August 16, 2023 • 40 mins
Many of us are familiar with the new term work wife or work husband. It appears many of our friends or co-workers have one. Perhaps even one of us has a work wife or husband. We may hear the terminology emotional affair where someone is confiding in someone outside of their marriage for emotional support. We may feel alone in our marriage even after being married for many years. The marriage may have become a roommate situation. Listen to today’s show to learn more about marriage, the roommate situation, and having a work wife or work husband.
#workwife #workhusband #roommatesituation #marriage #relationships #emotionalaffaire
To learn more about the roommate situation log into Ashley’s YouTube channel, https://www.youtube.com/@LifecoachAshleyBerges
as well as watch the following videos on YouTube:
https://youtu.be/fpHKBeOEu-4
https://youtu.be/1ihtarkPLUc
https://youtu.be/kbjEVg0Sd2A
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-ashley-berges-show--1272964/support.
#workwife #workhusband #roommatesituation #marriage #relationships #emotionalaffaire
To learn more about the roommate situation log into Ashley’s YouTube channel, https://www.youtube.com/@LifecoachAshleyBerges
as well as watch the following videos on YouTube:
https://youtu.be/fpHKBeOEu-4
https://youtu.be/1ihtarkPLUc
https://youtu.be/kbjEVg0Sd2A
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-ashley-berges-show--1272964/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:06):
You're in a good place now.You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.
Welcome back live to Literatury Life Perspectives, and I'm your host, Ashley
Burgess. I think many of ushave heard the terminology work wife or work
husband, and it seems almost likethat's become a new norm. It seems
that a lot of our friends orco workers have one of those. Maybe
(00:30):
even some of us have a workwife or work husband. You know,
we hear the terminology emotional affair alot, where somebody's confiding in someone outside
of their marriage for emotional support.We also hear probably some of your friends
and co workers and even maybe yourself, where you feel like you're going out
with your friends a lot, oryour spouse is going out with their friends
(00:51):
all the time, and it doesn'tseem like they're making time for the family
dynamic. And it's interesting because manyof you might actually be feeling alone and
you've been married for fifteen years,and it's interesting. All these things are
symptoms of what I like to callthe roommate situation. And there's many people
right now, all around the world, all around this planet, who we're
(01:14):
dealing with that exact situation. Itdoesn't matter where you live, or your
background or what language you speak.The concept of the roommate situation is very
real. Many people fall into thistrap in their marriage after several years of
marriage, where all of a suddenit feels like the fun is gone.
There is no more fun, thereis no more excitement, there's no more
(01:37):
connection, and it seems almost likeit's two ships passing in the night.
You know, you your spouse,your spouse gets home or you get home
and maybe you eat dinner, watchingTV, and you go to bed and
you call it a night, andyou do it the next day. You
get up, you go to work, you leave, you do that,
you go to work, you comehome, You do the same thing over
and over and over again. Youknow, maybe your spouse goes out with
(01:59):
there for and you go out withyour friends, and that's become the new
norm. And you know, goingout with friends is not a bad thing.
Having people that you can fide inis not a bad thing. Having
somebody that you can talk to youabout your emotions is not a bad thing.
But it's just like, when didthe marriage take a turn to where
that person has not been somebody thatyou can confide in, or there's not
(02:22):
that same connection there anymore. AndI know that many people are suffering from
the roommate situation now and it canseem very overwhelming. And it's not just
about you know, some people thinkit's about the sex. Well, we
haven't had sex, we don't haveintimacy. That's not the only thing that
makes a roommate situation at all.That's definitely a piece of it. That's
definitely a piece of it, butit's not the only thing. And I
think some people are, you know, wondering what's going on. You know,
(02:45):
there was a time when we couldreally talk to each other. There
was a time we had a lotof fun. There was a time when
we'd sit up and talk all night, and then that has gone. That's
gone by the wayside. And Iknow that age plays a part in it
as far as not wanting to stayup all night and be up till two
am and all that good stuff.But you know, it's it's all relative,
right, It's all relative, AndI think it's something to explore on
(03:06):
Live your true life perspectives. There'smany videos that I've actually done and if
you haven't got the chance yet,maybe make some time here now or in
the near future to go on YouTubeand you know, just go on and
search up YouTube and put in myname Ashley Burgess, Ashley Berges, Ashley
Burgess, or you can put LifeCoach Ashley Burgess in the search on YouTube
(03:28):
and you'll find my channel. Andon that channel we put up new content
at least five times a week,short videos, long videos. But I
have a lot of videos on theroommate situation, marriage, what's a marriage
supposed to be? You know,how our parents marriage impacted us, what
is you know, the roommate situation, how to understand the roommate situation,
(03:49):
how to change the roommate situation,and all of these things take time,
but yet it's really good to havethat information and be able to see that
information and watch that information, andyou can watch it multiple ultiple times to
really, you know, understand thatand take that fully end And so definitely
something that many people are dealing with, something that many people are going through
in their day to day life,and solutions that haven't been found. And
(04:12):
I think one of the biggest thingsabout marriage that's so hard is that you've
been with somebody for so long andit's been such a long time commitment that
it's hard to you know, andthat's what actually keeps marriages together, I
think more often than not, isthat time commitment. It's hard to leave
behind the time commitment. You know. It's like it's like anything in life.
(04:32):
It's like it's like you know,being you know, two classes away
from graduating. You know, it'slike you gotta get it done. You
know, it's like you feel likeI've put in all this work and effort
and i gotta do it. Youknow. However, it's like, you
know, at what point in timedo we begin to make changes? At
what point in time do we dowhat we need to do, because it
might not in that situation, mightnot be the right degree for you.
(04:53):
You might need to take a change, you know, augment your direction.
And I'm not saying that every marriagewill be solved, you know, through
working through this, but I thinkthat given a chance, you can learn
more about your marriage, learn moreabout what's happening, but better yet,
have more of a be able tohave more of that conversation of what's really
happening, and be able to expressyourself in a way where you can talk
(05:15):
about different key points, or atleast, you know, get your spouse
to agree to come to somebody likeme, like a coach or a therapist,
to be able to get some helpin having that conversation and opening the
line of communication so both of youcan freely talk without the other person shutting
the other person down or you know, interrupting or you know, leaving.
(05:38):
And so sometimes that's necessary to havethat medium in the room to basically be
there to help you and guide youinto some of these thoughts and allow everybody
to have a safe place to speak. But you know, it's interesting when
we look at the roomate situation forwhat it is and we begin to understand
it. You know, like whenI was talking about the concept of the
(05:58):
work wife, work husband. That'ssomething that you find a lot nowadays,
is that people you know, becausethere's an emotional distance, because there's an
emotional distance to some degree, andthat emotional distance is very real. You
know, it's interesting because eventually youhave to talk to somebody. Eventually there
has to be some communication. Eventuallythere has to be some you know,
(06:23):
communication between people and some communication emotionallywith people. And when you're not getting
that in a relationship, you're goingto be looking for that in other relationships.
It's just it's just the way thingsgo. It's just the way things
are. And so we definitely needto, you know, understand that people
are going to go outside if theydon't have that consistency or they don't have
(06:46):
that ability to confide or speak withtheir spouse. And I think that many
of you probably feel that way whereyou don't have that emotional connection anymore.
And maybe somebody you feel like younever had that emotional connection, like you
never had the ability to really talkabout the things that matter. Perhaps you
know your significant other was more emotionallyshut down or could not emotionally you know,
process things, And that could beinteresting too, because if somebody is
(07:11):
unable to emotionally process their own emotions, they are not going to be able
to process your emotions and that's goingto be challenging for them. And so
you will be looking for someone tocommunicate with or to talk about your emotions
in a certain way. And Ithink that's very important and it's very important
for us to analyze that. Andso a lot of times people walk out,
you know, or step out,or even not really step out,
they just emotionally kind of maneuver aroundand over time find someone that they can
(07:36):
communicate with. And usually they findsomeone who is also unable to really communicate
in their household and in their marriage, and so that forms a bond.
And so we hear about work wifeand work husband a lot, and you
know a lot of times people jokearound about that, but I think it's
very real. You know, Ithink it's very real because both of those
people are depending on that other personfor emotional support and they're not getting it
(08:00):
anywhere else, and so they're goingto need to lean on that person for
emotional support, lean on that personto be there for them. And that
is a very important aspect of life. And I think that's where we have
a lot of these emotional affairs whereyou know, people are talking to someone
else, they are, you know, opening their heart and burying their soul
to someone else. And I thinkthat's, you know, something that most
humans have to do. I thinkmost humans have to have that interaction.
(08:24):
And if they're not getting that,they're going to seek that somewhere else.
Just like if they were very spiritualbeings, then they weren't able to speak
about spirituality and their marriage. They'regoing to need to find some out,
some ability to communicate that to someoneelse. And that's very important understand,
and that's something that we have toreally get our brain around and see.
Okay, but you know the otherside of the coin is one person is
(08:46):
not going to be everything. Oneperson is not going to be everything to
you. So that is something thatwe really need to know. And also,
one person or any person for thatmatter, is not there to make
you happy. You know, wehave to make ourselves happy. We have
to also be there for ourselves invarious different ways. And also sometimes one
person is not going to be ableto be there for us in all different
(09:09):
ways. And so I really wantto make sure that we're looking at things
honestly. I want to really makesure that we're also you know, seeing
the value of what we have andbeing able to see what's missing honestly in
the marriage. Because until we reallyknow what's missing, we really can't fix
it. And until we acknowledge thosemissing pieces, we really can't do anything
(09:31):
about it. So it's up tous to really analyze the situation, to
see it for what it is,and to begin to proactively move forward with
some sort of solution based situation.So we've got to have some sort of
solution at some point, okay,And so I know that many of you
are looking for solution, But beforewe get into that, let's talk about
the problem. Because the problem orthe issue, or the situation, let's
(09:54):
just call it a situation, needsto be looked at and understood prior.
So when we look at a marriagethat's become more like the roommate situation,
we have to understand that that's youknow, it's kind of a mindset change,
and we have to understand that there'smany things that go along hand in
hand when that happens. And oneof the things that I find in a
(10:18):
roommate situation is that the conversations becomepretty boring and they become pretty dull.
Okay, So the conversations are nolonger very interesting or thought provoking. Instead
they're quite the opposite, and theycan be very dull, very boring,
and very different from maybe what yourconversations used to be in the beginning of
(10:39):
the relationship. And some of youmay say, hey, you know what,
I look back, and honestly,we really never had deep conversations.
And if that's the case, that'sthe case, and sometimes that's true for
people. It's like, you know, maybe you got married, was at
the moment in your life where yougot married and this person and y'all happen
to be in the same place atthe same time and it worked out,
and maybe there were some things missingthen, And so we have to take
(11:01):
into considerations some of those things aswell, because a lot of times we
might think that everything kind of fellby the wayside recently, and that might
not be the case. There mightbe certain things that were lacking in your
marriage from the very beginning. Nowsome of you may say, you know
what, that's that's not what happenedwith us. You know, the beginning
was great, you know, afew years in everything was good, you
know, and then all of asudden things started changing and waning, you
(11:22):
know, and all of a suddenit was almost like you couldn't identify the
marriage. And I know that someof you are probably there right now where
you're staying. How do we gethere? You know? How do we
get to this place? You know? How do we how do we get
here? What got us here?And And that's interesting too, to be
able to kind of look back andsee throughout the years, the changes and
augmentations. And I think many ofyou you know, may have had children
(11:43):
and have a family as well,and so that also was a part of
it, focusing on the kids,focusing on the family. You know,
careers and financial obligations and responsibilities alsoyou know, play a big part in
the day to day role and whathappens in the family dynamic. All these
things very important analyze and understand,and all these things really go a long
(12:03):
way for us to see how wego out there and if we can turn
back the hands of time to getback to where we need to go.
And it's not really about turning backthe hands of time, honestly, it's
about reinventing, you know, oneself, reinventing one's marriage. But I think
it's also about reinventing oneself because ittakes two people to reinvent themselves to really
(12:24):
begin to come together, as youknow, as a couple. And I
don't believe that two people become one. I think it's two people coming in
together in a union where it's twopeople in a union, not two people
become one. Because I think ifwe're becoming one, we're losing our identity,
we don't have our individuality. There'sa lot of codependent components there that
I don't find very healthy in anyrelationship. And that's also another thing that
(12:46):
could happen in a marriage is thatif you're losing your identity, you may
be you know, you may bequestioning the marriage because you're questioning who you
become because you're no longer who youwere. You're no longer you know the
individual that you felt like you were, and so you feel like you're losing
your edge, or you feel likeyou're out of control, or you're confused
as to where your life is heading. And that's some important information to take
(13:09):
in because if you're if you feellike you've lost your identity, you know
in this marriage, we're going tohave to be able to find that,
get that back, or develop itreally solidly at this point in your life
right now. In the meantime,don't change the channel. I got more
to talk about when it comes tothe roommate situation, really identifying this and
then offering some solutions as well,because solutions are very important, but we
(13:31):
want to pinpoint the situation, pinpointthe situation or the problem and really understand
what needs to be rectified, orat least what needs to be brought up
and talked about in a conversation tobegin the conversation about this situation. Stay
tuned Live your True Life Perspectives withme, your host, Ashley Burgess,
(13:52):
will be back in I'll be backthis time in two shakes. Turn it
up and jump in the deep endon Perspectives. Now here's Ashley. Welcome
(14:13):
back live to Literature Life Perspectives andI'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On
today's show, I'm identifying the roommatesituation in a marriage, when a marriage
has become the roommate situation, andunderstanding a lot of the symptoms and signs.
And you know, we talk aboutwork wife and work husband, and
a lot of us do that ina humorous way, but yet that is
one of the symptoms of being ina roommate situation where you're confiding in somebody
(14:37):
else, you know, your feelingsand emotions and they are doing the same.
And that can be very common placenowadays because people feel like as if
they can't communicate in their marriage,or maybe they felt like they never could
communicate in their marriage. And again, you know, I do stress the
fact that one person cannot be youreverything, and you should never think that
that's the case, and we actuallyhave to make ourselves happy. It's not
about that other person. But atthe same time, you know, there
(15:00):
are some symptoms and signs. Andbefore the break, I was talking about
how, you know, conversations havebecome pretty dull and boring. You know,
the fun seems to be sucked outof the room, you know what
I mean, It's not fun likeit used to be. And you find
some emotional distance between you and yourspouse, and I think many of you
two have been married for so long, there's a fear of sharing your thoughts.
(15:20):
There's a fear of sharing what you'regoing through. There's a fear of
sharing and how that person's going toreact, And that is a big fear,
you know, how somebody's going toreact to some of your feelings,
your thoughts. And maybe you've beenholding these theories and thoughts and feelings in
for very long and you just don'teven know what to do at this point,
(15:41):
and that can feel very overwhelming too. And I know that, you
know, going to a coach ortherapist can be very helpful. I work
with clients often on this situation alone, just being able to talk and prepare
and open up and prepare to havethose conversations. The longer we stay in
our head with stuff, the longeryou know, it becomes a problem,
the bigger the problem, the biggerthe issue, you know, and that
(16:03):
can really, you know, blowup, it can really blow up.
And so I think that that emotionaldistance over time is really created because of
that avoidance of conflict, and thatavoidance of conflict is big. Avoiding conflict
in the marriage, not wanting tohave conflict, not wanting to deal with
(16:26):
conflict, because most people don't likeconflict. And I think when people do
like conflict, that's kind of aproblem in and of itself. But most
people avoid conflict. They don't wantto have conflict. And so there might
be some resentment that's harbored from thingsthat have happened in the past, but
people don't want to talk about it. Maybe there's some things that you know,
one person wants to talk about,but they just you know, they're
(16:47):
just avoiding because they know that theother person is going to shut down or
do the silent treatment, or walkout or yell or freak out. And
so there's that fear of the responseand the fear of not being heard,
and on top of that, it'salso that fear of having that unneeded conflict
(17:07):
that nobody really wants to deal with. I think that there's so much stress
and anxiety and life already that we'realready dealing with all the stress. We're
already dealing with all this conflict,We're already dealing with all these issues and
those issues you know, in lifeoutside of the marriage, everything else is
like overwhelming enough that we don't wantto also deal with this as well.
And so I feel like a lotof the big issues get put on the
(17:29):
back burner, and a lot ofthe big issues are never talked about,
but they get bigger and bigger andbigger, you know, day after day,
year after year, and eventually something'sgot to give, right, Eventually,
something has to give. And Ithink that sometimes, you know,
that's when you know somebody blows theirtop, because you know, the fear
of what's going to happen eventually goesaway, and then there's a fear of
(17:53):
am I going to live in thislifestyle forever? Am I never going to
be able to speak my truth?What happens eventually, I'm going to have
to speak my truth, and sothat's always an interesting component. And so
when I returned on me talking moreabout the roommate situation, really understanding it,
really deep diving into it, andalso providing some solutions of things that
(18:15):
we can do to offset that,to be able to discuss, to at
least open the lines of communication,to be able to start the conversations.
Because that's what's so important, isthat eventually we have to say something.
We can't just stay in silence.And I think that that regret is a
big peace in life. You know, if we don't say how we feel,
(18:36):
what we don't understand how we feel, or we don't we're not able
to articulate. We kind of sitthere in silence, and we kind of
mesh and meld that around and marinatingthat and eventually just stresses us out.
So stay two. When I returned, were talking more about this don't change
the channel Liquorty Life Perspectives with yourhost met Asky Burgess will be back in
and be back to this time.You know it. In two shapes,
(19:07):
This is Jake Busey and you're listeningto Perspectives with Ashley Burges. Welcome back
live to Literature Life Perspectives, andI'm your host Ashley Burgess. On today's
show, we're talking about the roommatesituation and understanding if your marriage has become
the roommate situation. And it's notall about oh, we're not having sex,
we're not having intimacy. That isdefinitely a piece of the puzzle,
(19:29):
but there are other things that gohand in hand with the roommate situation.
And before the break, I've beentalking about how the fund seems to have
gone away, how the conversations havebecome more dull and boring, about how
there's emotional distance between you and yourspouse, and that fear of sharing,
and that fear of how they willreact when you share. You know,
I discussed the avoiding conflict concept aboutyou know, how we avoid the conflict,
(19:49):
we don't talk about what's bothering us, how we can be harboring resentment,
and how they can also create moreof a physical, mental, emotional
divide. But yes, now Iwant to jump into the sex component.
Where did the sex go? AndI think that's also a piece of it
too, Is that physical divide aswell, because eventually, you know,
our thoughts, you know, willdivide us, because our thoughts and feelings,
(20:11):
you know, are super real tous. And at the same point,
it's like that's going to eventually divideus in different ways as well.
And I know that some of youout there say, well, you know
what, I never had a reallysolid, you know, sexual relationship in
my marriage. And if that's thecase, you know, going into it,
you kind of realized that that wassomething that might not you know,
be at the level you wanted ittoo, but you offset it, you
(20:32):
allowed it to be because there wereother pieces of the puzzle in the relationship
that we're working for you. Andso you know, being able to be
honest too, because we need tohave an honest assessment, you know,
we need to have an honest assessmentabout the relationship. We need to have
an honest assessment about the beginning ofthe relationship and understanding what was working in
the beginning, what might not havebeen working very well in the beginning,
(20:55):
and better yet, you know,kind of looking at that type of thing
and saying, Okay, I realizedthat this wasn't work well. I realized
that wasn't working well. But thesepieces were working well. You know and
are these pieces still working well?And if they are great? If not,
then what needs to be changed?Or you know, have I changed
as an individual as far as whatI want in my life, as far
(21:15):
as what type of interaction and relationshipI want in my life? Is that
part of my reality? Do Ineed to accept that and see life a
certain way? And I think thatthese are very important things because again,
remember, the marriage is the marriage, right, and that's important in and
of itself, But the marriage isnot just the marriage. It's also two
(21:37):
different people, and two different peoplemake up the marriage. It would be
like two different people making up youknow, LLC a company, right,
You have two people coming together toform a company, right, and the
company acts together and does things togetherand moves together and works together. But
the two different people that come,they're not it's like they become person.
(22:00):
It's two different people. And sorealizing that again you are an individual dealing
with your own things, dealing withyour own stuff, you know, dealing
with your own problems, dealing inwith your own responsibilities, and those things
have to be recognized and realized.And those are very important aspects here that
we have that we need to alsorecognize and realize as well when we look
(22:21):
back at the sex, you know, and say, let's say that you
did have a really good sex lifein the very beginning of the relationship.
Okay, so what happened to it? You know? Is there a lot
of water under the bridge? Isthere a lot of things that you feel
a distance from that things have happened? Is there a way to open that
line of communication. We'll talk aboutthat, you know. And sometimes it's
interesting too. It's like, youknow, we find that people can,
(22:45):
you know, not only get distant, but also get physically distant. You
know, there's some people that canhave physical they can have sex, but
they're not very emotionally connected, youknow, So you looking at various different
sides of the coin. I'm notsaying not to you or to have,
but I'm saying that, you know, we have to look at it from
from various different areas. I alsobelieve that comparing our marriage to other people
(23:07):
is not a good idea because ifyou're comparing your marriage to another person's marriage,
you really don't know what you're comparingyour marriage too. And I really
want to stress that because I thinkthat a lot of people do that and
they don't really know at all whatthe other person's dealing with. They're only
seeing what they see, what theywant to see, the version they see,
(23:30):
the version they feel that they see. They're coloring it in a certain
way. Either they're based on theirtheir feeling of lack and that can happen
too. It's just like it's veryinteresting, you know, when you go
out to dinner with folks and andyou listen to them talk, and it's
interesting to you know, try tofigure out what kind of marriage they have.
But it's like that's just futile becauseyou really never know. I mean,
(23:51):
most people put on, you know, a game face or most people.
You know, it's just it's notnecessarily the way you see it.
And also it can be smoked mirrorsbased on how you want to interpret that
marriage and maybe the things that youfeel are lacking and the things that you
think that that maybe they have orthat that marriage in particular possesses different from
your own marriage. And these arethings that really need to be discussed.
(24:14):
You know, these are deep conversationsthat most people never have. They just
don't they don't want to discuss it, you know, they don't want to
deal with it. They don't wantto feel it, they don't want to
think about it, they don't wantto have any issue with it. They
just want to go through life anddeal with it and you know, and
keep getting that medal of honor foroh wow, we were married for another
year. Oh wow, we weremarried for another year. And that's great.
I mean, I understand marriage.I've been married for a while.
(24:36):
I understand that. But I thinkeventually sometimes we get into that whole rat
race of counting, counting the yearsinstead of really working to make the stuff
in the in between that really workout in the marriage. And that's something
that we really need to analyze andthink about. You know, when I
was talking earlier about you know,confiding in others, you know, having
(24:59):
that work husband, that work life, that's very important as well. It's
another you know, symptom of theroommate situation. Again, though I stress
that, you know, your spousecan't be your one and only person in
your life. You have to beoutside friends and family and co workers and
you know, best friends and allthat stuff. They can really help make
our life a bit more meaningful andinteresting. So it's not just the only
(25:22):
person. So I don't find problemin that by itself. I mean,
we were looking at a lot ofthese together. It's not just one symptom,
it's multiple symptoms that really create theroommate situation. You know. Another
symptom is that living that different life, you know, living different lives really,
you know, having trouble kind ofmeshing the lives together, you know,
kind of almost going in two differentdirections. And a lot of times
(25:45):
that can go hand in hand withnot having joint plans for the future,
or not seeing the future together ornot thinking about the future together. And
that that can be a big piecetoo. And I think that's because when
somebody's looking for themselves or they're wonderor they're questioning their future, those types
of things. Also another point islike you know, you feel like you
have nothing to talk about, andthat can be hard too. And sometimes
(26:11):
this can be because you know,you've been together as long as you have.
You know, sometimes many of youthat are empty nesters after the kids
have left for college or school ormoved out on their own or got married
or whatever happened with them. Youknow, that can be an overwhelming process
too, is that you wake upone day and it's just you and your
spouse, and you're like, oh, what happened here? What's going on
(26:32):
here? You know, how didI get here? You know? What
do I do next? You know? Where do I go from here?
And these are really deep questions,and these are questions that you really have
to, you know, honestly,you know, get introspective on and think
about that, because these things canmake you really question, you know,
a thirty year marriage. You cansit there and say, why did I
(26:52):
get married? Why am I here? Now? What have I done?
What got me here? You know? What am I dealing with? And
what can I do to augment orchange the situation? And I feel like
this is really important because I thinkmany people go through this. I think
many of us are dealing with thison a day to day basis. You
know, I have so many clientsto talk about it, and you know,
they said, you know, hey, I just don't even know what
(27:14):
to do anymore. You know,I have these thoughts in my head and
I don't know what to say ordo. And I feel like if I
bring it up, you know,I'm going to cause pain and suffering.
I don't want to upset anybody.I don't want to rock the boat.
I don't want to make anybody mad. And so therefore, you know,
we have you know, these issues, you know that are playing a role,
and that fear of discussing how wefeel. And I think that's really
(27:37):
important to understand and to think about. How do we begin to not only
you know, voice our opinion ina positive way, but also be open
to other people's opinion and be opento the other person's way of thinking and
be open to finding solution. Andso how do we begin to turn the
(27:59):
roommate situation around? How do webegin to do that? And I think
that a lot of times, bythe time that we've acknowledged the fact that
we are in a roommate situation,it's probably been quite a while. It's
probably been a long time. It'sprobably not just been a couple of days.
It's probably not just been you know, Okay, yeah, I just
realized this. You know, thingschanged yesterday. Now. I think it's
(28:21):
probably been maybe several years, youknow, you know, average average client
that comes to me that's dealing withthis, it's been several years that this
has been going on, and they'rejust now kind of not only acknowledging the
fact, but it's gotten painful.It's started to get painful for them.
It's starting to get painful as faras you know, feeling unfulfilled, that
(28:45):
unfulfilled feeling where it's like, Okay, is this all there is? You
know? Is this it? Youknow? Do I just have to prepare
for this? It? Is thisall there is? And that's a big
that's a big question. Is thisall there is? You know? And
that's what a lot of people wonder. And then they get to a point
where they go, you know what, I don't think it is. Maybe
there's more than this. What doI do? How do I begin to
(29:07):
look for that? But first off, you know, how do I do
what's right in this situation and moveforward the right way? Because I think
that's important too, is to beable to analyze and say, Okay,
hey, I've been in this marriagefor this long. What can I do
to see if I can move thingsforward in a positive way. If I
can move things in a positive way, you know, move the pendulum in
(29:27):
a positive way, and feel reallygood at least about being honest and being
truthful about my feelings. At leastbeing honest and being truthful of what I
needed to talk about. And youknow, because I think that once you
fall into these patterns, it's hardto get out of it because it becomes
a program. Right, It's aprogram. It's a program, a constant
(29:51):
program that we're you know, thatwe're dealing with, and it becomes are
what our new normal. You know, a lot of people were talking about
how COVID was normal, but comeon, we're talking to how the marriage,
you know, situation has become thenew normal. And it's we accept
all this stuff and we kind of, you know, slowly thinks make get
worse or worse or harder to dealwith, but it's not that bad,
it's not that painful. But eventuallyone day you kind of wake up and
(30:14):
go, wait a second, howdid I get here? And I think
the first thing that we can beginto do is to begin to start our
own journal and thinking about what isimportant to me, What is important to
me? What do I want outof this life? You know, what
is it that I want to doin this lifetime? What is it that
I want to experience in this lifetime? And you know, can I do
(30:37):
that with this other person? CanI do that with this other person?
In the state of mind or whatthey're doing right now. Can I do
this in the state of mind thatI'm in right now? That's a big
question. These are very very bigquestions. Can I do that in the
state of mind I'm in right now? And it's important to ask that question,
you know. I think also too, it's like, you know,
(30:59):
what is it that you want toachieve? What is it that you want
to achieve? Really really think aboutthis, really really digesting this, really
really go deep into this, becauseI think that the deeper you go into
this, the more you can beginto understand and reveal important things to yourself
that you might not even know areimportant to you, you might not even
(31:22):
know are very special to you.Because I believe that our goals and our
pursuits are very important to understand.And in any relationship, you know,
whether it's a marriage or a friendship, or a family dynamic or even a
business, we have to know thedirection that we want to go in.
We have to understand that direction.We have to understand what's important to us.
You know, what ignites that youknow, passion flame that direction that
(31:45):
we want to attain, Because Ithink nobody wants to deal with regret in
their life. Nobody wants to feelregret or deal with regret, and so
this is something that does need tobe discovered and thought about, and can
this be tackled, you know,in a positive way in this marriage and
being in this marriage. I thinkanother thing that's important is also obviously communication.
(32:06):
Communication is key, and being ableto open the line of communication is
very important. And being able toopen that line of communication, being able
to open that and communicate in away that makes sense, and you know
that communication is so valuable and we'reable to communicate instead of closing down,
you know, instead of closing down, instead of disengaging, being able to
(32:30):
you know, communicate in a positiveway, being able to talk in a
positive way, at least being ableto either be positive or neutral in our
talk. But also have that strategyof Okay, I'm not going to be
too defensive in my response, I'mnot going to be angry to what the
other persons saying. I'm going toat least be able to listen. And
(32:52):
that can be really tough and challenging, and it can be hard for us
to also articulate how we're feeling ina situation as well, and fear that
that other person and fear that thatother person is going to make judgment,
or in fear that that other personis going to be upset or angry or
dismissive or avoidant, and all thesethings are very important. All these things
(33:15):
are interesting to understand because I thinkthis is how we go down that slippery
slope. But this is how thesethings happen, you know, this is
how we fall into these pitfalls,is we stop communicating, we stop having
that conversation. And sometimes that conversationyou've tried to have that conversation in the
(33:35):
past, but you were unable tohave it and you might shut down again,
or you've tried it again and thatother person was not listening, and
so there's various things. Or maybeyou try to have a conversation but you
couldn't get out what out of yourmouth what you wanted to talk about,
and so again, these are thingsthat we need to think about. And
I think sometimes it's best, youknow, if we feel that way or
we're having trouble being able to havemaybe a third party that can help to
(33:59):
facilitate an environment where everybody's heard,to facilitate an environment where everybody feels heard,
where everybody can communicate and communicate theirtruth in a way that makes sense,
but in a safe way, butalso in a way where everybody can
hear one another. And it's hardthough. You know, when you've been
married to somebody for very long,you know there's a lot of fear.
(34:20):
There's a lot of fear of abandonment. There's also, you know, a
lot of fear of how that personis going to take what you have to
say. And also the other wayaround is listening to what that person is
saying and in allowing that to betoo is challenging. I mean, it's
a lot easier when you're dealing witha friend or someone you haven't known that
long, but somebody that you've knownvery long and you've had a committed relationship
too can be challenging. So staytune and I return. I'm giving you
(34:43):
more tips and tricks on how todeal with this and how to overcome this,
or at least how to begin toopen the lines of communication, live
your true life perspectives with your hostme Askeley Burgers will be back in I'll
be back this time in two shapes. Get in here. You're listening to
(35:10):
perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Welcome backLive to Literature Life Perspectives, and I'm
your host, Ashley Burgess. Ontoday's show, I've been talking about the
roommate situation and understanding that with regardsto a marriage and how to understand if
we are in the roommate situation.And you know, in the last segment
we've been talking about solutions, waysof overcoming this, ways of moving forward,
(35:34):
things to be able to open ourminds to. And I think one
of the biggest thing is understanding what'simportant to you, like, what is
it that you want to achieve inyour life? What do you want to
do? What are the main importantpieces that you want to do in your
life? And that is so valuableto me to understand because then you have
to look around and say, isthis helpful to what I want to do?
You know, is this going tobe supportive? And we need to
(35:55):
talk about that. Understand where eachdirection of each person is, the direct
action each person is going in,and very very much understand the goals of
each person, but very much understandingthe goals that you have, and that'll
really understand that'll really help you tounderstand and process kind of things that you
need to do, but not onlythat, but also understanding the environment you
need to be in, the inthe steps that you need to take to
(36:15):
make that a reality. You know, the next step is that communication,
opening that communication, not closing down, not disengaging, you know, not
avoiding. And this can be hardin any marriage. It's hard because time
is time, and the longer you'rewith somebody, the harder. It is
(36:36):
a lot of time to really statehow you feel, to be honest with
your feelings, to tell them whatyou're thinking. It can be very,
very hard, and it can bevery challenging. And that's something that you
know a lot of people battle with, is I want to be there,
I want to be transparent, butyet I'm worried as to how the other
(36:58):
person is going to respond or takethe information, or deal with the information,
or understand the information, and thatthat can clearly be an issue.
And so a lot of times peoplewill come to you know, using a
coach or a therapist like myself.You know, as a coach, I
really work on, you know,really being able to listen to each person,
asking the right questions, really interpretingcertain things. But but beginning with
(37:22):
actually working with the individual, becausethe individual is where this starts. It's
not just a marital thing. Thisis an individual thing. And being able
to understand your goals and desires andhow you feel and what you're going through
and then being able to kind ofput together the pieces and understanding that marriage
piece, and that can be veryimportant to understand, you know. I
also feel too that the unseaid thingsare the worst things in a marriage.
(37:46):
Is that there's a lot of peoplethat leave you know, it's it's they
stack things, you know, andthey don't talk about it. They don't
discuss some of the things. AndI think things that are left on said
can bring a lot of pain andsuffering because it's like you wish that you
would have said it, You wishyou would have discussed it. You wish
you would have had that discussion.You wish you would have been able to
(38:07):
communicate that. And I think nowmore than ever, we don't want to
have much regret in our life.Instead, we want to have quite the
opposite. And so I feel thatif there's something that's being left unset and
something that you need to vocalize,it's probably the time to vocalize it.
It's probably the time to have thatconversation. It's probably the time to at
least begin to open up the linesof communication. You know. The last
(38:29):
couple of things that I want totalk about is that, you know,
we want to achieve our goals inour own personal life, and we want
to achieve our goals and our marriagegoals. We want to achieve our life
goals, and these are important.Really think about what those goals are,
you know. Also think about aretheir goals that you two can have in
common as well? Are there thingsthat you two can do together, things
that you can do together as commongoals. And then, last but not
(38:51):
least, remembering that other person cannotmake you happy. They can bring joy
to your life, they can bringa smile to your face. They you
know, but it's not about themmaking you happy. It's about you making
you happy. And what is itthat you need to do to make yourself
happy? And that's very important.And I feel that the roommate situation,
you know, it's really two peoplemost often that are kind of going in
(39:15):
different directions and then trying to processthe emotions of the marriage. And I
think that you know, together thiscan be a real challenge. I mean,
together, there can be so muchthat you're dealing with, so much
that you're having to go through,and that to me is a big is
a big eye opener and something thatwe all need to deal with, and
so definitely beginning with you and lookingat you and deciding, now, what
(39:36):
is it that I need to workon on my own, What is it
that I need to work on withmyself, What are the things that I
want to do in my life?And then what are the things that I
want to work on in my marriage? What do I want from my marriage?
What do I want from this union? Also, how do we have
those big conversations? Because the morewe're able to communicate and the more closer
we're able to get, the betterthe union is. And sometimes those are
the well, the not so funcommunication and sometimes the things that we don't
(40:00):
want to talk about, those arethe uncomfortable conversations. And sometimes those uncomfortable
conversations can be some of the mostenlightened conversations and the most life changing conversations
that we can ever have. Inthe meantime, if you haven't already,
check out the YouTube channel or youknow, and also check out the website
Ashley Burgess dot com. And youknow we have video content up every single
(40:22):
almost every single day on YouTube,and so check that out when you get
a chance to check up YouTube andput in Ashley ber Gees or go to
YouTube and put in life Coach AshleyBurgess. There'll be next another show coming
up soon and in the meantime,I hope this show has helped you.
Please share with any family or friendsthat you think need to hear the message.
Leave your true life perspectives with yourhost me. Ashley Burgess will be
(40:43):
back in I'll be back this time. You know it. I'll be back
this time from Three Shakes
You're in a good place now.You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.
Welcome back live to Literatury Life Perspectives, and I'm your host, Ashley
Burgess. I think many of ushave heard the terminology work wife or work
husband, and it seems almost likethat's become a new norm. It seems
that a lot of our friends orco workers have one of those. Maybe
(00:30):
even some of us have a workwife or work husband. You know,
we hear the terminology emotional affair alot, where somebody's confiding in someone outside
of their marriage for emotional support.We also hear probably some of your friends
and co workers and even maybe yourself, where you feel like you're going out
with your friends a lot, oryour spouse is going out with their friends
(00:51):
all the time, and it doesn'tseem like they're making time for the family
dynamic. And it's interesting because manyof you might actually be feeling alone and
you've been married for fifteen years,and it's interesting. All these things are
symptoms of what I like to callthe roommate situation. And there's many people
right now, all around the world, all around this planet, who we're
(01:14):
dealing with that exact situation. Itdoesn't matter where you live, or your
background or what language you speak.The concept of the roommate situation is very
real. Many people fall into thistrap in their marriage after several years of
marriage, where all of a suddenit feels like the fun is gone.
There is no more fun, thereis no more excitement, there's no more
(01:37):
connection, and it seems almost likeit's two ships passing in the night.
You know, you your spouse,your spouse gets home or you get home
and maybe you eat dinner, watchingTV, and you go to bed and
you call it a night, andyou do it the next day. You
get up, you go to work, you leave, you do that,
you go to work, you comehome, You do the same thing over
and over and over again. Youknow, maybe your spouse goes out with
(01:59):
there for and you go out withyour friends, and that's become the new
norm. And you know, goingout with friends is not a bad thing.
Having people that you can fide inis not a bad thing. Having
somebody that you can talk to youabout your emotions is not a bad thing.
But it's just like, when didthe marriage take a turn to where
that person has not been somebody thatyou can confide in, or there's not
(02:22):
that same connection there anymore. AndI know that many people are suffering from
the roommate situation now and it canseem very overwhelming. And it's not just
about you know, some people thinkit's about the sex. Well, we
haven't had sex, we don't haveintimacy. That's not the only thing that
makes a roommate situation at all.That's definitely a piece of it. That's
definitely a piece of it, butit's not the only thing. And I
think some people are, you know, wondering what's going on. You know,
(02:45):
there was a time when we couldreally talk to each other. There
was a time we had a lotof fun. There was a time when
we'd sit up and talk all night, and then that has gone. That's
gone by the wayside. And Iknow that age plays a part in it
as far as not wanting to stayup all night and be up till two
am and all that good stuff.But you know, it's it's all relative,
right, It's all relative, AndI think it's something to explore on
(03:06):
Live your true life perspectives. There'smany videos that I've actually done and if
you haven't got the chance yet,maybe make some time here now or in
the near future to go on YouTubeand you know, just go on and
search up YouTube and put in myname Ashley Burgess, Ashley Berges, Ashley
Burgess, or you can put LifeCoach Ashley Burgess in the search on YouTube
(03:28):
and you'll find my channel. Andon that channel we put up new content
at least five times a week,short videos, long videos. But I
have a lot of videos on theroommate situation, marriage, what's a marriage
supposed to be? You know,how our parents marriage impacted us, what
is you know, the roommate situation, how to understand the roommate situation,
(03:49):
how to change the roommate situation,and all of these things take time,
but yet it's really good to havethat information and be able to see that
information and watch that information, andyou can watch it multiple ultiple times to
really, you know, understand thatand take that fully end And so definitely
something that many people are dealing with, something that many people are going through
in their day to day life,and solutions that haven't been found. And
(04:12):
I think one of the biggest thingsabout marriage that's so hard is that you've
been with somebody for so long andit's been such a long time commitment that
it's hard to you know, andthat's what actually keeps marriages together, I
think more often than not, isthat time commitment. It's hard to leave
behind the time commitment. You know. It's like it's like anything in life.
(04:32):
It's like it's like you know,being you know, two classes away
from graduating. You know, it'slike you gotta get it done. You
know, it's like you feel likeI've put in all this work and effort
and i gotta do it. Youknow. However, it's like, you
know, at what point in timedo we begin to make changes? At
what point in time do we dowhat we need to do, because it
might not in that situation, mightnot be the right degree for you.
(04:53):
You might need to take a change, you know, augment your direction.
And I'm not saying that every marriagewill be solved, you know, through
working through this, but I thinkthat given a chance, you can learn
more about your marriage, learn moreabout what's happening, but better yet,
have more of a be able tohave more of that conversation of what's really
happening, and be able to expressyourself in a way where you can talk
(05:15):
about different key points, or atleast, you know, get your spouse
to agree to come to somebody likeme, like a coach or a therapist,
to be able to get some helpin having that conversation and opening the
line of communication so both of youcan freely talk without the other person shutting
the other person down or you know, interrupting or you know, leaving.
(05:38):
And so sometimes that's necessary to havethat medium in the room to basically be
there to help you and guide youinto some of these thoughts and allow everybody
to have a safe place to speak. But you know, it's interesting when
we look at the roomate situation forwhat it is and we begin to understand
it. You know, like whenI was talking about the concept of the
(05:58):
work wife, work husband. That'ssomething that you find a lot nowadays,
is that people you know, becausethere's an emotional distance, because there's an
emotional distance to some degree, andthat emotional distance is very real. You
know, it's interesting because eventually youhave to talk to somebody. Eventually there
has to be some communication. Eventuallythere has to be some you know,
(06:23):
communication between people and some communication emotionallywith people. And when you're not getting
that in a relationship, you're goingto be looking for that in other relationships.
It's just it's just the way thingsgo. It's just the way things
are. And so we definitely needto, you know, understand that people
are going to go outside if theydon't have that consistency or they don't have
(06:46):
that ability to confide or speak withtheir spouse. And I think that many
of you probably feel that way whereyou don't have that emotional connection anymore.
And maybe somebody you feel like younever had that emotional connection, like you
never had the ability to really talkabout the things that matter. Perhaps you
know your significant other was more emotionallyshut down or could not emotionally you know,
process things, And that could beinteresting too, because if somebody is
(07:11):
unable to emotionally process their own emotions, they are not going to be able
to process your emotions and that's goingto be challenging for them. And so
you will be looking for someone tocommunicate with or to talk about your emotions
in a certain way. And Ithink that's very important and it's very important
for us to analyze that. Andso a lot of times people walk out,
you know, or step out,or even not really step out,
they just emotionally kind of maneuver aroundand over time find someone that they can
(07:36):
communicate with. And usually they findsomeone who is also unable to really communicate
in their household and in their marriage, and so that forms a bond.
And so we hear about work wifeand work husband a lot, and you
know a lot of times people jokearound about that, but I think it's
very real. You know, Ithink it's very real because both of those
people are depending on that other personfor emotional support and they're not getting it
(08:00):
anywhere else, and so they're goingto need to lean on that person for
emotional support, lean on that personto be there for them. And that
is a very important aspect of life. And I think that's where we have
a lot of these emotional affairs whereyou know, people are talking to someone
else, they are, you know, opening their heart and burying their soul
to someone else. And I thinkthat's, you know, something that most
humans have to do. I thinkmost humans have to have that interaction.
(08:24):
And if they're not getting that,they're going to seek that somewhere else.
Just like if they were very spiritualbeings, then they weren't able to speak
about spirituality and their marriage. They'regoing to need to find some out,
some ability to communicate that to someoneelse. And that's very important understand,
and that's something that we have toreally get our brain around and see.
Okay, but you know the otherside of the coin is one person is
(08:46):
not going to be everything. Oneperson is not going to be everything to
you. So that is something thatwe really need to know. And also,
one person or any person for thatmatter, is not there to make
you happy. You know, wehave to make ourselves happy. We have
to also be there for ourselves invarious different ways. And also sometimes one
person is not going to be ableto be there for us in all different
(09:09):
ways. And so I really wantto make sure that we're looking at things
honestly. I want to really makesure that we're also you know, seeing
the value of what we have andbeing able to see what's missing honestly in
the marriage. Because until we reallyknow what's missing, we really can't fix
it. And until we acknowledge thosemissing pieces, we really can't do anything
(09:31):
about it. So it's up tous to really analyze the situation, to
see it for what it is,and to begin to proactively move forward with
some sort of solution based situation.So we've got to have some sort of
solution at some point, okay,And so I know that many of you
are looking for solution, But beforewe get into that, let's talk about
the problem. Because the problem orthe issue, or the situation, let's
(09:54):
just call it a situation, needsto be looked at and understood prior.
So when we look at a marriagethat's become more like the roommate situation,
we have to understand that that's youknow, it's kind of a mindset change,
and we have to understand that there'smany things that go along hand in
hand when that happens. And oneof the things that I find in a
(10:18):
roommate situation is that the conversations becomepretty boring and they become pretty dull.
Okay, So the conversations are nolonger very interesting or thought provoking. Instead
they're quite the opposite, and theycan be very dull, very boring,
and very different from maybe what yourconversations used to be in the beginning of
(10:39):
the relationship. And some of youmay say, hey, you know what,
I look back, and honestly,we really never had deep conversations.
And if that's the case, that'sthe case, and sometimes that's true for
people. It's like, you know, maybe you got married, was at
the moment in your life where yougot married and this person and y'all happen
to be in the same place atthe same time and it worked out,
and maybe there were some things missingthen, And so we have to take
(11:01):
into considerations some of those things aswell, because a lot of times we
might think that everything kind of fellby the wayside recently, and that might
not be the case. There mightbe certain things that were lacking in your
marriage from the very beginning. Nowsome of you may say, you know
what, that's that's not what happenedwith us. You know, the beginning
was great, you know, afew years in everything was good, you
know, and then all of asudden things started changing and waning, you
(11:22):
know, and all of a suddenit was almost like you couldn't identify the
marriage. And I know that someof you are probably there right now where
you're staying. How do we gethere? You know? How do we
get to this place? You know? How do we how do we get
here? What got us here?And And that's interesting too, to be
able to kind of look back andsee throughout the years, the changes and
augmentations. And I think many ofyou you know, may have had children
(11:43):
and have a family as well,and so that also was a part of
it, focusing on the kids,focusing on the family. You know,
careers and financial obligations and responsibilities alsoyou know, play a big part in
the day to day role and whathappens in the family dynamic. All these
things very important analyze and understand,and all these things really go a long
(12:03):
way for us to see how wego out there and if we can turn
back the hands of time to getback to where we need to go.
And it's not really about turning backthe hands of time, honestly, it's
about reinventing, you know, oneself, reinventing one's marriage. But I think
it's also about reinventing oneself because ittakes two people to reinvent themselves to really
(12:24):
begin to come together, as youknow, as a couple. And I
don't believe that two people become one. I think it's two people coming in
together in a union where it's twopeople in a union, not two people
become one. Because I think ifwe're becoming one, we're losing our identity,
we don't have our individuality. There'sa lot of codependent components there that
I don't find very healthy in anyrelationship. And that's also another thing that
(12:46):
could happen in a marriage is thatif you're losing your identity, you may
be you know, you may bequestioning the marriage because you're questioning who you
become because you're no longer who youwere. You're no longer you know the
individual that you felt like you were, and so you feel like you're losing
your edge, or you feel likeyou're out of control, or you're confused
as to where your life is heading. And that's some important information to take
(13:09):
in because if you're if you feellike you've lost your identity, you know
in this marriage, we're going tohave to be able to find that,
get that back, or develop itreally solidly at this point in your life
right now. In the meantime,don't change the channel. I got more
to talk about when it comes tothe roommate situation, really identifying this and
then offering some solutions as well,because solutions are very important, but we
(13:31):
want to pinpoint the situation, pinpointthe situation or the problem and really understand
what needs to be rectified, orat least what needs to be brought up
and talked about in a conversation tobegin the conversation about this situation. Stay
tuned Live your True Life Perspectives withme, your host, Ashley Burgess,
(13:52):
will be back in I'll be backthis time in two shakes. Turn it
up and jump in the deep endon Perspectives. Now here's Ashley. Welcome
(14:13):
back live to Literature Life Perspectives andI'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On
today's show, I'm identifying the roommatesituation in a marriage, when a marriage
has become the roommate situation, andunderstanding a lot of the symptoms and signs.
And you know, we talk aboutwork wife and work husband, and
a lot of us do that ina humorous way, but yet that is
one of the symptoms of being ina roommate situation where you're confiding in somebody
(14:37):
else, you know, your feelingsand emotions and they are doing the same.
And that can be very common placenowadays because people feel like as if
they can't communicate in their marriage,or maybe they felt like they never could
communicate in their marriage. And again, you know, I do stress the
fact that one person cannot be youreverything, and you should never think that
that's the case, and we actuallyhave to make ourselves happy. It's not
about that other person. But atthe same time, you know, there
(15:00):
are some symptoms and signs. Andbefore the break, I was talking about
how, you know, conversations havebecome pretty dull and boring. You know,
the fun seems to be sucked outof the room, you know what
I mean, It's not fun likeit used to be. And you find
some emotional distance between you and yourspouse, and I think many of you
two have been married for so long, there's a fear of sharing your thoughts.
(15:20):
There's a fear of sharing what you'regoing through. There's a fear of
sharing and how that person's going toreact, And that is a big fear,
you know, how somebody's going toreact to some of your feelings,
your thoughts. And maybe you've beenholding these theories and thoughts and feelings in
for very long and you just don'teven know what to do at this point,
(15:41):
and that can feel very overwhelming too. And I know that, you
know, going to a coach ortherapist can be very helpful. I work
with clients often on this situation alone, just being able to talk and prepare
and open up and prepare to havethose conversations. The longer we stay in
our head with stuff, the longeryou know, it becomes a problem,
the bigger the problem, the biggerthe issue, you know, and that
(16:03):
can really, you know, blowup, it can really blow up.
And so I think that that emotionaldistance over time is really created because of
that avoidance of conflict, and thatavoidance of conflict is big. Avoiding conflict
in the marriage, not wanting tohave conflict, not wanting to deal with
(16:26):
conflict, because most people don't likeconflict. And I think when people do
like conflict, that's kind of aproblem in and of itself. But most
people avoid conflict. They don't wantto have conflict. And so there might
be some resentment that's harbored from thingsthat have happened in the past, but
people don't want to talk about it. Maybe there's some things that you know,
one person wants to talk about,but they just you know, they're
(16:47):
just avoiding because they know that theother person is going to shut down or
do the silent treatment, or walkout or yell or freak out. And
so there's that fear of the responseand the fear of not being heard,
and on top of that, it'salso that fear of having that unneeded conflict
(17:07):
that nobody really wants to deal with. I think that there's so much stress
and anxiety and life already that we'realready dealing with all the stress. We're
already dealing with all this conflict,We're already dealing with all these issues and
those issues you know, in lifeoutside of the marriage, everything else is
like overwhelming enough that we don't wantto also deal with this as well.
And so I feel like a lotof the big issues get put on the
(17:29):
back burner, and a lot ofthe big issues are never talked about,
but they get bigger and bigger andbigger, you know, day after day,
year after year, and eventually something'sgot to give, right, Eventually,
something has to give. And Ithink that sometimes, you know,
that's when you know somebody blows theirtop, because you know, the fear
of what's going to happen eventually goesaway, and then there's a fear of
(17:53):
am I going to live in thislifestyle forever? Am I never going to
be able to speak my truth?What happens eventually, I'm going to have
to speak my truth, and sothat's always an interesting component. And so
when I returned on me talking moreabout the roommate situation, really understanding it,
really deep diving into it, andalso providing some solutions of things that
(18:15):
we can do to offset that,to be able to discuss, to at
least open the lines of communication,to be able to start the conversations.
Because that's what's so important, isthat eventually we have to say something.
We can't just stay in silence.And I think that that regret is a
big peace in life. You know, if we don't say how we feel,
(18:36):
what we don't understand how we feel, or we don't we're not able
to articulate. We kind of sitthere in silence, and we kind of
mesh and meld that around and marinatingthat and eventually just stresses us out.
So stay two. When I returned, were talking more about this don't change
the channel Liquorty Life Perspectives with yourhost met Asky Burgess will be back in
and be back to this time.You know it. In two shapes,
(19:07):
This is Jake Busey and you're listeningto Perspectives with Ashley Burges. Welcome back
live to Literature Life Perspectives, andI'm your host Ashley Burgess. On today's
show, we're talking about the roommatesituation and understanding if your marriage has become
the roommate situation. And it's notall about oh, we're not having sex,
we're not having intimacy. That isdefinitely a piece of the puzzle,
(19:29):
but there are other things that gohand in hand with the roommate situation.
And before the break, I've beentalking about how the fund seems to have
gone away, how the conversations havebecome more dull and boring, about how
there's emotional distance between you and yourspouse, and that fear of sharing,
and that fear of how they willreact when you share. You know,
I discussed the avoiding conflict concept aboutyou know, how we avoid the conflict,
(19:49):
we don't talk about what's bothering us, how we can be harboring resentment,
and how they can also create moreof a physical, mental, emotional
divide. But yes, now Iwant to jump into the sex component.
Where did the sex go? AndI think that's also a piece of it
too, Is that physical divide aswell, because eventually, you know,
our thoughts, you know, willdivide us, because our thoughts and feelings,
(20:11):
you know, are super real tous. And at the same point,
it's like that's going to eventually divideus in different ways as well.
And I know that some of youout there say, well, you know
what, I never had a reallysolid, you know, sexual relationship in
my marriage. And if that's thecase, you know, going into it,
you kind of realized that that wassomething that might not you know,
be at the level you wanted ittoo, but you offset it, you
(20:32):
allowed it to be because there wereother pieces of the puzzle in the relationship
that we're working for you. Andso you know, being able to be
honest too, because we need tohave an honest assessment, you know,
we need to have an honest assessmentabout the relationship. We need to have
an honest assessment about the beginning ofthe relationship and understanding what was working in
the beginning, what might not havebeen working very well in the beginning,
(20:55):
and better yet, you know,kind of looking at that type of thing
and saying, Okay, I realizedthat this wasn't work well. I realized
that wasn't working well. But thesepieces were working well. You know and
are these pieces still working well?And if they are great? If not,
then what needs to be changed?Or you know, have I changed
as an individual as far as whatI want in my life, as far
(21:15):
as what type of interaction and relationshipI want in my life? Is that
part of my reality? Do Ineed to accept that and see life a
certain way? And I think thatthese are very important things because again,
remember, the marriage is the marriage, right, and that's important in and
of itself, But the marriage isnot just the marriage. It's also two
(21:37):
different people, and two different peoplemake up the marriage. It would be
like two different people making up youknow, LLC a company, right,
You have two people coming together toform a company, right, and the
company acts together and does things togetherand moves together and works together. But
the two different people that come,they're not it's like they become person.
(22:00):
It's two different people. And sorealizing that again you are an individual dealing
with your own things, dealing withyour own stuff, you know, dealing
with your own problems, dealing inwith your own responsibilities, and those things
have to be recognized and realized.And those are very important aspects here that
we have that we need to alsorecognize and realize as well when we look
(22:21):
back at the sex, you know, and say, let's say that you
did have a really good sex lifein the very beginning of the relationship.
Okay, so what happened to it? You know? Is there a lot
of water under the bridge? Isthere a lot of things that you feel
a distance from that things have happened? Is there a way to open that
line of communication. We'll talk aboutthat, you know. And sometimes it's
interesting too. It's like, youknow, we find that people can,
(22:45):
you know, not only get distant, but also get physically distant. You
know, there's some people that canhave physical they can have sex, but
they're not very emotionally connected, youknow, So you looking at various different
sides of the coin. I'm notsaying not to you or to have,
but I'm saying that, you know, we have to look at it from
from various different areas. I alsobelieve that comparing our marriage to other people
(23:07):
is not a good idea because ifyou're comparing your marriage to another person's marriage,
you really don't know what you're comparingyour marriage too. And I really
want to stress that because I thinkthat a lot of people do that and
they don't really know at all whatthe other person's dealing with. They're only
seeing what they see, what theywant to see, the version they see,
(23:30):
the version they feel that they see. They're coloring it in a certain
way. Either they're based on theirtheir feeling of lack and that can happen
too. It's just like it's veryinteresting, you know, when you go
out to dinner with folks and andyou listen to them talk, and it's
interesting to you know, try tofigure out what kind of marriage they have.
But it's like that's just futile becauseyou really never know. I mean,
(23:51):
most people put on, you know, a game face or most people.
You know, it's just it's notnecessarily the way you see it.
And also it can be smoked mirrorsbased on how you want to interpret that
marriage and maybe the things that youfeel are lacking and the things that you
think that that maybe they have orthat that marriage in particular possesses different from
your own marriage. And these arethings that really need to be discussed.
(24:14):
You know, these are deep conversationsthat most people never have. They just
don't they don't want to discuss it, you know, they don't want to
deal with it. They don't wantto feel it, they don't want to
think about it, they don't wantto have any issue with it. They
just want to go through life anddeal with it and you know, and
keep getting that medal of honor foroh wow, we were married for another
year. Oh wow, we weremarried for another year. And that's great.
I mean, I understand marriage.I've been married for a while.
(24:36):
I understand that. But I thinkeventually sometimes we get into that whole rat
race of counting, counting the yearsinstead of really working to make the stuff
in the in between that really workout in the marriage. And that's something
that we really need to analyze andthink about. You know, when I
was talking earlier about you know,confiding in others, you know, having
(24:59):
that work husband, that work life, that's very important as well. It's
another you know, symptom of theroommate situation. Again, though I stress
that, you know, your spousecan't be your one and only person in
your life. You have to beoutside friends and family and co workers and
you know, best friends and allthat stuff. They can really help make
our life a bit more meaningful andinteresting. So it's not just the only
(25:22):
person. So I don't find problemin that by itself. I mean,
we were looking at a lot ofthese together. It's not just one symptom,
it's multiple symptoms that really create theroommate situation. You know. Another
symptom is that living that different life, you know, living different lives really,
you know, having trouble kind ofmeshing the lives together, you know,
kind of almost going in two differentdirections. And a lot of times
(25:45):
that can go hand in hand withnot having joint plans for the future,
or not seeing the future together ornot thinking about the future together. And
that that can be a big piecetoo. And I think that's because when
somebody's looking for themselves or they're wonderor they're questioning their future, those types
of things. Also another point islike you know, you feel like you
have nothing to talk about, andthat can be hard too. And sometimes
(26:11):
this can be because you know,you've been together as long as you have.
You know, sometimes many of youthat are empty nesters after the kids
have left for college or school ormoved out on their own or got married
or whatever happened with them. Youknow, that can be an overwhelming process
too, is that you wake upone day and it's just you and your
spouse, and you're like, oh, what happened here? What's going on
(26:32):
here? You know, how didI get here? You know? What
do I do next? You know? Where do I go from here?
And these are really deep questions,and these are questions that you really have
to, you know, honestly,you know, get introspective on and think
about that, because these things canmake you really question, you know,
a thirty year marriage. You cansit there and say, why did I
(26:52):
get married? Why am I here? Now? What have I done?
What got me here? You know? What am I dealing with? And
what can I do to augment orchange the situation? And I feel like
this is really important because I thinkmany people go through this. I think
many of us are dealing with thison a day to day basis. You
know, I have so many clientsto talk about it, and you know,
they said, you know, hey, I just don't even know what
(27:14):
to do anymore. You know,I have these thoughts in my head and
I don't know what to say ordo. And I feel like if I
bring it up, you know,I'm going to cause pain and suffering.
I don't want to upset anybody.I don't want to rock the boat.
I don't want to make anybody mad. And so therefore, you know,
we have you know, these issues, you know that are playing a role,
and that fear of discussing how wefeel. And I think that's really
(27:37):
important to understand and to think about. How do we begin to not only
you know, voice our opinion ina positive way, but also be open
to other people's opinion and be opento the other person's way of thinking and
be open to finding solution. Andso how do we begin to turn the
(27:59):
roommate situation around? How do webegin to do that? And I think
that a lot of times, bythe time that we've acknowledged the fact that
we are in a roommate situation,it's probably been quite a while. It's
probably been a long time. It'sprobably not just been a couple of days.
It's probably not just been you know, Okay, yeah, I just
realized this. You know, thingschanged yesterday. Now. I think it's
(28:21):
probably been maybe several years, youknow, you know, average average client
that comes to me that's dealing withthis, it's been several years that this
has been going on, and they'rejust now kind of not only acknowledging the
fact, but it's gotten painful.It's started to get painful for them.
It's starting to get painful as faras you know, feeling unfulfilled, that
(28:45):
unfulfilled feeling where it's like, Okay, is this all there is? You
know? Is this it? Youknow? Do I just have to prepare
for this? It? Is thisall there is? And that's a big
that's a big question. Is thisall there is? You know? And
that's what a lot of people wonder. And then they get to a point
where they go, you know what, I don't think it is. Maybe
there's more than this. What doI do? How do I begin to
(29:07):
look for that? But first off, you know, how do I do
what's right in this situation and moveforward the right way? Because I think
that's important too, is to beable to analyze and say, Okay,
hey, I've been in this marriagefor this long. What can I do
to see if I can move thingsforward in a positive way. If I
can move things in a positive way, you know, move the pendulum in
(29:27):
a positive way, and feel reallygood at least about being honest and being
truthful about my feelings. At leastbeing honest and being truthful of what I
needed to talk about. And youknow, because I think that once you
fall into these patterns, it's hardto get out of it because it becomes
a program. Right, It's aprogram. It's a program, a constant
(29:51):
program that we're you know, thatwe're dealing with, and it becomes are
what our new normal. You know, a lot of people were talking about
how COVID was normal, but comeon, we're talking to how the marriage,
you know, situation has become thenew normal. And it's we accept
all this stuff and we kind of, you know, slowly thinks make get
worse or worse or harder to dealwith, but it's not that bad,
it's not that painful. But eventuallyone day you kind of wake up and
(30:14):
go, wait a second, howdid I get here? And I think
the first thing that we can beginto do is to begin to start our
own journal and thinking about what isimportant to me, What is important to
me? What do I want outof this life? You know, what
is it that I want to doin this lifetime? What is it that
I want to experience in this lifetime? And you know, can I do
(30:37):
that with this other person? CanI do that with this other person?
In the state of mind or whatthey're doing right now. Can I do
this in the state of mind thatI'm in right now? That's a big
question. These are very very bigquestions. Can I do that in the
state of mind I'm in right now? And it's important to ask that question,
you know. I think also too, it's like, you know,
(30:59):
what is it that you want toachieve? What is it that you want
to achieve? Really really think aboutthis, really really digesting this, really
really go deep into this, becauseI think that the deeper you go into
this, the more you can beginto understand and reveal important things to yourself
that you might not even know areimportant to you, you might not even
(31:22):
know are very special to you.Because I believe that our goals and our
pursuits are very important to understand.And in any relationship, you know,
whether it's a marriage or a friendship, or a family dynamic or even a
business, we have to know thedirection that we want to go in.
We have to understand that direction.We have to understand what's important to us.
You know, what ignites that youknow, passion flame that direction that
(31:45):
we want to attain, Because Ithink nobody wants to deal with regret in
their life. Nobody wants to feelregret or deal with regret, and so
this is something that does need tobe discovered and thought about, and can
this be tackled, you know,in a positive way in this marriage and
being in this marriage. I thinkanother thing that's important is also obviously communication.
(32:06):
Communication is key, and being ableto open the line of communication is
very important. And being able toopen that line of communication, being able
to open that and communicate in away that makes sense, and you know
that communication is so valuable and we'reable to communicate instead of closing down,
you know, instead of closing down, instead of disengaging, being able to
(32:30):
you know, communicate in a positiveway, being able to talk in a
positive way, at least being ableto either be positive or neutral in our
talk. But also have that strategyof Okay, I'm not going to be
too defensive in my response, I'mnot going to be angry to what the
other persons saying. I'm going toat least be able to listen. And
(32:52):
that can be really tough and challenging, and it can be hard for us
to also articulate how we're feeling ina situation as well, and fear that
that other person and fear that thatother person is going to make judgment,
or in fear that that other personis going to be upset or angry or
dismissive or avoidant, and all thesethings are very important. All these things
(33:15):
are interesting to understand because I thinkthis is how we go down that slippery
slope. But this is how thesethings happen, you know, this is
how we fall into these pitfalls,is we stop communicating, we stop having
that conversation. And sometimes that conversationyou've tried to have that conversation in the
(33:35):
past, but you were unable tohave it and you might shut down again,
or you've tried it again and thatother person was not listening, and
so there's various things. Or maybeyou try to have a conversation but you
couldn't get out what out of yourmouth what you wanted to talk about,
and so again, these are thingsthat we need to think about. And
I think sometimes it's best, youknow, if we feel that way or
we're having trouble being able to havemaybe a third party that can help to
(33:59):
facilitate an environment where everybody's heard,to facilitate an environment where everybody feels heard,
where everybody can communicate and communicate theirtruth in a way that makes sense,
but in a safe way, butalso in a way where everybody can
hear one another. And it's hardthough. You know, when you've been
married to somebody for very long,you know there's a lot of fear.
(34:20):
There's a lot of fear of abandonment. There's also, you know, a
lot of fear of how that personis going to take what you have to
say. And also the other wayaround is listening to what that person is
saying and in allowing that to betoo is challenging. I mean, it's
a lot easier when you're dealing witha friend or someone you haven't known that
long, but somebody that you've knownvery long and you've had a committed relationship
too can be challenging. So staytune and I return. I'm giving you
(34:43):
more tips and tricks on how todeal with this and how to overcome this,
or at least how to begin toopen the lines of communication, live
your true life perspectives with your hostme Askeley Burgers will be back in I'll
be back this time in two shapes. Get in here. You're listening to
(35:10):
perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Welcome backLive to Literature Life Perspectives, and I'm
your host, Ashley Burgess. Ontoday's show, I've been talking about the
roommate situation and understanding that with regardsto a marriage and how to understand if
we are in the roommate situation.And you know, in the last segment
we've been talking about solutions, waysof overcoming this, ways of moving forward,
(35:34):
things to be able to open ourminds to. And I think one
of the biggest thing is understanding what'simportant to you, like, what is
it that you want to achieve inyour life? What do you want to
do? What are the main importantpieces that you want to do in your
life? And that is so valuableto me to understand because then you have
to look around and say, isthis helpful to what I want to do?
You know, is this going tobe supportive? And we need to
(35:55):
talk about that. Understand where eachdirection of each person is, the direct
action each person is going in,and very very much understand the goals of
each person, but very much understandingthe goals that you have, and that'll
really understand that'll really help you tounderstand and process kind of things that you
need to do, but not onlythat, but also understanding the environment you
need to be in, the inthe steps that you need to take to
(36:15):
make that a reality. You know, the next step is that communication,
opening that communication, not closing down, not disengaging, you know, not
avoiding. And this can be hardin any marriage. It's hard because time
is time, and the longer you'rewith somebody, the harder. It is
(36:36):
a lot of time to really statehow you feel, to be honest with
your feelings, to tell them whatyou're thinking. It can be very,
very hard, and it can bevery challenging. And that's something that you
know a lot of people battle with, is I want to be there,
I want to be transparent, butyet I'm worried as to how the other
(36:58):
person is going to respond or takethe information, or deal with the information,
or understand the information, and thatthat can clearly be an issue.
And so a lot of times peoplewill come to you know, using a
coach or a therapist like myself.You know, as a coach, I
really work on, you know,really being able to listen to each person,
asking the right questions, really interpretingcertain things. But but beginning with
(37:22):
actually working with the individual, becausethe individual is where this starts. It's
not just a marital thing. Thisis an individual thing. And being able
to understand your goals and desires andhow you feel and what you're going through
and then being able to kind ofput together the pieces and understanding that marriage
piece, and that can be veryimportant to understand, you know. I
also feel too that the unseaid thingsare the worst things in a marriage.
(37:46):
Is that there's a lot of peoplethat leave you know, it's it's they
stack things, you know, andthey don't talk about it. They don't
discuss some of the things. AndI think things that are left on said
can bring a lot of pain andsuffering because it's like you wish that you
would have said it, You wishyou would have discussed it. You wish
you would have had that discussion.You wish you would have been able to
(38:07):
communicate that. And I think nowmore than ever, we don't want to
have much regret in our life.Instead, we want to have quite the
opposite. And so I feel thatif there's something that's being left unset and
something that you need to vocalize,it's probably the time to vocalize it.
It's probably the time to have thatconversation. It's probably the time to at
least begin to open up the linesof communication. You know. The last
(38:29):
couple of things that I want totalk about is that, you know,
we want to achieve our goals inour own personal life, and we want
to achieve our goals and our marriagegoals. We want to achieve our life
goals, and these are important.Really think about what those goals are,
you know. Also think about aretheir goals that you two can have in
common as well? Are there thingsthat you two can do together, things
that you can do together as commongoals. And then, last but not
(38:51):
least, remembering that other person cannotmake you happy. They can bring joy
to your life, they can bringa smile to your face. They you
know, but it's not about themmaking you happy. It's about you making
you happy. And what is itthat you need to do to make yourself
happy? And that's very important.And I feel that the roommate situation,
you know, it's really two peoplemost often that are kind of going in
(39:15):
different directions and then trying to processthe emotions of the marriage. And I
think that you know, together thiscan be a real challenge. I mean,
together, there can be so muchthat you're dealing with, so much
that you're having to go through,and that to me is a big is
a big eye opener and something thatwe all need to deal with, and
so definitely beginning with you and lookingat you and deciding, now, what
(39:36):
is it that I need to workon on my own, What is it
that I need to work on withmyself, What are the things that I
want to do in my life?And then what are the things that I
want to work on in my marriage? What do I want from my marriage?
What do I want from this union? Also, how do we have
those big conversations? Because the morewe're able to communicate and the more closer
we're able to get, the betterthe union is. And sometimes those are
the well, the not so funcommunication and sometimes the things that we don't
(40:00):
want to talk about, those arethe uncomfortable conversations. And sometimes those uncomfortable
conversations can be some of the mostenlightened conversations and the most life changing conversations
that we can ever have. Inthe meantime, if you haven't already,
check out the YouTube channel or youknow, and also check out the website
Ashley Burgess dot com. And youknow we have video content up every single
(40:22):
almost every single day on YouTube,and so check that out when you get
a chance to check up YouTube andput in Ashley ber Gees or go to
YouTube and put in life Coach AshleyBurgess. There'll be next another show coming
up soon and in the meantime,I hope this show has helped you.
Please share with any family or friendsthat you think need to hear the message.
Leave your true life perspectives with yourhost me. Ashley Burgess will be
(40:43):
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