August 21, 2025 • 50 mins
Jodi Dreher returns for a raw, hilarious, and unfiltered deep dive into men’s desires, struggles, and secrets in Beyond the Boner. From the truth about erectile dysfunction to what men actually crave from sex, intimacy, and connection, we break down the stigma around performance, masculinity, and mental health. It’s playful, edgy, and eye-opening—showing that men want more than just a boner, they want to feel wanted, whole, and understood.
Fifty Shades of Bullshit is broadcast live Thursdays at 4PM PT on K4HD Radio - Hollywood Talk Radio (www.k4hd.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Fifty Shades of Bullshit TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).
Fifty Shades of Bullshit Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Media (www.talk4media.com), Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.
Fifty Shades of Bullshit is broadcast live Thursdays at 4PM PT on K4HD Radio - Hollywood Talk Radio (www.k4hd.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Fifty Shades of Bullshit TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).
Fifty Shades of Bullshit Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Media (www.talk4media.com), Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The following show contains adult content. It's not our intent
to offend anyone, but we want to inform you that
if you are a child under the age of eighteen
or get offended easily, this next show may not be
for you. The content, opinions, and subject matter of these
shows are solely the choice of your show hosts and
their guests, and not those of the Entertainment Network or
any affiliated stations. Any comments or inquiry should be directed
(00:22):
to those show hosts. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hey everyone, and welcome to Fifty Shades of Bullshit. I'm
your host, Christine Lalan and this is the podcast where
we uncover the truth about online dating.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Now let's begin. Hey everybody, I'm Christine and this is
fifty Shades of Bullshit. And we got Jody back at
this today. Hey, they're Jodings. Hi, thank you for being
here again today. I'm so excited to have you back
on the show. We are going to talk about a
(01:03):
very interesting topic today. But I do want to hear
how you're doing.
Speaker 4 (01:08):
I am here. I'm doing really fantastic. There's a lot
of exciting things going on in my life. I love
your show. I love the topics that you cover. It
aligns with a lot of the work that I do,
and then I'm interested in and I've been working on
working with a big expo coming to Denver for people
(01:28):
living alternative lifestyles and it's sex positive and it's all
of these wonderful things. So I'm doing very very well.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
I love to hear that, But I do know what
you mean about being here. It's like, even though we've
got amazing things going on in our lives and we
you know, are doing well, we don't really have anything
to complain about. There's just things that make life challenging,
you know, on the daily.
Speaker 4 (01:54):
Ay, right, if you asked me a week ago, I
would have told you I'm a wreck. My one my
daughter went off far far away for college. Oh it's
been really difficult. So life's always with its up and downs.
And you're right, we all have our we all have
our high ponent points. And the funny thing is that's
a high point also, but it was also very difficult.
(02:15):
If you ever wanted to see me cry, then that
was the time.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Why I understand that, you know, kids grow up and
move on, and it's it's uh, you know, we're when
we're parents, you know, that's really strange to think about,
and I never thought about it till it happened to me.
When I was growing up and I left home, I
could not wait. I just couldn't get wait to get
(02:40):
out of there. Yeah, as I grew older, I started
communicating more and more with my mom. But you know,
when you leave, it's like you don't even think about it.
You just have a life and you're living it. And
then I had daughters that grew up and moved away
and went to college and started lives and have families,
(03:01):
and you know, them not contacted me all the time
is heartbreaking, you know what I mean, Because they're doing
what I did. It's natural. I'm not you know, I'm
not anything special that they ignore. Oh, you know, there
are moments, but you know, in life in general, you know,
as we raise our children, we are madly in love
(03:23):
with somebody, like with our whole being. We raise them,
we love them, we take care of them, we nurture them,
we give them are all, and then eighteen nineteen twenty
years later, they're just gone. It's like the biggest breakup
of your life. And it's painful.
Speaker 4 (03:43):
Yeah, and you think about all those things you wish
you had said, and it's yeah. It was actually a
poignant moment where I was thinking when she was headed off,
I and to emphasize the importance of this show and
shows like this, I was thinking, what haven't I taught
her yet? You know, what haven't I shared with her yet?
And a lot of the inform ideas that Christine, that
you're sharing with your listeners that you have over the
(04:04):
last three years is information that we didn't really have
necessarily have access to or easy access to, and now
with podcast hosts like you and and other shows and
information out there, it's really something. So I, you know,
I was able. I thought about what's us leaving? What
do I need? What do I need to share with her?
What do I need? What do I need a teacher?
And it was actually the type of topic that you
(04:25):
know you would have shared on your show. Actually, I
had a conversation with her about consent.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Hmmm, that's a good one. Consent is a really good
one and we've kind of touched on it here, but
I think doing a show about consent is really important topic.
I mean, we used to cover it a lot on
Clubhouse when when I was in the dating group in clubhouse, yes,
(04:52):
and it was fascinating topic. It did piss me off
a couple of times when we I had a guy
in there who was a coach and I do the
air quotes coach because he really hadn't been coaching people.
He just started and was wanting to coach people and
(05:14):
was doing clubhouses and stuff, and he made some dumb ass,
stupid comment about consent or something along the lines, and
all it did was make me angry because I don't
understand how people don't understand the consent is one of
the most important things and you can't move forward without
consent from anybody to do anything. So how is it
(05:37):
mind boggling numbing that nobody knows?
Speaker 4 (05:40):
Christine? And I think we're doing a little bit of
market research right now. One of your listeners, Mickey, just
chimed in and said, probably a good idea. It is
top of mind, and it is a good idea, and
it's and it's changed. It's different, Christine, from when you
and I from when you and I grew up. There's
where we're more aware of things. We're evolved, you know,
things are changing. I do think there's lots to talk
(06:01):
about there, not today, but not today, great future show.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Absolutely well, today we're actually going to talk about different
things with men, and that's why I think it was
really important to have you here today. So for today's episode,
for those who do not know, we are doing an
unfiltered deep dive into men's desires, struggles and secrets in
(06:28):
Beyond the Boner. So today is called Beyond the Boner.
We're going to talk about truth about a rectile dysfunction,
when men actually what men actually crave from sex, intimacy
and connection. And then we're also going to break down
the stigma around performance, masculinity, mental health. And we really
(06:52):
just want to talk about things on this show that
everyone should talk about. Everyone has had the experience of ED. Everybody.
If you haven't, you just haven't been either with a
man enough that you experience it with him or you're
a man who hasn't experienced it yet. And I'm curious
from a man Jody point of view, From a man's
(07:15):
point of view, when does this type of thing really
happen in a man's life? Is it? Can it happen anytime?
Is it can a teenager experience, it can a middle
aged man experience. I know that men as they get older,
they tend to experience it for health reasons or psychological
reasons or whatever. We're going to cover all of that,
(07:35):
but I am curious if you know when that actually
could happen to a guy.
Speaker 4 (07:42):
Well, oh yeah, I'll share my experiences with you. And
I just to kind of set the table here, I'm
not a medical doctor. I do intimacy coaching and life coaching,
and I'm a mentor in the E and M community
here in Denver, and I also run and facilitate a
men's groups meet up discussion for sexual health and wellness.
(08:03):
So I speak to a lot of men and women
about these issues. And so that's kind of the perspective
that I am coming from. And yeah, it's really interesting.
I think there's a lot of a lot of factors
that affect how our bodies work and how that and
between how we think they should work and we hope
(08:24):
they should work and how they actually work. And you know,
ed orrect out of function is actually a really interesting
term because I think there's a lot of confusion over
exactly what that means. I personally don't like the languages
is it's kind of stigmatizing, It kind of has this
negative connotation. It is why we accepted. But you know,
(08:48):
in my mind, it's something that the drug companies have
actually kind of invented and propagated to make sure that
men feel extra insecure about how their bodies work so
they can sell lots of drugs and make lots of
money direct out dysfunction is you know, that's that's that's
when in my understanding, when the blood doesn't flow into
(09:10):
our penises to form an erection like it does so
often and erect out this function is not necessarily, in
my mind, a disease that we all of a sudden
have in our techn work. But it just means, you know,
I'll tell you when we've seen the Viagra commercials and
all of the fine print that says if you have
(09:32):
an erection for more than four hours, you should seek
medical attention. And we can get in later about why
that is. But you know, there are remedies or antidotes
or reversals for erections, such as the active ingredients and
studifed for example, and as my yearologists put it, pseudo
fed causes ed and change where your body works for
(09:54):
the amount of time that those chemicals from the sudi
fed are in your bood and can change the blood
flow in every thing and you don't get direction one time,
and that is ed well, you know.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
One of our guests, one of our guests, sorry, I'm
having a moment today, one of our listeners. Right, you're
all my guests that what health issues can cause and
I have that. I have a list that I can
tell you. One is in the physical or medical causes
(10:27):
is cardiovascular disease, diabetes, obesity. Hormonal imbalances like a low
testosterone or a thyroid disorder can elevate that. Neurological disorders
can cause that, like Parkinson's disease, multiple scroleurosis, I can't
say that word. Final cord injuries, neuropathy, and kidney disease,
(10:51):
liver disease can affect those. It's two because of blood
flow energy levels. Sleep apnea can also cause a reduction
in level, which correlates with the cardiovascular strain at a
lower testostera. That's the medical physical, but there are also
other things like alcohol use can cause it. Smoking can
(11:14):
cause it because it can damage the circularation, the circulation
and your blood vessels. Also, drug use, a sedentary lifestyle,
so poor circulation with weight gain can also contribute. Plus
there's other things like blood pressure, medication, antidepressants and histamines
(11:36):
like you just said, prostate cancer treatments and then I'm
losing my voice all of a sudden. But those are
the basic things that physically health issue wise can cause
and a lot of women. I'm going to talk for
my own personal experience, okay, myself, when I have experienced
(11:57):
the situation with men. When I've been with men, the
it's only happened a handful of times, but when it
has it's been the first time I've been with somebody.
And I think that is a pressure situation, a stress
situation to perform, and a nervous a nervous moment. I
(12:18):
think that men get very, very nervous and can have
this issue. But I've also seen it when someone's super tired,
like I just mentioned, uh, sitting around all day and
then not able to function, and you know, it just
it just happens. So tell me, I'd love to know
from a guy's point of view, what is this like?
(12:40):
When I see it as a major embarrassment, I see
men get very embarrassed and get really insecure and go, oh,
it's not you, it's not you. They are trying to
reassure women. And I know that a lot of women think,
oh my god, is he just not virtually attracted to me?
Did I get naked and he got turned off? And
it's really none of those things. He wouldn't be there
(13:03):
in the first place if he didn't want to be
with you. But I think that it causes a lot
of you know, stress, and stress can also keep you
from so I'd love to hear from a man's point
of view what that's like. I don't know if you've
experienced it or you just know of it because of
(13:25):
the people you work with.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
Of course I have okay, human you know, I have
I have friends who are men who are are closer
to my age, we're kind of middle aged, and and
they get boners like their teenagers still and and and
then then and they're literally in in some are in
in the porn industry and and they and they're in
(13:48):
these kind of high uh expectations of performance jobs and
they still have moments, whether it's too hot in the
room or whatever. It is. One thing I just want
to call out to take away Christie. You named an
awful lot of ways that can affect the blood flow
and erections, and there are so many things, and I
want the men and the woman and anyone else listening
(14:10):
to understand that there are so many factors to consider,
and you know, and the testosterone production is is a
really big one. I want to circle back real quick
to your first question about what age can this happen at? It?
Does you know? We've seen you if you listen to
the commercials or if you've read an article about this.
As we get older, our bodies change in all these
(14:32):
different ways. One of those ways can be blood flow
and the efficacy or our erections basically, so ages certainly,
I think probably one of the biggest factors would be
my guess. But I was working with the young man
who was in his twenties who was experiencing his body
wasn't producing testosterone. It was as if he was a
seventy year old man, and that was affecting all aspects
(14:54):
of his life. So I think it can happen to
all different ages. I haven't heard of any instance as
any younger than that, But as far as feelings go,
I can speak for experience, and I do. I want
to be open about this because I want men to
understand that it's normal that happens, and I want women
(15:19):
to understand that too. You know, everybody plays a part
as far as how it feels. You know, there's a
lot of feelings going on that you called out. It's
not just with the men, but it's the woman also.
I didn't realize until I had dived into this more
that women actually thought it was because of them. That
never crossed my mind. And I was like, yeah, God, no,
(15:39):
you're beautiful, you're sexy, you're turning me on. I just
I'm really sorry.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
It's just I think that a lot of you know,
we just women don't necessarily understand. It's not our body functions.
We don't grow up with penises and balls, you know,
we don't understand that psychological thing too, that can happen
when you're with a woman that you're really excited to
(16:06):
be with and then you get nervous and excited and
all can go haywire. And I've been very I've the
first time it happened, I had a moment that I
actually thought, oh, fuck, does he not all of a
sudden want me? And then I then I thought, wait
a minute, no, he's here, he's naked, he wants to
(16:28):
be with me. It's just something's not working. And I thought, oh,
he's probably just super nervous, scared. And when he said
it's not you, and I said, okay, thank you for that.
But you don't have to tell me it's not me.
We don't have to do anything. Let's just cuddle, let's
just hang out, let's just talk, let's let's just let
(16:48):
things happen. We don't have to jump right into this.
We don't have to push this and worry about it,
because it only it's only gonna get worse. So I
was able to.
Speaker 4 (16:57):
Handle star for you. Great, great way to handle it.
Good for you.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
Well.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
I was a mature older woman, you know, I was
in my I think I was in my forties. It
was when I had started dating again after my divorce.
I hadn't experienced it before then because I got married
young in my twenties and had kids and was with
you know whatever husband. But I do have a bunch
of questions for you, because I'm very excited to know
(17:24):
a lot about this kind of thing. Do you think
that men are more pressured to perform than they then
to actually enjoy intimacy?
Speaker 4 (17:33):
Yes, absolutely, I think that's a major theme here. Is
something I really want to touch on is what men
really want and crave, which really is that connection. I
think that we have been programmed, men and women, you know,
but a fault men have been Men have been programmed
to be performative. And to be performative is to behave
(17:56):
in a way that you think other people expect you to.
And there's all different ways that happen. We've talked about
cultural societal, you know, generational programming on previous shows, on
previous topics, but then you also bring in the media
and and poor nos and that kind of thing which
which we watch and we and our expectations for ourselves
are unrealistic. We are you know, I think I think
(18:21):
we need to unlearn as as men what it really
means to be a man in bed. You know, performance
does not equal your worth about it's about doing, uh,
not feeling. So we we're taught that sex is about doing,
but it's really about feeling and erections do not equal masculinity.
(18:44):
And you know, sex isn't something that we should be viewing.
It's I don't think it's something that we naturally views
as to impress someone unless you're a porn star or
putting on a show, and maybe you're an exhibitionist or
something like that, but it's really a connection based activity.
I've told people recently and I kind of have the
circle of friends where we have this saying where we
(19:05):
say the sext is, the orgasm is along with directions,
so you know what about they call people call it
finishing or whatever. Like by the way, I don't ever
want to fucking finish. I like I like the sex,
so you yeahorgasm and the connection of that is something
some work that I've done in my life and something
that I help other people with really try to understand
(19:26):
the orgasm is not the finish line, and you know,
some experience the experience and ing. And I think we're
also taught that talking during sex can ruin the moment
where actually thank you an opportunity, an opportunity to connect.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
Do you think that men still feel like sexually powerful
without an erection or do you think that that is
just too too tied tightly to you know, their masculinity.
Do you think that they're able to still feel or
do you think that it is just such a mind
fuck when they go through that, especially in front of women.
(20:05):
Or a partner, not just women, a partner, because men
could be with men, you know what I mean. It's like,
do you think that that's like they still can feel
sexually powerful and can pass that off, or do do
you think that that's really just tied into the whole
like mind game of it.
Speaker 4 (20:21):
Yes, yes, we can feel sexually powerful and masculine, but
most of us do not, and that that's where the
work begins, and hopefully the work for a lot of
your listeners begin listening to this show and maybe they
decide to take more steps and think about this more
and maybe talk to a you know, a coach or
a therapist or just do their own research or whatever.
(20:43):
Can they feel sexually powerful? Absolutely. I've been in situations
through I am very very sexually active and and and
lots of exciting ways. And then the volume that I
engage in sexual activity it's not going to go. You know,
it's not going to go you know, teenage boy boners
all of the time. So can we feel sexually powerful? Absolutely?
(21:06):
And actually there's really there's power in I think being
able to be present sexually and connect sexually and intimately
without having a direction that's you know, put hard enough
for penetrative sex. There's other ways we can have pleasure.
One of my favorite things to do in the bedroom
(21:27):
is sixty nine. I love. You know, there's all these
other things, oral sex and all these other things where
an erection is not required for it. And I don't
know about the other men listening, but that stuff feels
fucking good to me. You know, it doesn't have to
be penetrative sex or anal sex if your men or whatever.
There's all these other things. I love light touches. I
(21:50):
love my partner's fingernails on my on my genitals. There
are all these fun things that we can do to
tease and touch and connect with each other. Absolutely, we
can feel sexually powerful and I and I want more
men to to realize this, and and and and shed
shed the things that we've been taught and programmed with.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
I agree. Mickey does ask does anyone actually get a
four hour erection? I think that's when you're looking at aid,
when you were using some form of oral aid to
increase the chance of having an erection and a longer erection.
(22:31):
I think those are for when you're taking a special
kind of you know, pink pill, blue pill, whatever you
want to do.
Speaker 4 (22:37):
And that's a great segue into that part of the
conversation too. We can cover this now. I mean, there
are you know, I want to be clear, there's there's
three or maybe four different approaches, maybe even five, you
know that five approaches that we can do to have
erections that are maybe more satisfying for penetrative sex. The
(22:58):
number one thing we can do is it to dress
our health, our mental health, our our mental health, our
our emotional and spiritual health, and our physical health, doing
things like eating right, getting exercise, being in shape, meditating
for some of us, breathing exercises, all these things that
(23:18):
we can do. Let's start there. That's going to solve
a lot of our problems as we get older, and
sometimes not even get older, because I want the men
who are younger. I've also talked to men who are
in their early thirties who are have a high level
of demisexuality or whatever it is, where they really require
a high level of emotional connection before having sex even
(23:40):
if they want to. And I've talked to those young
men in their late twenties and early thirties about some
of these aids. And there are pills that you can
we all know. Viagra and stalls are probably the two
most popular. The generic name, the generic the ingredient that's
in those drugs. And I want the audience to know
(24:00):
this because it's a it's a big business and a
lot of money out there. I want up spending too much.
Biagra and Sialis are brand names, and there they can
be very expensive. The active ingredient in biagra is sildentiphil
and the active ingredient in Sialis is tadolophil. And most
pills can and they work different for everyone. So if
you take it it doesn't work for you, don't freak out,
(24:22):
go back, talk to doctor whatever. But they can really
aid in erections, and from my experience and the conversations
I've had in my personal experience, they aid in all
different ways for some people. You know, fifty milligrams of sildentiphil,
or even if other milligrams might give you a four
or six hour erection, six hour direction can be dangerous.
Sildentiphil is something that's known to work much quicker, works
(24:47):
most effectively on an empty stomach with no alcohol intake,
and it can kick in within an hour. You know,
thirty minutes to an hour and can last four to
six or four to eight hours. For something like that.
Sialis has an nickname called the weekend drug. It gets
to you, you put it full dose as twenty milligrams,
You put that into your system and it kind of
kind of helped with your blood flow for up to
(25:09):
thirty six hours, I think, is what the stuff is.
So those those are the first two.
Speaker 3 (25:14):
Okay, now I do want to dress really quick. Anastasia
to ask does thailand and all have an effect on ED?
And I did research on it while we were having
this conversation and the short answer is no. But if
it's heavy heavy use of thailand all and it's used
with other types of anahistamine, that it could. But you know,
(25:38):
and Charles says say, it's not easy for guys to
discuss this, and it really isn't and that's why we're
discussing it today. I had somebody that I was dating
for a while. It wasn't a long relationship, but it
was over a long period of time. Does that make sense?
Like we go out, we date, and then we would
see each other for a while, and then we go
out and date and then we would see each other
(25:59):
for it was one of those. It was one of those.
And he was a big guy, like big guy, tall,
big husky, a little overweight, you know, had packed on
too much. I think he worked more than anybody should work,
almost more than me, which is almost And he had
(26:24):
quite a large penis. And I called it Simmy soft.
It was always Simmi soft, and it never really was
a heart erection. And I never dressed it, addressed it
for a long time. But then, you know, towards the
end of our relationship, which hence the end of our relationship,
(26:46):
I tried to discuss it with him. Yes, I said
to him, I think you're overworked, you're not exercising enough.
I think you're eating poorly. And because of all these things,
I think you might also have al letflow issue. Because
it's not an I don't think you have an issue.
But what I think you have is a semi erection issue.
(27:09):
And I think it could be solved with a couple
of things. And he took that very badly, very badly.
I was not complaining at all, and I prefaced it,
this is a wonderful relationship. I enjoy the sex with you.
Nothing wrong with your penis but I'm concerned about your health.
And I'm intuitive, and I'm psychic in a way and
(27:31):
in a lot of ways. And when I start hearing
things in my head when i'm with somebody, I know
it's true. And something was telling me that he was
having a blood flow problem in other areas of his body,
and I felt like it was a real big medical issue,
and I wanted to discuss it with him, and he
(27:54):
could not with me, and that was too bad. I
felt too bad. I feel that's too bad, and I
think he's going to have major health issues really early.
Speaker 4 (28:04):
It's really it can be really difficult for men to
talk about, just like your listener point out. That's why
I'm so glad we're doing the show. And I love
the men's group that I do, and I hope there's
more of that out there, and and and i'd encourage
your listeners to reach out to me anytime my websites
here on the on the screen is Jodysreer dot com
to talk about these issues. You know some things that
(28:25):
partners can do to help support their partners in this,
and I think there's some things that you probably did
very well, and the fact that you brought it up,
and it sounds like in the way that you did
was very good. You know, lead with curiosity. I encourage
partners to lead with curiosity, not correction, you know, in
the relationship, celebrate non sexual intimacy, like we talked about
(28:48):
touch and presence and play help to normally normalize body
changes and emotional waves. And I think you did that,
Christine with your partner by talking about his health and
his issues and the things happen and that that kind
of thing. You know, ask your partner, not don't ask
him what's wrong. And I know you don't do that.
Don't ask me what's wrong, ask ask them how he's feeling.
(29:09):
I think men we need our value affirmed regardless of
how the sex goes. I think it's really important to
me when partners I I validate myself internally now also,
but even now, every once in a while, if my
direction is you know, fizzles out after seven minutes or something,
which I'm fine with, I'm glad I got the seven
minutes in or whatever, we'll say, Hey, it's you know,
(29:33):
that's totally fine. We can do other things. That's great.
I really appreciate that. From in my mind, I'm saying,
I know we're good. You know a lot of work
to get there. Christy, it took a lot of work
to get there. Don't don't treat it like a to
do list or a problem to solve, but you know,
do those things. And I and and and and just again.
(29:53):
I want to emphasize talking about it and bringing it
up and helping us feel safe and comfortable talking about it,
that we're not to be judged or shamed for it.
Speaker 3 (30:01):
Right, Exactly what do you think about Anastasia's next question?
She said, what if you notice that the person's heart
on doesn't last after ejaculation and it happens quickly. Well,
I don't think most men keep a heart on after
ejaculation anyway. I think some can gain it back faster
or gain it back quickly, is what I meant to say.
(30:23):
But I think having ejaculation fast is a little bit different.
I don't know. I'm not a man, but I would
think personally, I would think that it would have to
do with you know, excitement or stress levels, or it
could have to do with you know, it is so
(30:43):
good and you haven't had sex in a while, or
you don't masturbate at all, and it can happen quickly
if you're not even you know.
Speaker 4 (30:52):
The question was about what happens if if there's an orgasm,
that man ejaculates and then loses his erection. If that's
the question yet.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
Oh no, she continued, Thank you Anna station. She says,
while they are on the ED meds, if they are
on erectile dysfunction medication and they ejaculate quickly and it
doesn't stay hard.
Speaker 4 (31:16):
I will convey what one of my neurologists told me
is it's different for all men. Some men, and I
think I'm I think I'm on this side of things.
We have what's called and I maybe you've heard of this,
a refractory period. That's the time between after a man
ejaculates and he's able to physically get an erection again.
(31:36):
And the refractory period is different for all men. I
remember when I was a much younger man, that refractory
period could be pretty short. It could be minutes, maybe
ten or fifteen minutes at the most. Who's still needed
a ten or fifteen minute rest. There's men out there
who's refractory period. They're multi orgasmic, and they'll get hard
and come over and over again he question or and
sounds like maybe a concern was, well, what about when
(31:58):
you're on medication or whatever? That's normal too, id your
all just tell me just to set expectations. You may
you may have a uh uh, my friends call them
perma b owners. You may have a perma b owner
for hours and you and and you may you may
come over and over again, or or you may lose
the erection on viager, you still may lose erection after
(32:19):
you ejaculate. And then she mentioned something else about about
ejaculating very quickly too, And that's that's a whole other
topic I will throw out. I've I've learned from one
of my therapists. He's a sex therapist, am i urologist.
The average direction and average sex time and average time
to ejaculation is I believe in the ballpark of seven minutes.
And so I think that's I think that's studies and everything. So,
(32:42):
you know, if we're thinking about if we should be,
if if we should be wondering if something's wrong, if
we can't, you know, fuck for forty five minutes, average
time is seven minutes. Guys, do you think.
Speaker 3 (32:53):
That other men talk to other men about this kind
of thing, or do they just keep it to themselves.
Speaker 4 (33:00):
I'm so sad. I believe that we keep it to themselves.
I'd love to hear the audience's comments on that. I
think we keep it to themselves. The feedback that I've
gotten since I've started the men's sexual Health and Wellness
meetup group in Denver is thank you so much. I
love getting together and talking about beer and guns and
women and all that with my buddies, but it's so
(33:21):
refreshing to get together and talk about real things. I
was part of the men's panel at a big sex
convention in New Orleans last about two months ago, and
there's a couple dozen men in the room, and the
feedback that I heard from the audience as part of
the panel was that we don't talk about this, and
I don't have anyone to talk about it too, So
(33:42):
I don't think men do talk about this. I really
try to create a safe, comfortable place around my friends
who are men to be able to talk about it
with them by sharing my own experiences.
Speaker 3 (33:53):
On that path of vulnerability with men. What do you
think is the hardest thing for a man to admit
about their desires?
Speaker 4 (34:03):
Oh my gosh, we had a great discussion. We had
a great discussion around I lead a community discussion groups separately,
and we cover the topic of communicating boundaries, needs and
desires recently. And you know, I think I think men
feel and have been taught to feel ashamed to articulate
(34:25):
their desires sometimes, I mean, in worst case scenarios, even
just when it comes to what I might call kind
of most the most normal or standard sexual activities, just
having penetrative sex, but anything outside of it, anything that
may they think someone may consider abnormal or a kink,
or they've been taught is shameful and are it is
(34:48):
just really difficult for them to talk about. So as
far as expressing their desires, it's it's difficult, and not
expressing your desires can lead can really harm a relationship
or even just a sexual interaction or connection the same way.
You know, that's a great kind of subtopic because the
(35:08):
same rules apply about how partners can and should be
communicating with each other about directions the same way they
should be talking about desires.
Speaker 3 (35:17):
Do you think that women like under estimate how deeply
men want to feel connected emotionally?
Speaker 4 (35:25):
I think so. I mean, I you know, we have
these and it's getting better in life. It's getting better
in life. But we've we've been we've been given these portrayed,
these images of what I don't know what our parents, what,
our society, what religion thinks an image of masculinity and
being a man should be. And I you know, and
(35:47):
I think, you know, men are taught to not talk
about their feelings, to not show their feelings, to be tough,
to be the protector, to be the provider, and we
don't take care of ourselves. And yeah, I think it
makes it. I think it's really difficult for men. And
I love to see what's happening out there in the
world now where that's changing bit by bit. And I
(36:10):
know we're planting seeds today for men and women and
more change is going to happen. And really understanding what
masculinity actually is and not what we've been taught it
is and not what we've been into thinking it is.
Speaker 3 (36:25):
I think I think that men hold on. I think
there are some cultures of men who hold on to this.
I've got to be strong, I've got to be the provider.
I've got to be the tough guy. I can't ask
for help, I can't communicate my thoughts. I can't share
how I feel because I know men like that. Yes,
(36:46):
and even the slightest thing of asking, you know, can
I help you with that? The answer is no, no, no, no,
you know it's it's like no, and I don't know.
It just makes me sad because I think, you know,
they're human, and why can't a man feel that kind
of give and receive as well?
Speaker 4 (37:07):
Yeah, I think men want to feel wanted and desired,
not just expected and expected to perform. Men. I think
we want to be told and we want to know
for ourselves that we are enough. I think we want
to reconnect with desire and not just function. We want
(37:28):
to explore at a pace we're comfortable with. We can
be pressured into and maybe some of it self imposed
because of what we think the expectations are of our partners.
We really want to explore at our own pace. We
want to feel emotionally safe. I mean, if we're if
we're in a sexual situation, if we're you know, expressing desires,
(37:48):
if we want to be touched in a certain place,
or something done to us, something that you know, we've
we've been taught that manly men don't do or is
it not depicted in peornos or some thing. If we
want to touch on on you know, aroused by by
our nipples or you know, or are touched on our
asses or something like that, that's all stigmatized. I mean
(38:09):
it almost, you know, part of me still feels weird
almost saying it out loud. But oh my god, when
I say it out loud, you know, And and all
these men look up at me and like, what did
you just say? Oh my god, you're allowed to say that.
You're allowed to think, You're allowed to feel that. And
I'd say, yeah, and it feels fucking great, by the way.
So men, men want to connect Men. Men are deep, deep,
(38:30):
deep with emotions, and and we and we mask all
these wonderful, beautiful connecting emotions that we have with more
sometimes toxic emotions and and just emotions that are you know,
angry and and and all these other uh, you know,
and all these other things that just kind of keep
us from connecting with our divine masculinity.
Speaker 3 (38:53):
Yeah, do you think I'm always curious if men are
secretly wanting to be pursued the way women are. Do
you do you think that that is like that? Or
do you think that we are still in this place
where it's the men pursue the women. The women are
you know, do you think that role is still the
(39:15):
same or do you think men really want to be
pursued like one?
Speaker 4 (39:17):
I you know, I let let me, let's have a
conversation about it. I mean I would, I would let
me answer with the question for now, why why wouldn't
men want to be pursued? Or let me ask you this,
what does it? What what you feel as a woman?
What does it mean to you to be pursued by
a man?
Speaker 3 (39:32):
Interest, effort, conscientiously putting in you know, time and space.
It's it's you know, I don't want to be the
one as a woman having to text and call and
reach out to the man all the fucking time. I
want him to pursue me the woman. As the woman,
(39:54):
I want to feel wanted and desired, and I'm happy
to show a man that he's and desired by me.
But if I'm the one that's constantly have to put
it out there for him, then it's a no can
do for me. I'm not going to be the pursuer.
I just am not. I have done it and it
doesn't work. The man runs fucking far, far far, and
(40:17):
I'm not chasing ship anymore, do you know what I mean?
And I'm curious if how this dynamic dynamic can really work.
Speaker 4 (40:27):
I think I think it's almost like you can almost
have one pursuer at a time when there's always going
to be someone pursuing and the other person is going
to be the pursued. And I think it is very
common and typical, and I think perfectly healthy and okay
for a woman to want to be pursued and have
that expectation for a man in the society. But I
(40:50):
will say, you know, maybe maybe men don't need to
be pursued, like like you said, if they're like dismissive,
avoided attachment styles, you pursue them, they're going to run.
But I think that men want to be acknowledged. They
want we want our value to be acknowledged. So you
and I think you mentioned that, you said I want
to be pursued. You said something like and I'll show
them interest, I'll let them know that I am interested
(41:11):
in or something like that. Yeah, I think that's really important.
I think we want that. I think we need that,
and I think healthy relationships require it.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (41:18):
I find that when women are expressing or showing in
a way however physical, mental, emotional, verbal, that they are
interested in man, and a man doesn't pursue, then it's
time to close shop and walk away and find another
open door. But when you know, when a guy is
interested and he's showing interest but then really not stepping
(41:42):
it up and still expecting the woman to show constantly,
I don't know. I think that feels like a really
off dynamic personally for me, you know, and a lot
of women I knowed as well, are the same way.
You know, we're feminine. It feels like you want that
masculine to show up, you.
Speaker 4 (42:00):
Know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (42:00):
I don't want my masculine showing up in this relationship.
I have masculine every fucking day of my life, you know.
I have to be in my masculinity a lot. And
when a man shows up into a room and I
want him in my life in that way, I want
his masculinity to show up in my femininity to arrive.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Yeah. And I think we're built that way and designed
that way, and I think that's fair, and I think
that's expressed it in so many different ways that the
polarity of feminity and masculinity, and and so I think
from there it really comes down to is what is
what is masculine? And and then that it might be
different to different people, And masculinity might mean something different
(42:45):
to different women, and that's a and that's okay. Also,
you know, I you know, some woman may like a
man who's very you know, very handy, who works on cars,
who's uh, I don't know, who hunts. I'm naming all
these things I don't do. Where I've had tell me
I'm the most masculine man they've met. I'm like, oh really,
(43:07):
I paid my nails are like yeah really. So it
can mean different things to different people. In some masculinity
as being in touch with yourself and being in touch
with your emotions and uh and being able to be
expressive and communicative and you know, and and and I'm
telling you both both are right. And some women I
think may put more importance on the first set of
(43:31):
examples I gave, and some put more may put more
importance on the second set, and then some may have
a balance of the bull. So it just really thinking
about what what does masculinity mean to us?
Speaker 3 (43:40):
Well, I think In the end, what it really is
all coming down to is the fact that we need
to communicate. What does appeal to each other? I mean,
especially in that discovery stage. Stop asking what fucking color
is your favorite color? And what side of the bed
do you sleep on in and how do you take
your coffee? Let's talk about what is masculine to you?
(44:04):
What isn't masculine to you? What does communication look like
if we you know, I don't understand why we can't talk.
Speaker 4 (44:13):
It's difficult, I don't you know, I don't know. I
think it's nothing for me, but it seems to be.
Speaker 3 (44:22):
It seems to be very difficult communicator.
Speaker 4 (44:24):
I literally have a degree in it. But it's you know,
communication can be tough. It's one of those things that
were not always taught, you know. You know, I think
in in in life, in some societies, in some place
in the world, and some families were taught to be silent.
We're taught to not be expressive, to communicate, and we
(44:46):
really just need to keep rethinking those things as a
society and rich fulfilling.
Speaker 3 (44:53):
Lives well as women, you know, as young girls, we're
always taught are told uh, being not heard, right, be
pretty not vocal, you know, and then we don't see
our family and our our our parents communicate the way
that we should be communicating. So therefore we learn, you know,
(45:15):
to keep ship to ourselves and and and to not talk.
And you know, when I was growing up, I was told,
you don't talk about sex, you don't talk about religion,
you don't talk about politics, and you don't talk about money.
And I was like, what the fuck you talk about? Right? Yeah,
(45:36):
it's like what your color? So you know, that is
crazy to me that we're told so much what not
to talk about, but yet we are not really talking
about the things that lead to solid relationships. And you know,
communication in the bedroom, out of the bedroom, about money,
(45:58):
about religion. People are getting married without having discussions about
what is going on in their lives, and then when
they are confronted with a problem and they don't know
how to discuss things together, they don't know how to
communicate properly. That's where our divorce rate comes in. And
you know, people are always like, oh, well, the divorce rate,
(46:21):
look at it, it's fifty percent. And I always say,
what about the other fifty percent that are communicating and
talking and having real real relationships. I mean, why aren't
we focusing on the glass half full instead of empty?
You know, so to speak. But I think you know
that the more we talk about these things, the better
it is that people start to go, oh, well, like
(46:43):
Charles said, he said, not easy for guys to have
this discussion. Well, maybe knowing that your friends and other
men in your life actually need to discuss these It's like,
who's going to be brave to say, you know, how
does that call conversation start? And how do we have
conversations that are meaningful and help? And That's where I'm
(47:06):
trying to be in this show, to help people understand
that without communicating, without expressing our feelings, without talking about
these things, we're just really we're hitting our head on
a on a wall over and over and over. We're
going crazy because we're not doing the things that help
us step out and communicate and bond and discuss things.
(47:30):
I mean, I used to be terrified in discussing things.
People used to say, oh, can we talk, and immediately
I'd get sick. Yeah, because it was always bad.
Speaker 4 (47:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (47:40):
Now I'm like, yeah, let's talk, let's do it. Nobody
had to say because I can handle whatever you're going.
If it hurts me, I'll tell you, hey, that was
a little harsh. That hurt a lot. Can we talk
about why you're so aggressive about that?
Speaker 4 (47:56):
Like, I think a lot of listeners can relate to that.
I think this is why couples, individuals sometimes higher therapist.
We call it tight talk therapy really to help us
talk and communicate, you know, and some of the coaching
that I do, you know, helping couples and individuals communicate
with their partners or their family about things. Communications so important,
(48:19):
and I love that you've created this platform for the
last several years to be able to start conversations about
things important.
Speaker 3 (48:29):
That's the goal. I really hope that people can look
at each other and go, hey, something seems off, it
doesn't feel right. We've been together for x amount of time.
Well maybe we should just talk about some things. Let's
just open the floor to communicating about whatever you feel.
I think, you know, just start, just start somewhere. Does
(48:50):
it have to start with your ed problem. It can
start with, you know, just the small stuff. But we
have to start learning to communicate.
Speaker 4 (49:00):
Lead with curiosity. Lead those conversations with curiosity. You'll be okay.
Speaker 3 (49:04):
Exactly exactly. Well, thank you for being here today. I'm
really really fast. We'll have you back again real soon.
I'd love to have you more often than not.
Speaker 4 (49:17):
Okay, having these conversations. I appreciate the show. I appreciate
connecting with you, Christine.
Speaker 3 (49:23):
And we appreciate it too. And thank you for being
here and talking to us so openly about such a
sensitive topic for men. And I just want meant to
know that it is nothing to be shamed about. There's
there's a reason for everything, and it's okay, it's okay.
We all have an issue sometimes and which it's just
(49:43):
head on, be okay with talking. All right, Well, thank
you everybody for coming today. I love it when you
all come and talk with us and listening. We are
back next week. Oh by the way, really quickly. I
know we're over time. But next week I have a
a therapist that's coming on that's going to talk about
how she was swindled by a con man who was
(50:05):
a sociopath, so it can happen to anybody, And next
week it's going.
Speaker 4 (50:09):
To be exacted.
Speaker 3 (50:11):
Awesome, So at same time, same place next week, and
until then, let's just keep this shit a real if.
Speaker 2 (50:21):
You enjoyed this episode, please share with your friends, like
and follow us on Instagram at fifty Shades.
Speaker 3 (50:29):
Of Underscore Bullshit and Facebook at fifty Shades of Bullshit.
Speaker 2 (50:35):
Thanks so much for listening, and we really hope to
see you again next week
The following show contains adult content. It's not our intent
to offend anyone, but we want to inform you that
if you are a child under the age of eighteen
or get offended easily, this next show may not be
for you. The content, opinions, and subject matter of these
shows are solely the choice of your show hosts and
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any affiliated stations. Any comments or inquiry should be directed
(00:22):
to those show hosts. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hey everyone, and welcome to Fifty Shades of Bullshit. I'm
your host, Christine Lalan and this is the podcast where
we uncover the truth about online dating.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Now let's begin. Hey everybody, I'm Christine and this is
fifty Shades of Bullshit. And we got Jody back at
this today. Hey, they're Jodings. Hi, thank you for being
here again today. I'm so excited to have you back
on the show. We are going to talk about a
(01:03):
very interesting topic today. But I do want to hear
how you're doing.
Speaker 4 (01:08):
I am here. I'm doing really fantastic. There's a lot
of exciting things going on in my life. I love
your show. I love the topics that you cover. It
aligns with a lot of the work that I do,
and then I'm interested in and I've been working on
working with a big expo coming to Denver for people
(01:28):
living alternative lifestyles and it's sex positive and it's all
of these wonderful things. So I'm doing very very well.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
I love to hear that, But I do know what
you mean about being here. It's like, even though we've
got amazing things going on in our lives and we
you know, are doing well, we don't really have anything
to complain about. There's just things that make life challenging,
you know, on the daily.
Speaker 4 (01:54):
Ay, right, if you asked me a week ago, I
would have told you I'm a wreck. My one my
daughter went off far far away for college. Oh it's
been really difficult. So life's always with its up and downs.
And you're right, we all have our we all have
our high ponent points. And the funny thing is that's
a high point also, but it was also very difficult.
(02:15):
If you ever wanted to see me cry, then that
was the time.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Why I understand that, you know, kids grow up and
move on, and it's it's uh, you know, we're when
we're parents, you know, that's really strange to think about,
and I never thought about it till it happened to me.
When I was growing up and I left home, I
could not wait. I just couldn't get wait to get
(02:40):
out of there. Yeah, as I grew older, I started
communicating more and more with my mom. But you know,
when you leave, it's like you don't even think about it.
You just have a life and you're living it. And
then I had daughters that grew up and moved away
and went to college and started lives and have families,
(03:01):
and you know, them not contacted me all the time
is heartbreaking, you know what I mean, Because they're doing
what I did. It's natural. I'm not you know, I'm
not anything special that they ignore. Oh, you know, there
are moments, but you know, in life in general, you know,
as we raise our children, we are madly in love
(03:23):
with somebody, like with our whole being. We raise them,
we love them, we take care of them, we nurture them,
we give them are all, and then eighteen nineteen twenty
years later, they're just gone. It's like the biggest breakup
of your life. And it's painful.
Speaker 4 (03:43):
Yeah, and you think about all those things you wish
you had said, and it's yeah. It was actually a
poignant moment where I was thinking when she was headed off,
I and to emphasize the importance of this show and
shows like this, I was thinking, what haven't I taught
her yet? You know, what haven't I shared with her yet?
And a lot of the inform ideas that Christine, that
you're sharing with your listeners that you have over the
(04:04):
last three years is information that we didn't really have
necessarily have access to or easy access to, and now
with podcast hosts like you and and other shows and
information out there, it's really something. So I, you know,
I was able. I thought about what's us leaving? What
do I need? What do I need to share with her?
What do I need? What do I need a teacher?
And it was actually the type of topic that you
(04:25):
know you would have shared on your show. Actually, I
had a conversation with her about consent.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Hmmm, that's a good one. Consent is a really good
one and we've kind of touched on it here, but
I think doing a show about consent is really important topic.
I mean, we used to cover it a lot on
Clubhouse when when I was in the dating group in clubhouse, yes,
(04:52):
and it was fascinating topic. It did piss me off
a couple of times when we I had a guy
in there who was a coach and I do the
air quotes coach because he really hadn't been coaching people.
He just started and was wanting to coach people and
(05:14):
was doing clubhouses and stuff, and he made some dumb ass,
stupid comment about consent or something along the lines, and
all it did was make me angry because I don't
understand how people don't understand the consent is one of
the most important things and you can't move forward without
consent from anybody to do anything. So how is it
(05:37):
mind boggling numbing that nobody knows?
Speaker 4 (05:40):
Christine? And I think we're doing a little bit of
market research right now. One of your listeners, Mickey, just
chimed in and said, probably a good idea. It is
top of mind, and it is a good idea, and
it's and it's changed. It's different, Christine, from when you
and I from when you and I grew up. There's
where we're more aware of things. We're evolved, you know,
things are changing. I do think there's lots to talk
(06:01):
about there, not today, but not today, great future show.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Absolutely well, today we're actually going to talk about different
things with men, and that's why I think it was
really important to have you here today. So for today's episode,
for those who do not know, we are doing an
unfiltered deep dive into men's desires, struggles and secrets in
(06:28):
Beyond the Boner. So today is called Beyond the Boner.
We're going to talk about truth about a rectile dysfunction,
when men actually what men actually crave from sex, intimacy
and connection. And then we're also going to break down
the stigma around performance, masculinity, mental health. And we really
(06:52):
just want to talk about things on this show that
everyone should talk about. Everyone has had the experience of ED. Everybody.
If you haven't, you just haven't been either with a
man enough that you experience it with him or you're
a man who hasn't experienced it yet. And I'm curious
from a man Jody point of view, From a man's
(07:15):
point of view, when does this type of thing really
happen in a man's life? Is it? Can it happen anytime?
Is it can a teenager experience, it can a middle
aged man experience. I know that men as they get older,
they tend to experience it for health reasons or psychological
reasons or whatever. We're going to cover all of that,
(07:35):
but I am curious if you know when that actually
could happen to a guy.
Speaker 4 (07:42):
Well, oh yeah, I'll share my experiences with you. And
I just to kind of set the table here, I'm
not a medical doctor. I do intimacy coaching and life coaching,
and I'm a mentor in the E and M community
here in Denver, and I also run and facilitate a
men's groups meet up discussion for sexual health and wellness.
(08:03):
So I speak to a lot of men and women
about these issues. And so that's kind of the perspective
that I am coming from. And yeah, it's really interesting.
I think there's a lot of a lot of factors
that affect how our bodies work and how that and
between how we think they should work and we hope
(08:24):
they should work and how they actually work. And you know,
ed orrect out of function is actually a really interesting
term because I think there's a lot of confusion over
exactly what that means. I personally don't like the languages
is it's kind of stigmatizing, It kind of has this
negative connotation. It is why we accepted. But you know,
(08:48):
in my mind, it's something that the drug companies have
actually kind of invented and propagated to make sure that
men feel extra insecure about how their bodies work so
they can sell lots of drugs and make lots of
money direct out dysfunction is you know, that's that's that's
when in my understanding, when the blood doesn't flow into
(09:10):
our penises to form an erection like it does so
often and erect out this function is not necessarily, in
my mind, a disease that we all of a sudden
have in our techn work. But it just means, you know,
I'll tell you when we've seen the Viagra commercials and
all of the fine print that says if you have
(09:32):
an erection for more than four hours, you should seek
medical attention. And we can get in later about why
that is. But you know, there are remedies or antidotes
or reversals for erections, such as the active ingredients and
studifed for example, and as my yearologists put it, pseudo
fed causes ed and change where your body works for
(09:54):
the amount of time that those chemicals from the sudi
fed are in your bood and can change the blood
flow in every thing and you don't get direction one time,
and that is ed well, you know.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
One of our guests, one of our guests, sorry, I'm
having a moment today, one of our listeners. Right, you're
all my guests that what health issues can cause and
I have that. I have a list that I can
tell you. One is in the physical or medical causes
(10:27):
is cardiovascular disease, diabetes, obesity. Hormonal imbalances like a low
testosterone or a thyroid disorder can elevate that. Neurological disorders
can cause that, like Parkinson's disease, multiple scroleurosis, I can't
say that word. Final cord injuries, neuropathy, and kidney disease,
(10:51):
liver disease can affect those. It's two because of blood
flow energy levels. Sleep apnea can also cause a reduction
in level, which correlates with the cardiovascular strain at a
lower testostera. That's the medical physical, but there are also
other things like alcohol use can cause it. Smoking can
(11:14):
cause it because it can damage the circularation, the circulation
and your blood vessels. Also, drug use, a sedentary lifestyle,
so poor circulation with weight gain can also contribute. Plus
there's other things like blood pressure, medication, antidepressants and histamines
(11:36):
like you just said, prostate cancer treatments and then I'm
losing my voice all of a sudden. But those are
the basic things that physically health issue wise can cause
and a lot of women. I'm going to talk for
my own personal experience, okay, myself, when I have experienced
(11:57):
the situation with men. When I've been with men, the
it's only happened a handful of times, but when it
has it's been the first time I've been with somebody.
And I think that is a pressure situation, a stress
situation to perform, and a nervous a nervous moment. I
(12:18):
think that men get very, very nervous and can have
this issue. But I've also seen it when someone's super tired,
like I just mentioned, uh, sitting around all day and
then not able to function, and you know, it just
it just happens. So tell me, I'd love to know
from a guy's point of view, what is this like?
(12:40):
When I see it as a major embarrassment, I see
men get very embarrassed and get really insecure and go, oh,
it's not you, it's not you. They are trying to
reassure women. And I know that a lot of women think,
oh my god, is he just not virtually attracted to me?
Did I get naked and he got turned off? And
it's really none of those things. He wouldn't be there
(13:03):
in the first place if he didn't want to be
with you. But I think that it causes a lot
of you know, stress, and stress can also keep you
from so I'd love to hear from a man's point
of view what that's like. I don't know if you've
experienced it or you just know of it because of
(13:25):
the people you work with.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
Of course I have okay, human you know, I have
I have friends who are men who are are closer
to my age, we're kind of middle aged, and and
they get boners like their teenagers still and and and
then then and they're literally in in some are in
in the porn industry and and they and they're in
(13:48):
these kind of high uh expectations of performance jobs and
they still have moments, whether it's too hot in the
room or whatever. It is. One thing I just want
to call out to take away Christie. You named an
awful lot of ways that can affect the blood flow
and erections, and there are so many things, and I
want the men and the woman and anyone else listening
(14:10):
to understand that there are so many factors to consider,
and you know, and the testosterone production is is a
really big one. I want to circle back real quick
to your first question about what age can this happen at? It?
Does you know? We've seen you if you listen to
the commercials or if you've read an article about this.
As we get older, our bodies change in all these
(14:32):
different ways. One of those ways can be blood flow
and the efficacy or our erections basically, so ages certainly,
I think probably one of the biggest factors would be
my guess. But I was working with the young man
who was in his twenties who was experiencing his body
wasn't producing testosterone. It was as if he was a
seventy year old man, and that was affecting all aspects
(14:54):
of his life. So I think it can happen to
all different ages. I haven't heard of any instance as
any younger than that, But as far as feelings go,
I can speak for experience, and I do. I want
to be open about this because I want men to
understand that it's normal that happens, and I want women
(15:19):
to understand that too. You know, everybody plays a part
as far as how it feels. You know, there's a
lot of feelings going on that you called out. It's
not just with the men, but it's the woman also.
I didn't realize until I had dived into this more
that women actually thought it was because of them. That
never crossed my mind. And I was like, yeah, God, no,
(15:39):
you're beautiful, you're sexy, you're turning me on. I just
I'm really sorry.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
It's just I think that a lot of you know,
we just women don't necessarily understand. It's not our body functions.
We don't grow up with penises and balls, you know,
we don't understand that psychological thing too, that can happen
when you're with a woman that you're really excited to
(16:06):
be with and then you get nervous and excited and
all can go haywire. And I've been very I've the
first time it happened, I had a moment that I
actually thought, oh, fuck, does he not all of a
sudden want me? And then I then I thought, wait
a minute, no, he's here, he's naked, he wants to
(16:28):
be with me. It's just something's not working. And I thought, oh,
he's probably just super nervous, scared. And when he said
it's not you, and I said, okay, thank you for that.
But you don't have to tell me it's not me.
We don't have to do anything. Let's just cuddle, let's
just hang out, let's just talk, let's let's just let
(16:48):
things happen. We don't have to jump right into this.
We don't have to push this and worry about it,
because it only it's only gonna get worse. So I
was able to.
Speaker 4 (16:57):
Handle star for you. Great, great way to handle it.
Good for you.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
Well.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
I was a mature older woman, you know, I was
in my I think I was in my forties. It
was when I had started dating again after my divorce.
I hadn't experienced it before then because I got married
young in my twenties and had kids and was with
you know whatever husband. But I do have a bunch
of questions for you, because I'm very excited to know
(17:24):
a lot about this kind of thing. Do you think
that men are more pressured to perform than they then
to actually enjoy intimacy?
Speaker 4 (17:33):
Yes, absolutely, I think that's a major theme here. Is
something I really want to touch on is what men
really want and crave, which really is that connection. I
think that we have been programmed, men and women, you know,
but a fault men have been Men have been programmed
to be performative. And to be performative is to behave
(17:56):
in a way that you think other people expect you to.
And there's all different ways that happen. We've talked about
cultural societal, you know, generational programming on previous shows, on
previous topics, but then you also bring in the media
and and poor nos and that kind of thing which
which we watch and we and our expectations for ourselves
are unrealistic. We are you know, I think I think
(18:21):
we need to unlearn as as men what it really
means to be a man in bed. You know, performance
does not equal your worth about it's about doing, uh,
not feeling. So we we're taught that sex is about doing,
but it's really about feeling and erections do not equal masculinity.
(18:44):
And you know, sex isn't something that we should be viewing.
It's I don't think it's something that we naturally views
as to impress someone unless you're a porn star or
putting on a show, and maybe you're an exhibitionist or
something like that, but it's really a connection based activity.
I've told people recently and I kind of have the
circle of friends where we have this saying where we
(19:05):
say the sext is, the orgasm is along with directions,
so you know what about they call people call it
finishing or whatever. Like by the way, I don't ever
want to fucking finish. I like I like the sex,
so you yeahorgasm and the connection of that is something
some work that I've done in my life and something
that I help other people with really try to understand
(19:26):
the orgasm is not the finish line, and you know,
some experience the experience and ing. And I think we're
also taught that talking during sex can ruin the moment
where actually thank you an opportunity, an opportunity to connect.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
Do you think that men still feel like sexually powerful
without an erection or do you think that that is
just too too tied tightly to you know, their masculinity.
Do you think that they're able to still feel or
do you think that it is just such a mind
fuck when they go through that, especially in front of women.
(20:05):
Or a partner, not just women, a partner, because men
could be with men, you know what I mean. It's like,
do you think that that's like they still can feel
sexually powerful and can pass that off, or do do
you think that that's really just tied into the whole
like mind game of it.
Speaker 4 (20:21):
Yes, yes, we can feel sexually powerful and masculine, but
most of us do not, and that that's where the
work begins, and hopefully the work for a lot of
your listeners begin listening to this show and maybe they
decide to take more steps and think about this more
and maybe talk to a you know, a coach or
a therapist or just do their own research or whatever.
(20:43):
Can they feel sexually powerful? Absolutely. I've been in situations
through I am very very sexually active and and and
lots of exciting ways. And then the volume that I
engage in sexual activity it's not going to go. You know,
it's not going to go you know, teenage boy boners
all of the time. So can we feel sexually powerful? Absolutely?
(21:06):
And actually there's really there's power in I think being
able to be present sexually and connect sexually and intimately
without having a direction that's you know, put hard enough
for penetrative sex. There's other ways we can have pleasure.
One of my favorite things to do in the bedroom
(21:27):
is sixty nine. I love. You know, there's all these
other things, oral sex and all these other things where
an erection is not required for it. And I don't
know about the other men listening, but that stuff feels
fucking good to me. You know, it doesn't have to
be penetrative sex or anal sex if your men or whatever.
There's all these other things. I love light touches. I
(21:50):
love my partner's fingernails on my on my genitals. There
are all these fun things that we can do to
tease and touch and connect with each other. Absolutely, we
can feel sexually powerful and I and I want more
men to to realize this, and and and and shed
shed the things that we've been taught and programmed with.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
I agree. Mickey does ask does anyone actually get a
four hour erection? I think that's when you're looking at aid,
when you were using some form of oral aid to
increase the chance of having an erection and a longer erection.
(22:31):
I think those are for when you're taking a special
kind of you know, pink pill, blue pill, whatever you
want to do.
Speaker 4 (22:37):
And that's a great segue into that part of the
conversation too. We can cover this now. I mean, there
are you know, I want to be clear, there's there's
three or maybe four different approaches, maybe even five, you
know that five approaches that we can do to have
erections that are maybe more satisfying for penetrative sex. The
(22:58):
number one thing we can do is it to dress
our health, our mental health, our our mental health, our
our emotional and spiritual health, and our physical health, doing
things like eating right, getting exercise, being in shape, meditating
for some of us, breathing exercises, all these things that
(23:18):
we can do. Let's start there. That's going to solve
a lot of our problems as we get older, and
sometimes not even get older, because I want the men
who are younger. I've also talked to men who are
in their early thirties who are have a high level
of demisexuality or whatever it is, where they really require
a high level of emotional connection before having sex even
(23:40):
if they want to. And I've talked to those young
men in their late twenties and early thirties about some
of these aids. And there are pills that you can
we all know. Viagra and stalls are probably the two
most popular. The generic name, the generic the ingredient that's
in those drugs. And I want the audience to know
(24:00):
this because it's a it's a big business and a
lot of money out there. I want up spending too much.
Biagra and Sialis are brand names, and there they can
be very expensive. The active ingredient in biagra is sildentiphil
and the active ingredient in Sialis is tadolophil. And most
pills can and they work different for everyone. So if
you take it it doesn't work for you, don't freak out,
(24:22):
go back, talk to doctor whatever. But they can really
aid in erections, and from my experience and the conversations
I've had in my personal experience, they aid in all
different ways for some people. You know, fifty milligrams of sildentiphil,
or even if other milligrams might give you a four
or six hour erection, six hour direction can be dangerous.
Sildentiphil is something that's known to work much quicker, works
(24:47):
most effectively on an empty stomach with no alcohol intake,
and it can kick in within an hour. You know,
thirty minutes to an hour and can last four to
six or four to eight hours. For something like that.
Sialis has an nickname called the weekend drug. It gets
to you, you put it full dose as twenty milligrams,
You put that into your system and it kind of
kind of helped with your blood flow for up to
(25:09):
thirty six hours, I think, is what the stuff is.
So those those are the first two.
Speaker 3 (25:14):
Okay, now I do want to dress really quick. Anastasia
to ask does thailand and all have an effect on ED?
And I did research on it while we were having
this conversation and the short answer is no. But if
it's heavy heavy use of thailand all and it's used
with other types of anahistamine, that it could. But you know,
(25:38):
and Charles says say, it's not easy for guys to
discuss this, and it really isn't and that's why we're
discussing it today. I had somebody that I was dating
for a while. It wasn't a long relationship, but it
was over a long period of time. Does that make sense?
Like we go out, we date, and then we would
see each other for a while, and then we go
out and date and then we would see each other
(25:59):
for it was one of those. It was one of those.
And he was a big guy, like big guy, tall,
big husky, a little overweight, you know, had packed on
too much. I think he worked more than anybody should work,
almost more than me, which is almost And he had
(26:24):
quite a large penis. And I called it Simmy soft.
It was always Simmi soft, and it never really was
a heart erection. And I never dressed it, addressed it
for a long time. But then, you know, towards the
end of our relationship, which hence the end of our relationship,
(26:46):
I tried to discuss it with him. Yes, I said
to him, I think you're overworked, you're not exercising enough.
I think you're eating poorly. And because of all these things,
I think you might also have al letflow issue. Because
it's not an I don't think you have an issue.
But what I think you have is a semi erection issue.
(27:09):
And I think it could be solved with a couple
of things. And he took that very badly, very badly.
I was not complaining at all, and I prefaced it,
this is a wonderful relationship. I enjoy the sex with you.
Nothing wrong with your penis but I'm concerned about your health.
And I'm intuitive, and I'm psychic in a way and
(27:31):
in a lot of ways. And when I start hearing
things in my head when i'm with somebody, I know
it's true. And something was telling me that he was
having a blood flow problem in other areas of his body,
and I felt like it was a real big medical issue,
and I wanted to discuss it with him, and he
(27:54):
could not with me, and that was too bad. I
felt too bad. I feel that's too bad, and I
think he's going to have major health issues really early.
Speaker 4 (28:04):
It's really it can be really difficult for men to
talk about, just like your listener point out. That's why
I'm so glad we're doing the show. And I love
the men's group that I do, and I hope there's
more of that out there, and and and i'd encourage
your listeners to reach out to me anytime my websites
here on the on the screen is Jodysreer dot com
to talk about these issues. You know some things that
(28:25):
partners can do to help support their partners in this,
and I think there's some things that you probably did
very well, and the fact that you brought it up,
and it sounds like in the way that you did
was very good. You know, lead with curiosity. I encourage
partners to lead with curiosity, not correction, you know, in
the relationship, celebrate non sexual intimacy, like we talked about
(28:48):
touch and presence and play help to normally normalize body
changes and emotional waves. And I think you did that,
Christine with your partner by talking about his health and
his issues and the things happen and that that kind
of thing. You know, ask your partner, not don't ask
him what's wrong. And I know you don't do that.
Don't ask me what's wrong, ask ask them how he's feeling.
(29:09):
I think men we need our value affirmed regardless of
how the sex goes. I think it's really important to
me when partners I I validate myself internally now also,
but even now, every once in a while, if my
direction is you know, fizzles out after seven minutes or something,
which I'm fine with, I'm glad I got the seven
minutes in or whatever, we'll say, Hey, it's you know,
(29:33):
that's totally fine. We can do other things. That's great.
I really appreciate that. From in my mind, I'm saying,
I know we're good. You know a lot of work
to get there. Christy, it took a lot of work
to get there. Don't don't treat it like a to
do list or a problem to solve, but you know,
do those things. And I and and and and just again.
(29:53):
I want to emphasize talking about it and bringing it
up and helping us feel safe and comfortable talking about it,
that we're not to be judged or shamed for it.
Speaker 3 (30:01):
Right, Exactly what do you think about Anastasia's next question?
She said, what if you notice that the person's heart
on doesn't last after ejaculation and it happens quickly. Well,
I don't think most men keep a heart on after
ejaculation anyway. I think some can gain it back faster
or gain it back quickly, is what I meant to say.
(30:23):
But I think having ejaculation fast is a little bit different.
I don't know. I'm not a man, but I would
think personally, I would think that it would have to
do with you know, excitement or stress levels, or it
could have to do with you know, it is so
(30:43):
good and you haven't had sex in a while, or
you don't masturbate at all, and it can happen quickly
if you're not even you know.
Speaker 4 (30:52):
The question was about what happens if if there's an orgasm,
that man ejaculates and then loses his erection. If that's
the question yet.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
Oh no, she continued, Thank you Anna station. She says,
while they are on the ED meds, if they are
on erectile dysfunction medication and they ejaculate quickly and it
doesn't stay hard.
Speaker 4 (31:16):
I will convey what one of my neurologists told me
is it's different for all men. Some men, and I
think I'm I think I'm on this side of things.
We have what's called and I maybe you've heard of this,
a refractory period. That's the time between after a man
ejaculates and he's able to physically get an erection again.
(31:36):
And the refractory period is different for all men. I
remember when I was a much younger man, that refractory
period could be pretty short. It could be minutes, maybe
ten or fifteen minutes at the most. Who's still needed
a ten or fifteen minute rest. There's men out there
who's refractory period. They're multi orgasmic, and they'll get hard
and come over and over again he question or and
sounds like maybe a concern was, well, what about when
(31:58):
you're on medication or whatever? That's normal too, id your
all just tell me just to set expectations. You may
you may have a uh uh, my friends call them
perma b owners. You may have a perma b owner
for hours and you and and you may you may
come over and over again, or or you may lose
the erection on viager, you still may lose erection after
(32:19):
you ejaculate. And then she mentioned something else about about
ejaculating very quickly too, And that's that's a whole other
topic I will throw out. I've I've learned from one
of my therapists. He's a sex therapist, am i urologist.
The average direction and average sex time and average time
to ejaculation is I believe in the ballpark of seven minutes.
And so I think that's I think that's studies and everything. So,
(32:42):
you know, if we're thinking about if we should be,
if if we should be wondering if something's wrong, if
we can't, you know, fuck for forty five minutes, average
time is seven minutes. Guys, do you think.
Speaker 3 (32:53):
That other men talk to other men about this kind
of thing, or do they just keep it to themselves.
Speaker 4 (33:00):
I'm so sad. I believe that we keep it to themselves.
I'd love to hear the audience's comments on that. I
think we keep it to themselves. The feedback that I've
gotten since I've started the men's sexual Health and Wellness
meetup group in Denver is thank you so much. I
love getting together and talking about beer and guns and
women and all that with my buddies, but it's so
(33:21):
refreshing to get together and talk about real things. I
was part of the men's panel at a big sex
convention in New Orleans last about two months ago, and
there's a couple dozen men in the room, and the
feedback that I heard from the audience as part of
the panel was that we don't talk about this, and
I don't have anyone to talk about it too, So
(33:42):
I don't think men do talk about this. I really
try to create a safe, comfortable place around my friends
who are men to be able to talk about it
with them by sharing my own experiences.
Speaker 3 (33:53):
On that path of vulnerability with men. What do you
think is the hardest thing for a man to admit
about their desires?
Speaker 4 (34:03):
Oh my gosh, we had a great discussion. We had
a great discussion around I lead a community discussion groups separately,
and we cover the topic of communicating boundaries, needs and
desires recently. And you know, I think I think men
feel and have been taught to feel ashamed to articulate
(34:25):
their desires sometimes, I mean, in worst case scenarios, even
just when it comes to what I might call kind
of most the most normal or standard sexual activities, just
having penetrative sex, but anything outside of it, anything that
may they think someone may consider abnormal or a kink,
or they've been taught is shameful and are it is
(34:48):
just really difficult for them to talk about. So as
far as expressing their desires, it's it's difficult, and not
expressing your desires can lead can really harm a relationship
or even just a sexual interaction or connection the same way.
You know, that's a great kind of subtopic because the
(35:08):
same rules apply about how partners can and should be
communicating with each other about directions the same way they
should be talking about desires.
Speaker 3 (35:17):
Do you think that women like under estimate how deeply
men want to feel connected emotionally?
Speaker 4 (35:25):
I think so. I mean, I you know, we have
these and it's getting better in life. It's getting better
in life. But we've we've been we've been given these portrayed,
these images of what I don't know what our parents, what,
our society, what religion thinks an image of masculinity and
being a man should be. And I you know, and
(35:47):
I think, you know, men are taught to not talk
about their feelings, to not show their feelings, to be tough,
to be the protector, to be the provider, and we
don't take care of ourselves. And yeah, I think it
makes it. I think it's really difficult for men. And
I love to see what's happening out there in the
world now where that's changing bit by bit. And I
(36:10):
know we're planting seeds today for men and women and
more change is going to happen. And really understanding what
masculinity actually is and not what we've been taught it
is and not what we've been into thinking it is.
Speaker 3 (36:25):
I think I think that men hold on. I think
there are some cultures of men who hold on to this.
I've got to be strong, I've got to be the provider.
I've got to be the tough guy. I can't ask
for help, I can't communicate my thoughts. I can't share
how I feel because I know men like that. Yes,
(36:46):
and even the slightest thing of asking, you know, can
I help you with that? The answer is no, no, no, no,
you know it's it's like no, and I don't know.
It just makes me sad because I think, you know,
they're human, and why can't a man feel that kind
of give and receive as well?
Speaker 4 (37:07):
Yeah, I think men want to feel wanted and desired,
not just expected and expected to perform. Men. I think
we want to be told and we want to know
for ourselves that we are enough. I think we want
to reconnect with desire and not just function. We want
(37:28):
to explore at a pace we're comfortable with. We can
be pressured into and maybe some of it self imposed
because of what we think the expectations are of our partners.
We really want to explore at our own pace. We
want to feel emotionally safe. I mean, if we're if
we're in a sexual situation, if we're you know, expressing desires,
(37:48):
if we want to be touched in a certain place,
or something done to us, something that you know, we've
we've been taught that manly men don't do or is
it not depicted in peornos or some thing. If we
want to touch on on you know, aroused by by
our nipples or you know, or are touched on our
asses or something like that, that's all stigmatized. I mean
(38:09):
it almost, you know, part of me still feels weird
almost saying it out loud. But oh my god, when
I say it out loud, you know, And and all
these men look up at me and like, what did
you just say? Oh my god, you're allowed to say that.
You're allowed to think, You're allowed to feel that. And
I'd say, yeah, and it feels fucking great, by the way.
So men, men want to connect Men. Men are deep, deep,
(38:30):
deep with emotions, and and we and we mask all
these wonderful, beautiful connecting emotions that we have with more
sometimes toxic emotions and and just emotions that are you know,
angry and and and all these other uh, you know,
and all these other things that just kind of keep
us from connecting with our divine masculinity.
Speaker 3 (38:53):
Yeah, do you think I'm always curious if men are
secretly wanting to be pursued the way women are. Do
you do you think that that is like that? Or
do you think that we are still in this place
where it's the men pursue the women. The women are
you know, do you think that role is still the
(39:15):
same or do you think men really want to be
pursued like one?
Speaker 4 (39:17):
I you know, I let let me, let's have a
conversation about it. I mean I would, I would let
me answer with the question for now, why why wouldn't
men want to be pursued? Or let me ask you this,
what does it? What what you feel as a woman?
What does it mean to you to be pursued by
a man?
Speaker 3 (39:32):
Interest, effort, conscientiously putting in you know, time and space.
It's it's you know, I don't want to be the
one as a woman having to text and call and
reach out to the man all the fucking time. I
want him to pursue me the woman. As the woman,
(39:54):
I want to feel wanted and desired, and I'm happy
to show a man that he's and desired by me.
But if I'm the one that's constantly have to put
it out there for him, then it's a no can
do for me. I'm not going to be the pursuer.
I just am not. I have done it and it
doesn't work. The man runs fucking far, far far, and
(40:17):
I'm not chasing ship anymore, do you know what I mean?
And I'm curious if how this dynamic dynamic can really work.
Speaker 4 (40:27):
I think I think it's almost like you can almost
have one pursuer at a time when there's always going
to be someone pursuing and the other person is going
to be the pursued. And I think it is very
common and typical, and I think perfectly healthy and okay
for a woman to want to be pursued and have
that expectation for a man in the society. But I
(40:50):
will say, you know, maybe maybe men don't need to
be pursued, like like you said, if they're like dismissive,
avoided attachment styles, you pursue them, they're going to run.
But I think that men want to be acknowledged. They
want we want our value to be acknowledged. So you
and I think you mentioned that, you said I want
to be pursued. You said something like and I'll show
them interest, I'll let them know that I am interested
(41:11):
in or something like that. Yeah, I think that's really important.
I think we want that. I think we need that,
and I think healthy relationships require it.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (41:18):
I find that when women are expressing or showing in
a way however physical, mental, emotional, verbal, that they are
interested in man, and a man doesn't pursue, then it's
time to close shop and walk away and find another
open door. But when you know, when a guy is
interested and he's showing interest but then really not stepping
(41:42):
it up and still expecting the woman to show constantly,
I don't know. I think that feels like a really
off dynamic personally for me, you know, and a lot
of women I knowed as well, are the same way.
You know, we're feminine. It feels like you want that
masculine to show up, you.
Speaker 4 (42:00):
Know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (42:00):
I don't want my masculine showing up in this relationship.
I have masculine every fucking day of my life, you know.
I have to be in my masculinity a lot. And
when a man shows up into a room and I
want him in my life in that way, I want
his masculinity to show up in my femininity to arrive.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Yeah. And I think we're built that way and designed
that way, and I think that's fair, and I think
that's expressed it in so many different ways that the
polarity of feminity and masculinity, and and so I think
from there it really comes down to is what is
what is masculine? And and then that it might be
different to different people, And masculinity might mean something different
(42:45):
to different women, and that's a and that's okay. Also,
you know, I you know, some woman may like a
man who's very you know, very handy, who works on cars,
who's uh, I don't know, who hunts. I'm naming all
these things I don't do. Where I've had tell me
I'm the most masculine man they've met. I'm like, oh really,
(43:07):
I paid my nails are like yeah really. So it
can mean different things to different people. In some masculinity
as being in touch with yourself and being in touch
with your emotions and uh and being able to be
expressive and communicative and you know, and and and I'm
telling you both both are right. And some women I
think may put more importance on the first set of
(43:31):
examples I gave, and some put more may put more
importance on the second set, and then some may have
a balance of the bull. So it just really thinking
about what what does masculinity mean to us?
Speaker 3 (43:40):
Well, I think In the end, what it really is
all coming down to is the fact that we need
to communicate. What does appeal to each other? I mean,
especially in that discovery stage. Stop asking what fucking color
is your favorite color? And what side of the bed
do you sleep on in and how do you take
your coffee? Let's talk about what is masculine to you?
(44:04):
What isn't masculine to you? What does communication look like
if we you know, I don't understand why we can't talk.
Speaker 4 (44:13):
It's difficult, I don't you know, I don't know. I
think it's nothing for me, but it seems to be.
Speaker 3 (44:22):
It seems to be very difficult communicator.
Speaker 4 (44:24):
I literally have a degree in it. But it's you know,
communication can be tough. It's one of those things that
were not always taught, you know. You know, I think
in in in life, in some societies, in some place
in the world, and some families were taught to be silent.
We're taught to not be expressive, to communicate, and we
(44:46):
really just need to keep rethinking those things as a
society and rich fulfilling.
Speaker 3 (44:53):
Lives well as women, you know, as young girls, we're
always taught are told uh, being not heard, right, be
pretty not vocal, you know, and then we don't see
our family and our our our parents communicate the way
that we should be communicating. So therefore we learn, you know,
(45:15):
to keep ship to ourselves and and and to not talk.
And you know, when I was growing up, I was told,
you don't talk about sex, you don't talk about religion,
you don't talk about politics, and you don't talk about money.
And I was like, what the fuck you talk about? Right? Yeah,
(45:36):
it's like what your color? So you know, that is
crazy to me that we're told so much what not
to talk about, but yet we are not really talking
about the things that lead to solid relationships. And you know,
communication in the bedroom, out of the bedroom, about money,
(45:58):
about religion. People are getting married without having discussions about
what is going on in their lives, and then when
they are confronted with a problem and they don't know
how to discuss things together, they don't know how to
communicate properly. That's where our divorce rate comes in. And
you know, people are always like, oh, well, the divorce rate,
(46:21):
look at it, it's fifty percent. And I always say,
what about the other fifty percent that are communicating and
talking and having real real relationships. I mean, why aren't
we focusing on the glass half full instead of empty?
You know, so to speak. But I think you know
that the more we talk about these things, the better
it is that people start to go, oh, well, like
(46:43):
Charles said, he said, not easy for guys to have
this discussion. Well, maybe knowing that your friends and other
men in your life actually need to discuss these It's like,
who's going to be brave to say, you know, how
does that call conversation start? And how do we have
conversations that are meaningful and help? And That's where I'm
(47:06):
trying to be in this show, to help people understand
that without communicating, without expressing our feelings, without talking about
these things, we're just really we're hitting our head on
a on a wall over and over and over. We're
going crazy because we're not doing the things that help
us step out and communicate and bond and discuss things.
(47:30):
I mean, I used to be terrified in discussing things.
People used to say, oh, can we talk, and immediately
I'd get sick. Yeah, because it was always bad.
Speaker 4 (47:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (47:40):
Now I'm like, yeah, let's talk, let's do it. Nobody
had to say because I can handle whatever you're going.
If it hurts me, I'll tell you, hey, that was
a little harsh. That hurt a lot. Can we talk
about why you're so aggressive about that?
Speaker 4 (47:56):
Like, I think a lot of listeners can relate to that.
I think this is why couples, individuals sometimes higher therapist.
We call it tight talk therapy really to help us
talk and communicate, you know, and some of the coaching
that I do, you know, helping couples and individuals communicate
with their partners or their family about things. Communications so important,
(48:19):
and I love that you've created this platform for the
last several years to be able to start conversations about
things important.
Speaker 3 (48:29):
That's the goal. I really hope that people can look
at each other and go, hey, something seems off, it
doesn't feel right. We've been together for x amount of time.
Well maybe we should just talk about some things. Let's
just open the floor to communicating about whatever you feel.
I think, you know, just start, just start somewhere. Does
(48:50):
it have to start with your ed problem. It can
start with, you know, just the small stuff. But we
have to start learning to communicate.
Speaker 4 (49:00):
Lead with curiosity. Lead those conversations with curiosity. You'll be okay.
Speaker 3 (49:04):
Exactly exactly. Well, thank you for being here today. I'm
really really fast. We'll have you back again real soon.
I'd love to have you more often than not.
Speaker 4 (49:17):
Okay, having these conversations. I appreciate the show. I appreciate
connecting with you, Christine.
Speaker 3 (49:23):
And we appreciate it too. And thank you for being
here and talking to us so openly about such a
sensitive topic for men. And I just want meant to
know that it is nothing to be shamed about. There's
there's a reason for everything, and it's okay, it's okay.
We all have an issue sometimes and which it's just
(49:43):
head on, be okay with talking. All right, Well, thank
you everybody for coming today. I love it when you
all come and talk with us and listening. We are
back next week. Oh by the way, really quickly. I
know we're over time. But next week I have a
a therapist that's coming on that's going to talk about
how she was swindled by a con man who was
(50:05):
a sociopath, so it can happen to anybody, And next
week it's going.
Speaker 4 (50:09):
To be exacted.
Speaker 3 (50:11):
Awesome, So at same time, same place next week, and
until then, let's just keep this shit a real if.
Speaker 2 (50:21):
You enjoyed this episode, please share with your friends, like
and follow us on Instagram at fifty Shades.
Speaker 3 (50:29):
Of Underscore Bullshit and Facebook at fifty Shades of Bullshit.
Speaker 2 (50:35):
Thanks so much for listening, and we really hope to
see you again next week
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