On today's episode, we will conclude this 2 part series and talk about parenting children with attachment disorders. We will cover 6 key points to helping foster children feel safe and secure, comforted and supported, connected, experience consistency, feel encouraged and help you as the foster parent maintain boundaries in the foster home. All of these will help in developing bonds with your children, maintain emotional regulation, and handle behavioral issues effectively.
We will also discuss the importance of self-care and refilling your emotional cup. I will share my tips to building a balanced routine that not only supports the needs of the children but also the mental and physical needs of everyone in the home.
You can find the workbook that supports this 2 part series in my foster parent group on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/groups/fostercareandadoptionforchristianwomen
After you listen to this episode, I would love for you to head on over and join our inner circle of foster mamas. Our Facebook group is your gateway to valuable resources and connection.
So, go grab your cup of coffee and let's dig in.
XO-Christine Marie
If you found this episode helpful, I would love for you to leave me a review on apple podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/what-to-expect-while-fostering-and-adopting-adopting/id1701306333
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:07):
Welcome to the What to Expect While Fostering and Adopting podcast show.
If you're a foster mom on the journey to adoption, already adopted,
or somewhere in the middle, trying to figure out how to navigate the foster
care system, wanting to grow your family through adoption,
trying to balance everything, or stuck in that space of all things unknown,
you're in the right place.
What if there was a way to fast track your knowledge, prepare you for the good
(00:29):
and the hard, and somebody who could answer that long list of questions I know you have.
Hi friend, I'm Christy Marie, Biblical Mindset Coach, adoptive mom,
and previous foster parent of 77 children.
Yep, you heard that right, 77 kiddos. I'm your host, and my goal is to help
make your journey a lot easier by sharing my best tools, techniques,
(00:50):
and skills that helped me pivot from foster care to adoption,
fully surrender, and trust the process.
I'm about to bring some calm to the chaos and show you how to navigate gate
through this journey with a whole lot of grace.
So go grab your cup of coffee and let's jump in.
I am so excited to be back here with you today with part two of our series on
(01:13):
attachment disorders in foster and adoptive children.
For part two, we are specifically talking about parenting children with attachment disorders.
Yes, yes, yes, I am talking to you. I'm also speaking about a lot of what I
went through as a foster parent.
As you know, we took in 77 kiddos over the course of 10 years.
(01:35):
And when we were in that first training class, my husband and I,
I remember having the conversations with the instructor and they were sharing
that most kiddos, if not all kiddos who come into foster care,
have some level of attachment disorders or struggle with attachment.
(01:56):
Because of what they've been through. So I went into that with that head knowledge,
but I didn't truly understand what that meant for me, for our two boys at the
time that we had, what that meant for my marriage.
And if you have foster kiddos right now, or you're preparing to step into the world of foster care,
(02:17):
I hope this episode blesses you because I truly wish that I I could have had
this knowledge prior to stepping into it.
One thing that is so important is when you are parenting kiddos with attachment
disorders is having yourself be as calm, emotionally regulated,
(02:41):
consistent, and emotionally supportive at all times.
Now, I will say this is the ideal, right? And I feel like with any child,
you as the parent, being in this place is absolutely optimal.
Was I like this all the time? 100% no.
(03:01):
I spent a lot of time learning as I went.
Every single child who comes into foster care or you adopt is so different.
They all have a different level of struggle with attachment.
So it's super important to kind of have this as a baseline.
And today I'm going to talk about six tips for you to help really parent a child
(03:28):
with attachment disorder.
But I do want to review the five basic human needs that we talked about on episode
one. One, with these children, a lot of them struggle with physiological needs,
which is the food, water, warmth, and rest.
That has been deprived from them. They have struggled with having consistency
in this area, and so they're.
(03:51):
Very much so at the base level of needing this support from their foster parent.
Number two, second level is safety needs, which is security and safety.
A lot of kiddos coming from homelessness or domestic violence situations,
or even worse, really are struggling a lot of times in both one and two.
(04:13):
Number three is belongingness and love.
Number four is esteem. And then number five is self-actualization.
So we went through those in episode one. If you have not listened to that,
please go back and take a listen so you can understand more about these kiddos.
But this episode is really for you.
This episode is a lot of what I learned just by learning the hard way and educating
(04:39):
myself and therapists and counselors and so much, so much education.
But truly the ideal is being
in a calm emotionally regulated consistent
and being an emotionally supportive parent that's
the ideal now if you can give yourself a lot of grace and just know that's the
(05:01):
ideal that's what I really want you to remember the biggest thing with attachment
disorder and foster kiddos is that primary first parental figure in their life
was their birth mom And that relationship,
if they are in foster care or were removed from their birth mom, was severed.
(05:22):
And that was their first glimpse at attachment.
A lot of times they were in utero in their mom's stomach for nine months,
and they heard their mom talking and breathing and the voices and the noises around them.
They got very accustomed to the comfort of their mom even before they were held by their mom.
(05:46):
So having that loss, whether they remember it or not, it is in their subconscious
mind. Their body remembers it.
They remember that that moment was severed and they are no longer with their birth mom.
And so a lot of times, even though they were too young to remember,
they still struggle with attachment.
So you, as their new primary attachment figure, is the most important relationship
(06:13):
for this child to re-establish attachment.
So this is where I will say, before I go and dive into the six key pieces that
I want to share with you today, is when choosing how many children you will care for.
I really want you to consider, can I stay calm?
(06:34):
Can I stay emotionally regulated, consistent, consistent and be emotionally
supportive for each individual child in my home.
And I say this from a lot of heart experience.
My husband and I had our two boys, and then the most amount of kiddos that we had at one time was 11.
That was, again, my bleeding heart wanting to help as many children as possible
(06:58):
and where in my mind I could and I did it very well,
but I will say I sacrificed my own health to make that possible.
So I really want you to consider less is more. Less children, bigger impact.
The need will never slow down for the amount of children coming into care versus is the homes available.
(07:24):
But I want you to remember, you being this incredible parent to this foster
child and to your own children is most important in helping this child or children.
Rediscover attachment. With that, number one is safety and security.
For you to show a child that they are worthy, it helps them to build trust,
(07:49):
predictability, and it lowers their anxiety.
As we talked about with a lot of kiddos with attachment disorder,
they struggle with anxiety.
It's almost palpable when you're around them that you can feel the anxiety coming
off of them them because it's so significant and so severe.
You might see it in their body language that they tense up when you come close
(08:10):
to them, when you give them a hug, they freeze.
These children a lot of times can be in fight or flight, which again, can eventually,
if you're not caring for yourself, you can end up in the same place of fight
or flight because your anxiety can be so significant that it can cause the same
thing you're trying to help this child heal from.
(08:32):
Safety and security is not only being able to have predictable meals at the
same time to provide a comfort in their bed for them to have their own space
for them to feel secure because there's a predictability of a bed,
the same bedtime every night, the same wake up time.
(08:53):
If you are so exhausted because you're running on fumes, you're going to sleep in.
You're going to stay up late because you need your own time to yourself versus
going to bed at a good time because you're emotionally regulated and then your children,
you're going to get up with your foster kiddos or your kiddos,
you're going to get up earlier than them so you can make sure that the day starts off right.
(09:17):
Number two is comfort and support. This can be really challenging,
especially the harder kiddos that you take.
During good or tough challenges, teaching them coping skills.
Literally looking at every single moment as a learning opportunity,
whether it's good and you are encouraging them with positive words,
(09:40):
or whether it's a really tough challenge and you're still encouraging encouraging
them with positive words.
This helps teach them coping skills.
It helps them a lot of times when you are discussing, when you're talking in
a calm way to them through a very challenging situation.
Maybe they are throwing themselves on the floor and they are screaming at the
(10:01):
top of their lungs and you are staying calm and you're using words like,
I understand that you are so upset that you didn't get to eat Cheerios.
A lot of times they are just acting out what they're feeling,
but they can't even put words to the emotions that they're feeling inside.
And for you to be able to give words, give identity to their feelings is significant.
(10:27):
Because a lot of times they don't even realize what they're feeling.
It just feels like a jumbled mess inside.
And that That is where staying calm, consistent, and supporting them through
the good times and the hard times.
Finding something that you can do with a child during hard situations that is consistent.
A lot of times when kiddos come home from visits with family,
(10:49):
that can be a really challenging time.
So even an example would be every single time that they come home from a visit,
you sit down and you watch a movie with them that they enjoy.
Choosing something that's consistent, maybe it's sitting down and coloring with
them when they come home.
Maybe it's sitting down and doing a
(11:11):
clay molding project with them finding something
that is in their area of interest and having
that be something that you do with
them during and it's pre-planned by you during those challenging times so that
they can see that they can come home to your house and be in a supportive environment
(11:33):
and it also gives them the opportunity to choose to talk about it or not.
But either way, you are just there. You're consistent.
You are showing them that you are secure.
You are their support. You are comfortable. You are showing them that no matter
what, you are here to support them. Number three is connection.
(11:57):
Vocalizing what you you see from using descriptive words like I talked about,
it's also empathy in action.
Maybe they don't understand what empathy is because it was never role modeled for them.
It didn't matter if they were good or bad, they still were in a physically abusive
(12:17):
relationship in their previous home.
So they don't understand if someone's crying, how you would appropriately support them.
So empathy and action to validate their
experiences for you to model how
you would appropriately respond to them when they or somebody else in the home
(12:37):
is struggling for you to help them feel valued because they are seen and they
are heard a lot of times with attachment disorder you're going to see a lot
of behaviors and you're not going to see a lot of communication communication.
You're going to see a lot of acting out. You're going to see a lot of secretive,
(12:57):
inward-focused things happening because the only person they can depend on is themselves.
So the more present you can be with them, the more time you can spend with them,
the less opportunity that they're going to have to secretly sabotage situations.
(13:18):
So number four is consistent.
Consistency reduces stress when these kiddos know what to expect and you are
going to role model self-discipline for them.
So that might be putting schedules up at your house for what time we wake up,
what time we go to bed, what time is dinner.
It might mean that you exercise at the same time every day to model a healthy
(13:46):
lifestyle to them if that's something you want to do.
It's to help show them what self-discipline is. is it's for you to be your best
self so that they can see what that would possibly look like because they haven't
had that as a role model for them.
Number five is encourager.
So you are always going to look, and I'm saying this to myself as well,
(14:12):
you're always going to look for the very best in them despite their behaviors.
You are going to help them feel capable, valued, chosen, in that they are not their actions.
This was probably the hardest, most challenging.
Piece for me because as a mom, as a foster mom or adoptive mom,
(14:35):
I really tied my worth as a mom,
my significance as a mom, my abilities as a mom to the behaviors of my children.
And I couldn't figure out why they were acting out, why they were cheating,
why they were making the bad choices that they did, when I was showing them
(14:55):
through my actions what was the right thing to do,
when I was loving them endlessly and they were still acting out,
I couldn't fix them.
I couldn't and it devastated me.
It was so hard to encourage them when I was broken, when I had nothing left
(15:19):
to give because I had given everything,
no matter how bad the situation gets, but looking at finding something that
they are good at and they are doing well at because there's always something
good in every single situation and not taking it personally.
Giving yourself grace and giving the child grace.
(15:40):
Number six is boundaries. It is so important for you and your family to have
clear rules, clear house rules,
clear boundaries of which children you will take and which children you won't
take, which behaviors you will accept, which behaviors you won't accept.
And yes, this means sometimes you might need to ask for a child to be removed from your home.
(16:02):
You need to know what your boundaries are and you need to stick to them.
For not only the kiddos in your home, but for the kiddos in your home that are
struggling with attachment, but also for your own mental health,
for your marriage, for your relationships, boundaries are critical.
So lastly, I want to talk about personal refueling because I've spent quite
(16:25):
a bit of time talking about pouring from an empty cup and how devastating that can actually be.
The first thing is breaks for yourself.
And I'm giving you this list of things that I didn't do, but that I realized
over time that I needed to do, and I do now.
So I want you to choose breaks for yourself.
(16:49):
Maybe when the kiddos all go to school, maybe you take a nap.
Maybe when the kiddos are at home and they're playing outside or they're watching
a movie, that you sit and have a cup of coffee by yourself.
Maybe you read your Bible in the morning before they get up.
Maybe you intentionally stay up 30 minutes after they go to bed,
(17:12):
even though you're super tired.
And though you don't turn on the TV, you journal.
The next one is time with loved ones. This was honestly
one of the first things that got cut out of my life when
the kiddos got harder and we got more kiddos is I had less and less time for
anyone else outside or immediate family because my life was so busy with all
(17:35):
of the people in the foster children's lives that I didn't have anything left to give.
So I maybe would occasionally
see family or loved ones but that was
a really easy thing for me to cut off so making
that a priority setting a schedule maybe everybody comes over to your house
every Saturday night for a big family dinner or you find time that's regular
(18:00):
that you spend time with family the next one is exercise remember this is a
marathon not a race Your endurance matters.
I did not exercise when I was a foster parent, but we only get one body.
So even if you take 10 minutes a day and you walk around the block,
(18:22):
you take your foster kiddos with you, you walk up and down the stairs in your
house, you only have the one body.
So make sure that exercise is something that you add to your daily routine.
The next one is eating. I know this might sound crazy, but I know a lot of you guys put yourself last.
(18:43):
And what I would do all the time is I would feed all the kiddos around the table.
And then by the time it got to me, the first one was done eating.
So then I needed to go start cleaning up. And I didn't get to eat until everybody
was done and everybody was cleaned up.
And by that time, I was so exhausted that I would grab something from the pantry
(19:05):
that I probably shouldn't eat.
Eat that really fast so I could get everybody ready for bed or the next activity. Sit down and eat.
Water. Water is so important to you.
You want to be drinking half your body weight in ounces every single day.
It's super important to maintain your health if you get sick everything's just
(19:27):
going to get harder remember that ideal parenting I was talking about staying
calm all those things that's really hard when you're sick.
Sleep. Minimum eight hours a night is super important.
I know for us, when we had foster kiddos, some of them had alarms on their doors
and they would open them in the middle of the night and sleep was a big challenge.
(19:49):
So figuring out whether that means you need a nap in the middle of the day to
make up for the missed sleep at night,
make sure you get enough sleep because that is when your body is restoring itself
so that you can be the best foster mom possible.
The next one is hire a babysitter to come over.
If you know on these days the kiddos have a visit, it's harder,
(20:13):
they don't sleep well, hire a babysitter for a few hours that day so that you
can either A, take a nap, take a long shower, take a break,
rest, do whatever it is. Maybe that's the time that you do your exercise.
Make sure that you're taking care of you. Once we had finished finished our
(20:34):
foster care journey, and we were raising both of our boys and our two adoptive daughters.
You guys, I was struggling big time, big time.
And I was drinking, not eating well. My body was in complete disrepair. I was a wreck.
And I remember speaking with one of the counselors that we were working with,
with the girls. And she said, what do you do for fun?
(20:56):
And I said, what do you mean do for fun? And she said, well,
what do you do to refill your cup?
And I sat there and I'm like, what do you mean refill my cup?
What do you mean do for me?
Like I didn't do anything for me. And she said, you know what?
You need to find a hobby. You need to do something for you. You need to do something that you enjoy.
(21:18):
And I was completely at a loss.
And she said, because what you're doing is your kids, your family,
everything you're doing for everybody else all day long, you are pouring out your cup.
And then you can't expect your children who struggle with attachment disorder
to refill your cup. That's not fair.
(21:40):
It's not fair for you to expect other people who aren't capable of it to refill your cup.
She said, you need a hobby. You need to do something for you so that you can
pour it back out the next day with your family.
It took me a while to find something, but that was when I originally,
(22:00):
originally first got into network marketing because I didn't have any friends, you guys.
I didn't have anything that I did for myself.
Nothing. That was a really big leap for me.
So when you're going into foster parenting, I would encourage you to find a
hobby, find something that you love to do, and do it regularly.
(22:21):
Make it a non-negotiable that you're not going to count out of your life,
that no matter or how busy things are going to get.
Because remember, go back to boundaries, right? You're not going to take more
kiddos than you are able or capable of taking.
And you are going to be able to still pursue this hobby and do it.
The next one is keeping a schedule.
(22:42):
This is where it is so critical, not only for you, but developing and helping
to restore this attachment with these children, you need to be predictable.
The kids need to know what to expect from you day in and day out.
I used to say that it feels like Groundhog Day, but you know what?
It is what helped my daughters heal.
(23:04):
It is what helped restore that attachment that at times I felt like it was not even possible.
They needed that predictability every single day.
The next one is hire help. laundry help meal prep a house cleaner ask for help
ask for your church to help out.
(23:24):
I remember when we were in the thick of it with foster care,
we had somebody that came over every few days and just did our laundry,
folded it, and put it away.
We called her lovingly Laundry Girl, and it was the best investment and best
blessing to our family at that time, because if you have a lot of foster kiddos,
(23:48):
you have a lot of laundry,
and laundry takes a lot of time.
And so when she was waiting for a load, the kids would go in and talk to her.
When she was folding laundry, the kids would go help her and they would help her put it away.
It was the most amazing investment that we made. Also meal prep.
You can hire somebody to come over and prep a week worth of meals.
(24:10):
Or maybe you'll hire a babysitter to come over and you prep the week's worth of meals on a Saturday.
The last one is go to church. One of the sacrifices that we made was our kiddos,
their needs were so great that they couldn't go to the child care center at
the church because honestly, it was not safe.
(24:33):
So what we started doing is we just stopped going to church because I was so
underwater that I couldn't think of another alternative.
I'm here to share an alternative with you today. day. Hire somebody to watch
the kiddos that cannot go to church and you and whoever else go to church.
Do not miss out on that community. You need to get out.
(24:56):
You need to be around other people and your children will benefit from being
around those other children in the play group.
The other child or children who can't go to church will benefit from the peace
and the quiet from staying at home and having that one-on-one time.
So where I couldn't think of a solution previously, I want to share that solution with you.
(25:19):
These are my parenting tips and suggestions for parenting children with attachment
disorder, and I pray that this blesses you.
Hey friend, I hope that you loved today's episode. I pray it blessed you and
helped you see that you have a friend in your corner who truly understands what
you're walking through.
If so, would you share this episode with someone who's been
(25:41):
praying for a breakthrough in their own journey it would also bless me big time
and help others to find this podcast if you would leave a review on apple podcast
you can also submit your questions topics that you would like covered and find
a community of like-minded mamas in my private facebook group by searching what
to expect while fostering and adopting on facebook.
Music.
Music.
(00:07):
Welcome to the What to Expect While Fostering and Adopting podcast show.
If you're a foster mom on the journey to adoption, already adopted,
or somewhere in the middle, trying to figure out how to navigate the foster
care system, wanting to grow your family through adoption,
trying to balance everything, or stuck in that space of all things unknown,
you're in the right place.
What if there was a way to fast track your knowledge, prepare you for the good
(00:29):
and the hard, and somebody who could answer that long list of questions I know you have.
Hi friend, I'm Christy Marie, Biblical Mindset Coach, adoptive mom,
and previous foster parent of 77 children.
Yep, you heard that right, 77 kiddos. I'm your host, and my goal is to help
make your journey a lot easier by sharing my best tools, techniques,
(00:50):
and skills that helped me pivot from foster care to adoption,
fully surrender, and trust the process.
I'm about to bring some calm to the chaos and show you how to navigate gate
through this journey with a whole lot of grace.
So go grab your cup of coffee and let's jump in.
I am so excited to be back here with you today with part two of our series on
(01:13):
attachment disorders in foster and adoptive children.
For part two, we are specifically talking about parenting children with attachment disorders.
Yes, yes, yes, I am talking to you. I'm also speaking about a lot of what I
went through as a foster parent.
As you know, we took in 77 kiddos over the course of 10 years.
(01:35):
And when we were in that first training class, my husband and I,
I remember having the conversations with the instructor and they were sharing
that most kiddos, if not all kiddos who come into foster care,
have some level of attachment disorders or struggle with attachment.
(01:56):
Because of what they've been through. So I went into that with that head knowledge,
but I didn't truly understand what that meant for me, for our two boys at the
time that we had, what that meant for my marriage.
And if you have foster kiddos right now, or you're preparing to step into the world of foster care,
(02:17):
I hope this episode blesses you because I truly wish that I I could have had
this knowledge prior to stepping into it.
One thing that is so important is when you are parenting kiddos with attachment
disorders is having yourself be as calm, emotionally regulated,
(02:41):
consistent, and emotionally supportive at all times.
Now, I will say this is the ideal, right? And I feel like with any child,
you as the parent, being in this place is absolutely optimal.
Was I like this all the time? 100% no.
(03:01):
I spent a lot of time learning as I went.
Every single child who comes into foster care or you adopt is so different.
They all have a different level of struggle with attachment.
So it's super important to kind of have this as a baseline.
And today I'm going to talk about six tips for you to help really parent a child
(03:28):
with attachment disorder.
But I do want to review the five basic human needs that we talked about on episode
one. One, with these children, a lot of them struggle with physiological needs,
which is the food, water, warmth, and rest.
That has been deprived from them. They have struggled with having consistency
in this area, and so they're.
(03:51):
Very much so at the base level of needing this support from their foster parent.
Number two, second level is safety needs, which is security and safety.
A lot of kiddos coming from homelessness or domestic violence situations,
or even worse, really are struggling a lot of times in both one and two.
(04:13):
Number three is belongingness and love.
Number four is esteem. And then number five is self-actualization.
So we went through those in episode one. If you have not listened to that,
please go back and take a listen so you can understand more about these kiddos.
But this episode is really for you.
This episode is a lot of what I learned just by learning the hard way and educating
(04:39):
myself and therapists and counselors and so much, so much education.
But truly the ideal is being
in a calm emotionally regulated consistent
and being an emotionally supportive parent that's
the ideal now if you can give yourself a lot of grace and just know that's the
(05:01):
ideal that's what I really want you to remember the biggest thing with attachment
disorder and foster kiddos is that primary first parental figure in their life
was their birth mom And that relationship,
if they are in foster care or were removed from their birth mom, was severed.
(05:22):
And that was their first glimpse at attachment.
A lot of times they were in utero in their mom's stomach for nine months,
and they heard their mom talking and breathing and the voices and the noises around them.
They got very accustomed to the comfort of their mom even before they were held by their mom.
(05:46):
So having that loss, whether they remember it or not, it is in their subconscious
mind. Their body remembers it.
They remember that that moment was severed and they are no longer with their birth mom.
And so a lot of times, even though they were too young to remember,
they still struggle with attachment.
So you, as their new primary attachment figure, is the most important relationship
(06:13):
for this child to re-establish attachment.
So this is where I will say, before I go and dive into the six key pieces that
I want to share with you today, is when choosing how many children you will care for.
I really want you to consider, can I stay calm?
(06:34):
Can I stay emotionally regulated, consistent, consistent and be emotionally
supportive for each individual child in my home.
And I say this from a lot of heart experience.
My husband and I had our two boys, and then the most amount of kiddos that we had at one time was 11.
That was, again, my bleeding heart wanting to help as many children as possible
(06:58):
and where in my mind I could and I did it very well,
but I will say I sacrificed my own health to make that possible.
So I really want you to consider less is more. Less children, bigger impact.
The need will never slow down for the amount of children coming into care versus is the homes available.
(07:24):
But I want you to remember, you being this incredible parent to this foster
child and to your own children is most important in helping this child or children.
Rediscover attachment. With that, number one is safety and security.
For you to show a child that they are worthy, it helps them to build trust,
(07:49):
predictability, and it lowers their anxiety.
As we talked about with a lot of kiddos with attachment disorder,
they struggle with anxiety.
It's almost palpable when you're around them that you can feel the anxiety coming
off of them them because it's so significant and so severe.
You might see it in their body language that they tense up when you come close
(08:10):
to them, when you give them a hug, they freeze.
These children a lot of times can be in fight or flight, which again, can eventually,
if you're not caring for yourself, you can end up in the same place of fight
or flight because your anxiety can be so significant that it can cause the same
thing you're trying to help this child heal from.
(08:32):
Safety and security is not only being able to have predictable meals at the
same time to provide a comfort in their bed for them to have their own space
for them to feel secure because there's a predictability of a bed,
the same bedtime every night, the same wake up time.
(08:53):
If you are so exhausted because you're running on fumes, you're going to sleep in.
You're going to stay up late because you need your own time to yourself versus
going to bed at a good time because you're emotionally regulated and then your children,
you're going to get up with your foster kiddos or your kiddos,
you're going to get up earlier than them so you can make sure that the day starts off right.
(09:17):
Number two is comfort and support. This can be really challenging,
especially the harder kiddos that you take.
During good or tough challenges, teaching them coping skills.
Literally looking at every single moment as a learning opportunity,
whether it's good and you are encouraging them with positive words,
(09:40):
or whether it's a really tough challenge and you're still encouraging encouraging
them with positive words.
This helps teach them coping skills.
It helps them a lot of times when you are discussing, when you're talking in
a calm way to them through a very challenging situation.
Maybe they are throwing themselves on the floor and they are screaming at the
(10:01):
top of their lungs and you are staying calm and you're using words like,
I understand that you are so upset that you didn't get to eat Cheerios.
A lot of times they are just acting out what they're feeling,
but they can't even put words to the emotions that they're feeling inside.
And for you to be able to give words, give identity to their feelings is significant.
(10:27):
Because a lot of times they don't even realize what they're feeling.
It just feels like a jumbled mess inside.
And that That is where staying calm, consistent, and supporting them through
the good times and the hard times.
Finding something that you can do with a child during hard situations that is consistent.
A lot of times when kiddos come home from visits with family,
(10:49):
that can be a really challenging time.
So even an example would be every single time that they come home from a visit,
you sit down and you watch a movie with them that they enjoy.
Choosing something that's consistent, maybe it's sitting down and coloring with
them when they come home.
Maybe it's sitting down and doing a
(11:11):
clay molding project with them finding something
that is in their area of interest and having
that be something that you do with
them during and it's pre-planned by you during those challenging times so that
they can see that they can come home to your house and be in a supportive environment
(11:33):
and it also gives them the opportunity to choose to talk about it or not.
But either way, you are just there. You're consistent.
You are showing them that you are secure.
You are their support. You are comfortable. You are showing them that no matter
what, you are here to support them. Number three is connection.
(11:57):
Vocalizing what you you see from using descriptive words like I talked about,
it's also empathy in action.
Maybe they don't understand what empathy is because it was never role modeled for them.
It didn't matter if they were good or bad, they still were in a physically abusive
(12:17):
relationship in their previous home.
So they don't understand if someone's crying, how you would appropriately support them.
So empathy and action to validate their
experiences for you to model how
you would appropriately respond to them when they or somebody else in the home
(12:37):
is struggling for you to help them feel valued because they are seen and they
are heard a lot of times with attachment disorder you're going to see a lot
of behaviors and you're not going to see a lot of communication communication.
You're going to see a lot of acting out. You're going to see a lot of secretive,
(12:57):
inward-focused things happening because the only person they can depend on is themselves.
So the more present you can be with them, the more time you can spend with them,
the less opportunity that they're going to have to secretly sabotage situations.
(13:18):
So number four is consistent.
Consistency reduces stress when these kiddos know what to expect and you are
going to role model self-discipline for them.
So that might be putting schedules up at your house for what time we wake up,
what time we go to bed, what time is dinner.
It might mean that you exercise at the same time every day to model a healthy
(13:46):
lifestyle to them if that's something you want to do.
It's to help show them what self-discipline is. is it's for you to be your best
self so that they can see what that would possibly look like because they haven't
had that as a role model for them.
Number five is encourager.
So you are always going to look, and I'm saying this to myself as well,
(14:12):
you're always going to look for the very best in them despite their behaviors.
You are going to help them feel capable, valued, chosen, in that they are not their actions.
This was probably the hardest, most challenging.
Piece for me because as a mom, as a foster mom or adoptive mom,
(14:35):
I really tied my worth as a mom,
my significance as a mom, my abilities as a mom to the behaviors of my children.
And I couldn't figure out why they were acting out, why they were cheating,
why they were making the bad choices that they did, when I was showing them
(14:55):
through my actions what was the right thing to do,
when I was loving them endlessly and they were still acting out,
I couldn't fix them.
I couldn't and it devastated me.
It was so hard to encourage them when I was broken, when I had nothing left
(15:19):
to give because I had given everything,
no matter how bad the situation gets, but looking at finding something that
they are good at and they are doing well at because there's always something
good in every single situation and not taking it personally.
Giving yourself grace and giving the child grace.
(15:40):
Number six is boundaries. It is so important for you and your family to have
clear rules, clear house rules,
clear boundaries of which children you will take and which children you won't
take, which behaviors you will accept, which behaviors you won't accept.
And yes, this means sometimes you might need to ask for a child to be removed from your home.
(16:02):
You need to know what your boundaries are and you need to stick to them.
For not only the kiddos in your home, but for the kiddos in your home that are
struggling with attachment, but also for your own mental health,
for your marriage, for your relationships, boundaries are critical.
So lastly, I want to talk about personal refueling because I've spent quite
(16:25):
a bit of time talking about pouring from an empty cup and how devastating that can actually be.
The first thing is breaks for yourself.
And I'm giving you this list of things that I didn't do, but that I realized
over time that I needed to do, and I do now.
So I want you to choose breaks for yourself.
(16:49):
Maybe when the kiddos all go to school, maybe you take a nap.
Maybe when the kiddos are at home and they're playing outside or they're watching
a movie, that you sit and have a cup of coffee by yourself.
Maybe you read your Bible in the morning before they get up.
Maybe you intentionally stay up 30 minutes after they go to bed,
(17:12):
even though you're super tired.
And though you don't turn on the TV, you journal.
The next one is time with loved ones. This was honestly
one of the first things that got cut out of my life when
the kiddos got harder and we got more kiddos is I had less and less time for
anyone else outside or immediate family because my life was so busy with all
(17:35):
of the people in the foster children's lives that I didn't have anything left to give.
So I maybe would occasionally
see family or loved ones but that was
a really easy thing for me to cut off so making
that a priority setting a schedule maybe everybody comes over to your house
every Saturday night for a big family dinner or you find time that's regular
(18:00):
that you spend time with family the next one is exercise remember this is a
marathon not a race Your endurance matters.
I did not exercise when I was a foster parent, but we only get one body.
So even if you take 10 minutes a day and you walk around the block,
(18:22):
you take your foster kiddos with you, you walk up and down the stairs in your
house, you only have the one body.
So make sure that exercise is something that you add to your daily routine.
The next one is eating. I know this might sound crazy, but I know a lot of you guys put yourself last.
(18:43):
And what I would do all the time is I would feed all the kiddos around the table.
And then by the time it got to me, the first one was done eating.
So then I needed to go start cleaning up. And I didn't get to eat until everybody
was done and everybody was cleaned up.
And by that time, I was so exhausted that I would grab something from the pantry
(19:05):
that I probably shouldn't eat.
Eat that really fast so I could get everybody ready for bed or the next activity. Sit down and eat.
Water. Water is so important to you.
You want to be drinking half your body weight in ounces every single day.
It's super important to maintain your health if you get sick everything's just
(19:27):
going to get harder remember that ideal parenting I was talking about staying
calm all those things that's really hard when you're sick.
Sleep. Minimum eight hours a night is super important.
I know for us, when we had foster kiddos, some of them had alarms on their doors
and they would open them in the middle of the night and sleep was a big challenge.
(19:49):
So figuring out whether that means you need a nap in the middle of the day to
make up for the missed sleep at night,
make sure you get enough sleep because that is when your body is restoring itself
so that you can be the best foster mom possible.
The next one is hire a babysitter to come over.
If you know on these days the kiddos have a visit, it's harder,
(20:13):
they don't sleep well, hire a babysitter for a few hours that day so that you
can either A, take a nap, take a long shower, take a break,
rest, do whatever it is. Maybe that's the time that you do your exercise.
Make sure that you're taking care of you. Once we had finished finished our
(20:34):
foster care journey, and we were raising both of our boys and our two adoptive daughters.
You guys, I was struggling big time, big time.
And I was drinking, not eating well. My body was in complete disrepair. I was a wreck.
And I remember speaking with one of the counselors that we were working with,
with the girls. And she said, what do you do for fun?
(20:56):
And I said, what do you mean do for fun? And she said, well,
what do you do to refill your cup?
And I sat there and I'm like, what do you mean refill my cup?
What do you mean do for me?
Like I didn't do anything for me. And she said, you know what?
You need to find a hobby. You need to do something for you. You need to do something that you enjoy.
(21:18):
And I was completely at a loss.
And she said, because what you're doing is your kids, your family,
everything you're doing for everybody else all day long, you are pouring out your cup.
And then you can't expect your children who struggle with attachment disorder
to refill your cup. That's not fair.
(21:40):
It's not fair for you to expect other people who aren't capable of it to refill your cup.
She said, you need a hobby. You need to do something for you so that you can
pour it back out the next day with your family.
It took me a while to find something, but that was when I originally,
(22:00):
originally first got into network marketing because I didn't have any friends, you guys.
I didn't have anything that I did for myself.
Nothing. That was a really big leap for me.
So when you're going into foster parenting, I would encourage you to find a
hobby, find something that you love to do, and do it regularly.
(22:21):
Make it a non-negotiable that you're not going to count out of your life,
that no matter or how busy things are going to get.
Because remember, go back to boundaries, right? You're not going to take more
kiddos than you are able or capable of taking.
And you are going to be able to still pursue this hobby and do it.
The next one is keeping a schedule.
(22:42):
This is where it is so critical, not only for you, but developing and helping
to restore this attachment with these children, you need to be predictable.
The kids need to know what to expect from you day in and day out.
I used to say that it feels like Groundhog Day, but you know what?
It is what helped my daughters heal.
(23:04):
It is what helped restore that attachment that at times I felt like it was not even possible.
They needed that predictability every single day.
The next one is hire help. laundry help meal prep a house cleaner ask for help
ask for your church to help out.
(23:24):
I remember when we were in the thick of it with foster care,
we had somebody that came over every few days and just did our laundry,
folded it, and put it away.
We called her lovingly Laundry Girl, and it was the best investment and best
blessing to our family at that time, because if you have a lot of foster kiddos,
(23:48):
you have a lot of laundry,
and laundry takes a lot of time.
And so when she was waiting for a load, the kids would go in and talk to her.
When she was folding laundry, the kids would go help her and they would help her put it away.
It was the most amazing investment that we made. Also meal prep.
You can hire somebody to come over and prep a week worth of meals.
(24:10):
Or maybe you'll hire a babysitter to come over and you prep the week's worth of meals on a Saturday.
The last one is go to church. One of the sacrifices that we made was our kiddos,
their needs were so great that they couldn't go to the child care center at
the church because honestly, it was not safe.
(24:33):
So what we started doing is we just stopped going to church because I was so
underwater that I couldn't think of another alternative.
I'm here to share an alternative with you today. day. Hire somebody to watch
the kiddos that cannot go to church and you and whoever else go to church.
Do not miss out on that community. You need to get out.
(24:56):
You need to be around other people and your children will benefit from being
around those other children in the play group.
The other child or children who can't go to church will benefit from the peace
and the quiet from staying at home and having that one-on-one time.
So where I couldn't think of a solution previously, I want to share that solution with you.
(25:19):
These are my parenting tips and suggestions for parenting children with attachment
disorder, and I pray that this blesses you.
Hey friend, I hope that you loved today's episode. I pray it blessed you and
helped you see that you have a friend in your corner who truly understands what
you're walking through.
If so, would you share this episode with someone who's been
(25:41):
praying for a breakthrough in their own journey it would also bless me big time
and help others to find this podcast if you would leave a review on apple podcast
you can also submit your questions topics that you would like covered and find
a community of like-minded mamas in my private facebook group by searching what
to expect while fostering and adopting on facebook.
Music.
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