How to Navigate BDSM and Trauma-S05E14

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:04):
Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to mydungeon. Welcome to Caldron Script. I'm
your host, mister Cauldron. Ifyou're near to the show. We are
combined thirty four years of BDSM experiencethat my twenty years working in the psychology

(00:24):
field to dispel mis get, ridistereotypes, and answer your questions about BDSM.
Texting your questions or comments day sixtyfive two six eight four zero zero five,
or visit the crypt at cauldronscrypt dotcom. In this episode, we
are talking about where trauma and BDSMconnect, something that Mayfair and I are
intimately familiar with. Unfortunately, Hey, Mayfair, Hello, how goes it?

(00:51):
It's going? Uh so? Uh? Can I talk about it?
Oh? Yeah, I got toteach Mayfair how to change her alternator yesterday,
and in my very limited ability todo things due to my surgery this
year and the damage that was done, I'm on extreme restrictions, so they

(01:11):
Fair ended up doing the majority ofthings. Yeah, I'm proud of her.
Good job, you got it done. Bibro is not proud of me.
However, it's quite angry, butthat's okay. Because they wanted eight

(01:32):
hundred dollars to replace an alternator,so you know, and the best part
about it is the one that youhad in there. I put in just
under three years ago and it wasunder warranty, so you got paid what's
like seven dollars and fifty cents todo it yourself. Yeah that is one
hundred percent because the guy screwed up, but that's okay. Yeah. Instead

(01:56):
of just doing the exchange, hewanted to do a refund andment a repurchase,
and yeah, it's boss, whatdo you do that? That's not
how you do that? Now weowe money. Yep. He was more
concerned about his like cramp. Yeah, so all right, well that's what's
happening in the personal lives. It'snot much for me going on, but

(02:20):
uh, we're going to hit thoserules of love bye, and then we're
going to jump into the topic.I have an article. I have a
really, really, really good articletoday, and I get mixed reviews on
those, but I think everybody willagree that this is a good one.
You can follow along if you likeat caldronscript dot com slash five one four.
That link should be down below inthe description toward the top. This

(02:44):
is an important topic and we're goingto hit four specific things here, understanding
trauma, navigating BDSM with trauma,where kingk and trauma connect, and then
finally realizing the role KINK plays intrauma recovery. Again very important. It's

(03:06):
something that we talk about in severalepisodes. There has been maybe one or
two episodes that were kind of dedicatedto this. But I love the way
that this author goes into things.If I was to write an article and
could actually get past writer's block andget my words to come out the way
that I mean them, I wouldhave written this. That's how good I

(03:29):
think this is. So side note, your name is wrong. Oh it
is wrong. Let me see ifI can edit that. Juni is not
here. That was actually for acoaching session. I don't really talk about
it much, but I do lifeand lifestyle coaching. It's one hundred dollars

(03:51):
an hour. Juni Juni Corn's Angelhas been joining me for some of the
sessions that I do, especially withone client where there's a really good connection.
So if that's something that you're interestedin, you can go to couldronanscrpt
dot com, slash coaching, orjust sending email Masterculdron at gmail dot com
and put coaching in the subject line, and we can discuss that there's a

(04:13):
free consultation at first to see ifit's even going to be a good match
before you go spending one hundred dollarsa session. But yeah, so uh
anyway, that was not unintentional.That was just from the session Thursday.
So Rules the Love I brought toyou by Inclusion Woodworks, my Kinky woodworking
company. If you're looking for evilsticks, you want some wooden spoons with

(04:36):
rubberized handles, easier to grip,laser engraved, completely customizable to whatever you
want. Check it out inclusion Woodworksdot com. Rules Love by rule number
one safe saying, consensual and informed. Rule number two Kinky That is k
and ki. It comes from theKinky app, available on all platforms.

(04:56):
They are not a sponsor, butit stands for knowledge, no intolerance,
kindness and integrity and rule number threethe quote from mister Paul Young, submission
is not about authority and it's notabout obedience. It is all about relationships
of love and respect, all right. How to navigate BDSM and Trauma Season

(05:16):
five, episode fourteen. This isOctober first, Yes, I Love October
Halloween, thirty days away and Fridaythe thirteenth because it starts on a Sunday.
Yeah, and we have some veryvery good friends getting married on Friday

(05:38):
the thirteenth, so shout out tothem. Love you, guys. But
this article is navigating the delicate yetdynamic universe of BDSM and kink with trauma
by Tanisha Tanisha Arka, September twentyfifth of twenty twenty three. Again,
if you want the link to thatarticle direct to give them some clicks and

(06:00):
advertising, you can go to caldronscribdot com slash five one four and the
link will be posted there. Ican't post it on the YouTube's so all
right. From face masks and scentedcandles to solo date nights, gym memberships,
long walks, and massages, theself care movement comes with something for

(06:26):
every occasion, whether it's the highsof a long awaited promotion or the lows
of a failed relationship. Self careis an admirable choice to make for yourself,
an absolute essential if online mental healthmovements are anything to go by.
But what if we lived in aworld where self care looked more like blindfolds,

(06:51):
leather cuffs, mouth gags ten minutesof spanking or half hour of bondage.
The words kink and self care maynot typically be found together in mainstream
dialogue around BDSM or even vanilla sex, but the word trauma often pops up.

(07:14):
Perhaps that is exactly why the ideaof categorizing BDSM as a form of
self care feels increasingly important. Youmay have heard the stereotype only the traumatized
choose BDSM. Vanilla sex is supposedto be for well adjusted people and happy
relationships, while the assumption remains thatonly the dissatisfied and damage would choose rougher

(07:39):
forms of sex. Yeah, there'sthings to say about that. That's I
mean, that's the general consensus frompeople. But other than that, the
stereotypes self care. I have considereda lot of BDSM for many years to

(08:05):
be self care, but I neverput that actual tag on it that you
may fair have you have you actuallyin your six years, have you considered
it self care? No? Idon't know. Would you consider it self

(08:28):
care? Now that it's a thought, I think it can be. I
don't think it is always. Ithink it's possible for it to be.
But I think that's one of thosethat there's a fine line that could get

(08:50):
blurred. Like we've talked about thisas an example, but for like,
when you are service topping all thetime, it's absolutely not self care.
It wears you out, it makesyou miserable when it's back to back and
it's always you just feel like akink dispenser that that doesn't provide you self

(09:15):
care. It's not refilling your cup, it's emptying your coup. Yeah,
due to my own lack of selfpolicing and limitations, but I'm not saying
I'm not saying it's absolutely no.I just think that we need to be
careful of just labeling and moving onbecause it can be Yes, it is

(09:43):
not always good, good good thingto point out there. Uh and what
say you? Chat Room, thethird co host of the show, I
do want to quickly say hello tobad Cat Cat nip Eow Lily Chaos,

(10:05):
im Mark, Ken Hank Valfreya,John Shaw uh Valfreya says, after a
stressful week at work, my husbandlikes to be put in a straight jacket
and into our padded cell for anhour. It helps him. I want
to visit if you have your ownpadded cell, like you just reached a

(10:30):
whole new level of holy shit coolto me. I mean, you've you've
always been really cool. But that'slike next level Cryptor's. They got they
they got some goals set for themnow, I think. But then she
says, I would definitely consider itself care. True, I don't see
service topping is self care. Shefollows up with, go ahead, ma

(10:54):
fair. I would just be curiousif the husband also might be interested in
rope, because I think a streettracket provides us a lot of that same
feeling. Oh yeah, yeah,I don't know if that's the thought you've
considered it, just just what mybrain said, Hey, these things might
connect. Yeah, Oh, Finn'shere today. Hey, Finn hadn't seen

(11:18):
you in a forever, so welcome. Valfrea then said, yes, we
have our own padded cell. Lol, we built it ourselves. Oh my
god, you're my new hero,marking aux is that's totally cool. Yes,
absolutely all right. So and alsoa disclaimer, while I was a

(11:41):
mental health professional for many years,I am not in that industry anymore.
I am not a licensed therapist,and more importantly, I am not anyone's
therapist or counselor who is listening tothis. This is fornentertainment and informational purposes
only, and everything that I saidabout myself also includes Mayfair is not mental

(12:07):
health professional and we are not givingany one advice other than if you feel
that you need mental health services,do seek those out. If you've experienced
trauma, if you need help,if you're feeling down, depressed, having
thoughts of passive or active suicidal ideation, you do need to seek someone out

(12:33):
immediately. And you can find kinkfriendly therapists available at National Coalition of Sexual
Freedom. That is the ncsfreedom dotorg website. Just look for kap kink
aware professionals and hopefully that will beone listed in your area. If you

(12:54):
happen to see a therapist that iskink friendly and they are not listed on
the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom's website, please ask them immediately, send them
a text email at your next session, ask them to join so other people
can benefit from their openness and friendlinessto what it is that we do.
All Right, with that service announcementdone there, That's really all that I

(13:20):
have to say about the whole selfcare thing is. For me, this
was a realization when I read this, and I think that's why I've never
been able to actually put together anarticle of my own in the way that
I wanted to is because that connectionfor me is very important from the dominant

(13:41):
side, from the top side ofself care. And probably why I've not
felt like myself since this injury ayear and a half ago, why I've
been considerably more chronically depressed, becauseI haven't been able to participate in my

(14:03):
own self care in that way,and that was the best way for me
to deal with issues depression, nightterrors, that type of thing. So,
all right, Section number one,Understanding trauma, and when we say

(14:28):
trauma, trauma is is something that'sconsidered relative to each person in each situation.
There are standards for trauma that I'mnot going to get into here,
as it would open up an ungodlycan of worms that I just do not

(14:50):
feel like addressing. That is somethingto discuss with your mental health professional as
far as your own personal trauma goes. But may fair understanding trauma, but
what is trauma really? Does itonly show up in romantic interactions or sexual
encounters or is it an event ofany nature that makes you feel cornered alone?

(15:15):
Vulnerable, at risk, and havingto quickly find the nearest exit.
Recognizing and experiencing trauma is a vitalpart of our understanding of safety. It's
what trains you to be better atspotting a threat in the future so you
can shield yourself. Trauma is essentialand entirely unavoidable. It is in being

(15:35):
unwell or injured as a child andnot feeling cared for or safe around adults
in your life. It is havinga math teacher who repeatedly degrades you in
class or calls you names that otherkids begin to use for you too.
Trauma can also be found in thepressure of being the emotional rock for everyone
else in the family and never havinga chance to make mistakes, be looked

(16:00):
at, or to be looked afterby others. Who among us hasn't experienced
at least one of these forms ofneglect, chronic emotional fatigue, or social
humiliation. Yeah, again with definingthe different types and levels of trauma,

(16:25):
not all trauma is equal, andnot all trauma is it fits the standards
of what we think it is.One person would would say that trauma only
applies to somebody who has been youknow, raped, or or something like

(16:47):
that, which you know they're completelywrong. There are different levels of trauma,
and every event will affect each personand differently. That is pretty obvious,
I think, to everyone, andgoes without saying. But these feelings

(17:07):
of chronic emotional fatigue, social humiliation, these kinds of things that happen as
children and as adults, but moreso as children with these social things,
because we're by the time we're adults, were supposed to be equipped to be

(17:30):
able to deal with these better,not perfectly. So I'm not saying that
these things can't happen as as anadult. They most certainly can. But
mayfair, what are your what areyour thoughts about what is said here?
That trauma is essential and entirely unavoidable. I mean, I suppose it in

(17:57):
some yeah, it could considered essential, but it is unavoidable because things that
maybe it's just like, as akid, you learn not to touch the
pot on the stove because you touchedit and oh shit, that hurt.

(18:19):
Don't do that. The way thatthey're explaining it sounds like they're considering all
of that trauma just the learning ofyou know, that hurts, Let's avoid
that stub my toe. But orwatch where I put my feet, don't
step on rocks. Like all ofthose things are like teaching you how to

(18:41):
navigate the world around you. Andas you get older, those things that
aren't quite as obvious are now thenew things that you're learning. Like you've
already figured out that if you stepon a rock hurts, so as a
teenager, now it's if you're clothes. Say you walk out of the bathroom

(19:06):
with toilet paper on your shoe,You're gonna be made fun of for that.
So you learn to check your feetbefore you leave the bathroom. Because
kids are kids are mean, Andthis may be one of those hot topics

(19:29):
that get us fussed at, butI don't believe that we need to shield
from every little bullying instant. Ibelieve that that's part of growing up.
You need to learn how to handleit because even when you get grown up,
there are still bullies in your job. You have to learn how to
deal with these things and not justrun from them, because if you run

(19:52):
from them, you will run fromthem for your entire life. Now,
I'm not talking about the extreme levelswhere they're like beating people to death or
all of those things, but Imean I went through pretty significant bullying in

(20:14):
school. I've had my arms slammedin my locker. I've been told the
world would be a better place ifI wasn't here, Like, I've had
quite a bit of unpleasantness in schools. And one of my bullies happened to
share a very similar last name,and all through school everything is alphabetical,

(20:37):
so he sat near me all thetime. So it's it's just part of
learning. So I can see thatyou can't avoid it, and it doesn't
always leave like super triggering moments,Like you learn that rocks are hard.

(21:02):
No, you maybe aren't scared togo outside all the time. You learn
that telling on your bullies makes themworse, so you learn to deal with
it other ways, like and I'mnot saying don't tell, not at all,
but like sometimes you have to learnhow to avoid a situation that's going

(21:25):
to leave you alone with a badperson. M I feel like I've gone
way off topic. I'm sorry,No, I mean, it's it's something
important that needs to be said inmy opinion, that shielding. Sorry m
R made a comment about my contrast, it's because I'm sitting in front of

(21:45):
a red curtain that everything looked allwonky, and so I was trying to
fix that, but I was alsolistening intently. Yeah, I think it's
important to say that it those whoare not prepared for the world will receive

(22:12):
a very rude awakening to the worldor or it will defeat them. We
kind of live in a society nowwhere we are told that the world should
bend around every individual and whether itshould or shouldn't is the isn't the question,

(22:37):
it's will it? And the answerto that is no, it will
not. Yes, I think peopleneed to be a hell of a lot
more respectful toward each other. Butyou know, again, we're getting into
this whole can of worms. Butbeing prepared is very important, remembering that

(23:00):
we're not raising children, we're raisingfuture adults and being able to handle themselves
as adults. But anyway, withunderstanding trauma, I think that it is
essential in building life experience. Andyes, they are referring to trauma as

(23:23):
everything from stepping on a rock toyou know, the worst atrocity to break
ups or you know, and there'spositive trauma as well, the beginning of
a relationship, the end of arelationship, all of this, all of

(23:44):
these things are learning learning moments andexperienced moments and building blocks of who we
are. We are not. Weare not who we were five ten years
ago because we've had too many experiencesin five or ten years to be that
same person. We may be built, we are built on the same core

(24:10):
foundation, but it's through each ofthese experiences that we learn things and we
grow or well we grow regardless.You're just going to grow in a positive
way or a negative way, allright. So let's get into navigating BDSM.
For many of us, myself included, BDSM is where years of conditioning

(24:32):
to act and emote a certain wayoften collide with these uncomfortable experiences. BDSM,
through though portrayed more frequently in ourmovies, still remains largely misunderstood as
a hobby or outlet for the board. We see it in Christian Gray's absurd

(24:53):
need to dominate brunettes and his impressivecollection of BDSM gear, as well as
and then Massimo, who remains convincedthe acts of shocking violence mislabeled as kinky
sex will convince his victim to fallin love with him. Uh, if
you're not familiar with that one,that's three sixty five which is not a

(25:17):
BDSM movie at all. It's it'sa kidnapping. As you say, it's
kind of a Beauty and the Beastswitch. Honestly, I'm gonna take you
away and you're gonna love me.Yeah, you're gonna you're gonna get Stockholm
syndrome and you're gonna fall desperately inlove with me. And I love Beauty

(25:41):
and the Beast. But looks callspade a spade. Yeah. Uh.
None of these actually fall within therealm of kink or BDSM. BDSM involves
consensual, explicitly discussed and heavily negotiatedacts of bondage, scipline, dominant submission,
and sadism and masochism. Broadly,people in this community play one of

(26:07):
three different roles. The dom whois the giver of one or many different
forms of BDSM acts, the subwho receives those acts, and switches,
who may be the giver in somescenarios, uh, and the receiver and
others so only two because switches,Yeah, well no, but each person

(26:36):
is labeled basically as one of thosethree things. And some people are against
defining these roles at first when theycome in, and then they find themselves
eventually going to a position where youknow what they find out. It really
helps UH to navigate BDSM if theyhave a defined role. That defined roles

(27:00):
are not the bad thing that we'retaught that they are. And as this
person follows up, this definition ofthe roles we play within BDSM scenes is
crucial because it establishes some of thebiggest facets of this form of play,
power and control. Every act ofplay within this umbrella involves a negotiation for

(27:25):
power and control. Who gives itup, who takes the reins, and
the full degree of power that allparties carry in escalating or ending an act
is comprehensively defined. Unlike situations inthe rest of the world, where we
must read cues or seek clarity ina conversation to calculate our safety, BDSM

(27:49):
scenarios allow us to build a fixedscript before the event even occurs. It's
like being back in that dreaded mathclass again, only you hold the power
to decide what your teacher can orcannot call you this time. Go ahead
of me, thoughts, M No, I got I got thoughts. Imagine

(28:19):
that I've got words. I meanfor for everybody that is here today in
the chat room. I know thatthey understand all this. Oh, Percussio.
Hello, we all have different moralityvectors and they can shift through time
and experience. Yes, I agreewith that, Percossia. Most original fairy

(28:45):
tales are dark warnings. Yep,very true to their m R MR.
Can I love you guys anyway?So yeah, I had things to say,
I'm not They're so duh things thatI'm not going to repeat myself.

(29:14):
So we can just move on towhere kink and trauma connect. That is
precisely where trauma and social conditioning oftendefine the form of social and sexual exchanges.
We prefer to have people who feelburdened by the weight of being the
decision maker or primary caregiver within theireveryday lives may often look to submit to

(29:37):
a partner in BDSM or kink forthem. BDSM may not have a sexual
may not be a sexual experience atall, but it may but may solely
be for the emotional release of havingsomeone else instruct them, make choices for
them, and give them a breakfrom having to be the active decision maker.

(30:02):
I have played the role of domthis is the speaker, not of
me for nearly ten years while stereotypesand poorly researched articles online leding me to
believe that I was broken for wantingto play with certain levels of power and
control in the bedroom. Practicing actualBDSM showed me otherwise. I have grown

(30:26):
up witnessing an abusive adult, andmy biggest fear has always been that I
might treat my loved ones the sameway someday. Engaging with BDSM as a
dom where subs give me different formsof power and control in a scene allow
me to wield those powers with responsibility. I watched myself build a scripts with

(30:49):
subs who wanted to be bound,spanked, and called certain names during role
play. I watched myself commit tothat script alongside the sub who tried me
and cared enough about me to notpush me beyond my capabilities, and watched
them leave feeling safe and heard andnot traumatized. It released me from my

(31:11):
own darkest fears and continues to rebuildme. Now. I see myself as
as capable of offering and offering careand comfort while staying in control of my
actions. Through kinky play, Ihave witnessed partners recreate scenes or dynamics where

(31:33):
they felt helpless, re Experiencing thoseemotions in the arms of someone who will
stay close, hold you, andengage with you with explicit consent allows our
nervous systems to slowly heal from thestress and tensions that we never got to
process when the incident of trauma firstoccurred. Imagine having the opportunity to rewrite

(31:57):
the way a particular word, sensation, or dynamic makes you feel. Someone
who was hit as a child butnever offered any compliments may ask to be
hit again and have their head kissedgently as their dom calls them a good
girl. Someone may someone else mayplay role play to explore interactions that resemble

(32:19):
their past, only to ensure adifferent outcome, this time where they are
respected more or feel more heard.Others may experience a renewed sense of strength
and confidence after using a safe wordto end a scene, especially if they
did not have the chance to defendthemselves in the past. Yeah, I
mean down to the whole abusing,growing up watching someone be abused and being

(32:47):
afraid that you were going to becomean abuser yourself. Like I said,
this article just it really spoke tome because that was a huge fear.
That's probably the reason why I lovechoking and breathplay so much is because of

(33:07):
you know, I've said this manytimes. My very first memory in life
is seeing my dad in anger chokingmy mom and jumping up and biting him
on the leg. He died witha scar from when I was just a
wee little kid and thought that hewas trying to kill my mom, which
he was. Both times I sawhim be physical with her, it was

(33:35):
both choking her both times. Soyou know, for me to be able
to do that with somebody else andit be consensual and enjoyed and appreciated for
a better way of putting it,it it gives me back control. So

(34:06):
yeah, no, I definitely yougot thoughts. I mean, it basically
describes what we did in my catharticscene. Honestly, when we've talked about
that, I'm sure many times tothe point where we always also say that

(34:28):
my therapist was unknowingly involved but wasfucking thrilled when I told him about it.
He was like, that is sogreat, And I wish you guys
knew him and could see the excitementand revelation on his face from me telling
him that we recreated this thing thatI didn't realize was so traumatic. Just

(35:00):
on the off chance that you're brandnew and this is your first episode.
I was uh trigger warning, oldschool, uh punishments, hickory switch.
I was spanked from my ass tomy ankles. A grissage crop feels.

(35:23):
If you're every curious what that feelslike, grissage crop feels basically the exact
same way. And I had cutson the front and back of my legs
that the stretch wrapped around. Soyeah, and then when we did our
cathartic scene, I was able tosay when to stop, and I was

(35:47):
allowed to cry, and I wasallowed to feel, and I was allowed
to be loved and held and comforted. Were when it happened at home,
I was told, if you don'tstop crying, I'm going to do it
again. Yeah. So yeah,it's well, Uh the last episode,

(36:15):
I think we kind of Mr says, I hate switches, shudder. Hey,
but the morning this time? Yeah, and uh, uh warning going
to talk about race issues. Well, the last episode I think it was
uh we kind of talked about raceplay a little bit, and em R

(36:39):
had lots of positive things to saythere and cautionary things to say there,
but growing up with a father whohe was not your typical redneck. And

(36:59):
what a was he was? Uh, he's not He's not the stereotype redneck
where it's you know, a bigmouth of tobacco or or you know,
constantly a cigarette and a beer orwhiskey or something, and and uh,

(37:21):
you know all the guns. Imean, don't get me wrong, he
had a few guns, but hewas not like he's sitting there, uh,
cleaning them and oiling them and collectingtons of them and all of this.
The only I've said to many peoplemany times, the only thing that
kept him out of being a memberof the Klan uh was one the Klan.

(37:50):
I grew up in Georgia when theKlan was like two counties over.
They had a whole wopp in likefive members. And typically what they did
there was beat up people who beattheir wives. They weren't actually even about
like race per se. But washis job. He was a businessman and

(38:16):
very well kept and groomed, andyou know, again not your typical redneck,
but he was very racist. Andso having partners of different ethententicities I
think is the different races and partnerswho suggested these things to me, which

(38:44):
again I was very reluctant to participatein because I just couldn't imagine myself saying
some of the things that were negotiatedfor me to say, or do some
of the things, or participate insome of the the types of play that
was re enacting, you know,the most despicable part of American history.

(39:10):
It makes me uncomfortable to talk aboutopenly here right now, but it helped
me to be able to separate howI was raised and myself and how I
actually feel. Where you know,you base your likes or dislikes on a

(39:36):
person because of that person, thatindividual, not anything else, and whether
or not you two get along,and why you don't. I mean,
just because you don't get along withsomebody doesn't make them a bad person.

(39:58):
Just because somebody is the same heritageas I am doesn't make them a good
person. And you know, thatwas that was something that took me years
to realize. Being raised in thatenvironment that was traumatic for me and being

(40:20):
able to deal with that. Infact, it was after it was dealt
with that I realized how traumatic andhow detrimental to my life it could have
actually been. So you know,people think about the stereotypical things. And
I'm going to talk about some ofthose other stereotypical things in just a minute,

(40:43):
like people with chronic pain. Percussio, who has talked about it here
in the chat room before a fewyears ago. I think it was you,
may Fair, you have chronic pain. I have chronic pain, though
I don't seek out pain to atleast I used not to. I may

(41:07):
start who knows, in order tohelp me cope with the new forms of
chronic pain that I have now.But I'm just bringing this up to say
that people think of the stereotypical things. You know, I have chronic back

(41:29):
pain, so you know, orI have fibromyalogia or MS that causes a
lot of pain, so bottoming forimpact play or other types of play helps
alleviate that. But there's also otherthings, very psychologically rooted things that we

(41:52):
often don't think about, that applyas well. So yeah, Mr reiterates
race play helps me deal with reality. Yeah, and that's okay, So

(42:15):
may Fair anything else on that sectionthat Now that I've said all that I've
just rambled about, it just mademe think about my own upbringing. I
live with my mother and my grandmother, and my grandmother is was sorry,

(42:37):
insanely racist. She grew up inthe like the mountains of Appalachia, and
racism was as common as women havinglong hair there. Unfortunately, especially when
she grew up there and growing upin the house, her always saying the

(42:58):
negative things, and then my mombeing completely opposite, like as long as
nobody hits you, I don't care, and it was just it was just
I was processing all that as all, yeah, I mean, that's go
ahead. It's pretty funny that Iended up in BDSM. So long as

(43:21):
nobody hits you, Oh well,it's kind of like it, yeah,
because I don't understand the consensual hitting. Oh No, I had a friend.
I had a I guess in thetenth yeah, tenth grade when I
changed high schools, which I had, I had a friend Dexter. Obviously,

(43:52):
if you're if you're listening to this, just in the audio only version
of the podcast, you've never seenme. I'm a white guy. Dexter
was a black guy, and hecame to my school in the sixth grade,
six or yeah, six, sixthgrade, and we become friends.

(44:15):
I was beaten because we became friends, because I asked if he could stay
over. My dad says, Dexter, what kind of name is that?
And I said, I, Idon't know. I guess it's And keep
in mind, this was like almostforty years ago. I said, he,

(44:43):
I don't know, I guess it'sa black name. Again, I
was raised racist and I didn't knowit. Saying something like that was racist,
okay, And he immediately punched mein the face, and uh.

(45:04):
But we remain friends at school,and come to find out, his parents,
both black, were just as equallyracist toward white people as my dad
was toward black people and Mexicans andyou know, or Hispanics and Jews and
everything else. It's just no matterwhat color you are, you can grow

(45:31):
up with these traumas. No matterwhat race you are, you can have
these experiences. And it's you know, I've been kicked out my friend Kristen,
who my wife has met her.Her mom and dad were very well

(45:52):
educated people that accepted me because Iwas Christen's friend, but eventually asked me
to leave their home because they wereafraid that Kristin and I were dating and
they weren't going to have their daughterdata white guy. So I wasn't even

(46:14):
though that was. We were friendsand she was a lesbian and not out
to her family yet really not outto anyone yet. But that wasn't you
know, that wasn't even on herradar nor mine. And Ian mor says,
you're white. Well, actually,if you want to get down to
it, I am white with traces, well rather recent traces of Native American,

(46:47):
and I am also a descendant anAmerican descendant of slavery. So that
is just which that's that's so funnybecause you know, my dad was the
one that told me that that Ihad a great great great great grandmother that
was a slave and it was onhis side, so that was his blood

(47:15):
as well, and yet he wasracist. So you know, you cannot
make logical those things which are basedin fear and are completely illogical. It
just it's never going to happen.But anyway, back to the trauma discussion,

(47:38):
realizing the role kink plays in traumarecovery. This is the last section,
and I want to thank some peopleand then we will jump into this
section. So as those listeners ofyou who are regular listeners know, we
do not take any corporate sponsors.We're you for value, which means that

(48:01):
if you get value out of this, and you care to reciprocate to give
value back, you can do soby time, talent, or treasure.
And those who do so we liketo give them recognition. We call them
the cryptors. And if you wouldlike to become a cryptor, you could
do so at coldorscrrip dot com,Slash Patreon, coldorscrypt dot com, slash

(48:22):
PayPal. You can become a onetime, a monthly or yearly donor,
or if you want to send ina check or a gift, you can
do that at through Sneil Mill.The address is linked in the description,
and the show notes those who aremonthly executive producers coming in at twenty five

(48:43):
dollars a month. Not the Daddy, Shadowy Fox, Juni, Corn's Angel,
Johnny Ferrell, Ray Webb, HarryWeb, Darling ten and Sarge Cairo
and Exploring Mermaid senior producers at tendollars a month. Trouble one thirteen,
Alexandria, Baby Love and t RexTies, Daddy Steve, Lily kJ I
think Lily was in the chat roomtoo, Hello Lily kJ Atzila, Ben

(49:07):
Trendy, Faye, em R Kenhawk, Gentleman, Sadist Lovely Sunshine, Nick
and the Plumber Producers at five dollarsa month, Cane Sen that place in
Oklahoma City, Thank you, MiterHey Dia, MBR Poodle, Bad Dog,
Bad Subex thirteen Catnip Meow, WildTime and Deacon Seawan Cheery, Query

(49:31):
Rabbit, Archangel, John Shaw,Segment Shadow, Grizzled Yetti and Yosa fetish
artist Serb Nice Kitten three ninety nineNeon, Dan and Dawn from the Erotic
Awakening podcast been listening to their tryingto catch up on theirs man. They've

(49:51):
had some good episodes here recently.Highly recommend checking them out. They are
the original kink podcasters as far asI know. Their show has been around
for sixteen years or longer. BlackAngel, Sir r J Resefi, Nick's
O nine Officer, Davis Finn,Pepa, Kinky J, Daddy's Princess,

(50:14):
kayleb Alfrea and Little Bear Like Iskipped some No I didn't okay, Junior
Producers A dollar of a month,K two s O MORGANA thirteen Civil Disobedience
Rope Officionado, Gator and Gizmo,Alexa, Ashley Meg and Astroid in chains
and right now, I really reallywant to sincerely thank you guys. Everything

(50:37):
that comes in for the show goesto the show. That's how I afford
the to host the events at nocharge to any of the cryptus that show
up and put all the food togetherand all of that. I am about

(51:00):
to lose all of my benefits andit's going to take me over a year,
probably about a year to settle forthis injury that took place. And
so cryptors, you guys are nowproviding me with my sole income, and

(51:22):
I guess taking some of that moneythat comes in to help pay the mortgage
and things like that is keeping theshow alive. So because without a hole,
I can't do the show. SoI especially want to thank you now.
And if anybody has been considering becominga Patreon producer, now's the time

(51:42):
that we could really use your helpthe most. So if you want to
get a coldnscript dot com, slash, Patreon or PayPal, please feel free
to do that and it is greatlyappreciated. You will get put into our
private disc and you can have directaccess to me. I am not in

(52:05):
there very much. Please understand thatright off the bat, I am not
in discord very much. We doa monthly munch. However, if somebody
tags me or sends me a directmessage in Discord, I will respond,
typically pretty quick within minutes. Ido get those notifications most of the time

(52:28):
on my cell phone, and asMayfair can testify to, I'm never without
my cell phone. My wife refersto it as my mistress, so I
can't really see it because of themask. But I'm certain Mayfair is smirking
right now in not a pleasant way. I, however, don't get notifications

(52:57):
on Discord, and I've checked allof my settings and none of them say
block notifications, but I still don'tget them. So yeah, next time
we're in the same place, letme try to go into your Discord settings
on your phone and see if Ican find some of those hidden features.

(53:19):
So if you message me on there, I am in there. I just
don't get told about thanks. Yeah, So for now, if you want
to message Mayfair, go ahead andmessage her, but send me, tag
me or send me a message,and I will let her know so that

(53:40):
she can respond. Yeah, herfrustrated look is or words are not pleasant
for me. So when I say, hey, did you see that thing
that you were tagged in? BecauseI had forgot that she didn't get her
notifications. No, I don't getthem. It's not pleasant for me,

(54:06):
So help protect me. People,she can be scarier than you think.
I promise why I'm an angel.Yeah, I'm sorry. What an angel?
People are so good at lying tothemselves. Hey, Lucifer was an

(54:27):
angel too. Lily Ka says,we often don't realize the emotional impact the
adults in our childhood had on usuntil we're older, if at all,
or the trauma response responses and fearsthat resulted. Yes, absolutely, and
a lot of times it takes ittakes some weird event or something for us

(54:57):
to realize that. I think itmay be another traumatic event or a flashback
or something similar what they call earliersimilar. I mean, honestly, mine
was. I went to therapy becauseI was sexually abused as a kid.

(55:21):
I have a lot of issues withmy father not wanting to be in my
life. That's why I went totherapy. And after like the first day
of therapy, we haven't really talkedabout that because those were not the things
that actually caused me as much ofthe issues I have as the environment I
grew up in, oh And that'sfunny because I was the same way.

(55:49):
And a lot of people that Iknow who have been through therapy, which
is a lot of damn people,say that, you know, what they
went in their preconceived opinions of whattheir problem was. You know, quote
unquote what their problem was was notwhat their problem was, it was it

(56:14):
was something else. You know.I went into therapy with the thoughts of
all the abuse and the molestation,and you know, my dad being my
dad was the root of all myproblems. And come to find out,
I had some massive abandonment issues becauseof my mother, who was driven temporarily

(56:38):
insane by my father and when whenshe had had enough of his abuse that
her brain just shut down for threeor four or five years, five years,
I think, and she could nolonger do any of the motherly things

(57:00):
from the time that I was,you know, like eight or nine until
god, fourteen fifteen. It waslonger than I thought it was, come
to think of it, But thatcreated some massive abandonment issues, like where'd
she go? And I never wouldhave guessed that until I went into therapy.

(57:24):
And it wasn't that the therapist ledme there. The therapist just asked
questions that therapists asked and let mefigure it out. And that's what a
good therapist does. They're not thereto solve your problems. They're there to
support you while you cry and askyou the questions that will inevitably lead you

(57:49):
to cry or to have these realizations. That's what makes a therapist good.
They don't tell you what to do. It's still very weird that being molested
was not the root of so muchof my things. It, I mean,
that's that's very crazy to think,because you know, sexual abuse is

(58:12):
like high level trauma. If youhave anybody like there's nobody who will say,
oh, yeah, you were sexuallyabuse. Oh that's nothing like that.
That's a pretty pretty solid reason fortherapy. And then really you get
in there and you're like, oh, well, shit, that wasn't as
hard. That part wasn't as badas I thought. Well, and one

(58:34):
surprised me was when it came timeto forgive, forgive my father because he
was the root, and forgive mymother was easy because she was driven to
insanity by him. Forgiving him forall the physical violence that occurred every day
with me, and uh, justyou know, being one of the worst

(59:00):
human beings I've ever met. Thatwas roughly easy in comparison to my mom.
It was just easy with Dad.It was easy in comparison to how

(59:20):
hard it was to forgive myself.And that's like the final phase of therapy
for most people because that is whereresponsibility and ownership of your trauma comes from.
And there's a big difference between blameand responsibility. Like my responsibility was

(59:45):
owning that the bad choices that Ihad made. Once I became aware that
I was making bad choices due tothese things that had happened to me and
all of the harm that I causedother people, I had to forgive myself
for that, and that was thehard part. And you know, also

(01:00:07):
seeking forgiveness from others. But youknow, I had to forgive myself and
understand that, you know, Imay or may not receive forgiveness for other
people and be okay with that.And a massive, massive part of that

(01:00:28):
was the BDSM community and the playand the lifestyle. And you know we're
not off topic here, I justit was and my wife, especially during
that time. Yeah, it justa huge culmination of things. A support

(01:00:52):
system of some kind is essential.M R n H. My abusive mother
would tell me that she beat meblack and blue because she loved me,
and then she's got some puky facesmixed with some sick faces. Yes,

(01:01:12):
I agree, but that does soundwell. My dad would never use the
word love. He never once toldme and loved me. Percussio says,
therapy was supposed to be migrain related. It's more like why are people stupid?

(01:01:37):
And how do I get out ofinteracting with them? Oh, Lily
Kao says, which sucks when youget there, and worth it once you
acknowledge it. Yeah, the forgivenesspart and the ending of therapy, which

(01:01:58):
I need to go in for atouch up given what has been a traumatic
event in my life with my injurythat was absolutely no fault of my own
and the company who is responsible forit admitted it, which is Mayfair's former
employer. Uh. But yeah,Lily, I agree, it does suck.

(01:02:27):
Honest. I think that forgiving othersis always going to be easier than
forgiving yourself. I think self forgivenessis the hardest thing you will ever do
in life, whether or not youhave any reason to actually forgive yourself.

(01:02:50):
Like I've been very open about beingsexually abused. It's still a thing in
my mind that it's my fault.It's still something I fight against, is
that it was my fault. Icould have spoke up, I could have
said no, I could have Icould have I could have done a thousand
things differently, even though logically youknow that you were a child and I

(01:03:15):
was. I was the naivest,youngest little little girl you could imagine.
I don't know how graphic I've gotten, and I guess, well, because
there's not enough trigger warnings for theday, we're not going to get far
into it. But I didn't evenconsider that the abuse that happened. I

(01:03:37):
didn't even know it was a thing, like I just thought it was something
that was like extrasic and twisted andperverted and nasty, to the point where
it's still something that I'm like,eh, I could take it or leave
it now in my life, butnot feeling guilty and forgiving myself for what

(01:04:05):
happened is incredibly difficult. Yeah,And I don't know. I think it's
one of those things that at somepoint you you'll eventually come to terms with
it. But logically I know itwasn't my fault, and that's where the

(01:04:28):
dissidence occurs, it's like I guiltyabout it. Yeah, Jackie says something
incredibly powerful in the end, theforgiveness isn't even for them, it's for
you. You deserve peace, AndI think that independently that is a very,

(01:04:56):
very true and powerful statement. Theproblem that people have is that last
part is thinking that they deserve peace, because as long as you're blaming yourself
for the trauma, you don't thinkthat you deserve it. You don't think

(01:05:17):
that you deserve that piece And youdo, You're you do, you do
deserve it. Thank you Jackie forthrowing that in there, and everybody,

(01:05:38):
everybody who's commented today. There's beensome funny ones, there's been some serious
ones, and they've all been amazing. I should have known better. We
hold ourselves to such a high standard. Yeah, Lily says. I think

(01:06:00):
the hardest thing for me to letgo of was the desire to understand the
reason it happened, the why,And you're hitting on something there that very
often, when it's something that somebodyelse does to us, the reason is

(01:06:26):
so simple that we don't want toaccept it. And the reason is often
it was a bad person doing abad thing, and that's why it happened,
and we want to add so muchmore to it. We want to

(01:06:49):
find out why they did it,and sometimes figuring out why they did it,
why my dad was the way thathe was, Why Mayfair's abuser abused
her and did the things that weredone to her. Yeah, their stepdad
did it to them. But I'msaying that these things can help us to

(01:07:11):
forgive them, but then we haveto break through that barrier still of forgiving
ourselves. So and Jackie says truein regard to I'm assuming Lily's comment,
closure is not all roses and honey, you know, I have issue with

(01:07:32):
that, with that whole concept ofclosure. And the reason is is that
because inherently humans are prone to repeatthe past, and even when we come
to terms with it and deal withit and put it to bed, there
will be things that will bring itto the forefront of our minds again,

(01:07:55):
and you can have like a verymild relapse or something like that. So,
you know, does does closure actuallyexist? Is it really a thing?
Uh? You get you look atrelationships, people break up and then
we're get divorced whatever, and thenthey you know, they do it amicably,

(01:08:19):
uh, and things are cool,but maybe you hug and you have
the urge out of habit that hasbeen put to bed, you have the
urge to kiss them, or noteven like a big romantic kiss or anything

(01:08:42):
like that, just out of habit, like just a quick peck or something.
Or you know, you see somebodythat you've dated or were married to
or something and everything has been dealtwith, but you see them out in
public and it's been a while orsomething, and you get like the butterflies
or like that. Your stomach dropsand you're like, oh God, I

(01:09:08):
haven't seen them in forever, andthings rush back. That doesn't mean that
it hasn't been dealt with. That, that just means that you're human.
So the concept of closure, I'mnot. I've had many a talk with
many a therapists and mental health professionalsabout the concept of closure, and I've

(01:09:31):
still not come to a determination onhow I feel about it. All Right,
I need to finish up this lastsection. We're running out of time.
Even though this is a probably youknow, in the top five or

(01:09:53):
ten conversations that I think that we'vehad with the chat room, and that's
just because of my love at thetopic and the fact that you guys are
so on fire today realizing the rolekink plays in trauma recovery. When interviewed
about the role of BDSM and kinkin trauma recovery for Dame License, marriage

(01:10:13):
and family therapist Pam Schaefer explains,BDSM can be an excellent way to help
people explore their own sense of agencyand safety, which can be deeply healing
when it comes to trauma. Traumacomes from events that happen outside of our
control, while in BDSM, theevents that unfold during a scene between partners

(01:10:38):
are discussed beforehand, and either partnerhas the ability to stop the action with
a safeword. A large facet oftrauma recovery includes forgiving yourself for not knowing
more during the act of violence,or for not being able to assess a
boundary, seek curve her or keepyour body safe. Kinky scenes allows you.

(01:11:04):
Kinky scenes allow you to rewrite thoseendings. For many people. This
is a quote. For many peoplewho have experienced trauma, it means learning
to trust themselves first and foremost,but also learning to trust others, says
Holly Richmond, PhD, PhD,a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.

(01:11:36):
She continues to say, when itcomes to sexuality, BDSM and kink is
an ideal practice ground because it requiressuch conscious awareness, decision making, and
communication before anything begins. For peoplewho are left with physical scars from trauma.
This is interesting. For people whowere left with physical scars from trauma,

(01:12:00):
BDSM can rewire your nervous system toassociate new and fully consensual bruises with
a sense of pride and achievement instead. That's where people's other than the peer

(01:12:21):
pressure to have pretties, people whohave experienced these traumas, that rewriting of
your physiology or your neurology. Ithink that's amazing, and I've talked about
that before. But these consisual bruiseswith a sense of pride and achievement instead,

(01:12:44):
what was once a scar that broughtyou shame, grief, and fear
can now be a reminder of justhow far your body is willing to go
to protect you, stand up foryou, and help you make it to
the nearest exit. While many canand do enjoy kinky acts for the intimacy
they build between partners and the conversationsthey encourage you to have. Most of

(01:13:10):
us find ourselves looking into the languageof kink to liberate ourselves as individuals.
The detailed negotiations within kink also allowfor people with chronic illnesses and injuries to
engage with sexual desires, intimacy,and play in controlled ways that do not

(01:13:30):
aggravate their existing pain. Some evenprefer the steam pain in bruises from BDSM
to the chronic pain they've always theyalways have to live with, because the
high from intense kinky scenes can momentarilyreduce or diminish the pain they fell in

(01:13:54):
other parts of their body because ofchronic illness. People with disabilities who may
have been and shamed for their bodiesbefore, can build scripts to ensure their
body is held, touched, andexplored in ways that do not pressure them
to endure discomfort or duress. Whenexplored right and supported by informed and understanding

(01:14:17):
partners, even hours of submission anddegradation can have you walking home feeling positive.
Hours of submission and degradation can haveyou walking home feeling positive. To
have negotiated with your dom, followedtheir instructions, executed their demands, and

(01:14:40):
handled pain or submission with such poweris no easy task. The beauty of
BDSM and kink is that it acknowledgesnot all play, whether sexual or not,
is for the fulfillment of others orfor strengthening the bonds you share.
Its primary goal goal is to ensurethat you have the tools and support to

(01:15:03):
foster a better connection with yourself,where you can trust your body to differ,
to differentiate pleasure from pain, yourmind to stay present and signal you
to keep going or to stop orslow down, and for your mind and
body to feel like a synchronized team. What UH finalizes by saying, that's

(01:15:29):
what trauma robs from us, achance to fill whole. And when I
read that, I'm like, holyshit, that that's big, and I'm
gonna go back and reread that lastcent is its primary goal is to ensure
that you have the tools and supportto foster a better connection with yourself,

(01:15:49):
where you can trust your body todifferent pleasure, to do to differentiate pleasure
from pain, your mind to staypresent and signaling you to keep going or
to stop or slow down, andfor your mind and body to feel like
a synchronized team. That's what traumarobs from us, a chance to fill

(01:16:10):
whole a good BDSM scene brings youa good BDSM soon brings you a partner
who understands that and facilitates your journeyinto yourself. Some of us learn how
to build ourselves back up again throughtherapy alone, and some of us turn

(01:16:31):
to friends or family for comfort andreassurance. But the rest of us,
we will be right here with ourfloggers and chains, rebuilding our homes and
redefining safety one safe word at atime. Yeah, we do recommend that
you do not use BDSM, thatyou do not use BDSM as therapy.

(01:16:58):
You use it with therapy. That'snot a recommendation, that is an actual
need. Yeah. Yeah, evenas experienced as I am in both of
the worlds of psychology and BDSM,that is something that it's talked about with

(01:17:20):
every person I play with, becauseif they come to me telling me that,
you know, it's my therapy,and people say that in a joke,
in a joking way most of thetime, but there have been people
who have been very sincere about it, and I don't feel comfortable in being

(01:17:44):
responsible for that person in that waymost of the time, well really any
of the time, but you know, depending on what their level of trauma
is where they're at in their processand that type of thing. But yeah,
use it as a tool with therapy. So, uh, Mayfair,

(01:18:06):
what do you think about that?Because that really hit me that that line,
that's what trauma robs from us achance to fill whole, to have
our mind, our body, andour spirit all synchronized and working together in
a positive way. Because until Iread that, I never I didn't realize

(01:18:27):
that that's that's what UH topping forimpact play does for me with a regular
partner. But I mean, youdon't have focus on that. You can
any any part of this last section. What are your thoughts? I mean

(01:18:48):
that thought occurred to me reading mybooks that I tell everyone they should read
that are in my personal life.That's why I connected so much with the
main characters. She gets to leaveher body when things get hard. You
can have the body. I don'tcare it's my enemy anyway, it's just

(01:19:11):
used against me. So that's kindof a thought that I've been familiar with
for a very long time. Butnow having gone through therapy and experiencing what

(01:19:32):
I hope you would consider caring BDSMand these different types of play, being
able to not have to escape yourbody to protect yourself, but it being
a choice to keep the mind thereand synchronize in mind, body and spirit,

(01:19:58):
rather than feeling for to mentally disappearwhile these acts were taking place.
I mean, for king kwise,it was about choosing the pain instead of
being forced to deal with the pain. For me as a bottom who does

(01:20:24):
have chronic pain, and I didn'teven have a definition for it at that
point, or but it allowed meto say, Okay, this is pain
that I can focus on, andI'm choosing this pain, and therefore it

(01:20:45):
I don't have to have this pain, whereas like my feet or my knees
or whatever happens to be hurting thatday, I don't get to choose that
pain. I don't get to Okay, I'm done now, can we stop?
Like it was about That's what itwas like. The scenes were about

(01:21:10):
being able to have pain that Ichose. Yeah. Yeah, And I
think that's what most people experience.I think that kind of sums it up.
I mean, if you were ifyou were to wrap this up.
Funny side note, I have theweirdest injury on my finger. I keep

(01:21:33):
playing with a flap of skin thatgot cut up Uh, No, as
you know, I didn't hardly doanything because I can't. No. I
was eating pistachios last night and Iwas cracking them open, and I sliced

(01:21:55):
the weirdest freaking injury I have everacquired my life a freaking pistachio. Yeah,
that's a little flap of skin rightthere. Anyway, I had to
share that definitely my level of injury. Right, that's like just so bizarre.

(01:22:21):
All right, we're about a timeso and we are at the end
of the article. It's been anamazing conversation today. I've I have thoroughly
enjoyed this. I am mentally wipedout. Now, how would you do
you have any what are your finalthoughts? Anything else to say on that
section? Final thoughts from the chatroom. If there's anything that you want

(01:22:44):
me to to answer, anything youwant Mayfair to answer, please now's you're
your opportunity. If Mayfair has afinal thought ready, I think as long
as you're doing things in a healthyway, like with therapists, or if

(01:23:10):
you've gone through therapy and you kindof know where you need to be,
whatever way makes you feel back incontrol, that isn't harmful to another living
person or creature is okay if thatmeans it's BDSM cool, if it means

(01:23:30):
it's a hot bath with candles,perfect, even if it's just going on
crazy adventure rides like zip lines orsomething that you were always afraid of.
But now you're choosing. You've cameto a place and you're choosing to face
the fears and to not let thatcontrol you anymore. That that's another way,

(01:23:58):
like, as long as you arenot causing harm to anyone, whether
it be yourself, an animal,or any other living thing. However you
and your therapist can find a healthyway for you to process it and to
reclaim your own power, is completelyacceptable. And don't let anybody tell you,

(01:24:24):
oh my god, that's so weird. It doesn't matter. Your healing
journey is about you and you alone, as long as you're not hurting others,
harming others, sorry, hurt versusharm. We're in a kink setting.
Yeah, baby Love texted me andI didn't see it until now.

(01:24:49):
She texted me at like two eighteen, says I saw your topic today.
I'm actually attending a virtual non recordedzoom right now. Safe in the shadows.
Kink versus toxicity. In dark dynamics, so I won't be able to
attend your live show. Just wonderingif you are doing if you're going to

(01:25:11):
touch base at all about edgeplay,playing with trauma or emotional SNM. And
I think that we definitely got intothat, into edge play, but we
didn't call it that, but wedefinitely got into that an emotional sinem So

(01:25:32):
yeah. I also got another messagefrom somebody who is not anybody who has
spoken the chat room today that askedme why I laughed about saying such a
racist thing in referencing the Dexter beinga quote unquote black name. And I

(01:26:01):
was only laughing out of my ownignorance and embarrassment from when I was a
kid. I tend to laugh whenI'm embarrassed or ashamed of something, and
I was absolutely ashamed that I madethat statement because I didn't know that it

(01:26:26):
was a racist thing to say.So to answer your question, if you're
still watching, that is why Iwas laughing. I do not find it
funny. Thank you for calling meon it and asking the question instead of
just messaging me cussing me out.But yeah, that is why. Again,

(01:26:55):
I was a child, I onlyknew what I had been taught,
and I did not know if thatgets me canceled, and you know,
fine, that's just fucking stupid becauseI was a child and I didn't know.
But you know whatever, I waslaughing simply because I was ashamed and

(01:27:18):
embarrassed. Yeah, it can happen. It's see, I'm doing it now.
Like I just, I tend thatlaughter tends to be my go to
when I'm frustrated, when i'm It'show I initially deal with most things.

(01:27:38):
Is even when I'm hurt, Ican tend to laugh or yell. So
yeah, that's why. Sorry tohave to end the show like that,
But I just wanted to address thatfor anybody who may have thought the same

(01:28:03):
thing, because if one person thinksit out of the thousands of people who
are going to listen to this,if they continued listening and didn't just tune
out when I said that thirty minutesago in the show, that's why sorry.
Not sorry for laughing, because that'sjust how I respond. It's an

(01:28:30):
auto response, and I did notthink it was funny anyway. So my
overall impression of this is that everybodyshould go to this link, go to
Colderscript dot com slash five one four, and they should save this article in

(01:28:56):
their browser as a favorite so thatthey can with people who need it.
They can share it with their therapistif they're wanting to come out to friends
or family who know that they've experiencedtrauma. This can be a great introduction
to that, I would think,because it can help people to understand why

(01:29:18):
you would consider participating in these things. It can start a conversation between partners
if you are just becoming interested inthis and trying to introduce it into a
relationship, whether it be a marriage, a friendship, whatever. I think

(01:29:39):
it could be one of those keythings. Now, if it backfires on
you, that's not, you know, my fault. You chose to do
it, But I'm not telling anybodyto. I'm saying it could be use
your own judgment. People, youknow the person that you would possibly send
this, I don't. So yeah, if you need help, get help

(01:30:12):
and help to deal with that again, So yeah, I guess that's gonna
do it. May fair Again forthose of you who have been in the
chat room, have been here liveanswering questions, we really appreciate it and
it's been awesome. I apologize onemore time for kind of ending the show

(01:30:32):
on a downer. But I'll giveyou one last look at my finger there
where I've got this weird little cutfrom a pistachio nut something that is truly
laughable. Oh my god, I'mreally not that accident prone anyway, Mayfair

(01:30:57):
you done other than just giving afoul look at that last statement that I'm
not really that accident from. I'venever cut my finger on a pistachio,
I hate to be fair. Itwas several I ate several of them,
so I think it was the repetitivenessthat kind of got the skin. Yeah,

(01:31:21):
I didn't do a proper warm up. What can I say? I
just went right into it and endedup opening up my finger. See that's
what happens when you don't do aproper warm up. Kids, anyway,
just kidding about the kids. Ifyou're under eighteen, you should not be
listening to this. Go way anddon't come back until you are of age.

(01:31:47):
That's going to do it. Thishas been master cauldron and Mayfair for
coldnscript dot Com unearthed the truth

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