February 16, 2024 • 44 mins
In the ninth episode of The Will to Win show, we're privileged to have a candid conversation with Dating & Relationship Coach Cristina Davy, the founder of the Love Map Dating & Relationship Program and host of the Hot & Spicy Podcast. After taking part in countless personal development courses and overcoming her own heartbreak, Cristina has become a vessel of hope for those who may be struggling to find their Soulmate.
During the episode Cristina unveils the ideal traits a woman seeks in a man, and the critical role of clear, transparent, open communication in any relationship. Listen as Cristina passionately describes the changing gender dynamics and the innate desires of men and women, highlighting the importance of listening, being present, and asking the right questions.
Deeply exploring the stark differences between men and women in relationships, we clear the fog around these differences that often lead to misunderstandings and provide a roadmap for navigating these effectively. We touch on various elements, including the distinctive communication styles between genders, the significance of genuine presence, and the importance of making meaningful compliments. Further, we illuminate the varying perspectives about pace in relationships, the pressure of appearing confident without seeming desperate, and how to assess and approach your partner's readiness for commitment.
By shedding light on how men and women perceive sex and intimacy differently, we aim to clear any misconceptions around intentions and expectations. We also focus on the importance of emotional connection for women and the confusion that arises when there's a gap between being considerate and being ready for commitment. The discussion wraps up by emphasizing the significance of shared goals in a relationship and the role of financial stability in partner preference, underscoring that it's not about materialism, but a desire for security.
Join us in this enlightening discussion, with Cristina Davy, where we delve into the complexities and unspoken dynamics of relationships. Cristina helps us understand how societal conditioning and expectations influence our desires in a partner and the potential downsides of a traditional gender role-based relationship. She also explores 'standards' in relationships, discussing why some women might have high expectations in their search for the right partner.
Last but not least, Cristina talks about making compromises, meeting selection criteria’s, understanding values, the importance of finding the right balance between physical attraction and personality in relationships and how to show up for your partner. Providing a fresh perspective on modern-day relationships, this episode provides a treasure trove of enlightening information for both singles and those who are already in a relationship.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.
(00:07):
Welcome to The Will To Win, where emerging entrepreneurs come to learn the best
tips, strategies, and techniques to unlock their potential and become more successful.
Music.
I'm your host, Steve Scarni, and each week I will bring on the most incredible
guests who are going to share their own unique stories, knowledge,
wisdom, and insights about how they've been able to close the gap between failure and success,
(00:30):
and then go on to live a life of greatness.
Here at The Will To Win, we are dedicated to educating and inspiring you to
be able to maximize your potential and make what seems impossible, totally possible.
(00:50):
Christina, Davey, welcome to The Will To Win show, episode nine.
It's so great to have you on the show to speak about the ins and outs of dating
in the 2020 first century.
Steve, it's so great to be here. Thank you so much for inviting me and thank
you for the opportunity of sharing the knowledge that I have and also obviously
(01:14):
share with your audience as well. It is so great to be here.
I'm really glad to hear that. And you've got quite a bit of experience in,
I guess, dating relationship world, helping people be able to find their soulmate
and really be able to have the life they want,
like to have a meaningful life, not just by themselves, but with someone truly special.
(01:39):
So tell us a little bit about your background in what you do.
So it's really my own journey that got me on this path.
It's so interesting how I was facing my own challenges.
And then it was out of
the desire of having a healthy relationship that
I start to invest invest in myself and attend a variety
(01:59):
of programs and as you do you know you
end up doing an NLP training hypnosis you
know training and you end up you know
a coaching program and you want to end up doing a relationship program and then
I just I just discovered this passion for knowing and and understanding men
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and women you know and and the differences between them so it was my own knowledge
that took me into that direction.
And I never really planned to become a dating.
So the ultimate goal is not to become a dating and relationship coach,
but rather it was thirst for knowledge to support myself and start coaching
(02:42):
people for depression and anxiety.
I realized that most of them had a lot of relationship problems.
So I started helping Helping people move from a breakup, move from an ex-boyfriend.
And I was supporting them one-on-one and they were getting so empowered and
so like free and independent and thriving on so many aspects of their life.
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But I realized that when it came to dating, so they were lacking the skill.
So I thought, well, why not applying everything that I have learned and really
put the knowledge of what I know I think it will support them and create my own program.
So I have created Love Map out of desire to, you know, it was to know,
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you know, things for myself that was knowledge to actually support them.
And initially it was going to stay just as a one-on-one thing.
But when I noticed the impact that it had, you know, with my clients and I decided,
you know, I'm just going to actually make it this as a group program.
So it really, you know, took off and yeah, it's just been a beautiful trip.
(03:50):
And as I said, I will have never, if you have asked me, you know,
when I divorced, hey, Christina, what are you going to do in life later on?
You know, I've never thought, you know, I will become a dating and relationship
coach because I didn't feel like I had any expertise.
But exploring, you know, everything for myself and attending a variety of programs
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have got me here and willingness to help others.
Well, that's fantastic. fantastic christina like
you've come such a long way as a dating coach for your own personal experiences
that drove you to be this person that really gives hope to people who are looking
for that special someone and we may as well go into the take a dive into the questions and,
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ask you some really good questions
that will help people in their journey
towards finding love love so one question
that comes to mind is when you're single
and you're looking for that special someone let's say
i'm a guy and i'm trying to attract a woman or the right woman what are the
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kind of qualities that some of the qualities that women desire in a man that
really stand out great question steve and actually most women don't even realize
that's what they're looking for me when i Sorry.
That's okay. The dog is trying to join in too.
Adios, of course. Some of, most ladies actually don't even really know what they're looking for.
(05:24):
So when I ask, what are you looking for in a man?
They say, well, I'm looking for someone I can trust. I'll look for someone that's honest.
So they are actually listing, you know, some values that are great,
but they're not actually really the essence of what they really need.
So a woman is looking for a man who is decisive, who is a leader, a man who is a protector.
(05:50):
Man, that can keep her safe. So protection meaning not just,
you know, if somebody comes at you, I'm just going to punch him.
But rather like, you know, anything, it's so different to be a woman.
You know, safety is not really a concern for a man.
But women have been a prey, really, you know, since the beginning of being a woman, right?
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So they are viewed as weaker. And in most instances, we don't have the same
kind of strong body, you know, as a man, right? It's a completely different build.
And just our natural nature, way of being is not one of competitiveness.
You know, we learn to become like that since we start to use more of our masculine energy.
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But women are really really
looking it's someone a leader someone who is inspiring them
to what they what he does you know one who is reliable as well that if you say
something you do that or at least like you're working towards it so show me
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signs right and then more and more women are really,
really braving the transparency, you know, in communication.
So transparency, meaning I'm willing to share and include you in what I'm going through.
(07:18):
Absolutely. It's a hand to, you know, solve the problem inwards first.
So they go into their caves and they don't understand how a woman can be quite excluded.
And she doesn't understand because women solve problems by talking and sharing
with others. That's right.
To community and men don't do that. So it's very hard for a woman to really understand.
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Even if they heard about the concept, oh, he needs cave time,
they don't really understand the importance.
And men don't understand why he needs to share with women their struggles because
it's not cool to share struggles with a woman because then I might look weak.
But that's not how it goes in men's world.
(08:04):
World right so we are
transitioning more now to a world where
men and women understand that they have masculine and feminine energy and they
can be more like men or more like one such yeah such a profound insight and
yet there definitely is a switch taking place where men i believe are starting to realize that,
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hey, maybe I do need to open up.
Maybe it's not so bad to share my emotions after all.
And there's not really any shame in it. And being able to let go and share your troubles,
your challenges with your partner or your wife, it's critical to the sustainability
of that relationship and working because if you don't work through the pain,
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the struggles, like that relationship is going to end up.
In conflict but yeah what what is your take on that
i think that you know
usually a partner will know that something
is not right because your energy is changing how you're showing up are you more
in your head you're more you know thinking you you're not present even if your
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body's there you might be in your head and like completely missing some things
that are really important so So partner will anyway sense that.
So by not sharing what's going on, they're going to come up with their own story.
And most of the time, their own story is going to be much, much worse than what they're experiencing.
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So you're putting yourself at risk of distancing,
and creating a gap with the other partner where if you actually will be willing
to share Share with that person, and not from a wound, but share the struggle
from an empowered state.
I have a problem I'm dealing with right now. It could be about work,
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about my business, about my kids, about whatever, what it is.
And I'm trying to work through to understand what this is, you know,
and find a solution to it.
So could you give me some time to look into this more, and then I'll come to
you when I'm ready to share.
(10:22):
So you are including them, you are communicating, you are confirming,
hey, this is not about you, this is something I can wait.
So it's a reassurance for the other partner.
And then...
You're also placing some boundaries, but rather like a request.
Can I solve this on my own? Because men, it's important for them to solve it on their own, right?
(10:47):
So can I solve this amount? And then when I'm ready, I'm coming back to you.
And, you know, from time to time checking in with her and letting her know,
hey, you know, I'm still working on this.
I'm thinking, so give her something so she knows that, okay, you made some progress.
So you didn't make some progress. Because otherwise she will feel pushed away and she'll shut down.
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And if you have a shut down woman on your hands, that's completely different.
Yeah, that's chaos. It's a completely different approach that you've got to come up with.
That's most important. and I think the
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other thing is like not as a man we want to tell the woman what to do give her
the solutions and often that's not what they want all they want is for you to
listen and acknowledge them and if you can do that your relationship will be much better off,
so they need you yeah absolutely 100% I agree with that so they need to you
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they need the male or someone to listen so they can be heard when they feel
heard they feel understood so when we hit them with solution which might not
be according to their own values or needs then,
they're gonna feel like you didn't get them so they're gonna come and explain
you start the beginning from the beginning again and explain you the whole story
(12:17):
that you just heard that's not fun,
You hope you're going to understand. You're not listening to me.
And the man is like, well, you already told me this. Why are you telling me
this again? And she's like, well, because you didn't understand me.
That's what she's thinking. So if you actually listen and pay attention to her
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feelings and validate her feelings,
you don't have to agree with the story, but just validate her feelings.
I can see you're upset and this is
so upsetting right so then she
feels like oh he gets me right so now
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she feels resolved because you get her and you're holding space for her and
you invalidate her feelings so now she's like oh so she's all loving because
she's resolving what she's feeling through the talking and she's open to you
and she's like all smiling and happy Oh, that's perfect.
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Get the affection that you want and the warmth and the openness and the laughter
and the smiles and the looking into your eyes an open-hearted woman which is
beautiful oh definitely.
So yeah really great response and we might move on to a new question such as
like when if you're a guy and you know you're looking around you're trying to
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find the right partner you're trying trying to stand out from the crowd,
what are some things that,
from a woman's perspective, that you would suggest that a man could do to really
stand out and get the attention of a woman that he is interested in?
The number one thing that comes to mind is get to know her.
Be curious. Don't just apply some generalized stuff that you heard from your friends or just books.
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I mean, it's good to have knowledge and skill, right?
So I'm not saying don't read. about relationships or dating or women or but
actually be present so be present with her.
And second get to know her you
know actually ask questions about her and
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ask questions not just for the sake of
conversation but actually you know ask her
what she likes what she loves doing what lights
up her fire you know inside her you
know what helps so feel connected right so
ask questions that will lead the conversation
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towards whatever what you want to experience you
know like so even if
you ask something as you know simple as
what food do you like that's going to give
you information on how you can please her if you
can please a woman and make her happy she's going
to stay open to you just going to want to give
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more and spend more time with you because you make her
feel happy so making someone
happy meaning like you understand their needs and something to fulfill them
so if she likes thai food right and you just ask that and she tells you and
the next time you're like hey how about we go out for thai she's like oh i love that, right?
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And then she'll be like, oh, he gets me. I'll add that to my list of strategies.
Yeah. So be present,
And get to know her. Okay. But don't be like, like, don't be like a cop,
you know, just, just slowly, you know, to the conversation,
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you know, ask questions and she will like that, you know, and of course,
always make compliments, but not over the top.
Just notice, like, I love this dress on you.
Right. Something just, you don't need to say five things at once.
Just one thing, you know, and eye contact.
Your hair looks really lovely today. I love the way you're taking care of you.
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That's going to be music to her ears. So she's going to be like,
oh, he noticed that I took an hour and a half to get ready.
And I went down my hair and my nails and, you know, like he's noticing me.
So she's going to start feeling seen.
Absolutely. That's, yeah, such a great insight.
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And as a as
a guy often we try to rush
into things and sometimes we
put too much pressure on the woman we rush them and they don't like that some
and that can often cause them to pull away and go oh this guy's desperate and
there's a lot of talk you know in the mainstream about oh don't be desperate
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don't try too hard like what's your take on this you know this challenge of you You know,
trying to find the, the balance between being,
approaching a woman in a genuine way,
not being too pushy, but because you, obviously no guy wants to look desperate.
You wanna look like you've got your life together, like you're in control, you're confident.
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You don't want her to think you're weak. In a way, there are two different questions in your question.
I will address.
So the first one is we need to understand that there are significant anatomical
differences between men and women.
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We create different hormones at different times and in different doses, sorry.
And also we so we different things
are important for us so a man can be ready for example let's
just talk about sex men can be ready to have sex like this
right he's just thinking about sex or
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woman boobies or whatever and he's like most
men will be like okay i'm ready so men
is john gray that says you know
that men need that
physical to get in contact with with their feelings
but for a woman is completely different a
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woman has connected to her feelings in
order to be ready for sex because for most
women okay except the ones who
live primarily in their masculine energy right but
most women will feel very vulnerable
to let a man in oh definitely so it's
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not just that the penetration in itself
it is the letting in so now that i'm you know trusting to open my legs to you
it's the opening of the legs it's actually a symbol of i'm letting you more in into a much deeper.
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You know, for some women, sacred place.
And men don't really understand that because for most men it's not the same.
They're not letting someone in. They're actually going out, right? So, yeah.
A woman, most women will be needing some reassurance that before I'm opening up to you, right?
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Symbolically put, open the legs and emotionally to let you in.
I need to make sure that you are worthy of that. I can trust you.
You can take care of me as in, even in that moment, right?
You are someone, you can handle me, my emotions, you know?
(20:02):
My everything the whole package yeah so
women need more time because they
want that reassurance that if i let you in i'm not gonna get hurt right where
men are looking at that very differently like i just like that and i want it
and i wanted to make it mine now whatever that is it's a it It becomes a bit of a target.
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And without understanding how much more sensitivity a woman carries and vulnerability,
they can stomp on their feet very easy, very quickly, and think,
oh, she's just not really capable.
And there are a lot of women who feel like in order for them to keep a man,
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they have to. They have to just have sex.
They have to. so it's an easy thing or women who are just so sex-oriented it's
so important to them and they don't care about the emotional connection they
can just go out there and just have it so in a way.
That's you know freedom that we have not to just you know have sex whatever
one we want without consequences as it used to be as the dynamic on how men
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now kind of expect it you know and And sometimes might consider a woman too
difficult. Oh, I don't want this.
If it's targeted just on having sex.
And women feel that pressure of like, I don't want to, like, I'm not ready.
You haven't given me enough reassurance.
That's it. And something I've heard, like, for like I'm hearing about a lot
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of women is the fact that they feel pressured to have it and they don't know
the guy well enough. and they feel like they're being used.
They feel like, oh, this guy only wants me for my physicality as opposed to me as a person.
So they need to see that you are committed and that you actually gently want
to be with them. You're not here to play games. You're not here to take advantage.
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You actually do want to be with them. Most women, they want commitment.
They don't want a one-night stand.
It is. They just don't know how to ask for it. They don't know how to ask for it.
So because they don't understand the differences between the two,
they think that if she doesn't want it it's because she's not attracted to him,
attraction grows more for a woman the more time she spends with the guy and
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the guy is fulfilling her needs so so.
Where men are more visual and they're going to be like, oh, I like her.
I want her. A man hits a target. It could be anything.
It could be a meal. It could be the bear killing the bear, right?
It could be a promotion, pay rise.
Like when he decides he wants it, you know, he will go for it.
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Unless he has some fears or some wounds, right?
You will go for it. And sex is no different.
And a woman doesn't have that. That a woman has sex with a man to connect more
to him, to experience more, to create more intimacy.
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And she doesn't get why he's in such a rush.
And he's not getting why she needs all this time. I mean, all the other women
are like, fine to have sex right away.
You either like me or you don't like me. So you don't like me because you don't want to have sex with me.
Okay, goodbye. vibe so there's a lot of misreading i
feel definitely and
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i think you really hit the nail on the head in terms
of women wanting to connect with the
man as opposed to just making it sexual and i guess
as men our focus should be
more on building the relationship than what it is focusing on
the physical side of things and if we can really build
that and connection and really get to know the other
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the the woman that we're interested in and we actually
put effort into it and the woman sees hey
this guy's different he's not just here to you
know get in my pants he actually really wants to get to
know me and that makes a big difference it does but the problem is is all you
have some people that are now ready to commit to a relationship they don't want
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what what it's called like the burden of a relationship they don't want to get
serious they don't want to to be in a relationship,
but they can still be nice and curious and treat the woman right.
But then that's very confusing for a woman because, and the guy could be quite
nice. It's a very silver line.
It's very hard to navigate. Well, if I'm being nice and accommodating and take
(24:37):
care of her needs, but I don't want the relationship for whatever reason,
I'm not ready for the commitment, financial commitment, one commitment.
I want to explore life, whatever, what it is. There's nothing wrong with that.
But that's very hard to understand for a woman, right?
She's going to keep hoping that, okay, he'll change his mind because he's so
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nice and accommodating and he's taking care of my needs.
So what's wrong with me? Why doesn't he want a long-term relationship?
Because the woman is always looking for safety.
If she's in a relationship, she has a protector. Someone is going to be there
having her back, protecting her. Men don't need that.
Man is just looking for a source of warmth, affection, someone that he can come home to, to just unwind.
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And women don't quite get that.
And it becomes a bit confusing to navigate. So what I advise on the time is
like, if a man tells you he's not ready to enter an exclusivity or a committed relationship,
believe him, even if he's super nice.
You know, because he wants to be nice for you. He's a kind, generous person.
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He could be, you know, a man of his word and all of that, but he has the right,
that's who wants to move further, you know, and he doesn't have to treat you bad for that.
But most of the time when a woman finds someone who understands her and gets
her more of him and not having it creates quite a bit of misunderstanding, thinking, well,
(26:15):
there's something wrong with with her that he doesn't want
me particular and she can't quite get that he
might just simply be looking for purpose or prove
himself in the world to make money
or to have a certain status or develop some skills yeah good good point and
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you know it's obviously Obviously we have different seasons of life and sometimes
men aren't looking for the commitment. They're just...
If that's the case, well, then the woman, maybe she needs to understand that and make a decision.
Okay, do I want to keep spending time with this person if it's not going to
(26:57):
be a committed relationship or do I need to move on?
100%. Is this person having the same goals as me?
It's a question that most women don't necessarily ask themselves.
They just, a man too, I spoke with a man, what was it, two days ago,
I think, or yesterday, And he married a woman who treated who he was at the
(27:22):
time, you know, but long term,
he had some ambitions.
He like wanted to create something with his life.
You know, he found himself for a long time in a marriage where she was not prepared
to go in the same direction.
She didn't have the same goals. He doesn't prepare to do anything towards his goals.
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So then you get that disconnection about wanting different things and not feeling.
So even if there is chemistry, when there is some connection.
There'll be a whole bunch of resentment with that as well because of the mismatching
in goals and direction in life.
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Absolutely. And once you realize that the, I guess the limitations outweigh
the benefits, well, then maybe that's a sign that it's not the right relationship.
But if there are more benefits than limitations, well, maybe it's worth a shot to try and make it work.
Yeah. Why not? Absolutely. A hundred percent. Yeah. And I have another question
(28:27):
that I wanted to ask about.
You mentioned about men wanting to have success, wanting to achieve,
wanting to do something with their life.
And i think when it
comes to that men wanting that it's like
it's it's a sacrifice for them to to do that and they're not necessarily going
(28:49):
to be ready to commit but at the same time i've sort of gotten a bit of a bit
of a tangent here but you don't want a man who's secure in himself So women
want a man who knows what he wants,
who's confident and who's strong, who's a protector, like you say.
But what happens if the, like, is money and status the be all and end all?
(29:14):
Like, how much of a part does that play in choosing a man, like your career and your status?
So it's very misunderstood and, you know, fair enough, like it's misused as well. So...
The desire for a woman to be with a man who has status or a certain minimum,
(29:36):
like a stable financial situation comes again from like the condition that she
needs for herself to feel safe.
So I'm going to open up, I'm going to give you my love.
And I need to know that if I'm co-creating with you a family, kids, right?
So I'm going to, if I'm, when I'm having kids, I'm going to be very vulnerable.
(29:59):
Because I'm not going to just be responsible for myself, but also for my kids.
And I'm not going to be able to do all the things that I normally do because I also have this.
Right. So I'm in a very vulnerable place. So I want to make sure that when I'm
doing that, okay, you can still provide for us.
(30:19):
And some women have, you know, a variety of standards.
Some are realistic, some are not, you know. And it's a lot of conditioning in there as well.
Right. It comes from the older times as well when, you know,
a man had to be able to take care of the family, right, the woman.
And that can come in many ways. But nowadays, you know, so if a woman might
(30:44):
be indoctrinated by the fact that, okay, you know, you have to find someone
with money, for example.
She doesn't see the downside of that.
Okay, the downside of that being that she will be dependent on that man when it comes to money.
And now that man might have different things that are important for him,
(31:07):
and he might not understand her needs all the time, and might not be willing
to spend money on some of the things that she wants, right?
So now she's completely dependent. So they're not seeing the flip side of the
coin, but they need to compromise on their values, close their own values because
they are completely depending on the man.
(31:29):
And it's just a, you know, it's a traditional gender role, you know,
based relationship where men are doing this, women are doing that.
They're happy with that, but they don't understand what's the price that they're paying for it.
So the whole idea of
why this is happening is because one conditioning
(31:51):
okay that make sure like parents want to
make sure that okay this guy can take care of my daughter
absolutely you gotta look for
that guy the best in the pack the best in
the pack meaning certain qualities he comes
with certain gifts certain or certain
criteria and same as a man a man might look at
(32:13):
a woman for certain criteria is she warm is
she affectionate is she open is she smiling is
she you know can can she hold
herself you know can she take care of me if i'm wounded if not in the best place
all the time right well she still loves me and so they are also looking for
(32:38):
for certain qualities in a woman,
and not every woman has it, right?
Depending on her background.
So they're holding against sometimes each other, like, well,
you're not this and you're not that.
But really, sometimes we're not really, each one of us is not something in some
(33:00):
way for the other, unless you get a person and you can.
So the importance of the status and the money for a woman comes from,
again, a sense of safety. and some women have really high standards.
Like if I'm going to be with you, you know, I want to make sure that you can
create for me this lifestyle that I want.
(33:22):
And that means, I don't know, Botox fashion designers and I don't know,
sports cars and whatever, you know, you don't have to choose that woman.
There are many beautiful women out there and kind and nice that don't have those standards,
but they're men that are attracted adapted to providing
that for a woman i think on
(33:44):
that note on that note with that question like
about standards and you know when
a guy is looking to attract someone sometimes they're pursuing someone who has
really high standards and sometimes i think well are their standards too high
or are they just you know this is this is what they want but like sometimes
(34:07):
i do feel like the standards are too high. Is that the case?
Right. It depends.
Some men might go for women who are highly desirable and they have this innate
desire to make her peace because she's so wanted by so many other people.
So you'll want to offer more or give, and she can choose, right,
(34:30):
based on her own criteria.
But...
I think ultimately you need to really understand what's important to you.
So are you the guy who wants the woman who is going to pick you out of all these other 15 other guys?
And then you have to obviously beat the competition somehow.
(34:53):
It could be leadership skills, decisiveness, kindness, understanding,
lots of money or cars or traveling or whatever.
That you decided or you could
go for someone who is aligned
with your values you might be a more down to earth guy
and value different things like being
(35:15):
in nature going camping so understanding
yourself will support to understand who
you can pick and the way you can find
her as well which is what i'm doing my one-on-one coaching
or my group program love map is focused on
discovering covering yourself what is it that you want rather
than just go there you know hunting so
(35:37):
to speak not hunting but like exploring without
having awareness of where you're going what you're doing who
you're looking for like if you go hunting for a
certain animal you're gonna need a certain type of tool or gun or whatever right
or if you're working you know in the garden you again need certain tools so
(35:58):
you need to really understand yourself before you start to open that you know.
Journey or going to find someone because most
of the time people are looking for chemistry and connection but
that's going to disappear very quickly if you don't have to treat each other
and help to have a healthy relationship yep such a great answer and yeah what
(36:23):
you say is so true and there was something that I was going to add to that I've
forgotten but I'll move on,
to maybe the final question when it comes to picking a partner there's this I guess catch 22 of,
you know, they look so do they, they, I mean, is it about having the right heart,
(36:46):
the right personality, or is it more about having, you know,
really good looks, being attractive?
Like there's this saying, you know, look, looks went over the eyes,
personality wins over the heart.
So the question is in regards to just want to make sure I understand the question correctly.
So what does it matter more looks or.
(37:07):
Yeah. Looks or, or having the right, I guess, heart. Well, I guess it really
depends, again, on each person's needs, right?
So some people are more focused on the outside package, you know?
Some people, so if you were to, you need to understand who is the right person for you, right?
(37:30):
So if physique, like how the person looks like, then obviously that's going
to, you know, be what's going to drive you towards someone.
One if it's kind of me for example i pick my
partner because of how he shows up for
me and the way how i feel next to him so ask
yourself like okay if i'm next to this person
(37:51):
the fact that he looks like this or she looks like
this is gonna make me feel a certain way and that's
how i want to feel what else do i need to
you know this person to do or be
in order for me to you know
feel how i want to feel so for me it was really important to
feel loved to feel seen heard understood
(38:14):
to be with someone who can
validate my feelings to be with someone that
i can rely on to be with someone that can take the decisions and take me places
and and you know take the leadership but also allow me to express so the looks
you know like yes uh they are important but they're definitely not, you know.
(38:39):
100% like i'm not just going for the looks i
don't want you to think i'm going for i've
been going for ugly people some that and what's ugly or what's beautiful like
each individual responds differently right for me i love people with green or
blue eyes you know it's my partner it's very nice so i respond to that when
(39:00):
you might like brown eye i don't know it doesn't matter like Like,
so it's so relative, understanding really,
like doing that process of exploration.
There's no one answer fits all.
Understanding what's important to you right now.
There are women who really need a loving guy because they have never experienced that before.
And there are women who need a masculine guy, someone that can like stand up
(39:27):
because they're very strong and very like strong will.
And they might think, oh, I want a masculine guy,
okay, who is going to like really be able to handle me, but they don't understand
that might not be necessarily what is not a good match because if they are very
strong and this other guy is strong, they're two,
most of the time, two strong willed people and it can create a lot of like conflict. Oh, definitely.
(39:53):
So understanding that, like what will actually fit, you know, What is a relationship?
I'm asking the women in my group program, what is the relationship that you
want? What do you see yourself doing?
What do you see yourself experiencing?
Go in detail and really see that. And then tell me who is the man that fits that relationship?
(40:18):
Because not every man, like if you want to spend time with family,
doing barbecues, And you might not, you know, fit a certain number of people, okay?
Because if it's someone that, for example, it's a coach, you know,
like I work Saturdays and Saturdays as well sometimes, okay?
So I might not have time for the barbecues or the whole family environment.
(40:42):
So understanding like what is it that I want to experience in this relationship
will support you understand who is the person that fits you in.
But you have to have the knowledge to know what questions to ask, which is what I'm doing.
That's why I'm helping people, you know, helping them explore by asking,
you know, certain questions that create certain answers and awareness with it.
(41:05):
And then when they go out there, they can see it.
So then now, you know, what you want to experience, you know, who fits into that.
And now you also have clarity where you can find it.
So you're not just going based on how you're feeling in the moment,
because when you go based on how you feel on a few dates, the problem with that
is that a feeling can go like this. Mm-hmm.
(41:27):
And once that feeling is gone, you are dealing with a whole bunch of other stressors.
You know, you want to shut down, you retaliate, you like feel misunderstood,
resentful, frustrated, irritable, and all that sort of stuff that,
you know, just cascades into like more yeah-ness into the relationship.
So the worst thing that you can do is to go just based, go into a relationship
(41:52):
just based on how you are feeling in a moment. And, you know,
just notice the consistency in it.
Wow. It's incredible to see all the great questions we've asked and all the
great responses you've given, Christina.
Davey, it's been such an honor to have you on the Will to Win show. show.
(42:15):
And I feel like you've really added a ton of value and single people,
couples, a lot of, I guess, I'd say value and wisdom from what you've shared today.
So thank you so much. And before you do say goodbye, also mention how we can
(42:36):
get in contact with you on the socials. Sure.
So Christina Davey, Christina, no H and D-A-V-Y, you know, just look me up dating
and relationship coach located in Sydney.
I do a single once a month. The next one is on the 1st of March.
I look forward to see you all there.
And yeah, I'll put a free call to everyone, you know, just to get to know you,
(43:00):
understand, you know, some of your challenges or struggles and just give you a little bit of a lift.
So the easiest way, just look up Christina Navy and yeah, on Facebook,
LinkedIn, Instagram, and a little bit, I just started on TikTok too. So much, Christina.
Thank you for listening to the Will to Win. I hope today's episode was overflowing with that.
(43:23):
Music.
Music.
(00:07):
Welcome to The Will To Win, where emerging entrepreneurs come to learn the best
tips, strategies, and techniques to unlock their potential and become more successful.
Music.
I'm your host, Steve Scarni, and each week I will bring on the most incredible
guests who are going to share their own unique stories, knowledge,
wisdom, and insights about how they've been able to close the gap between failure and success,
(00:30):
and then go on to live a life of greatness.
Here at The Will To Win, we are dedicated to educating and inspiring you to
be able to maximize your potential and make what seems impossible, totally possible.
(00:50):
Christina, Davey, welcome to The Will To Win show, episode nine.
It's so great to have you on the show to speak about the ins and outs of dating
in the 2020 first century.
Steve, it's so great to be here. Thank you so much for inviting me and thank
you for the opportunity of sharing the knowledge that I have and also obviously
(01:14):
share with your audience as well. It is so great to be here.
I'm really glad to hear that. And you've got quite a bit of experience in,
I guess, dating relationship world, helping people be able to find their soulmate
and really be able to have the life they want,
like to have a meaningful life, not just by themselves, but with someone truly special.
(01:39):
So tell us a little bit about your background in what you do.
So it's really my own journey that got me on this path.
It's so interesting how I was facing my own challenges.
And then it was out of
the desire of having a healthy relationship that
I start to invest invest in myself and attend a variety
(01:59):
of programs and as you do you know you
end up doing an NLP training hypnosis you
know training and you end up you know
a coaching program and you want to end up doing a relationship program and then
I just I just discovered this passion for knowing and and understanding men
(02:20):
and women you know and and the differences between them so it was my own knowledge
that took me into that direction.
And I never really planned to become a dating.
So the ultimate goal is not to become a dating and relationship coach,
but rather it was thirst for knowledge to support myself and start coaching
(02:42):
people for depression and anxiety.
I realized that most of them had a lot of relationship problems.
So I started helping Helping people move from a breakup, move from an ex-boyfriend.
And I was supporting them one-on-one and they were getting so empowered and
so like free and independent and thriving on so many aspects of their life.
(03:06):
But I realized that when it came to dating, so they were lacking the skill.
So I thought, well, why not applying everything that I have learned and really
put the knowledge of what I know I think it will support them and create my own program.
So I have created Love Map out of desire to, you know, it was to know,
(03:28):
you know, things for myself that was knowledge to actually support them.
And initially it was going to stay just as a one-on-one thing.
But when I noticed the impact that it had, you know, with my clients and I decided,
you know, I'm just going to actually make it this as a group program.
So it really, you know, took off and yeah, it's just been a beautiful trip.
(03:50):
And as I said, I will have never, if you have asked me, you know,
when I divorced, hey, Christina, what are you going to do in life later on?
You know, I've never thought, you know, I will become a dating and relationship
coach because I didn't feel like I had any expertise.
But exploring, you know, everything for myself and attending a variety of programs
(04:14):
have got me here and willingness to help others.
Well, that's fantastic. fantastic christina like
you've come such a long way as a dating coach for your own personal experiences
that drove you to be this person that really gives hope to people who are looking
for that special someone and we may as well go into the take a dive into the questions and,
(04:39):
ask you some really good questions
that will help people in their journey
towards finding love love so one question
that comes to mind is when you're single
and you're looking for that special someone let's say
i'm a guy and i'm trying to attract a woman or the right woman what are the
(05:02):
kind of qualities that some of the qualities that women desire in a man that
really stand out great question steve and actually most women don't even realize
that's what they're looking for me when i Sorry.
That's okay. The dog is trying to join in too.
Adios, of course. Some of, most ladies actually don't even really know what they're looking for.
(05:24):
So when I ask, what are you looking for in a man?
They say, well, I'm looking for someone I can trust. I'll look for someone that's honest.
So they are actually listing, you know, some values that are great,
but they're not actually really the essence of what they really need.
So a woman is looking for a man who is decisive, who is a leader, a man who is a protector.
(05:50):
Man, that can keep her safe. So protection meaning not just,
you know, if somebody comes at you, I'm just going to punch him.
But rather like, you know, anything, it's so different to be a woman.
You know, safety is not really a concern for a man.
But women have been a prey, really, you know, since the beginning of being a woman, right?
(06:12):
So they are viewed as weaker. And in most instances, we don't have the same
kind of strong body, you know, as a man, right? It's a completely different build.
And just our natural nature, way of being is not one of competitiveness.
You know, we learn to become like that since we start to use more of our masculine energy.
(06:36):
But women are really really
looking it's someone a leader someone who is inspiring them
to what they what he does you know one who is reliable as well that if you say
something you do that or at least like you're working towards it so show me
(06:58):
signs right and then more and more women are really,
really braving the transparency, you know, in communication.
So transparency, meaning I'm willing to share and include you in what I'm going through.
(07:18):
Absolutely. It's a hand to, you know, solve the problem inwards first.
So they go into their caves and they don't understand how a woman can be quite excluded.
And she doesn't understand because women solve problems by talking and sharing
with others. That's right.
To community and men don't do that. So it's very hard for a woman to really understand.
(07:43):
Even if they heard about the concept, oh, he needs cave time,
they don't really understand the importance.
And men don't understand why he needs to share with women their struggles because
it's not cool to share struggles with a woman because then I might look weak.
But that's not how it goes in men's world.
(08:04):
World right so we are
transitioning more now to a world where
men and women understand that they have masculine and feminine energy and they
can be more like men or more like one such yeah such a profound insight and
yet there definitely is a switch taking place where men i believe are starting to realize that,
(08:30):
hey, maybe I do need to open up.
Maybe it's not so bad to share my emotions after all.
And there's not really any shame in it. And being able to let go and share your troubles,
your challenges with your partner or your wife, it's critical to the sustainability
of that relationship and working because if you don't work through the pain,
(08:55):
the struggles, like that relationship is going to end up.
In conflict but yeah what what is your take on that
i think that you know
usually a partner will know that something
is not right because your energy is changing how you're showing up are you more
in your head you're more you know thinking you you're not present even if your
(09:19):
body's there you might be in your head and like completely missing some things
that are really important so So partner will anyway sense that.
So by not sharing what's going on, they're going to come up with their own story.
And most of the time, their own story is going to be much, much worse than what they're experiencing.
(09:41):
So you're putting yourself at risk of distancing,
and creating a gap with the other partner where if you actually will be willing
to share Share with that person, and not from a wound, but share the struggle
from an empowered state.
I have a problem I'm dealing with right now. It could be about work,
(10:02):
about my business, about my kids, about whatever, what it is.
And I'm trying to work through to understand what this is, you know,
and find a solution to it.
So could you give me some time to look into this more, and then I'll come to
you when I'm ready to share.
(10:22):
So you are including them, you are communicating, you are confirming,
hey, this is not about you, this is something I can wait.
So it's a reassurance for the other partner.
And then...
You're also placing some boundaries, but rather like a request.
Can I solve this on my own? Because men, it's important for them to solve it on their own, right?
(10:47):
So can I solve this amount? And then when I'm ready, I'm coming back to you.
And, you know, from time to time checking in with her and letting her know,
hey, you know, I'm still working on this.
I'm thinking, so give her something so she knows that, okay, you made some progress.
So you didn't make some progress. Because otherwise she will feel pushed away and she'll shut down.
(11:09):
And if you have a shut down woman on your hands, that's completely different.
Yeah, that's chaos. It's a completely different approach that you've got to come up with.
That's most important. and I think the
(11:30):
other thing is like not as a man we want to tell the woman what to do give her
the solutions and often that's not what they want all they want is for you to
listen and acknowledge them and if you can do that your relationship will be much better off,
so they need you yeah absolutely 100% I agree with that so they need to you
(11:53):
they need the male or someone to listen so they can be heard when they feel
heard they feel understood so when we hit them with solution which might not
be according to their own values or needs then,
they're gonna feel like you didn't get them so they're gonna come and explain
you start the beginning from the beginning again and explain you the whole story
(12:17):
that you just heard that's not fun,
You hope you're going to understand. You're not listening to me.
And the man is like, well, you already told me this. Why are you telling me
this again? And she's like, well, because you didn't understand me.
That's what she's thinking. So if you actually listen and pay attention to her
(12:37):
feelings and validate her feelings,
you don't have to agree with the story, but just validate her feelings.
I can see you're upset and this is
so upsetting right so then she
feels like oh he gets me right so now
(12:58):
she feels resolved because you get her and you're holding space for her and
you invalidate her feelings so now she's like oh so she's all loving because
she's resolving what she's feeling through the talking and she's open to you
and she's like all smiling and happy Oh, that's perfect.
(13:19):
Get the affection that you want and the warmth and the openness and the laughter
and the smiles and the looking into your eyes an open-hearted woman which is
beautiful oh definitely.
So yeah really great response and we might move on to a new question such as
like when if you're a guy and you know you're looking around you're trying to
(13:45):
find the right partner you're trying trying to stand out from the crowd,
what are some things that,
from a woman's perspective, that you would suggest that a man could do to really
stand out and get the attention of a woman that he is interested in?
The number one thing that comes to mind is get to know her.
Be curious. Don't just apply some generalized stuff that you heard from your friends or just books.
(14:13):
I mean, it's good to have knowledge and skill, right?
So I'm not saying don't read. about relationships or dating or women or but
actually be present so be present with her.
And second get to know her you
know actually ask questions about her and
(14:34):
ask questions not just for the sake of
conversation but actually you know ask her
what she likes what she loves doing what lights
up her fire you know inside her you
know what helps so feel connected right so
ask questions that will lead the conversation
(14:54):
towards whatever what you want to experience you
know like so even if
you ask something as you know simple as
what food do you like that's going to give
you information on how you can please her if you
can please a woman and make her happy she's going
to stay open to you just going to want to give
(15:14):
more and spend more time with you because you make her
feel happy so making someone
happy meaning like you understand their needs and something to fulfill them
so if she likes thai food right and you just ask that and she tells you and
the next time you're like hey how about we go out for thai she's like oh i love that, right?
(15:39):
And then she'll be like, oh, he gets me. I'll add that to my list of strategies.
Yeah. So be present,
And get to know her. Okay. But don't be like, like, don't be like a cop,
you know, just, just slowly, you know, to the conversation,
(16:01):
you know, ask questions and she will like that, you know, and of course,
always make compliments, but not over the top.
Just notice, like, I love this dress on you.
Right. Something just, you don't need to say five things at once.
Just one thing, you know, and eye contact.
Your hair looks really lovely today. I love the way you're taking care of you.
(16:26):
That's going to be music to her ears. So she's going to be like,
oh, he noticed that I took an hour and a half to get ready.
And I went down my hair and my nails and, you know, like he's noticing me.
So she's going to start feeling seen.
Absolutely. That's, yeah, such a great insight.
(16:47):
And as a as
a guy often we try to rush
into things and sometimes we
put too much pressure on the woman we rush them and they don't like that some
and that can often cause them to pull away and go oh this guy's desperate and
there's a lot of talk you know in the mainstream about oh don't be desperate
(17:09):
don't try too hard like what's your take on this you know this challenge of you You know,
trying to find the, the balance between being,
approaching a woman in a genuine way,
not being too pushy, but because you, obviously no guy wants to look desperate.
You wanna look like you've got your life together, like you're in control, you're confident.
(17:32):
You don't want her to think you're weak. In a way, there are two different questions in your question.
I will address.
So the first one is we need to understand that there are significant anatomical
differences between men and women.
(17:53):
We create different hormones at different times and in different doses, sorry.
And also we so we different things
are important for us so a man can be ready for example let's
just talk about sex men can be ready to have sex like this
right he's just thinking about sex or
(18:14):
woman boobies or whatever and he's like most
men will be like okay i'm ready so men
is john gray that says you know
that men need that
physical to get in contact with with their feelings
but for a woman is completely different a
(18:35):
woman has connected to her feelings in
order to be ready for sex because for most
women okay except the ones who
live primarily in their masculine energy right but
most women will feel very vulnerable
to let a man in oh definitely so it's
(18:55):
not just that the penetration in itself
it is the letting in so now that i'm you know trusting to open my legs to you
it's the opening of the legs it's actually a symbol of i'm letting you more in into a much deeper.
(19:16):
You know, for some women, sacred place.
And men don't really understand that because for most men it's not the same.
They're not letting someone in. They're actually going out, right? So, yeah.
A woman, most women will be needing some reassurance that before I'm opening up to you, right?
(19:41):
Symbolically put, open the legs and emotionally to let you in.
I need to make sure that you are worthy of that. I can trust you.
You can take care of me as in, even in that moment, right?
You are someone, you can handle me, my emotions, you know?
(20:02):
My everything the whole package yeah so
women need more time because they
want that reassurance that if i let you in i'm not gonna get hurt right where
men are looking at that very differently like i just like that and i want it
and i wanted to make it mine now whatever that is it's a it It becomes a bit of a target.
(20:27):
And without understanding how much more sensitivity a woman carries and vulnerability,
they can stomp on their feet very easy, very quickly, and think,
oh, she's just not really capable.
And there are a lot of women who feel like in order for them to keep a man,
(20:49):
they have to. They have to just have sex.
They have to. so it's an easy thing or women who are just so sex-oriented it's
so important to them and they don't care about the emotional connection they
can just go out there and just have it so in a way.
That's you know freedom that we have not to just you know have sex whatever
one we want without consequences as it used to be as the dynamic on how men
(21:15):
now kind of expect it you know and And sometimes might consider a woman too
difficult. Oh, I don't want this.
If it's targeted just on having sex.
And women feel that pressure of like, I don't want to, like, I'm not ready.
You haven't given me enough reassurance.
That's it. And something I've heard, like, for like I'm hearing about a lot
(21:41):
of women is the fact that they feel pressured to have it and they don't know
the guy well enough. and they feel like they're being used.
They feel like, oh, this guy only wants me for my physicality as opposed to me as a person.
So they need to see that you are committed and that you actually gently want
to be with them. You're not here to play games. You're not here to take advantage.
(22:01):
You actually do want to be with them. Most women, they want commitment.
They don't want a one-night stand.
It is. They just don't know how to ask for it. They don't know how to ask for it.
So because they don't understand the differences between the two,
they think that if she doesn't want it it's because she's not attracted to him,
attraction grows more for a woman the more time she spends with the guy and
(22:25):
the guy is fulfilling her needs so so.
Where men are more visual and they're going to be like, oh, I like her.
I want her. A man hits a target. It could be anything.
It could be a meal. It could be the bear killing the bear, right?
It could be a promotion, pay rise.
Like when he decides he wants it, you know, he will go for it.
(22:46):
Unless he has some fears or some wounds, right?
You will go for it. And sex is no different.
And a woman doesn't have that. That a woman has sex with a man to connect more
to him, to experience more, to create more intimacy.
(23:07):
And she doesn't get why he's in such a rush.
And he's not getting why she needs all this time. I mean, all the other women
are like, fine to have sex right away.
You either like me or you don't like me. So you don't like me because you don't want to have sex with me.
Okay, goodbye. vibe so there's a lot of misreading i
feel definitely and
(23:29):
i think you really hit the nail on the head in terms
of women wanting to connect with the
man as opposed to just making it sexual and i guess
as men our focus should be
more on building the relationship than what it is focusing on
the physical side of things and if we can really build
that and connection and really get to know the other
(23:51):
the the woman that we're interested in and we actually
put effort into it and the woman sees hey
this guy's different he's not just here to you
know get in my pants he actually really wants to get to
know me and that makes a big difference it does but the problem is is all you
have some people that are now ready to commit to a relationship they don't want
(24:13):
what what it's called like the burden of a relationship they don't want to get
serious they don't want to to be in a relationship,
but they can still be nice and curious and treat the woman right.
But then that's very confusing for a woman because, and the guy could be quite
nice. It's a very silver line.
It's very hard to navigate. Well, if I'm being nice and accommodating and take
(24:37):
care of her needs, but I don't want the relationship for whatever reason,
I'm not ready for the commitment, financial commitment, one commitment.
I want to explore life, whatever, what it is. There's nothing wrong with that.
But that's very hard to understand for a woman, right?
She's going to keep hoping that, okay, he'll change his mind because he's so
(24:59):
nice and accommodating and he's taking care of my needs.
So what's wrong with me? Why doesn't he want a long-term relationship?
Because the woman is always looking for safety.
If she's in a relationship, she has a protector. Someone is going to be there
having her back, protecting her. Men don't need that.
Man is just looking for a source of warmth, affection, someone that he can come home to, to just unwind.
(25:25):
And women don't quite get that.
And it becomes a bit confusing to navigate. So what I advise on the time is
like, if a man tells you he's not ready to enter an exclusivity or a committed relationship,
believe him, even if he's super nice.
You know, because he wants to be nice for you. He's a kind, generous person.
(25:49):
He could be, you know, a man of his word and all of that, but he has the right,
that's who wants to move further, you know, and he doesn't have to treat you bad for that.
But most of the time when a woman finds someone who understands her and gets
her more of him and not having it creates quite a bit of misunderstanding, thinking, well,
(26:15):
there's something wrong with with her that he doesn't want
me particular and she can't quite get that he
might just simply be looking for purpose or prove
himself in the world to make money
or to have a certain status or develop some skills yeah good good point and
(26:35):
you know it's obviously Obviously we have different seasons of life and sometimes
men aren't looking for the commitment. They're just...
If that's the case, well, then the woman, maybe she needs to understand that and make a decision.
Okay, do I want to keep spending time with this person if it's not going to
(26:57):
be a committed relationship or do I need to move on?
100%. Is this person having the same goals as me?
It's a question that most women don't necessarily ask themselves.
They just, a man too, I spoke with a man, what was it, two days ago,
I think, or yesterday, And he married a woman who treated who he was at the
(27:22):
time, you know, but long term,
he had some ambitions.
He like wanted to create something with his life.
You know, he found himself for a long time in a marriage where she was not prepared
to go in the same direction.
She didn't have the same goals. He doesn't prepare to do anything towards his goals.
(27:46):
So then you get that disconnection about wanting different things and not feeling.
So even if there is chemistry, when there is some connection.
There'll be a whole bunch of resentment with that as well because of the mismatching
in goals and direction in life.
(28:07):
Absolutely. And once you realize that the, I guess the limitations outweigh
the benefits, well, then maybe that's a sign that it's not the right relationship.
But if there are more benefits than limitations, well, maybe it's worth a shot to try and make it work.
Yeah. Why not? Absolutely. A hundred percent. Yeah. And I have another question
(28:27):
that I wanted to ask about.
You mentioned about men wanting to have success, wanting to achieve,
wanting to do something with their life.
And i think when it
comes to that men wanting that it's like
it's it's a sacrifice for them to to do that and they're not necessarily going
(28:49):
to be ready to commit but at the same time i've sort of gotten a bit of a bit
of a tangent here but you don't want a man who's secure in himself So women
want a man who knows what he wants,
who's confident and who's strong, who's a protector, like you say.
But what happens if the, like, is money and status the be all and end all?
(29:14):
Like, how much of a part does that play in choosing a man, like your career and your status?
So it's very misunderstood and, you know, fair enough, like it's misused as well. So...
The desire for a woman to be with a man who has status or a certain minimum,
(29:36):
like a stable financial situation comes again from like the condition that she
needs for herself to feel safe.
So I'm going to open up, I'm going to give you my love.
And I need to know that if I'm co-creating with you a family, kids, right?
So I'm going to, if I'm, when I'm having kids, I'm going to be very vulnerable.
(29:59):
Because I'm not going to just be responsible for myself, but also for my kids.
And I'm not going to be able to do all the things that I normally do because I also have this.
Right. So I'm in a very vulnerable place. So I want to make sure that when I'm
doing that, okay, you can still provide for us.
(30:19):
And some women have, you know, a variety of standards.
Some are realistic, some are not, you know. And it's a lot of conditioning in there as well.
Right. It comes from the older times as well when, you know,
a man had to be able to take care of the family, right, the woman.
And that can come in many ways. But nowadays, you know, so if a woman might
(30:44):
be indoctrinated by the fact that, okay, you know, you have to find someone
with money, for example.
She doesn't see the downside of that.
Okay, the downside of that being that she will be dependent on that man when it comes to money.
And now that man might have different things that are important for him,
(31:07):
and he might not understand her needs all the time, and might not be willing
to spend money on some of the things that she wants, right?
So now she's completely dependent. So they're not seeing the flip side of the
coin, but they need to compromise on their values, close their own values because
they are completely depending on the man.
(31:29):
And it's just a, you know, it's a traditional gender role, you know,
based relationship where men are doing this, women are doing that.
They're happy with that, but they don't understand what's the price that they're paying for it.
So the whole idea of
why this is happening is because one conditioning
(31:51):
okay that make sure like parents want to
make sure that okay this guy can take care of my daughter
absolutely you gotta look for
that guy the best in the pack the best in
the pack meaning certain qualities he comes
with certain gifts certain or certain
criteria and same as a man a man might look at
(32:13):
a woman for certain criteria is she warm is
she affectionate is she open is she smiling is
she you know can can she hold
herself you know can she take care of me if i'm wounded if not in the best place
all the time right well she still loves me and so they are also looking for
(32:38):
for certain qualities in a woman,
and not every woman has it, right?
Depending on her background.
So they're holding against sometimes each other, like, well,
you're not this and you're not that.
But really, sometimes we're not really, each one of us is not something in some
(33:00):
way for the other, unless you get a person and you can.
So the importance of the status and the money for a woman comes from,
again, a sense of safety. and some women have really high standards.
Like if I'm going to be with you, you know, I want to make sure that you can
create for me this lifestyle that I want.
(33:22):
And that means, I don't know, Botox fashion designers and I don't know,
sports cars and whatever, you know, you don't have to choose that woman.
There are many beautiful women out there and kind and nice that don't have those standards,
but they're men that are attracted adapted to providing
that for a woman i think on
(33:44):
that note on that note with that question like
about standards and you know when
a guy is looking to attract someone sometimes they're pursuing someone who has
really high standards and sometimes i think well are their standards too high
or are they just you know this is this is what they want but like sometimes
(34:07):
i do feel like the standards are too high. Is that the case?
Right. It depends.
Some men might go for women who are highly desirable and they have this innate
desire to make her peace because she's so wanted by so many other people.
So you'll want to offer more or give, and she can choose, right,
(34:30):
based on her own criteria.
But...
I think ultimately you need to really understand what's important to you.
So are you the guy who wants the woman who is going to pick you out of all these other 15 other guys?
And then you have to obviously beat the competition somehow.
(34:53):
It could be leadership skills, decisiveness, kindness, understanding,
lots of money or cars or traveling or whatever.
That you decided or you could
go for someone who is aligned
with your values you might be a more down to earth guy
and value different things like being
(35:15):
in nature going camping so understanding
yourself will support to understand who
you can pick and the way you can find
her as well which is what i'm doing my one-on-one coaching
or my group program love map is focused on
discovering covering yourself what is it that you want rather
than just go there you know hunting so
(35:37):
to speak not hunting but like exploring without
having awareness of where you're going what you're doing who
you're looking for like if you go hunting for a
certain animal you're gonna need a certain type of tool or gun or whatever right
or if you're working you know in the garden you again need certain tools so
(35:58):
you need to really understand yourself before you start to open that you know.
Journey or going to find someone because most
of the time people are looking for chemistry and connection but
that's going to disappear very quickly if you don't have to treat each other
and help to have a healthy relationship yep such a great answer and yeah what
(36:23):
you say is so true and there was something that I was going to add to that I've
forgotten but I'll move on,
to maybe the final question when it comes to picking a partner there's this I guess catch 22 of,
you know, they look so do they, they, I mean, is it about having the right heart,
(36:46):
the right personality, or is it more about having, you know,
really good looks, being attractive?
Like there's this saying, you know, look, looks went over the eyes,
personality wins over the heart.
So the question is in regards to just want to make sure I understand the question correctly.
So what does it matter more looks or.
(37:07):
Yeah. Looks or, or having the right, I guess, heart. Well, I guess it really
depends, again, on each person's needs, right?
So some people are more focused on the outside package, you know?
Some people, so if you were to, you need to understand who is the right person for you, right?
(37:30):
So if physique, like how the person looks like, then obviously that's going
to, you know, be what's going to drive you towards someone.
One if it's kind of me for example i pick my
partner because of how he shows up for
me and the way how i feel next to him so ask
yourself like okay if i'm next to this person
(37:51):
the fact that he looks like this or she looks like
this is gonna make me feel a certain way and that's
how i want to feel what else do i need to
you know this person to do or be
in order for me to you know
feel how i want to feel so for me it was really important to
feel loved to feel seen heard understood
(38:14):
to be with someone who can
validate my feelings to be with someone that
i can rely on to be with someone that can take the decisions and take me places
and and you know take the leadership but also allow me to express so the looks
you know like yes uh they are important but they're definitely not, you know.
(38:39):
100% like i'm not just going for the looks i
don't want you to think i'm going for i've
been going for ugly people some that and what's ugly or what's beautiful like
each individual responds differently right for me i love people with green or
blue eyes you know it's my partner it's very nice so i respond to that when
(39:00):
you might like brown eye i don't know it doesn't matter like Like,
so it's so relative, understanding really,
like doing that process of exploration.
There's no one answer fits all.
Understanding what's important to you right now.
There are women who really need a loving guy because they have never experienced that before.
And there are women who need a masculine guy, someone that can like stand up
(39:27):
because they're very strong and very like strong will.
And they might think, oh, I want a masculine guy,
okay, who is going to like really be able to handle me, but they don't understand
that might not be necessarily what is not a good match because if they are very
strong and this other guy is strong, they're two,
most of the time, two strong willed people and it can create a lot of like conflict. Oh, definitely.
(39:53):
So understanding that, like what will actually fit, you know, What is a relationship?
I'm asking the women in my group program, what is the relationship that you
want? What do you see yourself doing?
What do you see yourself experiencing?
Go in detail and really see that. And then tell me who is the man that fits that relationship?
(40:18):
Because not every man, like if you want to spend time with family,
doing barbecues, And you might not, you know, fit a certain number of people, okay?
Because if it's someone that, for example, it's a coach, you know,
like I work Saturdays and Saturdays as well sometimes, okay?
So I might not have time for the barbecues or the whole family environment.
(40:42):
So understanding like what is it that I want to experience in this relationship
will support you understand who is the person that fits you in.
But you have to have the knowledge to know what questions to ask, which is what I'm doing.
That's why I'm helping people, you know, helping them explore by asking,
you know, certain questions that create certain answers and awareness with it.
(41:05):
And then when they go out there, they can see it.
So then now, you know, what you want to experience, you know, who fits into that.
And now you also have clarity where you can find it.
So you're not just going based on how you're feeling in the moment,
because when you go based on how you feel on a few dates, the problem with that
is that a feeling can go like this. Mm-hmm.
(41:27):
And once that feeling is gone, you are dealing with a whole bunch of other stressors.
You know, you want to shut down, you retaliate, you like feel misunderstood,
resentful, frustrated, irritable, and all that sort of stuff that,
you know, just cascades into like more yeah-ness into the relationship.
So the worst thing that you can do is to go just based, go into a relationship
(41:52):
just based on how you are feeling in a moment. And, you know,
just notice the consistency in it.
Wow. It's incredible to see all the great questions we've asked and all the
great responses you've given, Christina.
Davey, it's been such an honor to have you on the Will to Win show. show.
(42:15):
And I feel like you've really added a ton of value and single people,
couples, a lot of, I guess, I'd say value and wisdom from what you've shared today.
So thank you so much. And before you do say goodbye, also mention how we can
(42:36):
get in contact with you on the socials. Sure.
So Christina Davey, Christina, no H and D-A-V-Y, you know, just look me up dating
and relationship coach located in Sydney.
I do a single once a month. The next one is on the 1st of March.
I look forward to see you all there.
And yeah, I'll put a free call to everyone, you know, just to get to know you,
(43:00):
understand, you know, some of your challenges or struggles and just give you a little bit of a lift.
So the easiest way, just look up Christina Navy and yeah, on Facebook,
LinkedIn, Instagram, and a little bit, I just started on TikTok too. So much, Christina.
Thank you for listening to the Will to Win. I hope today's episode was overflowing with that.
(43:23):
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