EITM: Handlord 6/19/24

When it comes to apartment living, how do you deal with a loud...masturbator?

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hi, Elliott, It's Jill.Jill. You live in an apartment.
I sure do. Where in ArlingtonBeautiful? Any issues in terms of neighbor
noise. I used to my usupstairs neighbors used to have it. Four
people living in a one bedroom apartmentand they were kids, and I think

(00:23):
like they were jumping off the bedconstantly. Now let me ask you this,
what did you how did you dealwith it? Did you just say,
you know what, that kind ofcomes with the territory of living in
an apartment or did you leave anote? Did you go to management?
Did you do anything? I didseveral things. First, I just let
it go because I'm like, okay, I have kids, I understand.

(00:44):
And then after a while, it'sjust got to be show obnoxious. But
even in the middle of the night, So I went up there really mad
and knocked on the slavey store andkind of gave her the business. But
after that she moved. So soyou know what, Now, I don't
know. I don't know if we'regoing to tack up her moving to your
complaining, but whatever, it solvedthe problem. It solved the problem,

(01:07):
all right, Very good, verygood, Thank you, Thank you.
When you and Lindsay lived in Clarendon. In that apartment neighbor issues, we
were relatively lucky. Occasionally you wouldmaybe hear someone above us, but it
I mean, I mean that's goingto happen. Yeah, but nothing out
of what you would say is normalapartment living that stood out enough to want

(01:33):
to confront and then no, wellwe're not going to confront. Like there
was the when I lived in NewYork. The guy who lived below me
hated me. Why because I wouldget up in the middle of the n
I had hardwood floors. I meanit was a it was a five story
walk up, so he was rightbelow me. I had hardwood floors.
But I would get up at twoo'clock in the morning and he would hear

(01:53):
me walking around and he would getpissed and he would bang. I would
turn on like music while I wasgetting ready, and he would hear it.
Okay, you can't play music inthe middle of the night. You
can't play music loudly, which Ididn't, but he was already up because
he would hear my feet. Tohis credit, he did put notes on

(02:15):
my door twice asking nicely, likekeep it down place so you didn't know
who this even was. I knew, I knew it was an old guy.
I knew it was an old guy. But you had never talked to
him face to face. No,No, I'd never talked to him face
to face. He left two notes. One was one was polite, the
other one was not Hu you didn'tyeah, because you never didn't. You

(02:38):
don't want me to get up.It's one thing about like heavy walking.
But the music I was not louddid the first you did it? Uh?
Yeah, of course it did.What do you want me to do?
Which means you made it By theway, you live in an apartment,
Jack asked, like, you're gonnahear people walking around, but you
amplified the problem. He never wentto the building. Super okay, guy

(03:02):
was eighty nine years old. Ohno, that doesn't matter, irrelevant your
honor. Okay, I will saythis though he changed his schedule, meaning
what that he would get up inthe middle of the night. Also poor
old guides trying to live out thelast years the Yeah, but he was

(03:23):
great. He probably enjoyed it more. His third note should have been a
thank you. But that was reallythe only one where where it was confronting,
and that was for let's call itnoise, I guess, not even
noise, just feet, which hedidn't like. And then he didn't like
music. Hi Elliott in the morning, Hi Elliott, Yeah, Hi,

(03:46):
who's this? Hi lived from Sykesville, Maryland. Yes, you live in
apartment right, Yes, sure,and we have a family that lived on
top of us that has only kids. But I swear every night and you
take some basketball and just pounds iton the floor over and over, right,
and that's obviously his floor is youris your roof? So you're here

(04:10):
in that What are you doing?What are you doing about it? We
called the landlord. And the funnything is we live in an apartment building
where there's a funk and back.We live in the back. They live
in the front. And I swearevery time he pulls in, they see
his truck and they stop. Ithappens every time. I know, right,

(04:32):
it happens every single time. Don'teven come in the apartment and sit
for that hour, and they won'tdo this. Once you leaves, there
goes that basketball on the floor.Okay, so we've gotten we've gotten kids,
which we understand. That's that's normal. That's going to happen ma'am,
have you ever heard the neighbors beingromantic with each other downstairs? I have

(04:56):
what's going on there? The guy? He he has so many girlfriends and
we hear all different ones. Weeven had one come to the window of
his window banging in the middle ofthe night. I guess she was drunk,
right and begging to come in andit was awful. But if you
have have you heard him, ma'am? What do you like to call sex?

(05:18):
I'm sorry, what do I liketo call sex? Yeah? Uh?
Anything sexual? I guess you know. Oh no, no, no,
no, oh, I'm sorry.Go ahead, whether it be what?
No? Go ahead? No.I was going to say, like,
do you ever hear him like havinghaving sex? Yes, yeah,

(05:40):
we do hear that, and wehear the women underneath right, well,
oh, missionary, ma'am. Doyou think it's missionary? Could be?
I'm not sure. And then joinedin my husband, bring him in it
sure? All right, very good, very good, Thank you, ma'am,

(06:01):
Thank you to what so? Here'swhy I ask. So things that
are normal, hearing somebody's TV,hearing somebody's music, hearing somebody walking around,
somebody moving something. If you havea neighbor that is like musically inclined.
You may hear them, I asyou can hear just people if they're

(06:24):
loud talkers on the phone, right, you can hear people on the phone.
Like I've never had somebody who likeplayed like a piano or anything like
that, But I have had friendswho live by somebody who played the piano
and said, like, you canhear that. I get all of that.
I get all of that loud TVs. I get it. Has anybody

(06:45):
dealt with and this is would bea man, not a woman. Has
anybody dealt with a loud male masturbator? This seems like something that is a
topic onto itsself. Oh, Idon't know. Can I ask you this?
What doesn't even mean somebody? Sothere's this one I was reading about

(07:05):
this woman who has an apartment.I believe it's a woman. It may
not even be a woman. It'sjust an apartment. I'm trying to see.
Yeah, anyway, I don't knowthat it's a woman. It is
a person who lives in an apartment. Their neighbor is a guy and they

(07:27):
hear him masturbate all the time.So he's listening to porn without headphones.
No, he's making noise. Ohyeah, oh yeah, he's making noise.
Oh faith, I don't, Idon't, I don't. And then

(07:50):
it turns into a discussion about howdo you again, somebody's stomping on the
floor, nobody's really nobody's nobody's nobody'sshy about going and putting a note and
says, hey, can you limitthe stomping? Can you maybe take shoes
off? Hey, I can hearyour radio. It's really loud. Can
you just keep it a little lower? Nobody's embarrassed to say that. So

(08:13):
it turned into this whole thing abouthow do you address the masturbator? And
again, it's not two people havingsex. I mean that still is a
sensitive subject, but this is maybethat much more sensitive. And it's already
uncomfortable to have to confront somebody,so it's double the confrontation fear. And
to me, it does make adifference that it's a guy. Why,

(08:37):
Because I feel like I've watched enoughporn to see like women masturbating, and
there's a tendency to be louder thana guy and a tendency for authenticity,
pardon me, very realistic. Pornis a representation of all sex acts.

(08:58):
No No, I've watched amateur porn, I know, but it is played
up a little bit, yeah,sure, or a lot bit. Okay,
Yeah, that's fine. But like, I've definitely in my porn watching.
If you told me that there wasa woman who was allowed masturbator,
I'd get it. But do you, like, do you watch a lot
of guys masturbating? I've seen,I mean, do I watch a lot?
I wouldn't classify it as a lotthe uh no, no, Like

(09:22):
it's not like my number one goto. It's not like incest porn,
which is your go to. Theno, no, but I've definitely listen.
I've definitely seen guys masturbating on porn. Sure. So is this neighbor
moaning? Is he grown? Ishe muttering and talking to himself? He
is climaxing, and I don't thinkit's good. No, Yes, he's

(09:46):
he's he's he's being vocal as hemasturbates. But is it only at that
point? I don't know that.I don't know, they're not. I
would be very descriptive in my writingof the story. This reporter, I
guess was demure and didn't get thatdeep into it. Okay, but yeah,
I would assume there's a lot oflike, oh yeah going on,

(10:07):
Oh Mama, it's like, Idon't know what's going on, ma,
And so then it turns into this. There's an uncomfortableness of how do you
approach that for sure, starting withoh, I don't want to. I
don't want to. I don't wanta guy neighbor being that loud. Well

(10:30):
take it back to even what youwere dealing with and your neighbor. Yeah,
Now, granted it was just musicand shuffling around, but would you
have preferred that that was dealt withusing a conversation yes versus the note yes.

(10:52):
So I assumed you were going tosay that, which sets you up
for the loud masturbator. It hasto be. Now I don't I'm well
yeah, yeah, but I'm areyou honest or you're like, listen,
I'm not sure what noises I'm hearing, but I can tell you exactly when
it was, so you might know, knock on my door, knock on

(11:13):
my Hello. Wait, can Iask you a question? How long?
That's That's what I was going toask, Like, did I just stop
moto? No, I'm saying I'mthinking it's late night. So say this
happened eleven o'clock at night. Eleveno'clock at night. I'm coming by the

(11:37):
next day, okay, okay,all right, all right, and I
can hear you that you're home.I'm home. You can hear my feet.
So I'm gonna what's the weather likeoutside, It doesn't matter, Okay,
Hello, Hi, I'm your neighbordownstairs. I live right below you.
Okay. I know this is alittle bit uncomfortable, and I know

(12:00):
that, you know, living inapartments, you have to accept that there's
going to be some noises sometimes.But I just it was it was I
heard weird noises last night, say, around eleven o'clock, and it was
just unusually loud, and it wassomething out of the ordinary, not used
to, not like the feet shufflingI'll hear sometimes. But I just I

(12:22):
was going to I'm not sure whatwas happening at the time, but I
was going to say, you know, it is late at night, I've
got to get up early for work. I was just like, if you
could keep it down, I don'tknow that. I don't think there was
anything weird going on at eleven o'clock. What were you hearing? Okay,
I really I can't put my fingeron the noises, but it was definitely
it was muffled. It was muffled, and it was it was just repeated

(12:46):
noise that went on for several minutes. Well, you're doing a lot of
stammering over there, Elliott's being difficult. I'm not being difficult, but I'm
not going to come out and go, oh, you know what, I
was pulling it and I'm loud whenI'm astered exactly it. Thank you.
I'm doing my right. You may. I'm not saying being difficult in the
role you've been given right, althoughI am the understudy. But I may

(13:09):
also I'm not. No, that'swhy about something he doesn't even know he's
allowed masturbating and I didn't do it, but I'm not. I was bored
death. But yeah, no,but all dudes masturbate loudly. No,
but I may go. I haveno idea, I don't know what.
I don't check someone else. Ididn't do anything. It was right below

(13:31):
you. It sound like it wasdefinitely you sound like I can't quite put
a finger on it. Then Ican't help you. Thank you. It
was like it was muffled. Ithink for any apartment neighbors. It's got
allowed masturbator, Like if if youwere in the kitchen it Scott was masturbating.
I'm assuming this has happened. Wouldyou would you even hear him?

(13:54):
What are Scott's in the kitchen somewhereelse? No, Diane's no, Like
I'm telling you. I could promiseyou that there are times in my house
where all three boys are masturbating.I promise you that has happened. And
I don't think any of the threeof us know, and or four if

(14:16):
you count Jackie, who I don'tthink is masturbating at the time, but
she's But I could promise you Jackie'snot downstairs going I can hear all three
of them up there. But didDiane go on too long for any dispute?
Yeah? Oh my god? WellHaman without saying something, then I
don't know what you're trying to say. I got lost, Kristin. Is

(14:39):
Mike a loud masturbator? No?Thank you? Are you allowed one?
No? Thank you? But whatwas the weather outside? I don't even
what I'm sorry You're to go onfor five minutes? You think that was
rain? No, I'm just sayingyou guys wouldn't set the scene for me,
and then Diane goes on, I'mwith a monologue that was, oh

(15:01):
my god, sir, like thatwouldn't have solved any problem forget a sensitive
topic right? Well, if it, then so are usually is that your
time every night? So you're goingto continue to do that? I don't
even know what I'm doing because ifI because because you're you're you're now you're

(15:22):
coming after. But if you're continuingto do it, am I going to
have to keep coming up and sayingI'm not sure exactly what it was,
because sooner or later I'm going tobe like, listen, I don't okay,
I can hear you, Oh whatare you hearing? I know what
you were doing, and I canhear you. I'm just doing it.
Sounds like you were masturbating, andI know it's super uncomfortable, but I've
asked you repeatedly and I tried tobe delicate and dance around it. But

(15:43):
now I'm just going to come outand say it. It's not me slam
Okay. The social media lounge hasbrought up a great point. What's that
that maybe the person is on themore performative side because it is a source
of income. Oh so I'm onlyfans. Yes, Oh, I didn't
even think of that. And nowyou're coming after his money. I didn't

(16:04):
even think of that either. NowI'm trying to think if I were on
only fans, would I be allowedmasturbator? I guess whatever your client wants.
I think you have to look whenyou're on the stage, you have
to wear more makeup, so youthink on only fans. Even though I
consider myself to be a very quietmasturbator. However, on only fans,

(16:27):
I'm yelling and screaming like there's notomorrow. You like, you don't know
if I'm masturbating or it's being cutoff trying to make some cash. Absolutely,
you need to exacerbate when you masterwhat pathetic is He laughs at the
word exacerbate. What's coming? ThoughI know what's coming? That choice line

(16:56):
eight. Yeah, I'm gonna tryto get out of my lease. But
I've also but I've never heard,I've never heard of that being a neighborly
complaint. Is Diane's next step togo to the landloorder super the I mean
you can, I mean, II know what the suggested response is.
So then there's it's there's documentation.It's I've tried several times to be nice
about this. I don't know whatto do the well, you also don't

(17:18):
want to be wrong. Well,I've got to be pretty confident. Hi
elliot in the morning. Hi,Hi, who's this? Christi Ann Brooklyn?
Hi? How are you? I'mgreat. So I was seeing a
guy, he's a comedian in NewYork and uh we had a sex day
and he came over to my apartment. We were drinking and I'm a very

(17:42):
loud person when it comes to sex, and you are at it, well,
I'm loud. He has that deepvoice, but I was really really
into it, really loud. Andthe neighbor comes upstairs and I have no
idea why they're coming upstairs. They'reknocking on the door. He couldn't look
me in the eye. He wasso embarrassed. He was like, I

(18:04):
we can see the apartment's like paperthan the entire apartment, all five apartments
heard us going at it full ofand poor guy just was like so embarrassed,
was like, I I can youguys are really loud, and I
just we we know what's going on. I was so embarrassed. But then

(18:29):
I didn't because we were drunk.We went back at it and continued and
nobody said anything. For the restof the month, nobody in the apartment
could look at me. Oh wowwow. Well two things. Number one,
I applaud your honesty about how loudyou are. Number two, is
it a comedian I would know probably, Oh with the fully loaded tour,

(18:52):
Oh yes, yes, big Jay, Nope, Hingecliffe is it is it?
Oh? You can say he's gotso what he's got a fiance?
Now the big deal I was.There was people before Jackie. Who who

(19:14):
is it? Who is who isit? There? He is? Go
you all right, very good,very good. I appreciate it. Thank
you, ma'am, thank you.I'm with you. I did not expect
her to say, oh, yeah, you'll know him. A lot of

(19:37):
comedians wow, running around New YorkCity. How about that? Hi Elliott
the morning? Yeah, Hi,who's that? All right? Myn is
Tyler. I'm going on the roadand listening to you guys. A little
skit about the loud night sat him. I just kind of feel like that's
one of them topics, you know, to get taken a BN. Wait.

(20:00):
I'm sorry, I I I'm havinga hard time hearing you, sir,
chake out. Oh yeah, please, I'm driving on the road.
Oh damn it, and now cutout. I couldn't hear what he said.
No, I feel badly. Hi. Hell in the morning, Sorry,

(20:22):
sir. Hello, ask this guy? Hey, are you allowed masturbader?
Uh? No, But but I'lltell you that the that the that's
a that's a name for it.Uh when uh making those sides of those
it's called goony of it. I'llnever see the No, that's good,

(20:51):
that's good, but the but thebut the problem, thank you, sir.
But the problem comes in though thatit's it's very odd. It's very
odd. And again, and Icould have said, name for me everything
that you've heard about a neighbor thatdrives you crazy, and I promise you
there would have been no shortage ofpeople going back to the woman and the
comedian that go loud. Sex.We've all heard that. Everybody who lives

(21:14):
in an apartment has heard their neighborhave sex. Everybody who's ever stayed at
a hotel has heard a neighbor havesex like it happens. And to be
honest, I don't care, butI've never heard it with a dude.
Masturbating so loud, and I'll goto the I'll go to acts. Maybe
those people are right, Maybe itis perform No, that's true. Maybe

(21:36):
I got to goon it up forfor only fans. What was the name
of the act where you were pullingyour lip over your nose? Oh?
Was it my bottom lip this way? Or was Yeah, I don't remember
what that was called. It soundlike gooning, butgooning. There's the bagoon.

(22:02):
It was like a world record theguy had, Yeah, but I
can't remember what it was. Isit girn gurning? Be careful if you're
trying to recall one of those ina conversation with someone who doesn't know you
very well, that you go theone you're thinking. By the way,
the mistake that Diane made she cameto my door. What am I supposed

(22:26):
to what? Leave you a note? No? No no no no no
no no no no no no.They do recommend deal with it face to
face, but not on the I'mapproaching your door and I'm going to give
you the what for. Yeah,run into them in the lobby out in

(22:47):
front of the building in the parkinglot on a weekend, not during the
week on a weekend where they saideverybody. First of all, the weekend,
you're a little more down, likeyou're not in your routine right.
And also you stormed up to theirdoor to get mad at him for doing
something that. Well, it's numberone, it's very confrontational. Number two,

(23:07):
it's very sensitive. And number threeis again I may not even know
what's going on. You also maynot know who it is, so you
have to go to the door.What do you mean there's situations where you
said it you didn't know your olderneighbor. No, but I knew who
he was. I mean by byvision, I would know him. Oh
okay, Well, there are timeswhen you don't know what someone looks like.

(23:32):
If you're gonna if you're gonna goout of your way to talk to
a loud masturbator, hide in astairwell and take a look and see him,
like you hunt out who that is. Why I couldn't it have been
a barking dog. Let me goto line for real quick? Hi Ellie
in the morning. Yeah, Hi, who's this? Hey? Real quick?

(23:56):
What can I do for you?I live in an apartment. I'm
not sure if we're talking our apartmentsor masturbating, yes both, actually yeah,
I mean I try not to masturbatetoo loudly. But are you allowed
masturbator? No, not really,I just you know, yeah, and
they get away with it what Ican amen. Yeah no, by the

(24:19):
way, you're not getting away withanything. That's like saying I try to
get away with breathing. I canyou do. It's very natural. Everybody
does it, just some quieter thanothers. Me man, I'm all about
gooning. Now for your subscribers,do you want to know face? No?

(24:42):
No, no, no, no, girn face