April 15, 2025 • 32 mins
Ever feel like you're your own worst enemy? Like every time things start going right, you somehow find a way to mess it up? In this episode, we’re getting real about self-sabotage—what it is, why we do it (even when we don’t realize it), and how to finally break the cycle.
From procrastination to perfectionism, we’ll unpack the sneaky ways we hold ourselves back and dive into simple, actionable strategies to stop the spiral. Whether you're stuck in a loop of quitting too soon, overthinking, or playing small, this episode is your permission slip to change the narrative and start showing up for yourself—for real this time.
Mental Health is a Lifestyle Podcast with Andrea Wise-Brown, is where we discuss practical strategies for managing mental health and wellbeing. Thank you for listening to this episode of Mental Health is a Lifestyle Podcast. We hope you found these practical tips helpful and encourage you to continue prioritizing your mental health and wellness.
If you have any questions or suggestions for future episodes, please email us at mhialpodcast@gmail.com.
See you next time!
Find Andrea: awisebrown.com
Follow The Podcast At @mentalhealthisalifestylepod Mhialpodcast@gmail.com I want to know your opinions…….
In addition; if you have any questions that you want answered on the podcast send your request to mhialpodcast@gmail.com or inbox me @mentalhealthisalifestylepod
Remember, Mental health is a Lifestyle!®️😘
From procrastination to perfectionism, we’ll unpack the sneaky ways we hold ourselves back and dive into simple, actionable strategies to stop the spiral. Whether you're stuck in a loop of quitting too soon, overthinking, or playing small, this episode is your permission slip to change the narrative and start showing up for yourself—for real this time.
Mental Health is a Lifestyle Podcast with Andrea Wise-Brown, is where we discuss practical strategies for managing mental health and wellbeing. Thank you for listening to this episode of Mental Health is a Lifestyle Podcast. We hope you found these practical tips helpful and encourage you to continue prioritizing your mental health and wellness.
If you have any questions or suggestions for future episodes, please email us at mhialpodcast@gmail.com.
See you next time!
Find Andrea: awisebrown.com
Follow The Podcast At @mentalhealthisalifestylepod Mhialpodcast@gmail.com I want to know your opinions…….
In addition; if you have any questions that you want answered on the podcast send your request to mhialpodcast@gmail.com or inbox me @mentalhealthisalifestylepod
Remember, Mental health is a Lifestyle!®️😘
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This podcast is not a substitute for our relationship with
your mental health professional. Hey hey, hey, family, Welcome back
to another episode of The Mental Health Is a lifestyle
podcast with your girl, Andrea wise Brown. Family. I'm excited
(00:26):
to be back here again with you again this week,
and I have something good to share with you and listen.
If you have not joined the family as of yet,
please do so. Do it right now. Doesn't cost you
a thing. All you have to do is subscribe by
clicking that button, subscribe to the podcast, like the podcast,
(00:49):
and share the podcast. Oh and if you feel froggy okay,
then please jump and put a comment down under the
podcast on YouTube so that I can know your thoughts.
What are your thoughts on this particular episode or any
other episode, or if you have a question, please put
(01:12):
it down. Or if maybe what I'm speaking about today
resonates with you in some way or another, tell me
about it. I really want to know, put it down
in the comments. All right, family, So this week I
am going to ask you a question, because we are
going to jump right into it. The question is are
(01:34):
you self sabotaging you from your dreams, from your wants,
from the things that you need from your desires. Are
you not living and actualizing your full potential but instead
(01:56):
self sabotaging? Hmmm, it's a question. Family, I want you
to ask yourself, because sometimes self sabotage is a conscious
thing where you actually know, Like Yeph, you know, every
time I get a good thing, I know I know
how to mess it up. I know that I self
sabotage myself. You know, people have said that to me before,
(02:18):
people who actually come to see me, you know, at
my practice. But even outside of that, just you know, friends,
family members, you know what I'm saying that I kick
it with, Well, say to me, I got self sabotaging
down pack. So some people are aware it's in their conscious,
but many more people have it in their subconscious, like
(02:40):
they really are not aware that they are self sad,
that they are sabotaging themselves. They are getting, in their
own way from moving closer to the goals that they
have or to moving closer to actualizing the dreams that
they desire. So we get ready to look at our today, family,
(03:01):
I want you to ask yourself. Do I self sabotage? Hmmm?
You know? And is it in my conscious or is
it in my subconscious we I'm not even aware of it.
I'm just moving along life, just tripping over my own
feet just to hold myself back. And I know that
might sound crazy, but it's really not crazy. It's more
(03:24):
normal than you can even imagine. So here are some
ways that we as human beings. Okay, I say what
we are is we are spiritual beings having a human
existence here on this earth. So we just we're having
a human existence, and in doing so, sometimes we get
(03:48):
caught up in some dysfunctional behavior. But today I'm going
to give you certain ways that we do self sabotage.
So I'm gonna ask you do you procrastinate a lot?
And they have different reasons for procrastination. But one reason
that we procrastinate sometimes is because we see the dream,
(04:09):
we see what we want, and maybe there's some fear
that comes up. People drag our feet and not actually
go as hard as we know that we need to go,
or be as consistent with trying to actualize our dream
because we know that's what we should do. But instead,
(04:29):
because of fear, we drag our feet, we procrastinate, We
self sabotage, hold ourselves back. Do you have this idea
of perfectionism, because sometimes perfectionism is a form of self
sabotage where we feel like, ugh, I'm not going to
do it, because if it's not perfect, then I'm just
(04:52):
not doing it. Like it needs to be perfect, so
we keep imagining that this whole thing needs to be perfect,
it needs to be perfect. I'm not putting it out
there because if such and such sees it and says
whatever about me? Or if such and such looks at
it and says whatever about me, or if it doesn't
get as the many amount of likes that it needs
to have, or doesn't make a big boom, you know,
(05:14):
if it's not perfect, if maybe the vocabulary isn't perfect,
if the writing isn't perfect, then I'm just not going
to do We hold ourselves back instead of living the
human experience. Humans make mistakes. No one's perfect. We all
(05:34):
make mistakes. Do it anyway, Just do it to the
best of your ability. Just do it anyway. Perfectionism perfectionism
is a form of self sabotage. Another one is, oh
my gosh, picking fights and good relationships. So do you
know people who will pick fights in good relationships? You know,
(05:59):
you know, I've seen people before, but I've also had
clients before. Well, let's just say everything you know in
this relationship is nice and kind. You got loving people,
You got kind people, and both people in the relationships
are doing the best that they know how to do.
(06:19):
But then there's one person in the relationship because of
the state of their anxiety, they will self sabotage the
relationship by picking fights over silly things. You know, they
both came home after work and one of them will
just see, maybe I don't know addition to sink, and
(06:40):
because there's addition to sink, but when this one person
left out there there was no dishes, they're gonna cause
some kind of riff or some issue or an argument
about the dish in the sink. I mean, like, have
you seen that family causing picking fights in a relationship?
Or I will say this fights in a good relationship.
(07:02):
Like you know, if one person wants wants the place
to look one way, you know what I'm saying, like
a decoration or decorated in a certain way, designed in
a certain way, but then it's just a little bit
off from what the other person is familiar with. Instead
of them being open and accepting of the other person's
(07:22):
needs and wants to and you know, engaging in a
healthy compromise. Instead of that, they pick a fight because
it should be what they believe it should be the
way they want it to be. That's not healthy. But
picking fights in a good relationship. In this relationship, there's
(07:44):
no infidelity, everybody's working, the money's fine, the sex is fine.
But yet and still there's a person in this relationship
that will pick fights just because self sabotage. Get in front,
tripping over your own feet because of some faulty belief
(08:05):
that maybe you can't be in a healthy relationship. Maybe
you know what I'm saying, there's some deep rooted issues
or a deep rooted belief that all of your relationships
that you will be in will be horrible, that they'll
be unhealthy. You know that they will eventually hurt you.
So insand what you do is you just picking fights
(08:27):
in a good relationship just because self sabotage. Another one
is negative self talk. So always walking around and in
every situation you're talking to yourself negatively. This thing is
not gonna work. I'm not really gonna make this thing
(08:49):
work because it's you know, after a while, you know
me getting up at this time is not gonna work
for me, or this is really not going to fit
in my schedule, or you know, I can't really see
myself doing this for a long time, or you know,
I've never really been good at this, so why would
I be good at this now, you know? Or nobody's
gonna like it, nobody's gonna watch it, nobody's gonna listen.
(09:09):
Negative self talk is a form of self sabotage. So
there were some forms of self sabotage, but family, we
getting rid of that. We getting rid of all of
that today. But before I tell you how, you may
be wondering why. You know, and I kind of mentioned
(09:30):
some of the why. But why is it, Andria, why
is it that I trip over my own feet? Why
do I stop myself from actualizing my goals, from rising
to my full potential? Well, I'm gonna tell you why.
Here are some reasons why. The first one is a
fear of failure. So a lot of times, you know, people,
(09:51):
you others, we don't go after our dreams because there's
a fear that's inside of us that says we're gonna fail.
And I don't want to fail. So even though there
may be a clear plan, I may really want this,
(10:11):
but that fear of failure is holding me back, so
you just decide you're just not going to do it.
And sometimes fear of failure comes from you growing up
in a family system where failure was normal, where everyone
around you was failing, where everyone in your community what
(10:34):
you saw, you saw them as failures. Got me. So
since that was your belief, is that people around me fail.
I am a part of that people, I am a
part of the culture. Then eh, it's inevitable. I'm probably
going to fail too. You may have a little glimmer
of hope you know, to God in you that says, well,
(10:54):
this is a good dream. This is something that you
should go after. You should feel hopeful about trying to
actualize it. It could work potentially, But the fear of
failure or the belief of failure is so much larger
than that that it overshadows the hope. And so that
fear of failure is what keeps you self sabotaging. Another
(11:18):
one is imposter syndrome. Family. Have you or anyone else
that you've known, been in a position of success. I
hear this a lot from people who are really, really
successful that sometimes they kind of look around or the
look they look at their bank account, or they'll look
at like the position the name that's on their door,
(11:41):
or they'll they'll look at maybe maybe some accolades that
they've just gotten. And when they start to think about it,
they start to get anxiety because there's this fear that
comes up where they're like, oh, my gosh, this title
or this amount of money is so much bigger than me,
and the people around me may see who I am.
(12:03):
So they start to concentrate on maybe some of their
faults or maybe some of their humble their story from
their humble beginnings. So it's kind of like, oh, I
need to put on a face or an air or
I need to be something other than who I really
am in order to hold up this title or to
keep getting in this money, or to keep being respected.
(12:25):
You know, impostor syndrome, Like I'm an impostor here. This
is not my real self and I don't want anybody
else to know because they may take it away. I'm
here to tell you, family, God created you to be amazing.
God created you to be abundant. God created you to
be prosperous. So anytime those thoughts come up, which are
(12:47):
negative thoughts, please excuse them because that is not true.
Screw impostera syndrome. This is yours. All the things that
you desire are waiting for you. That they're doing just that, honey,
They are waiting for you. You are the only one
who's stopping you. Screw what anybody else thinks. Screw it,
(13:14):
because let me tell you something, Once you're in alignment
with what God has for you, no one can stop you.
I don't care where you've come from. I don't care
what people believe about you. It is yours and you
need to stand and you need to claim it because
what is for you no one else can take away.
(13:34):
So I rebuke impossa syndrome. But imposta syndrome is one
of the wise as to why people's self sabotage, why
you start tripping over your own feet, why you hold
yourself back from being great? Who cares your story? I
don't care how humbling your story was. I don't care
(13:55):
about what kind of mistakes you've made, does not matter.
That's what propels you to where you are, to where
you are where you're questioning you know, is this too big? No? No, no, honey,
it's not big enough, okay, because God has something even
bigger for you. As long as you live and you breathe, honey,
the next day is another opportunity to get bigger. So
(14:17):
we are rebuking imposta syndrome. Another thing is the unconscious beliefs,
unconscious beliefs that we are not enough, that you are
not enough, that this is too much for you, that
this is too big for you. Lies, lies, lies. So
if I believe that my dreams are too big for me,
I'm going to self sabotage. I'm gonna do little things
(14:39):
whether it's unconscious or conscious, that's going to hold me back.
It's gonna hold me to the story, to the beliefs,
the stories that I'm telling myself. So that's another reason why.
Oh and then some people, this is one they have.
They find comfort in chaos. This is a thing. This
(15:00):
is a way to self sabotage. So do you know people,
because I know people who every everything is going well,
every single thing is going well, but they will create
a chaotic situation out of a peaceful situation, and everybody
that's around them is sitting here looking like well, everything
(15:23):
was just like what happened, and this follows them everywhere
they go. So it's not just this one situation, like
it happens over and over and over again in all
these different situations. But it's that same person that's causing chaos,
you know. It's it's that same friend or person. And
(15:44):
I'm thinking of a man that's in my mind, and
every place that he goes, I don't care if it's
a party, if it's a luncheon, if it's a dinner,
if it's to the movies, to the mall, like, there's
always some kind to fight that ensues, and he's right
in the middle of it. And then if you go
(16:05):
and you ask him, well, what happened? You know what what?
Because it's like, why is it just following you? Well,
let's say it's not following you at you, okay, But
then when you ask them, they have all these reasons
about how this person was disrespectful, this person looked at
them this way, this person you'd rubbed up against the
back of him, and they was really trying to disrespect
(16:27):
When you're walking around with that chip on your shoulder
because you are so used to chaos that you do
not find comfort in peace, which comes from childhood trauma,
being in a family system that was always chaotic, and
(16:49):
it makes you feel safe. So you repeat that over
and over again so that you continue to feel safe.
You repeat the chaotic, the dis functional behavior over and
over again so that it feels comfortable for you, because
that is what you know. Because when things are calm
(17:10):
and peaceful, it raises your anxiety. You don't know what
to do. You don't feel safe, and this is another
way that you self sabotage. So as you are moving
along in peace, in alignment, it feels weird. I gotta
create some chaos so that it distracts me. You're not
thinking about everybody else in a situation that you may
(17:33):
be holding back to from them but extualizing their desires.
But know you're just thinking about yourself self preservation. Let
me find some chaos, or at least create some chaos.
Do you know those people? I know some people who
are like that too. And another why, and this is
the last why before I actually give you the formula
(17:55):
what we're gonna do the steps. But the other why
could be you need need to have a sense of control,
because you feel like if I don't have control, then
I need to ruin it be for anybody else does,
so that could come into chaos if you're thinking that, oh,
(18:17):
if I'm in this chaotic situation or this peaceful situation,
and because you're so used to chaos because of your
family of origin trauma, because of your childhood trauma, you're
so used to it. Your anxiety is how you want
to know where it is. But what you've decided to
do is, Uh, instead of me waiting on somebody else
to create the chaos, I'm gonna go ahead and do
it myself so that I can be in control of it.
(18:40):
So I know how big it needs to be, so
I know when it needs to start and when it
needs to stop, and then I know how to get
in and I know how to get out. You want
to control the situation, so you ruin it before anyone
else does. Or let's go back to that relationship. So
you're in a relationship that seems to be pretty healthy.
(19:00):
It's pretty calm, it's pretty peaceful. There has been I
told you, there's no infidelity. Everybody's paying bills, everybody's pitching in.
You kind of have a good time when you hang out.
You're living in peace. But because of maybe some traumatic
situations that you've been in prior, or some dysfunctional relationships
(19:21):
that you've been in prior. You feel like, uh, you
know what, let me go ahead and ruin this before
somebody else does so, before he leaves, let me leave,
before she leaves. Let me leave before he cheats, or
before she cheats. Let me cheat. You're trying to maintain control,
(19:41):
self sabotaged family, You're pulling yourself down before you can
actually actualize your dreams. But we ain't doing that, Nope,
because your girl is here, because I'm getting ready to
challenge you and give you some steps that's going to
get you back on the right path. Okay, so we're
(20:02):
just gonna start off with number one. Hey, family, come
on over here, because I have something for you. Starting
off with a go to guide for keeping your minds
healthy and strong. This right here is the Bible to
Mental Health. It's your mental health Bible. The name of
(20:25):
it is six Pillars to power up your mind and
make mental health a lifestyle. Everything that you need to
know about keeping your minds healthy and strong is in
this go to guide. Where you get it from? Will
you get it from awisebrown dot com backslash shop. But
(20:46):
guess what, you don't have to go anyplace else to
look for you aromatherapy because your girls got you. Okay,
you can get some aromatherapy here. This is a roma
therapy is in this candle. This is called a slice
of happiness. It makes me tingle like literally makes me
(21:07):
tingle a slice of happiness. This is a cruelty free
candle with no parabins, no formaldehyde, and no known suspected carcinogenics. Now,
this one smells delicious and it's good for you, made
with essential oils. It's a soy candle, all right, y'all.
(21:28):
And oh, I'm a part of you. You're a part
of me. We are a family. We got hoodies now,
and these are UNUS sex hoodies and they wear well,
they wash well, and they feel so good. So you
can wear them over your clothes, you know what I'm saying,
and look dope. Or you can wear them as your
clothes with nothing under them, which I like to do often.
(21:50):
And when you travel everywhere, I mean every time I
wear them, I'm moving around, people are always asking me
whether I'm traveling, going to the supermarket, what's that, who's that?
And I'm like, mental health is a lifestyle because see
this is on the back. Okay, they come in white
and they come in black. I'm like, join the family.
Mental health is a lifestyle podcast. So there you go. Family.
(22:11):
Don't you ever say then, I ain't give you nothing.
You get all of these things from awisebrown dot com
backslash shop. All right, I got your goods. I got you.
You don't have to go into place else. I'll see
you on the other side. I want you to work
(22:32):
on rewiring your thoughts. Rewiring your thoughts. So in these
certain situations, let's just use the last one. When you
feel like you don't have control and everything is peaceful
and you're hanging out with your friends, or you're in
this relationship and the fear and the thoughts of what
happened to you when the past comes up, whether it's
(22:54):
your family system or in old relationships, be aware of
your thoughts because when you get ready to go into
action with this chaos, okay, then I want you to
ask yourself, what am I thinking? What is the story
that I'm telling myself? And if that story right then
(23:17):
in that moment is not one hundred percent true for
that current situation, it is time for you to rewire
those thoughts. Let's reframe them. So you say to yourself, well, know,
everything's good here. I have nothing to be afraid of.
(23:38):
Let me just relax and accept what is and go
with the flow. And even if something kicks up, I
am still going to be okay. You got to find
a mantra and you have to read why your thoughts.
Number two, I want you to set small goals, all
(24:00):
little steps to your goal. When you know you're thinking
about moving towards your dreams or your desires, and then
you get that whole fear of perfectionism, like, oh my gosh,
that need to be perfect, and it's overwhelming because it
needs to be perfect, and so you procrastinate and you
do those things. What I want you to do is
(24:21):
set small goals, so even when the fear comes up
and you start rewiring your thoughts, you have a bunch
of little goals that you're just achieving one by one.
You know, I always tell my clients I ask them,
I ask them, how do you eat an elephant? And
then I give them the answer one bite at a time.
(24:44):
Stop worrying about the big picture, about it being perfect.
What The outcome is get your goal in mind, get
your desires in mind, know where you're going, and then
come on back to where you are in the present
and set little small goals to over little by little
little bites, and soon that elephant will be gone. Number three.
(25:08):
Going through the process as you're rewiring your thoughts. When
those negative thoughts come up, I want you to treat
yourself as you would treat your child, or treat yourself
as you would treat one of your best friends. You
hear what I say. So if you and your child
were walking down the street, okay, and your child was
(25:30):
just jumping up and down and playing on the sidewalk
as children do, and all of a sudden, your child
was to fall and scrape her or his little leg,
and let's just say it was a little girl, your daughter.
She was a scrape her little leg on the sidewalk.
What would you say? And family, I'm rooting on you
because I'm hoping that you have the healthy mindset that
(25:54):
if you had a little girl and she was three
or four years old, and she fell and she scraped
her doing what children do, you would comfort her. You
would say to her, my love, oh my gosh, I
am so sorry that that happened to you. You know,
I could understand why you were jumping around and you
were playing, and I get it. But baby, next time,
(26:17):
I want you to be a little more careful. So
let's take care. Let's address your wound. Baby, how are
you feeling okay? And you address the wound and then
you tell okay. So now let's get back up and
let's start walking again, and you can even jump around
and play again. But let's learn from the mistake that
you made the last time. You'd give her unconditional love
(26:41):
and you'd support her. That's what I want you to
do for you. And let me tell you something, Family
number four. If you find difficulty in doing any of
these things, please find you a therapist. Find you a
good therapist who can help you process how to do
these things and process your trauma, process your childhood trauma
(27:05):
or maybe trauma that you've experienced before this moment. If
you really want to know what is holding you back
from actualizing your dreams, if you really want to know
why you continue to self sabotage specifically, then please find
you a good therapist. And in an older episode, I
(27:27):
actually give you the steps to how to find a
good therapist. So just scroll up, find that episode, listen,
and then actualize it so that you can peel back
the layers. They can help you peel back the layers
to your trauma and you can you can get get
it out, face it, bring it to the light so
(27:48):
that it you can you know how to work through
it and it doesn't hinder you, it doesn't get in
your way. And then come on, no more self sabotage.
And then number five and this is the biggest honey
and the baddest of them all. Through all of.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
These things, trust God and his vision and support for
you to actualize your dream.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
You know, if God planted that seed in you, then
there is no reason to fear actualize in it. Go forward, family,
stand up in it. Trust him, trust his plan. And
you know sometimes you know, I believe it was two
episodes ago when I was talking to you about actualizing
(28:39):
your dream and getting in the flow, getting in alignment
with what He has for you. If there's a dream
that you have and you can't let it go, it
will not leave your mind. For me, my belief is,
and especially if it's connected it can help someone else.
My belief is is. God gave that thing to you.
(29:00):
He planted the seas, so it is time for you
to water it, to do the work to actualize it
so that it grows, so that it blooms. You know.
But that is my belief and the way to do
that is to trust Him and to trust his vision
for you that no matter what, through all the ups
(29:22):
and downs, because you will face ups and downs, success
and failures as you are actualizing your dreams. It is
a part of it. Yes it is. Accept it. But
as you do that, always have the knowing, be radical
about the knowing that God gave this to you for
(29:45):
you to actualize that He's supporting you no matter what,
like He's there for you, and honey, he's gonna win
if nobody else in your life is going to win.
One one and one source, the huge source outpha in
Omega that I know will when is God. Okay, family,
(30:10):
So there you go, you know, self sabotage. I explain
to you what it looks like. I also explain to
you the whys of the why why do people do it?
And then I gave you the ways that you can
overcome self sabotage so that you can actualize the goals,
(30:32):
your dreams that you have for your life. Number one,
real quick rewire your thoughts. Come on now, challenge those thoughts,
those negative thoughts, and do some rewiring. Number two. Set
small steps in order to get to you to your goal.
Don't get overwhelmed with thinking about your goal and a hole. No,
we want to do it in bite sizes and if
(30:54):
you're consistent, trust me, you will get there. The whole
thing will come fuishing small steps. Number three while you're
doing it on the journey, be kind to yourself. Treat
yourself like a friend. Number four. If you're finding issue
with doing any or all of these things and you
keep finding yourself stuck, then I want you to find
(31:17):
a good therapist so that they can help you to
peel back the layers of your trauma so you can
work through them and know how to move forward. And
number five is the biggest of them all. Trust God
through this process because if nobody else has your back,
he does and I'm a testament of that. All right, Family,
(31:42):
that is another episode of the Mental Health Is a
Lifestyle podcast with your girl Andrea Wise Brown and family.
I am looking forward to seeing you next week on
the next episode, and don't you ever forget I love you.
This podcast is not a substitute for our relationship with
your mental health professional. Hey hey, hey, family, Welcome back
to another episode of The Mental Health Is a lifestyle
podcast with your girl, Andrea wise Brown. Family. I'm excited
(00:26):
to be back here again with you again this week,
and I have something good to share with you and listen.
If you have not joined the family as of yet,
please do so. Do it right now. Doesn't cost you
a thing. All you have to do is subscribe by
clicking that button, subscribe to the podcast, like the podcast,
(00:49):
and share the podcast. Oh and if you feel froggy okay,
then please jump and put a comment down under the
podcast on YouTube so that I can know your thoughts.
What are your thoughts on this particular episode or any
other episode, or if you have a question, please put
(01:12):
it down. Or if maybe what I'm speaking about today
resonates with you in some way or another, tell me
about it. I really want to know, put it down
in the comments. All right, family, So this week I
am going to ask you a question, because we are
going to jump right into it. The question is are
(01:34):
you self sabotaging you from your dreams, from your wants,
from the things that you need from your desires. Are
you not living and actualizing your full potential but instead
(01:56):
self sabotaging? Hmmm, it's a question. Family, I want you
to ask yourself, because sometimes self sabotage is a conscious
thing where you actually know, Like Yeph, you know, every
time I get a good thing, I know I know
how to mess it up. I know that I self
sabotage myself. You know, people have said that to me before,
(02:18):
people who actually come to see me, you know, at
my practice. But even outside of that, just you know, friends,
family members, you know what I'm saying that I kick
it with, Well, say to me, I got self sabotaging
down pack. So some people are aware it's in their conscious,
but many more people have it in their subconscious, like
(02:40):
they really are not aware that they are self sad,
that they are sabotaging themselves. They are getting, in their
own way from moving closer to the goals that they
have or to moving closer to actualizing the dreams that
they desire. So we get ready to look at our today, family,
(03:01):
I want you to ask yourself. Do I self sabotage? Hmmm?
You know? And is it in my conscious or is
it in my subconscious we I'm not even aware of it.
I'm just moving along life, just tripping over my own
feet just to hold myself back. And I know that
might sound crazy, but it's really not crazy. It's more
(03:24):
normal than you can even imagine. So here are some
ways that we as human beings. Okay, I say what
we are is we are spiritual beings having a human
existence here on this earth. So we just we're having
a human existence, and in doing so, sometimes we get
(03:48):
caught up in some dysfunctional behavior. But today I'm going
to give you certain ways that we do self sabotage.
So I'm gonna ask you do you procrastinate a lot?
And they have different reasons for procrastination. But one reason
that we procrastinate sometimes is because we see the dream,
(04:09):
we see what we want, and maybe there's some fear
that comes up. People drag our feet and not actually
go as hard as we know that we need to go,
or be as consistent with trying to actualize our dream
because we know that's what we should do. But instead,
(04:29):
because of fear, we drag our feet, we procrastinate, We
self sabotage, hold ourselves back. Do you have this idea
of perfectionism, because sometimes perfectionism is a form of self
sabotage where we feel like, ugh, I'm not going to
do it, because if it's not perfect, then I'm just
(04:52):
not doing it. Like it needs to be perfect, so
we keep imagining that this whole thing needs to be perfect,
it needs to be perfect. I'm not putting it out
there because if such and such sees it and says
whatever about me? Or if such and such looks at
it and says whatever about me, or if it doesn't
get as the many amount of likes that it needs
to have, or doesn't make a big boom, you know,
(05:14):
if it's not perfect, if maybe the vocabulary isn't perfect,
if the writing isn't perfect, then I'm just not going
to do We hold ourselves back instead of living the
human experience. Humans make mistakes. No one's perfect. We all
(05:34):
make mistakes. Do it anyway, Just do it to the
best of your ability. Just do it anyway. Perfectionism perfectionism
is a form of self sabotage. Another one is, oh
my gosh, picking fights and good relationships. So do you
know people who will pick fights in good relationships? You know,
(05:59):
you know, I've seen people before, but I've also had
clients before. Well, let's just say everything you know in
this relationship is nice and kind. You got loving people,
You got kind people, and both people in the relationships
are doing the best that they know how to do.
(06:19):
But then there's one person in the relationship because of
the state of their anxiety, they will self sabotage the
relationship by picking fights over silly things. You know, they
both came home after work and one of them will
just see, maybe I don't know addition to sink, and
(06:40):
because there's addition to sink, but when this one person
left out there there was no dishes, they're gonna cause
some kind of riff or some issue or an argument
about the dish in the sink. I mean, like, have
you seen that family causing picking fights in a relationship?
Or I will say this fights in a good relationship.
(07:02):
Like you know, if one person wants wants the place
to look one way, you know what I'm saying, like
a decoration or decorated in a certain way, designed in
a certain way, but then it's just a little bit
off from what the other person is familiar with. Instead
of them being open and accepting of the other person's
(07:22):
needs and wants to and you know, engaging in a
healthy compromise. Instead of that, they pick a fight because
it should be what they believe it should be the
way they want it to be. That's not healthy. But
picking fights in a good relationship. In this relationship, there's
(07:44):
no infidelity, everybody's working, the money's fine, the sex is fine.
But yet and still there's a person in this relationship
that will pick fights just because self sabotage. Get in front,
tripping over your own feet because of some faulty belief
(08:05):
that maybe you can't be in a healthy relationship. Maybe
you know what I'm saying, there's some deep rooted issues
or a deep rooted belief that all of your relationships
that you will be in will be horrible, that they'll
be unhealthy. You know that they will eventually hurt you.
So insand what you do is you just picking fights
(08:27):
in a good relationship just because self sabotage. Another one
is negative self talk. So always walking around and in
every situation you're talking to yourself negatively. This thing is
not gonna work. I'm not really gonna make this thing
(08:49):
work because it's you know, after a while, you know
me getting up at this time is not gonna work
for me, or this is really not going to fit
in my schedule, or you know, I can't really see
myself doing this for a long time, or you know,
I've never really been good at this, so why would
I be good at this now, you know? Or nobody's
gonna like it, nobody's gonna watch it, nobody's gonna listen.
(09:09):
Negative self talk is a form of self sabotage. So
there were some forms of self sabotage, but family, we
getting rid of that. We getting rid of all of
that today. But before I tell you how, you may
be wondering why. You know, and I kind of mentioned
(09:30):
some of the why. But why is it, Andria, why
is it that I trip over my own feet? Why
do I stop myself from actualizing my goals, from rising
to my full potential? Well, I'm gonna tell you why.
Here are some reasons why. The first one is a
fear of failure. So a lot of times, you know, people,
(09:51):
you others, we don't go after our dreams because there's
a fear that's inside of us that says we're gonna fail.
And I don't want to fail. So even though there
may be a clear plan, I may really want this,
(10:11):
but that fear of failure is holding me back, so
you just decide you're just not going to do it.
And sometimes fear of failure comes from you growing up
in a family system where failure was normal, where everyone
around you was failing, where everyone in your community what
(10:34):
you saw, you saw them as failures. Got me. So
since that was your belief, is that people around me fail.
I am a part of that people, I am a
part of the culture. Then eh, it's inevitable. I'm probably
going to fail too. You may have a little glimmer
of hope you know, to God in you that says, well,
(10:54):
this is a good dream. This is something that you
should go after. You should feel hopeful about trying to
actualize it. It could work potentially, But the fear of
failure or the belief of failure is so much larger
than that that it overshadows the hope. And so that
fear of failure is what keeps you self sabotaging. Another
(11:18):
one is imposter syndrome. Family. Have you or anyone else
that you've known, been in a position of success. I
hear this a lot from people who are really, really
successful that sometimes they kind of look around or the
look they look at their bank account, or they'll look
at like the position the name that's on their door,
(11:41):
or they'll they'll look at maybe maybe some accolades that
they've just gotten. And when they start to think about it,
they start to get anxiety because there's this fear that
comes up where they're like, oh, my gosh, this title
or this amount of money is so much bigger than me,
and the people around me may see who I am.
(12:03):
So they start to concentrate on maybe some of their
faults or maybe some of their humble their story from
their humble beginnings. So it's kind of like, oh, I
need to put on a face or an air or
I need to be something other than who I really
am in order to hold up this title or to
keep getting in this money, or to keep being respected.
(12:25):
You know, impostor syndrome, Like I'm an impostor here. This
is not my real self and I don't want anybody
else to know because they may take it away. I'm
here to tell you, family, God created you to be amazing.
God created you to be abundant. God created you to
be prosperous. So anytime those thoughts come up, which are
(12:47):
negative thoughts, please excuse them because that is not true.
Screw impostera syndrome. This is yours. All the things that
you desire are waiting for you. That they're doing just that, honey,
They are waiting for you. You are the only one
who's stopping you. Screw what anybody else thinks. Screw it,
(13:14):
because let me tell you something, Once you're in alignment
with what God has for you, no one can stop you.
I don't care where you've come from. I don't care
what people believe about you. It is yours and you
need to stand and you need to claim it because
what is for you no one else can take away.
(13:34):
So I rebuke impossa syndrome. But imposta syndrome is one
of the wise as to why people's self sabotage, why
you start tripping over your own feet, why you hold
yourself back from being great? Who cares your story? I
don't care how humbling your story was. I don't care
(13:55):
about what kind of mistakes you've made, does not matter.
That's what propels you to where you are, to where
you are where you're questioning you know, is this too big? No? No, no, honey,
it's not big enough, okay, because God has something even
bigger for you. As long as you live and you breathe, honey,
the next day is another opportunity to get bigger. So
(14:17):
we are rebuking imposta syndrome. Another thing is the unconscious beliefs,
unconscious beliefs that we are not enough, that you are
not enough, that this is too much for you, that
this is too big for you. Lies, lies, lies. So
if I believe that my dreams are too big for me,
I'm going to self sabotage. I'm gonna do little things
(14:39):
whether it's unconscious or conscious, that's going to hold me back.
It's gonna hold me to the story, to the beliefs,
the stories that I'm telling myself. So that's another reason why.
Oh and then some people, this is one they have.
They find comfort in chaos. This is a thing. This
(15:00):
is a way to self sabotage. So do you know people,
because I know people who every everything is going well,
every single thing is going well, but they will create
a chaotic situation out of a peaceful situation, and everybody
that's around them is sitting here looking like well, everything
(15:23):
was just like what happened, and this follows them everywhere
they go. So it's not just this one situation, like
it happens over and over and over again in all
these different situations. But it's that same person that's causing chaos,
you know. It's it's that same friend or person. And
(15:44):
I'm thinking of a man that's in my mind, and
every place that he goes, I don't care if it's
a party, if it's a luncheon, if it's a dinner,
if it's to the movies, to the mall, like, there's
always some kind to fight that ensues, and he's right
in the middle of it. And then if you go
(16:05):
and you ask him, well, what happened? You know what what?
Because it's like, why is it just following you? Well,
let's say it's not following you at you, okay, But
then when you ask them, they have all these reasons
about how this person was disrespectful, this person looked at
them this way, this person you'd rubbed up against the
back of him, and they was really trying to disrespect
(16:27):
When you're walking around with that chip on your shoulder
because you are so used to chaos that you do
not find comfort in peace, which comes from childhood trauma,
being in a family system that was always chaotic, and
(16:49):
it makes you feel safe. So you repeat that over
and over again so that you continue to feel safe.
You repeat the chaotic, the dis functional behavior over and
over again so that it feels comfortable for you, because
that is what you know. Because when things are calm
(17:10):
and peaceful, it raises your anxiety. You don't know what
to do. You don't feel safe, and this is another
way that you self sabotage. So as you are moving
along in peace, in alignment, it feels weird. I gotta
create some chaos so that it distracts me. You're not
thinking about everybody else in a situation that you may
(17:33):
be holding back to from them but extualizing their desires.
But know you're just thinking about yourself self preservation. Let
me find some chaos, or at least create some chaos.
Do you know those people? I know some people who
are like that too. And another why, and this is
the last why before I actually give you the formula
(17:55):
what we're gonna do the steps. But the other why
could be you need need to have a sense of control,
because you feel like if I don't have control, then
I need to ruin it be for anybody else does,
so that could come into chaos if you're thinking that, oh,
(18:17):
if I'm in this chaotic situation or this peaceful situation,
and because you're so used to chaos because of your
family of origin trauma, because of your childhood trauma, you're
so used to it. Your anxiety is how you want
to know where it is. But what you've decided to
do is, Uh, instead of me waiting on somebody else
to create the chaos, I'm gonna go ahead and do
it myself so that I can be in control of it.
(18:40):
So I know how big it needs to be, so
I know when it needs to start and when it
needs to stop, and then I know how to get
in and I know how to get out. You want
to control the situation, so you ruin it before anyone
else does. Or let's go back to that relationship. So
you're in a relationship that seems to be pretty healthy.
(19:00):
It's pretty calm, it's pretty peaceful. There has been I
told you, there's no infidelity. Everybody's paying bills, everybody's pitching in.
You kind of have a good time when you hang out.
You're living in peace. But because of maybe some traumatic
situations that you've been in prior, or some dysfunctional relationships
(19:21):
that you've been in prior. You feel like, uh, you
know what, let me go ahead and ruin this before
somebody else does so, before he leaves, let me leave,
before she leaves. Let me leave before he cheats, or
before she cheats. Let me cheat. You're trying to maintain control,
(19:41):
self sabotaged family, You're pulling yourself down before you can
actually actualize your dreams. But we ain't doing that, Nope,
because your girl is here, because I'm getting ready to
challenge you and give you some steps that's going to
get you back on the right path. Okay, so we're
(20:02):
just gonna start off with number one. Hey, family, come
on over here, because I have something for you. Starting
off with a go to guide for keeping your minds
healthy and strong. This right here is the Bible to
Mental Health. It's your mental health Bible. The name of
(20:25):
it is six Pillars to power up your mind and
make mental health a lifestyle. Everything that you need to
know about keeping your minds healthy and strong is in
this go to guide. Where you get it from? Will
you get it from awisebrown dot com backslash shop. But
(20:46):
guess what, you don't have to go anyplace else to
look for you aromatherapy because your girls got you. Okay,
you can get some aromatherapy here. This is a roma
therapy is in this candle. This is called a slice
of happiness. It makes me tingle like literally makes me
(21:07):
tingle a slice of happiness. This is a cruelty free
candle with no parabins, no formaldehyde, and no known suspected carcinogenics. Now,
this one smells delicious and it's good for you, made
with essential oils. It's a soy candle, all right, y'all.
(21:28):
And oh, I'm a part of you. You're a part
of me. We are a family. We got hoodies now,
and these are UNUS sex hoodies and they wear well,
they wash well, and they feel so good. So you
can wear them over your clothes, you know what I'm saying,
and look dope. Or you can wear them as your
clothes with nothing under them, which I like to do often.
(21:50):
And when you travel everywhere, I mean every time I
wear them, I'm moving around, people are always asking me
whether I'm traveling, going to the supermarket, what's that, who's that?
And I'm like, mental health is a lifestyle because see
this is on the back. Okay, they come in white
and they come in black. I'm like, join the family.
Mental health is a lifestyle podcast. So there you go. Family.
(22:11):
Don't you ever say then, I ain't give you nothing.
You get all of these things from awisebrown dot com
backslash shop. All right, I got your goods. I got you.
You don't have to go into place else. I'll see
you on the other side. I want you to work
(22:32):
on rewiring your thoughts. Rewiring your thoughts. So in these
certain situations, let's just use the last one. When you
feel like you don't have control and everything is peaceful
and you're hanging out with your friends, or you're in
this relationship and the fear and the thoughts of what
happened to you when the past comes up, whether it's
(22:54):
your family system or in old relationships, be aware of
your thoughts because when you get ready to go into
action with this chaos, okay, then I want you to
ask yourself, what am I thinking? What is the story
that I'm telling myself? And if that story right then
(23:17):
in that moment is not one hundred percent true for
that current situation, it is time for you to rewire
those thoughts. Let's reframe them. So you say to yourself, well, know,
everything's good here. I have nothing to be afraid of.
(23:38):
Let me just relax and accept what is and go
with the flow. And even if something kicks up, I
am still going to be okay. You got to find
a mantra and you have to read why your thoughts.
Number two, I want you to set small goals, all
(24:00):
little steps to your goal. When you know you're thinking
about moving towards your dreams or your desires, and then
you get that whole fear of perfectionism, like, oh my gosh,
that need to be perfect, and it's overwhelming because it
needs to be perfect, and so you procrastinate and you
do those things. What I want you to do is
(24:21):
set small goals, so even when the fear comes up
and you start rewiring your thoughts, you have a bunch
of little goals that you're just achieving one by one.
You know, I always tell my clients I ask them,
I ask them, how do you eat an elephant? And
then I give them the answer one bite at a time.
(24:44):
Stop worrying about the big picture, about it being perfect.
What The outcome is get your goal in mind, get
your desires in mind, know where you're going, and then
come on back to where you are in the present
and set little small goals to over little by little
little bites, and soon that elephant will be gone. Number three.
(25:08):
Going through the process as you're rewiring your thoughts. When
those negative thoughts come up, I want you to treat
yourself as you would treat your child, or treat yourself
as you would treat one of your best friends. You
hear what I say. So if you and your child
were walking down the street, okay, and your child was
(25:30):
just jumping up and down and playing on the sidewalk
as children do, and all of a sudden, your child
was to fall and scrape her or his little leg,
and let's just say it was a little girl, your daughter.
She was a scrape her little leg on the sidewalk.
What would you say? And family, I'm rooting on you
because I'm hoping that you have the healthy mindset that
(25:54):
if you had a little girl and she was three
or four years old, and she fell and she scraped
her doing what children do, you would comfort her. You
would say to her, my love, oh my gosh, I
am so sorry that that happened to you. You know,
I could understand why you were jumping around and you
were playing, and I get it. But baby, next time,
(26:17):
I want you to be a little more careful. So
let's take care. Let's address your wound. Baby, how are
you feeling okay? And you address the wound and then
you tell okay. So now let's get back up and
let's start walking again, and you can even jump around
and play again. But let's learn from the mistake that
you made the last time. You'd give her unconditional love
(26:41):
and you'd support her. That's what I want you to
do for you. And let me tell you something, Family
number four. If you find difficulty in doing any of
these things, please find you a therapist. Find you a
good therapist who can help you process how to do
these things and process your trauma, process your childhood trauma
(27:05):
or maybe trauma that you've experienced before this moment. If
you really want to know what is holding you back
from actualizing your dreams, if you really want to know
why you continue to self sabotage specifically, then please find
you a good therapist. And in an older episode, I
(27:27):
actually give you the steps to how to find a
good therapist. So just scroll up, find that episode, listen,
and then actualize it so that you can peel back
the layers. They can help you peel back the layers
to your trauma and you can you can get get
it out, face it, bring it to the light so
(27:48):
that it you can you know how to work through
it and it doesn't hinder you, it doesn't get in
your way. And then come on, no more self sabotage.
And then number five and this is the biggest honey
and the baddest of them all. Through all of.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
These things, trust God and his vision and support for
you to actualize your dream.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
You know, if God planted that seed in you, then
there is no reason to fear actualize in it. Go forward, family,
stand up in it. Trust him, trust his plan. And
you know sometimes you know, I believe it was two
episodes ago when I was talking to you about actualizing
(28:39):
your dream and getting in the flow, getting in alignment
with what He has for you. If there's a dream
that you have and you can't let it go, it
will not leave your mind. For me, my belief is,
and especially if it's connected it can help someone else.
My belief is is. God gave that thing to you.
(29:00):
He planted the seas, so it is time for you
to water it, to do the work to actualize it
so that it grows, so that it blooms. You know.
But that is my belief and the way to do
that is to trust Him and to trust his vision
for you that no matter what, through all the ups
(29:22):
and downs, because you will face ups and downs, success
and failures as you are actualizing your dreams. It is
a part of it. Yes it is. Accept it. But
as you do that, always have the knowing, be radical
about the knowing that God gave this to you for
(29:45):
you to actualize that He's supporting you no matter what,
like He's there for you, and honey, he's gonna win
if nobody else in your life is going to win.
One one and one source, the huge source outpha in
Omega that I know will when is God. Okay, family,
(30:10):
So there you go, you know, self sabotage. I explain
to you what it looks like. I also explain to
you the whys of the why why do people do it?
And then I gave you the ways that you can
overcome self sabotage so that you can actualize the goals,
(30:32):
your dreams that you have for your life. Number one,
real quick rewire your thoughts. Come on now, challenge those thoughts,
those negative thoughts, and do some rewiring. Number two. Set
small steps in order to get to you to your goal.
Don't get overwhelmed with thinking about your goal and a hole. No,
we want to do it in bite sizes and if
(30:54):
you're consistent, trust me, you will get there. The whole
thing will come fuishing small steps. Number three while you're
doing it on the journey, be kind to yourself. Treat
yourself like a friend. Number four. If you're finding issue
with doing any or all of these things and you
keep finding yourself stuck, then I want you to find
(31:17):
a good therapist so that they can help you to
peel back the layers of your trauma so you can
work through them and know how to move forward. And
number five is the biggest of them all. Trust God
through this process because if nobody else has your back,
he does and I'm a testament of that. All right, Family,
(31:42):
that is another episode of the Mental Health Is a
Lifestyle podcast with your girl Andrea Wise Brown and family.
I am looking forward to seeing you next week on
the next episode, and don't you ever forget I love you.
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