March 26, 2024 • 20 mins
In this episode which is part 1 of a 2 part series, we talk about attachment disorders commonly observed in foster and adopted children.
Attachment disorders relate to the bond children form with their primary caregiver right from birth, which significantly impacts their behavior. Children subjected to neglect, abuse, or abandonment often develop attachment disorders. We will discuss the 5 basic human needs that, when unfulfilled, can lead to these disorders.
In this episode, focusing on children raised in foster or adoptive care, we explore the attachment styles they typically develop. Their experiences with neglect or inconsistent parenting often result in distinct attachment styles affecting their social interactions. We delve into avoidant, fearful, and anxious attachment styles, emphasizing their unique patterns of behavior, emotional response, and potential struggles in forming relationships.
The ultimate aim is to help these children develop a secure attachment style, fostering trust in others and a positive self-image. To achieve this, we must first understand the signs and symptoms of attachment disorders. Identifying behaviors that can be linked to attachment disorders such as food issues, manipulative tactics, group setting difficulties, learning delays, and chronic anxiety.
This episode is a comprehensive guide to recognizing, understanding, and addressing the unique needs of foster and adoptive children suffering from attachment disorders. By deciphering the root cause of these behaviors, you can respond to your child's needs effectively, fostering an environment that promotes their growth. Stay tuned for the next episode, equipped with practical tips for parenting children based on their attachment style and disorder.
After you listen to this episode, I would love for you to head on over and join our inner circle of foster mamas. Our Facebook group is your gateway to valuable resources and connection.
So, go grab your cup of coffee and let's dig in.
XO-Christine Marie
If you found this episode helpful, I would love for you to leave me a review on apple podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/what-to-expect-while-fostering-and-adopting-adopting/id1701306333
Join the inner circle community of like-minded mamas at: https://www.facebook.com/groups/whattoexpectwhilefosteringandadopting
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:07):
Welcome to the What to Expect While Fostering and Adopting podcast show.
If you're a foster mom on the journey to adoption, already adopted,
or somewhere in the middle, trying to figure out how to navigate the foster
care system, wanting to grow your family through adoption,
trying to balance everything, or stuck in that space of all things unknown,
you're in the right place.
What if there was a way to fast track your knowledge, prepare you for the good
(00:29):
and the hard, and somebody who could answer that long list of questions I know you have.
Hi friend, I'm Christine Marie, Biblical Mindset Coach, adoptive mom,
and previous foster parent of 77 children.
Yep, you heard that right, 77 kiddos. I'm your host, and my goal is to help
make your journey a lot easier by sharing my best tools, techniques,
(00:50):
and skills that helped me pivot from foster care to adoption,
fully surrender, and trust the process.
I'm about to bring some calm to the chaos and show you how to navigate through
this journey with a whole lot of grace.
So go grab your cup of coffee and let's jump in.
(01:10):
I am so excited to be here with you today. And this is going to be episode one of a two-part series.
We are going to take a deep dive into attachment disorders, what causes attachment Disorders.
And on part two, we are going to be talking about parenting children with attachment disorders.
(01:31):
So I'm super thankful that you're here. And if you would like to get the printed
handout that goes along with both of these episodes so that you can take notes.
And if you're like me, I like to write all the things down.
So if you would like that, you can look into the show notes and you will find the Facebook group.
Go join that Facebook group and you will find this handout in there.
(01:55):
I'm super excited to dive in today. So we're going to talk about attachment disorders.
I do want to emphasize something. I will say when we first joined foster care,
we were told that most children in foster care have some sort of attachment disorder.
So what I do want to say with that is that these are disorders and not diseases. There is a continuum.
(02:18):
I'm going to share a lot of information with you here today and I want you to
take a lot of notes because you will as you foster throughout your journey,
you are going to come back to these things.
You are going to come back to these symptoms and say, wait a minute.
Didn't she say something about this? And then that gives you information.
So sometimes you can go speak with a counselor, meet with a counselor,
(02:40):
and you can get validation if this is truly an attachment disorder,
which type of attachment disorder this is, and how to best support.
Your foster or adoptive child.
So let's dig in. Attachment disorders is based on attachment theory.
This is a theory based on the attachment of a child to their primary caregiver
(03:01):
at birth and that that early childhood attachment shapes their behavior.
So this is that child subconsciously asking the parent, will my needs be met?
And then the answer will be yes, probably, maybe, unlikely, and sadly, no.
This becomes subconscious programming for a child.
(03:22):
And there are some people that believe that this begins in utero.
And I am one of those people. I believe that this programming begins in utero
when brain pathways are being formed, when cells are duplicating at a very rapid
speed as a child is developed in utero.
And this is all based on the basic human needs. So I want to talk about the
(03:45):
basic human needs for just a second, because these absolutely apply to every
child, every person, every human.
But specifically, I want you to look at them through the filter of a foster
child or an adoptive child and what your specific child has gone through and
what areas they might have not had their needs met. So let me give you a brief overview first.
(04:08):
There's five basic human needs. The first one is physiological,
which is this is one of two basic needs, which is food, water,
warmth, and sleep or rest.
And then the second one of basic needs is safety. So security and safety.
The second level, which is three and four, are psychological needs,
which is belonging and love.
So intimate relationships, the mom-child friendships. Yes.
(04:32):
And then also their self-esteem needs. We all have self-esteem needs.
We all need to feel accomplished. We all have that need to feel good about something.
We all have a calling. We are all put here on this earth for a reason.
Then the last one is self-fulfillment, which is self-actualization or achieving
one's full potential, including creative activities.
(04:55):
So think of when I grow up, I want to be the president of the United States,
or I would like to learn how how to color, or I'm going to join art club,
or I'm going to join band, or I'm going to be a cheerleader in high school.
I want you to think of those things when you think of this. And this starts
at such a basic level, even at birth.
Now I want you to put your foster parent or adoptive parent glasses on,
(05:18):
and I want you to look at physiological needs.
A lot of the children who are in the system or who have been adopted,
it's because they did not have
adequate food, water, are warm and rest or sleep or security and safety.
In fact, they had what would be the opposite of that.
So even think about in utero for a child, maybe their mother used drugs or alcohol
(05:42):
and so they experienced pain in utero and then those cells duplicated experiencing
pain. So then what happens?
Pain feels normal, which breaks my heart. Then the next one would be when they
are come out when they are a child, when they are born?
Do they have food, water, warmth, and rest?
A lot of these children in the foster care system did not have those things.
(06:04):
I know specifically our children that we adopted and all of the children that
we fostered did not have these things either.
They did not have safety and security.
A lot of times there was very traumatic abuse, violence. They didn't know whether
they were sleeping or maybe they were left alone for days on end.
If you even think about a child in a baby swing being left alone for multiple
(06:27):
days while their parent or caregiver is not there, and so they are not cared for.
They didn't get food, water, warmth, rest, safety, or security.
And then let's move up to the third one, which is belonging and love.
They had no one there to care for them. So pretty quickly, their brain pathways
that are formed become, nobody is going to take care of me.
(06:48):
Being fed and being cared for becomes something thing that they need to earn
or is optional or is not regular.
And they definitely do not have their self-esteem or creative activities or
self-fulfillment needs met.
A lot of times you can take number four and number five of the basic five basic
human needs and just take them off because these children really need to start
(07:12):
with self-fulfillment.
Having a regular meal, having sleep. Sometimes they are so traumatized that
sleeping through the night isn't even possible.
And oftentimes I will see foster parents or adoptive parents worrying about,
and if this is you, do not feel judged because this was me too.
And so I'm just being really honest. Like I wanted the perfect room with the
(07:35):
perfect bedding for this foster child with the perfect toys in the room.
And all this child wanted, all this child needed needed was sleep and food and
water and security because they couldn't even think of that looks like a fun
toy to play with because their body was in fight or flight.
Their body was trying to think of how to control the environment that they're
(07:58):
in because they don't know when they're going to eat next.
And unfortunately, them being in their previous environment felt so comfortable
even though us looking into it saying that was the worst possible environment
this child or teenager could ever be in,
that was normal for them. That was all they knew.
(08:20):
So if you imagine when you were a young child, I know a lot of you can empathize with this,
but maybe having like that really scratchy wool sweater that,
you know, you were given and so you put on this wool sweater and it's so uncomfortable
and the second you put it on, you cannot wait to get it off.
A lot of times when foster children or adoptive children are coming out of a
(08:43):
very traumatic environment but that was everything that they've ever known and
they are placed into a home that does have food, water, warmth,
rest, security, safety,
intimate relationships and is supportive and loving and has all of their needs met.
This feels like that wool wetter. So if they are pulling back and freezing,
(09:06):
that's what I want to share with you today. Why?
Because when we can understand the why, we can have compassion,
we can have grace, we can love like Jesus in the most frustrating situation.
So I want to talk about these, the different types. There are four different
main types of attachment disorders.
I want to share a little bit more about what they are, and then I'm going to
(09:27):
dig into a whole bunch of symptoms. So the first type of attachment disorder is avoidant.
This is a child who is insecure, has high anxiety.
Their typical response when they are in a triggering situation is freeze.
So you might go give them a hug and they tense up immediately or flight.
(09:49):
They are in survival mode most of the time or all the time. They put up walls.
They're super independent.
They will dismiss miss things. They don't trust easily because they cannot depend on others.
They only can depend on themselves.
They must be self-sufficient. This is so sad because typically the parent of
(10:14):
an avoidant attachment style child has either ignored them,
ridiculed them, or rejected them.
These are the behaviors that a parent has shown this child to cause them to be in this place.
This child is constantly thinking
of themselves and what they need to do next to have their needs met.
(10:35):
They might be trying to control the entire atmosphere of the entire family by
gaslighting, making things up, lying, creating false narratives,
constantly needing a schedule.
A lot of times what we would experience is...
What time is it? What time do I go to school? What time do I need to wake up?
(10:55):
Can you tell me what time it is right now? What time do I need to take a shower?
What time do I need to brush my teeth? And this was truly because this child
did not want to depend on anybody else.
They needed to know what time it was on the clock and they hyper-focused on
it and they always knew what the time it was and what was coming next so that
(11:16):
they could control the entire situation.
Basically think think of like a mini adult. They wanted to have all of the control of an adult.
They also don't ask for permission for things because they're just going to do it on their own.
They don't need anybody, which is a really hard place to be as a foster or adoptive
parent because you are not needed by this child, but you are needed.
(11:40):
It's this really hard situation to be in.
And so that's where really beginning to work on this attachment disorder can
help this child get closer to what I call the goal attachment style,
which is secure. And we'll talk about that more. The next one is fearful.
This is a very disorganized attachment because they're insecure.
(12:01):
They have high anxiety. They're confused on if they want connection or do they not.
There's a lot of push and pull. There's a lot of drama with this child.
They are confused on their emotions. They're not sure how how they feel.
Maybe they're mad. Maybe they're upset.
Maybe one minute they're laughing and it's totally inappropriate,
but they don't know. They are very chaotic.
They might even dress chaotically. So maybe they,
(12:25):
you know, it's fall and they need to have winter clothes on,
but they're going to be putting summer clothes on because ultimately
they're not sure if they want to adhere to what you want them to do and have
that loving relationship with you or if they want to completely rebel and do
every single thing that you don't want them to do so that they can not have
(12:48):
that relationship with you.
They really don't know what they want.
A lot of times this parent is mentally ill and they're not able to provide for
their child and so this child does not know what to expect. They're ultimately fearful.
They don't know what behavior they're going to get from their parent.
So they don't know if even when they're being good, if it's bad.
(13:09):
If when they're being bad, it's ignored because it's not seen.
They don't know what is up and what is down. The third attachment style is anxious.
This child is extremely anxious. They're insecure.
A lot of of times you will see them freeze or hyper-focused on relationships.
They care deeply. If you are upset with them, if you're happy with them,
(13:34):
they're hanging on every word that you're saying, but they are also in survival mode.
A lot of times these will be children that can be in very unhealthy codependent relationships.
Maybe they get bullied at school because they really just want to be friends
with these people that are not good for them, or they don't pick friends well
because they're so insecure,
(13:54):
or maybe they don't even act like like their true person, who they are,
because they're fearful of being alone.
They are in constant awareness of what is going on around them,
and they don't think high of themselves at all.
A lot of times their parent was unpredictable, inconsistent,
and they didn't know what was going to be happening each day.
(14:16):
So the real ultimate goal with attachment is developing that secure attachment
with your child or teenager, which is when they trust others.
They have a healthy view of themselves.
They share what they want and what they need. They have a good self-esteem and
are not triggered easily.
And they have a reliable caregiver. And a loving response is what they get from their parent.
(14:39):
Again, we will be talking more about the parent and parenting children like this in part two.
But I do want to share some symptoms that you can look for. And you don't need
to know specifically which type of attachment disorder your child has.
But attachment disorders in general affect not only the behavior,
(15:00):
the relationships these children have with people, their school.
I hear a lot of conversations and dialogue from foster parents and adoptive
parents that their children are really struggling in school.
That was one of the things with our child. One of them does go to school and
one of them is homeschooled because they have different needs and we were able
(15:20):
to figure out what was the most beneficial learning environment for that child.
As you dig into the different attachment disorders, you might find that one
particular atmosphere isn't best for your child.
So I would just encourage you to be flexible in that.
But then also with attachment disorders, the internal happenings of the child,
(15:44):
there's a lot of internal So I want to just mention a few things for each of these categories.
So from behavior, you might see things like food issues.
So hiding, hoarding, maybe refusing to eat or refusing to eat certain things.
Maybe destructive behavior towards themselves, towards animals, towards property.
(16:06):
Maybe they're self-sabotaging. Maybe every single time they get a privilege,
within a certain amount of time, they have behaviors that cause you to take the privilege away.
Also, they can be highly manipulative and habitual lying.
They also might wear a mask where they are a certain child in front of you,
and a certain certain child to their teacher and a certain child to different family members.
(16:31):
So just understand that all of these things, and there's so many more to the
behaviors, but these can all be symptoms of attachment disorders.
Relationships. Struggles you might find with relationships is that they do not
function well in group settings.
They might always blame other people when things happen. they might make false allegations of abuse.
(16:55):
This is actually a very common symptom of children in foster care because it's
a symptom of children with attachment disorder.
As far as I will say this, with allegations, it's not a if it will happen,
it is a when it will happen.
Academics, these children are only concerned with right here and right now.
(17:15):
They also may have learning delays, delays, difficulty concentrating,
not ask for help when they don't understand what's happening or when they don't
understand the schoolwork.
They also may get caught cheating often.
They may struggle to keep up with the curriculum, and they may also struggle
with basic reading and math.
Some of the internal things that might be happening inside your child with attachment disorder are.
(17:39):
Is extreme anxiety, which we talked about. Also, low self-esteem, but a very large ego.
So they might talk big about themselves.
This is more like school age, verbal age, but some things that you can see in
a younger child are very impulsive.
Also, defiant and oppositional. Sometimes kiddos with attachment disorders can
(17:59):
have the label of oppositional defiant disorder.
Chronic stealing, frequent risky behavior, and high need to control all aspects,
which we have talked about, of their environment.
So that is where I wanted to share with you the different types of attachment
disorders and truly going back to the reason that this happens and really trying
(18:23):
to remove your frustration with this child or their behaviors or what's happening.
Because friends, I have been there.
I took it personal and I still do sometimes.
When my children act a certain way that hurts me, I take it personal.
When they've been told something a hundred thousand times and they still don't
(18:45):
do it because they are operating from a place of an attachment disorder and
I take it personal because I feel like I failed and I want to try harder,
which pushes them away even more.
So I want you to try to take a look at the five basic human needs and where
it is where your child may have missed having their needs met,
(19:06):
and then look at how it's manifesting in their behaviors and in their internal
thoughts and what that subconscious mind programming might be.
And then as we dive into the next episode about parenting.
I'm going to give you some some really practical tips on how you can parent
(19:26):
children based on their attachment style and their attachment disorder and not
lose your mind in the process.
Hey friend, I hope that you loved today's episode. I pray it blessed you and
helped you see that you have a friend in your corner who truly understands what
you're walking through.
(19:46):
If so, would you share this episode
with someone who's been praying for a breakthrough in their own journey?
It would also bless me big time and help others to find this podcast.
If you would leave a review on Apple podcasts, you can also submit your questions,
topics that you would like covered and find a community of like-minded mamas
in my private Facebook group by searching what to expect while fostering and adopting on Facebook.
(20:09):
Music.
Music.
(00:07):
Welcome to the What to Expect While Fostering and Adopting podcast show.
If you're a foster mom on the journey to adoption, already adopted,
or somewhere in the middle, trying to figure out how to navigate the foster
care system, wanting to grow your family through adoption,
trying to balance everything, or stuck in that space of all things unknown,
you're in the right place.
What if there was a way to fast track your knowledge, prepare you for the good
(00:29):
and the hard, and somebody who could answer that long list of questions I know you have.
Hi friend, I'm Christine Marie, Biblical Mindset Coach, adoptive mom,
and previous foster parent of 77 children.
Yep, you heard that right, 77 kiddos. I'm your host, and my goal is to help
make your journey a lot easier by sharing my best tools, techniques,
(00:50):
and skills that helped me pivot from foster care to adoption,
fully surrender, and trust the process.
I'm about to bring some calm to the chaos and show you how to navigate through
this journey with a whole lot of grace.
So go grab your cup of coffee and let's jump in.
(01:10):
I am so excited to be here with you today. And this is going to be episode one of a two-part series.
We are going to take a deep dive into attachment disorders, what causes attachment Disorders.
And on part two, we are going to be talking about parenting children with attachment disorders.
(01:31):
So I'm super thankful that you're here. And if you would like to get the printed
handout that goes along with both of these episodes so that you can take notes.
And if you're like me, I like to write all the things down.
So if you would like that, you can look into the show notes and you will find the Facebook group.
Go join that Facebook group and you will find this handout in there.
(01:55):
I'm super excited to dive in today. So we're going to talk about attachment disorders.
I do want to emphasize something. I will say when we first joined foster care,
we were told that most children in foster care have some sort of attachment disorder.
So what I do want to say with that is that these are disorders and not diseases. There is a continuum.
(02:18):
I'm going to share a lot of information with you here today and I want you to
take a lot of notes because you will as you foster throughout your journey,
you are going to come back to these things.
You are going to come back to these symptoms and say, wait a minute.
Didn't she say something about this? And then that gives you information.
So sometimes you can go speak with a counselor, meet with a counselor,
(02:40):
and you can get validation if this is truly an attachment disorder,
which type of attachment disorder this is, and how to best support.
Your foster or adoptive child.
So let's dig in. Attachment disorders is based on attachment theory.
This is a theory based on the attachment of a child to their primary caregiver
(03:01):
at birth and that that early childhood attachment shapes their behavior.
So this is that child subconsciously asking the parent, will my needs be met?
And then the answer will be yes, probably, maybe, unlikely, and sadly, no.
This becomes subconscious programming for a child.
(03:22):
And there are some people that believe that this begins in utero.
And I am one of those people. I believe that this programming begins in utero
when brain pathways are being formed, when cells are duplicating at a very rapid
speed as a child is developed in utero.
And this is all based on the basic human needs. So I want to talk about the
(03:45):
basic human needs for just a second, because these absolutely apply to every
child, every person, every human.
But specifically, I want you to look at them through the filter of a foster
child or an adoptive child and what your specific child has gone through and
what areas they might have not had their needs met. So let me give you a brief overview first.
(04:08):
There's five basic human needs. The first one is physiological,
which is this is one of two basic needs, which is food, water,
warmth, and sleep or rest.
And then the second one of basic needs is safety. So security and safety.
The second level, which is three and four, are psychological needs,
which is belonging and love.
So intimate relationships, the mom-child friendships. Yes.
(04:32):
And then also their self-esteem needs. We all have self-esteem needs.
We all need to feel accomplished. We all have that need to feel good about something.
We all have a calling. We are all put here on this earth for a reason.
Then the last one is self-fulfillment, which is self-actualization or achieving
one's full potential, including creative activities.
(04:55):
So think of when I grow up, I want to be the president of the United States,
or I would like to learn how how to color, or I'm going to join art club,
or I'm going to join band, or I'm going to be a cheerleader in high school.
I want you to think of those things when you think of this. And this starts
at such a basic level, even at birth.
Now I want you to put your foster parent or adoptive parent glasses on,
(05:18):
and I want you to look at physiological needs.
A lot of the children who are in the system or who have been adopted,
it's because they did not have
adequate food, water, are warm and rest or sleep or security and safety.
In fact, they had what would be the opposite of that.
So even think about in utero for a child, maybe their mother used drugs or alcohol
(05:42):
and so they experienced pain in utero and then those cells duplicated experiencing
pain. So then what happens?
Pain feels normal, which breaks my heart. Then the next one would be when they
are come out when they are a child, when they are born?
Do they have food, water, warmth, and rest?
A lot of these children in the foster care system did not have those things.
(06:04):
I know specifically our children that we adopted and all of the children that
we fostered did not have these things either.
They did not have safety and security.
A lot of times there was very traumatic abuse, violence. They didn't know whether
they were sleeping or maybe they were left alone for days on end.
If you even think about a child in a baby swing being left alone for multiple
(06:27):
days while their parent or caregiver is not there, and so they are not cared for.
They didn't get food, water, warmth, rest, safety, or security.
And then let's move up to the third one, which is belonging and love.
They had no one there to care for them. So pretty quickly, their brain pathways
that are formed become, nobody is going to take care of me.
(06:48):
Being fed and being cared for becomes something thing that they need to earn
or is optional or is not regular.
And they definitely do not have their self-esteem or creative activities or
self-fulfillment needs met.
A lot of times you can take number four and number five of the basic five basic
human needs and just take them off because these children really need to start
(07:12):
with self-fulfillment.
Having a regular meal, having sleep. Sometimes they are so traumatized that
sleeping through the night isn't even possible.
And oftentimes I will see foster parents or adoptive parents worrying about,
and if this is you, do not feel judged because this was me too.
And so I'm just being really honest. Like I wanted the perfect room with the
(07:35):
perfect bedding for this foster child with the perfect toys in the room.
And all this child wanted, all this child needed needed was sleep and food and
water and security because they couldn't even think of that looks like a fun
toy to play with because their body was in fight or flight.
Their body was trying to think of how to control the environment that they're
(07:58):
in because they don't know when they're going to eat next.
And unfortunately, them being in their previous environment felt so comfortable
even though us looking into it saying that was the worst possible environment
this child or teenager could ever be in,
that was normal for them. That was all they knew.
(08:20):
So if you imagine when you were a young child, I know a lot of you can empathize with this,
but maybe having like that really scratchy wool sweater that,
you know, you were given and so you put on this wool sweater and it's so uncomfortable
and the second you put it on, you cannot wait to get it off.
A lot of times when foster children or adoptive children are coming out of a
(08:43):
very traumatic environment but that was everything that they've ever known and
they are placed into a home that does have food, water, warmth,
rest, security, safety,
intimate relationships and is supportive and loving and has all of their needs met.
This feels like that wool wetter. So if they are pulling back and freezing,
(09:06):
that's what I want to share with you today. Why?
Because when we can understand the why, we can have compassion,
we can have grace, we can love like Jesus in the most frustrating situation.
So I want to talk about these, the different types. There are four different
main types of attachment disorders.
I want to share a little bit more about what they are, and then I'm going to
(09:27):
dig into a whole bunch of symptoms. So the first type of attachment disorder is avoidant.
This is a child who is insecure, has high anxiety.
Their typical response when they are in a triggering situation is freeze.
So you might go give them a hug and they tense up immediately or flight.
(09:49):
They are in survival mode most of the time or all the time. They put up walls.
They're super independent.
They will dismiss miss things. They don't trust easily because they cannot depend on others.
They only can depend on themselves.
They must be self-sufficient. This is so sad because typically the parent of
(10:14):
an avoidant attachment style child has either ignored them,
ridiculed them, or rejected them.
These are the behaviors that a parent has shown this child to cause them to be in this place.
This child is constantly thinking
of themselves and what they need to do next to have their needs met.
(10:35):
They might be trying to control the entire atmosphere of the entire family by
gaslighting, making things up, lying, creating false narratives,
constantly needing a schedule.
A lot of times what we would experience is...
What time is it? What time do I go to school? What time do I need to wake up?
(10:55):
Can you tell me what time it is right now? What time do I need to take a shower?
What time do I need to brush my teeth? And this was truly because this child
did not want to depend on anybody else.
They needed to know what time it was on the clock and they hyper-focused on
it and they always knew what the time it was and what was coming next so that
(11:16):
they could control the entire situation.
Basically think think of like a mini adult. They wanted to have all of the control of an adult.
They also don't ask for permission for things because they're just going to do it on their own.
They don't need anybody, which is a really hard place to be as a foster or adoptive
parent because you are not needed by this child, but you are needed.
(11:40):
It's this really hard situation to be in.
And so that's where really beginning to work on this attachment disorder can
help this child get closer to what I call the goal attachment style,
which is secure. And we'll talk about that more. The next one is fearful.
This is a very disorganized attachment because they're insecure.
(12:01):
They have high anxiety. They're confused on if they want connection or do they not.
There's a lot of push and pull. There's a lot of drama with this child.
They are confused on their emotions. They're not sure how how they feel.
Maybe they're mad. Maybe they're upset.
Maybe one minute they're laughing and it's totally inappropriate,
but they don't know. They are very chaotic.
They might even dress chaotically. So maybe they,
(12:25):
you know, it's fall and they need to have winter clothes on,
but they're going to be putting summer clothes on because ultimately
they're not sure if they want to adhere to what you want them to do and have
that loving relationship with you or if they want to completely rebel and do
every single thing that you don't want them to do so that they can not have
(12:48):
that relationship with you.
They really don't know what they want.
A lot of times this parent is mentally ill and they're not able to provide for
their child and so this child does not know what to expect. They're ultimately fearful.
They don't know what behavior they're going to get from their parent.
So they don't know if even when they're being good, if it's bad.
(13:09):
If when they're being bad, it's ignored because it's not seen.
They don't know what is up and what is down. The third attachment style is anxious.
This child is extremely anxious. They're insecure.
A lot of of times you will see them freeze or hyper-focused on relationships.
They care deeply. If you are upset with them, if you're happy with them,
(13:34):
they're hanging on every word that you're saying, but they are also in survival mode.
A lot of times these will be children that can be in very unhealthy codependent relationships.
Maybe they get bullied at school because they really just want to be friends
with these people that are not good for them, or they don't pick friends well
because they're so insecure,
(13:54):
or maybe they don't even act like like their true person, who they are,
because they're fearful of being alone.
They are in constant awareness of what is going on around them,
and they don't think high of themselves at all.
A lot of times their parent was unpredictable, inconsistent,
and they didn't know what was going to be happening each day.
(14:16):
So the real ultimate goal with attachment is developing that secure attachment
with your child or teenager, which is when they trust others.
They have a healthy view of themselves.
They share what they want and what they need. They have a good self-esteem and
are not triggered easily.
And they have a reliable caregiver. And a loving response is what they get from their parent.
(14:39):
Again, we will be talking more about the parent and parenting children like this in part two.
But I do want to share some symptoms that you can look for. And you don't need
to know specifically which type of attachment disorder your child has.
But attachment disorders in general affect not only the behavior,
(15:00):
the relationships these children have with people, their school.
I hear a lot of conversations and dialogue from foster parents and adoptive
parents that their children are really struggling in school.
That was one of the things with our child. One of them does go to school and
one of them is homeschooled because they have different needs and we were able
(15:20):
to figure out what was the most beneficial learning environment for that child.
As you dig into the different attachment disorders, you might find that one
particular atmosphere isn't best for your child.
So I would just encourage you to be flexible in that.
But then also with attachment disorders, the internal happenings of the child,
(15:44):
there's a lot of internal So I want to just mention a few things for each of these categories.
So from behavior, you might see things like food issues.
So hiding, hoarding, maybe refusing to eat or refusing to eat certain things.
Maybe destructive behavior towards themselves, towards animals, towards property.
(16:06):
Maybe they're self-sabotaging. Maybe every single time they get a privilege,
within a certain amount of time, they have behaviors that cause you to take the privilege away.
Also, they can be highly manipulative and habitual lying.
They also might wear a mask where they are a certain child in front of you,
and a certain certain child to their teacher and a certain child to different family members.
(16:31):
So just understand that all of these things, and there's so many more to the
behaviors, but these can all be symptoms of attachment disorders.
Relationships. Struggles you might find with relationships is that they do not
function well in group settings.
They might always blame other people when things happen. they might make false allegations of abuse.
(16:55):
This is actually a very common symptom of children in foster care because it's
a symptom of children with attachment disorder.
As far as I will say this, with allegations, it's not a if it will happen,
it is a when it will happen.
Academics, these children are only concerned with right here and right now.
(17:15):
They also may have learning delays, delays, difficulty concentrating,
not ask for help when they don't understand what's happening or when they don't
understand the schoolwork.
They also may get caught cheating often.
They may struggle to keep up with the curriculum, and they may also struggle
with basic reading and math.
Some of the internal things that might be happening inside your child with attachment disorder are.
(17:39):
Is extreme anxiety, which we talked about. Also, low self-esteem, but a very large ego.
So they might talk big about themselves.
This is more like school age, verbal age, but some things that you can see in
a younger child are very impulsive.
Also, defiant and oppositional. Sometimes kiddos with attachment disorders can
(17:59):
have the label of oppositional defiant disorder.
Chronic stealing, frequent risky behavior, and high need to control all aspects,
which we have talked about, of their environment.
So that is where I wanted to share with you the different types of attachment
disorders and truly going back to the reason that this happens and really trying
(18:23):
to remove your frustration with this child or their behaviors or what's happening.
Because friends, I have been there.
I took it personal and I still do sometimes.
When my children act a certain way that hurts me, I take it personal.
When they've been told something a hundred thousand times and they still don't
(18:45):
do it because they are operating from a place of an attachment disorder and
I take it personal because I feel like I failed and I want to try harder,
which pushes them away even more.
So I want you to try to take a look at the five basic human needs and where
it is where your child may have missed having their needs met,
(19:06):
and then look at how it's manifesting in their behaviors and in their internal
thoughts and what that subconscious mind programming might be.
And then as we dive into the next episode about parenting.
I'm going to give you some some really practical tips on how you can parent
(19:26):
children based on their attachment style and their attachment disorder and not
lose your mind in the process.
Hey friend, I hope that you loved today's episode. I pray it blessed you and
helped you see that you have a friend in your corner who truly understands what
you're walking through.
(19:46):
If so, would you share this episode
with someone who's been praying for a breakthrough in their own journey?
It would also bless me big time and help others to find this podcast.
If you would leave a review on Apple podcasts, you can also submit your questions,
topics that you would like covered and find a community of like-minded mamas
in my private Facebook group by searching what to expect while fostering and adopting on Facebook.
(20:09):
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