April 25, 2024 • 32 mins
The hosts dive into personal journeys of reconnecting with old friends during and after a divorce. Sharing their engaging narratives and life lessons, they bring to the fore the pivotal role friendships play during the challenging times of personal trials. They reflect on the reconnection, redefinition of self, and the emotional rescues their friends have offered during the hardships that come with a divorce.
What shines through is the profound understanding these friendships have, undeterred by daily expectations or phases of life. From grade school friends to college buddies who turned into soulmates, each relationship brings unique insights and valuable lessons to their lives. The hosts highlight the concept of friends as mirrors to your past and present soul, guiding you to reflect on your dreams and aspirations and rediscover your future.
A poignant part of this heartfelt conversation revolves around reminiscing about instances when the warmth and support of these friends helped navigate through the entangled emotions of divorce. These vivid discussions serve as a comforting reminder for listeners to value and seek support from their circle of friends, flipping the narrative from personal trials to finding strength and happiness through friendships.
Listen in for an enlightening conversation, infused with shared experiences, valuable lessons, and an infectious dose of optimism as they illustrate the quintessential balance between personal and professional lives. Brace yourself for an episode that goes beyond personal struggles, underscoring the power of friendship as an unlikely yet potent source of strength.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.
(00:29):
Okay, ladies. So tonight we're asking ourselves why it's so important in the
midst of divorce or after divorce or whatever to make sure that you connect
with your oldest friends.
So I, I, we kind of just pre-gamed about this, but like, they're the ones who know you best.
(00:50):
And they're usually the ones who know you before you knew him or.
Yeah. Before your trauma. before your trauma and i don't know i right after
i don't know right after my divorce i had like this little and like i i am really
good friends with with one of those people she's my bestie but and everybody
else i kind of see every now and then but we had a little bit of a reunion.
(01:12):
It's almost been two years now and i just felt like i just felt like it it gave
me like i could grab on and like find me again a little bit you know what i
mean because they knew me then they They knew the original me prior to any of that.
And I think, don't you think that being around people who knew you when you
were young and happy before any of this happened makes you feel young and happy
(01:38):
and like that person that you were? I think they add something to you.
Like, we pre-gamed this, but I talked about, I have friends that I call the before friends.
Like they i marked time with
before my mother died and after my mother died and
these are the people that knew me in grade school
middle school and high school they knew
(02:00):
me before i was like a person you know and i feel like they know the core person
i was they were in girl scouts church choir those kind of activities that kind
of made me the young innocent you and the happy me before or any kind of tragedy of.
And then I have good friends from college that knew me when it all happened.
(02:25):
And then I've made friends afterwards. And each of those friend groups brings something to the table.
But there's something special about having old, old people that kind of knew
your soul before anything tarnished it. And for me, it's my college buddies.
Like, that's my group of soulmates, really.
(02:48):
And part of it is they they knew what I wanted like
they knew what I wanted my life to look like they knew what I like to do like
you're dying because for me at least
that was really formative time of finding out who I was I think part of it part
of that was probably because my parents had been divorced I had had a really
difficult adolescence because of that divorce and I think that was the first
(03:11):
time on my own I really found myself a lot at that time and those those are the friends who,
you know, they did the arts with me and, and they just,
yeah, it was, they're the first group that I have that I felt like really got
me, really understood me. So, yeah.
Well, and I think in divorce, I think you're right.
Reconnecting with the people who knew you before helps you remember that you were happy.
(03:37):
Well, I think it grounds you. Yeah, you were happy. Well, I think it takes you but grounds you back.
You were happy. You had dreams. And those dreams, how can those dreams still
exist after the in-between has happened?
Okay, not only how they can exist, but sometimes, you know, I talk about,
I kind of lost myself there for years.
(04:00):
They not only remind you who you were, but they also tell you,
you know, you had these dreams as a young person.
What they were and how you were seen by your friends, your reflection.
And sometimes that's what you need. You need to see how others see you because
(04:22):
sometimes you're so tarnished by your what you've put up with.
I will just put it that way. What you've put up with, how the other person,
your ex spouse or whoever saw you or projected onto you and kind of lose yourself
and you don't really know what your reflection actually is.
(04:44):
You know, I think I've spoken, you know, when things were really crazy,
I would call my dad and say, does this sound right?
And he would say, Beth, that doesn't sound right at all.
Because you live in a certain environment that maybe is not so healthy for you in your marriage.
Your perception of yourself changes and your older friends know your true self.
(05:11):
They also don't see you as the divorced girl or the girl whose husband cheated
on her or the girl whose husband was an alcoholic.
Or the girl who's let herself go.
Yes. Or that, you know, they don't see any of that.
They see that fun, young, exciting person that you used to be.
So my my college is closing and we're in the midst of planning like a lot of
(05:34):
kind of reunion things and loads of people are coming in next week.
And I realized in the like event that we had planned that one of my best friends
had not commented on any of it. Now, I say this one of my best friends.
I see him every two or three years. We are not phone talkers, but he was my brother.
He's my brother. He's my brother, you know.
(05:56):
So I texted him and I said, hey, I don't know if you've seen any of this.
And it occurred to me, maybe you're not using Facebook very much.
Can I call you and let you know? He was like, sure. so we we
talked yesterday actually and i
said i said how are you he's like
good and i said this is happening he's like great and then he goes okay so what
(06:16):
tell me what happened tell me what happened and i you know talked him through
everything and it's just that that's sometimes that's what just what you need
like all right so i know you went through this well tell let me let Let me know
what it was, you know, and,
and those people have picked up.
I later found out that those people have picked up on a lot of things long before
(06:38):
I did or long before I had said anything.
So anyway, well, I feel like those people kind of know your assets.
Yeah. So they, and they like my group of friends, I have seven girls.
Who I went through grade school, middle school, high school with.
They're my high school friends. We've all stayed together through all these years.
(07:01):
And I can meet with one of them. I have one of them that lives in Birmingham.
I can meet with her. She knows. She can look at my face and know if I'm trying
to hide something or something's bothering me.
And that is, it's disconcerting in a little bit because I think I'm a really good actress.
But also it's really good to know there's there's people out there there's a
(07:23):
group of people who get me like
to to the core like and they're not afraid to tell me hey this is bs or.
We know you're feeling this and you just need
to feel it they kind of keep me true
north you know what i'm saying and so it's kind
of it's kind of interesting to see because i don't i
(07:45):
don't necessarily speak to them all the time no
me neither but there's like four out of the seven
that i speak to constantly you know and
keep up with on a monthly or weekly basis but it's not like we're together but
they know me well enough from way back to know what my facial expressions are
(08:06):
40 years later they can tell me you know yeah see and i'm different and that
i don't have a core or a group of friends like that.
So I have one best friend from high school that, and I talk to her every once in a while.
I have another good friend that I knew from grade school all the way through,
and she was my roommate in college.
And now she, I can call at any point in time. She and I can pick up at any point in time.
(08:30):
And if I need a touchstone, I can call her and she will always be there.
I have another friend, one friend that I met in college, and then I can touch,
call her. her. She lives in Atlanta, same kind of way.
But for the most part, I never had those groups of friends.
I went to such a humongous high school. I had two or three, you know,
just a little small, a little close group that really only stayed in touch with
(08:53):
one or two, nothing like that. And in college, it was the same way.
And y'all know, I had a friend who reached back out for me from college and
that ended up in a complete disaster, dating disaster.
So, but you know, I really didn't have these groups of people that I felt like myself with.
So I guess sometimes when I
talk to y'all about feeling like I don't never feel like I really fit in.
(09:14):
I didn't find that until I was married here in Decatur.
So what are you saying that the South?
They are your people they are your tribe girl for you.
(09:35):
Yeah but you know but i found my best
friends after getting married and
being kind of part of the small decatur community i
did not have that foundation my sister
is one of my very best best friends and that way you
had a sister see I did not have I did I do have a sister
you're also Beth and I are also like major extroverts yes
(09:56):
and I am not and I am not an extrovert I am I
am kind of a follow the crowd love to be invisible but
be pulled along by my friends so that that does sort of
yeah but that does mean that I didn't have all of
those friends to go back to and I y'all talk about all and it makes me a little
jealous because I don't have that you know I'm a collector yes and i like to
(10:18):
collect very eclectic people i just don't like to have a time i agree yeah i
collect them one at a time i'll collect great big old grapes,
so so that's been we're the collectors we're the ones running the show wait
is is are you telling me that i've been collected I thought you weren't going to say anything.
(10:44):
We collected you. You weren't supposed to. I know. You haven't marched with the address of F.
A street with a yike,
general's nose but I have
got my very best friends I made after marriage
(11:07):
raising children and that
sort of thing one of my very best friends lives one
all of my best friends live right here I've got one two
blocks one way I've got you next door you two
blocks and one I can see their living room from the front of my
my my crew that i roll with they're more
local but like my like core friends they're
(11:29):
all over the country you're just too cool hey
yo you
know i'm so happy to have a young you know my i'm
not young i'm not young but like
those people are scattered like my
my like again my soulmate friends i
(11:50):
told somebody body like we're having this reunion next weekend and I said I
feel so excited I feel like a tiny child like I have gutters in my stomach about
it I feel like the loves of my life are literally about to all be in one spot
but like summer in New York and Pennsylvania and South Carolina and.
Paris and Scotland and just everybody's scattered all over so I feel like I
(12:14):
have one of each anywhere I go which is kind of fun but also we never get to
see each other so it's like I don't I don't know. It's just a wild feeling.
It makes me feel terrible about not keeping up with people. But part of that's
my ADD out of sight, out of mind.
I don't keep up with people. And the people who you love and who love you get that.
(12:35):
Yeah. And when you have that, like my friend Jeremy, who is my,
he's my brother. Is he the one that came and stayed with you for 10 years?
Yeah, right after my divorce. Yeah. And like right after my brief breakup with my partner. Yeah.
He came into town to do a casting thing, and then he stayed with me for a week.
(12:55):
He stayed with me for a week.
And I've known him since I was 14, 13, 14.
He's literally, we call him our brother. My sisters and I call him our brother.
He was my mom's drama student, and he just grew up with me. Like, I've known him forever.
We've gone through every important thing he knows about. about
so he came and stayed with me for a week and we
(13:17):
like we cleaned the house and we talked all day
and all night and we just like processed so much
of life and things that had happened and
things to look forward to and it was that was the single most like like rejuvenating
thing was just having him there he was like a drug he was like a drug didn't
(13:37):
he ground you too yeah yeah i remember I remember him saying things that really
made you think and feel kind of processed.
Yeah. I remember that period too. And I think you needed that.
I think everybody needs somebody that can say the hard things and also have
hard conversations and listen and hear the hard things.
(13:59):
What I was going to say is sometimes it's easier to hear those hard things from
the people who've known you the longest.
Yes. As they can look at you and go, this isn't really you.
Or what's this going on here? Because this is not how you are or have been.
I think they bring a different perspective, too, from your new friends.
(14:24):
I love my new friends. I love my old friends. I love the middle people.
But the old friends can look at me and say, Bye.
The old Beth Burns would not have put up with this. What happened to this boundary?
What happened to this goal?
What happened to this dream that you had?
They know all those things that, you know, didn't have any kind of coding on them.
(14:51):
You know. Right. That you never defined. You just lived.
Yeah, exactly. Well, that's I have one friend who showed up for my ex-husband's
funeral. Because, you know, when he passed, we had the church service,
but then everybody came to my house, you know?
And so, and one of my friends from college walked through the door and I lost it.
You know, it just, you know, to have her take the time to drive from Atlanta
(15:16):
here just for the funeral and drive back meant more to me than I can ever say.
And I can't really say I've really talked to her a whole lot since then. but
I know that if I needed her yeah I could pick up
the phone and call her and she'd be right but that's I think that like
sometimes your very very closest friends don't have
that expectation of the daily from you because because everybody's
(15:39):
so busy at the grind and with their families and there's this like level of
understanding that you're always going to be close you're always going to be
friends you're always going to know each other you don't have to explain you
don't have to explain yourself yes that's what it is you don't have to explain
this you just have You just have to be, you just have to be.
And like, I have had so many moments where my, those old buddies are like,
(16:03):
you're hurting, come here.
Like I talk about it, like, just be.
And that's, I don't know, that can be more, especially when you're trying to
juggle a million things in life.
Like to have that, to have people
that can catch you or know that they're there if you need my catching.
(16:23):
Everything to me anyway well well but it
makes divorce not i won't
necessarily say easier i'll say bearable
yeah you know because your friends
came out of the woodwork sort of yeah lauren when you divorced and so you're
older and just kind of especially him come to stay with you yeah saw a need
(16:44):
filled a need yeah and we're there for you you know i think that i think that's
just And I have friends that I have made since that get me on that level.
I only have two or three that really get me on that level.
When I was really struggling after that first year, like really struggling,
I had all kinds of stuff going on.
(17:05):
I just couldn't get it together. I just could not get it together.
And for a type A person, that's a very, it freaked me out.
I mean, it was just, I just felt like I was in the twilight zone all the time.
And I had a friend that came to my house and helped me just,
like your friend, get organized.
She spent days there with me. Not only did she organize with me,
(17:29):
she's also my children's godmother.
And she, like, made sure that they each had something special.
Not just a gift, but, like, she spent time with them and gave them tasks to
do that she knew that they could complete and feel good about it.
And she kind of just descended on my household and kind of got us all pointed,
herded us like cats, herded us into the right direction that we needed to go.
(17:54):
And I had this, I have to admit, I had this huge sense of dread that she was
coming because my house was a mess. Right.
You know, my life was in crumbles at that time. I mean, it really was.
And she came in and she just, I'm sure your friend was like that too.
It didn't matter what it looked like.
Just come and take care of you. And he did. He like just helped me.
(18:16):
We cleaned my whole house. He made me take Adderall.
He made me take Adderall. He was like, no, you're going to need to talk to your
doctor about this because you have ADD.
But in the meantime, I'm going to give you a five milligram and we're going
to get your house. Well, but it also helped you plan how you're going to rearrange
your house. Yeah. We did use all that.
All through it all. Yes. So much just like basic stuff.
(18:38):
And like I got up in the middle of the night, there was a light on in my kitchen.
I got up and her husband and my older child were cleaning silver at 2 a.m.
Typing cigars and having a big time. Like it was like she made it fun.
Yeah. You know? Because sometimes when you're at that point,
you don't have the emotional energy to think through how that.
(18:58):
I had no energy. somebody can push you can just be there
with you honestly you can okay well can we also
say that if you're in a point where you're feeling desperate
alone reach out to those people yes yeah
they love you but i don't want to i don't know i
know you do that i know but we have you don't
want to but what i'm saying is you have our permission to yeah you do that if
(19:20):
you do it it will make you'll you'll see who's there for you you'll those friends
feel the same about you know what i mean it just it can open up the door instead
of because for me i especially being introverted,
not as many people would know unless
you were close to me and keeping tabs on me the things were going on with me
(19:40):
well and i life life is just the way we live now is just so busy it's so busy
all the time so you have to i mean we tizzle that out for the people who are
in our immediate presence.
But those friends that aren't like my best friend in the world are.
Lives in Birmingham I don't I we don't I'm not that much of a phone talker unless it's to my,
(20:05):
partner and I have one friend that I talk to on the phone
just like catch up daily which is kind of our routine it's a
routine but like my bestie I don't talk to her every day but then it's like
then I every two months we're like oh my god I have so much to tell you but
you know yeah and then I see her probably three or four times a year you know
and yeah but it's it's just That's what our lives are and who knows what it will be later,
(20:29):
but it doesn't make, it doesn't make that relationship any less strong or,
I mean, it doesn't, there's no requirements.
Right. There's no expectations. No, you can't, everybody has,
has their own stuff going on.
And when you really need your people, they'll be there for you.
I have a question for y'all because I feel like I have a, not a superpower,
(20:54):
but it's It's not a power that anybody wants, but do you feel like going through
trauma and having had someone help you that you can recognize when somebody
needs help when they're down,
when they're in the middle of just that, you know, I think I could tell that
mainly because I am an actor.
(21:15):
And so I can read it. But yeah, but has it become heightened since your divorce?
No. See, I feel like it has for me. I think that, yes, it's become heightened only that.
I don't know. This is going to, I don't mean to sound cold when I say this,
(21:35):
but sometimes you have to decide to what level you can deal with somebody else's. Well, okay.
No, I'm not saying deal with it. I'm saying do you recognize it in people?
Yeah. Like I can, now I look at people like, okay, I went to church through my whole thing.
I know I did not look my best when I was going through things.
I thought I had fixed up enough to go to church and in public.
(21:58):
Yeah but now in public i can
notice the girl that's sitting by herself with a little
bit of not super slumpy shoulders but there's
a little bit that she's not crisp you know
what i'm saying and she's done her hair but
it's not the great like i can pick those people out
and there's a sadness in people's eyes that's what i was there's a difference
(22:22):
things differently i'll pick it up in language they'll be i'll take it up in
body yeah it's just sort of a body language but the words just kind of phrased
differently yeah but i think that all three of us have narrowed our circles.
So they're in and we're very cautious of allowing other people to grow so that's
that's what i was going to say is i'm really careful about what i let in i think
(22:45):
part of our pregame part of our pregame conversation i was like y'all i just
cannot have any more i don't want any more new new people right now.
And that's just how I feel. That doesn't mean I'm going to feel like that forever.
And that doesn't mean I'm not going to meet somebody who blows me over and that
that's one of the people that I want to, but like, I'm just at a point where
like, I cannot, I cannot include another.
(23:06):
Well, you know, I, I, I kind of took that to an end to grow when I moved here.
And even when I lived in Columbia, I don't let a whole lot of people in my house
that I say, I don't want certain energy in my house.
I did make the mistake of letting someone in that I had dated previously into my house.
And it was a weird, it was a very weird vibe.
(23:30):
And I felt like I needed to light a candle, like really bird's eye.
I felt like it was an uneasy feeling in my house.
And I knew at the time, of course, I didn't want to be rude. i
knew at the time when he stepped in that it
was not optimal but
and i'm very careful who i let in my house now almost to the point that i'm
(23:54):
pushing recluse but which is hard for an extrovert but it is very i'm very i'm
very wary and i'm very cognizant of people's energy that they put it Yeah.
Do y'all feel that? I mean, or is it just me? I don't really tolerate much negative energy around me.
(24:15):
That's, that's one of the, that's a hot subject and we probably,
yeah, I don't, that on a different episode.
It's always time. Well, we could spin it. Yeah. Like I, I really like,
I, I try to put positive energy in. I try to talk about that with my students.
I try to be really nice all the time.
I found out somebody had said some, some untruths about things I had said the other day.
(24:40):
And I had to have it like a bit of a reckoning where I was like,
we're not going to promote that. We're not going to lie.
Don't have my name in your mouth if it's not something you actually heard me
say. So I said, what are we going to say if somebody says Lauren said dot, dot, dot?
And they all went, we're going to ask if Lauren actually said that to you. Yes.
(25:00):
Unless you heard Lauren say it, it doesn't exist. Like, that's not a true statement.
So let that go. and i just i
just don't i don't put up with that anymore i
don't put up with like with with yelling or
raise voices or anything like that how much more peace do you have
in your life for setting these boundaries that keep negative energy my friend
(25:23):
my friend yesterday who i was on the phone with who was i mean he he was very
close to me and my ex i he was my roommate at the time and he knew my ex very
well as well and he was like tell me what happened and i talked to to do everything.
And he said, or wait, what did I say?
I said, he said, how do you feel now? And I said that I just wish I had made
(25:45):
the decision a lot earlier.
And I said, but I will never regret any time keeping my family together.
Like my son needed that. I'm like, I'm not going to regret that.
However, the way I feel now is so...
Light i feel light and i feel happy all the time that's what i said when i was
talking about the the line and it's brand i was like i'm a very happy person.
(26:08):
I'm a very happy person and i'm unhappy because this happened this morning you
made me unhappy and i don't like that so i just i i that is how i got to live
that is the energy that i want to to put in the universe.
And I don't, anytime any negative thing infiltrates, it really goes all over my body.
(26:31):
Like I can feel it all over my body. So I just keep those things out.
And it has been great in my partnership because when we're very even keeled
people, but, and I don't really have, but every once in a while he'll have a
little moment, like this little irritated moment.
Like I had, I had my shoes on in the house the other day and
I tracked leaves in and he was was in a bad mood and he
(26:53):
was like you have your shoes on you truck leasing I was like and we're
gonna take them out and it's gonna be okay and
then it just quashed the moment because that just you know
because that's how yeah we deal with things we're not gonna make anything big
of it it's gonna be fine next like
you know well I have I have a whole new way of looking at things thinking I'm
(27:16):
very careful with negative people and I've had to set boundaries I just set
boundaries reason I've had to kind of step back from a couple of relationships
because like you said, I'm not going to tolerate.
Negative comments. I'm not going to tolerate raised voices or somebody shrieking at me.
I'm just not going to do it. I'm just not going to do it. I said to the group,
(27:38):
I'm going to call it the group that I was talking to the other day.
I said, do not spread untreats.
Do not be dramatic or promote drama.
Unless you're on stage. That is the only place that's... And I said,
because you know what it is?
Unattractive. Nobody wants to be around that energy. So why would you want to be that?
So stop. And to be honest, and I know that we were about to have to cut our
(28:02):
time short, but I just want to make, even if you have these long time friendships,
if they're toxic to you, time in is not an excuse to keep them.
No, you have got to cut those loose because there is a point in time,
just like with each one of our marriages, they played out.
Yeah. Well, everything has a time. They served their time and it was in.
(28:23):
What is it? You know, and it ended.
And there can be an end for everything. There's an expiration date.
There's an expiration date.
There's a ninth inning. There's an ending. There's an end to the game.
We're done. And it's okay for friendships to end.
It's okay for relationships to end. And it's okay to garner your own friendships
back to you. Sometimes it runs its course and it's all right because it served
(28:47):
its purpose at that time in your life. And that's just what makes up our lives.
Yes. And you don't have to hang on. You don't have to continue to pay someone
in friendship for kindnesses of the past.
That's true. That's a hard lesson to learn. It's a hard lesson to learn.
That just because they were kind to you in the past does not mean you have to
continue to pay them in friendship if their friendship has turned toxic to you.
(29:12):
All right, so let's wrap it up. So what are we doing this week or weekend to
live the life that you love, ladies?
So I'm trying not to obligate myself to anything tomorrow because I have so much going on.
So I'm trying just to be still. You're doing the best you can.
I am. But next weekend is my theater reunion.
And I'm just, I'm trying to buckle down because everyone I love.
(29:34):
You're going to have so much fun. I'm so excited for you. It's going to be, it's going to be so.
You're going to be a whole new Lauren. I know, I was, I was.
A whole new old Lauren. I told my class about it this morning.
I teach at a college, so I can say this.
I told my class about it. They said, oh, you're going to get wasted. And I said, maybe.
You're going to be the whole new old Lauren when you get back.
(29:55):
Yeah. So we're going to have a really good time. So what about you?
I'm going to a huge plant sale with a friend.
And I'm going to hang out. It's the first weekend of the Farmer's Market.
So y'all know the old lady gardener and me, collector of vegetables and cooking
me. It's going to be down there. It's in a new location.
So I'm going to try that. And the rest of the weekend, I'm doing absolutely
nothing. Maybe some stitching.
(30:17):
That's about it. Well, I have a conference to go to Sunday, Monday.
Not necessarily anything fabulously exciting. Some computer science stuff.
But my fun's already happened. And my sister's in.
She lives out of the country. And so she was in and she spent the night with me one night this week.
And we had a shopping day to look for a mother of the groom dress for me and
all of that. And it was just so fabulous to have her in my house and just have her for 24 hours.
(30:45):
Well, she's your constant. Yeah, she is. And she's like a part of me.
And so just to have her around was just so, just so wonderful.
So I've already had mine. Let's toast to old friends. Old friends.
Old friends. And to new friends. As girls. As girls. As girls.
Oh, wait. Did you just sing the girlfriend? The Girl Scout song?
(31:06):
No, it's. oh okay sorry I just thought you were talking about friendship some
friends are silver in the ice that one is.
How do we remember that I don't know,
(31:27):
apparently we were all a girl scout on my honor I will try to serve God in my
country to help people at all times I had to live by the girl's gal.
We are nerds. I said that was not set to song, so I don't remember it.
I remember the part set to song.
Oh, my honor, I will try to serve God in my country.
(31:48):
To help people of all times, I had to live by the girl's gal.
You'd be a very good Catholic. Yeah, you'd be great. I'm a cancer.
I can't do it. Yeah, yeah. All right.
Love y'all. Have a good week. Bye. Thank y'all for joining us for Champagne Sunday.
See you next week have a good week.
(32:10):
Music.
Music.
(00:29):
Okay, ladies. So tonight we're asking ourselves why it's so important in the
midst of divorce or after divorce or whatever to make sure that you connect
with your oldest friends.
So I, I, we kind of just pre-gamed about this, but like, they're the ones who know you best.
(00:50):
And they're usually the ones who know you before you knew him or.
Yeah. Before your trauma. before your trauma and i don't know i right after
i don't know right after my divorce i had like this little and like i i am really
good friends with with one of those people she's my bestie but and everybody
else i kind of see every now and then but we had a little bit of a reunion.
(01:12):
It's almost been two years now and i just felt like i just felt like it it gave
me like i could grab on and like find me again a little bit you know what i
mean because they knew me then they They knew the original me prior to any of that.
And I think, don't you think that being around people who knew you when you
were young and happy before any of this happened makes you feel young and happy
(01:38):
and like that person that you were? I think they add something to you.
Like, we pre-gamed this, but I talked about, I have friends that I call the before friends.
Like they i marked time with
before my mother died and after my mother died and
these are the people that knew me in grade school
middle school and high school they knew
(02:00):
me before i was like a person you know and i feel like they know the core person
i was they were in girl scouts church choir those kind of activities that kind
of made me the young innocent you and the happy me before or any kind of tragedy of.
And then I have good friends from college that knew me when it all happened.
(02:25):
And then I've made friends afterwards. And each of those friend groups brings something to the table.
But there's something special about having old, old people that kind of knew
your soul before anything tarnished it. And for me, it's my college buddies.
Like, that's my group of soulmates, really.
(02:48):
And part of it is they they knew what I wanted like
they knew what I wanted my life to look like they knew what I like to do like
you're dying because for me at least
that was really formative time of finding out who I was I think part of it part
of that was probably because my parents had been divorced I had had a really
difficult adolescence because of that divorce and I think that was the first
(03:11):
time on my own I really found myself a lot at that time and those those are the friends who,
you know, they did the arts with me and, and they just,
yeah, it was, they're the first group that I have that I felt like really got
me, really understood me. So, yeah.
Well, and I think in divorce, I think you're right.
Reconnecting with the people who knew you before helps you remember that you were happy.
(03:37):
Well, I think it grounds you. Yeah, you were happy. Well, I think it takes you but grounds you back.
You were happy. You had dreams. And those dreams, how can those dreams still
exist after the in-between has happened?
Okay, not only how they can exist, but sometimes, you know, I talk about,
I kind of lost myself there for years.
(04:00):
They not only remind you who you were, but they also tell you,
you know, you had these dreams as a young person.
What they were and how you were seen by your friends, your reflection.
And sometimes that's what you need. You need to see how others see you because
(04:22):
sometimes you're so tarnished by your what you've put up with.
I will just put it that way. What you've put up with, how the other person,
your ex spouse or whoever saw you or projected onto you and kind of lose yourself
and you don't really know what your reflection actually is.
(04:44):
You know, I think I've spoken, you know, when things were really crazy,
I would call my dad and say, does this sound right?
And he would say, Beth, that doesn't sound right at all.
Because you live in a certain environment that maybe is not so healthy for you in your marriage.
Your perception of yourself changes and your older friends know your true self.
(05:11):
They also don't see you as the divorced girl or the girl whose husband cheated
on her or the girl whose husband was an alcoholic.
Or the girl who's let herself go.
Yes. Or that, you know, they don't see any of that.
They see that fun, young, exciting person that you used to be.
So my my college is closing and we're in the midst of planning like a lot of
(05:34):
kind of reunion things and loads of people are coming in next week.
And I realized in the like event that we had planned that one of my best friends
had not commented on any of it. Now, I say this one of my best friends.
I see him every two or three years. We are not phone talkers, but he was my brother.
He's my brother. He's my brother, you know.
(05:56):
So I texted him and I said, hey, I don't know if you've seen any of this.
And it occurred to me, maybe you're not using Facebook very much.
Can I call you and let you know? He was like, sure. so we we
talked yesterday actually and i
said i said how are you he's like
good and i said this is happening he's like great and then he goes okay so what
(06:16):
tell me what happened tell me what happened and i you know talked him through
everything and it's just that that's sometimes that's what just what you need
like all right so i know you went through this well tell let me let Let me know
what it was, you know, and,
and those people have picked up.
I later found out that those people have picked up on a lot of things long before
(06:38):
I did or long before I had said anything.
So anyway, well, I feel like those people kind of know your assets.
Yeah. So they, and they like my group of friends, I have seven girls.
Who I went through grade school, middle school, high school with.
They're my high school friends. We've all stayed together through all these years.
(07:01):
And I can meet with one of them. I have one of them that lives in Birmingham.
I can meet with her. She knows. She can look at my face and know if I'm trying
to hide something or something's bothering me.
And that is, it's disconcerting in a little bit because I think I'm a really good actress.
But also it's really good to know there's there's people out there there's a
(07:23):
group of people who get me like
to to the core like and they're not afraid to tell me hey this is bs or.
We know you're feeling this and you just need
to feel it they kind of keep me true
north you know what i'm saying and so it's kind
of it's kind of interesting to see because i don't i
(07:45):
don't necessarily speak to them all the time no
me neither but there's like four out of the seven
that i speak to constantly you know and
keep up with on a monthly or weekly basis but it's not like we're together but
they know me well enough from way back to know what my facial expressions are
(08:06):
40 years later they can tell me you know yeah see and i'm different and that
i don't have a core or a group of friends like that.
So I have one best friend from high school that, and I talk to her every once in a while.
I have another good friend that I knew from grade school all the way through,
and she was my roommate in college.
And now she, I can call at any point in time. She and I can pick up at any point in time.
(08:30):
And if I need a touchstone, I can call her and she will always be there.
I have another friend, one friend that I met in college, and then I can touch,
call her. her. She lives in Atlanta, same kind of way.
But for the most part, I never had those groups of friends.
I went to such a humongous high school. I had two or three, you know,
just a little small, a little close group that really only stayed in touch with
(08:53):
one or two, nothing like that. And in college, it was the same way.
And y'all know, I had a friend who reached back out for me from college and
that ended up in a complete disaster, dating disaster.
So, but you know, I really didn't have these groups of people that I felt like myself with.
So I guess sometimes when I
talk to y'all about feeling like I don't never feel like I really fit in.
(09:14):
I didn't find that until I was married here in Decatur.
So what are you saying that the South?
They are your people they are your tribe girl for you.
(09:35):
Yeah but you know but i found my best
friends after getting married and
being kind of part of the small decatur community i
did not have that foundation my sister
is one of my very best best friends and that way you
had a sister see I did not have I did I do have a sister
you're also Beth and I are also like major extroverts yes
(09:56):
and I am not and I am not an extrovert I am I
am kind of a follow the crowd love to be invisible but
be pulled along by my friends so that that does sort of
yeah but that does mean that I didn't have all of
those friends to go back to and I y'all talk about all and it makes me a little
jealous because I don't have that you know I'm a collector yes and i like to
(10:18):
collect very eclectic people i just don't like to have a time i agree yeah i
collect them one at a time i'll collect great big old grapes,
so so that's been we're the collectors we're the ones running the show wait
is is are you telling me that i've been collected I thought you weren't going to say anything.
(10:44):
We collected you. You weren't supposed to. I know. You haven't marched with the address of F.
A street with a yike,
general's nose but I have
got my very best friends I made after marriage
(11:07):
raising children and that
sort of thing one of my very best friends lives one
all of my best friends live right here I've got one two
blocks one way I've got you next door you two
blocks and one I can see their living room from the front of my
my my crew that i roll with they're more
local but like my like core friends they're
(11:29):
all over the country you're just too cool hey
yo you
know i'm so happy to have a young you know my i'm
not young i'm not young but like
those people are scattered like my
my like again my soulmate friends i
(11:50):
told somebody body like we're having this reunion next weekend and I said I
feel so excited I feel like a tiny child like I have gutters in my stomach about
it I feel like the loves of my life are literally about to all be in one spot
but like summer in New York and Pennsylvania and South Carolina and.
Paris and Scotland and just everybody's scattered all over so I feel like I
(12:14):
have one of each anywhere I go which is kind of fun but also we never get to
see each other so it's like I don't I don't know. It's just a wild feeling.
It makes me feel terrible about not keeping up with people. But part of that's
my ADD out of sight, out of mind.
I don't keep up with people. And the people who you love and who love you get that.
(12:35):
Yeah. And when you have that, like my friend Jeremy, who is my,
he's my brother. Is he the one that came and stayed with you for 10 years?
Yeah, right after my divorce. Yeah. And like right after my brief breakup with my partner. Yeah.
He came into town to do a casting thing, and then he stayed with me for a week.
(12:55):
He stayed with me for a week.
And I've known him since I was 14, 13, 14.
He's literally, we call him our brother. My sisters and I call him our brother.
He was my mom's drama student, and he just grew up with me. Like, I've known him forever.
We've gone through every important thing he knows about. about
so he came and stayed with me for a week and we
(13:17):
like we cleaned the house and we talked all day
and all night and we just like processed so much
of life and things that had happened and
things to look forward to and it was that was the single most like like rejuvenating
thing was just having him there he was like a drug he was like a drug didn't
(13:37):
he ground you too yeah yeah i remember I remember him saying things that really
made you think and feel kind of processed.
Yeah. I remember that period too. And I think you needed that.
I think everybody needs somebody that can say the hard things and also have
hard conversations and listen and hear the hard things.
(13:59):
What I was going to say is sometimes it's easier to hear those hard things from
the people who've known you the longest.
Yes. As they can look at you and go, this isn't really you.
Or what's this going on here? Because this is not how you are or have been.
I think they bring a different perspective, too, from your new friends.
(14:24):
I love my new friends. I love my old friends. I love the middle people.
But the old friends can look at me and say, Bye.
The old Beth Burns would not have put up with this. What happened to this boundary?
What happened to this goal?
What happened to this dream that you had?
They know all those things that, you know, didn't have any kind of coding on them.
(14:51):
You know. Right. That you never defined. You just lived.
Yeah, exactly. Well, that's I have one friend who showed up for my ex-husband's
funeral. Because, you know, when he passed, we had the church service,
but then everybody came to my house, you know?
And so, and one of my friends from college walked through the door and I lost it.
You know, it just, you know, to have her take the time to drive from Atlanta
(15:16):
here just for the funeral and drive back meant more to me than I can ever say.
And I can't really say I've really talked to her a whole lot since then. but
I know that if I needed her yeah I could pick up
the phone and call her and she'd be right but that's I think that like
sometimes your very very closest friends don't have
that expectation of the daily from you because because everybody's
(15:39):
so busy at the grind and with their families and there's this like level of
understanding that you're always going to be close you're always going to be
friends you're always going to know each other you don't have to explain you
don't have to explain yourself yes that's what it is you don't have to explain
this you just have You just have to be, you just have to be.
And like, I have had so many moments where my, those old buddies are like,
(16:03):
you're hurting, come here.
Like I talk about it, like, just be.
And that's, I don't know, that can be more, especially when you're trying to
juggle a million things in life.
Like to have that, to have people
that can catch you or know that they're there if you need my catching.
(16:23):
Everything to me anyway well well but it
makes divorce not i won't
necessarily say easier i'll say bearable
yeah you know because your friends
came out of the woodwork sort of yeah lauren when you divorced and so you're
older and just kind of especially him come to stay with you yeah saw a need
(16:44):
filled a need yeah and we're there for you you know i think that i think that's
just And I have friends that I have made since that get me on that level.
I only have two or three that really get me on that level.
When I was really struggling after that first year, like really struggling,
I had all kinds of stuff going on.
(17:05):
I just couldn't get it together. I just could not get it together.
And for a type A person, that's a very, it freaked me out.
I mean, it was just, I just felt like I was in the twilight zone all the time.
And I had a friend that came to my house and helped me just,
like your friend, get organized.
She spent days there with me. Not only did she organize with me,
(17:29):
she's also my children's godmother.
And she, like, made sure that they each had something special.
Not just a gift, but, like, she spent time with them and gave them tasks to
do that she knew that they could complete and feel good about it.
And she kind of just descended on my household and kind of got us all pointed,
herded us like cats, herded us into the right direction that we needed to go.
(17:54):
And I had this, I have to admit, I had this huge sense of dread that she was
coming because my house was a mess. Right.
You know, my life was in crumbles at that time. I mean, it really was.
And she came in and she just, I'm sure your friend was like that too.
It didn't matter what it looked like.
Just come and take care of you. And he did. He like just helped me.
(18:16):
We cleaned my whole house. He made me take Adderall.
He made me take Adderall. He was like, no, you're going to need to talk to your
doctor about this because you have ADD.
But in the meantime, I'm going to give you a five milligram and we're going
to get your house. Well, but it also helped you plan how you're going to rearrange
your house. Yeah. We did use all that.
All through it all. Yes. So much just like basic stuff.
(18:38):
And like I got up in the middle of the night, there was a light on in my kitchen.
I got up and her husband and my older child were cleaning silver at 2 a.m.
Typing cigars and having a big time. Like it was like she made it fun.
Yeah. You know? Because sometimes when you're at that point,
you don't have the emotional energy to think through how that.
(18:58):
I had no energy. somebody can push you can just be there
with you honestly you can okay well can we also
say that if you're in a point where you're feeling desperate
alone reach out to those people yes yeah
they love you but i don't want to i don't know i
know you do that i know but we have you don't
want to but what i'm saying is you have our permission to yeah you do that if
(19:20):
you do it it will make you'll you'll see who's there for you you'll those friends
feel the same about you know what i mean it just it can open up the door instead
of because for me i especially being introverted,
not as many people would know unless
you were close to me and keeping tabs on me the things were going on with me
(19:40):
well and i life life is just the way we live now is just so busy it's so busy
all the time so you have to i mean we tizzle that out for the people who are
in our immediate presence.
But those friends that aren't like my best friend in the world are.
Lives in Birmingham I don't I we don't I'm not that much of a phone talker unless it's to my,
(20:05):
partner and I have one friend that I talk to on the phone
just like catch up daily which is kind of our routine it's a
routine but like my bestie I don't talk to her every day but then it's like
then I every two months we're like oh my god I have so much to tell you but
you know yeah and then I see her probably three or four times a year you know
and yeah but it's it's just That's what our lives are and who knows what it will be later,
(20:29):
but it doesn't make, it doesn't make that relationship any less strong or,
I mean, it doesn't, there's no requirements.
Right. There's no expectations. No, you can't, everybody has,
has their own stuff going on.
And when you really need your people, they'll be there for you.
I have a question for y'all because I feel like I have a, not a superpower,
(20:54):
but it's It's not a power that anybody wants, but do you feel like going through
trauma and having had someone help you that you can recognize when somebody
needs help when they're down,
when they're in the middle of just that, you know, I think I could tell that
mainly because I am an actor.
(21:15):
And so I can read it. But yeah, but has it become heightened since your divorce?
No. See, I feel like it has for me. I think that, yes, it's become heightened only that.
I don't know. This is going to, I don't mean to sound cold when I say this,
(21:35):
but sometimes you have to decide to what level you can deal with somebody else's. Well, okay.
No, I'm not saying deal with it. I'm saying do you recognize it in people?
Yeah. Like I can, now I look at people like, okay, I went to church through my whole thing.
I know I did not look my best when I was going through things.
I thought I had fixed up enough to go to church and in public.
(21:58):
Yeah but now in public i can
notice the girl that's sitting by herself with a little
bit of not super slumpy shoulders but there's
a little bit that she's not crisp you know
what i'm saying and she's done her hair but
it's not the great like i can pick those people out
and there's a sadness in people's eyes that's what i was there's a difference
(22:22):
things differently i'll pick it up in language they'll be i'll take it up in
body yeah it's just sort of a body language but the words just kind of phrased
differently yeah but i think that all three of us have narrowed our circles.
So they're in and we're very cautious of allowing other people to grow so that's
that's what i was going to say is i'm really careful about what i let in i think
(22:45):
part of our pregame part of our pregame conversation i was like y'all i just
cannot have any more i don't want any more new new people right now.
And that's just how I feel. That doesn't mean I'm going to feel like that forever.
And that doesn't mean I'm not going to meet somebody who blows me over and that
that's one of the people that I want to, but like, I'm just at a point where
like, I cannot, I cannot include another.
(23:06):
Well, you know, I, I, I kind of took that to an end to grow when I moved here.
And even when I lived in Columbia, I don't let a whole lot of people in my house
that I say, I don't want certain energy in my house.
I did make the mistake of letting someone in that I had dated previously into my house.
And it was a weird, it was a very weird vibe.
(23:30):
And I felt like I needed to light a candle, like really bird's eye.
I felt like it was an uneasy feeling in my house.
And I knew at the time, of course, I didn't want to be rude. i
knew at the time when he stepped in that it
was not optimal but
and i'm very careful who i let in my house now almost to the point that i'm
(23:54):
pushing recluse but which is hard for an extrovert but it is very i'm very i'm
very wary and i'm very cognizant of people's energy that they put it Yeah.
Do y'all feel that? I mean, or is it just me? I don't really tolerate much negative energy around me.
(24:15):
That's, that's one of the, that's a hot subject and we probably,
yeah, I don't, that on a different episode.
It's always time. Well, we could spin it. Yeah. Like I, I really like,
I, I try to put positive energy in. I try to talk about that with my students.
I try to be really nice all the time.
I found out somebody had said some, some untruths about things I had said the other day.
(24:40):
And I had to have it like a bit of a reckoning where I was like,
we're not going to promote that. We're not going to lie.
Don't have my name in your mouth if it's not something you actually heard me
say. So I said, what are we going to say if somebody says Lauren said dot, dot, dot?
And they all went, we're going to ask if Lauren actually said that to you. Yes.
(25:00):
Unless you heard Lauren say it, it doesn't exist. Like, that's not a true statement.
So let that go. and i just i
just don't i don't put up with that anymore i
don't put up with like with with yelling or
raise voices or anything like that how much more peace do you have
in your life for setting these boundaries that keep negative energy my friend
(25:23):
my friend yesterday who i was on the phone with who was i mean he he was very
close to me and my ex i he was my roommate at the time and he knew my ex very
well as well and he was like tell me what happened and i talked to to do everything.
And he said, or wait, what did I say?
I said, he said, how do you feel now? And I said that I just wish I had made
(25:45):
the decision a lot earlier.
And I said, but I will never regret any time keeping my family together.
Like my son needed that. I'm like, I'm not going to regret that.
However, the way I feel now is so...
Light i feel light and i feel happy all the time that's what i said when i was
talking about the the line and it's brand i was like i'm a very happy person.
(26:08):
I'm a very happy person and i'm unhappy because this happened this morning you
made me unhappy and i don't like that so i just i i that is how i got to live
that is the energy that i want to to put in the universe.
And I don't, anytime any negative thing infiltrates, it really goes all over my body.
(26:31):
Like I can feel it all over my body. So I just keep those things out.
And it has been great in my partnership because when we're very even keeled
people, but, and I don't really have, but every once in a while he'll have a
little moment, like this little irritated moment.
Like I had, I had my shoes on in the house the other day and
I tracked leaves in and he was was in a bad mood and he
(26:53):
was like you have your shoes on you truck leasing I was like and we're
gonna take them out and it's gonna be okay and
then it just quashed the moment because that just you know
because that's how yeah we deal with things we're not gonna make anything big
of it it's gonna be fine next like
you know well I have I have a whole new way of looking at things thinking I'm
(27:16):
very careful with negative people and I've had to set boundaries I just set
boundaries reason I've had to kind of step back from a couple of relationships
because like you said, I'm not going to tolerate.
Negative comments. I'm not going to tolerate raised voices or somebody shrieking at me.
I'm just not going to do it. I'm just not going to do it. I said to the group,
(27:38):
I'm going to call it the group that I was talking to the other day.
I said, do not spread untreats.
Do not be dramatic or promote drama.
Unless you're on stage. That is the only place that's... And I said,
because you know what it is?
Unattractive. Nobody wants to be around that energy. So why would you want to be that?
So stop. And to be honest, and I know that we were about to have to cut our
(28:02):
time short, but I just want to make, even if you have these long time friendships,
if they're toxic to you, time in is not an excuse to keep them.
No, you have got to cut those loose because there is a point in time,
just like with each one of our marriages, they played out.
Yeah. Well, everything has a time. They served their time and it was in.
(28:23):
What is it? You know, and it ended.
And there can be an end for everything. There's an expiration date.
There's an expiration date.
There's a ninth inning. There's an ending. There's an end to the game.
We're done. And it's okay for friendships to end.
It's okay for relationships to end. And it's okay to garner your own friendships
back to you. Sometimes it runs its course and it's all right because it served
(28:47):
its purpose at that time in your life. And that's just what makes up our lives.
Yes. And you don't have to hang on. You don't have to continue to pay someone
in friendship for kindnesses of the past.
That's true. That's a hard lesson to learn. It's a hard lesson to learn.
That just because they were kind to you in the past does not mean you have to
continue to pay them in friendship if their friendship has turned toxic to you.
(29:12):
All right, so let's wrap it up. So what are we doing this week or weekend to
live the life that you love, ladies?
So I'm trying not to obligate myself to anything tomorrow because I have so much going on.
So I'm trying just to be still. You're doing the best you can.
I am. But next weekend is my theater reunion.
And I'm just, I'm trying to buckle down because everyone I love.
(29:34):
You're going to have so much fun. I'm so excited for you. It's going to be, it's going to be so.
You're going to be a whole new Lauren. I know, I was, I was.
A whole new old Lauren. I told my class about it this morning.
I teach at a college, so I can say this.
I told my class about it. They said, oh, you're going to get wasted. And I said, maybe.
You're going to be the whole new old Lauren when you get back.
(29:55):
Yeah. So we're going to have a really good time. So what about you?
I'm going to a huge plant sale with a friend.
And I'm going to hang out. It's the first weekend of the Farmer's Market.
So y'all know the old lady gardener and me, collector of vegetables and cooking
me. It's going to be down there. It's in a new location.
So I'm going to try that. And the rest of the weekend, I'm doing absolutely
nothing. Maybe some stitching.
(30:17):
That's about it. Well, I have a conference to go to Sunday, Monday.
Not necessarily anything fabulously exciting. Some computer science stuff.
But my fun's already happened. And my sister's in.
She lives out of the country. And so she was in and she spent the night with me one night this week.
And we had a shopping day to look for a mother of the groom dress for me and
all of that. And it was just so fabulous to have her in my house and just have her for 24 hours.
(30:45):
Well, she's your constant. Yeah, she is. And she's like a part of me.
And so just to have her around was just so, just so wonderful.
So I've already had mine. Let's toast to old friends. Old friends.
Old friends. And to new friends. As girls. As girls. As girls.
Oh, wait. Did you just sing the girlfriend? The Girl Scout song?
(31:06):
No, it's. oh okay sorry I just thought you were talking about friendship some
friends are silver in the ice that one is.
How do we remember that I don't know,
(31:27):
apparently we were all a girl scout on my honor I will try to serve God in my
country to help people at all times I had to live by the girl's gal.
We are nerds. I said that was not set to song, so I don't remember it.
I remember the part set to song.
Oh, my honor, I will try to serve God in my country.
(31:48):
To help people of all times, I had to live by the girl's gal.
You'd be a very good Catholic. Yeah, you'd be great. I'm a cancer.
I can't do it. Yeah, yeah. All right.
Love y'all. Have a good week. Bye. Thank y'all for joining us for Champagne Sunday.
See you next week have a good week.
(32:10):
Music.
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