September 27, 2023 • 19 mins
In this emotionally poignant episode, we delve into a deeply personal journey of grief and self-discovery that ultimately leads to a profound shift in perspective.
I had a heart-wrenching moment of grief about my dad that became the catalyst for a transformative realization about not only my relationship with him, but the other relationships in my life.
Let's go on a transformative journey of empathy and compassion, as we learn how a personal moment of grief can open the door to a brighter, more compassionate future in all of our relationships. #Compassion #Relationships #Empathy #GriefHealing #Transformation #Understanding #SelfGrowth
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Episode Transcript
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(00:05):
Hey everyone, it's Chelsea VanBuskirk with the Heart AF podcast.
Hope you guys are all doing well.
So I don't know if you guys know this,but I just came up on the year anniversary
of this podcast, which is pretty cool.
I launched that first episode inthe beginning of August of 2022.
So I know I haven't had them goingweekly like I had for the first I
(00:27):
don't know, six or seven months, Ithink, of the show because of all the
shit that's been going on this year.
I'm getting back to it, right?
Like we're going, I'm trying to.
keep it up so I can get thingsgoing more consistently again.
Anyway I also had abirthday, so that's fun.
36 now.
So that's pretty cool.
Birthdays are a little tough for me.
(00:47):
With not having, either ofmy parents here, it's always
A little hard for me, right?
A little emotional I get on my birthdays.
Especially since my mother whenshe passed away was in 2009.
I had just turned 22, and she passedaway right after my birthday that year.
And So that anniversary always hasbeen intertwined with my birthday
and it took some time to let goof some guilt I felt from that.
(01:12):
I feel like I've come a long way sincethen, but it's still just one of those
things where it is a little bit moreemotionally heavy around my birthday.
And then the fact that my dad is nolonger here is probably even more
heavy because I was a daddy's girl.
Me and my dad were very closeand he was somebody that always
made my birthday, extra special.
(01:33):
He would call and usuallyplay me a birthday song.
And, always got me really awesome giftsand, just was always super thoughtful.
I think it's cause, being that he wasin a wheelchair, like giving gifts
was probably one of the ways that hewas able to show love, just not being
able to really do anything physically.
He was able to, kind ofshow things by, gift giving.
(01:55):
And I miss those little gesturesor, he have actually, Hold on.
There's an array of gifts righthere from over the years from him,
whether it was Mother's Day or mybirthday or probably those two.
Those are the two things that henormally would give me gifts for.
But I just miss him a lot and it justbecomes very apparent around my birthday.
And so that becomes heavy.
(02:15):
And, even like the weeks leading up,it's been strange where You know, I've
been, if you've listened to one of theepisodes, I think it was, last, around
last winter where I was seeing my dad'sinitials on license plates, that's usually
a sign I take from him, just saying he'saround, he's still here, watching over
and, I still see those every now andagain and always like a little gentle
(02:35):
reminder about him that he's around and,I feel like it comes and goes in waves
where maybe, it's not that I don't thinkabout him constantly, but I don't let
myself remember a lot of stuff becausethen I just get really sad, and we were
on a camping trip recently where itwas like he was just everywhere, right?
There's things kept popping up thatwere like reminiscent of my dad where
(02:56):
the people we were camping with,they lived outside of Pueblo, which
is where my dad went to college.
And then it turns out the guy thatwe were camping with his cousins with
the guy my dad played football with.
And then my dad's old best friend happenedto call me because he was in town.
And actually this football,he brought me this football.
This was a football that him andmy dad used to practice with.
When they were kids andgrowing up and playing football
together through high school.
(03:18):
And so it was really coolthat he gave me that football.
Just all these things, thatare just your dad, right?
And then my husband's aunt asked us whenwe were camping with these people because
they were asking questions about my dad.
And.
She just brought up, they had such aspecial, relationship and, they talked
about his accident a little bit.
And so then the people I'd nevermet before asking questions,
how did your dad get hurt?
(03:38):
What, what's the story.
And and so rehashing some of thosedetails that, I haven't really.
Dwelled on in a while was also emotionaland I just have been really sadly
just really missing him just, wishingI could talk to him on the phone.
And so I was going for a walkand I have some voicemails still
saved on my phone from him.
And I wish I had saved older ones,but the ones that I have only go
(04:00):
back to 2017 and and he died in 2021.
In 2017, he had just got over asignificant illness where his speech
had been affected from that illness andyou can hear him, trying to enunciate
words and, things like that and just,listening to the way his speech was,
how it was at that time and listeningto his voice and then I have a voicemail
(04:21):
from the night he went into thehospital right before he passed away.
And I was staying at his houseand it's a minute long voicemail
because he would always call me.
Like we had these baby monitors.
So when I would stay at his house, hewould have the baby monitor and he would
call me, through the baby monitor, ifhe needed something like during the
night, it could be, he wanted his sheetpulled down cause he was too hot or
he wanted the sheet pulled up causehe was cold or, usually one of those
(04:44):
things or like his mask had, he hada CPAP mask, and maybe he like hit it
or it got, off his nose or whatever.
So he would need his maskadjusted, things like that.
And so sometimes the baby monitor wouldn'talways work or I wouldn't hear it.
And so he would use hislike Alexa to call me.
And so that was the way thathe reached out to me a lot.
So it'd be like 10 30 at nightand he'd call from Alexa.
(05:05):
So he had called me.
And it was on my voicemail, which I wasin the room at that time, but it just,
it recorded this, three minute kind ofscene from that night and I was listening
to it as I was going for my walk.
Just reminiscing, like wantingto hear his voice, right?
And listening to his voice as Iwas walking that morning, I could
(05:27):
hear how much in pain he was, andI had listened to this voicemail.
I used to listen to it a lot, right afterhe passed, but for whatever reason, at
this time, listening to the voicemails,even in 2017, in 2018, in 2019, like the
struggle in his voice, and then hearing itthat night that he went into the hospital
(05:48):
and never made it home I had this...
Realization on how hard he had fought tokeep living for me and how hard that was
because he was very much struggling inhis body and the way his voice sounded
(06:08):
that night broke my heart a little bitlistening to it, this time because it was
like that realization He was in pain.
He had been strugglingto live for a while.
He had lived with his physicalimpairments being a quadriplegic
for over 30 years, and he got to doall the things that he didn't think
(06:30):
he was going to be able to, right?
He fought to see me through high school.
He fought to see me graduate college.
He fought to see me give birthto all of his grandchildren.
He fought to be there to roll medown the wedding aisle and have that
father daughter dance at my wedding.
And I know that was important to him.
(06:51):
I literally have conversations.
Saved.
And that was actually, that's an odd thingto say that we had a conversation saved.
So it wasn't a saved conversation,but it was a saved text message that
I had sent my cousin after me and mydad had this conversation privately.
He had been diagnosed with coloncancer and they were pushing
(07:13):
him to do some chemotherapy,which we were both in agreement.
We really didn't want him to do itbecause we thought that would just.
end his life even quicker and givehim a low quality of life while he
was going through those treatments.
It wasn't really worth it in this scenariothat it was probably better to just, do
the scans and blood work every six monthsand just let him live out his life the
(07:36):
best he can with what he has left, right?
That was our, decision we had come to.
And and having that conversation, hehad said, He wasn't afraid to die that
the only thing he was afraid of Wasleaving me behind because he knew that
I didn't have anybody left, right?
Like my mom is gone You know,my grandparents are gone.
(07:56):
Like he's one of the only pieces offamily, direct family that I have And
I assured him that I'd be okay, and sofor whatever reason hearing his voice
on that voicemail and hearing, Thestruggle, the pain in in his voice made
me feel a little guilty because I soselfishly did want to keep him around, I
liked having him around and to be beinggrateful and that he did fight so hard
(08:22):
and you wanted to stay here for me, right?
And it wasn't just me.
There was other people my two cousinsthat he wanted to stay around for and
his caretaker, Jake, he wanted to stayaround for, I think that was really,
that was probably the hardest thingfor him was knowing he would be leaving
all of us physically behind, right?
And at the same time oh my gosh, whata man that he hung on for so long and
(08:44):
all the things that he struggled withliving in this physical world and
probably how free he is to be wherehe is now and being able to still be
part of our lives in a different way,he's still around, but it's just, it's
different for us who are still livingin this plane, if you will, but anyway,
it was just a sad, but also beautifulrealization of how we can have these
(09:07):
big feelings, whether it's grief afteryou've lost someone or a relationship
that has ended that didn't, you know, endthe way that you wanted it to we can get
so focused on our own selfish feelings.
In that relationship, we don't alwaysacknowledge what it was like for the
other person or what their side ofthe story is or what things that they
(09:27):
were compromising or sacrificing forthe relationship with you, right?
Because it's hard to know.
And especially if we don'talways communicate clearly, right?
But also I don't think my dad wouldever say Hey, I'm like ready to be free of
these physical struggles I'm dealing with.
I'm just holding on and sacrificing thatbecause of you, that's not something
that my dad would have said to me ever.
(09:48):
So there's certain things whereyou don't really tell people.
So think about how often youmight sacrifice or compromise
something for yourself or someoneelse because you love them.
Or you're trying to show them love ordo something for them and I think, we
don't always realize the things that theymight be doing on their end, too, right?
I talked in an episode recently abouthow, we can get sucked into being the
victim and, wanting to be right andthinking the other person's wrong and
(10:09):
just getting so caught up in wantingto prove the fact that we're right
and they're wrong that we we losetrack of maybe the absolute truth.
There's our truth and then there'sanother person's truth, right?
I've lost a few friendships thisyear that have been pretty hard.
They were significant friendships.
But I do think that, things happen andpeople will vibrate out of your life
as you grow and change yourself, right?
It's just a natural thing that happens.
(10:30):
And sometimes it might not be your choiceor maybe it is or, things just happen
I think the way that they're meant tohappen and sometimes they can be painful
and we can blame or we can try to createstories in our head about, However,
we wanted to see the situation, theyhave a side of their story also, right?
Have you seen those posts whereit's you might be like the villain
in someone else's story, but a heroin another one, things like that.
(10:53):
You can't change how people aregoing to think and feel about you.
And , I know I started off on this kind ofsad situation with, my grief with my dad,
but in certain things we can be like angryor mad or sad without really realizing
the extent of how the other person wasfeeling on the other end too, right?
Like almost having a greater typeof empathy for other people and
(11:15):
what their side of the story isor what they were dealing with.
Even for like my mom and herpassing, like there was a lot
of anger on my side, right?
Like a lot of anger, like, why didyou live the life that you did?
Like, why did you make these choices?
And, like you could have gottenbetter and ... She couldn't, right?
And I don't know how she was then.
Maybe she tried.
(11:35):
Maybe, we don't, I don't know.
But I know that where sheis now, she's finally free.
from the demons.
She was fighting here physically, right?
And I think, every person on this planet,like we literally just do the best we can
with what we know at any given moment.
And, life is a journey.
(11:55):
I believe that, we choose things from adifferent place before we're born, right?
Like our souls Choose to experiencecertain life lessons for our soul
growth, the types of people that comein and out of our lives that we choose
our parents, the types of parents weare going to have and the experiences
like it's all meant for some kind ofhigher lesson, and it could be a lesson
(12:20):
on the physical plane, or it could justbe your soul's lesson to evolve into,
something else, like getting put intothis human experience to learn something,
to gain something, to Have an impact.
There's studies of this, but, I'veheard where, certain souls, literally
their purpose for coming into alife is for another soul's lesson.
Like their brief soul journey on inthis lifetime might have just been
(12:42):
for another soul's experience, right?
Like they their time onhere was meant to be brief.
It was meant to come in and helpother souls with their journeys.
And as humans, That's hard, right?
It's still hard for humans to do, right?
Like we don't always havethat ability to tap into that
kind of knowledge or knowing.
It is there deep inside, but it's reallyhard to take away all the physical
(13:07):
layers of our minds to really wrap aroundsome of these things to realize that
they were meant for our soul growth.
They were meant for our for our higherselves, our higher evolution, however
you want to say it, they're meant tobring us back to that, divine power, that
connection to know that we aren't alone,that we all come from the same space.
(13:27):
you always analyze certain liketragedies and things like people
say, why would God let this happen?
Things like that.
And, it's not really, I believe it's not,God who's doing these things, it's humans.
It's humans that are usingtheir human things, right?
Our human experiences.
And that's the humanness in us, right?
That we get these angryfeelings and, whatever.
Evil stuff, that's not God.
(13:48):
That's not where we come from.
That's darkness.
That's humanness.
That's stuff where we get sucked in.
Where we're not letting any light in.
And we're closed off.
And, I can go really deep and allthat kind of stuff, but honestly,
I think it's just very importantto realize that every relationship,
whether it's a parent, a familyrelationship, a friend, a partner, a
(14:09):
child, like there's a reason for thatrelationship in your life, and it
can be really easy to get almost selfcentered in some of these relationships
on how the relationships affect us.
But it is needed to occasionally take astep back and take a look and see what's
going on the other side of things, right?
(14:30):
What's going on with this person?
I've been struggling alot as a mother recently.
Like, all of my kidsare at different stages.
And so I, I have, a lot of struggleswith my daughter, my oldest
daughter who's, a budding teenager.
And then my youngest son who has somesensory issues and some behavior stuff.
(14:50):
And it's just, he's been very challenging.
And I did start a parenting classrecently and one of the things that, is
stressed is instead of getting yourselfworked up and reacting to whatever
your child might be doing is to getcurious and try to understand where
their behavior is coming from or tryingto ask more questions and get on their
level and see why they're feeling theway they are feeling or what is the
(15:12):
unmet need that is causing the behavior.
And that's been a huge awakeningfor myself and becoming more
aware of those types of things.
And I will tell you when I'm in asituation where I can become aware
of me, like starting to react.
And I can calm my own self downinstead of getting worked up and
coming, almost at either a defensiveor, I've been like disrespected.
(15:32):
So I'm like, coming at them in thislike a combative mode or getting angry
and worked up being able to recognizewhen I'm getting that way and to
be able to, take that step back andcalm myself and get curious and start
asking them questions or start tryingto be more interested in why they're
behaving the way they are, why we'rehaving this, altercation, if you will.
(15:55):
I've seen as my defenses go down,my child's defenses go down.
We're able to have more conversations.
I'm able to empathize or seewhere they're coming from.
And that allows me to get them down ordysregulated into a more neutral state.
And then we can actually have a betterneutral conversation to actually come
to a solution or like a compromise orsomething where we can work together.
(16:16):
And I know that sounds a littlecomplicated, and it's not something
that you can just change, right?
We get stuck in our habits, weall have our internal triggers and
things, but it's been a really helpfulway to slow down and become aware.
And very similar to where I startedoff with this story, is just
really becoming aware of whereother people are coming from.
What kinds of things they're doing,and being more understanding and having
(16:38):
compassion for other people and beingwilling to let our defenses down and be
more understanding and, maybe realizinghow we might be selfish in some ways.
We're all entitled to our wants andneeds, and I think those are fair, and
we're, it's fine to have our own feelings,but it's also nice to just be able to
realize where other people might becoming from, where other people might
need some compassion and understanding,and know that you're not alone, and just
(17:02):
because you're having these feelingsin the situation with my dad it's
okay for me to be sad, but It's alsookay, to be grateful for what I had.
It's also okay to realizewhat all my dad did, right?
And to be, like, evenmore grateful for that.
And to just keep his memory aliveinstead of being afraid of the
sadness and all these things.
And, again, almost like focusing on likethe positives instead of the negative kind
(17:26):
of things or, I think back about my mom,like maybe I don't focus on the ways I
felt hurt and betrayed by her, like maybefocusing on those rare moments where we
had some good times or the times she didshow up or the things she did do that,
were showing me love, like focusing onthose things or Looking back at some of
the friendships I've had and rememberingthe good things that they brought into my
(17:49):
life and the lessons I might have learnedthrough their friendships, instead of
seeing like the ways I feel like I washurt by them or the ways I was offended
by them, like just keeping, the focuson, they are a person too, they're going
through their own journey and they mayor may not have meant to hurt me, right?
I don't know.
And instead of dwelling on andfeeling hurt and like a victim, I can
let it be what it was and appreciatethe goodness I got from it and
(18:11):
appreciate the lesson for whatever thatlesson was for my soul to have that
interaction with that other person.
So yeah, I think that's wherethis episode is really getting to
becoming aware and this curious part.
Right?
Approaching different things with acurious mind and seeing how we can
see things from other perspectives orfrom another person's point of view.
(18:32):
If it's somebody that we may no longerhave that relationship anymore and
have some feelings about that, right?
Like looking at those relationshipsthrough that curiosity lens and where
they might be coming from and havingthat understanding and compassion
for ourselves and the other peoplethat come in and out of our lives.
(18:53):
Please let me know if you have anyfeedback or anything you want to add
about any experiences you may havehad or realizations or what you think
about what I've talked about today.
You can leave a comment on the, thispodcast video on YouTube, or you can
send me a DM on Instagram or Facebook.
My handle is @chelsea.Vanbuskirkand I will see you guys soon.
(19:14):
Peace.
Hey everyone, it's Chelsea VanBuskirk with the Heart AF podcast.
Hope you guys are all doing well.
So I don't know if you guys know this,but I just came up on the year anniversary
of this podcast, which is pretty cool.
I launched that first episode inthe beginning of August of 2022.
So I know I haven't had them goingweekly like I had for the first I
(00:27):
don't know, six or seven months, Ithink, of the show because of all the
shit that's been going on this year.
I'm getting back to it, right?
Like we're going, I'm trying to.
keep it up so I can get thingsgoing more consistently again.
Anyway I also had abirthday, so that's fun.
36 now.
So that's pretty cool.
Birthdays are a little tough for me.
(00:47):
With not having, either ofmy parents here, it's always
A little hard for me, right?
A little emotional I get on my birthdays.
Especially since my mother whenshe passed away was in 2009.
I had just turned 22, and she passedaway right after my birthday that year.
And So that anniversary always hasbeen intertwined with my birthday
and it took some time to let goof some guilt I felt from that.
(01:12):
I feel like I've come a long way sincethen, but it's still just one of those
things where it is a little bit moreemotionally heavy around my birthday.
And then the fact that my dad is nolonger here is probably even more
heavy because I was a daddy's girl.
Me and my dad were very closeand he was somebody that always
made my birthday, extra special.
(01:33):
He would call and usuallyplay me a birthday song.
And, always got me really awesome giftsand, just was always super thoughtful.
I think it's cause, being that he wasin a wheelchair, like giving gifts
was probably one of the ways that hewas able to show love, just not being
able to really do anything physically.
He was able to, kind ofshow things by, gift giving.
(01:55):
And I miss those little gesturesor, he have actually, Hold on.
There's an array of gifts righthere from over the years from him,
whether it was Mother's Day or mybirthday or probably those two.
Those are the two things that henormally would give me gifts for.
But I just miss him a lot and it justbecomes very apparent around my birthday.
And so that becomes heavy.
(02:15):
And, even like the weeks leading up,it's been strange where You know, I've
been, if you've listened to one of theepisodes, I think it was, last, around
last winter where I was seeing my dad'sinitials on license plates, that's usually
a sign I take from him, just saying he'saround, he's still here, watching over
and, I still see those every now andagain and always like a little gentle
(02:35):
reminder about him that he's around and,I feel like it comes and goes in waves
where maybe, it's not that I don't thinkabout him constantly, but I don't let
myself remember a lot of stuff becausethen I just get really sad, and we were
on a camping trip recently where itwas like he was just everywhere, right?
There's things kept popping up thatwere like reminiscent of my dad where
(02:56):
the people we were camping with,they lived outside of Pueblo, which
is where my dad went to college.
And then it turns out the guy thatwe were camping with his cousins with
the guy my dad played football with.
And then my dad's old best friend happenedto call me because he was in town.
And actually this football,he brought me this football.
This was a football that him andmy dad used to practice with.
When they were kids andgrowing up and playing football
together through high school.
(03:18):
And so it was really coolthat he gave me that football.
Just all these things, thatare just your dad, right?
And then my husband's aunt asked us whenwe were camping with these people because
they were asking questions about my dad.
And.
She just brought up, they had such aspecial, relationship and, they talked
about his accident a little bit.
And so then the people I'd nevermet before asking questions,
how did your dad get hurt?
(03:38):
What, what's the story.
And and so rehashing some of thosedetails that, I haven't really.
Dwelled on in a while was also emotionaland I just have been really sadly
just really missing him just, wishingI could talk to him on the phone.
And so I was going for a walkand I have some voicemails still
saved on my phone from him.
And I wish I had saved older ones,but the ones that I have only go
(04:00):
back to 2017 and and he died in 2021.
In 2017, he had just got over asignificant illness where his speech
had been affected from that illness andyou can hear him, trying to enunciate
words and, things like that and just,listening to the way his speech was,
how it was at that time and listeningto his voice and then I have a voicemail
(04:21):
from the night he went into thehospital right before he passed away.
And I was staying at his houseand it's a minute long voicemail
because he would always call me.
Like we had these baby monitors.
So when I would stay at his house, hewould have the baby monitor and he would
call me, through the baby monitor, ifhe needed something like during the
night, it could be, he wanted his sheetpulled down cause he was too hot or
he wanted the sheet pulled up causehe was cold or, usually one of those
(04:44):
things or like his mask had, he hada CPAP mask, and maybe he like hit it
or it got, off his nose or whatever.
So he would need his maskadjusted, things like that.
And so sometimes the baby monitor wouldn'talways work or I wouldn't hear it.
And so he would use hislike Alexa to call me.
And so that was the way thathe reached out to me a lot.
So it'd be like 10 30 at nightand he'd call from Alexa.
(05:05):
So he had called me.
And it was on my voicemail, which I wasin the room at that time, but it just,
it recorded this, three minute kind ofscene from that night and I was listening
to it as I was going for my walk.
Just reminiscing, like wantingto hear his voice, right?
And listening to his voice as Iwas walking that morning, I could
(05:27):
hear how much in pain he was, andI had listened to this voicemail.
I used to listen to it a lot, right afterhe passed, but for whatever reason, at
this time, listening to the voicemails,even in 2017, in 2018, in 2019, like the
struggle in his voice, and then hearing itthat night that he went into the hospital
(05:48):
and never made it home I had this...
Realization on how hard he had fought tokeep living for me and how hard that was
because he was very much struggling inhis body and the way his voice sounded
(06:08):
that night broke my heart a little bitlistening to it, this time because it was
like that realization He was in pain.
He had been strugglingto live for a while.
He had lived with his physicalimpairments being a quadriplegic
for over 30 years, and he got to doall the things that he didn't think
(06:30):
he was going to be able to, right?
He fought to see me through high school.
He fought to see me graduate college.
He fought to see me give birthto all of his grandchildren.
He fought to be there to roll medown the wedding aisle and have that
father daughter dance at my wedding.
And I know that was important to him.
(06:51):
I literally have conversations.
Saved.
And that was actually, that's an odd thingto say that we had a conversation saved.
So it wasn't a saved conversation,but it was a saved text message that
I had sent my cousin after me and mydad had this conversation privately.
He had been diagnosed with coloncancer and they were pushing
(07:13):
him to do some chemotherapy,which we were both in agreement.
We really didn't want him to do itbecause we thought that would just.
end his life even quicker and givehim a low quality of life while he
was going through those treatments.
It wasn't really worth it in this scenariothat it was probably better to just, do
the scans and blood work every six monthsand just let him live out his life the
(07:36):
best he can with what he has left, right?
That was our, decision we had come to.
And and having that conversation, hehad said, He wasn't afraid to die that
the only thing he was afraid of Wasleaving me behind because he knew that
I didn't have anybody left, right?
Like my mom is gone You know,my grandparents are gone.
(07:56):
Like he's one of the only pieces offamily, direct family that I have And
I assured him that I'd be okay, and sofor whatever reason hearing his voice
on that voicemail and hearing, Thestruggle, the pain in in his voice made
me feel a little guilty because I soselfishly did want to keep him around, I
liked having him around and to be beinggrateful and that he did fight so hard
(08:22):
and you wanted to stay here for me, right?
And it wasn't just me.
There was other people my two cousinsthat he wanted to stay around for and
his caretaker, Jake, he wanted to stayaround for, I think that was really,
that was probably the hardest thingfor him was knowing he would be leaving
all of us physically behind, right?
And at the same time oh my gosh, whata man that he hung on for so long and
(08:44):
all the things that he struggled withliving in this physical world and
probably how free he is to be wherehe is now and being able to still be
part of our lives in a different way,he's still around, but it's just, it's
different for us who are still livingin this plane, if you will, but anyway,
it was just a sad, but also beautifulrealization of how we can have these
(09:07):
big feelings, whether it's grief afteryou've lost someone or a relationship
that has ended that didn't, you know, endthe way that you wanted it to we can get
so focused on our own selfish feelings.
In that relationship, we don't alwaysacknowledge what it was like for the
other person or what their side ofthe story is or what things that they
(09:27):
were compromising or sacrificing forthe relationship with you, right?
Because it's hard to know.
And especially if we don'talways communicate clearly, right?
But also I don't think my dad wouldever say Hey, I'm like ready to be free of
these physical struggles I'm dealing with.
I'm just holding on and sacrificing thatbecause of you, that's not something
that my dad would have said to me ever.
(09:48):
So there's certain things whereyou don't really tell people.
So think about how often youmight sacrifice or compromise
something for yourself or someoneelse because you love them.
Or you're trying to show them love ordo something for them and I think, we
don't always realize the things that theymight be doing on their end, too, right?
I talked in an episode recently abouthow, we can get sucked into being the
victim and, wanting to be right andthinking the other person's wrong and
(10:09):
just getting so caught up in wantingto prove the fact that we're right
and they're wrong that we we losetrack of maybe the absolute truth.
There's our truth and then there'sanother person's truth, right?
I've lost a few friendships thisyear that have been pretty hard.
They were significant friendships.
But I do think that, things happen andpeople will vibrate out of your life
as you grow and change yourself, right?
It's just a natural thing that happens.
(10:30):
And sometimes it might not be your choiceor maybe it is or, things just happen
I think the way that they're meant tohappen and sometimes they can be painful
and we can blame or we can try to createstories in our head about, However,
we wanted to see the situation, theyhave a side of their story also, right?
Have you seen those posts whereit's you might be like the villain
in someone else's story, but a heroin another one, things like that.
(10:53):
You can't change how people aregoing to think and feel about you.
And , I know I started off on this kind ofsad situation with, my grief with my dad,
but in certain things we can be like angryor mad or sad without really realizing
the extent of how the other person wasfeeling on the other end too, right?
Like almost having a greater typeof empathy for other people and
(11:15):
what their side of the story isor what they were dealing with.
Even for like my mom and herpassing, like there was a lot
of anger on my side, right?
Like a lot of anger, like, why didyou live the life that you did?
Like, why did you make these choices?
And, like you could have gottenbetter and ... She couldn't, right?
And I don't know how she was then.
Maybe she tried.
(11:35):
Maybe, we don't, I don't know.
But I know that where sheis now, she's finally free.
from the demons.
She was fighting here physically, right?
And I think, every person on this planet,like we literally just do the best we can
with what we know at any given moment.
And, life is a journey.
(11:55):
I believe that, we choose things from adifferent place before we're born, right?
Like our souls Choose to experiencecertain life lessons for our soul
growth, the types of people that comein and out of our lives that we choose
our parents, the types of parents weare going to have and the experiences
like it's all meant for some kind ofhigher lesson, and it could be a lesson
(12:20):
on the physical plane, or it could justbe your soul's lesson to evolve into,
something else, like getting put intothis human experience to learn something,
to gain something, to Have an impact.
There's studies of this, but, I'veheard where, certain souls, literally
their purpose for coming into alife is for another soul's lesson.
Like their brief soul journey on inthis lifetime might have just been
(12:42):
for another soul's experience, right?
Like they their time onhere was meant to be brief.
It was meant to come in and helpother souls with their journeys.
And as humans, That's hard, right?
It's still hard for humans to do, right?
Like we don't always havethat ability to tap into that
kind of knowledge or knowing.
It is there deep inside, but it's reallyhard to take away all the physical
(13:07):
layers of our minds to really wrap aroundsome of these things to realize that
they were meant for our soul growth.
They were meant for our for our higherselves, our higher evolution, however
you want to say it, they're meant tobring us back to that, divine power, that
connection to know that we aren't alone,that we all come from the same space.
(13:27):
you always analyze certain liketragedies and things like people
say, why would God let this happen?
Things like that.
And, it's not really, I believe it's not,God who's doing these things, it's humans.
It's humans that are usingtheir human things, right?
Our human experiences.
And that's the humanness in us, right?
That we get these angryfeelings and, whatever.
Evil stuff, that's not God.
(13:48):
That's not where we come from.
That's darkness.
That's humanness.
That's stuff where we get sucked in.
Where we're not letting any light in.
And we're closed off.
And, I can go really deep and allthat kind of stuff, but honestly,
I think it's just very importantto realize that every relationship,
whether it's a parent, a familyrelationship, a friend, a partner, a
(14:09):
child, like there's a reason for thatrelationship in your life, and it
can be really easy to get almost selfcentered in some of these relationships
on how the relationships affect us.
But it is needed to occasionally take astep back and take a look and see what's
going on the other side of things, right?
(14:30):
What's going on with this person?
I've been struggling alot as a mother recently.
Like, all of my kidsare at different stages.
And so I, I have, a lot of struggleswith my daughter, my oldest
daughter who's, a budding teenager.
And then my youngest son who has somesensory issues and some behavior stuff.
(14:50):
And it's just, he's been very challenging.
And I did start a parenting classrecently and one of the things that, is
stressed is instead of getting yourselfworked up and reacting to whatever
your child might be doing is to getcurious and try to understand where
their behavior is coming from or tryingto ask more questions and get on their
level and see why they're feeling theway they are feeling or what is the
(15:12):
unmet need that is causing the behavior.
And that's been a huge awakeningfor myself and becoming more
aware of those types of things.
And I will tell you when I'm in asituation where I can become aware
of me, like starting to react.
And I can calm my own self downinstead of getting worked up and
coming, almost at either a defensiveor, I've been like disrespected.
(15:32):
So I'm like, coming at them in thislike a combative mode or getting angry
and worked up being able to recognizewhen I'm getting that way and to
be able to, take that step back andcalm myself and get curious and start
asking them questions or start tryingto be more interested in why they're
behaving the way they are, why we'rehaving this, altercation, if you will.
(15:55):
I've seen as my defenses go down,my child's defenses go down.
We're able to have more conversations.
I'm able to empathize or seewhere they're coming from.
And that allows me to get them down ordysregulated into a more neutral state.
And then we can actually have a betterneutral conversation to actually come
to a solution or like a compromise orsomething where we can work together.
(16:16):
And I know that sounds a littlecomplicated, and it's not something
that you can just change, right?
We get stuck in our habits, weall have our internal triggers and
things, but it's been a really helpfulway to slow down and become aware.
And very similar to where I startedoff with this story, is just
really becoming aware of whereother people are coming from.
What kinds of things they're doing,and being more understanding and having
(16:38):
compassion for other people and beingwilling to let our defenses down and be
more understanding and, maybe realizinghow we might be selfish in some ways.
We're all entitled to our wants andneeds, and I think those are fair, and
we're, it's fine to have our own feelings,but it's also nice to just be able to
realize where other people might becoming from, where other people might
need some compassion and understanding,and know that you're not alone, and just
(17:02):
because you're having these feelingsin the situation with my dad it's
okay for me to be sad, but It's alsookay, to be grateful for what I had.
It's also okay to realizewhat all my dad did, right?
And to be, like, evenmore grateful for that.
And to just keep his memory aliveinstead of being afraid of the
sadness and all these things.
And, again, almost like focusing on likethe positives instead of the negative kind
(17:26):
of things or, I think back about my mom,like maybe I don't focus on the ways I
felt hurt and betrayed by her, like maybefocusing on those rare moments where we
had some good times or the times she didshow up or the things she did do that,
were showing me love, like focusing onthose things or Looking back at some of
the friendships I've had and rememberingthe good things that they brought into my
(17:49):
life and the lessons I might have learnedthrough their friendships, instead of
seeing like the ways I feel like I washurt by them or the ways I was offended
by them, like just keeping, the focuson, they are a person too, they're going
through their own journey and they mayor may not have meant to hurt me, right?
I don't know.
And instead of dwelling on andfeeling hurt and like a victim, I can
let it be what it was and appreciatethe goodness I got from it and
(18:11):
appreciate the lesson for whatever thatlesson was for my soul to have that
interaction with that other person.
So yeah, I think that's wherethis episode is really getting to
becoming aware and this curious part.
Right?
Approaching different things with acurious mind and seeing how we can
see things from other perspectives orfrom another person's point of view.
(18:32):
If it's somebody that we may no longerhave that relationship anymore and
have some feelings about that, right?
Like looking at those relationshipsthrough that curiosity lens and where
they might be coming from and havingthat understanding and compassion
for ourselves and the other peoplethat come in and out of our lives.
(18:53):
Please let me know if you have anyfeedback or anything you want to add
about any experiences you may havehad or realizations or what you think
about what I've talked about today.
You can leave a comment on the, thispodcast video on YouTube, or you can
send me a DM on Instagram or Facebook.
My handle is @chelsea.Vanbuskirkand I will see you guys soon.
(19:14):
Peace.
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