How to become a total failure

Welcome, dear friends, to the grand unveiling of "How to Become a Total Failure," a uniquely crafted audio experience that's sure to tickle your fancy and pique your curiosity. This interactive radio play, presented in glorious high-definition sound, offers an unconventional path to self-improvement. Each of the 10 episodes in this mini-series, masterfully produced by our diverse virtual team, guides you down the winding road to a purposeless and solitary existence - all with a dash of irony, of course. 🎭🎧🎬 Our tongue-in-cheek advice, delivered in English, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Polish, Russian, and Chinese, aims to invert traditional self-help wisdom. Disregard our tips, and you might just stumble into a fulfilling, happy life! From the plethora of cookie-cutter workshops promising happiness, our series stands out as a refreshing departure, woven with playful humor and sounds that bring the story to life. Dare to join us on this audacious journey? 🌎🔊😄

Episodes

Introduction on How to become a total failure

December 13, 2021 • 4 mins

Do you find yourself burdened with friends? Trapped in a joyous relationship? Or perhaps you're utterly clueless on how to dive into a life of absolute discontent? Welcome to Dr. Cala Sana's guide, "How to become a total failure".

As a Maestro of Misfortune, he and his team promise to deliver foolproof advice on how to navigate a life that's completely dismal, painfully solitary, and absolutely meaningless.In an ocean of well-intent...

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01 Think negative! Part 1

January 8, 2022 • 9 mins

Having established in our lively introduction that you're fully armed with the secret sauce to mastering this program - a dash of guilt - we're now ready to plunge headfirst into the tantalizing world of self-inflicted emotional acrobatics.

Buckle up, because in this episode, we're peeling back the curtain on five deliciously effective tactics from our top ten hall of fame for nurturing a luxuriously negative mindset.

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02 Think negative! Part 2

January 15, 2022 • 7 mins

In this rollercoaster ride of an episode, we're tossing you another handful of the juiciest examples of negative thinking. You might already be prancing around with a couple of these dark arts under your belt, but hey, we all have those days when our creativity needs a little tickling, right? Especially when it comes to unfurling the full technicolor spectrum of gloom-ridden behaviors.

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03 Hold on to the past!

January 22, 2022 • 7 mins

After feeding your mind with the top ten chartbusters of negative thinking patterns in the first couple of episodes, today we're steering the ship towards the intriguing allure of clinging to the past.

You know the old saying, "Time heals all wounds"? Well, don't let that dampen your spirits, because in this whirlwind of an episode, you'll unravel the secrets of shielding yourself from such unwarranted healing.

By doing so, you can u...

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04 Curse the present!

January 28, 2022 • 9 mins

Having navigated the choppy waters of negative thinking in the first couple of episodes and handed you the map to glorifying the past in the third, we now shine a spotlight on the virtues of scorning the present in today's episode.

American author Dan Greenburg had already started brainstorming back in 1966 about ingenious ways to artistically wreck one's life. When it came to the present, he cherry-picked four enviable attributes t...

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05 Become a stranger to others!

February 6, 2022 • 7 mins

Over the past four episodes, we've equipped you with a robust toolbox filled with the joys of intentional pessimism, the art of self-tormenting fixation on the past, and the delight of cursing the present.

Today, we roll up our sleeves and dive into the practical part, where you'll master the art of harnessing and unleashing the fears you've so skillfully brewed within yourself.Let's face it, the appeal of estranging yourself from a...

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06 Judge only by money and appearance!

February 12, 2022 • 6 mins

Congratulations are in order! You've officially hit the halfway mark in our workshop.In the last gripping episode, you took the plunge and began to meticulously craft an image of yourself steeped in rejection. This self-portrait might be smeared with guilty hues or perhaps drenched in frustration about money or your physical appearance.

And the beauty of it? It's an always-on strategy, applicable whether you're penniless or swimming...

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07 Create difficult situations without being aware of it!

February 19, 2022 • 9 mins

In the recent pair of episodes, you've gained expertise in morphing into an enigma to others, and in elevating money and appearances as the pinnacle of importance. Today, we're on a quest to investigate how you can kindle that chilling sensation of isolation within yourself.

All it takes to marinade in the feeling of exclusion is to believe that your coworkers are covertly snickering at you. As a result, it's only logical to cultiva...

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08 Lose your job and your loved ones!

February 26, 2022 • 6 mins

Until now, we've enlightened you with the fundamentals of rejection, demonstrated how to craft challenging predicaments for yourself, and imparted strategies to dodge any semblance of success. In today's episode, we're set to unveil how you can harness the robust energy of rejection to sever ties with your job and bid farewell to your beloved ones, ultimately achieving an enviable level of solitude.

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09 Scare away your remaining friends!

March 5, 2022 • 6 mins

Assuming you've been an earnest participant so far, you might have successfully offloaded your job and bid adieu to your dear ones. Now the grand finale awaits! It's high time to disconcert your remaining companions, so you can bask in the glory of your isolation and luxuriate in a pool of self-pity.

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10 Alone at last!

March 12, 2022 • 9 mins

Congratulations!
Having mastered the craft of self-instigated fear and manufacturing rejection from others, courtesy of this course, you've successfully ascended to your summit: the pinnacle of personal misery. Your guilt has been served its just desserts.

You've orchestrated an exodus of everyone familiar from your life. Free from the trivialities of work, familial bonds, and friendships, you now have an open 24-hour window to moan...

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