July 22, 2025 • 31 mins
Have you ever wondered why certain patterns keep repeating in your life, especially as you navigate midlife? The answer might lie in your earliest years.
Our conversation with inner child healing expert Jen Peters takes us on a profound journey connecting childhood experiences to midlife challenges. Drawing from her own path from severe trauma to transformation, Jen reveals how the beliefs we form before age seven create the foundation for our adult lives—impacting everything from relationships to self-worth.
What makes this exploration particularly eye-opening is Jen's ability to identify trauma where many wouldn't recognize it. Even seemingly positive experiences like adoption can create abandonment wounds that echo through decades. Through her work with thousands of clients, Jen has identified twelve core themes of childhood trauma that manifest in adulthood as relationship difficulties, feelings of unworthiness, or that persistent sense of "not being enough."
The discussion takes fascinating turns as we examine how ADHD symptoms often connect to early dissociation responses, how generational trauma passes through families, and the concerning impact of digital disconnection on today's youth. For listeners struggling with unexplained emotional patterns or midlife dissatisfaction, Jen offers clear signs to identify if you're operating from wounded inner child energy.
This episode isn't just about understanding our wounds—it's about healing them. Jen shares how reconnecting with our inner child allows us to give ourselves what we needed but didn't receive, creating profound shifts in our present-day lives. Her approach combines deep psychological insight with practical healing techniques anyone can apply.
Ready to transform your relationship with yourself and break free from limiting patterns? Listen now and discover how healing your inner child might be the missing piece in your midlife journey. Your younger self is waiting to show you the way home.
Source: https://jen-peters.com/Free Healing Resources:
Purchase Coming Home Bookhttps://amzn.to/40KvWNV
Thanks for listening! Follow us on our social channels
https://www.youtube.com/@Letstalkmidlifecrisis-mh2bf/videos
https://www.instagram.com/letstalkmidlifecrisis/
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100091451734861
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/let-s-talk-midlife-crisis-podcast--6627644/support.
Our conversation with inner child healing expert Jen Peters takes us on a profound journey connecting childhood experiences to midlife challenges. Drawing from her own path from severe trauma to transformation, Jen reveals how the beliefs we form before age seven create the foundation for our adult lives—impacting everything from relationships to self-worth.
What makes this exploration particularly eye-opening is Jen's ability to identify trauma where many wouldn't recognize it. Even seemingly positive experiences like adoption can create abandonment wounds that echo through decades. Through her work with thousands of clients, Jen has identified twelve core themes of childhood trauma that manifest in adulthood as relationship difficulties, feelings of unworthiness, or that persistent sense of "not being enough."
The discussion takes fascinating turns as we examine how ADHD symptoms often connect to early dissociation responses, how generational trauma passes through families, and the concerning impact of digital disconnection on today's youth. For listeners struggling with unexplained emotional patterns or midlife dissatisfaction, Jen offers clear signs to identify if you're operating from wounded inner child energy.
This episode isn't just about understanding our wounds—it's about healing them. Jen shares how reconnecting with our inner child allows us to give ourselves what we needed but didn't receive, creating profound shifts in our present-day lives. Her approach combines deep psychological insight with practical healing techniques anyone can apply.
Ready to transform your relationship with yourself and break free from limiting patterns? Listen now and discover how healing your inner child might be the missing piece in your midlife journey. Your younger self is waiting to show you the way home.
Source: https://jen-peters.com/Free Healing Resources:
Purchase Coming Home Bookhttps://amzn.to/40KvWNV
Thanks for listening! Follow us on our social channels
https://www.youtube.com/@Letstalkmidlifecrisis-mh2bf/videos
https://www.instagram.com/letstalkmidlifecrisis/
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100091451734861
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/let-s-talk-midlife-crisis-podcast--6627644/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to Let's talk midlife Crisis. I'm Ashley and I'm Tracy.
We're your go to hosts for all things midlife, menopause,
and Moments of Pure Mayhem. And today we have with
us Jen, author of Coming Home The Path to Healing
Your Inner Child, and she's coming to us from New
(00:23):
Zealand today.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Welcome Jen, Thank you, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
I am so excited to be here and talking about
a topic that is very close to my heart, both
the midlife crisis, going through those stages, and also of
course the inner child.
Speaker 4 (00:42):
Yes, yeah, I love that we're going to touch on
this because I from personal experience, I've discovered how a
lot of my childhood is affecting my midlife. Oh it's
I'm really excited that we're going to talk about this.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
I'm so glad that you raised that because that is
exactly what happens. Whatever we have experienced in childhood, it
really does lay the foundation for the rest.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Of our life.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
But the beautiful thing there is, of course, if things
aren't going so well in our adult life, we.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
Know what we need to do.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
We need to go back to get a child and
tend to them in the way that they need and
then things start to fall into alignments more in our
adult life.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
So I'm glad that you raised.
Speaker 5 (01:29):
That right now, do you want to share with us
a little bit about your personal healing journey from trauma
to transformation?
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Sure? Absolutely, thank you so.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Like a lot of you, probably, I have been through
a lot in my early years in childhood and went
through some pretty significant traumas actually in my teenage years
as well, and found myself in a narcissistic marriage by
the time I was in my well we were together
(02:04):
for a few years first, but by the time in
my mid twenties, I was in a.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Relationship and then married to somebody who was.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Very narcissistic, and of course, at fifty one now, all
those years ago, it just wasn't even a thing, so
I didn't.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
Even know that it existed.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
And I was also severely codependent, which again I didn't
know that that was just a thing. I just assumed
everybody felt like this, and so that we were married
for about together for fourteen years, but through that time,
just a lot of stuff from childhood really really caught
up with me. Within the relationship, I was very there
(02:45):
was a lot of betrayal. There's a lot of infidelity
because I was very codependent. It really honestly didn't matter
what went on, I would find some way of minimizing
it or it in some way or another, no matter
how bad it actually gone, and.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
It did get pretty bad, to be honest.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
I write about this and more detail inside made book
Coming Home.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
But by the time we got about.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Fourteen years and the marriage ended, and it was through infidelity,
and that was where my.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Healing actually started.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
It was the catalyst for what actually ended up an
incredible healing journey that's brought me to where I am today.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
And so basically the marriage.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
Dissolved, we had a very small he was about two
sons at the time, and honestly, I just felt like
I was broken into truly a million pieces. I really
did know what did not know what web was up,
what way was down. I didn't realize at the time,
but looking back, I was completely dissociated. That's why it
(03:52):
felt like that. I thankfully ended up actually taking the
advice to a friend who had been urging me to
see a healer for months, and I was like, what
on earth is even a helo.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
And even know what one was?
Speaker 2 (04:06):
And I remember, in true codependent fashion, thinking to myself, right,
if I could just get my ex husband to go
and see this healer and he'll be fixed, and then
we'll all be happy again. And I did call her,
and that was my intention, and she very wisely suggested
that I come and see her first, so I did,
(04:28):
and honestly, I remember that session vividly.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
That was the turning point for me. And from that,
literally that.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Session onwards, I have been developed to my healing path
ever since.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
And so that's where my healing actually began.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
And you know, part way through my healing journey, I
just I felt so dramatically different.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
I just thought that the people need to know that
this exists, that you can.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Feel like this, and that was really the impetus for
me to begin helping other people.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
And that's how it all began.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
And now it's yeah, quite a long, quite a big
journey between there and here, but now I.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Help thousands of people around the world, and.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
A child healing because it seems to be the area that,
as I said before, if there's something going on in
adulthood in the causal just about not always, but just
about always be some trauma in childhood, So that's how
we got to where were at.
Speaker 4 (05:31):
Yeah, and I think it's very like people don't realize that,
like you said, they don't realize that stuff that you
experienced growing up, even you managed to get through it
and you were functioning in life, at some point, it
does catch up to you. And it affects a lot
of aspects of your life, your relationship with your partner,
(05:54):
the way you handle trauma when you have trauma later
in life, the way you manage it. It works when
you're a child, the way you manage it, not always
as an adult, you know. Yeah, And I think it's
great that you, after going through that journey, decided to
help everybody out there that has these issues because they,
you know, they don't realize that it.
Speaker 6 (06:13):
Really can catch up to you.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Yeah, that's exactly it. It just it really honestly, it
affects everything. I see it as basically, the beliefs that
we form when we're around about seven and younger form
the foundations of the house. And quite often the fact is,
I don't think any of us get out of childhood
(06:38):
without some stuff.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
We might want to think that we are underscared, but.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
There will be some stuff there and this is not
to blame or shame parents, they were parenting through their
wounds as well, but it affects absolutely everything.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
So it is such an important area for us to
look at.
Speaker 4 (06:59):
Yeah, I agree, So what is your book just about
your journey or does it dive into other aspects.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
So my book, it's the first part of coming Home,
is really just going over my childhood and all the
way through until where I got to today. And the
reason for that is I've got quite a large following,
particularly on Instagram, and I wanted people to realize that
it doesn't matter where you are on your journey and
(07:28):
what you've actually been through. Because I have been through
some very significant traumas I won't go into detail, but
just things like adoption, at birth, there was small station,
gang rapes, There's a lot that I've been through. So
I wanted people to know that even if they've been
through some really big stuff, it is absolutely possible for
(07:50):
you to heal. And I also wanted people to recognize
that and the amount of people I have had come
back to me and say, you know that they their
story is so so much to my own. I think
for a lot of people it helps them to feel
seen and heard and understood. So yeah, So the first
part of Coming Home is going through my childhood up
(08:13):
until now, just touching on the main sort of events.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
And I want people to see also that some things
that we might have thought.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Was relatively normal or just something that happens when we're six.
I wanted them to be able to see the relationship
between what happened then and what happens when you're twenty six,
how that actually plays out, because it will have a
very direct impact.
Speaker 3 (08:37):
So yeah, so the first part of the book is looking.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
At that my story, and then we go into the
actual a lot of information about different aspects of healing,
things like ADHD dissociation, what trauma actually is, how it
comes about, and then most of the book is dedicated
to the twelve primary themes of trauma. So in the
(09:01):
around about twelve thousand hours in a child work that
I have done with clients now, the same themes keep
coming up again and again and again, and there might
be vari eight well, there are variations to them, but
there's twelve core themes, and so Coming Home I've addressed
each of those twelve core themes, and we look at
(09:23):
what the themes are of course low self worth for example,
what that actually is.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
We go into how it's actually formed.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
And what the signs are as a child, because I
want parents to be able to read this book and go,
oh my gosh, I can see what's happening here, so
I can.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Correct it now.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
So how these signs show up as a child, how
they show up an adulthood. And then there's a process
that you can step through to actually begin actually healing
that particular trauma.
Speaker 3 (09:55):
So we do that for each of the twelve traumas.
So there's a lot in it.
Speaker 7 (10:00):
Yes, wow, that's amazing. That's unpacking quite a lot.
Speaker 5 (10:04):
But I love it because it's you know why self
healing is both possible and it's powerful.
Speaker 3 (10:12):
Thank you.
Speaker 6 (10:12):
And you do you have clients? You actually do some
work with people individually?
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Yes, that's right, I've got I do see people one
on one. I've done over the last twelve years or
something along those lines. I've done primarily one on one work.
But I also do I've got a mentorship now where
I'm guiding a group.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
It's mostly women.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
Well it is just women at the moment, but it's
not exclusively just for women. But we're I'm guiding them
through the twelve themes of trauma. We're looking at one
theme per month because the problem is a lot of times,
a lot of modalities.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
Just simply don't go deep enough.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
And that's why we can be doing a particular therapy
for a long time and just think it's not working,
or why am I still finding myselves in these situations.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
It's because you're not going deep enough generally.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
So the fact is not everyone can access one on
one work, so I wanted to make it accessible for
people to still access the works. It's almost a hybrid
between one on one and the self healing. So I
guide the group through live sessions three times a month,
(11:30):
and we often do bonus.
Speaker 3 (11:31):
Classes as well, and then they've got their.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Replays that they can do between times, so that by
the time we get to the end of the month,
that particular healing as well and truly healed.
Speaker 6 (11:43):
Wow, that's amazing. I love that.
Speaker 4 (11:47):
If someone was interested in your services, how would they
find you.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
A thank you?
Speaker 2 (11:52):
So a couple of places I'm most active on Instagram.
That's where I'm posting daily, so there is a lot
of of course free resources in there. I'm also acto
doing a free masterclass, and I do them frequently throughout
the year, helping to heal they in a child.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
So you can pop on those two.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
They will be advertised always through my page on Instagram,
and I'll put the details from my handle below this
in the notes. Yeah, and also through my website watches
dub dub dot, subdub dot, Jendashpeters dot com.
Speaker 5 (12:29):
Okay, perfect, great, and all of those details will be
in our show notes.
Speaker 7 (12:34):
This is just so fabulous.
Speaker 5 (12:36):
I know that for myself, I didn't realize how much
ADHD when you're a child contributes to your adult life
and how it can impact you as an adult, because
I felt like back when I was younger, people didn't
(12:56):
talk about that if you had ever heard of it
or were asked if you had when you were younger.
Speaker 7 (13:02):
But I had never heard of it. But I knew
that I was add ADHD.
Speaker 5 (13:07):
You know, I knew as a child, I recognized that
there was just something wrong, like I would get overly
excited when we would play games, and then you know,
maybe I would accidentally knock over the board if we
were playing a board game, and then you know everyone
else is like, okay, well we're done playing, and so
I would always try to self correct because I realized
something was happening. But it's just interesting now as an
(13:30):
adult looking back, because like you said, you know, you
always go back to your childhood, and maybe in my
case it wasn't necessarily trauma. I was adopted at birth,
it wasn't necessarily trauma for me. I guess I was
fortunate in the family that I was adopted by. But again,
like I said, I think there are different things that
now you know, in hindsight looking back, that are affecting
(13:53):
me as an adult as well as my children. And
I wish I would have been more aware of those
signs when they were younger.
Speaker 7 (14:03):
They're all grown now.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
So yeah, actually, do you mind if I respond to that?
Do you want me to?
Speaker 5 (14:09):
Sure?
Speaker 7 (14:10):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (14:11):
I was just going to say, Yeah. The ADHD, it's
an interesting one.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
I've put a slightly different view on it than a
more traditional approach. Not that I've you know, connected with
every person in the world who has ADHD, but I
have connected with a lot and without exception, no exception,
every single person has experienced probably quite a lot of
(14:35):
trauma actually, and I think the issue is that we
don't recognize trauma often, you know, we think of the
really big things, but when don't look at the other
things that actually cause trauma as well, And there are
so many little things. Just for example, trauma rarely is
formed when we experience a separation, usually a separation.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
From mum or dad, and it can.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Be an emotional separation. It doesn't have to be a
physical abandonment. So mum or dad might be sack like that,
Mum might be postnatally depressed, you know, things like that
baby is going to feel that disconnection that she's not
going to connect, or you know, mum or dad might
be working every hour under the sun trying to provide
(15:24):
for their family, and so they're very harassed trying to
deal with that. Again, we can't connect. It's usually around
the connection. So I will say that. But the other
thing is.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
To with adoption, being adopted myself.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Even though we might have been adopted into a great
family and we very much wanted, the fact of the
matter is there is a massive abandonment between us and
our biological mother, and that absolutely causes a huge abandonment wound.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
I do a lot of healings.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
I take people back to their time in the womb,
we're not regressed as such. It's a conversation like that,
so you're very aware. But we go back to your
time in the womb, because there has only been four
times out of about four hundred and fifty times I
have done that particular process where people have not had
trauma that has been very core for them in adulthood.
(16:21):
So when we can dissolve it back there in the womb,
we actually dissolve.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
It here in the now as well.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
And so with adoption, we've been marinating inside somebody. I
don't know your circumstances, but I was too. My natural
mother was only fifteen for most of her pregnancy.
Speaker 7 (16:38):
So there was sixteen seventeen exactly.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
And it's totally understandable why you're being put up for adoption,
and of.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
Course, so I completely understand that.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
But the fact is is baby is marinating in energies
that tell her, in this case, her that she's unwanted,
that she's she can feel the rejection. Baby absorbs the
shame that mum is feeling, you know, because when we
were put up for adoption, it was definitely very shameful
for mum to be pregnant.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
In those days yeah, absorbs it.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
And this actually since an no nervous system in our
fascia and in our body, in our subconscious mind, and
we car that that's our foundation.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
So it definitely does have a big impact.
Speaker 7 (17:22):
Yeah, wow wow, Yeah, that.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Is fascinating work. Honestly, it is.
Speaker 7 (17:28):
It is.
Speaker 6 (17:28):
It's very fascinating, and it's.
Speaker 4 (17:30):
You know, I think a lot of people don't, you know,
Like Tracy was saying, like I had a great family.
Speaker 6 (17:35):
I was, you know, it was fine.
Speaker 4 (17:36):
But like you said, it goes back to being in
the womb and feeling what your mom was feeling while
she was carrying you and the whole I mean who
it was.
Speaker 8 (17:47):
Probably so traumatic and terrible for her to go through
separation of losing you too, and you feel that the
kids feel it quite away, they feel their mom's.
Speaker 4 (17:58):
Energy right away, and you've last that connection immediately.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Absolutely, it is huge and depending what the circumstances were
as well, a lot of cases, these mums probably would
have been trying to disconnect actively, disconnect emotionally without.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
Even realizing that soul exactly exactly.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
So it's a beautiful thing to be able to go
back and connect with that beautiful young version of yourself
and see them and give them exactly. My skins are
tingling as I say this what they needed at that
time and what I like to do as well, which
sounds a little far fetched, but it's a beautiful work
to earnest so I have done hundreds of times now.
(18:44):
It's very powerful. But we will literally actually birth her
or you and actually be there to receive ourselves and
actually give this baby version of us exactly what they
needed at that time, because they we definitely did not
get that.
Speaker 7 (19:05):
Wyoh yeah, and I actually had.
Speaker 5 (19:08):
And it's been years now, probably fifteen years ago, maybe
maybe longer. I met my biological mother, so yeah, and
then and she tells the story, but but yeah, pretty
much at birth there was no contact at all. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
Yeah, and not only that, I'm sure it would have
been the same there here. The girls were treated horribly.
They were really treated horribly. And I know my natural
mother now as well, and she actually was able to
get a fight.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
I don't know. She must have brought a camera, I
don't know, because she was.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Definitely very rejecting of me. She was not wanting to
she was very hardened. And I can again, I can
understand why that's not not I'm not i'mknocking.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
Her for that at all.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
But she did manage to get a couple of photos.
But one nurse was good and held me up, but
I was screaming my head off and she said what
had actually happened?
Speaker 3 (20:00):
And was another nurse come in and like.
Speaker 6 (20:03):
What are you doing?
Speaker 3 (20:04):
You know you have no right to touch that babe.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
That baby is not yours, And just really horrific the
way that these people behave. There's actually been an inquiry
here in New Zealand actually about how the girls were treated.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
I'm sure that in a lot of places in the
US it would have.
Speaker 7 (20:21):
Been no different, right and especially back then.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
I was just gonna say very briefly because it's probably
people listening that can relate to this. They might not
have been adopted, but even a baby who has actually
had to spend time in hospital been separated from mum,
it's the separation that's the clincher there. So a baby
who has had to spend time and an incubator or
just away from mum for any strength of time, there
(20:46):
will be a separation and an abandonment there and often
you'll see the dissociation which sits you'll find people who
are ADHD have the dissociation.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
They dissociate, that's why they're like this. So often it
will come back to that particular time.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
So when we heal you in that moment, you find
that you're able to return to your body and there's
a lot more calmness, there's not so much of the
ADHD happening.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Very broadly speaking.
Speaker 7 (21:14):
That's awesome. And I would think too that with divorce being.
Speaker 5 (21:18):
So high, that that would also have some effect on that,
you know, missing parent as well.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Oh yes, And there's also the thing is that as
we know, I don't know what your ladies or what
your experience has been, but diforce, we don't go along
in a really happy family and then the next day divorced.
There's a whole lot of stuff that goes on before
that point as well.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
It doesn't feel safe.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
So as soon as we don't feel safe, we tend
to dissociate. We either freeze and that's where we'll often
get depression and shut down, or we will Our energy
it actually literally flits around like this and that's where
we've got our ADHD.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Energy is day.
Speaker 9 (22:03):
So yeah, I was going to say speaking to that,
I was born into a very violent home way.
Speaker 4 (22:12):
And from the beginning, it was happening before I was
my mom's first child.
Speaker 6 (22:17):
It was happening before I was born.
Speaker 4 (22:19):
I was the oldest of four kids, and it was
not a safe environment.
Speaker 6 (22:24):
It wasn't and there there was actually a very.
Speaker 4 (22:29):
Big fear for our lives, honestly, and we all and
like now we joke about it because we've come out
of it.
Speaker 6 (22:37):
And my dad passed.
Speaker 4 (22:40):
Away when I was fifteen, and that was kind of
like the beginning of this, like Okay, we're safe now,
and you know, now we joke about it, like, oh,
we're lucky to be alive, but it's true.
Speaker 6 (22:51):
It's true. And I was born into that environment.
Speaker 9 (22:54):
So from the very beginning of my life, I was
in this position of trying to keep myself safe, keep
my siblings safe, keep my mom safe.
Speaker 4 (23:08):
It was just this natural feeling that I had where
I needed to protect everyone and I needed to try
and keep the home peaceful and I needed it was
like my job, you know, and it was It's affected
my adult life tremendously and my relationships with partners and
you know, a lot of things. Luckily, I you know,
(23:31):
I was a single mom I raised all three of
my kids, and I feel like I did a pretty
good job. I think, you know, my goal was to
raise them in a home where they felt safe, and
that to me was something that was more important than
most things.
Speaker 6 (23:43):
And I think I did a good job with that.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
But again, like it.
Speaker 4 (23:47):
You know, like you said, a lot of people don't
realize that they're born into some kind of trauma. It
doesn't necessarily struck when you're five or six or seven.
Speaker 6 (23:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Yeah, thank you for sharing it. That's such a lot.
And my question to you would be who hold you? No?
Speaker 3 (24:09):
Yeah, somebody else?
Speaker 5 (24:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (24:12):
Fortunately, I have been through a lot of therapy.
Speaker 4 (24:17):
And I've learned a lot about myself, and you know
that trauma. I have an amazing partner. She's the best
I could ever ask for. And I have an amazing
relationship with my mom.
Speaker 6 (24:30):
Wouldn't have it until I was.
Speaker 4 (24:32):
In my twenties, yeah, but we have it now, and
I'm so grateful for that. I'm very close to my siblings.
That the torture and torment and abuse and everything goes
back generations and generations, So I have cousindans who have
experienced it. I have, you know, and and we talk
about it. That's what's really cool is that we are
(24:54):
all comfortable.
Speaker 6 (24:55):
Talking about it.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
Yeah, which took a long time.
Speaker 6 (24:59):
It took a long time for us to get there
because it was very secretive. You just didn't talk about it.
Speaker 3 (25:03):
You know.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
Wow, that's quite a journey. That's quite a journey, and
I love it. You've just been so focused on, you know,
providing a beautiful, safe environment for your children, because that's
that's how we are. One of the ways that we
prevent this from continuing on.
Speaker 6 (25:22):
Yeah, the cycle.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
Yeah, yes, absolutely, solo parenting three children, the middle on
its own.
Speaker 6 (25:31):
That's a lot.
Speaker 7 (25:32):
We both did. Yeah, we both did.
Speaker 6 (25:35):
Wow.
Speaker 5 (25:36):
That what signs, Jen, would you say to look for
if you're operating from wounded inner child energy?
Speaker 7 (25:47):
Are there specific.
Speaker 5 (25:48):
Signs because you know, perhaps people like I never really
I thought that being adopted was would fall into this
category for myself, but it did. But like I said,
I knew about the add or ADHD. I knew that
and was never on medication, was never even diagnosed with it.
(26:12):
Like I said, we didn't talk about.
Speaker 7 (26:13):
That stuff sixty years ago.
Speaker 5 (26:15):
So but are there signs that our listeners can identify
with and to know if they're breeding from a wounded
inner totally.
Speaker 3 (26:25):
Yeah, Okay, great question.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
It's such a big question honestly because it can just
show up in every way imaginable. So the big things
I would probably be looking for is dysfunctional type cycles.
And what I mean by that one, Yeah, dysfunctional cycles
things that are not going well in your life, like,
for example, you might always have relationship issues, or it
(26:50):
might be that you just don't trust people or you
don't trust yourself, or it could show up as scarcity
like as in just never having enough or never feeling
I mean, the big ones will probably be and then
there's a plethora of others outsiders. But the most common
would be related to abandonment because it's just about everybody
(27:11):
has some form of abandonment. So attachment trauma that is
a trauma response to an abandonment wound. So that tells
us with an abandonment wound near. If we're constantly finding
ourselves attracting partners who who are emotionally unavailable, that tells
(27:32):
us we've got into the attachment to heal and vice versa.
If we are finding ourselves feeling like sitting for less,
you know, we might be sitting for less in relationships
or friendships, just knowing that we deserve better, but not
being able to actually access that.
Speaker 3 (27:54):
Even in the workplace, unworthiness comes up.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
We will often find ourselves thinking one way, being paid this,
and I'm doing this, this and this, and yet this
person over here is getting paid more than me, although
in a managerial role and I would be doing better
so but we're not able to step forward and put ourselves.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
Forward for that role, you know, that part that holds
us back.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
The other areas that would show up would be like loneliness,
feeling a lone inside another one that comes up a
lot of things, like feeling not good enough, and we
might not see it in that way, but we will
feel like, no matter how hard we try, it is
never enough. Nothing I'd ever do is good enough. And
(28:40):
we will compare with other people. We'll notice that, and
we will always see them as better than we are.
It doesn't matter what it is we're looking at, they'll
be better than us, will be falling short somehow. So
all of those kind of signs are all coming back
to those primary themes of trauma.
Speaker 5 (28:58):
Great and I think with social media these days, the
fact of the matter where you said comparing yourself to
other people. I think that social media has just catapulted
that to a different level, right, and especially young people's lives,
which is what's very scary.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
Yeah, it really is.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
I think the problem that I well, in my view,
we're seeing with young people. It's much more complex than this,
but one of the biggest issues is that it's the
disconnection that they've had because because economically we've all had
to work, well, most of us have had to work
and raise children and run a house and hold relationships together,
(29:37):
we do not have the bandwidth or the capacity to
be able to really connect with our children raile and
so what's starting to happen. I have a seventeen year
old and I'm continually horrify the sorts of things that
go on at school and talking to my clients in
the States. It's no different over there, but the disconnection
is incredible.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
So they can just cut each other off and then
the cuta child other off with it.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
They don't connect well, so I shouted to think what
that is going to look like when their parents.
Speaker 7 (30:08):
Yes, one hundred, one hundred percent.
Speaker 5 (30:10):
Well, thank you for your words of encouragements for those
struggling you know, with hidden pain or emotional exhaustion that
they weren't even thinking about connecting. You know, able to
connect those dots before. We really enjoyed having you on
our show. Jan Thank you so much, and.
Speaker 7 (30:28):
Again, thank you.
Speaker 5 (30:30):
Tell our listeners where they can find your book or
reach out to you.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
Beautiful, so well pop it in the show notes. Will
that be a little bit easier? Otherwise you might like
to hop onto my Instagram and that's where I'll be
posting daily and I'm just going to leave a link
there with you ladies for your listeners. So basically, you
can access my book Coming Home The Path in Healing
You and a Child as a gift from me to you.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
And you'll also be able.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
To see a lot of signs in there of the
different traumas.
Speaker 3 (31:02):
But most importantly, you'll actually.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Have the steps to begin healing those traumas for yourself
and also if you're a parent.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
You'll be able to do this for your children as well.
Speaker 6 (31:13):
Wow, thank you so much for that.
Speaker 7 (31:15):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
Pleasure, absolutely my pleasure.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Well that wraps it up for today. Thanks for joining
us on Let's Talk midlife Crisis. We hope you got
some laughs, a little inspiration, and maybe a few new ideas.
Speaker 5 (31:28):
If you've loved today's episode, hit that subscribe button so
you'll never miss an episode, and hey, share the love.
Send this episode to a friend who could use a
good laugh and some midlife wisdom.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Connect with us on social media at Let's Talk Midlife
Crisis and let us know what's on your mind. We
love hearing from you.
Welcome to Let's talk midlife Crisis. I'm Ashley and I'm Tracy.
We're your go to hosts for all things midlife, menopause,
and Moments of Pure Mayhem. And today we have with
us Jen, author of Coming Home The Path to Healing
Your Inner Child, and she's coming to us from New
(00:23):
Zealand today.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Welcome Jen, Thank you, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
I am so excited to be here and talking about
a topic that is very close to my heart, both
the midlife crisis, going through those stages, and also of
course the inner child.
Speaker 4 (00:42):
Yes, yeah, I love that we're going to touch on
this because I from personal experience, I've discovered how a
lot of my childhood is affecting my midlife. Oh it's
I'm really excited that we're going to talk about this.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
I'm so glad that you raised that because that is
exactly what happens. Whatever we have experienced in childhood, it
really does lay the foundation for the rest.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Of our life.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
But the beautiful thing there is, of course, if things
aren't going so well in our adult life, we.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
Know what we need to do.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
We need to go back to get a child and
tend to them in the way that they need and
then things start to fall into alignments more in our
adult life.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
So I'm glad that you raised.
Speaker 5 (01:29):
That right now, do you want to share with us
a little bit about your personal healing journey from trauma
to transformation?
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Sure? Absolutely, thank you so.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Like a lot of you, probably, I have been through
a lot in my early years in childhood and went
through some pretty significant traumas actually in my teenage years
as well, and found myself in a narcissistic marriage by
the time I was in my well we were together
(02:04):
for a few years first, but by the time in
my mid twenties, I was in a.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Relationship and then married to somebody who was.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Very narcissistic, and of course, at fifty one now, all
those years ago, it just wasn't even a thing, so
I didn't.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
Even know that it existed.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
And I was also severely codependent, which again I didn't
know that that was just a thing. I just assumed
everybody felt like this, and so that we were married
for about together for fourteen years, but through that time,
just a lot of stuff from childhood really really caught
up with me. Within the relationship, I was very there
(02:45):
was a lot of betrayal. There's a lot of infidelity
because I was very codependent. It really honestly didn't matter
what went on, I would find some way of minimizing
it or it in some way or another, no matter
how bad it actually gone, and.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
It did get pretty bad, to be honest.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
I write about this and more detail inside made book
Coming Home.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
But by the time we got about.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Fourteen years and the marriage ended, and it was through infidelity,
and that was where my.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Healing actually started.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
It was the catalyst for what actually ended up an
incredible healing journey that's brought me to where I am today.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
And so basically the marriage.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
Dissolved, we had a very small he was about two
sons at the time, and honestly, I just felt like
I was broken into truly a million pieces. I really
did know what did not know what web was up,
what way was down. I didn't realize at the time,
but looking back, I was completely dissociated. That's why it
(03:52):
felt like that. I thankfully ended up actually taking the
advice to a friend who had been urging me to
see a healer for months, and I was like, what
on earth is even a helo.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
And even know what one was?
Speaker 2 (04:06):
And I remember, in true codependent fashion, thinking to myself, right,
if I could just get my ex husband to go
and see this healer and he'll be fixed, and then
we'll all be happy again. And I did call her,
and that was my intention, and she very wisely suggested
that I come and see her first, so I did,
(04:28):
and honestly, I remember that session vividly.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
That was the turning point for me. And from that,
literally that.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Session onwards, I have been developed to my healing path
ever since.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
And so that's where my healing actually began.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
And you know, part way through my healing journey, I
just I felt so dramatically different.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
I just thought that the people need to know that
this exists, that you can.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Feel like this, and that was really the impetus for
me to begin helping other people.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
And that's how it all began.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
And now it's yeah, quite a long, quite a big
journey between there and here, but now I.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Help thousands of people around the world, and.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
A child healing because it seems to be the area that,
as I said before, if there's something going on in
adulthood in the causal just about not always, but just
about always be some trauma in childhood, So that's how
we got to where were at.
Speaker 4 (05:31):
Yeah, and I think it's very like people don't realize that,
like you said, they don't realize that stuff that you
experienced growing up, even you managed to get through it
and you were functioning in life, at some point, it
does catch up to you. And it affects a lot
of aspects of your life, your relationship with your partner,
(05:54):
the way you handle trauma when you have trauma later
in life, the way you manage it. It works when
you're a child, the way you manage it, not always
as an adult, you know. Yeah, And I think it's
great that you, after going through that journey, decided to
help everybody out there that has these issues because they,
you know, they don't realize that it.
Speaker 6 (06:13):
Really can catch up to you.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Yeah, that's exactly it. It just it really honestly, it
affects everything. I see it as basically, the beliefs that
we form when we're around about seven and younger form
the foundations of the house. And quite often the fact is,
I don't think any of us get out of childhood
(06:38):
without some stuff.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
We might want to think that we are underscared, but.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
There will be some stuff there and this is not
to blame or shame parents, they were parenting through their
wounds as well, but it affects absolutely everything.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
So it is such an important area for us to
look at.
Speaker 4 (06:59):
Yeah, I agree, So what is your book just about
your journey or does it dive into other aspects.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
So my book, it's the first part of coming Home,
is really just going over my childhood and all the
way through until where I got to today. And the
reason for that is I've got quite a large following,
particularly on Instagram, and I wanted people to realize that
it doesn't matter where you are on your journey and
(07:28):
what you've actually been through. Because I have been through
some very significant traumas I won't go into detail, but
just things like adoption, at birth, there was small station,
gang rapes, There's a lot that I've been through. So
I wanted people to know that even if they've been
through some really big stuff, it is absolutely possible for
(07:50):
you to heal. And I also wanted people to recognize
that and the amount of people I have had come
back to me and say, you know that they their
story is so so much to my own. I think
for a lot of people it helps them to feel
seen and heard and understood. So yeah, So the first
part of Coming Home is going through my childhood up
(08:13):
until now, just touching on the main sort of events.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
And I want people to see also that some things
that we might have thought.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Was relatively normal or just something that happens when we're six.
I wanted them to be able to see the relationship
between what happened then and what happens when you're twenty six,
how that actually plays out, because it will have a
very direct impact.
Speaker 3 (08:37):
So yeah, so the first part of the book is looking.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
At that my story, and then we go into the
actual a lot of information about different aspects of healing,
things like ADHD dissociation, what trauma actually is, how it
comes about, and then most of the book is dedicated
to the twelve primary themes of trauma. So in the
(09:01):
around about twelve thousand hours in a child work that
I have done with clients now, the same themes keep
coming up again and again and again, and there might
be vari eight well, there are variations to them, but
there's twelve core themes, and so Coming Home I've addressed
each of those twelve core themes, and we look at
(09:23):
what the themes are of course low self worth for example,
what that actually is.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
We go into how it's actually formed.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
And what the signs are as a child, because I
want parents to be able to read this book and go,
oh my gosh, I can see what's happening here, so
I can.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Correct it now.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
So how these signs show up as a child, how
they show up an adulthood. And then there's a process
that you can step through to actually begin actually healing
that particular trauma.
Speaker 3 (09:55):
So we do that for each of the twelve traumas.
So there's a lot in it.
Speaker 7 (10:00):
Yes, wow, that's amazing. That's unpacking quite a lot.
Speaker 5 (10:04):
But I love it because it's you know why self
healing is both possible and it's powerful.
Speaker 3 (10:12):
Thank you.
Speaker 6 (10:12):
And you do you have clients? You actually do some
work with people individually?
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Yes, that's right, I've got I do see people one
on one. I've done over the last twelve years or
something along those lines. I've done primarily one on one work.
But I also do I've got a mentorship now where
I'm guiding a group.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
It's mostly women.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
Well it is just women at the moment, but it's
not exclusively just for women. But we're I'm guiding them
through the twelve themes of trauma. We're looking at one
theme per month because the problem is a lot of times,
a lot of modalities.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
Just simply don't go deep enough.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
And that's why we can be doing a particular therapy
for a long time and just think it's not working,
or why am I still finding myselves in these situations.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
It's because you're not going deep enough generally.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
So the fact is not everyone can access one on
one work, so I wanted to make it accessible for
people to still access the works. It's almost a hybrid
between one on one and the self healing. So I
guide the group through live sessions three times a month,
(11:30):
and we often do bonus.
Speaker 3 (11:31):
Classes as well, and then they've got their.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Replays that they can do between times, so that by
the time we get to the end of the month,
that particular healing as well and truly healed.
Speaker 6 (11:43):
Wow, that's amazing. I love that.
Speaker 4 (11:47):
If someone was interested in your services, how would they
find you.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
A thank you?
Speaker 2 (11:52):
So a couple of places I'm most active on Instagram.
That's where I'm posting daily, so there is a lot
of of course free resources in there. I'm also acto
doing a free masterclass, and I do them frequently throughout
the year, helping to heal they in a child.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
So you can pop on those two.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
They will be advertised always through my page on Instagram,
and I'll put the details from my handle below this
in the notes. Yeah, and also through my website watches
dub dub dot, subdub dot, Jendashpeters dot com.
Speaker 5 (12:29):
Okay, perfect, great, and all of those details will be
in our show notes.
Speaker 7 (12:34):
This is just so fabulous.
Speaker 5 (12:36):
I know that for myself, I didn't realize how much
ADHD when you're a child contributes to your adult life
and how it can impact you as an adult, because
I felt like back when I was younger, people didn't
(12:56):
talk about that if you had ever heard of it
or were asked if you had when you were younger.
Speaker 7 (13:02):
But I had never heard of it. But I knew
that I was add ADHD.
Speaker 5 (13:07):
You know, I knew as a child, I recognized that
there was just something wrong, like I would get overly
excited when we would play games, and then you know,
maybe I would accidentally knock over the board if we
were playing a board game, and then you know everyone
else is like, okay, well we're done playing, and so
I would always try to self correct because I realized
something was happening. But it's just interesting now as an
(13:30):
adult looking back, because like you said, you know, you
always go back to your childhood, and maybe in my
case it wasn't necessarily trauma. I was adopted at birth,
it wasn't necessarily trauma for me. I guess I was
fortunate in the family that I was adopted by. But again,
like I said, I think there are different things that
now you know, in hindsight looking back, that are affecting
(13:53):
me as an adult as well as my children. And
I wish I would have been more aware of those
signs when they were younger.
Speaker 7 (14:03):
They're all grown now.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
So yeah, actually, do you mind if I respond to that?
Do you want me to?
Speaker 5 (14:09):
Sure?
Speaker 7 (14:10):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (14:11):
I was just going to say, Yeah. The ADHD, it's
an interesting one.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
I've put a slightly different view on it than a
more traditional approach. Not that I've you know, connected with
every person in the world who has ADHD, but I
have connected with a lot and without exception, no exception,
every single person has experienced probably quite a lot of
(14:35):
trauma actually, and I think the issue is that we
don't recognize trauma often, you know, we think of the
really big things, but when don't look at the other
things that actually cause trauma as well, And there are
so many little things. Just for example, trauma rarely is
formed when we experience a separation, usually a separation.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
From mum or dad, and it can.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Be an emotional separation. It doesn't have to be a
physical abandonment. So mum or dad might be sack like that,
Mum might be postnatally depressed, you know, things like that
baby is going to feel that disconnection that she's not
going to connect, or you know, mum or dad might
be working every hour under the sun trying to provide
(15:24):
for their family, and so they're very harassed trying to
deal with that. Again, we can't connect. It's usually around
the connection. So I will say that. But the other
thing is.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
To with adoption, being adopted myself.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Even though we might have been adopted into a great
family and we very much wanted, the fact of the
matter is there is a massive abandonment between us and
our biological mother, and that absolutely causes a huge abandonment wound.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
I do a lot of healings.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
I take people back to their time in the womb,
we're not regressed as such. It's a conversation like that,
so you're very aware. But we go back to your
time in the womb, because there has only been four
times out of about four hundred and fifty times I
have done that particular process where people have not had
trauma that has been very core for them in adulthood.
(16:21):
So when we can dissolve it back there in the womb,
we actually dissolve.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
It here in the now as well.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
And so with adoption, we've been marinating inside somebody. I
don't know your circumstances, but I was too. My natural
mother was only fifteen for most of her pregnancy.
Speaker 7 (16:38):
So there was sixteen seventeen exactly.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
And it's totally understandable why you're being put up for adoption,
and of.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
Course, so I completely understand that.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
But the fact is is baby is marinating in energies
that tell her, in this case, her that she's unwanted,
that she's she can feel the rejection. Baby absorbs the
shame that mum is feeling, you know, because when we
were put up for adoption, it was definitely very shameful
for mum to be pregnant.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
In those days yeah, absorbs it.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
And this actually since an no nervous system in our
fascia and in our body, in our subconscious mind, and
we car that that's our foundation.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
So it definitely does have a big impact.
Speaker 7 (17:22):
Yeah, wow wow, Yeah, that.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Is fascinating work. Honestly, it is.
Speaker 7 (17:28):
It is.
Speaker 6 (17:28):
It's very fascinating, and it's.
Speaker 4 (17:30):
You know, I think a lot of people don't, you know,
Like Tracy was saying, like I had a great family.
Speaker 6 (17:35):
I was, you know, it was fine.
Speaker 4 (17:36):
But like you said, it goes back to being in
the womb and feeling what your mom was feeling while
she was carrying you and the whole I mean who
it was.
Speaker 8 (17:47):
Probably so traumatic and terrible for her to go through
separation of losing you too, and you feel that the
kids feel it quite away, they feel their mom's.
Speaker 4 (17:58):
Energy right away, and you've last that connection immediately.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Absolutely, it is huge and depending what the circumstances were
as well, a lot of cases, these mums probably would
have been trying to disconnect actively, disconnect emotionally without.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
Even realizing that soul exactly exactly.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
So it's a beautiful thing to be able to go
back and connect with that beautiful young version of yourself
and see them and give them exactly. My skins are
tingling as I say this what they needed at that
time and what I like to do as well, which
sounds a little far fetched, but it's a beautiful work
to earnest so I have done hundreds of times now.
(18:44):
It's very powerful. But we will literally actually birth her
or you and actually be there to receive ourselves and
actually give this baby version of us exactly what they
needed at that time, because they we definitely did not
get that.
Speaker 7 (19:05):
Wyoh yeah, and I actually had.
Speaker 5 (19:08):
And it's been years now, probably fifteen years ago, maybe
maybe longer. I met my biological mother, so yeah, and
then and she tells the story, but but yeah, pretty
much at birth there was no contact at all. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
Yeah, and not only that, I'm sure it would have
been the same there here. The girls were treated horribly.
They were really treated horribly. And I know my natural
mother now as well, and she actually was able to
get a fight.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
I don't know. She must have brought a camera, I
don't know, because she was.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Definitely very rejecting of me. She was not wanting to
she was very hardened. And I can again, I can
understand why that's not not I'm not i'mknocking.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
Her for that at all.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
But she did manage to get a couple of photos.
But one nurse was good and held me up, but
I was screaming my head off and she said what
had actually happened?
Speaker 3 (20:00):
And was another nurse come in and like.
Speaker 6 (20:03):
What are you doing?
Speaker 3 (20:04):
You know you have no right to touch that babe.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
That baby is not yours, And just really horrific the
way that these people behave. There's actually been an inquiry
here in New Zealand actually about how the girls were treated.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
I'm sure that in a lot of places in the
US it would have.
Speaker 7 (20:21):
Been no different, right and especially back then.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
I was just gonna say very briefly because it's probably
people listening that can relate to this. They might not
have been adopted, but even a baby who has actually
had to spend time in hospital been separated from mum,
it's the separation that's the clincher there. So a baby
who has had to spend time and an incubator or
just away from mum for any strength of time, there
(20:46):
will be a separation and an abandonment there and often
you'll see the dissociation which sits you'll find people who
are ADHD have the dissociation.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
They dissociate, that's why they're like this. So often it
will come back to that particular time.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
So when we heal you in that moment, you find
that you're able to return to your body and there's
a lot more calmness, there's not so much of the
ADHD happening.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Very broadly speaking.
Speaker 7 (21:14):
That's awesome. And I would think too that with divorce being.
Speaker 5 (21:18):
So high, that that would also have some effect on that,
you know, missing parent as well.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Oh yes, And there's also the thing is that as
we know, I don't know what your ladies or what
your experience has been, but diforce, we don't go along
in a really happy family and then the next day divorced.
There's a whole lot of stuff that goes on before
that point as well.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
It doesn't feel safe.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
So as soon as we don't feel safe, we tend
to dissociate. We either freeze and that's where we'll often
get depression and shut down, or we will Our energy
it actually literally flits around like this and that's where
we've got our ADHD.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Energy is day.
Speaker 9 (22:03):
So yeah, I was going to say speaking to that,
I was born into a very violent home way.
Speaker 4 (22:12):
And from the beginning, it was happening before I was
my mom's first child.
Speaker 6 (22:17):
It was happening before I was born.
Speaker 4 (22:19):
I was the oldest of four kids, and it was
not a safe environment.
Speaker 6 (22:24):
It wasn't and there there was actually a very.
Speaker 4 (22:29):
Big fear for our lives, honestly, and we all and
like now we joke about it because we've come out
of it.
Speaker 6 (22:37):
And my dad passed.
Speaker 4 (22:40):
Away when I was fifteen, and that was kind of
like the beginning of this, like Okay, we're safe now,
and you know, now we joke about it, like, oh,
we're lucky to be alive, but it's true.
Speaker 6 (22:51):
It's true. And I was born into that environment.
Speaker 9 (22:54):
So from the very beginning of my life, I was
in this position of trying to keep myself safe, keep
my siblings safe, keep my mom safe.
Speaker 4 (23:08):
It was just this natural feeling that I had where
I needed to protect everyone and I needed to try
and keep the home peaceful and I needed it was
like my job, you know, and it was It's affected
my adult life tremendously and my relationships with partners and
you know, a lot of things. Luckily, I you know,
(23:31):
I was a single mom I raised all three of
my kids, and I feel like I did a pretty
good job. I think, you know, my goal was to
raise them in a home where they felt safe, and
that to me was something that was more important than
most things.
Speaker 6 (23:43):
And I think I did a good job with that.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
But again, like it.
Speaker 4 (23:47):
You know, like you said, a lot of people don't
realize that they're born into some kind of trauma. It
doesn't necessarily struck when you're five or six or seven.
Speaker 6 (23:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Yeah, thank you for sharing it. That's such a lot.
And my question to you would be who hold you? No?
Speaker 3 (24:09):
Yeah, somebody else?
Speaker 5 (24:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (24:12):
Fortunately, I have been through a lot of therapy.
Speaker 4 (24:17):
And I've learned a lot about myself, and you know
that trauma. I have an amazing partner. She's the best
I could ever ask for. And I have an amazing
relationship with my mom.
Speaker 6 (24:30):
Wouldn't have it until I was.
Speaker 4 (24:32):
In my twenties, yeah, but we have it now, and
I'm so grateful for that. I'm very close to my siblings.
That the torture and torment and abuse and everything goes
back generations and generations, So I have cousindans who have
experienced it. I have, you know, and and we talk
about it. That's what's really cool is that we are
(24:54):
all comfortable.
Speaker 6 (24:55):
Talking about it.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
Yeah, which took a long time.
Speaker 6 (24:59):
It took a long time for us to get there
because it was very secretive. You just didn't talk about it.
Speaker 3 (25:03):
You know.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
Wow, that's quite a journey. That's quite a journey, and
I love it. You've just been so focused on, you know,
providing a beautiful, safe environment for your children, because that's
that's how we are. One of the ways that we
prevent this from continuing on.
Speaker 6 (25:22):
Yeah, the cycle.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
Yeah, yes, absolutely, solo parenting three children, the middle on
its own.
Speaker 6 (25:31):
That's a lot.
Speaker 7 (25:32):
We both did. Yeah, we both did.
Speaker 6 (25:35):
Wow.
Speaker 5 (25:36):
That what signs, Jen, would you say to look for
if you're operating from wounded inner child energy?
Speaker 7 (25:47):
Are there specific.
Speaker 5 (25:48):
Signs because you know, perhaps people like I never really
I thought that being adopted was would fall into this
category for myself, but it did. But like I said,
I knew about the add or ADHD. I knew that
and was never on medication, was never even diagnosed with it.
(26:12):
Like I said, we didn't talk about.
Speaker 7 (26:13):
That stuff sixty years ago.
Speaker 5 (26:15):
So but are there signs that our listeners can identify
with and to know if they're breeding from a wounded
inner totally.
Speaker 3 (26:25):
Yeah, Okay, great question.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
It's such a big question honestly because it can just
show up in every way imaginable. So the big things
I would probably be looking for is dysfunctional type cycles.
And what I mean by that one, Yeah, dysfunctional cycles
things that are not going well in your life, like,
for example, you might always have relationship issues, or it
(26:50):
might be that you just don't trust people or you
don't trust yourself, or it could show up as scarcity
like as in just never having enough or never feeling
I mean, the big ones will probably be and then
there's a plethora of others outsiders. But the most common
would be related to abandonment because it's just about everybody
(27:11):
has some form of abandonment. So attachment trauma that is
a trauma response to an abandonment wound. So that tells
us with an abandonment wound near. If we're constantly finding
ourselves attracting partners who who are emotionally unavailable, that tells
(27:32):
us we've got into the attachment to heal and vice versa.
If we are finding ourselves feeling like sitting for less,
you know, we might be sitting for less in relationships
or friendships, just knowing that we deserve better, but not
being able to actually access that.
Speaker 3 (27:54):
Even in the workplace, unworthiness comes up.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
We will often find ourselves thinking one way, being paid this,
and I'm doing this, this and this, and yet this
person over here is getting paid more than me, although
in a managerial role and I would be doing better
so but we're not able to step forward and put ourselves.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
Forward for that role, you know, that part that holds
us back.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
The other areas that would show up would be like loneliness,
feeling a lone inside another one that comes up a
lot of things, like feeling not good enough, and we
might not see it in that way, but we will
feel like, no matter how hard we try, it is
never enough. Nothing I'd ever do is good enough. And
(28:40):
we will compare with other people. We'll notice that, and
we will always see them as better than we are.
It doesn't matter what it is we're looking at, they'll
be better than us, will be falling short somehow. So
all of those kind of signs are all coming back
to those primary themes of trauma.
Speaker 5 (28:58):
Great and I think with social media these days, the
fact of the matter where you said comparing yourself to
other people. I think that social media has just catapulted
that to a different level, right, and especially young people's lives,
which is what's very scary.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
Yeah, it really is.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
I think the problem that I well, in my view,
we're seeing with young people. It's much more complex than this,
but one of the biggest issues is that it's the
disconnection that they've had because because economically we've all had
to work, well, most of us have had to work
and raise children and run a house and hold relationships together,
(29:37):
we do not have the bandwidth or the capacity to
be able to really connect with our children raile and
so what's starting to happen. I have a seventeen year
old and I'm continually horrify the sorts of things that
go on at school and talking to my clients in
the States. It's no different over there, but the disconnection
is incredible.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
So they can just cut each other off and then
the cuta child other off with it.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
They don't connect well, so I shouted to think what
that is going to look like when their parents.
Speaker 7 (30:08):
Yes, one hundred, one hundred percent.
Speaker 5 (30:10):
Well, thank you for your words of encouragements for those
struggling you know, with hidden pain or emotional exhaustion that
they weren't even thinking about connecting. You know, able to
connect those dots before. We really enjoyed having you on
our show. Jan Thank you so much, and.
Speaker 7 (30:28):
Again, thank you.
Speaker 5 (30:30):
Tell our listeners where they can find your book or
reach out to you.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
Beautiful, so well pop it in the show notes. Will
that be a little bit easier? Otherwise you might like
to hop onto my Instagram and that's where I'll be
posting daily and I'm just going to leave a link
there with you ladies for your listeners. So basically, you
can access my book Coming Home The Path in Healing
You and a Child as a gift from me to you.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
And you'll also be able.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
To see a lot of signs in there of the
different traumas.
Speaker 3 (31:02):
But most importantly, you'll actually.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Have the steps to begin healing those traumas for yourself
and also if you're a parent.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
You'll be able to do this for your children as well.
Speaker 6 (31:13):
Wow, thank you so much for that.
Speaker 7 (31:15):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
Pleasure, absolutely my pleasure.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Well that wraps it up for today. Thanks for joining
us on Let's Talk midlife Crisis. We hope you got
some laughs, a little inspiration, and maybe a few new ideas.
Speaker 5 (31:28):
If you've loved today's episode, hit that subscribe button so
you'll never miss an episode, and hey, share the love.
Send this episode to a friend who could use a
good laugh and some midlife wisdom.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Connect with us on social media at Let's Talk Midlife
Crisis and let us know what's on your mind. We
love hearing from you.
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