January 7, 2024 • 12 mins
Last episode we jumped right into preseason training camp and conditioning ourselves to image the relationship we desire. We started diving into the inner work, from a mentality standpoint. This week, I want to dig a little further. We’re staying with conditioning and self-care, but I want to chat a little about lists.
When it comes to football, I equate lists to building your roster. This means mapping out the player (or players) you want on your team. For our purposes ladies, building our list is preseason of getting our rosters in place.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/a-woman-s-playbook-for-dating--6033561/support.
When it comes to football, I equate lists to building your roster. This means mapping out the player (or players) you want on your team. For our purposes ladies, building our list is preseason of getting our rosters in place.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/a-woman-s-playbook-for-dating--6033561/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:16):
Episode two, Ladies and Gentlemen,actually just the ladies, high ladies.
Okay, so last episode we jumpedright into preseason training camp and conditioning ourselves
to imagine the relationship that we desire. We started diving into the inner work
from a mental standpoint. This week, I want to dig a little further.
(00:38):
We're staying with the conditioning and selfcare, but I want to chat
a little bit about lists l Ists. So when it comes to football,
I equate lists to building your roster. This means mapping out the player
or players you want on your team. For our purposes, ladies, building
our list is preseason of getting yourroster. They're in place. Let's talk
(01:02):
a little bit about lists, whythey work and why they don't work.
Okay, how many times have youwritten the list? I know you have
it somewhere, a journal, maybea slip of paper tucked beside your bed,
the note tap in your phone,my hitting on something. Are you
guilty somewhere? Just maybe you've writtena list of your perfect mate. Some
(01:26):
of you may have five or tenthings on this list. Some of you
may have one hundred. Well,I'm not judging you, totally not judging
you. So let's talk first tothe ladies who have written a list before.
If you've never written out a listof your perfect man or what you
will want in a relationship, staytuned on the sidelines. I'm coming right
(01:46):
back to you. I've written mylist quite a few times. I've edited,
deleted, revisited. And when Ifirst started out this work on being
intentional about dating, my list wasobnoxiously long. I'm just gonna be honest
and put it out there, andit was really more from my ego.
If I'm being honest, it wasless about what I actually needed to compliment
(02:07):
me and more about what I thoughtfrom my young minded fantasy, what maybe
I thought was best for me.It may have been best for certain parts
of me, but not the foolme. My earlier list, just to
be honest, were not sustainable.They were all over the place. Girl.
(02:27):
As I worked on myself, that'swhere the editing came into view.
It was no longer a vanity laundrylist of checkpoints. It was more about
alignment. What does my soul need? Who would compliment my life and not
complicate my life? That is mytagline. It's something that I have subscribed
to for years. If you're goingto be in my life, you need
(02:49):
to complament it, not complicate it. Okay, amen. Now, in
football terms, the right roster makesall the difference for the season ahead.
Now you have to have all ofthe right elements to make a winning team.
By rule, NFL teams are onlyallowed fifty three players on their active
roster, and of these fifty threeplayers, only forty six of these guys
(03:14):
can actually dress up and suit upfor the game. From week to week,
who hits the football field shifts andchanges depending on the strategies and the
plays coaching teams have in mind forthat game. So essentially, even if
you're on the team, you maynot suit up every week, and even
if you do suit up, youmay not see any playing time on the
(03:35):
field. In preseason, many decisionsare made regarding rosters and strategies. Some
players rise up and the coaches seetheir potential and slot them into plays.
Sometimes they get midway through securing aprime spot on the team and then bam,
the coaches have a change of heart, a change of mind and send
them to the sidelines. It doesn'tmean they're completely out of the game.
(03:59):
They're just on the sidelines, butFor the most part, teams decide their
roster on the type of offense anddefense they want to play for that game,
and then they fill in the slotsbased on their player positions. For
instance, let's look at this,they may line up two quarterbacks, four
running backs, six wide receivers,three tight ends, nine offensive linemen,
(04:23):
nine defensive linemen, seven linebackers,ten defensive backs, and a partridge and
a pear tree or you keeping upwith those numbers. It takes a lot
to make the magic happen. Rightcarry this week, we're making our list.
(04:45):
We're building a roster of what wewant in our love life. Now,
we're not building a makeshift model ofa person. That is not what
we're doing here. I want usto drill down into the experience of what
we want in our relationships, because, to be honest, it is hard
pressed to find that one person thatfulfills one hundred percent perfectly everything for you.
(05:10):
So many come closed, don't they. I mean, they are checking
off maybe ninety nine percent or eightynine percent of the boxes, but there
could possibly be that one percent thatthey maybe won't fulfilling your life. One
of my favorite quotes is, there'sno such thing as a perfect relationship,
because there's no such thing as aperfect person. So what we're doing here
(05:32):
is building a roster of what wewant to experience in our relationships. And
just like with football rosters, theymay shift and they may change over time.
What works in one week may bean element that is sidelined the next
week. It just varies. There'sa second vote. All right, lady,
(06:00):
we are going to review the tape. So I want you to think
of your last few relationships. Iwant you to make a list of the
factors that drew you to your exmate. Get specific here, drilled down.
No one else has to see thislist, so go ahead and feel
free to write down everything that comesto mind. What was their personality and
a good way a bad way?Did you find some toxic traits to be
(06:26):
alluring in them? I mean,come on, there's a whole community of
us who love a bad boy,right. Was your previous partner dominant in
a way that just lit your fire? Or was he or she passive and
allowed you to steamroll all over them? Were they family oriented and that's something
that you crave. Maybe it wastheir hobbies and interests that drew you to
(06:48):
them. Write it all down.Think about all of the things that attracted
you to the last partner you had. Do you tend to fall for the
same type of person. Is therea common thread when you look back at
your past few relationships? Write thatdown too. Okay, I want to
start here because in this preseason ofour dating journey, we're all in an
(07:12):
evaluation period, evaluating yourself and yourdating preferences. So you're not out here
alone. Let me share one thingthat I've evaluated in my previous relationships.
So listen. I am attracted todominance. A dominant man is my kryptonite.
Someone who takes control, who givesoff an air of confidence that is
just alluring aff It gets me.So I tend to go for men in
(07:38):
positions of power or seemingly positions ofpower. While I'm not saying that this
is a bad thing, I've allowedthese type of men to dominate my voice
and relationships. I lose myself,I lose my power, I forget all
about the badass woman I am,and I cave to whatever these men say.
In addition, with these rose coloredglasses on, I don't see the
(08:00):
fake personas that these dominant men canwear I fail to see that their overdominance
is sometimes a mask overcompensating for theirtrue status in life, work, etc.
Girl, I believe the hype.And when the hype is all just
smoke and mirrors, Oh, girl, do better. So once we've examined
(08:24):
our last relationship or last few relationships, then we can move on to constructing
a list of what we actually wantin our next relationship. In an article
from Psychology Today, researchers outline thebenefits of making list for one. Lists
are useful because they document what weordinarily forget. Additionally, while creating lists,
(08:46):
a new item can act as aretrieval queue for another item. Each
new item on the list can encouragea memory for another important item, and
last lists can help with decision making. Listing reasons for and reasons against a
particular option allow us to perceive thedecisions all at once without having to keep
(09:07):
in mind the entire jumble up ofreason. A few years back, NBC
News ran a story on how touse a love list to find your ideal
romantic partner and Now. This wasbased on a book, The Love List,
A Guide to Getting Who You Wantby Eleanor Morzello. Now similar to
what I said earlier. We sometimesstart off with lists that are just random.
(09:28):
It's like when you're grocery shopping withouta list, and you come home
and think, girl, what didI actually buy? And then you realize
you have a whole bunch of randomthings that don't actually compliment each other.
Then you spend the next few dayspicking up dinner on the way home.
Random just doesn't work out, notwith grocery shopping and certainly not with choosing
(09:48):
the right romantic partner. So aswe dig into crafting our list, also
consider that less is more. It'snot the quantity that counts. It's okay,
let's get to building our roster.Wrap a pen and paper or a
journal, and you can even usethe notes app in your phone. I
(10:09):
want you to free flow, Wright. Don't worry about editing right now.
We will do this shortly. Reflecton things you would like to experience,
things you want your partner to embody, Elements that are important and essential to
you. I want you to considerwhat are your absolute deal breakers? What
are you not willing to compromise on? What are your core values? Think
(10:33):
back to your earlier evaluation of yourprevious relationships. What were areas where you
and your partner not aligned. Whatdo you really really want and won't settle
for? Less on? Now,once you've exhausted your mind of the various
things you want, take a lookat the list. Does it include various
(10:54):
areas of your life? For me, I think of six areas. I
think of spiritual emotion, love,language, lifestyle, and moral qualities.
Of course, I reflect on whatI'm attracted to physically, though, to
be honest, I do give someleniency in this area because I've learned that
sometimes the best gifts I received don'talways come in the same rappings I may
(11:16):
have expected. Okay, now thatyou have brain dumped, let's go back
through the list. Look for someconsistencies, but also look for some inconsistencies.
I want you to refer to yourearlier list from past relationships as guidance
for this new list you're creating.You can look back on the things that
you previously settled on that you willnot allow yourself to settle on again.
(11:41):
You can also realize some gaps inwhat you thought you may have wanted then
and what you really need now.What we're essentially doing is editing down our
roster to what will serve us bestmoving into the next relationship. Having your
new list, it will be yourguide as you move through preseason and into
(12:01):
the game, strategizing as we moveforward, and ladies, that's all about
building the roster, at least that'sthe starting point. Coming up in our
next episode, we're gonna keep divinginto preseason and we're getting ready to go
ahead and head into the regular season. So as always, thank you so
much for tuning in. We're allin this game together. We got this.
(12:24):
You got this. I believe inyou, same team. I'm rooting
for you.
Episode two, Ladies and Gentlemen,actually just the ladies, high ladies.
Okay, so last episode we jumpedright into preseason training camp and conditioning ourselves
to imagine the relationship that we desire. We started diving into the inner work
from a mental standpoint. This week, I want to dig a little further.
(00:38):
We're staying with the conditioning and selfcare, but I want to chat
a little bit about lists l Ists. So when it comes to football,
I equate lists to building your roster. This means mapping out the player
or players you want on your team. For our purposes, ladies, building
our list is preseason of getting yourroster. They're in place. Let's talk
(01:02):
a little bit about lists, whythey work and why they don't work.
Okay, how many times have youwritten the list? I know you have
it somewhere, a journal, maybea slip of paper tucked beside your bed,
the note tap in your phone,my hitting on something. Are you
guilty somewhere? Just maybe you've writtena list of your perfect mate. Some
(01:26):
of you may have five or tenthings on this list. Some of you
may have one hundred. Well,I'm not judging you, totally not judging
you. So let's talk first tothe ladies who have written a list before.
If you've never written out a listof your perfect man or what you
will want in a relationship, staytuned on the sidelines. I'm coming right
(01:46):
back to you. I've written mylist quite a few times. I've edited,
deleted, revisited. And when Ifirst started out this work on being
intentional about dating, my list wasobnoxiously long. I'm just gonna be honest
and put it out there, andit was really more from my ego.
If I'm being honest, it wasless about what I actually needed to compliment
(02:07):
me and more about what I thoughtfrom my young minded fantasy, what maybe
I thought was best for me.It may have been best for certain parts
of me, but not the foolme. My earlier list, just to
be honest, were not sustainable.They were all over the place. Girl.
(02:27):
As I worked on myself, that'swhere the editing came into view.
It was no longer a vanity laundrylist of checkpoints. It was more about
alignment. What does my soul need? Who would compliment my life and not
complicate my life? That is mytagline. It's something that I have subscribed
to for years. If you're goingto be in my life, you need
(02:49):
to complament it, not complicate it. Okay, amen. Now, in
football terms, the right roster makesall the difference for the season ahead.
Now you have to have all ofthe right elements to make a winning team.
By rule, NFL teams are onlyallowed fifty three players on their active
roster, and of these fifty threeplayers, only forty six of these guys
(03:14):
can actually dress up and suit upfor the game. From week to week,
who hits the football field shifts andchanges depending on the strategies and the
plays coaching teams have in mind forthat game. So essentially, even if
you're on the team, you maynot suit up every week, and even
if you do suit up, youmay not see any playing time on the
(03:35):
field. In preseason, many decisionsare made regarding rosters and strategies. Some
players rise up and the coaches seetheir potential and slot them into plays.
Sometimes they get midway through securing aprime spot on the team and then bam,
the coaches have a change of heart, a change of mind and send
them to the sidelines. It doesn'tmean they're completely out of the game.
(03:59):
They're just on the sidelines, butFor the most part, teams decide their
roster on the type of offense anddefense they want to play for that game,
and then they fill in the slotsbased on their player positions. For
instance, let's look at this,they may line up two quarterbacks, four
running backs, six wide receivers,three tight ends, nine offensive linemen,
(04:23):
nine defensive linemen, seven linebackers,ten defensive backs, and a partridge and
a pear tree or you keeping upwith those numbers. It takes a lot
to make the magic happen. Rightcarry this week, we're making our list.
(04:45):
We're building a roster of what wewant in our love life. Now,
we're not building a makeshift model ofa person. That is not what
we're doing here. I want usto drill down into the experience of what
we want in our relationships, because, to be honest, it is hard
pressed to find that one person thatfulfills one hundred percent perfectly everything for you.
(05:10):
So many come closed, don't they. I mean, they are checking
off maybe ninety nine percent or eightynine percent of the boxes, but there
could possibly be that one percent thatthey maybe won't fulfilling your life. One
of my favorite quotes is, there'sno such thing as a perfect relationship,
because there's no such thing as aperfect person. So what we're doing here
(05:32):
is building a roster of what wewant to experience in our relationships. And
just like with football rosters, theymay shift and they may change over time.
What works in one week may bean element that is sidelined the next
week. It just varies. There'sa second vote. All right, lady,
(06:00):
we are going to review the tape. So I want you to think
of your last few relationships. Iwant you to make a list of the
factors that drew you to your exmate. Get specific here, drilled down.
No one else has to see thislist, so go ahead and feel
free to write down everything that comesto mind. What was their personality and
a good way a bad way?Did you find some toxic traits to be
(06:26):
alluring in them? I mean,come on, there's a whole community of
us who love a bad boy,right. Was your previous partner dominant in
a way that just lit your fire? Or was he or she passive and
allowed you to steamroll all over them? Were they family oriented and that's something
that you crave. Maybe it wastheir hobbies and interests that drew you to
(06:48):
them. Write it all down.Think about all of the things that attracted
you to the last partner you had. Do you tend to fall for the
same type of person. Is therea common thread when you look back at
your past few relationships? Write thatdown too. Okay, I want to
start here because in this preseason ofour dating journey, we're all in an
(07:12):
evaluation period, evaluating yourself and yourdating preferences. So you're not out here
alone. Let me share one thingthat I've evaluated in my previous relationships.
So listen. I am attracted todominance. A dominant man is my kryptonite.
Someone who takes control, who givesoff an air of confidence that is
just alluring aff It gets me.So I tend to go for men in
(07:38):
positions of power or seemingly positions ofpower. While I'm not saying that this
is a bad thing, I've allowedthese type of men to dominate my voice
and relationships. I lose myself,I lose my power, I forget all
about the badass woman I am,and I cave to whatever these men say.
In addition, with these rose coloredglasses on, I don't see the
(08:00):
fake personas that these dominant men canwear I fail to see that their overdominance
is sometimes a mask overcompensating for theirtrue status in life, work, etc.
Girl, I believe the hype.And when the hype is all just
smoke and mirrors, Oh, girl, do better. So once we've examined
(08:24):
our last relationship or last few relationships, then we can move on to constructing
a list of what we actually wantin our next relationship. In an article
from Psychology Today, researchers outline thebenefits of making list for one. Lists
are useful because they document what weordinarily forget. Additionally, while creating lists,
(08:46):
a new item can act as aretrieval queue for another item. Each
new item on the list can encouragea memory for another important item, and
last lists can help with decision making. Listing reasons for and reasons against a
particular option allow us to perceive thedecisions all at once without having to keep
(09:07):
in mind the entire jumble up ofreason. A few years back, NBC
News ran a story on how touse a love list to find your ideal
romantic partner and Now. This wasbased on a book, The Love List,
A Guide to Getting Who You Wantby Eleanor Morzello. Now similar to
what I said earlier. We sometimesstart off with lists that are just random.
(09:28):
It's like when you're grocery shopping withouta list, and you come home
and think, girl, what didI actually buy? And then you realize
you have a whole bunch of randomthings that don't actually compliment each other.
Then you spend the next few dayspicking up dinner on the way home.
Random just doesn't work out, notwith grocery shopping and certainly not with choosing
(09:48):
the right romantic partner. So aswe dig into crafting our list, also
consider that less is more. It'snot the quantity that counts. It's okay,
let's get to building our roster.Wrap a pen and paper or a
journal, and you can even usethe notes app in your phone. I
(10:09):
want you to free flow, Wright. Don't worry about editing right now.
We will do this shortly. Reflecton things you would like to experience,
things you want your partner to embody, Elements that are important and essential to
you. I want you to considerwhat are your absolute deal breakers? What
are you not willing to compromise on? What are your core values? Think
(10:33):
back to your earlier evaluation of yourprevious relationships. What were areas where you
and your partner not aligned. Whatdo you really really want and won't settle
for? Less on? Now,once you've exhausted your mind of the various
things you want, take a lookat the list. Does it include various
(10:54):
areas of your life? For me, I think of six areas. I
think of spiritual emotion, love,language, lifestyle, and moral qualities.
Of course, I reflect on whatI'm attracted to physically, though, to
be honest, I do give someleniency in this area because I've learned that
sometimes the best gifts I received don'talways come in the same rappings I may
(11:16):
have expected. Okay, now thatyou have brain dumped, let's go back
through the list. Look for someconsistencies, but also look for some inconsistencies.
I want you to refer to yourearlier list from past relationships as guidance
for this new list you're creating.You can look back on the things that
you previously settled on that you willnot allow yourself to settle on again.
(11:41):
You can also realize some gaps inwhat you thought you may have wanted then
and what you really need now.What we're essentially doing is editing down our
roster to what will serve us bestmoving into the next relationship. Having your
new list, it will be yourguide as you move through preseason and into
(12:01):
the game, strategizing as we moveforward, and ladies, that's all about
building the roster, at least that'sthe starting point. Coming up in our
next episode, we're gonna keep divinginto preseason and we're getting ready to go
ahead and head into the regular season. So as always, thank you so
much for tuning in. We're allin this game together. We got this.
(12:24):
You got this. I believe inyou, same team. I'm rooting
for you.
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