Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:11):
Hey, everybody, this is Alex with It's Sensitive. I'm coming
back to you after a little bit of a hiatus, unplanned,
but I thought this was a perfect opportunity to chat
a little bit about mental health. And today I will
be by myself doing a monologue, which is really weird
(00:31):
for me because I'm used to having a partner and
I really enjoy that, but this particular one I think
will make sense once we start chatting. So to be fair,
I have recorded sessions since I last released in May
was last time I released episodes, and we're now December first,
twenty twenty four, and I have recorded four other episodes,
(00:54):
but I have not gotten around to editing and releasing them.
And this podcast is a passion of mine. It's something
I care deeply about. That's why I started it. But
podcasting is a huge commitment, and I know several podcasters
in different communities, and very few people do podcasting because
(01:18):
they're paid well to do it. Most people do it
for free because it's something they care about, and it's
not something it's something you have to do in your
quote unquote free time or make time for it. Right.
So when I started this podcast at the beginning of
twenty twenty four. I had all that ambition, I had
all that drive, but what ended up happening was that
(01:42):
what I always do to myself, and that's why I
wanted to talk to mental health is over extending myself.
And it's something I've known for a very long time
about myself. I may have mentioned it in previous episodes,
but ever since I was a kid or in high school,
I've been one of those people who say yes to
(02:04):
everything and no to nothing. And I've gotten better over
the last I would say six to seven months about
setting boundaries, or even year about setting boundaries and starting
to say no and not feeling guilty about saying no
to things, and retraining myself to not feel guilty because
(02:24):
I can't do all the things all at one time,
because realistically, nobody can. Nobody can do all the things
all at one time. But I know so many people,
especially women, who feel that there's this pressure on them
to always perform, to always succeed, and many even I
see that as well, but especially with women, because I
(02:46):
feel like sometimes we have to get out there and
prove ourselves even more. And I have that tendency, you know,
to want to outperform, outdo survivor outplay out last, right,
And the reality is sometimes that is me me over
(03:06):
committing as sometimes me also not dealing with things going on, feelings, stressors,
making time for myself. And I've talked on this podcast
before about how I actively am in therapy. I see
a therapist once a week. I'm very fortunate to have
(03:27):
really good therapists for me. And also there's so many
things to talk about. Sometimes I don't talk about like
the everyday issues or problems or feelings, and sometimes that's
things like depression and anxiety, and those come up in
different ways because of different things. But it always seems
(03:48):
like I have bigger problems or bigger issues, And that's
what happened to this podcast. Right. Why I had a
bit of a hiatus is because I always was like,
there's something else to do, There's something more important. This
is my hobby project. I need to do this other
thing before I can do the podcast, even though I
have these episodes already recorded. And that's not fair to
(04:11):
me because this is something I care about and I'm
passionate about and gives me energy, positive like life force energy,
because it's something I get excited about and want to do.
But I was grinding so hard at the stuff I
have to do or the stressors are things that come
up in my life that I don't plan for that
(04:31):
I was always like, I'll do it tomorrow. I'll do
it tomorrow. And there's some very cool people that have
very intelligent, well spoken, well known people who have given
me their time to record some episodes that are very
meaningful that I want to release and it's not just
about me, it's also about them. And first of all,
(04:55):
you know, I wanted to be transparent, like I over
committed and the podcast fell to the wayside, like some
people probably would imagine what happen if you started your
own podcast, you know. But also I realized the other
thing that was going on was something that wasn't so obvious,
and that was frustration and a little bit of depression
(05:16):
because I haven't been able to be physically active. I
think I talked on this podcast about how I had
a quarter marathon I ran in April and I was
so excited for and I trained a year four and
it was this big achievement to accomplish. But in January
to April, I was started experiencing a lot of pain,
(05:36):
and my stubborn self or over committing self was like,
I am not stopping. I am this close to my
marathon day. I am going to run it. And I
had all my doctors behind me like, oh, yeah, we
can do this. We'll get you through the race and
then we'll deal with the pain. And at first it
was knee pain, and I got gel injections and I
dimpletely rich plasma, and I found out that I need
(06:01):
to have a cartilage replacement, and that got put on
hold because of the fancy procedure that I'm going to
do costs a lot of money, and insurance is arguing
who pays for what. But my knee started feeling better
platelet which plasma helped. Gel injections helped, even though I
don't have cartilage, Like, my knee was feeling pretty darn great,
(06:22):
and I started compensating by pushing through my heel though
when my knee was hurting, and so then my heel
was hurting, and I just kept ignoring that because I
had a mission. I had to get to the end.
I had to do all the things. I had to
out play, out last everybody, and really I'm just competing
against myself, like I fast walked that marathon and that's okay,
(06:45):
and I completed it, but I felt this drive to
push and I ended up injuring my heel and I
had a doctor say, oh, it's just planar fasci itis,
like and I've had that before, Like it can come
and go and you can get rid of it. It
might be stubborn. So I'm like, cool, no big deal,
We'll just run the marathon and deal with it after.
(07:08):
And so I got done with the marathon and I
was like, dang. I went through that whole six point
five five quarter marathon mile quarter marathon and my knee
felt fine, but my heel was on fire. I was
limping for days. And so I went back to the
foot doctor who's different than my knee doctor, and we
(07:31):
did some more tests and you know, he had me
take it easy. And I found out in like June,
because it took that long to get the MRIs and
all that, that I had a bone bruise. So it
was no longer planar fasciitis. It was Alex, you idiot.
You just over extended yourself to the point your body
was like hell nah, and you got a bone bruise
(07:53):
and bone bruises are notoriously hard to heal because the
only thing you can do to get rid of them
is to not use that muscle or that body group.
And when you're talking about your feet, that is really
hard to do. You know. I could imagine if I
had a bone bruise and my elbow from hitting something
really hard. It'd be easy to not keep hitting my elbow,
(08:15):
but every time you walk, you keep hitting your heel.
And I had a bone bruise there, and so really
quickly after this was in June, so shortly after I
released the May episodes, I got put in a boot
and then I got told not to walk once we
found out it was a bone bruise and not just
plantar fasci iis. And so I wasn't walking for two months,
and that was frustrating. I had to use a knee
(08:37):
scooter and adjust my lifestyle, but I made it work.
It was the summer, but I went from doing five
to fifteen miles a week, going to the gym regularly
lifting weights to doing no physical activity practically, and that
was an outlet for me and my mental health. Being
(08:59):
act is a way for me to de stress to like, uh,
you know, almost meditate in a way that I get
out of my mind and into my body. And yoga's
one of those things that I started over a year
ago at the request of a therapist because it's very
well known that it helps with like PTSD symptoms. But
(09:20):
yoga was really the only thing I could do, and
even then I was limited. I had to start wearing
UFOs into the room and cleaning them when I came
out and out of the room, and it was frustrating
and I didn't realize how much that was impacting my
mental health over the last several months until I sat
down and really thought about it. And I just now
(09:41):
started talking to my therapist about how frustrated I am
with not being able to be like physically active, going
from like being very physically active. And I've been here before,
and it's been harder before because I didn't talk to
(10:03):
people about it, And the difference this time around is
I've been talking to people about it. But even then,
it's still frustrating. And you could imagine if you've ever
had an injury or people who maybe have chronic illness,
that being limited and what you can do is so debilitating.
(10:24):
Sometimes but it's also like stressful in the mental health.
And I didn't realize how much that impacted me until
I started looking at my life and looking at what
I was over committing on it, and it was all
computer work. And then I was getting frustrated because I'm like,
(10:46):
I work at a computer all day, eight hours a day,
and then I also have volunteer obligations behind a computer,
and then the podcast is also behind a computer, and
I'm like, I don't want to look at a computer anymore.
And that's where my physical activity great. I'm gonna go
outside and go for a walk, I'm gonna go to
the gym and do stuff. And I couldn't. I lost.
(11:07):
I won't say lost. I had a very good summer,
but I had a very relatively calm summer comparatively, Like
I was supposed to go visit my friend Linda in
Wisconsin and cancel that because I was like, oh, I
need to wait till I get better. And the part
of that I'm not telling you about the rest of
the story is after the two months in the boot,
I was allowed to, you know, not walking, I was
(11:30):
allowed to start walking. And it's still hurt. And so
I've been going back and forth with the doctor on
this for the last several months. Were at December first
because he had thrown out surgery back in April for
playing our fasci itis. But you know, that's always our
last resort, and I was like, I do not want
to have surgery. I've had three surgeries on my right side,
(11:53):
right ankle in twenty eighteen, right knee in twenty nineteen,
right shoulder in twenty twenty three. I'm effing tired of surgeries,
I was like, and he was completely understanding of that,
but he's like, you know, we'll try conservative treatment, but
that is the option of conservative treatment doesn't work. And
so I was getting frustrated with the amount of time
(12:13):
it was taking to get answers. But he also God
bless him, listen to me and went down every conservative treatment,
including getting this ultra special ultrasound from this guy who's
the only guy in the Midwest who does these ultrasounds
to look at my foot to make sure, you know,
(12:35):
because we think that I now have tarsal tunnel, which
is like carpal tunnel of the toes, which could be
causing the heel pain on top of the planetar of
fasciitis because of where my pain is and how it's
happening and things like that. And so my doctor listened
to me, is like, here's all these imaging that's going
to take forever, and you're not allowed to walk, or
you're allowed to walk in a boot. And I was
(12:56):
getting sick of it. But also the doctor was doing
what I asked him to do, like trying to avoid surgery.
And here we are in December. First we went through
every single option, and he has told me the option
is do nothing and live like this, which is in pain.
Like literally, I can't do basic activities without being in pain.
(13:18):
Standing for more than fifteen minutes hurts, getting up off
the couch, I'm limping. And I did nothing. I didn't
go run fifteen miles. So or I did it. We
are waits. I was sitting on the couch. I don't
I'm through three I have three hundred pounds, but I
am very active in It's not like I'm eighty right.
(13:39):
I don't want to live with heal pain the rest
of my life or live with it and just do
what I can, which is barely anything. And so they
answer his surgery and so I scheduled it for December nineteenth,
so eighteen days from now, and it's frustrating and scary.
And now I have to start planning to not for
(14:00):
an entire month, and if I walk, it will screw
things up, so that means I have to sit my
ass down and slow down and stop doing all the things.
And before we even came to that decision, like I've
(14:21):
been depressed because I've had too many obligations. I was
doing school full time, I was working full time. We
have major projects at work. I didn't want to do
my work because I was soever stressed. Outside of that,
I'm volunteering with multiple organizations and leadership capacities. You know,
I technically have a second job that I haven't been
(14:42):
able to do because of my injury, and so I'm
juggling all these balls and having this stress of like
people asking me for updates and am I coming back
to my second job? And am I getting this thing
done for the nonprofit? And am I getting this major
project done at work? And and are you getting your
schoolwork done for the multiple classes you're doing? And it
(15:04):
paralyzed me. It paralyzed me, like my mental health just
plummeted and I realized because of working through therapy that
I had to cut back. I had to make time
for myself sitting and doing nothing because I had literal
days where I could go from morning to evening with
something yet to do and still not be done. And
(15:28):
that's where I am right now is with the podcast,
is it was on the to do list and it
still wasn't getting done because there's not enough hours in
the day and there never would be if I don't
cut back. And so cutting back is hard for me.
It's scary because I put a lot of my identity
(15:48):
and who I am and the things I do, and
I am scared to quit quote unquote because I'm not
a quitter or what will people think of me or
what happens if I need that organization or that job
or that role later down the line. And the idea
(16:09):
of stepping away and like saying goodbye to something scares me.
It's why I've had this second job that I technically
haven't needed for over a year, you know, I haven't
quit it. And so I was sitting here tonight and
thinking about these podcast episodes, and you know, really thinking
(16:33):
about the stories that these episodes tell and how amazing
they are, and how those stories deserve to be told,
and also how important it is to identify that we
need time for ourselves sometimes, and we need to honor
our limits and set boundaries with ourselves. It's not always
(16:57):
about everybody else. Sometimes it's about us. It's about me,
And so I decided to record this episode not as
an excuse to why there's been such a big break,
but to validate or memorialize, like that I was overworked
(17:19):
and am overworked, and I have to change something in
order for things to change, which is ironically what one
of our episodes is about, which you guys will love.
And ironically, the one of the organizations that I have
been partnering with, Change Enthusiasm Global CEG, talks about change
(17:43):
emotion and these you know, these life giving, energy giving
emotions versus these energy draining emotions. And even though their
concept focuses on like corporate change a lot, like these
things are very applicable to personal change. And I told
my therapist the other day, it's ironic that I'm working
(18:05):
with this organization as I'm going through so much personal
change myself, because it's like the universe is telling me, hey,
these things change and emotions are important, and so today
I made the decision to resign from a job I've
had since the pandemic, my second job, working at a hospital.
It was a flexed job where I could just pick
(18:26):
up shifts on demand, and I was afraid to quit
because I was like, Oh God, what if something happens
with my primary job and I need this as a backup,
Or what if I lose all my money and I
need to make more money, And those things are like
my trauma brain, like freaking out because I've been in
poverty before and the reality is I'm in a much
(18:47):
better place than I've ever been ever in my life
and right now. And so I had to let go
of it. And my boss at my job wasn't like,
Oh God, Alex, how dare you? He was so understanding,
and I told him how much I appreciated him, and
it felt good to say, like I'm done with something.
(19:12):
The other thing I recently did for myself in the
last week was cut back on classes. My therapist actually
back in May asked me if I needed or had
to do school, and I was like, no, it's just
a goal of mine because I'm so close to finishing.
But what's the point of doing school if I'm so
stressed out about it I can't even take the classes
or get the classes done. And so I cut back
(19:36):
my classes for this term and then also in the
beginning of next term because I'm having freaking surgery and
I wasn't giving myself space to just have surgery and
rat rest and recover, nor was I honoring the fact
of how mentally draining it was to be dealing with
this pain and this injury for the last several months.
(19:58):
And so all of that to say, like I'm doing
or I'm making change to do better about giving myself
space and time for myself to breathe, to relax, to
think without overloading myself and hiding and overloading myself because
(20:22):
I'm running away from something, and all of that to
mention the fact that I have a new girlfriend, you know,
I started dating in August, that I'm trying to squeeze
in there too, and that's not honoring or respecting the
time I spend with her. And I think it's so
important as we come into the holidays, where there's a
(20:44):
lot of demands and obligations on a lot of people
because of our family, our friends, the holiday spirit or
cheer that's Hallmark quality or lifetime quality on TV, that
we think everything should be perfect. To honor our boundaries
and respect what we need and to just say no
sometimes and it's not even no, it's just I need
(21:07):
some time, I need help, I need assistance, Right, That's
a boundary. Sometimes is acknowledging that we can't do it
all in a world with that is trying to convince
us we have to be superheroes and do all the
things all the time. And even though I'm going to
(21:28):
a therapist weekly, I still got depressed. I still got anxious.
I still was feeling funky and having a hard time
communicating with my friends. Like it didn't just come to
me as an aha moment. It's come to me as
a very slow, like why do I feel this way? Moment,
and saying it out loud feels better and less scary already.
(21:54):
And I haven't even released this episode, but my goal
right now, as I'm recording it to summer first, is
to release it to some first so I'm not procrastinating
and it becomes yet another thing to do. And so
I ask going into the holiday season, you know, for
yourself to think about yourself, be selfish, because it's not
(22:15):
selfish at all to care about yourself and think about
what are the things that you need to thrive and
be successful. It's easy with these darker days, you know,
with seasonal depression, or with the stress of family members
or friends or obligations, to feel overwhelmed this time of year.
(22:36):
So I ask, if you're listening to this, just to
take time to yourself and think about what it is
you need right now to get through the next several months,
you know, to be successful six months to a year
from now. You know, sometimes things are temporary and they
will pass. But when when they're not passing or yet
(22:58):
another thing's coming up, you have to look at that
and say, Okay, what's not working for me right now,
and how do I need to change to help this
work for me. I have an opportunity here, you know,
to change something, and I'm going to make a choice,
an active choice, to change what I've been doing and
(23:18):
do something different. So very short episode, twenty three minutes
relative to our hour longs, and thank you for listening
to my monologue. I might sound like a person who
just went off the rails, but I just needed to
get it off my chest, and also, you know, share
(23:38):
with my listeners that I'm human too, and I have
very important and wonderful and amazing stories to share. And
I'm going to make a concerted effort over the next
several weeks to get those episodes out. You know, might
be great listening, not listening music, but listening stuff while
you're working around the house preparing for the holidays or whatever.
(24:04):
And with all that being said, is I love each
and every one of you that listen to this podcast,
even if you dislike some of the things I say,
because we're all out here trying to do this together.
We're trying to human together. We're trying to make it
through this world together. And every single book or mental
(24:26):
health thing I read is talking about how important community is.
Having people in our circle or in our court for
us and leaning into those communities bring us joy and
life and laughter and ease. And that doesn't mean things
will be perfect, but it makes things easier to navigate
(24:48):
through and gives you a break sometimes. And I have
to lean into my community over the next several months
when I cannot literally walk, and that's scary to be
that dependent on someone. And also I look forward to
being able to lean into my friendships and the people
(25:11):
I care about to hopefully get back on my feet
and make get back to being active and also respecting
my boundaries and honoring the space that I need to
function and be human. So I hope you all just
had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It was quite late this year,
considering it's December first, the Thursday after Thanksgiving. And I
(25:35):
hope as we come into the December winter season that
whatever holiday you may or may not celebrate, that you
can find joy around that and not just stress, and
that you can find space and time for yourself and
really honor the things that bring you life in this world.
(25:56):
And I hope to hear and see you guys all soon,
and I will be sure to release those four episodes
as soon as I can, while also honoring that I
need some time to myself too. So much love everyone,
happy holidays, Hold strong and will be that attic Sud