November 7, 2025 • 27 mins
DONT GET PLAYED!
Today's epsiode is about passive reciprocation and the many ways that we choose to cope with rejection. We are all so guilty of this!
Let me know what other podcast topics you would like to see below!
Today's epsiode is about passive reciprocation and the many ways that we choose to cope with rejection. We are all so guilty of this!
Let me know what other podcast topics you would like to see below!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So I attempted to ghoste you you didn't notice. Hey
I exist. Are you well? First of all, raise your
hand if you needed this video right now, just from
the title alone. As a matter of fact, thumbs up
(00:21):
this video. If you needed to see this right now,
you know, I really feel like this is a timely topic.
Aside from real life inspiration, I actually saw this quote
that said that if you have to cut someone off
in order to provoke them into wanting you or even
demonstrating basic empathy, it is time to opt out. Because
(00:42):
let's be real here. Okay, how many times have we
manipulated a situation to get a fixed outcome or warrant
a certain reaction out of a man before we jump
into these tips? Ah hah, Yeah, you're itching and scratch
because you want to hear it. Uh uh uh, slay
your roll. You better subscribe because I'm not anymore. I'm
not doing this anymore. Subscribe if you haven't already, be
(01:04):
sure to follow me on Instagram. That'll be over here.
Make sure that you are subscribed to my mailing list.
I have really really exciting news on the way for
you guys. A lot of amazing projects coming up soon
that is the best way to stay up to date
and know what's going on with me before it hits
this channel. I also have a monthly newsletter which will
(01:26):
be coming out as well. And the Quality Queen comment
of the day is, hey, Asha, I started watching your
videos about a year ago when I was getting out
of and over a toxic relationship. You have helped me
so much grow as a woman. Recently, I started focusing
less on dating boys and more on improving myself and
my personal development. I love that you started covering these
(01:48):
topics more on your channel. The timing is perfect. You
are literally an inspiration. Ps. I love your makeup in
this video. Oh thank you so much. And yes, I
really do think it's important to have that balance of
knowing when to focus on yourself. Sometimes people like to
circle the drain over and over again, and they are
going insane for a reason. Because you can't keep trying
(02:12):
to escape the lessons that you are supposed to learn
by repeating the same patterns and dealing with the same people.
You have to know when to just actually take the
time to work on yourself and not be a serial monogamist.
And let's get on into this video, so we all
have toxic traits. To be honest, let's acknowledge that rule
(02:34):
of them. And like I said before, we've all have
been guilty of manipulating a certain situation in order to
get a desired outcome. We've all tried different tactics to
cope with rejection or coping with something that we didn't
really like. So, in the spirit of self awareness and
soul work in service of becoming the quality queen that
(02:56):
I know that you are, let's reveal them. Shall we
passive recifocation? Five ways we soothe our ego to cope
with rejection. Number one eliciting responses. Come on, let's be
transparent here. Okay, this is not a video where we're gonna,
you know, play nice tough love today. We've all been
there where we texted a guy we really like because
(03:17):
he's not texting us back, and we assume or we
think that him answering us means that he cares, or
we buy the story of he was too busy, so
we feel inclined to refresh his memory. Hey, I exist,
I'm here. Where have you gone? I'm devastated. Now this
(03:40):
is where it gets tricky. This is a sure way
to getting breadcrumbed where you attempt to get certain responses
on multiple platforms, like responding to a meme or even
sending him a meme, or he actually only responds to
you on social media. He ignores your text, but then
(04:00):
response to your story or looks at your story. That's
essentially where breadcrumbing is. This is a sure way to
get into both a situationship and also a sure way
to be breadcrumbed. That's an example of how you get
into a situationship where you are engaging in passive reciprocation
number two pretending to ghost. Okay, ladies, the gig is up.
(04:23):
So we probably do this a lot more now than
we used to, like in life, because now that we
are a little bit onto the game, the rules have
changed and this is more second nature to men. However,
you have to understand that you cannot use this as
leverage to get a guide back. Yes, exactly what I
just said, because I promise you that's when all the
(04:44):
games will begin. Because in all actuality, disappearing isn't necessarily
a grand act of courage. It's something that we do
when we are not as emotionally mature, or we are
emotionally unavailable. So that's why a lot of the times
guys when they do things like this, being that they
are not usually in touch with their emotions first, like
(05:06):
women are. They do things like ghosts and all these
different disappearing acts and popping up again from the dead.
But as women, we most likely ghost a guy because
we assume that it's gonna make him want us. Or
are we just ghosts in general because we simply weren't
interested guilty anyway, Only ghosts if you are genuinely going
(05:30):
to leave that person. I mean seriously, Only ghosts if
you genuinely have zero intentions of coming back. Because it
sounds like a good idea, but I promise you it's
not effective. Think about why you're in a position in
the first place to feel compelled to warrant that reaction.
And in all actuality, he may not even care enough
(05:50):
to even notice what it is that you're doing anyways,
and that's even more hurtful. Like when you're you can
try to like stick it to them and it's like ah,
and they just they need to really get it. They Okay,
so I attempted to ghost you, you didn't notice. I
am literally disintegrating on a molecular level. I'm that embarrassed.
(06:11):
If the only way that you can get this guy
to care about you or feel like he cares about
you by cutting him off or pretending to disappear for
a while in hopes that it will trigger some sort
of remorse or maybe in turn make him want to
change or finally give you the relationship that you wanted
by him realizing what he missed. You're not going to
(06:32):
get it this way. I hate to be the bar
of bad news, but it's true, and as easy as
it is to say, way easier said than done. Try
your best to not get into the habit of forcing
favorable outcomes because it's all fun in games. Until you
realize that you're circling the drain and you're hitting the
same wall over and over again, you're not making any progress.
(06:56):
If you are going to actually go ghosts, you actually
have to go for men. They are not wired in
the way that they're going to think, Oh my god,
no way, I can't believe I let this girl go.
It doesn't happen, I'm sure. Okay, but for the majority,
he might not even realize you go. Some might not
even bother to contact you, or he might swing back
(07:17):
around a couple months later, Hey, what happened to you?
I kind of just thought you didn't want to talk
And it's like, okay, so you thought I didn't want
to talk to you. You didn't find it weird that
I haven't spoken to you in like four months? Are
you well anyway? Number three attempting to be just friends?
Oh so naive. I've been there, so I'm not even
(07:40):
I'm not even coming at any like that. But listen,
don't try to just be friends with someone because you
absolutely know that they don't want anything more with you.
This is a way to cope with rejection because you
are still soothing your ego by having this individual around,
but you are trying to make it seem like, oh, yeah,
we're just friends. I'm just gonna be friends with him
(08:01):
because I don't even run a relationship anyway. But that's
only because you already know he doesn't want a relationship
with you. I caught you, so essentially it might feel
like a win win, like, yes, I get to be
his friend, and then maybe if we just stay friends,
he's gonna end up falling in love with me and
realize that I'm just so amazing and then he'll just
realize that he doesn't want to just be my friend.
(08:23):
Guys are very perfectly capable of sleeping with their friends.
They do it all the time. In fact, you're probably
the friend he's sleeping with right now. Guys do things
like this all the time. Why do you think there
are a thousand situationships in the world. Why do you
think there are so many friends of benefits in the world,
Because genuinely, guys do sleep with their friends women don't.
(08:43):
We think we do, but we really don't. And if
we're if we are engaging in that type of dynamic,
it's probably because we accepted the fact that it's never
going to be anything more and we're kind of place
holding someone until we meet who we really want to
be with. There are so many it's very multifaceted, so
you never really know what an individual circumstance is. But
I'm guaranteeing you under the age of twenty five, for you,
(09:06):
that's not really the case. More than likely you cannot
handle a dynamic like that even after twenty five. Nobody
really wants to be just friends with somebody that they
are giving their body to, you know, it's just it's
just it's something cookie crumbled. And even if you think
you're okay with the dynamic like that, you're still gonna
want added benefits that sort of align with being in
(09:28):
a relationship. So you may actually think, you know, I
genuinely am not in a position right now where I
want to be in a relationship. And I have this,
you know, a great chemistry with this individual, and so
I don't really see why not. Plus like I already
know him, you know, we've been here already. But then
you're going to want certain things, like you want to
hang out with him, you know, during the week or
(09:49):
like on the weekends, and you're finding that you are
missing that emotional component which a lot of us do need.
And then when you turn around and you realize, oh darn,
I don't really only want to come over at you know,
ten at night, and then I'm literally out of your
house at four am, like, no, I don't want to
(10:11):
do that anymore. And I understand that usually when people
decide that they just want to be your friend, they
mean it. I feel like guys, more than women, have
the capability to look at a woman and know, okay,
this girl is you know, special, doesn't mean they still
won't test you and try to, you know, be basic
with you, but they just know it's an energy that
(10:33):
you embody that they just know you're different. They know
that they probably really do like you and that it
could go beyond what they may have wanted. But they
also have the capability of knowing when I have zero
interest in ever being anything with this you know woman,
And that also depends on whether or not they are
(10:53):
emotionally available. But just know that guys know there is
no timeline when it comes to men. I don't know.
We got to really get that out of our heads
because why is there no timeline when it comes to
MHAs you want to live with me? But when it
comes to anything more serious, we got to wait to
have a conversation. But we didn't have to wait for
(11:14):
you to see me naked. Huh. We have to wait
to have a conversation about what we're doing. But you
want to see me naked? Are you? Well? You need
to get checked out. I'm concerned if you have to
get crafty and cunning manipulative just so that this guy
(11:36):
will stick around, it won't work. Trust and believe me,
you will continue that same pattern in dynamic throughout the
entire situationship, because I can assure you it will never
be an actual relationship. Number four, bending over backwards, always
being super available, bending your schedule around him so that
(11:57):
you don't miss a chance to hang out with him.
And by you doing this and waiting on his beck
and call, essentially you're hoping, oh, he'll see that I'm really,
you know, an amazing girl, and I'm very nice, and
I'm very domestic, Kate, I can't talk, and I'm very domesticated,
and you know what you probably are, But you have
(12:18):
to learn to play your role. You cannot give wifey treatment.
You're cooking, you're cleaning, you're offering everything because you do
like him. And naturally, as women, we are nurturers, so
we are more inclined to, you know, show this nurturing
side of ourselves and kind of you know, take care
of things. It's what we do. But the only thing
(12:39):
that he's benefiting from is your lack of boundaries. You
know how many times we've all been there where we
want to just show a guy all that we have
to offer. We're great cooks, we clean very well, we
keep ourselves together. They're great qualities to have However, everyone
doesn't deserve the chance to see you know that side
(12:59):
of your because half of the time they don't even
really care. I mean, I'm not saying be a slob
or whatever, but the right guy is going to have
the understanding that you may possess those qualities already, and
he understands that he has to earn the right for
you to unleash those things. We do a lot of
(13:20):
these things, We do too much for the wrong people.
I've been there before. I remember one time I dated
this guy and I was thinking, let me just show
him what a great person I am, because he seems
rather jaded. That hasn't changed, and I realized that no
matter how much I'm trying to be as emotionally available
as humanly possible, this person is not opening up. They
(13:42):
still are just very superficial surfacy, and I wasn't getting anywhere,
and me feeling bad and expressing myself emotionally or even
trying to be very helpful, it didn't really go anywhere
because this person and just simply wasn't on that page
and there was nothing that I could do to change that.
(14:04):
If he doesn't want a relationship with you, you're wasting
your time. And I said this in another video of mine,
where anytime a guy says he's not ready for a relationship,
the with you is silent. Yes, it means he's not
ready for a relationship right now with you, because he
will go the next day and lock eyes with someone
(14:26):
and just there's just this instant connection because sometimes energy
is just that, you know, magnetic, and it just draws
you to that individual and you just don't know why.
And guys do this a lot where they'll be wasting
your time for eight years and they'll will meet a
check within a month and just know I want to
marry her. Come on, how does that happen? How come
it took you eight years to hmm, well sort of
(14:49):
kind of not sure. We keep trying, and I just
don't understand what it's not going to work if someone
can't make that decision in at least three months. Yeah,
you thought I was gonna say a year, didn't you?
You thought no, three months. That's how long it takes
to typically kind of get the gist of knowing someone.
I'm not saying no them completely because that takes a
(15:11):
lot longer obviously realistically, but in terms of compatibility that
will give you a you know, a rough estimate of
whether or not you're combouble. And then also in addition
to that, there are people sometimes that we may be
compatible with, but they're not compatible with us. And I
know you're like, that doesn't make sense. And there was
an analogy that I saw that I think this psychologist
(15:34):
named Spirit talked about and she gave the you know,
analogy of think about a square and a circle. So
if let's say you're in your boyfriend is a square
or the guy you're interested in is a square, and
you're the circle, no matter what you do, those four
corners are not going to be fulfilled. So to you,
you could feel like, I love this relationship, this is
(15:55):
a great relationship. But to the guy, it's you know,
who's the square. He just still feels like there are
certain needs that are unmet And no matter how much
you expand the circle, those four corners are still not
going to be touched because no matter what you do
to it, no matter how many times you try to reroute,
it's still not going to fit. What can you do?
(16:15):
It doesn't really take that long for guys to make
a decision on whether or not they actually want to
be with you. I actually am learning that the older
that I become, it does not take that long. And
it just brings me back to this. You are either
being played with or planned with, and there are many
variations of being played Lastly, number five, making excuses for
(16:35):
men no more. This is very, very very popular. This
is what we do when we're trying to cope with rejection,
or we don't realize that we are lowering our standards
so that we meet him where he is, so that
we can feel like this person is fulfilling our needs
more when in fact he just sucks. Yes, he just
(16:58):
sucks like it is what it is. And a lot
of times we do this because it is a form
of coping and it's unfathomable to us the situations that
we find ourselves in. Sometimes you know, it's like the
common sense has left and we need a swift return.
When you like someone, you do have feelings for them
and a desire to bond with that individual. Now, bonding
(17:19):
for women is not solely going to be sexual bonding.
For men, that's a part of bonding from their perspective. However,
if that was really the case, they're surely bonding with
a lot of people. It's nasty. They're bonding with a
lot of different people. So think about that. If a
guy is capable of having these bonds like you know,
(17:41):
like a tree branch, just like reaching out to everyone
all across you know, the country. And we as women
operate differently. Where we need quality time spent with an
individual and really just learning more about them. We unleash,
you know, that curiosity quite soon, and unfortunately, this is
where our judgment gets clouded because of the fact that
(18:02):
when we like someone, we want to bond with them
and we want to spend more time with them, and
this is passive reciprocation at its finest. If you're always
going to be making excuses for why he didn't text you,
why he planned a date and didn't even speak to
you on the day of the date, why he is
always changing his schedule, saying that he wants to meet
(18:23):
you at an appropriate hour, but then magically it always
ends up being after ten pm. Never wants to take
you out to dinner or anything. He's always exhausted and
wants you to just come by his house after work.
All of these things, and you like this guy, so
you're making up excuses. Well, he did tell me he
was busy. I mean, at least he communicated to me
that he's busy. And it's like, guys really make time
(18:45):
for anything that they want, anything that they want. People
make time for what they really actually want. Men get
with who they can and women get with who they want.
So if you're going to be making excuses for him
and making it's so easy to fit into his schedule,
then he's going to think, O perfect, Wow. Anytime I
hit her up, she's going to answer, she's gonna come over,
(19:07):
she's gonna do this, she's gonna do that. And I
don't even have to do anything. There's really not much
to invest in this situation. It's so easy. Why would
a guy shut that option down? Exactly. Men are only
as faithful as their options most of the time, a
lot of the time. So stop assuming that these guys
don't realize how inappropriate their behavior is or was, or
(19:28):
how much they hurt your feelings. They are well aware,
trust me, they are well aware of what it is
that they're doing. They're probably just banking on you not
mentioning it you're feeling uncomfortable to mention it, or maybe
not being able to mention it at all because well,
you're probably not in a relationship with him anyway. The
only time that you actually do have the right to
(19:50):
say something in that regard is when that person can
be held accountable by being your boyfriend more than likely.
And if you genuinely believe that but they don't recognize
what it is that they're doing, then you have no
business trying to be in a relationship or in an
adult relationship dynamic with them. If you genuinely believe all
(20:11):
these excuses that he that he has, why is it
that you're always accommodating yourself for this one individual. This
is why I say keep a roster, because that way
you can't put pressure on one individual to act a
certain way. And I know we always like one guy
more than everybody else, but it's just a safety net
so that you can just sort of when things get
(20:32):
a little sticky and you get a little attached prematurely,
you can maneuver your way, you know, and wiggle your
way out of that sort of, you know, situation, because
you know, ultimately, if it's always one person that you're
going to be, you know, talking to, you're going to
get distracted and it's going to feel like a relationship,
(20:53):
because what are relationships stereotypically monogamous? Okay, they are monogamous.
And if you're going to enter into that being monogamous
with someone that you don't even know what it is
that they're doing, nine times out of ten, every single
person that you're talking to, especially in the beginning, it's
talking to someone else. I promise you there usually is.
I've never seen an instance where that has not been
(21:15):
the case, unless if I was in high school, where
now you know me being in my twenties, it's like
more than likely that guy is talking to someone else.
So in conclusion, let's just be real. If you find
yourself having to get crafty arts and crafts, you are
playing a game, whether you realize it or not, and
the game will begin. The games will be played. Trust me,
(21:37):
no matter how many times that you try to manipulate
the outcome, you will keep hitting the same wall. Because
think about a time where someone has liked you and
you didn't feel the same. It doesn't matter what this
person does, come hell or high water, you are just
your feelings are not going to change. And you know,
the older I become, I realized if I always have
to strike up a conversation with this person. I have
to text them first, or I have I have to
(22:00):
get crafty so that they can remember me or notice
me or miss me. I have to hold my tongue
because I'm not really sure if I could say this
or that, because I don't know what his reaction is
gonna be. I don't want it. I don't want who
doesn't want me? I don't. I genuinely don't. And it's
a very freeing reality to accept because it's very clear
(22:23):
to me. It's very evident. Now. Some of us like
playing games because we just like playing games. And the
older you are, the better you do get at it,
especially as a woman. But you know, staying on track
here and you know, stereotypically speaking, generalizing, you have to
understand and accept people where they are romantically. Don't try
to stick around because you're hoping it's going to change,
and proving yourself doing all this stuff. It will not work.
(22:46):
I've seen so many situations of guys that have been
with girls, playing up and down with their feelings for
years and years and years and years and years on end,
and you still don't get the guy. What are you doing.
It's embarrassing. Now you got to move on, you really
do you turn around? You're thirty five and you've been
with the same person for twelve years. No ring is
(23:08):
in sight, and it's not coming. It's just not assess
your situation, be realistic and what it is that you
can actually get. So I understand that it feels good
to hang out with this guy, and it feels good
to just text him and just see if he's going
to respond to you. It feels good. I understand that.
But you need to be mature and understanding the evidence
that is presented in front of you, because a lot
of the times, the easiest answer is always the right one.
(23:30):
If we feel confused, any confusion at all, it's because
something is up. You know, a lot of the times
guys they get uncomfortable and sort of have that energy
around them of uncomfortability, and it's going to make you
uncomfortable as well, because they don't feel like they should
be defending something that they don't want to, you know,
simply defend, Oh, where we are you on Thursday? I'm sorry?
(23:52):
Like are you my girlfriend? Like? Why? Oh so I
can't ask you where you were on Thursday? But you
can hit me up on fry expecting me to come
over and get naked, and how make it makes sense?
What am I gaining here? What are you offering? Like,
I really don't understand. I just don't do it. I
don't even I can go on and on. Just don't
(24:13):
do it. We spend way too much time being confused,
way too much time. I'm speaking from experience, way too
much time. It's been two weeks, fourteen days. This guy
texted you two weeks ago and said he wants to
see you soon. It's been fourteen days, so seeing me
soon means fourteen days of not speaking already. We're off
to a bad start because you and I don't define
(24:33):
things nearly in a similar way to me. Soon meant
this week, maybe two or three days for you, two
weeks and I have to strike up a conversation. I'm
not stupid, Okay, you are not stupid, and men wonder
why we get so crafty. Anyway, at the end of
the day, like I said, make sure that you have
(24:56):
a roster so that you can avoid these types of
situations that we tend to put ourselves in when we
like a guy, and guys seem to have a huge
cognitive dissonance. For why women get like this, it's because
you have to consider what you did to warrant this reaction.
You cannot. This is just how women are. This is
just how women function, just like how guys function by
(25:17):
you know, digging their bones whatever they can. This is
just how we are. If we're going to be with someone,
we genuinely want to be with them. And for men,
they don't really understand still the fact that one, there
are so many different types of women these days. You
don't have to lie to get into a girl's pants,
and more than likely, if you find yourself doing that,
it's because you know that in an ordinary circumstance she
(25:37):
wouldn't accept what it is that you're offering. But on
the contrary, a lot of us accept the terms with
the you know, these guys because we're hoping that we
can change it anyway. So to me, it's like, why lie,
Why lie about what it is? Why not just be
extremely upfront. I will never understand that. I will never
understand why there isn't just full transparency. That's just me
and I want to be clear. I always encourage growth
(26:00):
on this channel, but I know you guys message me
plenty of times with not asking for advice on how
to leave, but it's always asking for advice on how
to stay. Or you want me to offer you more
options and give you reasons to stay in your situation.
And I get it, but you have to understand that
in service of getting your hopes up and getting your
feelings hurt, it's not worth it positioning yourself to force
(26:22):
someone to care. Oh, it's just not worth it. They're
like they're never going and making someone want to care
more will actually do the exact opposite. It's actually going
to make them care less, considerably less. All the things
that I mentioned many of us are guilty of, and
we don't realize that when we do these things and
we find ourselves getting crafty, we have a lot of
(26:43):
time for the games the younger that we are, even
in our twenties, But the older that you become, you
don't have time for all of these tricks and games
with these guys. You just don't have the time. Let's
just be fair. If you are over the age of
twenty five, have the understanding that you need to assess
your situation as is, come up with a realistic result,
and not try to get crafty and try to evoke
(27:05):
certain emotions out of you know, this guy, when it's
very clear here that he is not on the same
path as you at this current moment. If you find
yourself having to do any of these things, you've officially
signed up for the games and you're going to get
played or play yourself. And always remember that trying to,
you know, evoke emotion and communication out of an individual
(27:28):
that doesn't care is simply going to be ineffective. So Angels,
that is the end of this video. I hope that
you guys have enjoyed it. Let me know in the
comment section below what other videos you guys would like
to see next. I know we have been enjoying a
lot of topics on discussing personal development, and don't worry,
I have a lot more where that came from. With
(27:49):
that being said, do not forget that I love you
and God loves you, and I will see Angels in
my next video.
So I attempted to ghoste you you didn't notice. Hey
I exist. Are you well? First of all, raise your
hand if you needed this video right now, just from
the title alone. As a matter of fact, thumbs up
(00:21):
this video. If you needed to see this right now,
you know, I really feel like this is a timely topic.
Aside from real life inspiration, I actually saw this quote
that said that if you have to cut someone off
in order to provoke them into wanting you or even
demonstrating basic empathy, it is time to opt out. Because
(00:42):
let's be real here. Okay, how many times have we
manipulated a situation to get a fixed outcome or warrant
a certain reaction out of a man before we jump
into these tips? Ah hah, Yeah, you're itching and scratch
because you want to hear it. Uh uh uh, slay
your roll. You better subscribe because I'm not anymore. I'm
not doing this anymore. Subscribe if you haven't already, be
(01:04):
sure to follow me on Instagram. That'll be over here.
Make sure that you are subscribed to my mailing list.
I have really really exciting news on the way for
you guys. A lot of amazing projects coming up soon
that is the best way to stay up to date
and know what's going on with me before it hits
this channel. I also have a monthly newsletter which will
(01:26):
be coming out as well. And the Quality Queen comment
of the day is, hey, Asha, I started watching your
videos about a year ago when I was getting out
of and over a toxic relationship. You have helped me
so much grow as a woman. Recently, I started focusing
less on dating boys and more on improving myself and
my personal development. I love that you started covering these
(01:48):
topics more on your channel. The timing is perfect. You
are literally an inspiration. Ps. I love your makeup in
this video. Oh thank you so much. And yes, I
really do think it's important to have that balance of
knowing when to focus on yourself. Sometimes people like to
circle the drain over and over again, and they are
going insane for a reason. Because you can't keep trying
(02:12):
to escape the lessons that you are supposed to learn
by repeating the same patterns and dealing with the same people.
You have to know when to just actually take the
time to work on yourself and not be a serial monogamist.
And let's get on into this video, so we all
have toxic traits. To be honest, let's acknowledge that rule
(02:34):
of them. And like I said before, we've all have
been guilty of manipulating a certain situation in order to
get a desired outcome. We've all tried different tactics to
cope with rejection or coping with something that we didn't
really like. So, in the spirit of self awareness and
soul work in service of becoming the quality queen that
(02:56):
I know that you are, let's reveal them. Shall we
passive recifocation? Five ways we soothe our ego to cope
with rejection. Number one eliciting responses. Come on, let's be
transparent here. Okay, this is not a video where we're gonna,
you know, play nice tough love today. We've all been
there where we texted a guy we really like because
(03:17):
he's not texting us back, and we assume or we
think that him answering us means that he cares, or
we buy the story of he was too busy, so
we feel inclined to refresh his memory. Hey, I exist,
I'm here. Where have you gone? I'm devastated. Now this
(03:40):
is where it gets tricky. This is a sure way
to getting breadcrumbed where you attempt to get certain responses
on multiple platforms, like responding to a meme or even
sending him a meme, or he actually only responds to
you on social media. He ignores your text, but then
(04:00):
response to your story or looks at your story. That's
essentially where breadcrumbing is. This is a sure way to
get into both a situationship and also a sure way
to be breadcrumbed. That's an example of how you get
into a situationship where you are engaging in passive reciprocation
number two pretending to ghost. Okay, ladies, the gig is up.
(04:23):
So we probably do this a lot more now than
we used to, like in life, because now that we
are a little bit onto the game, the rules have
changed and this is more second nature to men. However,
you have to understand that you cannot use this as
leverage to get a guide back. Yes, exactly what I
just said, because I promise you that's when all the
(04:44):
games will begin. Because in all actuality, disappearing isn't necessarily
a grand act of courage. It's something that we do
when we are not as emotionally mature, or we are
emotionally unavailable. So that's why a lot of the times
guys when they do things like this, being that they
are not usually in touch with their emotions first, like
(05:06):
women are. They do things like ghosts and all these
different disappearing acts and popping up again from the dead.
But as women, we most likely ghost a guy because
we assume that it's gonna make him want us. Or
are we just ghosts in general because we simply weren't
interested guilty anyway, Only ghosts if you are genuinely going
(05:30):
to leave that person. I mean seriously, Only ghosts if
you genuinely have zero intentions of coming back. Because it
sounds like a good idea, but I promise you it's
not effective. Think about why you're in a position in
the first place to feel compelled to warrant that reaction.
And in all actuality, he may not even care enough
(05:50):
to even notice what it is that you're doing anyways,
and that's even more hurtful. Like when you're you can
try to like stick it to them and it's like ah,
and they just they need to really get it. They Okay,
so I attempted to ghost you, you didn't notice. I
am literally disintegrating on a molecular level. I'm that embarrassed.
(06:11):
If the only way that you can get this guy
to care about you or feel like he cares about
you by cutting him off or pretending to disappear for
a while in hopes that it will trigger some sort
of remorse or maybe in turn make him want to
change or finally give you the relationship that you wanted
by him realizing what he missed. You're not going to
(06:32):
get it this way. I hate to be the bar
of bad news, but it's true, and as easy as
it is to say, way easier said than done. Try
your best to not get into the habit of forcing
favorable outcomes because it's all fun in games. Until you
realize that you're circling the drain and you're hitting the
same wall over and over again, you're not making any progress.
(06:56):
If you are going to actually go ghosts, you actually
have to go for men. They are not wired in
the way that they're going to think, Oh my god,
no way, I can't believe I let this girl go.
It doesn't happen, I'm sure. Okay, but for the majority,
he might not even realize you go. Some might not
even bother to contact you, or he might swing back
(07:17):
around a couple months later, Hey, what happened to you?
I kind of just thought you didn't want to talk
And it's like, okay, so you thought I didn't want
to talk to you. You didn't find it weird that
I haven't spoken to you in like four months? Are
you well anyway? Number three attempting to be just friends?
Oh so naive. I've been there, so I'm not even
(07:40):
I'm not even coming at any like that. But listen,
don't try to just be friends with someone because you
absolutely know that they don't want anything more with you.
This is a way to cope with rejection because you
are still soothing your ego by having this individual around,
but you are trying to make it seem like, oh, yeah,
we're just friends. I'm just gonna be friends with him
(08:01):
because I don't even run a relationship anyway. But that's
only because you already know he doesn't want a relationship
with you. I caught you, so essentially it might feel
like a win win, like, yes, I get to be
his friend, and then maybe if we just stay friends,
he's gonna end up falling in love with me and
realize that I'm just so amazing and then he'll just
realize that he doesn't want to just be my friend.
(08:23):
Guys are very perfectly capable of sleeping with their friends.
They do it all the time. In fact, you're probably
the friend he's sleeping with right now. Guys do things
like this all the time. Why do you think there
are a thousand situationships in the world. Why do you
think there are so many friends of benefits in the world,
Because genuinely, guys do sleep with their friends women don't.
(08:43):
We think we do, but we really don't. And if
we're if we are engaging in that type of dynamic,
it's probably because we accepted the fact that it's never
going to be anything more and we're kind of place
holding someone until we meet who we really want to
be with. There are so many it's very multifaceted, so
you never really know what an individual circumstance is. But
I'm guaranteeing you under the age of twenty five, for you,
(09:06):
that's not really the case. More than likely you cannot
handle a dynamic like that even after twenty five. Nobody
really wants to be just friends with somebody that they
are giving their body to, you know, it's just it's
just it's something cookie crumbled. And even if you think
you're okay with the dynamic like that, you're still gonna
want added benefits that sort of align with being in
(09:28):
a relationship. So you may actually think, you know, I
genuinely am not in a position right now where I
want to be in a relationship. And I have this,
you know, a great chemistry with this individual, and so
I don't really see why not. Plus like I already
know him, you know, we've been here already. But then
you're going to want certain things, like you want to
hang out with him, you know, during the week or
(09:49):
like on the weekends, and you're finding that you are
missing that emotional component which a lot of us do need.
And then when you turn around and you realize, oh darn,
I don't really only want to come over at you know,
ten at night, and then I'm literally out of your
house at four am, like, no, I don't want to
(10:11):
do that anymore. And I understand that usually when people
decide that they just want to be your friend, they
mean it. I feel like guys, more than women, have
the capability to look at a woman and know, okay,
this girl is you know, special, doesn't mean they still
won't test you and try to, you know, be basic
with you, but they just know it's an energy that
(10:33):
you embody that they just know you're different. They know
that they probably really do like you and that it
could go beyond what they may have wanted. But they
also have the capability of knowing when I have zero
interest in ever being anything with this you know woman,
And that also depends on whether or not they are
(10:53):
emotionally available. But just know that guys know there is
no timeline when it comes to men. I don't know.
We got to really get that out of our heads
because why is there no timeline when it comes to
MHAs you want to live with me? But when it
comes to anything more serious, we got to wait to
have a conversation. But we didn't have to wait for
(11:14):
you to see me naked. Huh. We have to wait
to have a conversation about what we're doing. But you
want to see me naked? Are you? Well? You need
to get checked out. I'm concerned if you have to
get crafty and cunning manipulative just so that this guy
(11:36):
will stick around, it won't work. Trust and believe me,
you will continue that same pattern in dynamic throughout the
entire situationship, because I can assure you it will never
be an actual relationship. Number four, bending over backwards, always
being super available, bending your schedule around him so that
(11:57):
you don't miss a chance to hang out with him.
And by you doing this and waiting on his beck
and call, essentially you're hoping, oh, he'll see that I'm really,
you know, an amazing girl, and I'm very nice, and
I'm very domestic, Kate, I can't talk, and I'm very domesticated,
and you know what you probably are, But you have
(12:18):
to learn to play your role. You cannot give wifey treatment.
You're cooking, you're cleaning, you're offering everything because you do
like him. And naturally, as women, we are nurturers, so
we are more inclined to, you know, show this nurturing
side of ourselves and kind of you know, take care
of things. It's what we do. But the only thing
(12:39):
that he's benefiting from is your lack of boundaries. You
know how many times we've all been there where we
want to just show a guy all that we have
to offer. We're great cooks, we clean very well, we
keep ourselves together. They're great qualities to have However, everyone
doesn't deserve the chance to see you know that side
(12:59):
of your because half of the time they don't even
really care. I mean, I'm not saying be a slob
or whatever, but the right guy is going to have
the understanding that you may possess those qualities already, and
he understands that he has to earn the right for
you to unleash those things. We do a lot of
(13:20):
these things, We do too much for the wrong people.
I've been there before. I remember one time I dated
this guy and I was thinking, let me just show
him what a great person I am, because he seems
rather jaded. That hasn't changed, and I realized that no
matter how much I'm trying to be as emotionally available
as humanly possible, this person is not opening up. They
(13:42):
still are just very superficial surfacy, and I wasn't getting anywhere,
and me feeling bad and expressing myself emotionally or even
trying to be very helpful, it didn't really go anywhere
because this person and just simply wasn't on that page
and there was nothing that I could do to change that.
(14:04):
If he doesn't want a relationship with you, you're wasting
your time. And I said this in another video of mine,
where anytime a guy says he's not ready for a relationship,
the with you is silent. Yes, it means he's not
ready for a relationship right now with you, because he
will go the next day and lock eyes with someone
(14:26):
and just there's just this instant connection because sometimes energy
is just that, you know, magnetic, and it just draws
you to that individual and you just don't know why.
And guys do this a lot where they'll be wasting
your time for eight years and they'll will meet a
check within a month and just know I want to
marry her. Come on, how does that happen? How come
it took you eight years to hmm, well sort of
(14:49):
kind of not sure. We keep trying, and I just
don't understand what it's not going to work if someone
can't make that decision in at least three months. Yeah,
you thought I was gonna say a year, didn't you?
You thought no, three months. That's how long it takes
to typically kind of get the gist of knowing someone.
I'm not saying no them completely because that takes a
(15:11):
lot longer obviously realistically, but in terms of compatibility that
will give you a you know, a rough estimate of
whether or not you're combouble. And then also in addition
to that, there are people sometimes that we may be
compatible with, but they're not compatible with us. And I
know you're like, that doesn't make sense. And there was
an analogy that I saw that I think this psychologist
(15:34):
named Spirit talked about and she gave the you know,
analogy of think about a square and a circle. So
if let's say you're in your boyfriend is a square
or the guy you're interested in is a square, and
you're the circle, no matter what you do, those four
corners are not going to be fulfilled. So to you,
you could feel like, I love this relationship, this is
(15:55):
a great relationship. But to the guy, it's you know,
who's the square. He just still feels like there are
certain needs that are unmet And no matter how much
you expand the circle, those four corners are still not
going to be touched because no matter what you do
to it, no matter how many times you try to reroute,
it's still not going to fit. What can you do?
(16:15):
It doesn't really take that long for guys to make
a decision on whether or not they actually want to
be with you. I actually am learning that the older
that I become, it does not take that long. And
it just brings me back to this. You are either
being played with or planned with, and there are many
variations of being played Lastly, number five, making excuses for
(16:35):
men no more. This is very, very very popular. This
is what we do when we're trying to cope with rejection,
or we don't realize that we are lowering our standards
so that we meet him where he is, so that
we can feel like this person is fulfilling our needs
more when in fact he just sucks. Yes, he just
(16:58):
sucks like it is what it is. And a lot
of times we do this because it is a form
of coping and it's unfathomable to us the situations that
we find ourselves in. Sometimes you know, it's like the
common sense has left and we need a swift return.
When you like someone, you do have feelings for them
and a desire to bond with that individual. Now, bonding
(17:19):
for women is not solely going to be sexual bonding.
For men, that's a part of bonding from their perspective. However,
if that was really the case, they're surely bonding with
a lot of people. It's nasty. They're bonding with a
lot of different people. So think about that. If a
guy is capable of having these bonds like you know,
(17:41):
like a tree branch, just like reaching out to everyone
all across you know, the country. And we as women
operate differently. Where we need quality time spent with an
individual and really just learning more about them. We unleash,
you know, that curiosity quite soon, and unfortunately, this is
where our judgment gets clouded because of the fact that
(18:02):
when we like someone, we want to bond with them
and we want to spend more time with them, and
this is passive reciprocation at its finest. If you're always
going to be making excuses for why he didn't text you,
why he planned a date and didn't even speak to
you on the day of the date, why he is
always changing his schedule, saying that he wants to meet
(18:23):
you at an appropriate hour, but then magically it always
ends up being after ten pm. Never wants to take
you out to dinner or anything. He's always exhausted and
wants you to just come by his house after work.
All of these things, and you like this guy, so
you're making up excuses. Well, he did tell me he
was busy. I mean, at least he communicated to me
that he's busy. And it's like, guys really make time
(18:45):
for anything that they want, anything that they want. People
make time for what they really actually want. Men get
with who they can and women get with who they want.
So if you're going to be making excuses for him
and making it's so easy to fit into his schedule,
then he's going to think, O perfect, Wow. Anytime I
hit her up, she's going to answer, she's gonna come over,
(19:07):
she's gonna do this, she's gonna do that. And I
don't even have to do anything. There's really not much
to invest in this situation. It's so easy. Why would
a guy shut that option down? Exactly. Men are only
as faithful as their options most of the time, a
lot of the time. So stop assuming that these guys
don't realize how inappropriate their behavior is or was, or
(19:28):
how much they hurt your feelings. They are well aware,
trust me, they are well aware of what it is
that they're doing. They're probably just banking on you not
mentioning it you're feeling uncomfortable to mention it, or maybe
not being able to mention it at all because well,
you're probably not in a relationship with him anyway. The
only time that you actually do have the right to
(19:50):
say something in that regard is when that person can
be held accountable by being your boyfriend more than likely.
And if you genuinely believe that but they don't recognize
what it is that they're doing, then you have no
business trying to be in a relationship or in an
adult relationship dynamic with them. If you genuinely believe all
(20:11):
these excuses that he that he has, why is it
that you're always accommodating yourself for this one individual. This
is why I say keep a roster, because that way
you can't put pressure on one individual to act a
certain way. And I know we always like one guy
more than everybody else, but it's just a safety net
so that you can just sort of when things get
(20:32):
a little sticky and you get a little attached prematurely,
you can maneuver your way, you know, and wiggle your
way out of that sort of, you know, situation, because
you know, ultimately, if it's always one person that you're
going to be, you know, talking to, you're going to
get distracted and it's going to feel like a relationship,
(20:53):
because what are relationships stereotypically monogamous? Okay, they are monogamous.
And if you're going to enter into that being monogamous
with someone that you don't even know what it is
that they're doing, nine times out of ten, every single
person that you're talking to, especially in the beginning, it's
talking to someone else. I promise you there usually is.
I've never seen an instance where that has not been
(21:15):
the case, unless if I was in high school, where
now you know me being in my twenties, it's like
more than likely that guy is talking to someone else.
So in conclusion, let's just be real. If you find
yourself having to get crafty arts and crafts, you are
playing a game, whether you realize it or not, and
the game will begin. The games will be played. Trust me,
(21:37):
no matter how many times that you try to manipulate
the outcome, you will keep hitting the same wall. Because
think about a time where someone has liked you and
you didn't feel the same. It doesn't matter what this
person does, come hell or high water, you are just
your feelings are not going to change. And you know,
the older I become, I realized if I always have
to strike up a conversation with this person. I have
to text them first, or I have I have to
(22:00):
get crafty so that they can remember me or notice
me or miss me. I have to hold my tongue
because I'm not really sure if I could say this
or that, because I don't know what his reaction is
gonna be. I don't want it. I don't want who
doesn't want me? I don't. I genuinely don't. And it's
a very freeing reality to accept because it's very clear
(22:23):
to me. It's very evident. Now. Some of us like
playing games because we just like playing games. And the
older you are, the better you do get at it,
especially as a woman. But you know, staying on track
here and you know, stereotypically speaking, generalizing, you have to
understand and accept people where they are romantically. Don't try
to stick around because you're hoping it's going to change,
and proving yourself doing all this stuff. It will not work.
(22:46):
I've seen so many situations of guys that have been
with girls, playing up and down with their feelings for
years and years and years and years and years on end,
and you still don't get the guy. What are you doing.
It's embarrassing. Now you got to move on, you really
do you turn around? You're thirty five and you've been
with the same person for twelve years. No ring is
(23:08):
in sight, and it's not coming. It's just not assess
your situation, be realistic and what it is that you
can actually get. So I understand that it feels good
to hang out with this guy, and it feels good
to just text him and just see if he's going
to respond to you. It feels good. I understand that.
But you need to be mature and understanding the evidence
that is presented in front of you, because a lot
of the times, the easiest answer is always the right one.
(23:30):
If we feel confused, any confusion at all, it's because
something is up. You know, a lot of the times
guys they get uncomfortable and sort of have that energy
around them of uncomfortability, and it's going to make you
uncomfortable as well, because they don't feel like they should
be defending something that they don't want to, you know,
simply defend, Oh, where we are you on Thursday? I'm sorry?
(23:52):
Like are you my girlfriend? Like? Why? Oh so I
can't ask you where you were on Thursday? But you
can hit me up on fry expecting me to come
over and get naked, and how make it makes sense?
What am I gaining here? What are you offering? Like,
I really don't understand. I just don't do it. I
don't even I can go on and on. Just don't
(24:13):
do it. We spend way too much time being confused,
way too much time. I'm speaking from experience, way too
much time. It's been two weeks, fourteen days. This guy
texted you two weeks ago and said he wants to
see you soon. It's been fourteen days, so seeing me
soon means fourteen days of not speaking already. We're off
to a bad start because you and I don't define
(24:33):
things nearly in a similar way to me. Soon meant
this week, maybe two or three days for you, two
weeks and I have to strike up a conversation. I'm
not stupid, Okay, you are not stupid, and men wonder
why we get so crafty. Anyway, at the end of
the day, like I said, make sure that you have
(24:56):
a roster so that you can avoid these types of
situations that we tend to put ourselves in when we
like a guy, and guys seem to have a huge
cognitive dissonance. For why women get like this, it's because
you have to consider what you did to warrant this reaction.
You cannot. This is just how women are. This is
just how women function, just like how guys function by
(25:17):
you know, digging their bones whatever they can. This is
just how we are. If we're going to be with someone,
we genuinely want to be with them. And for men,
they don't really understand still the fact that one, there
are so many different types of women these days. You
don't have to lie to get into a girl's pants,
and more than likely, if you find yourself doing that,
it's because you know that in an ordinary circumstance she
(25:37):
wouldn't accept what it is that you're offering. But on
the contrary, a lot of us accept the terms with
the you know, these guys because we're hoping that we
can change it anyway. So to me, it's like, why lie,
Why lie about what it is? Why not just be
extremely upfront. I will never understand that. I will never
understand why there isn't just full transparency. That's just me
and I want to be clear. I always encourage growth
(26:00):
on this channel, but I know you guys message me
plenty of times with not asking for advice on how
to leave, but it's always asking for advice on how
to stay. Or you want me to offer you more
options and give you reasons to stay in your situation.
And I get it, but you have to understand that
in service of getting your hopes up and getting your
feelings hurt, it's not worth it positioning yourself to force
(26:22):
someone to care. Oh, it's just not worth it. They're
like they're never going and making someone want to care
more will actually do the exact opposite. It's actually going
to make them care less, considerably less. All the things
that I mentioned many of us are guilty of, and
we don't realize that when we do these things and
we find ourselves getting crafty, we have a lot of
(26:43):
time for the games the younger that we are, even
in our twenties, But the older that you become, you
don't have time for all of these tricks and games
with these guys. You just don't have the time. Let's
just be fair. If you are over the age of
twenty five, have the understanding that you need to assess
your situation as is, come up with a realistic result,
and not try to get crafty and try to evoke
(27:05):
certain emotions out of you know, this guy, when it's
very clear here that he is not on the same
path as you at this current moment. If you find
yourself having to do any of these things, you've officially
signed up for the games and you're going to get
played or play yourself. And always remember that trying to,
you know, evoke emotion and communication out of an individual
(27:28):
that doesn't care is simply going to be ineffective. So Angels,
that is the end of this video. I hope that
you guys have enjoyed it. Let me know in the
comment section below what other videos you guys would like
to see next. I know we have been enjoying a
lot of topics on discussing personal development, and don't worry,
I have a lot more where that came from. With
(27:49):
that being said, do not forget that I love you
and God loves you, and I will see Angels in
my next video.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Ruthie's Table 4
For more than 30 years The River Cafe in London, has been the home-from-home of artists, architects, designers, actors, collectors, writers, activists, and politicians. Michael Caine, Glenn Close, JJ Abrams, Steve McQueen, Victoria and David Beckham, and Lily Allen, are just some of the people who love to call The River Cafe home. On River Cafe Table 4, Rogers sits down with her customers—who have become friends—to talk about food memories. Table 4 explores how food impacts every aspect of our lives. “Foods is politics, food is cultural, food is how you express love, food is about your heritage, it defines who you and who you want to be,” says Rogers. Each week, Rogers invites her guest to reminisce about family suppers and first dates, what they cook, how they eat when performing, the restaurants they choose, and what food they seek when they need comfort. And to punctuate each episode of Table 4, guests such as Ralph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, and Alfonso Cuarón, read their favourite recipe from one of the best-selling River Cafe cookbooks. Table 4 itself, is situated near The River Cafe’s open kitchen, close to the bright pink wood-fired oven and next to the glossy yellow pass, where Ruthie oversees the restaurant. You are invited to take a seat at this intimate table and join the conversation. For more information, recipes, and ingredients, go to https://shoptherivercafe.co.uk/ Web: https://rivercafe.co.uk/ Instagram: www.instagram.com/therivercafelondon/ Facebook: https://en-gb.facebook.com/therivercafelondon/ For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iheartradio app, apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.