Trump's Boat Parades and Billion Dollar Tantrums: When Land Fails, Try Sea and the NFL Kicking Rule

Patrick Gutfield dives into Trump's plan for a Navy boat parade after his thirty-million-dollar Army birthday bash flopped (apparently soldiers marching out of step isn't good TV), his fifteen-billion-dollar lawsuit against the New York Times over TV production credits, and his declaration of war on the NFL's new kickoff rule as "sissy football." From shimmering seacraft spectacles to presidential sports commentary, it's military pageantry meets media lawfare with a side of football critique.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Caalaroga Shark media from Washington, d C. Where who doesn't
love a parade? This is vallot. I can see it now.
An aircraft carrier cruising down the Pennsylvania Avenue canal. Let's
hit this. The US Navy is reportedly planning a massive
boat parade to cheer up President Trump after his army

(00:23):
birthday parade in June left him feeling disappointed. Yes, when
your thirty million dollar military parade doesn't go well, the
obvious solution is to try again with boats. Trump hosted
the military's largest parade in decades on June fourteenth to
mark two hundred and fifty years of the US Army,
which also happened to be his seventy ninth birthday. What

(00:44):
are the odds, I mean, what are the actual mathematical
odds that the Army's anniversary would fall on Trump's birthday?
Someone should look into that. The parade cost taxpayers thirty
million dollars and featured what observers called lackluster soldiers marching
out of A footage went viral and photos suggested Trump
may have dozed off during his own birthday party. Now

(01:07):
I've fallen asleep at plenty of parties, but usually not
ones that cost thirty million dollars and were thrown specifically
for me. White House communications director Stephen Chung claimed over
two hundred and fifty thousand patriots showed up, but significant
gaps in the crowd suggested attendance fell far short. Meanwhile,
No King's protests drew over four million people in eight

(01:29):
hundred twenty locations across the country. So let me understand this.
Four million people showed up to protest the guy, but
only a fraction of that showed up to celebrate him.
That's not great birthday party math. Now, Trump is reportedly
hoping the Navy can deliver a shimmering spectacle with seacraft.
A shimmering spectacle with seacraft that sounds less like a

(01:51):
military demonstration and more like something you'd to see at SeaWorld.
I'm picturing dolphins jumping through hoops while destroyers fire. Confetti came.
Trump told his aides he was disappointed with the marching
in the June event. Disappointed with the marching. This is
a man who once said he knows more about military
strategy than the generals, and he's critiquing the choreography. What's next,

(02:16):
is he going to demand the tanks to synchronized swimming.
Jimmy Kimmel aired footage of what looked like Trump nodding
off during the parade, calling him sleepy Don, which is
ironic because wasn't Trump the one who used to call
Biden sleepy Joe. At this point, everyone's just taking turns
being sleepy. So the solution to a disappointing land parade

(02:37):
is an aquatic parade. This feels very much like when
you're bad at chess so you decide to try underwater
chess instead, same game, different problems, probably more expensive. I
have so many questions about this naval parade. Are they
going to march the boats? Can boats march? Will there
be formation swimming? And most importantly, how much is this

(02:57):
shimmering spectacle going to cost? Because if the land version
was thirty million, I'm guessing the water version comes with
a significant maritime markup. Trump filed a fifteen billion dollar
defamation lawsuit against The New York Times on Monday. Fifteen billion.
That's not a typo, that's billion with a B. To
put that in perspective, you could buy Twitter three times

(03:20):
and still have change left over for a few Supreme
Court justices. The lawsuit targets some of the Times top
reporters for their articles and books suggesting Trump built his
fortune through fraud. But here's where it gets personal. Trump
is also upset that The Times gave producer Mark Burnett
credit for The Apprentice's success instead of giving all the

(03:40):
glory to Trump himself. Yes, the Leader of the Free
World is litigating over TV production credits. The suit also
cites an interview with retired Marine Corps General John Kelly,
Trump's former chief of staff, where Kelly said Trump met
the definition of a fascist, which, let's be honest, is
probably not the hill you want to die on when

(04:01):
you're trying to prove you're not authoritarian. We look the
definition up at. Miriam Webster has fascism as a populist
political philosophy, movement or regime that exalts nation and often
race above the individual, that is associated with a centralized,
autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, and that is

(04:22):
characterized by severe economic and social regimentation and by forcible
suppression of opposition. Yeah, I have no idea what John
Kelly is talking about. Trump's lawyers called the Times a
full throated mouthpiece of the Democrat Party, which sounds like
a Stormy Daniel's kind of political movement. Meanwhile, Trump posted

(04:42):
on social media that The Times has spent decades lying
about your favorite president me and yes, he actually wrote
me in all caps with an exclamation point. Very presidential.
Ump has declared war on the NFL's new kickoff rule,

(05:02):
calling it sissy football in a truth social rant that
reads like he was dictating it while watching Sports Center
through a fog of spraytan. The President is furious that
players now have to stand still until the ball is
caught or hits the ground, saying it makes football look
ridiculous and is bad for America. You know, finally someone

(05:23):
brave enough to tackle the real issues facing our nation.
Trump wrote that the ball is moving while players are not,
which is the exact opposite of what football is all about.
The NFL implemented this rule to reduce concussions by forty
three percent, but Trump thinks the safety is overrated. Trump
compared this to efforts in professional golf to roll back

(05:45):
the ball, proving once again that no sports controversy is
too petty for presidential attention.