June 12, 2023 • 26 mins
Hope And Life After Grief with Dr. Parul Dua Makkar
How can we transform our grief into something meaningful and powerful? Join us for a heartfelt conversation with our special guest, Dr. Parul Dua Makkar, as she shares her journey of grief and finding meaning after the loss of her brother, Dr. Manu Dua, to oral cancer last year. Dr. Parul opens up about the unique challenges she faced during this time, from not being able to visit Manu during his treatment, to planning a funeral amidst the COVID-19 pandemic. Despite these hardships, she has turned her pain into a force for good by advocating for early diagnosis of oral cancer and educating dentists and patients alike.
In this episode, we explore the power of choice, forgiveness, and the beauty of connection, even when it's virtual. Dr. Makkar emphasizes the importance of transforming our narrative surrounding cancer and finding holistic approaches to healing. We also discuss how to celebrate and remember our loved ones, even though they are no longer with us physically. Through Dr. Makkar's story, we learn the importance of resilience, hope, and the power of turning pain into purpose. Join us on this emotional and inspiring journey, and let's find ways to turn our own pain into something truly meaningful.
Dr. Parul Dua Makkar's introductionDr. Parul Dua Makkar completed her Bachelor of Science from the University of Central Oklahoma in 1999, Magna Cum Laude, and then DDS from the University of Oklahoma College of Dentistry, in 2003. She practiced in Alberta, CA before moving to NY. Here she completed a GPR training at Staten Island University Hospital, in 2007 and has been in private practice since.
Currently, she is the owner of PDM Family Dental in Long Island, NY, a place she resides with her husband and 2 boys. Dr. Makkar's life took a different trajectory when she lost her only younger sibling, Dr. Manu Dua, to Oral Cancer last year. He was a Dentist as well. Since his death, she devotes her time to educating doctors and patients alike about risk factors, prevention and advocating for early diagnosis of Oral cancer. She has co-authored several Dental journals, has been presenting lectures to Dentists, and has been a guest at several podcasts, besides her own podcast. She believes oral care is the gateway to overall well-being and aims to have open conversations with her patients. Dr. Parul Dua Makkar has been featured in American, Canadian, and British Dental Journals. She is the recipient of the Denobi Awards 2022 as well as LI Excellence in Healthcare 2022, Power Woman of Long Island 2022, and has been awarded the Outstanding Women’s Achievement Award by Indian American Forum 2023 and named Healthcare Hero in May 2023. She has also co-authored the book ‘Life Interrupted, Dr. Dua’s Survival Guide’ which is a winner of CIPA EVVY Award for Motivational/Inspirational books.
Connect with Dr. Parul Dua Makkar
On her Instagram gallery: www.instagram.com/duagoodjob
On her website: www.parulduamakkar.com/book
By email: parul@parulduamakkar.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome to Uplift inspiring stories to uplift the world.
I am Gemma Serenity Gorokhoff, your host, and today, coming from Long Island, we have the honor of having Dr Parul Dua Makkar joining us.
Dr Parul Dua Makkar completed her bachelor of science from University of Central Oklahoma 1999, magna Cum Laude, and then BDS from University of Oklahoma College of Dentistry in 2003.
(00:33):
She practiced in Alberta, Canada, before moving to New York.
Here she completed a GPI, a general practice residency training at Staten Island University Hospital in 2007, and has been in private practice.
Currently she's the owner of PDM, her initial family dental in Long Island, New York, a place she resides with her husband and two boys.
(01:00):
Dr Makkar's life took a different trajectory when she lost her only and younger sibling, Dr Manu Dua, to oral cancer last year.
He was a dentist as well.
Since his death, she devotes her time to educating doctors and patients alike about risk factors, prevention and advocating for early diagnosis of oral cancer.
(01:22):
She has co-authored several dental journals, has been presenting lectures to dentists, and has been a guest on several podcasts.
Besides her own podcast, "Life Interrupted (01:29):
Dr Dua's Survival Guide Podcast"
She believes oral care is the gateway to overall well-being and aims to have open conversations with her patients.
Dr Parul Dua Makkar has been featured in the American, Canadian and British dental journals.
(01:50):
She is the recipient of the Denobi Award 2022, as well as Long Island Excellence in Health Care 2022.
She is a Power Woman of Long Island 2022 and has been awarded the Outstanding Women's Achievement Award by Indian American Forum 2023 and named Health Care Hero in May 23.
(02:11):
That's a big, big, big applause.
She has also co-authored the book Life Interrupted Dr Dua's Survival Guide, which is a winner of the Colorado Independent Publisher Award in the VVY Award for Motivational Institutional Books.
She can be reached at www.parulduamakkar.com and on Instagram at @duagoodjob
(02:33):
It's super simple.
Do a good job, Dua, which is her middle name.
Is that right?
Yes, yes, so do a good job, Dua, good job.
So that is the fastest way to find her Website parulduamakkar.com.
You can get her book if you go on the forward slash book on her website and you can also access her podcast directly on her media page on her website.
(03:06):
Dr. Parul Dua Makkar, I am so happy and grateful to have you today because we are uplifting the world with your story.
You have gone through hell and back when you lost your brother and I acknowledge that, but what you are doing with this pain is so amazing because you are turning it into a force for good to raise awareness, to bring people to become conscious of the risk and how to avoid it, about this oral cancer and probably a lot more than that, right?
(03:41):
So the question today is okay, how do you deal with grief?
It's an overwhelming feeling and by far you are not the only one, but you felt very much alone with you.
Absolutely.
Thank you, Gemma, for having me.
(04:01):
Yeah, it's just surreal.
And you know, actually, Manu passed away in 2021.
But when his cancer was going through the cancer return, he had another surgery and that was all during COVID.
I couldn't even travel to go see him during his treatment.
I couldn't travel for the funeral.
I couldn't travel when he was going through hospice until I got PCR results.
(04:23):
Like it wasn't easy because he lived in Canada and I lived in the US.
So we went through the toughest of times in the worst of circumstances, with the worst possible outcome.
And you know, because he was my younger brother, you never think that your younger sibling will go before you.
You expect them to outlive.
So it was a lot of grief in the sense of the reality, what's actually happening, and not comprehending it.
(04:50):
But having to deal with it at the same time And planning this funeral is just such a surreal experience.
That's like your body is just doing everything but your mind isn't processing it.
You're an autopilot and it takes a little bit of time before your mind realizes what your body's been through.
(05:11):
And that's when grief hits you like, oh my God, what just happened?
What's?
you know?
the gravity of the situation is surreal And that's the reason I felt alone was because my parents and my brother were in Canada and I live in New York, so the distance played a factor And you know you'll read in the book how we have traveled across the world.
(05:32):
So we never stayed in one place, so we didn't have that same common like.
I didn't have my grandparents around, I didn't have my cousins around, I didn't have my childhood friends around, people who had known Manu, you know from the younger years, so I could have somebody to share Manu stories with and sit and laugh and talk about stuff.
And that's why I created the podcast (05:52):
that's where I talked to Manu's inner circle of friends and the impact of cancer, their friendship, and that grief process that I wasn't able to attain in normal circumstances.
You know, you feel alone, like at the funeral.
You're supposed to be with your loved ones and we were during COVID and we were only allowed 20 people So your closest friends weren't there.
(06:19):
It was such a, it was on Zoom, so nobody was allowed to come into the house to give you a hug and sit with you because of COVID restrictions in Canada.
So it was such a tough time. And that's where the loneliness you know, became so much more than it was.
So yeah, it was, it was a lot, it's been devastating.
(06:41):
So, during COVID.
During the time, so many people passed away because of COVID.
My brother passed away because of all cancer, meaning that he probably also did not have all the attention and care he needed because everything was so scattered apart.
Everybody running and attending to all those COVID patients And he's like Yeah, I have something else to say.
(07:06):
As deadly as COVID No absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, and I feel lucky that I had the ability to see Manu.
You know a lot of people during this time weren't able to see their loved ones, weren't able to be at the funeral.
It's really definitely been challenging and nobody had answers as far as what's the right protocol of things, how to navigate.
(07:33):
There is no help that somebody's been through a pandemic and knows what to do.
And even for me to travel, I was doing it before my vaccine.
So that risk, would I contract COVID?
Would I pass it on to Manu, who's immunocompromised?
So I do consider myself lucky that I was able to make it to the funeral And I don't know a lot of people who haven't been able to afford that chance.
(07:56):
So I'm grateful for that.
But yes, it's been definitely a challenging time.
Thank you, yes, okay.
So the point today is really to give hope.
(08:19):
When you have written this survival guide, what are those survival tips or survival ideas that you convey?
So Manu wrote this series of blogs as he was facing mortality.
So I compiled them after his death. And he talks about knowing that he was 34 at the time of his death, and 33 at the time of diagnosis, so he knew his death was imminent and he had resigned to it.
(08:54):
He didn't have any anger or resentment And his survival guide is like how we are stronger the mind, body, and spirit have a remarkable capacity to heal, and we are all mortal beings, we're all going to die one day and not to be afraid of our deaths because it can be around the corner.
Nobody's promised a tomorrow.
(09:15):
But how we can remain immortal is by leaving something good behind in the world to remember you with And that can create this legacy or something to remember you with and leave you as immortal.
And how we can endure things, how we have failures in our lives, and it's okay to have failures.
The point is to learn from the failures and to rise above them, not keeping to repeat those mistakes again and again.
(09:42):
So that's the wisdom of our parents. And for me, the survival guide has been a way of healing because I was completing Manu's story, the story that he started that he couldn't finish because of his death.
But you know and I talk about grief, as in the cancer is gone, Manu is gone, his body is gone.
(10:05):
We cremated him, returned him to the elements of fire, earth, wind, and water and his soul is on another journey where Hindus are believed in.
So moving on.
But cancer still holds a table with us and our family because it's a constant reminder that Manu's not there and what took him away was cancer.
(10:27):
So you know the scars of surgery and chemo and radiation that Manu had?
We bear the unseen scars of grief and loneliness and you know this loss.
So cancer still sits and is a constant reminder and is still painful to us.
And you know this whole journey has been finding a way through, navigated.
(10:53):
And you know, as you said, I think grief is so challenging.
It's very hard sometimes to get out of it.
You have to go through the process and there were panic attacks I have felt that extreme loneliness, anger, resentment, all different emotions, sometimes just happy that I did have the time that I had with Manu, that I'm grateful that I had a sibling and now I'm an only child That's the name becomes a reminder.
(11:23):
But you know it's navigating through all those emotions and then you know, leaving something good.
And that's where I because this is my profession and it is oral cancer that maybe I couldn't save Manu, but with you know, awareness, bringing it to attention, to change the narrative, that more lives can be saved.
(11:47):
So I can't bring Manu back, but maybe I can change someone's life.
It's very powerful, very real.
I heard a lot of holistic approaches, another approach instead of radiation and chemo.
I know that we have some sort of amazing stories of surviving cancer and not going away with that.
(12:16):
We have those stories of instant, instant healing.
Suddenly It's like okay, yeah, there was something, there was no more and good, which is amazing, which is really amazing and does exist for real.
And I think that in this circumstance, with the pandemic not being able to touch each other and to remind each other, hey, you are loved, you are so important, but just to be able to, probably you said you were able to see him, but at a distance.
(12:50):
We zoomed.
But like a WhatsApp call.
When he went into hospice.
So he went into the hospital on Friday because he had some issues breathing.
Saturday he went into hospice. And my parents told me like and I was traveling a week later.
Anyways, I had a schedule trip, I had my compassion release paperwork from the government of Canada that enabled me to travel, otherwise you had to quarantine and there was that whole two week mandate.
(13:19):
So I had all my paperwork, I had everything.
I was coming.
But he went into hospice and my parents said you know, if you can make it, come, and he's not going to make it for a week, so come as soon as you can.
And I said sure, and the next day, on Sunday, I was told to say goodbye to him, just like you and I are talking, and I had to tell him Manu, it's okay to let go.
(13:45):
I could not do anything.
I couldn't get there fast enough.
I couldn't drive there.
I couldn't do anything because I had to wait.
The Canadian government needed a PCR result.
I said, can you change that?
Like?
no, these other rules, you have to wait.
And I tried my hardest. But I had to say goodbye to him on a WhatsApp call.
(14:06):
I had to.
I was not there to help my parents, console or anything, hold them.
They're elderly.
They came home alone, left Manu to be taken to the morgue, so it was very challenging. And I got there a day late.
I got there on Monday.
He passed away Sunday night So as I was packing and getting on my flight for Monday, he was gone Yeah.
(14:36):
It's heartbreaking, but a policing part of it is really okay.
It feels daunting, it feels awful.
You see light, you see life, you see the good, you see forgiveness, you see the release.
(15:02):
Okay, you are allowed to go.
We all will go.
We will all go through that same portal.
That's the nature of life.
But choosing to see the good, choosing to read the goodness of being able to be together, being able to see each other, to recognize our own pain and to transcend it, this is what you have been doing so far, that's what I'm trying to do.
(15:41):
That's beautiful, that's truly beautiful.
I have no other choice.
Yes, you do have other choice and you chose life.
I chose life, and he chose life.
He fought till the end and he knew he was going to die.
He still chose to keep fighting with every treatment possible changing his diet, changing medications, trials, all sorts of things.
(16:11):
He chose life and I'm living.
I should choose life too.
Exactly. This is why I say, yeah, you totally do have the choice.
You have the choice of your answer.
You have the choice of your behavior.
You have the choice of your thoughts.
You have the choice of what you manifest.
You have the choice of the goodness you bring to others.
(16:32):
You have the choice to share your story or to breathe.
And you choose life.
You choose to transfer the knowledge, the acknowledgement of the pain, which is often just what is needed to actually get over it.
How can you get over the pain?
A knowledge sheet recognized it hurts and said I need hurt so much less.
(16:56):
Yeah, and that is the magic of the love you are giving to so many people, to Manu, actually, and to all his survivors, people who stay alive after him.
This is why there is this podcast, this is why there is this survival guide, this is why there is like, hey, we are not alone, we are all together.
(17:19):
Yes, in the name of Manu, but actually for each other.
Yeah, how beautiful.
I mean, that is beautiful.
Yes, you completely have the choice and you choose good.
Thank you.
Yeah, wow, it has been a tough journey and because I felt alone, I created Village, found people, reached out for help, because I think part of feeling alone or feeling sad is going out there and getting that.
(17:56):
You know, seeking it instead of going downwards.
And feeling going into a darkness is going towards the light, asking for help, taking a break, realizing what feelings that you are having and acknowledging them.
So acknowledging the sadness, not trying to be like no, no, no, everything is happy and everything is hunky-dory.
(18:17):
It is recognizing the good parts and it is recognizing the anger and letting those emotions get through instead of harboring them.
And then you know being more.
When you put everything together and you hold it in, it just bursts out like a volcano.
(18:38):
But if you let it trickle out by crying and screaming and going for a walk or going out or doing something, then it helps, that release and keeps you going.
It does It does.
I know one of our beloved guest speakers on the author's show will talk to a woman who went through 28 losses in two years.
(19:01):
My goodness Her and I'm not going to say her entire family, but some key people in her family plus close to one after the other, and her coping mechanism and her new way of living is back-backing go on the trail, connect to trees, connect back to the center, ground herself back in earth, like being grateful to be alive.
(19:33):
Yeah and share that goodness.
So true, so true, and this is exactly what you just mentioned.
Yeah, go for a walk, cry, scream, walk.
Okay, get it out.
Yeah, go, yeah, go back to nature.
You know, eventually it's all The circle of living and life and death and that's how I explained it to my young children at the time that That's what life is.
(20:02):
It's a circle and you just learned the lesson a little early.
But we all are going to die one day and like goes on, life will keep going.
It doesn't stop because a person stopped in your life.
Life will keep going, with or without you.
It's how you choose to live it that matters and that is probably the quote we're going to use from you Hahaha, that is very, very good.
(20:32):
Have a bookmark here.
Awesome.
Yes, absolutely.
Do you want to read to us a few words of that book?
Sure I Can read on any particular topic.
I have whole finding internal peace, mortality, new beginnings, hope is good for a place.
(20:56):
Oh, okay, I.
Will read in this chapter on hope.
Hope is one of the most beautiful things in life.
We often don't appreciate its beauty until we are placed in ugly, difficult situations Where all we are left with is hope.
(21:19):
Hope is one of the few emotions that we can that can make us or break us.
To lose hope in life is to lose the meaning of life, for it is the spiritual Fuel that guides us in this difficult world.
We have also differing concepts of hope and how it plays in our life.
Hope is an internal carrot that is dangled before us, and It is healthy for us to be such a way.
(21:43):
You see, humans have always believed in something greater than ourselves.
Some may argue that the pursuit of happiness is seeking Meaning beyond our own selves.
Hope provides us with easy to grasp Concept of something beyond, and the pursuit of such a concept provides us with the energy to pursue our life's goals.
What I have learned during these most difficult moments of my cancer treatment is that hope is the savior that gets us through our adversity, the differences.
(22:10):
I realized it mattered not whether what I hoped for actually will be fulfilled, but rather the hope that whatever pain and suffering I was forced to endure would be removed.
It mattered not only.
Perhaps the pain and suffering would be replaced by even more pain and suffering.
What mattered was that the point in time I needed an out-of-body experience to get me through those agonizing seconds, minutes, hours and days.
(22:35):
After suffering more physical and emotional pain than most of human beings should ever have to endure, it occurred to me that the only thing that saved me was hope.
I feel like what made the difference for me, that I used hope as a tool rather than a blinding saving grace, as most people use it, for.
I used hope daily as a crutch so I could limp out of whatever adversity came my way.
(22:57):
Hope is a tool we use emotionally and mentally.
Live to fight another day, i realized.
I realized So long as my mind could endure, the body would follow, and the only thing that got me through those dark days Was the hope that tomorrow would be a better day.
The secret is that we cannot go back and analyze it whether what we hoped for played out in the manner What we expected it to, but rather we have to be irrationally optimistic that, in this current moment, what we hope for will occur in the near future and ignore the realities of whether that would be feasible or not. End quote. Absolutely amazing.
(23:39):
Yeah that is really the essence of hope.
That's when you have hope, you have life.
When you lose hope, you have no reason to be alive anymore.
You have no, no, no, right.
Exactly, and whether it happens or not, you don't know.
It's just hoping and doing your best and hoping for the best.
(24:05):
And beyond hope there is that knowing that it's all going to be alright.
Yes, absolutely.
All right, Dr Parul, thank you so, so much for being here today.
(24:26):
Thank you for sharing that wisdom, sharing that experience.
It speaks to the heart of so many people, give them hope for a better future, give them hope to get over that grief period of time.
It's just a moment and Life continues and you learn to live differently than with the That you're used to.
(24:51):
But now it's okay.
That person is still here, but in spirit, meaning that you have to connect much more with your own spirit to that person.
For that animal own spirit, yes, they okay, we are still together and I'm going to continue in that life iteration.
And that's further notice.
(25:14):
Yeah, i mean where energy can't be created or destroyed, it's transferred right.
so it's not in the physical Realm that we see the person that we have lost, but they are there in spirit and you remember them and you, and as long as you remember them and think of them, you're not really gone, they're still there.
Exactly, exactly.
(25:34):
That's a, that's a beauty of each, even though it's hard.
Yeah, they are never fully completely gone.
If we forget them, yeah, then they are gone, but as long as we remember.
As long as we're good.
Yes.
Hmm, beautiful.
So today we have celebrated the life of Manu.
(25:55):
Thank you, thank you, wonderful, thank you so so much.
Have an amazing day, you too.
Welcome to Uplift inspiring stories to uplift the world.
I am Gemma Serenity Gorokhoff, your host, and today, coming from Long Island, we have the honor of having Dr Parul Dua Makkar joining us.
Dr Parul Dua Makkar completed her bachelor of science from University of Central Oklahoma 1999, magna Cum Laude, and then BDS from University of Oklahoma College of Dentistry in 2003.
(00:33):
She practiced in Alberta, Canada, before moving to New York.
Here she completed a GPI, a general practice residency training at Staten Island University Hospital in 2007, and has been in private practice.
Currently she's the owner of PDM, her initial family dental in Long Island, New York, a place she resides with her husband and two boys.
(01:00):
Dr Makkar's life took a different trajectory when she lost her only and younger sibling, Dr Manu Dua, to oral cancer last year.
He was a dentist as well.
Since his death, she devotes her time to educating doctors and patients alike about risk factors, prevention and advocating for early diagnosis of oral cancer.
(01:22):
She has co-authored several dental journals, has been presenting lectures to dentists, and has been a guest on several podcasts.
Besides her own podcast, "Life Interrupted (01:29):
Dr Dua's Survival Guide Podcast"
She believes oral care is the gateway to overall well-being and aims to have open conversations with her patients.
Dr Parul Dua Makkar has been featured in the American, Canadian and British dental journals.
(01:50):
She is the recipient of the Denobi Award 2022, as well as Long Island Excellence in Health Care 2022.
She is a Power Woman of Long Island 2022 and has been awarded the Outstanding Women's Achievement Award by Indian American Forum 2023 and named Health Care Hero in May 23.
(02:11):
That's a big, big, big applause.
She has also co-authored the book Life Interrupted Dr Dua's Survival Guide, which is a winner of the Colorado Independent Publisher Award in the VVY Award for Motivational Institutional Books.
She can be reached at www.parulduamakkar.com and on Instagram at @duagoodjob
(02:33):
It's super simple.
Do a good job, Dua, which is her middle name.
Is that right?
Yes, yes, so do a good job, Dua, good job.
So that is the fastest way to find her Website parulduamakkar.com.
You can get her book if you go on the forward slash book on her website and you can also access her podcast directly on her media page on her website.
(03:06):
Dr. Parul Dua Makkar, I am so happy and grateful to have you today because we are uplifting the world with your story.
You have gone through hell and back when you lost your brother and I acknowledge that, but what you are doing with this pain is so amazing because you are turning it into a force for good to raise awareness, to bring people to become conscious of the risk and how to avoid it, about this oral cancer and probably a lot more than that, right?
(03:41):
So the question today is okay, how do you deal with grief?
It's an overwhelming feeling and by far you are not the only one, but you felt very much alone with you.
Absolutely.
Thank you, Gemma, for having me.
(04:01):
Yeah, it's just surreal.
And you know, actually, Manu passed away in 2021.
But when his cancer was going through the cancer return, he had another surgery and that was all during COVID.
I couldn't even travel to go see him during his treatment.
I couldn't travel for the funeral.
I couldn't travel when he was going through hospice until I got PCR results.
(04:23):
Like it wasn't easy because he lived in Canada and I lived in the US.
So we went through the toughest of times in the worst of circumstances, with the worst possible outcome.
And you know, because he was my younger brother, you never think that your younger sibling will go before you.
You expect them to outlive.
So it was a lot of grief in the sense of the reality, what's actually happening, and not comprehending it.
(04:50):
But having to deal with it at the same time And planning this funeral is just such a surreal experience.
That's like your body is just doing everything but your mind isn't processing it.
You're an autopilot and it takes a little bit of time before your mind realizes what your body's been through.
(05:11):
And that's when grief hits you like, oh my God, what just happened?
What's?
you know?
the gravity of the situation is surreal And that's the reason I felt alone was because my parents and my brother were in Canada and I live in New York, so the distance played a factor And you know you'll read in the book how we have traveled across the world.
(05:32):
So we never stayed in one place, so we didn't have that same common like.
I didn't have my grandparents around, I didn't have my cousins around, I didn't have my childhood friends around, people who had known Manu, you know from the younger years, so I could have somebody to share Manu stories with and sit and laugh and talk about stuff.
And that's why I created the podcast (05:52):
that's where I talked to Manu's inner circle of friends and the impact of cancer, their friendship, and that grief process that I wasn't able to attain in normal circumstances.
You know, you feel alone, like at the funeral.
You're supposed to be with your loved ones and we were during COVID and we were only allowed 20 people So your closest friends weren't there.
(06:19):
It was such a, it was on Zoom, so nobody was allowed to come into the house to give you a hug and sit with you because of COVID restrictions in Canada.
So it was such a tough time. And that's where the loneliness you know, became so much more than it was.
So yeah, it was, it was a lot, it's been devastating.
(06:41):
So, during COVID.
During the time, so many people passed away because of COVID.
My brother passed away because of all cancer, meaning that he probably also did not have all the attention and care he needed because everything was so scattered apart.
Everybody running and attending to all those COVID patients And he's like Yeah, I have something else to say.
(07:06):
As deadly as COVID No absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, and I feel lucky that I had the ability to see Manu.
You know a lot of people during this time weren't able to see their loved ones, weren't able to be at the funeral.
It's really definitely been challenging and nobody had answers as far as what's the right protocol of things, how to navigate.
(07:33):
There is no help that somebody's been through a pandemic and knows what to do.
And even for me to travel, I was doing it before my vaccine.
So that risk, would I contract COVID?
Would I pass it on to Manu, who's immunocompromised?
So I do consider myself lucky that I was able to make it to the funeral And I don't know a lot of people who haven't been able to afford that chance.
(07:56):
So I'm grateful for that.
But yes, it's been definitely a challenging time.
Thank you, yes, okay.
So the point today is really to give hope.
(08:19):
When you have written this survival guide, what are those survival tips or survival ideas that you convey?
So Manu wrote this series of blogs as he was facing mortality.
So I compiled them after his death. And he talks about knowing that he was 34 at the time of his death, and 33 at the time of diagnosis, so he knew his death was imminent and he had resigned to it.
(08:54):
He didn't have any anger or resentment And his survival guide is like how we are stronger the mind, body, and spirit have a remarkable capacity to heal, and we are all mortal beings, we're all going to die one day and not to be afraid of our deaths because it can be around the corner.
Nobody's promised a tomorrow.
(09:15):
But how we can remain immortal is by leaving something good behind in the world to remember you with And that can create this legacy or something to remember you with and leave you as immortal.
And how we can endure things, how we have failures in our lives, and it's okay to have failures.
The point is to learn from the failures and to rise above them, not keeping to repeat those mistakes again and again.
(09:42):
So that's the wisdom of our parents. And for me, the survival guide has been a way of healing because I was completing Manu's story, the story that he started that he couldn't finish because of his death.
But you know and I talk about grief, as in the cancer is gone, Manu is gone, his body is gone.
(10:05):
We cremated him, returned him to the elements of fire, earth, wind, and water and his soul is on another journey where Hindus are believed in.
So moving on.
But cancer still holds a table with us and our family because it's a constant reminder that Manu's not there and what took him away was cancer.
(10:27):
So you know the scars of surgery and chemo and radiation that Manu had?
We bear the unseen scars of grief and loneliness and you know this loss.
So cancer still sits and is a constant reminder and is still painful to us.
And you know this whole journey has been finding a way through, navigated.
(10:53):
And you know, as you said, I think grief is so challenging.
It's very hard sometimes to get out of it.
You have to go through the process and there were panic attacks I have felt that extreme loneliness, anger, resentment, all different emotions, sometimes just happy that I did have the time that I had with Manu, that I'm grateful that I had a sibling and now I'm an only child That's the name becomes a reminder.
(11:23):
But you know it's navigating through all those emotions and then you know, leaving something good.
And that's where I because this is my profession and it is oral cancer that maybe I couldn't save Manu, but with you know, awareness, bringing it to attention, to change the narrative, that more lives can be saved.
(11:47):
So I can't bring Manu back, but maybe I can change someone's life.
It's very powerful, very real.
I heard a lot of holistic approaches, another approach instead of radiation and chemo.
I know that we have some sort of amazing stories of surviving cancer and not going away with that.
(12:16):
We have those stories of instant, instant healing.
Suddenly It's like okay, yeah, there was something, there was no more and good, which is amazing, which is really amazing and does exist for real.
And I think that in this circumstance, with the pandemic not being able to touch each other and to remind each other, hey, you are loved, you are so important, but just to be able to, probably you said you were able to see him, but at a distance.
(12:50):
We zoomed.
But like a WhatsApp call.
When he went into hospice.
So he went into the hospital on Friday because he had some issues breathing.
Saturday he went into hospice. And my parents told me like and I was traveling a week later.
Anyways, I had a schedule trip, I had my compassion release paperwork from the government of Canada that enabled me to travel, otherwise you had to quarantine and there was that whole two week mandate.
(13:19):
So I had all my paperwork, I had everything.
I was coming.
But he went into hospice and my parents said you know, if you can make it, come, and he's not going to make it for a week, so come as soon as you can.
And I said sure, and the next day, on Sunday, I was told to say goodbye to him, just like you and I are talking, and I had to tell him Manu, it's okay to let go.
(13:45):
I could not do anything.
I couldn't get there fast enough.
I couldn't drive there.
I couldn't do anything because I had to wait.
The Canadian government needed a PCR result.
I said, can you change that?
Like?
no, these other rules, you have to wait.
And I tried my hardest. But I had to say goodbye to him on a WhatsApp call.
(14:06):
I had to.
I was not there to help my parents, console or anything, hold them.
They're elderly.
They came home alone, left Manu to be taken to the morgue, so it was very challenging. And I got there a day late.
I got there on Monday.
He passed away Sunday night So as I was packing and getting on my flight for Monday, he was gone Yeah.
(14:36):
It's heartbreaking, but a policing part of it is really okay.
It feels daunting, it feels awful.
You see light, you see life, you see the good, you see forgiveness, you see the release.
(15:02):
Okay, you are allowed to go.
We all will go.
We will all go through that same portal.
That's the nature of life.
But choosing to see the good, choosing to read the goodness of being able to be together, being able to see each other, to recognize our own pain and to transcend it, this is what you have been doing so far, that's what I'm trying to do.
(15:41):
That's beautiful, that's truly beautiful.
I have no other choice.
Yes, you do have other choice and you chose life.
I chose life, and he chose life.
He fought till the end and he knew he was going to die.
He still chose to keep fighting with every treatment possible changing his diet, changing medications, trials, all sorts of things.
(16:11):
He chose life and I'm living.
I should choose life too.
Exactly. This is why I say, yeah, you totally do have the choice.
You have the choice of your answer.
You have the choice of your behavior.
You have the choice of your thoughts.
You have the choice of what you manifest.
You have the choice of the goodness you bring to others.
(16:32):
You have the choice to share your story or to breathe.
And you choose life.
You choose to transfer the knowledge, the acknowledgement of the pain, which is often just what is needed to actually get over it.
How can you get over the pain?
A knowledge sheet recognized it hurts and said I need hurt so much less.
(16:56):
Yeah, and that is the magic of the love you are giving to so many people, to Manu, actually, and to all his survivors, people who stay alive after him.
This is why there is this podcast, this is why there is this survival guide, this is why there is like, hey, we are not alone, we are all together.
(17:19):
Yes, in the name of Manu, but actually for each other.
Yeah, how beautiful.
I mean, that is beautiful.
Yes, you completely have the choice and you choose good.
Thank you.
Yeah, wow, it has been a tough journey and because I felt alone, I created Village, found people, reached out for help, because I think part of feeling alone or feeling sad is going out there and getting that.
(17:56):
You know, seeking it instead of going downwards.
And feeling going into a darkness is going towards the light, asking for help, taking a break, realizing what feelings that you are having and acknowledging them.
So acknowledging the sadness, not trying to be like no, no, no, everything is happy and everything is hunky-dory.
(18:17):
It is recognizing the good parts and it is recognizing the anger and letting those emotions get through instead of harboring them.
And then you know being more.
When you put everything together and you hold it in, it just bursts out like a volcano.
(18:38):
But if you let it trickle out by crying and screaming and going for a walk or going out or doing something, then it helps, that release and keeps you going.
It does It does.
I know one of our beloved guest speakers on the author's show will talk to a woman who went through 28 losses in two years.
(19:01):
My goodness Her and I'm not going to say her entire family, but some key people in her family plus close to one after the other, and her coping mechanism and her new way of living is back-backing go on the trail, connect to trees, connect back to the center, ground herself back in earth, like being grateful to be alive.
(19:33):
Yeah and share that goodness.
So true, so true, and this is exactly what you just mentioned.
Yeah, go for a walk, cry, scream, walk.
Okay, get it out.
Yeah, go, yeah, go back to nature.
You know, eventually it's all The circle of living and life and death and that's how I explained it to my young children at the time that That's what life is.
(20:02):
It's a circle and you just learned the lesson a little early.
But we all are going to die one day and like goes on, life will keep going.
It doesn't stop because a person stopped in your life.
Life will keep going, with or without you.
It's how you choose to live it that matters and that is probably the quote we're going to use from you Hahaha, that is very, very good.
(20:32):
Have a bookmark here.
Awesome.
Yes, absolutely.
Do you want to read to us a few words of that book?
Sure I Can read on any particular topic.
I have whole finding internal peace, mortality, new beginnings, hope is good for a place.
(20:56):
Oh, okay, I.
Will read in this chapter on hope.
Hope is one of the most beautiful things in life.
We often don't appreciate its beauty until we are placed in ugly, difficult situations Where all we are left with is hope.
(21:19):
Hope is one of the few emotions that we can that can make us or break us.
To lose hope in life is to lose the meaning of life, for it is the spiritual Fuel that guides us in this difficult world.
We have also differing concepts of hope and how it plays in our life.
Hope is an internal carrot that is dangled before us, and It is healthy for us to be such a way.
(21:43):
You see, humans have always believed in something greater than ourselves.
Some may argue that the pursuit of happiness is seeking Meaning beyond our own selves.
Hope provides us with easy to grasp Concept of something beyond, and the pursuit of such a concept provides us with the energy to pursue our life's goals.
What I have learned during these most difficult moments of my cancer treatment is that hope is the savior that gets us through our adversity, the differences.
(22:10):
I realized it mattered not whether what I hoped for actually will be fulfilled, but rather the hope that whatever pain and suffering I was forced to endure would be removed.
It mattered not only.
Perhaps the pain and suffering would be replaced by even more pain and suffering.
What mattered was that the point in time I needed an out-of-body experience to get me through those agonizing seconds, minutes, hours and days.
(22:35):
After suffering more physical and emotional pain than most of human beings should ever have to endure, it occurred to me that the only thing that saved me was hope.
I feel like what made the difference for me, that I used hope as a tool rather than a blinding saving grace, as most people use it, for.
I used hope daily as a crutch so I could limp out of whatever adversity came my way.
(22:57):
Hope is a tool we use emotionally and mentally.
Live to fight another day, i realized.
I realized So long as my mind could endure, the body would follow, and the only thing that got me through those dark days Was the hope that tomorrow would be a better day.
The secret is that we cannot go back and analyze it whether what we hoped for played out in the manner What we expected it to, but rather we have to be irrationally optimistic that, in this current moment, what we hope for will occur in the near future and ignore the realities of whether that would be feasible or not. End quote. Absolutely amazing.
(23:39):
Yeah that is really the essence of hope.
That's when you have hope, you have life.
When you lose hope, you have no reason to be alive anymore.
You have no, no, no, right.
Exactly, and whether it happens or not, you don't know.
It's just hoping and doing your best and hoping for the best.
(24:05):
And beyond hope there is that knowing that it's all going to be alright.
Yes, absolutely.
All right, Dr Parul, thank you so, so much for being here today.
(24:26):
Thank you for sharing that wisdom, sharing that experience.
It speaks to the heart of so many people, give them hope for a better future, give them hope to get over that grief period of time.
It's just a moment and Life continues and you learn to live differently than with the That you're used to.
(24:51):
But now it's okay.
That person is still here, but in spirit, meaning that you have to connect much more with your own spirit to that person.
For that animal own spirit, yes, they okay, we are still together and I'm going to continue in that life iteration.
And that's further notice.
(25:14):
Yeah, i mean where energy can't be created or destroyed, it's transferred right.
so it's not in the physical Realm that we see the person that we have lost, but they are there in spirit and you remember them and you, and as long as you remember them and think of them, you're not really gone, they're still there.
Exactly, exactly.
(25:34):
That's a, that's a beauty of each, even though it's hard.
Yeah, they are never fully completely gone.
If we forget them, yeah, then they are gone, but as long as we remember.
As long as we're good.
Yes.
Hmm, beautiful.
So today we have celebrated the life of Manu.
(25:55):
Thank you, thank you, wonderful, thank you so so much.
Have an amazing day, you too.
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