December 8, 2024 • 26 mins
Episode two of our first series is still all about how our self-obsession is making us miserable, but now we're talking how we can find purpose and community outside of ourselves.
How many times have you heard...
- "Focus on yourself!"
- "You HAVE to put yourself first."
- "Pour all of your energy into your career right now and worry about the rest later."
These sound like innocent messages and good ideas, right? But they're actually a sneaky way the enemy isolates and distracts us from attaining our full potential.
Let's talk through how we can fight back against these messages from the world and find a deeper purpose in our relationships with others.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
We are all wrestling with something.
Whether you're wrestling with your selfimage, your faith in God, or your entire
life's purpose, I'm here to tell you thatnumber one, you are not alone, and number
two, to encourage you to find both beautyand purpose in the midst of your struggle.
My name is Emlett and this isthe Wrestling With Life podcast.
(00:24):
What's up beautiful people?
So happy that you're here and tuning into the second episode of our first series
on the Wrestling With Life podcast.
Last episode we were talkingabout how our self obsession is
what's making us all so miserable.
And we kind of laid the groundfor this brand new series.
We talked a lot about in this agebucket that we're in of like, 22
(00:49):
to 35 years old, working full timeand not having children yet, not
really taking care of a family yet.
It's really normal and reallyunderstandable that we are all kind
of obsessed with ourselves right now.
And in this episode, I wouldlove to talk about how our world
reinforces that message of self.
Bye.
And how we can pick it out of ourdaily messages that we're getting from
(01:13):
social media, from advertisements,from our careers, maybe even
from people in our life that arepounding that message into our head.
How we can recognize the harmthat's actually in that message.
And if that's not the way topeace and purpose, what is?
I would love to talk about how wefind peace and purpose and direction
(01:34):
and community and belonging.
Because I think if you're here.
you at least recognize that themessage of self that the world
gives us is, it's just not it.
It just, it does not lead to thepeace and purpose that it promises.
So if you'd like a little bit morebackground on what we're going to talk
about today and you haven't listenedto the first episode in this series, I
(01:55):
really recommend going back and listeningto that first so you get a better idea
of what we're going to talk about today.
Okay?
So first off, we are told that selfobsession is actually a good thing.
Like, how many times do you scrollon Instagram or Facebook or Twitter
and you see messages like focus onyourself, love yourself, put yourself
(02:17):
first, it's okay to be selfish.
Like, it's constant messages all thetime reaffirming what we're already doing
and pushing us further towards literallyjust caring about ourselves, right?
On top of that, our generation.
grew up with selfies and social media,shameless self promotion, like if
you've ever scrolled on LinkedIn,it is just a constant feed of people
(02:41):
basically patting themselves on theback for the charity work that they're
doing or the promotion that they got orwhatever event they've participated in.
Hate to say I've totally participatedin it, but I have before I realized,
like, how honestly prideful and arrogantand self promoting it really is.
You know, there's so many messagesas well on social media about cutting
(03:04):
out toxic people from your life.
Cancel culture is such a realthing, like no forgiveness and
all about you, you, you, you, you.
And I'll be so honest, I used to 110percent be behind this message of focus
on yourself, get rid of the peoplewho are holding you back, chase your
dreams, don't let anyone stop you,you you you you you you, like I, I 100
(03:28):
percent used to support that message.
And especially in our 20s and30s, right, like this is when
we're building on our career.
Everyone talks about this being our,our selfish years, like enjoy the time
you have now before you have childrenand before you have a family to support.
And there's so much emphasis on, youknow, you're getting started in life.
(03:49):
So make sure that you're really, reallyinvesting in a good foundation right now.
Make sure you're getting yourmoney, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
But if you're anything like me, youmay have believed these narratives
and chased after them and foundyourself in a position of anxiety and
lacking purpose and not feeling likeyou're enough and being in constant
(04:11):
competition with other people.
And you may have tried that routeand just realized that it's not it.
It can't be it because it doesn'tlead to feelings of purpose and
peace, which I feel like that'skind of what we're all after, right?
And kind of where I got to at least in myown journey of following these messages is
(04:32):
I just, I just got to a place of emptinessand I was like, okay, this is not it.
So what is it?
Like, how am I going tofind peace and purpose?
And that's honestly what ultimately ledme back to having a relationship with
God was just getting to this low whereI followed the other narratives of the
world and realized that wasn't going tofulfill me and I needed something bigger
(04:56):
than myself to put my trust in and biggerthan my career and bigger than my ability
to succeed in my own willpower, right?
And what I kind of realized is thatthis message of self that exists is
a really, really sneaky way that theenemy, Satan, literal evil forces, Kind
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of pervert something that can start as avery innocent, good idea of investing in
yourself, wanting to be successful, right?
Those are not necessarily bad things,but he subtly twists those into a
narrative that makes us end up distractedand isolated and keeping us away from
actually reaching our full potential.
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And I think this message of self really,really appeals to a certain group of us
who are in a certain type of emotionalstate or have a certain type of heart
posture towards other people in the world.
And that is a group of people who,one, is really ambitious and has
a lot of big dreams and goals, andtwo, has been hurt by other people.
(06:04):
and has experienced what happenswhen you don't focus on yourself
and you put too many of your eggsin someone else's basket or a group
of people's other basket, right?
Or three, those of us who really,really like to be in control all
the time and we don't like puttingthe outcome of anything in someone
else's hands that isn't us, okay?
(06:26):
And I fit into all threeof those categories in.
At least for me, when I startedturning to kind of like the self help
world and therapy a couple years ago,that was the mindset that I was in.
I was coming off of a series ofevents that really made me not
want to put my trust or my hope inanything else outside of myself.
(06:49):
I had gotten laid off from my firstjob out of school, and I had ended
relationships with some people in my lifethat I loved so much, like deeply, deeply.
And I had experienced what happens whenyou put your identity and your hope and
your love in other people or other things.
Your identity slowly comescrumbling down, right?
(07:09):
And your trust in other thingsoutside yourself comes crumbling
down and you realize how out ofcontrol you are over these things.
And so when you're really ambitious andyou, you know, you want to get things
done, you tend to have control issues.
And I can at least say that from myown experience, like, you want to be
in the driver's seat because you'relike, if I want to get to where I
(07:32):
want to go, I have to get us there.
It's in my power to get us there.
And if you've been hurt, you put yourtrust in other people, they let you down,
you spend a lot of time investing into arelationship that doesn't pan out, you're
going to be in this position of hurt.
And so then you're going to hold onreally, really tightly to control
and trust and wanting to invest inanything outside yourself, right?
(07:56):
It makes sense.
So this message of self, of focusing onyourself, caring about yourself, cutting
other people off, just caring about you,it's going to really, really appeal to
anybody who's in that position, right?
And I want to be clear that when we gothrough really, really difficult times
where the rug literally gets pulledout from underneath us and life as we
(08:19):
know it gets turned upside down, and weare really not okay, it is completely
understandable that we're going toinvest in ourselves more during that
time than we normally would, right?
What I'm saying here is that It'snot bad to focus on yourself.
It's not bad to want to grow andimprove or to take some time to heal
(08:40):
after you've been knocked down, right?
But when self becomes a lifestyleand all you care about is you and
you're constantly prioritizingyourself over others, That's when
it's the enemy working and it's theenemy fostering pride in you, right?
Because it's important at times toinvest in yourself, but it is not the
(09:02):
way to peace and purpose long term.
Pride is going to blossomso quickly in your heart.
You're going to be competingwith anyone and everyone.
You're always going to be comparing andlooking to your left and your right.
And you're always going tofeel like you're not enough.
If you've ever read the book ofEcclesiastes, the writer refers
to this as chasing the wind.
(09:24):
Literally chasing everythingbut God to fulfill you.
And that's always coming froma prideful, heart posture.
You don't want to put your trust in God.
You don't want to admit that youneed Him because you're convinced
that you can figure it out byyourself, that you can save yourself.
So we need a greater purpose outsideof ourselves to fight for, to get
(09:49):
behind, to put our energy into.
And I think this is where a lot ofus get really tripped up because
we're like, I don't even knowwhat to put all of my purpose and
my energy and my attention into.
Sometimes we don't even know what we like.
Like, sometimes we arejust trying to get by.
We have a career.
We have obligations.
(10:09):
We have so much to do.
And it's like, I don't have time tofind purpose in extracurriculars, right?
And if this is you and you're inthat position, I want to tell you
a very encouraging story of kind ofhow I feel like I found my purpose
once I finally took this up with God.
I just see God all over this and I, Ijust think it's divine intervention.
(10:32):
I can't see how it isn't.
So about three months ago, I wasreally, really, really struggling to.
feel like I had a greaterpurpose outside myself.
I was convicted by God that I had justbeen living really selfishly, and I
wanted to make change in my own life,but I didn't know what that looked like
(10:52):
or how it was going to get there, right?
So it started with me just turning Godand saying, Hey God, I need your help.
I can't figure this out by myself.
Can you order my steps?
Can I just give you all that I amand everything that I long to be?
Can I put it at your feet andcan you tell me what to do?
And what I will say is that Idon't think God ever reveals
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the full picture right away.
I think he just givesus the next right step.
And I can certainly tell you from myown experience over the last few months
that that's exactly how he works ishe just gives us the next right step.
So around this time that Ihad finally turned to God, My
jeep was having some issues.
It was like the check engine lightand the control panel was coming on.
(11:37):
I asked my dad, I don't even know how allthis stuff works, but basically he told
me that I needed to take it to the shop.
At the same time, like within thesame couple weeks of this happening,
I got a flyer in the mail thatwas addressed to the previous
tenant who lived there before me.
And I had just moved into my apartment,probably like, a month before this,
and there was a coupon in that flyerfor exactly what I needed done.
(12:00):
So I was like, this is perfect.
I'm going to book an appointmentwith this automotive shop.
And then I go in within thesame week they fit me in.
And I actually ended up being therefor like three or four hours in
the morning because they were justslammed and super busy, even though
what I needed done was pretty simple.
And I got to talking withthe people at the front desk.
They were so nice.
They were great.
We had a lot of great conversations, butI ended up telling them that I worked
(12:24):
remote and I go to coffee shops a lot toget out of my apartment, so I'm not always
in the same place to work every day.
And they told me about this greatcoffee shop down the street.
They're like, you have to go check it out.
So as soon as I wrapped up my appointmentthere, I head to the coffee shop.
And I'm on my lunch break, I got somecoffee, I got a little snack, and
then I'm deciding, okay, I'm going toread the Bible for a little bit and
(12:47):
just hang out here, and then I'm goingto go home to finish out the day.
So I'm reading the Bible, and thena little gust of wind picks up the
napkin off of my table, and it floatsover to the person sitting next to me.
And this guy picks up the napkin andbrings it over to me and sees that
I'm reading the Bible and strikes up aconversation about the book of Matthew.
That's what I was reading.
(13:08):
Come to find out he's a believer as well.
So we start talking about faith.
And what was so crazy is this manwas super, super involved with
a ministry that, you know, flashforward to today, I am super
involved with called Vigilant Hope.
encounter that I had with him,that meeting with him was literally
(13:30):
divinely orchestrated because from thatconversation about a week later, you
know, we had gotten each other's contactinformation about a week later, he hits
me up and he's like, Hey, Emily, there'sa Crazy cool opportunity for you if
you're interested in it, which I thinkyou are based off of our conversations
to do this Activity through vigilant.
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Hope and I really thinkyou should consider it.
It's this weekend I know it's last minutebut pray about it think about it and he
had actually done this activity beforeit's called a poverty simulation and
Basically, to sum it up, for 48 hours,participants of this activity experience
what it's like to go through homelessness.
(14:14):
And I can't talk about all thedetails, I really, really wish I
could, but it's, it's basically justshowing you exactly what it would
be like to be in that position.
They make it as real as possible.
And he had done this beforeand just talked about how
deeply it impacted his life.
The whole point of the activity is to,um, gain a greater empathy for what
(14:35):
our friends who live on the streetare experiencing so that we know how
to better help them and have a betterrelationship with them and support them.
So, long story short, I end up doingthat activity and I can confirm that
it literally changed my life and itis the reason why I am incredibly
involved in Vigilant Hope today.
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I just look at that situation and I'mlike, holy crap, I never would have
met that person at that coffee shopif my jeep hadn't been acting up and
I hadn't got that flyer in the mail.
And the lady at the shop hadn'trecommended this coffee shop.
And my friend, he just happenedto be there at that time.
Like none of that was a coincidence.
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And the way that my heart andmy life has changed since I
did the poverty simulation.
And since I started getting involved withVigilant Hope, it's just been really,
really crazy and hard to really put intowords the way that that impacted my life.
But I really want you guys to seethat that started with a simple
prayer of me coming to God and saying,Hey God, I can't do this by myself.
(15:41):
Can you please help mefind greater purpose?
Flash forward to today with VigilantHope, I'm going to Potlucks Weekly, where
everyone brings a dish and we sit down andwe all share a hot meal together, anybody
who's hungry and wants to hang out.
And it's just a really cool way tohave community and feel like you're
contributing to something outside ofyourself, and it takes the focus off of
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you and puts the focus onto how can Iserve and love and give to other people.
And so if you're finding it reallydifficult to know where to start
and where to find purpose, I justwant to encourage you to ask God.
And you can even start with askingyourself, what lights me up?
What kind of activities, what kindof opportunities make me excited
(16:27):
and make me feel like I am making adifference and make me feel happy?
Am I artsy?
Am I sporty?
Am I change oriented?
Am I service oriented?
Do I like my job?
Participating in big group activities.
Do I prefer one on one things?
Like, what is it?
And then look for thoseopportunities around you.
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And this leads me to bringup the idea of third spaces.
Have y'all ever heard of this?
It's basically like home is your first.
space, work is your second space, andthen your third space is something
that is not work and is not home, thatis a third space that you frequent
a lot and you have community there.
And I think third spaces are severely,severely lacking, especially in
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our age bucket, because We'retrying to balance everything.
We're trying to balance work.
We're trying to balance all of the demandsof home life, you know, managing or
running a home, laundry, dishes, keepingeverything clean and also relaxing, right?
Like if you had a long, long day at work,sometimes all you want to do is come
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home and binge watch Netflix, right?
However, we are severely lackingthird spaces and I think that is
why we are so cut off to communityand greater purpose as well.
So.
Third spaces could literally be anything.
Some that I've found since I moved tomy new city are run club on Mondays.
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I go to a run club where I meet up witha group of people who like to run and we
do a group run around the city together.
We start and end at a brewery so thenpeople stay and have drinks after and
there's prize giveaways and my roommateand I have even started like a little
fun pickleball group that stays and playspickleball at a nearby court afterwards.
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So that's been a really cool third spaceto get to know people there and get to
spend time and get to be active together.
I'm also on a soccer team and asand volleyball team throughout the
week, so there's a fourth and fifthspace for me to have community.
And then, like I mentioned, I've beensuper involved with Vigilant Hope and the
potluck dinners that they do on Thursdays.
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So, it's sharing a meal withpeople and coming and having
community and having conversationand building that relationship.
And so, I've created a bunch of thirdspaces for myself and I can't tell
you how much that has helped me feelmore purpose and more peace and more
plugged into the community around me.
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These kind of things areliterally everywhere.
If you're a sporty person, as anadult, I'm telling you, sports are
not over for us because we're notin high school or college anymore.
There are intramural andrec leagues everywhere.
And a lot of them are co ed too.
So if you're single, it's a greatway to meet other single people
too and not be on the apps, right?
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I see so many people complainingabout like, how am I ever going to
meet someone if I'm not on the apps?
You are missing a third space,if that's your mentality.
Go join a club.
Join a Bible study.
Join a book club.
Join a sports rec league.
Like, there are just so manyways that you can meet people.
You can find an artsy group thatgets together and paints or does
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pottery or does crafts together.
You can join a knitting group.
You can like, there are groups forliterally whatever you're interested in.
You just have to do someresearch and try to find them.
But I, I honestly think we shouldnot underestimate the power of those.
Third space is I really think that'show we're going to find community and
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whatever kind of community you do find,make sure that it's a reoccurring group
and actually gives you a chance toconnect with people during the group.
Because church is a really toughthird space because I feel like
a lot of us kind of show up forthe message and then we leave.
Like there's not a lot of timeto deeply, deeply connect with
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people and get to know them.
So you want to find something where you'regoing to have downtime where you can
actually have conversation and get to knowthe people around you and then make sure
it's reoccurring like I would say once aweek minimum because if you're then doing
like bi weekly or once a month, you'rejust really not seeing people a lot and
you're not able to connect consistently.
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You're not able to keeptabs in their life.
And if you're meeting once amonth, that's 12 times a year.
Like it's really hard to builda relationship where you're
not seeing people consistently.
You know what I'm saying?
So do some research, spendsome time talking to God.
I really think that that is thefirst step to finding purpose,
direction, and community.
(21:09):
So the whole point of this episode,and I really hope that I communicated
this well, is that we really trulyneed to look outside ourselves
to find the purpose, direction,and community that we all crave.
And this might sound like a very, verysimple concept for some of us, but
I don't know about you, I've been socaught up in trying to build my career,
(21:30):
trying to make money, trying to setmyself up for financial freedom and, you
know, buy a house, and I've just beenso, so focused and grind mode on me and
building my future that I have forgotten.
community.
I completely forgot community for a while.
I got really comfortable before Imoved from Ohio to North Carolina.
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Like, I got really set in my ways in Ohioand I was seeing the same people a lot.
Not that that's a bad thing, but I kindof had my friend group established.
I wasn't really seekingcommunity outside of that.
And I honestly was feelingvery, very alone a lot.
I wasn't plugged into achurch community up there.
I definitely wasn't going to a run club.
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I was playing soccer, but it waswith a group of the same people.
And I don't know, I guess all in all, Ijust really wasn't pushing myself to find
a deeper purpose and deeper community.
Like I was pretty versedin my ways, set in my ways.
And so when I moved, like, I just reallymade it a point to get involved in
new things and to praying to talk toGod about how can I create community?
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How can I find morepurpose outside of myself?
And that has just given meso much more peace because I
feel so much more connected.
I feel more invested inpeople's lives around me.
I feel like I'm not worried so much aboutMy self climbing and my self proving
and achieving and I'm more focused onjust honestly enjoying life, having fun,
(23:00):
growing relationships, getting to knowpeople, and spreading my love where I
can in person, you know, not just online,which I feel like I was really, really
online running my podcast and doingmy job and just kind of like living
in my own little bubble back in Ohio.
And the last thing that I'llsay, too, is I'm now living with
(23:21):
a roommate in North Carolina.
And before that, for the last two years,I had been living completely on my own.
And I can tell you from my ownexperience, the way that my mental
health has improved just by livingwith someone else, like living in.
cohabitating with anotherhuman being has been insane.
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Like, I just feel so much less alone.
I feel so much moreconnected to other people.
I am more eager to get out and godo things because I'm having that
connection already and it givesme this sense of being plugged
in and more connected to others.
Just like having someone around andall in all, like, I just feel happier
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and I think a lot of us can spend a lotof time in isolation by ourselves and
not really even realize it, especiallythose of us that live by ourselves
and are working remotely or we're justspending a lot of our time online.
Being online all the time gives us sucha false sense of being plugged in, right?
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So, if that's you, again, I'm not sayingany of this to shame you, I'm just, I'm
just saying this to let you know thetruth and let you know my own experience.
Like, life is not meant to be done alone,and when we can find community and we
can find purpose outside of ourselvesand find a cause that we really care
about, I genuinely think that that'sjust going to lead us to feeling so
(24:47):
much more peace and purpose, guys.
So take it up with God.
That's a conversation between y'all.
I really hope you liked this secondepisode of our series of self
obsession and how it's destroying us.
And tune in to the third episodein this same series for more
on this exact same topic.
Until we talk again, I hope y'all havea fantastic week and we'll talk soon.
(25:12):
Bye.
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(25:33):
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with out there, sharing everyday littlelife moments, and encouraging all of
(25:55):
us to find both beauty and purposein the midst of our daily struggles.
So come join in on the good vibes.
And real quick, before you go, thisis just a little quick reminder
on what this podcast is not, okay?
A Wrestling With Life podcast andany content posted on my channels is
presented solely for informationaland educational purposes.
(26:18):
The use of this information is at yourown risk and should not be substituted
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If you're struggling with your mentalhealth, please consider seeking
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Please don't try to getthrough this by yourself, okay?
(26:38):
You are not alone.
We are all wrestling with something.
Whether you're wrestling with your selfimage, your faith in God, or your entire
life's purpose, I'm here to tell you thatnumber one, you are not alone, and number
two, to encourage you to find both beautyand purpose in the midst of your struggle.
My name is Emlett and this isthe Wrestling With Life podcast.
(00:24):
What's up beautiful people?
So happy that you're here and tuning into the second episode of our first series
on the Wrestling With Life podcast.
Last episode we were talkingabout how our self obsession is
what's making us all so miserable.
And we kind of laid the groundfor this brand new series.
We talked a lot about in this agebucket that we're in of like, 22
(00:49):
to 35 years old, working full timeand not having children yet, not
really taking care of a family yet.
It's really normal and reallyunderstandable that we are all kind
of obsessed with ourselves right now.
And in this episode, I wouldlove to talk about how our world
reinforces that message of self.
Bye.
And how we can pick it out of ourdaily messages that we're getting from
(01:13):
social media, from advertisements,from our careers, maybe even
from people in our life that arepounding that message into our head.
How we can recognize the harmthat's actually in that message.
And if that's not the way topeace and purpose, what is?
I would love to talk about how wefind peace and purpose and direction
(01:34):
and community and belonging.
Because I think if you're here.
you at least recognize that themessage of self that the world
gives us is, it's just not it.
It just, it does not lead to thepeace and purpose that it promises.
So if you'd like a little bit morebackground on what we're going to talk
about today and you haven't listenedto the first episode in this series, I
(01:55):
really recommend going back and listeningto that first so you get a better idea
of what we're going to talk about today.
Okay?
So first off, we are told that selfobsession is actually a good thing.
Like, how many times do you scrollon Instagram or Facebook or Twitter
and you see messages like focus onyourself, love yourself, put yourself
(02:17):
first, it's okay to be selfish.
Like, it's constant messages all thetime reaffirming what we're already doing
and pushing us further towards literallyjust caring about ourselves, right?
On top of that, our generation.
grew up with selfies and social media,shameless self promotion, like if
you've ever scrolled on LinkedIn,it is just a constant feed of people
(02:41):
basically patting themselves on theback for the charity work that they're
doing or the promotion that they got orwhatever event they've participated in.
Hate to say I've totally participatedin it, but I have before I realized,
like, how honestly prideful and arrogantand self promoting it really is.
You know, there's so many messagesas well on social media about cutting
(03:04):
out toxic people from your life.
Cancel culture is such a realthing, like no forgiveness and
all about you, you, you, you, you.
And I'll be so honest, I used to 110percent be behind this message of focus
on yourself, get rid of the peoplewho are holding you back, chase your
dreams, don't let anyone stop you,you you you you you you, like I, I 100
(03:28):
percent used to support that message.
And especially in our 20s and30s, right, like this is when
we're building on our career.
Everyone talks about this being our,our selfish years, like enjoy the time
you have now before you have childrenand before you have a family to support.
And there's so much emphasis on, youknow, you're getting started in life.
(03:49):
So make sure that you're really, reallyinvesting in a good foundation right now.
Make sure you're getting yourmoney, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
But if you're anything like me, youmay have believed these narratives
and chased after them and foundyourself in a position of anxiety and
lacking purpose and not feeling likeyou're enough and being in constant
(04:11):
competition with other people.
And you may have tried that routeand just realized that it's not it.
It can't be it because it doesn'tlead to feelings of purpose and
peace, which I feel like that'skind of what we're all after, right?
And kind of where I got to at least in myown journey of following these messages is
(04:32):
I just, I just got to a place of emptinessand I was like, okay, this is not it.
So what is it?
Like, how am I going tofind peace and purpose?
And that's honestly what ultimately ledme back to having a relationship with
God was just getting to this low whereI followed the other narratives of the
world and realized that wasn't going tofulfill me and I needed something bigger
(04:56):
than myself to put my trust in and biggerthan my career and bigger than my ability
to succeed in my own willpower, right?
And what I kind of realized is thatthis message of self that exists is
a really, really sneaky way that theenemy, Satan, literal evil forces, Kind
(05:16):
of pervert something that can start as avery innocent, good idea of investing in
yourself, wanting to be successful, right?
Those are not necessarily bad things,but he subtly twists those into a
narrative that makes us end up distractedand isolated and keeping us away from
actually reaching our full potential.
(05:39):
And I think this message of self really,really appeals to a certain group of us
who are in a certain type of emotionalstate or have a certain type of heart
posture towards other people in the world.
And that is a group of people who,one, is really ambitious and has
a lot of big dreams and goals, andtwo, has been hurt by other people.
(06:04):
and has experienced what happenswhen you don't focus on yourself
and you put too many of your eggsin someone else's basket or a group
of people's other basket, right?
Or three, those of us who really,really like to be in control all
the time and we don't like puttingthe outcome of anything in someone
else's hands that isn't us, okay?
(06:26):
And I fit into all threeof those categories in.
At least for me, when I startedturning to kind of like the self help
world and therapy a couple years ago,that was the mindset that I was in.
I was coming off of a series ofevents that really made me not
want to put my trust or my hope inanything else outside of myself.
(06:49):
I had gotten laid off from my firstjob out of school, and I had ended
relationships with some people in my lifethat I loved so much, like deeply, deeply.
And I had experienced what happens whenyou put your identity and your hope and
your love in other people or other things.
Your identity slowly comescrumbling down, right?
(07:09):
And your trust in other thingsoutside yourself comes crumbling
down and you realize how out ofcontrol you are over these things.
And so when you're really ambitious andyou, you know, you want to get things
done, you tend to have control issues.
And I can at least say that from myown experience, like, you want to be
in the driver's seat because you'relike, if I want to get to where I
(07:32):
want to go, I have to get us there.
It's in my power to get us there.
And if you've been hurt, you put yourtrust in other people, they let you down,
you spend a lot of time investing into arelationship that doesn't pan out, you're
going to be in this position of hurt.
And so then you're going to hold onreally, really tightly to control
and trust and wanting to invest inanything outside yourself, right?
(07:56):
It makes sense.
So this message of self, of focusing onyourself, caring about yourself, cutting
other people off, just caring about you,it's going to really, really appeal to
anybody who's in that position, right?
And I want to be clear that when we gothrough really, really difficult times
where the rug literally gets pulledout from underneath us and life as we
(08:19):
know it gets turned upside down, and weare really not okay, it is completely
understandable that we're going toinvest in ourselves more during that
time than we normally would, right?
What I'm saying here is that It'snot bad to focus on yourself.
It's not bad to want to grow andimprove or to take some time to heal
(08:40):
after you've been knocked down, right?
But when self becomes a lifestyleand all you care about is you and
you're constantly prioritizingyourself over others, That's when
it's the enemy working and it's theenemy fostering pride in you, right?
Because it's important at times toinvest in yourself, but it is not the
(09:02):
way to peace and purpose long term.
Pride is going to blossomso quickly in your heart.
You're going to be competingwith anyone and everyone.
You're always going to be comparing andlooking to your left and your right.
And you're always going tofeel like you're not enough.
If you've ever read the book ofEcclesiastes, the writer refers
to this as chasing the wind.
(09:24):
Literally chasing everythingbut God to fulfill you.
And that's always coming froma prideful, heart posture.
You don't want to put your trust in God.
You don't want to admit that youneed Him because you're convinced
that you can figure it out byyourself, that you can save yourself.
So we need a greater purpose outsideof ourselves to fight for, to get
(09:49):
behind, to put our energy into.
And I think this is where a lot ofus get really tripped up because
we're like, I don't even knowwhat to put all of my purpose and
my energy and my attention into.
Sometimes we don't even know what we like.
Like, sometimes we arejust trying to get by.
We have a career.
We have obligations.
(10:09):
We have so much to do.
And it's like, I don't have time tofind purpose in extracurriculars, right?
And if this is you and you're inthat position, I want to tell you
a very encouraging story of kind ofhow I feel like I found my purpose
once I finally took this up with God.
I just see God all over this and I, Ijust think it's divine intervention.
(10:32):
I can't see how it isn't.
So about three months ago, I wasreally, really, really struggling to.
feel like I had a greaterpurpose outside myself.
I was convicted by God that I had justbeen living really selfishly, and I
wanted to make change in my own life,but I didn't know what that looked like
(10:52):
or how it was going to get there, right?
So it started with me just turning Godand saying, Hey God, I need your help.
I can't figure this out by myself.
Can you order my steps?
Can I just give you all that I amand everything that I long to be?
Can I put it at your feet andcan you tell me what to do?
And what I will say is that Idon't think God ever reveals
(11:14):
the full picture right away.
I think he just givesus the next right step.
And I can certainly tell you from myown experience over the last few months
that that's exactly how he works ishe just gives us the next right step.
So around this time that Ihad finally turned to God, My
jeep was having some issues.
It was like the check engine lightand the control panel was coming on.
(11:37):
I asked my dad, I don't even know how allthis stuff works, but basically he told
me that I needed to take it to the shop.
At the same time, like within thesame couple weeks of this happening,
I got a flyer in the mail thatwas addressed to the previous
tenant who lived there before me.
And I had just moved into my apartment,probably like, a month before this,
and there was a coupon in that flyerfor exactly what I needed done.
(12:00):
So I was like, this is perfect.
I'm going to book an appointmentwith this automotive shop.
And then I go in within thesame week they fit me in.
And I actually ended up being therefor like three or four hours in
the morning because they were justslammed and super busy, even though
what I needed done was pretty simple.
And I got to talking withthe people at the front desk.
They were so nice.
They were great.
We had a lot of great conversations, butI ended up telling them that I worked
(12:24):
remote and I go to coffee shops a lot toget out of my apartment, so I'm not always
in the same place to work every day.
And they told me about this greatcoffee shop down the street.
They're like, you have to go check it out.
So as soon as I wrapped up my appointmentthere, I head to the coffee shop.
And I'm on my lunch break, I got somecoffee, I got a little snack, and
then I'm deciding, okay, I'm going toread the Bible for a little bit and
(12:47):
just hang out here, and then I'm goingto go home to finish out the day.
So I'm reading the Bible, and thena little gust of wind picks up the
napkin off of my table, and it floatsover to the person sitting next to me.
And this guy picks up the napkin andbrings it over to me and sees that
I'm reading the Bible and strikes up aconversation about the book of Matthew.
That's what I was reading.
(13:08):
Come to find out he's a believer as well.
So we start talking about faith.
And what was so crazy is this manwas super, super involved with
a ministry that, you know, flashforward to today, I am super
involved with called Vigilant Hope.
encounter that I had with him,that meeting with him was literally
(13:30):
divinely orchestrated because from thatconversation about a week later, you
know, we had gotten each other's contactinformation about a week later, he hits
me up and he's like, Hey, Emily, there'sa Crazy cool opportunity for you if
you're interested in it, which I thinkyou are based off of our conversations
to do this Activity through vigilant.
(13:52):
Hope and I really thinkyou should consider it.
It's this weekend I know it's last minutebut pray about it think about it and he
had actually done this activity beforeit's called a poverty simulation and
Basically, to sum it up, for 48 hours,participants of this activity experience
what it's like to go through homelessness.
(14:14):
And I can't talk about all thedetails, I really, really wish I
could, but it's, it's basically justshowing you exactly what it would
be like to be in that position.
They make it as real as possible.
And he had done this beforeand just talked about how
deeply it impacted his life.
The whole point of the activity is to,um, gain a greater empathy for what
(14:35):
our friends who live on the streetare experiencing so that we know how
to better help them and have a betterrelationship with them and support them.
So, long story short, I end up doingthat activity and I can confirm that
it literally changed my life and itis the reason why I am incredibly
involved in Vigilant Hope today.
(14:57):
I just look at that situation and I'mlike, holy crap, I never would have
met that person at that coffee shopif my jeep hadn't been acting up and
I hadn't got that flyer in the mail.
And the lady at the shop hadn'trecommended this coffee shop.
And my friend, he just happenedto be there at that time.
Like none of that was a coincidence.
(15:17):
And the way that my heart andmy life has changed since I
did the poverty simulation.
And since I started getting involved withVigilant Hope, it's just been really,
really crazy and hard to really put intowords the way that that impacted my life.
But I really want you guys to seethat that started with a simple
prayer of me coming to God and saying,Hey God, I can't do this by myself.
(15:41):
Can you please help mefind greater purpose?
Flash forward to today with VigilantHope, I'm going to Potlucks Weekly, where
everyone brings a dish and we sit down andwe all share a hot meal together, anybody
who's hungry and wants to hang out.
And it's just a really cool way tohave community and feel like you're
contributing to something outside ofyourself, and it takes the focus off of
(16:05):
you and puts the focus onto how can Iserve and love and give to other people.
And so if you're finding it reallydifficult to know where to start
and where to find purpose, I justwant to encourage you to ask God.
And you can even start with askingyourself, what lights me up?
What kind of activities, what kindof opportunities make me excited
(16:27):
and make me feel like I am making adifference and make me feel happy?
Am I artsy?
Am I sporty?
Am I change oriented?
Am I service oriented?
Do I like my job?
Participating in big group activities.
Do I prefer one on one things?
Like, what is it?
And then look for thoseopportunities around you.
(16:50):
And this leads me to bringup the idea of third spaces.
Have y'all ever heard of this?
It's basically like home is your first.
space, work is your second space, andthen your third space is something
that is not work and is not home, thatis a third space that you frequent
a lot and you have community there.
And I think third spaces are severely,severely lacking, especially in
(17:15):
our age bucket, because We'retrying to balance everything.
We're trying to balance work.
We're trying to balance all of the demandsof home life, you know, managing or
running a home, laundry, dishes, keepingeverything clean and also relaxing, right?
Like if you had a long, long day at work,sometimes all you want to do is come
(17:35):
home and binge watch Netflix, right?
However, we are severely lackingthird spaces and I think that is
why we are so cut off to communityand greater purpose as well.
So.
Third spaces could literally be anything.
Some that I've found since I moved tomy new city are run club on Mondays.
(17:56):
I go to a run club where I meet up witha group of people who like to run and we
do a group run around the city together.
We start and end at a brewery so thenpeople stay and have drinks after and
there's prize giveaways and my roommateand I have even started like a little
fun pickleball group that stays and playspickleball at a nearby court afterwards.
(18:17):
So that's been a really cool third spaceto get to know people there and get to
spend time and get to be active together.
I'm also on a soccer team and asand volleyball team throughout the
week, so there's a fourth and fifthspace for me to have community.
And then, like I mentioned, I've beensuper involved with Vigilant Hope and the
potluck dinners that they do on Thursdays.
(18:40):
So, it's sharing a meal withpeople and coming and having
community and having conversationand building that relationship.
And so, I've created a bunch of thirdspaces for myself and I can't tell
you how much that has helped me feelmore purpose and more peace and more
plugged into the community around me.
(19:01):
These kind of things areliterally everywhere.
If you're a sporty person, as anadult, I'm telling you, sports are
not over for us because we're notin high school or college anymore.
There are intramural andrec leagues everywhere.
And a lot of them are co ed too.
So if you're single, it's a greatway to meet other single people
too and not be on the apps, right?
(19:22):
I see so many people complainingabout like, how am I ever going to
meet someone if I'm not on the apps?
You are missing a third space,if that's your mentality.
Go join a club.
Join a Bible study.
Join a book club.
Join a sports rec league.
Like, there are just so manyways that you can meet people.
You can find an artsy group thatgets together and paints or does
(19:45):
pottery or does crafts together.
You can join a knitting group.
You can like, there are groups forliterally whatever you're interested in.
You just have to do someresearch and try to find them.
But I, I honestly think we shouldnot underestimate the power of those.
Third space is I really think that'show we're going to find community and
(20:05):
whatever kind of community you do find,make sure that it's a reoccurring group
and actually gives you a chance toconnect with people during the group.
Because church is a really toughthird space because I feel like
a lot of us kind of show up forthe message and then we leave.
Like there's not a lot of timeto deeply, deeply connect with
(20:26):
people and get to know them.
So you want to find something where you'regoing to have downtime where you can
actually have conversation and get to knowthe people around you and then make sure
it's reoccurring like I would say once aweek minimum because if you're then doing
like bi weekly or once a month, you'rejust really not seeing people a lot and
you're not able to connect consistently.
(20:48):
You're not able to keeptabs in their life.
And if you're meeting once amonth, that's 12 times a year.
Like it's really hard to builda relationship where you're
not seeing people consistently.
You know what I'm saying?
So do some research, spendsome time talking to God.
I really think that that is thefirst step to finding purpose,
direction, and community.
(21:09):
So the whole point of this episode,and I really hope that I communicated
this well, is that we really trulyneed to look outside ourselves
to find the purpose, direction,and community that we all crave.
And this might sound like a very, verysimple concept for some of us, but
I don't know about you, I've been socaught up in trying to build my career,
(21:30):
trying to make money, trying to setmyself up for financial freedom and, you
know, buy a house, and I've just beenso, so focused and grind mode on me and
building my future that I have forgotten.
community.
I completely forgot community for a while.
I got really comfortable before Imoved from Ohio to North Carolina.
(21:53):
Like, I got really set in my ways in Ohioand I was seeing the same people a lot.
Not that that's a bad thing, but I kindof had my friend group established.
I wasn't really seekingcommunity outside of that.
And I honestly was feelingvery, very alone a lot.
I wasn't plugged into achurch community up there.
I definitely wasn't going to a run club.
(22:16):
I was playing soccer, but it waswith a group of the same people.
And I don't know, I guess all in all, Ijust really wasn't pushing myself to find
a deeper purpose and deeper community.
Like I was pretty versedin my ways, set in my ways.
And so when I moved, like, I just reallymade it a point to get involved in
new things and to praying to talk toGod about how can I create community?
(22:40):
How can I find morepurpose outside of myself?
And that has just given meso much more peace because I
feel so much more connected.
I feel more invested inpeople's lives around me.
I feel like I'm not worried so much aboutMy self climbing and my self proving
and achieving and I'm more focused onjust honestly enjoying life, having fun,
(23:00):
growing relationships, getting to knowpeople, and spreading my love where I
can in person, you know, not just online,which I feel like I was really, really
online running my podcast and doingmy job and just kind of like living
in my own little bubble back in Ohio.
And the last thing that I'llsay, too, is I'm now living with
(23:21):
a roommate in North Carolina.
And before that, for the last two years,I had been living completely on my own.
And I can tell you from my ownexperience, the way that my mental
health has improved just by livingwith someone else, like living in.
cohabitating with anotherhuman being has been insane.
(23:42):
Like, I just feel so much less alone.
I feel so much moreconnected to other people.
I am more eager to get out and godo things because I'm having that
connection already and it givesme this sense of being plugged
in and more connected to others.
Just like having someone around andall in all, like, I just feel happier
(24:05):
and I think a lot of us can spend a lotof time in isolation by ourselves and
not really even realize it, especiallythose of us that live by ourselves
and are working remotely or we're justspending a lot of our time online.
Being online all the time gives us sucha false sense of being plugged in, right?
(24:26):
So, if that's you, again, I'm not sayingany of this to shame you, I'm just, I'm
just saying this to let you know thetruth and let you know my own experience.
Like, life is not meant to be done alone,and when we can find community and we
can find purpose outside of ourselvesand find a cause that we really care
about, I genuinely think that that'sjust going to lead us to feeling so
(24:47):
much more peace and purpose, guys.
So take it up with God.
That's a conversation between y'all.
I really hope you liked this secondepisode of our series of self
obsession and how it's destroying us.
And tune in to the third episodein this same series for more
on this exact same topic.
Until we talk again, I hope y'all havea fantastic week and we'll talk soon.
(25:12):
Bye.
Thank you for listening to theWrestling With Life podcast.
If this episode sparked something inyour brain or made you think of someone
specific, please share it with them.
Let someone else know that they arenot alone in their struggles today.
And please rate the podcast onwhatever platform you're listening on.
If you're a Spotify listener, you canleave a comment on this episode with
(25:33):
your thoughts on what we covered,and I want to hear about what God
is doing in your life, so tell me.
And if you're hungry for even moreinspirational content just like
this, you can give me a follow onInstagram at em underscore led11.
I am always posting polls to get agauge on what everyone is struggling
with out there, sharing everyday littlelife moments, and encouraging all of
(25:55):
us to find both beauty and purposein the midst of our daily struggles.
So come join in on the good vibes.
And real quick, before you go, thisis just a little quick reminder
on what this podcast is not, okay?
A Wrestling With Life podcast andany content posted on my channels is
presented solely for informationaland educational purposes.
(26:18):
The use of this information is at yourown risk and should not be substituted
for the advice of a therapist,pastor, or any qualified professional.
If you're struggling with your mentalhealth, please consider seeking
professional help or contacting the988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Please don't try to getthrough this by yourself, okay?
(26:38):
You are not alone.
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