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August 4, 2025 62 mins
my guest today Tiff Carson


Like many, I have been through my fair share of challenging times, especially over the past 5-10 years.

I have experienced a 10 year infertility battle and finally welcomed 3 beautiful children. Then all 3 were diagnosed with severe behavioral challenges (ADHD and ODD) that were a parenting challenge. In 2021 I lost my older brother Cory to a Fentanyl overdose and one year later my marriage of 20 years ended.

There has been a tremendous amount of grief but I have found ways to move through these challenging times and share this with my friends and followers. I wrote a book called "Dancing in the Rain" which is a memoir about my brother and I and our challenging relationship most of our lives. I learned about his trauma about 3 years before his passing. Once I learned of this trauma from him, it helped me have more compassion for his journey through addiction and allowed us to reconnect prior to his passing.

I am an advocate for sharing our stories, being vulnerable and healing in order to continue living a beautiful life.

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, guys, it's Pete for Beef Anxiety here. Welcome in
today's episode. I appreciate all being here so much. Let's
talk about a few things real quick. The pe for
so Anxiety Team anxiety Facebook group. Are you a part
of it?

Speaker 2 (00:13):
You're not?

Speaker 1 (00:14):
What are you waiting for? The leaks out here in
the description now below, or go to Facebook and search
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team page and joining today, why on you can join
the help it'd be great, Like right now, hurry up,
stop it doing paused video?

Speaker 2 (00:27):
Go do around.

Speaker 1 (00:27):
But anyways, let's also talk about the p for Anxiety
YouTube page. You guys, if you're here right now, you're
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there subscribe vision I don't like in comment on the
videos and let me know because all that suff really helps, guys,
I really appreciate it and help me break the stigma
that mental health has talked about enough. But anyways, guys,
let's get in today's episode. I'll I have a great one.

(00:48):
Thank you so much again, and as always, say, don't
ask your day is, ask how your mental health is.

Speaker 2 (00:52):
Today we'll go an exciting episode of Pete for anxiety
here in the Oracle Talk Ranom Network. My guest today
is an author, podcast hosts, and mental advocates specializing grief health.
Her book Dancing in the Rain reflects her dedication to
varnabilly storytelling that ignites resilience. As the host of the
Hard Beautiful Journey, she consists in the top five. She

(01:14):
explores themes like sibling grief, generational trauma, addiction, recovery, and
the joy after lost. Please welcome in, Tiff Carson. How
are you doing today?

Speaker 3 (01:21):
Tiff? Good? How are you, Pete?

Speaker 2 (01:23):
I'm making it this morning. So what did you tell
really a little bit about yourself?

Speaker 3 (01:27):
Sure? So? Yeah, I am a podcast host of Hard
Beautiful Journey, and I am an author of Dancing in
the Rain. I am a breathwork and somatic coach in
training right now and what else? Yeah, I'm a love breathwork.

(01:47):
Breath work is breathwork and sthmatic work is transformative.

Speaker 2 (01:53):
Yeah. We had a guest on two weeks ago, Tim Thomas.
That's what he basically does. He runs a company breathwork
in bed. He was on here and we were doing
breath but Exercuge is live and it was a great feeling,
like after you do it, it's just so energizing and
we were having a blast doing it. So I'm excited
for you to get into this field, especially because that's
real great, you know, because using your own breath to
basically refocus yourself.

Speaker 3 (02:14):
You are your own drug exactly.

Speaker 2 (02:17):
So well, with all that being said, you know, author
podcast told Metal Get you got a lot of things
went on your plate, man, like I was going though,
I mean, it's like, that's that's awesome. So what inspired
the book though? I mean, like I want to I'm
writing a book too and write about memoir, but god,
you know, I can only imagine the process I even started.

Speaker 3 (02:33):
Yet that's what mine is, is a memoir. And so
what inspired it? Goodness, Well, it was actually the death
of my older brother Corey. He died in twenty twenty
one of a fentanal overdose and after many, many many

(02:54):
years of an addiction battle, and so that that death,
his death really shook something in me and made me
think about my own journey and our journey together and
what why certain things happened in our lives and why

(03:17):
our relationship was the way it was.

Speaker 2 (03:21):
And it was, did you guys have a rough relationship though,
I mean it had drugs are involved, but it makes
it a little rough as you go.

Speaker 1 (03:28):
You know, mm hmmm.

Speaker 3 (03:30):
Well that's what what led to writing the book, was
actually sitting down and writing through some of the the
feelings that came up from his death and why why
our journey was the way it was. And it was
in that process where I realized that it was the

(03:53):
generational trauma that impacted our relationship. It was actually before
he passed away where I found out some of the
things that happened to him in his life and it
made our journey make way more sense. So we are

(04:16):
eighteen months apart, and we were attached, literally attached at
the hip when we were little. If you saw one,
the other one was right there. We had like, you know,
that white blonde hair, like the you know, you could
see us for miles and our big blue eyes, and

(04:36):
we were just a team. We were together. We were
like that until about twelve and thirteen years old. For him,
I was twelve and we were living on a farm
at the time, and I came home from school. We
came home from school, no one was home but him

(04:57):
and I and I must have said something to him,
and he literally beat me to a pulp and in
the corner of our kitchen, and I had no idea
what was going on. I had no idea why this
rage and this anger came over him. And it was

(05:21):
three years before he passed away when I found out
the why, and it was literally like a missing puzzle
piece was handed to me by my mom. My brother
had told my mom that when we were living on
that farm, probably not not long before my beating happened,

(05:45):
is my dad beat my brother to a pulp in
that very same corner. And it wasn't just the beating,
the physical beating, it was the words that were said
with the beating and then the after. And it was
in the after when my dad, in a parental anger

(06:07):
that we get when we are so amped, he told
them to leave and never come back. And my brother,
in his hurt and his confusion about what happened the
night before, which was definitely alcohol induced in the gold,

(06:30):
my brother took that literally when he said to leave
and never come back. And from that moment on, my
brother literally was running from everything and everyone and from
our family. And that was when the real drug use started.
He had been experimenting with some plot cousins in the garage, right,

(06:56):
like most thirteen year olds to do. And but it
was after that happened, and I'm going to back up
just slightly, about two years before that, he actually was
beaten very severely by our grandpa in front of us,

(07:19):
my dad's dad. And so it was two male, important
male figures in his life that really really did some
harm to his self worth with no apology or recognition

(07:39):
or admission or acknowledgment of it. And it was that
lack of acknowledgment that fueled something in my brother that
just wanted to numb everything. Yeah, And so that numbing

(08:00):
was what happened. And in that numbing of just not
wanting to feel anything anymore, he took it out on everybody.
He took it out on everybody, and he ended up
spending a lot of time in prison, in and out
of re remanned rehab facilities for a good portion of

(08:23):
his life. And yeah, it was it was a difficult
journey because I didn't know why.

Speaker 2 (08:32):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely every time I wouldn't, like I'm trying
not to tear up over here. That's that's that's hard
to hear, Like two of his people they looked up
to are just doing these things to him and saying
these things to him, and it's like, you know, you
your next question would be when you hear about the dad,
it's like, well, was your dad abuse? Well obviously because
your grandfather did it in front of him everybody, so
I'm sure your dad went through a lot of shit too,

(08:54):
and he was just doing what he was taught. And
it's it's horrible though, you know, that poor guy was
struggling so much, you know, and everybody sees something else,
say there's a price, saying always the fuck up or whatever,
you know, all these other things that you could say
negatively about him that weren't true though, because he's dealing
with so much inner demons that you know, if he
were to tell you, most people probably wouldn't believe him though.
They were like, oh no, they never did that or whatever,
you know, because a lot of those situations, you know,

(09:16):
like my mom, she beat the hell on me one time,
and I remember it till this day. I could tell you,
like I'm talking like Gangland stomp on you type beating
I got, I got, I got my ass, be bad,
like it's something you don't forget, you know. And there's
things there seeing my dad do when we were younger too,
like choked my brother and picked them up, I put
them put him up the wall because he was so
mad about something, you know, And and I didn't really
realize it until I started hearting stories about my grandfather,

(09:38):
like your brother's situation was, It's like my grandfather did
all this crazy type shit like he would he would do,
like I couldn't even tell you the most of the
things he did not even allowed to be said here,
but he did some wild things. But I just, Jesus Almighty,
that was hard to hear. I'm so sorry though. I'm like,
when you when you found out about this, though, did
you did you blame your mom? Like, hey, mom, you
should have done something about this, you know, because normally
that's where the next step is, usually you start blaming everything.

(10:00):
Hey listen, bo mom, you were saw him doing these
kind of things. You can tell them to stop.

Speaker 3 (10:06):
And you would think that that would be my reaction.
But the depth of her pain in telling me this
was what gave me compassion for her as well. Yeah,

(10:26):
because she didn't know either. She didn't know until not
long before she told me, and she didn't know how
to process it. She was wondering the same thing for
thirty some years, why is this happening? Why is he running?
Why is this? Why is this our life? And when

(10:51):
she told me no word of a lie, I am
not even exaggerating. And if you read the book you'll
here there were years and years of very hard moments
and anger and bitterness and between him and I, between

(11:11):
our family, and in that moment when she told me, like,
everything slowed down and I had instant forgiveness for what
he did to me, and I had instant compassion for
his journey.

Speaker 2 (11:30):
Yeah, I mean, because you just figured out exactly what
that missing puzzle piece was. So I mean, now you
understand why he was such an angry kid, and it
all falls into place, and then you know, you go
doing flashbacks, going, okay, well, now I see where it
is and why it is he was so angry, you know,
and it makes sense. And thank you for sharing that.
That's was rough, even rough for me to hear. This
is the second time almost teared up on camera. But

(11:51):
that was tough, man, he is I could feel that, man,
I could feel that poor guy's pain. It's just rough
to hear that he had to go through that, like damn.

Speaker 3 (12:00):
Yeah, yeah, So that was, like I said, three years
before he passed away. And what I did in that
three years is not just what I did. What we
did our relationship it was starting to repair and it
was starting to come back together. It wasn't like an

(12:23):
instant love fest, right. It was like, Okay, I have compassion.
I'm going to explore this a little bit more and
find out. And I also was in conflict with my
feelings about my dad now because what happened over those

(12:44):
thirty some years is my dad and I commiserated so
many times about my brother, just him and I like
what the is wrong with him? Why is he doing this?
Like why can't he get a shit together? And all
of this right? And at the heart of it, it
was him.

Speaker 2 (13:04):
Yeah, you know that's the scary part though, that he's
like asking these questions when he had Nevilee was the
reason why this happened. And then after hearing that was
your dad's alive when you found out the real truth.

Speaker 3 (13:15):
Though, oh my dad is still alive.

Speaker 2 (13:18):
Oh oh okay, So my next question that is, like,
how's your relationship with them?

Speaker 3 (13:22):
Though?

Speaker 2 (13:22):
It had to change it when as soon as you
heard that, you you're just like look at him, like, dude,
you're going to say those things, and then you do
this the whole time.

Speaker 3 (13:29):
So there was a lot of anger, a lot of
a lot of confusion more than anger, if I'm real, ye,
just like I don't. And when I found out I
was also now a parent. Yeah, So there was this
duality for me of holy crap, I get it because

(13:51):
a side note, I have three kids, and all three
of my kids have been diagnosed with ADHD and odd
oppositional DeFi disorder, and so our parenting journey was unlike
anything I ever expected in my life.

Speaker 2 (14:10):
And so.

Speaker 3 (14:12):
I got to my core how hard parenting is and
the things that you can say and do in those
moments that fuel you. And so I had that duality
of I get it, Dad, I freaking get it because
it is hard. And yet I was still confused why

(14:36):
there was no acknowledgment, why there was no let's talk
about this, Why there was no apology, I guess. And
then I got to the point of he's not going
to apologize, So how do I deal with this? And
I chose in that moment to really lean into my

(15:01):
brother and remind him how much our relationship meant to
me and to both of us. And this was around
COVID time. My brother for many years had been working
in the oil and gas industry here in Alberta and
was driving trucks. He ended up having two heart attacks

(15:26):
within a week of each other. Oh, and he then
could not drive big trucks, so he ended up driving
cabs in the city that he lived in where my
parents and my sister live, and COVID hit, and there's
nobody eating cabs, and so he started to struggle financially

(15:49):
big time. This was all with an addiction going on
to opioids that he had been using saboxon. He was
on the methadone program before that, and he had been
keeping himself pretty maintained, I guess, and like not wanting

(16:14):
to use it as much. And then COVID hit. The
financial struggle started, and you are able to sell seboxone,
and so that's what he started to do, and then
his craving started to come back. And then by the
time he was able to drive again, somebody got in

(16:37):
his cab that saw his struggle, saw his addiction. They
got to talking he found out about my brother's criminal
past and offered two see if he wanted to start
selling fentanel, and in the condition that my brother was in,

(17:04):
he yeah, I need money. I need to feed my kids.
I need it. And it was from then that things
just started to slide, and it was noticeable. It was
very hard to watch. And so I had been talking

(17:24):
with a friend of mine that her son was kind
of in the similar situation and they had taken him
to a trauma therapist in the city where they my
brother lived, and I suggested it to my brother and
I said, you know what, maybe like it. Maybe you
could go and see him and like just have a
couple of conversations with him, and I'll pay for it.

(17:47):
I know you can't pay for it. And he went
to two sessions, and in that time they do what's
called a life map, and it's all this great big
roll of paper and it just goes through all of
the stuff, right, And he came out of the second
one he's like, you know what, I don't know if
this is doing anything for me. I just I don't know.

(18:10):
And because I was paying for it, and in communication
with the therapist, I reached out to both of them,
and I said, how do you feel about me coming
to one of those sessions with Corey? And they were
both all for it and just to more like support
him and like work through some of our stuff. And

(18:31):
so that's what the book is, is going in and
out of that therapy session and really working through some
of the trauma that he experienced and that we experienced together.
And it was the best gift that I was ever

(18:52):
given in my life, Yes, because I truly understood. And
the thing is too, is that those two sessions before
I got there, Yeah, all of those things were on
the life map, so I knew that they were true.

(19:14):
It was confirmed to me that those things actually happened
because my brother didn't know that I was going to
come to this third session, and he told somebody that
didn't know our family, didn't know us about the beating
about my grandpa, about the sexual abuse that he also endured.

(19:36):
So we went to that and our relationship was just beautiful.

Speaker 2 (19:46):
Yeah, And.

Speaker 3 (19:49):
About a month after, he had an overdose scare and
I rushed home because we thought for sure he was
going to pass away, and he didn't, but he was
so out of it. So like we had to keep
giving him a lox zone to keep his heart going.

(20:13):
So it was me and my mom and my dad,
my sister was out of town, and Corey and we
were sitting on the front porch of their house and
where they live. They it had been a major drought
for like a month, so hot, no rain, and we

(20:37):
were sitting there talking and trying to keep him engaged
and awake, and you know, like because he it's the
fentanyl slouch where they're like this, yeah, and they can't
really stay awake and they can't really, So anyway that
we're sitting out and on the on our chairs and

(20:58):
and all of a sudden, the the sky just kind
of went not dark, but just the clouds just rolled
in instantly and pouring rain, like pouring rain out of nowhere.
And we all kind of looked at each other, like
what the heck is going on? And then my brother

(21:24):
gets up off of his chair and he starts walking
towards the street. And I started recording because I record everything,
like I'm a videographer, so I just record everything. And
he's walking down the driveway with his hands up in

(21:45):
the air and he's like, come on, Tiff, like we
were kids, Let's go, and he's like putting his hands
up like that, right to go and like feel the
rain and dance in the rain. And I had just
horribly dislocated my knee about four days early, three or
four days earlier, and I had this great big knee

(22:06):
brace on. I was still on painkillers myself. And he
gets to the street and he's like, come on, tif,
let's dance in the rain together. And I was just
like I can't. I can't even walk, you know, And
I just kept saying no, and he just kept having
his hands up in the air, like, come on, let's

(22:27):
dance in the rain together. And after the second or
third no, I literally heard God say to me, go
and dance in the rain with your brother. And I
said no again because my knee hurts so bad. And

(22:49):
I heard it again, go and dance in the rain
with your brother. And so I get up and my
mom grabbed her phone. And my mom never record stuff
unless it's like a dance recital, you know, And she
grabbed her phone and got all of this on film

(23:11):
of us, me hobbling out there, and then us dancing
in the rain together, and then we went across the
street my brother and I and we laid on the
grass and we like held hands and told each other
how much we loved each other. You'd get through this.

(23:34):
And it was still pouring rain on us. And I
was recording this as well, and he made a joke
that I hope your camera's waterproof, your phone is waterproof,
because it was pouring on us. Yes, And about two

(23:55):
months later he was gone.

Speaker 2 (23:57):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (24:00):
So the story Dancing in the Ring is about forgiveness
and it's about acknowledgement, and it's about really trying to

(24:27):
understand somebody's journey before judging them. And it has changed
my parenting of my own kids because, yeah, stuff still happens.

(24:48):
I still say stupid shit, I still do stupid stuff,
and sometimes I need that time, that twenty four hour
rule to like, you know, calm down and stuff. But
I never leave it without acknowledgment anymore. Yeah, And I

(25:13):
always come back to it, and I always have that
conversation with my kids about what happened, what I was
feeling in that moment, asking if they want to share
what they were feeling in that moment, and just having
the hard conversation.

Speaker 2 (25:35):
No, I agree. I think it's well needed. To have
those hard conversations with them, because I don't think we
talk about something enough with them. I think we shelter
a lot of them from things when they really need
to know what's going on. And especially as parents, when
you get so hot headed, you're just like you get mad,
and then you say things, you do things. I've been there.
I know exactly what you're talking about. I did some
things I'm not proud of. And when this book comes out,

(25:58):
gear up, people, because you're going to find some things
that I did were not I would not proud of
in any way possible, that I've already you know, self
reflected on and I've had to deal with it already
and admit that I was wrong. And you know, my
kids don't even want to talk to me right now
because they're so mad at me. But I don't blame
them because I was not the greatest person to be around,
you know, and with all these other things, my own
issues and things like that, so I can relate completely,

(26:19):
like I've said some horrible things, you know, and it's
just like you know, I always did teach them though
it's I just remember the last thing you say to somebody,
because they might not be there tomorrow. M exactly, you know,
and it's just it's it's hard. Man, I'm hearing God girl,
you got me going Damn. That was powerful, man. Thank
you for sharing that though. Man. I was jerking in
my heart strings. Man, especially the part of the rain.

(26:41):
I was just like, man, I've heard a lot here.

Speaker 3 (26:45):
So here when you when it starts to rain in
your part of the world, I invite you to go
out and dance in that ring.

Speaker 2 (26:56):
Well, I am in his honor. I'm gonna do it too.
I'm gonna do it just for him.

Speaker 3 (27:00):
Because you know what he was in the lowest part
of his life. Yeah, the lowest. He just about died
like a few hours earlier, and instead of being angry

(27:20):
or being mad or he chose joy. Yeah, he chose
to do something that was love and he actually brought
me into it. And so that's what Dad seen in
the rain means.

Speaker 2 (27:39):
Yeah, that's awesome, that's amazing. That's that's amazing. Like I
said that one hit home. I was like wow, I
just wow, that's that's crazy, because you know it's like
now now everything makes sense, you know, and then having
finding all these things out and now he's unfortunately gone.

(27:59):
You know, it's just like she's that poor guy, but.

Speaker 3 (28:04):
This is how he's living on.

Speaker 2 (28:06):
Truth is true.

Speaker 3 (28:08):
There were so many moments in the writing of this
book that I it took eighteen months to write it,
and I had so many doubts and so many times
where I just sat with like, oh, what am I doing?
Why am I doing this? What? Oh my gosh, you know,

(28:31):
like this is going to impact my relationship with my
dad and maybe like the Carson side of my family
because talking about my grandpa and all of it, right,
and and I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It did

(28:53):
impact my relationship with my dad for a while. And
my dad's not a reader. Before my book, he had
only read one book and it was Willie Nilson. And
my mom left my book on their coffee table and

(29:17):
she was coming to my house to visit and help
take care of the kids while I was out of town,
and so she knew that he might pick it up
and might read it. And sure enough, he did, and
he was very angry. He was very angry that I

(29:39):
would share those secrets and those moments that were swept
under the rug and why I basically attacked his family
and he was wondering why I didn't share the stuff

(30:03):
from my mom's family, like the addictions that happen in
my mom's family. And I sat down with him. We
were out camping and he didn't know I was coming,
and I just showed up and I basically said, let's

(30:23):
sit down and talk about it. And again, he wanted
to avoid it. He wanted to avoid anything to do
with me or a conversation about it, and I made
him and I just said, I didn't bring up anything
in mom's family because none of those things had an

(30:47):
impact on my journey or Corey's journey. The things that
happened that impacted our journey were from people in Carson family,
and it wouldn't make any sense to bring in the
fact that Uncle blah blah blah has a drinking problem.

(31:07):
So what nothing that he did or she did impacted us, right,
And so I think hearing that made him understand it
a little bit better why they weren't included in the book.
It took about a year after that conversation for things

(31:35):
to get better. And I am so happy to say
that our relationship is the best it has ever been. Yeah,
and it's because I'm doing the work I'm doing, all

(31:57):
of this healing work I am doing, but he is too.
That's awesome, And he didn't need to, but he chose to,
and he's doing it in his own way. And sometimes
that's more quiet. Sometimes that's not out in the open

(32:19):
for people to see, but he's doing it in his
own way. Sorry, and you're good. The other thing that
I hope to inspire people with sharing this and the
fact that I did it before he was gone, because

(32:40):
I did get many comments like that, like holy smokes,
he wrote that while he's still alive. Whoa why wait?

Speaker 2 (32:49):
Yeah, exactly, why wait?

Speaker 3 (32:52):
The point of us being here and the point of
our journeys here is to learn and to grow and
to forgive and to understand and to love. And you've
lost an opportunity if you wait until they're gone, definitely,

(33:20):
And so I encourage people to really, if it's safe, obviously,
make sure that you are safe. You you know, feel
like you can do that and be safe. But I did.
I felt no danger from sharing this, yeah, except if

(33:49):
my heart would be broken even more by losing my dad.
But I was willing to take that chance to share
my brother's story, my story and let people know that
there's more to people's journeys than what you see.

Speaker 2 (34:09):
I think that's a fantastic point to really do think
that really is a lot of people. I think we
judge on the surface level and we don't know the
reason why people end up where they're at for whatever
reasons they have, you know, And I think that's what
the problem is nowadays they were quick to judge people.
We don't know everything about somebody, So somebody team may
appear like they're crazy, but do we really know what
the root cause of that is. And it's just like

(34:30):
what your brother would do. We don't know if any
of that stuff happened too. It's yeah, it's hard, man.
It's hard these days because you don't know what people
are thinking. That when people take their lives, the next
question is, well, I didn't know or what were they thinking?
You don't know, you don't know what that person's been through.
You know, maybe they cried for help and you didn't
hear them, you know. And it's just it's hard to

(34:50):
watch because they have to sit back and watch them
self disrupted and it's like, well, what can I do? So,
you know, and it's it's hard afterwards. Too, because once
they're gone, they're gone. There's no bringing them back. This
isn't a video game. You can't you set the game
and then he'll be there again, and you know, no
party items to bring them back and stuff like that.
You know, it's just it's just a hard truth. Man.
It's just that's just nasty, dude. It's crazy, it really is.

(35:13):
So let's talk about your podcast though. What started your
podcast though? I mean, was he the reason why you
podcast started too to try and reach more people in
a larger basis, or was it just a personal journey
of your own?

Speaker 3 (35:25):
That is the second that's actually the first part. Oh, okay,
of my journey. I started my podcast in twenty twenty,
and that was my ex husband now and I had
a very difficult time having children. Yeah, and so we

(35:50):
had a ten year infertility battle and it took five
years to get our daughter through in vitro, and it
took another five years after her to get our twin boys.
And she's now sixteen and they're now twelve and not.

(36:13):
It was just it was excruciating. So I was the
I was the girl thanks.

Speaker 2 (36:21):
For tuning in want of Them?

Speaker 3 (36:23):
Hi, I was the girl who in that farm farmhouse.
I was the one who made my cabbage patch doll
a homemade waterbed.

Speaker 2 (36:36):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (36:36):
For those that don't know what a waterbed is, you don't.

Speaker 2 (36:39):
Want too, man, I'm like, I know what that is.

Speaker 3 (36:43):
Yeah, And so I made my cabbage patch doll a
homemade waterbed out of two by fours in a hot
water bottle. And so I knew that I was going
to be a mom and I knew it, I felt it.
And so when my husband and I got married, we

(37:06):
wanted to start right away and it wasn't happening. It
was just I was seeing all of my friends everybody
else getting pregnant and having kids, and it was just like,
what death is going on here? And anyway, long story short,

(37:26):
around the five year mark for each of our kids.
They all started even before that. Actually, for my boys
and her, a lot of behavior stuff going on a lot.
And when the boys were born, we ended up having
to hire a live in nanny just because of where

(37:48):
we lived. There was no child care that would take twins,
twins babies and my husband at the time and we
are in upper management companies. We love our jobs, our careers,
and I wanted to go back to work, and so

(38:08):
she was there. She was a godsend and angel, and
yet it sheltered us from seeing some stuff early on.
And about the two and a half year mark, she
moved on to another family just because she could make
more money with them, and we understood that our economy

(38:31):
was tanking then, and that's when poop got real. That's
when we were like because we now had to parent
full time, and we're like, what the hell is happening here?
And so we had to put them in daycare day
homes and that my daughter was in school, and like
I said, my husband and I were like we were

(38:54):
getting calls every single day to come in and get
our kids. They can't be here, you need to put
them in a different place, and on and on and on.
And I started piling up mounds and mounds of paperwork
from all of these places, like describing what was happening,
and they were so generous to give me that info

(39:16):
because I was like, just be real, like how bad
was the little shit? You know? And there were times
where we would like go in James and I and
we'd be like, okay, run grab their lunch kit because
we didn't want to like have to have another meeting

(39:36):
you know. Anyway, that was around twenty twenty eighteen, and
it got so bad. Sorry, Yeah, and they were diagnosed
with ADHD and ODD at that time because of all
of the paperwork. But it got so bad at one

(39:58):
point that I couldn't handle it anymore. I literally it
was there was something my brain. I call it a break.
My brain just it just cracked. And I was like,
it was so overstimulated, it was so done with all
of the chaos. And I think it was just the

(40:21):
years of infertility and the hormones and the drugs and
then the parenting struggle that we had we're having that
I ended up going behind the clothes in my closet
and I was hiding from my kids, and I was
making a decision if I was going to check out

(40:45):
from my life or if I was going to do
something else. And I literally was shown a fork in
the road, and like I said, it was either check
out out and leave or get help. Those are your options.

Speaker 2 (41:04):
Yeah, like I said, people that don't have kids probably
don't understand, but it I just looked up what odide
is the definition of things, and it's yeah, three of them.
Oh no, that's like like warfare in your household every
single day. Man, just just and it's not a lot
of things people realize, you know, just defind orders, annoying
each other, all these small minor things falling in that category. Man,

(41:26):
I just oh god, because I had twins as well mine.
All the girls though, and said, you know that I
got that got the petty cattiness level. And the oldest
one wanted all the attentions, so she's used being so
spoiled all the years. And then the two younger ones
came in and that was our boy attempt, and then
they were both girls and it was just like, ugh,
it was it was rough, man. And then eventually I
was a single parent taking care of them because her

(41:46):
mom just disappeared after we split up, and I had
to learn new things that I didn't think i'd have
to learn at that point. But you know, it was
very interesting because it's like, you see the other side
of the perspective, because girls don't think of the same
way guys do, and they're very emotional, and I'm that
very emotional person. At the time, I'm just like, you know,
I'm juggling two jobs, trying to keep everything together, and
then Mom's popping back in in and causing drama for it.

(42:08):
So I could just only imagine what you're dealing with
at that time. Because when we were together, it was
I worked mostly overnight, so I wasn't sleeping at all hardly,
so I was absoletely half asleep nine percent of a
time and get up irritable and things like that that
I'd pick them from the bus because Mom was never
home because she was at work or she ran off somewhere,
and it was just I could a girl. I couldn't
even imagine for you. I am so sorry. I could

(42:30):
not even imagine what every day was like for you.

Speaker 3 (42:33):
Well in your journey too, like it it's real. It's hard, yeah,
And like sometimes when we think about parenting when we're younger,
like before we have them, it's this magical it's all
the highlight reels right right, and all of the highlight photos,

(42:53):
and yet behind the scenes, literally I was losing it
and it was it was like warfare. Some like it
was chaos. There were moments, lots of moments of joy
and love and all of that. I don't ever want
to say that it wasn't there was like when I

(43:15):
look back at photos and stuff. And that's why I
video everything too. Is there were so many moments of
unreal beauty.

Speaker 2 (43:27):
No, I agree that this is where, but there was.

Speaker 3 (43:31):
So much hard. So yeah, I was in that closet
behind those clothes, hiding from them, and I was very
angry at God, like I was pissed that he gave

(43:53):
us a ten year battle to get them here. Yeah,
and then we had to parent these little ships.

Speaker 2 (44:03):
Every time you say that I keep the guy, I
can't stop laughing because I can agree with you that
when kids like people are listening like, oh my god,
she just called kids little shits. Listen, they were little shits. Okay,
would you look at the devinition of what she was
dealing with, like an fghiny war zone in her house.
Name was saying she had to come out of the
bedroom in swat gear, just be ready for ready for
what the day was armor up.

Speaker 3 (44:24):
Oh my god. So I came out of there and
I knew what I needed to do. Yeah, and I
phoned my mom because my husband at the time, he
was also in the same boat, but he held it differently
and we were in it together. He left the house

(44:50):
instead of like hiding behind the cloak he went and
mowed the lawn, or he went and hit golf balls
or you know, like he he did it differently. And
so I came out of there. I phoned my mom
and I said, can you please come for a month
and take care of the kids. James and I need

(45:14):
we need to figure our stuff out. And she came
and I started going to therapy and I my daughter
had been going to play therapy with this lady named Jenna,
and I had seen other therapists before this, and it

(45:38):
was in those sessions that I talked with her after
my daughter's sessions where I knew she was my person. Yeah,
so I asked her, I said, would you see me
too or do you just see kids? And she's like, no,
I see everybody. So I started seeing her and she
saved my life. Yeah, in the sessions, and she was

(46:02):
the one who said the words that changed everything for
me because prior to her saying these words, the number
one sentence out of my mouth was why me? Why
is this happening to me? Why do I have this journey?
What the hell? And like just it was all why

(46:26):
why me? And she said, you know, you're supposed to
do something with this pain. Right, and I thought she
was crazy. I thought I have found a lunatic for
a therapist. Great, this is awesome. I looked at it.
I'm like, you want me to do something with this, like, uh, hello,

(46:53):
what's wrong with you? And she said it again and
I was mad at her. I was just like, she's crazy.
So I left there and I started driving home and
I was listening to a podcast. I don't remember who
it was, and I heard start a podcast and I

(47:15):
heard it again, and I'm like, before this, like I'm
a shy I was a shy person, like quite extreme introvert.
And I was like, no, what what is going on here?
First I have a crazy therapist, and now I'm hearing
start a podcast, Like, no, I have a hard time

(47:35):
talking to people, let alone into a mic and like
talking to other people, you know. And about a couple
of weeks later, I woke up at three in the
morning and I ordered a microphone off Amazon and it
arrived the next day and I laughed and I said

(47:57):
I'm going to return that, and I did it. It
sat in my office for a couple months and taunted
me and just kept looking at me. And then I
just kept hearing start a podcast, start a podcast, And
then it came to me and I knew what I
was supposed to talk about. And I went to my

(48:19):
ex now and I said, are you okay if I
share our story? And I had written out four episodes
worth of notes, and he is, and he'll he fully
admits this now. He is undiagnosed ADHD. The guy can't

(48:39):
sit still for the life of him, like he's constantly
on the move. And as I read these four pages
or four and four inch or episode's worth of notes,
the guy didn't move a single inch, like, not even

(48:59):
at not even to like Smith, like, he didn't move.
And he was just like, oh my lord, you need
to share that.

Speaker 2 (49:10):
Yeah, he seems very supportive though. I mean that that's
good of them. Though he was like, you know, you
gotta do something because a lot of times people in
their exes don't get along at all. Like my exes
mom and her dad have like a weird glace. She's
just like they hang out all the time. And to
me that was just weird because when I grew up
is my parents went to war. As soon as they celebrated.
It was just a constant back and forth battle about everything.

(49:31):
When we talked about the other one. This one yea,
but that one this would tell me these things. I'm
just like, You're like, your head's constantly going like this,
and you're just like, what, well.

Speaker 3 (49:38):
This was when we were still married.

Speaker 2 (49:41):
Oh okay, okay, yeah, this was.

Speaker 3 (49:42):
When we were still married that I started my podcast.
This was in twenty twenty. And he was all for it.
He was just like, yeah, absolutely share this. And then
so that was four episodes, and then on the fifth
episode I had I brought him on and to get
his perspective of everything that I just shared in the

(50:04):
four episodes, and to hear it from the man's perspective, right,
the infertility and what that's like to go into the
room and all of that, right, and it just started
this I don't know even what to call. So the
podcast name is Hard Beautiful Journey, and it was like

(50:28):
me sharing our story and being vulnerable gave people the.

Speaker 2 (50:35):
I don't know the it's authenticity, I think is what
it is that you're giving out this information that most
people wouldn't even divulge in. Somebody connect to them because
it's obviously there. The demand is there because people are
listening to it and they're like, damn it, she can
say it, why can't I say it? Kind of thing,
you know, And a lot of times that's what happens
with this show, is that I have had a couple
of people come on they said, well, I heard some

(50:56):
else's story, now I want to come share my kind
of thing. And it's just like it's so interesting because
it's like you can cause change just by telling your
own story of what happened, because a lot of people
find out that they're not alone.

Speaker 3 (51:09):
Yeah, And for me, the shame was around my body
not being able to do what it's naturally supposed to
do and what's wrong with me? What's wrong with us?
And that I held a lot of shame around that,

(51:30):
and then once I started sharing, it was like there
is no shame. It's just stuff that happens. There's a
lot that goes into it, and just sharing it, like
the weight that came off my shoulders is like something
I can't even describe, and it was gone. It was gone,

(51:54):
and I helped somebody else that may have been feeling
like that. And that's what she meant, my therapist is,
you know, you're supposed to do something with this, And
it was to help other people and share our story,
and so that has led to other people sharing their story.
And now I'm now at one hundred and forty episodes,

(52:17):
and it just keeps getting better and better and better,
and yeah.

Speaker 2 (52:22):
It's time it gets it gets more practice and more repetitions.
I think they said after like two years or two
inner episodes usually for most podcasters, it gets easier. I'm
already not even a year out and I've already got
one hundred and fifty plus episodes done, probably more of
lost count after a while. I just love what I do.
It's just a mand that this thing has been crazy
when I started this last year as we approach the

(52:44):
anniversary data, but September fifteenth, I've been booked constantly, Like
I don't think. I think in the first couple of
weeks I had to like kind of move around and
get some people's scheduled things. But ever since then it
blew up from there. I put a digital calendar up
and this thing just exploded. Like I'm talking. I strictly
did Mondays and Monday's only, and I was already out
to July twenty twenty five. Come November, you know, then

(53:04):
I open the beginning of that you open to Europe
and I'm I'm just get people constantly signing up, and
it's like and when I tell people and they look
at my calend, they're like, well, you're really out to
like November. I'm like, yeah, I am apparently, so like
I don't know, I know, as I do the live
show Monday here on the network and everything like that too,
and then I I do it Tuesday. I've been bulk.
I'm moving to bulk or putting my episodes up so

(53:26):
I can release them like that too, is that we
have more time in the week to other stuff now
that I'm a co owner of the network and I
got all that stuff. I'm juggling as well. But it's
it's been great. Like I've had so many cold people.
I've had so many stories, Like I said, yours is
right up there with them. Trust me, man, I've had
a lot of stories told on this show. And it's
it's still going. Like people look at my schedule now
and they're like, well, apparently you're out to this date

(53:46):
and I'm like, oh am, I really like I look tracked,
like I'm not looking at it. I see people signing
up and I find new stories all the time, so
I always invite people to come, and you know, and
it gets easier every time you invite. You start pitching
people because at first it's like, hey, I'm just podcaster,
but you know, so many people have said yes, just why.
I mean, I'm just like, you don't want to take
a long shout out, what the hell's go for it? So,
you know, and things like that. And one of my

(54:07):
top five guests actually coming on this Friday. It's out
Doctor Jen. She runs what is It Psych? With a
Mic that podcast there, and I've been watching her since
day one. Like the first couple of weeks, I was
getting into this thing. I was looking at some stuff
and then somebody mentioned BPD to me and I was like,
I wonder what the hell that is, because you know,
when I started this, I didn't really know that much.
I was like, I'm about to go on a journey.
This is gonna be self discovery for Pete as long
as I go. You know, I'm gonna talk about myself,

(54:29):
learn other things as I go, meet new people along
the way. And the demand just shot off. And then
I was watching doctor Jen's videos in the beginning, and
then one day I just like, I caught her live
on TikTok and I was like, you know what, Louck,
and I'm just gonna go for it because my wife
and I joked about it. She was like, yeah, you
should invite her to come on the show. I'm like, dude,
I think I would fall out of this chair on
the floor and die if she says yes. Well, she
was live, okay, so I'm typing and the thing's going

(54:51):
like she saw the comment because she stopped and put
it up there and goes, oh, yeah, yeah, Pete, reach
out to me or whatever. A month later, she reaches
out and goes, oh my god, I'm so sorry it
took me.

Speaker 3 (54:59):
No.

Speaker 2 (55:00):
I'm like, I'm like, is this this real? Is this
really her tech messaging me? Like I was so so stunned, dude.
I was just like, this is crazy because it's like,
you know, I've been talking to since day one. I
was like, oh wow, she's never gonna say yes to this.
Let's just go for what the hell? You know? And
had I not been in that room at that time
and just type that message, I don't think I ever
would have got her, because you know, she's just busy
with her home things and stuff, you know, and it's

(55:21):
just every time somebody says yes, I'm just like, holy shit,
this is weird, you know. And in statistically the site
we're both on, I'm at one hundred percent response rate.
Like I'm gonna brag a little bit, but I'm at
one hundred percent response rate. People literally respond to me,
either they'll say yes or no and then it to you.
At first, I got a little bitter I'm not gonna
lie and they said and I'm like, oh, you know
the fuck you don't want to just sorty wee can.
But it's like I get more people pitching me than

(55:43):
I'm pitching them right now because I'm just like the
calendar just keeps filling out because I like, I'm on
Instagram and all these are things I'm just kind of
going through and see these different stories of people saying things,
and I'm like, listen, this is a long shot. I
run a podcast. Would you like to come share your story?
I think that it'd be a great thing and get
it out there, you know. And then obviously I'm gonna
s are y'all tell other people I know too well?
You know, you and I both know Melissa and emotionally availables,

(56:04):
you know, and she has the show, and yeah, she's
a great friend of mine. Me and her we talk
all the time every day. In fact, she finds a
lot more about me than most people do. But like,
you know, I'll share out to everybody else I know,
and I always tell people out, you know, and then
everybody's always asking me questions about too. Like there's a
young guy who work with He's like, would you talk
to today? I'm like, well, you know today, da da da,
And he's like, oh, that's so interesting, you know. And

(56:24):
I've done so many cool things on this show.

Speaker 3 (56:27):
You know.

Speaker 2 (56:27):
I got more coming down the line too. Even got
an next NFL player and just interviewed that last week.
It was great. You know, Like I if I sat
here you're going told you that I would have been
doing all this, I would have laughed at you and
be like, there's no one hell you're doing that stuff, dude.

Speaker 3 (56:38):
You know. So it's when it's when we actually listen
right and like shoot that shot, Oh you got.

Speaker 2 (56:46):
Away, shoot the shot. I'm gonna tell you'all right now,
you shoot your shot always, because you know what you
miss all the shots you don't take because you never
know what one's gonna say yes.

Speaker 3 (56:54):
M you know, I've inspired me to do that myself
because there's a couple that I'm like, you know, that
nervous feeling, like yeah, yeah, but yeah.

Speaker 2 (57:05):
There's a few big names I've had on this show, though,
they've been pretty crazy. Like the lead singer of the
band called Haunter. I was just on Instagram last year
when I even got her to say yes. She saw
like twenty thousand followers six hundred thirty five thousand downloads
on one of her songs, and I was just like, hey, listen,
let me ask you a question about mental health. And
she it turns out to be a massive advocate. Then
she comes on the show and I'm like freaking out.

(57:26):
She's like this, okay, dude, calm down, you go like
before we get a click, I'm just like, did this
is also real? I'm so happy you're here. And she
was so excited to be there and like you could
just feel our energy coming from the other side of
the screen. She was just so cool though, you know,
And it's so crazy when people say yes, because I'm
just like, oh shit, they just said yes to me.
I'm like, oh, somebody pinched me here and then when
doctor Jen said yes, I was telling everybody in the world.

(57:47):
I'm like, oh, yeah, yep, it's a top five guests
has just been completed. There's one off the list. I
really want it. It was right there boom, and I was like,
I told me, like, hey, remember that the lady I
talked to you about in the beginning when I started
doing this, I was watching those videos about BPD and
all their things and go through and has these informational
but he She's like, yeah, matter how we joked about
her being on the show sometimes and she goes, yeah, well,
guess who just just emailed me and said that they

(58:07):
want to set up something and that they're so excited
to be on there. I was like, yeah, you know, like,
can't hit me real quick because I think this is fake. Man.
I just I can't believe this is really happening to you.
Can you pinch me? Because I don't know if this
is true. But it's so cool, man, It's so it's
so exciting.

Speaker 3 (58:20):
Though.

Speaker 2 (58:21):
It's fun when people say yeah, because you never know
what conversation you're going to have and things like that too,
you know, and it gets it gets easier every time
you have the conversations. And like I said, yours was,
oh so the first time I ever cried in this show.

Speaker 3 (58:33):
Man.

Speaker 2 (58:33):
Let me tell y'all, that was a tear jerker. Guys,
that was ripping at me. You and Susan Snow right
now are top two stories that have almost You're You're
the one that's managed to make it happen and Susan
Snow and I almost one always had a moment there.

Speaker 3 (58:44):
Man.

Speaker 2 (58:45):
Hers was rough too listening to and it's just like
it's just like it just kept going. I was like,
oh shit, here we go. You know, so I appreciate you,
apatiate coming on your share and all that, man, because
that's that's a lot to say, man, And it's just, oh,
I know we're gonna tug get some of these hard
strings here.

Speaker 3 (59:00):
It does. I'd like to think it gets easier to
share it, and it does. Yeah, And yet I know
I'm going to cry and I'm okay with it because
every every time I cry, like literally, I feel like
the tears are just like I call it sab for

(59:21):
my heart, like it's just they heal my heart.

Speaker 2 (59:25):
That's a rough story though, I mean, oh, man, if
you didn't cry, I'm like, well you okay over there,
because there's no way. Hell, I've probably been doing it
for you. I'm like, what, that's rough, man.

Speaker 3 (59:36):
But he is. He's with me all the time, and
he's the one who gets gets me through telling the story.

Speaker 2 (59:43):
And yeah, I'm just I believe it. Und he's not
he's not he's gone, but he's not forgotten it all.
I understand that completely. It's just and it you could
feel there in that story. Man, I feel like he's
touching your heart when you're telling people by the story,
because he's like, he's like, yeah, here's my message to
the world. As you know, you never know anybody's going
through and it's it's hard and anybody that's just joining us.
Now you missed the first part of this episode. You

(01:00:05):
need to go back and watch. It is a tear jerker.
It is rough and trigger warning. It is rough to
listen to, but it's real man, It's it's just. This
is why I do this because I love these stories.
I love hearing people come share these things and tell
us these things because it's like, dude, you never know
anything until you know something, and then when you do
and then It's like, whoa hold on that? That would
just man. But but Tip, thank you so much for coming.

(01:00:28):
I appreciate it coming today. As we started getting ready
to wrap up here, I'm gonna ask you a few
questions I ask all my guests in the show. Okay,
So the first one is, I don't know if you've
heard this one here watching these recent episodes, I've asked
people a question that came from a good friend of
mine that does the shit that goes on her head.
My good friend gretch And asked me when we interviewed.
She said, Pete, if your mental had a song, what

(01:00:48):
would it be? So my question you, Tip, is if
your mental health had a song, what would that song be.
It's a good question. Shout out to Susan Snow though,
cause she so far as given the answer I like
the most. She gave up rage against the machine. I
was like, I'm like so many funny said it. Wow,
that's a great question. I'm telling you, Oh my gosh,

(01:01:12):
you could take any song.

Speaker 3 (01:01:13):
Love can build a bridge. Yeah you know who that is?
The Jets Yep, literally.

Speaker 2 (01:01:22):
Yeah, I love it. That's awesome. And then my next
question for you is got to ask everybody, And the
whole point of this podcast is if you could break
the stigma about mental health, anything that you know that
you're tired of people saying entire of hearing, what would
that be?

Speaker 3 (01:01:41):
Get over it? Get over it?

Speaker 2 (01:01:46):
She'd get over it.

Speaker 3 (01:01:48):
And if I hear that one more time, there's nothing
to get over. Yeah, there's just stuff to get through.

Speaker 2 (01:01:58):
I couldn't say any better, mind. I think that's phenomenal.
Once again, tip Cardon's thintions for being here. I appreciate everything.
Do you want to literally know where they can find
you if they want to reach out to you? Obviously
the books on Amazon and all that kind of stuff, right.

Speaker 3 (01:02:11):
Yes, so my book Dancing in the Rain is on Amazon.
My podcast is Hard Beautiful Journey, and you can learn
more about me and the breath work and somatic work
that I do as well on tifcarson dot com.

Speaker 2 (01:02:28):
It'll be down here in the description of the video
for you all in case you're watching this at a
later time audio side same thing. It'll be a description
for you guys to check her out, you know, and
as usual, as always, say guys on peep for anxiety.
I'm pretty much everything X down of TikTok. I'm on
Spotify all the down at Heart Radio and I was.
I always say it costs nothing, absolutely not to be
kind and somebody one kind of act you can do
an save some life for hell, can you make their day?
I'm peak for so anxiety setting up saying hey, don't
ask how your days to they say, hey, how's your

(01:02:50):
about the health today
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