Amanda Seales talks Recent Break-Up, Relationship Standards, Dating In This New Age + More

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
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purpose carp A DM. But youknow, last time you were here,
you remember in a relationship, youhad a real that went viral on this

(01:11):
show and people really loved what youwere saying. And one of the things
you said in it was until younever experienced a nigga try. I have
never experienced until being with you,I have never experienced a nigga try.
That's never one, not one,never, It's true. And then I
experienced the niggas I'm trying, AndI know niggas in the comments right now,

(01:38):
like see that's why she's single,And it's like, yeah, that
is exactly why I'm single. Becausewe live in a society that hasn't caught
up to women like me as blackpeople, Like we just aren't really taught
how to love ourselves, Like wedon't even know what that looks like,
a lot of times, Like Ithink so many of us are in that
process on a regular basis, Likewhat does that actually mean? Why can't
we support each other and know thatyou have your strengths and I have my

(02:00):
strengths. Like your digging balls doesnot give you leadership shills. The idea
that you would trust someone to birththe baby that you would give everything to,
but not to handle your feelings isbonkers. But it's also like women,
we also need to be very practicedat how to handle feelings. I'm
faby okay, well craft to That'swhy my people say wild shit to me

(02:27):
like a man of steel hates likeman, I'm like, check my record,
you know, you know how thepoliticians just be like check my voting
records. I'm like, check mymoney record. Okay, Hey, guys,
welcome back to shout out all ourreal lovers out there. Everybody,
Welcome back, Welcome back, Rond. Don't you want to tell them we're're

(02:51):
at today? Ooh, I dobecause we are in a very nice looking
place. I'm on, y'all,see all the fixtures, all the things.
I just want to shout out thefine, fine fine folks. City
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com and Erica you know, Ilove you. I appreciate you. We

(03:13):
appreciate you guys so much. Beautifulspot. It's very sexy, yeah,
very sexy in here. So beforewe get started, if welcome, if
you're new here, you are nowpart of the real Lover Gang. And
to officially be initiated, just hitthe subscribe. That's it all show.
Just hit the subscribe button. Thatlike share. You got to do like
seven things to get in gang.Yeah, you just and what they call

(03:37):
it? When when between the preliminaries, I don't know. Yeah, you
got it, yes, yeah,and then you gotta go through all the
initiation. Then you gotta write areview. And then once you do that
gang gang, there we go,there we go. Well the special day,
what'd you call it? Around ourfirst second? Yes, our first

(03:58):
second? Explain that to them.So this very special guest has already been
a guest, but she was alsoour first guest, and now she's our
first Part two, do you feelspecial? I didn't know I was the
first guest, because I did know. I was Welcome back to you said,

(04:21):
every time you're in DC, DC, treat you well, how's DC
been thus far? On your trip? Fabulous? DC? Really treats me
well. Now I have I havethe radio show here in d C.
So you can listen to the AmandaSils Show ten to three on Magic and
DC. You can also listen toit where you get your podcast. But
it's a syndicated radio show, soI mean it's all over the nation.

(04:41):
But to be on the air ind C, which has always been like
a market that's shown me so muchlove, like it really means a lot.
So you know, I am happyto be here. We're happy to
have you here. And I willsay with we have our friendship with working
with Amanda, Amanda, it isjust amazing. Oh Dre. It's amazing
to see it from the outside,but when you're on the inside and see

(05:02):
how somebody works too, it's justlike he's just working, black woman.
I appreciate that. No problem,No problem. So you're here for the
second time, Yes, I thinkwe have to address I wouldn't call it
an elephant in the room. Butyou know, last time you were here,
you were in a relationship and Iwant to quote, you had a

(05:26):
real that went viral on this show. I did. Yeah, yeah,
we did, and people really lovedwhat you were saying and One of the
things you said in it was untilyou never experienced a nigga try. I
have been with people who were like, not gonna let me go, but
they also weren't trying to improve,So like, what are we really doing?
I have never experienced until being withyou, I have never experienced a

(05:49):
nigga try. That's never, notone never, It's true. And then
I experienced the niggas I'm trying.You were in a relationship, but shortly
after you were no longer in one, and you did it creatively on Instagram.
That announcement was very creative. Ronto actually say, love death very

(06:13):
creative. We should probably plug thatreal Like too good. How you announced
that. I think people just wantto know what happened. Oh well,
that little thing, you know whatit is. It's it's always interesting when

(06:33):
you're on a healing process that ifyou're constantly in a healing process, then
you are constantly becoming more aware ofthings that you may not have been aware
of before. Like even in listeningto that, that makes me cringe that
a nigga trying was enough, thatwas the standard, Like that's wild to

(06:54):
me. Like hearing you say thatback is like, oh, my you
hear the I'm over here heavy breathing, because I have been there. Yeah,
Like, and I think a lotof women who are so like you
started out this podcast by saying,like a man that works so hard,
like you know, she's like reallyyou know, on her shit, et
cetera. And I think a lotof women, like myself suffer from smart

(07:15):
woman dumb girl syndrome. That girl, I will leave this room. And
what I consider smart woman dumb girlsyndrome to be is that we are like
book smart. We are even likewe are savvy, like we might be
bereard driven, yeah, but we'renot heart smart. So and that doesn't

(07:36):
mean that you don't have emotional intelligence. What that means is that like there
really is a dynamic to like beingin relationships with like cisgendered heterosexual men that
like some women have mastered and thatare able to understand. And like,
if you didn't have the right peoplearound you, like growing up, you
kind of never like learn those skills, you know, Like I have a

(07:59):
lot of skins. I'd never hadthose skills. I was also flat chested
till like ninety eight, so likeI was also like a late bloomer yeah,
and so there's just a constant workin progress around like my own.
Now, mind you, I cansee somebody else's easy clear as day twenty
twenty, actually more than twenty twenty. I'm like Jordan on Star Trek with

(08:22):
the visor, like I could actuallysee better than all of y'all, you
know. But when it's my ownself, which is the norm, like
your own self, like you don'thave the same ability. But I feel
like what really happened was that Ilike crossed over into a space of maturity

(08:43):
that like my partner just did notwant to go to, and that ends
up being a catalyst for seeing likea lot of other things that I hadn't
really maybe not allowed myself to bebefore, but that I didn't consider to
be deal breakers before. But ifyou don't want to grow up, that's
a deal breaker. We have togrow. We have to grow. And

(09:07):
you know, I think that thebiggest lesson I learned was what it looks
like when someone loves themselves, andjust as black people like we just aren't
really taught how to love ourselves,like we don't even know what that looks
like a lot of times, likeI think so many of us are in
that process on a regular basis,Like what does that actually mean? Does

(09:28):
it just mean like going and getmy nails done? Like, hey,
you know what I'm saying. LikeAudrey Lord talks about how like no,
like loving yourself is loving your community, you know, like loving yourself is
being a part of like creating thespaces that you're in, making them lovable,
right, and also like allowing thepossibility for you to experience joy,

(09:50):
allowing for you to heal. There'swork that you have to do to do
that. And so a lot ofthe brothers that I know that I have
dated, like they have not activelydone that. So if they're not even
giving themselves the opportunity to love themselves. And I'm not saying anything new,
people have said this before, butif they're not giving themselves the opportunity to
love themselves in a real way,how can you possibly love someone else?

(10:13):
Not even just love me, likethat's that's your kids, like et cetera,
anyone. You know. So thatwas like a real like like,
oh, you're not even doing thethings for yourself that would be demonstrative of
you loving yourself. Like I knowthat I've had to go to therapy because
I'm like standing in the way,Like I have trauma and I have behaviors

(10:35):
that are in the way of myaccess to joy. So then it's my
responsibility to go and do that,to go and do that. Yeah,
and I brought some of that inour relationship and it was in the way
of our joy in our relationship.So I had to actively work to remove
that from getting in the way ofour joy in our relationship. But then
if I remove it and they stillenjoy it and our labge with somebody elimination,

(11:01):
both of us have to be onthat like did like And I think
at the end of the day,like the nigga didn't like me? That
damn. That was a that wasa very sharp summation, a very sharp
I mean like grew to not ornever did in your assessment, I don't
know that he ever. Did youthink he was using you? Just playing

(11:24):
the game as long as so afterafter we broke up about it, months
after we broke up, I gota letter. I got an anonymous letter
from somebody that said that they hadseen me on this podcast, this one,
this podcast, this podcast. Okay, so shout out to y'all,
and they were like, oh,I saw you on that podcast and you

(11:45):
were saying that you were in lovewith and you must be like the only
person in the world that didn't knowthat they were an opportunist. M oh
damn. And then they went onto say a lot of things in this
letter that I'm not even going toshare here, but they were all accurate.
And it wasn't a horned person thathad been with him before, but
it was somebody who said, Iwanted to share this with you because it's

(12:05):
clear that you didn't know and youknow that it's you know, just like
women to a woman. I justwanted you to have that knowledge. And
again, like I'm not calling himan abuser, Like I'm not saying any
of those things, right, butat the end of the day, like
opportunism plays out in a number ofdifferent ways, and it can represent itself

(12:31):
in relationships in a myriad of ways. Sometimes someone's an opportunists and just that
like they just want to have somebodyyep, yeah, Like they're not trying
to clout chase necessarily. I justwant partnership. They want to float,
they want to be floated and whateverthat looks like, yesh, Yeah,
So I think it was more that, Like, I don't think he was
cloud chasing, but I think thatthis setup was probably advantageous. And and

(13:00):
I desire to make the person I'mwith comfortable, right, so like,
and that's part of my own selflow self esteem. There's so many things
that you said I have a questionabout. I want to go back.
First is when it comes to thosemen that you were talking to. Did

(13:22):
they see that they had issues andwere going about their own way or trying
to solve them or they didn't thinkthey had issues at all. No.
I've always feel like I've dated menwho, for the most part, I
acknowledge they have issues and they've acceptedit about themselves, like I'm not changing,

(13:43):
this is just this is just whoI am. And it feels like
it's like it's somehow for them asense of I don't know, it's like
a source of strength that I've acceptedthese flaws and should be proud of me.
Yeah, And you know what,a lot of us do this thing
where we have been taught about thiswhole like making lemons from making lemonade from

(14:07):
lemons type shit with our trauma andlike that's bullshit, Like making lemonade from
lemons is like, Oh, Igot suck at the beach, so I
made it a beach day, youknow what I'm saying, Like making lemonade
from lemons isn't like my parents abandonedme. And so you know, now
I'm a real nigga because I knowhow to be abandoned. Like that's not

(14:28):
making lemonade from lemons, right,Because also a lot of times it's like
you've accepted a behavior that was neverokay and you didn't deserve that. You
didn't deserve to be treated that way, and whether you want to judge them
or not, like that was nothow you should have been treated as a
child, and you have to beable to acknowledge that, to be able

(14:48):
to acknowledge how it affected you andhow you are now carrying and perpetuating through
that. So like even for myself, like my dad is whack, and
you know, I have abandonment issuesbecause of that, and now I like
respond to certain things a certain waybecause of those abandoning issues. But I
had to be able to grasp like, oh, this is because of this,

(15:13):
and so I do that, andthat's in the way of me getting
this source of joy in order tolike move past it. But that's also
like an ego thing. You haveto be able to be willing to say
like, oh, I'm toxic too, I gotta work on that. I
gotta work on that. It's funny. One of the other things you talked
about, which could have been apart of thing but maybe not, is

(15:37):
just like when you know that youare going through your own stuff, everything
that you just said, you're trauma, you're working on your stuff. Then
you have a partner that may feellike they don't have all of that right,
like they don't have trauma. Theydon't or they haven't immediately associated any
I feel like even still sometimes it'slike, but you may still need outside
help to help me, to supportme. You can't necessarily fix my process

(16:00):
like I have. I have myown process, but you may not have
the tools to be my partner whileI work through my process like I still,
you still have to be doing somework. You can't just think,
well, you do that and I'llbe over here, like I'll be kicking
it and chilling while you work onyour stuff. To me, everyone needs
to be working on something. Mylift might be heavier, right, my

(16:22):
I might have to carry way morelumber, but you need to be able
to like hold my backup while I'mdoing it, or make sure there's nothing
on the steps, Like we haveto be a team in order to work
through the things, whatever the thingsare, if it's my things, your
things, whatever, Like I mean, we I don't feel like our society
has like the tools, Like we'renot taught that, Like I mean some
of us did like peer counseling,you know, in middle school. But

(16:45):
also everybody has trauma. There's that, right, so like they're nobody is
devoid of trauma. Like even whenwhite people be like there's no such thing
as white privilege, we all havetraumas, Like that's not what we're talking
about. But yes, even yourich Becky, like you have trauma too.
But to me, that is thebiggest lie is to tell yourself that

(17:07):
you didn't have trauma, and thelie of like now I'm good. Yeah,
it's like but you're not, Likeyou're not and that's okay. But
in order for that to work forboth of us, like we gotta acknowledge
those things. And in the bestcase scenario, I guess, like trust

(17:30):
your partner is coming from the bestplace, Like I don't think in hindsight
that he ever really trusted that Iwas coming from the best place, Like
there was always a certain adversarialness thatI would talk about, like why are
we coming from? Why is thereadversarialness in our interaction? You know,
like I am on your side,like I have demonstrated this through words,

(17:51):
through actions, through money, LikeI am on your side. But that's
the type of shit that ain't gotnothing to do with me, Yo,
that has nothing to do with me. Like they're like, I'm sure every
broad before me and whoever you livingwith now, is it also dealing with
that you play sports? Yes,I understand, Like I learned that in
sports, Like my coach would yellat me, scream at me during practice,

(18:12):
but game time it was like we'reall on the same team and all
of this is collective. There's aman, you got mama issues. You
ain't never going to be able tolook at a woman like she's on your
team. Ever, Damn am Ilying? No? Not at all,
not at all. I think I'mlike having such a and I say that
as something. Let me, canI just say something. I say that

(18:33):
as someone who it took me whoI daddy issues years to be able to
look at brothers like, oh,you're on my like in a relate,
in a romantic relationship, Oh we'reon the same team. Because I had
the adversarial on this too, andthen I had to get over my ship
to be like, no, that'snot my like, that's you're not coming
at me. We're we're doing thisagain. We're doing this together. And

(18:53):
that's how I came into this.That was my last relationship, Like I
had that breakthrough of like, oh, like I can wholly care about you
without it putting me in danger becauseI got me. What you said is
I feel like what people will doto manipulate you, especially if you're mature
enough to recognize your own trauma,your own issues, you're going to therapy.

(19:17):
They could look at you and say, see, you got all the
issues, you have, all theproblems you need to get yourself together,
and then they'll act perfect, butthey'll use that to manipulate you. And
I've seen that so many times.We've had people right in to where it's
like the man that's truly manipulating them, making that girl or playing the victim,
essentially saying that like you're the onedoing everything wrong right and you have

(19:37):
all the issues. You need togo to therapy. I don't need to
go to therapy. We don't needto go to therapy together at you same,
I've lived, same, same,and I felt so this person was
someone from my past, so similarto like your dynamic where we dated when
we were so much younger, andso we entered it with a lot of
euphoria like oh this is so inthe style, oh my god. But

(20:02):
it was probably I don't know,maybe ten or fifteen years in between the
time and then we reconnect and Ihave, like I'm in therapy. I
had been through therapy. I hadidentified so many things, and one of
the things that I had was trustissues. Again because similar to you,
daddy issues, abandonment issues, soI inherently distrust. I'm forty, Oh
these are father issues. Now,yeah, these are forty. They become

(20:25):
father issues, his father issues.And I admitted that to him in a
time where I felt like we hadgotten to a place I felt safe to
say like yeah, bow, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like,
you know, I have trust issuesand I want you to know that
because I want you to give megrace when it appears. And I haven't

(20:47):
emotionally, I just want grace whenit happens, and once it happened,
it was totally used against me,it was wielded against me, when truly
he was like, you know,like me not calling you for nine hours
when I normally would call you,is that's not I was, I mean,
what do you mean, Like,see, that's your trust issues?
Like that's what And I was like, dog the fact, I wish I

(21:11):
never told you this, Like itis literally being used against me as a
weapon, and then that makes youclam up even more. Then it almost
feels like it's undoing until you learnthat that can then be used against you,
until you learn that it's like,oh now I just need to go
back at my show. Now Ididn't trust my father, I didn't trust
any of the men up to thismoment, and now I can't even I

(21:33):
don't even know when I'm supposed tofeel safe because what I thought was safety
wasn't safety. It's like, howdo you know when it's a truly safe
space? Like that's a real questionthat I'm asking you, whether you can
answer it or not. But likehad he said to you, Okay,
let's get down to brass tacks.Like me not calling you for nine hours.

(21:53):
Do you feel like that may bepart of your trust issues. I
feel like even just broaching it thatway, that way allows you to self
explore. And if you're like,no, it's not nigga, you usually
call me a night, you know, then the safe space is in him
trusting that you are, that youare a valid examiner of your own behaviors

(22:21):
and like someone should be able towatch and see through action if someone does
that, right, are you avalid examiner of your own behaviors? I
will tell you that in my relationship, in my effort to try to like
create safe spaces, one of thethings that I know that used to happen
was, for whatever reason, likehe just wouldn't say things that were bothering

(22:41):
him until they were retaliations, soit wouldn't get said. But then now
that I have something that's bothering me, it's we're going to deflect by talking
about this thing, and so totry to curtail that. Mike. So
I'm a root person, right,I'm not going to tell talk about the
branches. I'm like the root ofthis. Feels like you don't feel comfortable

(23:03):
sharing things in the moment when theyupset you. Why is that? So
let's talk about that. And thenI was like, so, what if
we do a thing where every dayat the end of the day, because
for the most part, like wewould go to bed together. I was
like, what if at the endof every day, like we have a
safe space where we like share whateveris on our chest for the day,

(23:26):
and we also like share whatever gratitudewe have for each other for the day.
And that was me trying to makelike a space that we both know
is non judgment space, Like I'mcoming to the space like all right,
whatever they and so like these arethe types of things that I was trying
to like employ for our wellness becauseI do feel like at this point,

(23:49):
especially if they're in your forties,trying to be in a relationship and it's
like new, like you need tools. Like I mean, everybody needs the
tools, but like we're so fuckedup we need tool And because we're so
conditioned by moving alone, yeah,yeah, we're not used to being in
tandem. Yes, And I thinksome people come into the relationship thinking that

(24:11):
you'll just like figure get with someoneand yeah and figure it out, or
that it'll just be an attachment,you know, Like I know that there
were certain things with him that heseemed to just not grasp would shift if
you're with somebody, you know,like even just basic stuff like if it's
by thirty am and you want togo for a run, so be it,
But like, can you be quietabout it because I'm still sleep?

(24:33):
Oh so I got a tiptoe.Yes it please, I mean, but
that's like why wouldn't you want to? Like nobody's saying like, don't go
run, but like maybe you putyour shoes, like your sneakers by the
door in the morning, right,Like it's a big enough house. Maybe
you go get dressed in the otherroom or something, you know, Like
but it's just that kind of thoughtfulnessthat comes with partnership and that comes with

(24:55):
successful relationships. Are really healthy relationshipsthey put each other first. If you're
constantly thinking about the other person,then I think you'll have a healthy relationship.
But what you said is important becauseI was that type of person,
like not sharing things, And Irealized that I was doing my own relationship
with disservice because my wife would thinknothing bothered me because so she would even

(25:18):
go harder on me, and likeexpress all this stuff, and she's like,
oh, you're fine, like youcan take the brunt and everything,
and I'm like I can't. Andshe was like, well, why don't
you share that things? Why don'tyou share the things with me? Because
I don't want to be extra.I don't want to upset the apple card.
Well, it's more I think itwas my sports background, like the
mentality of like if you're injurising onthe sideline, but if you're if you

(25:41):
are on the field, I don'twant to hear you complain about nothingship I
know, but in my mind certainthings and it's just like you just suck
it up and just do it likeyou don't gotta and it doesn't bother you
as much. It's like, allright, whatever, I'm just gonna do
it, all right, whatever,I'm just gonna do it, all right,
whatever. I'm just gonna do it. And I think your condition as
a man sometimes too, to notcomplain or even sharing about certain things because

(26:03):
it looks weak. Yeah, soit's like, nah, I'm good.
But I would constantly say things inthis you'll come at me or give me
this perfection complex, which was reallydamaging for us early on is that she
saw me as perfect because I nevercomplained about anything, never said I had
any issues, never said I hadany problems. So the moment I did
something wrong, which is just anormal thing that people do because I'm not

(26:26):
perfect, it was like all hellbroke loose and everything was wrong and everything,
and I'm like, just because ofthis, like just because of this,
you're mad at me. But Iset the standard because I never told
her I had any problems, nevertold her I had any issues. I
made it seem like everything was great. But I was hurting inside because I'm
like, I understand that you havea lot of things that you're going through,

(26:48):
like what about me? Like whatabout me? But it's like you
got to say something in order forpeople to know that there's something wrong with
tuly And don't you want like thesupport, you know what I'm saying.
I mean, like the other partof that to unlearned that, I guess
because it's not hard to do.It's just hard to unlearn it because it's
been positioned. And then even withthe effort of trying to like let men

(27:12):
know, like no, really no, you have so many men who were
like quit trying to get us toshare our feelings, Like there's like movements.
Yeah. I literally saw a commonthe other day that was like,
men, don't fall for this becausethe moment you let it down, she's
never good. I'm like, doyou know how wildly scary that is?
Like, yeah, I just feellike that's that all connects to this idea,

(27:40):
which is a really imperialist idea.And it's at the end of the
day, it's not even just imperialists, but this idea that women are really
only like meant for property value,and that we are not fully like thinking,
breathing vessels, and the idea thatyou would trust someone to birth the
baby, that you would give everythingbut not to handle your feelings is bonkers.

(28:03):
But it's also like women, wealso need to be very practiced at
how to handle feelings because we're inthe same patriarchal system and we be perpetuating
that bullshit too. Dann nigga,why are you crying? You know?
Or damn nigga, why are youcrying? You know? You know the
rachidemics. It's like, stop AndI feel like the softness that we all

(28:26):
deserve for each other, we haveto give for each other. Like I
know that even in being able tosay like, Okay, I have an
issue with something like I would bemet with like I don't want to be
like you. I don't want tobe somebody who complains or who has an
issue with things, and like he'slooking at me like there's something wrong with
me for stating when I don't likesomething, etc. But that all goes

(28:49):
back to your trauma because you grewup in a space where when you did
that, you were scolded for thatright. And I just think that we
all have so much work through somuch, and also that it's a human
experience. It is not a Isay this so much on the show,
it's not a woman experience. It'snot a man experience. Like we all

(29:11):
need to be able to be likelet it out. We all need to
have room to do that. Likeyou have tear ducks, my guy,
it's like your heart free stacks.Yeah, Okay, if you cry,
God literally made you to do so. So on Cat Williams interview on that
show on CB, he is likesaying, uh, he had said something

(29:34):
in passing that a lot of menwere like catching latching onto. Even though
the thought it got expounded upon,they just latched onto this first little part
where he said a lot of womendon't get men because they are acting like
men. Right, So then Iasked my like instagram like, so men,
I just want to hear from y'all. I mean, so many women
failed the need to chime men.I'm just like I didn't ask y'all.

(29:56):
We also got to stop that.We got got that's part of me a
safe space, right yep. Andso many men were like listing the ways
in which that the ways in whichthey felt women act like men, and
all of them had examples that weresimply just things that are toxic toxic masculinity,

(30:17):
like you know, just being competitive, you know, just try trying
to run shit to you know,trying to question things. And I'm like,
this is if this is women actinglike men? Is it okay when
men do me? Yes? Yes, I remember this post. I remember
this post and like, no answer. None. I mean the issue is
that what we're taught as men.Well, a lot of men think that

(30:37):
the title of leader of being aman is a title that's just given,
I guess, and not earned,like when it comes to like relationships.
So if a man is like,you should submit to me. He's like,
because I'm a man, just becausebecause this is my gender, you
should submit to me and give upall control and have me lead. But
if it's like, if you haven'tproven that I can trust, if you

(31:00):
haven't shown up consistently time over time, over time over time, why would
I submit to you? Why amI? Why do I have to submit
that? That is a weird word. Like it's like, why can't we
support each other and know that youhave your strengths and I have my strengths.
Like your dicking balls does not giveyou leadership shills, broy true,

(31:22):
Like I can tell you, likethere's things that I'm really good at that
like my partner is just maybe notgood at, Like, but there's also
things that they may be really goodat that I'm not good at. And
it's not even anything gender based.I'm a really effective leader. I am
an MC. I move crowds,right, So, like if we had

(31:45):
to be in a situation, we'reI to move shit, you know,
move crowds. Like, so becauseyou're the man, we're gonna expect you
to be better at that. No, we got the movettle crowd. Like,
so you don't think there there shouldbe a tiered structure in the household.
I don't even know. This isbonkers to me, Like, I
just don't. I don't know whythat's necessary, because we have seen time

(32:07):
and time again when we actually talkto our elders that that isn't actually the
real way that things were working.Like in some like Okay, the man
had this like status that was givento him by society, by society,
but then in one household, likeGranny was actually handling all the bills,
you know, and actually running allof that. In fact, Grandpa couldn't

(32:30):
even read, so he can't countthe money, right yep. Then you
know, you have another household whereit's like, Okay, the man's supposed
to be the one who's the farmer, but Granny was the one who actually
had the green thumb, you knowwhat I'm saying. And then I just
think that when we look at likethis idea that men are at the head
of the household, I think thatthat's like the idea about that is protectiveness,

(32:52):
et cetera. But I don't knowwhy that has to be contended with
the head that to me ends upbeing about dominance. And I feel like
that because that's what patriarchy is.Patriot is about dominance. And I know
niggas in the comments right now likesee that's why she's single, and it's
like, yeah, that is exactlywhy I'm single because we live in a
society that hasn't caught up to womenlike me, bars and I know that,

(33:16):
and so many women in the commentsare like yes, because there's there
are men who have caught up andthey are in loving, healthy relationships with
women who are bad about it orat it. Yeah, I think so
too. I just I think there'sno one size fits all. You have
to do what works for your household. If that structured that him here,

(33:38):
you there kids, If that's whatworks for y'all, right, great,
but that is not the blanketed Youcannot just paint that with a with a
big brush. You can't even whenwe just look at like people just love
to throw things out there, likewhat about Africa? And I'm like,
okay, so there would be householdsyou know that had like three wives,
right, but it's not always thefirst wife who was the most loved,

(34:00):
right, or who was the mostskilled or whatever. Like we are humans,
we are so complex, Like thereis no just like you know,
blanket way of putting things, andfor the most part those efforts that have
been made were made to control peoplelike Henry the Eighth literally started a whole
other church because niggas wuldn't let himgetting get married to Ambolin, like they'll

(34:23):
just change rules when it doesn't fit. That doesn't work. He was married,
like completely married. Lady was inSpain, like we married, and
he was like, nah, I'mtrying to get a divorced. They were
like, you can't get a divorce. Not by the Church of England.
No, I think he started theChurch of England. They were like,
by the Catholic Church, you can'tget divorced. He was like watch this,
watch me work. Then started awhole other church just to marry a

(34:45):
woman. Then he beheaded, Solike when are we eating out what it
is? It's just the way yousaid it. So ultimately, like all
of this stuff is really m malleable, you know, it's it's malleable,
like it's only in place for likethe little the little people because the people

(35:08):
at the top making the decisions aboutwhat we get to do. I'm still
trying to digest at all because it'soverwhelming to think like, oh, so
we do have choice. Like evengender, which the whole other topic than
this episode, but like, evengender is a ma It's literally a made
up thing. Like it's just aconstruct, and we live in a society

(35:31):
that has accepted that construct, andso thus people are like, well,
I like that construct, so let'shold on to it. But you still
have to acknowledge it is a construct. Though, it's just that you like
it. Yeah, it just fits. It works for you, It's worked
for a long time. I wantto go back to this smart woman,
dumb girl like thing. I wantedto talk about that too. Why am

(35:52):
I so good at my work andso bad at my house? Why?
Like? What are what are?Because clearly I almost imped out of my
chair because I've done it. I'vedone it, and I do not want
to repeat it. But you knowwhat it made me think about. And
it was an interview I can't rememberwhere it was, but I believe it
was Tyler Perry who was talking aboutlike they're with women in his that he

(36:15):
knows that are very well set up, Like they have everything. They have
a great career, they have money, they're very wealthy. The only thing
they don't have is a person andthey are with a man who is really
good to them, right good tothem based on his definition, but they
can't like contribute financially. And Ithink sometimes that that's such a limited as

(36:37):
it is a very very limited contribution, but also a very limited perspective around
the relationship because you don't really know. No, that's what I was saying.
Yeah, not the contribution part.But that's a limited perspective. Yes,
this it's a very limited perspective.But I feel like that those women
or because I'm gonna put myself inthat group too. Clearly, I'm not

(36:58):
a millionaire by far, but oftentimesI have out earned the men that I've
dated. I've and not for anyother reason than I made better choices perhaps,
or maybe I was just in theright place at the right time.
Maybe they just weren't afforded that,whatever the reasons were, And I found
that in majority of those dynamics,that dumb girl thing overpowered or it's just

(37:21):
like, oh, I'm really smartand I know how to process this and
I can fix them and I canpush them in this direction. But that
was a dumb thing I thought Iwas actually sometimes Yeah, because I was,
I was like that was a dumbthing. I don't think that was
a dumb not know, not thatbecause he didn't make more than me.
But when that was the dynamic,I felt like, well, I just
need to bring him along, likeI just need and and he wasn't even

(37:43):
showing that he should have been broughta hardy It was the It was the
I feel like I can because Idon't really I don't need you to help
me pay my bills. I don'tneed you to contribute to this, So
that's cool. You could just kindof like doing shit for people that didn't
ask us to do it for them, it for theirselves. That's the same.

(38:06):
That's a whole circle back exactly,like I'm over here loving you more
than you're loving yourself. Like,but I mean, the smart woman's girl
concept is really just this idea alsothat like the skills that make us effective
in our work life aren't helpful inour love life. I'm like, I
remember a scenario where I was havinga conversation with the brother where I was

(38:34):
toe to toe with him in termsof like he's saying something, I'm like,
well, you know that I havea retort because I know what I'm
talking about and he just got sokerfuffled and he was just like, oh
my god, like I just it'sjust it's too much. And I was
like, what is too much?He's like, I mean I'm trying to
talk to you, and I waslike, yeah, I'm talking back to

(38:57):
you. But I wasn't emotional,like it was like we're just having I
mean, I would say it washeated, but we weren't like raising our
voices or anything, but like Iwas keeping up. Yeah, and he
was like, it's just you know, you're just like you're just doing too
much. And that made me emotionalbecause that made me feel like damn,

(39:19):
like I'm literally just talking to youand it's just and now I'm getting insulted,
right, So then I started crying. Well, now he know what
to do. Once I became anemotional blob of a girl. Now it
was now you can have compassion.Now you can like see where I'm coming
from, or now you even careto see where I'm coming from. And

(39:39):
that made me feel like, oh, so you need me to feel you
need to meet, You need meto be like low key in a smaller
place than you, like, youneed to meet, You need to feel
like I'm impaired even though I'm not. But like you, you need to
feel like that to be able tohandle me. What's that? And so

(40:01):
like that felt like when I wasin my smart woman phase, I was
too much Right. When I'm speakingto you logically and we're having on exchange,
you know, I'm responding to whatyou're saying very clearly and thoughtfully.
Listen, this is how I sound, right, I sound like I don't
have a vagina or foods or anything. I'm just an AI machine. But
now that I'm over here, likeyeah, yeah, now it's come here,

(40:27):
come here, groh, go sweetsweetheart. He was from Brooklyn.
Yeah, like I just you knowwhat else y'all doing that? Smart woman?
Dumb girl face? Y'all listen toyour homeboys? Could they be trying
to tell you a lot of times? Like listen and then y'all will just

(40:52):
go. I got so many homegirlsyou're telling him, like, bro,
is not it at all? Helying to you? But then y'all just
let me think, Well, no, when you were doing it, you
were lying. But he's a greatverson. I had a homeboy who so
you know, like the folks onthe street that are unable to get mental

(41:13):
health help, yeah, will labelthem like oh, like that's crazy Jody
or etc. Etc. But they'dbe saying real shit, yeap. I
had a homeboy who who was unableto get mental health help, and he,
like you know, was just havinglike episodes. And he pulled up
at my mom's house one day andstarted telling my mom like, yo,

(41:34):
you got to get her away fromhim, like her her light has dimmed
since she's been with him, likeher crown has shifted or whatever. And
I was like, what who ishe? First of all, I'm like,
why are you pulling to my mom'shouse? Like you know? But
I and I didn't know that atthat time that he was in a mental
health space. I thought he waslike on streams or some shit. Nonetheless,
if I'm being honest either way,I would have been like what But

(41:58):
he was right. He was right, But you're so right, And now
I actually now I go straight tomy boys, Like my homeboys saved me
so much time recently because I hithim and was like do you feel about
this person? And he was like, oh, that's a cornball, Like
that's a full on cornball, AndI was like, okay, okay,

(42:20):
in what fashion and talk to mehow you got to say? So I
don't have to ask you again.I'll just know how to figure. So
he like ran it down. Nowdid I still proceed? Absolutely? But
you were now aware. So nowwhen the cornballery showed up, I took
myself out of it. I waslike, oh, yes he is,

(42:44):
Yeah, he was a cornball tohelp y'all. I don't get. It's
that glade of like, no,it's hope. It's both like we really
want to be loved and want tolove. Like it's so funny. Like
people ask me people like, oh, I'm sure your dms are blowing up.
No they're not. It's just anassumption that people have quiet. My

(43:07):
dms are full of Palestine and puppieslike those are my dms, Like there's
nobody, and anytime a man doescome in my DM, they're so wild
it's extreme. It is like adicture. I had an mancome my DMS recently
and was like, you need todate a regular nigga, and I was

(43:29):
like, actually, I've done quitea bit of that and I'm not regular,
so I don't know why that wouldbe what I need to date.
Uh, your shade is so good. It's just so good. I don't
pay attention. Okay. I justremember when you did your documentary here in
DC and you were talking after andyou were talking about your investment in black

(43:52):
and black men. I should havereturns by this point. Okay, I
have invested. And that's why whenpeople say wild shit to me, like
a man is hates black men,I'm like, check my record, you
know, you know how the politiciansjust be like, check my voting record,
and I'm like, check my moneyrecord. Okay, check my time
record. I should be getting Amazongift cards from women who are with these

(44:15):
men now saying thank you for thetime that you put into Hussein, you
know what I mean. Like that'swhere it should be. Like, no,
I've given niggas careers, literal careers, and be like, all right,
go up in the world. Besomebody like that at that needs to
be your next skit, Like youknow, commercials. I feel like you

(44:35):
need to do that. Like ifyou've had the benefit of being upgraded and
taken care of by a man ofsells, listen and they know who they
are, they know who they are. Welcome, I listen. It's and
sometimes it's monetary sometimes just education.Oh yeah, like it it can be
so much just this game, youknow, just even just like you should
get a therapist, right and likenow they're like in therapy. But I

(45:00):
mean I've also had the benefit toof like exits who became homies and like
seeing their growth. And that's alsolike really great because we're able to continuously
like show and see each other likeyou know, elevate. But I just
feel like there's this idea that onethat like women are turning down like so

(45:25):
many great men, and I'm justlike, that's not I don't think that's
I don't know what it is becauseI'm I'm I'm not turning down great men.
I'm turning down the men that shouldbe turned down. I'm turning down
the ones that are turned down bywhack niggas, like by ones they shouldn't.

(45:46):
Even then you question your like,oh, I'm absolutely in that phase
right now? Is that possible?I'm not as fly as I think.
I like, I have to goback to therapy for a number of reasons,
but also because I was like,oh, like my self esteem is
shot shot. I know when yourbackups, like nah, I'm good that

(46:09):
self esteem like somebody you always knew, like I never had backups. But
I will say that like at thispoint, all of us have that person
we know can call that can belike nah, you still the baddest,
and you're like, it's when thatperson's That's what it actually is. It's
when you're your person. It's notmaking you actually feel better because typically and

(46:30):
you can go back to that personand you're like, yeah, I am,
Yeah, I'm a fly ass.And now they say it to you
and you're like, well, youactually don't want to consider some things.
So how do you remain hopeful?Like do you like how that I am
at this point really hopeful for what? Like who knows the next time I'm

(46:51):
going to have sex? Like really, let's be real, who knows.
I mean, let's be honest.I mean if you want to, if
you just wanted to have sex withme and you can have sex, like
stop like like like we we arenot going to do that. Think so
like like like the sex that Imean, just the act at this point,
it needs to be the sex Iwant. Okay, understandable, Yes,

(47:13):
thinking pussy game, it's just awaste of time. Okay, we
snickers. I get that. Isaid, I've read that Snickers then like
waste the waste the cookies on likesomething that doesn't deserve it. I thought
you were rather watching like Niggers witha hard R And I was like,
what is she saying? Would ratherhave a Snickerly? Sometimes I would just
rather be home under the blanket,Like I don't even want to do the

(47:36):
sport of like playing a game justto have a quick little sex moment,
like like one person that from thepast that you can always go to that
just yes, you don't want todo that. You're in your twenties,
like your past is you're barely outof your thirties, but your twenties is
yesterday. Last year was your twenties, So like your past is very like

(47:58):
short and and most of those peopleare probably still in that same part of
their life. I'm now forty two, so like my past, like people
have moved on in their lives,like people are in marriages. Can't just
go back, I said, Likewe've moved out of that phase, like
the whole phase. Everybody was inthe whole phase at one time together.

(48:20):
Now there may be some scragglers andyou're looking at them like, no,
don't even know why I did it. Maybe I'm okay, no, like
I tried to talk to a politicianfor a moment, but then it was
just like his stances weren't where theyneed to be, you know what.
That's what actually deaded it. Butwhat should have debdited it was when he

(48:42):
was like, you know, I'mgonna come to LA and like take you
on a date. And I waslike, oh, wow, like I
deserve that, so yes, thatwould be lovely. And then I was
like, where do you stay whenyou come to LA. He's like,
oh, I'm a Marriott kind ofguy. I was like, oh,
that's what's up. There's actually aMarriotte like around like my way, so
you know, that'd be convenient tolike stay over here to go to dinner
and stuff. And so later inthe conversation, I was talking about how
like, since the breakup, Iwas actually like painting my house and the

(49:05):
colors that I wanted to because inthe relationship he was always like, oh,
I'm a minimalist, so I wasbeing respectful of the fact that we're
sharing a space. And he waslike, so you got all these rooms
and I got to stay at aMaria make it make sense, dog,
sir, that should have been theend that also, you know, Okay,
the number one reason the niggas hollerat me, that they'll tell me

(49:28):
is because they feel challenged by me. And I do not want discourse.
I want intercourse, Like I don'tknow what that is, but I have
had multiple men be like yeah,Like what turns them on about me is
like they feel like there's going tobe something, yes, like there's going

(49:49):
to be a tussle. They wantas yes. And so then when I
don't give that because contrary to whatpeople believe, like when I'm with a
man, I don't speak to themthe way I speak about the occupation of
Palestine, which people think that likethe passion that I have about that,
Like, yeah, I'm not speakingto my man with that tone. When

(50:12):
I'm you're saying that you're actually irritatedtoo, like if you're speaking in that
manner. So if they want youto speak to them in that way,
it's not a thing I'm responding.So like they when they don't get that
from me, like for some reason, that's what they are wanting, but
I'm showing up in softness, theywill then try to trigger it, so

(50:36):
they'll neg me. You know whatnegging is, so they'll try and neg
me. And like that was wildto experience. Like we were on the
phone and like when he like thisdude, he had called me when I
was driving and I was listening toa try called quest Record, and so
when I answered the phone, Iwas like, back in the days on
the Bulevard of Linden, we usedto get routines when the presence was fitten.
He was like, ugh, you'rerapping. That's so annoying. He

(51:00):
just wanted to just wanted to arguelike that's you know, I remember like
we were and this is over thecourse of just one week, and then
we're on the phone and he waslike, I was like, you know,
I would love to send you somevideos about palestime because I feel like
there's like information that you're missing thatcould be really helpful and just forming an

(51:23):
opinion because he was saying that hejust didn't know how to think about it,
he just knew how to feel aboutit. And I was like,
you know, I do feel thatyou, you know, respect my mind,
and he went for now, girl, I just so no, oh,
yes, yes, because I haveself esteem issues yeah, smart woman.

(51:47):
Smart woman girl. Also because I'mso trained, some in part by
you people on this internet to notcome off as like too hard or too
short or too sharp. So Iwill allow mistreatment to not look like I
am a certain way. You'll takeit. It's very dangerous, you'll take

(52:08):
it, yes, And so youknow, I'm trying to be better to
myself of like mm hmm. Sothen like we ended up stopping talking because
he was like, actually, I'mgonna run scenario biole because you're probably gonna
be tell me I'm tripping. Butit's fine. I can't wait. Let's
hear it this scenario. So okay, So first off, let me just
tell you that at first, thefirst reason it ended was because that next

(52:31):
morning he had called me in themorning at like on a Saturday morning,
and I, well, no,I had texted him and was like,
hey, I told you about thoselinks I was going to send you.
You said it was okay, SoI'm not sure what you don't know,
so I'm kind of like shooting inthe dark. And he replied back and
said, well, you're mistaking you'reconfusing me, saying I don't know how
to feel about it. With Idon't know okay, and I said,

(52:52):
oh, I guess I just assumedyou didn't know how to feel about it
because you needed more information. Andhe said, well, that's not an
assumption you should have made. Hewas a smart that happened, Yes,
very smart. So this happened ontext and he calls me and he's like,
man, you starting early. AndI was like, well, the
the Genesis didn't stop because I wentto sleep. So I just that's how

(53:15):
I've been living since October seventh,Like I go to sleep, I wake
up, I'm like consuming right,Like this is where we are living.
And I don't know when this isgoing to air, but like, I
mean I came in to do thistoday and saw that they were like,
yeah, we're about to obliterate therest of the Palestinians. So like,
if you're into trying to understand somethinglike you're in it, I'm a cancer.
We like, yeah, long storyshort. He was like, well,

(53:37):
yeah, like I felt like youwere making an assumption and you're really
just trying to send me these videosbecause you want me to think about it
the way you want to think aboutit. And I was like, well,
there's really only one moral way tothink about this, and ultimately like,
you're not gonna fuck me if youdon't think that way about it,
right, And I'm just keeping itabout the fuck okay, and uh he

(54:02):
was like, well, you know, I don't even got time for this,
and then I was like, Igotta clear. But so then when
we clicked, I text him Isaid, you know, I guess there's
because there was just things we justdidn't have in common. I was like,
you know, I guess we havemore things not in common than I
thought, including like our ideology onintegrity. And he replied back and said,

(54:27):
don't tell me about integrity when youwon't even have a conversation now,
mind you. I had been tryingto have this conversation. R Yeah,
clearly. So I let that rockfor a day, and then the next
day I texted and said I wouldlike to have a conversation because you know,
I'm a glutton for punishment. Yeah, yep, I hate that.
By the way, though, Well, Dre, I'm glad we're friends.

(54:49):
So I said, like to havea conversation and he never responded until I
did Celebrity Jeopardy. Then I geta text. I get a text on
celebrity Jepard should should? I haveresponded no, but I am got him
for punishment father issues. That's mynineties version. So we got on the

(55:15):
phone and we actually had a veryinteresting conversation where he did take accountability for
his behavior and all of that,and it was just like, you know,
I really didn't handle that properly,and I thought so many times about
calling you, and then I wouldstop and just for the men out there,
like, don't say that to people. Keep that to yourself. That
sounds crazy. Why are you notcalling? What's gonna happen? What's the

(55:38):
worst thing that could happen? Idon't answer. I don't answer. Do
you think I'm gonna scream on you? Like? I was like, this
is this on a phone call?So if I do, you can hang
out. I think he was tryingto excuse the absence by saying that he
had thought about him multiple times.Possibly No, it's not a Brownie point.
Nope. So then he goes,well, you know, I got
to tell you this, but youknow I'm gonna say, I'm gonna just

(56:00):
say it one time. You knowwhat I'm saying. If you tell anybody,
I'm gonna deny it like ship.He was like, it was very
difficult not to call you. Boy, this is a very game. Are
you ready for the answer to thereal love scenario that just like that trying

(56:23):
to run game? Yes, Ihate it. Listen, he got the
I don't want to get jail.I mean I do anything. You don't
see anything? Is that your people? He's He's like, I need fine
me. I played football. SoI just was like, so anyways,

(56:51):
we got off the phone with theto me, We got off the phone,
like, okay, so we're wecleared the air and we will resume,
Yes, okay, because I ama redemptive person, by the way,
so like some of it is myglutton for punishment, but some of
it is like I really believe thebest in people, and like we all
have missteps. So the same waythat like maybe I shouldn't have hung up

(57:15):
the phone, I'm asking for usto have a conversation. Right, So
the next day I don't hear fromhim all day. This is my real
live scenario. Y'all are gonna belike I told you she was crazy so
prepared. So I texted him andwas like, Hey, did I not

(57:37):
hear from you today? Because youwere busy or because you were like questioning
whether or not you should hit me. And he was like, oh man,
it's just been a crazy day,you know what I'm saying, Like
there's just been so much going on. Now, let me just say this.
My homegirls a gun a coologist,And one time I called her and
she answered the phone and said,Hey, I'm elbows deep in a uterus?

(57:58):
Can I call you back? SoI don't ever want to hear nobody
tell me who cares about me?Like, yo, I was too busy,
like and we got text and DMand all the things. Now did
you forget that happens right? Like, oh my god, I kept saying,
I kept telling myself that I needto hit you, and I just
kept getting pulled into I apologize.No, I was just so busy,

(58:22):
you know, I'm saying, etcetera, etcetera. So I thought about that,
y'all, and I wanted to beokay with that. But I wasn't
okay with that because I feel like, if you know that you exactly like
you said yesterday, like played yourselfand you know you actually acted out of
pocket and you ruined the opportunity forthis, then to me, I feel

(58:45):
like this second chance should be treatedwith preciousness. And so if you're not
going to hit me all day thenext day and then say it's because you're
busy and not even be like youup now or or anything like that,
there's no preciousness there. And soI thought about it, and I was

(59:05):
like, am I going to soundlike a crazy bitch? Maybe? And
then I texted and I say,you know what, Actually it's fine.
Like if we were really starting backagain, which is what I thought was
happening, then I would have expectedto hear from you. But clearly I
had a different indication of what lastnight's conversation was. And so it's all
good, Like I'll catch you inthe mix. He hits me back and

(59:28):
says, Okay, this is alot, and I said perhaps perhaps,
and he said i'll call you later. And I have never heard from him
since. You might the right decision. But he said i'll call you later,
and I have never heard from himsince. So I made the right
decision. Yes, yes, Butdid I sound like a crazy bitch?

(59:53):
I don't think you sounded like acrazy bitch. I think that if I
was you writing into the show andyou wrote that whole thing, and I
would have said, maybe three interactionsago, that it was time to be
done with it. It was evenlike the like the redemptive thing. I
appreciate, but when you were talkingabout this, it made it made me

(01:00:15):
think about a guy I was datingvery briefly and we got on the topic
of having a child who is transand they learned this when they're very young.
I was. I watched Jody Patterson'sstory with her her with her Yes,
her son, my podcast Small Doses. She's amazing, and I was
so inspired by this and I hadjust watched it. I'm telling him about

(01:00:35):
it and I'm like, yes,I'm like, I's like and then it
just brings up the conversation like wouldyou know if this were you, like,
how do you think you would handleit as a parent. And his
reaction told me, I cannot proceed. I cannot go past go. He
can have his feelings about it,which, as you can imagine, he's
like, I would not be okaywith it, like my child cannot,

(01:00:55):
my son would never he could.I would be this, he would have
to leave my house. Okay.Yes. So so with that set,
fundamentally, we were not on thesame page, and so when you have
found that out specifically around Palestine,because I think he was giving off the
per he was giving enough clues thathe did not feel the way that I

(01:01:15):
will say this. When we hadour redemptive convo, he was like,
you were right about that, andI and thank you for inspiring me to
actually get in the weeds. Andnow I understand got it. And being
that that's been so many people's story, right, Like I just had somebody

(01:01:35):
DM me the other day, likewhen you said on October seventh, what
you said, I was so angrywith you, Like I felt like you
had betrayed me. And you know, for three weeks I was just like
a man of seals on some bsand then I had to check myself to
someone in in my DMS. Theysaid they checked themselves because they were like,
you literally agree with her on likeeverything else, so like maybe it's
worth researching. And they said thatthey literally committed themselves to research for an

(01:01:59):
hour. And with an hour,we're like, oh, so that's part
of why I was like, buthow he was handling it was just that's
it was too much like you couldsay like even like oh, you're you
at it early, It's like whyeven be honest? Though, yes,
I think that they're so okay.So I'm a public figure, and that

(01:02:29):
adds a whole other thing to likemy just life, right, because like
I have to worry about my world, and then I'm worrying about the world,
and then I'm worrying about how theworld is worrying about my world.
That's a lot of other things.That's a lot and so like dating is
like a weird thing that I don'tnecessarily have insight into because it's like,

(01:02:52):
it's not just about if someone hasenough money or to feel to feel comfortable
being with me. It's not justabout if someone has the like intel,
et cetera, or the positioning.So like this was somebody who seemed like
a possibility because they had like theyhad an eduction, like the education level,
like they had like the the theywere established in their career, et

(01:03:14):
cetera. And that just feels likeit's such a small bucket because it is,
right, So I think I wasstill I was trying to like,
come on, it's so close,yes, please, yeah, And it's
just but I don't I think there'sjust like you said, like there was
just so there were just flags forall of that from the beginning. When

(01:03:37):
you say, so you gotta yougot a house, but I gotta stay
at the Marryott nigga. Yeah,like yes, because you should. I'm
want you should want to take aboutthat. You would not have stayed at
the Marriotte if you had got yourass here and had a great dinner.
Don't tell them nothing, don't tellthem nothing. I just I you know,

(01:03:58):
I have to because so many ofus deserve this, Like shut the
fuck up, shut up, showup, shut up, and show up,
shut up, shut up. It'sso real, like you don't need
to, like you're all your egois so in the way, and like
what's the goal. I don't evenknow what the goal is for some of
these men anymore. I don't.It used to be pussy, and now

(01:04:20):
it's clearly not not that either,because the amount of ship they're doing to
not get pussy, it's beyond myscope of comprehension. Maybe they don't know
how to that. No, theseare men that I know that they're getting.
I know people's who's pussies they've beenin. Just like so you know,

(01:04:44):
it's it's a very kind of likewhere do we go from here.
Well, my perspective on it is, I don't mind you giving the extra
chances. I don't think there wasa lot at stake, Like he wasn't
in person, It wasn't like youwere having sex or anything like that.
It was just a few conversations thatwere exchange. So even a second chance
is just an additional conversation. Andthen I can see, you know,

(01:05:05):
sometimes you get into a situation thatyou may have thought, like than I
had, I put that person onshort leash, and maybe I didn't give
them a chance. So then whenhe came and apologized and said, you
know, after looking it over,you're like, that's a redeeming quality.
Maybe some people need time, right, some people need a little time to
just digest think to figure it out. Yeah, But I think once you

(01:05:28):
got to the point to where youwere done, I think that's fine.
Because I think there's standard things thatpeople have in relationships that we universally say
you should and shouldn't do, likecommunicate, trust is a big thing in
relationships. You should be honest.But I think I think that's why I
said that, probably, But Ithink outside of those main things, everything

(01:05:49):
else is just particular to you andwhat you like. And I think that
when it came to, you know, the guy that you were talking to,
there were certain things internally for youthat just didn't work. So you
saying, you know, I reallyshould have ended it. And this is
a lesson that I will carry withmyself moving forward. People telling themselves all

(01:06:12):
the time. Yep. Within thefirst conversation, he referred to himself as
an asshole, but I'm a niceasshole. Interesting, and then he told
a story where he was mean tosomething, like he was mean to someone
he was dating, and I waslike, that was mean, and he
was like, you know, we'refriends now, so like we cleared it
up, and I was like,yeah, but like that was mean.
Yes, And that is actually whenI should have been like, Amanda,

(01:06:36):
this isn't for you. Was hesomebody who's known you for a long time
or was he more somebody who knewI guess you're a persona or saw you
publicly and that was how you guyscame to know each other. Because I
wonder if he said and that hewas somehow relating to you or no,
he wasn't saying that to relate tome, like he was just we were

(01:06:57):
on a panel together at an event, and I mean I think that I
think that he was maybe relating tolike you mean, like by him calling
himself an asshole, like, oh, you're an asshole, an asshole,
I think he may have thought that, like you understand, right, like

(01:07:19):
just based off of the persona right, It's like you genuinely can't remember the
context. But you know, what'ssomething that's also a weird flag. And
I won't call it necessarily a redflag, but it's a weird flag when
you're a public person. Is I'mnot just a public person. I am
a legit artist. Like I wantto shout out my homeboy, Wilmo Big

(01:07:40):
Wilmo reminded me the other day.He was like, I just want you
to remember because it came up likein his like Facebook reminder thing. He
was like, your HBO comedy specialcame out on this day five years ago.
You have been working at the highestlevel for thirty years, like you
started on Nickelod, Like you've beenworking at the highest level for thirty years.

(01:08:01):
He was like, that's not acommon thing that people have done.
And I I've never thought of itthat way. And I was like,
God damn, I am an iconand I have a breath of work.
So when someone is trying to hollerat me and it's like, yeah,
I don't want to learn about youor your work, like I want to
learn about you from you, LikeI don't want to look at your work.

(01:08:21):
That's like a weird flag because Iam so I am an artist.
I've lived through my work. Sofor you to not want to explore that,
that's not my ego. That makesyou want to know my work like
that's my heart, yes, yes, yes, my art is my heart.

(01:08:41):
It is because you are an artistthat it is very different because I
have the perspective of I don't wantI don't want you to learn me from
that. But I'm also not anartist, right, Like I have a
corporate nine to five outside of Right, don't want you to learn me through
that because that's just business, that'spaper. That's like yes, but when
you're an artist, it is itis a part of your fabric. It
is a part of who you are. But some people have that balance of

(01:09:03):
like, oh, if I'm talkingto somebody like you, I can't approach
you like a fan. But youdon't have to be a fan but you
do have to be a fan,yes, yes, yes, so you
do have to be a fan,not like a celebrity you met. Yeah,
Like, I don't mean a fan, like you know you're gonna interview
me at dinner, but you bestbelieve I'm gonna be my niggas biggest fan.

(01:09:25):
If you ever run into my exask to ask about me, I
am his biggest fan. I willsit here today and tell you that's one
of the most talented producers on thisearth. He asshole and he ain't shit
but on an end, yes,but that man is gifted as fuck,
you know, and I will nevertake that from him. That man is

(01:09:47):
a skilled, gifted audio engineer.Is that part of the frustration when it
comes to the relationship too, It'slike I see the potential there that's not
even potential, that is actual,that's actual that can translate into providing more
for you. I guess how youcan take that talent because some people have
the talent in the building. AndI was just looking at him like,

(01:10:08):
why aren't you for me? Likewhy aren't doing this for you? Like
there'd be times where he's playing beatsin the house. I'm coming, I
come in the room, like Iremember crying one time because I was like,
I don't know why the world,like I wish the world could hear
your music, like you're so good, like you're so fucking good, like
he did some of the music formy documentary, and then we broke up

(01:10:30):
and he dropped the fucking ball andleft and left me hanging and quit in
the middle of it, and Iwas left with having to learn how to
line up the ship, like Ihad to learn a whole new skill because
of this nigga. And I justwant to shout out my other homeboy,
Willard Hill, who swooped in andactually helped me complete the music, because
artists don't leave artists hanging. Andthat's why he will never be truly successful,

(01:10:54):
because you can have all the skillin the world, but if you
don't have the heart of your art, it will never actually win. And
I don't care what kind of breakupwe had, you don't leave my ship
hanging, because that's your authors,your are, Like you don't want that
out there, you feel me wouldin your heart like yeah, like I

(01:11:15):
don't care what you know, likeand so but I would never like take
that from from him, And Ijust feel like there's something so pure in
like artists creating, you know,And so when you get to meet somebody
that does that, if you don'tsee that in them, then you actually
aren't really approaching them. And youhave such the opportunity with someone like myself

(01:11:40):
to know that before you even getto me, you have a cheat code
to like actually learn me in areal way. So like why not why
not explore that? Why not explorethat? You know, don't don't don't
tell me about and I'm not.And that's the thing. It's like I've
had to accept, like Amanda,you had a different experience in this life,
like you our Republic figure, Likeit's not the same. You can

(01:12:01):
keep trying to act like you andthe Peanut Gallery nigga you not? Do
you not? So what's the correctapproach? Like somebody was like, I'm
interested in Amanda. Do they slidein the dms? Do they come up
to you in person when they seeyou? Like, how should they approach
a power point presentation? And whatmoney and escro that's what you said.

(01:12:23):
I had a Ganyang driver picked meup from the airport, and I don't
know how we got in this conversationyou played too much. So Slide one
shows you where I was like,this is what I this is what I
would like for us. Like onslide ten, we get to the future.
This is the other thing to tellme how you feel about this real

(01:12:45):
love scenario. Si, Manda's gotto do the theme song hold the money,
We'll start to go. It's onthe camera, on the camera,
you heard it, Okay, Iwould the first the second. At this

(01:13:13):
point in my life, I'm notinterested in people who are approaching me casually,
Like I'm not saying like I likelow key, like you need to
be pressed. What does that looklike? That looks like consistency and intentionalism.
That looks like I want to guessif you like me. I want
to know you like me. Mmhmmmm. You're already arriving liking me.

(01:13:39):
You're arriving liking me right, Likewe're not doing a like you're going to
figure out if you love me,but you're already arriving with like because you've
seen how I move in the world. You've already observed, You've already done
your your Instagram forensic specialist, rightyeah, you n CSI my my,

(01:14:02):
damn, it's like you already seewhat it is you've already like said,
like, that's the type of youknow woman, you know I would like
to entertain. And I say thisbecause a revolutionary woman's will I say this
because a revolutionary woman's love will notbe one passively Like I don't exist in
this world passively, So do notcome at me passively and don't give me

(01:14:24):
another task. Please watch your cashso I can send you a little offer,
like, don't add to my tasks, you know, like our interaction
should be a relief, you know, when they say be there, be
his peace, be my piece,piece, I will be your piece.
Yes, all I want is tobe a nigga piece. Please too far

(01:14:48):
away? Please, I'm a peacefulnigga baby. Okay what I'm a part
of? What? Can we watchon the couch? Click? Like that's
the click I'm in? Can wehand on the couch? You want kettle
or butter? Share? Right?Can we share the blanket? Can we

(01:15:08):
put our feet together? Yes,let's watch another one. Let's cuddle?
Do you want to stop? No? Like? Part of the reason me
and stay together so long is becausewe had an incredibly extensive watch habit.
Like one thing about us that wegot right, was niggas know how to
watch a show. Yeah, youknow, shout out to the piky fucking
blind does like that nigga would bedown to watch. Like when we started

(01:15:30):
Peaky Blinders, it was like wewould watch that shit on the plane,
like wherever. Like he was downfor that. But I think that that's
something I've had to just become veryhonest with myself and not like shade myself
for Like, no, like youyou show up ready? Yeah, so
show up ready. I'm not sayingyou're showing up to live with me or

(01:15:51):
to be like in a I'm noteven saying we're showing up to claim each
other. Yeah, but show upwith intention and on a basic level,
show up how show up knowing howto treat me? Yes, you know
that's why I went. Homie waslike, I will come to LA and
take you out because that's what youdeserve. I'm like, correct, that
is right, and I will behere. And I bought a dress for

(01:16:14):
that outing Damn I returned it.Okay, fair enough, I do have
a date dress. I have alook for the for the first date I
next one. Yes, okay,good, some day you're gonna end up
taking somebody. It's gonna happen.I want you to keep that because it's
gonna happen. And let me tellyou that dress is a motherfucking problem.
It is. It is. Imean, I'm just saying I'm in shape

(01:16:35):
kind of gal and it's to getit's gonna do the things. But I
just think that that's something. Theseare like things I've had to like be
honest with myself about right, LikeI have really good homeboys and I was
telling my homeboy the story of theof the of the Redemption conversation everything,
And when I told him that,he said that was a lot. He
was like, soap, this ismy homeboy. Who's French Chateaulgan. He

(01:16:59):
was like, so it's it's okay. Like sometimes you are lots. So
he was like, I mean that'spart of you. Like that's what someone
is getting and they are going toget a lot like for them as well,
like in a good way, likeif you are in a lot of
Pilson sometimes like it's like that ispart of like what makes you such a
great pert song like you are.That's we got the Florida one on part
one, Amazing French on Part two, you are. This is why she

(01:17:25):
needs consistency because she's consistent. That'sactually very true. Yeah, yeah,
I'm I've had to be consistent becauseI've been an only child and I've been
like alone short charing this course forso long. So I mean we've been
doing my podcast now those is forsix years, like we haven't missed a
week. Like it's because consistency ina relationship is caring. Yeah, for

(01:17:49):
sure it is. You know,and a lot of women actually don't want
a lot of women I'm not sayingall of us, but a lot of
women and don't need your money.We need security, and consistency is tied
up in security, right, Likethere is something it's reliability. It's protection,

(01:18:12):
not in the physical sense, butin the emotional sense. Consistency protects
your feelings. So that's why whena nigga don't call you for nine fucking
hours, tell him, his responseshould be hey, my bad. I
can see how that could make youfeel like that's why he didn't do it.
It's it's true. It's very true. Hence we are well for other

(01:18:33):
reasons too, because God rest hissoul. But prior to that would be
a reason why that would be aprimary reason, but it ended prior to
that, you know, because hetries to make me laugh about something that's
not funny. Sorry, okay,I'm a comic. I will laugh about
Darkshire is like, yeah, ifyou aren't consistent, you won't be consistent.

(01:18:54):
If you're not consistent in the earlyphases and the dating phases, and
to me, where it should behere to be consistent. Consistence should be
a part of your character. Itshould have nothing to do with me.
You're consistent in paying your bills everymonth? Or are you? Or are
you? But that's when things startoff with games and being weird. It's
just is not like when I metmy wife, there wasn't games. There

(01:19:16):
were things we need to work on, but I didn't have to guess if
she liked me, or if shewas committed to me, or if she
wanted to spend every moment with me. That wasn't a guess. But if
you're in the beginning parts and you'reguessing about those things, it's like,
but I don't tell you this,and I know that this isn't of course
like everybody, but a lot ofthe societal setup of dating ends up requiring

(01:19:43):
you to do that because so manyare programmed to feel like anything other than
that is you being extra, oryou being needy or a lie a lot,
you know, and as opposed toyou just being deliberate. Right,
So a lot of women we're toldlike, don't do that, like no,

(01:20:05):
you gotta really act on et cetera. And then men will tell you
like, yeah, you gotta dothat. Don't let these niggas think that
you like them off tops. Everybody'splaying games, and so I'm someone who's
never I've never played games. Sothat's also, like I said earlier,
like that's why you ain't with nobody, because I'm not playing the game,

(01:20:26):
like I'm even in like the businessof Hollywood. I realized that I needed
to find a different course because Idon't want to play the game and it's
not like I can change the gamegame so like space, so you know,
and then and then the lesbians watchingare like, create your own space,
and I'm like, I just don'twant cities on my titties. I'm

(01:20:51):
sorry, I can't. I amlike you, I feel there's all the
lesbians be in my like dms,like come on, it is, so
it's not that easy, Like Ican't don't. If I could, I
probably would. I don't want toeat pussy, and I don't. It's
just that something. I don't wanta woman to eat my pussy. I
just don't. Lord's you got itthat fast? Oh no? About the

(01:21:17):
games? Like I feel like we'refrom a generation where it's like I remember
the press thing was a thing likeif you weren't outside my house, if
you weren't like making sure you gotto the phone by a certain time to
call me before I couldn't take callsbecause it was nine o'clock. Like I
came from that tribe where you wrotethe letters, you brought, the flowers,

(01:21:38):
you did, you did all theextra stuff. And because the games
have been so prevalent today, likethe way that I hold on the hope,
plus I don't ask you that question, but the way I hold on
the hope is to go back tothe things that were like that, like
nostalgic music, where like they arebegging. I literally made a playlist called
black Love signed him, and itis filled with songs of men that are
like baby please literally and I listenedto that when I'm faby okay, will

(01:22:08):
cry tonight before I let you go, Can I get a kiss to night?
You just bag it? Yes,listen, they just wanted to know
your name. Can we talk fora minute, descending that the entire playlist

(01:22:30):
is like that. So when I'mfeeling like I don't know how this is
gonna work out, I go tothat because I'm like, these meant they
exist. I know they exist.They they exist. You know what the
issue is they exist? Is thatthe man who's way below your standards or
way below you know where you arewith things, he's intimidated by you.
No he's not. And let metell you no, he's not, because
he's in my DMS. Them niggasare not intimidated. They're actually very confident

(01:22:55):
and in a relationship they wouldn't beable to be in a relationship with you.
Fair. And then the guys whoare at where the level let's say,
career, all that stuff like that, they're desired by so many right,
So sometimes those men they had anothercoveyat for that. Yes, they
also have all of those things,but they're smart men, dumb men.

(01:23:15):
Yes, they have the emotional intelligenceto be with someone who is on their
intellectual level. But sometimes when they'rethat position of being highly desired. It's
almost like you gotta court me,you know, and show me that you
are worth my time, because nowthe like there is that that standard that
you describe is no longer right,so you have that in between of that,

(01:23:39):
the lower dude and the top dude. And they see so many of
those dudes below that they're like,I'm the catch. Yes, we're going
to We're not going Are we goingthere? You want to go there?
Here's what my thing is, wego in there. Well, not even

(01:24:00):
like this thing about courting is Ithink that's like a that term itself ends
up really being attached to like thisold fashioned idea of acquiring property, when
ultimately it's just I want to showyou who I am and I want the

(01:24:21):
opportunity to learn who you are atthe same time. Yes, that to
me is what it should be.Yes, And like I'm somebody that it's
not a money thing, but fora lot of men it is like they
need that. I don't need that. I'm so serious that I don't need

(01:24:42):
that, but they need that.And so since y'all need that, you
better have that. Okay, that'sfor you. You need that, So
fuck it, then let's just dothat make sure you got fifty racks in
escrow before we even start, becauseyou need that. Do that for you
because I would hate for this toget ruined off of something that you already

(01:25:09):
knew you needed on that Like,I mean, I just this shit is
so complicated and it's so difficult.It's not simple, And we've also been
tricked to think it is, likewhy can't y'all just get together because we
are complex computers. We don't evenknow our own programming, you know,
and some people have not downloaded anew iOS for a loss about this time.

(01:25:31):
My operating system is top not Ithink in theory it is simple,
but an application it's very difficult whatever. That's it. So when people say
it's simple, they think like,oh, all you got to do is
do this, And yeah, youcould say all you got to do that,
But putting a dick in a pussyis simple everything beyond and even that
requires a certain level of wetness,if we're being honest, it does.

(01:25:55):
So you know, it needs someprocessing, It needs some processing. Can
we prime? Can we Amazon prime? Like you know, moistness is preferred.
I'm just saying all of this shitas I've gotten older, I've actually
just changed even the way that Ibecause people ask me for advice all the

(01:26:16):
time, and I've just even changedthe way I deliver advice because I think
that I was coming from the schoolof the way so many others give advice,
which is these generalities and ultimately it'slike you have to understand you to
even be able to take advice.Say that again, So a lot of

(01:26:38):
us are really just asking for permission. We're not even asking for advice.
We're asking for permission to do thething that we already know that we're going
to do right. Or we're askingfor affirmation, for affirming Like I'm asking
y'all like, am I crazy bitch? Right? And I mean, whatever
y'all say, I still think Iam, because if I'm saying that,

(01:27:00):
I'm like, okay, I'm justtrying to learn. But I just I
just feel like we're we're getting betterat talking, and I do think that
is really like we're getting better onthese spaces. I think some podcasts need
to actually go to hell, agreed, because they're not having real conversations from

(01:27:23):
a solution space or a love space. It really is from an egospace,
which is not helpful to anybody.But we have to get we have to
continue to get back to talking.Like even on my radio show, I
do like a word of the day, and for some people they may think
that's perfunctory. But the reason whyis because I'm like, we need more

(01:27:43):
words. We need more words todescribe, like one of the things I
can tell you. So so manypeople I know in my life that were
very close to me only know threewords happy, three feelings, happy,

(01:28:05):
sad, mad. If that's theextent of your emotional vocabulary, what are
we really going to be able todo? Because even if I'm just slightly
annoyed, you think I'm mad,so you're responding to that. Maybe I'm
just miffed. Let it go,you know what I'm saying. Then it's
like okay, happy, Well,happy has like a lot of phases,

(01:28:27):
And if I'm not giving you this, that doesn't mean I'm not so pleased.
Yeah. Yeah. They say itas a switch versus like a spectrum.
You need the spectrum to examine yourself, to know how to respond to
things, etc. So that's whenwe see mindfulness being taught in children.
It's so beautiful because it's giving themlanguage to exist in the complex world.
Your feelings are as complex as thisworld, and if you can't identify them,

(01:28:50):
then it's always going to be overwhelmingfor you. And now you're trying
to be in someone else's world.How's that gonna work? You know?
So, Like I love seeing menthe these days who are excited about learning
the adventure of themselves, like theemotional journey of themselves. Like I think
that if more men, specifically Blackmen, saw that as like the true

(01:29:13):
warrior effort, like, we wouldbe in such a different place as a
society of Black people, in ourfamilies, in our family structures, if
so many more black men saw providingas something more than just monetary support and
security, but like providing emotional supportand security in your home, Like that

(01:29:33):
is so much of what we needfor like the black family structure to grow.
And I think that people are like, no, we need marriage,
etc. And it's like, listen, some people just aren't compatible mentally and
emotionally. They were physically, andso they made a person. But that
doesn't mean you can't still have compatibilityas parents, yes, right, and
creating an emotionally secure place. Ican tell you that at forty two,

(01:29:55):
I'm in therapy, and I'm tryingto figure my shit out because I didn't
have two people that could competed itto do that. Ye do it for
you, Yeah, I will putyou don't got to stay with the nigga,
but stay with the parenting. Yes, work with That was my experience.
My parents were divorced ever since Icould remember, but always were cordial,
great, never had any issue.So when I hear people say like,

(01:30:17):
we're staying together for the kids,but it's like super unhealthy, I'm
like, have you ever talked toa kid who grew up in that unhealthy
environment with both the parents? Theywould tell you like, no, I'm
good, y'all can yeah, becauseyou can feel all the time. My
excess kids were like, we wereso happy when they sat us down and
said we're getting divorced. We werelike, great, finally we are done

(01:30:40):
weird, Finally glad y'all got herebecause it was it was it was rough
for them for a long time.Yeah. Well, listen, speaking of
advice and small doses, we gota quick little segment to wrap things up.
Small doses of dating advice. Therewe go. I don't know if
I'm even you're qualified, You're oneof the brightest mind in the world.
Literally, literally, I've actually learnedwords from your world in the world.

(01:31:04):
So this is light work. Thisis light work, all right. So
here's a scenario. Two people.They're really good for each other, like
on paper, very like matter offact, this works out. You went
here, we do that. Butthe sex isn't great. Should they try
to stick it through, maybe explorenominogamy or is the sex just a deal

(01:31:28):
breaker and they should let it go? I mean, how how deep into
this are they? Like a coupleof years have they talked about this?
Yeah, they just it's a lackof attraction. It's just really not there.
They're attracted on everything, but thephysical piece. Yes, you like
it. I love it. Imean I just you know, because now
we're in this whole world of like, well, what does what does partnership

(01:31:50):
really look like? Right? Likethey might decide, like, you know
what, we don't need that,we don't need that, but I want
to get it from somewhere else.And if you're okay with that, and
I'm okay with that, then sofucking be it. But like sometimes it's
I feel like, no, likeI do need that, or sometimes you
try and convince yourself that you don'treally need that. And it's like,

(01:32:15):
if you've got to convince yourself thatyou're not you, then I don't know
if that's really sustainable or if that'slike the most healthiest situation. I agree,
but I think that we are ina society that does allow for a
lot more versatility in what partnership lookslike. And that's a conversation away,
agree, all right? Next one, your homeboy. We talked about about

(01:32:39):
having really good friends. He doesnot like your man. He admits this
after y'all in a relationship. Henever says anything while you're dating, but
y'all get together and he's like,you know, I really don't like it,
and he starts to make it obvious, like when you all you're around
him with your dude, how doyou handle it? He don't come around
and do no more. Yeah,yeah, friends, but you just I

(01:33:00):
don't bring you wrong? Okay,easy enough? All right? Next all,
So, like, why don't youlike my nigga? Because Dre has
said that we don't listen to ourhomeboys like him? Why I feel like,
as your homeboy, you gotta berespectful. You know a certain level
of respect. Yeah, you can't. I even feel like it's weird to
just out write say that. Maybeyou just say, like, it's just

(01:33:21):
certain things that he did this,I don't like how he treats you when
it comes some of the things youtold me makes me feel uneasy about him.
But just to like flat out saythat is like, but we're on
camera. Also, don't be tellingme everything bad about your person, everything
bad about your person and then yousurprised when I don't like them, Right,

(01:33:44):
that's true, that's true. Thatgive me, give me a mixture
and come to me every time somethingwrong, and then you're like, you
don't like him. I don't understandwhy. All right, I feel like
I already know what you're gonna sayon this one. But you're in therapy,

(01:34:04):
you yourself, but your partner won'tgo because they don't think they need
it. Oh, at this point, that's a deal breaker. Yeah,
everybody needs it. You don't needit all the time, and you don't
need it in the same way.Like some therapy is talk therapy. Then
there's reiki, there's float therapy.I mean, there's a myriad of ways.

(01:34:27):
But I at this point feel likeyou can't be a conscious person in
this world and not be constantly liketaking care of your brain. It's like
being a basketball player and not goingworking out, not going to gym,
not watching No, no, Idon't even mean that. I mean like

(01:34:49):
you have to when you're a basketballplayer, Like you have to take care
of your body, Like you haveto get massage, you need to be
in the whirlpool. You may needto get you know, you need the
ice. Like this is just ayeah, it's just maintenance. So at
this point, I would love tomeet somebody who's in the maintenance level of
their healing, you know, whoalready has identified like yeah, they've gone

(01:35:14):
and done the deep work, thedeep root work, and they may be
in a new phase of you know, but they they identify like yes,
this is the phases. But ultimatelyit's like I don't know that I have
met enough men in a romantic space. Let me not say I don't know,

(01:35:35):
I have not met enough men ina romantic space that like women.
They're like pussy, but they don'tlike women. They don't They just tolerate
them. Yeah, like they don'tthink we're cool, you know what I'm

(01:35:57):
saying, Like they don't think we'reon their level, Like they don't see
joy in us, Like they don'tsee our uniqueness as additive to their individualism,
like and so they don't have likea inherent kindness that they extend to
us. And I feel like that'sbeen something that a lot of my female

(01:36:23):
friends have like extended. My homeboysare men who I've never felt like I
wasn't equal to, and when Idid, it was like, oh,
well we're not you know what I'msaying. But they have always regarded me
as a full person and like sharedin my space. Right, So I've

(01:36:49):
had men who are like, Idon't want my girl to be my friends.
My girl is my girl. Yeah, that's common. That's really common.
My girl girl is my girl,My friends are my friends. That's
very common. And you know,I'm I'm really just like it's it.

(01:37:14):
There's just a kindness that I thinka lot of men don't have for women.
And I've experienced it in a realway, Like why are you talking
to me that way? You know, like why are you treating like why
you would never treat your niggas likethis? Like ever, you would never
treat your niggas like this? Whyare you treating me this way? Why
do you think this is an appropriateinteraction? You know, like stuff like

(01:37:38):
that is the part that makes menot as hopeful because I don't think society
is interested in nurturing that. AndI want, at the very least our
black community to be to say,well them, crack is over there and
may not be about that, butwe are. We have to be,

(01:37:59):
We have to be. We haven'thate hearing that, man, Yes,
it's very disappointed. I feel likeI've had a balance. I feel definitely
feel like I've had a balance.I've experienced that wholeheartedly where it's like,
wow, you just want it forwhat it can do for you, not
because you feel it brings joy orjust camaraderie and love and respect. But
I've also thankfully friends and men thatI've dated, And I'm thankful for the

(01:38:21):
men specifically that I dated, becausethey helped me understand my worth. They
at least introduced it to me sothat I can start exploring it for myself,
but then also like giving me thathope that like, oh yeah,
y'all might be of small. Iwould say my first boyfriend ever was that.
Okay, that's what's allowed for evenyou know what I'm saying, Like

(01:38:43):
my first boyfriend, Walkie's like Iwas treated with respecting it with respect,
I was treated with kindness, LikeI was never pressured, you know,
or pushed to do anything. Youlook so devastated. It just doesn't make
any sense because I mean, ifyou talk to men who are truly married
and happy, they'll tell you thatit is an amazing thing when you find
the right person. But then Ilook at the guys that maybe you're talking

(01:39:05):
about, and it's there for them, but it seems like they don't want
to have that accountability and a responsibilitythat it takes to be in a relationship.
Well, yeah, because the rightperson means that you're gonna have to
like do stuff and yeah, beaccountable. Like I had someone tell me
recently. They were like, yeah, like I want to I'm going to

(01:39:25):
have to leave your company because Idon't have the mental health to work at
a job I care about what.Yeah, they were like, I realized
that I need to work somewhere whereI don't care about it because it will
stress me out working for someone whoI actually care about the work. And
I was just like wow, AndI think that can be related to I'm

(01:39:46):
not even just gonna say men justlike people in relationships like that, that's
part of the whole. Like Idon't want to have feelings. You know.
Mental health is like the stomach acheof the second grade when you're trying
to get out of you try toget out of school. Yeah, episode,
And it's like people use that mentalhealth word for lot around, don't

(01:40:08):
they abusing? Abusing it? Thatwas it? Those are those are my
small doses. Thank you for participating. I appreciate that those are your are
those are the ones. So youhandle that like a pro, like a
pro. You know, it's it'sa weird thing to be not a weird
thing, but it's actually been anhonor to like now be in this place

(01:40:30):
where I've been on the earth longenough and I've been visible long enough where
people like trust, you know.So I try my best to always be
like incredibly thoughtful about my responses tothings, and you know, just understanding
of how many of us don't havesounding boards and don't have community and like

(01:40:55):
so like with my Patreon, likefor a long time, like my Patreon
was just like somewhere that I wasjust like posting like ad free episodes of
my podcast, but I've started treatingit as a community and it's been really
dope to just see how folks arefeeling nurtured by that, Like they're telling
me, like you know this chatthat we have and you know, the

(01:41:16):
conversations and the different postings. It'sit's creating more of a dynamic space outside
of like this social media shit,right, and even over there, like
I feel like I'm getting to learnmore about how to even be more present
in that way, and with thepodcast with Small Doses, you know,
I've I've learned over these years,like Small Doses has been therapy for me.

(01:41:40):
Yeah, it's been therapy for me. We changed a category, right,
yes we did. We changed thecategory from comedy to self improvement education
should have been. But I'm ina new cycle, like a new season
as a creative and really entering.Like I I feel like when I did

(01:42:02):
the podcast last time, like Iwas already embracing that, like you are
in this independent space, but nowit's like really that like where Hollywood is
kind of just like make sure Iget my health insurance, you know.
But I I really take like mywork seriously and I appreciate that people like

(01:42:23):
take me seriously, not you thenigga in the comments. Who's going to
say I don't, But but Ifeel like it's it's just like the work
in progress that I am, likeI've had to do like in front of
people, and like it's been it'sit's been a ride and y'all are on

(01:42:44):
the ride. And I just signedmy next book deal this week. Congratulations.
Let's good. So yeah, Igot to write another book. That's
amazing. Well, I'm happy foryou and proud, even if it doesn't
mean much, but very very proudof you. It's amazing. I ever,
let nobody tell you that that don'tmean much. Everybody wants to be
told someone's proud of them. Yeah, very very proud of you, very

(01:43:06):
very proud of you. Honored tosit with you for a second time.
And you can come back whenever youlike, whenever you like, whatever you
like. Please I plug something.I what to say, please plug away.
Where to find you all the stuff? You can find me on Instagram
at Amanda Seals. You can findme on YouTube at Amanda Seals TV.
I do lives on YouTube now whereI'm really trying to just expound upon like

(01:43:30):
more like information based content, Solike my podcast, I feel like it's
more it's themed, whereas like I'lllike pick a headline and be like,
we're gonna bring somebody on like totalk about this. You can also check
out the Amanda Seals Show. Weare every day where you get your podcasts.
We're also syndicated in select cities andyou can go follow us on YouTube

(01:43:51):
and Instagram at Seals set It,and you can catch me on tour,
so you can go to Amanda Sealsdot com. On tour, I'm in
various cities. I'm not sure whenthis is going to air, so check
out when I'm coming to your city. And you can sign up for my
newsletters that you don't miss out onany of these things that's going on.
And last, but not least,you can subscribe to my Patreon. You

(01:44:12):
can get there at the Amanda Versedot com or just go to Patreon and
put in my name. My SmallGhosts podcast that airs weekly. We will
have video episodes of that on myPatreon, as well as bonus episodes that
I have now started to do onmy Patreon. And all of this is
really a part of creating an ecosystemthat is supported by grassroots and by the

(01:44:33):
people and not by the Hollywood systemthat controls people. And that's why I
get to sit up here with akefa and say free Palestine word and happy
Black History are Oh my god,that was awesome. Thank you so much
and I appreciate you. Yes,always coming through Amanda Seals lead. He's

(01:45:00):
a gentleman.

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