All Episodes

May 2, 2024 28 mins
Mark as Played

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Let me know when you're ready.I bet that's a good start. This
is Tanner, Drew and Laura's DonkeyShow Show. Hi, kiddos, thanks
for checking out Tanner to and Laura'sDonkey Show podcast heard online at one of
five nine, the brew dot com, the iHeartRadio app, or wherever you

listen to podcast. I'm Tanner,Drew's there, Laura's here, Busterress Marcus
is joining us this morning. Marcus, Happy National Masturbation Month to you and
miss that on my calendar. Wellthat's a Happy Masturbation Month to you too,
buddy. Let me chances are you'vebeen celebrating and you didn't even realize.
I'm gonna say it's only the secondhave you or you? I hope

you're on the dream team by now. I'm tapped out by now, man,
I'm to get a month celebrated.Day one. Yeah, I went
so massive on May Day. Needa break, yes, all of I'll
tell you, man, when thatpaycheck comes in. It's just I can't
help myself. You know, that'slike a night. All of May is
National Masturbation Month. And it's beenaround since we learned this morning, since

nineteen ninety five. Spank thirty.Yeah, here's the history of it.
Apparently, May was designated the seasonof self gratification way back in nineteen ninety
five, the year prior, thenPresident Bill Clinton fired Surgeon General doctor Jocelyn
Elders for suggesting the masturbation be taughtas part of a sex said curriculum and
self a critical for a guy witha cigar and self stimulating solidarity, the

infamous San Francisco sex shop Good Vibrationsdecreed that the merry month of May be
the merry month of masturbation, andthe rest is history. Why would you
go out of your way to makesure that you don't talk about masturbation in
his sexad class? What's the pointof sex at right? It's ard you're

supposed to feel weird, like we'reteaching you right now. I feel like
that's old school thinking, right,Like don't don't acknowledge realities, just being
this cookie with this cookie cutter teachingin this class, they probably taught like
how to put on a condom.I don't even know if they did that,
like, but I would guess likehow to like take care of your
child or something like. See whenbecause when Bill Clinton, before he even

was in office. They had shownus all or at least I'm I guess
I'm the oldest side of the group. They had shown me a wiener in
a book for fourth grade. Sexsaid starts in Portland Public schools, or
at least it did back in theday. I did not go to Portland
Public School till I was a seventhand seventh grade Yeah, he probably missed
the whole thing, so I don'tremember any of that. Yeah, And

I remember because I was, youknow, already a big mouth and I
was like, well, what ifyou have to pete during sex? And
he had to explain that that's nota thing. And I was like,
but I had sex said in highschool. I remember that was my sophomore
year. I had sex said then. And then they go another level and
it was very Yeah, it waspretty like it was like already in deep
side a butthole. It was prettyin detail. But I don't remember seeing

like I never saw pictures of abody spin down a well. Yeah,
oh my god. I remember inthe eighth grade they showed me or they
showed us a pregnancy video and itwas right. Yeah, I think I've
told this story before, but itwas right before lunch. That was the
class right before lunch, and literallyit's like none of us are hungry anything.
The bells ready to ring, likewe're getting to the point where the

kids are lining up in front ofthe door waiting for that bell to ring
so we can just go to lunch. And the teacher goes, oh,
wait a second, I forgot toshow you a video, and she rolls
in the big vhschin you know VHSmachine and the big TV on that stand,
and she pops it in. Didn'twarn us that, hey, this
is a birth video, this isgraphic or anything. She didn't say anything.
She just popped it in hit play. And it took me a second

to realize what I was saying becauseit was a vagina, legs spread and
then all of a sudden, justlike a waterfall broke. So I'm guessing
your pizza pocket was hard to eatafter that. Couldn't even eat the egg
rolls that day. Yeah, Ihave legs. Do you think they do
that to try to discourage people fromhaving sex, because like it's like,
if you have sex, this iswhat's gonna happen to you. In the

nineties, that was the thing.That's why the girls had to walk around.
Back when I was in school,they'd walk around baby bag of flower
that they built. My school hadthe actual babies. They were little robotic
babies, and those were two andmy buddy did My buddy Dan pushed a
pile of books off on some girl'sbaby because he was mad and they had

like motion detectors in him, sohe threw them around. They would you
would fail, and he was like, she was being a bitch to him,
and he was being a dick toher, and he walked out of
class and just shoved like four textbookson top of this baby, and she,
of course just started crying immediately,like it was very traumatic, I
remember for her. And all theguys thought it was funny. But they

split us up in our in ourclass. So in sixth grade, I
remember this. Everybody knew it wascoming, but nobody knew when. So
we all had a health class andit was like half the class went to
health for part of the year andthe other class did pe and then you
switched. And sometime in that healthclass they split the guys and the girls
up, and the girls went totalk about their periods and the guys went
and learned everything that we'd ever needto know for the rest of our lives.

And I always remember it. Withevery class. It was like the
girls would not talk to the boysafter that because they were telling them,
like, they'll get you pregnant,They'll give you disease, they will ruin
your wife. Is anybody we cameout high fiving, and they came out
anti guy like. And I wentto a private Christian school, so I
mean my education was basically like,don't do it. Sex is even real?

Yeah, so it was kind of. It was very much. And
also my sex ed teacher was eightyyears old and she wrote the curriculum like
what you know, but you do. Though, if you want to get
back these girls for ignoring you andgo ice mode, Marcus, you should
have shook every one of those fakebabies. My favorite part about those babies

was watching people try to learn howto hack them into Like one guy,
you know, there's a there's ababy you put in its mouth and you
have to turn it and hold itor else it doesn't stop crying. And
I remember seeing one of my buddieswalk into wrestling practice with this baby and
he had the binkie like tied aroundits foot so that it stayed turned and
he just left it like that forthe entire semester. And the baby never

cried. So he's a terrible parrotnow, but he was smart and help.
Yeah, but imagine like you ninegirls just failed because apparently you absolutely
abused this baby for like forty fiveminutes at lunch. Yes, no,
I did not. No, youshook the crap out of it. The
microchip says it was. I wouldassume that that's definitely an old an old

person. Yeah, I don't know, still teaching. And I also remember
in high school because this was myfirst sex ed class in my sophomore year.
I remember being very irritated because wehad to This was the I remember
my class was the first class thatwere doing the tests on the computer.
So these it was this new computersystem that they set up, and it

was a way to take some sexualeducation class on what's appropriate what's not appropriate?
Yeah, and I remember every singlequestion, every single one, one
hundred percent of the questions was ifa boy does this to you, if
a boy touches you this way,if a boy does that, And at
that time, that was not myexperience. Yeah, because pomping that idea
into people's heads. My experience wasthe complete opposite. I was stating this

girl when I was a freshman,and you know, like I was a
virgin at the time, and shewas super like she was like super like
a dude, right, Like Ididn't want to. I was in my
head with the religious stuff and allthis. She's reaching for your junk,
and I just remember, it wasthe complete opposite, like experience. Yeah,
And so I mentioned it casually,just like not like complaining, just
casually mentioned it to the health teacher, and she fucking turned on me.

She wasn't feeling that. From thenon out, I was not her favorite
ever. Like I was, like, you were the chairman of no ma'am.
I just said, I go,I go, why is every every
question is about a dude being apiece of shit? Yeah? You know,
like what for one, what areyou teaching the girls here? Right?
Yeah? Like can I understand aboutprotecting yourself? That's not what I'm
talking about. But the test wasbasically boys or shitheads stay away from them.

And you know, I bet shewas jaded. I mean, I'm
say from my own experience that thethe nightmare that we put our health teacher
through was so aggressive that at onepoint the only time in my life where
a door opened behind me in themiddle of class and I turned around and
my mother was standing in the healthclass and I was in the world of

hurt because of questions that are morerisky than yours right there, but always
pushing the envelope. So by thetime she got to you, she was
probably thought you were fucking with heror something, and when you were,
you just wanted an answer. AndI, because I was kind of not
offended, but like, I don'tthat's that wasn't my reality, right and
I and I really was having ahard time wrapping my head around it.
And uh, you know, shejust turned on me, dude, she

turned on me. She's like,no, no, son, you must
be mistaken. All men are shipsso good. And she was a lesbian.
She was a lesbian teacher. Soyeah, I don't know if that
had anything to do with it ornot, but I never know. I'm
sorry, what I think your healthteacher just hacked, Marcus. It's getting

all sorts of glitchy on us.I don't know what's happening, all right,
See you later, Marcus. Yeah, I'm getting that on my side
too. He was having here.We were having this problem last night.
We were playing games because we usedthe exact same thing that we're using now
to talk is what we used toplay games and talk to each other on.
And he was having all sorts ofissues. Well, hopefully it sounds

better now got his internet and Pat. I'm gonna lose my ship. I'm
gonna lose my whole ship. Hewas doing this every single ship. I
don't know why, but when Marcusmelts down, I just I can't help
but laugh. It makes me happy. When I hear him melt down,
I'll just say he'll, he'll hearHe'll like, won't hear a thing from
me? And just all of asudden, the faint giggle in the background.
Last night was tough too, becauseI was having these problems. Both

of us were playing like shit.We were rage quitting out of games like
it was. We shouldn't have playedlast night. We should have just gotten
on the phone and had a nicecoming to hang it up. He's right,
we were rage quitting. He justget so bad, you're like the
team's losing. I'm not going toput myself through this fucking rage quit.
That's not proud of it. ButI did it anyway. Where were we

we were coming out of health classand into video games. We're talking about
why you're a lesbian teacher hated menso much. Happy National Masturbation Month to
you and yours. Oh excuse me, Ricky, Ricky, I did see
what you were doing. It feltgood, didn't it. It's all right.
We all have feelings like this sometimes. I'm just glad you're doing this

in the privacy of your own room. That is a real documentary about masturbations
in like the fifties or so awkward. I don't love we do not like
I'm glad you weren't beating off inthe kitchen. Brian. Well, then
then when mom says it feels good, doesn't it? Oh? Marcus,

did your mom ever walk in onyou? Fappen? No? I was
real lucky that I got walked inon by a friend one time. I
didn't know. He'd come over tomy house and I was in my room
and he just walked in, youknow. And I was like, probably
junior high maybe freshman year, butnever had that with the parents because I
was like, this is you hearabout all the birds? And the beest

conversations that everybody's dad had with himor mom or whoever went with and I
was terrified of that from the wordgo. I didn't want to have it.
I didn't want to think about it, and so I tried to keep
everything related to sex. However,it worked its way into my life as
far away from my interaction with myparents as I possibly could, which probably

isn't the healthiest way to go aboutit. But I didn't have to have
that talk until a lot later.I don't know. I'd never asked my
parents if they thought I was justweird because I never came up. But
it was like I was just likeevery other young group of you know,
junior high aged boys. Yeah,everything was about sex at that age,
but when my parents were around,I shut it down because I didn't want

to deal with that. You know. I never had to talk with my
mom either. Was just me andmy mom, and she never set me
down and had the birds and thebees, So I didn't Nobody does that.
But I wish. I do wish, and like I don't wish because
I like Marcus, I'm like,that's so awkward. I want to avoid
this. I don't want to talkto my parents about this, you know.
But I do wish my mother wouldhave told me anything, because I

learned everything from misconceptions and things Ihad heard from other people, and like,
you know what I thought it shouldbe like, and I don't think
it did me any fun. Ithink it's good to have a relationship with
your parents like that, because youdon't want them to be so in my
head, I wouldn't want them tobe so terrified they don't talk to me
right, you know, Like beefWater's daughter, they've got such a good
relationship. She talks to him abouteverything, and that's what I would want,

so I would I wouldn't want tobring it up to be awkward,
but like, hey, don't worryabout it. I'm not going to get
mad coming from somebody you trust insteadof learning about it on the especially these
days, like what you what kidsare seeing on social media and everything else,
It's like I can come straight fromthe source, you know. I
mean, I'm so grateful I didn'thave just to click away access to porno
when I was ten, you knowwhat I mean, Like that's not good

for kids. But even Casey says, and I truly believe in this that
there's a lane for certain things likeI'm not here to talk about your vagina.
And if you remember, Casey saysthe same thing, those items are
for mom. Sure, fine,all that other stuff can be for you,
but when you're I want to beopen, like so I don't care
about like I'm not grossed out byvagina stuff. But it's when you don't

question about how that ship workd yougo to your mom instead. But my
point is is just I want themto feel like they can, yeah,
talk about anything. And we havea very wide open family in that facet,
but like I didn't, my momand dad never once brought it up
to me. Never, And nowI don't think that's the healthiest form.

But I'm not sure they were gonnateach me something I wasn't learning at school.
I wasn't learning in the Hustler Christmasedition. I know it's it's probably
a fifty to fifty thing. Ifeel like because I've had a lot of
my friends say they absolutely had theconversations and a lot that say they don't,
and then moms should talk to agirl. If they can't, Mom's
available. I think it's more modernnow where it's probably not a lot of
conversations going on as it used tobe. Like I think it probably was.

Like I even think, like withdoctors, if a woman can have
or a girl can have a girldoctor, they understand your body, right,
I should have a dude doctor ifI if I want to talk Wieners,
Lord, you don't think so Iget me thinking like it was just
more old fashioned and getting back then, yeah, which is why I think
people didn't talk about it. It'slike, oh, that's very sex taboo.

You know. That's why my momdidn't talk about it. She's like,
well, I don't I don't wantyou to do it ever talked about
conversation of them like the old fastbirds in the bees conversation that's like wonder
your stuff. Yeah, and Imaybe and maybe our parents had that conversation
and it was awkward and they didn'tpass it on. Well, I think
guaranteed that I think, like forme, I think my mom's parents probably

didn't talk to her about it,and she had sex with one person and
that was my dad, and soyou know, it's just like things are
just going to keep going the waythey've been going for forever because this is
how I've raised. My parents haveonly slept with one person, too,
so we are not the greatest samplefor that. I want to know how
often do people have one partner intheir whole life? Not? Not these
days? Not. I don't liketo know why my mom has never talked

to me about the birds and thebees, to be honest, because I
grew up all fucked up because ofit, probably because it's awkward. I
want to ask her though, like, Ma, why did you never sit
me down and talk to me aboutLachina's and be like, this is what
you do? Look for the littleman in the boat grows your mom telling

you about the little Hey, Mama, Hi, huh what are you doing?
I just got an ultrasound of myliver? Oh, is anything all
right? Do you want to talkabout that later? Okay? Do you
want to talk about that later?Is everything okay? Well? I don't

know what's going on. So theyjust saw a little need to have my
liver looked at, and I guessi'll get the results tomorrow. All right,
Well, let me know about that. Said stuff like that. Yeah,
I think it's probably just precautionary,but it still makes me nervous.
We were just one more soul.We were just talking on the show mom
about this month is National masturbation month. It's not national based and masturbas in

months? Is it? Certainly is? It certainly is since nineteen ninety five.
Check the calendar. It's been athing since the nineties. No,
why does it say that this isthis month? Is on that calendar over
there? Or maybe I'll have itright here and I'll tell you what.
May day's a distress call. Idon't think it's going to be on that
calendar you have, mom. Yes, it has a nice puppy dog with
some flowers. Nothing about masturbased happydog. What does your calendar say it

is? Mom? I got aflower for you? You know what I'm
saying. What does it say?Let me see hold, I'm gonna find
it. I just saw it earlier. I just saw it earlier somewhere where

Take your time, Mom, it'sNational masturbation Harry Harry Harry Harry Potter days.
That's just one day. The wholemonth is National Masturbation Month. Get
a whole month. Yeah, well, gosh, I don't think you know,
you're just going to have a funtime. You haven't been celebrating.

Oh my god, you're you're theone who my gosh, have you what
your drawer look like? Yeah,it's full of dura cels. You're not
wrong. Everything is my mom's business. By the way, everything I would
talk to your mom about this stuff. Well, I want to know,

uh. First off, happy NationalMasturbation Month? Do you mama? Thanks?
Does she remember your big moment?I'm sure from your birthday? Does
since we talked about it today,not ask her straight about it, you
know the direct I'd rather not askher about it. But we're I mean,
we're here. Mom. Look whatdo you remember on my Do you

remember my can I go? Go? Do you remember on my fourteenth birthday?
Do you remember that? No?Nba jam you don't remember walking into
my room and catching me? No, I don't remember that. I pressed
because she tries to block it outof her mind. It was just as

awkward for her as it was blockedit out. I had to have blocked
it out because I have no recallof that. Well, you caught him
choking the chicken. Yeah, thankyou, Laura, Thank you for Heaven's
sake. It was my little thingat the time, it was just a
little thing. It was just,she says. He I think she said

it. Mom on my fourteenth birthday. You probably don't remember, but uh,
you walked in to give me acopy of NBA Jam that Mimi had
sent me, and you caught me, uh, masturbating for the very first
time. Well, like I said, it was just you know, itty

bitty, it really didn't matter atthe time. So you know, it
was like, do you remember whatyou said to me? Uh? Huh?
You said, is this where youwant to be when Jesus comes back?
Ah? She's proud of that question. Solid question. It is a
solid question, Mom, when Jesuscomes back. I don't think so.

So did you still get a copyof the game or to walk out with?
She threw it at me, boom, she spiked it on. You
can I scar you? Did?Scar you from your masturbating dreams? No,
it wasn't a dream, Mom,I was actually doing it. And
yes, I didn't do it forlike six months after that game was all
sticky. You recovered events. Somebodyhas to throw something at him, which

gets weird. I can't, Ican't do it. The copy of it
old game. He didn't stop.Yeah, threats about Jesus get it done.
Yeah, I can't. I canonly masturbate with gospel songs on the
radio. Oh, please get it. I'm glad you don't remember that.
I'm really glad you don't remember that. But let me ask you this,

mom. Why did I, Iuh, never get to talk about the
birds and the bees with you?We what? Oh gosh, you were
so demented. I think that youknow, we probably talked a little bit,
but you know, I don't rememberanything. I remember you ever talking

about sex to me. Well maybeit's because I don't know why. I
don't know. Because of that,I had to be raised on pornograph images,
mom, I had to be raisedyears to get a proper idea what
a woman want. Mom, Ihad to I was raised on you should

have seen the stuff he was doing. And I was raised on cherry Barbie
dolls. Let's get the truth out. Barbie dolls. What about Oh what
about barbies? They don't have theproper anatomy though. Yeah, when I
was a little young, I usedto, like you, seeing the boobs
of the barbies, but they didn'thave anything. Well, hey, why
not? He used to like todress them and undress them. How did

you even have barbe It was hers. I think there were hers barbie hanging
around. I don't know where theycame. There were year old barbies.
Oh maybe they were Yeah, theywere garage sale barbie. Yeah. I
played with my mom's barbies as akid. Hey, you're a well rounded
adult. Yeah, I don't knowabout that. At least you weren't cutting

them in half. You know,I did destroy my mom's stuff. Bear
though, Remember that, mom,when I find I found your like raggedy
an doll in the closet and Ijust ripped the arms and legs off of
it. You ripped off of it, the arms and legs off your raggedy
an doll. And it's because younever talked about the birds and the bees

with me, and I had justa way to get out my aggression payback.
Uh. Well, sorry, youknow the virgin be saying, you
know, I'm actually grateful. I'mactually grateful you didn't do that because so
awkward. I don't know how muchI would have really learned, because you
know what am I gonna I don'tknow what am I going to learn from

my mom about that? I knowI would have deflected so hard that it
wouldn't have worked like a respect alady. Well, I was raised with
all women I had. I wasjust raised by I had no been men
in my life except for my uncles, and that was rare. So I
mean that was pushing to me,early slapped into me. Early excuse me,
because it was in the South.It made you a nicer person,

you know, with feelings and stuff. Yeah, that's true. In touch
with you, I have too manyemotions. I lived with a house full
of ladies, and there's a lotof emotion involved. I'm almost too much.
Let's just be honest, just aconstant such thing. Too much is
never enough to No, he gotyou know, No, he was loved

on and kissed on all his allthe time. He was so cute.
I was babied by all Southern women, which is why I'm a pussy.
You were not, but you werea cute kid. I probably would cuddle
the ship out of you too.I don't know what happened, Oh I
know it. And I had peoplewould stop me in the mall and say,

oh, you had the most treatedbaby ever, and they have their
own kids sitting run there. Iremember. I remember they would touch my
hair a lot, because back thenI had spirals like, my curls are
so intense. And then I remembernot liking that, like people would touch
my hair, yeah, because it'sright. They would talk about it,
and and I would tell them,oh, we don't want to, you

know, he didn't like to talkabout his hair. I was embarrassed.
Oh the girls are going to getyou. Oh the girls are gonna do
And that's scared when they would tellme that. And then about four days
later, we were driving in thecar and you were real quiet, and
all of a sudden, you said, what are those girls going to do
when they catch me? Mom?That's when I had our birds and the

beat off and shut up back.I do think it's weird when like adults
tell either like little boys or littlegirls, like, oh you're going to
be a heartbreaker. It's like he'sfour, what do you say. I
had no idea what you were talkingabout, you know, And I just
remember that freaked me out. Ithought it was going to be attacked all
the time. Yeah right. Andthen people just like strangers would just touch

my hair at the grocery store andI fucking hated it. Sorry, sorry,
mama, that's right. Think ofthose memories strangers knuckles in your head
and sorry mom, sorry, Yeah, I didn't like them touching his hair
either. But then one time hewas in the we were in the bedgie
section of the store, and thenhe yells out, mom, my penis

is hard. That was last hesaid. It was stiff. That is
what I hear you laughing, Marcus. What you never talked about your stiff?
Never yelled at them, Wait tillI was in the dairy section.

That's what I would let every Yeah. Well, I think when I had
good it was like probably the peaboner that hurt, is my guess.
And you're probably holding it too long. Yeah, yeah, those are wicked.
I mean we started, trust me, this shows this show took a
turn for worse around seven a m. Yeah exactly. I mean we opened

with Happy Masturbation Month. How didyou think this was gonna go? Yeah?
Exactly too. But I love Ilove you very much, Mama.
I'm I actually am grateful. Idon't remember having the Birds and Beast talk
with you, you know, Iat least maybe she did. I don't
remember it. Look at this noneof us had it and we all ended
up fine. Speak for yourself.Yeah, I was going to say,
I don't know that. I'm fine. I don't know, but we know

how to do it. I've doneit right now. The difference is that
now he wants the girls to attackhim, of course, and they don't
care. Nobody can drink the tables. I've missed all right, mam.
I love you, Hey, Ilove you to it. I have to
say, I got your package yesterday. Thank you. You're welcome. Waiting

for Mother's Day, you missed it. I'm getting but I was freezing and
he said I'll take care of that, and he sent me over an electric
through blanket. Look at that.I love you, Mama. I'll talk
to you rather have money. Money, I'll call you later. Mom.

She's the one. And honestly,the secondary market on that blanket is not
bad. Check it out. It'slike, what's that blanket I got?
You? Have you heard of offerup? Yeah, it's gone exactly all
right. I think that's it forus today. Tomorrow, one more pair
of tickets to see the Rolling Stonesand we're going to play the four.

We're gonna hook up some lazy boywhile will happen four will happen at seven.
I was gonna get all that,but if you guys we're going to
do We got Culprit show. Weonly get Marcus for four more minutes,
so we're just working through it.Transport Show terminated. You've been listening to
Tanner, Drew and Laura's Donkey Show, heard daily at one oh five nine

the brew dot com. May Godhave mercy on all of our souls.
Advertise With Us

Popular Podcasts

Dateline NBC
Stuff You Should Know

Stuff You Should Know

If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.

Music, radio and podcasts, all free. Listen online or download the iHeart App.


© 2024 iHeartMedia, Inc.