March 25, 2025 • 27 mins
The difference between feeling like things will never improve and feeling powerless to change your circumstances may seem subtle, but understanding this distinction could be the key to reclaiming your joy in midlife. Join hosts Ashley, Traci, and returning guest Deana as they unpack these complex emotional states with both vulnerability and humor.Through candid personal stories, the trio explores how career plateaus, health challenges, and relationship struggles can trigger feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that are surprisingly common during midlife transitions. Ashley shares her experience finding joy again through therapy and medication after reaching a point where nothing brought her happiness. Traci reveals her struggle to maintain positivity despite being naturally optimistic, and reflects on how early exposure to the Serenity Prayer shaped her approach to life's challenges.Beyond just naming the problem, this episode delivers practical, actionable strategies for rebuilding hope when everything feels overwhelming. From the concept of "micro goals" that make progress manageable to creating personalized "hope toolkits" filled with mood-boosting resources, you'll discover numerous approaches to break free from emotional ruts. The hosts also delve into the powerful mind-body connection, exploring how nutrition, exercise, and creative pursuits can significantly impact mental well-being.Whether you're personally navigating difficult emotions or supporting someone who is, this conversation offers compassionate guidance, permission to seek help, and the reassuring reminder that as long as you're alive, hope remains possible. Subscribe now and share with someone who might need to hear they're not alone in their midlife emotional challenges.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to let's talk midlife crisis. I'm Ashley and I'm Tracy.
We're your go to hosts for all things midlife, menopause,
and moments of pure mayhappen. And today we're going to
talk about overcoming hopelessness and helplessness. Oh, I'm so impressed, Tracy,
you did it well.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
I know it's a tongue twister, it is. And then
we've had a couple of mimosas to be have.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
It's we're a little more buzz than normal today, but honestly,
we are here. You know, we were having Yes, it
is because Tina's here and we're thrilled. We're thrilled that
you're here, and we're thrilled that we're buzzed.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Exactly exactly. Yes, that's what the show is made on.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Yes, well, drinks were in order because we've you know,
had some discussions, more discussions in our little friend group
that have just been a little challenging. So we're all
here for each other.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Yes we are, Yes, we are. And welcome back, Dina. Yes,
Oh happy to be here. So I really wanted to
dive into understanding hopelessness and helplessness. You know, there's a
difference between the two. Hopelessness is feeling like things will
never get better, while helplessness is feeling like you have
(01:18):
no control to change things. Okay, right, yeah, So and
how these common feelings are especially in midlife due to
career shifts, health changes, empty nest syndrome, relationships struggles are
impacting women and people today.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Yeah, and I think monotony can cause a lot of
that too. Yes, I've kind of felt that way. I
would say over the last few months, like like okay,
I need something I need you know, I need something
like it's just too monotonous, and something came to me,
which is cool, but.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
You share that with us? Are you going to make
a sweet No, it was.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Just a business opportunity, as you know. The company that
I own, I bought it from a gentleman that retired
and I have another colleague that's retiring soon and called
me last week and asked me to take over his business.
Oh so yeah, I'm like, okay, cool, this is going
to you know, shake things up a little bit. But
I do. I would did find myself kind of feeling
(02:22):
like hopeless, like yeah, okay, just go through the motions
that type of you know what I mean, so sometimes
you just need things to switch up a little.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
You do, you do, and recognizing the signs is really
important too. Between the difference is of each one, right,
because maybe you don't know why you're feeling like blah
or in a rut or you know, however it is
your feeling, but the persistent feelings of sadness and or
being overwhelmed, a lack of motivation or interest in things
(02:53):
you once enjoyed, feeling stuck in negative thought patterns. That's
huge for me. We talked about loops before in your
brain and how you know you continually lose manifestation yes yes, right,
and increased anxiety or physical symptoms like fatigue or trouble sleeping,
(03:14):
all of those you know can be caused by one
or both of those feelings. Right, you're going through that
makes sense. The power of perspective shift is important, so
reframing negative thoughts, moving from I can't to what if
I try? Oh? I like that, right, trying to stay positive.
(03:38):
I try so hard to be positive and.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
That I think you're very positive.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
But then I find myself getting pulled down daily, right,
whether it's through professional things or you know, in life
with my children and or grandchildren or friends. Right. I
just try to be positive. Not always easy, right, and
I'm constantly trying to change the narrative in my mind. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
I definitely don't ever see negative from you. I mean,
you're definitely one of those now let's be realistic, okay,
you know, but not negative like you're always very positive.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
I try to be positive. It's an effort, and it's
a conscious thing. It has become more of a conscious thing,
I think as I am as I'm aging, it's more
consciousness versus how it was so natural when I was younger,
you know, just to let things go or just whatever. Anyways,
it's more of a conscious effort now.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Yeah, and it's definitely sets the tone for your day,
you know.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
And understanding that emotions are temporary and not permanent truths.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
That's one thing I tell my kids all the time
because they get so worked up over things and I'm like,
is this going to matter in two weeks?
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Is this going to matter in six months? Like?
Speaker 1 (04:54):
How do you need to be this worked up? Absolutely
so important.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
I have this daily reminder that comes up like around
three o'clock every day. Well it did you know, because
that was really important for me to have that reminder
at three o'clock work day. And it was something about
I can't quote a verbatim, but it was something about, uh,
whatever is upsetting you is not it's not a big deal.
(05:19):
Oh yeah, and so and it was just love, love people.
You know, I'm a work in progress, everybody else's, you know,
just these reminders that are.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
So helpful. Yeah, and you needed, right, Yeah, And practicing
self compassion and treating yourself with the same kindness that
you would show a friend. Yeah. I think that we're
really hard on ourselves.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
Oh yeah, I'm way harder on myself than I am
on anyone.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Yeah. Horrible. Yeah, So small, actionable steps towards change are possible, right,
and the important of starting small. Maybe a five minute walk,
a journal entry, or a phone call to a friend, yes, right,
Or is a way that you might be able to
(06:12):
overcome it. Setting micro goals to rebuild confidence and momentum,
micro goals, microal I've never heard before. I like something, right,
I do like that. Yeah that's a good one. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
It's not as intimidating as saying.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
Like me in five minutes. Start small, Start small, and
focusing on what you can control instead of what you can't.
And I have lived by that. So my oldest my
ex husband, I was only married once. But my oldest
daughter's dad was an alcoholic. Came from a long line
(06:56):
of alcoholics. His dad has you know, ground like it
was all the way down the line. So at a
very young age, I went to AA in Na and
they have their twelve steps, right, and one of those
steps was the ability to accept the things that you
cannot change, write, the courage to change the things you can,
(07:18):
and the knowledge to know the difference. Yeah, that's the
right And so I learned that from a very young
age and it has just resonated. It's stuck with me,
you know, throughout all the life. That's called the Cereenity Prayers,
and it is. Yeah, that's that's a really good one.
I mean, like so many people know that one. And
(07:38):
you don't have to be an alcoholic addicted to anything.
I think it's just great advice to live bar.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Oh absolutely absolutely. Yeah. I this is kind of a
funny example, but so my daughter got a new phone
and it came in the mail and she insisted on
setting it up right away, and her old phone was
still working. Okay, but she I can't remember why she
needed a new one anyway, she wasn't getting a case
(08:08):
until the next day, was coming in the mail, and
so I'm like, why do you have to set it
up now? Why can't you just wait until you have
protection for it. She's like, it'll be fine, it'll be fine.
Sure is shit. She comes home the next day, comes
to my house. The next day, it says I cracked
my phone. I dropped my phone and I cracked it
and I just lost it. And my mom was here
(08:30):
and she came in the room. She said, what's wrong,
what's going on? And I said, she already broke her
effing phone. And my mom just looked at me. And
I walked out of the room. And I think I
was getting ready in the bathroom or something. I was
doing something, brushing my hair, I don't know. My mom
walks it, she goes, are you okay? And I said,
I'm fine. I don't know why I let things like
(08:51):
that get to me, Like it's not my problem. Why
am I getting so worked up or something that's not
my problem?
Speaker 3 (08:57):
You know.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Yeah, So it's kind of a funny example, but yeah,
it's something I'm still working on. Clearly, that's a funny example.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
I you know, I hesitate to even say it, but
watching the news, I mean talk about a.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Feeling of helplessness.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Yeah, not hopeless because hopelessness, to me is probably the
most devastating feeling.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
That I was going to say dark Like, that's what
brings to my mind, is darkness, That's what brings you
to a point of suicide.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Yeah, helplessness maybe not so much, but well.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
Maybe it's a step in that direction though. Maybe you
start with helplessness and then it evolves into hopelessness.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Yes, it's definitely and oppression.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
But to me, that's the worst that is.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
And it breaks my heart because whenever I do hear
of someone committing suicide, that's.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
The first thing. Oh my god, they were so hopeless.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
They felt like there was.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Literally there was no other option.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Yeah, and it breaks my heart, it.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Says, it's terrible.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Yeah. Yeah. So it brings us to the role of
connection and support, which is of course why we're here today.
But how isolation can worsen hopelessness and why reaching out
is crucial? Really? Right? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Absolutely, I think.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
It's depressed and like in the late two thousand, two
thousand and nine ish I was really depressed and not suicidal,
but I could understand why somebody right side.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I mean, that's how close I was.
Speaker 3 (10:34):
But I was isolating myself. What that's that's what I
was doing.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Yeah, I wasn't.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
I was going to say. I think that's a natural
feeling to have, is just wanting to be alone, or
or even feeling like a burden to people because you're
not feeling the joy and or you know, I.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Just mentioned, you know, always being positive. So when I
feel really negative and don't have anything nice to say,
and it's funny because I was raised if you don't
have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, right,
And I talk that to my kids, So then I'm
thinking that to myself, right, preaching it to myself. And
then it's like, well, I guess I better not talk
to anybody because I don't have anything nice to say, right.
(11:15):
I don't know, but finding support through friends, mentors and
support groups or therapy. And we've talked about therapy a lot,
and we're firm believers of it, and thankfully it's mainstream
now used to be exactly, Yeah, so if you're feeling
this way, please reach out, right.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
Oh yes, it's actually probably school to have a therapist.
I realized if you don't have a therapist, you're like
not in with the crowd exactly exactly. No, I just
think it's really great. Like to your point, when you
are having days where you're feeling very negative and you
don't really have anything great to say, my poor therapist,
(11:59):
like days I do just go in there and complain
and just vent like I want to strangle my son
right now, or you know so, like and it's just
nice having that release. It's not always something like deep
and you know, you're working on my childhood or it's
not always like that. It's also a place that's safe
(12:20):
for me to go let all that steam out, you
know so.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
And I think they look out for you for the better,
even if you don't think so, right Like, if they
see something that's alarming, then they're going to notify authorities,
right absolutely.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
And one thing that's cool too, I definitely love that
she holds me accountable. Yes, so even in moments like that,
if I am saying something that's probably not fairer, I'm
not really paying attention to what the problem is, she
holds me accountable.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
That's an insider that thread party, you know, looking from
you know, not like it's are inner circle, right, it's
somebody from the outside looking in that can perhaps and
is also trained and skilled and educated exactly the tools
to identify situations and provide you with tools to overcome them. Right, yeah, absolutely, yeah,
(13:17):
So finding support through friends mentors power of helping others
as a way to feel empowered yourself. So I think
that's me a lot, because I try to always be
there for my friends, for my children, for my family,
and I feel that it does empower me.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
I mean I even do that like with my neighbors,
you know, if they're in need of something, I'm it
does it feels good to be helpful well.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
And it takes the focus off yourself. True.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
And you know, I'm sure you guys have heard this
said that if all of us were to throw our
piles of troubles down on the floor, we'd all rush
to get our own because we start seeing what other.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
People are going through.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
It's uh, you know, horrendous, and some people are going
through so.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
You don't know, you don't always know what somebody else
is going through, you know.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
But having an independent third party also keeps you from
just the echo chamber that you know, it's such a
common term. You know, Like you go to your friends
and obviously they're going to support you, at least most
of them are.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
They're not. If they're not supporting you, then maybe you
know it's time to take a step.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Back from me.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
Yes, yeah, back, But it is really important to have
that third party that could come in and really be
objected about what you're dealing with. And like you said,
give you the tools to to.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Basically, yeah, and mind body strategies for emotional resilience, exercise
and movement. Okay, I was natural mood boosters and we've
talked about that a lot. I don't get enough movement,
enough exercise, not enough steps, and I know how important
(15:12):
it is. Yeah, I feel what that's the most important thing. Yeah,
when it's happening, I know it, not only because I
have a step meter on my phone that will tell
me it, but I also know it. And then I start,
you know, spinning downwards downward about it. But I'm trying
to force myself too.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Yeah. I find when I'm having you know, episodes with
you know, my tendon itis or anything like that, and
I'm hurting, I don't really realize that I'm hurting. What
I notice first usually is that I'm in a bad mood. Yeah,
which is and then it's like, why am I in
a bad mood?
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (15:48):
You know, I'm really sure I need to stretch. I
have stretch today, and so, yeah, it really can affect
your mindset. When I went through my last divorce, I
spent hours and hours at the gym every day. I
mean I was there at least three hours a day,
I remember, but I wasn't seeing a therapist. It was
my therapy.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Yes, it was my therapy.
Speaker 4 (16:10):
Well, you, Ashley, are probably one of the first people
that I really remember saying how much better you feel
when you work out?
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Yeah, And I I've heard that so many were not
drinking like before, and Krackadawn she's at the gym.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
And we're like and I just I distinctly remember, and
it's come up several times since, and I still feel
this way. I want to know what that feels like,
because I don't know that feels like even when I've
tried in the past and get into you know, spas
and gym say, you know whatever, fitness things, and it
(16:53):
never does that for me.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
And I want to feel that.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Yeah, I mean, I definitely think it's everyone's different, you know.
And and to some people working out is it's work.
It's hard, yeah, and they don't get that high or
that adrenaline, you know, And I totally can understand that.
But there's other things like even just going for a walk.
I know that you when you were working in the office,
(17:18):
you would go on your walks. It's one of the
things I miss now, right.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
So somebody asks.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
Me, feel AUTI retired, but I don't like it.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
You just need to create new routines.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Yes, true, but so for you that was your joy
it was and it was movement. It was movement.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
So and the benefit of meditation, breath work and grounding exercises,
which we've talked about a lot on our shop, yes
a lot.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Yes, another thing that it really helps again if you're
in a bad mood or feeling anxious or helpless, you know,
I think meditation is huge. Yes, It's something that my
kids practice with their anxiety. If they're in the you
know the moment of having an anxiety attack, they just
(18:08):
step away, do a breathing technique and it just kind
of helps the whole body calm, which really I mean
when you have anxiety. It's a huge physical effect, you know,
so if you can just calm your body, then it
helps your mind too.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Yes, And nutrition's role in mental health, right, Reducing sugar,
increasing omega threes, et cetera. Is very helpful. And we've
talked a lot about that diet. Nutrition. We were just
talking about that prior to the show, how important it is.
So those types of things are things to keep top
(18:46):
of mind when you're feeling that way. Take a look
at it, and what can you change? And maybe it's
not a radical change, right, it's just something so small.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
I've in the last few years heard that a lot
that your diet can and drastically affect your mental health,
which is nothing I ever really would have thought of before.
You know, to me, it's just physical, right, But that's
not true. I mean, and if you think about it,
you know, yeah, it's nice to have, you know, cheat
(19:15):
and have the greasy hamburger and French fries and it
feels good eating it, but then afterward it's like, oh, yeah,
like my gut feels heavy, I'm tired, you know. So
I think if you know, if that's like a pattern,
that's something that you're doing frequently you can kind of
pin it down and go, Okay, maybe I should only
do that twice a week, you know, things like that,
(19:37):
just small changes.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
Oh yeah, absolutely, yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
And that's what we were talking about before the show,
is nutrition and it's relevance to literally every single process
in our bodies. And maybe it's the only resent that
they've been talking about the effect on mental health right
from the foods that we but I mean like we know,
(20:01):
like I didn't know, but the people that suffer from
ant from inflammatory issues like arthritis, I think is a
prime Really, yeah, I thank I mean, I'm way older
than you and I don't have any of those issues.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
I don't know why. Maybe because I haven't.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
Been working out, but it could be do not start
until I.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Was lifting heavy weights. O.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Well, interesting, but there's foods that connaggravate it, including like
fried foods.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
I think is like one of the big ones sugar
of course.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
But yeah, it is interesting to see how nutrition plays
a role in our mental health.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
And for me, it didn't even dawn on me until
my later years. Right when I was young, I had
eat anything, to eat anything, I could do anything. I
didn't have you know, these mental loops or you know,
any of the things that I feel that I have now. Right. So,
but what we'd like to talk about is building a
(21:06):
hope tool kit, so keeping keeping a gratitude journal, just
focus to positives. Okay, we talked about that a lot.
Manifestation we highly believe in that we practice it regularly ourselves,
and this is something that I also do. But sometimes
(21:27):
I think I just do it now because I've done
it for so long. But I've also talked to my
children about doing it. Is creating a playlist of uplifting songs,
which is what I call my happy music. Go to
your happy place, you know, I tell my son all
the time, I know you're getting stressed and stuff, you know,
affecting you, if it's you know, at home or the
(21:47):
kids or work, and just put your happy music on.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Music is very for me.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
It really is engaging in creative or fulfilling activities that
bring joy.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Yep, that's another one that I think is really helpful
for me too. I think I've mentioned before I went
through a period where I wasn't happy about anything, like
nothing brought me joy. Yeah, it was really I was
just kind of in this like really rough patch and
ended up getting on an antidepressant which helped immensely. Again, therapy, psychiatry,
(22:25):
it's all great. But yeah, and now I'm doing you know,
I'm doing things that I enjoy again, and whereas before
not only did I not want to do them, but
if I did do them, they didn't bring me joy
and it was just a serotonin dopamine imbalance. Yeah that's
all it was. But yeah, it's I mean, that's really
sad if you get to a point where things that
(22:47):
used to bring you joy don't anymore. So be very
in tune with your body and what you're experiencing and
get the help if you need it, yep.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
And having affirmations or mantras for tough moments, you know,
in effect, trying to be prepared, right, like happy music,
have your playlist.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Or even like Dina's reminder on her phone.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
You know, I love that you just start, you know,
feeling dragged and dragging and those types of things. So yeah,
and also it's important to know when to seek professional help. Yes,
and we've talked about it, you know, till we're blue
in the face. But recognizing when feelings become too heavy
to manage alone, right, right, that's a warning sign.
Speaker 3 (23:31):
Four friends can't help you, you're still feeling depressed or whatever.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Right, Right, the importance of therapy, coaching or medical support.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
Right.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
We talked about and one of our most recent guests,
Carla Joy, who is a life coach. She and Debbie
Weis as well. They just make me smile. Say about
them or seeing them, they just make me smile, And
I think, oh, like you know, when I was trying
(24:02):
to think of getting motivated, I thought, oh, I bet
Carla Joy could keep me. I need to call her then. Yeah,
whatever it takes for you and debunking the stigma around
mental mental health. Right, it's a strength, not weakness. It's
a strength not a weakness.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Yeah, absolutely, it's still Yeah, I'm with you, and I
still don't feel like it's there's enough awareness around it.
It's just you know, I've been very vocal about my
situation and you know, and my kids what they struggle with.
It's something that runs in my family unfortunately, and you
just really have to reach out to your resources and
(24:45):
take care of yourself because it can get really bad.
Speaker 5 (24:49):
Even if they if they don't exactly that's fine, but yeah,
but I do see it's getting better. Yeah, it is,
at least as far as the acceptance the stigma, you know,
go into counseling and things like that, so important.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
I still think kids need to be taught more though,
like I said, to be in tune with your body
and what you know you're dealing with, and not just kids,
adults too.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
But I think it's easier to identify it when you
get more mature. Yes, right, absolutely. And also I think
that people our age has gone through something in their
life right that has created a feeling of rightlessness or helplessness.
I mean that's almost impossible to you know, get around
(25:34):
at some point. So I think once you get our age,
you've either went through it.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
Or you're going through it, or you're going through it.
And that's what took me to therapy initially, was the
way I was handling a lot of the trauma in
my life at that time, you know, the loss of
my mother in law, the loss of you know, the
suicide of my cousin. There was just a lot of
(26:01):
heavy stuff going on. You know, my son was having issues,
and the way that I coped as a young adult,
that's what I was still doing and it wasn't working
for me.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
Anymore.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
But I didn't know any different, you know, and I
had a lot of trauma in my childhood. I was
I've actually been diagnosed with PTSD and that's what was
triggered when I was going through trauma again. But the
way I used to cope was no longer serving me,
and so that was what took me to therapy. So again,
if you ever feel like you're in a place like that,
(26:34):
if you know, just really pay attention to what you're feeling,
what you're thinking, and what you're doing, and that you're
not alone.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
You are not alone hopelessness, Yes, yes, because that's a
scary one. It is, that's the lie, very scary. Hope
is always possible, even when it doesn't feel like it, right,
just because you're alive. Yes, you have hope.
Speaker 3 (26:57):
Because you're alive, things can and will better in most cases.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Right, take it one day at a time, yeah, And
like I've told my son when he's going through his challenges,
many challenges, but you know, and if it's if it's
not a day at a time, an hour at a time,
or a minute exactly, you know, whatever is necessary for
you to get through this, right, and change happens, one
small step at a time, just take the next next step.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
Well, that wraps it up for today. Thanks for joining
us on Let's Talk Midlife Crisis. We hope you got
some laughs, a little inspiration, and maybe a few new ideas.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
If you've loved today's episode, hit that subscribe button so
you'll never miss an episode, and hey, share the love.
Send this episode to a friend who could use a
good laugh and some midlife wisdom.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
Connect with us on social media at Let's Talk Midlife
Crisis and let us know what's on your mind. We
love hearing from you.
Welcome to let's talk midlife crisis. I'm Ashley and I'm Tracy.
We're your go to hosts for all things midlife, menopause,
and moments of pure mayhappen. And today we're going to
talk about overcoming hopelessness and helplessness. Oh, I'm so impressed, Tracy,
you did it well.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
I know it's a tongue twister, it is. And then
we've had a couple of mimosas to be have.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
It's we're a little more buzz than normal today, but honestly,
we are here. You know, we were having Yes, it
is because Tina's here and we're thrilled. We're thrilled that
you're here, and we're thrilled that we're buzzed.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Exactly exactly. Yes, that's what the show is made on.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Yes, well, drinks were in order because we've you know,
had some discussions, more discussions in our little friend group
that have just been a little challenging. So we're all
here for each other.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Yes we are, Yes, we are. And welcome back, Dina. Yes,
Oh happy to be here. So I really wanted to
dive into understanding hopelessness and helplessness. You know, there's a
difference between the two. Hopelessness is feeling like things will
never get better, while helplessness is feeling like you have
(01:18):
no control to change things. Okay, right, yeah, So and
how these common feelings are especially in midlife due to
career shifts, health changes, empty nest syndrome, relationships struggles are
impacting women and people today.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Yeah, and I think monotony can cause a lot of
that too. Yes, I've kind of felt that way. I
would say over the last few months, like like okay,
I need something I need you know, I need something
like it's just too monotonous, and something came to me,
which is cool, but.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
You share that with us? Are you going to make
a sweet No, it was.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Just a business opportunity, as you know. The company that
I own, I bought it from a gentleman that retired
and I have another colleague that's retiring soon and called
me last week and asked me to take over his business.
Oh so yeah, I'm like, okay, cool, this is going
to you know, shake things up a little bit. But
I do. I would did find myself kind of feeling
(02:22):
like hopeless, like yeah, okay, just go through the motions
that type of you know what I mean, so sometimes
you just need things to switch up a little.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
You do, you do, and recognizing the signs is really
important too. Between the difference is of each one, right,
because maybe you don't know why you're feeling like blah
or in a rut or you know, however it is
your feeling, but the persistent feelings of sadness and or
being overwhelmed, a lack of motivation or interest in things
(02:53):
you once enjoyed, feeling stuck in negative thought patterns. That's
huge for me. We talked about loops before in your
brain and how you know you continually lose manifestation yes yes, right,
and increased anxiety or physical symptoms like fatigue or trouble sleeping,
(03:14):
all of those you know can be caused by one
or both of those feelings. Right, you're going through that
makes sense. The power of perspective shift is important, so
reframing negative thoughts, moving from I can't to what if
I try? Oh? I like that, right, trying to stay positive.
(03:38):
I try so hard to be positive and.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
That I think you're very positive.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
But then I find myself getting pulled down daily, right,
whether it's through professional things or you know, in life
with my children and or grandchildren or friends. Right. I
just try to be positive. Not always easy, right, and
I'm constantly trying to change the narrative in my mind. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
I definitely don't ever see negative from you. I mean,
you're definitely one of those now let's be realistic, okay,
you know, but not negative like you're always very positive.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
I try to be positive. It's an effort, and it's
a conscious thing. It has become more of a conscious thing,
I think as I am as I'm aging, it's more
consciousness versus how it was so natural when I was younger,
you know, just to let things go or just whatever. Anyways,
it's more of a conscious effort now.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Yeah, and it's definitely sets the tone for your day,
you know.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
And understanding that emotions are temporary and not permanent truths.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
That's one thing I tell my kids all the time
because they get so worked up over things and I'm like,
is this going to matter in two weeks?
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Is this going to matter in six months? Like?
Speaker 1 (04:54):
How do you need to be this worked up? Absolutely
so important.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
I have this daily reminder that comes up like around
three o'clock every day. Well it did you know, because
that was really important for me to have that reminder
at three o'clock work day. And it was something about
I can't quote a verbatim, but it was something about, uh,
whatever is upsetting you is not it's not a big deal.
(05:19):
Oh yeah, and so and it was just love, love people.
You know, I'm a work in progress, everybody else's, you know,
just these reminders that are.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
So helpful. Yeah, and you needed, right, Yeah, And practicing
self compassion and treating yourself with the same kindness that
you would show a friend. Yeah. I think that we're
really hard on ourselves.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
Oh yeah, I'm way harder on myself than I am
on anyone.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Yeah. Horrible. Yeah, So small, actionable steps towards change are possible, right,
and the important of starting small. Maybe a five minute walk,
a journal entry, or a phone call to a friend, yes, right,
Or is a way that you might be able to
(06:12):
overcome it. Setting micro goals to rebuild confidence and momentum,
micro goals, microal I've never heard before. I like something, right,
I do like that. Yeah that's a good one. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
It's not as intimidating as saying.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
Like me in five minutes. Start small, Start small, and
focusing on what you can control instead of what you can't.
And I have lived by that. So my oldest my
ex husband, I was only married once. But my oldest
daughter's dad was an alcoholic. Came from a long line
(06:56):
of alcoholics. His dad has you know, ground like it
was all the way down the line. So at a
very young age, I went to AA in Na and
they have their twelve steps, right, and one of those
steps was the ability to accept the things that you
cannot change, write, the courage to change the things you can,
(07:18):
and the knowledge to know the difference. Yeah, that's the
right And so I learned that from a very young
age and it has just resonated. It's stuck with me,
you know, throughout all the life. That's called the Cereenity Prayers,
and it is. Yeah, that's that's a really good one.
I mean, like so many people know that one. And
(07:38):
you don't have to be an alcoholic addicted to anything.
I think it's just great advice to live bar.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Oh absolutely absolutely. Yeah. I this is kind of a
funny example, but so my daughter got a new phone
and it came in the mail and she insisted on
setting it up right away, and her old phone was
still working. Okay, but she I can't remember why she
needed a new one anyway, she wasn't getting a case
(08:08):
until the next day, was coming in the mail, and
so I'm like, why do you have to set it
up now? Why can't you just wait until you have
protection for it. She's like, it'll be fine, it'll be fine.
Sure is shit. She comes home the next day, comes
to my house. The next day, it says I cracked
my phone. I dropped my phone and I cracked it
and I just lost it. And my mom was here
(08:30):
and she came in the room. She said, what's wrong,
what's going on? And I said, she already broke her
effing phone. And my mom just looked at me. And
I walked out of the room. And I think I
was getting ready in the bathroom or something. I was
doing something, brushing my hair, I don't know. My mom
walks it, she goes, are you okay? And I said,
I'm fine. I don't know why I let things like
(08:51):
that get to me, Like it's not my problem. Why
am I getting so worked up or something that's not
my problem?
Speaker 3 (08:57):
You know.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Yeah, So it's kind of a funny example, but yeah,
it's something I'm still working on. Clearly, that's a funny example.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
I you know, I hesitate to even say it, but
watching the news, I mean talk about a.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Feeling of helplessness.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Yeah, not hopeless because hopelessness, to me is probably the
most devastating feeling.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
That I was going to say dark Like, that's what
brings to my mind, is darkness, That's what brings you
to a point of suicide.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Yeah, helplessness maybe not so much, but well.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
Maybe it's a step in that direction though. Maybe you
start with helplessness and then it evolves into hopelessness.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Yes, it's definitely and oppression.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
But to me, that's the worst that is.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
And it breaks my heart because whenever I do hear
of someone committing suicide, that's.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
The first thing. Oh my god, they were so hopeless.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
They felt like there was.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Literally there was no other option.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Yeah, and it breaks my heart, it.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Says, it's terrible.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Yeah. Yeah. So it brings us to the role of
connection and support, which is of course why we're here today.
But how isolation can worsen hopelessness and why reaching out
is crucial? Really? Right? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Absolutely, I think.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
It's depressed and like in the late two thousand, two
thousand and nine ish I was really depressed and not suicidal,
but I could understand why somebody right side.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I mean, that's how close I was.
Speaker 3 (10:34):
But I was isolating myself. What that's that's what I
was doing.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Yeah, I wasn't.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
I was going to say. I think that's a natural
feeling to have, is just wanting to be alone, or
or even feeling like a burden to people because you're
not feeling the joy and or you know, I.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Just mentioned, you know, always being positive. So when I
feel really negative and don't have anything nice to say,
and it's funny because I was raised if you don't
have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, right,
And I talk that to my kids, So then I'm
thinking that to myself, right, preaching it to myself. And
then it's like, well, I guess I better not talk
to anybody because I don't have anything nice to say, right.
(11:15):
I don't know, but finding support through friends, mentors and
support groups or therapy. And we've talked about therapy a lot,
and we're firm believers of it, and thankfully it's mainstream
now used to be exactly, Yeah, so if you're feeling
this way, please reach out, right.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
Oh yes, it's actually probably school to have a therapist.
I realized if you don't have a therapist, you're like
not in with the crowd exactly exactly. No, I just
think it's really great. Like to your point, when you
are having days where you're feeling very negative and you
don't really have anything great to say, my poor therapist,
(11:59):
like days I do just go in there and complain
and just vent like I want to strangle my son
right now, or you know so, like and it's just
nice having that release. It's not always something like deep
and you know, you're working on my childhood or it's
not always like that. It's also a place that's safe
(12:20):
for me to go let all that steam out, you
know so.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
And I think they look out for you for the better,
even if you don't think so, right Like, if they
see something that's alarming, then they're going to notify authorities,
right absolutely.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
And one thing that's cool too, I definitely love that
she holds me accountable. Yes, so even in moments like that,
if I am saying something that's probably not fairer, I'm
not really paying attention to what the problem is, she
holds me accountable.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
That's an insider that thread party, you know, looking from
you know, not like it's are inner circle, right, it's
somebody from the outside looking in that can perhaps and
is also trained and skilled and educated exactly the tools
to identify situations and provide you with tools to overcome them. Right, yeah, absolutely, yeah,
(13:17):
So finding support through friends mentors power of helping others
as a way to feel empowered yourself. So I think
that's me a lot, because I try to always be
there for my friends, for my children, for my family,
and I feel that it does empower me.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
I mean I even do that like with my neighbors,
you know, if they're in need of something, I'm it
does it feels good to be helpful well.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
And it takes the focus off yourself. True.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
And you know, I'm sure you guys have heard this
said that if all of us were to throw our
piles of troubles down on the floor, we'd all rush
to get our own because we start seeing what other.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
People are going through.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
It's uh, you know, horrendous, and some people are going
through so.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
You don't know, you don't always know what somebody else
is going through, you know.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
But having an independent third party also keeps you from
just the echo chamber that you know, it's such a
common term. You know, Like you go to your friends
and obviously they're going to support you, at least most
of them are.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
They're not. If they're not supporting you, then maybe you
know it's time to take a step.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Back from me.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
Yes, yeah, back, But it is really important to have
that third party that could come in and really be
objected about what you're dealing with. And like you said,
give you the tools to to.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Basically, yeah, and mind body strategies for emotional resilience, exercise
and movement. Okay, I was natural mood boosters and we've
talked about that a lot. I don't get enough movement,
enough exercise, not enough steps, and I know how important
(15:12):
it is. Yeah, I feel what that's the most important thing. Yeah,
when it's happening, I know it, not only because I
have a step meter on my phone that will tell
me it, but I also know it. And then I start,
you know, spinning downwards downward about it. But I'm trying
to force myself too.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Yeah. I find when I'm having you know, episodes with
you know, my tendon itis or anything like that, and
I'm hurting, I don't really realize that I'm hurting. What
I notice first usually is that I'm in a bad mood. Yeah,
which is and then it's like, why am I in
a bad mood?
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (15:48):
You know, I'm really sure I need to stretch. I
have stretch today, and so, yeah, it really can affect
your mindset. When I went through my last divorce, I
spent hours and hours at the gym every day. I
mean I was there at least three hours a day,
I remember, but I wasn't seeing a therapist. It was
my therapy.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Yes, it was my therapy.
Speaker 4 (16:10):
Well, you, Ashley, are probably one of the first people
that I really remember saying how much better you feel
when you work out?
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Yeah, And I I've heard that so many were not
drinking like before, and Krackadawn she's at the gym.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
And we're like and I just I distinctly remember, and
it's come up several times since, and I still feel
this way. I want to know what that feels like,
because I don't know that feels like even when I've
tried in the past and get into you know, spas
and gym say, you know whatever, fitness things, and it
(16:53):
never does that for me.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
And I want to feel that.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Yeah, I mean, I definitely think it's everyone's different, you know.
And and to some people working out is it's work.
It's hard, yeah, and they don't get that high or
that adrenaline, you know, And I totally can understand that.
But there's other things like even just going for a walk.
I know that you when you were working in the office,
(17:18):
you would go on your walks. It's one of the
things I miss now, right.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
So somebody asks.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
Me, feel AUTI retired, but I don't like it.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
You just need to create new routines.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Yes, true, but so for you that was your joy
it was and it was movement. It was movement.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
So and the benefit of meditation, breath work and grounding exercises,
which we've talked about a lot on our shop, yes
a lot.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Yes, another thing that it really helps again if you're
in a bad mood or feeling anxious or helpless, you know,
I think meditation is huge. Yes, It's something that my
kids practice with their anxiety. If they're in the you
know the moment of having an anxiety attack, they just
(18:08):
step away, do a breathing technique and it just kind
of helps the whole body calm, which really I mean
when you have anxiety. It's a huge physical effect, you know,
so if you can just calm your body, then it
helps your mind too.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Yes, And nutrition's role in mental health, right, Reducing sugar,
increasing omega threes, et cetera. Is very helpful. And we've
talked a lot about that diet. Nutrition. We were just
talking about that prior to the show, how important it is.
So those types of things are things to keep top
(18:46):
of mind when you're feeling that way. Take a look
at it, and what can you change? And maybe it's
not a radical change, right, it's just something so small.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
I've in the last few years heard that a lot
that your diet can and drastically affect your mental health,
which is nothing I ever really would have thought of before.
You know, to me, it's just physical, right, But that's
not true. I mean, and if you think about it,
you know, yeah, it's nice to have, you know, cheat
(19:15):
and have the greasy hamburger and French fries and it
feels good eating it, but then afterward it's like, oh, yeah,
like my gut feels heavy, I'm tired, you know. So
I think if you know, if that's like a pattern,
that's something that you're doing frequently you can kind of
pin it down and go, Okay, maybe I should only
do that twice a week, you know, things like that,
(19:37):
just small changes.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
Oh yeah, absolutely, yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
And that's what we were talking about before the show,
is nutrition and it's relevance to literally every single process
in our bodies. And maybe it's the only resent that
they've been talking about the effect on mental health right
from the foods that we but I mean like we know,
(20:01):
like I didn't know, but the people that suffer from
ant from inflammatory issues like arthritis, I think is a
prime Really, yeah, I thank I mean, I'm way older
than you and I don't have any of those issues.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
I don't know why. Maybe because I haven't.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
Been working out, but it could be do not start
until I.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Was lifting heavy weights. O.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Well, interesting, but there's foods that connaggravate it, including like
fried foods.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
I think is like one of the big ones sugar
of course.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
But yeah, it is interesting to see how nutrition plays
a role in our mental health.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
And for me, it didn't even dawn on me until
my later years. Right when I was young, I had
eat anything, to eat anything, I could do anything. I
didn't have you know, these mental loops or you know,
any of the things that I feel that I have now. Right. So,
but what we'd like to talk about is building a
(21:06):
hope tool kit, so keeping keeping a gratitude journal, just
focus to positives. Okay, we talked about that a lot.
Manifestation we highly believe in that we practice it regularly ourselves,
and this is something that I also do. But sometimes
(21:27):
I think I just do it now because I've done
it for so long. But I've also talked to my
children about doing it. Is creating a playlist of uplifting songs,
which is what I call my happy music. Go to
your happy place, you know, I tell my son all
the time, I know you're getting stressed and stuff, you know,
affecting you, if it's you know, at home or the
(21:47):
kids or work, and just put your happy music on.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Music is very for me.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
It really is engaging in creative or fulfilling activities that
bring joy.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Yep, that's another one that I think is really helpful
for me too. I think I've mentioned before I went
through a period where I wasn't happy about anything, like
nothing brought me joy. Yeah, it was really I was
just kind of in this like really rough patch and
ended up getting on an antidepressant which helped immensely. Again, therapy, psychiatry,
(22:25):
it's all great. But yeah, and now I'm doing you know,
I'm doing things that I enjoy again, and whereas before
not only did I not want to do them, but
if I did do them, they didn't bring me joy
and it was just a serotonin dopamine imbalance. Yeah that's
all it was. But yeah, it's I mean, that's really
sad if you get to a point where things that
(22:47):
used to bring you joy don't anymore. So be very
in tune with your body and what you're experiencing and
get the help if you need it, yep.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
And having affirmations or mantras for tough moments, you know,
in effect, trying to be prepared, right, like happy music,
have your playlist.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Or even like Dina's reminder on her phone.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
You know, I love that you just start, you know,
feeling dragged and dragging and those types of things. So yeah,
and also it's important to know when to seek professional help. Yes,
and we've talked about it, you know, till we're blue
in the face. But recognizing when feelings become too heavy
to manage alone, right, right, that's a warning sign.
Speaker 3 (23:31):
Four friends can't help you, you're still feeling depressed or whatever.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Right, Right, the importance of therapy, coaching or medical support.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
Right.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
We talked about and one of our most recent guests,
Carla Joy, who is a life coach. She and Debbie
Weis as well. They just make me smile. Say about
them or seeing them, they just make me smile, And
I think, oh, like you know, when I was trying
(24:02):
to think of getting motivated, I thought, oh, I bet
Carla Joy could keep me. I need to call her then. Yeah,
whatever it takes for you and debunking the stigma around
mental mental health. Right, it's a strength, not weakness. It's
a strength not a weakness.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Yeah, absolutely, it's still Yeah, I'm with you, and I
still don't feel like it's there's enough awareness around it.
It's just you know, I've been very vocal about my
situation and you know, and my kids what they struggle with.
It's something that runs in my family unfortunately, and you
just really have to reach out to your resources and
(24:45):
take care of yourself because it can get really bad.
Speaker 5 (24:49):
Even if they if they don't exactly that's fine, but yeah,
but I do see it's getting better. Yeah, it is,
at least as far as the acceptance the stigma, you know,
go into counseling and things like that, so important.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
I still think kids need to be taught more though,
like I said, to be in tune with your body
and what you know you're dealing with, and not just kids,
adults too.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
But I think it's easier to identify it when you
get more mature. Yes, right, absolutely. And also I think
that people our age has gone through something in their
life right that has created a feeling of rightlessness or helplessness.
I mean that's almost impossible to you know, get around
(25:34):
at some point. So I think once you get our age,
you've either went through it.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
Or you're going through it, or you're going through it.
And that's what took me to therapy initially, was the
way I was handling a lot of the trauma in
my life at that time, you know, the loss of
my mother in law, the loss of you know, the
suicide of my cousin. There was just a lot of
(26:01):
heavy stuff going on. You know, my son was having issues,
and the way that I coped as a young adult,
that's what I was still doing and it wasn't working
for me.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
Anymore.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
But I didn't know any different, you know, and I
had a lot of trauma in my childhood. I was
I've actually been diagnosed with PTSD and that's what was
triggered when I was going through trauma again. But the
way I used to cope was no longer serving me,
and so that was what took me to therapy. So again,
if you ever feel like you're in a place like that,
(26:34):
if you know, just really pay attention to what you're feeling,
what you're thinking, and what you're doing, and that you're
not alone.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
You are not alone hopelessness, Yes, yes, because that's a
scary one. It is, that's the lie, very scary. Hope
is always possible, even when it doesn't feel like it, right,
just because you're alive. Yes, you have hope.
Speaker 3 (26:57):
Because you're alive, things can and will better in most cases.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Right, take it one day at a time, yeah, And
like I've told my son when he's going through his challenges,
many challenges, but you know, and if it's if it's
not a day at a time, an hour at a time,
or a minute exactly, you know, whatever is necessary for
you to get through this, right, and change happens, one
small step at a time, just take the next next step.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
Well, that wraps it up for today. Thanks for joining
us on Let's Talk Midlife Crisis. We hope you got
some laughs, a little inspiration, and maybe a few new ideas.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
If you've loved today's episode, hit that subscribe button so
you'll never miss an episode, and hey, share the love.
Send this episode to a friend who could use a
good laugh and some midlife wisdom.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
Connect with us on social media at Let's Talk Midlife
Crisis and let us know what's on your mind. We
love hearing from you.
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