January 14, 2024 • 29 mins
Episode three is all about learning your attachment style, healing any trauma in this area of your relationship behaviors and also how to “choose a partner that chooses you”. Essentially, we’re now into the “drafting season” of our “Women’s Playbook for Dating”.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
All right, we are rolling on. We're back with another episode, episode
four, and I'm sure you're like, hey, is this where we get
to get out and onto the field. I'm ready, coach, Put me
in, Put me in, coach, Easy tiger, Easy Tiger. We're
not quite there yet. The lasttwo episodes have been about self care,
(00:22):
conditioning, visioning, making our list, and roster building, and we've set
a decent foundation and in this episodewe'll continue building on that. Episode three
is all about learning your attachment style, healing from any trauma in this area
of your relationship behaviors, and alsohow to choose a partner that chooses you.
(00:43):
We're gonna talk about choosing partners essentially. We're now in the drafting season
of our women's playbook to Dating.Draft season, all right, and professional
football drafting season is both exciting ashell and nerve wrecking all at the same
time. There are more players thanteams, more aspiring professional football players than
(01:06):
they are slots open to fill them, and let's face it, everyone will
not make it through draft season witha successful outcome that they've only dreamed about.
For hundreds of men who fought theirway from pee wee leagues, in
middle school all the way through college. This is their championship moment. And
for every ten whose dreams are made, there are hundreds who have to turn
(01:29):
to Plan B or Plan C andtake another route for their professional dreams,
such as it is with dating.We've all heard the saying there are plenty
of fish in the sea. Well, some of those guppies we won't swim
a lot with if you paid usto write. So I want to look
at the strategy behind draft season andhighlight how this aligns for us in the
(01:53):
dating world. And to do this, I want to dig down into how
we attach ourselves to partners in relationshipand this aligns with how men may show
up as members on the team.And then I want to drill down into
how we choose our players. Andthis process is drafting. All right,
(02:13):
let's get started with attachment styles.Now, maybe you've heard of the four
different type of attachment styles. Surelyyou've heard of the term clinger right stage
ten clinger well, in academic orpsychology terms, that is someone with an
anxious style of attachment, or whatabout someone who tends to run away from
(02:36):
any type of commitment. These wouldbe considered avoidant but let's go ahead and
start at the top with what attachmentstyles are. Now, your attachment style
is usually established through the bond youhad with your primary caregivers. That's when
you started learning how to express yourneeds, how to assess your safety,
(02:58):
and how to respond to other people'sand behaviors. Attachment style theory was founded
by psychoanalyst John Bowbee in the nineteenfifties and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth.
Now everyday terms attachment theory outlines howyour bond with your primary caregivers sets that
foundation for how you navigate relationships throughoutlife. The theory states that the primary
(03:22):
goal of a human infant is tomaintain proximity to its caregiver, which was
necessary for survival during our evolution.Now this is explained by a psychologist Christa.
Jordan. Bowby believed that because ofthis evolution, infants and toddlers were
monitoring their parents to see what strategieswould allow them to stay close. Bowb
(03:44):
believed that there are four different distinguishingcharacteristics of attachment. First is proximity maintenance.
Now, this is the desire tobe near the people we are attached
to. Next is safe haven.This is where the infant returned to the
attachment figure for comfort and safety inthe fear of face or a threat.
(04:05):
Then there's secure base. This wouldbe the attachment figure who acts as a
base of security from which the childcan explore the surrounding environment. And then
the last characteristic is separation distress.This is the level of anxiety that occurs
in the absence of the attachment figure. I do want to drill down into
(04:27):
the psychology terms because a lot ofthis stuff, a lot of relationship things,
are really rooted in psychology, anda lot of this work can also
help us to guide us learning aboutourselves and then how we show up in
relationships. So stick with me here. Now that we know the characteristics of
(04:47):
attachment, let's jump into the fourtype of attachment styles. Now, these
styles include secure avoidant, which isalso known as dismissive or anxious of in
children. Then there's anxious, whichis known as preoccupied or anxious ambivalent in
children. And then last is disorganized, which can show up as fearful avoidant.
(05:13):
Now, as I go through thevarious attachment styles, I want you
to pay attention to anything that mayresonate with you and while you're doing this,
give yourself graces. You have topromise me that I don't want you
getting scared off talking Oh my god, I'm just screwed up. No,
I want you to just learn,learn about yourself. This is what this
(05:34):
is all about. And here's whywe unconsciously expect our romantic partners to act
as our parents did, and thereforewe act in certain ways due to these
expectations. Now, this is accordingto researchers on this topic, and these
tendencies play out whether we realize itor not. According to a twenty eighteen
(05:56):
study, women score higher on anxietyand men score higher on avoidance when it
comes to relationships. But these genderdifferences are small and have no direct impact
on a person's attachment style, Andregardless of your primary relationships, don't worry.
You can change your attachment styles.The most important takeaway is realizing that
(06:18):
someone can change from an insecure attachmentstyle and develop healthy and secure bounds in
future relationship. And this is froma relationship counselor that said this. So
let's take down a little bit furtherinto what these attachment styles look like.
First, let's explore secure attachment.Secure attachment is the result of feeling secure
(06:42):
with your caregivers from childhood and beingable to ask for reassurance or validation without
punishment. Ultimately, you felt safe, You felt understood, comforted, and
value During your early interactions, yourcaregivers were probably emotionally available and aware of
their own emotions and behaviors. Therefore, children then model that secure attachment as
(07:04):
well as receiving it from their caregivers. Now Here are signs that you may
be someone with a secure attachment style. You're able to regulate your emotions,
you are easily trusting of others,you have effective communication skills, you have
the ability to seek emotional support.You're comfortable being alone, You're comfortable in
(07:28):
close relationships. You have the abilityto self reflect in partnerships, you can
easily connect with people, you havethe ability to manage conflict well, high
self esteem. And then, last, you're able to be emotionally available.
So you may be wondering how doesthis manifest in relationships, what does that
look like, what does it feellike? Well, securely attach people grow
(07:53):
up feeling secure emotionally and physically andcan engage in the world with others and
healthy ways, and as a result, people with secure attachment styles tend to
navigate relationships well. They generally havepositive, trusting and loving relationships with their
partners. They trust their partners intentionsand jealousy is often not an issue for
(08:16):
them. And securely attached people feelthat they're worthy of love and they don't
need external reassurance all right, Sothat is the secure attachment. Let's move
on to the next style of attachmentand take a look at the avoidant style.
Now, avoidant again, which isalso termed as dismissive, avoidant or
(08:37):
anxious avoidant are all words for thesame insecure attachment style. This is defined
by failures to build long term relationshipwith others due to an inability to engage
in physical and emotional intimacy. So, in childhood, someone who has this
attachment style may have had strict oram emotional distance or maybe sometimes even absent
(09:03):
caregivers. People with this attachment style, their caregivers may have left them alone
to fit for themselves for a longtime. They expected that child to be
independent. They reprimanded the child fordepending on them. These people may have
been rejected when expressing their needs oremotions, and then last the caregivers may
(09:24):
have been slow to respond to basicneeds. Some avoidant producing parents are outright
neglectful, but others, let's bejust easy on them. They were simply
busy, slightly disinterested, or moreconcerned with things like grade chores, manners,
feelings, dreams, fears, allof the parenting things that come into
(09:46):
the mix. And so as aresult, researchers say that these children may
have learned to adopt a strong senseof independence, so they did not have
to rely on anyone else for selfcare or or so. So that's that
particular style. So let's move onto the next style, which is the
avoidant attachment. Anxious avoidant avoidant attachmentadults may tend to navigate relationships at an
(10:11):
arm's length. This is what researcherssay the need for emotional intimacy is simply
lacking in this type of individual.So romantic relationships are not able to reach
any level of depth, and whilethey allow romantic partners to engage with them,
they tend to avoid getting emotionally close. A partner may feel as if
(10:33):
they can just never get inside andwill inevitably be stonewalled or dismissed when a
relationship feels too serious. For theanxious avoidant partner. Now you're wondering,
you may won't be wondering, howcan I tell if this is me?
So you might have an anxious avoidantattachment style. If you persistently avoid emotional
(10:54):
or physical intimacy, if you feela strong sense of self independent, if
you are uncomfortable expressing your feelings,if you are often dismissive of others,
if you have a hard time trustingpeople, if you feel threatened by anyone
who tries to get close to you, if you would rather spend more time
(11:15):
alone than interacting with others because yousimply believe you don't need others in your
life. And I'm putting air quotesin the air right now, if you
can say that you have commitment issues. The next style is anxious anxious attachment
style, which is also known asanxious, ambivalent or anxious preoccupied. Again,
these are insecure attachment styles. Soif you have an attachment style that
(11:39):
is anxious, you may have afear of rejection, a fear of abandonment,
and depending on a partner for validationand emotional regulation is your go to.
And you may have some code dependenttendency. Now, how does this
start? How does someone just endup with an anxious attachment style? Now?
This attachment style tends from inconsistent parentingthat is not attuned to a child's
(12:05):
needs. Now, these children havedifficulty understanding their caregivers and have no security
for what to expect moving forward fromthem. They're often confused with their parental
relationships and may feel unstable. Now, children with this attachment style experience very
high distress when their caregivers left them. They Sometimes the parents would be supportive
(12:26):
and responsive to the child's needs,while other times they would not be attuned
to their children. Indications of someonewith an anxious attachment style goes back to
parents who may have alternated between beingoverly coddling or and then detached or indifferent.
Maybe the parents were easily overwhelmed,sometimes attentive, and then they pushed
(12:50):
them away. And then sometimes parentsthat parented anxiously they made the child feel
responsible for how they felt as parents. Therefore, as a child, these
children grew up thinking that they weresupposed to take care of other people's feelings,
and then they often become codependent anda lot of times that means they
(13:11):
grow up being people pleaser. Now, here's a sign that you may have
an anxious attachment style. Clinging tendencies, highly sensitive to criticism, whether that's
real or perceived, needing approval fromothers, jealous tendencies, difficulty being alone,
low self esteem, feeling unworthy oflove, intense fear of rejection,
(13:37):
significant fear of abandonment, and difficultytrusting others. Now, how does this
show up in relationships? According toresearchers, people with anxious attachment styles usually
feel unworthy of love and need constantreassurance from their partners. They often blame
their selves for challenges and the relationships, and can exist a bit frequent and
(14:01):
intense jealousy or distrust due to poorself esteem. And ultimately, there's a
deep rooted fear of being abandoned,rejected, or alone, and those type
of fears typically express themselves in theseways. All right, that was a
lot. We are going to moveinto our last attachment style, which is
(14:22):
disorganized. Now, anxious disorganized attachmentis defined as having extremely inconsistent behavior and
difficulty trusting others, and the mostcommon cause of a disorganized attachment style is
childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Now, this could also mean fear
(14:43):
of their parents, their safety andwho's around them. And children with this
attachment style, they may have seenconfused as they were coming up or growing
up, and caregivers for them theywere usually inconsistent and we're often seen as
sources of comfort and also fear bytheir children, which ultimately led to their
(15:07):
disorganized behaviors. Signs that someone hasa disorganized attachment style includes fear, rejection,
inability to regulate emotions, contradictory behaviors, high levels of anxiety, distrusting
of others, and then signs ofboth avoidant and attachment styles what we just
(15:31):
talked about. And researchers have indicatedthat this type of attachment style is also
associated with mental health conditions in adulthood, including mood disorders, personality disorders,
self harm, and substance use disorder. All right, so how does this
style manifest in relationships? Well?In relationships, people with disorganized attachment styles
(15:58):
tend to have unpredictable and confusing behavior. Researchers say that they alternate between being
aloof and independent and then being clingyand emotional, so it's again disorganized,
and while they desperately seek love,they also push partners away because of the
fear of love. They believe thatthey'll always be rejected, But they don't
(16:22):
avoid emotional intimacy. They fear it, and then they constantly seek it out,
only to reject it again. It'sjust a vicious cycle. They perceive
their partners as unpredictable, and theythemselves behave in unpredictable ways within their relationships
as they continue to go between theneed for security and fear and bringing it
(16:45):
all home. Although these first experiencesmay affect your adult life, there's also
the possibility of making changes that mayhelp you improve how others relate to you
and you relate to others, andthis includes your romance to partners. Guys,
we are at the halfway point,the fifty yard line with all of
(17:06):
this. I want you to hangin there with me. It's a lot.
But to sum it up with allof these various styles, let's consider
this. Securely, attach adults tendto believe that romantic love is enduring.
Ambivalently, attach adults report falling inlove often, while those with avoidant attachment
styles describe love as rare and temporary. And while we can't say that early
(17:33):
attachment styles are identical to adult romanticattachment. The research has shown that early
attachment styles can help predict patterns ofbehavior and adulthood. All right, you
may be wondering, well, damn, girl, am I just stuck with
the crappy hand I was given earlyin life? If I'm not secure?
Am I just doomed to be thatway forever in relationships? Well, just
(17:59):
like conditioning, just like with workingout and practicing that all the football players
do once they're on their teams toconstantly get better, girl, you can
get better too. You can getbetter if you believe that you have an
insecure attachment style, there is stillhope for you. Yet. Now,
(18:19):
in some cases this happens naturally.For instance, if you're one with an
anxious attachment style, engaging in arelationship with someone with a secure style can
help you become more secure in turn. Now, aging may also play a
factor. One study suggests that anxiousattachment styles can become more secure over time,
(18:41):
simply because the older we get,the less time we have for relationships
that don't meet our needs or makeus happy. Remember that list I told
you to make an episode two?Now, going back over the lessons or
patterns in your relationships can help stretchyou to grow you beyond your learned attachment
style. Now, creating a senseof self awareness on your attachment style will
(19:03):
help you gain a clear starting pointon your journey to a secure style.
Now, with all of this workand this advice right here, especially because
we're talking about some things that reallydig down with mental health, I want
to put this out there that Iam an advocate for mental health professionals and
(19:25):
getting the therapy that you need.So don't feel like you need to go
through this alone. If you feelthat, yes, I had childhood trauma
that I just can't undo by myself. If I could have undone it by
now, I would have done agirl therapy. I will recommend therapy.
It's not something to be stigmatized.And with all of this work, you
(19:45):
can work it out with a therapist. So I would also put that in
your toolbox. Now that we've doneour part to know how we as women
show up in relationships. And thisis just like how football players learn the
roles they play as teammates on anyteam they're on. We can advance to
the next step and we are officiallyin draft season when it comes to drafting
(20:11):
season. You, my dear,are the team in your suitors or potential
partners or partner? Are the playerswaiting to be selected by you? Yes,
you, honey, you get tochoose. You are the owner,
general manager, the head coach,all wrapped up into one. You are
(20:32):
calling the shots. Remember that somany times we as women, we are
waiting on the sidelines to be chosen. No, no, no, no,
ma'am. You have a say inall of this too. Stop just
worrying about if he or she orthey like you, baby girl? Do
you even like them? Have youconsidered that? So? What does drafting
(20:55):
season look like in professional football?Well, it all starts with the NFL
Scouting Combine. The National Invitational Campcalled NIC is the super Bowl of the
player development process, and this isagain known as the NFL Scouting Combine.
This four day invitation only event allowsNFL scouts to evaluate that year's top draft
(21:19):
eligible college players on a various ofthings like medical, mental, and physical
criteria, and only three hundred orso players attend each year. The Combine
takes place at the Lucas Oil Stadium, home of the Indianapolis Cult. The
event has been held in Indianapolis everyyear since nineteen eighty seven, with one
(21:44):
exception in twenty twenty one and asyou can guess, it was canceled due
to the pandemic, but every yearis held in Indianapolis. Players that qualify
for the combine will run through aseries of challenges that are broken up into
three aspects that include physical, medical, and professional. Athletes go through different
positional drills along with six primary combinedrills. This includes the forty yard dash,
(22:10):
finch press, shuttle run, verticaljump, and the broad jump.
Scouts gathered all of this data onthe players based on their field work along
with additional measures that they collect duringthe time of the four day period.
They're evaluating them for their weight,their wingspan, their hand size. These
are just like a lot of thingsthat they're looking at over the course of
(22:33):
the four days. Now, intwenty thirteen, the NFL introduced a player
Assessment test. This test was designedto measure attributes of players outside of their
physical capabilities. These new tests measuredlearning styles, motivation, decision making skills,
response to pressure and unexpected stimuli,and core intellect. The assessment tool
(22:57):
is intended to be a subplement tothe existing measurements that the NFL does during
the combine. It's not a replacementfor any of the other tests that they
do. It's simply a another waythat they can understand the behavior makeup of
the individuals of the players that arelooking to be on the teams and how
they would perform on the field andalso how they would deal off the field.
(23:22):
Coaches and general managers use the assessmenttool to determine the likelihood that the
prospect will fit into the team systemthat they currently have in place. So
this test aims to give the footballclubs a better understanding of an individual's behavior
makeup and also the coachability, andit will help define if a personality fits
(23:44):
into the team chemistry in the directionthat the franchise is pursuing. Now,
bringing this all back to our women'splaybook for dating, you are in the
position of evaluating and choosing players orpotential partner that best aligned with the ross
or remember that list that you previouslyconstructed. You get to assess their behavior
(24:04):
makeup, how do they show upin relationships, how will they compliment your
life, and their coachability, Becauselet's be honest, not every player shows
up on the football field moving andmaking every play perfectly, and neither do
our partners when we first start arelationship with them. So you need to
(24:26):
always be assessing how coachable your potentialpartners are. How do they adjust to
your needs. They may check offninety percent of the boxes for an ideal
mate, but how likely are theyto be flexible and adjusting to the ten
percent that is not there now.In addition to assessing the player, you
(24:47):
must also consider what you bring tothe relationship. Let's be frank here if
you don't understand, appreciate, andlove yourself first to be able to show
up in your full glory of whatyou're asking from a romantic partner. Since
you are being unrealistic and choosing ourpartners, we need to be able to
(25:07):
evaluate our own selves and what wecan offer them. This is the same
with football teams. Yes, they'reevaluating and offering a spot on their team
to a select few hungry players,but as a team they have to come
correct too. They can't low balla player with some BS salary ordeal.
They have to sell themselves and outlinethe benefits of joining their team. So
(25:33):
you have to do the same,my friends. In a report from Psychology
Today, there are two ways thatwe choose partners, either from a need
space perspective or from a secure basedperspective. And if this sounds familiar,
it's because it's often aligned with ourattachment styles. And when you're choosing from
(25:55):
a need When you're choosing from aneed space perspective, this looks like because
she loves me. So when you'rechoosing from a needs based perspective, it
looks like because he or she lovesme, because they're a great provider,
because they take care of my needs. If you choose someone, you should
(26:18):
consider what you can give and addto the other person's life. On the
other side of this coin is thesecure based perspective. This looks like because
they're a beautiful person, because Iwant to give myself to them, because
I want to love and cherish them. This type of choosing is based in
(26:40):
love as something to be given ratherthan a need to be met, and
this can this type of self actualThis type of self actualized secure based choosing
is a value added proposition, whereasneeds based choosing takes away from the other
(27:02):
person and comes out of a senseof lack or belief of scarcity. Now,
some nuggets of wisdom from psychologists saychoose someone you can value and cherish.
Going back to nuggets of wisdom frompsychologists, they say that you should
choose someone. Going back to researchbased info now bringing in some nuggets of
(27:33):
wisdom from researchers and psychologists, theysay, choose someone you can value and
cherish and whose life you want toadd value to. Basically, don't sit
and wait and hope that the rightperson will come to you. Here are
some things that you can do.Nurture those aspects of yourself. You can
(27:56):
give freely, get some of yourneeds met from other people other than your
romantic partner. You can't depend onone person to be y'all all. Try
to give the other person those thingsthat you're get in the practice of giving
the other person the things that youyourself would most like to receive. And
(28:21):
when you get to that point whereyou have that partner, tell them I
choose you, and then tell themhow you want to enrich their lives.
Okay, wo chat. We havecovered so much in this episode, and
I can certainly keep going, butwe are going to have to take this
goodness into episode four. Also,you may have to listen to this episode
(28:47):
a few times because it is loadedwith a lot of jewels. You may
have to listen and take down somenotes and go back and replay. And
don't forget to share a woman's playbookto dating with your sister. Friends,
can share with your girlfriends, yourcoworkers, your cousins, whoever you feel
can benefit from this playbook for dating. As always, I so appreciate you
(29:10):
listening, and go ahead and staytuned for episode four next week. Remember
I'm rooting for you. We're allone team. You got this girl,
All right, we are rolling on. We're back with another episode, episode
four, and I'm sure you're like, hey, is this where we get
to get out and onto the field. I'm ready, coach, Put me
in, Put me in, coach, Easy tiger, Easy Tiger. We're
not quite there yet. The lasttwo episodes have been about self care,
(00:22):
conditioning, visioning, making our list, and roster building, and we've set
a decent foundation and in this episodewe'll continue building on that. Episode three
is all about learning your attachment style, healing from any trauma in this area
of your relationship behaviors, and alsohow to choose a partner that chooses you.
(00:43):
We're gonna talk about choosing partners essentially. We're now in the drafting season
of our women's playbook to Dating.Draft season, all right, and professional
football drafting season is both exciting ashell and nerve wrecking all at the same
time. There are more players thanteams, more aspiring professional football players than
(01:06):
they are slots open to fill them, and let's face it, everyone will
not make it through draft season witha successful outcome that they've only dreamed about.
For hundreds of men who fought theirway from pee wee leagues, in
middle school all the way through college. This is their championship moment. And
for every ten whose dreams are made, there are hundreds who have to turn
(01:29):
to Plan B or Plan C andtake another route for their professional dreams,
such as it is with dating.We've all heard the saying there are plenty
of fish in the sea. Well, some of those guppies we won't swim
a lot with if you paid usto write. So I want to look
at the strategy behind draft season andhighlight how this aligns for us in the
(01:53):
dating world. And to do this, I want to dig down into how
we attach ourselves to partners in relationshipand this aligns with how men may show
up as members on the team.And then I want to drill down into
how we choose our players. Andthis process is drafting. All right,
(02:13):
let's get started with attachment styles.Now, maybe you've heard of the four
different type of attachment styles. Surelyyou've heard of the term clinger right stage
ten clinger well, in academic orpsychology terms, that is someone with an
anxious style of attachment, or whatabout someone who tends to run away from
(02:36):
any type of commitment. These wouldbe considered avoidant but let's go ahead and
start at the top with what attachmentstyles are. Now, your attachment style
is usually established through the bond youhad with your primary caregivers. That's when
you started learning how to express yourneeds, how to assess your safety,
(02:58):
and how to respond to other people'sand behaviors. Attachment style theory was founded
by psychoanalyst John Bowbee in the nineteenfifties and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth.
Now everyday terms attachment theory outlines howyour bond with your primary caregivers sets that
foundation for how you navigate relationships throughoutlife. The theory states that the primary
(03:22):
goal of a human infant is tomaintain proximity to its caregiver, which was
necessary for survival during our evolution.Now this is explained by a psychologist Christa.
Jordan. Bowby believed that because ofthis evolution, infants and toddlers were
monitoring their parents to see what strategieswould allow them to stay close. Bowb
(03:44):
believed that there are four different distinguishingcharacteristics of attachment. First is proximity maintenance.
Now, this is the desire tobe near the people we are attached
to. Next is safe haven.This is where the infant returned to the
attachment figure for comfort and safety inthe fear of face or a threat.
(04:05):
Then there's secure base. This wouldbe the attachment figure who acts as a
base of security from which the childcan explore the surrounding environment. And then
the last characteristic is separation distress.This is the level of anxiety that occurs
in the absence of the attachment figure. I do want to drill down into
(04:27):
the psychology terms because a lot ofthis stuff, a lot of relationship things,
are really rooted in psychology, anda lot of this work can also
help us to guide us learning aboutourselves and then how we show up in
relationships. So stick with me here. Now that we know the characteristics of
(04:47):
attachment, let's jump into the fourtype of attachment styles. Now, these
styles include secure avoidant, which isalso known as dismissive or anxious of in
children. Then there's anxious, whichis known as preoccupied or anxious ambivalent in
children. And then last is disorganized, which can show up as fearful avoidant.
(05:13):
Now, as I go through thevarious attachment styles, I want you
to pay attention to anything that mayresonate with you and while you're doing this,
give yourself graces. You have topromise me that I don't want you
getting scared off talking Oh my god, I'm just screwed up. No,
I want you to just learn,learn about yourself. This is what this
(05:34):
is all about. And here's whywe unconsciously expect our romantic partners to act
as our parents did, and thereforewe act in certain ways due to these
expectations. Now, this is accordingto researchers on this topic, and these
tendencies play out whether we realize itor not. According to a twenty eighteen
(05:56):
study, women score higher on anxietyand men score higher on avoidance when it
comes to relationships. But these genderdifferences are small and have no direct impact
on a person's attachment style, Andregardless of your primary relationships, don't worry.
You can change your attachment styles.The most important takeaway is realizing that
(06:18):
someone can change from an insecure attachmentstyle and develop healthy and secure bounds in
future relationship. And this is froma relationship counselor that said this. So
let's take down a little bit furtherinto what these attachment styles look like.
First, let's explore secure attachment.Secure attachment is the result of feeling secure
(06:42):
with your caregivers from childhood and beingable to ask for reassurance or validation without
punishment. Ultimately, you felt safe, You felt understood, comforted, and
value During your early interactions, yourcaregivers were probably emotionally available and aware of
their own emotions and behaviors. Therefore, children then model that secure attachment as
(07:04):
well as receiving it from their caregivers. Now Here are signs that you may
be someone with a secure attachment style. You're able to regulate your emotions,
you are easily trusting of others,you have effective communication skills, you have
the ability to seek emotional support.You're comfortable being alone, You're comfortable in
(07:28):
close relationships. You have the abilityto self reflect in partnerships, you can
easily connect with people, you havethe ability to manage conflict well, high
self esteem. And then, last, you're able to be emotionally available.
So you may be wondering how doesthis manifest in relationships, what does that
look like, what does it feellike? Well, securely attach people grow
(07:53):
up feeling secure emotionally and physically andcan engage in the world with others and
healthy ways, and as a result, people with secure attachment styles tend to
navigate relationships well. They generally havepositive, trusting and loving relationships with their
partners. They trust their partners intentionsand jealousy is often not an issue for
(08:16):
them. And securely attached people feelthat they're worthy of love and they don't
need external reassurance all right, Sothat is the secure attachment. Let's move
on to the next style of attachmentand take a look at the avoidant style.
Now, avoidant again, which isalso termed as dismissive, avoidant or
(08:37):
anxious avoidant are all words for thesame insecure attachment style. This is defined
by failures to build long term relationshipwith others due to an inability to engage
in physical and emotional intimacy. So, in childhood, someone who has this
attachment style may have had strict oram emotional distance or maybe sometimes even absent
(09:03):
caregivers. People with this attachment style, their caregivers may have left them alone
to fit for themselves for a longtime. They expected that child to be
independent. They reprimanded the child fordepending on them. These people may have
been rejected when expressing their needs oremotions, and then last the caregivers may
(09:24):
have been slow to respond to basicneeds. Some avoidant producing parents are outright
neglectful, but others, let's bejust easy on them. They were simply
busy, slightly disinterested, or moreconcerned with things like grade chores, manners,
feelings, dreams, fears, allof the parenting things that come into
(09:46):
the mix. And so as aresult, researchers say that these children may
have learned to adopt a strong senseof independence, so they did not have
to rely on anyone else for selfcare or or so. So that's that
particular style. So let's move onto the next style, which is the
avoidant attachment. Anxious avoidant avoidant attachmentadults may tend to navigate relationships at an
(10:11):
arm's length. This is what researcherssay the need for emotional intimacy is simply
lacking in this type of individual.So romantic relationships are not able to reach
any level of depth, and whilethey allow romantic partners to engage with them,
they tend to avoid getting emotionally close. A partner may feel as if
(10:33):
they can just never get inside andwill inevitably be stonewalled or dismissed when a
relationship feels too serious. For theanxious avoidant partner. Now you're wondering,
you may won't be wondering, howcan I tell if this is me?
So you might have an anxious avoidantattachment style. If you persistently avoid emotional
(10:54):
or physical intimacy, if you feela strong sense of self independent, if
you are uncomfortable expressing your feelings,if you are often dismissive of others,
if you have a hard time trustingpeople, if you feel threatened by anyone
who tries to get close to you, if you would rather spend more time
(11:15):
alone than interacting with others because yousimply believe you don't need others in your
life. And I'm putting air quotesin the air right now, if you
can say that you have commitment issues. The next style is anxious anxious attachment
style, which is also known asanxious, ambivalent or anxious preoccupied. Again,
these are insecure attachment styles. Soif you have an attachment style that
(11:39):
is anxious, you may have afear of rejection, a fear of abandonment,
and depending on a partner for validationand emotional regulation is your go to.
And you may have some code dependenttendency. Now, how does this
start? How does someone just endup with an anxious attachment style? Now?
This attachment style tends from inconsistent parentingthat is not attuned to a child's
(12:05):
needs. Now, these children havedifficulty understanding their caregivers and have no security
for what to expect moving forward fromthem. They're often confused with their parental
relationships and may feel unstable. Now, children with this attachment style experience very
high distress when their caregivers left them. They Sometimes the parents would be supportive
(12:26):
and responsive to the child's needs,while other times they would not be attuned
to their children. Indications of someonewith an anxious attachment style goes back to
parents who may have alternated between beingoverly coddling or and then detached or indifferent.
Maybe the parents were easily overwhelmed,sometimes attentive, and then they pushed
(12:50):
them away. And then sometimes parentsthat parented anxiously they made the child feel
responsible for how they felt as parents. Therefore, as a child, these
children grew up thinking that they weresupposed to take care of other people's feelings,
and then they often become codependent anda lot of times that means they
(13:11):
grow up being people pleaser. Now, here's a sign that you may have
an anxious attachment style. Clinging tendencies, highly sensitive to criticism, whether that's
real or perceived, needing approval fromothers, jealous tendencies, difficulty being alone,
low self esteem, feeling unworthy oflove, intense fear of rejection,
(13:37):
significant fear of abandonment, and difficultytrusting others. Now, how does this
show up in relationships? According toresearchers, people with anxious attachment styles usually
feel unworthy of love and need constantreassurance from their partners. They often blame
their selves for challenges and the relationships, and can exist a bit frequent and
(14:01):
intense jealousy or distrust due to poorself esteem. And ultimately, there's a
deep rooted fear of being abandoned,rejected, or alone, and those type
of fears typically express themselves in theseways. All right, that was a
lot. We are going to moveinto our last attachment style, which is
(14:22):
disorganized. Now, anxious disorganized attachmentis defined as having extremely inconsistent behavior and
difficulty trusting others, and the mostcommon cause of a disorganized attachment style is
childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Now, this could also mean fear
(14:43):
of their parents, their safety andwho's around them. And children with this
attachment style, they may have seenconfused as they were coming up or growing
up, and caregivers for them theywere usually inconsistent and we're often seen as
sources of comfort and also fear bytheir children, which ultimately led to their
(15:07):
disorganized behaviors. Signs that someone hasa disorganized attachment style includes fear, rejection,
inability to regulate emotions, contradictory behaviors, high levels of anxiety, distrusting
of others, and then signs ofboth avoidant and attachment styles what we just
(15:31):
talked about. And researchers have indicatedthat this type of attachment style is also
associated with mental health conditions in adulthood, including mood disorders, personality disorders,
self harm, and substance use disorder. All right, so how does this
style manifest in relationships? Well?In relationships, people with disorganized attachment styles
(15:58):
tend to have unpredictable and confusing behavior. Researchers say that they alternate between being
aloof and independent and then being clingyand emotional, so it's again disorganized,
and while they desperately seek love,they also push partners away because of the
fear of love. They believe thatthey'll always be rejected, But they don't
(16:22):
avoid emotional intimacy. They fear it, and then they constantly seek it out,
only to reject it again. It'sjust a vicious cycle. They perceive
their partners as unpredictable, and theythemselves behave in unpredictable ways within their relationships
as they continue to go between theneed for security and fear and bringing it
(16:45):
all home. Although these first experiencesmay affect your adult life, there's also
the possibility of making changes that mayhelp you improve how others relate to you
and you relate to others, andthis includes your romance to partners. Guys,
we are at the halfway point,the fifty yard line with all of
(17:06):
this. I want you to hangin there with me. It's a lot.
But to sum it up with allof these various styles, let's consider
this. Securely, attach adults tendto believe that romantic love is enduring.
Ambivalently, attach adults report falling inlove often, while those with avoidant attachment
styles describe love as rare and temporary. And while we can't say that early
(17:33):
attachment styles are identical to adult romanticattachment. The research has shown that early
attachment styles can help predict patterns ofbehavior and adulthood. All right, you
may be wondering, well, damn, girl, am I just stuck with
the crappy hand I was given earlyin life? If I'm not secure?
Am I just doomed to be thatway forever in relationships? Well, just
(17:59):
like conditioning, just like with workingout and practicing that all the football players
do once they're on their teams toconstantly get better, girl, you can
get better too. You can getbetter if you believe that you have an
insecure attachment style, there is stillhope for you. Yet. Now,
(18:19):
in some cases this happens naturally.For instance, if you're one with an
anxious attachment style, engaging in arelationship with someone with a secure style can
help you become more secure in turn. Now, aging may also play a
factor. One study suggests that anxiousattachment styles can become more secure over time,
(18:41):
simply because the older we get,the less time we have for relationships
that don't meet our needs or makeus happy. Remember that list I told
you to make an episode two?Now, going back over the lessons or
patterns in your relationships can help stretchyou to grow you beyond your learned attachment
style. Now, creating a senseof self awareness on your attachment style will
(19:03):
help you gain a clear starting pointon your journey to a secure style.
Now, with all of this workand this advice right here, especially because
we're talking about some things that reallydig down with mental health, I want
to put this out there that Iam an advocate for mental health professionals and
(19:25):
getting the therapy that you need.So don't feel like you need to go
through this alone. If you feelthat, yes, I had childhood trauma
that I just can't undo by myself. If I could have undone it by
now, I would have done agirl therapy. I will recommend therapy.
It's not something to be stigmatized.And with all of this work, you
(19:45):
can work it out with a therapist. So I would also put that in
your toolbox. Now that we've doneour part to know how we as women
show up in relationships. And thisis just like how football players learn the
roles they play as teammates on anyteam they're on. We can advance to
the next step and we are officiallyin draft season when it comes to drafting
(20:11):
season. You, my dear,are the team in your suitors or potential
partners or partner? Are the playerswaiting to be selected by you? Yes,
you, honey, you get tochoose. You are the owner,
general manager, the head coach,all wrapped up into one. You are
(20:32):
calling the shots. Remember that somany times we as women, we are
waiting on the sidelines to be chosen. No, no, no, no,
ma'am. You have a say inall of this too. Stop just
worrying about if he or she orthey like you, baby girl? Do
you even like them? Have youconsidered that? So? What does drafting
(20:55):
season look like in professional football?Well, it all starts with the NFL
Scouting Combine. The National Invitational Campcalled NIC is the super Bowl of the
player development process, and this isagain known as the NFL Scouting Combine.
This four day invitation only event allowsNFL scouts to evaluate that year's top draft
(21:19):
eligible college players on a various ofthings like medical, mental, and physical
criteria, and only three hundred orso players attend each year. The Combine
takes place at the Lucas Oil Stadium, home of the Indianapolis Cult. The
event has been held in Indianapolis everyyear since nineteen eighty seven, with one
(21:44):
exception in twenty twenty one and asyou can guess, it was canceled due
to the pandemic, but every yearis held in Indianapolis. Players that qualify
for the combine will run through aseries of challenges that are broken up into
three aspects that include physical, medical, and professional. Athletes go through different
positional drills along with six primary combinedrills. This includes the forty yard dash,
(22:10):
finch press, shuttle run, verticaljump, and the broad jump.
Scouts gathered all of this data onthe players based on their field work along
with additional measures that they collect duringthe time of the four day period.
They're evaluating them for their weight,their wingspan, their hand size. These
are just like a lot of thingsthat they're looking at over the course of
(22:33):
the four days. Now, intwenty thirteen, the NFL introduced a player
Assessment test. This test was designedto measure attributes of players outside of their
physical capabilities. These new tests measuredlearning styles, motivation, decision making skills,
response to pressure and unexpected stimuli,and core intellect. The assessment tool
(22:57):
is intended to be a subplement tothe existing measurements that the NFL does during
the combine. It's not a replacementfor any of the other tests that they
do. It's simply a another waythat they can understand the behavior makeup of
the individuals of the players that arelooking to be on the teams and how
they would perform on the field andalso how they would deal off the field.
(23:22):
Coaches and general managers use the assessmenttool to determine the likelihood that the
prospect will fit into the team systemthat they currently have in place. So
this test aims to give the footballclubs a better understanding of an individual's behavior
makeup and also the coachability, andit will help define if a personality fits
(23:44):
into the team chemistry in the directionthat the franchise is pursuing. Now,
bringing this all back to our women'splaybook for dating, you are in the
position of evaluating and choosing players orpotential partner that best aligned with the ross
or remember that list that you previouslyconstructed. You get to assess their behavior
(24:04):
makeup, how do they show upin relationships, how will they compliment your
life, and their coachability, Becauselet's be honest, not every player shows
up on the football field moving andmaking every play perfectly, and neither do
our partners when we first start arelationship with them. So you need to
(24:26):
always be assessing how coachable your potentialpartners are. How do they adjust to
your needs. They may check offninety percent of the boxes for an ideal
mate, but how likely are theyto be flexible and adjusting to the ten
percent that is not there now.In addition to assessing the player, you
(24:47):
must also consider what you bring tothe relationship. Let's be frank here if
you don't understand, appreciate, andlove yourself first to be able to show
up in your full glory of whatyou're asking from a romantic partner. Since
you are being unrealistic and choosing ourpartners, we need to be able to
(25:07):
evaluate our own selves and what wecan offer them. This is the same
with football teams. Yes, they'reevaluating and offering a spot on their team
to a select few hungry players,but as a team they have to come
correct too. They can't low balla player with some BS salary ordeal.
They have to sell themselves and outlinethe benefits of joining their team. So
(25:33):
you have to do the same,my friends. In a report from Psychology
Today, there are two ways thatwe choose partners, either from a need
space perspective or from a secure basedperspective. And if this sounds familiar,
it's because it's often aligned with ourattachment styles. And when you're choosing from
(25:55):
a need When you're choosing from aneed space perspective, this looks like because
she loves me. So when you'rechoosing from a needs based perspective, it
looks like because he or she lovesme, because they're a great provider,
because they take care of my needs. If you choose someone, you should
(26:18):
consider what you can give and addto the other person's life. On the
other side of this coin is thesecure based perspective. This looks like because
they're a beautiful person, because Iwant to give myself to them, because
I want to love and cherish them. This type of choosing is based in
(26:40):
love as something to be given ratherthan a need to be met, and
this can this type of self actualThis type of self actualized secure based choosing
is a value added proposition, whereasneeds based choosing takes away from the other
(27:02):
person and comes out of a senseof lack or belief of scarcity. Now,
some nuggets of wisdom from psychologists saychoose someone you can value and cherish.
Going back to nuggets of wisdom frompsychologists, they say that you should
choose someone. Going back to researchbased info now bringing in some nuggets of
(27:33):
wisdom from researchers and psychologists, theysay, choose someone you can value and
cherish and whose life you want toadd value to. Basically, don't sit
and wait and hope that the rightperson will come to you. Here are
some things that you can do.Nurture those aspects of yourself. You can
(27:56):
give freely, get some of yourneeds met from other people other than your
romantic partner. You can't depend onone person to be y'all all. Try
to give the other person those thingsthat you're get in the practice of giving
the other person the things that youyourself would most like to receive. And
(28:21):
when you get to that point whereyou have that partner, tell them I
choose you, and then tell themhow you want to enrich their lives.
Okay, wo chat. We havecovered so much in this episode, and
I can certainly keep going, butwe are going to have to take this
goodness into episode four. Also,you may have to listen to this episode
(28:47):
a few times because it is loadedwith a lot of jewels. You may
have to listen and take down somenotes and go back and replay. And
don't forget to share a woman's playbookto dating with your sister. Friends,
can share with your girlfriends, yourcoworkers, your cousins, whoever you feel
can benefit from this playbook for dating. As always, I so appreciate you
(29:10):
listening, and go ahead and staytuned for episode four next week. Remember
I'm rooting for you. We're allone team. You got this girl,
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