January 25, 2024 • 15 mins
This video will provide you with unique insights and practical techniques to improve the quality of difficult conversations with your spouse. These techniques are not suggested as a long-term solution to marital issues but can help in the short term. This video explains how a change in your expression and attitude can make a significant difference in conversations with your wife, particularly when dealing with difficult topics. Furthermore, you'll learn tips and tricks to repeat back what your wife says accurately, understand her emotions, and respond correctly. You'll also discover ancillary techniques such as slowing down your breathing and talking and lowering your tone during difficult conversations.Please keep in mind that using these techniques does not signify a real transformation in your attitude towards managing marital issues but can help alleviate tension during tough conversations. Employ these hacks with discretion, and don't merely rely on them as a solution for all marital issues. For a deeper understanding of marital issues and their resolutions, explore our masterclass programs at www.realmanrevolution.com. This video aims to help you keep 'Your Face in the Right Place' during difficult conversations with your wife, guiding you towards a path to better communication and, consequently, a happier married life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey brother, today I've got some amazing tips for how to get through the difficult
conversations with your wife. Now, I want to be very clear.
What I'm going to give you in this video are tips and tricks and techniques and hacks.
This is not how to save your marriage long term.
These things will work until they don't, because when your wife figures out
(00:22):
that they are not real transformations, they're going to stop working. working.
Ultimately, you need to deeply transform so that what I'm about to teach you
is coming from the real you.
It's not coming from tips. It's not coming from hacks.
It's not coming from techniques or tricks.
But in the short term, here you are, and you're in a difficult conversation with your wife.
(00:46):
How can you ensure that that conversation goes better?
So technique number one, and this is going going to be the most complex of these
techniques, but stay with me.
What I want to do is I want to tell you a story for how I discovered it.
The way that I discovered it is I was headed to watch one of our children at
football practice, and I had been at work, and my wife had actually taken our
(01:11):
son to football practice.
So I got out of my truck, I got into the passenger seat of her car,
and I proceeded to watch the practice.
Well, the practice went on for so long and took for so long that I finally just
put my seed back and I laid back and I began to doze.
And as I began to doze, I started thinking about all of the amazing moments
(01:33):
that I had had with my son, all of the beautiful and wonderful things that are
associated with being a parent.
And then I heard something, things. So I opened my eyes.
And when I opened my eyes, I was looking in the side view mirror on the passenger side.
And the face that I saw looking back in the mirror was looking at me with so
(01:55):
much love, with so much kindness, with so much compassion, with so much gentleness.
And I understood instantly for the first time ever what it was when my wife
said that she was not happy with the way that I looked at her.
See, and I'm sure that you guys have been there. Probably every man watching
this video, either she says that you've got an angry look or you've got a mean
(02:19):
look or you've got an indifferent look, but you don't have the look that she wants.
The look that she wants is the face that I saw staring back to me in that side view mirror.
It was like it's almost impossible to
look at somebody who is looking at you like that and not feel the kindness and
the compassion and the caring and the love and the seeing the best in and given
(02:43):
the benefit of the doubt and the ability to forgive and all of these things
that we teach you how to do for real inside the program.
All of these things were being staring right back to me in the side view mirror.
And so as I began to think about this and I began to research it and to develop
a way where I could help men to use this,
(03:04):
what I did is I found out that there's actually four things that we can hold
in our conscious mind at the same time simultaneously.
And I figured out that the reason why I had that look on my face was this deep,
deep love and happiness and joy and bliss about being a father.
And so if we can get that feeling inside our body.
(03:29):
Our face is going to register it. This goes back to one of the wives of one
of the men who was in our program years ago, one of the most articulate writers I've ever read.
And she wrote him a letter about what it feels like to be a wife in an unhappy
marriage and then gave us permission to share that inside the program.
But one of the things in there is she said, your felt emotions emotions as expressed
(03:53):
on the outside of your body have a huge impact on me.
They make me feel feelings.
And so we're going to use that to our advantage.
What we're going to do is the next time that you get into a very difficult conversation
with your wife, or you know you've got a difficult conversation coming up,
what I want you to do is I want you to be prepared.
(04:17):
So this is not something thing you do in the heat of the moment of the conversation.
This is something that you practice beforehand.
But what I want you to do is I want you to imagine four boxes in your brain.
And in the upper left-hand corner, what I want you to do is I want you to find
and pull up and then make as real as possible your most precious memory of your child or children.
(04:44):
And if you don't have children, children, whatever your most precious memory is.
Maybe it's a parent or a sibling, or maybe how you felt about your wife when you first met her.
But whatever it is, I want you to pull up that memory, and I want you to now dig into it.
Try to remember, what were they wearing?
What were they doing? What did the sound of their laugh sound like?
(05:06):
What did they smell like?
What was the general feeling?
And as you do this, what you can do is you can strengthen that memory.
And the more you strengthen that memory, the stronger it becomes.
So this is going to become a tool for an emergency situation.
And you know you need to be looking at your wife with love and adoration in
(05:27):
a way where she feels cared for and she feels held and she feels safe and protected.
And so by pulling up this memory, what you're going to do is you're going to
get that look on your face automatically.
And this is going to dramatically change the way that you have conversations with her.
Now, the second box is going to be filled with gratitude.
(05:50):
And so what I want you to do is I want you to think about all the reasons why
you're grateful for your wife.
Inside our program, we have deep and extensive tools to document this stuff
and to help you to pull it up.
But outside of the program, what you're going to do is you're just going to
have to think about all the reasons why you're grateful for her.
But brother, I'll tell you, if you are not tearing up in that exercise,
(06:12):
you are not doing it deeply or sufficiently enough. enough because when you
have that level of gratitude for her, you're going to have similar looks on your face.
So now we're going to take two of your four resources of the things that you
can hold in your subconscious mind,
and you're going to put those to work in a way that is going to dramatically
change the way that you look at and respond to your wife and dramatically change
(06:37):
the energy that you are pushing into that interaction.
Look, the guys who come into my program, it's one one of the first things that I teach them.
It's the energy that you push into the interaction is 59 60th of that interaction.
So make sure the energy that you push in is happy and joyful and loving and
kind and compassionate and warm and patient and forgiving.
(06:59):
Because if you're pushing that energy in, and this is showing up on your face,
it's showing up in the smell of your sweat. It's showing up in your heartbeat.
It's showing up in the micro expressions, the tiny eye movements,
the body language, all of these things.
There's this aura of energy that you are pushing into her and it's going to
be kind and it's going to be on point.
(07:21):
This is going to dramatically change these conversations for you.
Now, the next two boxes, what we're going to do is in the bottom left-hand box,
we're going to be listening to her words.
And it's very important that you do not get get lost in the thoughts of your
child and you do not get lost in the thoughts of gratitude.
(07:42):
You're just holding on to those like touchstones while you're having this conversation.
But as you're having this conversation, you are listening to the words that
she is saying. Now, why is that important?
Because she may ask you to repeat it back. She may say something like,
are you hearing me? What did you hear me say? Okay.
(08:02):
And if you're like, I don't know, then it's going to be lost.
Yeah, man, you're giving her the look that she needs.
That's the internal game, man. We talk about this concept of ascending your
internal king, ascending your inner king.
Having this internal game and
giving her that energy and giving her that look, that's very important.
But you've also got to ascend your outer king. You've got to say and do the
(08:26):
right things on the outside.
And the first thing I'm going to teach you that you need to say and do is be
able to to repeat back to her what she said to you because she needs to know
that she is being heard and that you are listening.
Now, but here's the thing, and this is where men get tripped up.
Where men get tripped up is that they have this idea that everything she says
(08:46):
is gospel truth and it's just going to be taken at face value.
Look, man, that's not the way that women communicate. The way that women communicate
is how they're feeling in the moment.
They will tell you what those actions would be in that moment.
So if she's deeply disappointed and deeply hurt and furious with you,
(09:07):
and she tells you, we're never going to have sex again.
We're never going to sleep in the same bed again. We're never going to sleep
under the same roof again.
What you've got to understand is number one, be able to hear that and repeat it back to her.
But number two, you've got to understand that in the mind of the woman,
all that's doing is is conveying the feelings that she is feeling in that moment.
(09:31):
Look, man, if you and I bump into each other and you tell me you're going to
punch me in the face, I'm going into a defensive posture because I know it's coming.
If a man tells you something, then it's coming. But see, with a woman, it's different.
She's going to express her emotion. And what she needs to see is that you're
reacting to the emotion properly, and then she will feel different emotions
(09:53):
and she will express different plans for the future.
So in that bottom right-hand box, this is going to be the most active box.
What I want you to be doing in that box is trying to interpret,
okay, she said that very hurtful, horrible thing.
What must she be feeling in order to say or express or do that hurtful thing?
(10:16):
Because that's what you need to address. And, you know, I could turn this into
an 80 hour training and we don't have time for that in this video.
But what I can tell you is this.
If you will remember that precious child memory, if you will figure out why
you're grateful for her and memorize the feeling associated with it.
If you will listen to the words she's saying and keep them in mind so that you can repeat them back.
(10:41):
But simultaneously be trying to figure out that why she would do that, how she's feeling,
what emotion she has, and not necessarily telling her, Eureka,
you're saying that because you're hurt. That's going to get you in a bad place.
But if you believe she may be hurt, what you can do is say, I understand that
(11:03):
I may have hurt you, or I understand that I have hurt you.
And you can can take it from there. And again, man, this goes on for hours and
hours and hours for how to actually have these conversations.
And that's not the point of this
video. The point of this video is to get your face in the right place.
Get your face in the right place. I might even make that the title of this video,
(11:25):
because if your face is in the right place by the counsel of Bob Gerace,
if your face is in the right place by the counsel of Bob Gerace,
then I need something that rhymes with Ace, then she's going to stay in your place.
If your face is in the right place by the counsel, if your face is in the right
place by the coaching, if your face is in the right place from the coaching
(11:47):
of Bob Gerace, then she's going to stay at your place. There we go.
So get your face in the right place, brother.
Now moving on to hack number two.
What I want to tell you is that when you have conversations with your wife and
they are difficult conversations, what you need to do is you need to consciously
(12:07):
slow your breathing down.
You need to consciously slow your talking down.
You need to consciously lower your tone just a little bit, not by putting bass
in your voice, but more like just lowering your tone.
Because what that's going to do is it's going to defuse the situation and it's
(12:27):
going to make her feel safer.
These are just the very beginning elements of what we call compassionate communication.
And if you have compassionate communication, what you're going to find is that
they don't escalate, or they don't escalate nearly as quickly,
or they don't escalate nearly as high.
Now, when you combine this compassionate communication, and again,
(12:50):
we could go on for 80 hours, if you combine this compassionate communication
with getting your face in the right place,
what you're going to find is that you're You're doing so well on your inner
game, and you're doing so well on your outer game that you can not only defuse these situations,
but you can recapture permission.
See, what this is about, and I teach it all the time, like you've got to communicate
(13:13):
the right nonverbal messages.
You've got to communicate the right verbal and action-based messages.
And when you communicate the proper messages, what you do is you recapture permission.
Permission to do what? Permission to have influence over her.
If she shuts down or she doesn't want to talk or she shuts herself in the bedroom
(13:37):
or she buries her face in her phone or she puts her hand in your face,
you have lost permission to have influence over her.
So what we need to do is we need to recapture that permission by communicating proper messages.
When we communicate proper messages, we recapture permission.
Now we have influence and that's where we can go into actually addressing the
(13:58):
issues that are at hand and the longstanding wounds that are inside of your marriage.
So that's two tips for you, brother. Two tips to immediately change the way
that your communications are going with your wife.
Now, look, like I said at the beginning of this video, if this is all you do,
you're going to see positive momentum in your marriage, and then it's going to fall flat on his face.
(14:26):
Because what she's going to figure out is that you have not transformed.
You have just learned some hacks.
But the real you, the guy who's inside, she'll be able to bring him out.
You won't be able to keep this up.
She'll be able to put, and she will, brother. She will poke holes.
She will test. She will push. She will prod.
She wants to know that this guy is real.
(14:47):
So if she pushes and she prods and you break, rake, what's going to happen is
now it's going to be even harder for you to make progress with her.
It's going to be even harder to move forward in a positive direction.
So use these hacks, but use them with caution.
And don't think that's all you have to do, because if this is all you do,
I promise you, you're going to be on my calendar talking about how do we save
(15:11):
your marriage in eight weeks or less.
For anybody who wants to be on
that calendar to learn how to save their marriage in eight weeks or less,
then either click one of the links for the masterclass in the comments below,
or go to www.realmanrevolution.com, www.realmanrevolution.com,
(15:32):
and I'll see you on the other side.
Hey brother, today I've got some amazing tips for how to get through the difficult
conversations with your wife. Now, I want to be very clear.
What I'm going to give you in this video are tips and tricks and techniques and hacks.
This is not how to save your marriage long term.
These things will work until they don't, because when your wife figures out
(00:22):
that they are not real transformations, they're going to stop working. working.
Ultimately, you need to deeply transform so that what I'm about to teach you
is coming from the real you.
It's not coming from tips. It's not coming from hacks.
It's not coming from techniques or tricks.
But in the short term, here you are, and you're in a difficult conversation with your wife.
(00:46):
How can you ensure that that conversation goes better?
So technique number one, and this is going going to be the most complex of these
techniques, but stay with me.
What I want to do is I want to tell you a story for how I discovered it.
The way that I discovered it is I was headed to watch one of our children at
football practice, and I had been at work, and my wife had actually taken our
(01:11):
son to football practice.
So I got out of my truck, I got into the passenger seat of her car,
and I proceeded to watch the practice.
Well, the practice went on for so long and took for so long that I finally just
put my seed back and I laid back and I began to doze.
And as I began to doze, I started thinking about all of the amazing moments
(01:33):
that I had had with my son, all of the beautiful and wonderful things that are
associated with being a parent.
And then I heard something, things. So I opened my eyes.
And when I opened my eyes, I was looking in the side view mirror on the passenger side.
And the face that I saw looking back in the mirror was looking at me with so
(01:55):
much love, with so much kindness, with so much compassion, with so much gentleness.
And I understood instantly for the first time ever what it was when my wife
said that she was not happy with the way that I looked at her.
See, and I'm sure that you guys have been there. Probably every man watching
this video, either she says that you've got an angry look or you've got a mean
(02:19):
look or you've got an indifferent look, but you don't have the look that she wants.
The look that she wants is the face that I saw staring back to me in that side view mirror.
It was like it's almost impossible to
look at somebody who is looking at you like that and not feel the kindness and
the compassion and the caring and the love and the seeing the best in and given
(02:43):
the benefit of the doubt and the ability to forgive and all of these things
that we teach you how to do for real inside the program.
All of these things were being staring right back to me in the side view mirror.
And so as I began to think about this and I began to research it and to develop
a way where I could help men to use this,
(03:04):
what I did is I found out that there's actually four things that we can hold
in our conscious mind at the same time simultaneously.
And I figured out that the reason why I had that look on my face was this deep,
deep love and happiness and joy and bliss about being a father.
And so if we can get that feeling inside our body.
(03:29):
Our face is going to register it. This goes back to one of the wives of one
of the men who was in our program years ago, one of the most articulate writers I've ever read.
And she wrote him a letter about what it feels like to be a wife in an unhappy
marriage and then gave us permission to share that inside the program.
But one of the things in there is she said, your felt emotions emotions as expressed
(03:53):
on the outside of your body have a huge impact on me.
They make me feel feelings.
And so we're going to use that to our advantage.
What we're going to do is the next time that you get into a very difficult conversation
with your wife, or you know you've got a difficult conversation coming up,
what I want you to do is I want you to be prepared.
(04:17):
So this is not something thing you do in the heat of the moment of the conversation.
This is something that you practice beforehand.
But what I want you to do is I want you to imagine four boxes in your brain.
And in the upper left-hand corner, what I want you to do is I want you to find
and pull up and then make as real as possible your most precious memory of your child or children.
(04:44):
And if you don't have children, children, whatever your most precious memory is.
Maybe it's a parent or a sibling, or maybe how you felt about your wife when you first met her.
But whatever it is, I want you to pull up that memory, and I want you to now dig into it.
Try to remember, what were they wearing?
What were they doing? What did the sound of their laugh sound like?
(05:06):
What did they smell like?
What was the general feeling?
And as you do this, what you can do is you can strengthen that memory.
And the more you strengthen that memory, the stronger it becomes.
So this is going to become a tool for an emergency situation.
And you know you need to be looking at your wife with love and adoration in
(05:27):
a way where she feels cared for and she feels held and she feels safe and protected.
And so by pulling up this memory, what you're going to do is you're going to
get that look on your face automatically.
And this is going to dramatically change the way that you have conversations with her.
Now, the second box is going to be filled with gratitude.
(05:50):
And so what I want you to do is I want you to think about all the reasons why
you're grateful for your wife.
Inside our program, we have deep and extensive tools to document this stuff
and to help you to pull it up.
But outside of the program, what you're going to do is you're just going to
have to think about all the reasons why you're grateful for her.
But brother, I'll tell you, if you are not tearing up in that exercise,
(06:12):
you are not doing it deeply or sufficiently enough. enough because when you
have that level of gratitude for her, you're going to have similar looks on your face.
So now we're going to take two of your four resources of the things that you
can hold in your subconscious mind,
and you're going to put those to work in a way that is going to dramatically
change the way that you look at and respond to your wife and dramatically change
(06:37):
the energy that you are pushing into that interaction.
Look, the guys who come into my program, it's one one of the first things that I teach them.
It's the energy that you push into the interaction is 59 60th of that interaction.
So make sure the energy that you push in is happy and joyful and loving and
kind and compassionate and warm and patient and forgiving.
(06:59):
Because if you're pushing that energy in, and this is showing up on your face,
it's showing up in the smell of your sweat. It's showing up in your heartbeat.
It's showing up in the micro expressions, the tiny eye movements,
the body language, all of these things.
There's this aura of energy that you are pushing into her and it's going to
be kind and it's going to be on point.
(07:21):
This is going to dramatically change these conversations for you.
Now, the next two boxes, what we're going to do is in the bottom left-hand box,
we're going to be listening to her words.
And it's very important that you do not get get lost in the thoughts of your
child and you do not get lost in the thoughts of gratitude.
(07:42):
You're just holding on to those like touchstones while you're having this conversation.
But as you're having this conversation, you are listening to the words that
she is saying. Now, why is that important?
Because she may ask you to repeat it back. She may say something like,
are you hearing me? What did you hear me say? Okay.
(08:02):
And if you're like, I don't know, then it's going to be lost.
Yeah, man, you're giving her the look that she needs.
That's the internal game, man. We talk about this concept of ascending your
internal king, ascending your inner king.
Having this internal game and
giving her that energy and giving her that look, that's very important.
But you've also got to ascend your outer king. You've got to say and do the
(08:26):
right things on the outside.
And the first thing I'm going to teach you that you need to say and do is be
able to to repeat back to her what she said to you because she needs to know
that she is being heard and that you are listening.
Now, but here's the thing, and this is where men get tripped up.
Where men get tripped up is that they have this idea that everything she says
(08:46):
is gospel truth and it's just going to be taken at face value.
Look, man, that's not the way that women communicate. The way that women communicate
is how they're feeling in the moment.
They will tell you what those actions would be in that moment.
So if she's deeply disappointed and deeply hurt and furious with you,
(09:07):
and she tells you, we're never going to have sex again.
We're never going to sleep in the same bed again. We're never going to sleep
under the same roof again.
What you've got to understand is number one, be able to hear that and repeat it back to her.
But number two, you've got to understand that in the mind of the woman,
all that's doing is is conveying the feelings that she is feeling in that moment.
(09:31):
Look, man, if you and I bump into each other and you tell me you're going to
punch me in the face, I'm going into a defensive posture because I know it's coming.
If a man tells you something, then it's coming. But see, with a woman, it's different.
She's going to express her emotion. And what she needs to see is that you're
reacting to the emotion properly, and then she will feel different emotions
(09:53):
and she will express different plans for the future.
So in that bottom right-hand box, this is going to be the most active box.
What I want you to be doing in that box is trying to interpret,
okay, she said that very hurtful, horrible thing.
What must she be feeling in order to say or express or do that hurtful thing?
(10:16):
Because that's what you need to address. And, you know, I could turn this into
an 80 hour training and we don't have time for that in this video.
But what I can tell you is this.
If you will remember that precious child memory, if you will figure out why
you're grateful for her and memorize the feeling associated with it.
If you will listen to the words she's saying and keep them in mind so that you can repeat them back.
(10:41):
But simultaneously be trying to figure out that why she would do that, how she's feeling,
what emotion she has, and not necessarily telling her, Eureka,
you're saying that because you're hurt. That's going to get you in a bad place.
But if you believe she may be hurt, what you can do is say, I understand that
(11:03):
I may have hurt you, or I understand that I have hurt you.
And you can can take it from there. And again, man, this goes on for hours and
hours and hours for how to actually have these conversations.
And that's not the point of this
video. The point of this video is to get your face in the right place.
Get your face in the right place. I might even make that the title of this video,
(11:25):
because if your face is in the right place by the counsel of Bob Gerace,
if your face is in the right place by the counsel of Bob Gerace,
then I need something that rhymes with Ace, then she's going to stay in your place.
If your face is in the right place by the counsel, if your face is in the right
place by the coaching, if your face is in the right place from the coaching
(11:47):
of Bob Gerace, then she's going to stay at your place. There we go.
So get your face in the right place, brother.
Now moving on to hack number two.
What I want to tell you is that when you have conversations with your wife and
they are difficult conversations, what you need to do is you need to consciously
(12:07):
slow your breathing down.
You need to consciously slow your talking down.
You need to consciously lower your tone just a little bit, not by putting bass
in your voice, but more like just lowering your tone.
Because what that's going to do is it's going to defuse the situation and it's
(12:27):
going to make her feel safer.
These are just the very beginning elements of what we call compassionate communication.
And if you have compassionate communication, what you're going to find is that
they don't escalate, or they don't escalate nearly as quickly,
or they don't escalate nearly as high.
Now, when you combine this compassionate communication, and again,
(12:50):
we could go on for 80 hours, if you combine this compassionate communication
with getting your face in the right place,
what you're going to find is that you're You're doing so well on your inner
game, and you're doing so well on your outer game that you can not only defuse these situations,
but you can recapture permission.
See, what this is about, and I teach it all the time, like you've got to communicate
(13:13):
the right nonverbal messages.
You've got to communicate the right verbal and action-based messages.
And when you communicate the proper messages, what you do is you recapture permission.
Permission to do what? Permission to have influence over her.
If she shuts down or she doesn't want to talk or she shuts herself in the bedroom
(13:37):
or she buries her face in her phone or she puts her hand in your face,
you have lost permission to have influence over her.
So what we need to do is we need to recapture that permission by communicating proper messages.
When we communicate proper messages, we recapture permission.
Now we have influence and that's where we can go into actually addressing the
(13:58):
issues that are at hand and the longstanding wounds that are inside of your marriage.
So that's two tips for you, brother. Two tips to immediately change the way
that your communications are going with your wife.
Now, look, like I said at the beginning of this video, if this is all you do,
you're going to see positive momentum in your marriage, and then it's going to fall flat on his face.
(14:26):
Because what she's going to figure out is that you have not transformed.
You have just learned some hacks.
But the real you, the guy who's inside, she'll be able to bring him out.
You won't be able to keep this up.
She'll be able to put, and she will, brother. She will poke holes.
She will test. She will push. She will prod.
She wants to know that this guy is real.
(14:47):
So if she pushes and she prods and you break, rake, what's going to happen is
now it's going to be even harder for you to make progress with her.
It's going to be even harder to move forward in a positive direction.
So use these hacks, but use them with caution.
And don't think that's all you have to do, because if this is all you do,
I promise you, you're going to be on my calendar talking about how do we save
(15:11):
your marriage in eight weeks or less.
For anybody who wants to be on
that calendar to learn how to save their marriage in eight weeks or less,
then either click one of the links for the masterclass in the comments below,
or go to www.realmanrevolution.com, www.realmanrevolution.com,
(15:32):
and I'll see you on the other side.
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