July 17, 2023 • 14 mins
Dr. Catherine Pearlman's book is IGNORE IT!: How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction. Dr. Pearlman's private practice helps families resolve everyday problems related to discipline, sleep, and sibling rivalry, among other issues. More at thefamilycoach.com.
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(00:02):
Welcome to Get Connected with Nina delRio, a weekly conversation about fitness,
health and happenings in our community onone oh six point seven Light FM.
Good morning, and thanks for joiningus on Get Connected. On something we
can probably all agree on that oneof our least favorite sounds is kid whining,
complaining, begging. Doctor Katherine Perlmanis our guest today. She's author
(00:25):
of the new book to help exasperatedparents and kids get what they want,
Ignore It. How selectively looking theother way can decrease behavioral problems and increase
parenting satisfaction. Doctor Katherine Perlman,thanks for joining us on the show.
Thanks for having me. Doctor Perlmanis founder of the Family Coach. It's
a private practice that helps families resolveeveryday problems like discipline, sleep, and
(00:45):
sibling rivalry. More at the Familycoach dot com and Doctor Perlman. I
thought it was funny when I gotthis book in the beginning because ignore it
was one of the most commonly usedphrases around my house. But it was
directed at my sister's towards me,because the more you bug them there it
was to bug them. You know. I worked every time what's kind of
the Yeah, what's kind of theprinciple behind ignoring kids? And why do
(01:07):
kids bug other kids or their parentsin the first place. It's so funny.
I was thinking when I was writingthis book a lot about growing up
with my sibling in the exact sameway. Is that you know, kids
act in order to get something theywant or to get out of something they
don't want, and so they nudge, they whine, they complain, they
negotiate, all because it's very effectiveand getting attention or other rewards. Either
(01:30):
parents give in or there's a compromiseor something. Getting a rise out of
a sibling who's you know, olderand wiser and gets all the advantages sometimes
it's wonderful. Even if you getyelled at, that's enough of a reward
for them. And so behavior that'srewarded or has benefit is going to be
repeated because it's effective. And sothat's the idea behind ignore it. If
if you know my sister's big wordson me had no effect, she would
(01:53):
stop doing it, And that's whykids should ignore it. And same thing
with parents. If a kid throwsa tantrum and no cookie comes of it,
no extra TV show, no attention. Then the kids going to be
like, well, what's the pointof that. I might as well give
it up ignore it. Though ithas some boundaries when you're talking about this,
what do you ignore and what doyou pay attention to. So we
(02:13):
want to ignore any annoying behavior inour kids, you know, loud noises
and silly behavior that's just you know, pushing our buttons. We want to
ignore whining, complaining, tantramming,negotiating, and you know, any kind
of power struggle. But we don'twant to ignore any kind of real pain.
So any kids, you know,having a real issue or a problem
and there's something they need to discussor having real you know, hurt,
(02:35):
we need to address that. Youknow, we don't want to ignore anything
that's dangerous. So if someone isyou know, hurting another child, we
can't ignore that. If there's somethingthat our kid is doing that's potentially dangerous
for them, we can't ignore that. And then the other thing that we
cannot ignore is when a kid isbeing obnoxious for the goal of being ignored.
And this is really for the teens. You know, someone who doesn't
(02:58):
want to go to grandma's anniverse orparty is just obnoxious and complaining about it.
So we leave them at home,someone who doesn't want to suit at
the table with us. So youknow, we tell them to go to
their room because they're so roode andobnoxious. You know, that's the kind
of kid we don't want to ignore. We really want to engage with them.
And on a similar note, howdo you know when their behavior might
be related to stress. Say they'rehaving a bad time elsewhere and they don't
(03:19):
know where to put that anxiety.Adults do it all the time. We
snap at somebody because of what isgoing on elsewhere. Right, so we
still want to ignore that behavior,but we want to see, like where
it's coming from. So a lotof times I'll say to parents, you
know, think about the times ofday where you're getting most of the problems,
and things will come out in otherways. You know, people will
have trouble falling asleep, they'll bemore snappy, and so rather than don't
(03:42):
address the obnoxious behavior but at themoment, but you know, maybe at
bedtime you might say, you knowwhat I'm seeing, like, it seems
like you're really stressed out or havingsome trouble, and how are you doing
at school or anything you want totalk about, how are things going with
your friends? Things like that,not in the moment when they're being obnoxious,
but when there's a calm time,then sit down and say, you
know, it seems like you're goingthrough something, are you okay. One
of the ways people diffuse their kidssometimes as they negotiate. Why shouldn't parents
(04:08):
negotiate with your kids? That's aprinciple in this book. Yeah, negotiating
is a big win for kids anda big loss for the parents because anytime
you negotiate, you're compromising, andyou're teaching kids that everything is up for
negotiation, and that's just not truein life. And it also sets parents
up to have to negotiate absolutely everything. So you want to say bedtime is
eight o'clock, they're like, howabout eight fifteen? You want to say
(04:29):
no, dessert? How about survey? You know, it's like everything has
another follow up, and sometimes youwant no to be no, and sometimes
you want bedtime to just be bedtime. So I wouldn't negotiate. If let's
say it looks like, you know, everyone's done with everything early and there's
time for three books instead of two, then by all means give them three
books that don't say two, andthen when they beg for more, give
them another one. That's negotiation,and that's just going to make it so
(04:51):
that you can't you ever put themto bed and just walk out and be
done with it. What about givingkids though some control. There's that idea
of giving them a choice, theycan have chicken or fish. What's the
difference between choices and negotiations? Becauseit's upfront, right, So it's like
thinking about negotiating with a terrorist,like in the moment of a hospital stakeover.
We're not going to negotiate, butabsolutely you know, do you want
(05:13):
to clean up your room now orafter dinner? I have no problem with
that. Would you like I havetwo choices for dinner. We could have
steak tonight or we can have steaktomorrow, Which would you rather have?
I'd rather steak tomorrow and pass staygreat, But we can't let the you
know, the inmates run the asylum. You know, otherwise they're going to
be running the show, and that'sreally exhausting for parents. Our guest of
doctor Katherine Perlman. She's the founderof the Family Coach. It's a private
(05:34):
practice that helps families resolve everyday problemsrelated to discipline, sleep, and sibling
rivalry. More at the family coachdot com. And the book we're talking
about is Ignore It. How selectivelylooking the other way can decrease behavioral problems
and increase parenting satisfaction. You're listeningto get connected on one oh six point
seven Light FM. I'm Nina delRio. I was speaking with another parenting
(05:55):
expert the other day and we sortof he sort of came to the same
conclusion on one of the theories thatyou can't really have a battle of wills
because the kid always has more atstake, Right, you're fighting for a
clean room. They're fighting for likeprivacy and independence. So how do you
how do you both get what youwant? Yeah, there's no benefits to
the battle wills. And even ifthe parent gets what they want, they're
(06:15):
so exhausted and exasperated about the endof that battle of wills that I think
it takes a toll on the relationship. So for me, it's better to
ignore that to you know, instillthat there are rules in this house of
their consequences. I don't want towhine and beg and you know, control
you to do your chores. Here'swhat you need to do. Here are
the consequences if it's not done.If you don't put your laundry in laundry
basket, your laundry will not getdone, or you will have a dirty
(06:38):
uniform that you'll have to wear thesoccer practice like that. That's your choice,
you know, I only do laundrythat's in the laundry basket. And
what happens is when that kid reallydoes have that consequence. Any either goes
to school without a uniform or hewears a really stinky, dirty one.
I guarantee the next thing, he'sgoing to remember to put his uniform in
the laundry basket. And those arenatural consequences that don't need any extra punishment
(06:59):
on top of them. Right thekids need to feel the pain of what
happened to them, you know,if they go to school without their homework,
you know, they need to getthe bad grade and be upset by
it so that they remember to puttheir things in the backpack the night before,
you know, the next day.We need to let them feel those
natural consequences. And also when weallow kids and natural consequences, it absolves
parents of having to be that nagdid you put your homework away? Did
(07:21):
you put your homework away? Justdo it? Did you clean up your
room? You know, that's justawful for everyone involved. So let them
feel the consequences of their actions andwe can back off of that and just
enjoy our kids. When we areactually going through ignoring the kids, there's
sort of a process of how youdisengage. What are you showing and not
showing your kid and telling them aboutthe whole reason you're you're ignoring them,
(07:43):
right, So the thing is we'renot really ignoring them, We're really listening,
but we don't want to give themany benefit for the behavior. So
no attention, We're not we're puttingon a poker face. We're not going
to show them that we're angry.We're not going to raise our voice,
we're not going to lacture anything.You know. As soon as we see
the negative behavior, we're going toyou know, disengage and in our head
kind of go to a happy place, think about something else. But we're
(08:05):
listening, and as soon as thatbehavior stops, like immediately, we're going
to re engage. But we're notgoing to discuss that whole whining incident,
We're just going to move on.So if they're whining complaining that they don't
like meat loaf, like, ignorethat, eat your dinner, happy place,
and then as soon as it stops, re engage them and see what
they want to do this weekend.Ignoring it and timeouts are related. How
do you use timeouts effectively? Sotimeout is basically ignored in action. It's
(08:28):
just removing attention and benefit for behavior. And so the problem is that timeout
is supposed to be that, butkids have learned how to get their parents
constant attention by not sitting in thespot, and so every time a kid
gets up, parent has to reinforceit has to give the more attention.
Chasing around the house ensues. Imean, it's just all fun and games
(08:50):
for the kid, and it losesthe power of the ignoring it. So
you know, you can put yourkid in time out, but then you
really need to ignore anything that happensafter that. As soon as the kids
ready to get back and engage withthe family, then let them back in
and do any kind of repair thathappens. They need to clean up what
they made and the mess they made. They need to apologize to somebody that
they hit, but re engage themas soon as possible. The longer they
(09:11):
sit in time out, the morelikelihood there is that they're going to get
bonus attention for their negative behavior.So just get them in and get them
out. Parents are self conscious,as you know, and while you're ignoring
it, your kid maybe going nutsin the mall. What do you say
to parents who've kind of seen thator have to deal with that the rolling
eyes and the sneers. Parenting inpublic is really difficult. You know,
everybody is judging us. We seeit on social media. We see people
(09:33):
rolling their eyes at us or liketalking about our parenting. But the truth
of the matter is we are theones that are struck with these kids.
We're the ones that have to dealwith their behavior when they go home,
and so reinforcing their negative behavior whilewe're out is really going to make things
so much more difficult when we gethome. So when you're having to deal
with ignore it in public, justkeep in mind that you know those people,
(09:54):
they have their own problems in theirhome. Believe me, because I've
seen them. And also they're judgingyou, as you know, maybe it's
striking a chord for them. Andthey're not raising your kids. So do
what you think is right and ignoreyour kid in that moment of the tantrum.
And then as soon as the kidrealizes nothing's going to come of it,
that behavior will show up less frequentlyand it will be like a blip
on the radar. And when kidsare behaving like you want them to behave
(10:16):
what's a reward system that actually worksso they keep maintaining that, right,
So instead of giving attention for allthose negative behaviors, we should lavish our
attention on the good behaviors. Weshould definitely, you know, reward them
with praise, you know, greatjob on sitting quietly while doing your homework,
Give them a pat on the back, high five. And then for
kids that are really struggling, thenwe can do a reward chart to help
(10:37):
them, you know, motivate andincentivize them to get started on you know,
picking up their room or doing theirchores or completing their homework. Can
you talk for a moment too,about keeping the size of the reward on
par with the behavior. Yeah,I mean, sometimes you know, parents
will say, you know, Igot a brand new matchbox car and trailer,
and you know, Barbie dreamhouse.You know for the ord whoa,
(11:00):
that's way too much. You wantto builds up to the rewards, So
start with something small. Um,you can even do points and the kids
can trade that in. That's atoken economy for something else. And by
the way, that's what happens forus at work. You know, I
get money and I trade it infor things that I want. So that's
training kids for that. But youknow, less is more like just the
littlest reward that will help them motivateis what you should do. And for
(11:22):
a kid that's motivated by stickers andhigh fives and do that. And for
a kid that's really struggling, youknow, give them points so that they
can get more screen time or geta new game for their you know,
a new app or a new youknow something for their xbox. Something that's
going to be really motivating to that. But you know, don't go over
the top. And then when thekid gets really good at the behavior,
you can take it off the chartand stop rewarding for it. What if
(11:43):
parents aren't on the same page,what if they don't agree about how to
discipline their kid. Yeah, that'sa real problem. You know, parents
don't have to be on the samepage for everything. You know. Sometimes
um, you know, one isfree spirited, one works more on the
schedules and the rules. That's okay. The thing is, though, when
it to discipline, there have tobe a few non negotiables and mom and
dad have to be on the samepage because if they're not, the parents
(12:05):
will then the kids will be ableto, you know, exploit that to
their benefit and we'll use one parentagainst the other and it really makes it
difficult for everyone. So, youknow, if parents aren't on the same
page, they should have a talkat nighttime when the kids are not around,
and come up with a few thingsthat they can agree on and really
try and enforce those. There's acommon reaction so many times now, I
think more than ever right when whenkids are acting badly, to calm them,
(12:28):
you put them in front of ascreen. What are your thoughts on
that. Yeah, I think it'sa short term game, but it's really
a long term problem because kids learnso quickly when their parents are in public
or depleted or busy, the quickestway to get what they want is to
act up and ask for a screen, and parents will just hand it over.
(12:48):
So you know, when kids areat restaurants and they have screens,
and they're at the supermarket with thescreen, and they're at the doctor's office
with the screen. You know,I'm not judging those parents, but I'm
just realizing that the parents are notengaging with those kids at that time.
The kids are not engaging with theworld around them, and it's really just
pacifying. It's like just like apass fire their bad behavior, and it's
(13:11):
encouraging them to act up. Andso they'll never learn to sit at a
restaurant, they'll never learn to waitat a doctor's appointment. And parents are
missing out of that opportunity to havefun games and to engage and use words
and talk with their kids. SoI really discourage that. Well, the
last question for you, which yougive a sort of a disclaimer in the
book. When you're trying to correctsome of this behavior, things can get
worse before they get better. Howlong does it take ignore it to work.
(13:33):
Yeah, sometimes kids are saying like, well, my usual tricks aren't
working, let me just try harder, and so that's why sometimes it can
get worse. But if parents staythe course and they see that when behavior
gets worse, that means that kidsare getting the message, you know.
Right after that, it usually coolsdown, So it could be, you
know, a couple of episodes,it could be three days, but it's
usually pretty quick if parents stay consistentand ignore all of it. Doctor Katherine
(13:54):
Prolman has been our guest on GetConnected. The book is Ignore It.
How selectively looking the other way candecrease behavioral problems and increase parenting satisfaction.
Thanks for joining us on Get Connected. Thanks so much. This has been
Get Connected with Nina del Rio onone oh six point seven Lightfm. The
views and opinions of our guests donot necessarily reflect the views of the station.
(14:16):
If you missed any part of ourshow or want to share it,
visit our website for downloads and podcastsat one oh six seven lightfm dot com.
Thanks for listening.
Welcome to Get Connected with Nina delRio, a weekly conversation about fitness,
health and happenings in our community onone oh six point seven Light FM.
Good morning, and thanks for joiningus on Get Connected. On something we
can probably all agree on that oneof our least favorite sounds is kid whining,
complaining, begging. Doctor Katherine Perlmanis our guest today. She's author
(00:25):
of the new book to help exasperatedparents and kids get what they want,
Ignore It. How selectively looking theother way can decrease behavioral problems and increase
parenting satisfaction. Doctor Katherine Perlman,thanks for joining us on the show.
Thanks for having me. Doctor Perlmanis founder of the Family Coach. It's
a private practice that helps families resolveeveryday problems like discipline, sleep, and
(00:45):
sibling rivalry. More at the Familycoach dot com and Doctor Perlman. I
thought it was funny when I gotthis book in the beginning because ignore it
was one of the most commonly usedphrases around my house. But it was
directed at my sister's towards me,because the more you bug them there it
was to bug them. You know. I worked every time what's kind of
the Yeah, what's kind of theprinciple behind ignoring kids? And why do
(01:07):
kids bug other kids or their parentsin the first place. It's so funny.
I was thinking when I was writingthis book a lot about growing up
with my sibling in the exact sameway. Is that you know, kids
act in order to get something theywant or to get out of something they
don't want, and so they nudge, they whine, they complain, they
negotiate, all because it's very effectiveand getting attention or other rewards. Either
(01:30):
parents give in or there's a compromiseor something. Getting a rise out of
a sibling who's you know, olderand wiser and gets all the advantages sometimes
it's wonderful. Even if you getyelled at, that's enough of a reward
for them. And so behavior that'srewarded or has benefit is going to be
repeated because it's effective. And sothat's the idea behind ignore it. If
if you know my sister's big wordson me had no effect, she would
(01:53):
stop doing it, And that's whykids should ignore it. And same thing
with parents. If a kid throwsa tantrum and no cookie comes of it,
no extra TV show, no attention. Then the kids going to be
like, well, what's the pointof that. I might as well give
it up ignore it. Though ithas some boundaries when you're talking about this,
what do you ignore and what doyou pay attention to. So we
(02:13):
want to ignore any annoying behavior inour kids, you know, loud noises
and silly behavior that's just you know, pushing our buttons. We want to
ignore whining, complaining, tantramming,negotiating, and you know, any kind
of power struggle. But we don'twant to ignore any kind of real pain.
So any kids, you know,having a real issue or a problem
and there's something they need to discussor having real you know, hurt,
(02:35):
we need to address that. Youknow, we don't want to ignore anything
that's dangerous. So if someone isyou know, hurting another child, we
can't ignore that. If there's somethingthat our kid is doing that's potentially dangerous
for them, we can't ignore that. And then the other thing that we
cannot ignore is when a kid isbeing obnoxious for the goal of being ignored.
And this is really for the teens. You know, someone who doesn't
(02:58):
want to go to grandma's anniverse orparty is just obnoxious and complaining about it.
So we leave them at home,someone who doesn't want to suit at
the table with us. So youknow, we tell them to go to
their room because they're so roode andobnoxious. You know, that's the kind
of kid we don't want to ignore. We really want to engage with them.
And on a similar note, howdo you know when their behavior might
be related to stress. Say they'rehaving a bad time elsewhere and they don't
(03:19):
know where to put that anxiety.Adults do it all the time. We
snap at somebody because of what isgoing on elsewhere. Right, so we
still want to ignore that behavior,but we want to see, like where
it's coming from. So a lotof times I'll say to parents, you
know, think about the times ofday where you're getting most of the problems,
and things will come out in otherways. You know, people will
have trouble falling asleep, they'll bemore snappy, and so rather than don't
(03:42):
address the obnoxious behavior but at themoment, but you know, maybe at
bedtime you might say, you knowwhat I'm seeing, like, it seems
like you're really stressed out or havingsome trouble, and how are you doing
at school or anything you want totalk about, how are things going with
your friends? Things like that,not in the moment when they're being obnoxious,
but when there's a calm time,then sit down and say, you
know, it seems like you're goingthrough something, are you okay. One
of the ways people diffuse their kidssometimes as they negotiate. Why shouldn't parents
(04:08):
negotiate with your kids? That's aprinciple in this book. Yeah, negotiating
is a big win for kids anda big loss for the parents because anytime
you negotiate, you're compromising, andyou're teaching kids that everything is up for
negotiation, and that's just not truein life. And it also sets parents
up to have to negotiate absolutely everything. So you want to say bedtime is
eight o'clock, they're like, howabout eight fifteen? You want to say
(04:29):
no, dessert? How about survey? You know, it's like everything has
another follow up, and sometimes youwant no to be no, and sometimes
you want bedtime to just be bedtime. So I wouldn't negotiate. If let's
say it looks like, you know, everyone's done with everything early and there's
time for three books instead of two, then by all means give them three
books that don't say two, andthen when they beg for more, give
them another one. That's negotiation,and that's just going to make it so
(04:51):
that you can't you ever put themto bed and just walk out and be
done with it. What about givingkids though some control. There's that idea
of giving them a choice, theycan have chicken or fish. What's the
difference between choices and negotiations? Becauseit's upfront, right, So it's like
thinking about negotiating with a terrorist,like in the moment of a hospital stakeover.
We're not going to negotiate, butabsolutely you know, do you want
(05:13):
to clean up your room now orafter dinner? I have no problem with
that. Would you like I havetwo choices for dinner. We could have
steak tonight or we can have steaktomorrow, Which would you rather have?
I'd rather steak tomorrow and pass staygreat, But we can't let the you
know, the inmates run the asylum. You know, otherwise they're going to
be running the show, and that'sreally exhausting for parents. Our guest of
doctor Katherine Perlman. She's the founderof the Family Coach. It's a private
(05:34):
practice that helps families resolve everyday problemsrelated to discipline, sleep, and sibling
rivalry. More at the family coachdot com. And the book we're talking
about is Ignore It. How selectivelylooking the other way can decrease behavioral problems
and increase parenting satisfaction. You're listeningto get connected on one oh six point
seven Light FM. I'm Nina delRio. I was speaking with another parenting
(05:55):
expert the other day and we sortof he sort of came to the same
conclusion on one of the theories thatyou can't really have a battle of wills
because the kid always has more atstake, Right, you're fighting for a
clean room. They're fighting for likeprivacy and independence. So how do you
how do you both get what youwant? Yeah, there's no benefits to
the battle wills. And even ifthe parent gets what they want, they're
(06:15):
so exhausted and exasperated about the endof that battle of wills that I think
it takes a toll on the relationship. So for me, it's better to
ignore that to you know, instillthat there are rules in this house of
their consequences. I don't want towhine and beg and you know, control
you to do your chores. Here'swhat you need to do. Here are
the consequences if it's not done.If you don't put your laundry in laundry
basket, your laundry will not getdone, or you will have a dirty
(06:38):
uniform that you'll have to wear thesoccer practice like that. That's your choice,
you know, I only do laundrythat's in the laundry basket. And
what happens is when that kid reallydoes have that consequence. Any either goes
to school without a uniform or hewears a really stinky, dirty one.
I guarantee the next thing, he'sgoing to remember to put his uniform in
the laundry basket. And those arenatural consequences that don't need any extra punishment
(06:59):
on top of them. Right thekids need to feel the pain of what
happened to them, you know,if they go to school without their homework,
you know, they need to getthe bad grade and be upset by
it so that they remember to puttheir things in the backpack the night before,
you know, the next day.We need to let them feel those
natural consequences. And also when weallow kids and natural consequences, it absolves
parents of having to be that nagdid you put your homework away? Did
(07:21):
you put your homework away? Justdo it? Did you clean up your
room? You know, that's justawful for everyone involved. So let them
feel the consequences of their actions andwe can back off of that and just
enjoy our kids. When we areactually going through ignoring the kids, there's
sort of a process of how youdisengage. What are you showing and not
showing your kid and telling them aboutthe whole reason you're you're ignoring them,
(07:43):
right, So the thing is we'renot really ignoring them, We're really listening,
but we don't want to give themany benefit for the behavior. So
no attention, We're not we're puttingon a poker face. We're not going
to show them that we're angry.We're not going to raise our voice,
we're not going to lacture anything.You know. As soon as we see
the negative behavior, we're going toyou know, disengage and in our head
kind of go to a happy place, think about something else. But we're
(08:05):
listening, and as soon as thatbehavior stops, like immediately, we're going
to re engage. But we're notgoing to discuss that whole whining incident,
We're just going to move on.So if they're whining complaining that they don't
like meat loaf, like, ignorethat, eat your dinner, happy place,
and then as soon as it stops, re engage them and see what
they want to do this weekend.Ignoring it and timeouts are related. How
do you use timeouts effectively? Sotimeout is basically ignored in action. It's
(08:28):
just removing attention and benefit for behavior. And so the problem is that timeout
is supposed to be that, butkids have learned how to get their parents
constant attention by not sitting in thespot, and so every time a kid
gets up, parent has to reinforceit has to give the more attention.
Chasing around the house ensues. Imean, it's just all fun and games
(08:50):
for the kid, and it losesthe power of the ignoring it. So
you know, you can put yourkid in time out, but then you
really need to ignore anything that happensafter that. As soon as the kids
ready to get back and engage withthe family, then let them back in
and do any kind of repair thathappens. They need to clean up what
they made and the mess they made. They need to apologize to somebody that
they hit, but re engage themas soon as possible. The longer they
(09:11):
sit in time out, the morelikelihood there is that they're going to get
bonus attention for their negative behavior.So just get them in and get them
out. Parents are self conscious,as you know, and while you're ignoring
it, your kid maybe going nutsin the mall. What do you say
to parents who've kind of seen thator have to deal with that the rolling
eyes and the sneers. Parenting inpublic is really difficult. You know,
everybody is judging us. We seeit on social media. We see people
(09:33):
rolling their eyes at us or liketalking about our parenting. But the truth
of the matter is we are theones that are struck with these kids.
We're the ones that have to dealwith their behavior when they go home,
and so reinforcing their negative behavior whilewe're out is really going to make things
so much more difficult when we gethome. So when you're having to deal
with ignore it in public, justkeep in mind that you know those people,
(09:54):
they have their own problems in theirhome. Believe me, because I've
seen them. And also they're judgingyou, as you know, maybe it's
striking a chord for them. Andthey're not raising your kids. So do
what you think is right and ignoreyour kid in that moment of the tantrum.
And then as soon as the kidrealizes nothing's going to come of it,
that behavior will show up less frequentlyand it will be like a blip
on the radar. And when kidsare behaving like you want them to behave
(10:16):
what's a reward system that actually worksso they keep maintaining that, right,
So instead of giving attention for allthose negative behaviors, we should lavish our
attention on the good behaviors. Weshould definitely, you know, reward them
with praise, you know, greatjob on sitting quietly while doing your homework,
Give them a pat on the back, high five. And then for
kids that are really struggling, thenwe can do a reward chart to help
(10:37):
them, you know, motivate andincentivize them to get started on you know,
picking up their room or doing theirchores or completing their homework. Can
you talk for a moment too,about keeping the size of the reward on
par with the behavior. Yeah,I mean, sometimes you know, parents
will say, you know, Igot a brand new matchbox car and trailer,
and you know, Barbie dreamhouse.You know for the ord whoa,
(11:00):
that's way too much. You wantto builds up to the rewards, So
start with something small. Um,you can even do points and the kids
can trade that in. That's atoken economy for something else. And by
the way, that's what happens forus at work. You know, I
get money and I trade it infor things that I want. So that's
training kids for that. But youknow, less is more like just the
littlest reward that will help them motivateis what you should do. And for
(11:22):
a kid that's motivated by stickers andhigh fives and do that. And for
a kid that's really struggling, youknow, give them points so that they
can get more screen time or geta new game for their you know,
a new app or a new youknow something for their xbox. Something that's
going to be really motivating to that. But you know, don't go over
the top. And then when thekid gets really good at the behavior,
you can take it off the chartand stop rewarding for it. What if
(11:43):
parents aren't on the same page,what if they don't agree about how to
discipline their kid. Yeah, that'sa real problem. You know, parents
don't have to be on the samepage for everything. You know. Sometimes
um, you know, one isfree spirited, one works more on the
schedules and the rules. That's okay. The thing is, though, when
it to discipline, there have tobe a few non negotiables and mom and
dad have to be on the samepage because if they're not, the parents
(12:05):
will then the kids will be ableto, you know, exploit that to
their benefit and we'll use one parentagainst the other and it really makes it
difficult for everyone. So, youknow, if parents aren't on the same
page, they should have a talkat nighttime when the kids are not around,
and come up with a few thingsthat they can agree on and really
try and enforce those. There's acommon reaction so many times now, I
think more than ever right when whenkids are acting badly, to calm them,
(12:28):
you put them in front of ascreen. What are your thoughts on
that. Yeah, I think it'sa short term game, but it's really
a long term problem because kids learnso quickly when their parents are in public
or depleted or busy, the quickestway to get what they want is to
act up and ask for a screen, and parents will just hand it over.
(12:48):
So you know, when kids areat restaurants and they have screens,
and they're at the supermarket with thescreen, and they're at the doctor's office
with the screen. You know,I'm not judging those parents, but I'm
just realizing that the parents are notengaging with those kids at that time.
The kids are not engaging with theworld around them, and it's really just
pacifying. It's like just like apass fire their bad behavior, and it's
(13:11):
encouraging them to act up. Andso they'll never learn to sit at a
restaurant, they'll never learn to waitat a doctor's appointment. And parents are
missing out of that opportunity to havefun games and to engage and use words
and talk with their kids. SoI really discourage that. Well, the
last question for you, which yougive a sort of a disclaimer in the
book. When you're trying to correctsome of this behavior, things can get
worse before they get better. Howlong does it take ignore it to work.
(13:33):
Yeah, sometimes kids are saying like, well, my usual tricks aren't
working, let me just try harder, and so that's why sometimes it can
get worse. But if parents staythe course and they see that when behavior
gets worse, that means that kidsare getting the message, you know.
Right after that, it usually coolsdown, So it could be, you
know, a couple of episodes,it could be three days, but it's
usually pretty quick if parents stay consistentand ignore all of it. Doctor Katherine
(13:54):
Prolman has been our guest on GetConnected. The book is Ignore It.
How selectively looking the other way candecrease behavioral problems and increase parenting satisfaction.
Thanks for joining us on Get Connected. Thanks so much. This has been
Get Connected with Nina del Rio onone oh six point seven Lightfm. The
views and opinions of our guests donot necessarily reflect the views of the station.
(14:16):
If you missed any part of ourshow or want to share it,
visit our website for downloads and podcastsat one oh six seven lightfm dot com.
Thanks for listening.
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