December 12, 2022 • 39 mins
Prior to COVID, Remi's reflex attitude was why be grateful when the next horrible thing is around the corner? But to her shock, after COVID Remi has become more like Liz... she might (gasp) be becoming a grateful person.
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(00:08):
Welcome to my weekly panic Attack.I'm your host, Remy Brooks. I've
been a licensed psychotherapist for over twentyyears and run a thriving private practice.
I'm also diagnosed SPI polar an OCD. Often the two do not mix well,
which tends to throw my life intocomplete chaos. So as I do
(00:32):
some spiraling, my best friend LizWin will do her best to ground me
a bit. During this podcast,we'll be talking about the horror and the
humor of the anxieties of daily life, the things we do that are embarrassing,
funny, but yet very human.Let's get started. Here's a well
(00:59):
adjusted moment from Lizze's life. SoI'm currently visiting Texas and as I opened
the door this morning, front door, there's a six foot rat snake blocking
my way. Oh my god,did you call nine one one? No,
Remy, I took pictures of videoslike everyone else would have, and
this has been a well adated momentfrom Lizze's life. You are most definitely
(01:25):
a glass half full kind of girl, which, okay, is perfect because
that leads me into what what thehell am I stressed out about today?
Liz? And what is stressing youout today. Okay, what is stressing
me out right now is a feeling, Liz. It is feeling that I
(01:53):
don't completely understand because I've never experiencedit before. And this is very interesting,
Liz. This is it as ifwe rehearse this, which anybody who's
listening, we did not. Wedo not talk about the podcast at all
until we are actually doing this.I was in my kitchen making a cup
(02:17):
of coffee. I turned around,I leaned against my stove, and I
was staring at a piece of arthanging on my wall, which says,
always see your glass as half full. Now did you not just say that?
Did? We just did not?I didn't. I've been in your
(02:38):
kitchen. I do not remember thatball hanging with a saying, but yeah,
it's been there for years. Now. Here's the thing. The only
reason that I have that piece ofart is because the colors match my kitchen
and the frame is the right sizeand shape for the like space. I
(03:00):
would never otherwise own such a thingbecause that mindset is polar opposite of me.
I would never own such it.This would be like a gift I
would give to you it Franks,to your mindset, it does not speak
to mine, but it fit perfectly, so I got it. Now,
if I were creating such art,it would say life sucks and then you
(03:24):
die. I'm not so how manypeople would buy that one, but okay,
I would buy it like I wouldmake it dollars mate, and then
like I would produce it for othersbecause I am positive others would feel the
same way to not people like you. I would never target people like you,
(03:46):
but you know whatever, Okay.So usually as I read this,
I read it and I giggle.Only this time this week, I am
leaning against stove and I'm drinking mycup of coffee and I read it and
I don't giggle. And I noticedinstantaneously that I don't giggle. Why am
(04:12):
I not giggling? I asked onmyself, and going would you say?
I said, why were you notgiggling? Exactly? Why why was I
not giggling? And I did nothave an answer. However, this then
becomes my obsessive thought of the week, and I couldn't stop thinking about it,
and I didn't have an answer,And where my fucked up mind went
(04:35):
took me to places that I neverexpected to go. So you want to
go on this fucked up trip withme. Sure, so you were you
were spacing into the fact that youhadn't laughed at that sign or what the
signment or was it all together?I know what the sign means, like
(04:58):
I know exactly what it means,but I usually laugh at it because I
think it's ridiculous. See the glasshalf full, be optimistic, be grateful,
see things as like like good inthe world. Please. It's such
bullshit. So I laugh at it, and I think of people like you.
(05:19):
You know, something horrible happens andyou can actually make light of it,
like, oh, your hotel roomhas overflowed. That's okay, I'll
put down some tails and no problem. Don't worry about me, worry about
the other forty people. I'm fine. Oh my car, all the tires
(05:40):
have been taken off my car.It's an inconvenience, but I'll get four
new tires. Yeah, come on, it's ridiculous. Be pissed off that
your car has no tires, Like, what is this glass half fullshit?
It's shit? Well with me,it is. I'll have that initial like
(06:03):
like when the tires or whatever,it's like, oh crap, But then
it's like I don't want to letmyself get into that any negative. So
if I can clear it out fiveor timents, sometimes it takes longer depending
on what kind of situation is.But if I can work my way through
it, it gets me to theend. That's how I get to the
other side, so that I'm notlike in down duldrums. I get it.
(06:26):
That must be a lovely place tolive. That is not where I
live. You know, I don'teven visit. It's not a place I
go to. I have heard thatplace exists. I just don't have a
ticket to enter. So here iswhere my mind went throughout the week,
(06:53):
because it was like a week longprocess. I go back to a kid,
like as a teenager I was.I was always a good kid,
and I had like a really nicegroup of friends who were all really good
kids. And I was never rebellious. I always got along great with my
parents. And not that I hada curfew. But if I would have
(07:15):
had a curfew, I would bucktin the kid who would have broken it.
You know, I didn't drink alcohol, I didn't do drugs, and
I was always a homebody. Sowhen I would get together with friends,
my preference was to invite them overto my house, my room, talk
(07:36):
rent movies, order pizza. Bythe time I met you, we were,
you know, in our twenties,and I was still living with my
parents, and you know, thething went like coming over to my house,
hang out my house, like Iwas always at home. That is
where I always wanted to be.The only major issue that was that really
(07:59):
existed between me and my parents wasacademically, like my grades always sucked and
I was always on the verge offailing something, and I always thought I
was going to be held back agrade. And the funny thing is the
only thing I ever failed was JIMand it was because I got I cursed
(08:22):
out my gym teacher, which wasby the way, well deserved. And
had I known, is she hadsaid I cursed her out, and she's
like, you are never to returnto JIM again, and you officially failed.
And had I known that, allI needed to do was curse her
(08:43):
out and I would have a freepass out at GIM, I wouldn't done
that so much sooner what a schmuckI didn't know. So anyway, I
was like not punished often. Theonly time I was ever punished were for
like horrible grades and pray. Myparents chose two interesting The way my parents
(09:13):
chose to punish me was by forcingme to make plans with friends out side
of the house. And they wouldsay, kids your age, have social
(09:33):
lives, call your friends, makeplans and go out. Liz, I
that hated the ink punished. Wow, that is a very different punishment than
I have. Quite the opposite.You are stuck inside. Here's a book,
(09:56):
no TV. There were no computersat the time, so not so
much fun for me. It wasget the fuck out of the house,
have a social life, God damnit. Meanwhile, my sister, who's
like three and a half years longer, you couldn't. You couldn't keep her
inside. She had like hundreds offriends, she had her own phone line.
(10:18):
She was like so busy, alwayson the eye. Please get out
of your room, Please get outof the house. No, I don't
want to. You can't make meokay again. No, this, in
all fairness, who was the eightiesand mental health disorders they really weren't like
(10:39):
recognized, diagnosed, or really discussedin any way at all. But like,
seriously, the fact that my punishmentwas forced me to be social,
that's actually punishment. Most parents wouldgive to their kids today because none of
(11:03):
them want to actually exit the house. Only right, that's right, would
prefer being on top and being onhis computer. Putting making him go outside.
You would think that you were likeskinning him or something. But even
like the kids who were inside ontheir computer, they're hooked up to their
computer friends, like like they're stillyou know, in this world being social
(11:26):
on the computer. Like do youwatch face oar tapes? Exactly? No.
My father, who was undiagnosed bipolarat that point until like twenty years
after that time, Thank you genetics, struggled terribly with it. My mother,
(11:48):
who was extremely anti social herself butalways pretended very very well not to
be again, thank you genetics alsoshould have known that something was very very
wrong. What Right wished for morethan anything during junior high, high school,
(12:16):
college was too simply be left alone, no social contact with anyone at
all, and quite frankly, thathas not changed. Oh yes, yeah,
you know, you are the onlyperson I should really tolerate for longer
(12:37):
than like, you know, fifteenminutes at a time. And really that's
kind of pushing it. Um precovid right, single mom, Yeah,
out in the world, running everyday, ever errands, living what appears
to be a fully functioning life,but yet beyond over whelmed. Okay,
(13:00):
the weight of the world on myshoulders up early school bus, paperwork,
emails, phone calls, invoices,receipts, client, client, client.
My youngest did not know a timewhen he didn't have a babysitter from after
pool until bedtime. Right right,I felt like I was running, And
(13:26):
I don't run like I'm like Iwas. You were running all day,
like I was running towards the gravewith no feasible way out. I didn't
know how to put the brakes on, how to take a step back,
how to reprioritize my life. Iwas going full force and I didn't know
(13:52):
how to stop. But like mymother, I have always He's been the
great pretender, with a smile onmy face, funny stories to tell,
making everyone else feel so good.I always worked so hard at pretending that
(14:18):
everything was okay. But I washolding on to what was left of my
mental health by a fucking string thatwas threatening to break. Not that anyone
would know, because no, Imean, even as we were talking during
(14:39):
the pandemic, I would talk toat one point and that we talked to
you at another point, and Ididn't always realize how much you were pretending
in front of your kids, andthat's even being at home, and how
much work you were doing in thatand trying to put a good face on
things. I was that I like, that was always my main job.
(15:01):
I always tried to keep it frommy fits, always, always, always,
always, And that was the hardestpart of the pandemic because I was
there with my kids. You werethe only person who knew how far from
okay that I was. There weretimes when things got really bad that I'd
(15:26):
let my mom in, but onlyso much. But from the outside,
I was functioning right while living withpanic and anxiety and depression every single day.
(15:46):
And then the world was hit withCOVID. Yeah, okay, So
before I say another word, ifthis is just sort of like a disclaimer,
because I want you already know,because we've had conversation and you already
(16:07):
know what's going to come out ofmy mouth. But I want anyone who's
listening to this to know that Iam so utterly aware of how devastating COVID
has been, the millions of deaths, the complete crash of our global economy,
the impact that isolation has had,the forced use of mask wearing,
(16:32):
how the abused had to remain inthe same health sohold with their abusers.
The impact on people's mental health.I mean, I get it. I
really understand the devastation that this virushas caused. Okay, complete disclaimer.
Now with that said, I understandhow horrible my next words are going to
(17:03):
sound. I honestly think you're goingto be the only one out there though.
Okay, you know you're not theonly one. I shared this with.
I shared this with you. Youtook a beat before you said anything.
I actually also shared this early onwith my mother, and he yelled
(17:26):
at me and said, don't youever say that again. Okay, but
here it is, and I'm goingto say, at this again, I
am, thanks to COVID personally thriving. I know that I am probably in
(17:49):
a minority here, I get it. But COVID has given me a totally
different way of living, a totallydifferent way of life. My mother was
so angry at me, and whenI said, actually, I'm kind of
(18:11):
thriving, she yelled at me,don't you ever say that again. I
mean, she had friends that died. It was I understand. I get
it. For me, being outsideis bad. It's danger, danger,
danger. I am so hyper awareof everything that I can't help to turn
(18:38):
the teeniest, tiniest little thing intosomething so completely catastrophic. So thank God,
like I have a legit reason tonot be in the world, because
even as the world opened, Idecided not to join it. When the
lockdown occurred, it was as ifGod himself said, you know the way
(19:07):
that really weird woman, Remy Brooks, wants to live in total isolation where
nobody leaves their house. How aboutwe try that, but for the entire
world. What the hell, Let'sget that a shot and see what happens.
As if God himself said, youknow what, Len, you may
(19:33):
be onto something. And suddenly,for the first and my life is I
wasn't the outcast right, And Ihad never felt so calm, And it
was the first time that I recallliving a life without anxiety. And that's
(19:59):
not to say that because when COVIDhit, I was so fearful of it
too, and you know what wasgoing to happen and how this was affecting
everything. I mean, I wasterrified, but it was a different kind
of terrified. It wasn't my personalanxiety. I was living a life without
my crazy anxiety. And it wassuch an amazing relief, and it was
(20:26):
beautiful. We're going to take aquick break and we'll be right back now.
In all fairness, unlike so manyother people, my kids were at
an age where they could do virtualschool on their own right, take care
(20:48):
of themselves more or less exactly.So I got to sleep in until like
one two o'clock in the afternoon everysingle day. I got to drink NonStop
cups of coffee and chain smoke inmy garage and binge, watch TV and
(21:11):
talk to no one except my kids. I was living my fantasy life.
And then something very strange happened thatI never in a million years I thought
(21:33):
would occur. What was that?My tvr very quickly somehow, with seven
percentful to zero. Now, fearnot, Liz. I did have Netflix
and I did have Amazon Prime,but like in no time at all,
(21:57):
I very clear, huh, Andnow I was facing uncharted territory. What
does one do when you literally haveno TV to watch? I did not
know this answer, because I'm noton social media. I had no idea
what people did. So I askeda friend, and apparently people were cooking
(22:22):
elaborate meals. However, I don'teven know how to scramble eggs, so
that was not something that was forme. Not No, apparently, somehow,
and I still don't understand what thisis all about. People were baking
sour dough bread. That became athing, that was a big thing.
(22:44):
It was hard to find. Youstop telling it. I don't get that.
I don't know how that became athing. Dy projects became a thing.
I don't own a hammer. Thatwas not going to be a thing
for me. So I figured ifI had no TV to watch, then
(23:06):
clearly I would write my own TV. Right, right, So I picked
up an old hobby that I droppedbecause I didn't have time to pursue it.
So in nineteen ninety four, theweek after I graduated college, I
moved out to LA to pursue writingand acting, which clearly went nowhere,
(23:30):
says the therapist. So now here'sCOVID, right, perfect opportunity to all
the entire world slowed down, andnow I had time to write from beginning
to end. And I realized thatI still left it, and I was
(23:56):
still good at it, and Iwrote like many different TV scripts and two
of them, both thirty minute dramedies, were picked up, and I somehow
became a client of a TV productioncompany called Voyage Media, and I have
(24:18):
shopping agreements for both of these scripts, and this same production company is now
producing this podcast. Like how thefuck do you jump to here? Like?
Who would? Life is crazy?It's crazy. Professionally, telehealth becomes
a thing right right, which noone did before. What the hell?
(24:42):
I honestly, I never even heardof telehealth before. I never heard of
zoom, and suddenly I'm seeing clientsover zoom. And in the meantime,
I realize, which was like thegreatest thing in world, that there was
no reason that I have to getout of my pajamas. No, you
(25:06):
never have to see a client inyour household again, never again. I
wasn't leaving the house, and Iwas a much happier human being in pajamas
than I was in clothes. Andby the way, I recommend it to
people, it's fabulous. So evenwhen the lockdown ended and the world started
becoming more normal, I felt freeto continue saying no to social and family
(25:30):
expectations and my baseline, anxiety stayeddown, and we're like past two years
into COVID, and I only goout when I have to, and I
rarely have to, and I amliving a mostly anxiety free light. Oh
oh, Liz, something awful happenedthis past week and my anxiety, which
(25:56):
I have not felt in over twoyears, skyrocketed through the roof. It
was awful. What I thought?I get an evite to Randy's seventieth birthday
party. No, no, Ihave not been to a social event in
(26:18):
over two years. I can't dothis. I cannot. I can't do
this, and I don't want todo this. And I remember you telling
me about what the first time youwent out to a restaurant when COVID once
everyone started getting their shots, andjust a restaurant with a couple of people,
you knew You're now talking about aparty. There's no there's there's absolutely
(26:41):
no way I can do this.And I'm scrolling to see like how many
people have been invited now and alreadyRSVP, and I may be slightly exaggerating,
Okay, so we can take thatadd into account that there might be
(27:02):
a slight exaggeration, but roughly eighthundred and thirty two thousand people are going
to this party in the so aboutzero one of that, About eight hundred
and thirty two thousand people are goingto this party. Okay. So in
(27:22):
the last two years, I haveworked my way up. I have gotten
together in a group with my immediatefamily consisting of no larger than eight people,
and I am fucking proud of myselfto have gotten to that point.
Okay, So there is no waythat I can attend a party of nine
(27:52):
hundred and sixty seven thousand people.I can't see that group quickly. I'm
pretty sure it was the exact samenumber I told you before. It's it's
about a hundred a million. It'sclose to a million people. And by
(28:12):
the time I'm anything I want tosay, I might be slightly exaggerating the
numbers, but not by much.By the time I got this invitation,
it was too late to call mymother. She was already asleep. So
I was like done. I canask yes, because the answer was no.
(28:38):
There was no way in hell Iwas going to this party. There
there was no way, and Iknew that she was. She was going
to be upset. I'm her kid, and this is her husband, and
of course I should be there.Um, all of the family is going
to be there, and how couldI not show up? And this was
going to be a thing and thelast thing in the world. Old I
(29:00):
wanted to just upset my mother.I don't want to upset my mother.
I'm like, so scared of mymother, you know, so I don't
want to upset her. But I'mnot going. I can't go. I
was up all night long panicking.So the next and I take sleeping pills
and I still couldn't sleep. SoI took more sleeping pills, but I
still couldn't sleep. So now I'mlike close to overdosing. But I so
(29:25):
can't sleep and I'm terrified and I'mscared and I'm full of anxiety. And
I finally get her the next dayand I'm like, I can't, I
can't, I can't. She's likewhat, And I'm like the invitation Randy's
Burgle party, I can't, Ican't, I can't. And she's like,
oh, honey, where already knewthat? Oh wow? Why would
you not have given me a headsup? Why would you would have put
(29:51):
me through that? Why would youhave made such a big deal out of
that. So she was so wrong. She was just she was so wrong.
Anyway, here's the thing again thatCOVID did for me. It was
because and during COVID, because Ihad always hid and pretended that, you
(30:17):
know, I didn't have any problems. I'm okay, I can handle things
that had I not. It wasover these last two years that I became
so much more verbal about my mentalhealth issues with my family. And which
is really good? Would you say? Which was really good? Because I
(30:38):
don't think they realized how much certainsituations really that it wasn't just that you
didn't want to because you didn't wantto, There was something behind it exactly.
Had that not happened, I wouldnever have been able to attend the
party, and they would have assumedthat it was just a big fuck you.
Yeah, And how would I havebeen able to explain, you know?
(31:02):
So it opened up all of thiscommunication between me and my family,
and it also it taught me toprioritize my mental health, which is amazing
and strangely enough, it even translatedinto my practice too, because before I
used to take on any client thatcame through, and I stop doing that.
(31:26):
I now only work with clients thatI truly enjoy working with, because
I really want to enjoy the workI do. So if there's a client
that comes through that I don't personallylike really like to work with, I
refer them out, which is somethingI never expected to occur. And it's
(31:48):
interesting because since that happened, I'vestarted to get more and more phone calls
and the practice started to grow.Oh, it's very it's so weird,
and like things with my kids havechanged, like there will never be another
babysitter and I will always have timeto help with homework and I will never
miss bedtime routine again, and likeI will now I write all the time,
(32:13):
and it's not just something that Ilike to do. It's become something
that I really need to do.I think, my darling, that feeling
that I didn't know what it was. Dare I say, I think I'm
feeling optimistic about how my life isgoing right now, which is kind of
(32:44):
crazy and kind of good and unlikeyou, I was never that person that
was like about gratitude. I mean, I be grateful when the next horrible
thing is just waiting around the corner, and get prepared for the horrible be
prepared for the horrible, but I'mactually feeling quateful. So like, yeah,
(33:07):
I'm still the weird one who prefersto stay home in pajamas at all
times, but that's okay. Ilike, and you still have your ups
and dinners. It's not that you'resaying that you don't have those anxious moments
(33:28):
or and I know what, thekids starting to kind of get out of
the house too, allows you sometime to, like you're not twenty four
seven having to put on a phasethat you can, you know, take
some time for yourself now that everyone'skind of getting out of the house and
back to school and stuff. SoI think that helps too, so much,
It helps so much. And it'slike I think that I'm feeling more
(33:55):
like you in that, like you'vealways been very grateful for your family,
and like you're you're you're a gratefulperson, Like I am grateful for my
family and their understanding and their supportand something that I've always taken for granted,
which is interesting because even even thoughmy dad died so young, you
(34:21):
know, I've like kind of takenit for granted because of COVID. Through
COVID, and I feel like weyou me, my kids were like the
only people left on earth that haven'tgotten COVID yet. Like I don't know,
I feel like we're the last remaining. But yes, I'm like so
(34:42):
grateful for just like everybody's health andfor my much slower pace of life and
for renewing like this old passion andrealizing that it's still there and strong and
oh my godless on my be turninginto one of these grateful people, which
is so not me and should passreally really soon. But for the moment,
(35:07):
I'm just I'm appreciating it. Ithink, yeah that the bottom line
is I knew I needed to makea huge change in my life, but
I didn't know how to do it. Yeah, and for me, COVID
(35:29):
elicited that change, and I don'tever want to go back to the way
I was living before. And likeso I understand and see this is where
you see. Of all the horrorsthat there were because of COVID, as
you stated them before, oh mygoodness, your glass halfful is you were
able to take something from it andchange how you were living your life to
(35:52):
make it, you know, lessstressful, less anxiety, you know,
having less anxiety. So now seeingthe glasses halfful. It won't happen all
the time. No, I'm sureit won't. I'm sure the feeling will
pass quickly. But for right now, I'm going to take that as a
(36:12):
win. And I think that thatis why I looked at that piece of
art and didn't didn't laugh. SoI think I realized it before I realized
it, you know what I mean? Yep. Yeah, Well, you
know, there's so many ups anddowns that people have gone through and they're
(36:35):
you know, obviously there are peopleout there that became isolated, but I
do think that there are people outthere that realized, hey, I want
to work from home. I wantto have the flexibility to stay with my
family and you know, not spendan hour driving to a job in an
hour driving home from a job.And I think it has allowed a lot
of people to kind of reprioritize andsee, you know, what's important to
(36:59):
them. You know, I wishsome more people would kind of take that
in line and would less be walkingdown hallways saying what the f and blah
blah blah and realize, you know, it's not the worst thing in life.
It's an inconvenience, but they're farworse things out there, you know.
(37:21):
And if it only happens to everyonce in a while to see the
glass half full, at least you'restanding in half full. That's a wonderful
way to view it. Yep,it's a nice change. Oh, I'm
glad it's happening for you. AndI'm glad it happened for you because I
know over the years, you knowhow I never realized, you know,
until as you started telling me asto how just anxious just regular situations.
(37:45):
I know you didn't like you didn'tlike getting lost, but just out there
driving or meeting new people or youknow, I was always happy to go
to your house for like, youknow, yeah who or one of the
you know, one of the holidaysand stuff, and you detested it and
not realizing it wasn't just that youdidn't want to spend time with your family,
it was just the whole anxiety ofbeing there with all the people and
that whole situation. Yeah, itwas like every little thing was so you
(38:14):
know, so much anxiety was attachedto everything. So it's just it's a
it's a nice break, Liz,It's it's a nice break, And I'm
going to take the break for aslong as I possibly can, and if
this becomes, you know, mynew reality, then just how wonderful would
that be. So I'm hanging ontoit for as long as possible. Absolutely,
(38:37):
thank you, my darling, Well, thank you. I think it's
good that people know that there werethat they are different experiences to come out
of that whole situation with COVID,that some of them were definitely negative,
but some of them were positive,and that if it's like you and it's
being a little bit more not outthere in the world, but still being
out there in the world in yourown way, what works and functions for
(39:00):
you, that that's okay, youknow, And I think that's what it
is. By saying someone, Okay, I can do my work online and
I can interact with people, butI don't always have to be out there
with everyone all the time. Ithink that's good for people to know that
that, you know, it's allright. Yeah. I think that again,
it has impacted everybody on such differentlevels, but that I think we're
(39:24):
going to get a lot of feedbackhearing how it has impacted people so differently.
Absolutely, you can reach us atVoyage Media, at Twitter, Instagram
and on Facebook. And you canreach out directly to me at Panicked Remy
(39:45):
on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
Welcome to my weekly panic Attack.I'm your host, Remy Brooks. I've
been a licensed psychotherapist for over twentyyears and run a thriving private practice.
I'm also diagnosed SPI polar an OCD. Often the two do not mix well,
which tends to throw my life intocomplete chaos. So as I do
(00:32):
some spiraling, my best friend LizWin will do her best to ground me
a bit. During this podcast,we'll be talking about the horror and the
humor of the anxieties of daily life, the things we do that are embarrassing,
funny, but yet very human.Let's get started. Here's a well
(00:59):
adjusted moment from Lizze's life. SoI'm currently visiting Texas and as I opened
the door this morning, front door, there's a six foot rat snake blocking
my way. Oh my god,did you call nine one one? No,
Remy, I took pictures of videoslike everyone else would have, and
this has been a well adated momentfrom Lizze's life. You are most definitely
(01:25):
a glass half full kind of girl, which, okay, is perfect because
that leads me into what what thehell am I stressed out about today?
Liz? And what is stressing youout today. Okay, what is stressing
me out right now is a feeling, Liz. It is feeling that I
(01:53):
don't completely understand because I've never experiencedit before. And this is very interesting,
Liz. This is it as ifwe rehearse this, which anybody who's
listening, we did not. Wedo not talk about the podcast at all
until we are actually doing this.I was in my kitchen making a cup
(02:17):
of coffee. I turned around,I leaned against my stove, and I
was staring at a piece of arthanging on my wall, which says,
always see your glass as half full. Now did you not just say that?
Did? We just did not?I didn't. I've been in your
(02:38):
kitchen. I do not remember thatball hanging with a saying, but yeah,
it's been there for years. Now. Here's the thing. The only
reason that I have that piece ofart is because the colors match my kitchen
and the frame is the right sizeand shape for the like space. I
(03:00):
would never otherwise own such a thingbecause that mindset is polar opposite of me.
I would never own such it.This would be like a gift I
would give to you it Franks,to your mindset, it does not speak
to mine, but it fit perfectly, so I got it. Now,
if I were creating such art,it would say life sucks and then you
(03:24):
die. I'm not so how manypeople would buy that one, but okay,
I would buy it like I wouldmake it dollars mate, and then
like I would produce it for othersbecause I am positive others would feel the
same way to not people like you. I would never target people like you,
(03:46):
but you know whatever, Okay.So usually as I read this,
I read it and I giggle.Only this time this week, I am
leaning against stove and I'm drinking mycup of coffee and I read it and
I don't giggle. And I noticedinstantaneously that I don't giggle. Why am
(04:12):
I not giggling? I asked onmyself, and going would you say?
I said, why were you notgiggling? Exactly? Why why was I
not giggling? And I did nothave an answer. However, this then
becomes my obsessive thought of the week, and I couldn't stop thinking about it,
and I didn't have an answer,And where my fucked up mind went
(04:35):
took me to places that I neverexpected to go. So you want to
go on this fucked up trip withme. Sure, so you were you
were spacing into the fact that youhadn't laughed at that sign or what the
signment or was it all together?I know what the sign means, like
(04:58):
I know exactly what it means,but I usually laugh at it because I
think it's ridiculous. See the glasshalf full, be optimistic, be grateful,
see things as like like good inthe world. Please. It's such
bullshit. So I laugh at it, and I think of people like you.
(05:19):
You know, something horrible happens andyou can actually make light of it,
like, oh, your hotel roomhas overflowed. That's okay, I'll
put down some tails and no problem. Don't worry about me, worry about
the other forty people. I'm fine. Oh my car, all the tires
(05:40):
have been taken off my car.It's an inconvenience, but I'll get four
new tires. Yeah, come on, it's ridiculous. Be pissed off that
your car has no tires, Like, what is this glass half fullshit?
It's shit? Well with me,it is. I'll have that initial like
(06:03):
like when the tires or whatever,it's like, oh crap, But then
it's like I don't want to letmyself get into that any negative. So
if I can clear it out fiveor timents, sometimes it takes longer depending
on what kind of situation is.But if I can work my way through
it, it gets me to theend. That's how I get to the
other side, so that I'm notlike in down duldrums. I get it.
(06:26):
That must be a lovely place tolive. That is not where I
live. You know, I don'teven visit. It's not a place I
go to. I have heard thatplace exists. I just don't have a
ticket to enter. So here iswhere my mind went throughout the week,
(06:53):
because it was like a week longprocess. I go back to a kid,
like as a teenager I was.I was always a good kid,
and I had like a really nicegroup of friends who were all really good
kids. And I was never rebellious. I always got along great with my
parents. And not that I hada curfew. But if I would have
(07:15):
had a curfew, I would bucktin the kid who would have broken it.
You know, I didn't drink alcohol, I didn't do drugs, and
I was always a homebody. Sowhen I would get together with friends,
my preference was to invite them overto my house, my room, talk
(07:36):
rent movies, order pizza. Bythe time I met you, we were,
you know, in our twenties,and I was still living with my
parents, and you know, thething went like coming over to my house,
hang out my house, like Iwas always at home. That is
where I always wanted to be.The only major issue that was that really
(07:59):
existed between me and my parents wasacademically, like my grades always sucked and
I was always on the verge offailing something, and I always thought I
was going to be held back agrade. And the funny thing is the
only thing I ever failed was JIMand it was because I got I cursed
(08:22):
out my gym teacher, which wasby the way, well deserved. And
had I known, is she hadsaid I cursed her out, and she's
like, you are never to returnto JIM again, and you officially failed.
And had I known that, allI needed to do was curse her
(08:43):
out and I would have a freepass out at GIM, I wouldn't done
that so much sooner what a schmuckI didn't know. So anyway, I
was like not punished often. Theonly time I was ever punished were for
like horrible grades and pray. Myparents chose two interesting The way my parents
(09:13):
chose to punish me was by forcingme to make plans with friends out side
of the house. And they wouldsay, kids your age, have social
(09:33):
lives, call your friends, makeplans and go out. Liz, I
that hated the ink punished. Wow, that is a very different punishment than
I have. Quite the opposite.You are stuck inside. Here's a book,
(09:56):
no TV. There were no computersat the time, so not so
much fun for me. It wasget the fuck out of the house,
have a social life, God damnit. Meanwhile, my sister, who's
like three and a half years longer, you couldn't. You couldn't keep her
inside. She had like hundreds offriends, she had her own phone line.
(10:18):
She was like so busy, alwayson the eye. Please get out
of your room, Please get outof the house. No, I don't
want to. You can't make meokay again. No, this, in
all fairness, who was the eightiesand mental health disorders they really weren't like
(10:39):
recognized, diagnosed, or really discussedin any way at all. But like,
seriously, the fact that my punishmentwas forced me to be social,
that's actually punishment. Most parents wouldgive to their kids today because none of
(11:03):
them want to actually exit the house. Only right, that's right, would
prefer being on top and being onhis computer. Putting making him go outside.
You would think that you were likeskinning him or something. But even
like the kids who were inside ontheir computer, they're hooked up to their
computer friends, like like they're stillyou know, in this world being social
(11:26):
on the computer. Like do youwatch face oar tapes? Exactly? No.
My father, who was undiagnosed bipolarat that point until like twenty years
after that time, Thank you genetics, struggled terribly with it. My mother,
(11:48):
who was extremely anti social herself butalways pretended very very well not to
be again, thank you genetics alsoshould have known that something was very very
wrong. What Right wished for morethan anything during junior high, high school,
(12:16):
college was too simply be left alone, no social contact with anyone at
all, and quite frankly, thathas not changed. Oh yes, yeah,
you know, you are the onlyperson I should really tolerate for longer
(12:37):
than like, you know, fifteenminutes at a time. And really that's
kind of pushing it. Um precovid right, single mom, Yeah,
out in the world, running everyday, ever errands, living what appears
to be a fully functioning life,but yet beyond over whelmed. Okay,
(13:00):
the weight of the world on myshoulders up early school bus, paperwork,
emails, phone calls, invoices,receipts, client, client, client.
My youngest did not know a timewhen he didn't have a babysitter from after
pool until bedtime. Right right,I felt like I was running, And
(13:26):
I don't run like I'm like Iwas. You were running all day,
like I was running towards the gravewith no feasible way out. I didn't
know how to put the brakes on, how to take a step back,
how to reprioritize my life. Iwas going full force and I didn't know
(13:52):
how to stop. But like mymother, I have always He's been the
great pretender, with a smile onmy face, funny stories to tell,
making everyone else feel so good.I always worked so hard at pretending that
(14:18):
everything was okay. But I washolding on to what was left of my
mental health by a fucking string thatwas threatening to break. Not that anyone
would know, because no, Imean, even as we were talking during
(14:39):
the pandemic, I would talk toat one point and that we talked to
you at another point, and Ididn't always realize how much you were pretending
in front of your kids, andthat's even being at home, and how
much work you were doing in thatand trying to put a good face on
things. I was that I like, that was always my main job.
(15:01):
I always tried to keep it frommy fits, always, always, always,
always, And that was the hardestpart of the pandemic because I was
there with my kids. You werethe only person who knew how far from
okay that I was. There weretimes when things got really bad that I'd
(15:26):
let my mom in, but onlyso much. But from the outside,
I was functioning right while living withpanic and anxiety and depression every single day.
(15:46):
And then the world was hit withCOVID. Yeah, okay, So
before I say another word, ifthis is just sort of like a disclaimer,
because I want you already know,because we've had conversation and you already
(16:07):
know what's going to come out ofmy mouth. But I want anyone who's
listening to this to know that Iam so utterly aware of how devastating COVID
has been, the millions of deaths, the complete crash of our global economy,
the impact that isolation has had,the forced use of mask wearing,
(16:32):
how the abused had to remain inthe same health sohold with their abusers.
The impact on people's mental health.I mean, I get it. I
really understand the devastation that this virushas caused. Okay, complete disclaimer.
Now with that said, I understandhow horrible my next words are going to
(17:03):
sound. I honestly think you're goingto be the only one out there though.
Okay, you know you're not theonly one. I shared this with.
I shared this with you. Youtook a beat before you said anything.
I actually also shared this early onwith my mother, and he yelled
(17:26):
at me and said, don't youever say that again. Okay, but
here it is, and I'm goingto say, at this again, I
am, thanks to COVID personally thriving. I know that I am probably in
(17:49):
a minority here, I get it. But COVID has given me a totally
different way of living, a totallydifferent way of life. My mother was
so angry at me, and whenI said, actually, I'm kind of
(18:11):
thriving, she yelled at me,don't you ever say that again. I
mean, she had friends that died. It was I understand. I get
it. For me, being outsideis bad. It's danger, danger,
danger. I am so hyper awareof everything that I can't help to turn
(18:38):
the teeniest, tiniest little thing intosomething so completely catastrophic. So thank God,
like I have a legit reason tonot be in the world, because
even as the world opened, Idecided not to join it. When the
lockdown occurred, it was as ifGod himself said, you know the way
(19:07):
that really weird woman, Remy Brooks, wants to live in total isolation where
nobody leaves their house. How aboutwe try that, but for the entire
world. What the hell, Let'sget that a shot and see what happens.
As if God himself said, youknow what, Len, you may
(19:33):
be onto something. And suddenly,for the first and my life is I
wasn't the outcast right, And Ihad never felt so calm, And it
was the first time that I recallliving a life without anxiety. And that's
(19:59):
not to say that because when COVIDhit, I was so fearful of it
too, and you know what wasgoing to happen and how this was affecting
everything. I mean, I wasterrified, but it was a different kind
of terrified. It wasn't my personalanxiety. I was living a life without
my crazy anxiety. And it wassuch an amazing relief, and it was
(20:26):
beautiful. We're going to take aquick break and we'll be right back now.
In all fairness, unlike so manyother people, my kids were at
an age where they could do virtualschool on their own right, take care
(20:48):
of themselves more or less exactly.So I got to sleep in until like
one two o'clock in the afternoon everysingle day. I got to drink NonStop
cups of coffee and chain smoke inmy garage and binge, watch TV and
(21:11):
talk to no one except my kids. I was living my fantasy life.
And then something very strange happened thatI never in a million years I thought
(21:33):
would occur. What was that?My tvr very quickly somehow, with seven
percentful to zero. Now, fearnot, Liz. I did have Netflix
and I did have Amazon Prime,but like in no time at all,
(21:57):
I very clear, huh, Andnow I was facing uncharted territory. What
does one do when you literally haveno TV to watch? I did not
know this answer, because I'm noton social media. I had no idea
what people did. So I askeda friend, and apparently people were cooking
(22:22):
elaborate meals. However, I don'teven know how to scramble eggs, so
that was not something that was forme. Not No, apparently, somehow,
and I still don't understand what thisis all about. People were baking
sour dough bread. That became athing, that was a big thing.
(22:44):
It was hard to find. Youstop telling it. I don't get that.
I don't know how that became athing. Dy projects became a thing.
I don't own a hammer. Thatwas not going to be a thing
for me. So I figured ifI had no TV to watch, then
(23:06):
clearly I would write my own TV. Right, right, So I picked
up an old hobby that I droppedbecause I didn't have time to pursue it.
So in nineteen ninety four, theweek after I graduated college, I
moved out to LA to pursue writingand acting, which clearly went nowhere,
(23:30):
says the therapist. So now here'sCOVID, right, perfect opportunity to all
the entire world slowed down, andnow I had time to write from beginning
to end. And I realized thatI still left it, and I was
(23:56):
still good at it, and Iwrote like many different TV scripts and two
of them, both thirty minute dramedies, were picked up, and I somehow
became a client of a TV productioncompany called Voyage Media, and I have
(24:18):
shopping agreements for both of these scripts, and this same production company is now
producing this podcast. Like how thefuck do you jump to here? Like?
Who would? Life is crazy?It's crazy. Professionally, telehealth becomes
a thing right right, which noone did before. What the hell?
(24:42):
I honestly, I never even heardof telehealth before. I never heard of
zoom, and suddenly I'm seeing clientsover zoom. And in the meantime,
I realize, which was like thegreatest thing in world, that there was
no reason that I have to getout of my pajamas. No, you
(25:06):
never have to see a client inyour household again, never again. I
wasn't leaving the house, and Iwas a much happier human being in pajamas
than I was in clothes. Andby the way, I recommend it to
people, it's fabulous. So evenwhen the lockdown ended and the world started
becoming more normal, I felt freeto continue saying no to social and family
(25:30):
expectations and my baseline, anxiety stayeddown, and we're like past two years
into COVID, and I only goout when I have to, and I
rarely have to, and I amliving a mostly anxiety free light. Oh
oh, Liz, something awful happenedthis past week and my anxiety, which
(25:56):
I have not felt in over twoyears, skyrocketed through the roof. It
was awful. What I thought?I get an evite to Randy's seventieth birthday
party. No, no, Ihave not been to a social event in
(26:18):
over two years. I can't dothis. I cannot. I can't do
this, and I don't want todo this. And I remember you telling
me about what the first time youwent out to a restaurant when COVID once
everyone started getting their shots, andjust a restaurant with a couple of people,
you knew You're now talking about aparty. There's no there's there's absolutely
(26:41):
no way I can do this.And I'm scrolling to see like how many
people have been invited now and alreadyRSVP, and I may be slightly exaggerating,
Okay, so we can take thatadd into account that there might be
(27:02):
a slight exaggeration, but roughly eighthundred and thirty two thousand people are going
to this party in the so aboutzero one of that, About eight hundred
and thirty two thousand people are goingto this party. Okay. So in
(27:22):
the last two years, I haveworked my way up. I have gotten
together in a group with my immediatefamily consisting of no larger than eight people,
and I am fucking proud of myselfto have gotten to that point.
Okay, So there is no waythat I can attend a party of nine
(27:52):
hundred and sixty seven thousand people.I can't see that group quickly. I'm
pretty sure it was the exact samenumber I told you before. It's it's
about a hundred a million. It'sclose to a million people. And by
(28:12):
the time I'm anything I want tosay, I might be slightly exaggerating the
numbers, but not by much.By the time I got this invitation,
it was too late to call mymother. She was already asleep. So
I was like done. I canask yes, because the answer was no.
(28:38):
There was no way in hell Iwas going to this party. There
there was no way, and Iknew that she was. She was going
to be upset. I'm her kid, and this is her husband, and
of course I should be there.Um, all of the family is going
to be there, and how couldI not show up? And this was
going to be a thing and thelast thing in the world. Old I
(29:00):
wanted to just upset my mother.I don't want to upset my mother.
I'm like, so scared of mymother, you know, so I don't
want to upset her. But I'mnot going. I can't go. I
was up all night long panicking.So the next and I take sleeping pills
and I still couldn't sleep. SoI took more sleeping pills, but I
still couldn't sleep. So now I'mlike close to overdosing. But I so
(29:25):
can't sleep and I'm terrified and I'mscared and I'm full of anxiety. And
I finally get her the next dayand I'm like, I can't, I
can't, I can't. She's likewhat, And I'm like the invitation Randy's
Burgle party, I can't, Ican't, I can't. And she's like,
oh, honey, where already knewthat? Oh wow? Why would
you not have given me a headsup? Why would you would have put
(29:51):
me through that? Why would youhave made such a big deal out of
that. So she was so wrong. She was just she was so wrong.
Anyway, here's the thing again thatCOVID did for me. It was
because and during COVID, because Ihad always hid and pretended that, you
(30:17):
know, I didn't have any problems. I'm okay, I can handle things
that had I not. It wasover these last two years that I became
so much more verbal about my mentalhealth issues with my family. And which
is really good? Would you say? Which was really good? Because I
(30:38):
don't think they realized how much certainsituations really that it wasn't just that you
didn't want to because you didn't wantto, There was something behind it exactly.
Had that not happened, I wouldnever have been able to attend the
party, and they would have assumedthat it was just a big fuck you.
Yeah, And how would I havebeen able to explain, you know?
(31:02):
So it opened up all of thiscommunication between me and my family,
and it also it taught me toprioritize my mental health, which is amazing
and strangely enough, it even translatedinto my practice too, because before I
used to take on any client thatcame through, and I stop doing that.
(31:26):
I now only work with clients thatI truly enjoy working with, because
I really want to enjoy the workI do. So if there's a client
that comes through that I don't personallylike really like to work with, I
refer them out, which is somethingI never expected to occur. And it's
(31:48):
interesting because since that happened, I'vestarted to get more and more phone calls
and the practice started to grow.Oh, it's very it's so weird,
and like things with my kids havechanged, like there will never be another
babysitter and I will always have timeto help with homework and I will never
miss bedtime routine again, and likeI will now I write all the time,
(32:13):
and it's not just something that Ilike to do. It's become something
that I really need to do.I think, my darling, that feeling
that I didn't know what it was. Dare I say, I think I'm
feeling optimistic about how my life isgoing right now, which is kind of
(32:44):
crazy and kind of good and unlikeyou, I was never that person that
was like about gratitude. I mean, I be grateful when the next horrible
thing is just waiting around the corner, and get prepared for the horrible be
prepared for the horrible, but I'mactually feeling quateful. So like, yeah,
(33:07):
I'm still the weird one who prefersto stay home in pajamas at all
times, but that's okay. Ilike, and you still have your ups
and dinners. It's not that you'resaying that you don't have those anxious moments
(33:28):
or and I know what, thekids starting to kind of get out of
the house too, allows you sometime to, like you're not twenty four
seven having to put on a phasethat you can, you know, take
some time for yourself now that everyone'skind of getting out of the house and
back to school and stuff. SoI think that helps too, so much,
It helps so much. And it'slike I think that I'm feeling more
(33:55):
like you in that, like you'vealways been very grateful for your family,
and like you're you're you're a gratefulperson, Like I am grateful for my
family and their understanding and their supportand something that I've always taken for granted,
which is interesting because even even thoughmy dad died so young, you
(34:21):
know, I've like kind of takenit for granted because of COVID. Through
COVID, and I feel like weyou me, my kids were like the
only people left on earth that haven'tgotten COVID yet. Like I don't know,
I feel like we're the last remaining. But yes, I'm like so
(34:42):
grateful for just like everybody's health andfor my much slower pace of life and
for renewing like this old passion andrealizing that it's still there and strong and
oh my godless on my be turninginto one of these grateful people, which
is so not me and should passreally really soon. But for the moment,
(35:07):
I'm just I'm appreciating it. Ithink, yeah that the bottom line
is I knew I needed to makea huge change in my life, but
I didn't know how to do it. Yeah, and for me, COVID
(35:29):
elicited that change, and I don'tever want to go back to the way
I was living before. And likeso I understand and see this is where
you see. Of all the horrorsthat there were because of COVID, as
you stated them before, oh mygoodness, your glass halfful is you were
able to take something from it andchange how you were living your life to
(35:52):
make it, you know, lessstressful, less anxiety, you know,
having less anxiety. So now seeingthe glasses halfful. It won't happen all
the time. No, I'm sureit won't. I'm sure the feeling will
pass quickly. But for right now, I'm going to take that as a
(36:12):
win. And I think that thatis why I looked at that piece of
art and didn't didn't laugh. SoI think I realized it before I realized
it, you know what I mean? Yep. Yeah, Well, you
know, there's so many ups anddowns that people have gone through and they're
(36:35):
you know, obviously there are peopleout there that became isolated, but I
do think that there are people outthere that realized, hey, I want
to work from home. I wantto have the flexibility to stay with my
family and you know, not spendan hour driving to a job in an
hour driving home from a job.And I think it has allowed a lot
of people to kind of reprioritize andsee, you know, what's important to
(36:59):
them. You know, I wishsome more people would kind of take that
in line and would less be walkingdown hallways saying what the f and blah
blah blah and realize, you know, it's not the worst thing in life.
It's an inconvenience, but they're farworse things out there, you know.
(37:21):
And if it only happens to everyonce in a while to see the
glass half full, at least you'restanding in half full. That's a wonderful
way to view it. Yep,it's a nice change. Oh, I'm
glad it's happening for you. AndI'm glad it happened for you because I
know over the years, you knowhow I never realized, you know,
until as you started telling me asto how just anxious just regular situations.
(37:45):
I know you didn't like you didn'tlike getting lost, but just out there
driving or meeting new people or youknow, I was always happy to go
to your house for like, youknow, yeah who or one of the
you know, one of the holidaysand stuff, and you detested it and
not realizing it wasn't just that youdidn't want to spend time with your family,
it was just the whole anxiety ofbeing there with all the people and
that whole situation. Yeah, itwas like every little thing was so you
(38:14):
know, so much anxiety was attachedto everything. So it's just it's a
it's a nice break, Liz,It's it's a nice break, And I'm
going to take the break for aslong as I possibly can, and if
this becomes, you know, mynew reality, then just how wonderful would
that be. So I'm hanging ontoit for as long as possible. Absolutely,
(38:37):
thank you, my darling, Well, thank you. I think it's
good that people know that there werethat they are different experiences to come out
of that whole situation with COVID,that some of them were definitely negative,
but some of them were positive,and that if it's like you and it's
being a little bit more not outthere in the world, but still being
out there in the world in yourown way, what works and functions for
(39:00):
you, that that's okay, youknow, And I think that's what it
is. By saying someone, Okay, I can do my work online and
I can interact with people, butI don't always have to be out there
with everyone all the time. Ithink that's good for people to know that
that, you know, it's allright. Yeah. I think that again,
it has impacted everybody on such differentlevels, but that I think we're
(39:24):
going to get a lot of feedbackhearing how it has impacted people so differently.
Absolutely, you can reach us atVoyage Media, at Twitter, Instagram
and on Facebook. And you canreach out directly to me at Panicked Remy
(39:45):
on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.