December 19, 2022 • 31 mins
Remi is a good patient. She passionately follows her doctor's advice, even when doing so requires a translation... like when she decided her doctor wanted her to keep smoking... and the decision ultimately sent her to the ER.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:08):
Welcome to my weekly panic Attack.I'm your host, Remmy Brooks. I've
been a licensed psychotherapist for over twentyyears and run a thriving private practice.
I'm also diagnosed bipolar an OCD.Often the two do not mix well,
which tends to throw my life intocomplete chaos. So as I do some
(00:32):
spiraling, my best friend Liz Winwill do her best to ground me a
bit. During this podcast, we'llbe talking about the horror and the humor
of the anxieties of daily life,the things we do that are embarrassing,
funny, but yet very human.Let's get started, and there's no better
(00:57):
way to get started than by beginningthis episode and all episodes with my friend
and co host, the beautiful,intelligent, and ever rational Liz Win.
Here's a well adjusted moment from Liz'slife. You're not going to like this,
(01:19):
but I've started thinking of taking mydream vacation. Your dream vacation,
Thailand. You're thinking about going toThailand? I am. It's been on
my bucket list as long as Ican remember. No, Liz, you
also saw broken down Palace. You'llbe the one who gets arrested, and
because you don't speak the language,you'll be found guilty. You'll be put
(01:42):
in prison for the rest of yourlife, where roaches will crawl into your
ears and lay baby eggs. No, I don't really think that's how it's
going to happen. I'm quite confidentI can travel without getting arrested. Okay,
Liz, So when you get lifewithout prison, I expect a for
me that reads I told you so. Do you mean like any good friend
(02:06):
would do? Exactly? And thishas been a well adjusted moment from Liz's
life. Well, I'm actually stressedbecause today we're talking about how one can
participate in a conversation and yet somehowtakeaway absolutely none of the information that was
(02:31):
trying to be construed, in fact, actually leaving the conversation with completely different
information that was ended. Guess whattime it is, Liz, What time
is it? It's time for meto tell you what the hell I'm stressed
(02:51):
out about. Now. My yearlyphysical is coming up more. I'm really
not exactly sure how to play one. It's funny because as depressed as I
have always been throughout my entire life, I don't want to die, right,
(03:13):
And because I don't want to die, that kind of makes me an
excellent patient. I would do anythingnot to die. Okay, okay,
I mean, hold on, letlet's be truthful here. Let me clarify.
I would do anything other than stopsmoking, eating or exercising. So
(03:40):
I would do absolutely anything other thanthat, you know, other than like,
you know, actually taking care ofmy body. The trifecta. There's
good eating and the exercising, butlike anything else, well, it's not
usually a negotiation with the doctor.Well that's why I'm kind of like a
little nervous. I already got onekid successfully to adulthood, but I still
(04:05):
have one more to go. Andif I died, my little one would
end up with his father in NewEngland. My Jewish boy would end up
saying things like wicked this and Wickedthat, or I gotta pack the co
(04:28):
and I'm sorry that just can't happen. So again, whatever I need to
do to keep myself alive for aminimum of at least seven years, I'm
going to do. Okay, Soon my part, I feel like like
there's a my part thing and likea doctor's part thing. So on my
(04:54):
part, I see all of myregular doctor's routine routinely. I get my
promogram every year. I see mygynecologist every year, who, by the
way, I love to pieces.I don't mean to brag, but I
have the greatest going to call onthe face of the earth. I see
(05:15):
my dermatologist every year, I seeGod, God, God Poor. My
psychiatrists every single month, and mytherapist every week. And I see my
primary care physician once a year everyyear for a full work up, a
(05:38):
full physical. Right, that's theappointment that I dread. That's the appointment
that scares me. Yeah, that'sthe one. Now. Thankfully, everything
to date has always turned out justfine. Prior to seeing my physician,
(05:58):
I always get my blood work done, like the whole panel of blood work.
Surprisingly, my blood work comes backstellar. What I mean stellar,
Liz perfection. My blood work statesthat I am the epitome of great health.
(06:27):
That's so awesome. Seven years Iseven years. That's that's all I
have to do. Seven more yearsof this. I can only assume that
doing no exercise in one's life isactually a very healthy life choice. I'm
just saying that's what my blood workshows. And the fact that I haven't
(06:51):
eaten a vegetable since the seventies,I'm guessing is a healthy thing for my
system. I may actually go asfar as to say that my diet of
coffee, diet, coke, andcigarettes maybe what's keeping me alive and well,
(07:17):
and perhaps the handful of vitamin supplementthat I eat for breakfast and dinner.
Do you and George Burns, I'mnot really sure that that's the AMA
recommendation again the epitome of health.So a couple of years ago. And
you know that I'm not good withtime, So a couple of years ago.
(07:41):
I don't know if that's two yearsago. I don't know if that's
four years ago. For me,it's it's a couple of years ago.
I was talking with my PCP andhe was concerned at that time about my
BMI because it was getting too andhe firmly suggested that I increase calories and
to appease him. Yes, okay, sure, And in my head I'm
(08:05):
thinking, like when is too thina bad thing? Because in my book
the answer is never. So nextyear it's my physical right and my doctor
discussed my weight again because now I'mbelow my BMI and he was concerned.
(08:30):
However, I am not the leastbit concerned. But he goes on and
on and on, and I wasso over it. So what does one
do when they're so over it?You checked out? I checked out,
and he was going on and soI deflected. I needed a diversion,
(08:52):
and I needed a diversion fast,only, much to my surprise, because
I didn't have time to pair adiversion. The diversion that popped out of
my mouth went something like this,Liz, I think I'm ready to quit
smoking. Can you write me aprescription? Per chance? X? Oh
(09:13):
good? What the fuck? Ididn't want to quit smoking. I don't
know why that came out. Iassure you, Liz, I did not
want to quit smoking. This wasfalse. It was a lie. Why
Why is that what came out?And you know, the diversion worked,
Yeah, it worked, It didits job. He was very excited to
(09:37):
move on to this new topic.He very quickly wrote me the prescription and
then the physical ended. I ofcourse left exhausted. I mean that's fair,
that's exhausting. I got back intomy car. I was not at
all sure where that idea to quicksmoking come came from. I had no
(10:03):
idea it for me, it camefrom nowhere. I mean, clearly,
it came from somewhere, but Icouldn't figure out from where. And as
a matter of fact, I hadlike just bought a cart and a cigarettes
the day before, so really stoppingno intention of stopping. Now. I
have tried to stop to stop smokingmany times in the past. Yeah,
(10:30):
and in all truth, chantics reallywas the only thing that worked for me.
But that kind of was not thepoint, because at that moment I
did not want to quit smoking.So when I went to pick up my
meds when they were ready, Ihad like a decision to make do I
(10:54):
pick up the chantics or do Ileave it a pharmacy, And for some
reason I picked it up. Okay, I was I actually going to quit?
Like this was a such a spurof the moment thing. I don't
even understand, you know what.Let me light up a cigarette real quick
and I'll finish telling you the story. I'm getting telling how the story went.
(11:18):
I total you, Okay. SoI spent some time thinking about whether
I wanted to take the chant tacksand quit or not take it and continue.
And I thought this through while Ismoked my way throughout this carton until
I was left with two packs.Because you're actually supposed to smoke while you
(11:43):
take chant really so yeah, yeah, So for some reason, I don't
know why, maybe because my fatherdied of lung cancer. I had decided
in that moment that I was goingto take chance X, and within less
(12:07):
than two weeks, I was anon smoker again. And I didn't mention
anything to my kids because I thoughtat any moment I could pick up a
cigarette again, and I didn't wantto disappoint them, but they noticed it
on their own and they were proudof me. And as a parent,
(12:35):
to have your kids proud of youlike no better feeling. As months went
by, I began gaining week andin my head, if I gained twenty
pounds, then I can gain twohundred pounds. So this became a major
(12:58):
mind fuck. Fast forward, It'stime for my next visible. The consultation
lasts for like a solid forty fiveminute period of time in which my doctor
is extremely thorough. We talk aboutmany, many, many things, and
(13:22):
he was thrilled that I was smokefree. Yeah it happy, Yeah,
it was, it was stilled.It was lovely, it was a terrific.
And he also mentioned that I wasback to a normal BMI and I
(13:43):
did not take that as praise ofany kind. Right, We're going to
take a quick break and we'll beright back. It is noteworthy to mention
that those two comments were at completelydifferent times during our forty five minutes together.
(14:11):
However, I was able to puttogether what he really meant to say,
which was, Hey, that iskeep on the same path, and
by this time next year, you'llbe waddling into my office. You may
not even be able to fit onmy table. If I were you,
i'd smart, I would start smokingagain and get your weight back under control,
(14:31):
because you are clearly out of control. I'm not really sure that was
what was going through his mind.Well, I wouldn't put my hand on
the Bible and swear in front ofa judge in a court of law that
that's what he meant. But I'mpretty sure that's exactly what he meant.
And I am nothing if not agood patient. So upon leaving my doctor's
(14:58):
office and taking medical advice, whichI received if only in my head,
I drove directly to Blahwa and boughta carton of cigarettes because that was the
same as him saying, go getthe chantex okay, yes, which backfired
Yeah. The only tricky thing wasis that I didn't want to disappoint my
(15:24):
kids, but I wanted to followmedical advice, the medical advice that I
clearly heard in my head right becauseI'm a really good patient. So I
devised what I thought was a grandplan of epic deception. I got a
(15:54):
huge zip lock bag which consisted ofa windbreaker, yellow dishwash, gloves,
a hat, a pack of cigarettes, two lighters, a pack of gumb
and a bottle of lotion. AndI began to go out for long walks.
Look at that exercise exercise. Wow, you're incorporating it, say again,
(16:18):
a good patient. Nothing if nota good patient. Once I got
exactly two blocks away from my house, I put on the hat, the
windbreaker, I lit up a cigarette, put on the gloves, definitely looked
like a crazy person dressed for Halloween, but couldn't give a fucking shit.
(16:42):
Smoked numerous cigarettes, and when Iwas done, chooed some gum, put
all my gear back into the zipblock bag, and then smothered myself with
lotion from my hair to my face, my hands, my arms, my
clothes, any skin that was evensomewhat noticeable and could possibly have been infected
(17:10):
by cigarette milk. You really workedhard on this, man. I my
kids weren't on the wiser and clearlyI was the winner of this game.
Yes, I worked hard on this, and I felt like a fucking genius.
Right. You have to admit itwas really quick. I mean it's
(17:34):
very smart. But you're really workinghard at not doing something. I do
that. I do that, butI do it well. I do.
You do it very well. Thankyou, Liz. Thank you. It
is one of the things about youthat you do very well, working hard
at not doing certain Thank you,Liz, Thank you. I don't appreciate
(18:00):
that the reassurance. Thanks So onenight it was I wanted my nighttime cigarette,
but it was pouring outside and itwas cold and it was nasty,
and it was my last cigarette ofthe night and I had just taken my
(18:22):
sleeping pill. I had a solidforty five minutes before that pill was to
set in. And it was likeone o'clock in the morning, and both
of my kids were sound asleep.And if I had just one cigarette in
the garage while both of my kidswere sound asleep, seriously, what were
(18:51):
the chances of me getting caught?And I figured highly, highly doubtful,
none at all, absolutely one atall. That's exactly what I thought.
So I'm in the garage and thisis like not even five minutes after I've
(19:14):
taken the sleeping pill, so Ihave a solid forty minutes left. I
light up the cigarette. I don'tknow what happened, because after my very
first inhale, my entire world wentdark, and I knew I was about
(19:40):
to think and there was absolutely knowingI could do about it. I tried
so hard to get to the ashtraythat was right much to me to put
my cigarette out, but I didn'tmake it, and I felt back.
I felt backwards, simultaneously landing onboth my tailbone and the back of my
(20:07):
head. Oh God, my concretegarage was for Jesus. And both of
my legs must have kicked in mygarage door with so much force that the
door banged into the house so loudlythat it woke up my youngest son,
(20:29):
who came running downstairs to find meunconscious on the floor. Yeah, and
he's screaming for me to wake up, and at some point I did,
and when I did, I managedto turn my head to the right.
You have to cigarette in and seethat I still was holding the lit cigarette.
(20:57):
And the first but that I hadwas, oh, fuck, I've
been caught. Not that you justpassed out for like an unknown reason,
killed your your butt bone and thenlike almost smacked your or smacked your head.
It's like into the concrete. You'reworried about the cigarette. He cut
(21:22):
me with a lit cigarette. Fuck, I've been got so I somehow find
words. I don't know. Myentire body was in so much pain.
My head was spinning, and I'mlike ashtray, ashtray, that's maybe ashtray.
(21:42):
And I'm able to put the burningcigarette out. I mean, thank
god, thank god he was Thankgod I didn't burn the fucking house down.
He was too light to be ableto pull me up. Like something
was really wrong. I feel likeI hope myself Liz. Yeah, I
have no idea how I got myselfup. I have no idea how I
(22:07):
crawled up the steps. This happenedduring the height the peak of COVID.
The last place in the world Iwanted to be was the er. But
the next morning, when I waslike so out of it, I made
my oldest drive me to the AR. I thought, what well, so
(22:33):
I'm surprised you didn't have a concussion. Well, okay, so they ruled
out a brain bleed. My god, they ruled out a fractured tailbone.
But I had a major concussion thatlasted a really, really long time and
(22:59):
I in so much pain I couldn'teven watch TV. And for me to
not be able to watch TV,I mean, it's like serious to horror,
serious horror, Oh my god.So you know I'm big on signs,
getting signs, trying to interpret signsthat I received, and I knew
(23:22):
that this was a sign, andI figured it was one out of a
possible two, like one I shouldquit smoking for real, right, or
two lying to my kids and sneakingaround really not a good idea, to
be honest. So I decided thatthis sign was about lying to my kids
(23:48):
and sneaking around hadn't absolutely nothing todo with quitting smoking. So I just
simply informed them that I am nowonce again a smoker, and I don't
want to hear any lectures about it. This is not for debate, and
stop it, stop it, stopit. So now it's not just my
kids. I think. The lastphysical I had was a telehealth to like
(24:15):
bypass the whole smoking. Yeah I'mstill on smoker, and bypass the BMI
think, oh yeah, right,I gain weight. Everything's fine. It's
not just the kids that I haveto worry about disappointing. My yearly physical
is quickly approaching, and I amlike in serious debate. Do I admit
(24:37):
to smoking again? Do I lie? And there's no way around the whole
BMI thing. I am definitely goingto be lectured about my weight. Do
I really want to be lectured abouttwo things? Well? Yeah, This
is kind of like when people goto the dentists and they just i'd like,
(25:00):
you know, to floss two daysbefore and then going from Dennis and
saying they've done it all year,and I just never lie and go no,
I don't do it because they knowthe difference. He's gonna know,
so you're just going to have totake your licks and go in there and
do it. I don't know becauseif I without that hand, he's good
(25:22):
blockdag again with the windbreaker and thelotion and the gum. I mean I
pulled that stunt off for quite awhile. If I do that again prior
to my physical, maybe he Iwon't smell like smoke. Maybe he won't
know that I'm smoking. Maybe Icould just lie about it. Although if
(25:45):
I lie about it and it's obviousthat I'm lying about it, then I'm
going to get in trouble. Well, maybe I can tell the doctor that
you understand the good and bad ofeverything he's saying, but you don't need
it repeated, and you don't needa forty five minute tone wagging, finger
wagging. Oh, I am stressingabout this appointment and I don't know.
(26:10):
I don't know. So yeah,I have the kind of feeling and I'm
currently hating it. So that's what'sgoing on with me right now. I
do have an update, a Lucyupdate. Okay, let's hear the Lucy
update. Why is she destroyed recently? Well, last you heard, I
(26:33):
was fostering a dog from my dogthough Lucy needed much more stimulation than I
could give her, so I fostereda dog named Red, who had his
own theme song. Yes, well, I am happy to report that since
our last discussion, I adopted readso gratulation. Thank you. Lucy now
(27:00):
has all the stimulation she could possiblyhandle, and oh so much more.
They play hard and he doesn't letup. Lucy is exhausted every moment of
her day and looks at me like, why, why, why have you
(27:22):
done this? Read has taught Lucythat not everyone who enters my house trying
to murder me, so that shelike back off on the barking, So
that has made a huge positive differencein this household. However, he stably
taught her that while there's nothing toreally bark about in the house, everything
(27:48):
outside of the house should be barkedat, which includes people, other dogs,
squirrel rocks, clouds, even air. So I would say that in
that area we have regressed. Iinitially been hoping that I would be able
(28:15):
to replace throw pillows and blankets andmake my house look more like my home
again. Instead, they have quiteliterally torn up my sofa cushions, so
(28:37):
my house right now kind of lookslike utter trash. And it's not like
I can go out and buy anew sofa because they the exact same thing
to a new sofa, and thenI'd have to kill them, which would
be a really sad ending to thisstory, So I don't want to do
that. Another kind of problem isthat Red never did stairs before in his
(29:07):
entire life, so and I havean open stairway with these like beautiful yet
very slippery dat stairs. He somewhatlearned the stairs. He can get up,
but about seventy percent of the timehe slides down the staircase in a
(29:30):
horrible, terrible, very noisemaking,frightening way, and I figure it's really
just a matter of time before hebreaks his legs. I have to take
him to the emergency room. It'sa five thousand dollars surgery, and I'm
charged with animal cruelty, so I'mlike waiting for that to happen. Not
(29:53):
a great feeling, however, Allin all, Lucy is happy. Lucy's
happy. Read now has a home. He is so happy to have a
home. I am saying this beforehe has broken any of his legs.
And the idea of getting a dogfor my dog, I think was actually
(30:22):
a good one. So that ismy Lucy update. Oh good to hear
that Lucy's happy. And just becareful walking down the steps with two dogs
who are shooting down someone at thebottom of the steps with broken legs,
no joke. That is my newfear of death. And I hang onto
(30:45):
the railing for dear life, becausetruly I have like seen it. I
have seen myself being thrown down thesteps by the dogs. So that is
truly how I fear I'm going todie. But again, I need seven
year old seven years there's a countdownquicker. Thanks for listening, Bye bye.
(31:11):
You can reach us at Voyage Mediaat Twitter, Instagram, and on
Facebook. And you can reach outdirectly to me at Panicked Remy on Twitter,
Instagram, and Facebook.
Welcome to my weekly panic Attack.I'm your host, Remmy Brooks. I've
been a licensed psychotherapist for over twentyyears and run a thriving private practice.
I'm also diagnosed bipolar an OCD.Often the two do not mix well,
which tends to throw my life intocomplete chaos. So as I do some
(00:32):
spiraling, my best friend Liz Winwill do her best to ground me a
bit. During this podcast, we'llbe talking about the horror and the humor
of the anxieties of daily life,the things we do that are embarrassing,
funny, but yet very human.Let's get started, and there's no better
(00:57):
way to get started than by beginningthis episode and all episodes with my friend
and co host, the beautiful,intelligent, and ever rational Liz Win.
Here's a well adjusted moment from Liz'slife. You're not going to like this,
(01:19):
but I've started thinking of taking mydream vacation. Your dream vacation,
Thailand. You're thinking about going toThailand? I am. It's been on
my bucket list as long as Ican remember. No, Liz, you
also saw broken down Palace. You'llbe the one who gets arrested, and
because you don't speak the language,you'll be found guilty. You'll be put
(01:42):
in prison for the rest of yourlife, where roaches will crawl into your
ears and lay baby eggs. No, I don't really think that's how it's
going to happen. I'm quite confidentI can travel without getting arrested. Okay,
Liz, So when you get lifewithout prison, I expect a for
me that reads I told you so. Do you mean like any good friend
(02:06):
would do? Exactly? And thishas been a well adjusted moment from Liz's
life. Well, I'm actually stressedbecause today we're talking about how one can
participate in a conversation and yet somehowtakeaway absolutely none of the information that was
(02:31):
trying to be construed, in fact, actually leaving the conversation with completely different
information that was ended. Guess whattime it is, Liz, What time
is it? It's time for meto tell you what the hell I'm stressed
(02:51):
out about. Now. My yearlyphysical is coming up more. I'm really
not exactly sure how to play one. It's funny because as depressed as I
have always been throughout my entire life, I don't want to die, right,
(03:13):
And because I don't want to die, that kind of makes me an
excellent patient. I would do anythingnot to die. Okay, okay,
I mean, hold on, letlet's be truthful here. Let me clarify.
I would do anything other than stopsmoking, eating or exercising. So
(03:40):
I would do absolutely anything other thanthat, you know, other than like,
you know, actually taking care ofmy body. The trifecta. There's
good eating and the exercising, butlike anything else, well, it's not
usually a negotiation with the doctor.Well that's why I'm kind of like a
little nervous. I already got onekid successfully to adulthood, but I still
(04:05):
have one more to go. Andif I died, my little one would
end up with his father in NewEngland. My Jewish boy would end up
saying things like wicked this and Wickedthat, or I gotta pack the co
(04:28):
and I'm sorry that just can't happen. So again, whatever I need to
do to keep myself alive for aminimum of at least seven years, I'm
going to do. Okay, Soon my part, I feel like like
there's a my part thing and likea doctor's part thing. So on my
(04:54):
part, I see all of myregular doctor's routine routinely. I get my
promogram every year. I see mygynecologist every year, who, by the
way, I love to pieces.I don't mean to brag, but I
have the greatest going to call onthe face of the earth. I see
(05:15):
my dermatologist every year, I seeGod, God, God Poor. My
psychiatrists every single month, and mytherapist every week. And I see my
primary care physician once a year everyyear for a full work up, a
(05:38):
full physical. Right, that's theappointment that I dread. That's the appointment
that scares me. Yeah, that'sthe one. Now. Thankfully, everything
to date has always turned out justfine. Prior to seeing my physician,
(05:58):
I always get my blood work done, like the whole panel of blood work.
Surprisingly, my blood work comes backstellar. What I mean stellar,
Liz perfection. My blood work statesthat I am the epitome of great health.
(06:27):
That's so awesome. Seven years Iseven years. That's that's all I
have to do. Seven more yearsof this. I can only assume that
doing no exercise in one's life isactually a very healthy life choice. I'm
just saying that's what my blood workshows. And the fact that I haven't
(06:51):
eaten a vegetable since the seventies,I'm guessing is a healthy thing for my
system. I may actually go asfar as to say that my diet of
coffee, diet, coke, andcigarettes maybe what's keeping me alive and well,
(07:17):
and perhaps the handful of vitamin supplementthat I eat for breakfast and dinner.
Do you and George Burns, I'mnot really sure that that's the AMA
recommendation again the epitome of health.So a couple of years ago. And
you know that I'm not good withtime, So a couple of years ago.
(07:41):
I don't know if that's two yearsago. I don't know if that's
four years ago. For me,it's it's a couple of years ago.
I was talking with my PCP andhe was concerned at that time about my
BMI because it was getting too andhe firmly suggested that I increase calories and
to appease him. Yes, okay, sure, And in my head I'm
(08:05):
thinking, like when is too thina bad thing? Because in my book
the answer is never. So nextyear it's my physical right and my doctor
discussed my weight again because now I'mbelow my BMI and he was concerned.
(08:30):
However, I am not the leastbit concerned. But he goes on and
on and on, and I wasso over it. So what does one
do when they're so over it?You checked out? I checked out,
and he was going on and soI deflected. I needed a diversion,
(08:52):
and I needed a diversion fast,only, much to my surprise, because
I didn't have time to pair adiversion. The diversion that popped out of
my mouth went something like this,Liz, I think I'm ready to quit
smoking. Can you write me aprescription? Per chance? X? Oh
(09:13):
good? What the fuck? Ididn't want to quit smoking. I don't
know why that came out. Iassure you, Liz, I did not
want to quit smoking. This wasfalse. It was a lie. Why
Why is that what came out?And you know, the diversion worked,
Yeah, it worked, It didits job. He was very excited to
(09:37):
move on to this new topic.He very quickly wrote me the prescription and
then the physical ended. I ofcourse left exhausted. I mean that's fair,
that's exhausting. I got back intomy car. I was not at
all sure where that idea to quicksmoking come came from. I had no
(10:03):
idea it for me, it camefrom nowhere. I mean, clearly,
it came from somewhere, but Icouldn't figure out from where. And as
a matter of fact, I hadlike just bought a cart and a cigarettes
the day before, so really stoppingno intention of stopping. Now. I
have tried to stop to stop smokingmany times in the past. Yeah,
(10:30):
and in all truth, chantics reallywas the only thing that worked for me.
But that kind of was not thepoint, because at that moment I
did not want to quit smoking.So when I went to pick up my
meds when they were ready, Ihad like a decision to make do I
(10:54):
pick up the chantics or do Ileave it a pharmacy, And for some
reason I picked it up. Okay, I was I actually going to quit?
Like this was a such a spurof the moment thing. I don't
even understand, you know what.Let me light up a cigarette real quick
and I'll finish telling you the story. I'm getting telling how the story went.
(11:18):
I total you, Okay. SoI spent some time thinking about whether
I wanted to take the chant tacksand quit or not take it and continue.
And I thought this through while Ismoked my way throughout this carton until
I was left with two packs.Because you're actually supposed to smoke while you
(11:43):
take chant really so yeah, yeah, So for some reason, I don't
know why, maybe because my fatherdied of lung cancer. I had decided
in that moment that I was goingto take chance X, and within less
(12:07):
than two weeks, I was anon smoker again. And I didn't mention
anything to my kids because I thoughtat any moment I could pick up a
cigarette again, and I didn't wantto disappoint them, but they noticed it
on their own and they were proudof me. And as a parent,
(12:35):
to have your kids proud of youlike no better feeling. As months went
by, I began gaining week andin my head, if I gained twenty
pounds, then I can gain twohundred pounds. So this became a major
(12:58):
mind fuck. Fast forward, It'stime for my next visible. The consultation
lasts for like a solid forty fiveminute period of time in which my doctor
is extremely thorough. We talk aboutmany, many, many things, and
(13:22):
he was thrilled that I was smokefree. Yeah it happy, Yeah,
it was, it was stilled.It was lovely, it was a terrific.
And he also mentioned that I wasback to a normal BMI and I
(13:43):
did not take that as praise ofany kind. Right, We're going to
take a quick break and we'll beright back. It is noteworthy to mention
that those two comments were at completelydifferent times during our forty five minutes together.
(14:11):
However, I was able to puttogether what he really meant to say,
which was, Hey, that iskeep on the same path, and
by this time next year, you'llbe waddling into my office. You may
not even be able to fit onmy table. If I were you,
i'd smart, I would start smokingagain and get your weight back under control,
(14:31):
because you are clearly out of control. I'm not really sure that was
what was going through his mind.Well, I wouldn't put my hand on
the Bible and swear in front ofa judge in a court of law that
that's what he meant. But I'mpretty sure that's exactly what he meant.
And I am nothing if not agood patient. So upon leaving my doctor's
(14:58):
office and taking medical advice, whichI received if only in my head,
I drove directly to Blahwa and boughta carton of cigarettes because that was the
same as him saying, go getthe chantex okay, yes, which backfired
Yeah. The only tricky thing wasis that I didn't want to disappoint my
(15:24):
kids, but I wanted to followmedical advice, the medical advice that I
clearly heard in my head right becauseI'm a really good patient. So I
devised what I thought was a grandplan of epic deception. I got a
(15:54):
huge zip lock bag which consisted ofa windbreaker, yellow dishwash, gloves,
a hat, a pack of cigarettes, two lighters, a pack of gumb
and a bottle of lotion. AndI began to go out for long walks.
Look at that exercise exercise. Wow, you're incorporating it, say again,
(16:18):
a good patient. Nothing if nota good patient. Once I got
exactly two blocks away from my house, I put on the hat, the
windbreaker, I lit up a cigarette, put on the gloves, definitely looked
like a crazy person dressed for Halloween, but couldn't give a fucking shit.
(16:42):
Smoked numerous cigarettes, and when Iwas done, chooed some gum, put
all my gear back into the zipblock bag, and then smothered myself with
lotion from my hair to my face, my hands, my arms, my
clothes, any skin that was evensomewhat noticeable and could possibly have been infected
(17:10):
by cigarette milk. You really workedhard on this, man. I my
kids weren't on the wiser and clearlyI was the winner of this game.
Yes, I worked hard on this, and I felt like a fucking genius.
Right. You have to admit itwas really quick. I mean it's
(17:34):
very smart. But you're really workinghard at not doing something. I do
that. I do that, butI do it well. I do.
You do it very well. Thankyou, Liz. Thank you. It
is one of the things about youthat you do very well, working hard
at not doing certain Thank you,Liz, Thank you. I don't appreciate
(18:00):
that the reassurance. Thanks So onenight it was I wanted my nighttime cigarette,
but it was pouring outside and itwas cold and it was nasty,
and it was my last cigarette ofthe night and I had just taken my
(18:22):
sleeping pill. I had a solidforty five minutes before that pill was to
set in. And it was likeone o'clock in the morning, and both
of my kids were sound asleep.And if I had just one cigarette in
the garage while both of my kidswere sound asleep, seriously, what were
(18:51):
the chances of me getting caught?And I figured highly, highly doubtful,
none at all, absolutely one atall. That's exactly what I thought.
So I'm in the garage and thisis like not even five minutes after I've
(19:14):
taken the sleeping pill, so Ihave a solid forty minutes left. I
light up the cigarette. I don'tknow what happened, because after my very
first inhale, my entire world wentdark, and I knew I was about
(19:40):
to think and there was absolutely knowingI could do about it. I tried
so hard to get to the ashtraythat was right much to me to put
my cigarette out, but I didn'tmake it, and I felt back.
I felt backwards, simultaneously landing onboth my tailbone and the back of my
(20:07):
head. Oh God, my concretegarage was for Jesus. And both of
my legs must have kicked in mygarage door with so much force that the
door banged into the house so loudlythat it woke up my youngest son,
(20:29):
who came running downstairs to find meunconscious on the floor. Yeah, and
he's screaming for me to wake up, and at some point I did,
and when I did, I managedto turn my head to the right.
You have to cigarette in and seethat I still was holding the lit cigarette.
(20:57):
And the first but that I hadwas, oh, fuck, I've
been caught. Not that you justpassed out for like an unknown reason,
killed your your butt bone and thenlike almost smacked your or smacked your head.
It's like into the concrete. You'reworried about the cigarette. He cut
(21:22):
me with a lit cigarette. Fuck, I've been got so I somehow find
words. I don't know. Myentire body was in so much pain.
My head was spinning, and I'mlike ashtray, ashtray, that's maybe ashtray.
(21:42):
And I'm able to put the burningcigarette out. I mean, thank
god, thank god he was Thankgod I didn't burn the fucking house down.
He was too light to be ableto pull me up. Like something
was really wrong. I feel likeI hope myself Liz. Yeah, I
have no idea how I got myselfup. I have no idea how I
(22:07):
crawled up the steps. This happenedduring the height the peak of COVID.
The last place in the world Iwanted to be was the er. But
the next morning, when I waslike so out of it, I made
my oldest drive me to the AR. I thought, what well, so
(22:33):
I'm surprised you didn't have a concussion. Well, okay, so they ruled
out a brain bleed. My god, they ruled out a fractured tailbone.
But I had a major concussion thatlasted a really, really long time and
(22:59):
I in so much pain I couldn'teven watch TV. And for me to
not be able to watch TV,I mean, it's like serious to horror,
serious horror, Oh my god.So you know I'm big on signs,
getting signs, trying to interpret signsthat I received, and I knew
(23:22):
that this was a sign, andI figured it was one out of a
possible two, like one I shouldquit smoking for real, right, or
two lying to my kids and sneakingaround really not a good idea, to
be honest. So I decided thatthis sign was about lying to my kids
(23:48):
and sneaking around hadn't absolutely nothing todo with quitting smoking. So I just
simply informed them that I am nowonce again a smoker, and I don't
want to hear any lectures about it. This is not for debate, and
stop it, stop it, stopit. So now it's not just my
kids. I think. The lastphysical I had was a telehealth to like
(24:15):
bypass the whole smoking. Yeah I'mstill on smoker, and bypass the BMI
think, oh yeah, right,I gain weight. Everything's fine. It's
not just the kids that I haveto worry about disappointing. My yearly physical
is quickly approaching, and I amlike in serious debate. Do I admit
(24:37):
to smoking again? Do I lie? And there's no way around the whole
BMI thing. I am definitely goingto be lectured about my weight. Do
I really want to be lectured abouttwo things? Well? Yeah, This
is kind of like when people goto the dentists and they just i'd like,
(25:00):
you know, to floss two daysbefore and then going from Dennis and
saying they've done it all year,and I just never lie and go no,
I don't do it because they knowthe difference. He's gonna know,
so you're just going to have totake your licks and go in there and
do it. I don't know becauseif I without that hand, he's good
(25:22):
blockdag again with the windbreaker and thelotion and the gum. I mean I
pulled that stunt off for quite awhile. If I do that again prior
to my physical, maybe he Iwon't smell like smoke. Maybe he won't
know that I'm smoking. Maybe Icould just lie about it. Although if
(25:45):
I lie about it and it's obviousthat I'm lying about it, then I'm
going to get in trouble. Well, maybe I can tell the doctor that
you understand the good and bad ofeverything he's saying, but you don't need
it repeated, and you don't needa forty five minute tone wagging, finger
wagging. Oh, I am stressingabout this appointment and I don't know.
(26:10):
I don't know. So yeah,I have the kind of feeling and I'm
currently hating it. So that's what'sgoing on with me right now. I
do have an update, a Lucyupdate. Okay, let's hear the Lucy
update. Why is she destroyed recently? Well, last you heard, I
(26:33):
was fostering a dog from my dogthough Lucy needed much more stimulation than I
could give her, so I fostereda dog named Red, who had his
own theme song. Yes, well, I am happy to report that since
our last discussion, I adopted readso gratulation. Thank you. Lucy now
(27:00):
has all the stimulation she could possiblyhandle, and oh so much more.
They play hard and he doesn't letup. Lucy is exhausted every moment of
her day and looks at me like, why, why, why have you
(27:22):
done this? Read has taught Lucythat not everyone who enters my house trying
to murder me, so that shelike back off on the barking, So
that has made a huge positive differencein this household. However, he stably
taught her that while there's nothing toreally bark about in the house, everything
(27:48):
outside of the house should be barkedat, which includes people, other dogs,
squirrel rocks, clouds, even air. So I would say that in
that area we have regressed. Iinitially been hoping that I would be able
(28:15):
to replace throw pillows and blankets andmake my house look more like my home
again. Instead, they have quiteliterally torn up my sofa cushions, so
(28:37):
my house right now kind of lookslike utter trash. And it's not like
I can go out and buy anew sofa because they the exact same thing
to a new sofa, and thenI'd have to kill them, which would
be a really sad ending to thisstory, So I don't want to do
that. Another kind of problem isthat Red never did stairs before in his
(29:07):
entire life, so and I havean open stairway with these like beautiful yet
very slippery dat stairs. He somewhatlearned the stairs. He can get up,
but about seventy percent of the timehe slides down the staircase in a
(29:30):
horrible, terrible, very noisemaking,frightening way, and I figure it's really
just a matter of time before hebreaks his legs. I have to take
him to the emergency room. It'sa five thousand dollars surgery, and I'm
charged with animal cruelty, so I'mlike waiting for that to happen. Not
(29:53):
a great feeling, however, Allin all, Lucy is happy. Lucy's
happy. Read now has a home. He is so happy to have a
home. I am saying this beforehe has broken any of his legs.
And the idea of getting a dogfor my dog, I think was actually
(30:22):
a good one. So that ismy Lucy update. Oh good to hear
that Lucy's happy. And just becareful walking down the steps with two dogs
who are shooting down someone at thebottom of the steps with broken legs,
no joke. That is my newfear of death. And I hang onto
(30:45):
the railing for dear life, becausetruly I have like seen it. I
have seen myself being thrown down thesteps by the dogs. So that is
truly how I fear I'm going todie. But again, I need seven
year old seven years there's a countdownquicker. Thanks for listening, Bye bye.
(31:11):
You can reach us at Voyage Mediaat Twitter, Instagram, and on
Facebook. And you can reach outdirectly to me at Panicked Remy on Twitter,
Instagram, and Facebook.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.