Danny's Grandma

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Are you let me keep these?I feel better? Thank you? Are
you sure? God? Damn?I love you man. Thanks, Yeah,
you're right. Welcome to the Afterpartypodcast. We're talking about Zyrtec,
which my man Pat brought some informand it actually didn't make me fall asleep
on the air and my eyes aren'titching right now. So thanks, buddy,
appreciate you, buddy boy, Buddyboy, and thanks to Haven Poker.

(00:22):
Yeah, Haven Poker. Let mego. Man. I got roundly
criticized on the Twitter machine for notaccepting some dude's friendship, and I am
really trying to keep up with everybody, but I can't, so I'll get
to you eventually. I apologize,but I'm too busy beating people's asses on
Haven Poker to accept all the friendrequest. H A Y v I N.
Haven Poker downloaded off the app store. It's absolutely free. You can

(00:43):
play heads up poker against your friends, your co workers, your neighbors,
and random enemies. Enemies maybe apower Morning Show members, ex lovers love
Haven Poker. Yeah, everybody downloaded. It's absolutely free. It's super fun
and then you enter the promo codepower Trip. In the first forty eight
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that sounds like a fun game,I should play that, definitely do that,

(01:04):
and then definitely enter the promo codepower Trip. You can click on
it under the settings. Thing ishis enter codes power Trip gets you a
double initial bankroll. It's super fun. It's a fun game. It's a
good time killer. I'm killing andI'm playing Pat right now. He's sitting
across me right now. And youjust folded. Well, that's a p
word. I had a jacket,a queen. I was gonna kick your

(01:26):
ass in that queen had a jacketqueen. That was what we called Rosie
back in the day, poor rosYeah, so now I can't say what
I got. You just turned twopair? Jam it yep at the pot?
Yep? Are you? What areyou jamming it in? Let's see
if oh, did you just goall in? Well, god damn it.
Then I'm pa you told me?I know, yeah right, I

(01:49):
didn't want that. Oh but lookat what I got, bitch anyway,
Hey you got three? It's sonof Ahaven bitch poker. Whoa still?
Oh we are? I thought wewent all in? Oh that's right,
I did. I had two pairsand he still beat me. Happens.

(02:09):
Yeahs had two pairs of tits.You do have some nice Yeah, I
apologize. I'm working on it though. Summertime you played, you played password
once right and one? Did younot? I played one time? And
that's it. How come? Howcomeas a one and old competitor you had
no interest in trying to get intothe tournament or you were not asked?
Um? He asked me and Idid not respond at a timely manner and
it was too late by the timeI did. Yeah, so it's completely

(02:30):
on me and uh, but tobe honest with you, that's a terrible
tough time and day for me,just like it is for everybody, but
especially this time of year, it'sa terrible tough time and day for me.
And like, I gotta go toas soon as we're done with this,
I'm driving to Saint Cloud today torehearse for four hours to get ready
for the next run. Who wereyour partners with when you won? Was
it creasl Ross the glazering you theglazer? The glazer? Did We didn't

(02:55):
use that on him today? No, No, he was too busy to
talking about sucking barbs toe. Hedid see that. Yeah, And then
did he not pat somebody on theass? Yeah? When he hugged Carly
gave her an ass pad not seeit? It was a low hand.
Whoa, Well, you're gonna becalled into the courthouse, your dad is,

(03:15):
Oh, yeah, your dad isgetting called into the courthouse. How
often did your dad go to thecourthouse when he's not saddling for Mark Parrish?
Mark Parrish, Zacho, I needan honest, honest answer, pressure.
How many times in your hotel roomdid you frank it? He was
too sad last night? Now,don't even answer, true, Zach.

(03:38):
The fact which that you didn't sayzero one immediately is terrifying all of us
that you actually were like, God, how many was it? I lost
count after it was a baker's dozen'tGod? You masturbade a lot you do
and that's cool, man, I'mcool. Be you man, Yeah,
bu you got be you you gotbo your bitch. Oh, I didn't
say that you were thinking it.Ask me how many times I had yesterday

(04:00):
gown one? You beat me becauseyou have an ace? How many times
yesterday? How did you masturbate umman? Once? How many times masturbate
in the hotel beat me. Idon't know, it's probably four or five.
Maybe, God, well, he'syoung, guys, like, you

(04:21):
know, he's young, man.You beat my ass, dude, I
got my ma ass beat there justnow, four or five. Listen,
here's the situation, guys. WhenI was young, I used to beat
my meat daily all the time.How many times in a day? What
the what's the highest When you wereI don't know. I wasn't keeping a

(04:42):
fucking diary. Yeah you were.You were still sad? I was,
Yeah, No, I was.I was horny. What's the fastest between
sessions? He's perverted? Yeah,you're being pedross. Yeah, honestly,
Zach, that was an extremely personalquestion. I don't really know the answer,
though, I'm being honest with you. I don't the answer. I
don't remember saying to myself. Igot to give it another couple of minutes

(05:03):
here. Yeah, yeah, Igot it done in twelve when I was
younger. You you did it twelvetimes in one day? No, I
did it twelve minutes apart. Ohokay, um, yeah, you know,
I don't know. Um all in, I'm sorry, Zack. Yes,

(05:26):
Saucey's playing poker right now. Hejust won. He turned in did
you you should have challenged people getpissed at me because I put it too
much money in. But I don'twant to mess around. Yeah, you
get bored and then fire. Idon't want to mess around. Well then
no, they have to adjust,right, It's like you justus. You're
playing. If you're at a tablewith a bad blackjack player and you're like,
I don't like that that guy's onthird base, well then go find

(05:46):
another table. Like I has everyright to bet, however he wants his
money. Pull your pants up,slut right, pull your pants up,
slot and go to a different table. That's right, that's right. If
you're playing at a poker table withsomebody that you think bets too much or
too little, or plays annoyingly,then you're at the wrong table. Take
advantage of it or ask for atable change. Yeah yeah you. Oh
hey, how about your buddy Blake? Man, dude, is he kicking

(06:06):
ass or what? He's so good? Now? Why do you suck shit
so bad? So as a greatquestion everything, I'm like, I've said
this, I think when we talkedabout him a couple months ago. But
I'll say this again. This isnot ripping Blake Blake will fully admit this
that mathematically what he's doing is almostimpossible. It just is. It's even

(06:27):
that's the beauty of poker versus likegolf. If he was the best golfer,
it wouldn't shock anybody that he hadwon four out of the last five
major events in Minnesota. Right,It's like, well, yeah, he's
the best golfer, but there's somany variables, and the variance in poker
is so severe that even the bestplayer should not be winning at the clip
that he's winning. It's just noteven mathematically possible. He's fully aware he

(06:50):
will never in his life have arun like he's had in the last six
months. He might win more money, you just can't win tournaments at this
clip. This soften almost ever majortournaments with the best players in the state
of Minnesota. His final table thisweekend was loaded with people that are good
and he did it again. Ohmy god, it's unbeatable. If he

(07:14):
doesn't crush the World Series of Pokerthis year with a deep runner so or
win a brace that, I'm goingto be floored because he's playing the best
he's ever played, and he's runningas hot as he's ever run. What
events is he going to play it? Probably a lot, yeah, the
decathlon yep, yeah, again,four major wins in the last six months,
it's something like what is it?And then if you count the one

(07:34):
in the Bahamas or whatever, Ithink he's like a half a million in
earnings in the last six months somethinglike that. That's pretty good. That's
pretty good. Yeah. Good playingcards man, Yeah, that's the best.
And what would you play them?One of the Bahamas? No,
I think that. I think thatwas a ten k. The only ten

(07:57):
k that that I'm playing is themain I'm not I'm not so cost ten
grand get in ten k for themain yea, that makes winer shrivel.
Well that's because you have crabs.I don't know what that has to do
with it. No, I mean, you're right, those two things are
true. But again, the onlythe only person that doesn't like this logic
is my wife. But if youlook at everybody else in my neighborhood and
I throw my neighbors under the busall the time, is a lot of

(08:22):
them are either casual drinkers, arefull on alcoholics. Uh, they are
golfers, they are They all havehobbies that cost a lot of money.
My hobby is one that potentially inthis year is making me money. So
if I spend ten grand on themain event, which a couple of years
ago was like total bucket list forme, I thought it was super cool.

(08:45):
I'm still probably spending less on myhobby than a lot of the guys
in the neighborhood who have zero chanceat money flowing in, right, because
they're just golfing for fun. That'sall money going out. Yeah, my
money could come back tenfold, ahundredfold, a thousandfold, who knows.
Man, You're so right, dude. And my my wife is so pissed

(09:05):
to me because of my hobby too, for the exact same reasons. And
its your hobby banging horse, oh, begging or bag both. I begged
them to bang. But that's butthat's my point goes out exactly, you're
never gone back, never started charging. And then she might be like,
Okay, this makes a little bitof sense to me, right, No,
it wouldn't make any sense to herif I started charging. She's like,
who's panning to bang your little dick? Oh? God, the truth,

(09:30):
Bob, nobody's banging your little dick. Yeah, yeah, that's what
your dad likes to do. Itlikes to pound me in the dick.
Oh my god, all Blake doeshis win. It's just there's like a
very few people that other poker playerscheer for, and he just happens to
be on my list. Yeah,it's weird because, like, even people
that I really really like, whenthey win, you're like, why can't

(09:52):
that be me? Why does thatguy win? There's so much jealousy and
poker. It's so hard not tocheer against other people's success. By nature,
you guys all think you're better thaneach other. Yes, you really
do. Every money you think soyou're great. Yeah, everyone, yeah,
everyone, And that's I think it'sfunny. I think it's great though.
I guess that's how it's got tobe. Right. When are you
playing again? Can't say not playinguntil Vegas? Now, old brother,

(10:16):
No, that's a that's not abig one hulk. That's five weeks.
Just listen to the Hawkster over there. You're gonna go, cold brother.
Yeah, uh, a little overtwo weeks apart. It's so bad.
Yeah, best There was like amonth ago, not a month ago,
a couple of weeks ago, waslike, hey, we should go to
Las Vegas for the bye week andon some hookers and then hey man,

(10:41):
that's your hobby. Don't anybody yourwife or otherwise, and then stay until
the Vikings game. I was like, you're out of your fucking day a
whole week. That sounds like hellawful. Yeah, I'm down, let's
go. Okay, you you knowthe trapnel that hotel room would take if
you were in it. Times youcalibunga semen everywhere. Wow, that's pretty

(11:05):
grows. I wish that could bethe title of the podcast. You gross
me right out. We'll hold thesemen and just okay, all right now
you're being calibunga. I don't knowhow you spell that. Kauw wam calibung
hole. I don't even know,man, b u n g a,
I don't know. Calibunga. Momentof sincerity, you know, you know,

(11:31):
like a Twin City summer jam.Right, you're playing in front of
this huge crowd. That's everything you'veever wanted, right man, Just to
live that moment, love it.Yeah, that's that's all I want in
poker. It's sure, I wantto win money. I just want one
one run at a major event,whether it's the world series of pokers don't
have to be the main Like ifI final table the Monster Stack here in

(11:52):
like three weeks, sure what Iwant like one hundred K or something.
Yeah, that'd be super fun.But I just want that moment once in
my life. Want the rush tothe end where you can feel that the
whole poker world is watching the tournamentthat you're in and you're a part of
it. Yeah, it would befucking sweet. I want that rush.
Yeah, I think this is yourear man. I think this is the

(12:13):
best I've ever played. The lastsix months is the best I have ever
played. And it's not even gotI. That'd be great. Blake took
him out another fucker out of aboutfive tournaments in my life. But but
Johnson, I think he shows meis his bank account and then probably laughs
at my cute little bust outs.But yeah, you do have a cute

(12:33):
I think Cute Little Bustouts was thetitle of Zach's podcast, There Were Cute
Little Ones twelve minutes apart. Man, oh man, ye, god,
your MIC's on it a spinoff whenthe Tanninja Turtles joined the Navy, Hey,

(12:58):
can I tell you guys the butI told h Liber off the air
yesterday about my the guy, theyoung man that mows my lawn Jesus Christ.
Yeah, go ahead. So it'sa long story. So I was
a long build up. The youngman who's most so Jesus Christ. Okay,

(13:20):
never mind Chris. Yesterday, IJesus lebr and yesterday I told the
lea Jesus Christ. The truth is, most people, the whole story wouldn't
have last that long. You justasking permission last give her hell saucy dog.

(13:48):
The story is gonna be, well, he wasn't gonna be if you
landed at the first time. It'sabout a kid mowing your lawn. Go
on, come on, you now, you have to tell that's how this
works. You off, Okay.So the young man that mows my lawn
is my insurance guy's son. PatKelly's my insurance guy. It's his son,
Danny. So he's fifteen years oldand his mom or dad will drop

(14:11):
him off at my house. They'llhe'll mow the lawn and then they'll pick
him up and he'll go. Soone Friday, his mom dropped him off
and he started mowing the yard andAnne, his wife, his mom,
Pat's wife, came up to thehouse. She wanted to meet the dogs.
Well, I had. I wasdrinking and I set my phone down

(14:33):
on the couch and the dogs getpumped when anybody walks up to the door.
So the couch fell, My phonefell into the couch and Pat Kelly's
mom or wife stands there. Westart talking. She just tom get there.

(14:56):
Wait a minute, was his mominto her house getting picked up too?
She just got into the conversation.What happened? What did shemo?
So Danny's grandma's wearing Danny's grandma anyway, God, there's no way the end

(15:28):
of this story. It's gonna beCan I finish the story? I've known
you long enough. So I walkedaround my fucking house for three hours and
my fucking and I'm like, Danny, get the grandmas out of here.
She's the phone. I was gonnago to goddamn best by and by a
new phone, and I fucking calledDom to get me an employee discount.

(15:54):
And my wife said she found itin the couch, and I was like,
well, fuck the fuck? Howclose? Was I pretty close?

(16:15):
Kind of yeah, because you didn'tyou couldn't find your phone. You're pissed
there's no doubt. So I couldn'tfind my phone. And I finally find
my phone, and I have likefive text messages from Kelly that's like,
who is this random woman on ourcamera? And then because I didn't have
my phone, it was like allthese question marks, and then it was

(16:36):
who in the fuck is over ather house? Finally got my phone,
I said, it's Danny's mom.So for a second there, it's like,
spent a lot of time with thislovely lady, super hot. But
was she in the house. Yes, yes, she came in so l
walker or watch your walk right?Yeah, Calton thinks you're getting a little

(16:57):
dicky Danny's grandpa. That's the twist. It doesn't see much. Look,
no, poor Danny's grandpa. That'sa alright story, story man, good

(17:29):
one man? It wasn't no,it was fine. Good. Did she
did she believe you? I mean, did she did she throw a fit?
All? She like? No,she believed me? Yeah, because
then I said, look, andyou missed her husband Pat also walking into
them. That's not a good story. No, Well it worked though last
night when I finally got my assumto sit down on the cash a little

(17:52):
bit after the end of the day, I was flipping through the channels and
Fargo was just beginning the movie Fargo, and I haven't seen her from the
beginning for a very, very longtime. It's so spectacular. Man Um
and the blonde haired guy who's alsoin Um big Lebowski, who's you know,
like the yea of the Nihilist.That guy is so great and he

(18:12):
you know, he says like fivewords the entire film his character. Man
That the like when they're sitting inthe booth at the beginning of the movie
talking to the guy who's trying tohire them. Yeah, he's sitting there,
his mouth is gaping open, andhe almost looks asleep, but he's
looking at him just barely through thebottom of his eyes, and a cigarette
is dangling from the side of hismouth. You know everything about that guy

(18:36):
in that scene, and he doesn'tsay a word. Yeah, well,
that's fucking cool. That is whyI would argue what you just said is
the theme of most Korn Brothers movies, right, is they they just cast
the perfect face for that role,where there's whether it's the makeup, the
accent, the actual script, everythingis exactly how it's supposed to be to

(18:56):
get you to that point as quicklyas possible right where there's there No I
wonder if I like this guy ornot. It's like, nope, that's
clearly the bad guy. You cantell immediately that guy. By the ways,
Also in one episode of Seinfeld,he's in the Frogger episode when George
tries to get the Frogger machine acrossthe street. Yeah, that dude is
one of the two guys that helpshim with the electrical thing. And when

(19:17):
George asks him about the outlet,that guy's like, oh, you mean
the holes and then George knows thathe's fucked because the electrician doesn't even know
the term outlet. Yeah. Oneepisode, No, it's at the end.
It's like either season eight or nine. It's one of the last two
seasons. So you know when youhaven't seen that movie again and it's entirety
for a long time, and Ihaven't seen even part of it for a
long time. But there's one partof the film that, as a fifty

(19:41):
two year old saying at this timearound, I kind of I wonder about
which one um The scene with herhigh school friend, the Asian dude yep,
with the super thick accent, whopretends that his wife is dead or
whatever like that, tries to sitbeside her and then goes back around there.
There's when when she gets the callthat she's and she goes, well,

(20:02):
it looks like I'm gonna go fora trip to Minneapolis then, or
to the city's then or whatever,and her husband goes yeah or something like
that. He turns out. Iwonder if he is reacting to the fact
that the night before she got acall from an old high school friend who
said he was in Minneapolis. Iwas trying to think if she mentioned during
that phone call, oh, you'rein Minneapolis. I wonder if there was
an element of that scene of jealousywith him, because he doesn't say very

(20:26):
much, but he does go hechoose for a minute, he's looking straight
ahead and he goes yeah really yeah, right, I'm suspicious, but I'm
not. That scene with the withthe the classmate is so weird. Yeah
there you go, right, andit's so out of place and so weird.
There was a reason that it happened, Obviously they don't do anything with

(20:48):
that there being a reason for it, But I just it's good. Yeah.
Norma Gunderson and Margie or my favoritecouple and on screen, I just
love it. They are the best. How about the day the first time
I saw Fargo. Earlier that day, Kelly and I watched Um The Zodiac

(21:10):
Killer and he's Margie's husband. Isthe Zodiac in Zodia? No kidding?
I didn't know that. Yeah,yeah, the one that they the one
at the end of Zodiac they kindof painted on him, and obviously it
was never proven, but the characterthat they pinted on is that same actor.
D Javier Bardem was on Conan's podcastIt's Fantastic and they were talking about

(21:33):
No Country obviously, which got mesuper pumped. Those are two of my
favorite things Conan in No Country.But I guess I didn't know this,
but um, Javier Bardem's English wasso bad before that movie. He's obviously
gotten way better at English the lastalmost two decades now. He said the
gas station scene, which was theone that Conan specifically asked him about,
because he just that's arguably the bestscene in the movie, and there's no

(21:56):
bad scenes in that movie, butthat is probably the one that everybody remembers.
Because he mentions that, you know, what's the most you've ever lost
in a coin toss anyway, Hesaid that was arguably his hardest scene of
the entire shoot because he's like,I didn't talk much in that movie,
right, I'd have a line ortwo, but I just essentially killed people.
He's like, that one I hadto have a full dialogue with this
guy, and he's like, Iworked on that for months. Wow,

(22:19):
because that's how little English he spoke. I thought that was super fascinating because
when you watched that movie, youwouldn't know this guy doesn't know English very
well. He just killed it.Imagine killed it. Imagine you got hired
to do a movie in Spanish rightwhere you're standing right now, Yeah,
and you only had the one scene. But you did have the one scene.

(22:40):
God damn many would you be ableto do that? I mean,
if you give me a lot ofmoney in six months, I think I
figured it out. You're like yrwhere you're saying, I just you know,
two lines in that scene, threelines in that scene, but then
basically one back and forth monologue.I would work on that one for a
handful of months. But what youjust said about, you know, the
face on that one guy with danglingcigarette is all you needed to know.

(23:00):
Yeah. Uh. Conan said somethingabout the old man behind the counter and
the gas station about how you couldsee the fear on his face immediately.
Right. So, even though noguns ever shown, Anton never specifically says,
if this coin goes the wrong way, I'm gonna fucking kill you,
But it's all implied. But theactor just such a good job of showing

(23:21):
the fear of understanding the situation,even though he kept saying, I don't
know what we're betting, you knowthe thing that he kept trying to act
like he didn't know, but hecould see it in his face that he
knew. And then Javier Bydam justcouldn't stop praising the guy for saying he
was actually underselling himself. He's like, I had to do almost nothing in
that scene. I just basically satthere in eight nuts and that guy did

(23:42):
all the acting. He just hewas giving all the credit to that dude
for just selling it. His jobwas to display fear. My job was
just basically to say, you know, you've been putting it up your whole
life, and that's essentially it.That fucking movie man, Yeah, so
good, all time favorite. It'sthere's not a wasted line, not a
wasted scene. Every performance is spectacular, but again, you could say that

(24:06):
for almost every Cohen Brothers movie.No Country to Me is the peak.
But like Fargo, everybody in thatis spectacular, right, Steve Ashemi's unbelievably
good. They're all good. Huh. Yeah. The guy that um,
the you know, the father inlaw or whatever. Yeah, the guy's
great. Yeah, he's fantastic.I don't know that actor's name, but

(24:26):
that guy's great. Is that TVshow coming back? John Hamm? Yeah,
okay, yeah, do we knowwin? I don't know. And
again who knows if the writer strikesslows any of this stuff down too?
But yeah, what are we onseason five? Nao season five? I
think? Yeah, I think thiswould be five, yes, Chris Rock

(24:52):
Yeah, uh. Fargo season five. It's set in two thousand and nineteen.
Uh. In arch it says itteased a twenty twenty three return,
so um later this year, sayslater this year. I think they're coming
back to Minnesota. I think withthat, right, what's the what's the

(25:14):
worst season? The last one?Yeah, that lady was so good and
they barely used her. The creepynurse lady I've I've liked all of them,
to be honest with you. Um, maybe the EU and McGregor one
was the worst year. I don'tknow. I like that one babe though,

(25:37):
but exactly that's the problem is Ilike that season though too. You're
talking about what is her name,Mary Elizabeth Winstead? I think is her
last name? Jesus, Yeah,she was in Um, Lauren Melville.
I mean that I still watch clipson YouTube that character is which one season

(25:57):
one Billy Bop? I mean,my god, yeah, he was fantastic
and everything. And Martin Freeman isgood and everything too. I just the
scene that I'll never forget is whenhe's Lauren gets pulled in to for questioning
and he turns into like a minute, like a Northern Minnesota priest, like

(26:21):
pastor or whatever, and he startstalking about the church and the bingo and
the you know, the fundraisers stuff, and it's just like he just completely
transformed. And that's I mean,as far as acting goes, I love
to take an acting class because II just have no idea how you do
that? You should do that,it'd be a good bit. Hey,
should man take an acting class?Work for it? Why don't you.

(26:42):
Why don't you let Hawk pay forit, go once, ask for a
refund, and then pocket the restof the money and then spend it on
sitting in hotel rooms? Is thatwhat you did? No comment. You
spent it on shipping in hotel roomsand beating not coming. Now you can
poop anywhere, dude. Yeah,speaking of that, I gotta go do

(27:03):
that right now. You haven't Havenpoker, Please down the voter against your
friends. It's super fun, it'sfree. What it's free for God's sakes?
Sty h A y v I NHaven Poker. That was the after
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