Good Manners Matter

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Episode Transcript

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Thank you for joining me. I'mRabbi David Lyon from Congregation Beth Israel in
Houston. I'm the Sabbath. WhenI welcome a couple to the Beemah,
the central place for worship in thesynagogue, they come for a blessing before
their wedding day, I refer totheir home as a mikhdoshmah art, which
in Hebrew means a small sanctuary thatis wholly to God, Torah and our

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people. It means that one ofthe most important places in the Jewish community
is our home where Jewish life haslived, modeled, and celebrate. As
I sometimes say, if Judiasm isn'thappening at home, it isn't happening.
That's how much we depend on whollyJewish homes for the Jewish future. Your
homes are wholly two and more waysthan just religious ones. Your rules in

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your home that family members in gessobay right good guests of an ass where
they should sit in the living roomor at the table for dinner. Yes,
they ask because they honor your boundariesand your sacred spaces. Naturally,
the synagogue has sacred spaces. They'reset apart for special purposes. Too.

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For example, the sanctuary Beama,originally built in my synagogue in the late
nineteen sixties, reflected the expectation thathigher meant holier. Many stairs lead to
the top where we lead services from. Just a few years ago. We
completed the last remodel, however,to make our email also more accessible and
reflective of our goal, not toemphasize it higher is holier, but rather

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that holy is everywhere. Now welead services from a lower Beama position and
without covid. I actually prefer tostand among the congregation very often to deliver
a Sabbath message. The familiarity ofthe place brings us closer to each other
physically and spiritually. But it appearsthat we might have paid a high price

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for such emiliarity. I'll explain.On the Sabbath before or after services,
bitsitors to our sanctuary had been knownto allow their young children to climb the
stairs and run around the bema.We actually have to tell visitors not to
take pictures with their cell phones orshine their camera lights at us. I

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could go on. It's sometimes astounding. Some time ago, on a Friday
night when services were beginning, someone'sphone rang three times during the worship services.
It was difficult to know where itwas coming from, but each time
someone silenced it. When the serviceended, a woman rushed up to see
me. I'm so sorry, shesaid, but it wasn't my phone,

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it was my alarm to tell methat it was time to take my medicine.
I replied, very patiently, thankyou for telling me, But I
have a question for you. Didyou take your medicine? Many years ago,
I remember a day when I wasthe rabbinic intern at a very famous
and special synegague called Isaac m WiseTemple in Cincinnati. It was High Holy

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Days at Plum Street Temple and Iwas the only clergy quote unquote still a
rabbinic in turn there to lead onbehalf the temple. It was a temple
built by Isaac m Wise. It'sa magnificent example of Moor's style architecture,
with eighty foot ceilings and lavish detailthroughout. The beama was a very significant

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setting. On it were ornate chairsoriginal to the temple and some tasteful folding
chairs to accommodicate the large group ofleaders who joint on the beama that day.
As it was my responsibility to showeveryone to their seat on the beama,
those who had seats of honor.I gestured to a folding chair for
a lay leader to be seated.She looked at me and asked, is

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this a seat of honor? Ireplied, quickly and politely, every seat
on the Beama is a seat ofhonor. She never sat down so quickly.
Why do I remember that day?I remember it because it was my
responsibility to honor the be me andeverything we would do there. Whether bema
was high or low, whether thechairs were regal or regular, what we

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came to do their mattered before thecongregation and before God, and whether or
not somebody believed in God or therituals that we were doing there. Nobody
misunderstood that they were in a holyplace worthy of respect. Much of what
we know about holy places and sacredboundaries comes from the Book of Leviticus,

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the Book of Torah we often readin the spring months. It's a priestly
book, so called because it addressesmatters of holy and unholy things within holy
boundaries. The Israelites availed themselves orrewards for good works of others, respect
for common courtesies and God's blessings,were doing what was right and good.

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Only when they failed to uphold holyboundaries did they suffer any consequences. In
the Torah, the consequences were biblicalin nature, but it didn't preclude public
notice and expectations for compensation due tothe community. In Leviticus thirteen, verse
forty five, the man who wasidentified as unholy had to walk around the

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town and call out unclean unclean.The purpose was for him to take responsibility
for his affliction and to caution othersagainst being affected by him. The Bible
is ancient, but it's not archaicin its purpose to outline holy boundaries.
They were meant to enable a communityof people to share the best they could

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have, to glean from daily lifeall they could know, and to believe
that if they honored such boundaries,they might be honored by God's blessings too.
The biblical lesson isn't lost on us, even if we live centuries and
centuries after it was written. Itisn't lost on us because we thrive on
the same human need to be honored, not just because we exist, but

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because we seek acceptance. We wanta seat at the table, and when
it's all said and done, wewant our good name to endure for us
the challenges that boundaries between holy andand holy, between sacred and profane have
become blurred. Even when the place, the boundary, and the purpose are

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clear, there are still times whenthey fail to be honored. What then,
Like the biblical example, public displaysof gross or inappropriate behavior follow people.
Their reputation is affected long after theevent, until such time that they
make amends. But even the threatof a charnished reputation is enough for some.

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It's difficult to teach the unteachable howto behave when they enter holy places
like a house of worship or someoneelse's home, so if our standards are
too high for them. There's anotherHebrew that gets to the root of common
expectations. The term is derekheretz.It literally means the way of the land,

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or simply put, good manners.Every home, every house of worship,
and every establishment we enter as expectationsfor good manners, and every such
place relies on us to be astudent enough to understand that derekheretz good manners
isn't just a rule imposed on usby others. It's a willingness to behave

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properly For the sake of the goodname we want to earn for ourselves in
places we share with others. Ina rapidly changing world that takes many of
its cues from social media, Iurge us not to lower our standards.
I urge us to honor holiness athome, in any house of worship,

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and in public places where Derekheretz goodmanners still matter. I also urge us
to give persons who are still learningtheir way and earning their good name every
opportunity to come up, as itwere, to sacred places at sacred times.
I know that you also have sacredplaces in your life. I have

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visited many churches and mosques, offices, hospitals, conference rooms, people's homes,
and each one carries its own setof rules. So to speak,
to inquire, or at least becurious about what is expected of me in
this place. It is at myhome. It isn't my house of worship,
it is at my office? Whatis expected? May I sit here?

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May I have this? May Ienjoy this? Where's the rest room?
All of these questions reflect on whowe are seeking to know, how
to behave in a certain place that'suncommon to us, and how to be
respectable of a place that belongs tosomebody else, especially a house of worship.

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Children, teenagers, young adults,and those who are strangers there should
always be mindful to discover how dopeople behave, what do people do there?
How can I show my respect fora place that is new to me.
I bring it up because very oftenwe do have children or teenagers who

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attend our house of worship, perhapseven to observe the bar mitzvah of a
friend of theirs. They talk,they use their phones, they put their
feet up, they make themselves muchmore comfortable than they should. But as
much as we want them to feelat home, it isn't their home.
It is a sacred place where evenI, who am very much at home

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there, also mind my boundaries too, to be sure to be dressed appropriately,
to act appropriately, to handle ritualitems with care and concern, and
to reflect that for others as well. In your house of worship, think
about the way you enter, whatyou touch, what you say differently there

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than you would say anywhere else,and how you expect to be made to
feel in the experience that you sharethere with others, and what you take
with you when you leave, buteven closer to home. Literally, think
about the house where others come tojoin you. Do you allow people to
wear their shoes in your home,to put their feet on the table,

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to take food from the refrigerator withoutasking? Think about the simple rules that
you have in your home, andmaybe in effect they aren't so simple.
They actually reflect boundaries that help youand others know your place and appreciate and
respect which you have created there.Dereheret's good manners continue to reflect on who

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we are and who we aim tobe. But if we are grown already
and have found our way by honoringand respecting good manners in all the places
that we go, what can wedo to help young people do the same.
I don't want to blame social mediaentirely, but perhaps even on social
media, we can place boundaries andguardrails for ourselves and others by choosing to

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use our words better than we do, not to be reactive to statements and
images that we see on the Internet, but rather to pause to look for
the truth and to consider how wemight behave in that social setting as well.
In the eleventh century, Bahia EbenPapoota talk our days are like scrolls

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right at them. What you wantto be remembered? So what do you
want others to remember about you?They answer to that question begins right now,
if it hasn't already for you.Our days are like scrolls, which
was bahia Eben Paputa's reaction to thetechnology he had. We don't write our
thoughts or comments on scrolls anymore.About the proverbial scroll that he addresses is

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really the torah because all is containedwithin it, and where we today make
our mark as much more permanent thanit ever was when our thoughts or reputation
were recorded in someone's memory or ina book or on a piece of paper.
Today, whatever we write, whereverwe go, whatever we say on

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the internet or social media, becomesa permanent record. There's no temporary nature
about it. It is permanent.And therefore what we write and share and
send and text becomes a permanent recordof who we are and what we're doing.
What is a sacred boundary that wewant to maintain so that others constantly

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have the right impression of who weare. It's a good question to ask,
but first it has to be importantto you and to me that we
care about the answer to that questionwhere we ride in what we say,
whether it's a scroll or the internet, must continue to be an question we
put in front of us and infront of others. And maybe if you're

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guiding children today, that is thequestion to ask. Our days are like
scrolls, Our days are like permanentreminders on the internet, right on them
what you only want to be remembered? So what do they and we want
to be remembered about today and inthe future. I do believe that the

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answer begins right now, and sowe have so much to do as we
reflect on where we're going in otherpeople's homes or houses of worship or offices,
and certainly all the places that wego on the Internet. I'm Rabbi
David Lyon from Congregation Beth Israel inHouston. To listen again or share this
message, please find it at mypodcast called Heart to Heart with Rabbi David

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Lyon. You can find it atSunday Com on the iHeart media app.
The world is changing quickly, movingalong much faster than we can possibly control.
And while boundaries do shift and changeand people are much more casual than
they've ever been, there is nochanging at all. What it means.

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They have a reputation, a goodreputation, a boundary that we said that
is reflective of good manners dereheretz,that helps us to feel welcome wherever we
go. And then the words thatwe write on the internet are always an
invitation for people to want to spendmore time with us, not less.
And so as the week unfolds foryou, be mindful of your steps,

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be even more mindful of your words, to be sure that you're always welcome
with a good name, a goodreputation in all the places you go and
share with others. Have a goodweek. I hope it's cool, RESTful,
in good health and always in peace.