January 10, 2025 • 13 mins
In the latest episode of the podcast 'Femme on the Spectrum,' Elizabeth discusses the challenging family dynamics and social manipulation primarily experienced by neurodivergent individuals. This episode offers an in-depth look into the difficulties of being an autistic truth-teller in a family environment often full of unspoken rules and hidden agendas. Elizabeth shares her personal experiences of family strife, particularly her troubling relationship with her brother, Christopher, and the scapegoating she's been subjected to. She also provides practical strategies for dealing with such toxicity, including recognizing gaslighting and scapegoating, setting boundaries, seeking supportive relationships, and prioritizing self-care. This episode aims to provide a safe space for these topics to be discussed, hoping to resonate with listeners who may have similar experiences.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Step into a world where being neurodivergent is celebrated and
the conversations are as real as they are eye opening.
Welcome to fem on the Spectrum, where autism, ADHD and
life's biggest issues collide in the most empowering way. Hi everyone,
I'm Elizabeth, and I'm thrilled to have you back for
(00:27):
another episode of fem on the Spectrum, the podcast where
we dive into the beautiful chaos of life as an
autistic woman, navigating motherhood, politics, and sometimes just surviving the day.
Today's episode is one I've been meaning to tackle for
a while, family dynamics and social manipulation aka the Olympics
(00:52):
of emotional warfare. We're going to get into the nitty
gritty of how these dynamics impact autistic individuals and talk
about how to navigate them without losing your sanity or
your sense of humor. And yes, I'll be spilling some
tea about my own family, so buckle up. It's about
(01:12):
to get real, all right. Let's start by chatting about
something that I think a lot of us can relate to.
As autistic individuals, we tend to be truth tellers. We
inherently value clarity. Justice and fairness. Things that might get
us branded as blunt are too direct, but really it's
(01:33):
just our way of navigating the world. Transparency is our
comfort zone, and let's be honest, we appreciate things being
laid out as they are. Yet when it comes to
family dynamics, those values don't always mesh well. Family systems
often come with their own set of unspoken rules, loyalty
(01:54):
to the family unit, hierarchical respect, and sometimes even overlook
the truth to maintain a facade of harmony. These unspoken
rules can feel like a minefield for anyone, but especially
for us truth tellers. And here's where it gets even trickier.
Many of us have probably been scapegoaded or gas lit
(02:16):
within our families. It's that classic scenario where someone needs
to be blamed and the autistic person who values straightforward
communication often ends up being the easiest target. We might
find ourselves entangled in drama that seems to have no
logical basis, simply because our need for truth and clarity
(02:40):
threatens the delicate balance others are trying to maintain. So
if you've ever found yourself in this emotional tug of war,
you're definitely not alone. These experiences are painfully common among
neurodivergent individuals, and recognizing them is the first step to
nowavigating them effectively. All right, now, let's get a bit
(03:04):
personal and dive into a real life example. And yes,
I'm going to spill the tea about my own family dynamics.
As many of you know, being an autistic person often
means navigating complicated relationships, even with those who are supposed
to be closest to us. Here's a statistic that hit
(03:25):
close to home. According to research by the Cornell Family
Reconciliation Project, about twenty seven percent of American adults are
estranged from a family member. That's a pretty significant chunk
of the population. And I can tell you from experience
that neurodivergent individuals often find themselves in this group far
(03:48):
too frequently. In my own family, I've had my fair
share of tumultuous relationships. Let me tell you about my
middle brother, Christopher. For years, he was someone I trusted deeply.
We were the dynamic duo who used to back each
other up against the often unreasonable demands and actions of
(04:09):
our eldest brother and his wife. But recently something shifted.
Now Christopher seems to be aligning with the very people
he once criticized. He's caught up in this twisted game
of family politics, even monitoring my online activity and sharing
my posts with other family members, often twisting those posts
(04:33):
to fit a false narrative. It's like, really, congrats on
the spy work, Sherlock, but I don't care what you
think about what I say. And there's more. This isn't
just casual sharing. It's a deliberate effort to make me
look like the family's problem child, a common scapegoating tactic
(04:54):
that many neurodivergent individuals face. The whole aim is to
unite the family against a single target, and in my case,
that's me. For instance, they loved to bring up a
particular incident where I supposedly called my eldest brother's wife
and daughter some very unsavory names. What they conveniently leave
(05:17):
out is the context that my eldest brother attacked me
on Christmas, called me a stupid bitch, and even charged
at me as if he was going to hit me,
all in front of my child. I tried to appeal
to my eldest brother's empathy by writing, how would you
feel if I called your wife and daughter whorees. Instead
(05:39):
of understanding the context, he paraded that message, stripping it
of its context to paint me as the villain. It's
like their ace in the hole, their mic drop argument,
Elizabeth called my wife and daughter whorees. This strategy works
for them because it unites them against me, no matter
(06:00):
how skewed or incomplete the truth they present. The crazy
thing is Christopher went through something similar a few years
back himself. Back then, even if I didn't agree with
everything he did, I stood by him. I was loyal.
I even made significant sacrifices to support him, like not
(06:20):
inviting our dad to my son Max's fourth birthday party
to keep the peace for Christopher. But now he's turned
on me to join this popularity contest forgetting the support
I once offered. Scapegoating happens often within families, especially toward
neurodivergent members who are misunderstood or unfairly labeled as the problem.
(06:46):
It's a manipulative tactic that creates a false sense of
unity by isolating one member as the source of all issues.
If any of this sounds like your experience, trust me,
you are absolutely not all alone. Recognizing this toxic dynamic
is key to navigating it and protecting your mental well being. Hey, everyone,
(07:09):
let's talk about the exhausting nature of being scapegoated. If
you've ever been made the black sheep of the family,
you know exactly what I mean. It's more than just
a bad day here and there. It's emotionally draining, and
it seeps into every part of your life. Imagine constantly
being painted as the problem while the real troublemakers get
(07:31):
to keep their hands clean. And let's not forget the
facts that conveniently get swept under the rug. My eldest
brother's Christmas meltdown. Yep, they pretend it didn't happen. Instead,
they cling to manipulated bits of communication as their proof
against me. Manipulation isn't a solo act, folks, It's a
(07:51):
team effort. People are often convinced to protect the manipulator,
especially if it keeps the family drama free for them.
It's honestly kind of impressive how some folks can stir
the pot and then act like they're just innocent bystanders
having tea and minding their own business, and it gets worse.
(08:12):
Misunderstandings and scapegoating disproportionately impact autistic people. According to the
National Alliance on Mental Illness, family misunderstandings and family scapegoating
are way more common for us due to miscommunication and
societal stigma. It's like being different makes us automatic. Problem
(08:34):
magnets the audacity, right, And what's truly outrageous is that
the system protects itself by vilifying anyone who dares challenge it.
For my brother Christopher to turn on me despite having
been scapegoated himself, is an example of how deep this
manipulation can run. We autistic individuals might struggle more, but
(08:58):
that also means we see the truth clearly, even if
no one else wants to address it. All right, let's
talk about the lessons learned and key takeaways from dealing
with family dynamics and social manipulation. First up, recognizing the
signs of gaslighting and scapegoating. These are classic tactics that
(09:19):
manipulative people use to deflect, blame, and control the narrative.
If you constantly feel like you're being blamed for things
that aren't your fault, or if the truth is being
twisted to make you look like the villain, you're probably
dealing with gaslighting or scapegoating. Step one is to see
it for what it is. Now. Once you recognize these
(09:43):
toxic behaviors, it's crucial to set boundaries. Boundaries are your
best friend. They aren't just about keeping others out, they're
also about preserving your own mental health. If someone in
your family is monitoring your online activity, spreading rumors or
trying to twist your words, don't hesitate to block them
(10:03):
if necessary. This isn't petty. It's a form of self
preservation and mental self care. Next, surround yourself with supportive relationships,
even if they're outside your immediate family. True allies might
not be blood related, and that's perfectly okay. Lean into
the support system that uplifts you, whether it's your partner, friends,
(10:26):
or even an online community. For me, it's my partner,
my kids, and honestly, this podcast. These are the people
who help keep me grounded and remind me of who
I really am. And here's a fun thought. If your
family insists on casting you as the villain no matter
what you do, why not own it. Turn that narrative
(10:46):
around and use it to your advantage. If they're gonna
make you out to be the bad guy, give yourself
a killer villain monologue. Embrace it with humor, because sometimes
laughter really is the best medicine. Prioritize peace, boundaries, and yourself.
Remember you don't have to accept every invitation to chaos.
(11:07):
It's perfectly okay to choose serenity over constant conflict. Set
those boundaries, stick to them, and always make your mental
health a priority. At the end of the day, self
care is not selfish, it's essential. So to wrap this up,
recognize gaslighting and scapegoating, set and maintain boundaries, lean into
(11:30):
supportive relationships, own your narrative, and choose peace and self care.
These steps can help you navigate the tricky waters of
family dynamics without losing yourself in the process, and that
brings us to the end of today's episode. Family dynamics
can be amazed, especially for those of us on the spectrum.
(11:53):
Remember it's crucial to recognize toxic patterns like gas lighting
and scapegoating, and most importantly, set boundaries that prioritize your
mental health. Whether it's limiting contact or blocking someone monitoring
your online activity, always choose self preservation. Also, lean into
(12:13):
your support network, even if it's not within your immediate family.
Sometimes those who uplift you are the ones that matter
the most. I hope today's episode has resonated with you
and maybe even given you a few strategies to handle
your own family dramas. If you've got your own stories
or tips for dealing with manipulative people, I'd love to
(12:34):
hear from you, feel free to send them my way.
I might even share them in a future episode. Don't
forget to share this episode with anyone who might find
it helpful, and check the show notes for any resources
or links mentioned today. Thank you so much for tuning
in to FEM on the Spectrum. Until next time, take
(12:55):
care of yourself and don't let the haters get you down.
I'm Elizabeth. Sign up. Gosh yeah,
Step into a world where being neurodivergent is celebrated and
the conversations are as real as they are eye opening.
Welcome to fem on the Spectrum, where autism, ADHD and
life's biggest issues collide in the most empowering way. Hi everyone,
I'm Elizabeth, and I'm thrilled to have you back for
(00:27):
another episode of fem on the Spectrum, the podcast where
we dive into the beautiful chaos of life as an
autistic woman, navigating motherhood, politics, and sometimes just surviving the day.
Today's episode is one I've been meaning to tackle for
a while, family dynamics and social manipulation aka the Olympics
(00:52):
of emotional warfare. We're going to get into the nitty
gritty of how these dynamics impact autistic individuals and talk
about how to navigate them without losing your sanity or
your sense of humor. And yes, I'll be spilling some
tea about my own family, so buckle up. It's about
(01:12):
to get real, all right. Let's start by chatting about
something that I think a lot of us can relate to.
As autistic individuals, we tend to be truth tellers. We
inherently value clarity. Justice and fairness. Things that might get
us branded as blunt are too direct, but really it's
(01:33):
just our way of navigating the world. Transparency is our
comfort zone, and let's be honest, we appreciate things being
laid out as they are. Yet when it comes to
family dynamics, those values don't always mesh well. Family systems
often come with their own set of unspoken rules, loyalty
(01:54):
to the family unit, hierarchical respect, and sometimes even overlook
the truth to maintain a facade of harmony. These unspoken
rules can feel like a minefield for anyone, but especially
for us truth tellers. And here's where it gets even trickier.
Many of us have probably been scapegoaded or gas lit
(02:16):
within our families. It's that classic scenario where someone needs
to be blamed and the autistic person who values straightforward
communication often ends up being the easiest target. We might
find ourselves entangled in drama that seems to have no
logical basis, simply because our need for truth and clarity
(02:40):
threatens the delicate balance others are trying to maintain. So
if you've ever found yourself in this emotional tug of war,
you're definitely not alone. These experiences are painfully common among
neurodivergent individuals, and recognizing them is the first step to
nowavigating them effectively. All right, now, let's get a bit
(03:04):
personal and dive into a real life example. And yes,
I'm going to spill the tea about my own family dynamics.
As many of you know, being an autistic person often
means navigating complicated relationships, even with those who are supposed
to be closest to us. Here's a statistic that hit
(03:25):
close to home. According to research by the Cornell Family
Reconciliation Project, about twenty seven percent of American adults are
estranged from a family member. That's a pretty significant chunk
of the population. And I can tell you from experience
that neurodivergent individuals often find themselves in this group far
(03:48):
too frequently. In my own family, I've had my fair
share of tumultuous relationships. Let me tell you about my
middle brother, Christopher. For years, he was someone I trusted deeply.
We were the dynamic duo who used to back each
other up against the often unreasonable demands and actions of
(04:09):
our eldest brother and his wife. But recently something shifted.
Now Christopher seems to be aligning with the very people
he once criticized. He's caught up in this twisted game
of family politics, even monitoring my online activity and sharing
my posts with other family members, often twisting those posts
(04:33):
to fit a false narrative. It's like, really, congrats on
the spy work, Sherlock, but I don't care what you
think about what I say. And there's more. This isn't
just casual sharing. It's a deliberate effort to make me
look like the family's problem child, a common scapegoating tactic
(04:54):
that many neurodivergent individuals face. The whole aim is to
unite the family against a single target, and in my case,
that's me. For instance, they loved to bring up a
particular incident where I supposedly called my eldest brother's wife
and daughter some very unsavory names. What they conveniently leave
(05:17):
out is the context that my eldest brother attacked me
on Christmas, called me a stupid bitch, and even charged
at me as if he was going to hit me,
all in front of my child. I tried to appeal
to my eldest brother's empathy by writing, how would you
feel if I called your wife and daughter whorees. Instead
(05:39):
of understanding the context, he paraded that message, stripping it
of its context to paint me as the villain. It's
like their ace in the hole, their mic drop argument,
Elizabeth called my wife and daughter whorees. This strategy works
for them because it unites them against me, no matter
(06:00):
how skewed or incomplete the truth they present. The crazy
thing is Christopher went through something similar a few years
back himself. Back then, even if I didn't agree with
everything he did, I stood by him. I was loyal.
I even made significant sacrifices to support him, like not
(06:20):
inviting our dad to my son Max's fourth birthday party
to keep the peace for Christopher. But now he's turned
on me to join this popularity contest forgetting the support
I once offered. Scapegoating happens often within families, especially toward
neurodivergent members who are misunderstood or unfairly labeled as the problem.
(06:46):
It's a manipulative tactic that creates a false sense of
unity by isolating one member as the source of all issues.
If any of this sounds like your experience, trust me,
you are absolutely not all alone. Recognizing this toxic dynamic
is key to navigating it and protecting your mental well being. Hey, everyone,
(07:09):
let's talk about the exhausting nature of being scapegoated. If
you've ever been made the black sheep of the family,
you know exactly what I mean. It's more than just
a bad day here and there. It's emotionally draining, and
it seeps into every part of your life. Imagine constantly
being painted as the problem while the real troublemakers get
(07:31):
to keep their hands clean. And let's not forget the
facts that conveniently get swept under the rug. My eldest
brother's Christmas meltdown. Yep, they pretend it didn't happen. Instead,
they cling to manipulated bits of communication as their proof
against me. Manipulation isn't a solo act, folks, It's a
(07:51):
team effort. People are often convinced to protect the manipulator,
especially if it keeps the family drama free for them.
It's honestly kind of impressive how some folks can stir
the pot and then act like they're just innocent bystanders
having tea and minding their own business, and it gets worse.
(08:12):
Misunderstandings and scapegoating disproportionately impact autistic people. According to the
National Alliance on Mental Illness, family misunderstandings and family scapegoating
are way more common for us due to miscommunication and
societal stigma. It's like being different makes us automatic. Problem
(08:34):
magnets the audacity, right, And what's truly outrageous is that
the system protects itself by vilifying anyone who dares challenge it.
For my brother Christopher to turn on me despite having
been scapegoated himself, is an example of how deep this
manipulation can run. We autistic individuals might struggle more, but
(08:58):
that also means we see the truth clearly, even if
no one else wants to address it. All right, let's
talk about the lessons learned and key takeaways from dealing
with family dynamics and social manipulation. First up, recognizing the
signs of gaslighting and scapegoating. These are classic tactics that
(09:19):
manipulative people use to deflect, blame, and control the narrative.
If you constantly feel like you're being blamed for things
that aren't your fault, or if the truth is being
twisted to make you look like the villain, you're probably
dealing with gaslighting or scapegoating. Step one is to see
it for what it is. Now. Once you recognize these
(09:43):
toxic behaviors, it's crucial to set boundaries. Boundaries are your
best friend. They aren't just about keeping others out, they're
also about preserving your own mental health. If someone in
your family is monitoring your online activity, spreading rumors or
trying to twist your words, don't hesitate to block them
(10:03):
if necessary. This isn't petty. It's a form of self
preservation and mental self care. Next, surround yourself with supportive relationships,
even if they're outside your immediate family. True allies might
not be blood related, and that's perfectly okay. Lean into
the support system that uplifts you, whether it's your partner, friends,
(10:26):
or even an online community. For me, it's my partner,
my kids, and honestly, this podcast. These are the people
who help keep me grounded and remind me of who
I really am. And here's a fun thought. If your
family insists on casting you as the villain no matter
what you do, why not own it. Turn that narrative
(10:46):
around and use it to your advantage. If they're gonna
make you out to be the bad guy, give yourself
a killer villain monologue. Embrace it with humor, because sometimes
laughter really is the best medicine. Prioritize peace, boundaries, and yourself.
Remember you don't have to accept every invitation to chaos.
(11:07):
It's perfectly okay to choose serenity over constant conflict. Set
those boundaries, stick to them, and always make your mental
health a priority. At the end of the day, self
care is not selfish, it's essential. So to wrap this up,
recognize gaslighting and scapegoating, set and maintain boundaries, lean into
(11:30):
supportive relationships, own your narrative, and choose peace and self care.
These steps can help you navigate the tricky waters of
family dynamics without losing yourself in the process, and that
brings us to the end of today's episode. Family dynamics
can be amazed, especially for those of us on the spectrum.
(11:53):
Remember it's crucial to recognize toxic patterns like gas lighting
and scapegoating, and most importantly, set boundaries that prioritize your
mental health. Whether it's limiting contact or blocking someone monitoring
your online activity, always choose self preservation. Also, lean into
(12:13):
your support network, even if it's not within your immediate family.
Sometimes those who uplift you are the ones that matter
the most. I hope today's episode has resonated with you
and maybe even given you a few strategies to handle
your own family dramas. If you've got your own stories
or tips for dealing with manipulative people, I'd love to
(12:34):
hear from you, feel free to send them my way.
I might even share them in a future episode. Don't
forget to share this episode with anyone who might find
it helpful, and check the show notes for any resources
or links mentioned today. Thank you so much for tuning
in to FEM on the Spectrum. Until next time, take
(12:55):
care of yourself and don't let the haters get you down.
I'm Elizabeth. Sign up. Gosh yeah,
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