Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Calaruga Shark Media from Washington, d C. Where Idiocracy is
a documentary. This is valid. Maybe it's time to tell
England we weren't able to handle it. Let's hit this.
I'm Patrick Gutfield and President Trump announced he's throwing himself
a birthday party, and naturally he's going big UFC fights
(00:25):
on the White House lawn. That's right, the South lawn
is about to become the Octagon. Nothing honors the legacy
of George Washington quite like two guys in shorts trying
to choke each other out where the Easter egg role
usually happens. Now. Trump made this announcement at a naval
station while supposedly talking about the Navy's two one hundred
and fiftieth anniversary. Classic move Start with the Navy and
(00:48):
with cage fighting. The sailors must have been thrilled. We
thought we were getting a speech about maritime history, but sure,
mixed martial arts works too. The event is set for
June fourteenth, which just happens to be Trump's eightieth birthday.
What a coincidence. Though he didn't mention that part to
the sailors, just casually dropped that the White House would
(01:10):
be hosting Ultimate Fighting, you know, as one does when
discussing naval tradition. UFC President Dana White is already hyping
this up, calling it the greatest fight card ever assembled. Sure, Dana,
greater than Muhammad Ali versus Joe Frasier, greater than any
historic boxing match. But this one's got the White House
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Rose Garden as a backdrop, so clearly it's the pinnacle
of combat sports. Connor McGregor, who was found liable for
sexual assault in a civil court in Ireland, says he's fighting.
He told Sean Hannity it's a done deal, signed delivered,
although Dana White immediately contradicted him, saying nothing's actually been
negotiated yet. So either Connor's jumping the gun or he's
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negotiating with voices in his head. Either way, he hasn't
fought since two tenty twenty one, so this should go great.
Here's my favorite part. White says they'll have to spend
seven hundred thousand dollars just to replace the grass afterward,
seven hundred thousand dollars for lawn repair. That's not a
sporting event, that's an invasion. The South lawn has survived
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two centuries of American history, but apparently one UFC event
is going to finish it off. Trump's hoping this goes
better than his last birthday party, which was that army
parade back in June. You remember the forty five million
dollar parade that started early to beat the rain, tore
up the roads, and was still smaller than the protest
march happening at the same time. According to biographer Michael Woolf,
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Trump was furious. He wanted menacing, he got festive. He
apparently yelled at Defense Secretary Pete hegseth about it. Can
you imagine that performance review? Pete? I asked for terrifying
and you gave me a marching band. You're fired? Actually wait?
Can I still fire people? So coming this June, America's
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two hundred and fiftieth birthday celebrated the only way this
administration knows how, with violent spectacle and a landscaping bill
that could fund a small school district. Astronomers are seriously
considering blowing up an asteroid that has a four percent
chance of hitting the moon in twenty thirty two, which
sounds like the most expensive insurance policy in human history.
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The asteroid, cheerfully named twenty twenty four. YR four is
about three hundred feet long and has been dubbed a
city killer, though apparently it's more of a moon denter.
At this point. Scientists initially worried it might hit Earth,
but later observations revealed it's much more likely to smack
into our lunar neighbor instead. If the asteroid does hit
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the Moon, it would create a crater about one kilometer
in diameter and generate a debris cloud weighing over one
hundred million kilograms. That debris could then float toward Earth
and threaten satellites for years, which means we'd basically be
getting cosmic rip for all those times we've cluttered up
space with our own junk. To prevent this four percent possibility,
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NASA scientists are proposing what they call a kinetic disruption mission,
which is scientists speak for let's blow this thing up.
They've considered three options, reconnaissance, deflection, and complete destruction. Apparently
deflection is impractical, so they've jumped straight to the nuclear option.
The plan involves sending two one hundred kiloton nuclear devices
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to the asteroid, each about five to eight times more
powerful than the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. So
we're talking about using weapons of mass destruction to prevent
a four percent chance of Moon damage. That's like using
a bazuka to kill a mosquito that might bite you.
The mission would take five to seven years to develop,
with a launch window from late twenty twenty nine to
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late twenty thirty one. By then we might have better
calculations showing the asteroid will miss everything entirely, making this
the most elaborate solution to a problem that may not exist.
Scientists thoughtfully included a backup nuclear device in case it
is needed, with the option to safely dispose of it
by detonating it in deep space if the first bomb works,
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because apparently the best way to clean up after nuclear
asteroid destruction is more nuclear explosions in space. This would
be several times more complex than NASA's twenty twenty two
Dart mission, where they successfully nudged an asteroid off course
by ramming it with the spacecraft. But apparently ramming isn't
good enough anymore. Now we need to go full Michael
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Bay on space rocks. The asteroid is currently over three
hundred and seventy nine million miles away, which means we're
planning to send nuclear weapons farther than most people will
ever travel to blow up a rock that probably won't
hit anything anyway. At this point, the asteroid probably wishes
it had just stayed in the outer Solar System, where
nobody would bother it with nuclear intervention plans. Elon Musk
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has decided to solve the loneliness epidemic, and his solution
is exactly what you'd expect from a guy who names
his kids after Wi Fi passwords sexy chatbots. That's right,
Xai just launched two AI companions who are ready to flirt,
strip down to lingerie and tell you they love you.
Meet Annie and Valentine, the digital relationship nobody asked for,
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but Elon built anyway. Here's how it works. You talk
to these cartoon characters, you level up like it's a
video game, and eventually Iani's jumping around in fishnets saying
things like Babe, I'm leaning in close my lips brushing yours,
which is romantic until you remember you're talking to code
on your phone while eating leftover pizza in your underwear. Now,
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every other AI company has stayed away from this, too
many risks. They said, Regulatory concerns, they said. Meanwhile, Elon's
over here posting videos of animated Annie dancing in her
underwear to his one hundred million followers on x, basically
running a strip club on the platform he owns. And
Elon's got a grand theory about all this. He thinks
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these sexy chatbots will actually increase the birth rate. Yes,
you heard that right. His plan to save humanity from
population collapse involves people forming emotional bonds with cartoon characters.
He posted, I predict counterintuitively that it will increase the
birth rate. Mark my words, counterintuitively is doing a lot
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of work. In that sentence, Elon, the chatbots have different personalities.
Annie jumps into sexual topics pretty quickly, Valentine, He's got
shaggy hair and a British accent. He'll talk about world
travel first, you know, a gentleman. They both reward you
with points for long conversations, like you're earning frequent flyer miles.
(07:58):
For emotional vulnerability. Congratulations, you've unlocked trauma dumping. Here's fifty
points an Annie in a lacey bra. So there you
have it. Elon Musk's latest venture, fixing civilization by getting
people emotionally attached to chatbots who stripped for points. What
could possibly go wrong? Portions of today's show were made
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with the help of AI, not the horny kind,