January 25, 2024 • 26 mins
Join me today in an insightful edition of 'What to Expect While Fostering and Adopting' podcast, as we unravel the complexities of self-sabotaging behaviors prevalent among foster children. Dealing with challenging behaviors can seem perplexing, but understanding the root causes can pave the way towards significant change.
Diving deep into the neuroscience behind these actions, the episode unveils how traumatic experiences, subconscious mind, and fear of failure contribute to self-sabotage. We will discuss the importance of brain-reprogramming, offering hope for both foster parents and foster children.
Discover how empathy, open conversations, and practical strategies can aid in reshaping the child's mind, moving them from self-preservation responses to healthier alternatives. With perseverance and care, caregivers have the power to turn the tide and positively transform lives. Tune in for practical tips and words of encouragement for your foster care journey.
After you listen to this episode, I would love for you to head on over and join our inner circle of foster mamas. Our Facebook group is your gateway to valuable resources, connection and to find out more about 1:1 coaching.
So, go grab your cup of coffee and let's dig in.
Christine Marie
If you found this episode helpful, I would love for you to leave me a review on apple podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/what-to-expect-while-fostering-and-adopting-adopting/id1701306333
Join the inner circle community of like-minded mamas at: https://www.facebook.com/groups/fostercareandadoptionforchristianwomen
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:07):
Welcome to the What to Expect While Fostering and Adopting podcast show.
If you're a foster mom on the journey to adoption, already adopted,
or somewhere in the middle, trying to figure out how to navigate the foster
care system, wanting to grow your family through adoption,
trying to balance everything, or stuck in that space of all things unknown,
you're in the right place.
What if there was a way to fast track your knowledge, prepare you for the good
(00:29):
and the hard, and somebody who could answer that long list of questions I know you have.
Hi friend, I'm Christy Marie, biblical mindset coach, adoptive mom,
and previous foster parent of 77 children.
Yep, you heard that right, 77 kiddos. I'm your host, and my goal is to help
make your journey a lot easier by sharing my best tools, techniques,
(00:50):
and skills that helped me pivot from foster care to adoption,
fully surrender, and trust the process.
I'm about to bring some calm to the chaos and show you how to navigate through
this journey with a whole lot of grace.
So go grab your cup of coffee and let's jump in.
Music.
(01:11):
Okay, so my first question for you, have you ever been drinking a cup of coffee
and you lost it somewhere in your house?
Okay, I know I have. Or have you ever driven somewhere and when you get there,
you're like, how did I end up here? How did I don't even remember driving here.
Okay, I know you guys resonated with probably one of those.
(01:35):
Today, we're going to talk about a topic about challenging behavior or self-sabotage,
but I have to address a little bit of brain science with you first so that we can dig into that.
Now, I didn't have any brain science knowledge prior when I was a foster parent.
Oh my goodness, I think it would have changed so much had I.
(01:57):
If I had known what the subconscious mind, the conscious mind,
had I known any of those things.
I think had I heard those words previously, I probably would have thought that
was some weird, I don't even know.
But it makes a huge difference in the day to day.
And especially when we're talking about challenging behaviors and self-sabotage
(02:22):
with our foster children or or children in general, I wanted to touch on this.
When children, and you too, when you were a child from the age of zero to five,
every single life experience was programming your subconscious mind.
That's when a lot of the programming happened.
But then as you got older, you know, more programming continued to happen.
(02:43):
I want you to think of when a baby's born, that their brain is similar to like
a hard drive. Of course, it's not, but just giving you an analogy.
And every single time they cried, if nobody got them, if nobody cared for them,
nobody nurtured them, that was
a brain pathway that was formed that nobody's going to take care of me.
(03:05):
Nobody's going to comfort me. I have to take care of myself.
If they were loved and cherished and taken care of, that was a brain pathway that was formed.
Now, this is the crazier part too. When they were in utero, they had brain pathways
that were being formed as well.
So much of who they are in their childhood or in their adult years or in their
(03:30):
teenage years is because of the programming, because of their experiences that
happened and these brain pathways that were formed.
I'm just going to throw a few, few numbers at you. And then we can dive into
today's topic. 95% of every single thing that your foster child or child does
is happening out of their subconscious mind.
(03:50):
So when I asked you about that cup of coffee, it's because you,
if you drink coffee, you probably drink coffee every single day.
Like your body knows how to make the cup of coffee.
Your brain has put that procedure on autopilot.
It has made that run in your subconscious mind because it's preserving that
(04:11):
5% of your brain for the new activities, the new things you need to learn,
the new experiences that are going to hit you throughout the day.
So what happens as you get older, as these children get older,
every memory, everything that happens to them is put into a brain pathway.
So if it's a fear pathway, if it's a joy pathway, if it's a different experiences,
(04:35):
a bunch of different pathways are formed in your child's brain.
95% of everything that they're doing is already programmed.
It's running on autopilot because our brain does that.
It's like if you were to think of like a filing cabinet, it says like fear,
it's going to take every scary situation.
It's going to write it on a notepad and it's going to put it in that folder.
(04:57):
It's going to have a joy folder and i'm
just giving you examples and it's going to write down every joyful
experience and it's going to put it in that folder and this is the most simple
form of course those become pathways in the brain so that your brain can automate
itself automate what you're doing so that you can run efficiently so 95 of every
(05:19):
single thing we do as i said is ran ran in our subconscious mind.
5% of your child's day is ran in their conscious mind.
So what does that mean? When they're brushing their teeth, they do that every
day, or you're helping them brush their teeth, you help them every day.
That's very quickly programmed into their subconscious mind.
(05:39):
When they're at school and they're learning something new, that's not programmed yet.
So So that is running on their conscious mind. I share all of that to say,
when your child is having a challenging behavior.
Is it a challenging behavior or is it self-sabotage?
(05:59):
This was something that I did not know anything about brain science before I was a foster parent.
So every situation with our children, with our foster children and our adoptive
children, I looked at it as why do they keep making these same mistakes over and over and over again?
Why do they keep having these same bad behaviors?
(06:22):
Why do I keep talking to them about the same thing?
Have you ever said like, I feel like we have had this conversation so many times
and you're not listening and you're not paying attention.
I am so frustrated. If you've ever felt like you are angry, like so agitated,
like so overwhelmed because you're like, why can't they get it?
(06:47):
This might help you today. I know I felt all those feelings as a foster parent
and still, yes, as an adoptive parent, you guys, and I know the brain science
and I still feel this way.
So as you know, my heart's mission with this podcast is truly to help you embrace
your journey and have so much more ease in your journey because you hear from
(07:09):
me and all of my Kodawara Shodas.
So one of the first thing is looking at challenging behaviors with children as maybe possibly.
It could actually be self-sabotage and there
could maybe possibly be a way for you to intervene and help them shift their
(07:31):
challenging behavior that's ran in their subconscious mind on autopilot and
shift it into a new behavior running in their conscious mind.
Are you ready to dive in? I'm so excited. You guys, I wish I would have known
this. Self-sabotage can be described as behaviors or thought patterns that hold
you back and prevent you.
(07:53):
And I want to highlight that word prevent.
They literally will stop you in your tracks because you continue to do the same
thing over and over again.
And it is holding you back.
So I'm going to read through a few behaviors that you might see from your foster
child if they are self-sabotaging. They don't set boundaries and make excuses.
(08:18):
So not setting boundaries might be that they're unsafe. They're not protecting themselves.
They're allowing other people to hurt them, get in their space, treat them badly.
They're acting inappropriately. And then they're making excuses about why they
did a certain thing or they continue to,
(08:38):
I mean, sometimes we see this with stealing or lying and they're continuing
to do it and and then making excuses,
or they're blaming others when anything goes wrong. Nothing is their fault.
They might be procrastinating or picking fights.
They might choose friends that are not the right people that they should be hanging around with.
(09:00):
They have an inability to state their needs or speak up for themselves.
They might put themselves down often. This could be an example of,
I am so dumb. What is wrong with me?
Why can't I ever figure this out? Statements like that.
They might dwell on their mistakes and always keep like a running tally of all
(09:20):
the things that they've done wrong.
And they bring those things up and they're holding it against themselves.
So where does self-sabotage come from? Self-sabotage, and this is why I brought
up the brain science, is because it is caused, one of the causes is caused by a traumatic childhood.
How many of these foster children have had a traumatic childhood?
(09:41):
Even in utero, some of these children were exposed to drugs and alcohol and things that hurt them.
And I don't know if you've ever seen, but you can watch some of these ultrasounds
of children when parents are using drugs and it's painful for these babies in utero.
(10:03):
So they are being traumatized during
these experiences or traumatized as an infant or traumatized or going through
really traumatic experiences in their childhood and every single hard experience
is carving a brain pathway and making it deeper.
(10:23):
I want to give you an example on that too is if I want you to think about like
a brain pathway as if you've ever seen like maybe a dirt road and a cars will,
you know, maybe dirt bikes or cars travel on it and they go in the same place every single time.
And pretty soon there's such a deep rut where the tires were that every car
(10:48):
that then passes on that road drives in that same spot because it's just easier.
So that's the same thing with our thoughts is your brain is trying to conserve
as much energy as possible so it is running on what's on the autopilot.
So if a child had a lot of experiences in their childhood of fear.
(11:11):
You might see them self-sabotaging as an inability for them to state their needs.
They might be too scared to speak up. Maybe they don't even have a voice.
Maybe they think it's safer to just never share how they're actually feeling.
And that's the brain pathway that's carved.
(11:33):
And so their brain says, okay, we're going to place this on autopilot because
so many of these experiences happened that this brain pathway is so strong and
built that we're going to run on this.
Now your brain creates can create a
new pathway which is what's so absolutely incredible
about our brains is that you can in essence
(11:57):
reprogram new brain pathways and make the grooves on those new pathways so deep
that your brain will start working on autopilot on those new pathways so we're
going to talk about that and how you can do that with your child self-sabotage
can be caused by a traumatic childhood,
which I think we can all safely agree that if a child is in foster care,
(12:20):
they probably most likely have had a traumatic childhood.
It's also caused by fear of failure. This also really made me think about these
foster children and their life is so unstable and they don't know what's coming next.
I've seen a lot of foster children want to be perfect.
They want to to please you. Now this might not last forever.
(12:44):
Oftentimes it's called like the honeymoon period and it will last for,
it can be any amount of time, a few days, a few weeks, a few months.
It can even last until they're adopted.
And then the mask comes off and then they realize, I don't have to be perfect anymore.
And their true personality begins to come out. But it's
(13:05):
fear of failure will lead them to want to
be so perfect that they're on
edge like in fight or flight all the
time and it's fight flight freeze or
fawn those are some other words you can look up and dig into that we will eventually
get there just not today but that fear of failure so maybe they don't set boundaries
(13:29):
maybe they do want to blame other people for things that happen because they
don't want to be in trouble because they don't want you to think anything less
than what they want you to think of them.
The other reason can be need for control.
I think in foster care, the only thing in talking to a lot of different caseworkers
and medical professionals and whatnot.
(13:49):
If you go down to the very root, the only thing that foster children are truly
ultimately 100% in control of.
And you guys, this is really raw, but is what they eat, what they put in their
mouth and going to the bathroom.
Those are the only two things they actually truly have control of.
(14:11):
Now, do they have control of what's served to them on a plate?
No, but they have control of, unless they have eating, you know,
special eating things where they really don't have control, they have control
of what they decide to put in their mouth.
And that's so sad. But if you think about it.
Did they have a choice in where they were placed?
Probably not. Do they have a choice in how their foster parents treat them? Probably not.
(14:36):
Do they have a choice that they were removed from their birth family?
Probably not. Do they have a choice in how they're feeling?
No. So their need for control, for them to be able to control the situation,
control what others think about them, to be able to control the environment.
I've seen foster children wear a lot of different masks.
(14:58):
And when I say masks, that means that they might be one personality to one person,
one personality at school.
One personality with their caseworkers and they're
like a chameleon like they eventually get become
able to mold to whoever they're around because
they have this persona that they want you to
(15:19):
believe about them so that they can ultimately
control themselves so those
are the three things the top three things that can lead to
self-sabotage which are a traumatic childhood
fear of failure and the need for control so that
now that we've talked a little bit about the brain science we've talked a
little bit about self-sabotage and like I said I
(15:40):
used to just believe that these children were
having challenging behaviors and it was so frustrating when it would never stop
now are there's you know challenging behaviors that some children are able to
learn from and move on from yes that's not what I'm talking about what I'm talking
about is how to identify self-sabotage in a foster child or in your own child.
(16:03):
And then what do you do? How do you help them?
One way to help them overcome self-sabotage is identifying the behavior with
them, pausing them, pulling them aside.
And I'm going to give you steps for that in a second. To step in with them into
the present moment and identifying the behavior with them is the very best way
(16:27):
to help them to begin to create new brain pathways.
So it takes 67 days on average to create a new brain pathway.
So imagine how many conversations that's going to take and how many practice
moments that's going to take to help create a new brain pathway that is stronger
(16:49):
and more rooted and more grooved than the other one that they're living in.
It's a lot, but it's absolutely possible and it's absolutely worth it.
If you are noticing any of these self-sabotaging behaviors in your child,
what I want you to do is start by writing down what you're noticing.
Does it happen around certain events? One of our children, we were noticing
(17:14):
that every single time we give them a new privilege, and it could be any kind of privilege.
Maybe it's a new device. Maybe it's being able to go out somewhere.
Maybe it's being able to go out and hang out with friends.
Whatever the privilege was, we realized it was rooted in that.
Any time this child was given an additional privilege,
(17:36):
this child would begin to self-sabotage within
one week and we only realized this because we started
documenting what we were seeing because it was
a lot of times of being so frustrated like why
am I seeing this again and then once I started
learning about the brain science I thought oh my goodness let me start documenting
what I'm seeing and eventually you'll put enough clues together that you'll
(18:01):
say oh my goodness I'm noticing every time before this event maybe maybe it's
before a visit maybe it's after a visit.
Maybe it's prior to the holidays.
Maybe it's prior to their birthday.
A lot of times foster kids have self-sabotaging that happens prior to an anniversary
(18:21):
of when they came into care.
Looking for the behaviors and documenting these things and then once you figure
out what it it is, then I want you to pray about it.
And then I want you to not take these behaviors personally.
Try your best. And I say try your best because this is still a work in progress for me.
(18:44):
But try your best to not take the behaviors personally and realize they are
operating out of their their subconscious mind,
and you have the ability to help them retrain their brain to undo some of the
traumatic brain pathways that were formed while they were in their childhood.
(19:06):
Once you identify what it is, when it's happening, then I want you to lovingly,
and I say lovingly, and you need to be in the right mindset, right?
Because these children could possibly be putting themselves down, right?
That's one of the symptoms of self-sabotage or dwelling in all their mistakes.
(19:28):
So I want you to come to them from a place of curiosity.
And say, I would love to talk to you because I'm noticing a few things.
And I would love to know if you're noticing these.
And have their full attention. Be sitting face to face with them.
And you can do this even if they're
four or five and up. And have that conversation saying, you know what?
(19:49):
I noticed when this happened.
So for instance, when I gave you that privilege to go to the library,
library I noticed as soon as we got home that
you did blank or you
looked maybe a little stressed out did
you notice that too so I want you to
(20:09):
begin to in a loving way have that conversation and the whole point of it is
to identify the behavior and I want you to share with them I'm coming to you
because I really want to help you work past this and I'm noticing this and then
a question, are you noticing this as well?
Is there certain things that you're feeling when you come home from a visit?
(20:31):
You're trying to pull them into their conscious mind and then have that conversation with them.
And then I want you to come up with an alternative solution.
So I noticed when you went to the library, when you came home,
you started retreating to your room and you got got very quiet.
(20:52):
You were no longer talking to the family.
Or I noticed when I dropped you off to spend some time with your friends,
that when you came back, you started picking fights with your siblings.
And I'm just wondering if you noticed that you were, and maybe you don't use
the word picking fights, but I noticed you were upset with your siblings.
(21:15):
Did you notice that? And then ask permission.
I was wondering if next time I notice this, I would really like to help you overcome this.
Is it okay if I point it out to you? Because I really want to help you work
through this. So let's talk about if it's a younger kid.
Maybe they are not speaking up for what their needs are.
(21:36):
They went to a friend's house and they came home hungry because they didn't
eat because their friend's mom made something they didn't like.
And then when they came home, they were hungry, they're frustrated,
they were angry with everybody and crying.
So that would be a conversation where you could say to them
is it okay if we have a conversation because I
(21:57):
noticed when you came home from your friend's house you were really upset
is it okay if I ask you what happened at your friend's house and it's really
all about having that curiosity and having the conversation not immediately
right when it's happening but afterwards so that they can be emotionally in a good place.
(22:19):
You have had time to process it, but then you are identifying the behavior.
Identifying what happened with them, and then asking them if it's okay if the
next time that you notice something similar, if you bring it up.
And then I want you to come up with an alternative.
So an example would be, so next time you go to the library and you come home,
(22:45):
what is something that we could do?
Is there something I could do that would help make that transition back easier?
One thing that we really struggled with a lot of times was when kids went on
visits with their birth families.
That was really triggering a lot of the times, and I'm not saying because the
birth families were bad, but because there's a lot of emotions wrapped around that.
(23:08):
So that would be maybe they come home and they're distant,
or maybe they're not nice to the other kids in the house,
or maybe they eat a lot of food when they come home because they're overwhelmed
and they're trying to manage their emotions with food.
(23:29):
So that conversation might be, I noticed when you, and this could even be with
a five-year-old, I noticed when you came home from your visit today,
you were upset and you were extra hungry.
And I was wondering if it was okay if we could talk about that.
Having that conversation with them and identifying the behavior of what you
(23:53):
are noticing from them with empathy,
with love, and then asking them permission if you can from now on.
Identify every time you see this behavior with them so that you can help them
come up with a plan to make a healthier choice. That is.
(24:14):
Is something that I truly wish that I would have known is to have,
I guess, the lenses, the glasses to be able to look at a situation rather than
seeing it as challenging behaviors,
but seeing it as, is this self-sabotage?
Is this child or teenager, are they having any of these behaviors?
(24:39):
And I'm not saying, I'm not saying that every challenging behavior is self-sabotage,
but I am saying it possibly could be.
So I am just encouraging you to look
at every situation with a different lens
and giving you that ability to help your child overcome these behaviors if that
(25:03):
is what they're struggling with by choosing something different and helping
them create new brain pathways.
I also want to encourage you that if this episode was helpful for you to please
review it on Apple Podcasts and also head over to our Facebook group.
(25:23):
You will find more information for that in the show notes.
And then also, if you are looking for any more additional, very specific support,
I will be opening up and these are paid.
Work with me one-on-one. So these These are one hour coaching spots.
I will be making five available every single month for anybody who feels like
(25:45):
they need more support or help with their very specific situation.
You can find out more about that
in the Facebook group that's in the show notes. Thanks for being here.
Music.
Hey friend, I hope that you loved today's episode. I pray it blessed you and
(26:06):
helped you see that you have a friend in your corner who truly understands what
you're walking through.
If so, would you share this episode
with someone who's been praying for a breakthrough in their own journey?
It would also bless me big time and help others to find this podcast if you
would leave a review on Apple Podcasts.
You can also submit your questions, topics that you would like covered,
and find a community of like-minded mamas in my private Facebook group by searching
(26:29):
What to Expect While Fostering and Adopting on Facebook.
Music.
Music.
(00:07):
Welcome to the What to Expect While Fostering and Adopting podcast show.
If you're a foster mom on the journey to adoption, already adopted,
or somewhere in the middle, trying to figure out how to navigate the foster
care system, wanting to grow your family through adoption,
trying to balance everything, or stuck in that space of all things unknown,
you're in the right place.
What if there was a way to fast track your knowledge, prepare you for the good
(00:29):
and the hard, and somebody who could answer that long list of questions I know you have.
Hi friend, I'm Christy Marie, biblical mindset coach, adoptive mom,
and previous foster parent of 77 children.
Yep, you heard that right, 77 kiddos. I'm your host, and my goal is to help
make your journey a lot easier by sharing my best tools, techniques,
(00:50):
and skills that helped me pivot from foster care to adoption,
fully surrender, and trust the process.
I'm about to bring some calm to the chaos and show you how to navigate through
this journey with a whole lot of grace.
So go grab your cup of coffee and let's jump in.
Music.
(01:11):
Okay, so my first question for you, have you ever been drinking a cup of coffee
and you lost it somewhere in your house?
Okay, I know I have. Or have you ever driven somewhere and when you get there,
you're like, how did I end up here? How did I don't even remember driving here.
Okay, I know you guys resonated with probably one of those.
(01:35):
Today, we're going to talk about a topic about challenging behavior or self-sabotage,
but I have to address a little bit of brain science with you first so that we can dig into that.
Now, I didn't have any brain science knowledge prior when I was a foster parent.
Oh my goodness, I think it would have changed so much had I.
(01:57):
If I had known what the subconscious mind, the conscious mind,
had I known any of those things.
I think had I heard those words previously, I probably would have thought that
was some weird, I don't even know.
But it makes a huge difference in the day to day.
And especially when we're talking about challenging behaviors and self-sabotage
(02:22):
with our foster children or or children in general, I wanted to touch on this.
When children, and you too, when you were a child from the age of zero to five,
every single life experience was programming your subconscious mind.
That's when a lot of the programming happened.
But then as you got older, you know, more programming continued to happen.
(02:43):
I want you to think of when a baby's born, that their brain is similar to like
a hard drive. Of course, it's not, but just giving you an analogy.
And every single time they cried, if nobody got them, if nobody cared for them,
nobody nurtured them, that was
a brain pathway that was formed that nobody's going to take care of me.
(03:05):
Nobody's going to comfort me. I have to take care of myself.
If they were loved and cherished and taken care of, that was a brain pathway that was formed.
Now, this is the crazier part too. When they were in utero, they had brain pathways
that were being formed as well.
So much of who they are in their childhood or in their adult years or in their
(03:30):
teenage years is because of the programming, because of their experiences that
happened and these brain pathways that were formed.
I'm just going to throw a few, few numbers at you. And then we can dive into
today's topic. 95% of every single thing that your foster child or child does
is happening out of their subconscious mind.
(03:50):
So when I asked you about that cup of coffee, it's because you,
if you drink coffee, you probably drink coffee every single day.
Like your body knows how to make the cup of coffee.
Your brain has put that procedure on autopilot.
It has made that run in your subconscious mind because it's preserving that
(04:11):
5% of your brain for the new activities, the new things you need to learn,
the new experiences that are going to hit you throughout the day.
So what happens as you get older, as these children get older,
every memory, everything that happens to them is put into a brain pathway.
So if it's a fear pathway, if it's a joy pathway, if it's a different experiences,
(04:35):
a bunch of different pathways are formed in your child's brain.
95% of everything that they're doing is already programmed.
It's running on autopilot because our brain does that.
It's like if you were to think of like a filing cabinet, it says like fear,
it's going to take every scary situation.
It's going to write it on a notepad and it's going to put it in that folder.
(04:57):
It's going to have a joy folder and i'm
just giving you examples and it's going to write down every joyful
experience and it's going to put it in that folder and this is the most simple
form of course those become pathways in the brain so that your brain can automate
itself automate what you're doing so that you can run efficiently so 95 of every
(05:19):
single thing we do as i said is ran ran in our subconscious mind.
5% of your child's day is ran in their conscious mind.
So what does that mean? When they're brushing their teeth, they do that every
day, or you're helping them brush their teeth, you help them every day.
That's very quickly programmed into their subconscious mind.
(05:39):
When they're at school and they're learning something new, that's not programmed yet.
So So that is running on their conscious mind. I share all of that to say,
when your child is having a challenging behavior.
Is it a challenging behavior or is it self-sabotage?
(05:59):
This was something that I did not know anything about brain science before I was a foster parent.
So every situation with our children, with our foster children and our adoptive
children, I looked at it as why do they keep making these same mistakes over and over and over again?
Why do they keep having these same bad behaviors?
(06:22):
Why do I keep talking to them about the same thing?
Have you ever said like, I feel like we have had this conversation so many times
and you're not listening and you're not paying attention.
I am so frustrated. If you've ever felt like you are angry, like so agitated,
like so overwhelmed because you're like, why can't they get it?
(06:47):
This might help you today. I know I felt all those feelings as a foster parent
and still, yes, as an adoptive parent, you guys, and I know the brain science
and I still feel this way.
So as you know, my heart's mission with this podcast is truly to help you embrace
your journey and have so much more ease in your journey because you hear from
(07:09):
me and all of my Kodawara Shodas.
So one of the first thing is looking at challenging behaviors with children as maybe possibly.
It could actually be self-sabotage and there
could maybe possibly be a way for you to intervene and help them shift their
(07:31):
challenging behavior that's ran in their subconscious mind on autopilot and
shift it into a new behavior running in their conscious mind.
Are you ready to dive in? I'm so excited. You guys, I wish I would have known
this. Self-sabotage can be described as behaviors or thought patterns that hold
you back and prevent you.
(07:53):
And I want to highlight that word prevent.
They literally will stop you in your tracks because you continue to do the same
thing over and over again.
And it is holding you back.
So I'm going to read through a few behaviors that you might see from your foster
child if they are self-sabotaging. They don't set boundaries and make excuses.
(08:18):
So not setting boundaries might be that they're unsafe. They're not protecting themselves.
They're allowing other people to hurt them, get in their space, treat them badly.
They're acting inappropriately. And then they're making excuses about why they
did a certain thing or they continue to,
(08:38):
I mean, sometimes we see this with stealing or lying and they're continuing
to do it and and then making excuses,
or they're blaming others when anything goes wrong. Nothing is their fault.
They might be procrastinating or picking fights.
They might choose friends that are not the right people that they should be hanging around with.
(09:00):
They have an inability to state their needs or speak up for themselves.
They might put themselves down often. This could be an example of,
I am so dumb. What is wrong with me?
Why can't I ever figure this out? Statements like that.
They might dwell on their mistakes and always keep like a running tally of all
(09:20):
the things that they've done wrong.
And they bring those things up and they're holding it against themselves.
So where does self-sabotage come from? Self-sabotage, and this is why I brought
up the brain science, is because it is caused, one of the causes is caused by a traumatic childhood.
How many of these foster children have had a traumatic childhood?
(09:41):
Even in utero, some of these children were exposed to drugs and alcohol and things that hurt them.
And I don't know if you've ever seen, but you can watch some of these ultrasounds
of children when parents are using drugs and it's painful for these babies in utero.
(10:03):
So they are being traumatized during
these experiences or traumatized as an infant or traumatized or going through
really traumatic experiences in their childhood and every single hard experience
is carving a brain pathway and making it deeper.
(10:23):
I want to give you an example on that too is if I want you to think about like
a brain pathway as if you've ever seen like maybe a dirt road and a cars will,
you know, maybe dirt bikes or cars travel on it and they go in the same place every single time.
And pretty soon there's such a deep rut where the tires were that every car
(10:48):
that then passes on that road drives in that same spot because it's just easier.
So that's the same thing with our thoughts is your brain is trying to conserve
as much energy as possible so it is running on what's on the autopilot.
So if a child had a lot of experiences in their childhood of fear.
(11:11):
You might see them self-sabotaging as an inability for them to state their needs.
They might be too scared to speak up. Maybe they don't even have a voice.
Maybe they think it's safer to just never share how they're actually feeling.
And that's the brain pathway that's carved.
(11:33):
And so their brain says, okay, we're going to place this on autopilot because
so many of these experiences happened that this brain pathway is so strong and
built that we're going to run on this.
Now your brain creates can create a
new pathway which is what's so absolutely incredible
about our brains is that you can in essence
(11:57):
reprogram new brain pathways and make the grooves on those new pathways so deep
that your brain will start working on autopilot on those new pathways so we're
going to talk about that and how you can do that with your child self-sabotage
can be caused by a traumatic childhood,
which I think we can all safely agree that if a child is in foster care,
(12:20):
they probably most likely have had a traumatic childhood.
It's also caused by fear of failure. This also really made me think about these
foster children and their life is so unstable and they don't know what's coming next.
I've seen a lot of foster children want to be perfect.
They want to to please you. Now this might not last forever.
(12:44):
Oftentimes it's called like the honeymoon period and it will last for,
it can be any amount of time, a few days, a few weeks, a few months.
It can even last until they're adopted.
And then the mask comes off and then they realize, I don't have to be perfect anymore.
And their true personality begins to come out. But it's
(13:05):
fear of failure will lead them to want to
be so perfect that they're on
edge like in fight or flight all the
time and it's fight flight freeze or
fawn those are some other words you can look up and dig into that we will eventually
get there just not today but that fear of failure so maybe they don't set boundaries
(13:29):
maybe they do want to blame other people for things that happen because they
don't want to be in trouble because they don't want you to think anything less
than what they want you to think of them.
The other reason can be need for control.
I think in foster care, the only thing in talking to a lot of different caseworkers
and medical professionals and whatnot.
(13:49):
If you go down to the very root, the only thing that foster children are truly
ultimately 100% in control of.
And you guys, this is really raw, but is what they eat, what they put in their
mouth and going to the bathroom.
Those are the only two things they actually truly have control of.
(14:11):
Now, do they have control of what's served to them on a plate?
No, but they have control of, unless they have eating, you know,
special eating things where they really don't have control, they have control
of what they decide to put in their mouth.
And that's so sad. But if you think about it.
Did they have a choice in where they were placed?
Probably not. Do they have a choice in how their foster parents treat them? Probably not.
(14:36):
Do they have a choice that they were removed from their birth family?
Probably not. Do they have a choice in how they're feeling?
No. So their need for control, for them to be able to control the situation,
control what others think about them, to be able to control the environment.
I've seen foster children wear a lot of different masks.
(14:58):
And when I say masks, that means that they might be one personality to one person,
one personality at school.
One personality with their caseworkers and they're
like a chameleon like they eventually get become
able to mold to whoever they're around because
they have this persona that they want you to
(15:19):
believe about them so that they can ultimately
control themselves so those
are the three things the top three things that can lead to
self-sabotage which are a traumatic childhood
fear of failure and the need for control so that
now that we've talked a little bit about the brain science we've talked a
little bit about self-sabotage and like I said I
(15:40):
used to just believe that these children were
having challenging behaviors and it was so frustrating when it would never stop
now are there's you know challenging behaviors that some children are able to
learn from and move on from yes that's not what I'm talking about what I'm talking
about is how to identify self-sabotage in a foster child or in your own child.
(16:03):
And then what do you do? How do you help them?
One way to help them overcome self-sabotage is identifying the behavior with
them, pausing them, pulling them aside.
And I'm going to give you steps for that in a second. To step in with them into
the present moment and identifying the behavior with them is the very best way
(16:27):
to help them to begin to create new brain pathways.
So it takes 67 days on average to create a new brain pathway.
So imagine how many conversations that's going to take and how many practice
moments that's going to take to help create a new brain pathway that is stronger
(16:49):
and more rooted and more grooved than the other one that they're living in.
It's a lot, but it's absolutely possible and it's absolutely worth it.
If you are noticing any of these self-sabotaging behaviors in your child,
what I want you to do is start by writing down what you're noticing.
Does it happen around certain events? One of our children, we were noticing
(17:14):
that every single time we give them a new privilege, and it could be any kind of privilege.
Maybe it's a new device. Maybe it's being able to go out somewhere.
Maybe it's being able to go out and hang out with friends.
Whatever the privilege was, we realized it was rooted in that.
Any time this child was given an additional privilege,
(17:36):
this child would begin to self-sabotage within
one week and we only realized this because we started
documenting what we were seeing because it was
a lot of times of being so frustrated like why
am I seeing this again and then once I started
learning about the brain science I thought oh my goodness let me start documenting
what I'm seeing and eventually you'll put enough clues together that you'll
(18:01):
say oh my goodness I'm noticing every time before this event maybe maybe it's
before a visit maybe it's after a visit.
Maybe it's prior to the holidays.
Maybe it's prior to their birthday.
A lot of times foster kids have self-sabotaging that happens prior to an anniversary
(18:21):
of when they came into care.
Looking for the behaviors and documenting these things and then once you figure
out what it it is, then I want you to pray about it.
And then I want you to not take these behaviors personally.
Try your best. And I say try your best because this is still a work in progress for me.
(18:44):
But try your best to not take the behaviors personally and realize they are
operating out of their their subconscious mind,
and you have the ability to help them retrain their brain to undo some of the
traumatic brain pathways that were formed while they were in their childhood.
(19:06):
Once you identify what it is, when it's happening, then I want you to lovingly,
and I say lovingly, and you need to be in the right mindset, right?
Because these children could possibly be putting themselves down, right?
That's one of the symptoms of self-sabotage or dwelling in all their mistakes.
(19:28):
So I want you to come to them from a place of curiosity.
And say, I would love to talk to you because I'm noticing a few things.
And I would love to know if you're noticing these.
And have their full attention. Be sitting face to face with them.
And you can do this even if they're
four or five and up. And have that conversation saying, you know what?
(19:49):
I noticed when this happened.
So for instance, when I gave you that privilege to go to the library,
library I noticed as soon as we got home that
you did blank or you
looked maybe a little stressed out did
you notice that too so I want you to
(20:09):
begin to in a loving way have that conversation and the whole point of it is
to identify the behavior and I want you to share with them I'm coming to you
because I really want to help you work past this and I'm noticing this and then
a question, are you noticing this as well?
Is there certain things that you're feeling when you come home from a visit?
(20:31):
You're trying to pull them into their conscious mind and then have that conversation with them.
And then I want you to come up with an alternative solution.
So I noticed when you went to the library, when you came home,
you started retreating to your room and you got got very quiet.
(20:52):
You were no longer talking to the family.
Or I noticed when I dropped you off to spend some time with your friends,
that when you came back, you started picking fights with your siblings.
And I'm just wondering if you noticed that you were, and maybe you don't use
the word picking fights, but I noticed you were upset with your siblings.
(21:15):
Did you notice that? And then ask permission.
I was wondering if next time I notice this, I would really like to help you overcome this.
Is it okay if I point it out to you? Because I really want to help you work
through this. So let's talk about if it's a younger kid.
Maybe they are not speaking up for what their needs are.
(21:36):
They went to a friend's house and they came home hungry because they didn't
eat because their friend's mom made something they didn't like.
And then when they came home, they were hungry, they're frustrated,
they were angry with everybody and crying.
So that would be a conversation where you could say to them
is it okay if we have a conversation because I
(21:57):
noticed when you came home from your friend's house you were really upset
is it okay if I ask you what happened at your friend's house and it's really
all about having that curiosity and having the conversation not immediately
right when it's happening but afterwards so that they can be emotionally in a good place.
(22:19):
You have had time to process it, but then you are identifying the behavior.
Identifying what happened with them, and then asking them if it's okay if the
next time that you notice something similar, if you bring it up.
And then I want you to come up with an alternative.
So an example would be, so next time you go to the library and you come home,
(22:45):
what is something that we could do?
Is there something I could do that would help make that transition back easier?
One thing that we really struggled with a lot of times was when kids went on
visits with their birth families.
That was really triggering a lot of the times, and I'm not saying because the
birth families were bad, but because there's a lot of emotions wrapped around that.
(23:08):
So that would be maybe they come home and they're distant,
or maybe they're not nice to the other kids in the house,
or maybe they eat a lot of food when they come home because they're overwhelmed
and they're trying to manage their emotions with food.
(23:29):
So that conversation might be, I noticed when you, and this could even be with
a five-year-old, I noticed when you came home from your visit today,
you were upset and you were extra hungry.
And I was wondering if it was okay if we could talk about that.
Having that conversation with them and identifying the behavior of what you
(23:53):
are noticing from them with empathy,
with love, and then asking them permission if you can from now on.
Identify every time you see this behavior with them so that you can help them
come up with a plan to make a healthier choice. That is.
(24:14):
Is something that I truly wish that I would have known is to have,
I guess, the lenses, the glasses to be able to look at a situation rather than
seeing it as challenging behaviors,
but seeing it as, is this self-sabotage?
Is this child or teenager, are they having any of these behaviors?
(24:39):
And I'm not saying, I'm not saying that every challenging behavior is self-sabotage,
but I am saying it possibly could be.
So I am just encouraging you to look
at every situation with a different lens
and giving you that ability to help your child overcome these behaviors if that
(25:03):
is what they're struggling with by choosing something different and helping
them create new brain pathways.
I also want to encourage you that if this episode was helpful for you to please
review it on Apple Podcasts and also head over to our Facebook group.
(25:23):
You will find more information for that in the show notes.
And then also, if you are looking for any more additional, very specific support,
I will be opening up and these are paid.
Work with me one-on-one. So these These are one hour coaching spots.
I will be making five available every single month for anybody who feels like
(25:45):
they need more support or help with their very specific situation.
You can find out more about that
in the Facebook group that's in the show notes. Thanks for being here.
Music.
Hey friend, I hope that you loved today's episode. I pray it blessed you and
(26:06):
helped you see that you have a friend in your corner who truly understands what
you're walking through.
If so, would you share this episode
with someone who's been praying for a breakthrough in their own journey?
It would also bless me big time and help others to find this podcast if you
would leave a review on Apple Podcasts.
You can also submit your questions, topics that you would like covered,
and find a community of like-minded mamas in my private Facebook group by searching
(26:29):
What to Expect While Fostering and Adopting on Facebook.
Music.
Popular Podcasts
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.