It’s a Lovely Superpower To Have

Remi and Liz discuss the changes you experience post age 40, including sneeze-related injuries, “floaters” in your vision, and Remi shares a TMI detail about her sex life that led to remarkably effective hormone replacement therapy and made her an office legend with her doctor.

If you're enjoying the show, please leave a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts, and subscribe for future episodes.

Episode Transcript

(00:08):
Welcome to my weekly panic Attack.I'm your host, Rennie Brooks. I've
been a licensed psychotherapist for over twentyyears and run a thriving private practice.
I'm also diagnosed bipolar an OCD.Often the two do not mix well,
which tends to throw my life intocomplete chaos. So as I do some

(00:32):
spiraling, my best friend Liz Winwill do her best to ground me a
bit. During this podcast, we'llbe talking about the horror and the humor
of the anxieties of daily life,the things we do that are embarrassing,
funny, but yet very human.Let's get started, and there's no better

(00:57):
way to get started than by beginningthis episode and all episodes with my friend
and co host, the beautiful,intelligent, and ever rational Liz When Hide
Liz, how are you good?How are you doing today, Remy,

(01:19):
I'm good. We are talking abouta really interesting topic today. We're talking
about how the decade of our fortiesreally kicked our asses. So this should
be a lot of fun. Somany strange and unexpected things occurred, and

(01:40):
I also learned a lot of newwords along the way too, So really
an interesting topic, very interesting topic. I know kicked our asses, but
First, here's a well adjusted momentfrom lizze Is life. So I just

(02:01):
got a brand new die job ofthat like dark burgundy to like a flaming
red, and my mother doesn't seemto like it very much. She thinks
it's a little too young for me, too young. So I'm guessing clearly
you passive aggressively ignored her for thenext two weeks. Right, no,

(02:25):
no, no, no. Wehad a conversation about it and agreed to
disagree, and she apologized and nowwe're good. Oh and this has been
a well adjusted moment from Liz's life. Liz, Yes, guess what time

(02:46):
it is? What time is it? It is time for me to tell
you what the hell I'm stressed outabout. Now? Now, now,
what is stressing you out this week? I'm stressed because I've needed to add

(03:07):
yet another doctor to my repertoire ofdoctors. Really, yes, I have
been seeing a chiropractor for the lasttwo weeks. And now it's not because
of the incredible sex that I've beenhaving. And it's also not because of

(03:30):
the intense workouts that I participate in. Really that surprising, Yes, for
all of those who do not know, that was sarcasm at its finest,
because my workouts consist of moving myass from the couch to my garage and

(03:52):
then from my garage back to mycouch. Although I do think it's notable
to add that my thumb gets agreat workout from all of the remote control
use that it gets. Would youagree with that one? That is absolutely
true. You have very Olympic thumb, very strong thumb. Yes, And

(04:15):
to be fair, my wrist mustbe so strong from lifting the cigarette up
and then putting it back down,lifting the coffee cup up and then putting
it back down repeatedly, on andon a very very strong wrist. But

(04:43):
alass, Liz, none of thoseare the reasons why I ended up in
the chiropractor's office. Okay, sowhat happened that made you have to go
to a chiropractor? Well, thesad truth is that I sneezed. I

(05:10):
I hear it, I hear yourpain. I have worn twenty five year
olds that when you turned twenty fiveyou will turn to a friend to say
hi, and your neck will beout for three days. So a sneeze
look sneezes nowadays could mean that youlike hurt your neck or you like weed
yourself, so you know that's howit goes. It wasn't even one of

(05:34):
those sneezes that like you feel itfrom your toes and it goes all through
your body and it's like, ohmy god, what a sneeze. It
wasn't. It was just it wasa little at you, and then something
happened. It was at you,and then from like my jaw downs,

(05:58):
my ash cheeks, everything went out. And I get to the chiropractor and
he looked at me quite questionably,may I add, and asked me how
old I was, and I saidto him, I'm turning fifty this year,
and he says, oh, seemore. This goes back into my

(06:19):
mindset. He says, oh,you don't look like you're turning fifty,
And there exact plan. For asecond, I forgot about the pain,
and I smiled and I was happy. But then he said, but it
does make sense. You're at thatage where things like this become common.

(06:48):
And then I kind of wanted toslap him. I'm at that age.
Oh my god. I have tohonestly say that I never really paid attention

(07:11):
to how my body changed during myforties, but now as I am quickly,
quickly, quickly, quickly leaving myforties and with the chiropractors comment replaying
itself at my head, you're atthat age. It made me start thinking

(07:36):
about all of the many things thathave changed over the last ten years.
And while I probably paid attention toit at the time, I think I
just kind of let it go untilI sneezed and was told I thought I'm

(08:00):
at that bad age. At leastyou even finished it off by saying,
ma'am, oh, that would havebeen bad. Yeah. When we said
during the last episode that we weregoing to talk about the forties and how
they kicked her ass, you mentionedsomething about talking to your nieces and her

(08:24):
nephew about naps. Yes, whatdid you say? I said, take
naps while you can, because whenyou get older you will not be able
to when you were working. Andthey laughed at me, and the one
who's now in her twenties is like, yeah, I really should have taken
some of those naps. I said, I warned you. Hey, look,

(08:46):
I laughed at my mother for someof the stuff that we're about to
talk about because I was like,oh, I don't know what you're talking
about. And now I'm doing it, or say, seeing some of the
same things, and it's not pretty. Not pretty. Naps are soasted on
the young. Like I don't knowif I've ever mentioned this before, but
I literally schedule my clients around mynap schedule. Wow. I look forward

(09:13):
to my nap every single day.It's like I need it, It's something
I look forward to. It hasbecome an absolute necessity. I love napping.
I love It's so wasted on theyoung. You know what, there's
youth has wasted on the young.We should all Benjamin Button through life.

(09:33):
We should go backwards when we willappreciate all of this. You are so
right about that. Um. Andhow about the fact that I can't hear
anymore? And I think I've realizedthis during the mask mandates. It was
the I've realized that I complain letelydepend on reading people's lips in order to

(10:05):
hear and to process what they're saying. So that when people were wearing masks
and they were you know, everybody'slips were covered, I heard nothing.
I had no idea. Yeah,you're the same way. Yeah. I
was constantly explaining to people, andI would say to them. I never
realized how much I relied on andI'm not sure some of that is definitely

(10:26):
the old thing, but how muchyou rely on both the hearing and the
scene of the lips to get thecontext of what a set being said.
You just but if you have alittle bit of a hearing issue, it
makes a big difference. I wentthroughout the pandemic just apologizing for people to
repeat fifty times what they were saying. Absolutely, I couldn't hear a word
that anybody was saying. And evenwithout the mask, like at home,

(10:50):
when my kids are talking to me, I am repeatedly saying, can you
please speak up? I cannot hearyou. I hear not thing, none
of what you're saying. Are youtalking to me? I cannot hear you.
My TV's volume is set to sixty, which apparently is very loud,
because my children, when I hearwhat they're saying, I have no idea.

(11:18):
Now, okay, now, whileI can't hear people talking to me,
right, I hear things that Iwish so badly I could not hear
if someone is tapping their fingers,okay, or like snapping their nails,

(11:41):
or like shuffling their feet. I'mdying it's killing me. I was just
in the chiropractor's waiting room and somebodywas jingling their keys, like shoot me
in the fucking face. I couldhear someboddy clicking their pen from three blocks

(12:03):
over and two blocks down, andI want to rip their goddamn head off.
And it's actually, I think alwaysbeen that way for me. This
is not like a forties thing.I think I'm getting off topic, but
picture this undergrad Penn State main campuslecture hall holds three hundred people. I'm

(12:31):
sitting in the middle of an aisle, so I'm already beyond annoyed. The
professor is talking and I'm taking notes. All of a sudden, I hear
someone clicking their pen. The professordisappears as I enter a tunnel like a

(12:54):
vacuum, where nothing else exists exceptfor my three bobbing head and a clicking
pen. And I searched through twohundred and ninety nine people until I find
the culprit. I hard stare untilhe notices me and makes eye contact,

(13:18):
and then I pick up my imaginarypen and begin clicking the imaginary top and
over exaggerate the words stop clicking.He understands, puts his hand, his
hand up to say sorry, laysdown his pen. Immediately I come out

(13:43):
of this tunnel. I see theprofessor again. I'm able to hear him.
I begin to take notes. Clickclick, click, click, and
back through the tunnel. I go, my eyes straight to the culprit.
He looks back at me, andI angrily click my invisible pen, mouthing

(14:07):
stop with a quick wave and anouved sorry. He puts his pen down
the third time I heard the clickingpen. I pack up my backpack,
stand up, walk out of myaisle. Excuse me, sorry, sorry,

(14:30):
excuse me. I'm so sorry,excuse me. I walk up the
stairs to the very back of thelecture hall, walk all the way around
until I get to the culprit section. I walk down the steps to his
robe, put my book back down. Excuse me, sorry, sorry,
excuse me. And now I'm standingright next to the culprit. I grabbed

(14:52):
the pen right out of his hand, and he had the nerve to ask
me what are you doing? AndI answer, you're a fucking asshole,
and then I leave the aisle.Excuse me, so, I'm so sorry,
sorry, excuse me. The professorlooks up and says, is there

(15:16):
a problem? Not anymore, Ipick up my backpack, leave the lecture
hall, and throw his pin outin the very first trash can I can
find. So for all of youpen clickers out there, I would like

(15:39):
to speak on behalf of the overlystimulated population of people who quite literally find
that noise painful. You know thephrase it's like nails on a chalkboard.

(16:00):
The clicking of a pen is worsethan that. Does that affect you at
all? It does, but notto the extent of you probably would not
have gotten up and taking his penthrown it out. Would it have distracted
you from like listening to a lectureor getting work done? Or would it

(16:26):
have distracted you? I am ableto refocus away from that. Okay,
all right, So I am unable, and I believe that there are many
many people like me. So forfor the pen clickers, please stop.

(16:49):
Don't just stop, like don't evenget pens that have I think that clicking
pens should be outlawed, like Idon't even know what they exist. I
was advocating on behalf of one ofmy one of my private clients at their
IEP meeting, and the principle wasattending this meeting, and he was a

(17:12):
pen clicker, and after I's verynicely interrupted the meeting twice to ask him
to please stop clicking his pen,and he just he was unable to comply.

(17:34):
I stood up, walked over tohim and took his pen. Oh
my god, No, I cansee that for someone it could absolutely be
distracting, because then it's like Ihave Tonidas and it's starting to get a
little bit worse as they get older, and there are times where it's very

(17:55):
hard for me to not to lockthat out. So I can imagine with
someone where you can actually tell themto stop what they're doing and they don't
that that's a big problem. It'sit's a huge problem. You know.
It's it's so annoying. I can'ttake it, you know, it's it's
it's not to be taken. Ican't do it. It should not happen.

(18:15):
It just should not happen. Soall right, I don't know I
got off the main topic. Ithink we covered the fact that we have
it that I can't hear people talkingto me, So let's move on.
One night, also in my forties, I went to bed completely fine.

(18:40):
I it was an uneventful day withan equally uneventful night's sleep. Okay,
I woke up the next morning bymy alarm, so it took me a
little bit of time to like openmy eyes and get situated to the light
of the new day. And asmy eyes began to adjust, I see

(19:07):
these gnats flying like all around mefloaties. Wow. Yep. So I'm
in my bed and I have bugsflying everywhere. I'm being sworn by bugs.
And let me tell you, underno circumstance, is this a good

(19:32):
way to start your day. Ijump out of bed, I'm flailing my
arms everywhere. I'm screaming because mybedroom is full of bugs. I opened
the bedroom door, and the gnatsaren't just in my bedroom. They're in
the hallway, They're everywhere. Mykids hear me screaming. They're running out
of their bedrooms to see what's wrong. They're terrified. Now, I have

(19:55):
always had I don't have many rules. I mean, I've got really good
kids, but I have a hardfast role in my house that under no
circumstances should there ever be any foodupstairs, and the only liquid upstairs is
water, because I don't want bugs, especially in our bedrooms. Now,

(20:15):
in my lifetime, I have beenpoor, poor, poor, poor,
and then there have been times whenI haven't been poor, regardless of my
financial situation. The one luxury,and I'm going to call it a luxury

(20:37):
because I think that other people mightcall it a luxury, but I consider
it a necessity. But okay,I'm going to call it a luxury.
The one luxury that I've always allowedmyself is to have a monthly exterminator.
And that's because I'm terrified of bugs, and this helps me to alleviate that

(21:00):
fear. Both the exterminator and thepact that I made with Mother Nature a
very very long time ago. Ihad a conversation with Mother Nature, okay,

(21:22):
and she and I agreed that shewill do her very very best to
keep all of her creatures out ofmy house as long as I do my
very best to stay out of herhouse. You know, like, oh,
so you don't go out in nature, so nature doesn't come into you

(21:45):
exactly, I will stay away fromthe outdoors, and this is my problem.
Then I have not stayed away fromthe outdoors, so that's why they
at times come in the house.Okay, you understand the mist you have
made I do now. I didn'tknow that. Okay. So you who
go camping and go outside and dolike outdoor things, of course you're gonna

(22:15):
have mother nature things in your home. You know, you haven't made this
pack with mother nature, you knowI have. I don't go outside.
If I could have a concrete houseand you know, with like no windows
or nothing like that, I woulddo that. That's the way I would
live. Yet I never look outmy window. I never pull up my

(22:37):
blinds, I never look out mycurtains. I don't go outside. You
know. I put in a doggydoorso that I don't ever have to take
the dog out for a walk.You know, I have no idea ever
what the weather is like. Itcould be summer, it could be winner.
I don't know. I don't gooutdoors. It's a packed that I
made with Mother Nature, and Ithink it works out very well for both

(23:00):
of us. We're gonna take aquick break and we'll be right back.
So getting back to the fact thatthere are bugs everywhere in my house,
and I am absolutely terrified. Mykids are looking at me like I have
lost my goddamn mind, and theyare assuring me that there are no bugs.

(23:25):
In the house. But I don'tbelieve them, Liz, because they're
right in front of my fucking face, and yet my kids don't see them.
And they suggest that something may bewrong with my vision. But how
can that be because yesterday, justyesterday, I was seeing perfectly fine.

(23:51):
So as soon as they left forschool, I called a bunch of local
eye doctors and I went to thefirst one that could see me, like
right there in there. And letme tell you that driving when you have
no real line of vision because you'rebeing attacked by thousands of bugs was not

(24:11):
an easy car ride to make.The doctor does the exam, right,
and she tells me that I havefloaters. Oh what the fucker floaters?
So do you know what this is? I do know what floaters are,
Yes, okay, do you havethem? I do. I just realized

(24:34):
I had them a couple of yearsago when I was at an art installation
where I was looking at a darksky and all of a sudden, I'm
like, hey, looked are allthese satellite things? And my partner was
like, there's nothing out there.You're not saying anything, And I realized,
Oh, I've got floaters now,yeah, okay, So how did
you even know what floaters were?My stepfather had them really bad. He

(24:57):
had like chunky, big that wouldfloat in front of his eyes. That
was the only reason I knew,because he had it. And then I
realized, well, if I'm seeingit, no one else's and I'm not
crazy, it must be that Ihave floaters now, because that's what you
get when you get old floaters.So for people who don't know what floaters
are, it is a jelly likematerial that begins to clump up and floats

(25:25):
in your eyeball and cast shadows onyour retina, which is the part of
the eye that interprets what you see, and it gets in the way of
your line of vision. And it'sapparently very very common once you get to

(25:47):
a certain age. Heard that before, Yes, so I handled this very
well. I'm speaking to the eyedoctor and I'm like, okay, so
how do we get rid of this? Do you give me drops? Do
you suck them out? Somehow?This a surgery make this go away?

(26:17):
But it turns out there's no treatment. Yeah, I don't know how this
is possible. This is very commonand yet no treatment. So I'm supposed
to live this way for the restof my life. Am I supposed to
see thousands of books everywhere I lookforever? How am I going to drive?

(26:44):
How am I going to read?How am I going to watch TV?
I'm told that at some point thefloaters will fall down to the bottom
of my eyeball. Yeah, theystarted settling during the day, and the

(27:08):
ones that don't fall down, I'llget used to get used to this.
Never, I will never get usedto this long story short, I got

(27:29):
used to it. Did you getused to yours? Yes? Yes.
At some point my entire vision startedchanging. I first noticed it when I
took my youngest to get fast foodand realized that I couldn't read the neon
sign. It was a very largesign. I should have been able to

(27:53):
read it, and yet I couldnot. I could no longer read me
on at all. But like Icould live the rest of my life not
reading neon, I would agree withyou, YEA not a big deal.

(28:14):
But as time began to pass,I began to realize that I no longer
could read anything. I couldn't reada book, I couldn't read directions,
I couldn't read my kids homework.I couldn't read or really see any think

(28:41):
I've always had twenty twenty vision,right, Actually, I mean, like
my entire life, I've always haddouble vision. So I like to say
that I felt always had twenty twentytwenty twenty vision because you know it's double.
But right, clearly this was nolonger the case because I could see

(29:03):
nothing. So I scheduled an appointmentwith an eye doctor who ran a whole
bunch of tests and then after thetest told me that I had twenty twenty
vision. And this was un helpfulbecause how could I have twenty twenty twenty
twenty vision and not be able tosee any anything? Yeah? Right,

(29:30):
Like the doesn't make sense it right. The only thing that does make sense
about that is obviously the doctor Isaw sucked. So I scheduled another appointment
with a totally different doctor, andhe ran all the tests, all the
tests, and he said to methat I had twenty twenty vision. It

(29:56):
is an interesting thing thing to havetwenty twenty twenty twenty vision and not be
able to see It's very interesting.So at some point I met up with

(30:17):
a friend of mine and we alwaysmeet at this one particular diner, and
I pick up the menu and Ican't read it, and I pulled it
away from me and close to me, and up and down and then exactly
and then I just gave up.I closed it, And quite honestly,
I don't even know why I bothered. This is the only diner we ever

(30:37):
go to, and I always orderedthe exact same thing. So why I
bothered with the menu in the firstplace, I have no idea, But
I'm glad I did, because sheasked me what the hell was going on
with my eyes, and I explained, I am someone who has twenty twenty
twenty twenty vision and yet can't seea goddamn thing. And she said,

(30:57):
you probably just cheaters. O.Cheaters. Yeah, what are cheaters?
Yet another new word to me.So she explains, they're just magnifying glasses,
and she happened to have a pairon her. I tried them on,
and I picked up the menu,and oh my god, I could

(31:22):
read. It was a freaking miracle. I could see again with the granny
glasses. Yeah, and it's amazing. Absolutely, I'm amazing. So I
now have a pair of cheaters inmy car and in every single room in

(31:47):
my house, and I need themfor absolutely everything. They are the greatest
and I have to say, seeingafter being blind, it is a wonderful
thing that I no longer take forgranted. Absolutely, absolutely, really,

(32:12):
those cheaters absolutely changed my life.Okay, another major thing we talked about
knaps, but there was a timewhen one knap was no longer working for
me. I was, and Ithink you're going to remember this time vividly.

(32:37):
Actually, I was beyond exhausted allthe time. Yes, parts of
my body that had no reason tohurt was hurting. Different places started swelling
for no apparent reason. I wasexperiencing such memory Marie fog all the time.

(33:04):
And I was snappy. And somepeople may think me being snappy would
not be so strange, but honestly, I'm hardly ever snappy with my kids.
Right, Another thing like clumps,huge clumps of hair began falling out,

(33:25):
and there were like so many othersymptoms, but I don't remember what
they were. I was concerned therewas something very very wrong with me,
and I saw my doctor who sentme to specialist after specialist after specialist.

(33:52):
So much blood was drawn and somany tests were run and no one could
find the answer. And yeah,that's right, you were having like migraines
and everything, and they couldn't figureout anything. They kept sending you from
one doctor to another to another.It was over. It was over a
year. The whole process was overa year, and I was sick.

(34:16):
I was sick, and I wasscared because something was wrong. I had
my yearly visit with the greatest gynecologistin the entire world. Love her,
She's one of my most favorite people, just saying. She asked if I

(34:37):
had any new medical issues. Why, yes, yes I do. I
told her everything that's been going onplus more. Now we're entering a TMI
moment. I told her that myentire actual life, I have been able

(35:01):
to reach orgasm so easily. It'salways been kind of like my superpower.
It's a lovely superpowers to have,lovely, and then within this last year,

(35:22):
it stopped. It just stopped,right as if I had reached my
lifetime amount of orgasms and I wasallowed no more. Done with it,
done and over. And she tellsme, I'm in my mid forties and

(35:44):
no doctor I saw and I sawmany. This was shameful. Yeah,
no one thought that this could possiblybe hormonalre menopauzzle. Perhaps she believed,

(36:04):
like immediately that I went through ayear of testing for nothing, for nothing,
and you didn't believe her either.I did. There was something so
wrong, lits so wrong. Shewas absolutely positive it was about my hormone
levels. And she was out right, utterly disgusted that with all the doctors

(36:31):
I'd seen, and oh my god, had I seen so many doctors,
not one had mentioned going to thegynecologist. I remember when you told me
that. I thought that was soshameful because I thought it made sense.
You're in your mid forties, that'ssomething that happens, and you know crazy.

(36:53):
Please listen, I'm telling everyone whowas listening to this podcast, once
you enter your forties or later,if your body seems off, if you're
feeling sick, if strange things arehappening, see your gynecologist, get your

(37:25):
hormone levels tested. Please avoid themistakes I made. I was sick.
I was really sick for over ayear before this was figured out. So
the best kind of coologist ever rana full hormonal panel on me, and

(37:50):
it turned out that I no longerhad any female hormones left in my system.
I remember you saying that I wasI didn't even know that was possible.
I was basically a dude without adick. So she put me on

(38:14):
hormone replacement therapy, and Liz,oh my god, my entire life changed.
Hormone replacement therapy was the greatest thingin the entire world. First and

(38:35):
foremost and most importantly, it tookaway all of those feeling sick symptoms.
But in addition to that, Iwas able to orgasm by doing basically nothing,
I mean like walking up and down. This STAPs was almost enough.

(39:02):
It was wonderful and may have beenthe greatest time of my life. And
then maybe about six months later,right I suppose, my body got used

(39:22):
to all the hormones and kind ofregulated, and that incredible feeling of being
able to orgasm without having to doanything just kind of went away. Only
I wasn't expecting it to go away, because nobody told me it was going
to go away. So I packedand I called my Dino's office, and

(39:45):
the receptionists picked up. Thank youfor calling blah Blah's office. How can
I help you? I can't orgasm? What she expects when she asked,
says hello, what, I'm sorry, I can't orgasm. Who's your doctor?

(40:10):
I'll connect you to the nurse.Now I'm connected to the nurse.
Hello, I can't orgasm. I'msorry. That sounds awful. Who are
you well, I already told itthat. I'll tell the doctor and we'll

(40:35):
get back to you. So thebest guy no ever switches up my formula
and it works for a while,and then it stops. Thank you for
calling, blah blah, Office Hawk, and I help you. I can't
orgasm. Is this Remy? Noneed your bootline? It is, I

(41:06):
can't orgasm. I'll connect you tothe nurse. Hi, Remy, So
you can't orgasm. I can't orgasm. I'll talk to the doctor and we'll

(41:27):
get back to you. The hormonechanged again. It was wonderful until it
wasn't. I called again. Solet me tell you. When I went
in for my yearly visit and Ichecked in with the receptionist, she said

(41:51):
with such enthusiasm, Oh you're realmy, the organs as some lady. What
I said, why are you sayingit? She's been the talk of the
office for the past coupounds. Shegoes, It's it's just that I've spoken

(42:15):
to you so many times, andnow I finally faced to the name.
Then she turns to the other receptionistat the desk, and she says,
this is Ny. I'm sure Iprobably should have been embarrassed because I was

(42:38):
not. So I hear you whatand whats of changes happened in my forties?
I mean I went off, wentblind, kind of became a man.

(42:58):
And now I I'm getting ready toturn fifty, and I truly wonder
what the fifties have in store forme. Yeah, I hear it's just
another long downhill from Oh my god, I wonder what look, what words
I'll learn this time? Oh geez. You can reach us at Voyage Media

(43:25):
at Twitter, Instagram, and onFacebook, and you can reach out directly
to me at Panicked Renny on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.