May 16, 2024 • 30 mins
In an enlightening episode, the hosts share an intimate conversation on battling for a positive body image post-divorce, sharing their personal experiences, and shedding light on the damaging impacts of hurtful comments and unrealistic expectations during their marriages. The discussion delves into how these negative comments can shatter confidence and self-esteem, resonating even post-divorce.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.
(00:29):
Hi, y'all. Hello.
We're trying to get a greeting today. We said, hello.
That wasn't even directed or speak. It wasn't. A lot of changing things up.
All right. So tonight we are going to talk about how do you,
(00:51):
how do we recover a healthy body image when the marriage that we left
behind left us sort of devastated and kind of traumatized. Not so confident.
Yeah, it kind of stripped us of our confidence with regard to our body image.
How do we recover that healthy body image that we had before that relationship happened?
(01:15):
Boy, if we could bottle this and sell it.
I think a lot of people, I think women struggle with the body image anyway because
of their culture but if you've been in a relationship where you have been made to feel that you,
weren't as pretty or weren't as thin or
(01:36):
weren't as ideal like you know my ex
had an affair and of course i was pregnant at 42
i gained the most weight with that
with that baby also so who does
he slept around with the beauty contestant girl yeah i mean there was i looked
at him and i said there's no competing with that i mean she was 10 years younger
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plus you know had lots of plastics i don't know i mean how do you even you know
i was walking around with baby's throat and.
Breastfeeding and my body was you know everything from the from birth it was
that squishy post-birth My ex, when we were going through our divorce, like...
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And we were still living together at the time. We got into a fight one night
and he said, I hope that because I had lost some weight at the time because
I've been a size six. I'm a size 20.
It just depends on what part of my life I'm in.
And usually I'm somewhere in the middle of that.
And he said, I hope this like this figure that you're working on works out for
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you because we got married and you got fat.
And I said, I had your baby. I had your baby.
Be so yeah okay and that
it's hard not to take and like
he he definitely like said
some other things throughout our marriage every once in a while it wasn't like
but that was the most like he had never said fat to me before and that like
(03:06):
I was just telling them like I'm pretty confident person I don't dislike my
body I'm a fan my body I think it's a sexy body and that it has done some of great things.
You and I have talked about this before, but when somebody says that to you,
that you're in an intimate relationship and that person is supposed to love
you so much, it's really hard not to take that into other things.
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So now I'm in a new relationship and I do think about that, even though my partner
now is very, he would never, I couldn't ever imagine him saying that to me,
but it's difficult to release the PTS.
It's a little bit of like, Like, oh, no, if I'm not skinny enough or,
like, attractive enough, this person won't love me. When really that's not true at all.
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If that person loves you, they're going to love you. It doesn't really matter.
And also, if that person loves you, they're going to help you.
They're going to go, I see this happening.
Can we work on this? You know, or how can I help you?
That's productive in a relationship. I think once that little, what would I call it?
The little grain of sand, you've let yourself go.
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You're gaining weight now or you don't look like so-and-so or whatever.
That little grain of sand is like the grain of sand in your bathing suit.
And it is going to rub and rub and rub until you're just like,
even if you try to ignore it, it's there. It's in the back of your brain.
I had a lot of body image problems. And that right there to me,
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I remember when one of the first comments my ex made to me. I'd had my third child.
No, I'd had my second child and I had postpartum and I was really struggling.
And he was like, this is not what I signed up for.
Oh. You know, and it's like, but that was like almost one of the first, oh, it's you against me.
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You know, it kind of put this huge divide between us where all of a sudden I
didn't feel like he was on my team.
Yeah. I didn't feel I felt like, oh, wait, I didn't I didn't realize there were
rules. I thought you just left me.
And so that, that kind of, that, that put this, this invisible wall between
us that we, you know, that if he never said anything else, he said a couple
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more things, but if he never said
anything else to me ever again in our marriage, I remember that moment.
It and yeah i would venture to say that women feel this
much more frequently than men because men men
gain weight and we don't go oh you gained weight like not typically yeah i don't
i don't remember even thinking that about my ex when i was with him or men lose
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our hair you know i don't and but it's expected for women to like always look
or to look the same to look No,
I don't even think it's the same. I think there's a standard out there for women.
You're supposed to look like the Victoria's Secret model, and you're supposed
to wear the clothes like that, and you're supposed to look like that.
You know, good day, bad day, when you first get up after you've worked a 10-hour
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shift, you're supposed to look like that all the time.
Well, like the 1950s wives who would get up and put their makeup on and get
back in the bed before their husband woke up. But, yeah.
Yeah. I struggle with, yeah, in the body image thing, I have felt like at times
I've struggled with, I don't feel like I should date until I'm exercise.
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Like I feel like, and what happens with me is that if I am happy,
I lose weight easier because I am a very emotional eater.
I think a lot of people are like that. And so what these guys are doing is perpetually
putting you in a cycle of emotional turmoil where you eat more.
It's not helping you in any way to say, hey, I noticed you gained 10 pounds or, you know.
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Well, how is your image of your body on this side of divorce better?
How is it more healthy? What are you doing to feed your mind to love yourself? self?
I try to remember because the thing about me is I'll try to diet or I'll do,
you know, I'll get on spurts of, you know, exercising here. And sometimes I
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really stick to it and it's great.
But then I have an event or I have, I mean, my life is like this.
So I just try to remember I can meet myself where I am every day and get to
somewhere else the next day.
Like that's the key is like not, you can't beat yourself up about it.
And I'm in a lot better, I feel a lot better physically than I have,
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than I did when I was married, a whole lot better physically.
And for my age, I'm a lot more capable than a lot of people my age that I know,
like I can do most things really well.
So I kind of think of it in terms of what my body can do, but then I also I
have some goals about what I want my body to look like. We talked about that today.
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But I let those be my goals. I don't really like, you know, I don't know. I don't really like.
I try not to let anyone else's opinion about that affect what I want to do with
my body, you know, anyway.
Well, we talked about that kind of pregame when we were walking about,
you know, I'm not happy with my body right now.
I'm the biggest ever ever been. I grew up, I was very athletic.
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I had the six pack abs, like I had guns, like I was very physically fit.
The last pregnancy at 42, having a section, that's all gone.
And it's it's a slow go
but come into terms with this body however i will say i think we talked about
it last time for my age i'm not on any medication yeah i don't have any big
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illnesses you know there's nothing really wrong wrong with me yeah so it's a
mental thing and i think you You know,
when you've been in a marriage situation or with a partner who is not supportive
of your body image and helping you with it, but kind of tearing you down,
it works on you. It really does.
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And I have to remind myself, look, you're a certain age.
You're really, you know, I still do all my stunts, you know.
And I was hanging from.
We should get serves that say that. Hanging from the big floral thing for prom,
you know, I still get up on ladders, I still paint, I still fix things.
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Really, I don't have anything to complain about. I am more overweight than I have been.
But I think because society as a whole kind of celebrates the super thin, super, like super thin.
Like y'all, I don't know. It's kind of unhealthy thin, some people.
But then I swing on the other side of it as a nurse thinking,
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well, if I do get sick, I can live off my fat for a while.
I won't die immediately. well i
just for me i'm like am i where i
necessarily want to be no have i been a
lot worse yes do i feel like i look good sure i look good i don't i don't think
i look bad well but there i do have goals and i'm kind of there i i am i i know
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i can lose weight i know that i would be hackier if i lost weight not necessarily
for any other reason that i could buy cuter clothes,
I kind of feel like a size or two smaller, the clothes get cuter.
The clothing thing is a bigger thing to me than anything.
Yeah. So it's not like I feel uncomfortable in my body. I think I can rock the clothes that I own.
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And when I don't feel like I'm in the size I want to be, I will invest in good
shoes. So I've got some cute shoes and things.
So all of that, to me, part of my motivation is I want to wear cuter clothing.
But it's not that I hate my body. I'm very thankful for my body because I am healthy.
I don't have any major health issues.
I birthed three beautiful babies.
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But, you know, all of those things. What sucks is that a man ever made any of
us feel bad about our bodies because I can tell you right now,
I don't think I've ever made a man feel bad about his. Ever.
Yeah. You know, I can't remember anything I said.
Eh, maybe one. Maybe one time. Oh, Beth, you're pretty.
Beth is guilty. Guilted. Beth is guilted. I have not ever said it to them,
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but boy, have I thought it. Like...
Why are you prancing around like a butthole? At the very end of things, I told my ex he was short.
He didn't know that? I just said, well, you're short. Well, how do you come back from your fad?
I said, well, I can lose weight unless you get some lifts.
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That's funny. Well, I think a lot of positive self-talk. You know,
when I try and look at my life and think, okay, what do I want to work on?
Losing weight is not necessarily at the top.
Working on my art is at the top. You know, spending time with my people and
making sure I'm making time for that, that's at the top.
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Losing weight and being healthy is at the top.
But losing weight is a part of that.
That it is not it is not what I'm most most if I look at my life that's not what is absolutely.
Most important to me but if it would love
for it I love I am working on it I would love for it to
happen but to me I try and focus on those things
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and I'm thankful that I can get
out of bed and walk on my own two feet every day and that yeah my
body is working and is healthy and my bigger
thing than being like super thin is like my mobility
and ability as long as i can have it that's yeah
that's what i want it's this really good physical fitness so
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yeah instead of losing weight i should really be working
on some like like stretching and yoga
and all of those yoga is really easy
you can do because balance like fall yeah
is a big deal as we get
older so that's why i like
taking that ballet class because you're strengthening and lightening
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when you're that would yes fine that's why
i feel awesome i'm not if i didn't teach dance in the fall and it was the first
time i haven't taught dance in a semester in 15 years and i felt wonky i was
like this is so strange not to be like stretching and right because you had
not saved Lived your body in those ways. In those ways, yeah. Yeah.
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Well, I would like to be more healthy.
But as I get healthy, I do get skinny. But I would like to say that there is
a psychological kind of component to this, too. If you feel bad about yourself...
You're less likely to exercise. But exercise is the best thing you can do because
it releases the endorphins. And you feel better about everything.
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And you want to eat better when you're exercising because it just makes you feel better.
Well, and I think that not, and okay, I think we also have to mention this.
You're not, or at least my energy level goes, if I'm consistently like.
If I walk three miles a day, or it's three is the like happy number.
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But if I walk three miles a day, my energy level is like through the roof and
my energy level is already high but I like yeah how much did your body image
improve when on the other side of divorce just almost immediately,
well and I did because I didn't have that little voice tipping at me every day
yeah and I don't know that mine necessarily improved in a way that I necessarily
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noticed except for that I was no
longer conscious that someone was possibly looking at me in this way.
I was no longer trying to hide and feeling guilty that I wasn't working towards
something that was somebody else's goal for me.
Well, and then on the other side of divorce, other people finding you attractive.
Yes. Like remind you that you're attractive. Yeah.
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Okay. Did anybody's ex tell them no one will want to date you? Cause mine. Yes.
Mine told me, mine told me when I was, I lost weight when we had filed for divorce.
He said that to you. I lost weight.
He told me that it was great that I had finally lost weight,
but I was too old to find anybody at this point. So good luck.
After the mediation, when I walked in the mediation, he goes, now you lost weight.
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Oh, my God. Oh, I can tell you love them.
Yeah. So just, so just cutting off that cancer. Yeah. Cutting off that negative.
But like, let's just, let's just stay out loud.
That's not an okay way for someone to speak to you.
It just isn't. If anybody is saying those things to you, you are in a toxic
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relationship audience and you need to address that because those are not healthy things.
Like somebody Somebody telling you as an adult human, giving you criticism about
what you need to do, especially when it's your body or your job.
That's not healthy if you're happy.
You know what I mean? Yes. If you're not happy in a healthy relationship,
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you work toward, you help that person. Like you say, are you okay?
What can I do? Right. But you don't come at them with a negative in a hurtful
way. Not in like a, you're not living up to this standard because then what
that makes that person do is doubly not live up to that standard because they're too scared of it.
Or you can be like me when I said, but my girlfriend does this.
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That made my Scottish Irish blood go. Well, then I'm doing the opposite.
I'm going to be the opposite. Yeah. Oh, I'm not going to do this then.
Well, I also think that for, what is it, for every negative comment you hear,
you have to have, what, three times, ten positive things said to you to overcome it.
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So if you, on the other side of divorce, we are our own cheerleaders.
So if you, and I know that it sounds silly, but if you look at yourself in the
mirror and tell yourself that you're beautiful, every single morning at some
point you will accidentally start believing it.
Because you'll be retraining your brain that you are beautiful and you'll start chipping away at that.
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At that negative that had been. So that's your new exercise.
That's your new exercise. Every single morning.
Every morning. So. I used to do stuff like that when I'd break up with a boyfriend in college.
I would put little marks on my mirror like, he did this. Remember when he said that?
Remember? So I would read it all the time and go, oh, yeah.
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Well, I still have a note in my wallet. And
I haven't had to look at it in months about the
last relationship I was in with all of the things all of
the things that were huge red flags that I chose to look away from you know
all of the things that were not nice that he said to me all of those things
have them listed and I haven't had to look at it in a long time but every once
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in a while I would have to pull it out and go oh that's right well that kind
of is what we talked about today too you know I have two.
Boys I'll call the boys that I was disappointed in how things worked out but
it's funny because Because each one of them, before the last time I saw them,
did this little prayer, like, show me if this is the right guy for me.
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Or let me see something that just completely tells me, no, none of it. That makes this easier.
Both instances, it was like an answer prayer. I'm not kidding you. It was a God thing.
And like one of them, just in the middle of this dinner, blurted out a sentence
that I was like, my head spun around like, did he?
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Just say that and every time I am curious about those two or look at their picture
or whatever I'm like reminded oh yeah oh yeah I asked for help I got help now
close the door but it's funny because you get those.
Little recurring things in your head, but you can retrain your,
(19:23):
yeah, you retrain. So when they come up, when that voice in your head pops back
up and says, you're fat, I can't, no one will want you, or this is not what I signed up for.
You're, you know, you're not worth me anymore is what that sounded like to me
is I can look in the mirror. I can think in my head. Nope.
I am beautiful. My body is fabulous. It serves me well.
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And it, and it, and this is, you know, what is it that we've talked about before
is that someone is competing with me.
If the person that wants to date me is going to have to treat me so well that
they're treating me better than I treat myself, which is pretty high standard.
So they're going to have to come at me with more than just, you know,
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they're really going to have to offer me something.
And so if I believe that I am beautiful and that I am taking care of myself
and I am doing those things,
then they're going to have to believe that and more and
then the other thing and i said this sort of already but nobody
gets to tell us about us no and nobody gets
to tell us what to do and that that's just or
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how to true or how to think about ourselves or how
to spend our time like that that is not something that
anybody has a right to do but you yes and
life is hard enough first of all yeah second of
about life is hard enough for women because there's so
much print out ad out there there's so
many visual advertising or just
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like movies and tv shows that say this is the ideal woman and hardly if you
look around hardly anybody makes that mark yeah i mean hardly anybody not in
real life no maybe in hollywood and well yeah you can have underneath the chef and a trainer Well.
But how can you be a foodie at that size?
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How can you eat the really fabulous food? No, you aren't.
That's my favorite part of Notting Hill. When she goes to the table and they're
trying to win the last brownie and they have to tell a side story.
And she said, I haven't eaten a whole meal in 20 years.
And they're like, oh, no, no. Try again, gorgeous.
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But she said she didn't eat, you know, so then she could be that.
That way but you know i am a foodie i like food
yeah so it's very hard for
me to even diet that's why i have to walk every day
because i have to do something to make up for that and then i think you know
the other rational side of my brain says life is too short to be on a diet all
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the time life is too short to try to get back into my size four pants you know
that i did before i had the second child late in life. I mean.
But it is also too short to eat the cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Because that'll hurt you in other ways. It depends on what you're talking about.
I could totally do that. I could totally allow myself to eat everything.
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I really think it's that moderation and temperance.
And if you're truly loving your body, you're not abusing it with food either.
That's true. You know? That's true.
I think you just have to decide what your priorities are and what you want to
be, like, or where you feel good. Yes.
Right now I'm looking at my goals, not at anybody else's. Because I was telling
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my boyfriend today, I was like, well, one of my friends took a Munjaro shot
and they lost 10 pounds since before.
And he said, well, do you want to do that? And I said, I don't know,
maybe. And he was like, well, it's your body.
You do what you want to do. And I was like, fuck, isn't that nice?
That's fabulous. I know.
(22:59):
That's gold. It is really supportive. That's nice. Yeah. But,
you know, we go back to your relationship with your partner is very much like best friends.
Yeah, yeah. And that is what you would prefer it to be, is you're in charge
of you, I am in charge of me, and we love cohabitating our in-charges-ness together. Yes.
(23:19):
Next tweet, Jen. No, it's game change.
I mean, like, it's very different from what I've, that is different from what I've ever had before.
But anyway. way so well and i think that
you know when you have someone supportive it's easier
to have a good body image of
yourself yeah it's easier to think of yourself
(23:41):
in a more positive way yeah because you're getting that positive feedback well
and i am so much more than my body yeah i want the person in love with me to
be in love with my soul my spirit my who i am i'd like for them to find me attractive,
of course, but I want that to be the least
(24:01):
of what makes them love me. Does that make sense?
So, you know, goals. I love the inside of me.
I may have to write down, you're a sexy beast on my mirror every once in a while.
You start doing, you know, you know how I'll know when that starts,
you know how I'll know when that starts working out for you is when you dance
(24:22):
to my house to go walk and every single time I see you.
I do, sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes you have it.
All right. Well, ladies, I think everyone is beautiful.
Everyone has a beautiful. It's beautiful. Whoever they are. In their own way.
(24:43):
What was that song? See, I'm just thinking Peace, Love, and Happiness now.
Because we're reading that book. That was in the 70s. Y'all were kind of 70s.
Y'all were too young for that song.
And everyone is beautiful in their own way.
Is that a real song? That's a real song. I didn't just make that up.
Big 70s. Who was it? It's not Tom Jones. It's somebody else.
(25:04):
I have no idea. Because Tom Jones, my favorite one is. Did they call it Sesame Street? Sex Bomb. No.
They may have. It's like a Sesame Street. It's not Sesame Street.
Hey, it could have been on Sesame Street.
It sounds like, you can make your own kind of music. It's that same period. It's like 1977.
Is it like Burt Backer? Maybe.
(25:28):
Ray Stevens? There you go. And in 2020, it was the 50th anniversary of that song. There you go.
I'm going to wrap it back up to say, don't
let anybody tell you about you you know
about you nobody else gets to tell you about you that's what
and if that's what it is to me and if you don't feel good
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about yourself right now then talk to yourself as
if you were the woman you want to be like lean into yes but you're in charge
of you are beautiful and nobody gets to tell you anything about you nobody gets
to tell you what you think nobody has to tell you what to do nobody gets to
tell you that your body is not Not what you want your body to be because you
get to decide that, ladies.
(26:12):
Because who are you in charge of? Yourself. Who are you in charge of being?
Yep. Love that. It's a great kindergarten lesson.
Our teacher selves are popping out. All right. Shall we clink?
Oh, wait. Should we set? Wait. What are you doing this week?
I'm turning in grades by tomorrow morning. Is that Joy? And then I'm done for the semester.
(26:34):
Oh, that's Joy. My semester is over. I just have graduation.
And then I get, and then I have to get.
Which is not fun, but I'm getting overweight. Well, that's healthy.
Why don't you take care of your health? Yes, I have to. That's great. That's good.
Well, I'm doing all teenager stuff, Dragon Boat.
Oh, yeah. We have Daiken is here, and they do a big Japanese festival,
(26:59):
Dragon Boat Festival out on our river.
It's great. Well, it's a fundraiser for Decatur.
Yes. Decatur Morgan. Sorry. I thought it was done.
But anyway, that'll be fun. It'll be a lot of activity.
And so that's what I'm doing. What are you doing, Bobby?
Well, my daughter's home. I'm so excited.
So the best thing that's going to happen this week is my little kid's,
(27:22):
gosh, I think he's 24. His 24th birthday is Thursday.
And my oldest also happens to be coming home for some concert on Wednesday.
So I'm going to have all three of my children come for his birthday.
And so I'm like, wow, I get everybody together in my house. I love it when that happens.
It's so rare. So I'm very excited about celebrating the 24th.
(27:45):
His, he was the best baby ever.
He totally buttered me up to have my daughter, who was not a good baby.
So, you know, but I just, I love it. I'm just so happy.
Yeah, because birthdays belong to moms, too. We did the birthing part. He did the whole part.
(28:06):
Mother's Day is Sunday. Oh, that's true. Yes, it is. And I'll only have my daughter
here for Mother's Day. This is so funny.
My mom lives next door to me, and they travel a lot, so they're not always home,
but we've had a lot going on.
And I saw her across the fence the other day and said, hey, do you want to do
anything for Mother's Day?
And she was like, no. no, we just had so much going on.
(28:30):
And I said, I hear you. Do you want to go to my son's dance recital with me?
And she said, sure, baby.
Did you such a good impression of your mama? Sure. Well, my mom and dad are
gone traveling, so they won't be home for Mother's Day. It'll just be me and my daughter.
It was just so funny that she was like, please, no.
Please, no, never be for Mother's Day.
(28:52):
Oh, that is so funny. uh sometimes but like it goes back to what we talked about
too is that like you get to decide you you know like everybody else doesn't get to decide you,
and we we function too much in that in our society
where other people's decisions weigh heavily on well and we on the decisions
(29:12):
that we make yeah yeah their opinions but i think there's we have so much more
control than i think we necessarily feel like about what we think even family
you do You do not have to do what they want you to do either.
And it took me a very long time to say, no, I'm not doing that.
But again, you have to recognize what is positive for you.
(29:37):
So we need everybody to do something this week to make them feel better about their body image.
And they need to tell themselves they're beautiful. Yeah, exactly. Every morning.
Okay. All right. Y'all have a great week. Ladies. Cheers.
My beautiful friends have a wonderful
week thank y'all for joining us for champagne sunday see you next week.
(30:02):
Music.
Music.
(00:29):
Hi, y'all. Hello.
We're trying to get a greeting today. We said, hello.
That wasn't even directed or speak. It wasn't. A lot of changing things up.
All right. So tonight we are going to talk about how do you,
(00:51):
how do we recover a healthy body image when the marriage that we left
behind left us sort of devastated and kind of traumatized. Not so confident.
Yeah, it kind of stripped us of our confidence with regard to our body image.
How do we recover that healthy body image that we had before that relationship happened?
(01:15):
Boy, if we could bottle this and sell it.
I think a lot of people, I think women struggle with the body image anyway because
of their culture but if you've been in a relationship where you have been made to feel that you,
weren't as pretty or weren't as thin or
(01:36):
weren't as ideal like you know my ex
had an affair and of course i was pregnant at 42
i gained the most weight with that
with that baby also so who does
he slept around with the beauty contestant girl yeah i mean there was i looked
at him and i said there's no competing with that i mean she was 10 years younger
(01:59):
plus you know had lots of plastics i don't know i mean how do you even you know
i was walking around with baby's throat and.
Breastfeeding and my body was you know everything from the from birth it was
that squishy post-birth My ex, when we were going through our divorce, like...
(02:20):
And we were still living together at the time. We got into a fight one night
and he said, I hope that because I had lost some weight at the time because
I've been a size six. I'm a size 20.
It just depends on what part of my life I'm in.
And usually I'm somewhere in the middle of that.
And he said, I hope this like this figure that you're working on works out for
(02:42):
you because we got married and you got fat.
And I said, I had your baby. I had your baby.
Be so yeah okay and that
it's hard not to take and like
he he definitely like said
some other things throughout our marriage every once in a while it wasn't like
but that was the most like he had never said fat to me before and that like
(03:06):
I was just telling them like I'm pretty confident person I don't dislike my
body I'm a fan my body I think it's a sexy body and that it has done some of great things.
You and I have talked about this before, but when somebody says that to you,
that you're in an intimate relationship and that person is supposed to love
you so much, it's really hard not to take that into other things.
(03:29):
So now I'm in a new relationship and I do think about that, even though my partner
now is very, he would never, I couldn't ever imagine him saying that to me,
but it's difficult to release the PTS.
It's a little bit of like, Like, oh, no, if I'm not skinny enough or,
like, attractive enough, this person won't love me. When really that's not true at all.
(03:49):
If that person loves you, they're going to love you. It doesn't really matter.
And also, if that person loves you, they're going to help you.
They're going to go, I see this happening.
Can we work on this? You know, or how can I help you?
That's productive in a relationship. I think once that little, what would I call it?
The little grain of sand, you've let yourself go.
(04:14):
You're gaining weight now or you don't look like so-and-so or whatever.
That little grain of sand is like the grain of sand in your bathing suit.
And it is going to rub and rub and rub until you're just like,
even if you try to ignore it, it's there. It's in the back of your brain.
I had a lot of body image problems. And that right there to me,
(04:34):
I remember when one of the first comments my ex made to me. I'd had my third child.
No, I'd had my second child and I had postpartum and I was really struggling.
And he was like, this is not what I signed up for.
Oh. You know, and it's like, but that was like almost one of the first, oh, it's you against me.
(04:58):
You know, it kind of put this huge divide between us where all of a sudden I
didn't feel like he was on my team.
Yeah. I didn't feel I felt like, oh, wait, I didn't I didn't realize there were
rules. I thought you just left me.
And so that, that kind of, that, that put this, this invisible wall between
us that we, you know, that if he never said anything else, he said a couple
(05:20):
more things, but if he never said
anything else to me ever again in our marriage, I remember that moment.
It and yeah i would venture to say that women feel this
much more frequently than men because men men
gain weight and we don't go oh you gained weight like not typically yeah i don't
i don't remember even thinking that about my ex when i was with him or men lose
(05:43):
our hair you know i don't and but it's expected for women to like always look
or to look the same to look No,
I don't even think it's the same. I think there's a standard out there for women.
You're supposed to look like the Victoria's Secret model, and you're supposed
to wear the clothes like that, and you're supposed to look like that.
You know, good day, bad day, when you first get up after you've worked a 10-hour
(06:06):
shift, you're supposed to look like that all the time.
Well, like the 1950s wives who would get up and put their makeup on and get
back in the bed before their husband woke up. But, yeah.
Yeah. I struggle with, yeah, in the body image thing, I have felt like at times
I've struggled with, I don't feel like I should date until I'm exercise.
(06:30):
Like I feel like, and what happens with me is that if I am happy,
I lose weight easier because I am a very emotional eater.
I think a lot of people are like that. And so what these guys are doing is perpetually
putting you in a cycle of emotional turmoil where you eat more.
It's not helping you in any way to say, hey, I noticed you gained 10 pounds or, you know.
(06:55):
Well, how is your image of your body on this side of divorce better?
How is it more healthy? What are you doing to feed your mind to love yourself? self?
I try to remember because the thing about me is I'll try to diet or I'll do,
you know, I'll get on spurts of, you know, exercising here. And sometimes I
(07:19):
really stick to it and it's great.
But then I have an event or I have, I mean, my life is like this.
So I just try to remember I can meet myself where I am every day and get to
somewhere else the next day.
Like that's the key is like not, you can't beat yourself up about it.
And I'm in a lot better, I feel a lot better physically than I have,
(07:40):
than I did when I was married, a whole lot better physically.
And for my age, I'm a lot more capable than a lot of people my age that I know,
like I can do most things really well.
So I kind of think of it in terms of what my body can do, but then I also I
have some goals about what I want my body to look like. We talked about that today.
(08:04):
But I let those be my goals. I don't really like, you know, I don't know. I don't really like.
I try not to let anyone else's opinion about that affect what I want to do with
my body, you know, anyway.
Well, we talked about that kind of pregame when we were walking about,
you know, I'm not happy with my body right now.
I'm the biggest ever ever been. I grew up, I was very athletic.
(08:28):
I had the six pack abs, like I had guns, like I was very physically fit.
The last pregnancy at 42, having a section, that's all gone.
And it's it's a slow go
but come into terms with this body however i will say i think we talked about
it last time for my age i'm not on any medication yeah i don't have any big
(08:52):
illnesses you know there's nothing really wrong wrong with me yeah so it's a
mental thing and i think you You know,
when you've been in a marriage situation or with a partner who is not supportive
of your body image and helping you with it, but kind of tearing you down,
it works on you. It really does.
(09:14):
And I have to remind myself, look, you're a certain age.
You're really, you know, I still do all my stunts, you know.
And I was hanging from.
We should get serves that say that. Hanging from the big floral thing for prom,
you know, I still get up on ladders, I still paint, I still fix things.
(09:37):
Really, I don't have anything to complain about. I am more overweight than I have been.
But I think because society as a whole kind of celebrates the super thin, super, like super thin.
Like y'all, I don't know. It's kind of unhealthy thin, some people.
But then I swing on the other side of it as a nurse thinking,
(10:00):
well, if I do get sick, I can live off my fat for a while.
I won't die immediately. well i
just for me i'm like am i where i
necessarily want to be no have i been a
lot worse yes do i feel like i look good sure i look good i don't i don't think
i look bad well but there i do have goals and i'm kind of there i i am i i know
(10:24):
i can lose weight i know that i would be hackier if i lost weight not necessarily
for any other reason that i could buy cuter clothes,
I kind of feel like a size or two smaller, the clothes get cuter.
The clothing thing is a bigger thing to me than anything.
Yeah. So it's not like I feel uncomfortable in my body. I think I can rock the clothes that I own.
(10:45):
And when I don't feel like I'm in the size I want to be, I will invest in good
shoes. So I've got some cute shoes and things.
So all of that, to me, part of my motivation is I want to wear cuter clothing.
But it's not that I hate my body. I'm very thankful for my body because I am healthy.
I don't have any major health issues.
I birthed three beautiful babies.
(11:08):
But, you know, all of those things. What sucks is that a man ever made any of
us feel bad about our bodies because I can tell you right now,
I don't think I've ever made a man feel bad about his. Ever.
Yeah. You know, I can't remember anything I said.
Eh, maybe one. Maybe one time. Oh, Beth, you're pretty.
Beth is guilty. Guilted. Beth is guilted. I have not ever said it to them,
(11:31):
but boy, have I thought it. Like...
Why are you prancing around like a butthole? At the very end of things, I told my ex he was short.
He didn't know that? I just said, well, you're short. Well, how do you come back from your fad?
I said, well, I can lose weight unless you get some lifts.
(11:56):
That's funny. Well, I think a lot of positive self-talk. You know,
when I try and look at my life and think, okay, what do I want to work on?
Losing weight is not necessarily at the top.
Working on my art is at the top. You know, spending time with my people and
making sure I'm making time for that, that's at the top.
(12:17):
Losing weight and being healthy is at the top.
But losing weight is a part of that.
That it is not it is not what I'm most most if I look at my life that's not what is absolutely.
Most important to me but if it would love
for it I love I am working on it I would love for it to
happen but to me I try and focus on those things
(12:40):
and I'm thankful that I can get
out of bed and walk on my own two feet every day and that yeah my
body is working and is healthy and my bigger
thing than being like super thin is like my mobility
and ability as long as i can have it that's yeah
that's what i want it's this really good physical fitness so
(13:00):
yeah instead of losing weight i should really be working
on some like like stretching and yoga
and all of those yoga is really easy
you can do because balance like fall yeah
is a big deal as we get
older so that's why i like
taking that ballet class because you're strengthening and lightening
(13:23):
when you're that would yes fine that's why
i feel awesome i'm not if i didn't teach dance in the fall and it was the first
time i haven't taught dance in a semester in 15 years and i felt wonky i was
like this is so strange not to be like stretching and right because you had
not saved Lived your body in those ways. In those ways, yeah. Yeah.
(13:45):
Well, I would like to be more healthy.
But as I get healthy, I do get skinny. But I would like to say that there is
a psychological kind of component to this, too. If you feel bad about yourself...
You're less likely to exercise. But exercise is the best thing you can do because
it releases the endorphins. And you feel better about everything.
(14:07):
And you want to eat better when you're exercising because it just makes you feel better.
Well, and I think that not, and okay, I think we also have to mention this.
You're not, or at least my energy level goes, if I'm consistently like.
If I walk three miles a day, or it's three is the like happy number.
(14:28):
But if I walk three miles a day, my energy level is like through the roof and
my energy level is already high but I like yeah how much did your body image
improve when on the other side of divorce just almost immediately,
well and I did because I didn't have that little voice tipping at me every day
yeah and I don't know that mine necessarily improved in a way that I necessarily
(14:51):
noticed except for that I was no
longer conscious that someone was possibly looking at me in this way.
I was no longer trying to hide and feeling guilty that I wasn't working towards
something that was somebody else's goal for me.
Well, and then on the other side of divorce, other people finding you attractive.
Yes. Like remind you that you're attractive. Yeah.
(15:13):
Okay. Did anybody's ex tell them no one will want to date you? Cause mine. Yes.
Mine told me, mine told me when I was, I lost weight when we had filed for divorce.
He said that to you. I lost weight.
He told me that it was great that I had finally lost weight,
but I was too old to find anybody at this point. So good luck.
After the mediation, when I walked in the mediation, he goes, now you lost weight.
(15:41):
Oh, my God. Oh, I can tell you love them.
Yeah. So just, so just cutting off that cancer. Yeah. Cutting off that negative.
But like, let's just, let's just stay out loud.
That's not an okay way for someone to speak to you.
It just isn't. If anybody is saying those things to you, you are in a toxic
(16:02):
relationship audience and you need to address that because those are not healthy things.
Like somebody Somebody telling you as an adult human, giving you criticism about
what you need to do, especially when it's your body or your job.
That's not healthy if you're happy.
You know what I mean? Yes. If you're not happy in a healthy relationship,
(16:25):
you work toward, you help that person. Like you say, are you okay?
What can I do? Right. But you don't come at them with a negative in a hurtful
way. Not in like a, you're not living up to this standard because then what
that makes that person do is doubly not live up to that standard because they're too scared of it.
Or you can be like me when I said, but my girlfriend does this.
(16:50):
That made my Scottish Irish blood go. Well, then I'm doing the opposite.
I'm going to be the opposite. Yeah. Oh, I'm not going to do this then.
Well, I also think that for, what is it, for every negative comment you hear,
you have to have, what, three times, ten positive things said to you to overcome it.
(17:11):
So if you, on the other side of divorce, we are our own cheerleaders.
So if you, and I know that it sounds silly, but if you look at yourself in the
mirror and tell yourself that you're beautiful, every single morning at some
point you will accidentally start believing it.
Because you'll be retraining your brain that you are beautiful and you'll start chipping away at that.
(17:33):
At that negative that had been. So that's your new exercise.
That's your new exercise. Every single morning.
Every morning. So. I used to do stuff like that when I'd break up with a boyfriend in college.
I would put little marks on my mirror like, he did this. Remember when he said that?
Remember? So I would read it all the time and go, oh, yeah.
(17:56):
Well, I still have a note in my wallet. And
I haven't had to look at it in months about the
last relationship I was in with all of the things all of
the things that were huge red flags that I chose to look away from you know
all of the things that were not nice that he said to me all of those things
have them listed and I haven't had to look at it in a long time but every once
(18:16):
in a while I would have to pull it out and go oh that's right well that kind
of is what we talked about today too you know I have two.
Boys I'll call the boys that I was disappointed in how things worked out but
it's funny because Because each one of them, before the last time I saw them,
did this little prayer, like, show me if this is the right guy for me.
(18:40):
Or let me see something that just completely tells me, no, none of it. That makes this easier.
Both instances, it was like an answer prayer. I'm not kidding you. It was a God thing.
And like one of them, just in the middle of this dinner, blurted out a sentence
that I was like, my head spun around like, did he?
(19:02):
Just say that and every time I am curious about those two or look at their picture
or whatever I'm like reminded oh yeah oh yeah I asked for help I got help now
close the door but it's funny because you get those.
Little recurring things in your head, but you can retrain your,
(19:23):
yeah, you retrain. So when they come up, when that voice in your head pops back
up and says, you're fat, I can't, no one will want you, or this is not what I signed up for.
You're, you know, you're not worth me anymore is what that sounded like to me
is I can look in the mirror. I can think in my head. Nope.
I am beautiful. My body is fabulous. It serves me well.
(19:45):
And it, and it, and this is, you know, what is it that we've talked about before
is that someone is competing with me.
If the person that wants to date me is going to have to treat me so well that
they're treating me better than I treat myself, which is pretty high standard.
So they're going to have to come at me with more than just, you know,
(20:07):
they're really going to have to offer me something.
And so if I believe that I am beautiful and that I am taking care of myself
and I am doing those things,
then they're going to have to believe that and more and
then the other thing and i said this sort of already but nobody
gets to tell us about us no and nobody gets
to tell us what to do and that that's just or
(20:29):
how to true or how to think about ourselves or how
to spend our time like that that is not something that
anybody has a right to do but you yes and
life is hard enough first of all yeah second of
about life is hard enough for women because there's so
much print out ad out there there's so
many visual advertising or just
(20:50):
like movies and tv shows that say this is the ideal woman and hardly if you
look around hardly anybody makes that mark yeah i mean hardly anybody not in
real life no maybe in hollywood and well yeah you can have underneath the chef and a trainer Well.
But how can you be a foodie at that size?
(21:11):
How can you eat the really fabulous food? No, you aren't.
That's my favorite part of Notting Hill. When she goes to the table and they're
trying to win the last brownie and they have to tell a side story.
And she said, I haven't eaten a whole meal in 20 years.
And they're like, oh, no, no. Try again, gorgeous.
(21:32):
But she said she didn't eat, you know, so then she could be that.
That way but you know i am a foodie i like food
yeah so it's very hard for
me to even diet that's why i have to walk every day
because i have to do something to make up for that and then i think you know
the other rational side of my brain says life is too short to be on a diet all
(21:53):
the time life is too short to try to get back into my size four pants you know
that i did before i had the second child late in life. I mean.
But it is also too short to eat the cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Because that'll hurt you in other ways. It depends on what you're talking about.
I could totally do that. I could totally allow myself to eat everything.
(22:15):
I really think it's that moderation and temperance.
And if you're truly loving your body, you're not abusing it with food either.
That's true. You know? That's true.
I think you just have to decide what your priorities are and what you want to
be, like, or where you feel good. Yes.
Right now I'm looking at my goals, not at anybody else's. Because I was telling
(22:38):
my boyfriend today, I was like, well, one of my friends took a Munjaro shot
and they lost 10 pounds since before.
And he said, well, do you want to do that? And I said, I don't know,
maybe. And he was like, well, it's your body.
You do what you want to do. And I was like, fuck, isn't that nice?
That's fabulous. I know.
(22:59):
That's gold. It is really supportive. That's nice. Yeah. But,
you know, we go back to your relationship with your partner is very much like best friends.
Yeah, yeah. And that is what you would prefer it to be, is you're in charge
of you, I am in charge of me, and we love cohabitating our in-charges-ness together. Yes.
(23:19):
Next tweet, Jen. No, it's game change.
I mean, like, it's very different from what I've, that is different from what I've ever had before.
But anyway. way so well and i think that
you know when you have someone supportive it's easier
to have a good body image of
yourself yeah it's easier to think of yourself
(23:41):
in a more positive way yeah because you're getting that positive feedback well
and i am so much more than my body yeah i want the person in love with me to
be in love with my soul my spirit my who i am i'd like for them to find me attractive,
of course, but I want that to be the least
(24:01):
of what makes them love me. Does that make sense?
So, you know, goals. I love the inside of me.
I may have to write down, you're a sexy beast on my mirror every once in a while.
You start doing, you know, you know how I'll know when that starts,
you know how I'll know when that starts working out for you is when you dance
(24:22):
to my house to go walk and every single time I see you.
I do, sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes you have it.
All right. Well, ladies, I think everyone is beautiful.
Everyone has a beautiful. It's beautiful. Whoever they are. In their own way.
(24:43):
What was that song? See, I'm just thinking Peace, Love, and Happiness now.
Because we're reading that book. That was in the 70s. Y'all were kind of 70s.
Y'all were too young for that song.
And everyone is beautiful in their own way.
Is that a real song? That's a real song. I didn't just make that up.
Big 70s. Who was it? It's not Tom Jones. It's somebody else.
(25:04):
I have no idea. Because Tom Jones, my favorite one is. Did they call it Sesame Street? Sex Bomb. No.
They may have. It's like a Sesame Street. It's not Sesame Street.
Hey, it could have been on Sesame Street.
It sounds like, you can make your own kind of music. It's that same period. It's like 1977.
Is it like Burt Backer? Maybe.
(25:28):
Ray Stevens? There you go. And in 2020, it was the 50th anniversary of that song. There you go.
I'm going to wrap it back up to say, don't
let anybody tell you about you you know
about you nobody else gets to tell you about you that's what
and if that's what it is to me and if you don't feel good
(25:50):
about yourself right now then talk to yourself as
if you were the woman you want to be like lean into yes but you're in charge
of you are beautiful and nobody gets to tell you anything about you nobody gets
to tell you what you think nobody has to tell you what to do nobody gets to
tell you that your body is not Not what you want your body to be because you
get to decide that, ladies.
(26:12):
Because who are you in charge of? Yourself. Who are you in charge of being?
Yep. Love that. It's a great kindergarten lesson.
Our teacher selves are popping out. All right. Shall we clink?
Oh, wait. Should we set? Wait. What are you doing this week?
I'm turning in grades by tomorrow morning. Is that Joy? And then I'm done for the semester.
(26:34):
Oh, that's Joy. My semester is over. I just have graduation.
And then I get, and then I have to get.
Which is not fun, but I'm getting overweight. Well, that's healthy.
Why don't you take care of your health? Yes, I have to. That's great. That's good.
Well, I'm doing all teenager stuff, Dragon Boat.
Oh, yeah. We have Daiken is here, and they do a big Japanese festival,
(26:59):
Dragon Boat Festival out on our river.
It's great. Well, it's a fundraiser for Decatur.
Yes. Decatur Morgan. Sorry. I thought it was done.
But anyway, that'll be fun. It'll be a lot of activity.
And so that's what I'm doing. What are you doing, Bobby?
Well, my daughter's home. I'm so excited.
So the best thing that's going to happen this week is my little kid's,
(27:22):
gosh, I think he's 24. His 24th birthday is Thursday.
And my oldest also happens to be coming home for some concert on Wednesday.
So I'm going to have all three of my children come for his birthday.
And so I'm like, wow, I get everybody together in my house. I love it when that happens.
It's so rare. So I'm very excited about celebrating the 24th.
(27:45):
His, he was the best baby ever.
He totally buttered me up to have my daughter, who was not a good baby.
So, you know, but I just, I love it. I'm just so happy.
Yeah, because birthdays belong to moms, too. We did the birthing part. He did the whole part.
(28:06):
Mother's Day is Sunday. Oh, that's true. Yes, it is. And I'll only have my daughter
here for Mother's Day. This is so funny.
My mom lives next door to me, and they travel a lot, so they're not always home,
but we've had a lot going on.
And I saw her across the fence the other day and said, hey, do you want to do
anything for Mother's Day?
And she was like, no. no, we just had so much going on.
(28:30):
And I said, I hear you. Do you want to go to my son's dance recital with me?
And she said, sure, baby.
Did you such a good impression of your mama? Sure. Well, my mom and dad are
gone traveling, so they won't be home for Mother's Day. It'll just be me and my daughter.
It was just so funny that she was like, please, no.
Please, no, never be for Mother's Day.
(28:52):
Oh, that is so funny. uh sometimes but like it goes back to what we talked about
too is that like you get to decide you you know like everybody else doesn't get to decide you,
and we we function too much in that in our society
where other people's decisions weigh heavily on well and we on the decisions
(29:12):
that we make yeah yeah their opinions but i think there's we have so much more
control than i think we necessarily feel like about what we think even family
you do You do not have to do what they want you to do either.
And it took me a very long time to say, no, I'm not doing that.
But again, you have to recognize what is positive for you.
(29:37):
So we need everybody to do something this week to make them feel better about their body image.
And they need to tell themselves they're beautiful. Yeah, exactly. Every morning.
Okay. All right. Y'all have a great week. Ladies. Cheers.
My beautiful friends have a wonderful
week thank y'all for joining us for champagne sunday see you next week.
(30:02):
Music.
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