February 13, 2026 • 41 mins
Are you dimming your light because it feels "safer"?
In this powerful episode of Quality Queen Control, Asha Christina confronts why playing small is blocking your blessings, how fear disguised as humility, limiting beliefs, self-sabotage, and shrinking back from your gifts quietly sabotage the abundance, purpose, and breakthroughs God has prepared for you.
Blending biblical truth (like hiding your talent in the ground or being a light on a hill), psychology on fear-based patterns, and real-life revelation, Asha reveals the signs you're playing small: settling in relationships, careers, or calling; avoiding risks; people-pleasing over purpose.
Learn to break free from false humility, release the fear of shining, reclaim your God-given power, raise your standards, and boldly step into the high-value, abundant life you're destined for no more blocking the flow!This is your divine invitation to stop playing small.
Your blessings aren't delayed sometimes they're just waiting for you to stop hiding. Shine unapologetically; the world (and heaven) needs your full light!
In this powerful episode of Quality Queen Control, Asha Christina confronts why playing small is blocking your blessings, how fear disguised as humility, limiting beliefs, self-sabotage, and shrinking back from your gifts quietly sabotage the abundance, purpose, and breakthroughs God has prepared for you.
Blending biblical truth (like hiding your talent in the ground or being a light on a hill), psychology on fear-based patterns, and real-life revelation, Asha reveals the signs you're playing small: settling in relationships, careers, or calling; avoiding risks; people-pleasing over purpose.
Learn to break free from false humility, release the fear of shining, reclaim your God-given power, raise your standards, and boldly step into the high-value, abundant life you're destined for no more blocking the flow!This is your divine invitation to stop playing small.
Your blessings aren't delayed sometimes they're just waiting for you to stop hiding. Shine unapologetically; the world (and heaven) needs your full light!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Shrinking yourself is not humility.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
It is actually fear that's dressed up as peace. I
just want to keep the peace, like I don't want to,
you know what I mean. But you know that it
bothers you. Why do we actually do these things? Is
the question?
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Right, Let's get a little bit deep here.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Hey babe, it's Asia Christina.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
This is quality Queen Control. What is happening?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hello, my beautiful angels, welcome back to another episode. Do
we love the look guys today? I don't know, just
came up with it on the fly. Honestly, the older
that I am becoming, my fashion sense is getting absolutely incredible.
It's outrageous. Like I don't know what's happening, but thank
you Lord. Nothing really new to update you guys on
(00:52):
other than you better hype this video. Hype this video
so that YouTube knows that we are here. Quality queens
are in the building. If you're a part of the
A team, why wouldn't you do it? It just makes sense,
you know. So today I want to talk about something
about why playing small can be blocking your blessings. And
this honestly goes across the board, but especially of course,
(01:13):
as it pertains to your romantic dynamics. You know, at
some point in my life I realized in general, the
more that I shrank, honestly, the more invisible I simply became.
And let's just even say, in some romantic dynamics, if
you're not being chosen, you are simply being tolerated. And
(01:34):
you never want to fall in the category of passive reciprocity, right,
So this is just simply going to be a little
conversation that we're going to have for women like us
that are actually self aware, okay, healing, you know you
want to heal, you are also ambitious at the same time.
(01:57):
This is not about bashing anyone, men or anything. It's
honestly about self betrayal, all right, and personal development as well.
So this is basically why you may feel that your
life cannot expand. And it's probably because you are constantly
editing yourself that you become acceptable. And there have been
(02:19):
times in my life and I think that this directly
corresponds to people pleasing. When you are a people pleaser,
as soon as you hear some sort of feedback from someone,
you almost value everyone's opinion of you because you care
about your perception of people, which is not a negative
concept to have on a surface level, right, you want
(02:40):
to be someone that people you know kind of like
the ones that matter, I mean, not everyone. However, when
you're a people pleaser, you tend to edit yourself with
anyone's feedback, criticism, criticism clothed as feedback, et cetera, et cetera.
And you're just turning yourself into a chameleon to try
(03:02):
and adapt to what makes everyone feel acceptable, that you're acceptable, palatable,
all of the things. But what you're not realizing is
you are turning into a bunch of different versions of
what these people want you to be, and you're actually
betraying yourself. What does shrinking actually look like, well, simply
(03:22):
saying that things are fine when it's not. We all
do this. We all do this. We do this for
so many reasons. We do this because we don't want
to be a burden to people. We don't want to
make things seem like it's too much, or in a
romantic dynamic, especially, you don't want to feel like you're
being annoying, you're being a nag. The gag is some
(03:42):
of you actually really are a nag. But anyways, that's
neither here nor there, but you say you're fine when
you're not because you always want people to think that
you're okay. It's honestly something we all do in life,
especially when the actual answer sometimes is a ten minute
popodcast and you don't feel like getting into it at
(04:02):
the moment. You know, shrinking also can look like lowering
your standards that you can avoid conflicts. Well, this is
just as good as it's going to.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Get for me right now.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
I don't really want to ruffle any feathers like this
is just what I'm putting up with. But let me
tell you something that the psyche must always be heard, okay,
And because the psyche must always be heard, you will
end up if you fall in these categories as someone
that projects onto other people what you know that you
should be doing. So you'll become a person that all
(04:32):
of a sudden, you're talking about what other people are
tolerating in their relationship dynamics. Meanwhile, you're completely blind and
turned a blind eye to the things you tolerate in
your relationship. I actually knew someone like this once upon
a time, where they were so vocal about everyone else's
(04:53):
relationship and what they would never be tolerating from that person,
and it's crazy how they're dating this person and why
they would marry that person and all these different things.
And then when that person ended up in a relationship,
they became a completely different person. They became a mute,
all these different things. Let me tell you something. They
(05:14):
say pets keep you honest, but so do relationships. Relationships
are really going to show everyone, not even just yourself,
if you really are about that life, if you really
are who you think you claim to be. Right, relationships
are going to show us real quick, if you're really
about that life right, not asking for what you need
It is hard. It's hard sometimes to ask for what
(05:36):
you need because you don't want to come across as
a burden. Listen, I am definitely guilty of doing this myself,
where like I don't. I would rather sometimes handle certain
things on my own, depending on who.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
The situation is with. I know that, particularly with friends.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
I don't want to put you know, a lot of
responsibility or anything like that on my friends and stuff
like that, but I just like to I prefer to
do things more by myself. And sometimes, Yeah, you do
have a circle in a community for a reason, and
they are there for you to help you in those
moments where you're gonna need you know, their help. But
(06:13):
when you're not asking for what you need, especially as
it pertains so romantic dynamic, that is a cause for concern.
You should feel comfortable to you know, the person that
you're with you're sharing all these things with, you should
feel comfortable to come to them and ask them for
what you need. You shouldn't be ashamed of that. And
with that being said, corresponding with not asking for what
(06:36):
you need is making yourself easier instead of just being honest. Girl,
you know that that bothers you and you don't want
to do that, but you're.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Yeah, yeah, no, that's fine. Uh No, that's fine, we
can do that.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
This actually reminds me of the whole Taylor Swift thing.
Do you guys remember that whole debacle about And please
correct me in the comments if I'm wrong, but remember
that whole thing with like Kanye saying that, hey, he
called her and contacted her in regards to letting her
know that he wanted her to be a part of
his song, he was going to say what he was
(07:09):
going to say about her. And the thing is I
can hear in Taylor's voice. She was uncomfortable, and sometimes
you have people that are a little bit of a
terrorist to so to speak, like Kanye, where you want
to say what you're going to say, but you're nervous
to vocalize your opinion because you're just so taken aback
(07:29):
that somebody would even approach you with this, so you
tend to just be like, Okay, it's fine. I heard
Taylor's uncomfortability when he was reading her the lyrics, and
she did not want him to produce that song. She
didn't want to be a part of any controversy with
Kanye literally at all. But she just kind of was
(07:49):
like if you even heard her response, she was like,
I mean, you don't care, so like you're going to
do it anyways, right. I think at that point she
kind of arrived at the conclusion of, well, does it
really matter or what I think, because clearly you're calling me,
and if I tell you you know that I don't
feel comfortable with this, then like now it's awkward between us,
maybe because I don't you are coming to me with
(08:12):
all this enthusiasm, like you really feel like this is
a great idea, but there is a people pleasing part
of you that is just like, okay, I will just
deal with the uncomfortable consequences after. But as you grow
in wisdom and you grow older, you should release yourself
of the shackles of people pleasing even think about this, lady.
(08:35):
Is when you go to the nail salon and you
don't like your nails, but you sat there and paid
for your nails when you don't like them. That is
one of the biggest lessons that I've had to learn
in life, is to just start being vocal with any
and everything you know doesn't mean and if that person
is going to take it in offense, and who cares,
(08:56):
I don't like it, I'm done. And of course it's
uncomfortable to do that in certain scenarios, like sometimes when
you're getting your hair done and certain stylists are doing
a certain style and you're like, what actually is this?
And some of them have a nasty attitude, and you
would rather just shut your mouth, But you have to
realize you're sacrificing how you're actually feeling, and you're the
(09:19):
one that's going to have to sit with the consequence after.
So you are betraying yourself because you would rather just
let it be Meanwhile, you're enabling and allowing people like
this to think that you're okay with whatever the circumstances
because you're not speaking up for yourself. I think maybe again,
(09:41):
Taylor in that position could have been like, you know,
this sounds really funny, and honestly, I do appreciate your enthusiasm,
but if I'm being honest, I think considering our past
and everything, it does make me feel a little uncomfortable
to say this specific line. And I totally understand that
(10:01):
it's for it's sat tire and all the things, but
it just makes me uncomfortable in general to kind of,
you know, associate myself with it. I know that might
not be what you want to hear, and it honestly
is uncomfortable for me to vocalize, especially being someone that
is a people pleaser. Like she could have worded it
like that, but again, that takes more life experience and
(10:24):
maturity to be able to word things in that way
so that you can start to let your yes b
yes and your nobi no, just like even with your nails.
Really you can say, like, you know, if you know
as soon as you starts a clock that you don't
like that design, and you don't like that color. I
don't know what it is with certain nail salons. I
don't go to traditional nail salons I get. I'm off
the press off press on life. Guys, Might I add
(10:46):
sidebar like, oh my gosh, my nails got so damaged
from the press on Life. I think it's because me,
like I have very sensitive nails.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
I cannot take care of my nails myself.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Babe, my nail lady, I haven't gone to her since Sember.
I just went back to her literally yesterday. She said,
I am concerned for you your nails, so I get
hard jail manicures. My nail lady is Ukrainian, so I
used to get the Russian manicures, and now I get
hard jail manicure with Ukrainians and they are the best.
(11:19):
Like when I tell you, my nail tech is so
talented and she's so passionate about what she does, like
I actually love her.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
I love the entire salon.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
AnyWho, if you're clocking that you don't like a design
or something like that, just say, wait, I don't really
love that color. Do you think we could do something else?
Like you don't let them get to all ten fingers
and then you're uncomfortable. They're uncomfortable because they just did
all ten of your fingers.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
You know, you don't really like it.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
You just keep staring at it, hoping that they're going
to pick up on the cues. No, you have to
say something. You're gonna have to speak up for yourself.
I'm telling you, or you're just going to continue to
let people walk over you and it's going to come
to a boiling point.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Right.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
You have to speak your mind, because I'm telling you,
while you're doing this, other people are going to be
testing you and trying you. I remember I used to
be friends with a couple people in my life that
just made me so uncomfortable at certain points with the
things that they would say, the things that they would do.
The first time I encountered behavior that made me very uncomfortable,
I didn't respond. I didn't know how to act. I
(12:28):
wasn't really sure what to say because I was just
so stunned that somebody would treat me like that or
say something like that to me.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
And you kind of.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Think in your head, like, oh, if you heard this
story that you would say this to that person, you
would say that, But like you you'd be shocked, you freeze.
You honestly don't know how to respond in certain moments,
especially when you've encountered something for the first time. And
then I encountered that behavior again in another person, and
I very much knew how to navigate it from that point,
(12:57):
and I was able to make a graceful exit because
I knew, Okay, I'm seeing themes of that type of
behavior and yeah, I'm out.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
I'm not dealing with that.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
And you know, I tried vocalizing at one point before
it got to that specific point how I felt, and
I thought everything was fine, but then I had to
make the decision I made. Anyways, I say all that
to say, like making yourself easier to be around just
so that you can keep the peace instead of being
honest is not something that's going to work for you
in your adulthood.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Babe.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but it's not It's not going
to work for you. You have to be honest, and honestly,
life feels better when you are honest. How good does
it feel to know that your friends are actually your friends?
How good does it feel knowing that you can walk
into a room or leave a table and know that
(13:49):
the girls weren't talking about you behind your back as
soon as you got up. How good does it feel
to know that you're showing up as authentically as possible?
You know in a relationship, you're mantic relationship and that
man actually likes all of you. You're not keeping up
a persona in any capacity, so you know, you feel
(14:09):
so confident because he actually knows you, he actually loves
you for you. You're not putting on any You're not
putting on for the put one, if you know what
I mean? All right, or even being chill when you're
actually disappointed.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
That does you no good.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
And people love doing this, especially in romantic dynamics, acting
like things don't bother you when they in fact do.
Then when you blow up, when you get more comfortable
with that person, they're looking.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
At you like, wait, I'm so confused.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
You weren't acting like that the first time this happened
or whatever.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
The case is.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Well, you know what, it actually always bothered me, and
I'm finally just saying something about it now. Yes, there
will probably come a time in your life where you
will encounter a situation like that for the first time,
but there shouldn't be a second, a third, and a
fourth time. Where as you get into new relationships and
new dynamics, that that becomes a theme where you're always
holding on. No, you should have learned from the first
(15:02):
time somebody made you made you feel that way, or
you made somebody feel that way. Okay, this doesn't work.
I'm gonna be honest. I'm gonna address this without feeling like,
oh I just I just didn't want to be annoying.
I just would have know if it bothers you now,
it's going to continue to bother you when you get
locked into any sort of dynamic. Those same issues that
(15:22):
once bothered you exasperate, they don't dissipate. Okay, all right,
Shrinking yourself is not humility. It is actually fear that's
dressed up as peace. I just want to keep the peace,
like I don't want to, you know what I mean.
But you know that it bothers you. Why do we
actually do these things?
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Is the question?
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Right, Let's get a little bit deep here. Well, one,
the fear of abandonment. You also want, and what people
don't realize is these behaviors are unintentionally sometimes manipulative. Right,
you want people to stay around you. So you're just
trying to show up in this capacity so that you
know it keeps the peace. You're not ruffling any feathers,
(16:03):
whatever the case is. But it's going to come to
a boiling point where you're going to explode and you're
not going to want to The real you is going
to want to show up. The real you is going
to arrive. Trust me, you cannot keep on the facade
for long. You can't, all right, Also, wanting to be
chosen more than you want actual alignment, Well, this directly
(16:24):
corresponds to well, honestly, this corresponds to all types of dynamics.
Sometimes you can have a certain friendship that you don't
want to let go of because of the appearance of
what it looks like, and you don't want to make
it seem like you have no friends and that you're
alone and all these different things. So this is why
you would rather or at least this person chooses to
(16:45):
be around me rather than you know what, I don't
care to let this situation go because it's not aligning.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
I don't care. And then, of.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Course, even in relationships, romantic dynamics more than anything, we
see this dynamic being present where you are know, okay, this,
I don't really think that I'm seeing this whole entire
situation through.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
But you would rather go as.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Far as humanly possible because you don't want to start again,
because you don't want to be thirty five and not married.
All your friends are having kids, and this is the
step that you feel like you should have arrived at
in life, and why are you not there yet? So
you would rather have somebody, anybody next to you, And
that's why you've got You've jumped through hoops and you've
(17:27):
done a lot of gymnastics in order to force your
alignment with somebody that you are not aligned with. And
after a while when you were, when you're constantly operating
with those antics, you can't tell what's real and what's
not anymore because you've just done so much legwork that
you don't even know man like did I actually manufacture
(17:49):
this relationship or is this a natural thing?
Speaker 1 (17:52):
You can't tell, and that becomes an issue. Right.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Also, Sometimes being submissive or agreeable, right, is why people
want to do things. People also want to do things
even for sometimes religious conditioning. And that says a lot, right,
Because I am someone that identifies as a Christian. But
sometimes this is the difference between relationship versus religion. There
(18:16):
is a massive difference when you truly have a relationship
with Jesus Christ, right, because God can be anything to anyone.
And I stand ten toes down on that. I believe
in Jesus Christ, meaning Jesus Christ is God for me.
That's what I believe. You will encounter people of all
walks of life that claim right. They're speaking, you know,
(18:38):
Jesus God with their lips, but their hearts are far
from God. And you know, just for the sake of
seeming like they are a certain way, they are trying
to perform within a certain parameter to be agreeable and
docile and all these different things, when they're actually nothing
of the sort. So you're just faking the funk essentially, right.
(18:59):
And then some people have this lie that they believe
that love is pretty much earned through endurance. These are
gonna be the types of woman who genuinely do believe that, oh, well,
we've been together for so long, like going through trauma
equates to we must belong together, going through a lot
(19:21):
of turmoil equates to history and why we should be together.
We've been together for three years. We've been together for
seven years. We've gone through so much. I've taken him
back when he cheated. I've taken him back when he
did this and did that, and he took me back
when I did the And that equates to you as, oh, well,
(19:43):
we've endured all of this. We must we must be
meant to be together. This has to be love because
of all that we've gone through. No, not necessarily, because
at the end of the day, if being chosen is
going to cost you your voice, then that's not love.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
That's called that's what that's called.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
And if every time you're having to have a conversation
over and over again about uh, it's like you're hitting
reset on your relationship were you're always having to have like, uh,
this communication issue, and you're always having a conversation about
being real And you think every step you make, Okay, finally,
I think we're gonna be good now because we finally
(20:23):
got that layer done, that layer done, But then the
onion just keeps on peeling. That's a cause for concern,
all right, the cost of shrinking yourself. All right, this
is the wake up call that the cost of shrinking
yourself is gonna come with resentment. You're functioning in this
on a day to day basis, but you're gonna become resentful.
(20:44):
And if you're not gonna identify that you are becoming
resentful in your own dynamic, you are going to start
resenting other people because it's triggering something in you that's missing.
You will also have a loss of identity. We hear
people say it all the time. I lost myself in
that relationship. It can happen because you were performing within
(21:06):
a certain parameter that was not you. You didn't have
a voice right. Also emotional exhaustion. It is exhausting to
be anything other than yourself unless there's some sort of
clinical issue here where there's a scale. You're on the
scale of narcissism to some degree, and you're okay with
trying on a bunch of different identities and performing within
(21:27):
a certain parameter before you dispose of people.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
But for people that are that do not.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Have any sort of clinical diagnosis or issues around that,
you should find it to be exhausting to be anyone
other than yourself. You should want to give up the
charade at some point in your life and approach relationships
from the standpoint of you know what, I don't care
about me being liked by you more than I value
(21:55):
and care about do I like you? Does this align?
And am I able to be one hundred sent myself
around you? Or am I lying to myself and trying
to you know, piece things together to create a beautiful
puzzle thinking that that's you know, this is a beautiful picture.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
But really I created it. I made it.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
It should exhaust you to not truly say how you feel,
because your desires matter more than what the reality of
the situation is.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Also, like I said, your relationships plateauing, babe, it is
a data point if every time you turn around, people
are disappearing from you. It is a data point to
turn around and realize, why do my relationships always get
to a specific point and then things always drastically turn around.
That is not everyone leaves me, everyone just goes all
(22:46):
these different things. No, that is because there's something in
you that is causing these situations, that's attracting these types
of dynamics.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
It's actually a data point.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
In the name of self awareness, you should be able
to sit in that discomfort so that you can let
that be the catalyst of change.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Because you can't change what you don't acknowledge, Babe.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
If you're in denial but reality is saying otherwise, then
I beg to defer.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Also, when you are someone that shrinks yourself, you will
attract partners who actually like to control you. Right, You're
not attracting partnerships, you are attracting control. People are mistaking
your you know, people that mistake your kindness for weakness,
people that are looking for victims that are not going
to speak up for themselves. They're looking for someone that's
(23:33):
just going to put up and shut up and not
say anything. And they think that if you vocalize your opinion,
that's you being disrespectful, that's you talking back, that's all
the things. No, you're allowed to be your own person.
They think that you're supposed to perform within certain parameters.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
That's how they feel.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
The thing is, you're not going to be losing people
when you stop shrinking, right, But you're definitely going to
lose the attachments to things that made you feel like
you're small.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
And that's the thing about me.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
If I'm gonna be transparent with you, guys, I feel
like throughout certain friendship dynamics in my life. There is
duality to myself where yes, I show up online all
these different things. I am a confident person. In my friendships,
I am very very kind, you know, very supportive, and
(24:20):
I would honestly say very like humble, and I have
a lot of humility. And I know that sounds crazy
for me to probably label myself as such, but one
of my best friends just told me this about myself yesterday,
so I'm just repeating it, and I thought that was
really nice and kind. And I think some individuals that
have been in my life in the past they mistake
(24:43):
that humility and my humbleness for genuine weakness, so they
try and test me. And because I don't do people
the way that they do me, I just don't really
care to have the energy to go back and forth
with you and to go total toe with you, and
you know you're doing this to me and then I'm
doing this to you like I'd rather just be done.
(25:05):
And so for some reason, some people they mistake that
as like, oh, she's not playing the game, she's she's
you know, she's out, she you know, she's weak, and
it's like, no, I actually just don't care. But some
people I've also come to learn they do have to
be checked or they're going to continue to try and
test you, and they're going to think that you're enabling
(25:26):
their behavior, whether you realize it or not, because they're
going to think that everything that they're doing is okay.
So by time you finally speak up for yourself, they're
sitting here feeling like, well, you didn't have a problem
me doing this before.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
All these different things.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
It's because some people have never encountered certain personalities like
that before. And also, let's be honest here, let's call
a spade a spade. It's never easy to tell somebody
that you have a problem with like how they're showing up.
It's not easy to tell your friend, hey, you literally
just lied about an event that I was there for
and told the story in a different way, like you
(25:59):
were a history revisionist, and you told it with such
conviction it actually made me feel very uncomfortable. Like, let's
be honest here, that's not lost on us that sometimes
having these tough conversations is really it's so uncomfortable that
you would rather just not even deal with it at all,
And you have to desern whether or not you want
to do that. So a lot of the times you'll
(26:20):
take mental note and say okay, and then you wait
till the next thing happens. The next thing happens just
as egregious as the first thing, and that just becomes
the norm. Next thing you know, you're just taking mental note,
mental note, mental note, until it hits a boiling point
where you're just like, all right, I have just I'm
fed up with this person. But they because you didn't
(26:40):
say anything any of those other times. You didn't even
give a small little clapback that indicates that you have
some grit in you. They're so used to you just
being quiet and docile that they're blindsided by how you've
been feeling. But really, you've been feeling these feelings all along,
but because of that person's personality, it's hard to bring
to their attention. And that person's probably feeling like, well,
(27:03):
if I'm this way, then why don't you say this
to me before all these different things, not realizing well,
it's your personality and how you come across clearly lacking
accountability and awareness that makes someone feel that way.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Some people also.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Could feel that way on their own, but I have
found in my experience a lot of the times, it's
because this behavior goes unchecked. Certain people's behavior goes so
unchecked they're used to performing in a certain way with
all their relationships that it's jarring when someone tells them like, hey,
this absolutely does not work for me, because now to them,
(27:40):
it feels like you're insulting who they are, whatever their
identity is attached to. They feel like you're insulting that.
They're not used to people actually vocalizing how they feel
in a friendship. So it's uncomfortable to sit in that
conflict and to sit in that the adversity of Okay,
where do we stand now that this is out in
(28:02):
the open sort of thing, because it's especially depending on
how the longevity of the relationship, it's almost like, okay,
well where do we stand from here? Where's the dynamic
going to go? But again, in friendships, there is elasticity, flexibility,
Transparency is required, Honesty is also required. But sometimes I
(28:22):
find that people that are very very I hate to
say it, but just like messed up. They don't know
how to perform, how to be a good friend, They
don't know how to be a good partner because they're
cause playing both roles that they cannot hear the truth
about themselves because it will just crack the mask of
who they think that they are. AnyWho, Like I said,
(28:44):
when you are shrinking yourself, you were going to attract
people that like control, and this goes in friendships and whatever.
So this caused me to question was I shrinking myself
in certain dynamics?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
And I absolutely was. That's the truth.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
I was shrinking myself and not standing in my power.
And somehow the line between humility and shrinking got blurred
and really made certain individuals think that I was really
the one to play with. Luckily, lessons have been learned
and I no longer am that way. However, for some reason,
(29:22):
I guess it was, Well, one, you want to showcase like, hey,
like I am a kind person. You also want to
be liked, right, you genuinely do. So it's hard when again,
you come across very strong personalities that are just crass
and strange, and you're just like, I don't even know
(29:42):
how to respond to this person because I can't believe
they have this much audacity to do these things, to
say these things like what do I do from here?
Where do I go from here? And you just get
sucked into it, and then everything just comes to a boiling,
a screeching boiling point, and then you're just like, screw it,
I don't even care. I don't care where like this
(30:03):
relationship even goes anymore, because honestly, I've been done with
you for a long time. That's just the honest truth, right.
But if your friendship cannot survive being honest and transparent
and saying what your grievances are, then it's just it's
just never gonna work out. So when you are learning
to actually expand yourself, you're walking in your truth. It's
(30:24):
going to require a lot of discomfort. You're gonna have
to come to the revelation and the realization that hey,
this is how everyone is feeling about me that I
care about. Maybe I should consider listening to them. I
shouldn't shut them down. I'm realizing a lot of uncomfortable
truths about myself that I have to come to terms
with the person that I thought that I was. Maybe
(30:46):
I'm not that person because these people have a difference
in opinion. It's gonna be very, very uncomfortable, to say
the least. What's required of you to stop letting these
circumstances happen to you to stop being a victim of
constantly shrinking yourself all the time. Right, It's also going
to require you to establish boundaries and stand on them too.
(31:12):
Stand on your boundaries, because what you're not realizing is
the people that have eroded at your boundaries they don't care.
They're gonna show up the way they're gonna show up regardless.
You ever met someone with a very strong personality. They
say anything that comes to their mind, but they seem
practically incapable of receiving any sort of criticism about themselves.
(31:34):
It's funny how that works. It's funny how this person
can say the meanest, crass, nastiest things about someone, but
the second they hear a comment like hey, I didn't
like what you did, they're so insulted by that. It's like,
wait this, I'm what is landing in your ears? That? Like,
it's like I'm almost saying, you know, I don't know,
(31:57):
like I did something to your mom or something like
what is your deal? I'm not understanding why the simple
thing that I just said is so offensive to you. Meanwhile,
the way you speak is actually crazy. Have you ever
met someone like that? Yeah, I'm willing to bet you have.
You also have to be comfortable. Let me be abundantly
clear here. You need to get comfortable as you are
coming into your own get comfortable with people misunderstanding you.
(32:21):
I don't care to clear rumors up. Believe whatever you
want to believe. I don't care. I really don't, because
at the end of the day, if people are going
to be determined to misunderstand you, let them mail Robin's theory.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
Let them.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
I genuinely am comfortable with certain people never hearing my
side of the story, saying whatever they want to say
about me. I don't care because I realized I do
not value certain people's opinion. And if I was in
a relationship with someone and I realize, okay, this doesn't
work for me anymore, and I try to bring it up,
(32:55):
but I see that it's not working, this person is
not receptive to it.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
Then I know longer value what it is that you think.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
You have lost that right in my life, Okay, I
no longer value what you think, which means I am
going to show up differently.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
So that means we could just agree to disagree. It's
up from here. It's never going to be what it was.
Letting people misunderstand you is one of the biggest keys.
You do not need to go defending yourself to every
single person. You don't need to literally fight every single war,
defend every sentence. Let it be and you know what,
to weak people, this is going to look like guilt.
(33:30):
Oh well, it must be true, because she'd even say anything.
A lot of the times, what people don't realize is
people that love, that have the most raw, raw response
and all these different things, they're usually actually the ones
that are wrong in the situation. It's the people that
are quiet a lot of the time and trying to
process and understand what they just endured that are usually
(33:50):
the ones that are actually the victims in the situation
that need to be heard. I have found that to
be the truth about a lot of things. When you're
experiencing something extremely traumatic, it's not your usual go to
to just hop on the internet or be screaming from
the rooftops what you just encountered. Usually you are more
(34:10):
quiet because you're just try you're stuck. You're trying to
figure out what just happened to you and how to
give words to what just.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
Happened to you.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
But people that have so much energy behind telling their
story and running to this person and that person and
that person. They want to get in front of it
because they want to be in charge of the narrative.
Interesting how that works, all right, So let people misunderstand you,
I mean really, out of all of this, please let
people misunderstand you.
Speaker 1 (34:38):
A lot of people will have a lot of opinions
of you.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
And to be honest, it's none of your business what
other people are thinking about you, right, it's actually none
of your business. If they're gonna think that great doesn't matter,
has nothing to do with the price of tea in China.
You're also going to have to choose growth over chemistry. Yeah,
you connect with this guy, you're so attracted to him
all the things, but you know that there's something going
(35:01):
on here that you know, this is repeating a little
bit of a pattern that I want to get away from.
But you feel that chemistry with this guy. Probably lust,
but you feel this chemistry with this guy. You want
to keep it going, but you already know, deep down
in your heart the answer is no. Okay, so you
have to choose growth over chemistry, all right at certain times, well, actually, no,
(35:24):
all the time, you need to choose growth over chemistry.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
Period.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
If you know that something is just not really serving you,
why continue to go down that path of talking and
engaging with a person that you don't have kids with
this person, You're not married to this person, you're not
living with this person. I don't get it, Like, what's
really holding you here? I understand it could be emotions
and all these different things, but it's like, you know,
(35:48):
you can't just continue to choose the intimate moments that
you have over the fact that this could be this
is a toxic dynamic, right, And then you also have
to trust that the right connection is not going to
require you to completely erase yourself. The right connection for
you is going to require you to show up fully
self actualized as yourself, and there will.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
Be no issue with that.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
We, for some reason, seem to be conditioned as women
to think that we have to try and earn the
affection of men to be liked by them. You're pretending
to be interested in football when you are not. You're
pretending to be interested in all the things that he
likes in all his hobbies when you're not, simply because
(36:32):
you want to get with him.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Then when you do, and the.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
Mask starts to fall, and he wants to watch football,
thinking that's what you guys bond over, and you don't
want to do it. He's sitting here confused, like, well,
why did you switch up? But really, you realize I
never liked it. I was just tolerating it. I was
putting up with it. You have desires of your own
that you want to do with your partner and explore
and all these different things, but you're not doing them
because you're too busy trying to transform into something that
(36:59):
someone they would want instead of just being yourself. That
takes real, actual maturity. The right connection for you is
not going to require you to literally erase hearts of yourself.
What and think about it, Even from a faith perspective,
God is not going to bless who you pretend to
be be so for real, all right, He's going to
(37:21):
bless who you actually are. That's the difference. So the
questions to ask yourself is well, why am I minimizing
myself so I could keep this connection? Ah, we've all
done it. I don't even want to hear it. We've
all done it. And answer this honestly in the comment section,
where am I minimizing myself to keep a connection. You'd
be shocked with the answers here in how many of
(37:42):
you probably are doing the same thing. What would I
say if I was not afraid of the outcome? This
is going to be juicy. I do want to hear
what you guys have to say with that. Who benefits
if I stay small? What version of me is trying
to be born? So at the end of the day,
we have to realize that. Listen, You're not meant to
be palatable to every single person, right What is that saying?
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Like you, you.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
Know, may not be someone's cup of tea, if you
like shamp if they like champagne.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
I don't know, you guys know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
There's some sort of quote that mentions tea and champagne
or something like that. You were, however, meant to be powerful.
You're meant to be honest, You're meant to be whole,
You're meant to be all of yourself. So sit with
the discomfort. That's where people skip the self and what
people skip and self growth.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
They skip the discomfort. They hate being alone.
Speaker 2 (38:34):
They hop from this and this and that, and what's
crazy is these people are so great at identifying these
issues in others because they don't realize that it actually
stems from something that they've done, that they are doing themselves,
but they love calling it out in others as though
that actually takes place and does the healing for them,
you know, them being able to identify it in other people.
Make sure that you were journaling journal honestly, because some.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
People we did.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
You guys hear about that thing on GBT where some
people were saying that chat GBT just exacerbates.
Speaker 1 (39:05):
Whatever narrative you tell it to.
Speaker 2 (39:08):
Like, if you tell CHATGBT a version of your story,
of course it's going to give you feedback based off
of that version. But I don't know if you maybe
program it to just tell you the truth and things
like that, then maybe it will be different. But case
in point of this is that lady that had that
series that talked about how her therapist she was in
(39:30):
a relationship with her therapist or something of that nature,
and it turns out she kind of wasn't and she
was consulting with her chat GBT, and chat GBT was
literally like feeding her actual delusions and her mental illness,
which made her actually think that she was in fact
in a relationship with her therapist and it led to
all this drama, et cetera, et cetera. Literally, this is
(39:52):
on TikTok and this happened a while ago, so this
is nothing, you know, really new. But the point is
is that some people are just like leaning on chat
G to filter through their emotions, not realizing it's just
feeding them into their own delusions of grander even more.
All right, and lastly, what I want you to do
is I want you to share this episode with the
woman that you feel is shrinking herself right now. Okay,
(40:15):
remember this shrinking is not humility, it is fear. This
person won't like me if I show up exactly as
I am. This person is not going to like me
if I showcase, if I walk in the fullness of
who I am, because it threatens them, So you dim
your light so that it's more palatable for them. I'm guilty.
You should not lose people. The more you expand as
(40:37):
a person, you shouldn't. The wrong ones, of course, will
fall off. And being a low maintenance person is honestly
just high levels of abandoning yourself. It's self abandonment. So
that is the end. Of this episode my loves. With
that being said, do not forget that I love you
and God loves you, and I'll speak to you, beautiful
(40:58):
angels in my next EPO soap Why
Shrinking yourself is not humility.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
It is actually fear that's dressed up as peace. I
just want to keep the peace, like I don't want to,
you know what I mean. But you know that it
bothers you. Why do we actually do these things? Is
the question?
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Right, Let's get a little bit deep here.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Hey babe, it's Asia Christina.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
This is quality Queen Control. What is happening?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hello, my beautiful angels, welcome back to another episode. Do
we love the look guys today? I don't know, just
came up with it on the fly. Honestly, the older
that I am becoming, my fashion sense is getting absolutely incredible.
It's outrageous. Like I don't know what's happening, but thank
you Lord. Nothing really new to update you guys on
(00:52):
other than you better hype this video. Hype this video
so that YouTube knows that we are here. Quality queens
are in the building. If you're a part of the
A team, why wouldn't you do it? It just makes sense,
you know. So today I want to talk about something
about why playing small can be blocking your blessings. And
this honestly goes across the board, but especially of course,
(01:13):
as it pertains to your romantic dynamics. You know, at
some point in my life I realized in general, the
more that I shrank, honestly, the more invisible I simply became.
And let's just even say, in some romantic dynamics, if
you're not being chosen, you are simply being tolerated. And
(01:34):
you never want to fall in the category of passive reciprocity, right,
So this is just simply going to be a little
conversation that we're going to have for women like us
that are actually self aware, okay, healing, you know you
want to heal, you are also ambitious at the same time.
(01:57):
This is not about bashing anyone, men or anything. It's
honestly about self betrayal, all right, and personal development as well.
So this is basically why you may feel that your
life cannot expand. And it's probably because you are constantly
editing yourself that you become acceptable. And there have been
(02:19):
times in my life and I think that this directly
corresponds to people pleasing. When you are a people pleaser,
as soon as you hear some sort of feedback from someone,
you almost value everyone's opinion of you because you care
about your perception of people, which is not a negative
concept to have on a surface level, right, you want
(02:40):
to be someone that people you know kind of like
the ones that matter, I mean, not everyone. However, when
you're a people pleaser, you tend to edit yourself with
anyone's feedback, criticism, criticism clothed as feedback, et cetera, et cetera.
And you're just turning yourself into a chameleon to try
(03:02):
and adapt to what makes everyone feel acceptable, that you're acceptable, palatable,
all of the things. But what you're not realizing is
you are turning into a bunch of different versions of
what these people want you to be, and you're actually
betraying yourself. What does shrinking actually look like, well, simply
(03:22):
saying that things are fine when it's not. We all
do this. We all do this. We do this for
so many reasons. We do this because we don't want
to be a burden to people. We don't want to
make things seem like it's too much, or in a
romantic dynamic, especially, you don't want to feel like you're
being annoying, you're being a nag. The gag is some
(03:42):
of you actually really are a nag. But anyways, that's
neither here nor there, but you say you're fine when
you're not because you always want people to think that
you're okay. It's honestly something we all do in life,
especially when the actual answer sometimes is a ten minute
popodcast and you don't feel like getting into it at
(04:02):
the moment. You know, shrinking also can look like lowering
your standards that you can avoid conflicts. Well, this is
just as good as it's going to.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Get for me right now.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
I don't really want to ruffle any feathers like this
is just what I'm putting up with. But let me
tell you something that the psyche must always be heard, okay,
And because the psyche must always be heard, you will
end up if you fall in these categories as someone
that projects onto other people what you know that you
should be doing. So you'll become a person that all
(04:32):
of a sudden, you're talking about what other people are
tolerating in their relationship dynamics. Meanwhile, you're completely blind and
turned a blind eye to the things you tolerate in
your relationship. I actually knew someone like this once upon
a time, where they were so vocal about everyone else's
(04:53):
relationship and what they would never be tolerating from that person,
and it's crazy how they're dating this person and why
they would marry that person and all these different things.
And then when that person ended up in a relationship,
they became a completely different person. They became a mute,
all these different things. Let me tell you something. They
(05:14):
say pets keep you honest, but so do relationships. Relationships
are really going to show everyone, not even just yourself,
if you really are about that life, if you really
are who you think you claim to be. Right, relationships
are going to show us real quick, if you're really
about that life right, not asking for what you need
It is hard. It's hard sometimes to ask for what
(05:36):
you need because you don't want to come across as
a burden. Listen, I am definitely guilty of doing this myself,
where like I don't. I would rather sometimes handle certain
things on my own, depending on who.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
The situation is with. I know that, particularly with friends.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
I don't want to put you know, a lot of
responsibility or anything like that on my friends and stuff
like that, but I just like to I prefer to
do things more by myself. And sometimes, Yeah, you do
have a circle in a community for a reason, and
they are there for you to help you in those
moments where you're gonna need you know, their help. But
(06:13):
when you're not asking for what you need, especially as
it pertains so romantic dynamic, that is a cause for concern.
You should feel comfortable to you know, the person that
you're with you're sharing all these things with, you should
feel comfortable to come to them and ask them for
what you need. You shouldn't be ashamed of that. And
with that being said, corresponding with not asking for what
(06:36):
you need is making yourself easier instead of just being honest. Girl,
you know that that bothers you and you don't want
to do that, but you're.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Yeah, yeah, no, that's fine. Uh No, that's fine, we
can do that.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
This actually reminds me of the whole Taylor Swift thing.
Do you guys remember that whole debacle about And please
correct me in the comments if I'm wrong, but remember
that whole thing with like Kanye saying that, hey, he
called her and contacted her in regards to letting her
know that he wanted her to be a part of
his song, he was going to say what he was
(07:09):
going to say about her. And the thing is I
can hear in Taylor's voice. She was uncomfortable, and sometimes
you have people that are a little bit of a
terrorist to so to speak, like Kanye, where you want
to say what you're going to say, but you're nervous
to vocalize your opinion because you're just so taken aback
(07:29):
that somebody would even approach you with this, so you
tend to just be like, Okay, it's fine. I heard
Taylor's uncomfortability when he was reading her the lyrics, and
she did not want him to produce that song. She
didn't want to be a part of any controversy with
Kanye literally at all. But she just kind of was
(07:49):
like if you even heard her response, she was like,
I mean, you don't care, so like you're going to
do it anyways, right. I think at that point she
kind of arrived at the conclusion of, well, does it
really matter or what I think, because clearly you're calling me,
and if I tell you you know that I don't
feel comfortable with this, then like now it's awkward between us,
maybe because I don't you are coming to me with
(08:12):
all this enthusiasm, like you really feel like this is
a great idea, but there is a people pleasing part
of you that is just like, okay, I will just
deal with the uncomfortable consequences after. But as you grow
in wisdom and you grow older, you should release yourself
of the shackles of people pleasing even think about this, lady.
(08:35):
Is when you go to the nail salon and you
don't like your nails, but you sat there and paid
for your nails when you don't like them. That is
one of the biggest lessons that I've had to learn
in life, is to just start being vocal with any
and everything you know doesn't mean and if that person
is going to take it in offense, and who cares,
(08:56):
I don't like it, I'm done. And of course it's
uncomfortable to do that in certain scenarios, like sometimes when
you're getting your hair done and certain stylists are doing
a certain style and you're like, what actually is this?
And some of them have a nasty attitude, and you
would rather just shut your mouth, But you have to
realize you're sacrificing how you're actually feeling, and you're the
(09:19):
one that's going to have to sit with the consequence after.
So you are betraying yourself because you would rather just
let it be Meanwhile, you're enabling and allowing people like
this to think that you're okay with whatever the circumstances
because you're not speaking up for yourself. I think maybe again,
(09:41):
Taylor in that position could have been like, you know,
this sounds really funny, and honestly, I do appreciate your enthusiasm,
but if I'm being honest, I think considering our past
and everything, it does make me feel a little uncomfortable
to say this specific line. And I totally understand that
(10:01):
it's for it's sat tire and all the things, but
it just makes me uncomfortable in general to kind of,
you know, associate myself with it. I know that might
not be what you want to hear, and it honestly
is uncomfortable for me to vocalize, especially being someone that
is a people pleaser. Like she could have worded it
like that, but again, that takes more life experience and
(10:24):
maturity to be able to word things in that way
so that you can start to let your yes b
yes and your nobi no, just like even with your nails.
Really you can say, like, you know, if you know
as soon as you starts a clock that you don't
like that design, and you don't like that color. I
don't know what it is with certain nail salons. I
don't go to traditional nail salons I get. I'm off
the press off press on life. Guys, Might I add
(10:46):
sidebar like, oh my gosh, my nails got so damaged
from the press on Life. I think it's because me,
like I have very sensitive nails.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
I cannot take care of my nails myself.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Babe, my nail lady, I haven't gone to her since Sember.
I just went back to her literally yesterday. She said,
I am concerned for you your nails, so I get
hard jail manicures. My nail lady is Ukrainian, so I
used to get the Russian manicures, and now I get
hard jail manicure with Ukrainians and they are the best.
(11:19):
Like when I tell you, my nail tech is so
talented and she's so passionate about what she does, like
I actually love her.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
I love the entire salon.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
AnyWho, if you're clocking that you don't like a design
or something like that, just say, wait, I don't really
love that color. Do you think we could do something else?
Like you don't let them get to all ten fingers
and then you're uncomfortable. They're uncomfortable because they just did
all ten of your fingers.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
You know, you don't really like it.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
You just keep staring at it, hoping that they're going
to pick up on the cues. No, you have to
say something. You're gonna have to speak up for yourself.
I'm telling you, or you're just going to continue to
let people walk over you and it's going to come
to a boiling point.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Right.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
You have to speak your mind, because I'm telling you,
while you're doing this, other people are going to be
testing you and trying you. I remember I used to
be friends with a couple people in my life that
just made me so uncomfortable at certain points with the
things that they would say, the things that they would do.
The first time I encountered behavior that made me very uncomfortable,
I didn't respond. I didn't know how to act. I
(12:28):
wasn't really sure what to say because I was just
so stunned that somebody would treat me like that or
say something like that to me.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
And you kind of.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Think in your head, like, oh, if you heard this
story that you would say this to that person, you
would say that, But like you you'd be shocked, you freeze.
You honestly don't know how to respond in certain moments,
especially when you've encountered something for the first time. And
then I encountered that behavior again in another person, and
I very much knew how to navigate it from that point,
(12:57):
and I was able to make a graceful exit because
I knew, Okay, I'm seeing themes of that type of
behavior and yeah, I'm out.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
I'm not dealing with that.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
And you know, I tried vocalizing at one point before
it got to that specific point how I felt, and
I thought everything was fine, but then I had to
make the decision I made. Anyways, I say all that
to say, like making yourself easier to be around just
so that you can keep the peace instead of being
honest is not something that's going to work for you
in your adulthood.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Babe.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but it's not It's not going
to work for you. You have to be honest, and honestly,
life feels better when you are honest. How good does
it feel to know that your friends are actually your friends?
How good does it feel knowing that you can walk
into a room or leave a table and know that
(13:49):
the girls weren't talking about you behind your back as
soon as you got up. How good does it feel
to know that you're showing up as authentically as possible?
You know in a relationship, you're mantic relationship and that
man actually likes all of you. You're not keeping up
a persona in any capacity, so you know, you feel
(14:09):
so confident because he actually knows you, he actually loves
you for you. You're not putting on any You're not
putting on for the put one, if you know what
I mean? All right, or even being chill when you're
actually disappointed.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
That does you no good.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
And people love doing this, especially in romantic dynamics, acting
like things don't bother you when they in fact do.
Then when you blow up, when you get more comfortable
with that person, they're looking.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
At you like, wait, I'm so confused.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
You weren't acting like that the first time this happened
or whatever.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
The case is.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Well, you know what, it actually always bothered me, and
I'm finally just saying something about it now. Yes, there
will probably come a time in your life where you
will encounter a situation like that for the first time,
but there shouldn't be a second, a third, and a
fourth time. Where as you get into new relationships and
new dynamics, that that becomes a theme where you're always
holding on. No, you should have learned from the first
(15:02):
time somebody made you made you feel that way, or
you made somebody feel that way. Okay, this doesn't work.
I'm gonna be honest. I'm gonna address this without feeling like,
oh I just I just didn't want to be annoying.
I just would have know if it bothers you now,
it's going to continue to bother you when you get
locked into any sort of dynamic. Those same issues that
(15:22):
once bothered you exasperate, they don't dissipate. Okay, all right,
Shrinking yourself is not humility. It is actually fear that's
dressed up as peace. I just want to keep the peace,
like I don't want to, you know what I mean.
But you know that it bothers you. Why do we
actually do these things?
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Is the question?
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Right, Let's get a little bit deep here. Well, one,
the fear of abandonment. You also want, and what people
don't realize is these behaviors are unintentionally sometimes manipulative. Right,
you want people to stay around you. So you're just
trying to show up in this capacity so that you
know it keeps the peace. You're not ruffling any feathers,
(16:03):
whatever the case is. But it's going to come to
a boiling point where you're going to explode and you're
not going to want to The real you is going
to want to show up. The real you is going
to arrive. Trust me, you cannot keep on the facade
for long. You can't, all right, Also, wanting to be
chosen more than you want actual alignment, Well, this directly
(16:24):
corresponds to well, honestly, this corresponds to all types of dynamics.
Sometimes you can have a certain friendship that you don't
want to let go of because of the appearance of
what it looks like, and you don't want to make
it seem like you have no friends and that you're
alone and all these different things. So this is why
you would rather or at least this person chooses to
(16:45):
be around me rather than you know what, I don't
care to let this situation go because it's not aligning.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
I don't care. And then, of.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Course, even in relationships, romantic dynamics more than anything, we
see this dynamic being present where you are know, okay, this,
I don't really think that I'm seeing this whole entire
situation through.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
But you would rather go as.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Far as humanly possible because you don't want to start again,
because you don't want to be thirty five and not married.
All your friends are having kids, and this is the
step that you feel like you should have arrived at
in life, and why are you not there yet? So
you would rather have somebody, anybody next to you, And
that's why you've got You've jumped through hoops and you've
(17:27):
done a lot of gymnastics in order to force your
alignment with somebody that you are not aligned with. And
after a while when you were, when you're constantly operating
with those antics, you can't tell what's real and what's
not anymore because you've just done so much legwork that
you don't even know man like did I actually manufacture
(17:49):
this relationship or is this a natural thing?
Speaker 1 (17:52):
You can't tell, and that becomes an issue. Right.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Also, Sometimes being submissive or agreeable, right, is why people
want to do things. People also want to do things
even for sometimes religious conditioning. And that says a lot, right,
Because I am someone that identifies as a Christian. But
sometimes this is the difference between relationship versus religion. There
(18:16):
is a massive difference when you truly have a relationship
with Jesus Christ, right, because God can be anything to anyone.
And I stand ten toes down on that. I believe
in Jesus Christ, meaning Jesus Christ is God for me.
That's what I believe. You will encounter people of all
walks of life that claim right. They're speaking, you know,
(18:38):
Jesus God with their lips, but their hearts are far
from God. And you know, just for the sake of
seeming like they are a certain way, they are trying
to perform within a certain parameter to be agreeable and
docile and all these different things, when they're actually nothing
of the sort. So you're just faking the funk essentially, right.
(18:59):
And then some people have this lie that they believe
that love is pretty much earned through endurance. These are
gonna be the types of woman who genuinely do believe that, oh, well,
we've been together for so long, like going through trauma
equates to we must belong together, going through a lot
(19:21):
of turmoil equates to history and why we should be together.
We've been together for three years. We've been together for
seven years. We've gone through so much. I've taken him
back when he cheated. I've taken him back when he
did this and did that, and he took me back
when I did the And that equates to you as, oh, well,
(19:43):
we've endured all of this. We must we must be
meant to be together. This has to be love because
of all that we've gone through. No, not necessarily, because
at the end of the day, if being chosen is
going to cost you your voice, then that's not love.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
That's called that's what that's called.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
And if every time you're having to have a conversation
over and over again about uh, it's like you're hitting
reset on your relationship were you're always having to have like, uh,
this communication issue, and you're always having a conversation about
being real And you think every step you make, Okay, finally,
I think we're gonna be good now because we finally
(20:23):
got that layer done, that layer done, But then the
onion just keeps on peeling. That's a cause for concern,
all right, the cost of shrinking yourself. All right, this
is the wake up call that the cost of shrinking
yourself is gonna come with resentment. You're functioning in this
on a day to day basis, but you're gonna become resentful.
(20:44):
And if you're not gonna identify that you are becoming
resentful in your own dynamic, you are going to start
resenting other people because it's triggering something in you that's missing.
You will also have a loss of identity. We hear
people say it all the time. I lost myself in
that relationship. It can happen because you were performing within
(21:06):
a certain parameter that was not you. You didn't have
a voice right. Also emotional exhaustion. It is exhausting to
be anything other than yourself unless there's some sort of
clinical issue here where there's a scale. You're on the
scale of narcissism to some degree, and you're okay with
trying on a bunch of different identities and performing within
(21:27):
a certain parameter before you dispose of people.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
But for people that are that do not.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Have any sort of clinical diagnosis or issues around that,
you should find it to be exhausting to be anyone
other than yourself. You should want to give up the
charade at some point in your life and approach relationships
from the standpoint of you know what, I don't care
about me being liked by you more than I value
(21:55):
and care about do I like you? Does this align?
And am I able to be one hundred sent myself
around you? Or am I lying to myself and trying
to you know, piece things together to create a beautiful
puzzle thinking that that's you know, this is a beautiful picture.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
But really I created it. I made it.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
It should exhaust you to not truly say how you feel,
because your desires matter more than what the reality of
the situation is.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Also, like I said, your relationships plateauing, babe, it is
a data point if every time you turn around, people
are disappearing from you. It is a data point to
turn around and realize, why do my relationships always get
to a specific point and then things always drastically turn around.
That is not everyone leaves me, everyone just goes all
(22:46):
these different things. No, that is because there's something in
you that is causing these situations, that's attracting these types
of dynamics.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
It's actually a data point.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
In the name of self awareness, you should be able
to sit in that discomfort so that you can let
that be the catalyst of change.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Because you can't change what you don't acknowledge, Babe.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
If you're in denial but reality is saying otherwise, then
I beg to defer.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Also, when you are someone that shrinks yourself, you will
attract partners who actually like to control you. Right, You're
not attracting partnerships, you are attracting control. People are mistaking
your you know, people that mistake your kindness for weakness,
people that are looking for victims that are not going
to speak up for themselves. They're looking for someone that's
(23:33):
just going to put up and shut up and not
say anything. And they think that if you vocalize your opinion,
that's you being disrespectful, that's you talking back, that's all
the things. No, you're allowed to be your own person.
They think that you're supposed to perform within certain parameters.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
That's how they feel.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
The thing is, you're not going to be losing people
when you stop shrinking, right, But you're definitely going to
lose the attachments to things that made you feel like
you're small.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
And that's the thing about me.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
If I'm gonna be transparent with you, guys, I feel
like throughout certain friendship dynamics in my life. There is
duality to myself where yes, I show up online all
these different things. I am a confident person. In my friendships,
I am very very kind, you know, very supportive, and
(24:20):
I would honestly say very like humble, and I have
a lot of humility. And I know that sounds crazy
for me to probably label myself as such, but one
of my best friends just told me this about myself yesterday,
so I'm just repeating it, and I thought that was
really nice and kind. And I think some individuals that
have been in my life in the past they mistake
(24:43):
that humility and my humbleness for genuine weakness, so they
try and test me. And because I don't do people
the way that they do me, I just don't really
care to have the energy to go back and forth
with you and to go total toe with you, and
you know you're doing this to me and then I'm
doing this to you like I'd rather just be done.
(25:05):
And so for some reason, some people they mistake that
as like, oh, she's not playing the game, she's she's
you know, she's out, she you know, she's weak, and
it's like, no, I actually just don't care. But some
people I've also come to learn they do have to
be checked or they're going to continue to try and
test you, and they're going to think that you're enabling
(25:26):
their behavior, whether you realize it or not, because they're
going to think that everything that they're doing is okay.
So by time you finally speak up for yourself, they're
sitting here feeling like, well, you didn't have a problem
me doing this before.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
All these different things.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
It's because some people have never encountered certain personalities like
that before. And also, let's be honest here, let's call
a spade a spade. It's never easy to tell somebody
that you have a problem with like how they're showing up.
It's not easy to tell your friend, hey, you literally
just lied about an event that I was there for
and told the story in a different way, like you
(25:59):
were a history revisionist, and you told it with such
conviction it actually made me feel very uncomfortable. Like, let's
be honest here, that's not lost on us that sometimes
having these tough conversations is really it's so uncomfortable that
you would rather just not even deal with it at all,
And you have to desern whether or not you want
to do that. So a lot of the times you'll
(26:20):
take mental note and say okay, and then you wait
till the next thing happens. The next thing happens just
as egregious as the first thing, and that just becomes
the norm. Next thing you know, you're just taking mental note,
mental note, mental note, until it hits a boiling point
where you're just like, all right, I have just I'm
fed up with this person. But they because you didn't
(26:40):
say anything any of those other times. You didn't even
give a small little clapback that indicates that you have
some grit in you. They're so used to you just
being quiet and docile that they're blindsided by how you've
been feeling. But really, you've been feeling these feelings all along,
but because of that person's personality, it's hard to bring
to their attention. And that person's probably feeling like, well,
(27:03):
if I'm this way, then why don't you say this
to me before all these different things, not realizing well,
it's your personality and how you come across clearly lacking
accountability and awareness that makes someone feel that way.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Some people also.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Could feel that way on their own, but I have
found in my experience a lot of the times, it's
because this behavior goes unchecked. Certain people's behavior goes so
unchecked they're used to performing in a certain way with
all their relationships that it's jarring when someone tells them like, hey,
this absolutely does not work for me, because now to them,
(27:40):
it feels like you're insulting who they are, whatever their
identity is attached to. They feel like you're insulting that.
They're not used to people actually vocalizing how they feel
in a friendship. So it's uncomfortable to sit in that
conflict and to sit in that the adversity of Okay,
where do we stand now that this is out in
(28:02):
the open sort of thing, because it's especially depending on
how the longevity of the relationship, it's almost like, okay,
well where do we stand from here? Where's the dynamic
going to go? But again, in friendships, there is elasticity, flexibility,
Transparency is required, Honesty is also required. But sometimes I
(28:22):
find that people that are very very I hate to
say it, but just like messed up. They don't know
how to perform, how to be a good friend, They
don't know how to be a good partner because they're
cause playing both roles that they cannot hear the truth
about themselves because it will just crack the mask of
who they think that they are. AnyWho, Like I said,
(28:44):
when you are shrinking yourself, you were going to attract
people that like control, and this goes in friendships and whatever.
So this caused me to question was I shrinking myself
in certain dynamics?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
And I absolutely was. That's the truth.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
I was shrinking myself and not standing in my power.
And somehow the line between humility and shrinking got blurred
and really made certain individuals think that I was really
the one to play with. Luckily, lessons have been learned
and I no longer am that way. However, for some reason,
(29:22):
I guess it was, Well, one, you want to showcase like, hey,
like I am a kind person. You also want to
be liked, right, you genuinely do. So it's hard when again,
you come across very strong personalities that are just crass
and strange, and you're just like, I don't even know
(29:42):
how to respond to this person because I can't believe
they have this much audacity to do these things, to
say these things like what do I do from here?
Where do I go from here? And you just get
sucked into it, and then everything just comes to a boiling,
a screeching boiling point, and then you're just like, screw it,
I don't even care. I don't care where like this
(30:03):
relationship even goes anymore, because honestly, I've been done with
you for a long time. That's just the honest truth, right.
But if your friendship cannot survive being honest and transparent
and saying what your grievances are, then it's just it's
just never gonna work out. So when you are learning
to actually expand yourself, you're walking in your truth. It's
(30:24):
going to require a lot of discomfort. You're gonna have
to come to the revelation and the realization that hey,
this is how everyone is feeling about me that I
care about. Maybe I should consider listening to them. I
shouldn't shut them down. I'm realizing a lot of uncomfortable
truths about myself that I have to come to terms
with the person that I thought that I was. Maybe
(30:46):
I'm not that person because these people have a difference
in opinion. It's gonna be very, very uncomfortable, to say
the least. What's required of you to stop letting these
circumstances happen to you to stop being a victim of
constantly shrinking yourself all the time. Right, It's also going
to require you to establish boundaries and stand on them too.
(31:12):
Stand on your boundaries, because what you're not realizing is
the people that have eroded at your boundaries they don't care.
They're gonna show up the way they're gonna show up regardless.
You ever met someone with a very strong personality. They
say anything that comes to their mind, but they seem
practically incapable of receiving any sort of criticism about themselves.
(31:34):
It's funny how that works. It's funny how this person
can say the meanest, crass, nastiest things about someone, but
the second they hear a comment like hey, I didn't
like what you did, they're so insulted by that. It's like,
wait this, I'm what is landing in your ears? That? Like,
it's like I'm almost saying, you know, I don't know,
(31:57):
like I did something to your mom or something like
what is your deal? I'm not understanding why the simple
thing that I just said is so offensive to you. Meanwhile,
the way you speak is actually crazy. Have you ever
met someone like that? Yeah, I'm willing to bet you have.
You also have to be comfortable. Let me be abundantly
clear here. You need to get comfortable as you are
coming into your own get comfortable with people misunderstanding you.
(32:21):
I don't care to clear rumors up. Believe whatever you
want to believe. I don't care. I really don't, because
at the end of the day, if people are going
to be determined to misunderstand you, let them mail Robin's theory.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
Let them.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
I genuinely am comfortable with certain people never hearing my
side of the story, saying whatever they want to say
about me. I don't care because I realized I do
not value certain people's opinion. And if I was in
a relationship with someone and I realize, okay, this doesn't
work for me anymore, and I try to bring it up,
(32:55):
but I see that it's not working, this person is
not receptive to it.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
Then I know longer value what it is that you think.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
You have lost that right in my life, Okay, I
no longer value what you think, which means I am
going to show up differently.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
So that means we could just agree to disagree. It's
up from here. It's never going to be what it was.
Letting people misunderstand you is one of the biggest keys.
You do not need to go defending yourself to every
single person. You don't need to literally fight every single war,
defend every sentence. Let it be and you know what,
to weak people, this is going to look like guilt.
(33:30):
Oh well, it must be true, because she'd even say anything.
A lot of the times, what people don't realize is
people that love, that have the most raw, raw response
and all these different things, they're usually actually the ones
that are wrong in the situation. It's the people that
are quiet a lot of the time and trying to
process and understand what they just endured that are usually
(33:50):
the ones that are actually the victims in the situation
that need to be heard. I have found that to
be the truth about a lot of things. When you're
experiencing something extremely traumatic, it's not your usual go to
to just hop on the internet or be screaming from
the rooftops what you just encountered. Usually you are more
(34:10):
quiet because you're just try you're stuck. You're trying to
figure out what just happened to you and how to
give words to what just.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
Happened to you.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
But people that have so much energy behind telling their
story and running to this person and that person and
that person. They want to get in front of it
because they want to be in charge of the narrative.
Interesting how that works, all right, So let people misunderstand you,
I mean really, out of all of this, please let
people misunderstand you.
Speaker 1 (34:38):
A lot of people will have a lot of opinions
of you.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
And to be honest, it's none of your business what
other people are thinking about you, right, it's actually none
of your business. If they're gonna think that great doesn't matter,
has nothing to do with the price of tea in China.
You're also going to have to choose growth over chemistry. Yeah,
you connect with this guy, you're so attracted to him
all the things, but you know that there's something going
(35:01):
on here that you know, this is repeating a little
bit of a pattern that I want to get away from.
But you feel that chemistry with this guy. Probably lust,
but you feel this chemistry with this guy. You want
to keep it going, but you already know, deep down
in your heart the answer is no. Okay, so you
have to choose growth over chemistry, all right at certain times, well, actually, no,
(35:24):
all the time, you need to choose growth over chemistry.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
Period.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
If you know that something is just not really serving you,
why continue to go down that path of talking and
engaging with a person that you don't have kids with
this person, You're not married to this person, you're not
living with this person. I don't get it, Like, what's
really holding you here? I understand it could be emotions
and all these different things, but it's like, you know,
(35:48):
you can't just continue to choose the intimate moments that
you have over the fact that this could be this
is a toxic dynamic, right, And then you also have
to trust that the right connection is not going to
require you to completely erase yourself. The right connection for
you is going to require you to show up fully
self actualized as yourself, and there will.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
Be no issue with that.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
We, for some reason, seem to be conditioned as women
to think that we have to try and earn the
affection of men to be liked by them. You're pretending
to be interested in football when you are not. You're
pretending to be interested in all the things that he
likes in all his hobbies when you're not, simply because
(36:32):
you want to get with him.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Then when you do, and the.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
Mask starts to fall, and he wants to watch football,
thinking that's what you guys bond over, and you don't
want to do it. He's sitting here confused, like, well,
why did you switch up? But really, you realize I
never liked it. I was just tolerating it. I was
putting up with it. You have desires of your own
that you want to do with your partner and explore
and all these different things, but you're not doing them
because you're too busy trying to transform into something that
(36:59):
someone they would want instead of just being yourself. That
takes real, actual maturity. The right connection for you is
not going to require you to literally erase hearts of yourself.
What and think about it, Even from a faith perspective,
God is not going to bless who you pretend to
be be so for real, all right, He's going to
(37:21):
bless who you actually are. That's the difference. So the
questions to ask yourself is well, why am I minimizing
myself so I could keep this connection? Ah, we've all
done it. I don't even want to hear it. We've
all done it. And answer this honestly in the comment section,
where am I minimizing myself to keep a connection. You'd
be shocked with the answers here in how many of
(37:42):
you probably are doing the same thing. What would I
say if I was not afraid of the outcome? This
is going to be juicy. I do want to hear
what you guys have to say with that. Who benefits
if I stay small? What version of me is trying
to be born? So at the end of the day,
we have to realize that. Listen, You're not meant to
be palatable to every single person, right What is that saying?
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Like you, you.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
Know, may not be someone's cup of tea, if you
like shamp if they like champagne.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
I don't know, you guys know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
There's some sort of quote that mentions tea and champagne
or something like that. You were, however, meant to be powerful.
You're meant to be honest, You're meant to be whole,
You're meant to be all of yourself. So sit with
the discomfort. That's where people skip the self and what
people skip and self growth.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
They skip the discomfort. They hate being alone.
Speaker 2 (38:34):
They hop from this and this and that, and what's
crazy is these people are so great at identifying these
issues in others because they don't realize that it actually
stems from something that they've done, that they are doing themselves,
but they love calling it out in others as though
that actually takes place and does the healing for them,
you know, them being able to identify it in other people.
Make sure that you were journaling journal honestly, because some.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
People we did.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
You guys hear about that thing on GBT where some
people were saying that chat GBT just exacerbates.
Speaker 1 (39:05):
Whatever narrative you tell it to.
Speaker 2 (39:08):
Like, if you tell CHATGBT a version of your story,
of course it's going to give you feedback based off
of that version. But I don't know if you maybe
program it to just tell you the truth and things
like that, then maybe it will be different. But case
in point of this is that lady that had that
series that talked about how her therapist she was in
(39:30):
a relationship with her therapist or something of that nature,
and it turns out she kind of wasn't and she
was consulting with her chat GBT, and chat GBT was
literally like feeding her actual delusions and her mental illness,
which made her actually think that she was in fact
in a relationship with her therapist and it led to
all this drama, et cetera, et cetera. Literally, this is
(39:52):
on TikTok and this happened a while ago, so this
is nothing, you know, really new. But the point is
is that some people are just like leaning on chat
G to filter through their emotions, not realizing it's just
feeding them into their own delusions of grander even more.
All right, and lastly, what I want you to do
is I want you to share this episode with the
woman that you feel is shrinking herself right now. Okay,
(40:15):
remember this shrinking is not humility, it is fear. This
person won't like me if I show up exactly as
I am. This person is not going to like me
if I showcase, if I walk in the fullness of
who I am, because it threatens them, So you dim
your light so that it's more palatable for them. I'm guilty.
You should not lose people. The more you expand as
(40:37):
a person, you shouldn't. The wrong ones, of course, will
fall off. And being a low maintenance person is honestly
just high levels of abandoning yourself. It's self abandonment. So
that is the end. Of this episode my loves. With
that being said, do not forget that I love you
and God loves you, and I'll speak to you, beautiful
(40:58):
angels in my next EPO soap Why
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