January 18, 2025 • 26 mins
The podcast episode titled "Femme on the Spectrum" is hosted by Elizabeth and focuses on understanding and spreading awareness about reactive abuse and how it disproportionately affects neurodivergent and autistic women. Reactive abuse is a scenario where the victim of ongoing mistreatment reacts, only for the abuser to manipulate this response to appear as the aggressor. Elizabeth explores how the emotional intensity of autistic women can be misconstrued and weaponized against them in these situations. The episode also explores the social biases and manipulation tactics, particularly from covert narcissists, that exacerbate the issue. She shares personal stories and offers practical solutions like grounding techniques, journaling, and self-trust to reclaim power and navigate these challenges. By the end, listeners are reminded that their experiences are valid, encouraging their resilience in the face of manipulation and abuse.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Step into a world where being neurodivergent is celebrated and
the conversations are as real as they are eye opening.
Welcome to fem on the spectrum where autism, ADHD and
life's biggest issues collide in the most empowering way. I'm
your host, Elizabeth, and I'm so glad to have you
all here today. All right, let's cut to the chase.
(00:27):
Today we're diving into something that's both personal and rage inducing,
reactive abuse. If you're thinking like, what on earth is that,
don't worry. We're going to unpack it all. Reactive abuse
is when a victim, pushed to their limits, finally reacts
to ongoing mistreatment. Maybe they yell or send a snarky email,
(00:49):
and then boom, the abuser flips the script to make
them look like the aggressor. It's a classic play from
the narcissist's handbook. Now let me tell you For autistic women,
this hits on a whole other level. We feel deeply
and react passionately, which puts us at a heightened risk
of being targeted this way. Today, we'll break down why
(01:13):
this happens, how it affects us, in what we can
do to protect ourselves. I'm also going to share some
of my own personal stories because healing is messy, but
sharing is powerful. So grab your weighted blanket or your
favorite stem toy and settle in. We've got a lot
to cover, and trust me, you won't want to miss
(01:33):
a minute of it. So what exactly is reactive abuse?
Let's break it down. Reactive abuse occurs when someone who's
been mistreated finally hits a breaking point and reacts. Think
about it. You're pushed and pushed until one day you snap,
and maybe you yell, or you shoot off an angry
(01:55):
email or get sarcastic, and guess what happens next. The abuser,
usually a narcissist, twists your reaction to make you look
like the aggressor. It's like they're the director of a
horror movie, but the only scene they show is where
the victim is screaming. They leave out the part where
the killer was chasing them with a chainsaw. Classic manipulation tactic.
(02:19):
Right now, For us autistic women, this type of abuse
has a unique twist. We process emotions differently and we
feel things on a deep, heightened level, so when we
eventually react, it's not just a mild response, it's an
emotional explosion. Society doesn't get that, so our reactions are
(02:40):
often misinterpreted. The next thing you know, we're labeled as
unstable or overly dramatic. It's emotional entrapment at its finest.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, many abuse victims
report that their abusers use their reactions against them. They
hold up our reactions like some twisted trophy, saying, see,
(03:04):
look how crazy they are and trust me. This tactic
is devastatingly effective, especially for us. So it's not just
about the abuse itself. It's about how our authentic reactions
get weaponized. And it doesn't end there. These manipulative narratives
seep into every part of our lives, often making us
(03:26):
feel isolated and misunderstood. But awareness is the first step
in reclaiming our power. So stay with me, because we're
going to navigate this together. All right, let's zero in
on why autistic women are more susceptible to reactive abuse.
It's a layered issue, so let's peel back those layers
(03:47):
one by one. First off, let's talk about communication challenges.
Autistic women often communicate more literally than our neurotypical counterparts.
We say what we mean and mean what we say,
but this straightforwardness can be weaponized against us. Imagine having
your words twisted or crucial context conveniently left out. It's
(04:10):
like trying to solve a Rubik's cube blindfolded. You know
the pieces don't fit, but you can't figure out how
they messed it up. This manipulation can make you question
your reality and feel constantly misunderstood. Then there's the intensity
of our emotions. For many of us, emotions aren't just feelings.
(04:31):
They're a full blown experience. Picture Beethoven conducting a symphony
of frustration. That's what it's like when we feel anger, joy,
or sadness. Our reactions can be intense, and when we
finally explode, it's like someone threw a match into a
room full of fireworks. Unfortunately, these passionate responses are often
(04:53):
used to label us as unstable or over dramatic, which
is profoundly unfair. And let's not forget societal biases. Autistic
women are frequently tagged as difficult or hypersensitive. When an
abuser manages to flip the narrative, people often believe them
because society is more inclined to view us as problematic.
(05:18):
It's like playing a rigged game of Uno with someone
who keeps hiding draw four cards, but you're the one
who gets kicked out of game night for ruining the vibe.
To add insult to injury, research shows that women on
the spectrum are more likely to experience emotional abuse in relationships.
(05:41):
We're already navigating a world that doesn't fully understand us,
and this kind of abuse makes it even more challenging.
The emotional entrapment becomes insidious, making it harder to convince
others of what's actually happening. So when a narcissist spins
the story, it's like being trapped in a nightmare where
(06:02):
you're the only one who sees the monster. But understanding
why we're vulnerable is the first step in turning the tide.
We have the power to reclaim our narrative and protect
ourselves even when it feels like the odds are stacked
against us. Stick around because we're going to explore just
how to do that in the next parts of this episode.
(06:24):
Let me share my story. After I finally got out
of an abusive marriage, I thought the worst was behind me,
But oh boy, was I wrong. I wanted to heal
my relationship with my eldest brother. Now some backstory for you.
This is a guy who thought it was acceptable to
verbally abuse me, threaten to assault me, and call me
(06:45):
charming names like stupid bitch. Real family values right. Anyway,
I reached out to him four times, asking for a
conversation with a therapist or a mediator. Heck, even our
aunt who's a therapy Every single request was shot down
faster than you could say toxic. But did I give up? Nope?
(07:09):
I sent him an email. I wrote something like, how
would you feel if someone called your wife or daughter whore?
How would you feel if someone did what you did
to me to your wife and daughter? And guess what happened.
He twisted that email like a balloon animal at a
kid's party. He showed it to our family and said,
(07:31):
she's calling my wife and daughter whoores. Suddenly, I was
the villain in this twisted family drama, and his wife
completely enables him and perpetuates the narrative. This, my friends,
is classic narcissistic manipulation. They love leaving out context. It's
(07:52):
like they're editing a movie to cut out all the
parts where they're the bad guy. My brother told people
that I call called the police to do a welfare
check on my mother twice, but conveniently left out the
part that he was threatening me with a restraining order
and that I would never see my parents again, and
(08:15):
many other threats that would be too many to mention here.
I called the police out of fear, and they asked
if I wanted them to stop by and check on
my mother. I set a subconscious sure, but the point
of the call was to document and report my brother's
harassment that, by the way, went on for four days
(08:36):
with horrible harassment. He also forgot to tell people that
the second time I called the police was because he
had blocked my number from her phone for two weeks,
and when I was desperate to speak to her because
I was going to be on our local AM morning show,
I called the police to see if they could help
(08:57):
her unblock my number. And his wife never told any
of that. They just said, oh, she called the police
on her mother again. They emitted the messy details, all
the while staying the calm ones. Studies actually show that
people tend to believe the calm party in a conflict,
(09:18):
which is infuriating when the calm one is the abuser.
My family just looked at my reaction and thought, oh,
she's the crazy one. It's heartbreaking and enraging at the
same time, and dealing with this kind of manipulation is
a unique challenge within families. Covert narcissists aren't like the
obvious villains in movies. They're charming, oh so subtle, and
(09:41):
insanely good at making you look like the irrational one.
My brother, to this day, my family sees him as
the rational, level headed one and me as the difficult one,
all because I dared to stand up for myself. If
you're going through something like this, no, oh, you're not alone.
(10:01):
Covert narcissists twists the story so well that even those
closest to you might not see the truth. But here's
the thing. You don't need their validation to heal. Trust yourself,
trust your emotions, and don't let anyone take that from you.
Let's dive into one of the lengthiest playbooks of narcissistic
(10:25):
manipulation their tactics. First up, we've got selective storytelling and
detail cherry picking. This is where narcissists really shine. They
take pieces of the truth and form a narrative that
makes them look like a saint and you like the
villain picture it. They're like movie directors carefully editing the
(10:45):
film of your life. All the horrific scenes where they're
the villain, Snip, snip gone. All that's left is the
part where you scream and terror and while instant bad guy,
they create a story where they're the calm, rational one
and we the victims, are just losing it for no
reason at all. But wait, there's more. Enter the flying monkeys. No,
(11:10):
not actual monkeys, although that might be preferable. This term
hails from the Wizard of Oz and refers to people
who unknowingly or willingly support the narcissist's narrative. These could
be family members, friends, co workers, basically anyone who the
narcissist can recruit to spread their twisted version of events.
(11:34):
It's like they've got their own toxic pr team running
around broadcasting this manipulated story to anyone who'll listen. And
because these people might be well meaning, you, being cast
as the difficult party becomes even more convincing. Let's talk
about societal biases next, because, oh boy, do they play
(11:54):
a role. Society tends to favor the calm, collected manipulators
over them those of us who are emotionally reactive. Studies
even show that nearly sixty percent of people believe a
calm demeanor is a sign of truthfulness. Now, who do
you think has mastered the art of seeming calm and
(12:15):
collected ding ding? It's the narcissist. They know that the
world is more likely to side with the person who
appears rational, even if that person is a master manipulator.
So when a narcissist flips the script, people are inclined
to see them as the victim and believe that the
(12:36):
emotionally reactive person us is the crazy one and the
final touch in this manipulative masterpiece. Narcissists play the victim
role convincingly. It's like they're auditioning for an oscar. Have
you ever noticed how abusers always act like their hearts
are broken when the victim finally sets a boundary, They
(12:57):
break out the fake tears, the theatrical sigh, and the
oh woe is me narratives. They'll tell anyone who listens,
especially their flying monkeys, how you're the one who hurt them.
It's a show and they're the star. Expertly diverting attention
from their own toxic behaviors. So there you have it,
(13:18):
the strategies that narcissists use to twist reality and paint
themselves as the innocent party. In the next part of
this episode, we'll explore the psychology behind why these tactics
are so effective and how they exploit our literal communication
and deep emotional responses. You won't want to miss it.
(13:41):
All right, it's time to uncover one of the most
mind bending aspects of narcissistic abuse, covert narcissism. These sneaky
manipulators are difficult to identify because they don't wear their
toxicity on their sleeves. Nope, they mask it with charm
and subtlety, pulling the wool over everyone's and let me
tell you they are really, really good at it. First,
(14:05):
let's talk about why covert narcissists are so hard to spot.
Unlike their more ostentatious counterparts, covert narcissists are all about
low key manipulation. They come off as charming, considerate, and
even self effacing. It's like dealing with a wolf in
sheep's clothing. They blend in so well that you don't
(14:27):
realize there's a predator in your midst until it's too late.
They softly twist situations and words, making you question your reality.
My brother, for instance, often appeared as the rational one
to my family while subtly undercutting me behind the scenes.
It's a mind game, pure and simple. Now, let's consider
(14:49):
the role of charm and subtle manipulation. Covert narcissists use
their charisma to convince family and friends that they're the reasonable,
level headed ones. This isn't the over the top, grandiose
narcissism you might expect. Instead, it's about using social graces
(15:09):
to manipulate perceptions. They excel at selective storytelling, only revealing
parts of the truth that cast them in a favorable
light while conveniently omitting the messy, abusive details. Think of
them as reality TV producers editing the footage to create
a specific and very misleading narrative to give you a
(15:33):
clear picture. Let's revisit my family dynamic. Despite my brother's
history of verbal abuse and threats, he managed to convince
our family that he was the victim of my overreactions.
He did this by showcasing my emotional responses while hiding
his provocations. So when I finally stood up for myself,
(15:54):
guess who the family saw as the aggressor. Spoiler alert,
it wasn't him. This selective story telling from my brother
painted me as difficult and hypersensitive, when in fact I
was just reacting to years of mistreatment and his wife
is definitely not off the hook. She is his flying
monkey and could possibly be a covert narcissist as well.
(16:17):
Her tactics are similiar to trying to look like Mother Teresa,
yet she will leave out information or just twist it
just enough, like the time her and I had a
completely amicable text exchange. She told my middle brother, who
she managed to manipulate, that I was being rude to her.
(16:37):
In turn, my brother called the police on me, stating
I posted pictures of children on the Internet, when in
actuality was a family picture on my personal Facebook page. Yeah,
she is a real treat. She will pretend to defend
me all the while leaving out any context to the
subject that would make me look rational. Or the time
(17:00):
she tried to turn me against my other sister in
law by stating she lets her sister take her daughter
out to lunch, but she won't let you I didn't
fall for it. I remember thinking, Wow, that is really divisive.
I kept that in my little pattern recognition mind, along
with all the other little things I would notice about her.
(17:21):
In fact, I am sure they are critical of me
saying these things, But the only difference between her and
I is that she is quiet about it drops little
bits of information, while I just say it out loud
for everyone to hear. If you're in a similar situation,
know that you're not alone. Covert narcissists twist narratives so
(17:45):
masterfully that even those closest to you might not see
the truth. It's like you're living in an alternate reality
where up is down and black is white. But here's
the silver lining. You don't need their validation to heal
or reclaim your power. Trust your experience, and know that
your feelings are valid. Identifying the manipulation is the first
(18:08):
step toward breaking free. So keep listening, stay vigilant, and
remember you're stronger than you think. Now, let's dive into
one of the most perplexing aspects of dealing with narcissists,
the psychology behind their behavior. Buckle up, because we're going
to explore how they masterfully control perceptions and induce self
(18:32):
doubt in their targets. First off, narcissists are experts at
controlling how others see them. They craft an image of
themselves that is calm, collected, and rational. It's like they're
always auditioning for the role of the innocent victim or
the misunderstood genius. They expertly twist situations to make you
(18:54):
question your own reality. One moment, you're sure of what happened,
and the next you're doubting your own memory. It's a
form of gaslighting that, over time erodes your self confidence
and leaves you feeling disoriented and unsure. This tactic is
especially potent on autistic women, who often take people's words
(19:15):
at face value. We tend to operate on a level
of honesty and literal interpretation, which means when someone says something,
we believe they mean it. When a narcissist twists their
words later, it throws us off balance. We end up
feeling confused, frustrated, and unable to understand how we missed
(19:37):
the hidden meaning. Imagine trying to solve a puzzle where
the pieces keep changing shape. That's what it's like dealing
with this kind of manipulation. Now, let's talk about societal biases.
Society tends to favor those who appear calm and collected,
associating these traits with truthfulness and reliability. Studies show that
(20:00):
nearly sixty percent of people believe a calm demeanor is
a sign of honesty, even if the calm person is
the manipulative one. Narcissists exploit this bias to the fullest.
They remain cool under pressure, knowing that their serene facade
makes their emotionally reactive victim look unhinged. It's a cruel
(20:23):
but effective way to shift blame and maintain control. The
statistics back this up. Nearly sixty percent of people are
more likely to believe someone who appears calm and collected.
This is a powerful tool in the narcissist's arsenal. They
know that by staying calm, they can manipulate the narrative
(20:44):
and convince others that they are the wronged party. Meanwhile,
the genuine emotional responses of the victim are viewed as
instability or irrationality. So there you have it. The psychology
behind why nari scissistic tactics are so effective. They control
perceptions and do self doubt, exploit societal biases, and use
(21:08):
calmness as a deceptive tool. In the next segment, we're
going to talk about how you can reclaim your power
and protect yourself from this kind of manipulation. Stay tuned,
all right, It's time to talk about something really empowering.
Reclaiming your power. Yes, it is completely possible, even if
(21:30):
you've been through the ringer with reactive abuse. So let's
dive into some techniques and strategies to help you get
back in the driver's seat of your life. First up,
grounding techniques. Picture this, You're feeling overwhelmed, your heart is racing,
and it feels like the weight of the world is
on your shoulders. What do you do? Grounding techniques can
(21:54):
be your best friend in these moments. Try taking deep breaths,
counting backward from ten, or even reciting a grounding statement
like I am safe and my feelings are valid. These
small actions can help bring you back to the present moment,
calm your nervous system, and keep you from reacting in
(22:15):
a way that can be weaponized against you later. Next,
let's talk about reframing the narrative through journaling. Seriously, journaling
isn't just for teenagers with crushes. It's a powerful tool
for self reflection and emotional processing. Instead of sending that
angry email or having that heated conversation, grab a pen
(22:37):
and ride out what you wish you could say. Not
only does this give you an outlet for your emotions,
but it also helps you organize your thoughts and see
things from a new perspective. Think of your journal as
your personal safe space where you can let it all
out without fear of judgment or repercussion. Now let's get
a bit techy. Use technology to document patterns of behavior.
(23:01):
This can be as simple as using a calendar app
to note down incidents, or even specialized apps designed for
this purpose. Documenting these patterns isn't just useful for legal reasons.
It helps you keep track of reality. When you're being
gas lit, it's easy to start doubting your own memory.
Having a documented record serves as a reality check and
(23:25):
empowers you to trust your own experiences. It's like having
a little piece of truth in your pocket, ready to
pull out when you need it. And finally, let's talk
about the importance of self trust and writing your own truth.
If there's one takeaway from today's episode. Let it be this,
Your feelings and experiences are valid. Narcissists and abusers thrive
(23:50):
on making you doubt yourself, But reclaiming your power means
taking back control of your own narrative. Write your story
from your perspective, own your truth, and let it be
your guiding star. Remember you are the narrator of your life,
and no one else gets to hold the pen. So
there you have it. Grounding techniques, the power of journaling,
(24:13):
smart use of technology, and the crucial act of self trust.
These tools can help you navigate the tumultuous waters of
reactive abuse and come out stronger on the other side.
You've got this, and you are so much stronger than
you think. Reactive abuse isn't your fault. Let me repeat
(24:34):
that for the people in the back, It's not your fault.
If you've been through the emotional rollercoaster we talked about today,
know that you are not alone. You're not crazy or
unstable for reacting to years of mistreatment. Your human and
your emotions are valid. In fact, your intensity, honesty, and
passion are some of your greatest strengths. They make you
(24:56):
who you are, and who you are is absolutely amazing.
Now I want you to do something for me. If
you found value in today's episode, if it resonated with
you in any way, please subscribe to fem on the Spectrum,
Share this episode with someone who might need to hear it,
and leave a review. Your support helps spread awareness and
(25:18):
can make a huge difference for someone who's struggling to
understand their own experiences. The final thought I want to
leave you with is this, Trust your truth. You know
your reality better than anyone else. Don't let anyone gaslight
you into doubting your own experiences. Advocate for yourself, use
(25:38):
the tools we discussed, and remember that you are stronger
than you think. Thank you for tuning in to fem
on the Spectrum. I'm Elizabeth and it's been an honor
to walk through this emotional journey with you today. Until
next time, take care of yourself, trust your truth, and
keep shining your light bright. Ter
Step into a world where being neurodivergent is celebrated and
the conversations are as real as they are eye opening.
Welcome to fem on the spectrum where autism, ADHD and
life's biggest issues collide in the most empowering way. I'm
your host, Elizabeth, and I'm so glad to have you
all here today. All right, let's cut to the chase.
(00:27):
Today we're diving into something that's both personal and rage inducing,
reactive abuse. If you're thinking like, what on earth is that,
don't worry. We're going to unpack it all. Reactive abuse
is when a victim, pushed to their limits, finally reacts
to ongoing mistreatment. Maybe they yell or send a snarky email,
(00:49):
and then boom, the abuser flips the script to make
them look like the aggressor. It's a classic play from
the narcissist's handbook. Now let me tell you For autistic women,
this hits on a whole other level. We feel deeply
and react passionately, which puts us at a heightened risk
of being targeted this way. Today, we'll break down why
(01:13):
this happens, how it affects us, in what we can
do to protect ourselves. I'm also going to share some
of my own personal stories because healing is messy, but
sharing is powerful. So grab your weighted blanket or your
favorite stem toy and settle in. We've got a lot
to cover, and trust me, you won't want to miss
(01:33):
a minute of it. So what exactly is reactive abuse?
Let's break it down. Reactive abuse occurs when someone who's
been mistreated finally hits a breaking point and reacts. Think
about it. You're pushed and pushed until one day you snap,
and maybe you yell, or you shoot off an angry
(01:55):
email or get sarcastic, and guess what happens next. The abuser,
usually a narcissist, twists your reaction to make you look
like the aggressor. It's like they're the director of a
horror movie, but the only scene they show is where
the victim is screaming. They leave out the part where
the killer was chasing them with a chainsaw. Classic manipulation tactic.
(02:19):
Right now, For us autistic women, this type of abuse
has a unique twist. We process emotions differently and we
feel things on a deep, heightened level, so when we
eventually react, it's not just a mild response, it's an
emotional explosion. Society doesn't get that, so our reactions are
(02:40):
often misinterpreted. The next thing you know, we're labeled as
unstable or overly dramatic. It's emotional entrapment at its finest.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, many abuse victims
report that their abusers use their reactions against them. They
hold up our reactions like some twisted trophy, saying, see,
(03:04):
look how crazy they are and trust me. This tactic
is devastatingly effective, especially for us. So it's not just
about the abuse itself. It's about how our authentic reactions
get weaponized. And it doesn't end there. These manipulative narratives
seep into every part of our lives, often making us
(03:26):
feel isolated and misunderstood. But awareness is the first step
in reclaiming our power. So stay with me, because we're
going to navigate this together. All right, let's zero in
on why autistic women are more susceptible to reactive abuse.
It's a layered issue, so let's peel back those layers
(03:47):
one by one. First off, let's talk about communication challenges.
Autistic women often communicate more literally than our neurotypical counterparts.
We say what we mean and mean what we say,
but this straightforwardness can be weaponized against us. Imagine having
your words twisted or crucial context conveniently left out. It's
(04:10):
like trying to solve a Rubik's cube blindfolded. You know
the pieces don't fit, but you can't figure out how
they messed it up. This manipulation can make you question
your reality and feel constantly misunderstood. Then there's the intensity
of our emotions. For many of us, emotions aren't just feelings.
(04:31):
They're a full blown experience. Picture Beethoven conducting a symphony
of frustration. That's what it's like when we feel anger, joy,
or sadness. Our reactions can be intense, and when we
finally explode, it's like someone threw a match into a
room full of fireworks. Unfortunately, these passionate responses are often
(04:53):
used to label us as unstable or over dramatic, which
is profoundly unfair. And let's not forget societal biases. Autistic
women are frequently tagged as difficult or hypersensitive. When an
abuser manages to flip the narrative, people often believe them
because society is more inclined to view us as problematic.
(05:18):
It's like playing a rigged game of Uno with someone
who keeps hiding draw four cards, but you're the one
who gets kicked out of game night for ruining the vibe.
To add insult to injury, research shows that women on
the spectrum are more likely to experience emotional abuse in relationships.
(05:41):
We're already navigating a world that doesn't fully understand us,
and this kind of abuse makes it even more challenging.
The emotional entrapment becomes insidious, making it harder to convince
others of what's actually happening. So when a narcissist spins
the story, it's like being trapped in a nightmare where
(06:02):
you're the only one who sees the monster. But understanding
why we're vulnerable is the first step in turning the tide.
We have the power to reclaim our narrative and protect
ourselves even when it feels like the odds are stacked
against us. Stick around because we're going to explore just
how to do that in the next parts of this episode.
(06:24):
Let me share my story. After I finally got out
of an abusive marriage, I thought the worst was behind me,
But oh boy, was I wrong. I wanted to heal
my relationship with my eldest brother. Now some backstory for you.
This is a guy who thought it was acceptable to
verbally abuse me, threaten to assault me, and call me
(06:45):
charming names like stupid bitch. Real family values right. Anyway,
I reached out to him four times, asking for a
conversation with a therapist or a mediator. Heck, even our
aunt who's a therapy Every single request was shot down
faster than you could say toxic. But did I give up? Nope?
(07:09):
I sent him an email. I wrote something like, how
would you feel if someone called your wife or daughter whore?
How would you feel if someone did what you did
to me to your wife and daughter? And guess what happened.
He twisted that email like a balloon animal at a
kid's party. He showed it to our family and said,
(07:31):
she's calling my wife and daughter whoores. Suddenly, I was
the villain in this twisted family drama, and his wife
completely enables him and perpetuates the narrative. This, my friends,
is classic narcissistic manipulation. They love leaving out context. It's
(07:52):
like they're editing a movie to cut out all the
parts where they're the bad guy. My brother told people
that I call called the police to do a welfare
check on my mother twice, but conveniently left out the
part that he was threatening me with a restraining order
and that I would never see my parents again, and
(08:15):
many other threats that would be too many to mention here.
I called the police out of fear, and they asked
if I wanted them to stop by and check on
my mother. I set a subconscious sure, but the point
of the call was to document and report my brother's
harassment that, by the way, went on for four days
(08:36):
with horrible harassment. He also forgot to tell people that
the second time I called the police was because he
had blocked my number from her phone for two weeks,
and when I was desperate to speak to her because
I was going to be on our local AM morning show,
I called the police to see if they could help
(08:57):
her unblock my number. And his wife never told any
of that. They just said, oh, she called the police
on her mother again. They emitted the messy details, all
the while staying the calm ones. Studies actually show that
people tend to believe the calm party in a conflict,
(09:18):
which is infuriating when the calm one is the abuser.
My family just looked at my reaction and thought, oh,
she's the crazy one. It's heartbreaking and enraging at the
same time, and dealing with this kind of manipulation is
a unique challenge within families. Covert narcissists aren't like the
obvious villains in movies. They're charming, oh so subtle, and
(09:41):
insanely good at making you look like the irrational one.
My brother, to this day, my family sees him as
the rational, level headed one and me as the difficult one,
all because I dared to stand up for myself. If
you're going through something like this, no, oh, you're not alone.
(10:01):
Covert narcissists twists the story so well that even those
closest to you might not see the truth. But here's
the thing. You don't need their validation to heal. Trust yourself,
trust your emotions, and don't let anyone take that from you.
Let's dive into one of the lengthiest playbooks of narcissistic
(10:25):
manipulation their tactics. First up, we've got selective storytelling and
detail cherry picking. This is where narcissists really shine. They
take pieces of the truth and form a narrative that
makes them look like a saint and you like the
villain picture it. They're like movie directors carefully editing the
(10:45):
film of your life. All the horrific scenes where they're
the villain, Snip, snip gone. All that's left is the
part where you scream and terror and while instant bad guy,
they create a story where they're the calm, rational one
and we the victims, are just losing it for no
reason at all. But wait, there's more. Enter the flying monkeys. No,
(11:10):
not actual monkeys, although that might be preferable. This term
hails from the Wizard of Oz and refers to people
who unknowingly or willingly support the narcissist's narrative. These could
be family members, friends, co workers, basically anyone who the
narcissist can recruit to spread their twisted version of events.
(11:34):
It's like they've got their own toxic pr team running
around broadcasting this manipulated story to anyone who'll listen. And
because these people might be well meaning, you, being cast
as the difficult party becomes even more convincing. Let's talk
about societal biases next, because, oh boy, do they play
(11:54):
a role. Society tends to favor the calm, collected manipulators
over them those of us who are emotionally reactive. Studies
even show that nearly sixty percent of people believe a
calm demeanor is a sign of truthfulness. Now, who do
you think has mastered the art of seeming calm and
(12:15):
collected ding ding? It's the narcissist. They know that the
world is more likely to side with the person who
appears rational, even if that person is a master manipulator.
So when a narcissist flips the script, people are inclined
to see them as the victim and believe that the
(12:36):
emotionally reactive person us is the crazy one and the
final touch in this manipulative masterpiece. Narcissists play the victim
role convincingly. It's like they're auditioning for an oscar. Have
you ever noticed how abusers always act like their hearts
are broken when the victim finally sets a boundary, They
(12:57):
break out the fake tears, the theatrical sigh, and the
oh woe is me narratives. They'll tell anyone who listens,
especially their flying monkeys, how you're the one who hurt them.
It's a show and they're the star. Expertly diverting attention
from their own toxic behaviors. So there you have it,
(13:18):
the strategies that narcissists use to twist reality and paint
themselves as the innocent party. In the next part of
this episode, we'll explore the psychology behind why these tactics
are so effective and how they exploit our literal communication
and deep emotional responses. You won't want to miss it.
(13:41):
All right, it's time to uncover one of the most
mind bending aspects of narcissistic abuse, covert narcissism. These sneaky
manipulators are difficult to identify because they don't wear their
toxicity on their sleeves. Nope, they mask it with charm
and subtlety, pulling the wool over everyone's and let me
tell you they are really, really good at it. First,
(14:05):
let's talk about why covert narcissists are so hard to spot.
Unlike their more ostentatious counterparts, covert narcissists are all about
low key manipulation. They come off as charming, considerate, and
even self effacing. It's like dealing with a wolf in
sheep's clothing. They blend in so well that you don't
(14:27):
realize there's a predator in your midst until it's too late.
They softly twist situations and words, making you question your reality.
My brother, for instance, often appeared as the rational one
to my family while subtly undercutting me behind the scenes.
It's a mind game, pure and simple. Now, let's consider
(14:49):
the role of charm and subtle manipulation. Covert narcissists use
their charisma to convince family and friends that they're the reasonable,
level headed ones. This isn't the over the top, grandiose
narcissism you might expect. Instead, it's about using social graces
(15:09):
to manipulate perceptions. They excel at selective storytelling, only revealing
parts of the truth that cast them in a favorable
light while conveniently omitting the messy, abusive details. Think of
them as reality TV producers editing the footage to create
a specific and very misleading narrative to give you a
(15:33):
clear picture. Let's revisit my family dynamic. Despite my brother's
history of verbal abuse and threats, he managed to convince
our family that he was the victim of my overreactions.
He did this by showcasing my emotional responses while hiding
his provocations. So when I finally stood up for myself,
(15:54):
guess who the family saw as the aggressor. Spoiler alert,
it wasn't him. This selective story telling from my brother
painted me as difficult and hypersensitive, when in fact I
was just reacting to years of mistreatment and his wife
is definitely not off the hook. She is his flying
monkey and could possibly be a covert narcissist as well.
(16:17):
Her tactics are similiar to trying to look like Mother Teresa,
yet she will leave out information or just twist it
just enough, like the time her and I had a
completely amicable text exchange. She told my middle brother, who
she managed to manipulate, that I was being rude to her.
(16:37):
In turn, my brother called the police on me, stating
I posted pictures of children on the Internet, when in
actuality was a family picture on my personal Facebook page. Yeah,
she is a real treat. She will pretend to defend
me all the while leaving out any context to the
subject that would make me look rational. Or the time
(17:00):
she tried to turn me against my other sister in
law by stating she lets her sister take her daughter
out to lunch, but she won't let you I didn't
fall for it. I remember thinking, Wow, that is really divisive.
I kept that in my little pattern recognition mind, along
with all the other little things I would notice about her.
(17:21):
In fact, I am sure they are critical of me
saying these things, But the only difference between her and
I is that she is quiet about it drops little
bits of information, while I just say it out loud
for everyone to hear. If you're in a similar situation,
know that you're not alone. Covert narcissists twist narratives so
(17:45):
masterfully that even those closest to you might not see
the truth. It's like you're living in an alternate reality
where up is down and black is white. But here's
the silver lining. You don't need their validation to heal
or reclaim your power. Trust your experience, and know that
your feelings are valid. Identifying the manipulation is the first
(18:08):
step toward breaking free. So keep listening, stay vigilant, and
remember you're stronger than you think. Now, let's dive into
one of the most perplexing aspects of dealing with narcissists,
the psychology behind their behavior. Buckle up, because we're going
to explore how they masterfully control perceptions and induce self
(18:32):
doubt in their targets. First off, narcissists are experts at
controlling how others see them. They craft an image of
themselves that is calm, collected, and rational. It's like they're
always auditioning for the role of the innocent victim or
the misunderstood genius. They expertly twist situations to make you
(18:54):
question your own reality. One moment, you're sure of what happened,
and the next you're doubting your own memory. It's a
form of gaslighting that, over time erodes your self confidence
and leaves you feeling disoriented and unsure. This tactic is
especially potent on autistic women, who often take people's words
(19:15):
at face value. We tend to operate on a level
of honesty and literal interpretation, which means when someone says something,
we believe they mean it. When a narcissist twists their
words later, it throws us off balance. We end up
feeling confused, frustrated, and unable to understand how we missed
(19:37):
the hidden meaning. Imagine trying to solve a puzzle where
the pieces keep changing shape. That's what it's like dealing
with this kind of manipulation. Now, let's talk about societal biases.
Society tends to favor those who appear calm and collected,
associating these traits with truthfulness and reliability. Studies show that
(20:00):
nearly sixty percent of people believe a calm demeanor is
a sign of honesty, even if the calm person is
the manipulative one. Narcissists exploit this bias to the fullest.
They remain cool under pressure, knowing that their serene facade
makes their emotionally reactive victim look unhinged. It's a cruel
(20:23):
but effective way to shift blame and maintain control. The
statistics back this up. Nearly sixty percent of people are
more likely to believe someone who appears calm and collected.
This is a powerful tool in the narcissist's arsenal. They
know that by staying calm, they can manipulate the narrative
(20:44):
and convince others that they are the wronged party. Meanwhile,
the genuine emotional responses of the victim are viewed as
instability or irrationality. So there you have it. The psychology
behind why nari scissistic tactics are so effective. They control
perceptions and do self doubt, exploit societal biases, and use
(21:08):
calmness as a deceptive tool. In the next segment, we're
going to talk about how you can reclaim your power
and protect yourself from this kind of manipulation. Stay tuned,
all right, It's time to talk about something really empowering.
Reclaiming your power. Yes, it is completely possible, even if
(21:30):
you've been through the ringer with reactive abuse. So let's
dive into some techniques and strategies to help you get
back in the driver's seat of your life. First up,
grounding techniques. Picture this, You're feeling overwhelmed, your heart is racing,
and it feels like the weight of the world is
on your shoulders. What do you do? Grounding techniques can
(21:54):
be your best friend in these moments. Try taking deep breaths,
counting backward from ten, or even reciting a grounding statement
like I am safe and my feelings are valid. These
small actions can help bring you back to the present moment,
calm your nervous system, and keep you from reacting in
(22:15):
a way that can be weaponized against you later. Next,
let's talk about reframing the narrative through journaling. Seriously, journaling
isn't just for teenagers with crushes. It's a powerful tool
for self reflection and emotional processing. Instead of sending that
angry email or having that heated conversation, grab a pen
(22:37):
and ride out what you wish you could say. Not
only does this give you an outlet for your emotions,
but it also helps you organize your thoughts and see
things from a new perspective. Think of your journal as
your personal safe space where you can let it all
out without fear of judgment or repercussion. Now let's get
a bit techy. Use technology to document patterns of behavior.
(23:01):
This can be as simple as using a calendar app
to note down incidents, or even specialized apps designed for
this purpose. Documenting these patterns isn't just useful for legal reasons.
It helps you keep track of reality. When you're being
gas lit, it's easy to start doubting your own memory.
Having a documented record serves as a reality check and
(23:25):
empowers you to trust your own experiences. It's like having
a little piece of truth in your pocket, ready to
pull out when you need it. And finally, let's talk
about the importance of self trust and writing your own truth.
If there's one takeaway from today's episode. Let it be this,
Your feelings and experiences are valid. Narcissists and abusers thrive
(23:50):
on making you doubt yourself, But reclaiming your power means
taking back control of your own narrative. Write your story
from your perspective, own your truth, and let it be
your guiding star. Remember you are the narrator of your life,
and no one else gets to hold the pen. So
there you have it. Grounding techniques, the power of journaling,
(24:13):
smart use of technology, and the crucial act of self trust.
These tools can help you navigate the tumultuous waters of
reactive abuse and come out stronger on the other side.
You've got this, and you are so much stronger than
you think. Reactive abuse isn't your fault. Let me repeat
(24:34):
that for the people in the back, It's not your fault.
If you've been through the emotional rollercoaster we talked about today,
know that you are not alone. You're not crazy or
unstable for reacting to years of mistreatment. Your human and
your emotions are valid. In fact, your intensity, honesty, and
passion are some of your greatest strengths. They make you
(24:56):
who you are, and who you are is absolutely amazing.
Now I want you to do something for me. If
you found value in today's episode, if it resonated with
you in any way, please subscribe to fem on the Spectrum,
Share this episode with someone who might need to hear it,
and leave a review. Your support helps spread awareness and
(25:18):
can make a huge difference for someone who's struggling to
understand their own experiences. The final thought I want to
leave you with is this, Trust your truth. You know
your reality better than anyone else. Don't let anyone gaslight
you into doubting your own experiences. Advocate for yourself, use
(25:38):
the tools we discussed, and remember that you are stronger
than you think. Thank you for tuning in to fem
on the Spectrum. I'm Elizabeth and it's been an honor
to walk through this emotional journey with you today. Until
next time, take care of yourself, trust your truth, and
keep shining your light bright. Ter
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