April 8, 2023 • 33 mins
Ben Maller & his 5th Hour home-slice Danny G. have Saturday fun! They're talking: Most Amazing Win in Vegas History, the Terrible Two's, Back Scratcher, Animal Kingdom & more!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Kaboom. If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred
minutes a week was enough, think again. He's the last
remnants of the old Republic, a sole fashion of fairness.
He treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as
the rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow. It's a
clearinghouse of hot takes. Break free for something special. The
(00:22):
Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now in the
air Everywhere. The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller and Danny
Gee kicking off the latest Life of Mallar Life of
Danny Gee podcast as we were back in the Audio Dojo.
(00:44):
This podcast available on demand, a spinoff over the Overnight
show Danny and We Survived the Friday Podcast. We survived
Friday and now here we are the weekend is upon us.
We yeah, And after the Friday podcast, immediately I got
requests for the T shirts that you talked about. But
(01:07):
do people want to pay for them? As the question, Yeah,
everyone would like a nice T shirt. Paying for the
T shirt is a different issue. That's a different problem.
But it's a good design. I might have to post
a photo of what the mock up looks like. Maybe
that'll get people jones in for the T shirt. It's
it's a limited If you missed the Friday podcast we're
(01:29):
kicking around, I was talking to my T shirt people
and the idea of a Minnesota only T shirt for
the Mallard Meat and Greed. Wait a second, you got people. No,
it's just some some persons. Somebody wants to make money
selling T shirts. That's what they want. But but anyway,
so that's that's a possibility again. Give me some feedback.
Email me either at Ben Maller's show at gmail dot
(01:51):
com or for this podcast, we use Real fifth Hour
at gmail dot com. That's Real fifth Hour at gmail
dot com. Gonna be a big picture of your face
right in the middle of the T shirt. No, why
would I do that? No, of course it's I'm drawing
my whole body. I'll be looking all sexy and be one.
You could be like the alien we talked about on
(02:13):
yesterday's show. Yeah, exactly. The boy looks like it looks
like a shitsu. Uh the size of a lapdog? Is
your alien? Arf? Oh man? Well, is that is that
what you have to look like to travel through space?
Or is that what you have to look like? If
you buy it at a toy store somewhere in the
(02:34):
middle of the middle of South America. I don't know
what the hell could be out there, and what it
would require to travel from such far distances, and how
your body would have to be shaped and you wouldn't
need to be eating anything. Really, how do you It's
it's just wild. On this podcast, we have the most
amazing win in Vegas history, the Terrible twos Backscratcher, and
(02:58):
we will also have Safari Kingdom and scientifically a lot
to get to. So let's jump right in. I'm not
gonna go long on this a follow up to a
previous episode of this podcast Energy. On the Friday podcast,
we talked about my trip to Vegas and perrumpt Nevada,
and I spent a lot of time in the car,
(03:21):
did not spend much time at all in the casino.
I got one bet in on San Diego State. They
were minus two and a half point favorites for the
final four game on Saturday, Go after Yourself, San Diego.
They won the game, but they didn't win the bet.
They lost the bet they won on a buzzer beater.
I lost the bet they needed to win by three.
(03:42):
They won by one that sucked, so I was mumped
to out about that. But I spent all day driving
around the Nevada Desert with my wife and driving law
enforcement police people around and so on the way. I
mentioned on the Friday podcast that we had to get
back to LA because my wife had to work and
I had to work on Sunday. She had to work
(04:05):
earlier than me. So we decided we were going to
stay in Vegas and have dinner, and we went to
Nacho Daddy. Daddy had a nice meal at Nacho Daddy.
The next night we ate at this weird like airplane restaurant.
It was just like just a normal restaurant. So we're
on our way out of Vegas. My wife had had
(04:26):
a meet and greet with her friends and said hello,
there was one of the one of the retired nine
one one operators flew in from Florida. She's living in Florida.
So they had a great time fun. So I'm driving
out of the Strip and on the way out, I'm like, hey,
we gotta get gas right because, you know, load up
the mallar won't be able to get back to LA
(04:47):
And all the gas stations on the Strip are just
bending you over. And it's just it's sodomy. It's what
it is that it's insane the amount of money they're
charging for gats. So I'm like, I'm telling my wife, listen,
I know what to do. You gotta I gotta drive
outside the strip where the locals are, because those are
the normal price gas stations. They don't they don't raise
(05:10):
the price for the dopey Taurus. Yeah, veteran move. So
I'm driving around Vegas trying to get outside the strip,
and I we finally find a gas station. I'm probably
driving for about ten minutes, fifteen minute. So we get
outside the strip, find a gas station, and I get out.
I pumped the gas, but I'm tired. I had been
(05:32):
driving eight hours, and I was like. My wife realized
I'm tired. This is not a good idea. So she's
she's like, why don't I start out driving? Which was
I don't really like my wife's driving, but I'd rather
have her drive than me half asleep, because I've almost
died driving half So anyway, she's like, okay, fine, So
I we got to change seats. So I go through
(05:53):
the passenger see. My wife goes around to the driver's seats.
So we get in the car and I'm like, hey,
can you hand me my phone? And uh and and
she says okay, and she's moved some stuff around. We
have some snacks in the car, and my phone's not there.
I'm like, oh, it's got to be there. I just
I drove from the hotel we were at and it's
(06:15):
it's it's clearly it's there. And she said, no, it's
it's not. Oh no, it's not here. So so then
I'm like, I'm trying to you know, how you lose something.
You're like, where did I go? Like what did I do?
Where's the last place I went? And so I'm I'm
backtracking in your mind. Yeah, So I'm retracing my steps
(06:38):
and I'm thinking of like all the places the phone maybe,
and I'm looking through my pockets and I'm looking through
the car and also panic, panic sets in at the
same time, as my wife likes to say, the phone
is your third arm or your third hand or whatever.
So I can't find the fucking thing. And then my
(06:58):
my wife said, well, we have that fine, you know
phone thing, So why don't I look on that? So
she punches it up and I'm sitting next to her.
She punches it up. She says, I found your phone.
It's three miles away on some some street we'd never
(07:19):
heard of in vague. Yeah. So I'm like, how what
what happened? And and so I had when we got
to the hotel parking, which was like thirty bucks to park.
It's so so stupid these hotels charge for parking anyway,
So I had changed out of my my shoes to
(07:42):
put sandals on so I could be comfortable on the
drive back to LA. And I think what I had
done is I'd put the phone like I put it anyway.
So we were debating. My my wife's like, she says,
I get calls all the time at at her job
at nine one one operated. People lose their phones and
(08:02):
we pin it and we never almost never get it back.
It's like a one in a million situation. So we
had a decision. We were outside of the strip, we
were several miles away from where my phone was allegedly at.
Do we drive back to It's by the way, it's
like midnight twelve thirty, right early Sunday. Do we drive
(08:24):
back to La. Do we go back and look for
the phone? But we had to decide like what we
were gonna do, right, So I was kind of leaning
towards going back to Isaiah because she explained that there's
really no chance of getting but she said she's optimistic,
so on, Okay, so we decided to do it. Now,
keep in mind, if your phone is pinned to an
(08:45):
apartment building, you would have to know which apartment it's in.
You don't know, I have no idea, right, yeah, if
somebody stole my phone and they're an apartment. So we
drive and we're driving and my wife's like, we weren't
even on these streets, and you know, I'm like, well,
wait a minute. We kind of were on this street.
I remember because it was near the Mandalay Bay and
(09:08):
there's not much it's actually unfortunately where that that horrible
Vegas shooting was years ago. But anyway, so we were
driving on that road and she saw, your phone's here somewhere, Danny.
It was in the middle of the street Vegas. It
had been there for forty minutes, and you you got
(09:30):
it right. I had changed into my sandals. I'd put
the phone on top of the hood of the or
the bumper or whatever the car. Yeah, it had stayed
there for several miles. We turned and the thing went
flying off. But even more amazing, it landed in the
center divider area and no one drove it over, like
(09:52):
it was a center divider, but it was just painted
with stripes. There was like right, nobody drove it over. Wow,
it was not a scratch on it. It was a
little cold because it'd been out in the desert night
for like forty forty five minutes. I'm believable. That's the
most amazing. When you talk about a long shot paying off.
(10:12):
Please tell me you immediately be line to a flot machine.
I No, I did not. I just I cuddled my
phone though, I'm like, oh, my phone, my great phone,
my friend. I'm like, I was thinking of all the
stuff I hadn't backed up on my phone, and I
was like, I'm gonna lose this. I'm gonna lose that,
(10:35):
these photos, crap, and all my passwords, everything's on there,
and your whole life's on your phone. I'm like, because
I had assumed somebody snaked it when I was walking around,
somebody bumped into me, and you were Vegas's biggest winner
that weekend. Yeah, So the way I look at it.
I lost with San Diego State, but I want a
(10:59):
whole lot more because these phones are seven hundred bucks,
eight hundred bucks whatever. These iPhones are insane, insane to
the membrane. So that was my big Vegas win. On
the way out, and my wife, actually she was She
was able to drive all the way back to California,
(11:19):
back to LA and but she did get upset when
I was on my phone. She said, you're supposed to
be sleeping, So what do you know you're supposed to
be sleeping. Get my phone back. That was not the
Terrible Two's Danny. That was the most amazing win, the
most shocking, stunning upset of all time. Yeah, that was
one in a million. Yeah. The wife and I we
(11:41):
had a Sunday visitor and she just turned two. And
that's our niece, Phoenix. And so my girl's brother he
called on Saturday and it's like, Hey, I need you
guys to babysit Phoenix tomorrow. I have the Dodgers game
with my son's little league team. They get to run
(12:02):
the bases, so we need you guys to watch her.
On Sunday, about ten thirty in the morning, we hear
a knock on the door, and in she comes, running
full speed, and she's really excited to be here. So
Phoenix is really really social. You don't want that little
kid that's shy and goes and poops in the corner
(12:24):
and it's scared to come out the whole time, just
scared to even read my bands. When I asked her
how old are you, she put a thumb in her
index singer she's like two, like an el though, like, oh,
like the loser sign. That's how she showed me she
was two years old. How did you do? My favorite
trick around kids, My favorite trick is when you go
(12:47):
up to too years She might be able too young
for this, but said, what are you seventeen? Eighteen? How
old are you? Like the kids surtdays. They love that.
It's like the greatest gag in the world, Like, oh no,
I'm like I become a thirteen year old girl. She
clings onto words that she's able to say very well.
So any woman who's around is mama. Now, if it's
(13:08):
an animal, she says the name of our dog very well, Daisy.
So my cat is coming up to her and she's
like Daisy, Daisy. Every furball around her was daisy, She's
really cute, and then she starts squatting, and you know
what that means. Then suddenly gets silent. There is something
(13:34):
a brewing, there's something steaming. My wife, who's carrying right now,
she's six months pregnant. She's like, give me three more
months before I got to start changing poop diapers. It's
like I was hoping she would wait until the end
of this visit so that my brother could handle this
(13:56):
when he gets back from Dodgers Stadium. But sure enough,
had do the diaper change. So we said, hey, it's
a sunny day outside. Let's take Phoenix and the kids
to the park. Get the basketball, the pump, I take
the Costco scooter, put it in the back of the car.
We get down to the park, go to the basketball court.
(14:20):
It's an awesome day out there, because you could tell
everybody in southern California has been cooped up the past
couple of months. The park was jamming. The next day
was the start of spring break, so there were so
many kids running around this park and there was also
big family parties going on. Well, little Phoenix immediately runs
(14:44):
up to one of those families. My wife is just
super surprised. It's like, man, none of my kids were
aggressive like that or social like that. They were really shy.
A lot of kids, as you know, will just cling
to their parents' leg. That was me, that was my move,
my mom right every where we went. Yeah, you could
(15:05):
tell Phoenix has several babysitters because she ran up to
these people she's never met in her life, finds kids
somewhat near her age and immediately it's like, be my friend,
be my friend, and grabs the little girl's hands and
is holding hands with these little girls. How these girls
receptive to this or they get away from me or
(15:27):
you know, at first they thought she was cute, but
very quickly they're like, she's annoying us, kind of chasing them,
and they're running away and they're like, get away from her.
And then she goes off to the side and we
see her squatting. Oh no, we're like again, this chicken nugget,
(15:51):
french fry eating two year old. It's squatting for the
second time since we've had her. You gotta go, you
gotta go, Danny, You got to go now, Ben. We
gotta get her back home so we can change her again.
But she pulls an escape route. Move this family that's
off to the side on the grass next to the
(16:12):
basketball courts. They are doing their Armenian dancing. They have
their music blasting, and they have a tent that's set
up kind of like what you set up at the beach. Okay,
that's cool, well except for Phoenix runs over and runs
into the tent. Oh my wife. He has to go retriever,
(16:36):
and you know, it's embarrassing because these people are watching us,
and I guess it turned out that they had a
bunch of toys in there. It took forever to get
her out of there. We had to physically go into
the tent and pull her out, get her back home, changer.
By seven pm they get to our place and finally
(16:58):
retrieve their daughter. But it was a nice is it,
although there were two really stinky diaper changes, all right,
and his Phoenix excited that she's going to be like
a big cousin because you're you're child to be named
later there and the bun in the oven coming out later,
so she'll be Oh, she'll have the advantage because she'll
(17:19):
be a couple of years older than the kid. I'm
guessing those two will spend a good amount of time together.
That's good though, because you're your your son to be
will will be more social right because yes, rub off
on him. Hopefully he won't be running into stranger's tents.
Not necessarily what you're looking for, h my gud at Backscratcher.
(17:45):
Two weeks in a road Danny, we gotta shut out
bad job by you. We gotta pick up the pace.
We we don't have anybody yet. In April, you can
be our first helper, our first podcast helper scratcher the
Apple podcast page podcast dot Apple dot com and then
(18:05):
search the Fifth Hour with Ben Maller. We are still
eleven reviews away from four hundred. We have slowed down
to a snail's pace here. This is not going well.
We need to do better. We need to do better.
Help us out, please, we need your help and we
(18:25):
will give you a little love. Write a little review.
Our bosses, the death spots who run these podcasts, they
look at that kind of stuff. It's a big deal.
So help us out. I'm just saying help us out now,
Safari Kingdom and that means again, Ohio, Aw, It's time
(18:47):
for Ben Maller Kingdom with Benig Radio so thank you, Ohio.
All these are animal related to This is content nobody
else has no has ever done this before, Danny, it's
never been done on the radio. I can't deal with
(19:07):
it unless it has been No, no, no, no, this
is original content. No one else has this content. So
first story comes out of New York where New York,
New York would like to ban you from owning elephants,
kangaroos and other wild animals. They want to ban those
(19:28):
things from homes. You're probably asking, isn't that stuff already band? Oh?
Probably not. I didn't know this, but there's new. I
gotta tell my brother who lives in New York. Newly
introduced legislation from Albany would officially ban New Yorkers from
keeping elephants, hyenas, rhinos, and wales. This is all because
(19:56):
of some dude on Long Island that has had sloths
and kangaroos. That's a lot. Oh, and you could charge
a pretty penny for people to pet a sloth and
take a picture with it. And these political hacks are
complaining saying so. Some of these animals, such as a
(20:17):
red kangaroo, can grow as high as six feet tall
and way up to two hundred pounds. And why do
you need to make a rule about whales? Where the
fuck would you keep a whale at That is a
fair point, but the quoted to state law currently bans
people from raising companion animals such as lions, tigers, and
(20:37):
grizzly bears, while theoretically allowing the possession of other questionable pets.
These include hyenas, rhinos, elephants, kangaroos, whales, dolphins. I guess
it would have to be a small baby whale, seals,
sea lions, walruses, EMUs, ostriches and eaters. Shout out, you
see irvine, armadillos and all that. The proposed band would
(21:01):
not apply to zoos or animal sanctories. Well, thank god, Well,
this is what we need our politicians to do. This
is this is what we need them to do. Clearly,
man alive. I'm looking I'm looking at all this. Wow.
I guess there are some random people that this is
an emu violently hecked at a drunken man. In England,
(21:26):
a Michigan girl was bitten by a sloth. I remember that,
so I think we talked about that. That That was at
a pet store. Actually, I think I remember that we
used to talk about this on the Animal Thunderdome, which
is nothing like this segment. I don't even know what
Most of these exotic animals are owned by big drug kingpins.
It's usually big time drug dealers who have these as pets.
(21:51):
It's like a flex, Danny. You want to show off,
you want to, I'm gonna I'm gonna stereotype. It's dudes
trying to impress women like hey, look at my alligator, yeah,
and then look at my other alegant. Anyway, hello a man,
how about this outam Australia, a man has been charged
after taking a platypus on a train ride. He took
(22:15):
a platypus on a train ride and shopping. A twenty
six year old Australian man accompanied by a woman was
spotted on a suburban train in Australia with a wild
platypus swaddled in a towel and they took the They
just grabbed the platypus and took it on the train
(22:35):
and took it shopping. That's a good word, swaddled. It
is a solid. You don't hear that word very much.
I'll bet you again, Danny said, dude trying to impress
a woman. I think this All these animal stories are
dudes trying to impress women. The hell is a platypus?
Can I impress a woman? Well? Baby, check out my platypus.
(22:56):
They're they're cute platypus. They're they're like cartoon characters. Look
pretty cool. Let's see next. Oh, this is interesting. The
deepest dwelling fish ever seen is a ghostly snail fish.
It was spotted more than twenty seven hundred feet beneath
the ocean surface. According to the Sciences, it is the
(23:20):
the deepest fish ever captured by camera on camera, and
it looks like it's smiling ding okay, like it's you
evil humans. I'm smiling at you, you fuckers. How dare you?
That's what it looks like. It's pretty cool. This took
fifteen years. Danny, define this this fish? Ah, here's a
(23:45):
fun story on the Safari Kingdom from Far Away, from
a land, far far away. A pilot was forced to
make an emergency landing because a snake was crawling around
the cockpit. Let's go to break. Isn't that like out
(24:06):
of Indiana Jones or something like that? Doesn't that seem
like it's out of Indiana Jones. Snakes on a plane, Yeah,
snakes in your pants. The serpent had infiltrated and aircraft,
and it says, seems like a movie, but it's not.
A South African pilot was literally forced to make an
(24:26):
emergency landing because a deadly snake was on his plane.
The pilot said that they were cruising at eleven thousand
feet in the air when he felt something cold around
his hip and the guy freaked out. And he had
four passengers on this private flight to South Africa. This
(24:49):
is a couple days ago, early April, and they realized
that they were They had this crater on there, this
cool sensation crawling up the crawling up the guy's shirt,
he said. And initially they thought it was leakage from
a water bottle. And they saw this cobra, the head
(25:12):
backwards underneath the seat. Oh, it was a cape cobra,
an aggressive South African a snake that has enough venom
to kill nine human beings. Wow, that is nuts. So
they land they did. In the emergency landing, they're trying
to find the plane. There's photo of them trying to
(25:33):
find or find the snake. Rather in the plane and
I don't know that they had success in that. That's crazy.
They say this is similar to the O six horror
comedy Snakes on a plane, as you referenced there, Danny, Oho,
I just googled the cape cobra. That is one scary
looking m effort. And right underneath of the picture it
(25:57):
says cape cobra the most dangerous snake in all of Africa. Yeah. Yeah,
I'm looking at a photo here myself that that is
the definition of a scary snake, like you think of
a snake. And my brother when I was growing up,
my older brother had a snake when but that was
like a boa constrictor. This thing is like horror fuel.
(26:17):
This is not not good. Oh, here's a fun story
out of Maine, Danny. A jogger in Maine was attacked
by a cow. A cow attacked a guy jogging. This
was not whoopee pie Blair as far as we know.
But who you know, who can be sure a nice
(26:39):
jog in Maine? You're out there. And now they say
the the cow's owner may end up facing charges because
of this attack. An unnamed forty three year old woman
was getting ready to go for a run on the
whistle Stop trail. Whistle Stop trail, it's a countryside, a
(27:00):
trail that runs through central Maine. And this cow popped
up she, the woman says she was According to the police,
she was lifted off the ground by the animal's horns,
but was able to escape into a nearby tree line. Yeah.
This is Farmington, Maine, Sapping and Farmington, Maine, according to
(27:25):
Channel eight in Portland, Maine. And so the authorities contacted
the owner of the cow, which she had escaped from
a local farm along with a pig. There you go.
So it's up to the district attorney whether or not
charges will be filed. How fast do cows move? Every
time I've seen cows, they don't move very fast. I
(27:48):
guess if they have a reason to move fast, they can. Yea,
she says. The cow sprung upon her and there you go. Well,
and some bacon burgers out of that cow. I was
just saying, I was gonna I go eat a burger
or something. Yea burger. Knock yourself out. And one last
(28:09):
Safari Kingdom. So we'll have to push scientifical back to
the Sunday podcast. But it turns out Corner New research
in the animal world that some snakes are actually jymnas, Danny,
they perform cart wheels. They performed cart wheels. Yeah, how
exciting is that? Isn't that impressive? You're not impressive. No,
(28:35):
I can't do a cart wheel. You would think a
snake would be able to do a cart wheel. Researchers
studied dwarf reeds snakes in Southeast Asia. They were amazed
to find out that these dwarf red snakes can perform
somersaults when they're threatened. Oh okay, a little summer show.
(28:59):
And of course there's video because everything's recorded for pusterity sakes,
So if you want to google that, you can find
the video. Start picking off those snakes. They say, typically
snakes when they're threatened, they have everything from fleeing to
camouflaging themselves with different colors, different odors, intimidation, etc. But
(29:23):
this is the first time they have ever spotted a snake.
This is a nocturnal snake. So it's probably a listener.
I want to listen to a different station. Anything you
want to promote here, Danny, g anything at all, anything
at all. It's just a nice saturday where I'm gonna
watch some baseball with Baseball underway. It's interesting, Ben, because
(29:47):
we did a pool on the Cavino and Rich Show
where we each picked five MLB teams out of a
hat and at the end of the season, if you
have the team that wins at all, you win all
of the money that's in the pool. Oh cool, Well,
my five teams kind of blow it sucked. They were
laughing at my picks. I didn't personally pick them, but
(30:08):
the ones I pulled. The Devil Raised, though, are off
to a heart well they started as the Devil Raised
with their throwback unis. The Rays are off to a
hot start. So hah. They were laughing at me, saying
I was gonna lose, but it looks like the Rays
are gonna win it all, Big Ben. Who else do
(30:29):
you have? You have Tampa Bay? They should be a
playoff team, Tampa Bay, they're usually right around the playoffs.
You have the Pirates, you have the Reds, you have
I do? I have the Reds? Red Sock? Okay? Terrible? Okay.
So Covino got the Diamondbacks, the Yankees, the Padres, the
White Socks, the Pirates. Is Covino but Yankee fan that
(30:51):
he is, So he got his own team. So yeah,
Diamondbacks they suck. Who else? Yankees? All right? He got
the Diamondbacks, the Yankees, the Padres, the white sucks. The
Pirates all right, so the Pirates and Diamondbacks sucked. Those
are the teams. Maybe andre should be a playoff team.
They're off to a middling start in San Diego. Rich
(31:13):
got the Twins. Speaking of Minnesota, they're all right, the Twins,
but they have that cheating asshole Carlos career. I can
say it on the podcast. He got the A's they sucked.
That's the worst. The Royals, How bad is that? No, Oakland,
they're gonna move the team to Vegas and they're drawing
less than Triple A teams. The Royals, they suck. Oh
(31:33):
that's bad. Yeah, but at least they give you, uh yeah,
they give you a lanyard. They give you a lanyard. Yeah.
He got the Cardinals and the Braves. Braves, Cardinals, Okay,
I can see those two. So my five. I got
the Rays, the Cubs, the Orioles. I could go either way. Yeah.
(31:57):
What do you think about the Oil and the Rockies?
Oh boy? Yeah, And we were all laughing when I
pulled the Rockies out of the hat. Now the loser
of this has to wear crocs to work for a week.
Ros to the office for a week, Yeah, for a week?
(32:21):
All right? In the studio, I am saying I have
men's large, like size ten eleven crocs that I would
take out the garbage with. I'll bring him in. That
violates HR rules rules. Well, you have a very good chance,
you would rich have a very good chance of getting
the number one pick. Your teams could end up with
(32:44):
the number one pick. You know, the worst record in baseball.
You could end up the other way. Damn it. Why'd
have to pick crappy teams? I know, I know, all right, Well,
I have a great rest of your day. We got
a big mail bag. We've got some scientifical nonsense as
well on the next podcast on Sunday, and we will
catch you then. Asta pasta population
Kaboom. If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred
minutes a week was enough, think again. He's the last
remnants of the old Republic, a sole fashion of fairness.
He treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as
the rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow. It's a
clearinghouse of hot takes. Break free for something special. The
(00:22):
Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now in the
air Everywhere. The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller and Danny
Gee kicking off the latest Life of Mallar Life of
Danny Gee podcast as we were back in the Audio Dojo.
(00:44):
This podcast available on demand, a spinoff over the Overnight
show Danny and We Survived the Friday Podcast. We survived
Friday and now here we are the weekend is upon us.
We yeah, And after the Friday podcast, immediately I got
requests for the T shirts that you talked about. But
(01:07):
do people want to pay for them? As the question, Yeah,
everyone would like a nice T shirt. Paying for the
T shirt is a different issue. That's a different problem.
But it's a good design. I might have to post
a photo of what the mock up looks like. Maybe
that'll get people jones in for the T shirt. It's
it's a limited If you missed the Friday podcast we're
(01:29):
kicking around, I was talking to my T shirt people
and the idea of a Minnesota only T shirt for
the Mallard Meat and Greed. Wait a second, you got people. No,
it's just some some persons. Somebody wants to make money
selling T shirts. That's what they want. But but anyway,
so that's that's a possibility again. Give me some feedback.
Email me either at Ben Maller's show at gmail dot
(01:51):
com or for this podcast, we use Real fifth Hour
at gmail dot com. That's Real fifth Hour at gmail
dot com. Gonna be a big picture of your face
right in the middle of the T shirt. No, why
would I do that? No, of course it's I'm drawing
my whole body. I'll be looking all sexy and be one.
You could be like the alien we talked about on
(02:13):
yesterday's show. Yeah, exactly. The boy looks like it looks
like a shitsu. Uh the size of a lapdog? Is
your alien? Arf? Oh man? Well, is that is that
what you have to look like to travel through space?
Or is that what you have to look like? If
you buy it at a toy store somewhere in the
(02:34):
middle of the middle of South America. I don't know
what the hell could be out there, and what it
would require to travel from such far distances, and how
your body would have to be shaped and you wouldn't
need to be eating anything. Really, how do you It's
it's just wild. On this podcast, we have the most
amazing win in Vegas history, the Terrible twos Backscratcher, and
(02:58):
we will also have Safari Kingdom and scientifically a lot
to get to. So let's jump right in. I'm not
gonna go long on this a follow up to a
previous episode of this podcast Energy. On the Friday podcast,
we talked about my trip to Vegas and perrumpt Nevada,
and I spent a lot of time in the car,
(03:21):
did not spend much time at all in the casino.
I got one bet in on San Diego State. They
were minus two and a half point favorites for the
final four game on Saturday, Go after Yourself, San Diego.
They won the game, but they didn't win the bet.
They lost the bet they won on a buzzer beater.
I lost the bet they needed to win by three.
(03:42):
They won by one that sucked, so I was mumped
to out about that. But I spent all day driving
around the Nevada Desert with my wife and driving law
enforcement police people around and so on the way. I
mentioned on the Friday podcast that we had to get
back to LA because my wife had to work and
I had to work on Sunday. She had to work
(04:05):
earlier than me. So we decided we were going to
stay in Vegas and have dinner, and we went to
Nacho Daddy. Daddy had a nice meal at Nacho Daddy.
The next night we ate at this weird like airplane restaurant.
It was just like just a normal restaurant. So we're
on our way out of Vegas. My wife had had
(04:26):
a meet and greet with her friends and said hello,
there was one of the one of the retired nine
one one operators flew in from Florida. She's living in Florida.
So they had a great time fun. So I'm driving
out of the Strip and on the way out, I'm like, hey,
we gotta get gas right because, you know, load up
the mallar won't be able to get back to LA
(04:47):
And all the gas stations on the Strip are just
bending you over. And it's just it's sodomy. It's what
it is that it's insane the amount of money they're
charging for gats. So I'm like, I'm telling my wife, listen,
I know what to do. You gotta I gotta drive
outside the strip where the locals are, because those are
the normal price gas stations. They don't they don't raise
(05:10):
the price for the dopey Taurus. Yeah, veteran move. So
I'm driving around Vegas trying to get outside the strip,
and I we finally find a gas station. I'm probably
driving for about ten minutes, fifteen minute. So we get
outside the strip, find a gas station, and I get out.
I pumped the gas, but I'm tired. I had been
(05:32):
driving eight hours, and I was like. My wife realized
I'm tired. This is not a good idea. So she's
she's like, why don't I start out driving? Which was
I don't really like my wife's driving, but I'd rather
have her drive than me half asleep, because I've almost
died driving half So anyway, she's like, okay, fine, So
I we got to change seats. So I go through
(05:53):
the passenger see. My wife goes around to the driver's seats.
So we get in the car and I'm like, hey,
can you hand me my phone? And uh and and
she says okay, and she's moved some stuff around. We
have some snacks in the car, and my phone's not there.
I'm like, oh, it's got to be there. I just
I drove from the hotel we were at and it's
(06:15):
it's it's clearly it's there. And she said, no, it's
it's not. Oh no, it's not here. So so then
I'm like, I'm trying to you know, how you lose something.
You're like, where did I go? Like what did I do?
Where's the last place I went? And so I'm I'm
backtracking in your mind. Yeah, So I'm retracing my steps
(06:38):
and I'm thinking of like all the places the phone maybe,
and I'm looking through my pockets and I'm looking through
the car and also panic, panic sets in at the
same time, as my wife likes to say, the phone
is your third arm or your third hand or whatever.
So I can't find the fucking thing. And then my
(06:58):
my wife said, well, we have that fine, you know
phone thing, So why don't I look on that? So
she punches it up and I'm sitting next to her.
She punches it up. She says, I found your phone.
It's three miles away on some some street we'd never
(07:19):
heard of in vague. Yeah. So I'm like, how what
what happened? And and so I had when we got
to the hotel parking, which was like thirty bucks to park.
It's so so stupid these hotels charge for parking anyway,
So I had changed out of my my shoes to
(07:42):
put sandals on so I could be comfortable on the
drive back to LA. And I think what I had
done is I'd put the phone like I put it anyway.
So we were debating. My my wife's like, she says,
I get calls all the time at at her job
at nine one one operated. People lose their phones and
(08:02):
we pin it and we never almost never get it back.
It's like a one in a million situation. So we
had a decision. We were outside of the strip, we
were several miles away from where my phone was allegedly at.
Do we drive back to It's by the way, it's
like midnight twelve thirty, right early Sunday. Do we drive
(08:24):
back to La. Do we go back and look for
the phone? But we had to decide like what we
were gonna do, right, So I was kind of leaning
towards going back to Isaiah because she explained that there's
really no chance of getting but she said she's optimistic,
so on, Okay, so we decided to do it. Now,
keep in mind, if your phone is pinned to an
(08:45):
apartment building, you would have to know which apartment it's in.
You don't know, I have no idea, right, yeah, if
somebody stole my phone and they're an apartment. So we
drive and we're driving and my wife's like, we weren't
even on these streets, and you know, I'm like, well,
wait a minute. We kind of were on this street.
I remember because it was near the Mandalay Bay and
(09:08):
there's not much it's actually unfortunately where that that horrible
Vegas shooting was years ago. But anyway, so we were
driving on that road and she saw, your phone's here somewhere, Danny.
It was in the middle of the street Vegas. It
had been there for forty minutes, and you you got
(09:30):
it right. I had changed into my sandals. I'd put
the phone on top of the hood of the or
the bumper or whatever the car. Yeah, it had stayed
there for several miles. We turned and the thing went
flying off. But even more amazing, it landed in the
center divider area and no one drove it over, like
(09:52):
it was a center divider, but it was just painted
with stripes. There was like right, nobody drove it over. Wow,
it was not a scratch on it. It was a
little cold because it'd been out in the desert night
for like forty forty five minutes. I'm believable. That's the
most amazing. When you talk about a long shot paying off.
(10:12):
Please tell me you immediately be line to a flot machine.
I No, I did not. I just I cuddled my
phone though, I'm like, oh, my phone, my great phone,
my friend. I'm like, I was thinking of all the
stuff I hadn't backed up on my phone, and I
was like, I'm gonna lose this. I'm gonna lose that,
(10:35):
these photos, crap, and all my passwords, everything's on there,
and your whole life's on your phone. I'm like, because
I had assumed somebody snaked it when I was walking around,
somebody bumped into me, and you were Vegas's biggest winner
that weekend. Yeah, So the way I look at it.
I lost with San Diego State, but I want a
(10:59):
whole lot more because these phones are seven hundred bucks,
eight hundred bucks whatever. These iPhones are insane, insane to
the membrane. So that was my big Vegas win. On
the way out, and my wife, actually she was She
was able to drive all the way back to California,
(11:19):
back to LA and but she did get upset when
I was on my phone. She said, you're supposed to
be sleeping, So what do you know you're supposed to
be sleeping. Get my phone back. That was not the
Terrible Two's Danny. That was the most amazing win, the
most shocking, stunning upset of all time. Yeah, that was
one in a million. Yeah. The wife and I we
(11:41):
had a Sunday visitor and she just turned two. And
that's our niece, Phoenix. And so my girl's brother he
called on Saturday and it's like, Hey, I need you
guys to babysit Phoenix tomorrow. I have the Dodgers game
with my son's little league team. They get to run
(12:02):
the bases, so we need you guys to watch her.
On Sunday, about ten thirty in the morning, we hear
a knock on the door, and in she comes, running
full speed, and she's really excited to be here. So
Phoenix is really really social. You don't want that little
kid that's shy and goes and poops in the corner
(12:24):
and it's scared to come out the whole time, just
scared to even read my bands. When I asked her
how old are you, she put a thumb in her
index singer she's like two, like an el though, like, oh,
like the loser sign. That's how she showed me she
was two years old. How did you do? My favorite
trick around kids, My favorite trick is when you go
(12:47):
up to too years She might be able too young
for this, but said, what are you seventeen? Eighteen? How
old are you? Like the kids surtdays. They love that.
It's like the greatest gag in the world, Like, oh no,
I'm like I become a thirteen year old girl. She
clings onto words that she's able to say very well.
So any woman who's around is mama. Now, if it's
(13:08):
an animal, she says the name of our dog very well, Daisy.
So my cat is coming up to her and she's
like Daisy, Daisy. Every furball around her was daisy, She's
really cute, and then she starts squatting, and you know
what that means. Then suddenly gets silent. There is something
(13:34):
a brewing, there's something steaming. My wife, who's carrying right now,
she's six months pregnant. She's like, give me three more
months before I got to start changing poop diapers. It's
like I was hoping she would wait until the end
of this visit so that my brother could handle this
(13:56):
when he gets back from Dodgers Stadium. But sure enough,
had do the diaper change. So we said, hey, it's
a sunny day outside. Let's take Phoenix and the kids
to the park. Get the basketball, the pump, I take
the Costco scooter, put it in the back of the car.
We get down to the park, go to the basketball court.
(14:20):
It's an awesome day out there, because you could tell
everybody in southern California has been cooped up the past
couple of months. The park was jamming. The next day
was the start of spring break, so there were so
many kids running around this park and there was also
big family parties going on. Well, little Phoenix immediately runs
(14:44):
up to one of those families. My wife is just
super surprised. It's like, man, none of my kids were
aggressive like that or social like that. They were really shy.
A lot of kids, as you know, will just cling
to their parents' leg. That was me, that was my move,
my mom right every where we went. Yeah, you could
(15:05):
tell Phoenix has several babysitters because she ran up to
these people she's never met in her life, finds kids
somewhat near her age and immediately it's like, be my friend,
be my friend, and grabs the little girl's hands and
is holding hands with these little girls. How these girls
receptive to this or they get away from me or
(15:27):
you know, at first they thought she was cute, but
very quickly they're like, she's annoying us, kind of chasing them,
and they're running away and they're like, get away from her.
And then she goes off to the side and we
see her squatting. Oh no, we're like again, this chicken nugget,
(15:51):
french fry eating two year old. It's squatting for the
second time since we've had her. You gotta go, you
gotta go, Danny, You got to go now, Ben. We
gotta get her back home so we can change her again.
But she pulls an escape route. Move this family that's
off to the side on the grass next to the
(16:12):
basketball courts. They are doing their Armenian dancing. They have
their music blasting, and they have a tent that's set
up kind of like what you set up at the beach. Okay,
that's cool, well except for Phoenix runs over and runs
into the tent. Oh my wife. He has to go retriever,
(16:36):
and you know, it's embarrassing because these people are watching us,
and I guess it turned out that they had a
bunch of toys in there. It took forever to get
her out of there. We had to physically go into
the tent and pull her out, get her back home, changer.
By seven pm they get to our place and finally
(16:58):
retrieve their daughter. But it was a nice is it,
although there were two really stinky diaper changes, all right,
and his Phoenix excited that she's going to be like
a big cousin because you're you're child to be named
later there and the bun in the oven coming out later,
so she'll be Oh, she'll have the advantage because she'll
(17:19):
be a couple of years older than the kid. I'm
guessing those two will spend a good amount of time together.
That's good though, because you're your your son to be
will will be more social right because yes, rub off
on him. Hopefully he won't be running into stranger's tents.
Not necessarily what you're looking for, h my gud at Backscratcher.
(17:45):
Two weeks in a road Danny, we gotta shut out
bad job by you. We gotta pick up the pace.
We we don't have anybody yet. In April, you can
be our first helper, our first podcast helper scratcher the
Apple podcast page podcast dot Apple dot com and then
(18:05):
search the Fifth Hour with Ben Maller. We are still
eleven reviews away from four hundred. We have slowed down
to a snail's pace here. This is not going well.
We need to do better. We need to do better.
Help us out, please, we need your help and we
(18:25):
will give you a little love. Write a little review.
Our bosses, the death spots who run these podcasts, they
look at that kind of stuff. It's a big deal.
So help us out. I'm just saying help us out now,
Safari Kingdom and that means again, Ohio, Aw, It's time
(18:47):
for Ben Maller Kingdom with Benig Radio so thank you, Ohio.
All these are animal related to This is content nobody
else has no has ever done this before, Danny, it's
never been done on the radio. I can't deal with
(19:07):
it unless it has been No, no, no, no, this
is original content. No one else has this content. So
first story comes out of New York where New York,
New York would like to ban you from owning elephants,
kangaroos and other wild animals. They want to ban those
(19:28):
things from homes. You're probably asking, isn't that stuff already band? Oh?
Probably not. I didn't know this, but there's new. I
gotta tell my brother who lives in New York. Newly
introduced legislation from Albany would officially ban New Yorkers from
keeping elephants, hyenas, rhinos, and wales. This is all because
(19:56):
of some dude on Long Island that has had sloths
and kangaroos. That's a lot. Oh, and you could charge
a pretty penny for people to pet a sloth and
take a picture with it. And these political hacks are
complaining saying so. Some of these animals, such as a
(20:17):
red kangaroo, can grow as high as six feet tall
and way up to two hundred pounds. And why do
you need to make a rule about whales? Where the
fuck would you keep a whale at That is a
fair point, but the quoted to state law currently bans
people from raising companion animals such as lions, tigers, and
(20:37):
grizzly bears, while theoretically allowing the possession of other questionable pets.
These include hyenas, rhinos, elephants, kangaroos, whales, dolphins. I guess
it would have to be a small baby whale, seals,
sea lions, walruses, EMUs, ostriches and eaters. Shout out, you
see irvine, armadillos and all that. The proposed band would
(21:01):
not apply to zoos or animal sanctories. Well, thank god, Well,
this is what we need our politicians to do. This
is this is what we need them to do. Clearly,
man alive. I'm looking I'm looking at all this. Wow.
I guess there are some random people that this is
an emu violently hecked at a drunken man. In England,
(21:26):
a Michigan girl was bitten by a sloth. I remember that,
so I think we talked about that. That That was at
a pet store. Actually, I think I remember that we
used to talk about this on the Animal Thunderdome, which
is nothing like this segment. I don't even know what
Most of these exotic animals are owned by big drug kingpins.
It's usually big time drug dealers who have these as pets.
(21:51):
It's like a flex, Danny. You want to show off,
you want to, I'm gonna I'm gonna stereotype. It's dudes
trying to impress women like hey, look at my alligator, yeah,
and then look at my other alegant. Anyway, hello a man,
how about this outam Australia, a man has been charged
after taking a platypus on a train ride. He took
(22:15):
a platypus on a train ride and shopping. A twenty
six year old Australian man accompanied by a woman was
spotted on a suburban train in Australia with a wild
platypus swaddled in a towel and they took the They
just grabbed the platypus and took it on the train
(22:35):
and took it shopping. That's a good word, swaddled. It
is a solid. You don't hear that word very much.
I'll bet you again, Danny said, dude trying to impress
a woman. I think this All these animal stories are
dudes trying to impress women. The hell is a platypus?
Can I impress a woman? Well? Baby, check out my platypus.
(22:56):
They're they're cute platypus. They're they're like cartoon characters. Look
pretty cool. Let's see next. Oh, this is interesting. The
deepest dwelling fish ever seen is a ghostly snail fish.
It was spotted more than twenty seven hundred feet beneath
the ocean surface. According to the Sciences, it is the
(23:20):
the deepest fish ever captured by camera on camera, and
it looks like it's smiling ding okay, like it's you
evil humans. I'm smiling at you, you fuckers. How dare you?
That's what it looks like. It's pretty cool. This took
fifteen years. Danny, define this this fish? Ah, here's a
(23:45):
fun story on the Safari Kingdom from Far Away, from
a land, far far away. A pilot was forced to
make an emergency landing because a snake was crawling around
the cockpit. Let's go to break. Isn't that like out
(24:06):
of Indiana Jones or something like that? Doesn't that seem
like it's out of Indiana Jones. Snakes on a plane, Yeah,
snakes in your pants. The serpent had infiltrated and aircraft,
and it says, seems like a movie, but it's not.
A South African pilot was literally forced to make an
(24:26):
emergency landing because a deadly snake was on his plane.
The pilot said that they were cruising at eleven thousand
feet in the air when he felt something cold around
his hip and the guy freaked out. And he had
four passengers on this private flight to South Africa. This
(24:49):
is a couple days ago, early April, and they realized
that they were They had this crater on there, this
cool sensation crawling up the crawling up the guy's shirt,
he said. And initially they thought it was leakage from
a water bottle. And they saw this cobra, the head
(25:12):
backwards underneath the seat. Oh, it was a cape cobra,
an aggressive South African a snake that has enough venom
to kill nine human beings. Wow, that is nuts. So
they land they did. In the emergency landing, they're trying
to find the plane. There's photo of them trying to
(25:33):
find or find the snake. Rather in the plane and
I don't know that they had success in that. That's crazy.
They say this is similar to the O six horror
comedy Snakes on a plane, as you referenced there, Danny, Oho,
I just googled the cape cobra. That is one scary
looking m effort. And right underneath of the picture it
(25:57):
says cape cobra the most dangerous snake in all of Africa. Yeah. Yeah,
I'm looking at a photo here myself that that is
the definition of a scary snake, like you think of
a snake. And my brother when I was growing up,
my older brother had a snake when but that was
like a boa constrictor. This thing is like horror fuel.
(26:17):
This is not not good. Oh, here's a fun story
out of Maine, Danny. A jogger in Maine was attacked
by a cow. A cow attacked a guy jogging. This
was not whoopee pie Blair as far as we know.
But who you know, who can be sure a nice
(26:39):
jog in Maine? You're out there. And now they say
the the cow's owner may end up facing charges because
of this attack. An unnamed forty three year old woman
was getting ready to go for a run on the
whistle Stop trail. Whistle Stop trail, it's a countryside, a
(27:00):
trail that runs through central Maine. And this cow popped
up she, the woman says she was According to the police,
she was lifted off the ground by the animal's horns,
but was able to escape into a nearby tree line. Yeah.
This is Farmington, Maine, Sapping and Farmington, Maine, according to
(27:25):
Channel eight in Portland, Maine. And so the authorities contacted
the owner of the cow, which she had escaped from
a local farm along with a pig. There you go.
So it's up to the district attorney whether or not
charges will be filed. How fast do cows move? Every
time I've seen cows, they don't move very fast. I
(27:48):
guess if they have a reason to move fast, they can. Yea,
she says. The cow sprung upon her and there you go. Well,
and some bacon burgers out of that cow. I was
just saying, I was gonna I go eat a burger
or something. Yea burger. Knock yourself out. And one last
(28:09):
Safari Kingdom. So we'll have to push scientifical back to
the Sunday podcast. But it turns out Corner New research
in the animal world that some snakes are actually jymnas, Danny,
they perform cart wheels. They performed cart wheels. Yeah, how
exciting is that? Isn't that impressive? You're not impressive. No,
(28:35):
I can't do a cart wheel. You would think a
snake would be able to do a cart wheel. Researchers
studied dwarf reeds snakes in Southeast Asia. They were amazed
to find out that these dwarf red snakes can perform
somersaults when they're threatened. Oh okay, a little summer show.
(28:59):
And of course there's video because everything's recorded for pusterity sakes,
So if you want to google that, you can find
the video. Start picking off those snakes. They say, typically
snakes when they're threatened, they have everything from fleeing to
camouflaging themselves with different colors, different odors, intimidation, etc. But
(29:23):
this is the first time they have ever spotted a snake.
This is a nocturnal snake. So it's probably a listener.
I want to listen to a different station. Anything you
want to promote here, Danny, g anything at all, anything
at all. It's just a nice saturday where I'm gonna
watch some baseball with Baseball underway. It's interesting, Ben, because
(29:47):
we did a pool on the Cavino and Rich Show
where we each picked five MLB teams out of a
hat and at the end of the season, if you
have the team that wins at all, you win all
of the money that's in the pool. Oh cool, Well,
my five teams kind of blow it sucked. They were
laughing at my picks. I didn't personally pick them, but
(30:08):
the ones I pulled. The Devil Raised, though, are off
to a heart well they started as the Devil Raised
with their throwback unis. The Rays are off to a
hot start. So hah. They were laughing at me, saying
I was gonna lose, but it looks like the Rays
are gonna win it all, Big Ben. Who else do
(30:29):
you have? You have Tampa Bay? They should be a
playoff team, Tampa Bay, they're usually right around the playoffs.
You have the Pirates, you have the Reds, you have
I do? I have the Reds? Red Sock? Okay? Terrible? Okay.
So Covino got the Diamondbacks, the Yankees, the Padres, the
White Socks, the Pirates. Is Covino but Yankee fan that
(30:51):
he is, So he got his own team. So yeah,
Diamondbacks they suck. Who else? Yankees? All right? He got
the Diamondbacks, the Yankees, the Padres, the white sucks. The
Pirates all right, so the Pirates and Diamondbacks sucked. Those
are the teams. Maybe andre should be a playoff team.
They're off to a middling start in San Diego. Rich
(31:13):
got the Twins. Speaking of Minnesota, they're all right, the Twins,
but they have that cheating asshole Carlos career. I can
say it on the podcast. He got the A's they sucked.
That's the worst. The Royals, How bad is that? No, Oakland,
they're gonna move the team to Vegas and they're drawing
less than Triple A teams. The Royals, they suck. Oh
(31:33):
that's bad. Yeah, but at least they give you, uh yeah,
they give you a lanyard. They give you a lanyard. Yeah.
He got the Cardinals and the Braves. Braves, Cardinals, Okay,
I can see those two. So my five. I got
the Rays, the Cubs, the Orioles. I could go either way. Yeah.
(31:57):
What do you think about the Oil and the Rockies?
Oh boy? Yeah, And we were all laughing when I
pulled the Rockies out of the hat. Now the loser
of this has to wear crocs to work for a week.
Ros to the office for a week, Yeah, for a week?
(32:21):
All right? In the studio, I am saying I have
men's large, like size ten eleven crocs that I would
take out the garbage with. I'll bring him in. That
violates HR rules rules. Well, you have a very good chance,
you would rich have a very good chance of getting
the number one pick. Your teams could end up with
(32:44):
the number one pick. You know, the worst record in baseball.
You could end up the other way. Damn it. Why'd
have to pick crappy teams? I know, I know, all right, Well,
I have a great rest of your day. We got
a big mail bag. We've got some scientifical nonsense as
well on the next podcast on Sunday, and we will
catch you then. Asta pasta population
Host
Ben Maller
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