There is a dire need for emotional support in the foster parent community – a need that often is neglected resulting in overwhelming isolation and unfortunate situations.
I will be vulnerably sharing one of the hardest lessons I learned as a foster parent while fostering and how it impacted the emotional struggles I faced. This episode will cover the importance of support systems, self-care and accessibility to emotional outlets and professional help to recharge and rejuvenate.
My 20/20 hindsight vision since exiting the foster care world has been profound. Including the misconceptions about what I thought was my foster parent role and how I should have been maintaining a professional relationship with the caseworker vs. a peer relationship.
I pray this is an enlightening episode for anyone involved or interested in the journey of foster parenting.
After you listen to this episode, I would love for you to head on over and join our inner circle of foster mamas. Our Facebook group is your gateway to valuable resources and connection.
So, go grab your cup of coffee and let's dig in.
XO-Christine Marie
If you found this episode helpful, I would love for you to leave me a review on apple podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/what-to-expect-while-fostering-and-adopting-adopting/id1701306333
Join the inner circle community of like-minded mamas at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/fostercareandadoptionforchristianwomen
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:08):
Welcome to the What to Expect While Fostering and Adopting podcast show.
If you're a foster mom on the journey to adoption, already adopted,
or somewhere in the middle, trying to figure out how to navigate the foster
care system, wanting to grow your family through adoption,
trying to balance everything, or stuck in that space of all things unknown,
you're in the right place.
What if there was a way to fast track your knowledge, prepare you for the good
(00:30):
and the hard, and somebody who could answer that long list of questions I know you have.
Hi friend, I'm Christine Marie, Biblical Mindset Coach, adoptive mom,
and previous foster parent of 77 children.
Yep, you heard that right, 77 kiddos. I'm your host, and my goal is to help
make your journey a lot easier by sharing my best tools, techniques,
(00:51):
and skills that helped me pivot from foster care to adoption,
fully surrender, and trust the process.
I'm about to bring some calm to the chaos and show you how to navigate gate
through this journey with a whole lot of grace.
So go grab your cup of coffee and let's jump in.
I'm so excited to be back here again with you today. And today we're going to
(01:14):
cover a topic that is kind of twofold.
I'm going to be talking about one of the biggest challenges that I see that
foster parents have, and this is not a new challenge, but I think it's a challenge
that has been around for a very long time and has not been addressed.
So I'm going to share with you a couple possible solutions, and I'm also going
to be talking about one of the biggest mistakes that I made as a foster parent
(01:36):
that goes right along with this.
Go grab your notebook, a cup of coffee, and let's dig in. So one of the biggest
challenges that I see is that foster parents do not have enough support.
They don't have enough supportive people. They don't have enough emotional support,
and they don't have enough tangible physical support.
(01:56):
What I'm going to be talking about today is the emotional support piece,
because I remember when I was a brand new foster parent, when I would talk to my family members,
my friends that I had at the time about some of the things that I was struggling
with or things that I was excited about or new kiddos that were coming into
my home, complexities of their cases.
(02:18):
The truth was is that nobody could understand and I didn't yet understand because
this was my first or maybe second child.
So I really didn't have a support network. I was so brand new.
I was young and I didn't really know where to turn.
I know that my certifier had told me that I could get a mentor,
but I don't know if you're anything like me.
(02:39):
I'm super introverted it's hard for
me to get to know people really well and trust them
unless I've spent quite a bit of time with them
what I stepped into
then is sharing what I was going through
talking about it with friends and family and it
actually made me feel even more isolated very quickly
(03:00):
because they couldn't understand what I
was going through the feelings I had a lot of them
had advice bless their hearts so
much advice that really wasn't practical for me
because you literally could sit
there and explain the entire story to somebody and they're going to give you
(03:21):
their advice right but they're not living in it so it was unfortunately helpful
but not helpful in the same way and I don't know if I just really truly wanted
somebody to process my my emotions with me,
or if I was really looking for a solution.
Do you ever feel like that? Like you just want to be heard?
Maybe you don't want somebody to give you the answers.
(03:45):
And I felt that with foster care very much that every child that came in had
such a story, such a hard story, such a painful story, such a tale of heartache. Some of the cases...
Were so altering to my brain because I can't imagine a child walking through
a situation that hard, much less an adult walking through a situation that hard.
(04:08):
But some of them were honestly a little bit shocking to my brain.
I remember one of the first kiddos we had, it was actually a part of an FBI case as well.
And so you could imagine, I mean, I'm not going to go into any of the details, but it was a lot.
It was a lot for me to mentally process. And so So when I would try and discuss
some of the ways I was feeling and how did I, you know, what were some tips
(04:32):
to best approach this child?
Of course, this child had a counselor and a therapist and a caseworker and all the people, right?
But truly, how do you parent this child differently?
How do you, how do I as a person deal with the emotions that I was feeling just
trying to mentally process that this happened to a child? So I remember being
(04:53):
told I could have a mentor and that they could help me find a mentor.
I did remember having a few calls with a mentor, but then that was the interesting
part is I ended up finding out that the mentor would then go share some of kind
of like the certifier certification person that I had would go check in with
the mentor and say, how is she? Is she doing okay?
(05:16):
Is she processing this well? and then the mentor would go report back.
And it just, it felt a little bit like I didn't have a safe place.
And I truly feel like that's the safe place, that emotional soundboard,
that emotional processing, that emotional just person who's going to stand in
the gap is really missing in the foster care system.
(05:39):
There is counselors and therapists for the children.
There's counselors and therapists for the birth parents. There might even be
counselors and therapists for the social workers and the extended birth family
if they need like family counseling or wraparound services,
but there's no counseling services for the foster parent.
(05:59):
That's hard. That's really hard because what that means is, you know, the true truth, right?
The foster care system is meant to reunify families.
It's meant to help the birth families and the children and get them to a place
that's healthy and functioning or functioning and in process of getting better.
(06:23):
It's really truly meant to support them.
So all of the services that are available available are
there for everybody else but the foster
parent and so I know I experienced this
a lot is I would feel really
isolated and like who do I talk to and if you're a current foster parent right
(06:44):
now or considering getting into foster care or you're an adoptive parent I don't
know if you've ever felt this way but I imagine you have I imagine you have
felt alone and you You just want somebody who gets it to listen.
Who do you turn to for every question that you have?
And as a foster parent, especially as a brand new foster parent,
(07:06):
I don't know that it ever got easier per se.
Like I kind of learned the system. I navigated it. But I still always had so
many questions because it's such an unknown.
Every single day, something could change in the foster care system with a child.
You know, they might have a judge who makes a different order and it's a quick
pivot that needs to happen.
Or maybe the birth mom is no longer a potential placement or resource for the child.
(07:31):
So maybe now they're looking at the birth father, or maybe the birth father has changed.
And so maybe they're looking at extended family, and then a grandmother pops
up from who knows where, but they found her or maybe a great aunt when they did a search.
And so every single day, it could be so different. And there's all these unknowns
that are constantly being thrown at you.
(07:53):
You know, if you imagine somebody who's juggling balls, and they just keep throwing
another ball at you, and you just need to keep them juggling,
you just need to keep them going.
All the meanwhile, you need to love and support the children who are in your
home, and somehow yourself.
And that is one of the biggest reasons that I lost myself, because I was in
that state of emotional overwhelm and trying to make sure that all of the kids' needs were met.
(08:18):
And ultimately, there wasn't time for me. There wasn't time for me to even think
about me. So what is the solution?
Because the biggest mistake, the very biggest mistake that I made as a foster
parent was not understanding my role as a foster parent,
not understanding how I fit into the hierarchy of the foster care system.
(08:41):
I want you to think of whether you have began fostering or you're already a foster parent.
I want you to begin to think of the foster parent yourself as an employee of
the caseworker and the child welfare system.
I'm not saying that you necessarily are, but I want you to think about it in
(09:01):
that framework because every single thing that you have a conversation with
somebody about is documented.
Much like if you're an employee and you're going to have conversations with
your supervisor, they're going to document things.
Now, imagine you're really stressed out, you're so overwhelmed,
(09:23):
you're emotionally just maybe distraught, upset about a decision that's made
because you don't agree with it. And trust me, this will happen a lot.
You go to your certification person or you go to the caseworker and you say
how upset you are about it. Maybe you even shed some tears.
Maybe you're distraught about it. Maybe you put your foot down because you're
(09:43):
advocating for the child, which is your job as a foster parent.
But within limits because ultimately the guardian of the foster child is the
caseworker and the state. You're the foster parent.
It's this fine line. So let's say you're advocating for this foster child and
you're so upset because you feel in your soul it is the wrong decision and you
(10:06):
stand up to the caseworker or you stand up to the certification department and
you say I disagree and you're upset.
I want you to think of that in the framework as if you're an employee and you
go to your boss and you are upset and passionate and you are putting your foot
down because that was one of the biggest mistakes.
I looked at the certification department and the caseworkers,
(10:30):
like I was on equal footing, like we were in this together, like we were partners
in advocating for this child.
And the truth is the caseworker is in partnership with the foster parent,
the birth parent, the foster child, but they are the main advocate.
(10:51):
They are what you feel you are for that child.
It's this crazy shift, this paradigm shift that happened for me after leaving the foster care world.
I realized how when I would get upset or I would get frustrated or I would feel
like I need to put my foot down or I would need to advocate for something that was contrary to.
(11:13):
To the caseworker, which is ultimately the caseworker's in charge.
When I did that, it was like going to battle with your employer.
And it doesn't end well. It doesn't work out well when you're telling a caseworker
what they should be doing or what you would be doing if they were really thinking of the child.
(11:39):
You guys, this totally took me back. And I was only able to to see this once
I was no longer a foster parent, which I was removed from the whole kind of
like, you know, when hindsight is 20-20, when I was able to look back and say, wow,
I was pretty arrogant thinking that I knew better because ultimately I was so
(12:00):
protective of this child and that's my job, right?
But the caseworker sees the entire big picture.
And I know sometimes as foster parents, we feel like we see all of it too.
But truthfully, we don't. Every single bit of information is never shared with us.
There's bits and pieces, conversations with birth families and extended families
(12:21):
and the children's attorneys and CASAs and our certifiers.
Your certifier's conversation based on what they think your mental kind of fitness is.
If your certification person came came over to your house and you are super
upset and you were like, I'm not okay with this.
(12:42):
They document that. They document that. And it's almost like,
I want you to think of this as like an unruly employee. You're not playing the game right.
Doesn't that sound crazy? Like for me, I never would have even thought that,
believed that, or I didn't see it that way.
I didn't have enough support. And so the support that I then turned to and what
(13:05):
became my support was my certifier and the children's caseworkers.
I became super close with them and I shared everything with them.
How I was feeling, how my kids were doing, how what
things I was struggling with I overshared and
ultimately when you overshare you're oversharing
(13:25):
and this is such a shift for me this I
wish I would have known this this is probably one of
the biggest things I wish I would have known is that your job
as a foster parent is to take care
of the foster child in your home support the
reunification plan until that becomes
until that changes but that is always your
(13:46):
top priority is to support the reunification plan with
their biological family it's not to vocalize
that you want to be in adoptive placement it's not to do anything contrary to
what the wishes of the caseworker for that child are and their attorney that
was so completely not the way I operated and what I realized so once you are
(14:10):
no longer or a foster parent, you can ask for your file.
You can ask for the complete history of every single thing that every single
certifier, every single caseworker has written up about your family.
I had no idea there was such a thing, but literally every phone call that they
have with you, there's documentation on the phone call.
There's documentation on how you're presenting emotionally.
(14:34):
There's documentation on how you're handling a situation. You guys, that blew my mind.
I thought these certifiers and these caseworkers were like my friends.
And it ultimately boiled down to, because I didn't have enough support,
I took the employees of the state, which their job was to protect this child
(14:55):
and their birth family and reconnect them for reunification.
I was a foster parent. So I want you to look at yourself and look at that relationship
with the caseworker and the the certifier and I'm not telling you not to share with them.
I am not telling you to not be open with them and build a relationship with them.
But I want you to remember that foster parenting, you are paid a stipend.
(15:20):
And so in some regards, this can and should be looked at as it's your job.
You show up your very best anytime you have conversations with caseworkers or
certifiers or attorneys or anybody who's coming in your home to visit the child.
You show up your best for your family and for the child who's in your home.
(15:40):
And that's where you need to find outside support so that you can have your
cup filled and you can process your emotions with somebody else other than the
caseworker and the certification department and anybody else related to the child.
The information you share with them should be strictly focused on the child,
(16:01):
their needs, and anything that they need to know that would impact that child in your home.
If you're feeling stressed out, you're having panic attacks.
You're overwhelmed, you didn't sleep very well, oversharing.
Unless it's asked of you, that's oversharing.
I would encourage you to really look at these caseworkers as your employers.
(16:21):
And I know no, that's not what they are. But I am asking you to reframe it in
your mind that the conversations that you have with them, they matter because
they're being documented.
So how do you process your feelings? Because you need to trust me.
I processed my feelings with caseworkers and certifiers and attorneys and everybody I shouldn't have.
(16:42):
And like I said, that's probably one of the biggest mistakes I made is I was an over sharer.
I'm sorry, I only got five hours of sleep. I'm I'm sorry, I'm exhausted right now. I'm so tired.
So what does that make them think? Why can't she balance this?
Maybe these kids are too much. They're looking for signs, any signs,
that this child is thriving in your home or there should be concerns.
(17:04):
And when there's concerns, even the tiniest one, they're going to start looking for more concerns.
Have you ever heard that phrase, like, if you think you're right, you're right.
And if you think you're wrong, you're wrong. Whatever your mind is looking for,
you're going to find it. You will.
Our brains have this incredible mechanism called the reticular activating system.
And it's, for instance, if you are looking like you are in love with this blue
(17:29):
car and whatever brand it is. And then suddenly, every time you're driving on
the freeway, you see this blue car.
It's not because there's suddenly more of them. It's because that's what your
brain is looking for. So you will find it.
So if somebody has a concern about you because of your emotional overwhelm or
a situation that happened or anything like that, they're going to keep looking.
(17:53):
And I promise they will find more because nobody's perfect.
You're not perfect. I'm not perfect.
But people usually find what they're looking for. So what can you do?
I'm going to encourage you to get a foster parent coach.
I'm going to ask you to look for somebody maybe in the foster care community.
It doesn't need to be an assigned mentor that is going to be reporting back
(18:15):
to your caseworker, but it could be too.
But I want you to find a safe person that you can process your emotions with.
You can talk out hard situations and there's no judgment and they will just allow you to vent.
It is a hard job to be a foster parent it's emotionally
taxing you need to get it out stuffed emotions go somewhere and usually what
(18:39):
happens is they make you sick they can cause all kinds of physical things they
can lead to lack of sleep that's why you need to process it another option is
you can get you you can hire a therapist.
You can go once a week to therapy, completely process your emotions,
and then talk to the therapist and say, what of this is important that I share?
(19:01):
You can also journal out your emotions and then look through your journaling
and say, is any of this really that I need to share with the caseworkers?
I remember when I was a foster parent and I would send an email and it was kind of like a dear diary.
This is what the child was struggling with. This is what happened.
This is how I'm feeling about it. this is what's going
(19:22):
on in the house why did i share all of that i
have no idea a lot of what i
shared wasn't pertinent to the case it didn't need to be said another
option is you can hire a coach whether that's for one time a month one time
a week i did offer that in the facebook group that you do have access to hire
me for one session 30 minute session an hour session regularly if if that's
(19:47):
something that you need.
There is also, maybe you have a friend that is willing to just be your buddy
and say, you know, I am your safe person.
I will process this with you. Maybe there's a woman in a church group who is
willing to be that person for you that's going to help you and just listen and
support you and love you.
You really also want to look for somebody who's willing to give you the hard truth.
(20:11):
I've had some foster parents ask me questions.
They probably I probably didn't like the answer I gave them,
and I knew ultimately they would realize the answer that I did give them was
probably right, but they weren't ready to hear it.
So I think that's another thing, too, is having somebody who was willing to
say the hard things and say.
I realize that you are super stressed out with this and you are struggling and
(20:34):
this is overwhelming for you.
And I would encourage you to get a night away from your house,
go to the beach for the weekend.
I would encourage you to spend a few hours at the gym every day to let go of some of this.
I want to encourage you with this episode is that you need support.
(20:55):
Foster parents desperately need emotional support, but your emotional support
cannot and should not be your caseworker,
your certifier, or anybody in that hierarchy of the child welfare system that
is supporting that child.
You need a safe place that you can process to be able to get the feelings out
(21:16):
and then come back and say, okay, now that I feel better, I have to talk it
out, I have to get it out, and then I feel better.
Unfortunately, I was talking it out, getting it out to the people I shouldn't
have. Of course, I want to reemphasize, you always want to share the important
details about the child.
You always want to make sure that you are never holding anything back that a
(21:39):
caseworker or the certification department needs to know.
Never hold things back that are important to the case.
You have to keep your emotions in check.
You have to show up as your very best self at every single visit when these
people come to your house.
Remember the first time that you went in and maybe you filled out the paperwork
or maybe this hasn't been the first time yet,
(21:59):
but I want you to when that first time is to mentally process how you're feeling
first time you show up into the child welfare office and fill out your paperwork
to become a foster parent.
Did you dress a little bit nicer? Did you smile more? Did you talk carefully? Were you thoughtful?
Did you put your best foot forward? That's what I'm asking you to do every single
(22:23):
time they come over or you have an interaction.
Because I want them to see you for your best self.
And if you're in a place where you can't be your best self, that's a trigger
where you need to say, okay, I'm not my best self.
What do I need to do to take care of me so that next time they come over or
they call all, I am not verbally vomiting my emotions on them because I need to get them out.
(22:47):
You can also find additional resources in the Facebook group.
You will find the information for that in the show notes.
I am so thankful that you guys are hearing this and I am praying ultimately
that you figure out what level of support you need for yourself emotionally
and that you don't make the biggest mistake that I did.
Music.
(23:35):
Community of like-minded mamas in my private Facebook group by searching what
to expect while fostering and adopting on Facebook.
Music.
Music.
(00:08):
Welcome to the What to Expect While Fostering and Adopting podcast show.
If you're a foster mom on the journey to adoption, already adopted,
or somewhere in the middle, trying to figure out how to navigate the foster
care system, wanting to grow your family through adoption,
trying to balance everything, or stuck in that space of all things unknown,
you're in the right place.
What if there was a way to fast track your knowledge, prepare you for the good
(00:30):
and the hard, and somebody who could answer that long list of questions I know you have.
Hi friend, I'm Christine Marie, Biblical Mindset Coach, adoptive mom,
and previous foster parent of 77 children.
Yep, you heard that right, 77 kiddos. I'm your host, and my goal is to help
make your journey a lot easier by sharing my best tools, techniques,
(00:51):
and skills that helped me pivot from foster care to adoption,
fully surrender, and trust the process.
I'm about to bring some calm to the chaos and show you how to navigate gate
through this journey with a whole lot of grace.
So go grab your cup of coffee and let's jump in.
I'm so excited to be back here again with you today. And today we're going to
(01:14):
cover a topic that is kind of twofold.
I'm going to be talking about one of the biggest challenges that I see that
foster parents have, and this is not a new challenge, but I think it's a challenge
that has been around for a very long time and has not been addressed.
So I'm going to share with you a couple possible solutions, and I'm also going
to be talking about one of the biggest mistakes that I made as a foster parent
(01:36):
that goes right along with this.
Go grab your notebook, a cup of coffee, and let's dig in. So one of the biggest
challenges that I see is that foster parents do not have enough support.
They don't have enough supportive people. They don't have enough emotional support,
and they don't have enough tangible physical support.
(01:56):
What I'm going to be talking about today is the emotional support piece,
because I remember when I was a brand new foster parent, when I would talk to my family members,
my friends that I had at the time about some of the things that I was struggling
with or things that I was excited about or new kiddos that were coming into
my home, complexities of their cases.
(02:18):
The truth was is that nobody could understand and I didn't yet understand because
this was my first or maybe second child.
So I really didn't have a support network. I was so brand new.
I was young and I didn't really know where to turn.
I know that my certifier had told me that I could get a mentor,
but I don't know if you're anything like me.
(02:39):
I'm super introverted it's hard for
me to get to know people really well and trust them
unless I've spent quite a bit of time with them
what I stepped into
then is sharing what I was going through
talking about it with friends and family and it
actually made me feel even more isolated very quickly
(03:00):
because they couldn't understand what I
was going through the feelings I had a lot of them
had advice bless their hearts so
much advice that really wasn't practical for me
because you literally could sit
there and explain the entire story to somebody and they're going to give you
(03:21):
their advice right but they're not living in it so it was unfortunately helpful
but not helpful in the same way and I don't know if I just really truly wanted
somebody to process my my emotions with me,
or if I was really looking for a solution.
Do you ever feel like that? Like you just want to be heard?
Maybe you don't want somebody to give you the answers.
(03:45):
And I felt that with foster care very much that every child that came in had
such a story, such a hard story, such a painful story, such a tale of heartache. Some of the cases...
Were so altering to my brain because I can't imagine a child walking through
a situation that hard, much less an adult walking through a situation that hard.
(04:08):
But some of them were honestly a little bit shocking to my brain.
I remember one of the first kiddos we had, it was actually a part of an FBI case as well.
And so you could imagine, I mean, I'm not going to go into any of the details, but it was a lot.
It was a lot for me to mentally process. And so So when I would try and discuss
some of the ways I was feeling and how did I, you know, what were some tips
(04:32):
to best approach this child?
Of course, this child had a counselor and a therapist and a caseworker and all the people, right?
But truly, how do you parent this child differently?
How do you, how do I as a person deal with the emotions that I was feeling just
trying to mentally process that this happened to a child? So I remember being
(04:53):
told I could have a mentor and that they could help me find a mentor.
I did remember having a few calls with a mentor, but then that was the interesting
part is I ended up finding out that the mentor would then go share some of kind
of like the certifier certification person that I had would go check in with
the mentor and say, how is she? Is she doing okay?
(05:16):
Is she processing this well? and then the mentor would go report back.
And it just, it felt a little bit like I didn't have a safe place.
And I truly feel like that's the safe place, that emotional soundboard,
that emotional processing, that emotional just person who's going to stand in
the gap is really missing in the foster care system.
(05:39):
There is counselors and therapists for the children.
There's counselors and therapists for the birth parents. There might even be
counselors and therapists for the social workers and the extended birth family
if they need like family counseling or wraparound services,
but there's no counseling services for the foster parent.
(05:59):
That's hard. That's really hard because what that means is, you know, the true truth, right?
The foster care system is meant to reunify families.
It's meant to help the birth families and the children and get them to a place
that's healthy and functioning or functioning and in process of getting better.
(06:23):
It's really truly meant to support them.
So all of the services that are available available are
there for everybody else but the foster
parent and so I know I experienced this
a lot is I would feel really
isolated and like who do I talk to and if you're a current foster parent right
(06:44):
now or considering getting into foster care or you're an adoptive parent I don't
know if you've ever felt this way but I imagine you have I imagine you have
felt alone and you You just want somebody who gets it to listen.
Who do you turn to for every question that you have?
And as a foster parent, especially as a brand new foster parent,
(07:06):
I don't know that it ever got easier per se.
Like I kind of learned the system. I navigated it. But I still always had so
many questions because it's such an unknown.
Every single day, something could change in the foster care system with a child.
You know, they might have a judge who makes a different order and it's a quick
pivot that needs to happen.
Or maybe the birth mom is no longer a potential placement or resource for the child.
(07:31):
So maybe now they're looking at the birth father, or maybe the birth father has changed.
And so maybe they're looking at extended family, and then a grandmother pops
up from who knows where, but they found her or maybe a great aunt when they did a search.
And so every single day, it could be so different. And there's all these unknowns
that are constantly being thrown at you.
(07:53):
You know, if you imagine somebody who's juggling balls, and they just keep throwing
another ball at you, and you just need to keep them juggling,
you just need to keep them going.
All the meanwhile, you need to love and support the children who are in your
home, and somehow yourself.
And that is one of the biggest reasons that I lost myself, because I was in
that state of emotional overwhelm and trying to make sure that all of the kids' needs were met.
(08:18):
And ultimately, there wasn't time for me. There wasn't time for me to even think
about me. So what is the solution?
Because the biggest mistake, the very biggest mistake that I made as a foster
parent was not understanding my role as a foster parent,
not understanding how I fit into the hierarchy of the foster care system.
(08:41):
I want you to think of whether you have began fostering or you're already a foster parent.
I want you to begin to think of the foster parent yourself as an employee of
the caseworker and the child welfare system.
I'm not saying that you necessarily are, but I want you to think about it in
(09:01):
that framework because every single thing that you have a conversation with
somebody about is documented.
Much like if you're an employee and you're going to have conversations with
your supervisor, they're going to document things.
Now, imagine you're really stressed out, you're so overwhelmed,
(09:23):
you're emotionally just maybe distraught, upset about a decision that's made
because you don't agree with it. And trust me, this will happen a lot.
You go to your certification person or you go to the caseworker and you say
how upset you are about it. Maybe you even shed some tears.
Maybe you're distraught about it. Maybe you put your foot down because you're
(09:43):
advocating for the child, which is your job as a foster parent.
But within limits because ultimately the guardian of the foster child is the
caseworker and the state. You're the foster parent.
It's this fine line. So let's say you're advocating for this foster child and
you're so upset because you feel in your soul it is the wrong decision and you
(10:06):
stand up to the caseworker or you stand up to the certification department and
you say I disagree and you're upset.
I want you to think of that in the framework as if you're an employee and you
go to your boss and you are upset and passionate and you are putting your foot
down because that was one of the biggest mistakes.
I looked at the certification department and the caseworkers,
(10:30):
like I was on equal footing, like we were in this together, like we were partners
in advocating for this child.
And the truth is the caseworker is in partnership with the foster parent,
the birth parent, the foster child, but they are the main advocate.
(10:51):
They are what you feel you are for that child.
It's this crazy shift, this paradigm shift that happened for me after leaving the foster care world.
I realized how when I would get upset or I would get frustrated or I would feel
like I need to put my foot down or I would need to advocate for something that was contrary to.
(11:13):
To the caseworker, which is ultimately the caseworker's in charge.
When I did that, it was like going to battle with your employer.
And it doesn't end well. It doesn't work out well when you're telling a caseworker
what they should be doing or what you would be doing if they were really thinking of the child.
(11:39):
You guys, this totally took me back. And I was only able to to see this once
I was no longer a foster parent, which I was removed from the whole kind of
like, you know, when hindsight is 20-20, when I was able to look back and say, wow,
I was pretty arrogant thinking that I knew better because ultimately I was so
(12:00):
protective of this child and that's my job, right?
But the caseworker sees the entire big picture.
And I know sometimes as foster parents, we feel like we see all of it too.
But truthfully, we don't. Every single bit of information is never shared with us.
There's bits and pieces, conversations with birth families and extended families
(12:21):
and the children's attorneys and CASAs and our certifiers.
Your certifier's conversation based on what they think your mental kind of fitness is.
If your certification person came came over to your house and you are super
upset and you were like, I'm not okay with this.
(12:42):
They document that. They document that. And it's almost like,
I want you to think of this as like an unruly employee. You're not playing the game right.
Doesn't that sound crazy? Like for me, I never would have even thought that,
believed that, or I didn't see it that way.
I didn't have enough support. And so the support that I then turned to and what
(13:05):
became my support was my certifier and the children's caseworkers.
I became super close with them and I shared everything with them.
How I was feeling, how my kids were doing, how what
things I was struggling with I overshared and
ultimately when you overshare you're oversharing
(13:25):
and this is such a shift for me this I
wish I would have known this this is probably one of
the biggest things I wish I would have known is that your job
as a foster parent is to take care
of the foster child in your home support the
reunification plan until that becomes
until that changes but that is always your
(13:46):
top priority is to support the reunification plan with
their biological family it's not to vocalize
that you want to be in adoptive placement it's not to do anything contrary to
what the wishes of the caseworker for that child are and their attorney that
was so completely not the way I operated and what I realized so once you are
(14:10):
no longer or a foster parent, you can ask for your file.
You can ask for the complete history of every single thing that every single
certifier, every single caseworker has written up about your family.
I had no idea there was such a thing, but literally every phone call that they
have with you, there's documentation on the phone call.
There's documentation on how you're presenting emotionally.
(14:34):
There's documentation on how you're handling a situation. You guys, that blew my mind.
I thought these certifiers and these caseworkers were like my friends.
And it ultimately boiled down to, because I didn't have enough support,
I took the employees of the state, which their job was to protect this child
(14:55):
and their birth family and reconnect them for reunification.
I was a foster parent. So I want you to look at yourself and look at that relationship
with the caseworker and the the certifier and I'm not telling you not to share with them.
I am not telling you to not be open with them and build a relationship with them.
But I want you to remember that foster parenting, you are paid a stipend.
(15:20):
And so in some regards, this can and should be looked at as it's your job.
You show up your very best anytime you have conversations with caseworkers or
certifiers or attorneys or anybody who's coming in your home to visit the child.
You show up your best for your family and for the child who's in your home.
(15:40):
And that's where you need to find outside support so that you can have your
cup filled and you can process your emotions with somebody else other than the
caseworker and the certification department and anybody else related to the child.
The information you share with them should be strictly focused on the child,
(16:01):
their needs, and anything that they need to know that would impact that child in your home.
If you're feeling stressed out, you're having panic attacks.
You're overwhelmed, you didn't sleep very well, oversharing.
Unless it's asked of you, that's oversharing.
I would encourage you to really look at these caseworkers as your employers.
(16:21):
And I know no, that's not what they are. But I am asking you to reframe it in
your mind that the conversations that you have with them, they matter because
they're being documented.
So how do you process your feelings? Because you need to trust me.
I processed my feelings with caseworkers and certifiers and attorneys and everybody I shouldn't have.
(16:42):
And like I said, that's probably one of the biggest mistakes I made is I was an over sharer.
I'm sorry, I only got five hours of sleep. I'm I'm sorry, I'm exhausted right now. I'm so tired.
So what does that make them think? Why can't she balance this?
Maybe these kids are too much. They're looking for signs, any signs,
that this child is thriving in your home or there should be concerns.
(17:04):
And when there's concerns, even the tiniest one, they're going to start looking for more concerns.
Have you ever heard that phrase, like, if you think you're right, you're right.
And if you think you're wrong, you're wrong. Whatever your mind is looking for,
you're going to find it. You will.
Our brains have this incredible mechanism called the reticular activating system.
And it's, for instance, if you are looking like you are in love with this blue
(17:29):
car and whatever brand it is. And then suddenly, every time you're driving on
the freeway, you see this blue car.
It's not because there's suddenly more of them. It's because that's what your
brain is looking for. So you will find it.
So if somebody has a concern about you because of your emotional overwhelm or
a situation that happened or anything like that, they're going to keep looking.
(17:53):
And I promise they will find more because nobody's perfect.
You're not perfect. I'm not perfect.
But people usually find what they're looking for. So what can you do?
I'm going to encourage you to get a foster parent coach.
I'm going to ask you to look for somebody maybe in the foster care community.
It doesn't need to be an assigned mentor that is going to be reporting back
(18:15):
to your caseworker, but it could be too.
But I want you to find a safe person that you can process your emotions with.
You can talk out hard situations and there's no judgment and they will just allow you to vent.
It is a hard job to be a foster parent it's emotionally
taxing you need to get it out stuffed emotions go somewhere and usually what
(18:39):
happens is they make you sick they can cause all kinds of physical things they
can lead to lack of sleep that's why you need to process it another option is
you can get you you can hire a therapist.
You can go once a week to therapy, completely process your emotions,
and then talk to the therapist and say, what of this is important that I share?
(19:01):
You can also journal out your emotions and then look through your journaling
and say, is any of this really that I need to share with the caseworkers?
I remember when I was a foster parent and I would send an email and it was kind of like a dear diary.
This is what the child was struggling with. This is what happened.
This is how I'm feeling about it. this is what's going
(19:22):
on in the house why did i share all of that i
have no idea a lot of what i
shared wasn't pertinent to the case it didn't need to be said another
option is you can hire a coach whether that's for one time a month one time
a week i did offer that in the facebook group that you do have access to hire
me for one session 30 minute session an hour session regularly if if that's
(19:47):
something that you need.
There is also, maybe you have a friend that is willing to just be your buddy
and say, you know, I am your safe person.
I will process this with you. Maybe there's a woman in a church group who is
willing to be that person for you that's going to help you and just listen and
support you and love you.
You really also want to look for somebody who's willing to give you the hard truth.
(20:11):
I've had some foster parents ask me questions.
They probably I probably didn't like the answer I gave them,
and I knew ultimately they would realize the answer that I did give them was
probably right, but they weren't ready to hear it.
So I think that's another thing, too, is having somebody who was willing to
say the hard things and say.
I realize that you are super stressed out with this and you are struggling and
(20:34):
this is overwhelming for you.
And I would encourage you to get a night away from your house,
go to the beach for the weekend.
I would encourage you to spend a few hours at the gym every day to let go of some of this.
I want to encourage you with this episode is that you need support.
(20:55):
Foster parents desperately need emotional support, but your emotional support
cannot and should not be your caseworker,
your certifier, or anybody in that hierarchy of the child welfare system that
is supporting that child.
You need a safe place that you can process to be able to get the feelings out
(21:16):
and then come back and say, okay, now that I feel better, I have to talk it
out, I have to get it out, and then I feel better.
Unfortunately, I was talking it out, getting it out to the people I shouldn't
have. Of course, I want to reemphasize, you always want to share the important
details about the child.
You always want to make sure that you are never holding anything back that a
(21:39):
caseworker or the certification department needs to know.
Never hold things back that are important to the case.
You have to keep your emotions in check.
You have to show up as your very best self at every single visit when these
people come to your house.
Remember the first time that you went in and maybe you filled out the paperwork
or maybe this hasn't been the first time yet,
(21:59):
but I want you to when that first time is to mentally process how you're feeling
first time you show up into the child welfare office and fill out your paperwork
to become a foster parent.
Did you dress a little bit nicer? Did you smile more? Did you talk carefully? Were you thoughtful?
Did you put your best foot forward? That's what I'm asking you to do every single
(22:23):
time they come over or you have an interaction.
Because I want them to see you for your best self.
And if you're in a place where you can't be your best self, that's a trigger
where you need to say, okay, I'm not my best self.
What do I need to do to take care of me so that next time they come over or
they call all, I am not verbally vomiting my emotions on them because I need to get them out.
(22:47):
You can also find additional resources in the Facebook group.
You will find the information for that in the show notes.
I am so thankful that you guys are hearing this and I am praying ultimately
that you figure out what level of support you need for yourself emotionally
and that you don't make the biggest mistake that I did.
Music.
(23:35):
Community of like-minded mamas in my private Facebook group by searching what
to expect while fostering and adopting on Facebook.
Music.
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