Episode Transcript
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Welcome to the We Don't Podcast,starring husband and wife Mojo from Mojo in
the Morning and his better half Chelseaon this episode. On this episode of
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the We Don't Podcast, we haven'thad one of these in a while.
No, we took some time off. We're actually going to talk about relationships
and who is your relationship really forlet's begin this podcast now, are you
sure you want to do a podcastright now? Let's take maybe one more
week off. Well all right,all right, all right, without further
delay, here are Mojo and Chelsea. All right, Chelle. So we
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took some time off and we hadsome fun stuff happen during that last couple
of weeks. We got to spendtime with family, which was nice.
I got to see my brothers andsisters. You got to spend time with
Jacob, which we haven't seen Jacobin a little bit, which was fun.
And we saw Joe too, whichwas just nice. Yeah. So
the two boys who are not livingwith us, and then of course Luke's
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not living with us. You know, he loves with us, but he
works and he has a girlfriend he'swith all the time. Yeah, and
it's interesting because having had this timeto be able to kind of take off
from work, but also then spendtime with our boys. We got some
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interesting news. Our son, Joecame and told both of us that he
was preparing for an engagement. Yes, he was going to go buy a
ring. So he hasn't said whenhe's going to do have the engagement yet,
and he doesn't even know yet whathe's doing. He said it could
be anywhere from now until December,so I don't even think he really knows.
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I don't think he's going to waitthat long. I really think he
doesn't know. I don't think hereally knows. I don't because he threw
out a ton of ideas to me, like how he wanted to do it,
and I'm not going to go intothat because I'm not ruining anything.
Yeah, So it's because you alreadythought that I ruined it by talking about
how Joe asked me about it.No, I don't think you ruined it.
I think that you skewed it alittle bit differently than what it was.
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And I think that and for thosethat didn't hear it, I brought
up on the air the conversation thatI had with Joe where he pulled me
aside and you know, while wewere golfing together and said, Dad,
there's something I want to tell you. I am going to start looking for
engagement rings with Alyssa, his girlfriendof three years now. Correct. And
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it was a very emotional experience becauseyou know, it's a big moment in
our lives and for sure, butI think what it was to listen,
she knows the ring that she wants. They spent one day in the store
for a couple of hours because sheknows exactly the ring that she wanted,
and so it was more or lessI think it wasn't Joe saying, hey,
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we're going to look for rings.She knew what she wanted. It
was more or less, hey,I'm going to buy a ring, and
I wanted to let us know aheadof time. Yeah, he just wanted
to let us know that he wasgoing to buy a ring. What happened
was people assumed he was getting engagedright now, and that turned into your
sister calling like a lot of peoplecalling me and saying, oh my god,
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Joe's getting engaged. No, Joeis not getting engaged yet. He
is going to for sure, Ohyeah, everybody automatically. I thought it
was also how it was posted toon our social media because well, and
you were crying, and well,the way I talked about it was,
you know, I wasn't and thatwas emotional when Joe had come to me
because and I know, I'm not, you know Melyssa's father, so it's
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not like he's coming to me toask me for my permission or anything like
that. But he was coming tome in kind of a fatherly way to
say, hey, this is somethingthat I want to do. And I
think he was also looking for reassurrement, from reassurance, reassuring, whatever the
word would be. He was layinghe definitely doesn't turn to me for grammar,
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no, but he was looking for, you know me saying you know,
you know that I'm proud of him, and I am very very proud
of him, and I wanted togive him some advice too, because you
know, I think Joe, Jacoband Luke have it very hard. How
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is that we got married way young, and we have been married for a
long time, and we've been veryopen about our marriage. So I think
it is it's a good thing anda bad thing for them, because I
don't know, I don't think Iever turned to my dad for marital advice.
Ever, did you ever turn toyour parents for marital advice? That's
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but you also weren't close to yourdad. I think that when your mom
died, not I think, butI know when your mom died, there
was kind of a divide that happenedin your family when he remarried, and
so you flocked more to your sistersthan you did to your dad. I
think when I came to you whenI got married and had kids, it
kind of repaired that bridge with yourdad a little bit because we had babies
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and when we would visit Chicago,we would go to your dad's and so
that's when you But I don't remembercalling my dad ever and saying, hey,
Dad, I'm thinking about getting engaged. I probably said something well again,
I think, but I think that'sbecause your relationship with your dad was
fractured when your dad remarried, andit put a wedge. It drove a
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wedge in between your dad and thesixth of you, and that was never
ever addressed, nor was it reallyrepaired. It kind of a band aid
was put on it when everyone startedhaving kids, and then it was like,
you know, Tracy would take thegirls to go see Grandpa, and
we would take the boys to gosee Grandpa, and Tony and Julie took
the kids to go see granp.Like, I think it was never really
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addressed of hey, what happened withthat in our family at that time was
really shitty and we should address thatand try to repair that. It was
just more or less, you know, we're not going to address it,
and oh my gosh, now there'sa new generation. And let's because I
never knew the extent of hurt thathappened until I was in your family and
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saw the extent of hurt that tookplace when you're because I wasn't you know,
in your family when your mom diedand then when your dad remarried.
When I came into the picture,your dad had been remarried to Sue for
a long time, and there werelike it, well, not a long
time. It was well anyway,because they got married when you were sixteen.
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Yeah, you and I met Iwas eight twenty one, and then
I met them about a year later. But anyway, as far as I
knew, yes, your mother haddied and it was a horrible experience,
but I thought your family had gotgoss it. I did not know the
extent of what you know, ofall of that, of all the hurt
that went with it, And soI think that when we had the boys,
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it was, you know, justa lot to like I said,
it was more or less just puttinga band aid on it and pushing that
hurt aside and never really I don'tthink you ever really dealt with it with
your dad, and so I don'tthink that you and your dad had the
kind of relationship that you and Joeand the boys have. Yeah, it's
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weird because I'm thinking about this andI don't know if maybe there's something to
this, but like I know thatwhen I did meet you and you were
in my life, I remember callingmy dad to tell him about you,
and then I think that the firsttime that my dad had ever because we
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didn't have FaceTime or anything like thator zoom. But I think the first
time that my dad saw you wason a visit when we went to Chicago,
when he came to Tuson. Oh, that's right, he came to
visit us in Tucson. Yeah,he came to visit you in Tucson,
and yeah, that's when we met. And it's weird because I think that
it's so different now as parents withour kids dating, because all three of
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them are in relationships right now.And I remember meeting your parents for the
first time, and I don't knowwhat it is, but I remember when
I met your mom and dad,I was definitely not acting like I was
me. I was trying to bethe best part of me, sure,
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And honestly, I don't think Iwas even being me. I think I
was trying to be the best partof what I thought your dad would like
of me. And it's wild becauseI think that in all of the kids,
our kids' relationships, their significant othersare definitely a lot more themselves than
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you and I were when you metmy dad and he visited Tucson, and
I met your parents for the firsttime visiting their house. I don't know,
is that crazy to say that orwhat do you think? No?
I think definitely maybe putting that bestfoot forward, or being I don't want
to say putting the bestoot forward,but maybe, yeah, trying to be
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someone that you're not to impress people, to impress parents. I don't think
that happens with this generation at all. I think it's you know, it's
just a lot different with this generation. I think. I don't think that
they feel they have to impress peopleimpressed parents. Maybe, yeah, I
don't know. It's interesting because Iremember meeting your dad for the very first
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time, and you and I actuallyhad this conversation like you had said something
to me to this extent up becauseyour dad was really mad at you for
dating me, and you had said, if my dad doesn't wait, think
more than mad. He was hurtthough, too, because and scared because
I was his little girl, andI was young. I was seventeen when
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I met you, and then eighteenwhen they finally met you. And so
I think it was more or lessyou as a par And I get it.
I get it now. I didn'tthen, but I good lord,
I get it now, like thisis your prize possession. There is nothing
more important to me in this wholeworld than the three humans that you know
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I gave birth to. So Iget it. I am one of my
dad's prize possessions. And you know, here you are this radio DJ who
he really didn't know, and heeven said he should have given you a
bigger chance than he did. Butat the beginning, I think you know,
you're just you want to protect yourkids, and you know, quite
honestly, I've talked to a lotof parents, a lot of my friends
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who are parents, and they allsay, it doesn't matter who the person
is, there is no at theend of the day. You feel like
even the most perfect person is stillnot good enough for your kid at the
end of the day. And Iget that sometimes, like I get it
not because and it's not because ofwho that person is and they're just never
good enough, but it's because whoyou are as a parent, and you
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look at your child and you know, for those listeners who have younger kids
who are just like, oh,you just need to give a chance,
you know you need to give ita chance, you need to let it
go. You don't get it untilyou're in those shoes, because I did
not get it until our kids startedseriously dating other people and you're just like,
are they good enough? I don'tknow, can you do better?
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And then sometimes you'll get your kidsand you're like, you need to be
better for that person you need soit's not always just the other person but
I And then you put your ownspin on it from what my life and
what our life has been. Inever in a million years if our kids
came to us at the age thatwe were, would I encourage nor would
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I say, go ahead, goget married? Like and I get it,
our parents didn't have a say init at that point because we both
were adults and we got married.But I think I would have encouraged living
together, Like if I was mymom and dad, I would have encouraged
more so living together than us gettingmarried. Don't you think though that your
parents, which they never would have, your parents' opposition of you and I
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being together without being married. Don'tyou think though that that made us get
married sooner? Well, yeah,that's for sure, and it probably was.
It probably Listen, we're still together, thank god, But it also
could have really backfired. Oh forsure and been and been you know,
a bad But you did make acomment. I remember where you were,
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like, if my day doesn't comearound, you know, then I'll just
have to make a decision at thatpoint, I'm going wait a second,
I don't think that you. Iwould never want you to ever make a
decision that you don't want to bein a relationship with your dad. If
your dad didn't like me, well, I wouldn't have chosen you over my
dad. I think you're kind ofsaying that though back then, No,
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I don't think I would have.I think that you really liked me.
Well, of course I did,but I never would have the dad would
have said it's either him or me. You would have chosen my dad your
dad, Yeah, a million percent. But I all say that now,
but I don't think in the momentyou were like that. Okay, Well,
here's a thing that really drives mecrazy about you. Sometimes. Go
ahead, is you like to tellme what I would have done or how
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I feel, And I'm telling youhow I would have chosen my family.
But I always but I am theperson who likes to make my parents proud
and I like to make sure,and quite honestly, that's a reason why
we are still married as well,and why I never would file for worse
because I knew my parents would beso upset if I got divorced, and
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so I would. I always seekto make my parents proud of my choices,
of who I am of and soif my dad, you don't have
to believe it, but I'm tellingyou it's true, and my truth is
my truth. If my dad cameto me when we were younger and said,
I will not speak to you againor I will be out of your
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life if you stay with him,then I would have broken up with you.
That never happened. After a coupleof weeks, my dad sat down
with you and my brother Tony kindof didn't. Well, but that's you
and that's your situation. I'm tellingI'm telling you mine and mine situation if
and what Tony did was he justasked us to wait. He didn't say
don't be with her. Tony ismy oldest brother, he's my godfather.
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He he did something that my dadnever did, and that was looking back
on it, I was really upset. But he he fathered like he gave
me wrote letter. He wrote youa letter. I wrote his letter,
which we still have. His lettersaid that marriage is very difficult. It's
a tough thing for you to doat any age, let alone the pages
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that we were and he just saidthat he wished that we would wait.
And it was weird because that couldhave really put a well. The timing
of it was hard to because itwas right when we were going to get
married. Yeah, so it wasn'tlike when we first got engaged. It
was when right before we were supposedto get married, So it was a
little bit more like, well,here we are at this point. And
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I understand it too. I understandhis reservation. It wasn't a personal attack
against me and saying I'm not theone and you shouldn't marry her. It
was just you, guys should wait. And I get that. I get
that as a parent, I reallyreally am. It took so many years
later for us to get that becauseat the time you feel like it's you
feel like it is doubting us,But it's not really doubting us. It's
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saying, this is going to bea very difficult thing for you guys.
Well, and that's one thing thatyou and I both shared with Joe when
he told us that he wanted togo ring shopping. You know, I
and you and I both said,are you sure that she's the one?
You know number one? Because Ithink you get wrapped up even though they've
been together for three years, youget wrapped up in the whole. You
know a lot of her friends,all of her friends are married now they're
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starting to have babies, so it'salmost like putting a pressure on them to
do that as well, and soyou want to make sure number one,
you're doing it for yourself and notfor everybody else, and not just like,
oh my god, we're going tomiss out because everyone else is getting
married. We should do it.It's about time. You need to make
sure because that's over half of marriagesand in divorce. So if you're just
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doing it because everyone else is doingit, you know, and you want
to make sure, like there's somany things without being so personal about everything,
that's you know, you want tomake sure that there's a lot with
family. That's because you're not justmarrying that person, you are marrying that
family too. Now you know,when Joe gets Joe and I are so
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so close, like it's it's weare so close. But I have said
to him, the day that youget married is a day that I take
a step back. It's gonna makeme cry. But and I am so
happy to do that. I'm notlike, oh I'm gonna miss my baby.
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I'm not a because I said tohim, I'm not the first phone
call you're gonna make it anymore.And I should not be. It should
always be your wife. It shouldbecause that is going to be your core
family. I am always going tobe your mom. Nothing will ever,
ever, ever, ever change that. But there this is a time now
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where I have to take a stepback, and I'm excited for him.
I'm excited for the family that he'sgoing to have and for the life that
he's going to lead. It's scarybecause and it's nothing against Alyssa, but
you also you know, I'm scaredfor not Joe. I'm scared for both
of them because marriage is so tough. Well it is so tough, and
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there's so many things that come andyou don't get it until you're in it.
So we can say to him amillion times over, this is one
of the hardest things. And Ihave said, and I preach this to
the three boys. It's the hardestthing I will ever ever ever do.
I would gladly go through labor everysingle day of my life if it meant
to make a marriage easier, orif there's nothing compares to trying to stay
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in a marriage. It's like andanyone who says that they have a perfect,
loving, happy marriage, they're eitherliars or they're on drugs that I
would like to take. Because itis hard, and it is a decision
that you decide to make every dayor if you don't, you you know,
float through it like it's a commitment. It isn't this lovey ooey gooey
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feeling because this is a good timegetting engaged and finding a ring and that
is so exciting and figuring out howyou're going to propose, that is amazing
and so exciting. But the realshit hits the fan and you It's not
just you don't realize it. It'sthings that build up from years, days
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to weeks to years of not talkingabout things. There's resentment that can build
up, There's and everything plays afactor in it. And you know,
as his mom, I just wantto make sure that he You'll never know
until he's in it. You justdon't know. But I just want to
make sure that he has his eyesopen in the sense that you know,
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it's not a fairy tale that comesto life like it just isn't. Reality
is so much different than that,And I want him to know do your
parents tell you that, did they? Or do they? Did they when
when we were getting married, didyour mom tell you it's not a this
is not fairy tale? Or whatkind of advice do you remember? I
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don't remember because it's been you know, thirty two years, because we got
or thirty one and a half year, will be married for thirty years,
and we're engaged for a year anda half. I don't remember, but
I remember my parents just telling meyou are very young, you know.
I don't remember them ever telling meit's going to be really difficult. We
did go to pre mariital counseling,which was a waste because for us we
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went to Catholic premarital counselor. Didthat? Yeah, it was I Like
I told Joe, if for forhe and Alyssa, I said that they
need to find like a really reallygood couple's counselor, that is, somebody
that they can go to and trustand that needs to almost be their confident
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not you know well. And Ithought that should have been done before they
looked for rings, quite honestly,because if you think you're going to take
which they can do it now.But I think that if you know that
you're going to make this next stepand you're going to spend the rest of
your life with this person, thenyou really should go to a counselor.
And one of the reasons I firmlybelieve that is because again, you're not
just marrying that person, You're marryingfamilies. And one thing that has to
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be established in the very beginning boundaries, and that's from our side too,
Like they are going to form theirown unit and they're going to have to
establish their family traditions, their familyrules, their family everything, and all
of that is boundaries. And Joeand I again are super super close,
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and I don't want him to thinkthat it's not okay that he has that,
because it is okay. I wantI'm expecting him to do that.
That is how this this, that'show that goes, and I want him
to have confidence and knowing again,I'm not going anywhere. I'm your mom,
but this is your family, andshe needs to be your number one
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priority, and the children that youhave together have to be your number one
priority. You have to protect her, you have to protect her kids,
and that's going to come and viceversa, because you and I have lived
this with family where there has beenan overstepping of boundaries and things that have
been said that have seriously hurt Ohyeah, and things said. We've talked
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about it on this podcast. Well, and we don't have to rehash it,
but my point being is that therehave been things that have been said
and they haven't been addressed right away, that have been let to lie,
even for a while, and thatcreates resentment in a relationship. And so
but everyone's human. I may saythings that may overstep a boundary when they
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have a baby or whatever. AndI want Joe to feel comfortable to say,
Mom, not your place, youknow, like I want him,
Yeah, I want him to feelokay to say that. Now. I
hope that I don't, but I'mhuman, and you know, you never
know. It's so funny as aguy, the look. I kept thinking
about this when Joe was talking tome about wanting to get engaged, and
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I was thinking of all the thingsthat were scared for me the first ten
or fifteen years of our marriage,and many of them were I feared being
able to provide, like I alwayshad that fear that I was working in
radio when you and I got together, was making no money. I mean,
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we couldn't even get qualified for ahouse without you having to, you
know, have perfect credit, becausemy credit wasn't that great. And so
I was thinking about all that,all the financial things but it was the
emotional stuff that I wish that somebodywould have given me, which is funny
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though that was exactly what you justsaid. Yeah, well, I think
that's super important. Both both areimportant. And I look at Joe and
I wonder if they think because financialanother huge thing can come into your relationship
and really reak havoc on it,right, like you don't you go again?
I think everyone goes into getting marriedand they're like, this is going
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to be perfect. We love conquersall and by all means. Keep that
in your head for sure. Butwhat is love? Remember what love is?
Number one? Because I think it'sa commitment that you have to make
sometimes every day to that person wakeup and say, okay, I love
him. I am going to workon this today. So number one.
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Remember that. But then also,because there's gonna be these little things all
the time that creep in again.Family is a huge think about it.
Why are all the memes about motherin laws and how horrible mother in laws
are. I never experienced that becauseI didn't have a mother in law,
but I will be the mother inlaw. So but you know, you
think about that, like families creepin and there can be if there are
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no boundaries, clear boundaries that aredrawn that need to be drawn for both
sides, by the way, andit's so healthy, and then then it
can be. Then you guys canhave clear expectations. Of course, things
will not always be perfect, andthere will be boundaries that are stepped over
or whatever things happen, but yougo back to what your agreement was or
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what your boundaries are, which Ithink, you know, when you are
in this perfect euphoric time of youknow, getting engaged and thinking the rest
of your life is going to beperfect, it just you know, reality
needs to somehow be you have toweave in a little bit of reality into
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it, because of course this shouldbe a perfect euphoric time of planning your
wedding and and so exciting and allof that, but also there has to
be some realistic ideas or you know, not ideas, but real reality has
to be woven into that too.I wonder if Joe, and it's funny
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because if I haven't had a conversationwith Alyssa at all about this, but
I'm sure that Alyssa's talked to heryou know, mom, uh and family
about that, you know, gettingengaged. But I wonder if Joe's ever
thought of talking to your parents andasking them questions or advice, because I
will say this, the one thingthat was interesting about talking to your mom
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and dad and is still to thisday talking to them. They for you
know, grandparents of our kids alwayshad really have had really good advice,
you know, and they've never triedto overstep the you know. And it's
weird because I was telling my sisterTracy this, I've never felt like your
(27:03):
parents have always said, well,she's my blood and so I'm not going
to give you good advice. Myparents have never No, they're always they've
always been nothing but great. Andmy sister Tray said, that's amazing because
you know, she doesn't have thatkind of a relationship with her in laws.
And I said to uh, Isaid to Tracy, I go,
you know, it's a it's amazing. It's it's great for me because,
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like we talked about earlier in thispodcast, I didn't have that relationship with
my dad. I couldn't pick upthe phone and asked that kind of question,
I do I am proud of Joe? Sure, yeah, you know
so much to be proud of andI'm scared, and not that I'm scared
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for Joe because I think that Joeisn't going to be a great husband and
a great dad. I'm scared forhim because I think society does not help
out marriages well. And I thinkprobably that my parents were afraid. You
know, I come from a divorcefamily. You know, my mom and
dad got divorced when I was three, and my mom remarried, So I
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think part of that too. Again, reality wasn't woven and was not in
my head when I was twenty gettingmarried to you. I didn't think.
I wasn't walking down that aisle thinking, you know, oh my god,
there could be some and of courseyou don't, like you shouldn't have that
in your head when you're walking downthe aisle. But I didn't even like
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we said we did do that Catholicpre marital counseling, but it was kind
of bullshit counseling. You do needsomeone who can And that's not to say
that there wasn't somebody that could havebeen better. There was like these two
people that were married couple at churchand they talked to us about and you
had to do it. You hadkids, and how many kids. Yeah,
to have Yeah, you had todo it. You had to in
order to get married in the church. We got married and you had to
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meet with this couple three times,so it was like check, check,
check, and then you know,I had to promise to raise our kids
Catholic and then we were able toget married in the church. So we're
and they were a much older couplethan us, and there was no reality
in it. Yeah, it wasbasically family planning and how many kids God
wants you to have them? No? None? So I do hope.
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I hope that, you know,he can find someone to talk to.
And will he talk to my parents? I know he's gonna call. I'm
sure he'll call my mom and dadand when they get engaged and tell him
that he's engaged. But I don'tknow. I just don't know, you
know. I hope that they alsohave friends that they can talk to.
Who are you know some of herfriends that are married. Joe doesn't have
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any friends that are well, someof his friends are married, but he
really doesn't keep in contact with alot of them. So it's good when
you have peers. I know,for me, it took until I had
the kids and then you're with agroup of women who are going through this.
Women tend to talk more. Ican, I don't know about you
with men, but women tend totalk more about what's going on in their
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relationships. And then you find,Okay, this problem is so much my
what I think I'm alone on thisisland with this one problem is what basically
almost every married couple goes through.And so finding friends who are going through
the same thing, you know,and you can commiserate through it together.
But then also it's good to belike, Okay, if you're brave enough
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and you can say, Okay,how do we get through this? Like
how are you guys going to workon it to get through it? And
I think there should be a lotmore of that that you would ask questions
of. No, I was notbrave enough to ask those questions at all,
but ill people those questions I doI do? I do have a
lot of people that ask me thatnow, but I but for me,
(30:41):
it was enough for me to knowI wasn't alone. It was enough for
me to know, Okay, ifall of us are going through this,
then this is a lot more commonthan and that brought me enough comfort to
where I you know, I didn'tneed I could because I'm more of a
problem solver on my own. Sowhether that's right or wrong, you know.
(31:03):
But and also I felt and notwhere I could confide in my mom
and my dad and talk to themabout things. And you know, I
think it's really super important that whenyou're talking to people that they're not unless
it's a horrible marriage, they're notalways against the other person. You have
to remember two things, okay,because when you tell your friends and your
(31:23):
family horrible things about that person,if you end up staying together, they're
always going to have that horrible ideawhat you said about that person in their
head. And when they're your family, they're just not going to take that
other person's side. They're not goingto be happy that you are still with
them. They're not you know,because they're going to remember, well,
number one, then they're not goodenough for you because if they hurt you
(31:45):
or you guys are going through problemslike you just have to. That's why
I think friends are really good toconfide in with that. Even more than
that, I think that you gotto find that therapist. You got to
find that Yeah, because I thinkthat and friends friends can also pick sides,
but I'm for sure, but Ithink it's good when you're talking to
a group, like when you're nota group, when you're confiding in friends
(32:07):
about things, and if they're goingthrough the same thing, because nine times
out of ten, if they've beenmarried, if they're your age, like,
there's going to be some common groundand you're going to realize okay,
and then you can go to atherapist and the therapist can help you think
of ways to get through it andthink of you know, the thing I'm
most excited about is I'm I'm reallyexcited that and I hope all all of
(32:30):
our kids end up, you know, in long lasting relationships and marriages and
all that, because I'm excited thatI will get a daughter that I never
you know, got to have sure, and another son in Jacob's case.
And I also the one thing iswith our boys is I do trust them,
(32:54):
and I trust that they can makegood decisions. And I also believe
that each of them are worthy ofbeing loved. And that's the biggest thing.
I hope that they are worthy ofbeing No I said that they are
worthy, Yeah they are. AndI think that the one thing that they
all need to know is that theyare worth They are worth, yeah,
(33:16):
and deserve to you know, theydeserve to have the best and be the
best. And you know, thatis all you can ask for in a
marriage. And from what we seeof people that contact us about that,
we don't podcast. I mean,you get people that reach out to you
all the time for advice on howto keep things together. I mean that
(33:36):
right there, enough just shows youthat marriage is a very, very tough
thing. It's very tough, andwe all go through it. It can
be very rewarding, but it alsocan be horrible. So that's the reality
of it. And so I think, you know, not thinking that this
is going to be some very again, like I cannot say it enough,
which you know, some people probablylike you shouldn't be saying that, but
(34:00):
honestly, it is one of thehardest. I do not have one friend
who not one who is like marriageis the greatest and best thing I have
ever done. I don't have one. And I'm thankful for that because they,
number one, are comfortable. We'reall comfortable enough to just say,
you know what, sometimes it's shitand it sucks and it's horrible. And
(34:22):
then the other thing is I'm notalone. I'm not alone because social media
makes you feel you're alone enough onyour own little island, and you suck
personally because it's not as good aseveryone else is, so can you only
imagine? And that's when you haveto weed through the shit too, by
the way, because the people thatare posting all those perfect, you know,
(34:43):
photos of themselves and they're only puttingtheir best foot forward, and it's
we all do that, by theway. We're only we're only posting and
we're only putting our own edited perfectbecause you're not going to post shit,
so you're putting, you know,the perfect part up there. But it's
your true friends are the ones thatyou can be like, you know what,
(35:06):
because guarant like you know, there'sthat one thing meme or whatever it
was where it's like, you know, behind every perfect family photo is a
mom who was screaming to threaten tokill her kids and take all of their
stuff away if they don't smile inone photo like it, And that is
reality. That is reality. Whatgets put up there and we compare to
everyone else is the perfect, butthe shit is never shown, which is
(35:28):
too bad because we should talk aboutthe shit all right. I want to
wrap this up by asking one questionof you. Okay, how do you
think you are going to be asa mother in law? Because you brought
up the whole, you know,you never had the to worry about a
crazy mother in law. My momhad passed, so you know, I
(35:49):
think I am going to be agreat mother in law. But I think
it's you know, what do youthink will make you great? I think
the love that I have for Idon't know, I'm going to cry again,
the love that I have for mychild and wanting him to have an
(36:12):
amazing marriage and an amazing life.And I'm so excited to see that next
chapter for him. So I think, you know, if it just but
I can't do it by myself likethey're you know, you have to have
it's a relationship. So it's comesfrom both sides, I think, which
(36:34):
is important. It has to bewanted and one has to want to give
it so and it will be youknow, I will my role I believe
as a mother in law will bewhatever they want. So if if they
want me somewhere, I'm there.If they meet me, I'm there.
(36:55):
If they don't, I have tonot let my feelings get hurt, and
I have to realize it's not aboutme, it is about them, and
I just I know that in myhead, and I think I had an
amazing role model from my parents withyou the best in laws you could ever
(37:20):
ask for. And so it's notabout when there's a problem, Like I
would want my daughters in law tocome to me and say and not be
like, your son is a pieceof shit he's doing this, but be
like, you know what, we'rereally struggling with this. You know you
raised him, you know him likewith this, like, is there anything
you think that we could do?And I would I would like to think
(37:45):
that I'm not going to take myson's side because I think it's not I
think one thing that they have toremember it is not them against each other,
it's the both of them against theproblem. And so you're always going
to take the side of your grandchildreneventually, well my grandchildren for sure,
(38:06):
But I mean, if there wassomething between the two of them, I
don't want to come in and justsay, well, I'm defending my son
because he's my son, and really, truly it's not my place to know
their problems. But I would hopethat they would, you know, if
it's a little issue like he's notpicking up his stuff or what. I
don't need to know the inner workingsof their marriage that way, but if
they because again that's a boundary bythe way, but I would like to
(38:30):
think, and I would hope thatI could tell them, Look, this
isn't the two of you against eachother. This isn't my way or your
way or hurt. This is aboth of you together against the problem.
And so if they can, andeveryone needs to look at that way too,
So if you can come to itwith that perspective, then man,
(38:52):
you are going to be so farahead of it. So I hope that
I can in times, you know, if they have problems, because they
will because everyone does, and ifthey share it with me, I hope
that my knee jerk reaction isn't tosay one or other is wrong in the
situation, because I'm not judge andjudge and jury. It is for them
(39:14):
to figure out, but to figureit out together as a team against the
problem. I think we used togo to your parents more so and just
say pray for us because we're struggling. And a lot of times that was
all we needed to say, well, even if I didn't say that to
my parents, that was their answer. Yeah, you know. And I
again, my parents were never andI would go to them and say,
(39:35):
he's doing this, and he's doingthat, and he's doing this, and
they never were like, you know, taking quote unquote taking my side.
My parents both would listen and atthat at the end, they would say,
we're gonna pray for both of you. They would I hear you,
I understand that's frustrating, bother youbecause they know sometimes you get bothered by
that a little bit about what whenI'll say, like, I pray for
(40:00):
everything will be okay. Well,because I'd want a solution. I wanted,
I want I expected my parents tosolve my problem. But you know
what, they're not my problem solverslike that. And it took me a
minute to really realize that. Whatit made me realize is that they're my
comfort. They were someone that theywere an ear that would listen and they
wouldn't talk bad against you. Theyyou know, they would just listen to
(40:22):
the problem. They would I getit, that's really frustrating and that's really
hard, and then they would say, well, pray for you. It
was never you need to divorce him. It was you know, never,
never, never never. All goodadvice, Chelse, all good advice.
The monster in law? Can welabel this the monster in law? Wow,
(40:47):
that's not nice at all. Iknow it's not I think I'm going
to be a hell of a fatherin law. By the way, you
always think Kylie of yourself. Well, but I'm like, not like the
Disney dad, you know, theI'm filled u fee, Yeah you are.
I'm more I'm more realistic, allright. I love you and uh
(41:07):
and we're very proud of you Joeand he doesn't listen to it, and
Alyssa and uh and we look forwardto hearing about the engagement and when it
does happen on their time, ontheir time, and it hasn't happened yet.
No, I don't call them andtell them congratulations yet congratulate them after
you hearing that it happened.
Welcome to the We Don't Podcast,starring husband and wife Mojo from Mojo in
the Morning and his better half Chelseaon this episode. On this episode of
(00:23):
the We Don't Podcast, we haven'thad one of these in a while.
No, we took some time off. We're actually going to talk about relationships
and who is your relationship really forlet's begin this podcast now, are you
sure you want to do a podcastright now? Let's take maybe one more
week off. Well all right,all right, all right, without further
delay, here are Mojo and Chelsea. All right, Chelle. So we
(00:54):
took some time off and we hadsome fun stuff happen during that last couple
of weeks. We got to spendtime with family, which was nice.
I got to see my brothers andsisters. You got to spend time with
Jacob, which we haven't seen Jacobin a little bit, which was fun.
And we saw Joe too, whichwas just nice. Yeah. So
the two boys who are not livingwith us, and then of course Luke's
(01:21):
not living with us. You know, he loves with us, but he
works and he has a girlfriend he'swith all the time. Yeah, and
it's interesting because having had this timeto be able to kind of take off
from work, but also then spendtime with our boys. We got some
(01:41):
interesting news. Our son, Joecame and told both of us that he
was preparing for an engagement. Yes, he was going to go buy a
ring. So he hasn't said whenhe's going to do have the engagement yet,
and he doesn't even know yet whathe's doing. He said it could
be anywhere from now until December,so I don't even think he really knows.
(02:04):
I don't think he's going to waitthat long. I really think he
doesn't know. I don't think hereally knows. I don't because he threw
out a ton of ideas to me, like how he wanted to do it,
and I'm not going to go intothat because I'm not ruining anything.
Yeah, So it's because you alreadythought that I ruined it by talking about
how Joe asked me about it.No, I don't think you ruined it.
I think that you skewed it alittle bit differently than what it was.
(02:30):
And I think that and for thosethat didn't hear it, I brought
up on the air the conversation thatI had with Joe where he pulled me
aside and you know, while wewere golfing together and said, Dad,
there's something I want to tell you. I am going to start looking for
engagement rings with Alyssa, his girlfriendof three years now. Correct. And
(02:54):
it was a very emotional experience becauseyou know, it's a big moment in
our lives and for sure, butI think what it was to listen,
she knows the ring that she wants. They spent one day in the store
for a couple of hours because sheknows exactly the ring that she wanted,
and so it was more or lessI think it wasn't Joe saying, hey,
(03:15):
we're going to look for rings.She knew what she wanted. It
was more or less, hey,I'm going to buy a ring, and
I wanted to let us know aheadof time. Yeah, he just wanted
to let us know that he wasgoing to buy a ring. What happened
was people assumed he was getting engagedright now, and that turned into your
sister calling like a lot of peoplecalling me and saying, oh my god,
(03:36):
Joe's getting engaged. No, Joeis not getting engaged yet. He
is going to for sure, Ohyeah, everybody automatically. I thought it
was also how it was posted toon our social media because well, and
you were crying, and well,the way I talked about it was,
you know, I wasn't and thatwas emotional when Joe had come to me
because and I know, I'm not, you know Melyssa's father, so it's
(03:58):
not like he's coming to me toask me for my permission or anything like
that. But he was coming tome in kind of a fatherly way to
say, hey, this is somethingthat I want to do. And I
think he was also looking for reassurrement, from reassurance, reassuring, whatever the
word would be. He was layinghe definitely doesn't turn to me for grammar,
(04:19):
no, but he was looking for, you know me saying you know,
you know that I'm proud of him, and I am very very proud
of him, and I wanted togive him some advice too, because you
know, I think Joe, Jacoband Luke have it very hard. How
(04:40):
is that we got married way young, and we have been married for a
long time, and we've been veryopen about our marriage. So I think
it is it's a good thing anda bad thing for them, because I
don't know, I don't think Iever turned to my dad for marital advice.
Ever, did you ever turn toyour parents for marital advice? That's
(05:00):
but you also weren't close to yourdad. I think that when your mom
died, not I think, butI know when your mom died, there
was kind of a divide that happenedin your family when he remarried, and
so you flocked more to your sistersthan you did to your dad. I
think when I came to you whenI got married and had kids, it
kind of repaired that bridge with yourdad a little bit because we had babies
(05:23):
and when we would visit Chicago,we would go to your dad's and so
that's when you But I don't remembercalling my dad ever and saying, hey,
Dad, I'm thinking about getting engaged. I probably said something well again,
I think, but I think that'sbecause your relationship with your dad was
fractured when your dad remarried, andit put a wedge. It drove a
(05:44):
wedge in between your dad and thesixth of you, and that was never
ever addressed, nor was it reallyrepaired. It kind of a band aid
was put on it when everyone startedhaving kids, and then it was like,
you know, Tracy would take thegirls to go see Grandpa, and
we would take the boys to gosee Grandpa, and Tony and Julie took
the kids to go see granp.Like, I think it was never really
(06:08):
addressed of hey, what happened withthat in our family at that time was
really shitty and we should address thatand try to repair that. It was
just more or less, you know, we're not going to address it,
and oh my gosh, now there'sa new generation. And let's because I
never knew the extent of hurt thathappened until I was in your family and
(06:33):
saw the extent of hurt that tookplace when you're because I wasn't you know,
in your family when your mom diedand then when your dad remarried.
When I came into the picture,your dad had been remarried to Sue for
a long time, and there werelike it, well, not a long
time. It was well anyway,because they got married when you were sixteen.
(06:58):
Yeah, you and I met Iwas eight twenty one, and then
I met them about a year later. But anyway, as far as I
knew, yes, your mother haddied and it was a horrible experience,
but I thought your family had gotgoss it. I did not know the
extent of what you know, ofall of that, of all the hurt
that went with it, And soI think that when we had the boys,
(07:26):
it was, you know, justa lot to like I said,
it was more or less just puttinga band aid on it and pushing that
hurt aside and never really I don'tthink you ever really dealt with it with
your dad, and so I don'tthink that you and your dad had the
kind of relationship that you and Joeand the boys have. Yeah, it's
(07:48):
weird because I'm thinking about this andI don't know if maybe there's something to
this, but like I know thatwhen I did meet you and you were
in my life, I remember callingmy dad to tell him about you,
and then I think that the firsttime that my dad had ever because we
(08:09):
didn't have FaceTime or anything like thator zoom. But I think the first
time that my dad saw you wason a visit when we went to Chicago,
when he came to Tuson. Oh, that's right, he came to
visit us in Tucson. Yeah,he came to visit you in Tucson,
and yeah, that's when we met. And it's weird because I think that
it's so different now as parents withour kids dating, because all three of
(08:31):
them are in relationships right now.And I remember meeting your parents for the
first time, and I don't knowwhat it is, but I remember when
I met your mom and dad,I was definitely not acting like I was
me. I was trying to bethe best part of me, sure,
(08:52):
And honestly, I don't think Iwas even being me. I think I
was trying to be the best partof what I thought your dad would like
of me. And it's wild becauseI think that in all of the kids,
our kids' relationships, their significant othersare definitely a lot more themselves than
(09:15):
you and I were when you metmy dad and he visited Tucson, and
I met your parents for the firsttime visiting their house. I don't know,
is that crazy to say that orwhat do you think? No?
I think definitely maybe putting that bestfoot forward, or being I don't want
to say putting the bestoot forward,but maybe, yeah, trying to be
(09:35):
someone that you're not to impress people, to impress parents. I don't think
that happens with this generation at all. I think it's you know, it's
just a lot different with this generation. I think. I don't think that
they feel they have to impress peopleimpressed parents. Maybe, yeah, I
don't know. It's interesting because Iremember meeting your dad for the very first
(09:58):
time, and you and I actuallyhad this conversation like you had said something
to me to this extent up becauseyour dad was really mad at you for
dating me, and you had said, if my dad doesn't wait, think
more than mad. He was hurtthough, too, because and scared because
I was his little girl, andI was young. I was seventeen when
(10:22):
I met you, and then eighteenwhen they finally met you. And so
I think it was more or lessyou as a par And I get it.
I get it now. I didn'tthen, but I good lord,
I get it now, like thisis your prize possession. There is nothing
more important to me in this wholeworld than the three humans that you know
(10:43):
I gave birth to. So Iget it. I am one of my
dad's prize possessions. And you know, here you are this radio DJ who
he really didn't know, and heeven said he should have given you a
bigger chance than he did. Butat the beginning, I think you know,
you're just you want to protect yourkids, and you know, quite
honestly, I've talked to a lotof parents, a lot of my friends
(11:07):
who are parents, and they allsay, it doesn't matter who the person
is, there is no at theend of the day. You feel like
even the most perfect person is stillnot good enough for your kid at the
end of the day. And Iget that sometimes, like I get it
not because and it's not because ofwho that person is and they're just never
good enough, but it's because whoyou are as a parent, and you
(11:28):
look at your child and you know, for those listeners who have younger kids
who are just like, oh,you just need to give a chance,
you know you need to give ita chance, you need to let it
go. You don't get it untilyou're in those shoes, because I did
not get it until our kids startedseriously dating other people and you're just like,
are they good enough? I don'tknow, can you do better?
(11:50):
And then sometimes you'll get your kidsand you're like, you need to be
better for that person you need soit's not always just the other person but
I And then you put your ownspin on it from what my life and
what our life has been. Inever in a million years if our kids
came to us at the age thatwe were, would I encourage nor would
(12:11):
I say, go ahead, goget married? Like and I get it,
our parents didn't have a say init at that point because we both
were adults and we got married.But I think I would have encouraged living
together, Like if I was mymom and dad, I would have encouraged
more so living together than us gettingmarried. Don't you think though that your
parents, which they never would have, your parents' opposition of you and I
(12:37):
being together without being married. Don'tyou think though that that made us get
married sooner? Well, yeah,that's for sure, and it probably was.
It probably Listen, we're still together, thank god, But it also
could have really backfired. Oh forsure and been and been you know,
a bad But you did make acomment. I remember where you were,
(12:58):
like, if my day doesn't comearound, you know, then I'll just
have to make a decision at thatpoint, I'm going wait a second,
I don't think that you. Iwould never want you to ever make a
decision that you don't want to bein a relationship with your dad. If
your dad didn't like me, well, I wouldn't have chosen you over my
dad. I think you're kind ofsaying that though back then, No,
(13:20):
I don't think I would have.I think that you really liked me.
Well, of course I did,but I never would have the dad would
have said it's either him or me. You would have chosen my dad your
dad, Yeah, a million percent. But I all say that now,
but I don't think in the momentyou were like that. Okay, Well,
here's a thing that really drives mecrazy about you. Sometimes. Go
ahead, is you like to tellme what I would have done or how
(13:41):
I feel, And I'm telling youhow I would have chosen my family.
But I always but I am theperson who likes to make my parents proud
and I like to make sure,and quite honestly, that's a reason why
we are still married as well,and why I never would file for worse
because I knew my parents would beso upset if I got divorced, and
(14:05):
so I would. I always seekto make my parents proud of my choices,
of who I am of and soif my dad, you don't have
to believe it, but I'm tellingyou it's true, and my truth is
my truth. If my dad cameto me when we were younger and said,
I will not speak to you againor I will be out of your
(14:26):
life if you stay with him,then I would have broken up with you.
That never happened. After a coupleof weeks, my dad sat down
with you and my brother Tony kindof didn't. Well, but that's you
and that's your situation. I'm tellingI'm telling you mine and mine situation if
and what Tony did was he justasked us to wait. He didn't say
don't be with her. Tony ismy oldest brother, he's my godfather.
(14:50):
He he did something that my dadnever did, and that was looking back
on it, I was really upset. But he he fathered like he gave
me wrote letter. He wrote youa letter. I wrote his letter,
which we still have. His lettersaid that marriage is very difficult. It's
a tough thing for you to doat any age, let alone the pages
(15:15):
that we were and he just saidthat he wished that we would wait.
And it was weird because that couldhave really put a well. The timing
of it was hard to because itwas right when we were going to get
married. Yeah, so it wasn'tlike when we first got engaged. It
was when right before we were supposedto get married, So it was a
little bit more like, well,here we are at this point. And
(15:37):
I understand it too. I understandhis reservation. It wasn't a personal attack
against me and saying I'm not theone and you shouldn't marry her. It
was just you, guys should wait. And I get that. I get
that as a parent, I reallyreally am. It took so many years
later for us to get that becauseat the time you feel like it's you
feel like it is doubting us,But it's not really doubting us. It's
(16:02):
saying, this is going to bea very difficult thing for you guys.
Well, and that's one thing thatyou and I both shared with Joe when
he told us that he wanted togo ring shopping. You know, I
and you and I both said,are you sure that she's the one?
You know number one? Because Ithink you get wrapped up even though they've
been together for three years, youget wrapped up in the whole. You
know a lot of her friends,all of her friends are married now they're
(16:25):
starting to have babies, so it'salmost like putting a pressure on them to
do that as well, and soyou want to make sure number one,
you're doing it for yourself and notfor everybody else, and not just like,
oh my god, we're going tomiss out because everyone else is getting
married. We should do it.It's about time. You need to make
sure because that's over half of marriagesand in divorce. So if you're just
(16:47):
doing it because everyone else is doingit, you know, and you want
to make sure, like there's somany things without being so personal about everything,
that's you know, you want tomake sure that there's a lot with
family. That's because you're not justmarrying that person, you are marrying that
family too. Now you know,when Joe gets Joe and I are so
(17:10):
so close, like it's it's weare so close. But I have said
to him, the day that youget married is a day that I take
a step back. It's gonna makeme cry. But and I am so
happy to do that. I'm notlike, oh I'm gonna miss my baby.
(17:30):
I'm not a because I said tohim, I'm not the first phone
call you're gonna make it anymore.And I should not be. It should
always be your wife. It shouldbecause that is going to be your core
family. I am always going tobe your mom. Nothing will ever,
ever, ever, ever change that. But there this is a time now
(17:53):
where I have to take a stepback, and I'm excited for him.
I'm excited for the family that he'sgoing to have and for the life that
he's going to lead. It's scarybecause and it's nothing against Alyssa, but
you also you know, I'm scaredfor not Joe. I'm scared for both
of them because marriage is so tough. Well it is so tough, and
(18:15):
there's so many things that come andyou don't get it until you're in it.
So we can say to him amillion times over, this is one
of the hardest things. And Ihave said, and I preach this to
the three boys. It's the hardestthing I will ever ever ever do.
I would gladly go through labor everysingle day of my life if it meant
to make a marriage easier, orif there's nothing compares to trying to stay
(18:41):
in a marriage. It's like andanyone who says that they have a perfect,
loving, happy marriage, they're eitherliars or they're on drugs that I
would like to take. Because itis hard, and it is a decision
that you decide to make every dayor if you don't, you you know,
float through it like it's a commitment. It isn't this lovey ooey gooey
(19:04):
feeling because this is a good timegetting engaged and finding a ring and that
is so exciting and figuring out howyou're going to propose, that is amazing
and so exciting. But the realshit hits the fan and you It's not
just you don't realize it. It'sthings that build up from years, days
(19:27):
to weeks to years of not talkingabout things. There's resentment that can build
up, There's and everything plays afactor in it. And you know,
as his mom, I just wantto make sure that he You'll never know
until he's in it. You justdon't know. But I just want to
make sure that he has his eyesopen in the sense that you know,
(19:52):
it's not a fairy tale that comesto life like it just isn't. Reality
is so much different than that,And I want him to know do your
parents tell you that, did they? Or do they? Did they when
when we were getting married, didyour mom tell you it's not a this
is not fairy tale? Or whatkind of advice do you remember? I
(20:12):
don't remember because it's been you know, thirty two years, because we got
or thirty one and a half year, will be married for thirty years,
and we're engaged for a year anda half. I don't remember, but
I remember my parents just telling meyou are very young, you know.
I don't remember them ever telling meit's going to be really difficult. We
did go to pre mariital counseling,which was a waste because for us we
(20:36):
went to Catholic premarital counselor. Didthat? Yeah, it was I Like
I told Joe, if for forhe and Alyssa, I said that they
need to find like a really reallygood couple's counselor, that is, somebody
that they can go to and trustand that needs to almost be their confident
(21:00):
not you know well. And Ithought that should have been done before they
looked for rings, quite honestly,because if you think you're going to take
which they can do it now.But I think that if you know that
you're going to make this next stepand you're going to spend the rest of
your life with this person, thenyou really should go to a counselor.
And one of the reasons I firmlybelieve that is because again, you're not
just marrying that person, You're marryingfamilies. And one thing that has to
(21:23):
be established in the very beginning boundaries, and that's from our side too,
Like they are going to form theirown unit and they're going to have to
establish their family traditions, their familyrules, their family everything, and all
of that is boundaries. And Joeand I again are super super close,
(21:47):
and I don't want him to thinkthat it's not okay that he has that,
because it is okay. I wantI'm expecting him to do that.
That is how this this, that'show that goes, and I want him
to have confidence and knowing again,I'm not going anywhere. I'm your mom,
but this is your family, andshe needs to be your number one
(22:07):
priority, and the children that youhave together have to be your number one
priority. You have to protect her, you have to protect her kids,
and that's going to come and viceversa, because you and I have lived
this with family where there has beenan overstepping of boundaries and things that have
been said that have seriously hurt Ohyeah, and things said. We've talked
(22:32):
about it on this podcast. Well, and we don't have to rehash it,
but my point being is that therehave been things that have been said
and they haven't been addressed right away, that have been let to lie,
even for a while, and thatcreates resentment in a relationship. And so
but everyone's human. I may saythings that may overstep a boundary when they
(22:53):
have a baby or whatever. AndI want Joe to feel comfortable to say,
Mom, not your place, youknow, like I want him,
Yeah, I want him to feelokay to say that. Now. I
hope that I don't, but I'mhuman, and you know, you never
know. It's so funny as aguy, the look. I kept thinking
about this when Joe was talking tome about wanting to get engaged, and
(23:18):
I was thinking of all the thingsthat were scared for me the first ten
or fifteen years of our marriage,and many of them were I feared being
able to provide, like I alwayshad that fear that I was working in
radio when you and I got together, was making no money. I mean,
(23:41):
we couldn't even get qualified for ahouse without you having to, you
know, have perfect credit, becausemy credit wasn't that great. And so
I was thinking about all that,all the financial things but it was the
emotional stuff that I wish that somebodywould have given me, which is funny
(24:02):
though that was exactly what you justsaid. Yeah, well, I think
that's super important. Both both areimportant. And I look at Joe and
I wonder if they think because financialanother huge thing can come into your relationship
and really reak havoc on it,right, like you don't you go again?
I think everyone goes into getting marriedand they're like, this is going
(24:22):
to be perfect. We love conquersall and by all means. Keep that
in your head for sure. Butwhat is love? Remember what love is?
Number one? Because I think it'sa commitment that you have to make
sometimes every day to that person wakeup and say, okay, I love
him. I am going to workon this today. So number one.
(24:44):
Remember that. But then also,because there's gonna be these little things all
the time that creep in again.Family is a huge think about it.
Why are all the memes about motherin laws and how horrible mother in laws
are. I never experienced that becauseI didn't have a mother in law,
but I will be the mother inlaw. So but you know, you
think about that, like families creepin and there can be if there are
(25:07):
no boundaries, clear boundaries that aredrawn that need to be drawn for both
sides, by the way, andit's so healthy, and then then it
can be. Then you guys canhave clear expectations. Of course, things
will not always be perfect, andthere will be boundaries that are stepped over
or whatever things happen, but yougo back to what your agreement was or
(25:32):
what your boundaries are, which Ithink, you know, when you are
in this perfect euphoric time of youknow, getting engaged and thinking the rest
of your life is going to beperfect, it just you know, reality
needs to somehow be you have toweave in a little bit of reality into
(25:55):
it, because of course this shouldbe a perfect euphoric time of planning your
wedding and and so exciting and allof that, but also there has to
be some realistic ideas or you know, not ideas, but real reality has
to be woven into that too.I wonder if Joe, and it's funny
(26:17):
because if I haven't had a conversationwith Alyssa at all about this, but
I'm sure that Alyssa's talked to heryou know, mom, uh and family
about that, you know, gettingengaged. But I wonder if Joe's ever
thought of talking to your parents andasking them questions or advice, because I
will say this, the one thingthat was interesting about talking to your mom
(26:40):
and dad and is still to thisday talking to them. They for you
know, grandparents of our kids alwayshad really have had really good advice,
you know, and they've never triedto overstep the you know. And it's
weird because I was telling my sisterTracy this, I've never felt like your
(27:03):
parents have always said, well,she's my blood and so I'm not going
to give you good advice. Myparents have never No, they're always they've
always been nothing but great. Andmy sister Tray said, that's amazing because
you know, she doesn't have thatkind of a relationship with her in laws.
And I said to uh, Isaid to Tracy, I go,
you know, it's a it's amazing. It's it's great for me because,
(27:25):
like we talked about earlier in thispodcast, I didn't have that relationship with
my dad. I couldn't pick upthe phone and asked that kind of question,
I do I am proud of Joe? Sure, yeah, you know
so much to be proud of andI'm scared, and not that I'm scared
(27:48):
for Joe because I think that Joeisn't going to be a great husband and
a great dad. I'm scared forhim because I think society does not help
out marriages well. And I thinkprobably that my parents were afraid. You
know, I come from a divorcefamily. You know, my mom and
dad got divorced when I was three, and my mom remarried, So I
(28:08):
think part of that too. Again, reality wasn't woven and was not in
my head when I was twenty gettingmarried to you. I didn't think.
I wasn't walking down that aisle thinking, you know, oh my god,
there could be some and of courseyou don't, like you shouldn't have that
in your head when you're walking downthe aisle. But I didn't even like
(28:29):
we said we did do that Catholicpre marital counseling, but it was kind
of bullshit counseling. You do needsomeone who can And that's not to say
that there wasn't somebody that could havebeen better. There was like these two
people that were married couple at churchand they talked to us about and you
had to do it. You hadkids, and how many kids. Yeah,
to have Yeah, you had todo it. You had to in
order to get married in the church. We got married and you had to
(28:52):
meet with this couple three times,so it was like check, check,
check, and then you know,I had to promise to raise our kids
Catholic and then we were able toget married in the church. So we're
and they were a much older couplethan us, and there was no reality
in it. Yeah, it wasbasically family planning and how many kids God
wants you to have them? No? None? So I do hope.
(29:17):
I hope that, you know,he can find someone to talk to.
And will he talk to my parents? I know he's gonna call. I'm
sure he'll call my mom and dadand when they get engaged and tell him
that he's engaged. But I don'tknow. I just don't know, you
know. I hope that they alsohave friends that they can talk to.
Who are you know some of herfriends that are married. Joe doesn't have
(29:37):
any friends that are well, someof his friends are married, but he
really doesn't keep in contact with alot of them. So it's good when
you have peers. I know,for me, it took until I had
the kids and then you're with agroup of women who are going through this.
Women tend to talk more. Ican, I don't know about you
with men, but women tend totalk more about what's going on in their
(30:00):
relationships. And then you find,Okay, this problem is so much my
what I think I'm alone on thisisland with this one problem is what basically
almost every married couple goes through.And so finding friends who are going through
the same thing, you know,and you can commiserate through it together.
But then also it's good to belike, Okay, if you're brave enough
(30:21):
and you can say, Okay,how do we get through this? Like
how are you guys going to workon it to get through it? And
I think there should be a lotmore of that that you would ask questions
of. No, I was notbrave enough to ask those questions at all,
but ill people those questions I doI do? I do have a
lot of people that ask me thatnow, but I but for me,
(30:41):
it was enough for me to knowI wasn't alone. It was enough for
me to know, Okay, ifall of us are going through this,
then this is a lot more commonthan and that brought me enough comfort to
where I you know, I didn'tneed I could because I'm more of a
problem solver on my own. Sowhether that's right or wrong, you know.
(31:03):
But and also I felt and notwhere I could confide in my mom
and my dad and talk to themabout things. And you know, I
think it's really super important that whenyou're talking to people that they're not unless
it's a horrible marriage, they're notalways against the other person. You have
to remember two things, okay,because when you tell your friends and your
(31:23):
family horrible things about that person,if you end up staying together, they're
always going to have that horrible ideawhat you said about that person in their
head. And when they're your family, they're just not going to take that
other person's side. They're not goingto be happy that you are still with
them. They're not you know,because they're going to remember, well,
number one, then they're not goodenough for you because if they hurt you
(31:45):
or you guys are going through problemslike you just have to. That's why
I think friends are really good toconfide in with that. Even more than
that, I think that you gotto find that therapist. You got to
find that Yeah, because I thinkthat and friends friends can also pick sides,
but I'm for sure, but Ithink it's good when you're talking to
a group, like when you're nota group, when you're confiding in friends
(32:07):
about things, and if they're goingthrough the same thing, because nine times
out of ten, if they've beenmarried, if they're your age, like,
there's going to be some common groundand you're going to realize okay,
and then you can go to atherapist and the therapist can help you think
of ways to get through it andthink of you know, the thing I'm
most excited about is I'm I'm reallyexcited that and I hope all all of
(32:30):
our kids end up, you know, in long lasting relationships and marriages and
all that, because I'm excited thatI will get a daughter that I never
you know, got to have sure, and another son in Jacob's case.
And I also the one thing iswith our boys is I do trust them,
(32:54):
and I trust that they can makegood decisions. And I also believe
that each of them are worthy ofbeing loved. And that's the biggest thing.
I hope that they are worthy ofbeing No I said that they are
worthy, Yeah they are. AndI think that the one thing that they
all need to know is that theyare worth They are worth, yeah,
(33:16):
and deserve to you know, theydeserve to have the best and be the
best. And you know, thatis all you can ask for in a
marriage. And from what we seeof people that contact us about that,
we don't podcast. I mean,you get people that reach out to you
all the time for advice on howto keep things together. I mean that
(33:36):
right there, enough just shows youthat marriage is a very, very tough
thing. It's very tough, andwe all go through it. It can
be very rewarding, but it alsocan be horrible. So that's the reality
of it. And so I think, you know, not thinking that this
is going to be some very again, like I cannot say it enough,
which you know, some people probablylike you shouldn't be saying that, but
(34:00):
honestly, it is one of thehardest. I do not have one friend
who not one who is like marriageis the greatest and best thing I have
ever done. I don't have one. And I'm thankful for that because they,
number one, are comfortable. We'reall comfortable enough to just say,
you know what, sometimes it's shitand it sucks and it's horrible. And
(34:22):
then the other thing is I'm notalone. I'm not alone because social media
makes you feel you're alone enough onyour own little island, and you suck
personally because it's not as good aseveryone else is, so can you only
imagine? And that's when you haveto weed through the shit too, by
the way, because the people thatare posting all those perfect, you know,
(34:43):
photos of themselves and they're only puttingtheir best foot forward, and it's
we all do that, by theway. We're only we're only posting and
we're only putting our own edited perfectbecause you're not going to post shit,
so you're putting, you know,the perfect part up there. But it's
your true friends are the ones thatyou can be like, you know what,
(35:06):
because guarant like you know, there'sthat one thing meme or whatever it
was where it's like, you know, behind every perfect family photo is a
mom who was screaming to threaten tokill her kids and take all of their
stuff away if they don't smile inone photo like it, And that is
reality. That is reality. Whatgets put up there and we compare to
everyone else is the perfect, butthe shit is never shown, which is
(35:28):
too bad because we should talk aboutthe shit all right. I want to
wrap this up by asking one questionof you. Okay, how do you
think you are going to be asa mother in law? Because you brought
up the whole, you know,you never had the to worry about a
crazy mother in law. My momhad passed, so you know, I
(35:49):
think I am going to be agreat mother in law. But I think
it's you know, what do youthink will make you great? I think
the love that I have for Idon't know, I'm going to cry again,
the love that I have for mychild and wanting him to have an
(36:12):
amazing marriage and an amazing life.And I'm so excited to see that next
chapter for him. So I think, you know, if it just but
I can't do it by myself likethey're you know, you have to have
it's a relationship. So it's comesfrom both sides, I think, which
(36:34):
is important. It has to bewanted and one has to want to give
it so and it will be youknow, I will my role I believe
as a mother in law will bewhatever they want. So if if they
want me somewhere, I'm there.If they meet me, I'm there.
(36:55):
If they don't, I have tonot let my feelings get hurt, and
I have to realize it's not aboutme, it is about them, and
I just I know that in myhead, and I think I had an
amazing role model from my parents withyou the best in laws you could ever
(37:20):
ask for. And so it's notabout when there's a problem, Like I
would want my daughters in law tocome to me and say and not be
like, your son is a pieceof shit he's doing this, but be
like, you know what, we'rereally struggling with this. You know you
raised him, you know him likewith this, like, is there anything
you think that we could do?And I would I would like to think
(37:45):
that I'm not going to take myson's side because I think it's not I
think one thing that they have toremember it is not them against each other,
it's the both of them against theproblem. And so you're always going
to take the side of your grandchildreneventually, well my grandchildren for sure,
(38:06):
But I mean, if there wassomething between the two of them, I
don't want to come in and justsay, well, I'm defending my son
because he's my son, and really, truly it's not my place to know
their problems. But I would hopethat they would, you know, if
it's a little issue like he's notpicking up his stuff or what. I
don't need to know the inner workingsof their marriage that way, but if
they because again that's a boundary bythe way, but I would like to
(38:30):
think, and I would hope thatI could tell them, Look, this
isn't the two of you against eachother. This isn't my way or your
way or hurt. This is aboth of you together against the problem.
And so if they can, andeveryone needs to look at that way too,
So if you can come to itwith that perspective, then man,
(38:52):
you are going to be so farahead of it. So I hope that
I can in times, you know, if they have problems, because they
will because everyone does, and ifthey share it with me, I hope
that my knee jerk reaction isn't tosay one or other is wrong in the
situation, because I'm not judge andjudge and jury. It is for them
(39:14):
to figure out, but to figureit out together as a team against the
problem. I think we used togo to your parents more so and just
say pray for us because we're struggling. And a lot of times that was
all we needed to say, well, even if I didn't say that to
my parents, that was their answer. Yeah, you know. And I
again, my parents were never andI would go to them and say,
(39:35):
he's doing this, and he's doingthat, and he's doing this, and
they never were like, you know, taking quote unquote taking my side.
My parents both would listen and atthat at the end, they would say,
we're gonna pray for both of you. They would I hear you,
I understand that's frustrating, bother youbecause they know sometimes you get bothered by
that a little bit about what whenI'll say, like, I pray for
(40:00):
everything will be okay. Well,because I'd want a solution. I wanted,
I want I expected my parents tosolve my problem. But you know
what, they're not my problem solverslike that. And it took me a
minute to really realize that. Whatit made me realize is that they're my
comfort. They were someone that theywere an ear that would listen and they
wouldn't talk bad against you. Theyyou know, they would just listen to
(40:22):
the problem. They would I getit, that's really frustrating and that's really
hard, and then they would say, well, pray for you. It
was never you need to divorce him. It was you know, never,
never, never never. All goodadvice, Chelse, all good advice.
The monster in law? Can welabel this the monster in law? Wow,
(40:47):
that's not nice at all. Iknow it's not I think I'm going
to be a hell of a fatherin law. By the way, you
always think Kylie of yourself. Well, but I'm like, not like the
Disney dad, you know, theI'm filled u fee, Yeah you are.
I'm more I'm more realistic, allright. I love you and uh
(41:07):
and we're very proud of you Joeand he doesn't listen to it, and
Alyssa and uh and we look forwardto hearing about the engagement and when it
does happen on their time, ontheir time, and it hasn't happened yet.
No, I don't call them andtell them congratulations yet congratulate them after
you hearing that it happened.
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