody else,
you know that they they were going about
their life in a certain way and then
(48:03):
all of a sudden it's a denying something just really
cuts it you know there's a denying the wall thing and right there and this crux
this place of perpendicularity even if we can't see it and we certainly don't
maybe even feel like it's possible,
(48:25):
it is always true that somewhere hidden in the soil of that crux,
in the soil of that seemingly immovable situation,
there is a reconciling force and it's hidden like the seeds under the soil.
And our jobs, I think, if we choose to do this ship's approach is,
(48:48):
first off, to believe that, to trust it, you can even, at some point,
you know, when you move more into practicing this a lot.
Ra would call this the adept level, you start to feel someone else's hidden
reconciling force that they have no ideas there, but you can feel it,
you sense it, you know it's there.
And you can help midwife, you're going to be the gardener that's cultivating
(49:13):
those hidden seeds of hope.
There's different ways, but just that's the job. That's the great honor duty, if you will.
And I'm going to provide one thing of, oh, looks like we have to go pretty soon.
Okay. Well, let me just read this out loud and then we'll close.
(49:33):
This is inquiring about values. So this is one way to ask a person about hope
is ask the person to imagine that they had passed away, and were able to witness their funeral.
After their funeral, they could see their loved ones gathered around and hearing
with each other how much they meant.
So, ask them, what would be three things that you would really hope that your
(49:57):
loved ones would say about you?
It's an amazing technique, and you really can help people bring from the unconscious
conscious or subconscious up to the conscious level three values three or four
values that they have lived with and for all of their lives and haven't known it about it you know,
(50:18):
another way to approach it would be think about two people whom
you really admire think about why you
admire them and think about the kind of character these people have if you can
name three or four things that come to mind about their character that of why
you admire them what would they be what would those characteristics be so it's
just another way for people to think about because whatever we see in somebody
(50:41):
else that we absolutely admire.
It's it the reason why we admire that in that person is because we have it too
we we honor it too it might be latent inside us but that is what we owe we have and we operate from.
Don't know it because I'm unconscious. So anyways, this is, this concludes part two.
(51:03):
We didn't get all the way through the SHIPS process, but I'm going to stop sharing
here and ask you maybe just a, was this helpful,
did you want to, maybe at some point we can continue and have a part three, what are your thoughts?
I, I really appreciate it, Doug. I think I'm getting a headstart on my classes. So thank you.
(51:30):
One of the best episodes of Seinfeld was when Elaine was trying to figure out
if a boy was sponge-worthy.
And your presentation, Doug, was three-worthy.
So you can do a third one.
Well, you know, there is the Holy Trinity.
(51:53):
Good. Okay. Well, thank you. Yeah, I think, Doug, I think it's important stuff, as I told you.
It seems really simple but i think it's you know we grow through relationship,
until we get to the ultimate relationship of the big
self or whatever so i think i think it's it's critical a lot of people can't
do it they're not going to be able to do this i think most of us we can do it
(52:18):
it's just that we didn't know that there maybe is a pattern that we could do
it i'm hoping that's the truth.
Yeah, this is good. And like I texted you, you sent me this,
and then I sent it to my cousin Amy.
And it was so just amazing. It was just so amazing.
She has had some real difficulty with her mother.
And so I just sent it to her. I was like, you know, you might listen to this
(00:22):
while you're painting or whatever.
And she did. She actually listened to it. And then the next day,
she said, Oh, my God, it was like divine intelligence at work or something.
It actually helped me craft this letter to my mom that I couldn't have crafted.
It was just it totally gave me the path to do so.
And it was so successful for her that her mom actually wrote back.
(00:45):
It was just a very brief response to her, but it made her teary eyed because
she was like, my mother has never shown a modicum of vulnerability ever.
Ever. And she did in this one moment, and it was powerful for Amy.
And then it actually led to something else, her mother reaching out to the brother
that nobody has spoken with for 10 years.
(01:06):
And I don't know where that's going.
But the fact that it happened, I think you can kind of pat yourself on the back there, Mr. Scott.
Well, thank you. I am a conduit, you know, Because these things were given to
me, and this is basically the,
(01:26):
I mean, if I'm speaking with a Christian,
I would say that this is the kind of approach that Jesus had,
you know, like this idea of solidarity and giving hope and trusting there's
a process and then certainly inviting in the service.
Service but my person could be atheist and
using i could use some sort of
(01:47):
psychological techniques and if they are starting to
feel better about life it is because these
steps you know kind of hit them in order like that and so i'm hoping that this
is a praxis that has gleaned from distilling a lot of stuff for a lot of years
and if it makes sense to people and opens things up that is the The greatest.
(02:11):
That is so wonderful. That's exactly what it's meant to do. So thank you for
sharing that. Really. Yeah.
Awesome. Well, we're going to delve a little bit more deeply into that.
And we're going to talk about like actual techniques.
Love it. And so we thank you, One Infinite Creator, for the opportunity to be
here and to learn more about the SHIPS approach,
(02:34):
that we may be able to have a
guide on how to enter into the lives of our other selves and help other people
experience the freedom that comes from living as channels of your love and light. Amen.
(02:55):
All right. Well, I'm excited to have people here. And we're going to talk about the SHIPS approach.
As you can see, I've kind of made a little fun image there.
And this is one that I can text people, for example, because all in one image,
it sort of bears probably the most important part.
(03:17):
And so we're going to do just a quick overview of the SHIPS approach in terms
of what the S and H and P and, well, the I, of course, and the final S mean.
And then tonight, I was wanting to maybe
share some techniques that have been helpful for me and maybe for others on
(03:38):
how do you enter into solidarity with others and how may we cultivate hope in
ourselves and in others.
All these kinds of things, they require maybe a little bit of guidance and techniques,
simple ones. Now, remember, I didn't say easy.
Simple doesn't mean easy, because we have to have a pretty good sense of self-knowledge,
(04:05):
I think, or really strong desire to be instruments of love and light and peace.
And when that is the case, then our ability to connect with others at these
deeper levels and effective levels is much easier to happen because it's not
our love and it's not our connection that's happening.
(04:27):
It's something that's happening in and through us.
Yeah. Okay. So we can see that one giant humanity is on this ship and the ship
is going forward somewhere.
It's going forward and traversing the waters of third density space-time,
moving forward into fourth density.
(04:51):
And one way that we can enter into the worldview of others is through this mast.
That's the part in the middle that holds up,
the strings that connect the sails all right
so without the sails the ship is
dead in the water it doesn't go anywhere so we have
(05:12):
to have some kind of elevation some
kind of elevated element in this approach which is the mast and that represents
the eye in ships okay so it's right in the middle of the word and we want the
goal here is to enter into the.
(05:33):
View of the other enter into the view of other people so everybody's going to have a worldview,
and we can't assume that we know it because
when we do assume that we know it that's usually when we may you
know get stuck in these kinds
of loops that aren't helpful so just
(05:56):
remembering the eye as entering the view
of the other is is a great way to keep that in mind okay now what we're going
to do is look at solidarity specifically looking at solidarity specifically
these are just things that come to my mind when I'm trying to do this.
(06:16):
Now, granted, I do it every day, multiple times a day with clients,
but I'll be honest with you.
I've actually been doing this more with my family of origin likely and to good
effect and sharing the ship's approach with them.
And these are people that ideologically are very different from me.
(06:37):
World views are very, very different from me and ages. I mean,
they're the older generation.
And yet, these kinds of things that we're talking about today are ways that
I've been able to enter into their lives, and it's been really fruitful for everyone.
Okay. So, the first thing to keep in mind, I think, in solidarity is that it is hard being human.
(07:00):
Even those who think it's easy being human.
Just you to wait. It's going to get hard. We can't get through the human condition
without going through lots of moments of perplexity.
And so, notice, just keep it in mind, keep it in your,
forefront of your mind, of my mind, is that when we are dealing with somebody
(07:24):
else, especially with somebody with whom we might have a conflict, it is hard being human.
It is hard for them to be them.
The other person with whom you're speaking, just know that it's hard. And hold that space.
Okay? Again, in the realm of solidarity, these are other things to keep in mind.
(07:44):
And these are things that I often keep in mind when I'm talking and trying to enter into solidarity.
And if you can picture an iceberg, as we see here in this image, there's an iceberg.
And the top of the iceberg above the water would be the conscious mind.
Right below the water, you would have the subconscious mind. Sub being just below.
(08:07):
And think of it that maybe on the subconscious level, these might be things
that you and I, we know they're there.
We know some things have happened.
We know that there are issues that are very present.
We're not quite ready to look at them. or we don't want to look at them,
(08:28):
but they're very much there.
Okay. So those are the things that are kind of bobbing just below the surface.
Now, there's also in the lower areas of this iceberg, we have the unconscious mind.
And some of these parts of the unconscious mind are way down there to the point
(08:48):
where we don't have much of an idea that they even exist, these areas. is.
But nevertheless, that doesn't mean that these things, the unconscious,
doesn't affect every single second of our life.
Because as good counseling says, as well as the law of one material,
that catalyst, things that happen to us, that assault our senses,
(09:13):
are always processed first through the unconscious,
then the subconscious, and then emerges into our conscious mind,
and we have to make a decision about how to deal with this conscious, the catalyst.
But the filters through which we understand the catalyst are always going to
(09:34):
be coming from the unconscious and subconscious mind.
And I'll give you just one example.
This is an easy example, so forgive the oversimplicity about it. But.
And if today someone saw me this morning and my 8 o'clock,
and I bring my dog every day, and normally my little dog Frankie cannot wait
(09:59):
to get out of the elevator and go right into the person. It's a long hallway.
Think of how many yards, I don't even know.
But as soon as we round the corner, she is off, and she's so excited, and she's sprinting.
Most people are getting down and can't wait to pet frankie
and this this person that i've seen for
a while really good person i i didn't realize they didn't like dogs or are not
(10:24):
comfortable with dogs anyways this dog comes running down the hallway and there
is no it you know i almost i saw him like instead of embracing it was bracing
against okay there's a catalyst of
sweet Frankie running down and then there's the filter that is being processed
in that person and then when Frankie meets them, the behavior is instead of
(10:50):
embrace, it's bracing against, which is just fine.
I'm just saying that's a very simple example though.
But it is important to keep in mind that just because you and I have a sense
of what is right and wrong or a sense of a worldview, it doesn't mean that the
other person shares that.
It is very true that whatever is received is received in the mode of the receiver.
(11:19):
In other words, we don't see things as they are. We see things as we are.
And if you're familiar with the Enneagram, for example, a type two might be
something in a way that is very different from maybe a type five.
Type two meaning feeling leads with the feelings and a type five leading with the thinking mind.
(11:44):
Very different ways to try to understand reality
and would be two very different
ways to understand any given catalyst not only do we have different say enneagram
styles but if you're taking the enneagram as a as a teaching model you would
(12:04):
have nine different styles but we also have
levels of health between, say, average to unhealthy levels,
you know, you might call them compulsions, places of not being very free, to average to healthy.
So the average to unhealthy would be in the realm of like not being able to
(12:27):
respond, but rather reacting, always reacting.
And then average to healthy is greater and greater freedom to respond according
to one's polarity, really, desire to respond intentionally.
All these is very important when we're entering into solidarity with others,
(12:48):
is that what is being said by the other person.
Maybe even behavior that might be confusing or we don't understand where this
is coming from or off-putting even,
is not always what we get because there's the here and the depth of here.
(13:10):
The here is what is actively happening or the behavior or the way someone is reacting, say.
That's the here and if we stay and get stuck on the here with them we'll never get into solidarity,
whatever's being presented by them is usually the product of things coming from the unconscious,
(13:35):
up to the conscience so what i i guess what i'm saying
here is that if us caregivers when we're
trying to do the ship's approach we want
to be able to recognize that there is the
here the immediacy of the now and there's
always the depth of here
the depth here so maybe
(13:57):
an example there would be going to make this one up but let's say you you're
talking with your mother let's say someone is talking to their mother okay i
don't want to talk about your mother let's say someone Someone is talking to their mother,
and the mother just gives them a look.
(14:19):
And in that look, there is all kinds of...
Corrective like shame you know like we don't do that or what are you thinking or that was,
you know that wasn't great and that
might be happening on so if someone is witnessing that
they may not know fully what is going on it's like the mother
(14:40):
just looked there was a period of silence and then the the person the
the daughter or son just like turned and
got angry and walked out you're like what is going on so that's the here but
there's always the depth of here the some things that we don't know yeah and
that is always and everywhere true and then i would lastly say about this one
(15:00):
the depth of here is there's always even deeper deeper deeper deeper,
that there's a level of depth of here where everything that is happening belong,
because it's it's this is the level of respecting the fact that we're all on
a pace that is self-determined,
(15:20):
a pace of learning how to love more and more and more through lifetimes,
not just one lifetime, but lifetimes.
And so it's always good to know, if you're the caregiver, that what is happening right now.
In the immediacy of the moment, and the behavior of the other person,
is only a fraction of the full story.
(15:44):
And then even below that, the full story, there's the meta arc,
the meta narrative of the person who's God, learning how to love and be loved,
and then learning balance and learning unity and all these things that take
the duration of densities.
(16:07):
Okay? All right. Right. Another thing to keep in mind, this is something that
we had gone over last year, and I'll just mention a few things here.
I won't read it out loud, but for me, it's been very helpful to remember that
there is this skin of primal suffering.
There's like these layers of
(16:27):
skin, just like you have an epidermis and dermis and so on and so forth.
But there's this skin of primal suffering that most of
us experience on an unconscious conscious
level remembered the iceberg and
way down here and at the very
very bottom there is this union with god we are always in union with god can't
(16:49):
not be in union with god because we are the one infinite creator having experience
of god's self through our life you know.
But there's a veil of forgetting and so even if at the deepest level we have a.
(17:10):
Primal remembering fundamental memory.
Echo, residue, fragrance of unity. It doesn't mean that that is our immediate lived experience.
And usually the first thing that pops up is fear.
This primal fear of, oh my God, I'm cut off, I'm exiled, I'm separate, I don't belong.
(17:36):
How do I survive physically, emotionally?
So almost always there's a fundamental fear. And then just the next layer that's
built upon, say, that fear is this sense of sadness and even shame.
A sadness that I am, my experience is being one of exile in a sense.
(17:59):
One of, you know, it is hard being human. And I do feel a little alienated.
I think most of us feel that way. Even if someone's done, you know,
it's pretty optimistic and not a lot of hardship, there would be times of feeling
kind of alienated or alone.
But a lot of us would feel this sense of shame, like we somehow are unworthy
(18:24):
of belonging and we have to kind of fight, light,
freeze, or whatever.
Flamboyant you know kind of trying trying to do our little dance to earn our way back into,
feeling like we belong yeah so that sense of shame is there and then on top
(18:48):
of that built on the fear and then built on the shame there's this layer of
the end of primal suffering that is kind of
bellicosity or anger you know it's this anger that life is hard you know there's
there's this sense of injustice primal injustices that aren't right so for example you know i see kids,
(19:16):
in therapy and even young kids if if they're coming up in a household that there's
a lot of hurting people, you know, adults that are hurting, the kid has some kind of internal.
Measuring or metric that says to them, it shouldn't be this hard,
(19:38):
or it shouldn't, we shouldn't have this much yelling.
You know, there's confusion because they, you know, mommy and daddy said they
love me, or they say they love their family, but then there's a lot of behavior
that makes me question that.
And if you're three or four, you don't have the mental wherewithal to think
in these ways. So it's just kind of like surviving.
(20:00):
But what that often produces is a deep-seated anger that can contribute to this
warlike worldview, which is bellicosity.
And just to reiterate what the Law of One material says is that bellicosity
is, you could call it the great...
(20:22):
Great problem that we might have as a human collective is our inability to recognize
and process our inner bellicosity and our collective bellicosity in ways that would mitigate the.
Anger and the warlike worldview.
(20:44):
And that's usually through, I think it's pretty much only through understanding
and love and forgiveness.
But anyways just just
to keep in mind in solidarity that there are these layers that
the person that you're working with is
almost for sure going to have these layers
(21:04):
in this order and not recognize it
probably especially if they're men men would be
really good at expressing anger but they don't realize that
below that anger there's the sadness and shame and
then below that there's this fear all right
so you can't tell them that is that
what is that going to do so it can help you get into solidarity with them
(21:25):
but you can hold it inside your heart for some serious compassion and capacity
for empathy okay so here's some techniques for the solidarity some things we
can do so really listening really listening Listening to the other person.
And I think one of the greatest ways to listen is to listen so that we can repeat
(21:52):
back to the other person what we think we heard.
So clients of mine would often, I mean, I'm sure they hear me say this odd infinitum.
Okay, let me repeat back what I think I heard you say, and then please correct me if I'm wrong.
And then I'll say something, but I won't say the exact same words.
(22:12):
I'll say what I think I understood them saying.
And if I said it right, in other words, I asked them, did I get it right?
And if they say no, I ask them to help me understand.
If they say yes, then they know and I know that we're all on the same page.
There's no assuming here.
(22:34):
There's, we have the facts. Yeah. And then something else that we can do is
to be very active in remembering.
In other words, maybe repeating some kind of background music in your head is
connection over correction.
Resist the temptation to correct the person first.
(22:55):
Because that won't do anything. It's connection first.
And then usually when you do the connection right, a lot of times the correction
just actually emerges by itself, for example.
If I am 15%, I'm just going to make this up.
(23:17):
Let's say I'm having a problem, a conflict with somebody.
And upon recognizing, you know, honestly, they're mostly wrong.
They're mostly not correct here.
But I could have said some things differently, or there was an approach that
I could have done differently here.
I'm going to own 10%, 15%. of this, in my head, I'm going to find a way for
(23:44):
me to recognize how I could have done something better.
I'm going to vocalize that and say, I'm really sorry for this.
I'm not going to say I'm sorry, but I'm just going to say it out loud and own it.
And when the energy is right, when the energy of my intention,
which is to honor the fact that I am a dancing, I'm a dance partner in this
(24:05):
conflict and I could have done a little bit better.
When I own that, then oftentimes that actually frees the other person to say, I'm sorry too.
So where you're like, oh my God, I'm so amazed. Like in the back of your head,
it's like, I'm so amazed that they're actually apologizing. Never heard them
say, I'm sorry, ever, ever, ever.
(24:26):
But it's because they're free because you're free.
If you're free to model apologizing, I'm sorry, without any buts,
without any qualifications, then it frees them up.
Now, maybe they don't say I'm sorry back, but if you're saying it your part
with the kind of integrity we're talking about, you won't need them to say it back.
(24:49):
Your capacity to enjoy the moment isn't going to be impeded.
By their action because you've owned your part karma is that's clean you know all right,
some things we can say though before was some things we could do so now some
(25:10):
things we can't say in terms of cultivating oh sorry entering into solidarity
these are just some examples,
so i'll just read them out loud here i don't know your experience with this thing,
but if i were in your shoes i might
feel really scared or i
might feel pretty angry or i might be really
(25:32):
confused so you know you're you're stating
that i don't know how you're feeling about
it but i can tell you what i would feel about
it if i were in your shoe and then after you
state that you can say well so what do you think about what i'm
saying like this is how i'd feel and oftentimes what this does is it seems to
(25:55):
be very true especially with men but not always i think it's third density space
time is we're not well practiced at.
Humans aren't well-practiced at being able to verbalize their experiences in
words that conveys what they're experiencing.
(26:17):
It's like it's beyond the verbiage, the verbal skills for a lot of people.
It doesn't mean they're not smart or anything.
It's just a really hard thing to do.
And if something very powerful has happened to you, how do you convey that in
a way that honors the experience of that?
But if you and
i offer them a
(26:40):
a script in a sense like well this is
how i would feel if i were in your shoes
you're not saying that they should feel this you're
just saying you're get you're modeling a way to
to talk about it and then once you state
that and you say well what do you think about what i'm
saying all of a sudden it's just like magic
(27:00):
all of a sudden like this opens up their capacity to enter
into their experience and talk
about it in a new way and so
i'm just offering that to us to think about as one technique um here's another
one i can really tell that this thing is important to you you know by virtue
(27:22):
of what's going on and the way that you're so frustrated or the way that you're
so happy about this thing like i can really tell that this was a big deal.
So what you're doing here actually is you're providing them with a compassionate
witness, a mirror that is verbalizing the energy that they're exhibiting.
(27:45):
I can see that this was a big deal for you.
And most of us humans, we want to be seen and heard.
We don't want to be fixed and we don't want to be told what to do, but we do want to be seen.
We want to be heard we want to be sat with we want to be accompanied okay then often and this is truly,
true when i hear what they've gone through especially if it's a really hard
(28:09):
time maybe a really rough childhood or some kind of experience and even if they're
not doing all that well they could be doing a whole lot worse you know so maybe
i would be doing a lot worse if I were in their shoes.
So I often will say out loud, I was like, how in the heck did you get through that?
How are you this put together? I mean, I know you've complained that you really
(28:32):
feel like you're screwed up right now, but I'm really letting you know,
I don't know how you got through that.
Okay. So think about that. Like if you're hearing that.
You are, first off, you're being validated.
But secondly, there's a sense of, wow, maybe I'm not a piece of shit as much as I thought I was.
(28:52):
Or maybe there's more to me than other people can see.
Because most of us, I'm not talking about everybody, but most humans,
unfortunately, well, I say maybe at least I can say in the West and a lot in the United States.
Most of us walk around with fairly low self-esteem, a sense of we don't really
(29:17):
belong because of those three, those primal layers.
And so when we can have ourselves be validated, and it's like,
wow, that is pretty resilient.
That's a great way to feel bolstered, but also to want to invite the other person inside my life.
Okay. And then another one, the last one here, I want to share in terms of some
(29:40):
things we can say to enter into solidarity is thanking them.
We can never underestimate the power of gratitude.
It is a freaking privilege to enter into someone's life, to hear their story,
especially if they're offering something that they might not feel so comfortable
(30:02):
offering, but they risked the vulnerability with you.
We really need to honor that. you would want to have it honored to you, I'm sure.
So we say, thanks for sharing that. Now, even if it's something that you totally
disagree with, like they give you a point of view that is.
Whoa, you've never left your town in your entire life and you're telling,
(30:24):
you're real sure about how to solve the world's problems.
We have some, I know some people like that. Anyways, we can still thank them
because they really are trying.
And I'm inviting us to consider the words of Brene Brown, one of my people I
(30:45):
look up to and I listen to.
It has been helpful for me, her teachings.
One of the things that she says is life is easier and better if we choose to
believe that people are trying to do their best.
That moment even though they're maybe their
(31:05):
behavior is super not cool and whatever
but because of the iceberg thing what we're
seeing is only the tip of the iceberg and all of that we have no idea what kinds
of monsters lurk below the water say and if we live their life we might even
(31:26):
be worse off you know maybe they're really holding it together with their crappy behavior
that we would label as crappy all i'm
saying here is we can sincerely
thank them for their point of view their opinion doesn't
mean we have to agree but we can off we can offer them a token of gratitude
(31:47):
for risking to share that and if they can sense the good faith in that then
sometimes that opens up to them to ask you what you think or feel how it might
be very similar The world might be different,
you know, but these are the attitude,
the energy through which we do the solidarity makes or breaks it.
(32:10):
And we have to really want to fit with them in it.
I was going to play this entering into solidarity through empathy short.
I'll link it in the forum and online.
I'll put it in there. It's about five minutes, which is five minutes I don't
(32:31):
want to spend on it, but it is really good.
It's based on Brene Brown's stuff, so you can read it or watch it later.
But it's good and explains a little bit about what empathy looks like.
Okay, so now we're going to do – well, let me stop here and ask,
how is this sitting with you?
(32:52):
What are your thoughts? And so maybe we could take a couple of minutes to just
chit-chat if there's anybody who would like to share.
We're all just in solidarity with each other in silence, in the contemplative
silence of the eternal. Hey, Doug.
Hi, Peter. Hey, how you doing? Hi, everybody. I thought this was really good.
I wanted to make one comment on the last slide.
(33:14):
I thought it was terrific. and I got a lot out of the idea of solidarity and
the perspective on where I'm coming from when I face somebody else.
I was thinking, you made the point that a lot of,
lot of people because of this sense of separation at the
(33:35):
core level and how it blows up
into our expressed personality have sorrow
shame low self-esteem and all that stuff and it's imbalanced in some ways and
interferes with being able to see the other person you know because we're looking
you know we're looking from the point of view of that we're separate from them
(33:57):
who are weaker or there's something wrong with us.
But I think equally you have the other side of that imbalance where you have,
and I know I've done it myself in life, where it's kind of like in some ways I think I'm special.
So the separation creates a sense of I'm saved, you're not saved. I know, you don't know.
(34:17):
And so it kind of pings back and forth, I think. I thought I'd like to hear
you comment on that for a minute and then we can go on.
You bring up a great point. One of the things that I stressed at the beginning
of the part one when I talked about ship's approach, and I'll restate it here,
is that I'm making the assumption that the ship's approach sort of belongs in
(34:44):
the realm of maybe the vow of the bodhisattva, if you will.
That there's a sense for someone doing this approach that we're really intentional
and we're knowing what we're doing,
not to manipulate the other person, but to actually help our other selves,
(35:05):
which are other selves in the body, to help all of us.
Get through that primal layer, the primal skin of human suffering.
And so, yes, I think it is absolutely true that a lot of us and myself included
can feel sort of supercilious, you know, better than the other person.
(35:27):
And I think that when we're actually actively trying to do the ship's approach,
then it is connection over correction.
So we kind of set aside in a sense or don't allow our sense of rightness to lead.
Really, we're interested in having the other person feel that we're with them.
(35:51):
Did I address that? Anything what you're saying? Maybe I completely missed.
No, I think you addressed it. I mean, it's almost equal but opposite that you
can either feel below someone or above someone.
One yeah you know if there's an imbalance it's going
to polarize from one way to the other maybe some
(36:11):
people are more are more obsessively above above
or going through a phase of life where they know everything it could be
through their belief systems and all that that
have a melancholy to them or there could be due
to depression and everything more of a
sense of you know lesser than and I think that you know it's a matter of just
(36:32):
being aware of seeing the person as they are and when you do that it forces
you to be mindful and let go of your own.
Your own misperceptions you know it's a
technique to let go of your own to get
beyond your own shadow your own
(36:54):
set of glasses so that you know to really tune in to the other person you know
hold sacred space let's say you know it's a technique for letting go of being
above and below it's not easy right no no it's it's hard and i i would say that
for those familiar with With the anchored self, floating self,
or the true self, false self teachings,
(37:16):
you can't do the ship's approach from a false self perspective.
You're going to want to embody the true self here.
I'm not saying the false self, our false self, our ego, self is wrong or bad.
I'm not saying that. But like you're saying there, Peter, you do want to be
housed inside the anchored self that's anchored into God,
(37:40):
and then from that, enter into the false self, usually the floating self of the other.
The anchored self, the true self of the other is often the depth of here,
but it's unseen, unknown, and unacknowledged.
So what we do see is their floating self, the false self.
And if you're in your anchored self, then using the ship's approach,
(38:03):
you're going to be communicating to their floating self, their false self,
all the while you know that there is their anchored self that you're trying
to help them learn how to embody.
So deep calls into deep, but usually you're not talking to the deep.
You're usually talking to the floating self of the other.
(38:27):
I got that. Yeah. Okay. Rudy, did you say, do you have something you wanted to share?
I think I might've possibly just been random ass off mute. And that's my bad.
If was I audible? I hope I wasn't.
No. Okay, great. Okay. The, since I'm here, hello.
(38:49):
The thought that I had as I was listening is one of the things that's very interesting
is that from the lived and internal perspective,
the pain body can seem extremely unique to each individual person because their
circumstances are very unique.
But looking at it zoomed out on the macro it's it was very interesting to see
(39:13):
how many how much pain architecture is really universal and quite the same that
was that was very interesting to see,
yeah thank you it's a magnitude an order of magnitude so we might have there's
the genus of dogs but then there's the species of uh you know all these different
(39:35):
breeds so they're unique but then you pull back and you can see this universal pattern.
Yeah, absolutely. Okay. We're going to move along here. All right. Watch that one.
Okay. So we're going to jump into hope. Okay.
Simple definition this is certainly not academic but a
(39:57):
simple definition of hope might be
an underlying feeling and or
belief that things will be okay in the end and if it's not okay then it's not
the end yet all right and that can be very helpful just to have that simple
definition and to acknowledge that there's a feeling things are going to get better.
(40:22):
Now, sometimes we need to look at those things because maybe if we're always
projecting goodness in the future and not appreciating the goodness that's present,
then usually we'll never live into the goodness in the future.
Because when we get, quote, there in the future, we won't be present either.
(40:42):
We'll be thinking about another future where we're projecting what we want.
But nevertheless, the sense of an underlying okayness now, like there's an undergirding
field of this belongs, hang in there.
You'll understand later. You'll live into the answers.
(41:05):
It's that kind of feeling. now i've
not seen this one about to say a lot
online so i'm i'm maybe risking here
to share what i might be feeling hope is i'm
going to share this and we can try it
out if you we like it but i've talked in
the past about the law of three so i'm going to
(41:28):
read verbatim what cynthia brujo who's a
wonderful teacher out there master teacher and she currently teaches well she
has her own thing and she also has done some work with the cac okay so when
she describes the law of three she lists four qualities the first one is in
every new arising there are three,
(41:50):
forces involved there's the affirming force the denying force and the reconciling force okay.
Number two is the interweaving of the three produces a fourth and a new dimension.
Number three is affirming, denying, and reconciling are not fixed points or
(42:16):
permanent essence attributes, but can and do shift and must be discerned situationally.
In other words, what today was an affirming force, tomorrow might not be.
So we can't just always say that thing is always going to be the status quo,
and then this thing is always going to be a problem, the denying force.
(42:36):
All right. Number four, solutions to impasses or sticking points generally come
by learning how to spot and mediate third force,
which is present in every situation, but generally hidden. in.
So we're going to unpack a little bit about that because it's always present
(42:58):
in your life, in my life, and it's certainly present when we have problems that
we feel like we're stuck in.
All right, so I'm going to continue reading.
This is Cynthia. Let's consider a simple example. A seed, as Jesus says,
quote, unless it falls into the ground and dies, remains a single seed.
(43:18):
If the seed does fall into the ground
it enters a sacred transformative process feed
the first or affirming force meets
ground the second or denying force so wait so can you see in your mind like
that here comes the seed it's affirming it's affirming in one direction and
(43:39):
if the ground didn't exist I mean it would just keep on falling but here's the
ground sure boom the denying forces is it's denying the falling of the seed.
You see that? Okay.
So meets ground, the second or denying force. And she has in parentheses.
And at that, it has to be moist ground, water being its most critical first component.
(44:02):
Okay, but even in this encounter, which is seed and ground, nothing will happen
until sunlight, a third or reconciling force, enters the equation.
Then, among the three, they generate a sprout, which is the actualization of
the possibility latent in seed.
(44:24):
A whole new field of possibility.
But think about this. A seed is like an egg. It is small, it contains the plenum
of a maple tree, a huge tree.
It's all contained in that seed, but it is not the maple tree yet. It's in potential.
(44:45):
And when you have the law of three working, because things only transform according
to the affirming force, denying force, and then midwifing the reconciling force.
When you do that, then you have a sprout, and the sprout is qualitatively different than the seed.
It is now the potential being activated in kinetic energy.
(45:08):
Okay? And lastly, another example she has is the Paschal Mystery is another
example with affirming as Jesus, a human teacher of the path of love,
so that's the affirming force.
Then we have the denying force as the crucifixion and the forces of hatred driving it.
Then we have the reconciling force as the principle of self-emptying or canonic
(45:34):
love willingly engaged.
What she means here is that, let's say, when you are crucified upon your own
problems that you can't seem to get around, you know, or whenever I'm feeling powerless.
Want to be doing something, but I can't because I'm powerless.
(45:54):
Something else is coming up.
And that doesn't mean that the reconciling force is going to happen.
That doesn't mean I'm going to be automatically moved into a better place.
I have to bring the reconciling principle into my situation of being uncomfortable.
And that would be some sense of surrender into
(46:15):
what is happening right now a willingness a willingness
to even though i'm crucified upon
this cross of powerlessness i'm going
to use this problem as a
way to to teach and blame bless and teach
and bless others to recognize my own
humanity and all its gifts you know
(46:36):
with all kinds of techniques that one can do to use
pain as a way to transmit that or transform
it into blessing but when i
can do that that's the reconciling force and what
we see in the gospel here is that the fourth the new arising is revealed through
(46:57):
the this weaving is the kingdom of heaven and that is the sense of joy and solidarity
and hope and all of these things visibly manifested in the very midst of of
human cruelty and brokenness.
That's what building forth is all about. We're building forth from the ground
this sense of solidarity and hope and affirming process, inviting,
(47:21):
encouraging acts of loving service from others.
When we're doing that, then we are building this foundation.
Undergirding joy that is always and everywhere present. We're incarnating that
into the world like a sprout, right in the midst of what we see as human cruelty
(47:43):
and brokenness and bellicosity, right?
So, that's important, I think.
So, maybe just as a graphic, we might see, and you can think of yourself in this,
or think of the last time you were helping somebody else,
you know that they they were going about
their life in a certain way and then
(48:03):
all of a sudden it's a denying something just really
cuts it you know there's a denying the wall thing and right there and this crux
this place of perpendicularity even if we can't see it and we certainly don't
maybe even feel like it's possible,
(48:25):
it is always true that somewhere hidden in the soil of that crux,
in the soil of that seemingly immovable situation,
there is a reconciling force and it's hidden like the seeds under the soil.
And our jobs, I think, if we choose to do this ship's approach is,
(48:48):
first off, to believe that, to trust it, you can even, at some point,
you know, when you move more into practicing this a lot.
Ra would call this the adept level, you start to feel someone else's hidden
reconciling force that they have no ideas there, but you can feel it,
you sense it, you know it's there.
And you can help midwife, you're going to be the gardener that's cultivating
(49:13):
those hidden seeds of hope.
There's different ways, but just that's the job. That's the great honor duty, if you will.
And I'm going to provide one thing of, oh, looks like we have to go pretty soon.
Okay. Well, let me just read this out loud and then we'll close.
(49:33):
This is inquiring about values. So this is one way to ask a person about hope
is ask the person to imagine that they had passed away, and were able to witness their funeral.
After their funeral, they could see their loved ones gathered around and hearing
with each other how much they meant.
So, ask them, what would be three things that you would really hope that your
(49:57):
loved ones would say about you?
It's an amazing technique, and you really can help people bring from the unconscious
conscious or subconscious up to the conscious level three values three or four
values that they have lived with and for all of their lives and haven't known it about it you know,
(50:18):
another way to approach it would be think about two people whom
you really admire think about why you
admire them and think about the kind of character these people have if you can
name three or four things that come to mind about their character that of why
you admire them what would they be what would those characteristics be so it's
just another way for people to think about because whatever we see in somebody
(50:41):
else that we absolutely admire.
It's it the reason why we admire that in that person is because we have it too
we we honor it too it might be latent inside us but that is what we owe we have and we operate from.
Don't know it because I'm unconscious. So anyways, this is, this concludes part two.
(51:03):
We didn't get all the way through the SHIPS process, but I'm going to stop sharing
here and ask you maybe just a, was this helpful,
did you want to, maybe at some point we can continue and have a part three, what are your thoughts?
I, I really appreciate it, Doug. I think I'm getting a headstart on my classes. So thank you.
(51:30):
One of the best episodes of Seinfeld was when Elaine was trying to figure out
if a boy was sponge-worthy.
And your presentation, Doug, was three-worthy.
So you can do a third one.
Well, you know, there is the Holy Trinity.
(51:53):
Good. Okay. Well, thank you. Yeah, I think, Doug, I think it's important stuff, as I told you.
It seems really simple but i think it's you know we grow through relationship,
until we get to the ultimate relationship of the big
self or whatever so i think i think it's it's critical a lot of people can't
do it they're not going to be able to do this i think most of us we can do it
(52:18):
it's just that we didn't know that there maybe is a pattern that we could do
it i'm hoping that's the truth.
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