February 1, 2024 • 43 mins
Join us as we delve into the candid experiences of Beth, Lauren, and Bonnie focusing on the mental, emotional, and financial challenges one faces during and after divorce. This intimate conversation inspires listeners to live fearlessly, demonstrating the cessation of fear-based decision-making and the triumph over financial anxiety.
Discover how essential fitness, mental health, and self-care are in coping with divorce, highlighting the urgent need to prioritize oneself amidst chaos. We shift the usual perception of self-care from being an indulgence to being critical for resilience and personal growth. Through real-life testimonies and reflections, we expose the significant effects of divorce on mental health and underscore the liberating journey of self-discovery and aspiration redefinition.
Professionally or personally, unexpected life changes dramatically alter our paths. We shared candidly about our past experiences with anxiety and found unparalleled strength in open discussions, helping to alleviate the mind's burdens. In this heartfelt episode, we also navigate through the diverse landscapes of post-divorce life, the importance of therapy, and the revealing experience of reclaiming oneself and one's genuine happiness.
A work-life balance and healthy living are other critical areas we touch upon. The discussion identifies the struggle of integrating a balanced diet and physical exercise while managing busy schedules, emphasizing the impact of health on overall well-being, mobility, and mental balance. With notable instances, we advocate the significance of resting days to recharge and reset.
Bearing humor and positivity, we persevere towards our personal goals, striving to concentrate on the brighter facets of life and disregard any negative distractions. We also reflect on our collective experiences post-divorce, the importance of letting go, fostering hope and optimism, and initiating fresh beginnings. As the conversation culminates, we raise a cheerful toast to embracing life's unpredictability and to an upcoming fulfilling week.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.
(00:29):
Hello, ladies. Okay, so for tonight, we're going to talk about something that
Beth found on social media.
Just a really neat little saying or something I think would be great to talk about.
Well, I found this because I've been thinking about the new year and some people
make resolutions. I'm not doing that.
So this said, this new year, go all out.
(00:53):
No more holding back. go all out on
your kids your goals your fitness your
relationship your self-care time your
mental health be relentless it's time
and this comes from luis garcia laws
of ambition i think that's cool so
(01:14):
i think when you first get divorced or
your first single you try not
to but your first default fault is to live in sort
of a fearful place and you're guided by fear yeah tentative place yeah and you're
some decisions are made out of fear which that's not a good idea but that's
(01:36):
where you are that's where you find yourself and so for you know seven years I have worked myself,
kind of out of that you know it comes back and forth you know I have I talk about my.
Money anxiety which is a real thing but not really but you know i'm always we've
got it under control i have it under control but it's still i still am triggered by that,
(02:01):
but i think if you can work yourself out of fear and it takes a while and it
takes some success it's a small little success is.
Mine stemmed from my kids, seeing my kids go from not knowing what was going
on or not being sure to being real confident.
And my daughter got her voice that she now can really say what is on her mind and how she's feeling.
(02:29):
That took a long time to get. And she just happened to be at a good age now that she has her voice.
But I think to get out of that fearful place, you have to have a plan.
And this list speaks to me because the last thing on my plan was taking care of myself.
Self-care always felt like an indulgence instead of a necessity.
(02:52):
And now I view it more as a necessity because if I'm not around on the long
term, then my kids will miss out.
I'll miss out on my kids if I'm not as healthy as I should be.
So this spoke to me in a lot of ways because this is basically,
I've been reading a lot and I do a daily devotion.
And I think it's kind of interesting that in the Bible, there are 365 verses on do not fear.
(03:18):
Do not fear. That's one for every single day because God made you and he knows.
Sometimes you're afraid and you're not sure of yourself. And so I've been trying
to get out of that fear-based decision-making.
You know, just... Or lack of decision-making. Yes. Fear keeps me from...
(03:39):
Or lacking decision-making as well.
But I think that's also fear if you make the decision, especially when you have
kids, that you're going to make the wrong decision or mess up your kids.
Start them down the wrong path or whatever that crazy jumble
of stuff that moms think when you get divorced like i
can't do this because it'll mess up my kids or how will
(03:59):
my kids take this or you know i did you just want
your kids to be happy and find their
way and be independent and it's really hard if the
leader of the house the mother is living
in fear it's really hard to make good decisions yeah and
if you haven't found your way or your own
independent yeah how can you model that for your kid right yeah so i think this
(04:23):
speaks to a lot of people and you don't even have to be divorced you could you
know you could be fearful of changing jobs or fearful of moving well any any
insecurity like your kids are going to pick up on that energy if you're not going,
this is this is okay and we are safe or we are you know xyz like we were at
(04:43):
the grocery store the other day and my son said, do we have enough money for this? And I said, yes.
And he said, okay, I just, I don't want to be poor. I said, okay, bud, we're fine.
Like, you don't have to worry about that right now. Like, we're okay.
But you know, those little, I don't know, they pick up on something.
Well, and at the same time, you also, especially if you're taking a big step
(05:06):
or you're in a place of fear. Yeah. And I don't know if it's been right or wrong.
I would prefer to to talk about that with my older kids you know it's okay to
feel this way but I still have to move forward it's okay for to be to be here
but you just got to move through it and still make the decision or still do
the whatever or whatever's uncomfortable and that sort of thing so yeah.
(05:31):
Some of what that, like when you read that, it just reminds me that we only live once.
And that's kind of like, you just want to, you know, pour your energy into the
things that are important to you and the people that you care about.
Well, and as much as I know that we should all be working towards a future,
saving for a future, planning for a future, the future is not guaranteed.
(05:54):
No and so if we're not living our lives and taking those risks and the real now and present,
is is life worth living if you save and
save and save and save and you get to the end and you die before you ever get
to use or do any of the things that you planned or use the money that you saved
so diligently you know i think that when i am 80 and i can't walk around because
(06:17):
my knees are terrible then that's a good time to start scrimping and saving
on food and that sort of thing but not Not today.
No. You know? I agree.
Well, I think this one, you know, I always put my kids first. I tend to do that.
But my goals, when you're a wife and mom, sometimes you put your goals on the
back burner to make sure that the family and, you know, everybody else's goals are being met.
(06:43):
Fitness, I let that slide because that was a me thing. and I didn't feel like
maybe that was top priority at the time.
Well, I think as a mom, you also, it's, if you're going to take that hour of
fitness for you, what are you taking away from your kids?
Yeah. Especially when they're little, it's kind of hard. Or it's,
(07:05):
this one has to go to this lesson. This one has to go to this practice.
Where am I going to fit that in when I still have to do X, Y, Z?
You know what I mean? Like it just, you have to figuring out how to put yourself
first in some of those things.
When you feel I feel like you're having to sacrifice something for your kids. It's hard.
It is. I think the other one is your mental health.
(07:27):
You don't really think about your mental health when you're in the middle of
the tornado of preparing for divorce, getting divorced, having everything settle
out, getting your financial stuff after the divorce.
You don't think about what a toll that takes on you as a person because you're
just trying to slog through it and get to the other side of it.
(07:49):
But every single one of those steps,
I personally felt like chipped away at who I was or a core belief that I had
or my vision of how my life was supposed to be or like my future,
like what I saw my future as.
And so I think my mental health suffered a lot more than I wanted to say or
(08:15):
that I wanted to believe myself,
because then you have to like go, OK, what are the steps to do to get back to
that? And that was that whole year back to Beth Burns.
I had to really think what makes me happy, what makes me tick,
what do I get joyful out of, like what fulfills me in those ways?
(08:37):
Because a divorce is hard and nobody wants to talk about those things.
The bad part of divorce and or separation or
death or nobody wants
to talk about that but there are a lot of people dwelling in that
that can't get their way out of that cycle well
it completely changes your life all the things that you just mentioned completely
(08:57):
change your life well it forces you to redefine dreams yeah and re-evaluate
your core values because you can't you can't have those things anymore right
you have you have to change well yeah and we've talked We've talked about this a little bit,
but that change opens you up to do some of the things that we've mentioned, which is self.
(09:19):
But that's changing. Which is diving into your children, which is,
you know, deepening the relationships that you care about.
And like it cracks you open a little bit. And sometimes, especially when you're
in an unhappy partnership, that can be really good.
I mean, obviously. Well, I think that change also makes you redefine who you actually are.
(09:41):
Yeah. You're not, I'm not the person that got married at 23.
I'm not the person that had those ideas at 23.
I am now, I find myself in my fifties and I have to redefine who am I?
What do I really want? Right.
Who do I want to spend my time with? You know, what things are possible for me right now?
(10:05):
It really makes you redefine who you are or who you thought you were.
I mean, that was a big thing for me.
Well, I look at who I was in my marriage and there are a lot of things about me I don't like.
And I don't have to be her again.
I don't have to choose a relationship in which I feel like I'm put in those
(10:26):
boxes again. You know, I talked to my therapist about this today.
So I told her, like, we just ran the gamut of the things that I usually need
to talk about and just things that have popped up that I need her advice about.
However, I said, you know, it's so funny in this relationship that I'm in now.
I don't feel the need to go out to dinner all the time or like go do a bunch
(10:51):
of stuff. I am completely content sitting at home and talking to him and watching
movies and just being, just being.
Where in my marriage, we didn't, I mean, we ran, we like traveled a lot or we,
you know, not that there's anything wrong with that.
You know, travel is my favorite thing. But there was a lot of distractions.
(11:13):
There were a lot of distractions. It's like you existed next to each other.
We entertained ourselves.
We had to entertain ourselves somehow. know so that's it's it can be a good
thing on the other side again yeah i am different in this relationship that
i was i feel like i'm very different i think the core of me is the same,
but i've grown in ways that i didn't think i was gonna grow like i didn't think
(11:37):
didn't anticipate yeah they weren't in my i think it used to be important to
me aren't anymore oh oh yeah like Like,
and the things that are important to me now are spending time with my people
and then like going places.
That's pretty much. Yeah, I agree. Yeah.
Yeah, that's, I think that right now where I am, I'm a few years out from divorce
(11:59):
and haven't lost my ex-husband and all of that, but it's, I'm finding who I, who I am, like.
Reconnecting with the person I used to be and I'm figuring out the things that I like.
And for the first time, I'm really okay being alone and really spending this
time with myself and with my family and with my friends and my people, but I'm not really,
(12:20):
you know, I I don't, I don't have this need that I've had in the past that I've,
you know, or the want really to have that relationship.
Now I'm sure, I imagine it'll happen again. It'll come again.
But at this point, I feel like I'm just really loving getting to know myself,
you know, just kind of being my own friend and really getting to know who I am and all of that.
(12:42):
And it was, it has been really, really hard to get here. and I have struggled
against it because I've been afraid of finding out who I am.
I've been afraid I wouldn't like a lot of the things about myself or,
you know what I mean? Or that I'd find out that I really thought that I was really rather boring.
You know, I don't think I'm as boring as I thought I was, you know what I mean?
(13:04):
But it's just, I just didn't want to, I just didn't want to take the time and
be that still to discover things about myself that I'd be disappointed in me about.
Well, okay. For the stillness part, I can identify with that.
And I think, Lauren, you can too.
I think in all of our marriages, we did things and we were busy and we entertained
(13:24):
ourselves or we did things we thought would help our spouse and.
I kept busy. I was busy all the time. And a lot of that was because if I had
to stop and think about where I was, it was not comfortable.
I knew my marriage was not good. I knew that he had girlfriends.
I knew that this wasn't going to work out. But if you had to stop and dwell on it, it was too heavy.
(13:51):
I cried myself to sleep so many times in that, in that, in the,
what, how many years did we say?
How many years did it take six seven
years yeah six or seven years that it took me
to like decide to leave i cry
myself to so much and that just doesn't i mean yeah i forgot i don't even know
(14:12):
what that feels like anymore you know we did that great yeah yeah every once
in a while i think oh i miss what our marriage was in the very beginning those
first few years before everything Everything just went to hell.
You know, I really miss that, that idealistic person, that person who thought
we'd figure it out, that person who thought everything was great. I miss that.
(14:34):
But I don't miss anything past that in our relationship.
Did I? Okay. I don't know if we've ever talked about this. And this is veering
from the path just a little bit.
But did things change when you had children?
Like, was that the? because I think I can identify the shift for me was when I had a child.
(14:54):
I can identify the shift. It came around the time...
After I had a child, the first child. But it was a significant shift with the
one and only that I know of, lawsuit.
The threatening of my ex's... Business.
(15:17):
Expertise is what I would say. No, it wasn't his business or anything like that
because he paid malpractice.
Yeah. It wasn't anything like that. I mean, it didn't really threaten.
It threatened his idea of who he was. His ego. Yeah. Yes.
And so that's when I saw the big ship, like a lot of things started changing.
(15:37):
Life changes. So in my relationship, the big thing that changed for my ex-husband
was when his mother became terminally ill and he just really struggled to accept
it and started drinking to avoid it.
And things had already been with our relationship had already not been good.
(15:57):
But when that happened, we just really couldn't recover because he just it just
got, you know, just snowballed.
Mm-hmm.
(16:35):
To weigh the fear. I don't have a lot of that.
Like, I don't have a lot of anxiety anymore. A lot of my anxiety went away when...
Well, and around the same time as you got divorced, you changed jobs.
Yeah. You had a couple of really big things. Yeah, huge changes.
But what I do now, when I feel... And I see my therapist really regularly,
(16:55):
and I can't promote therapy enough. It's super important, but...
If I feel that, that little, like I had it yesterday, I had this like little
itch of anxiety and I realized I didn't have a session on the books for a couple of weeks.
And so I texted my therapist, I said, can I get in with you this week?
And she said, sure. So I had it today and it like, it was a great session,
(17:19):
made me feel so much better. You just talk it out.
So that's, that's a, that is so important when you're going through.
Yeah. Well, especially if you end up kind of dwelling on that negative side of things. Yeah.
Well, because the woe is me's are like, they grow.
If you let it fester, it'll take you over.
So you have to be able to combat it with being able to think about the good things.
(17:42):
And also, you can't ever think of what might have been because it was never
going to be with the person you were with.
That's why you're divorced, right? So there is no might have been.
It doesn't exist. that's true well and i think
now on this side of it the last part of that of
course spoke to me because i like to be proactive a
(18:05):
lot of the time it says be relentless yeah it's
time yeah it's time yeah i'm seven years out i feel like it really is time and
i can speak to what bonnie said you know when i i would call it the uncoupling
when i went through that i realized because this was my second marriage my second
marriage lasted 21 years my first marriage The marriage lasted six and a half.
(18:28):
Technically, I had been someone's wife for 27 plus years.
How do you think of yourself as not somebody's wife? I liked being a wife.
I liked being a homemaker. That
was just right up my alley. And then I had that all taken away from me.
At first, you know, I didn't date for the first year, but then I decided I really need somebody.
(18:51):
And I went after that kind of willy nilly because I thought that was really important.
And now this last year, I've kind of settled into, I don't know if I have time for that.
I don't know if I have room for that. I really like how things are going.
I really like how my life is right now. Now, I really want to concentrate on
(19:13):
my daughter and her last two years with me.
And she's my last little bird out of the nest.
And I really want to make memories and things like that.
And it's, you know, I like to joke that there's a shortage of men,
available men out there.
No, but I think they're available men. But for each individual person,
(19:36):
unless it's somebody worth spending
your time with, it's the choice of how you want to spend your time.
And I'm not sure that I'm at that point. And I really like being able to cook
what I want and do what I want and stitch when I want and have my projects where I want them.
(19:56):
And I like my space right now.
And, you know, I think I've said this before is it would have to be something
really, really extraordinary for me to say, I really need that.
Not want it, but I really need that because there is a difference in wanting
(20:17):
that or needing that. I mean, and I view myself as a very good partner for somebody.
It just hasn't happened. And I'm not in a rush anymore.
That frantic, I need somebody to go to this with me. I need to do this. I need to have a.
You complete me thing is no longer really.
(20:39):
I am now complete without anyone.
I almost said that bad word with that because I went out with a guy who said,
don't you believe in soulmates? And I said, no, I think that's bullshit.
And you should have seen his face. He was like, I was like, I am a romantic at heart, but no.
Well, I think I'm not at that point. I think to like the older that we get,
(21:03):
the less we settle for anything that's less than that great connection.
And that spark is not common.
You just don't have it that often. It's just true. But not only that. Let's be honest.
Anybody here could be in a relationship with anybody right now.
Are there men? Yes, there's men.
(21:24):
Are there women? Sure, there's women. You can do whatever you want.
Anybody could have any kind of relationship that you wanted right now.
But if you want that thing
it's rare and it's hard to find it
just is well and i think i know that you and i've talked about this on
our walk i don't know if we've talked about it on the podcast but something
else i've realized is that when we all fell in love earlier on all of our people
(21:48):
we were all full of such potential yeah okay but at our age that potential is
spent they are what they are you can't fall in love with what they could be
what they want to be what they should be they They just are.
Yeah. You know what I mean? And so to have the lack of potential in people that
you're no longer looking at and to have all of this because of this experience,
(22:10):
we have all of these hoops to jump through or lists to check or things that
we just will not compromise on anymore. Well, look, I don't.
That list dwindles. Let's face it. We all have baggage.
Yeah. Now it comes down to this. I don't have a baggage rack large enough for
you. For you to put your stuff on. For you to put your stuff on.
(22:31):
You know what I'm saying?
My baggage takes up the whole thing. I can't push this thing. No.
Get the valet. But it's kind of, you know, it really goes back to how do you
want to spend your time and who do you want to spend your time with. Yeah.
And unless it's something really great, like the Spark I think is a big thing.
(22:53):
The Spark is a big thing. It's everything. I don't.
It's a lot. You have to have some spark. You can't just meet somebody and go,
okay, you'll do it. I don't want that.
Okay, you're fine. On paper, you look good.
Yeah, but there's a difference between connection and spark.
There is. You can have attraction and connection, but it's not the same as leveling up to the spark. No.
(23:20):
But we're choosing who we want to spend our time with. That's true.
And we also are very conscious of the fact that we have to be very careful of
who we spend our time with because we can't really control who we fall in love with.
That's true. Because that spark will come if he's not a great person at all.
Even if he's a terrible person, if we're spending our time, that spark can hit
us and there's not much we can do about that. I can speak to that.
(23:44):
That'll be a couple chapters in my book.
All right so what are y'all do y'all have
any truly like what do you want this year to
be for you i wrote out something on the first but it's not complete yet it's
just an outline of what i would like and some of it has to do with very practical
(24:09):
things like budgets other things are or, and y'all know me,
I'm a little hard task master on myself. I want to have more fun.
Like, do you know what I'm saying? I want to, okay, this is big.
I want to give myself permission to be that girl that I used to be and just be fun.
(24:29):
I was fun. I was the social chairman for my sorority. I was great fun.
But you lose that somewhere along the line when you're not chosen over and over again,
And someone throws you away. Or when you have to be in charge of everything.
And then when you... Oh, no, that's just exhausting.
(24:52):
It's exhausting to be responsible for every little thing. Like the dang leak in my basement.
It's exhausting to be that person. It's exhausting to go and have fun and then
come home and have to wash all the dishes. Do you know what I'm saying? It's just exhausting.
So I want to grant myself permission to be that girl again. That fun girl.
(25:14):
And do fun adventures.
Maybe not for bushwhackers at the Floribama.
Maybe not that fun. Maybe just one day. Maybe three. Maybe one day. Maybe just three.
Maybe just two. Just kidding. But yeah, so I want to give myself permission to be that girl.
(25:35):
That's great. The girl that got bogged down in all this.
And trying to get my stuff together again.
I i want to not be bored so i i have lots of fun i i would say that i have a lot of fun that that's,
(25:55):
generating my life is not but lately like i feel that like this bit of burnout
and again i talked to my therapist about today and she's like okay you got to
figure out how not to be bored,
that's what rest that's what you need that's rest to read maybe rest or just
like for the next or Or like the things I do consistently, like my job,
job, figure out a different way to look at it so that I don't get.
(26:19):
Well, and to be honest, if we look at it, Lauren, you spent this year backing
off. You did not have any.
That's true. Commitments. And you've had more time to yourself.
And you may just not know.
But I've been happier.
Oh, no, I'm just saying that that one of the consequences, it may not be necessarily
(26:39):
boredom, but getting used to the fact that you have this time and stuff with it. I thrive on new.
Yeah, I thrive on new. I thrive on new places. I thrive on travel.
Any new experience. That's why you're good at new shows. That's why I'm good
at directing. It's why I'm good at looking at an old show in a new way.
You're good at anything I'd have to do consistently. constantly I
(27:00):
I don't like if it was the same if I
had to wake up and go do the same exact thing every day it would
be almost impossible for my personality so I'm
just trying to sort of reimagine what my daily looks like and to really I've
already poured focus into Leo with or I've already poured focus into my son
(27:20):
pretty hardcore and that's been a positive thing and I have great great friendships.
I have a positive, like romantic relationship.
So me wise, I'm good. I need to focus on self care a little bit more,
which is what you just hit on. I need to get a bit more rest.
I need to make sure that I'm exercising consistently, but otherwise,
(27:41):
like I feel really good about where I am.
And so that's going to be my relentless this year is to make sure that everybody
around me is good. And my house is good. Like.
I need to make sure that I'm, like, taken care of so I can care for everybody.
Also, my best friend had a heart attack at 30 years old.
(28:02):
And that has been very, it's rocked our whole little circle a little bit.
Because, huh? Yeah. What? It makes you see life in a different way.
Yeah. So self-care has become, like, I feel like I need to, you know,
make sure that I'm working out every day. And so, anyway, that's just.
(28:23):
You just never know what's going to happen. It's what you were saying.
We're not guaranteed tomorrow. We have no idea.
No idea. We have no idea. So just to make sure you're making the most of every day, I would say.
That's mine. Now, last year, you started the year last year saying you were
going to have a year of only six yeses.
Do you remember that?
(28:43):
I didn't have any down that. It was school year, I think you started that as.
Not necessarily school year. I don't remember when. So this semester, yes.
This semester, I have been. After the summer, I was like, okay.
Because last year was crazy.
Last year was crazy. Well, I've decided, you know, I rolled off of one commitment.
I have one more meeting and I'm done.
(29:06):
And I'm sort of doing the let's disengage a little bit.
Because I have basically lived for my job, not taking time out.
I mean, y'all, I work both Fridays, before Christmas and before New Year's.
And I realized I had some vacation time and
I called about it I got three extra days and
(29:28):
I'm going to work for
myself I mean I still work for my company but you
know what I'm saying yeah I'm gonna do it for me this year not for
let's just grind it out because that's what I was doing that's my type a personality
just get it done check it off and then we'll think about you know after five
o'clock and after five o'clock gets here well now I'm gonna pre-plan some things
(29:51):
I will have one less commitment this year. So that's going to be my.
I think that's great. Because, you know, on the vein of you never know what's
going to happen. If I drop dead, I'll be replaced at work like that.
Yeah. I mean, and, you know, that's, it's hard to imagine that.
But, you know, I have to shift my focus. Yes.
(30:12):
I agree. So my focus this year is going to be to explore.
So I have struggled with not working toward anything. thing.
I've decided not to do any art shows for at least the spring,
possibly the fall, because I know that I need to work on my art,
which means I know I need to actually get in there and do it.
(30:32):
But I've been kind of playing around with some new ideas and that's been fun.
But not having art shows to work towards, not having a master's program to work
towards is very uncomfortable.
But don't you think, I mean, I read things all the time, especially in creative
people, if you are not down and you are not bored, you can't think of the next great idea.
(30:55):
And you have taken time for yourself and you have imposed sort of a no-show
thing so that now you said you were kind of stuck and you didn't know where
your art was going. So now you're kind of thinking of things.
What I have realized in all of that is that one of my weaknesses is to be able
(31:15):
to structure myself, to be able to guide myself and to kind of police myself.
That's why I would never have been a really good mom that stayed home and taught
her kids. I could never have been a homeschool mom.
But I struggle with that.
If art is my work at home, if I'm not working towards a show,
(31:38):
it's defining where I want to go with my art.
I'm going to have to sit down and truly kind of define find what I want to explore
and just sort of set some little things so that I can move towards it.
So, you know, I just, but that's my goal is to kind of push through that uncomfort
and the unknowing and the,
(31:58):
sometimes I perceive it as laziness, but it's kind of like a paralysis because
I'm so overwhelmed with all of the possibilities that I don't actually take
a step forward to push through all of that and really start going towards something.
I think I might actually start taking my Adderall.
That reason yes it's paralysis and v
(32:19):
causes yeah exactly paralysis especially if
you're if you're if i'm faced with a whole bunch of choices and
no one's making them for me yeah i freeze
and it's like i become overwhelmed and
walk away until it's something i have to do
work exactly exactly but for my art
i'm gonna have to do it anyway i don't have that problem in directing
(32:41):
like I never have that problem in directing theater is
the one spot where that doesn't affect me ever
but in my daily anything I
do paralysis I feel in theater you have
a deadline all the time yeah you can't have paralysis because decisions must
be made you must move forward but like in my oh I'm at home oh I have office
(33:03):
tasks to do it's the worst oh well did you notice the pile of Christmas trees
still in my hallway as you walked in the tree's been gone for several Several days.
And yeah, that would be a little paralysis right there. I really don't want to see it.
My tree is actually still up. It has nothing on it because I'm waiting for the
burning. Mine's just up because of epiphany. Yeah.
(33:23):
Burning up. Well, I realize my stuff is still up on the front and it's going
to be way too cold to take it down.
So I guess Christmas is going to be on my house until it works out just a little
bit and I want to be outside. You can put hearts on it for months.
It's red. Very good. That's true. It is red. We'll just go to the next holiday.
(33:45):
Now, I think having downtime is more important than I gave it years ago.
Having downtime to try to figure out what I'm doing and rearrange how I think about things.
Can we also just say, if we haven't said this before, it is okay to have a day where you do nothing.
(34:06):
Let's repeat it. Where you do nothing. On New Year's Day, so I have a big New
Year's Eve party. We need to say it in your breath.
I just don't have a day where you do nothing. Now, I don't do it often.
It's rare, but I do it Christmas Day every time and New Year's Day every time, and it kind of resets me.
(34:29):
I did it Christmas Day, but New Year's Day, oh, my God.
Oh, I did it New Year's Day. I loved it. Y'all had breakfast at your house?
So I had a friend yelled up so I could hear it.
And I was like, I'm not getting out of my bed. I'm staying in my house.
So my friend who wakes up very early in the morning said, I'm going to come
(34:51):
cook breakfast for everybody in the morning. And I said, that's fine.
I will leave my key in my mailbox because I'm not getting up before 10 o'clock.
So he came over, he made breakfast and we all sort of sat.
There was like a group of five of us and we sat in my den and we watched movies all day.
We didn't move until I said, oh, I should probably make something for New Year's food.
(35:18):
So that we enter the year okay so like
went to the grocery store and did that but we did not it was
we had stillness and just
like movie watching just like what we
were distracted and entertained and we had fun together
all day long we did nothing it was fantastic and
every once in a while you need that day i'm not
(35:40):
saying that day i'm not saying that should be what you do
every day because i can't do that every day
like i i would go crazy but you need
the nothingness so that you can do the
something no i'm definitely because then
you just get completely burned out yeah
so i'm still doing the sleep from last year yes i'm so you're gonna concentrate
(36:02):
on that was it eight hours yes seven and a half is my sweet spot oh good that
is what i figured out this last year And then I'm concentrating on getting healthy
with what I eat. Less processed foods. Me too.
Because I really do love cooking. I do not like my kitchen right now,
but I'm trying to love it. I'm trying to find aspects to love it.
(36:23):
I think you cook a lot though, right? I cook, yeah.
Like I cooked before I came. I have been cooking a lot also.
And I want to keep that up. Mm-hmm.
But I need to add a very good, rigorous exercise situation.
And I've been bad during the holidays. We did not walk as much. I needed to get warmer.
Because it was cold. I may have texted Beth today and said, we are not walking today.
(36:49):
And she put a little frigid person on it. I did, because it was frigid outside. It was so cold.
It was so cold. So mine is to get healthy.
I struggled this last year with the whole idea in my head that I needed to lose weight.
Which would be a good goal but i don't
think that i need to stress the weight part as much as the healthy less processed
(37:12):
food part because i'm on the road all the time it's really easy to pick something
up i got a little sloppy with that this year then i found that great fried chicken place and Tupelo.
Anyway, I like food. You're eating on chicken salad chick. I know.
I like food. I like eating at different places.
(37:34):
I have a love affair with food. And so not that I'm going to ignore that because
that's part of who I am, but I'm going to try to make healthier choices.
Maybe not go to Connie's every time I go to Tupelo.
But somebody said they have a weird food combination fried chicken and blueberry
cake donuts and somebody said if you just got the fried chicken you missed out
(37:56):
i was like oh crap so now i've got to go try the.
That's not gonna happen she knew that being healthy is a good goal if you're
not concentrating on physical just,
in your concentration. Oh, honey, I'm just good just like I am.
(38:16):
Are you kidding? My physical appearance is just... You are viewed.
No, you know what I mean? I really feel like, okay, this body is pretty damn good. Sorry.
I birthed two very healthy, smart, attractive children.
Weird times in my life at 33 and 42.
(38:38):
My body gets a little credit for doing that.
And no I'm not gonna look like I'm 20 and I'm
not gonna look like you know I'm so
toned about because I'm not that age to be
that well I'm not but I am gonna try to be the best I can at my age but I'm
not gonna stress out about that if you don't like how I look well I am not interested
(38:59):
enough in spending the time exercising every single day to get that sort of
youngish looking looking body again.
I mean, I probably could do something, but I'm just, I would rather spend it in art.
Yeah. And in watching where I can speak to you.
Yeah. You know, that sort of thing. I don't really want to be overly exercising.
(39:21):
My thing, cause again, like my friend had a physical, like weird thing happened to him.
And so I was relieved by the fact that I had a very good physical,
like yeah not even six months ago so i'm good but
what i want is i don't want anything
to stop me ever physically ever
(39:42):
like i don't want to ever not be able to do exactly
what i want to do so that's what i want to make sure that i maintain is like
very good balance very good mobility very good strength that's true so that's
i would like that's what i'm great yoga into my life where i am stretching every
bone and moving every muscle yoga it's like the best thing you can do I would
really like to do more dance.
(40:02):
You know, I didn't, I didn't dance this semester cause I didn't teach it and
I can feel it all over my body. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
We have some good things to work on this year. I think we do.
So be relentless. Be relentless.
And stay on the sunny side. Yes.
No, it's... Be relentless on the sunny side. Yeah. Be relentless on the sunny side. Absolutely.
(40:29):
But I think that makes a difference. If you're relentless and moving forward
and you're making sure that you're staying focused on the sunny side and the
goals at the end and not the crap.
Well, yeah. I think you can't focus on the past. The past is in the past.
It is what it is. And you can't change it. And you can't change what happened.
And you can't change the bad reviews, which that's a whole other.
(40:53):
Bad reviews is a good episode.
You can't change other people's opinions. Like you can't change anything but you. Okay.
That goes to the other thing that I pulled up today. And I do not have a reference
for it. It says what happened has happened.
Free your mind from it. you're about to start a
new chapter in your life i like the hope and optimism in
(41:14):
that yes accept this change and move
on yeah yep i thought that was a good
one it's the acceptance and moving on the acceptance is
a hard thing it's hard but yeah
and i think we're all three of us are at a point that we've way
accepted yeah and it's just the how how
we're choosing to move on it's sifting the rest
(41:35):
of your life you have to sift it to see
what you want that's true to see seeing what you want it to shake out
we're trying things on yeah we're trying things on we're in the fitting room
i sent you that today yeah we're trying things on to see what fits and what
doesn't exactly all right well are we what are y'all doing this week to live a life you love.
(42:00):
This week. I'm planning a getaway. Oh.
For a surprise birthday party for my daughter. Yay.
Wait, can you, will she listen to this? Yeah, she might. Her friends listen, so I can't say anything.
But I'm fleshing out some ideas, so we'll see. That's fun.
Nothing specific. I'm just like, oh, my roommate moved out.
(42:24):
My upstairs roommate moved out. So I have a whole floor of my house.
Ooh. That I get to sort of reimagine. And on the one hand, I'm going to miss
him. It was nice to have him there.
But otherwise, like, it's going to be great to figure out my house as a whole.
Really from the first time or for the first time since the divorce.
(42:45):
So, yeah, I'm excited about that.
Well, I have my my daughter is here with her roommate and then we're going to
leave on Saturday. today.
Now they may leave on Friday, but regardless, I am loving every single minute
of having them in the house.
I have just really enjoyed having her here.
And I love hearing her and her friend giggle, you know, and just getting to
(43:07):
know more of the people because she's nine hours away.
Just getting to know more of the people that she's spending time with.
Yeah. So I'm just, I'm really looking forward to spending some time with them.
So that's it. All right, ladies, have a good week. Have a wonderful week. Cheers.
Wait, how do I get it to pull up? Why won't it pull up, Bonnie?
(43:30):
Thank y'all for joining us for Champagne Sunday.
See you next week, girls. Cheers. Have a good week.
Music.
Music.
(00:29):
Hello, ladies. Okay, so for tonight, we're going to talk about something that
Beth found on social media.
Just a really neat little saying or something I think would be great to talk about.
Well, I found this because I've been thinking about the new year and some people
make resolutions. I'm not doing that.
So this said, this new year, go all out.
(00:53):
No more holding back. go all out on
your kids your goals your fitness your
relationship your self-care time your
mental health be relentless it's time
and this comes from luis garcia laws
of ambition i think that's cool so
(01:14):
i think when you first get divorced or
your first single you try not
to but your first default fault is to live in sort
of a fearful place and you're guided by fear yeah tentative place yeah and you're
some decisions are made out of fear which that's not a good idea but that's
(01:36):
where you are that's where you find yourself and so for you know seven years I have worked myself,
kind of out of that you know it comes back and forth you know I have I talk about my.
Money anxiety which is a real thing but not really but you know i'm always we've
got it under control i have it under control but it's still i still am triggered by that,
(02:01):
but i think if you can work yourself out of fear and it takes a while and it
takes some success it's a small little success is.
Mine stemmed from my kids, seeing my kids go from not knowing what was going
on or not being sure to being real confident.
And my daughter got her voice that she now can really say what is on her mind and how she's feeling.
(02:29):
That took a long time to get. And she just happened to be at a good age now that she has her voice.
But I think to get out of that fearful place, you have to have a plan.
And this list speaks to me because the last thing on my plan was taking care of myself.
Self-care always felt like an indulgence instead of a necessity.
(02:52):
And now I view it more as a necessity because if I'm not around on the long
term, then my kids will miss out.
I'll miss out on my kids if I'm not as healthy as I should be.
So this spoke to me in a lot of ways because this is basically,
I've been reading a lot and I do a daily devotion.
And I think it's kind of interesting that in the Bible, there are 365 verses on do not fear.
(03:18):
Do not fear. That's one for every single day because God made you and he knows.
Sometimes you're afraid and you're not sure of yourself. And so I've been trying
to get out of that fear-based decision-making.
You know, just... Or lack of decision-making. Yes. Fear keeps me from...
(03:39):
Or lacking decision-making as well.
But I think that's also fear if you make the decision, especially when you have
kids, that you're going to make the wrong decision or mess up your kids.
Start them down the wrong path or whatever that crazy jumble
of stuff that moms think when you get divorced like i
can't do this because it'll mess up my kids or how will
(03:59):
my kids take this or you know i did you just want
your kids to be happy and find their
way and be independent and it's really hard if the
leader of the house the mother is living
in fear it's really hard to make good decisions yeah and
if you haven't found your way or your own
independent yeah how can you model that for your kid right yeah so i think this
(04:23):
speaks to a lot of people and you don't even have to be divorced you could you
know you could be fearful of changing jobs or fearful of moving well any any
insecurity like your kids are going to pick up on that energy if you're not going,
this is this is okay and we are safe or we are you know xyz like we were at
(04:43):
the grocery store the other day and my son said, do we have enough money for this? And I said, yes.
And he said, okay, I just, I don't want to be poor. I said, okay, bud, we're fine.
Like, you don't have to worry about that right now. Like, we're okay.
But you know, those little, I don't know, they pick up on something.
Well, and at the same time, you also, especially if you're taking a big step
(05:06):
or you're in a place of fear. Yeah. And I don't know if it's been right or wrong.
I would prefer to to talk about that with my older kids you know it's okay to
feel this way but I still have to move forward it's okay for to be to be here
but you just got to move through it and still make the decision or still do
the whatever or whatever's uncomfortable and that sort of thing so yeah.
(05:31):
Some of what that, like when you read that, it just reminds me that we only live once.
And that's kind of like, you just want to, you know, pour your energy into the
things that are important to you and the people that you care about.
Well, and as much as I know that we should all be working towards a future,
saving for a future, planning for a future, the future is not guaranteed.
(05:54):
No and so if we're not living our lives and taking those risks and the real now and present,
is is life worth living if you save and
save and save and save and you get to the end and you die before you ever get
to use or do any of the things that you planned or use the money that you saved
so diligently you know i think that when i am 80 and i can't walk around because
(06:17):
my knees are terrible then that's a good time to start scrimping and saving
on food and that sort of thing but not Not today.
No. You know? I agree.
Well, I think this one, you know, I always put my kids first. I tend to do that.
But my goals, when you're a wife and mom, sometimes you put your goals on the
back burner to make sure that the family and, you know, everybody else's goals are being met.
(06:43):
Fitness, I let that slide because that was a me thing. and I didn't feel like
maybe that was top priority at the time.
Well, I think as a mom, you also, it's, if you're going to take that hour of
fitness for you, what are you taking away from your kids?
Yeah. Especially when they're little, it's kind of hard. Or it's,
(07:05):
this one has to go to this lesson. This one has to go to this practice.
Where am I going to fit that in when I still have to do X, Y, Z?
You know what I mean? Like it just, you have to figuring out how to put yourself
first in some of those things.
When you feel I feel like you're having to sacrifice something for your kids. It's hard.
It is. I think the other one is your mental health.
(07:27):
You don't really think about your mental health when you're in the middle of
the tornado of preparing for divorce, getting divorced, having everything settle
out, getting your financial stuff after the divorce.
You don't think about what a toll that takes on you as a person because you're
just trying to slog through it and get to the other side of it.
(07:49):
But every single one of those steps,
I personally felt like chipped away at who I was or a core belief that I had
or my vision of how my life was supposed to be or like my future,
like what I saw my future as.
And so I think my mental health suffered a lot more than I wanted to say or
(08:15):
that I wanted to believe myself,
because then you have to like go, OK, what are the steps to do to get back to
that? And that was that whole year back to Beth Burns.
I had to really think what makes me happy, what makes me tick,
what do I get joyful out of, like what fulfills me in those ways?
(08:37):
Because a divorce is hard and nobody wants to talk about those things.
The bad part of divorce and or separation or
death or nobody wants
to talk about that but there are a lot of people dwelling in that
that can't get their way out of that cycle well
it completely changes your life all the things that you just mentioned completely
(08:57):
change your life well it forces you to redefine dreams yeah and re-evaluate
your core values because you can't you can't have those things anymore right
you have you have to change well yeah and we've talked We've talked about this a little bit,
but that change opens you up to do some of the things that we've mentioned, which is self.
(09:19):
But that's changing. Which is diving into your children, which is,
you know, deepening the relationships that you care about.
And like it cracks you open a little bit. And sometimes, especially when you're
in an unhappy partnership, that can be really good.
I mean, obviously. Well, I think that change also makes you redefine who you actually are.
(09:41):
Yeah. You're not, I'm not the person that got married at 23.
I'm not the person that had those ideas at 23.
I am now, I find myself in my fifties and I have to redefine who am I?
What do I really want? Right.
Who do I want to spend my time with? You know, what things are possible for me right now?
(10:05):
It really makes you redefine who you are or who you thought you were.
I mean, that was a big thing for me.
Well, I look at who I was in my marriage and there are a lot of things about me I don't like.
And I don't have to be her again.
I don't have to choose a relationship in which I feel like I'm put in those
(10:26):
boxes again. You know, I talked to my therapist about this today.
So I told her, like, we just ran the gamut of the things that I usually need
to talk about and just things that have popped up that I need her advice about.
However, I said, you know, it's so funny in this relationship that I'm in now.
I don't feel the need to go out to dinner all the time or like go do a bunch
(10:51):
of stuff. I am completely content sitting at home and talking to him and watching
movies and just being, just being.
Where in my marriage, we didn't, I mean, we ran, we like traveled a lot or we,
you know, not that there's anything wrong with that.
You know, travel is my favorite thing. But there was a lot of distractions.
(11:13):
There were a lot of distractions. It's like you existed next to each other.
We entertained ourselves.
We had to entertain ourselves somehow. know so that's it's it can be a good
thing on the other side again yeah i am different in this relationship that
i was i feel like i'm very different i think the core of me is the same,
but i've grown in ways that i didn't think i was gonna grow like i didn't think
(11:37):
didn't anticipate yeah they weren't in my i think it used to be important to
me aren't anymore oh oh yeah like Like,
and the things that are important to me now are spending time with my people
and then like going places.
That's pretty much. Yeah, I agree. Yeah.
Yeah, that's, I think that right now where I am, I'm a few years out from divorce
(11:59):
and haven't lost my ex-husband and all of that, but it's, I'm finding who I, who I am, like.
Reconnecting with the person I used to be and I'm figuring out the things that I like.
And for the first time, I'm really okay being alone and really spending this
time with myself and with my family and with my friends and my people, but I'm not really,
(12:20):
you know, I I don't, I don't have this need that I've had in the past that I've,
you know, or the want really to have that relationship.
Now I'm sure, I imagine it'll happen again. It'll come again.
But at this point, I feel like I'm just really loving getting to know myself,
you know, just kind of being my own friend and really getting to know who I am and all of that.
(12:42):
And it was, it has been really, really hard to get here. and I have struggled
against it because I've been afraid of finding out who I am.
I've been afraid I wouldn't like a lot of the things about myself or,
you know what I mean? Or that I'd find out that I really thought that I was really rather boring.
You know, I don't think I'm as boring as I thought I was, you know what I mean?
(13:04):
But it's just, I just didn't want to, I just didn't want to take the time and
be that still to discover things about myself that I'd be disappointed in me about.
Well, okay. For the stillness part, I can identify with that.
And I think, Lauren, you can too.
I think in all of our marriages, we did things and we were busy and we entertained
(13:24):
ourselves or we did things we thought would help our spouse and.
I kept busy. I was busy all the time. And a lot of that was because if I had
to stop and think about where I was, it was not comfortable.
I knew my marriage was not good. I knew that he had girlfriends.
I knew that this wasn't going to work out. But if you had to stop and dwell on it, it was too heavy.
(13:51):
I cried myself to sleep so many times in that, in that, in the,
what, how many years did we say?
How many years did it take six seven
years yeah six or seven years that it took me
to like decide to leave i cry
myself to so much and that just doesn't i mean yeah i forgot i don't even know
(14:12):
what that feels like anymore you know we did that great yeah yeah every once
in a while i think oh i miss what our marriage was in the very beginning those
first few years before everything Everything just went to hell.
You know, I really miss that, that idealistic person, that person who thought
we'd figure it out, that person who thought everything was great. I miss that.
(14:34):
But I don't miss anything past that in our relationship.
Did I? Okay. I don't know if we've ever talked about this. And this is veering
from the path just a little bit.
But did things change when you had children?
Like, was that the? because I think I can identify the shift for me was when I had a child.
(14:54):
I can identify the shift. It came around the time...
After I had a child, the first child. But it was a significant shift with the
one and only that I know of, lawsuit.
The threatening of my ex's... Business.
(15:17):
Expertise is what I would say. No, it wasn't his business or anything like that
because he paid malpractice.
Yeah. It wasn't anything like that. I mean, it didn't really threaten.
It threatened his idea of who he was. His ego. Yeah. Yes.
And so that's when I saw the big ship, like a lot of things started changing.
(15:37):
Life changes. So in my relationship, the big thing that changed for my ex-husband
was when his mother became terminally ill and he just really struggled to accept
it and started drinking to avoid it.
And things had already been with our relationship had already not been good.
(15:57):
But when that happened, we just really couldn't recover because he just it just
got, you know, just snowballed.
Mm-hmm.
(16:35):
To weigh the fear. I don't have a lot of that.
Like, I don't have a lot of anxiety anymore. A lot of my anxiety went away when...
Well, and around the same time as you got divorced, you changed jobs.
Yeah. You had a couple of really big things. Yeah, huge changes.
But what I do now, when I feel... And I see my therapist really regularly,
(16:55):
and I can't promote therapy enough. It's super important, but...
If I feel that, that little, like I had it yesterday, I had this like little
itch of anxiety and I realized I didn't have a session on the books for a couple of weeks.
And so I texted my therapist, I said, can I get in with you this week?
And she said, sure. So I had it today and it like, it was a great session,
(17:19):
made me feel so much better. You just talk it out.
So that's, that's a, that is so important when you're going through.
Yeah. Well, especially if you end up kind of dwelling on that negative side of things. Yeah.
Well, because the woe is me's are like, they grow.
If you let it fester, it'll take you over.
So you have to be able to combat it with being able to think about the good things.
(17:42):
And also, you can't ever think of what might have been because it was never
going to be with the person you were with.
That's why you're divorced, right? So there is no might have been.
It doesn't exist. that's true well and i think
now on this side of it the last part of that of
course spoke to me because i like to be proactive a
(18:05):
lot of the time it says be relentless yeah it's
time yeah it's time yeah i'm seven years out i feel like it really is time and
i can speak to what bonnie said you know when i i would call it the uncoupling
when i went through that i realized because this was my second marriage my second
marriage lasted 21 years my first marriage The marriage lasted six and a half.
(18:28):
Technically, I had been someone's wife for 27 plus years.
How do you think of yourself as not somebody's wife? I liked being a wife.
I liked being a homemaker. That
was just right up my alley. And then I had that all taken away from me.
At first, you know, I didn't date for the first year, but then I decided I really need somebody.
(18:51):
And I went after that kind of willy nilly because I thought that was really important.
And now this last year, I've kind of settled into, I don't know if I have time for that.
I don't know if I have room for that. I really like how things are going.
I really like how my life is right now. Now, I really want to concentrate on
(19:13):
my daughter and her last two years with me.
And she's my last little bird out of the nest.
And I really want to make memories and things like that.
And it's, you know, I like to joke that there's a shortage of men,
available men out there.
No, but I think they're available men. But for each individual person,
(19:36):
unless it's somebody worth spending
your time with, it's the choice of how you want to spend your time.
And I'm not sure that I'm at that point. And I really like being able to cook
what I want and do what I want and stitch when I want and have my projects where I want them.
(19:56):
And I like my space right now.
And, you know, I think I've said this before is it would have to be something
really, really extraordinary for me to say, I really need that.
Not want it, but I really need that because there is a difference in wanting
(20:17):
that or needing that. I mean, and I view myself as a very good partner for somebody.
It just hasn't happened. And I'm not in a rush anymore.
That frantic, I need somebody to go to this with me. I need to do this. I need to have a.
You complete me thing is no longer really.
(20:39):
I am now complete without anyone.
I almost said that bad word with that because I went out with a guy who said,
don't you believe in soulmates? And I said, no, I think that's bullshit.
And you should have seen his face. He was like, I was like, I am a romantic at heart, but no.
Well, I think I'm not at that point. I think to like the older that we get,
(21:03):
the less we settle for anything that's less than that great connection.
And that spark is not common.
You just don't have it that often. It's just true. But not only that. Let's be honest.
Anybody here could be in a relationship with anybody right now.
Are there men? Yes, there's men.
(21:24):
Are there women? Sure, there's women. You can do whatever you want.
Anybody could have any kind of relationship that you wanted right now.
But if you want that thing
it's rare and it's hard to find it
just is well and i think i know that you and i've talked about this on
our walk i don't know if we've talked about it on the podcast but something
else i've realized is that when we all fell in love earlier on all of our people
(21:48):
we were all full of such potential yeah okay but at our age that potential is
spent they are what they are you can't fall in love with what they could be
what they want to be what they should be they They just are.
Yeah. You know what I mean? And so to have the lack of potential in people that
you're no longer looking at and to have all of this because of this experience,
(22:10):
we have all of these hoops to jump through or lists to check or things that
we just will not compromise on anymore. Well, look, I don't.
That list dwindles. Let's face it. We all have baggage.
Yeah. Now it comes down to this. I don't have a baggage rack large enough for
you. For you to put your stuff on. For you to put your stuff on.
(22:31):
You know what I'm saying?
My baggage takes up the whole thing. I can't push this thing. No.
Get the valet. But it's kind of, you know, it really goes back to how do you
want to spend your time and who do you want to spend your time with. Yeah.
And unless it's something really great, like the Spark I think is a big thing.
(22:53):
The Spark is a big thing. It's everything. I don't.
It's a lot. You have to have some spark. You can't just meet somebody and go,
okay, you'll do it. I don't want that.
Okay, you're fine. On paper, you look good.
Yeah, but there's a difference between connection and spark.
There is. You can have attraction and connection, but it's not the same as leveling up to the spark. No.
(23:20):
But we're choosing who we want to spend our time with. That's true.
And we also are very conscious of the fact that we have to be very careful of
who we spend our time with because we can't really control who we fall in love with.
That's true. Because that spark will come if he's not a great person at all.
Even if he's a terrible person, if we're spending our time, that spark can hit
us and there's not much we can do about that. I can speak to that.
(23:44):
That'll be a couple chapters in my book.
All right so what are y'all do y'all have
any truly like what do you want this year to
be for you i wrote out something on the first but it's not complete yet it's
just an outline of what i would like and some of it has to do with very practical
(24:09):
things like budgets other things are or, and y'all know me,
I'm a little hard task master on myself. I want to have more fun.
Like, do you know what I'm saying? I want to, okay, this is big.
I want to give myself permission to be that girl that I used to be and just be fun.
(24:29):
I was fun. I was the social chairman for my sorority. I was great fun.
But you lose that somewhere along the line when you're not chosen over and over again,
And someone throws you away. Or when you have to be in charge of everything.
And then when you... Oh, no, that's just exhausting.
(24:52):
It's exhausting to be responsible for every little thing. Like the dang leak in my basement.
It's exhausting to be that person. It's exhausting to go and have fun and then
come home and have to wash all the dishes. Do you know what I'm saying? It's just exhausting.
So I want to grant myself permission to be that girl again. That fun girl.
(25:14):
And do fun adventures.
Maybe not for bushwhackers at the Floribama.
Maybe not that fun. Maybe just one day. Maybe three. Maybe one day. Maybe just three.
Maybe just two. Just kidding. But yeah, so I want to give myself permission to be that girl.
(25:35):
That's great. The girl that got bogged down in all this.
And trying to get my stuff together again.
I i want to not be bored so i i have lots of fun i i would say that i have a lot of fun that that's,
(25:55):
generating my life is not but lately like i feel that like this bit of burnout
and again i talked to my therapist about today and she's like okay you got to
figure out how not to be bored,
that's what rest that's what you need that's rest to read maybe rest or just
like for the next or Or like the things I do consistently, like my job,
job, figure out a different way to look at it so that I don't get.
(26:19):
Well, and to be honest, if we look at it, Lauren, you spent this year backing
off. You did not have any.
That's true. Commitments. And you've had more time to yourself.
And you may just not know.
But I've been happier.
Oh, no, I'm just saying that that one of the consequences, it may not be necessarily
(26:39):
boredom, but getting used to the fact that you have this time and stuff with it. I thrive on new.
Yeah, I thrive on new. I thrive on new places. I thrive on travel.
Any new experience. That's why you're good at new shows. That's why I'm good
at directing. It's why I'm good at looking at an old show in a new way.
You're good at anything I'd have to do consistently. constantly I
(27:00):
I don't like if it was the same if I
had to wake up and go do the same exact thing every day it would
be almost impossible for my personality so I'm
just trying to sort of reimagine what my daily looks like and to really I've
already poured focus into Leo with or I've already poured focus into my son
(27:20):
pretty hardcore and that's been a positive thing and I have great great friendships.
I have a positive, like romantic relationship.
So me wise, I'm good. I need to focus on self care a little bit more,
which is what you just hit on. I need to get a bit more rest.
I need to make sure that I'm exercising consistently, but otherwise,
(27:41):
like I feel really good about where I am.
And so that's going to be my relentless this year is to make sure that everybody
around me is good. And my house is good. Like.
I need to make sure that I'm, like, taken care of so I can care for everybody.
Also, my best friend had a heart attack at 30 years old.
(28:02):
And that has been very, it's rocked our whole little circle a little bit.
Because, huh? Yeah. What? It makes you see life in a different way.
Yeah. So self-care has become, like, I feel like I need to, you know,
make sure that I'm working out every day. And so, anyway, that's just.
(28:23):
You just never know what's going to happen. It's what you were saying.
We're not guaranteed tomorrow. We have no idea.
No idea. We have no idea. So just to make sure you're making the most of every day, I would say.
That's mine. Now, last year, you started the year last year saying you were
going to have a year of only six yeses.
Do you remember that?
(28:43):
I didn't have any down that. It was school year, I think you started that as.
Not necessarily school year. I don't remember when. So this semester, yes.
This semester, I have been. After the summer, I was like, okay.
Because last year was crazy.
Last year was crazy. Well, I've decided, you know, I rolled off of one commitment.
I have one more meeting and I'm done.
(29:06):
And I'm sort of doing the let's disengage a little bit.
Because I have basically lived for my job, not taking time out.
I mean, y'all, I work both Fridays, before Christmas and before New Year's.
And I realized I had some vacation time and
I called about it I got three extra days and
(29:28):
I'm going to work for
myself I mean I still work for my company but you
know what I'm saying yeah I'm gonna do it for me this year not for
let's just grind it out because that's what I was doing that's my type a personality
just get it done check it off and then we'll think about you know after five
o'clock and after five o'clock gets here well now I'm gonna pre-plan some things
(29:51):
I will have one less commitment this year. So that's going to be my.
I think that's great. Because, you know, on the vein of you never know what's
going to happen. If I drop dead, I'll be replaced at work like that.
Yeah. I mean, and, you know, that's, it's hard to imagine that.
But, you know, I have to shift my focus. Yes.
(30:12):
I agree. So my focus this year is going to be to explore.
So I have struggled with not working toward anything. thing.
I've decided not to do any art shows for at least the spring,
possibly the fall, because I know that I need to work on my art,
which means I know I need to actually get in there and do it.
(30:32):
But I've been kind of playing around with some new ideas and that's been fun.
But not having art shows to work towards, not having a master's program to work
towards is very uncomfortable.
But don't you think, I mean, I read things all the time, especially in creative
people, if you are not down and you are not bored, you can't think of the next great idea.
(30:55):
And you have taken time for yourself and you have imposed sort of a no-show
thing so that now you said you were kind of stuck and you didn't know where
your art was going. So now you're kind of thinking of things.
What I have realized in all of that is that one of my weaknesses is to be able
(31:15):
to structure myself, to be able to guide myself and to kind of police myself.
That's why I would never have been a really good mom that stayed home and taught
her kids. I could never have been a homeschool mom.
But I struggle with that.
If art is my work at home, if I'm not working towards a show,
(31:38):
it's defining where I want to go with my art.
I'm going to have to sit down and truly kind of define find what I want to explore
and just sort of set some little things so that I can move towards it.
So, you know, I just, but that's my goal is to kind of push through that uncomfort
and the unknowing and the,
(31:58):
sometimes I perceive it as laziness, but it's kind of like a paralysis because
I'm so overwhelmed with all of the possibilities that I don't actually take
a step forward to push through all of that and really start going towards something.
I think I might actually start taking my Adderall.
That reason yes it's paralysis and v
(32:19):
causes yeah exactly paralysis especially if
you're if you're if i'm faced with a whole bunch of choices and
no one's making them for me yeah i freeze
and it's like i become overwhelmed and
walk away until it's something i have to do
work exactly exactly but for my art
i'm gonna have to do it anyway i don't have that problem in directing
(32:41):
like I never have that problem in directing theater is
the one spot where that doesn't affect me ever
but in my daily anything I
do paralysis I feel in theater you have
a deadline all the time yeah you can't have paralysis because decisions must
be made you must move forward but like in my oh I'm at home oh I have office
(33:03):
tasks to do it's the worst oh well did you notice the pile of Christmas trees
still in my hallway as you walked in the tree's been gone for several Several days.
And yeah, that would be a little paralysis right there. I really don't want to see it.
My tree is actually still up. It has nothing on it because I'm waiting for the
burning. Mine's just up because of epiphany. Yeah.
(33:23):
Burning up. Well, I realize my stuff is still up on the front and it's going
to be way too cold to take it down.
So I guess Christmas is going to be on my house until it works out just a little
bit and I want to be outside. You can put hearts on it for months.
It's red. Very good. That's true. It is red. We'll just go to the next holiday.
(33:45):
Now, I think having downtime is more important than I gave it years ago.
Having downtime to try to figure out what I'm doing and rearrange how I think about things.
Can we also just say, if we haven't said this before, it is okay to have a day where you do nothing.
(34:06):
Let's repeat it. Where you do nothing. On New Year's Day, so I have a big New
Year's Eve party. We need to say it in your breath.
I just don't have a day where you do nothing. Now, I don't do it often.
It's rare, but I do it Christmas Day every time and New Year's Day every time, and it kind of resets me.
(34:29):
I did it Christmas Day, but New Year's Day, oh, my God.
Oh, I did it New Year's Day. I loved it. Y'all had breakfast at your house?
So I had a friend yelled up so I could hear it.
And I was like, I'm not getting out of my bed. I'm staying in my house.
So my friend who wakes up very early in the morning said, I'm going to come
(34:51):
cook breakfast for everybody in the morning. And I said, that's fine.
I will leave my key in my mailbox because I'm not getting up before 10 o'clock.
So he came over, he made breakfast and we all sort of sat.
There was like a group of five of us and we sat in my den and we watched movies all day.
We didn't move until I said, oh, I should probably make something for New Year's food.
(35:18):
So that we enter the year okay so like
went to the grocery store and did that but we did not it was
we had stillness and just
like movie watching just like what we
were distracted and entertained and we had fun together
all day long we did nothing it was fantastic and
every once in a while you need that day i'm not
(35:40):
saying that day i'm not saying that should be what you do
every day because i can't do that every day
like i i would go crazy but you need
the nothingness so that you can do the
something no i'm definitely because then
you just get completely burned out yeah
so i'm still doing the sleep from last year yes i'm so you're gonna concentrate
(36:02):
on that was it eight hours yes seven and a half is my sweet spot oh good that
is what i figured out this last year And then I'm concentrating on getting healthy
with what I eat. Less processed foods. Me too.
Because I really do love cooking. I do not like my kitchen right now,
but I'm trying to love it. I'm trying to find aspects to love it.
(36:23):
I think you cook a lot though, right? I cook, yeah.
Like I cooked before I came. I have been cooking a lot also.
And I want to keep that up. Mm-hmm.
But I need to add a very good, rigorous exercise situation.
And I've been bad during the holidays. We did not walk as much. I needed to get warmer.
Because it was cold. I may have texted Beth today and said, we are not walking today.
(36:49):
And she put a little frigid person on it. I did, because it was frigid outside. It was so cold.
It was so cold. So mine is to get healthy.
I struggled this last year with the whole idea in my head that I needed to lose weight.
Which would be a good goal but i don't
think that i need to stress the weight part as much as the healthy less processed
(37:12):
food part because i'm on the road all the time it's really easy to pick something
up i got a little sloppy with that this year then i found that great fried chicken place and Tupelo.
Anyway, I like food. You're eating on chicken salad chick. I know.
I like food. I like eating at different places.
(37:34):
I have a love affair with food. And so not that I'm going to ignore that because
that's part of who I am, but I'm going to try to make healthier choices.
Maybe not go to Connie's every time I go to Tupelo.
But somebody said they have a weird food combination fried chicken and blueberry
cake donuts and somebody said if you just got the fried chicken you missed out
(37:56):
i was like oh crap so now i've got to go try the.
That's not gonna happen she knew that being healthy is a good goal if you're
not concentrating on physical just,
in your concentration. Oh, honey, I'm just good just like I am.
(38:16):
Are you kidding? My physical appearance is just... You are viewed.
No, you know what I mean? I really feel like, okay, this body is pretty damn good. Sorry.
I birthed two very healthy, smart, attractive children.
Weird times in my life at 33 and 42.
(38:38):
My body gets a little credit for doing that.
And no I'm not gonna look like I'm 20 and I'm
not gonna look like you know I'm so
toned about because I'm not that age to be
that well I'm not but I am gonna try to be the best I can at my age but I'm
not gonna stress out about that if you don't like how I look well I am not interested
(38:59):
enough in spending the time exercising every single day to get that sort of
youngish looking looking body again.
I mean, I probably could do something, but I'm just, I would rather spend it in art.
Yeah. And in watching where I can speak to you.
Yeah. You know, that sort of thing. I don't really want to be overly exercising.
(39:21):
My thing, cause again, like my friend had a physical, like weird thing happened to him.
And so I was relieved by the fact that I had a very good physical,
like yeah not even six months ago so i'm good but
what i want is i don't want anything
to stop me ever physically ever
(39:42):
like i don't want to ever not be able to do exactly
what i want to do so that's what i want to make sure that i maintain is like
very good balance very good mobility very good strength that's true so that's
i would like that's what i'm great yoga into my life where i am stretching every
bone and moving every muscle yoga it's like the best thing you can do I would
really like to do more dance.
(40:02):
You know, I didn't, I didn't dance this semester cause I didn't teach it and
I can feel it all over my body. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
We have some good things to work on this year. I think we do.
So be relentless. Be relentless.
And stay on the sunny side. Yes.
No, it's... Be relentless on the sunny side. Yeah. Be relentless on the sunny side. Absolutely.
(40:29):
But I think that makes a difference. If you're relentless and moving forward
and you're making sure that you're staying focused on the sunny side and the
goals at the end and not the crap.
Well, yeah. I think you can't focus on the past. The past is in the past.
It is what it is. And you can't change it. And you can't change what happened.
And you can't change the bad reviews, which that's a whole other.
(40:53):
Bad reviews is a good episode.
You can't change other people's opinions. Like you can't change anything but you. Okay.
That goes to the other thing that I pulled up today. And I do not have a reference
for it. It says what happened has happened.
Free your mind from it. you're about to start a
new chapter in your life i like the hope and optimism in
(41:14):
that yes accept this change and move
on yeah yep i thought that was a good
one it's the acceptance and moving on the acceptance is
a hard thing it's hard but yeah
and i think we're all three of us are at a point that we've way
accepted yeah and it's just the how how
we're choosing to move on it's sifting the rest
(41:35):
of your life you have to sift it to see
what you want that's true to see seeing what you want it to shake out
we're trying things on yeah we're trying things on we're in the fitting room
i sent you that today yeah we're trying things on to see what fits and what
doesn't exactly all right well are we what are y'all doing this week to live a life you love.
(42:00):
This week. I'm planning a getaway. Oh.
For a surprise birthday party for my daughter. Yay.
Wait, can you, will she listen to this? Yeah, she might. Her friends listen, so I can't say anything.
But I'm fleshing out some ideas, so we'll see. That's fun.
Nothing specific. I'm just like, oh, my roommate moved out.
(42:24):
My upstairs roommate moved out. So I have a whole floor of my house.
Ooh. That I get to sort of reimagine. And on the one hand, I'm going to miss
him. It was nice to have him there.
But otherwise, like, it's going to be great to figure out my house as a whole.
Really from the first time or for the first time since the divorce.
(42:45):
So, yeah, I'm excited about that.
Well, I have my my daughter is here with her roommate and then we're going to
leave on Saturday. today.
Now they may leave on Friday, but regardless, I am loving every single minute
of having them in the house.
I have just really enjoyed having her here.
And I love hearing her and her friend giggle, you know, and just getting to
(43:07):
know more of the people because she's nine hours away.
Just getting to know more of the people that she's spending time with.
Yeah. So I'm just, I'm really looking forward to spending some time with them.
So that's it. All right, ladies, have a good week. Have a wonderful week. Cheers.
Wait, how do I get it to pull up? Why won't it pull up, Bonnie?
(43:30):
Thank y'all for joining us for Champagne Sunday.
See you next week, girls. Cheers. Have a good week.
Music.
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