YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@BreakfastClubPower1051FM
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Wake that ass up in the morning.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Breakfast Club Morning.
Speaker 3 (00:05):
Everybody is DJ Envy, Jess Hilarius, Charlamage the guy. We
are the Breakfast Club. We got a special guest in
the building because May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Ladies
and gentlemen, friends to the room. Of course, we have
Elliott Connie here.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Welcome, Welcome back. I should say thank you first.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
I'm feeling good. I'm feeling very good.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
First day of mental health aware in this month.
Speaker 4 (00:25):
Man, when when you hear people celebrate Mental Health Awareness Month,
when you see everybody posting their green ribbon, what do
you think people really should be getting out of Mental
Health Awareness Month?
Speaker 1 (00:35):
What I hope they should get out of Mental Health
Awareness Month is I mean, it's it's almost redundant, really,
but just an awareness that your mental health is important
as important as your physical health, your emotional health, your
your overall well being. And I hope it lasts longer
than a month. I hope that we can use this
month as an opportunity to allow people to focus on
(00:56):
their health, their mental health going forward.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Okay, now you got a new podcast, Family Therapy, Family Therapy,
and have a question. I was talking to my wife
the other day, right, and we were talking about our kids.
I have six kids, yep. And she was telling me
that three of my kids feared me, okay, right, three
of them didn't. The three that didn't, of course, is Logan,
who is the Diesel agnominious kid. But Logan the baby
(01:22):
Payton in Brooklyn, which is the youngest seven. The other
three said they fear dad at times.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Now.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
It was kind of concerning to me because I've never
beat them, never hit them, never popped them.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
I am stern.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
I always say I'm fair but firm. But it bothered
me why they were fearful. And they said the reason
that they were fearfule is because sometimes I raised my
voice when I asked him to do things. So, for instance,
my ten year old, my nine year old, excuse me.
His job in the house is to make sure refrigerator
is full with juice, water, sodas, whatever it may be.
That's his job. So when Dad comes home from a
(01:55):
weekend and wants a cold soda and there's no soda,
I'm like, this is your only job, and I might
get a loud it is what it is. My daughter's
job is to make a bed and to do the dishes.
If they're not done, I raise my voice a little bit.
But as family therapy have in a family, what is
your take on kids and fearing their dad, not fear
where they see me to dive under the bed, but
(02:16):
that little fearful thing.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Well, first of all, I think sometimes we confuse fear
and respect. So I think it's a good idea for
children to respect their father and their mother. In this
specific instance, I would ask you if your youngest child's
job is to make sure there's juice and soda and
things in the refrigerator, and you come home and there
is nothing cold to drink, and you're frustrated and you
(02:41):
get a little loud, My question for you would be,
when you come home and there is drinks and the
child has done their job, you get equally enthusiastic in
the praise of them. You're right, I don't, And if
you did, then that would create a balance and there
wouldn't necessarily be the fear because they wouldn't associate you
with the feedback of it has and worked. You have
(03:01):
to be equally enthusiastic in the praise as you are
in the criticism.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
So it's just what family therapy is all about. It.
Speaker 4 (03:08):
I listened to the first episode and I forgot the
couple's name, Jay and David.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Jay and David Yeah the football former NFL player.
Speaker 4 (03:16):
Yeah, so is just what it would be about questions
like and we just asked, Yeah. You know.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
The way that I do therapy, it's called solution focused
brief therapy. It's based on questions, and questions are very
very powerful things, and we don't we don't really think
about the questions that we ask ourselves. But questions are
real powerful and we can't help but change it. So
my job is to ask people the kinds of questions
(03:42):
that change the way they look at things, change the
way they view themselves, and change the way they react
in the world.
Speaker 3 (03:49):
You know, And the question I do ask. A lot
of times, we don't give positive and reinforcements because it's
it's what you should do, right. Yeah, But nobody ever says, Charlemane,
you were a good dad this weekend.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
He's supposed to be.
Speaker 4 (04:00):
That's not true. My kids could be positive it all
the time, and I love it.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
But that's what.
Speaker 4 (04:07):
I mean.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
My kids do that too, But nobody will say, Charlomane,
you took your kids out this weeknd. Oh you were
being a good day.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
I don't care about the outside validay, but we we.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Need to have more positive conversations. Like I remember as
a I was in like the third grade, literally the
third grade, and y'all remember when you're that young, you
get a grade for everything, right, Like your report card
has fifty thousand things on it. Yep. I was so
happy that I got. I got a's in like English, right,
I got like five or six a's whatever it was.
And I remember coming home and I'm like so pleased.
(04:36):
I'm gonna show my father like this report card, like
it's got all these a's on it. He's going to
love this. I showed him this report card and I
got a very kind of low response, and I was like,
aren't you gonna And he actually said to me, you're
supposed to get a's. And I remember thinking as a kid,
like then why try? Like as a third grade I
remember thinking, what's the point to put forth effort? Because
(04:59):
we need to have positive conversations if only to create
balance for the negative conversations, because the world makes us
talk about negative things, so we have to create effort
to talk about positive things.
Speaker 4 (05:11):
And what's crazy we act like as humans. We don't
already know that, right. Like everything we do every day,
you're looking for some type of positive reinforcement, whether you
whether you.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Say you are or not. That's why with social media
is the worst of that.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
If you're going to read comments about something that you did,
it's because you want positive reinformances.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
This is reading for you, yourn helf.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
The whole reason that we woke up today and all
of us did. We all did some grooming thing. You
chose an outfit. If you didn't care about positive you'd
roll out a bit, throw a T shirt and come
to work.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
That's right, right.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
The reason why we put forth effort in anything is
we want acceptance and we want positive validation and we
want feedback. And I'm promising you like your children want.
When your child does a good job and he's loaded
all the drinks in the refrigerator, he wants somebody to
come and tell him good job. And that's not weakness,
that's just the human condition.
Speaker 4 (06:02):
If humans didn't care, compliments and insults wouldn't exist with
not exist either one, not at all.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Now, what do you think about these students dealing with
everything that's going on with them? Having to think about
who's going to be the next president, and then some
of these students protesting on these campuses, how is that
affecting their mental health? Because I mean, as adults, we're
stressed out, so I know it has to be either,
you know, even worse on now.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Yeah, you know, I'm concerned for this generation of kids
because we're not designed to consume the level of data
that we are consuming, and these kids are consuming massive
amounts of information at a time when their brains can't
really handle it. So I'm concerned about what that's going
(06:46):
to do to their overall well being. To be very
honest with you, like we're seeing massive upticks and things
like anxiety and depression. It's directly attributable to what's going
on in the world. Having said that, I'm also very
encouraged to see these kids playing a role in what
their future will look like. I think I think politicians
should be more responsive to society, and what I see
(07:10):
these kids doing is letting the world know what they
want to have happened in their life. Sure, and I
hope that politicians listen and pay attention because these young
people are going to be the ones voting for the
next however many years, and I think this generation is
more kind of interactive in the world they want to create.
I think this generation is more like contributing to the
(07:33):
world they want to live in. And I think that's
a beautiful thing actually, and I think I hope politicians
pay attention to it. They won't be re elected.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
You know, when it comes to family therapy, what is
family therapy to Elliot Kane.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Hmm man, that's a good question. I think family therapy.
It's hard for me at this point in my career.
It's hard for me to differentiate family therapy versus any
other kind of therapy because family therapy is really therapy
that impacts the system. And I think we often think
family therapy is when the system comes to therapy, But
I don't really think about it that way anymore, because
(08:07):
I think anything any kind of therapy I do impact
this system. And we all know this. If you have
a super great day and you go home, that's going
to reverberate through the household. If one of your children
goes to school and has a super bad day, that's
going to reverberate through the household. So if one member
of a family comes to therapy, and that healing does
(08:28):
something in the family, then that's systemic. I remember working
with a client one time and this kid was probably
thirteen years old, and these are the kind of things
that molded my view of humans. Change therapy and family
therapy really. But this thirteen year old, I asked him
what he wanted to achieve. When I do therapy, I
always ask people what are their best hopes from talking
(08:50):
with me, which is my way of saying, how do
you want this to make a difference in your life?
And this thirteen year old said, I don't think you can.
And I said how so? And he explained to me
that his father drank a lot. And he said, there's
really nothing you can talk to me about. It's going
to help my father stop drinking. And I said, that's true.
So let's imagine your father continues drinking like he never stops.
(09:12):
He just continues drinks throughout your childhood, but you develop
the ability to achieve your greatness in spite of your
father's drinking. What kind of greatness do you want to achieve?
This kid tells me, let's go to college, and tells
me the career who wants to have and we start
having this discussion about his future, which, by the way,
is really important because your future should not be singularly
determinate based upon somebody else's behavior, even your parents. And
(09:32):
this thirteen year old starts telling me about this future
who wants to have the end of the first session,
he's like, man, this was really cool, Like, I'm glad
I got to talk to you about this. He comes
back to another session. I said, what's been better? And
he said, you know what, my father's still drinking, but
I'm doing better in school because I'm realizing that my
future is my future, not really, I don't have to
wait for my father to heal in order for me
(09:53):
to grow great. So we have probably two or three sessions,
and I don't see that kid anymore. The mom tells
me kids doing better. I don't hear from that kid whatsoever.
About six months later, the father comes to therapy and
I said, what are your best hope? Form are talking?
And father said, my son is doing better and I
need to figure out how to not ruin it. Wow,
And that father ended up getting sober. Now how does
(10:16):
that happen? Because you, like, we participate in whatever is
going on in the family. So if that is something positive,
then the family has a tendency to get on board
with that. If that is something negative, then the family
has a tendency to get on board with that. So,
prior to me meeting that child, the dad's drinking was
creating a negative environment and producing negative outcomes. The kid's
grades were suffering so on its own. But once the
(10:37):
kids started getting better, then the family gets on board
with that, and that father ended up getting clean. So
when the child initially said, do you don't think I
don't think you can help me with the thing that
I want to achieve, I knew he was wrong. Of
course we can. You are a very powerful force in
your family. So if you go home and you start
doing positive things and you start changing your life, then
the father has to kind of look at himself in
(10:57):
a different way. And for me, that's what family thinks.
It's having an impact on how a family system functions,
it's having impact on future generations within a family. It's
having an impact on healing generational traumas. To me, that's
what family therapy is. It doesn't really matter whether there's
one person there or whole family system shows up.
Speaker 3 (11:18):
I think I ask you this question every time you
come about society and society being a lot softer than
when we were kids. Is that changing at all? Because
I think a lot of times people they don't go
through the problems that they necessarily have because it's easy
to be like, I'm having a mental problem, I need
a mental break instead of dealing with the situations. How
(11:40):
do you think this.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Helps the youth.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
Grow up when it comes to dealing with problems, dealing
with things, and dealing with just life in general.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yeah, you know, I don't know if this generation is softer.
I know that's a common thing that we say. I
think this generation is more sensitive, and I think this
generation has more resources and in available to them that
we did not have. Like I tell people all the time,
I took a lot of beatings and abuse simply because
I didn't know there was a whole organization designed to
(12:11):
protect me called child Protective Services. I had no idea
that that was a thing when I was ten years old.
Your parents exactly these days kids know that. But I
think the further thing to your question that I think
is really important is I do think we have to
face challenges. I do think that we learn a lot
from overcoming challenges. I think we learn a lot from
overcoming obstacles that we didn't think we could overcome. Human
(12:35):
beings are animals in pursuit of comfort, so it's very
easy to be challenged and then think, ooh, I'm going
to take a day off from school or a day
off from work. I need to rest day, I need
a mental health break, when really what they need is
to face that challenge head on and to overcome it.
And I think we should encourage kids to do that
and remind them that you are capable of achieving things
(12:57):
even when you didn't think you could.
Speaker 4 (12:58):
You know what's interest than about what and be said,
you know the illusion that you grow up to be
an adult with no issues. I don't know anybody from
our era who don't have issues. Like just like all
of that, those beatings or whatever, it didn't it did.
It didn't make us tougher. We didn't grow up in
life and not know how to be able to deal
(13:19):
with our issues better.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Everybody's fragile. I got no forty plus year old people
right now that are fragile.
Speaker 4 (13:25):
Y know they are Instagram crying, they're in interviews crying
like they are.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
You can look at them and tell that they need
some real work done. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
I that's why I don't. I understand what the env
you're saying, understand what you're saying fully, but I don't.
I don't know that it's softer. I think to live
is to struggle, and I don't know anybody that doesn't
have anything to heal from.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
I think we suppressed more.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
I agree.
Speaker 4 (13:48):
I think these kids they just express it like they
have no and they have the language for it.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
They know what they're dealing with and they know what
they're going through.
Speaker 4 (13:55):
That's why I hate when people say things like therapy
is a trend now or talking about our mental health
issues is a fad.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
No.
Speaker 4 (14:02):
I feel like there's a generation that just feels open
about talking about.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
These issues right, which I think is a good thing.
Absolutely to your point, Charlotte Mane, like I've had in
the past, I would say five maybe seven years, I've
had more therapy initiated by a child in the family
than ever before that. Like I've had people say, my
child saw one of your videos, my child saw you
(14:25):
lecture at the local school, my child saw you in
somewhere and wanted me to contact you for therapy. We
wouldn't have done that as kids like that wasn't something
we would have done in our generation. And I think
this generation is just more expectant of having these things
addressed as they should be.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
You know what I thought it?
Speaker 3 (14:42):
It was like I was thinking, sorry to cut you off,
like one of the students.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
We were at clock University, right, and.
Speaker 3 (14:48):
It's finals week, right, and we've all been through finals. Yeah,
we all been through final week and how difficult that
is to prepare it to study and it's a semesters
full of work, right, Yeah, but we all know that
we have to study and we have to get to it.
We have to take those tests. Yes, I've seen the
students say it's too hard for me. I need a
mental break. This is too difficult. I need to take
a week off. Now when you get to that level,
(15:10):
is it do they really need a mental break or
is it still overwhelming? Because it's the same issues in
the same studying that we've been doing that my I've
been doing, your parent's been doing, my parents been doing.
So why is it now that it's too much?
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Because we've been doing it.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
And even if we if we fail or we pass,
if we get an A, A B or a C. Like,
we still do what we gotta do, what we try
out our hardest, but I feel like sometimes it takes
kids away from trying their hardest.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
But I don't. First of all, I agree with you.
I think if kids look at how hard it is,
it takes away from them being able to try their hardest.
But I also think we somehow romanticize the past because
I remember taking finals and I remember kids saying I
need a week off, I need a mental health break.
I remember that we just didn't really give it any attention.
Because there's equal amount of kids saying they just got
(15:55):
to get through this, and I'm sure that's true today
there are kids that are just like, I got to
get through this, and then there are other kids saying
I need a week off because it's stressful for them.
It's anxiety provoking for them. That's life. But that's life,
and it was life in nineteen ninety five when I
went to college taking these tests, and it's life in
twenty twenty four for these kids now.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
And some of.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
These kids like this might be too much for them,
as it was for some of the kids I went
to college.
Speaker 4 (16:19):
It was too much for us. But I didn't go
to college. But life is too much for people. Why
are we acting like that. These kids are going through
anything that we didn't go through, and we didn't come
out of it clean.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
We're crazy, Actually, we're crazy.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
I actually think life is way harder now because we
had to go through all of that without social media. Yes,
I think life is way harder because I had no
idea whatsoever about what was going on politically. I did
not understand international war. I didn't understand any of that.
And these kids right now are very aware.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Yeah, my dad told topic.
Speaker 4 (16:53):
My dad told me in twenty eighteen. You know when
I started I start talking about my issues around twenty sixteen,
book came out shook when he told me that he
tried to kill himself thirty plus years ago. He's been
on ten to twelve different medications for his mental health.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, he was going to a therapist three and four
times a week.
Speaker 4 (17:11):
You know how many stories I started hearing like that
once I started having conversations. So this whole notion that
we just went through everything in the eighties and nineties
like it was nothing, lie.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
It's not accurate the past. Yes, and I think times
were hard times are always hard, it's actually harder now
because social media is real. Social media is a thing,
and these kids' anxieties are through the roof. And that's
not weakness. We're actually introducing more to their brains than
they can handle. I don't know how I would have
(17:43):
studied for my finals if I also had to worry
about a war. There are multiple wars going on right now. Actually,
but if I had to worry about all that stuff,
it's too much. It's literally too much.
Speaker 4 (17:52):
What do people do to protect their minds, their mental
against social media? Because I always say it's a lack
of emotional iq for people to care so much about
what other folks think about them. Am I accurate? Am
I wrown?
Speaker 2 (18:05):
No?
Speaker 1 (18:05):
I think that's pretty accurate. I think what people should do.
But I really want to say, get off of it, right,
But I think it's too late, Like it's too late.
The easiest thing is to remember that that's not real life.
I think we have to train our children to understand
that that is not real. That does not matter. That's
monopoly money, essentially, like what's going on in social media.
(18:27):
It doesn't matter. It's not it's not really real. It's
not really important, and when kids realize that, they tend
to do way better.
Speaker 4 (18:34):
It's not just kids though, it's adult I'm watching some
really intelligent people, people that I know are some of
the most well read, book smart individuals who care more
about their relationships online than they do it their their
relationships offline.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
I think that's true. But I was focusing on kids
because that we were talking about. But everybody, like, we
need to remember that, like that world is just not real.
What's real is your friendships, your connections, the people you
talk to, your family, your loved ones, Like that's what's real.
How many likes and followers you have? Like that is irrelevant.
Data that is not That is not real. But people
(19:10):
get caught up in it.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
But I also tell I tell my kids and I
tell my friends. Use social media as a tool.
Speaker 2 (19:16):
That's exactly what it is.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Not Not as an educational piece, not as a friend,
not as something where you're looking for approval. Use it
as a tool. Like my daughter does, she just graduated
from myu IS. She does she works with her hand
and she does real estate. I said, you use it
to do your real estate. That's exactly what you use
it as a tool. My other daughters do dance. You
do it for that, you do it for tool. But
most people don't say it, And like Seanamay said, they
(19:38):
look for acceptance from people that are not going to
give them the acceptance that they're looking and they try
try again until we see them self.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Distruct That's true. I absolutely think it is a tool.
That is all. Social media is a tool. Where we've
gotten into trouble is social media has turned the world
into like that high school popularity context correct And I
remember being in high scho school and you know, you're
upset because the girl you like doesn't like you back,
or you're not sitting at the cool kid table at
(20:05):
the cafeteria whatever, and the adults would say, you know,
in a few years, it's angle matter because it's isn't real,
And they're right, that's one hundred percent truth. There are people, adults, celebrities,
like I've seen people all over the world like they
just get too wrapped up in what social media is
saying about them because we've allowed it to become like
the world's cafeteria. But if you use it as a
(20:25):
tool and if you remember like this is not real,
you tend to have much healthier lives about that.
Speaker 4 (20:29):
Stuff, and how can a bunch of stranges tell you
about you? And more importantly, how can a bunch of
strangers tell you about somebody you actually know. Imagine if
I interact with a person every day in real life,
but on social media, it's a whole other narrative about
this individual. Yeah, who am I supposed to believe my
real life experiences are these books on social media?
Speaker 2 (20:49):
I don't even know you.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
These people on social media, they don't know you. They're
just spitting out whatever they heard. I just think it's
crazy that we've allowed this to happen, and we have
to remember or it's just not real and personal relationships
still in fact matter. I have friends in the entertainment
industry and I see stories about them that I know
not to be true. There have been times that I've
been hanging out with people like Tiffany Has and I'll
(21:12):
see stories about her and like, I know that's not true.
I was there with her that particular night, And to
your point, like, I'm not listening to that story, Like
I'm gonna believe my own real relationship and interaction with
this person. And I think too often we let social
media determine and define what our experiences are and it's
just not real.
Speaker 4 (21:28):
As a therapist, is social media the number one thing
you see affecting people's mental.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
I think.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
I think social media is absolutely, especially in the younger generation,
is the number one thing contributing to a mental health
crisis in this in this society. Wow, for sure.
Speaker 4 (21:47):
And the only the only explanation, I mean only uh uh.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
I guess cure for it is to just get off.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
I would love to say that, but they're not going
to get off. The only cure for it is to
realize it's artificial, it is not really, it does not matter,
and the reason why we have to be limited with it. Again,
your brain is influenced by the data it receives. So
if I envy hell to all of you six ft
six foot, this is how susceptible your brain is the
(22:16):
information If every now he knows he's six foot I
asked him, and in a second he was like, this
is the answer. If I train everyone in your life
to start calling you five foot ten, eventually he's going
to be like, you know, maybe I'm five foot ten.
Everybody's saying it gets them five foot ten, Like that's
how susceptible your brain is. So imagine if you are
(22:39):
on social media and everybody's saying such and such about you,
whether you know it to be true or not, becomes
irrelevant because the onslaught of data influences the way your
brain thinks. And the only way to combat that is
to stay off of it. You know, I have a team.
I run a large therapy training organization, and we post
a lot of content on social media, and not all
(23:01):
the comments are kind, not all the comments are useful,
and every now and then and I get a notification
on everybody comments, I get an invocation on my phone,
and if I say anything to my team, they all
say stayhead of those comments because they're trying to protect
my mental health because they know if you see that
stuff constantly and onslaught of it, your brain accepts it.
(23:21):
So we have to limit that stuff. And what did
I do to limit is I just don't look at
the comments.
Speaker 4 (23:25):
So a question like, let's say you're on social media
and it's it's a bunch of positive comments, right like literally,
it might be ten to fifteen positive comments and then
there's just one negative comment. Why are our brains wired
to focus on that negative comment.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Well, it's a survival really, like we we are very
good at determining threat that's that's what human brains are
designed to do, and a negative comment is associated with threats.
We're much better at holding on to a negative comment
because we perceive that as a threat, and that keeps
us safe. We have to work against that and actually
(24:01):
give weight to the compliment because it's actually true. Like
if a hundred people tell you you're the greatest, or
one hundred people tell you you're the greatest, and then
one person says you're the worst, we have a tendency
to hold on to that, and we have to counter
that by realizing we're no longer in a survival situation.
We can actually enjoy the loving comment that we've gotten.
We can actually give weight to that loving comment just
(24:21):
as much, and that improves your mental health. That makes
life better.
Speaker 3 (24:25):
I was going to ask, when you're dealing with people
that's been on social media, how do you Because most
people are not going to get on social media no more,
they're not, you can say, hey, get on social media.
Even to myself, like I do limit the amount of
time that I own. I don't look at comments. There's
certain things that I don't do because I'm getting to
the point where I don't care, right, And I think
(24:45):
that's one of those things where you've been beat up
so much you just don't care. So how do you
explain that to people, especially celebrities who they live off
of this and sometimes they might change who they are
based off of a comment. They might change their inside
based of a comment. They might change through their living
is based off of a comet. So how do you
talk to kids, adults, and celebrities about.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
That by explaining to them the goal should be happiness.
And I don't know anybody, literally, anybody that spends a
lot of time caring about what people think about them
that are happy. So if the goal is happiness, then
the pathway becomes very very clear. We know what we
need to do to be happy. I don't have to
actually tell them what to do. I just have to
ask them, what is your goal that you're trying to achieve.
(25:27):
I'm trying to achieve happiness. You tell me what you
need to start doing differently in order for you to achieve. Like,
we know we shouldn't be drinking, we know that we
shouldn't be out late at night. We know we shouldn't
be using drugs. We know we shouldn't be on social
media extreme amounts of time. And when I say, like,
what do you need to do in order to achieve happiness?
(25:47):
They tell me I probably need to stay out of
the comments because I've noticed when I'm in the comments
more i'm happy, I'm less happy. I notice when I'm
out drinking, I'm less happy. I notice when I'm out
super duper late a night at the club, I'm less happy.
So what do you need to do? They always say
the exact same thing. More time with family, more time
with my partner, more time in the gym, more time
(26:09):
doing healthy things. I don't know anybody who spends time
doing those things and isn't happier or at least a
happier version of themselves. But we just waste our time
doing these other things, mostly because vanity is real, Like
vanity is really really real, and people want those vanity metrics.
I want my followers up, I want people interacting, But
what you should want is happiness.
Speaker 4 (26:32):
That's why meditation is so important, That's why time with
yourself is so important, because you really got to be
aware of the energy your body is feeling like there's
certain people, certain circumstances, certain things that you can automatically
make your energy feel love. And then there's certain people,
certain things, certain circumstances that make your energy automatically go down.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
So which one should you stay away?
Speaker 4 (26:56):
But you can't under you won't understand that if you're
not really into une with your your emotional and mental
well being.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
That's absolutely true. Like the there's so much I want
to say about the podcast about the podcast Family Therapy,
and I can't really because you gotta watch it, experience,
you gotta listen to it. But the big lesson that
I hope people get is the woman focus on this
(27:23):
podcast is one of the most incredible, inspiring, well achieved
women that you could possibly meet. But when she looked
in the mirror, that's not what she saw. And when
you spend time with yourself and when you meditate and
when you fully assess, we have a tendency to assess
ourselves and only be aware of the negative things. And
I think sometimes therapy is enforced that because you got
(27:45):
to figure out what's wrong with you and fix it.
But what if, at least in part I would actually
go farther, but at least in part, what if we
have to figure out what's great about us and own
that too? And throughout this you're gonna see You're going
to see how that impacts people. And I hope if
I could make one contribution to society, I hope I
(28:05):
would be helping people to see their greatness within themselves,
because I just don't think we spend enough time doing that.
I don't think we spend enough time celebrating ourselves. I
don't think we spend enough time looking in our history
realizing that I'm kind of awesome. I got through that.
I overcame that, I achieved that. We spend a lot
of time saying I should have been like social media right,
(28:28):
I thought it'd be a millionaire by thirty or I
thought I have one hundred thousand subscribers by this data,
and we really need to just change the way we
think about everything. We need to look back and have
a positive assessment of ourselves.
Speaker 3 (28:39):
You're right, And you know one thing, my big headed
coho said to me that he don't think I'd be listening,
but I'd be listening. One thing he said that I
finally got a couple of years ago, and people hate
me for it, but I don't care. It's being comfortable,
right sometimes I'm not gonna say sometimes, but before I
would make myself uncomfortable, or I would be uncomfortable because
(29:01):
of other reasons. Right, and now I'm in a position
and I think everybody should be this way if they can,
just to be happier in life. Meaning if something doesn't
make you comfortable, mesic, if you're going somewhere, or somebody
in your house or somebody around you, change it because
it makes you happier. Right, Because a lot of times
we get to the feeling of somebody apologizes and you
(29:22):
forgive them, and still you just don't want them around you.
I forgive you, but I just don't want you in
my vicinity. I just don't want to be there. If
I don't want to go to this function, I'm not
going to the function, and I don't care who thinks
anywhere around me, because I realized that that makes me
happier in life.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
Right.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
I used to throw it. I think my big head
co host was an asshole. He'd be like, I ain't
going because I just don't want to go. I'd be like,
I'd be like Charlamage's being Charlomagne. But then when you realize, nah,
he's protecting his mental because he don't want to deal
with them people.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Correct, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (29:52):
And I know this.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
Once I started doing that, life is even better like
it is what it is.
Speaker 4 (29:57):
That's why he loves going to get profect exams A
lot makes me he likes that. Right, You've got a
few of them, you too. I'm gonna be here for
this one. No, but I think that's absolutely true. When
you protect your own piece, and if somebody invites you
to do something and you know that would interrupt my piece,
(30:18):
that's right. You don't have to go.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
The only reason we go is because I don't want
them to think this. No, no, no, you need to
prioritize yourself. We need to do that much more often,
and I don't think we do very often as a
as a collective. You know, we do a lot of
things because we want other people to think, you know this,
that or whatever.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
You too much explain it of why. But it could
be because I don't.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Want to, or just no, no, I don't want to,
the best thing I can do tonight is spend time
with myself. So I'm not going to go to the
thing that you've invited me to, whatever it is.
Speaker 4 (30:48):
I wanted to ask you too about you know, you
recently did work with Fredo Bang.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (30:53):
You you were on fred Bang's y'all did a therapy session.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
We did. We did a session that he's going to
use for the release of his newest album and for
the song Yes I'm Sad.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
Yeah, I think it was a deluxe album. Yeah, yeah,
what was that?
Speaker 1 (31:06):
Like? Man? That was incredible? Man, shark man, It's hard
to even put into words. First of all, have a
tremendous amount of respect for him. Uh in a very
short amount of time getting to know him. He's been
through a lot, Like he has been through a whole,
whole lot, and in just the decision to want to
(31:28):
address that and to have a conversation with a therapist,
in my opinion, is a profound decision. But to expose
his audience to that because he wants to spread healing,
that is that was an incredible thing to be a
part of. And for me, like at this stage of
my career, like I want to make healing go viral,
(31:50):
you know, I want to make healing and I mean
true healing. I'm not talking about talking about it or
you know, fixing what's wrong with you. I mean, like
to your point earlier, I don't know anybody who's been
a live longer than ten minutes that doesn't have something
to heal from. And when I look at social media,
you know, you see someone with a super positive mental
(32:11):
health message and they get this many views, and someone
doing a food review of a cheeseburger stand gets this
many views, and that's fine. Like I'm not hating on them,
like you know, have your success, but I want the
world to be equally interested in mental health and healing.
And for someone like Fredo, with his positionality in the
culture to prioritize that, I think that that's massive. I
(32:34):
think that that that's the kind of thing that will
have a rippling impact and will likely save people's lives.
Like someone's life. I can guarantee you someone's life will
be saved because they look up to Fredo and they
recognize him as a as who he is in the culture.
And if he thinks therapy and mental health is important,
then someone somewhere in Baton Rouge, Louisiana or wherever, is
(32:57):
going to think mental health is important and they're going
to seek therapy too because Fredro made it cool. So
to be a part of that moment was It's hard
to put into words how appreciative I am for that
and how much that means to me. It's a very
very big deal, I think.
Speaker 4 (33:14):
And make sure y'all subscribe and download Elliot Khanyi's podcast
Family Therapy with Elliott Kanie. You know, the day is
the first day of Mental Health Awareness Month. Man, So
if you're looking for a new mental health awareness podcast,
a new mindfulness podcast to add to your rotation, Elliot
Kanye Family Therapy is the one.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
And if they want to participate, what can they do? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Look, so follow me on social media at Elliott Speaks,
spell my name with two l's and two teas at
Elliott Speaks and leave a comment, leave a rating like
really help us reach more people, Like I tell people
I really do want mental health and healing to go
viral and have a moment and impact lives, and I
can't do that without help. So if you want to participate,
(33:56):
listen to the podcast downloaded on i Heart radio app,
the Black Effect Podcast Network website, wherever you listen to
podcasts iTunes, Spotify wherever you listen to podcasts and join
the conversation, like and when you listen, this is like,
how do I describe it? It's like this epic reality show.
(34:17):
There are multiple characters within this first family that we're
doing this with. Andna, you're gonna really resonate with David
or Jay or Jay's father who's a part of the process,
whose name is Freddie. Just just allow yourself to have
access to it, and I think I think you're gonna heal.
And and one more thing I will say too. Questions
(34:39):
are such a powerful thing. You're gonna hear me asking
questions to the participant family and you're gonna find yourself
answering those questions and it's gonna impact your life. So
just expose yourself to it, follow it, follow me on
social media. We'll be posting clips and I'll be doing
some cool things there. But help us spread this word
because we need Jaihill.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
All right, well, thank you for joining us. Its Elliott Connie.
It's the Breakfast Club. Good morning, Wake that ass up
in the morning.
Speaker 2 (35:06):
The Breakfast Club
Wake that ass up in the morning.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Breakfast Club Morning.
Speaker 3 (00:05):
Everybody is DJ Envy, Jess Hilarius, Charlamage the guy. We
are the Breakfast Club. We got a special guest in
the building because May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Ladies
and gentlemen, friends to the room. Of course, we have
Elliott Connie here.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Welcome, Welcome back. I should say thank you first.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
I'm feeling good. I'm feeling very good.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
First day of mental health aware in this month.
Speaker 4 (00:25):
Man, when when you hear people celebrate Mental Health Awareness Month,
when you see everybody posting their green ribbon, what do
you think people really should be getting out of Mental
Health Awareness Month?
Speaker 1 (00:35):
What I hope they should get out of Mental Health
Awareness Month is I mean, it's it's almost redundant, really,
but just an awareness that your mental health is important
as important as your physical health, your emotional health, your
your overall well being. And I hope it lasts longer
than a month. I hope that we can use this
month as an opportunity to allow people to focus on
(00:56):
their health, their mental health going forward.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Okay, now you got a new podcast, Family Therapy, Family Therapy,
and have a question. I was talking to my wife
the other day, right, and we were talking about our kids.
I have six kids, yep. And she was telling me
that three of my kids feared me, okay, right, three
of them didn't. The three that didn't, of course, is Logan,
who is the Diesel agnominious kid. But Logan the baby
(01:22):
Payton in Brooklyn, which is the youngest seven. The other
three said they fear dad at times.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Now.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
It was kind of concerning to me because I've never
beat them, never hit them, never popped them.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
I am stern.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
I always say I'm fair but firm. But it bothered
me why they were fearful. And they said the reason
that they were fearfule is because sometimes I raised my
voice when I asked him to do things. So, for instance,
my ten year old, my nine year old, excuse me.
His job in the house is to make sure refrigerator
is full with juice, water, sodas, whatever it may be.
That's his job. So when Dad comes home from a
(01:55):
weekend and wants a cold soda and there's no soda,
I'm like, this is your only job, and I might
get a loud it is what it is. My daughter's
job is to make a bed and to do the dishes.
If they're not done, I raise my voice a little bit.
But as family therapy have in a family, what is
your take on kids and fearing their dad, not fear
where they see me to dive under the bed, but
(02:16):
that little fearful thing.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Well, first of all, I think sometimes we confuse fear
and respect. So I think it's a good idea for
children to respect their father and their mother. In this
specific instance, I would ask you if your youngest child's
job is to make sure there's juice and soda and
things in the refrigerator, and you come home and there
is nothing cold to drink, and you're frustrated and you
(02:41):
get a little loud, My question for you would be,
when you come home and there is drinks and the
child has done their job, you get equally enthusiastic in
the praise of them. You're right, I don't, And if
you did, then that would create a balance and there
wouldn't necessarily be the fear because they wouldn't associate you
with the feedback of it has and worked. You have
(03:01):
to be equally enthusiastic in the praise as you are
in the criticism.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
So it's just what family therapy is all about. It.
Speaker 4 (03:08):
I listened to the first episode and I forgot the
couple's name, Jay and David.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Jay and David Yeah the football former NFL player.
Speaker 4 (03:16):
Yeah, so is just what it would be about questions
like and we just asked, Yeah. You know.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
The way that I do therapy, it's called solution focused
brief therapy. It's based on questions, and questions are very
very powerful things, and we don't we don't really think
about the questions that we ask ourselves. But questions are
real powerful and we can't help but change it. So
my job is to ask people the kinds of questions
(03:42):
that change the way they look at things, change the
way they view themselves, and change the way they react
in the world.
Speaker 3 (03:49):
You know, And the question I do ask. A lot
of times, we don't give positive and reinforcements because it's
it's what you should do, right. Yeah, But nobody ever says, Charlemane,
you were a good dad this weekend.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
He's supposed to be.
Speaker 4 (04:00):
That's not true. My kids could be positive it all
the time, and I love it.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
But that's what.
Speaker 4 (04:07):
I mean.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
My kids do that too, But nobody will say, Charlomane,
you took your kids out this weeknd. Oh you were
being a good day.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
I don't care about the outside validay, but we we.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Need to have more positive conversations. Like I remember as
a I was in like the third grade, literally the
third grade, and y'all remember when you're that young, you
get a grade for everything, right, Like your report card
has fifty thousand things on it. Yep. I was so
happy that I got. I got a's in like English, right,
I got like five or six a's whatever it was.
And I remember coming home and I'm like so pleased.
(04:36):
I'm gonna show my father like this report card, like
it's got all these a's on it. He's going to
love this. I showed him this report card and I
got a very kind of low response, and I was like,
aren't you gonna And he actually said to me, you're
supposed to get a's. And I remember thinking as a kid,
like then why try? Like as a third grade I
remember thinking, what's the point to put forth effort? Because
(04:59):
we need to have positive conversations if only to create
balance for the negative conversations, because the world makes us
talk about negative things, so we have to create effort
to talk about positive things.
Speaker 4 (05:11):
And what's crazy we act like as humans. We don't
already know that, right. Like everything we do every day,
you're looking for some type of positive reinforcement, whether you
whether you.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Say you are or not. That's why with social media
is the worst of that.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
If you're going to read comments about something that you did,
it's because you want positive reinformances.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
This is reading for you, yourn helf.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
The whole reason that we woke up today and all
of us did. We all did some grooming thing. You
chose an outfit. If you didn't care about positive you'd
roll out a bit, throw a T shirt and come
to work.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
That's right, right.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
The reason why we put forth effort in anything is
we want acceptance and we want positive validation and we
want feedback. And I'm promising you like your children want.
When your child does a good job and he's loaded
all the drinks in the refrigerator, he wants somebody to
come and tell him good job. And that's not weakness,
that's just the human condition.
Speaker 4 (06:02):
If humans didn't care, compliments and insults wouldn't exist with
not exist either one, not at all.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Now, what do you think about these students dealing with
everything that's going on with them? Having to think about
who's going to be the next president, and then some
of these students protesting on these campuses, how is that
affecting their mental health? Because I mean, as adults, we're
stressed out, so I know it has to be either,
you know, even worse on now.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Yeah, you know, I'm concerned for this generation of kids
because we're not designed to consume the level of data
that we are consuming, and these kids are consuming massive
amounts of information at a time when their brains can't
really handle it. So I'm concerned about what that's going
(06:46):
to do to their overall well being. To be very
honest with you, like we're seeing massive upticks and things
like anxiety and depression. It's directly attributable to what's going
on in the world. Having said that, I'm also very
encouraged to see these kids playing a role in what
their future will look like. I think I think politicians
should be more responsive to society, and what I see
(07:10):
these kids doing is letting the world know what they
want to have happened in their life. Sure, and I
hope that politicians listen and pay attention because these young
people are going to be the ones voting for the
next however many years, and I think this generation is
more kind of interactive in the world they want to create.
I think this generation is more like contributing to the
(07:33):
world they want to live in. And I think that's
a beautiful thing actually, and I think I hope politicians
pay attention to it. They won't be re elected.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
You know, when it comes to family therapy, what is
family therapy to Elliot Kane.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Hmm man, that's a good question. I think family therapy.
It's hard for me at this point in my career.
It's hard for me to differentiate family therapy versus any
other kind of therapy because family therapy is really therapy
that impacts the system. And I think we often think
family therapy is when the system comes to therapy, But
I don't really think about it that way anymore, because
(08:07):
I think anything any kind of therapy I do impact
this system. And we all know this. If you have
a super great day and you go home, that's going
to reverberate through the household. If one of your children
goes to school and has a super bad day, that's
going to reverberate through the household. So if one member
of a family comes to therapy, and that healing does
(08:28):
something in the family, then that's systemic. I remember working
with a client one time and this kid was probably
thirteen years old, and these are the kind of things
that molded my view of humans. Change therapy and family
therapy really. But this thirteen year old, I asked him
what he wanted to achieve. When I do therapy, I
always ask people what are their best hopes from talking
(08:50):
with me, which is my way of saying, how do
you want this to make a difference in your life?
And this thirteen year old said, I don't think you can.
And I said how so? And he explained to me
that his father drank a lot. And he said, there's
really nothing you can talk to me about. It's going
to help my father stop drinking. And I said, that's true.
So let's imagine your father continues drinking like he never stops.
(09:12):
He just continues drinks throughout your childhood, but you develop
the ability to achieve your greatness in spite of your
father's drinking. What kind of greatness do you want to achieve?
This kid tells me, let's go to college, and tells
me the career who wants to have and we start
having this discussion about his future, which, by the way,
is really important because your future should not be singularly
determinate based upon somebody else's behavior, even your parents. And
(09:32):
this thirteen year old starts telling me about this future
who wants to have the end of the first session,
he's like, man, this was really cool, Like, I'm glad
I got to talk to you about this. He comes
back to another session. I said, what's been better? And
he said, you know what, my father's still drinking, but
I'm doing better in school because I'm realizing that my
future is my future, not really, I don't have to
wait for my father to heal in order for me
(09:53):
to grow great. So we have probably two or three sessions,
and I don't see that kid anymore. The mom tells
me kids doing better. I don't hear from that kid whatsoever.
About six months later, the father comes to therapy and
I said, what are your best hope? Form are talking?
And father said, my son is doing better and I
need to figure out how to not ruin it. Wow,
And that father ended up getting sober. Now how does
(10:16):
that happen? Because you, like, we participate in whatever is
going on in the family. So if that is something positive,
then the family has a tendency to get on board
with that. If that is something negative, then the family
has a tendency to get on board with that. So,
prior to me meeting that child, the dad's drinking was
creating a negative environment and producing negative outcomes. The kid's
grades were suffering so on its own. But once the
(10:37):
kids started getting better, then the family gets on board
with that, and that father ended up getting clean. So
when the child initially said, do you don't think I
don't think you can help me with the thing that
I want to achieve, I knew he was wrong. Of
course we can. You are a very powerful force in
your family. So if you go home and you start
doing positive things and you start changing your life, then
the father has to kind of look at himself in
(10:57):
a different way. And for me, that's what family thinks.
It's having an impact on how a family system functions,
it's having impact on future generations within a family. It's
having an impact on healing generational traumas. To me, that's
what family therapy is. It doesn't really matter whether there's
one person there or whole family system shows up.
Speaker 3 (11:18):
I think I ask you this question every time you
come about society and society being a lot softer than
when we were kids. Is that changing at all? Because
I think a lot of times people they don't go
through the problems that they necessarily have because it's easy
to be like, I'm having a mental problem, I need
a mental break instead of dealing with the situations. How
(11:40):
do you think this.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Helps the youth.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
Grow up when it comes to dealing with problems, dealing
with things, and dealing with just life in general.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yeah, you know, I don't know if this generation is softer.
I know that's a common thing that we say. I
think this generation is more sensitive, and I think this
generation has more resources and in available to them that
we did not have. Like I tell people all the time,
I took a lot of beatings and abuse simply because
I didn't know there was a whole organization designed to
(12:11):
protect me called child Protective Services. I had no idea
that that was a thing when I was ten years old.
Your parents exactly these days kids know that. But I
think the further thing to your question that I think
is really important is I do think we have to
face challenges. I do think that we learn a lot
from overcoming challenges. I think we learn a lot from
overcoming obstacles that we didn't think we could overcome. Human
(12:35):
beings are animals in pursuit of comfort, so it's very
easy to be challenged and then think, ooh, I'm going
to take a day off from school or a day
off from work. I need to rest day, I need
a mental health break, when really what they need is
to face that challenge head on and to overcome it.
And I think we should encourage kids to do that
and remind them that you are capable of achieving things
(12:57):
even when you didn't think you could.
Speaker 4 (12:58):
You know what's interest than about what and be said,
you know the illusion that you grow up to be
an adult with no issues. I don't know anybody from
our era who don't have issues. Like just like all
of that, those beatings or whatever, it didn't it did.
It didn't make us tougher. We didn't grow up in
life and not know how to be able to deal
(13:19):
with our issues better.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Everybody's fragile. I got no forty plus year old people
right now that are fragile.
Speaker 4 (13:25):
Y know they are Instagram crying, they're in interviews crying
like they are.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
You can look at them and tell that they need
some real work done. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
I that's why I don't. I understand what the env
you're saying, understand what you're saying fully, but I don't.
I don't know that it's softer. I think to live
is to struggle, and I don't know anybody that doesn't
have anything to heal from.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
I think we suppressed more.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
I agree.
Speaker 4 (13:48):
I think these kids they just express it like they
have no and they have the language for it.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
They know what they're dealing with and they know what
they're going through.
Speaker 4 (13:55):
That's why I hate when people say things like therapy
is a trend now or talking about our mental health
issues is a fad.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
No.
Speaker 4 (14:02):
I feel like there's a generation that just feels open
about talking about.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
These issues right, which I think is a good thing.
Absolutely to your point, Charlotte Mane, like I've had in
the past, I would say five maybe seven years, I've
had more therapy initiated by a child in the family
than ever before that. Like I've had people say, my
child saw one of your videos, my child saw you
(14:25):
lecture at the local school, my child saw you in
somewhere and wanted me to contact you for therapy. We
wouldn't have done that as kids like that wasn't something
we would have done in our generation. And I think
this generation is just more expectant of having these things
addressed as they should be.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
You know what I thought it?
Speaker 3 (14:42):
It was like I was thinking, sorry to cut you off,
like one of the students.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
We were at clock University, right, and.
Speaker 3 (14:48):
It's finals week, right, and we've all been through finals. Yeah,
we all been through final week and how difficult that
is to prepare it to study and it's a semesters
full of work, right, Yeah, but we all know that
we have to study and we have to get to it.
We have to take those tests. Yes, I've seen the
students say it's too hard for me. I need a
mental break. This is too difficult. I need to take
a week off. Now when you get to that level,
(15:10):
is it do they really need a mental break or
is it still overwhelming? Because it's the same issues in
the same studying that we've been doing that my I've
been doing, your parent's been doing, my parents been doing.
So why is it now that it's too much?
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Because we've been doing it.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
And even if we if we fail or we pass,
if we get an A, A B or a C. Like,
we still do what we gotta do, what we try
out our hardest, but I feel like sometimes it takes
kids away from trying their hardest.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
But I don't. First of all, I agree with you.
I think if kids look at how hard it is,
it takes away from them being able to try their hardest.
But I also think we somehow romanticize the past because
I remember taking finals and I remember kids saying I
need a week off, I need a mental health break.
I remember that we just didn't really give it any attention.
Because there's equal amount of kids saying they just got
(15:55):
to get through this, and I'm sure that's true today
there are kids that are just like, I got to
get through this, and then there are other kids saying
I need a week off because it's stressful for them.
It's anxiety provoking for them. That's life. But that's life,
and it was life in nineteen ninety five when I
went to college taking these tests, and it's life in
twenty twenty four for these kids now.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
And some of.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
These kids like this might be too much for them,
as it was for some of the kids I went
to college.
Speaker 4 (16:19):
It was too much for us. But I didn't go
to college. But life is too much for people. Why
are we acting like that. These kids are going through
anything that we didn't go through, and we didn't come
out of it clean.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
We're crazy, Actually, we're crazy.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
I actually think life is way harder now because we
had to go through all of that without social media. Yes,
I think life is way harder because I had no
idea whatsoever about what was going on politically. I did
not understand international war. I didn't understand any of that.
And these kids right now are very aware.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Yeah, my dad told topic.
Speaker 4 (16:53):
My dad told me in twenty eighteen. You know when
I started I start talking about my issues around twenty sixteen,
book came out shook when he told me that he
tried to kill himself thirty plus years ago. He's been
on ten to twelve different medications for his mental health.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, he was going to a therapist three and four
times a week.
Speaker 4 (17:11):
You know how many stories I started hearing like that
once I started having conversations. So this whole notion that
we just went through everything in the eighties and nineties
like it was nothing, lie.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
It's not accurate the past. Yes, and I think times
were hard times are always hard, it's actually harder now
because social media is real. Social media is a thing,
and these kids' anxieties are through the roof. And that's
not weakness. We're actually introducing more to their brains than
they can handle. I don't know how I would have
(17:43):
studied for my finals if I also had to worry
about a war. There are multiple wars going on right now. Actually,
but if I had to worry about all that stuff,
it's too much. It's literally too much.
Speaker 4 (17:52):
What do people do to protect their minds, their mental
against social media? Because I always say it's a lack
of emotional iq for people to care so much about
what other folks think about them. Am I accurate? Am
I wrown?
Speaker 2 (18:05):
No?
Speaker 1 (18:05):
I think that's pretty accurate. I think what people should do.
But I really want to say, get off of it, right,
But I think it's too late, Like it's too late.
The easiest thing is to remember that that's not real life.
I think we have to train our children to understand
that that is not real. That does not matter. That's
monopoly money, essentially, like what's going on in social media.
(18:27):
It doesn't matter. It's not it's not really real. It's
not really important, and when kids realize that, they tend
to do way better.
Speaker 4 (18:34):
It's not just kids though, it's adult I'm watching some
really intelligent people, people that I know are some of
the most well read, book smart individuals who care more
about their relationships online than they do it their their
relationships offline.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
I think that's true. But I was focusing on kids
because that we were talking about. But everybody, like, we
need to remember that, like that world is just not real.
What's real is your friendships, your connections, the people you
talk to, your family, your loved ones, Like that's what's real.
How many likes and followers you have? Like that is irrelevant.
Data that is not That is not real. But people
(19:10):
get caught up in it.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
But I also tell I tell my kids and I
tell my friends. Use social media as a tool.
Speaker 2 (19:16):
That's exactly what it is.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Not Not as an educational piece, not as a friend,
not as something where you're looking for approval. Use it
as a tool. Like my daughter does, she just graduated
from myu IS. She does she works with her hand
and she does real estate. I said, you use it
to do your real estate. That's exactly what you use
it as a tool. My other daughters do dance. You
do it for that, you do it for tool. But
most people don't say it, And like Seanamay said, they
(19:38):
look for acceptance from people that are not going to
give them the acceptance that they're looking and they try
try again until we see them self.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Distruct That's true. I absolutely think it is a tool.
That is all. Social media is a tool. Where we've
gotten into trouble is social media has turned the world
into like that high school popularity context correct And I
remember being in high scho school and you know, you're
upset because the girl you like doesn't like you back,
or you're not sitting at the cool kid table at
(20:05):
the cafeteria whatever, and the adults would say, you know,
in a few years, it's angle matter because it's isn't real,
And they're right, that's one hundred percent truth. There are people, adults, celebrities,
like I've seen people all over the world like they
just get too wrapped up in what social media is
saying about them because we've allowed it to become like
the world's cafeteria. But if you use it as a
(20:25):
tool and if you remember like this is not real,
you tend to have much healthier lives about that.
Speaker 4 (20:29):
Stuff, and how can a bunch of stranges tell you
about you? And more importantly, how can a bunch of
strangers tell you about somebody you actually know. Imagine if
I interact with a person every day in real life,
but on social media, it's a whole other narrative about
this individual. Yeah, who am I supposed to believe my
real life experiences are these books on social media?
Speaker 2 (20:49):
I don't even know you.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
These people on social media, they don't know you. They're
just spitting out whatever they heard. I just think it's
crazy that we've allowed this to happen, and we have
to remember or it's just not real and personal relationships
still in fact matter. I have friends in the entertainment
industry and I see stories about them that I know
not to be true. There have been times that I've
been hanging out with people like Tiffany Has and I'll
(21:12):
see stories about her and like, I know that's not true.
I was there with her that particular night, And to
your point, like, I'm not listening to that story, Like
I'm gonna believe my own real relationship and interaction with
this person. And I think too often we let social
media determine and define what our experiences are and it's
just not real.
Speaker 4 (21:28):
As a therapist, is social media the number one thing
you see affecting people's mental.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
I think.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
I think social media is absolutely, especially in the younger generation,
is the number one thing contributing to a mental health
crisis in this in this society. Wow, for sure.
Speaker 4 (21:47):
And the only the only explanation, I mean only uh uh.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
I guess cure for it is to just get off.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
I would love to say that, but they're not going
to get off. The only cure for it is to
realize it's artificial, it is not really, it does not matter,
and the reason why we have to be limited with it. Again,
your brain is influenced by the data it receives. So
if I envy hell to all of you six ft
six foot, this is how susceptible your brain is the
(22:16):
information If every now he knows he's six foot I
asked him, and in a second he was like, this
is the answer. If I train everyone in your life
to start calling you five foot ten, eventually he's going
to be like, you know, maybe I'm five foot ten.
Everybody's saying it gets them five foot ten, Like that's
how susceptible your brain is. So imagine if you are
(22:39):
on social media and everybody's saying such and such about you,
whether you know it to be true or not, becomes
irrelevant because the onslaught of data influences the way your
brain thinks. And the only way to combat that is
to stay off of it. You know, I have a team.
I run a large therapy training organization, and we post
a lot of content on social media, and not all
(23:01):
the comments are kind, not all the comments are useful,
and every now and then and I get a notification
on everybody comments, I get an invocation on my phone,
and if I say anything to my team, they all
say stayhead of those comments because they're trying to protect
my mental health because they know if you see that
stuff constantly and onslaught of it, your brain accepts it.
(23:21):
So we have to limit that stuff. And what did
I do to limit is I just don't look at
the comments.
Speaker 4 (23:25):
So a question like, let's say you're on social media
and it's it's a bunch of positive comments, right like literally,
it might be ten to fifteen positive comments and then
there's just one negative comment. Why are our brains wired
to focus on that negative comment.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Well, it's a survival really, like we we are very
good at determining threat that's that's what human brains are
designed to do, and a negative comment is associated with threats.
We're much better at holding on to a negative comment
because we perceive that as a threat, and that keeps
us safe. We have to work against that and actually
(24:01):
give weight to the compliment because it's actually true. Like
if a hundred people tell you you're the greatest, or
one hundred people tell you you're the greatest, and then
one person says you're the worst, we have a tendency
to hold on to that, and we have to counter
that by realizing we're no longer in a survival situation.
We can actually enjoy the loving comment that we've gotten.
We can actually give weight to that loving comment just
(24:21):
as much, and that improves your mental health. That makes
life better.
Speaker 3 (24:25):
I was going to ask, when you're dealing with people
that's been on social media, how do you Because most
people are not going to get on social media no more,
they're not, you can say, hey, get on social media.
Even to myself, like I do limit the amount of
time that I own. I don't look at comments. There's
certain things that I don't do because I'm getting to
the point where I don't care, right, And I think
(24:45):
that's one of those things where you've been beat up
so much you just don't care. So how do you
explain that to people, especially celebrities who they live off
of this and sometimes they might change who they are
based off of a comment. They might change their inside
based of a comment. They might change through their living
is based off of a comet. So how do you
talk to kids, adults, and celebrities about.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
That by explaining to them the goal should be happiness.
And I don't know anybody, literally, anybody that spends a
lot of time caring about what people think about them
that are happy. So if the goal is happiness, then
the pathway becomes very very clear. We know what we
need to do to be happy. I don't have to
actually tell them what to do. I just have to
ask them, what is your goal that you're trying to achieve.
(25:27):
I'm trying to achieve happiness. You tell me what you
need to start doing differently in order for you to achieve. Like,
we know we shouldn't be drinking, we know that we
shouldn't be out late at night. We know we shouldn't
be using drugs. We know we shouldn't be on social
media extreme amounts of time. And when I say, like,
what do you need to do in order to achieve happiness?
(25:47):
They tell me I probably need to stay out of
the comments because I've noticed when I'm in the comments
more i'm happy, I'm less happy. I notice when I'm
out drinking, I'm less happy. I notice when I'm out
super duper late a night at the club, I'm less happy.
So what do you need to do? They always say
the exact same thing. More time with family, more time
with my partner, more time in the gym, more time
(26:09):
doing healthy things. I don't know anybody who spends time
doing those things and isn't happier or at least a
happier version of themselves. But we just waste our time
doing these other things, mostly because vanity is real, Like
vanity is really really real, and people want those vanity metrics.
I want my followers up, I want people interacting, But
what you should want is happiness.
Speaker 4 (26:32):
That's why meditation is so important, That's why time with
yourself is so important, because you really got to be
aware of the energy your body is feeling like there's
certain people, certain circumstances, certain things that you can automatically
make your energy feel love. And then there's certain people,
certain things, certain circumstances that make your energy automatically go down.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
So which one should you stay away?
Speaker 4 (26:56):
But you can't under you won't understand that if you're
not really into une with your your emotional and mental
well being.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
That's absolutely true. Like the there's so much I want
to say about the podcast about the podcast Family Therapy,
and I can't really because you gotta watch it, experience,
you gotta listen to it. But the big lesson that
I hope people get is the woman focus on this
(27:23):
podcast is one of the most incredible, inspiring, well achieved
women that you could possibly meet. But when she looked
in the mirror, that's not what she saw. And when
you spend time with yourself and when you meditate and
when you fully assess, we have a tendency to assess
ourselves and only be aware of the negative things. And
I think sometimes therapy is enforced that because you got
(27:45):
to figure out what's wrong with you and fix it.
But what if, at least in part I would actually
go farther, but at least in part, what if we
have to figure out what's great about us and own
that too? And throughout this you're gonna see You're going
to see how that impacts people. And I hope if
I could make one contribution to society, I hope I
(28:05):
would be helping people to see their greatness within themselves,
because I just don't think we spend enough time doing that.
I don't think we spend enough time celebrating ourselves. I
don't think we spend enough time looking in our history
realizing that I'm kind of awesome. I got through that.
I overcame that, I achieved that. We spend a lot
of time saying I should have been like social media right,
(28:28):
I thought it'd be a millionaire by thirty or I
thought I have one hundred thousand subscribers by this data,
and we really need to just change the way we
think about everything. We need to look back and have
a positive assessment of ourselves.
Speaker 3 (28:39):
You're right, And you know one thing, my big headed
coho said to me that he don't think I'd be listening,
but I'd be listening. One thing he said that I
finally got a couple of years ago, and people hate
me for it, but I don't care. It's being comfortable,
right sometimes I'm not gonna say sometimes, but before I
would make myself uncomfortable, or I would be uncomfortable because
(29:01):
of other reasons. Right, and now I'm in a position
and I think everybody should be this way if they can,
just to be happier in life. Meaning if something doesn't
make you comfortable, mesic, if you're going somewhere, or somebody
in your house or somebody around you, change it because
it makes you happier. Right, Because a lot of times
we get to the feeling of somebody apologizes and you
(29:22):
forgive them, and still you just don't want them around you.
I forgive you, but I just don't want you in
my vicinity. I just don't want to be there. If
I don't want to go to this function, I'm not
going to the function, and I don't care who thinks
anywhere around me, because I realized that that makes me
happier in life.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
Right.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
I used to throw it. I think my big head
co host was an asshole. He'd be like, I ain't
going because I just don't want to go. I'd be like,
I'd be like Charlamage's being Charlomagne. But then when you realize, nah,
he's protecting his mental because he don't want to deal
with them people.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Correct, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (29:52):
And I know this.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
Once I started doing that, life is even better like
it is what it is.
Speaker 4 (29:57):
That's why he loves going to get profect exams A
lot makes me he likes that. Right, You've got a
few of them, you too. I'm gonna be here for
this one. No, but I think that's absolutely true. When
you protect your own piece, and if somebody invites you
to do something and you know that would interrupt my piece,
(30:18):
that's right. You don't have to go.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
The only reason we go is because I don't want
them to think this. No, no, no, you need to
prioritize yourself. We need to do that much more often,
and I don't think we do very often as a
as a collective. You know, we do a lot of
things because we want other people to think, you know this,
that or whatever.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
You too much explain it of why. But it could
be because I don't.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Want to, or just no, no, I don't want to,
the best thing I can do tonight is spend time
with myself. So I'm not going to go to the
thing that you've invited me to, whatever it is.
Speaker 4 (30:48):
I wanted to ask you too about you know, you
recently did work with Fredo Bang.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (30:53):
You you were on fred Bang's y'all did a therapy session.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
We did. We did a session that he's going to
use for the release of his newest album and for
the song Yes I'm Sad.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
Yeah, I think it was a deluxe album. Yeah, yeah,
what was that?
Speaker 1 (31:06):
Like? Man? That was incredible? Man, shark man, It's hard
to even put into words. First of all, have a
tremendous amount of respect for him. Uh in a very
short amount of time getting to know him. He's been
through a lot, Like he has been through a whole,
whole lot, and in just the decision to want to
(31:28):
address that and to have a conversation with a therapist,
in my opinion, is a profound decision. But to expose
his audience to that because he wants to spread healing,
that is that was an incredible thing to be a
part of. And for me, like at this stage of
my career, like I want to make healing go viral,
(31:50):
you know, I want to make healing and I mean
true healing. I'm not talking about talking about it or
you know, fixing what's wrong with you. I mean, like
to your point earlier, I don't know anybody who's been
a live longer than ten minutes that doesn't have something
to heal from. And when I look at social media,
you know, you see someone with a super positive mental
(32:11):
health message and they get this many views, and someone
doing a food review of a cheeseburger stand gets this
many views, and that's fine. Like I'm not hating on them,
like you know, have your success, but I want the
world to be equally interested in mental health and healing.
And for someone like Fredo, with his positionality in the
culture to prioritize that, I think that that's massive. I
(32:34):
think that that that's the kind of thing that will
have a rippling impact and will likely save people's lives.
Like someone's life. I can guarantee you someone's life will
be saved because they look up to Fredo and they
recognize him as a as who he is in the culture.
And if he thinks therapy and mental health is important,
then someone somewhere in Baton Rouge, Louisiana or wherever, is
(32:57):
going to think mental health is important and they're going
to seek therapy too because Fredro made it cool. So
to be a part of that moment was It's hard
to put into words how appreciative I am for that
and how much that means to me. It's a very
very big deal, I think.
Speaker 4 (33:14):
And make sure y'all subscribe and download Elliot Khanyi's podcast
Family Therapy with Elliott Kanie. You know, the day is
the first day of Mental Health Awareness Month. Man, So
if you're looking for a new mental health awareness podcast,
a new mindfulness podcast to add to your rotation, Elliot
Kanye Family Therapy is the one.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
And if they want to participate, what can they do? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Look, so follow me on social media at Elliott Speaks,
spell my name with two l's and two teas at
Elliott Speaks and leave a comment, leave a rating like
really help us reach more people, Like I tell people
I really do want mental health and healing to go
viral and have a moment and impact lives, and I
can't do that without help. So if you want to participate,
(33:56):
listen to the podcast downloaded on i Heart radio app,
the Black Effect Podcast Network website, wherever you listen to
podcasts iTunes, Spotify wherever you listen to podcasts and join
the conversation, like and when you listen, this is like,
how do I describe it? It's like this epic reality show.
(34:17):
There are multiple characters within this first family that we're
doing this with. Andna, you're gonna really resonate with David
or Jay or Jay's father who's a part of the process,
whose name is Freddie. Just just allow yourself to have
access to it, and I think I think you're gonna heal.
And and one more thing I will say too. Questions
(34:39):
are such a powerful thing. You're gonna hear me asking
questions to the participant family and you're gonna find yourself
answering those questions and it's gonna impact your life. So
just expose yourself to it, follow it, follow me on
social media. We'll be posting clips and I'll be doing
some cool things there. But help us spread this word
because we need Jaihill.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
All right, well, thank you for joining us. Its Elliott Connie.
It's the Breakfast Club. Good morning, Wake that ass up
in the morning.
Speaker 2 (35:06):
The Breakfast Club
The Breakfast Club News
Hosts And Creators
Charlamagne Tha God
DJ Envy
Jess Hilarious
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
New Heights with Jason & Travis Kelce
Football’s funniest family duo — Jason Kelce of the Philadelphia Eagles and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs — team up to provide next-level access to life in the league as it unfolds. The two brothers and Super Bowl champions drop weekly insights about the weekly slate of games and share their INSIDE perspectives on trending NFL news and sports headlines. They also endlessly rag on each other as brothers do, chat the latest in pop culture and welcome some very popular and well-known friends to chat with them. Check out new episodes every Wednesday. Follow New Heights on the Wondery App, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to new episodes early and ad-free, and get exclusive content on Wondery+. Join Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And join our new membership for a unique fan experience by going to the New Heights YouTube channel now!
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.