Lack of values, morals, and the need for one another causes the Disconnect

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:05):
We are in this thing. Thankyou for choosing rocky Roll TV. This
is session two of the Black LittleGroup Chat. Oh, I gotta turn
this now. I'm getting feedback.I'm getting feedback. We're back, y'all.
It's me Diana. Y'all probably rememberher from my former show Millie and

(00:29):
Tiffany. We're working out the kinkstill, I see. I gotta put
my headphones up in the thing soI don't hear the feedback. Hold on,
okay, all right, can y'allhear me? M all right?

(00:49):
Cool? Cool, cool, coolcool cool? All right? So this
time, y'all, I came preparedwith some questions first, but I want
everybody to introduce themselves. What theydo? You know that, and if
you're building a social media presence oryou're on such a media make sure you

(01:10):
announced that as well. Tell uswhat you think has been the biggest disconnect
between you and the opposite sex fromthe viewpoint of your experience? Does that
make sense? M all right?Cool? All right? Who want to
go first? What's going on withthis camera? Baby? I guess I'll

(01:36):
go first, and I'm my musicokay, Hey, yeah, I'm Diana
and I am a serial entrepreneur socialmedia platforms. It's my personal pages,
so I'm not sharing that. Repeatthe question time from America. Oh,

(01:59):
back to the question, what doyou feel from your experience? Is the
disconnect between black men and women theability to communicate? And when I when
I say that, I mean itin like a tiered fashion because communication is

(02:23):
so like layered. It's not justthe ability to articulate yourself, but it's
the ability to receive. But somebodyis actually saying and asking appropriate questions when
you are maybe unclear on what they'resaying. Okay, I feel like oftentimes
a lot of people hear what theywant to hear or maybe even here assume

(02:50):
what the person is saying, versuslike getting clarity on what they mean by
it or whatever. So I thinkI think that's a big one of the
biggest disconnects. We'm not ging yougot your here then? Oh, I'm
honest, I'm sorry, Yeah,Nick, you boy? What's up?

(03:15):
People? Y'all? All right?What's going on? Right? What's going
on? So? What's going on? GP? What's popping? What's up
to? You're not speaking today?Everybody else spoke O. Hi, Gregory,

(03:37):
Jesus Christ, Gregory you know,I'll go back to mute your microphone.
Were talking about rock, trying tofigure out do y'all hear like a
feedback? Like does this sound likeit's an echo? Is that because men?
No? No, no, no, no, before you guys,

(04:00):
No, we don't hear it.I think it's just it's just on your
right here. I'm wondering why I'mhearing it. No, no, no,
it has nothing to do with y'all. It was going on before y'all
came in, and I'm trying tofigure out why because this didn't happen to

(04:20):
me last time. I don't hearyou hear it? Yeah, I don't
hear no fee back. Okay.What we're talking about is from your experience,
what do you feel is to disconnectbetween black men and women. You
see a lot of women always complainingabout men, and you see men complaining

(04:44):
about women. What is the riff? You think? What is it?
What would you say if I Imean off the top? I think that
this generation right now, especially likethe men, they wasn't raised by men,
and they all he's looking for thatwoman to be their mother instead of
being a partner. You know whatI'm saying. They looking for a lot

(05:05):
of qualities that they feel like theirmother had it and mother presented in life
or whatever like that. But theygot to realize when you're looking for a
partner, you're not looking for amother. You don't look for nobody to
take care of you or nothing likethat. And a lot of these guys,
I think they're measuring they women upto their mother's standards. But I
know what I was going to saysomething, but I'm gonna keep that to
myself. Don't worry about it.That's just what I think right now,

(05:28):
especially on the inside. My thingI think, in my opinion, is
the lack of values and morals.Everybody in competition of who the most popular.
We ain't working together because I wantto have a better current than her
and she want to have She wanta thousand likes on social media. Like
this shit social media and fucked upthese relationships and people and the competitiveness and

(05:53):
relationships and people think once you fallin love, like you don't have to
work for a love. It's atwenty four average. That shit, don't
never eed, that's a that's ajob. Yo, Oh we made it
so we're good. No, youalways got to work for that shit,
work to it and for it.Yeah, I agree. I feel like

(06:18):
I feel like for me, Ithink it's the lack of black women and
black men feeling like we don't needeach other. It's that that idea of
or I don't need a woman orI don't need a man. In all
reality, if we're coming in withthat mindset, we already lost you know

(06:40):
what I mean, Ain't nothing gonnawork. You have to need your partner,
Like, what's the point of evenhaving someone in your corner if you
don't need them, you just wantthem. If you just want them in
that that that's kind of stems downto a less a less type of stage.
But when you need somebody is morethan just a physical know what I
mean. And for me to havesomebody in my corner, I need you.

(07:03):
I ain't afraid to say, youknow what I mean. I feel
like with our generation, we're justafraid to feel like we need somebody that
comes from hurt, you know whatI mean. I'm not taking back off
that because that that is I feellike I recently started to open up to
the idea of I think. Ithink need is one of those words that

(07:26):
a lot of people don't want togive into like it's overthought, like I
don't need I don't need you,you know, but like recently, recently
it's like you know what, likenot only do you want well, most
people want a partner, you know. Nobody wants to go through trials and
tripy elections alone. Nobody wants toraise children alone. Nobody wants to split

(07:47):
that time. Nobody wants to gothrough job loss new entrepreneurship. Nobody wants
to do that alone. And thethe the definition of need changed as I
grew up, Like I don't Idon't. I don't necessarily meet you physically.
I don't necessarily need you financially,but I need you emotionally. I

(08:09):
need you spiritually, you know,I I need I need you to be
the other half when I'm not whole, like and and I have to agree
with that, Like I have toagree with that, I said, I
said, I'm always communication, butI'm gonna have to go retrack and be
like it's that the lack of needinganother person, like we also, I

(08:33):
can do this by myself. Everybodycan do ship by themselves. I can
cut my own grass, I canstill snow, I can take I can
feed it me and talking about thatI can feed myself. What do I
need you for? Like niggo okay, And it's one more need that we
forget. I need to be ableto trust you, like you should be
able to trust me, Like that'sone of the biggest disconnections. I can't.

(08:56):
I can't. I have it.I got major trust issues. I
didn't had some shit like put mein a position to where it's like a
mechanism. If I feel like I'mgetting too close for you, it come
to toxic sis, I'm about tosuck it up, like because I don't
want to get I don't like onceI get to once I get to a
certain point of comfortability or not evencomfortability, because I'm never comfortable. Once

(09:22):
I get to a point of happiness, I say, I'm like something ain't
right, like something about to happen, like fuck this. So I want
to be able to trust you.In there, I might, I gotta.
I got a bad habit of testingthe waters, like I might put
you in a position to answer atrying question, but it's only to help
appease my trust issues, Like atno cost that we'd be able to be

(09:46):
one hundred with each other and itain't. It don't always work out like
that, like mirrors these days,like I mean other outside of Rocky in
them, and it's a few otherpeople I know there's marriage. Like the
word marriage don't even mean the same. It's just a title that like,
yeah, I'm married, then bethe main ones giving off the numbers.
And you know what I'm saying.I got a couple, I got a

(10:07):
couple of brothers that be taking amarried women now through there. I'm like,
these niggas crazy, Yeah, butI was the nigga. I was
the married nigga that was ready tokill a nigga about that. So I
kind of like, and I'm Iwill say, and it's not being cocky
and nothing. I I was onceone of them guys that could. I

(10:28):
had a nice amount of women whenI wanted too. So when I sat
back and the ship happened to me, I'm like, Damn, this is
a fucked up ass feeling, youknow what I'm saying. But now I
can't allow myself to be back inthat position. And I probably miss out
on a lot of shit because I'dbe having some good people in my life.
But it just be that one littlething like oh yeah, she you
eighty five percent good? This fifteengon outweigh that when it shit, I

(10:50):
ain't that go back to what youwere saying though about somebody. I don't
remember who I'm bad. I don'tremember who said it, but somebody said
love It is a twenty four hoursjot. Yeah, that goes okay,
that goes back to that, likewhen you know, nobody comes with no
ship. Everybody comes with ship.You know what I'm saying. And it's
not it's not always from romantic relationships. We we I mean we black people,

(11:13):
so we come from traumatic ass upbringingsin most instances, whether it's a
two parent household or not. Itcould have been financial strain, it could
have been the oldest child struggle.You know. It's it's a lot of
different things that molded us into theserealities that we have as adults, and
we are not willing to be tatientwith one another and love each other through

(11:33):
said issues. You know, we'reso quick to be like, fuck you
get your shit together, Fuck youget your shit together. Come you need
to come. Heal this the newthing you need to But healing is like
a continued with journey though, likethis is the every day thing for the
rest of yours as my partner,I need you to be patient with me
on my on my on my downdays, because I'm have some on the

(11:56):
days that I need a little bit. Nobody wants to get reassurance anymore,
you know, like if I ifI, if I ask you, like,
do you miss me? What doyou think? That's not an answer
that answer. But I've been askeddo you miss me? And I answered
the question like, well, Ican't tell because this that and the third
listen, if you was gonna answerthe question with an answer and I don't

(12:18):
miss I don't miss But that's thethat's the trust part that she was talking
about though, that's that little thingin your friend that she was like,
no, no, he don't.We do. We do too, you
know we we look for problems aswell to make ourselves and be like I
knew I was right about this.I knew I was. I think,
what kind of tuck you think?We all like this interest? Like what

(12:41):
said about his trust, I didn't. I didn't dealt with a female before.
I had to tell her like assoon as she get to going good
and everything is moving in the right, dust of us. You gotta find
a flaw, find some way towant to argue and fuss and fight about
this. She like, stop running. I didn't told her. I didn't
told her playing till before, Like, just stop loving from the choice.
Let me be what it's all be. I just hard to do though.

(13:05):
That's really hard to do because thatguard is multi layer, and like I
said, it just for both,because there's me and Off that are better
like that as well when they comeacross somebody that loves and they like NA,
Like what do y'all think about this? So that guard is thick and

(13:26):
they come with layers. But doy'all think like by the time you're off
and ready to open up, likeyou didn't put the purse through so much
down, Like you didn't waste yourtime holding them girls up. You know
what I'm saying, Like you you'llbe so resistant to someday it's like finally
when you're like, okay, it'son now that because it seemed like you
lost nobody's ever on the same page. Like I'm liking her. H he

(13:50):
all right, you know what I'msaying, Like nobody never people turn the
page is too fast, and Ialways like I like to check in,
like how are we doing today?Like what what's up? What's you thinking?
What's the I pick your brain andI'm about to say that I'm about
it. I'ma shut up and nowI'm not gonna shut up. But so
this the thing with people, likewe'll let people come in and we know

(14:11):
that they're coming in and fuck someshit up and still let them do it.
I had a today, I swearwhat a couple of hours ago,
gee, I had a person gaveme some pictures of the chick that I'm
dealing with from twenty seventeen. That'ssomething she out on the date. Now
I sent it to her, butI'm sending it to her thinking we're about

(14:31):
to laugh about it. This motherfuckertells me I don't even remember that now,
and they ain't sent me about threeor four pictures them in three or
four different instance. Now, waita minute, you're not gonna tell me
you don't know this, this thisnigga government name, you don't know it.
So you may tell me you wasdating the niggame. You've been going
off his nickname. So do Igot more? You know? I'm saying
something. So now I'm looking atit. You're lying. It went from

(14:52):
us. It went from us jokingto now it's it's it's beef. And
the people that sent it to methey don't know. Me and her kind
of been separated, but we're stillcool and chords because we were friends before
we ever dated. But now I'mso mad, Like I'm saying, pregnant
female dog with the look I'm beingnice one, I cannot cuss on here,

(15:15):
Yes, you can cuss all hertime. I'm looking like bits,
what the fuck? Like the fuckingmeant y'all't know, but rocky. Look,
so I feel I knew I knewto play when I got it,
and I was going and that's whatlike we we was arguing. I'm talking
about we use on each other headand I said, listen, the whole
crazy thing is this is this wasn'teven why I text you this. I'm

(15:37):
like, we wasn't even together wheny'all when on these dates, we weren't
even together, so it didn't matter. But the fact that you felt like
you had to say you didn't,I don't know that name, like,
so what the fuck? Like?So that's a disconnect because maybe she said
that because she thought I was gonnatrip and didn't want to trip. But
definitely if this love each other,because me personally, I would have been

(16:02):
like, yeah, that's is alittle I smashed the funk out of her.
But you know that, you say, how long ago that was,
Nigga, I didn't took her downthrough that. Yeah, I took out
to eat something. You know whatI'm saying. I'd rather trick and feeding
you and going out than just givingthem money and I to talk my ship.
Well, let me let me giveyou another way to look at this.
Right if you're sending me a picturesomebody else yourself up, lord,

(16:30):
he's right here though. You justhand me up, o man, click
the link back again. I'll letyou back in. You just click click
the link. So I'm liking this. I'm liking all the foolishness with it,
the seriousness and the foolishness. I'monly being good this week. You

(16:51):
know we were here, you knowwe listen. We don't want to kick
the doorway. We was coming incordial today. This is not vitamin D.
I didn't already say say that.This got them, So why the
fuck is gonna have everybody? Everybodyneeds to him in the life though,
Now he can't get back in rockand say what you were saying, let
me fix this. Why on earthwould you send me these pictures of me

(17:15):
and do or whatever if you wasn'tcoming with that. That's that comes with
a type of energy all in itself. So yeah, that's what I was
thinking, you know what I'm saying. I was thinking, Yeah, that's
the fact that it was texting.That's that's that's that text community at letting
me in there you go, that'sthat text communicate miscommunication though, because was

(17:38):
it was it pictures said with nocontexts. You just you just see the
pictures because then you just said thepictures like this is the thing. So
huh. So I sent her I'mlike, I'm like looking. I'm like,
I'm like, look at this ship. I'm sleep like because he just
walked in. I'm laughing it becauseit's obviously old. Did you send it

(18:03):
with context? Yeah? I justI sent it with it with us conversion.
I'm like, I just got this. I was sleep and they woke
me. I'm like, look whatI get woke up to? Like a
picture of you out on a date? She like, who is that?
I'm like, with a name atthe bottom. I don't know who it
is. She's like, well,that's an old pis off. Rep aressumed
that I was thinking it was recent, but I could tell it was old

(18:25):
because I know her. We grewthis seven years ago. So so it
instantly took a turn when she keptsaying, I don't know that name.
I never met that. I don'tknow that name. But I only sent
her one picture because I know Iwasn't trying to bombard it with all these
pictures like who is this? Andwhy y'all was at the light show kissing
her? Y'all was doing this likeI was hold as married? Then what
the fuck did I here? Sowhy did you send the pictures? Though?

(18:49):
That's the k about the hour,okay, because the thing of the
matter is the way me and herkick it. Like I said, we
was friends without anything. I'm I'mtelling her like, look they trying you
know what I'm saying in there,because she like the bitch must wanna fuck
you. I'm like beat as inmay. I'm like it ain't shit,
don't hold no weight, you knowwhat I'm saying. But I felt like
we could talk our ship like this, like for real, But maybe I

(19:11):
think the reason you were sending itjust to kick the ship like this was
about. This was for ships andgiggles because it's old now, the date
that it says me and her,no, for sure, we wasn't together.
We know that me and her didn'tstarted dating till the next year,
you know what I'm saying. Soit's old and so this is so it's

(19:33):
some feelings going on that aren't beingcommunicated. We're acting as friends, but
one of us feel a certain typeof way which ended up leading up to
a relationship. Is why this wholewhat's going on? Well as far as
the relationship, because we've been we'vebeen in that for a minute now,
so we've been back together before that, but we've been on the out,

(19:56):
like we even kind of took abreak. So I think that's where I
picked the wrong time to bring upsome shit like this because it's a touchy
situation. We like on thing nicebecause we we get along, but we
not. It's not the thing.You are being thoughtful when you sent this.
I'm not gonna I'll be I'll beon some bullshit sometimes, but okay,

(20:22):
okay, I got it. Igot you with that Okay, Look,
I don't I don't like to.I don't like to give people.
I'm gonna let you all figure thisshit out about me once. But look
the disconnected black look not toxic tone. This is not that on me.

(20:47):
He ain't but no disconnect now hemuted it. Jesus no, I'm not
muted. So in the midst ofus texting this, I had therapy.
So I did therapy on zoom right, So I'm talking to him because he

(21:07):
know he liked tom. He like, why did you even do that if
it wasn't that serious. I'm like, you're right. So I'm sitting,
I get my thoughts. I eventext, like I like to get in
front of if I fuck up,I'm doing some shit. I'm staying tall
on what I did wrong. I'mdon't I called her apologize, like maybe
this wouldn't what it was just inthe third so now you know how something
me and in with I'm not justgonna put that on one sex now that

(21:29):
you apologizing and you showing remorse forwhat you did now is no because this
that and the third like you knowwhat fuck you a getting? Like God
damn, I'm saying I'm sorry,but overall. No, this is the
person like it's a good ass person, but I just it's me. I've
been fucking I've never been one time, I could say, and that's probably

(21:53):
the only time I gonna ever havebeen hurt her like fucked up hurt.
And now I never witnessed the experience. I've done a lot of hurting.
But that shit ain't no fun.When the rabbit got the gun, it's
not you know what, As y'alltalking, let me get my notebook out
because there's other shit popping up asyou talk, aside from the stuff that
I have up already typed out,and so I want to get to that.

(22:15):
Okay, So that brings me upwith two things up next. Red
flags. Oh, everybody's seeing themand they disregard them. That but how
many times have you been the redflag in your situation? You gotta elaborate
that, okay. I mean,I think there are always red flags on

(22:38):
both hands. It's not like ared flag, right right. I'm just
kind of using that as a title, like how how many relation? I
feel like that term goes right alongwith the rest of the terminology, and
it's it's overused and abused because wecan run that back to what we were

(23:02):
just talking about. Like a redflag would be me freaking out a little
bit because you didn't answer your phone, but because I have trusted you.
You know what I'm saying, that'sa red but it's not see see it
as a red flag instead of lookingat it as as maybe I'm just somebody
who got my feelings hurt, somaybe we should talk about this. That's

(23:25):
how I said. It depends itdoes. It depends on how you know,
how you handle it. It dependson how you blow my phone up.
No no, no, I didn'tsay. I didn't say blow your
phone up. I didn't say butno, no, no, I didn
say the only So but back tothe point the yes, that's deemed as

(23:48):
a red flag, but really it'sjust whether you in a mental space to
deal with somebody that's in that space. You know what I'm saying. I
made definitely subjective. They're they're allsubjective. So it's it's just it's where
you are. It's why they're demis red flags. Because if a dude
coming to me and every everybody aroundme he got a problem with that's a

(24:12):
problem to me. You know whatI'm saying like you and I haven't given
you. I haven't given you areason to have these problems after I'm bringing
you around. I introduced you.I understand you being uncomfortable from uncomfortable from
a previous situation, but if you'regonna hold me to that same standard,
I I don't have the space foryou. So it's not really a red
flag for me. It's just Idon't have time get somebody else to do

(24:33):
it. But it's Dean does ared flag to people, So they just
subjected it where you are? Pauseone second, I did I know you
guys came in. Did you guysget a chance because at the time I
found out what the feedback was,I canceled it out. So now I
can't hear everybody clearly. Did everybodyget a chance to introduce who they are

(24:56):
and what they do? I'm sorrywho didn't get a chance to do that?
I think nobody did but me.Okay, So so let's let's go
through everybody introducing themselves, whether theyhave a YouTube channel, what they do,
whatever you want to put out thereabout yourself, including who you are.
Let's go ahead and get that outthe way and then continue. I'm
sorry, I agree. What's goingon y'all? Man, y'all call me

(25:25):
uh me and in Mellie. Yougot a YouTube channel where we kind of
well over there, I kind oftalk about no certain situations pertaining to know
the state of our culture, thestate of our men, and things like
that. I want to check thatout. Y'all can check me out on
YouTube. Me and in Mellie.Yeah, okay. Channel seems really dope

(25:52):
from what I saw. Okay,I'm uh, I'm gp uh probably from
Viting the D podcast. Currently wegot a ship talk podcast right now.
You can catch us on podcasting twoon Facebook. Uh YouTube YouTube stuff right,
yeah YouTube. Just a humble youngman from you know, I'm tone

(26:25):
uh they I'm also one of thepeople from former Vitamin D shit talk podcast.
They gave me this weird name calledToxic Tone. I don't know why
because I'm a child guy and I'malso a cancer so you know, and
you know, yeah, call methe tracks been of the group. You

(26:48):
know what I'm saying. I couldthink too, Oh my god, to
you what? All right? I'mtippany, have zero social media presence,
but no professionally, I'm a I'ma therapist, oh shit, I need
her. You say, what stilltherapist? She's gonna be like this motherfucker

(27:12):
need to lay on the car,you know. Let me keep my let
me mute my microphone. Go ahead. Finished telling your story. That's it.
That's me. So what type oftherapists are you? Mental health?

(27:33):
Okay, adults, kids, teens. I've worked with a whole gamut.
I work with veterans right now.Okay, that's what's up. Okay,
do couples counselinge? Oh, let'sgo. Okay, I'm sorry. I
was just being a little nosy.This is this is one of them shows

(27:57):
we get nos yet. So yeah, okay, I had a question though,
too, So go ahead, Iget Are we do the introductions to
everybody? Yeah? We done?Go ahead? GP. Hello, yeah,
yeah, my mind out of something. No, we can hear you.

(28:22):
I couldn't hear me. You needto hear hear me. Yeah.
I didn't like that. So,like the young lady was just saying,
a lot of red flags ain't reallyred flags. It's just things that people
perceive to be a real flag.Like a gentleman like myself, my reputation

(28:45):
may precede me to somebody that Ijust meet, and they might take that
as a red flag, but Ilisten, I can't help who I once
was, but I'm not that man. They're standing here in front of you
to day though. So that's nota red flag though. Okay, we'll
sha you said one would would,Okay, okay, okay. Well,
I feel like red flags correlate withstandards because we all can come up with

(29:08):
some stuff that we think it's ared flag, but it's just based on
what we what we're willing to dealwith, you know what I'm saying.
So where you with, it's allsituational you. I gotta say, one
of my red flags are hygiene.I don't want nothing that don't smell good.
I'mna make sure I smell good too. I'm with you. I think

(29:29):
I think that's a legitimate I don'tthink that that's a universal red flag.
Right there? Sank? They juststank. That Ain't that even the red
flag? That is just turn offthat if you smell like sea bass,
baby, I'm gonna need you togo ahead and ranch it off. See,

(29:52):
I don't pass if you feel likeseas to deal with it. Wherever
you came from, they like that, okay, So so so I got
a question, and it's it gotsomething to do with the red flat.
But I need to know, like, so, have y'all ever And I
know Rocky you've been off the marketfor a long time, but have y'all

(30:12):
ever was? Then? I don'tknow who else? So I mean,
this is a very respectful I don'tmean no disrespect nobody. Hey, y'all
ever been in a situation where it'sright, they're about to go down and
then you realize there's something stink,something ain't right, And like, what
do you say? How do youdo? You do you make up a
lot to get out of it,because I I kind of like finess my
way up out of it. Butlike, do you do you tell him

(30:34):
honestly, like that it's a smell, right, what you eat fished this
week? What do you say?No? You, Yeah, you gotta
finess out of that situation because youknow they can lie and we cannot handle
a lot. But you also youalso don't have to be mean about it.

(31:00):
Yeah, but I think, yeah, I think you being a therapist,
but you being a therapist, youknow that you can say something in
the nicest tone ever, but ifit rubs somebody a wrong way. It's
world worth seventeen. Nobody that's noton youna, just say it like you
think, though. You gotta yougotta have some type of deform about it

(31:26):
when you tell. So now,okay, I'm gonna tell you all the
story one time. No, it'snot. It's not like that though,
but I mean it's like that,but it ain't. So. Me and
a young lady was dealing with youknow, we was doing what we was
doing. Everything was fine, butthen like me, it session like something
just didn't smell right in the air. So I just politely faked uh orgasm,

(31:53):
and then you know, got himlike, well, you know,
yeah, she like you want togo again on? You know that was
you was you was good, Youwas a one right there, and I
never caught her again. So itsounds like to me, she had bacterial
vaginosis, and you have that infection, you could be very clean, but
as the motion gets to go on, it brings that smell out. So

(32:15):
she just needed some boric acid pillsand she would have been all Rightation is
important, though, That's why youtell somebody when something right. Yeah,
if you care, if you care, if you I think y'all might y'all,
y'all like twenty five years too latewith this diagnosis? Not so I

(32:36):
know, you know, but younever know who's watching where it might help.
It's been a block, you mightcan go back and get up.
We gotta, we gotta start treatingthis equal on the equal scale. Personal
impression is last impression. They doit to us, don't go back.
Okay, So here's my question,why is it? Okay? You know

(33:02):
what, No, I'm gonna askthis question, and then I'm gonna ask
that question. Okay, So Iwant to say this right, this is
a no judgment zone. Are y'allcool with that? So all opinions and
viewpoints are safe here and only opento diplomatic and respectful opposition. With that

(33:22):
being said, if there is onething you could say to the opposite sex
that you wish they would consider changingwithout pushback, what would that be there
we wish they could consider changing.Yeah, it could be something like bad

(33:44):
attitude. I mean, that's justsimplistic. But and these are best on
your these are based on your experiences. This question is going to vary obviously
with each and every one of us. But you know, so what i't
know, maybe just single out somebodyin your mind. If I could go
back and don't you ain't gotta saytheir name, no, no, mine?

(34:06):
What would you say to that personif you had the opportunity to say
it without pushback? Because mind you, we all people are watching can identify
with these scenarios and it's helpful tosee stuff like this. Oh, I
can go first. My thing wouldbe no, it's it's real simple.

(34:28):
I would ask that you bear withme as you're expect me to bear with
you, and less respect each other'sfeelings. Don't only put yours first,
like we need to put our feelingsneed to be on the same plateau and
of equal value. Okay, that'sreal, because when feelings get hurt,
people turn up. So that's wherethe beef come in. Okay, I

(34:51):
have a lot. I have alot to say. Go ahead and love
the clip too, west On theone thing I will say the clip.
I think one of the most importantthings I would say is learn to participate
fully. Mmmm. That was mine? The participation m M. As far

(35:15):
as we are right, elaborate pleaseOkay, Well, I mean I tend
to think that like that is thepurpose of life, right, It's to
participate. In it. And Ifeel like in relationships, especially because people

(35:38):
have so many walls up, they'renot really participating. M M. You
know, one foot in, onefoot out right, I'm gonna tell you
half the truth. I'm gonna weara mask, I'm gonna do you know,
do all these learn to participate fully, and then maybe you can experience

(36:00):
love, right, enjoyment, enjoylike without full participation. I just feel
like you're treating yourself out of theexperience. That's a real m if you
think so, you're saying like,if you're gonna be in and be in
it, don't don't have bad Yeah, And I mean just to like add

(36:22):
on to that, when the onlyway you are really going to experience all
there is to experience is to bepresent in the moment. So if you're
constantly, you know, living inthe past, reliving all of your past
trauma and experiences and all that,or anticipating what's gonna happen, right,

(36:52):
you're gonna be anxious. You're gonnabe anxious, you're gonna be depressed,
you're gonna be you know, experienceall of this, all of these emotions.
Yeah, that that come about whenyou're not in the present moment because
at the end of the day,like I asked myself, what's so bad
about right now? Right now,in this moment we're here together, what's

(37:14):
so bad about right now? MThat's one of my biggest things true,
like dealing with female like paying forthe mistakes of the past. Dude,
I can't you know what I'm saying. I can't defend what he did,
and I don't. I don't thinkthat should be projected on me to have
to have to try to make upfor the stuff that somebody else did before

(37:37):
I was even around. Can Imake a comment on that before we keep
going paying for past mistakes? Ihear that a lot for men, And
what what did I want to know? What? What does that look like?

(38:00):
How is that presented from a woman? If we're dating? How would
I make you feel like he waspaying for a past mistake? Like,
what is something that I would Iwould be doing? I got cheated on,
right, he was a serial cheater. So what is something that I
do that makes you feel like youare paying for what he did? You
said he was a serial cheater.Yeah, he was a serial let's just

(38:22):
hypothetically now we now we're dating,what am I doing that makes you feel
like you're paying for what he didto me? Di' just be I guess
if like, Okay, so yousay you had a situation like that,
me and you kicking it now andI'm out with the Fellas or whatever like

(38:42):
that. You know we talked earlierthat day. You know, you know
where I was at when I leftthe house and everything. But now it's
like it's a problem. It's anissue that it's like the trust ain't theory
and you know what I'm saying,but you not trusted me because of the
ship that he did when he toldyou he was going out with the Fellas.
Though you know what I'm saying,he might have told you when all
of the Fellas and that trigger like, oh, I need told me that
last time he was with that bitchKisha and I caught the ass downtown or

(39:06):
whatever. But with the Fellas hangingout though you see what I'm I went
through. That was some years ago. But I can also say that I
got that habit bad to that shit. I just told y'all I did it,
and I now that I'm talking toy'all like just like they're possessing number
two. I was wrong. Fuck, So do we think that? So

(39:30):
do we think that? Because Ifeel like I feel like I feel like
that term is used loosely. Ifeel like it's a loose cannon. You
know, I don't think anybody.I do think there are people who are
not ready to date, you know, like you know, dating somebody and
whatever happened in that situation, Idon't. I don't think we take the
time to like introspect on it forreal, for real and reflect on it

(39:58):
like what went wrong the moment,the moment we lost trust for ourselves because
it's not even a lot of peoplethink it's about trusting the other person.
Really it's about trusting yourself because youwere with somebody who you thought loved you
and they weren't loving you in away that you that you received, that
you understand, and now not onlydo you not trust this person, you

(40:20):
lose trust for yourself. So ifI'm not trusting myself and if I'm not
trusting myself and my decision making,I don't trust you. I would never
trust you until I trust myself.But we we have to be held accountable
on that on that end of it, you know, doing the work like
ain't no way in the hell.I've been in a ten eleven year relationship
and then the next year I'm readyto get into another serious relationships. I'm

(40:43):
not ready. I'm not ready.I'm not ready, and we and we
often do that like we often reverlike navigate, like I was. I
was married. I was with mychildren's father for what teen years? We
was married for nine I was notready to be when I was next niggah,

(41:05):
anybody else was a jump off.I'm not taking it. I'm not
taking this nigga. S I dI dated the emotionally unavailable me, and
because I didn't want you for real, I didn't want you, I had
to I had to learn how todate again. I was It was almost
like no, no, I'm notsaying being married is like being in jail,
but it was also it was almostlike getting out of jail. Like

(41:28):
how when people get out of jailwhen they eighteen, they go on with
the eighteen and they get out atlike thirty days they still eighteen. I've
been with this nigga since I wasnineteen years old. Like, you know
how much time I had online handsat nineteen? You know how many you
know how much people hit me up. When I was nineteen. We didn't
have no life, I had nokids. Were just what you're doing all
day? I'm up, I'm upand out all night. You're texting me
because we available. Now we've grownas hell. Now we're grown as hell.

(41:52):
I had to unlearn that dating patternbecause I was not ready to date.
You know what I'm saying, Like, no, no, how much
I learned, I yearned for companionshipbecause I had a companion, you feel
me. I had a person.Whether it was a great relationship or not,
I had a person. And Ihad to unwire my brain. Not

(42:15):
that I didn't need a person ornot that I didn't want a person,
but I didn't have a person anymore. So I had to, like I
had to release that familiarity so Iwouldn't be projecting it on the next man.
And also wanted to date. Andit was toxic because it was leading

(42:37):
his own for real, for real, like its leading them on like I
not you known here, It didnot have no no, no, no
no. But I had to beready to release all of those things,
you know what I'm saying. Soin that that if I'm dating somebody serious
about dating like that's where intentions comingin there. Like we've grown now and

(42:58):
we don't like to talk about intentionis when we were dating, Like okay,
I'm i'm if I'm out to dinnerwith you, I do need to
know what your attentions are. Areyou dating just the fuck around or are
you dating? Because if you tellme like I want marriage, I want
kids, I want the whole nineyards, and I'm not ready for that
shit, I feel like we're noton the saying page. Yeah, like

(43:20):
that's sure, sure, not onthe same page. Shout out to Melinda
and Rama. Watching Melinda says themchildren of God be the most toxic ones.
It's crazy, she said, it'scrazy that that's a universal red flag.
It's also tough when the man isthe one throwing off your pH and
you gotta have that convo with himabout that. Yeah, that's that's very

(43:45):
true. But you know what,I think that's why it's important to be
thoughtful and non judgmental in those moments, In many moments where I feel like
we're way too judgmental mm hmm,because yeah, you you might have been
a wading through in the first place. I mean, that's real, right,

(44:13):
You're a foreign invader, you know, and I gotta get used to
you you can. Yeah, yeah, that's real m. What was the
question? You guys right, I'mtrying to think. Yeah, no,
that shouldn't went off so many takes. Let me think, oh to change,

(44:36):
Oh yeah yeah, yep, yep, there you go. Thank you,
thank you. That's what's beneficial awhile having a team. Somebody's always
going to remember. So it couldbe a person or an instance. But
if you could say it without none, no judgment, no pushback, what
would you say to the opposite sex? And you could just pick a person
if that narrow narrow it down toa person or scenario, if that makes

(44:59):
it easier, that's an all rightquestion. Well, I he's still thinking
about it. I might have tothrow in because I agree with Tiffany about
being present and like being more open. But I'm gonna have to throw into

(45:22):
like learning how to communicate when it'stime to let go. I feel like
I feel like letting go we don'tas a as a people. I know
it's about the opposite sect, butas the people, I feel like we
don't know how to let go itlike when people die, we don't how
to let it go. When relationshipsships, we don't how to let it
go. When the kids get grown, we don't how to let them go,

(45:42):
Like we don't know how to letshit go. When like the job
no longer serve us, we don'tknow how to find another one, Like
the current dying, we don't knowhow to buy another one, like we
just don't let you go. Wehold on to so many things and not
realizing that, no matter what's yourreligious, religious background, or spiritual identity,
is that everything has the expiration date. And it does not mean that
you are dead physically. It meansthat this is we are no longer growing

(46:07):
in the same space. And itdoesn't mean that exactly. And it doesn't
mean I hate you. It doesn'tmean you cheated on me. It doesn't
mean that I communicate poorly or I'mtoxic or you're toxic. It just means
that we are operating in two differentspaces. We are no longer unified.
And I feel like that conversation.I feel like oftentimes men like women women

(46:29):
hold on to potential, but meand hold on too ideals, you know,
and when when we no longer whenwe show you that we're not who
you thought we could have been.Let it go, don't cheat, don't
buy, don't don't don't try.You know, like when you when that

(46:52):
thought crush your mind, it's somethingto actually think about that. If I
am sitting next to you, rubbingmy feet on on you, and you
thinking like I just want this niggato go home. This is home,
you know, tell them that,like, it's time to have that conversation
and again, because sometimes those relationshipshave longevity. Yes, you should reflect

(47:14):
on it. No, you shouldn'tjust tell me to go to fuck home,
like, No, you should thinkabout it and really reflect on how
you feel about it. And ifit is next time I come over you
really do not want me to bethere, then that shouldn't be the conversation.
Like, you know what, Ithink you're amazing and I just don't
think my person anymore. So okay, let it go, Alexa. No,
but I got confused for us thinking, so let's just go back.

(47:37):
I'm sitting on the couch with youwhen you rubbing your feet on me and
you won't meet go home? No, no, no, I said you
think? No, I said,you think, damn, get your feet
on me? Go home? Youthink because I haven't been in a situation
like that where I hadn't been aroundwith but just to tell me about this
about let let's situation. Hey,I come over breaking up? You're breaking

(48:05):
up? You're breaking up? Bruh, I've been irritated with the person.
That's just Yaka hear me, wehear you. Now now you can get
back to that story. That foolishness. What was going on? No,
it wasn't no foolishness, rockhead.I'm trying to tell my go ahead hello

(48:36):
saying, oh my god, he'sdriving through the country. What the hell
is going on? Sep. We'regonna have to come back to you.
You're going through the valley of thego ahead. Somebody else thought, we
are you not tring? I'm tohang up somebody else. We are all
of that. Yeah, and sowill it. Yeah, I just agree

(49:15):
story I did have all gone.He'll say back in. He probably gotta
stop rolling. I thought I thoughthe was gonna stay over here till it
was over up because he was on. I think he was on. The

(49:35):
wife had when he right now,oh there he is, but he mwed
it dre oh lord you go.I wouldn't hear the story. I want
to hear. It would be somany stories. I want to know which
one it is? Who I wantto hear the story? And they got

(49:58):
they got managed to say I'd betoxed. Jesus just say they call you
talk with her. Man, I'ma I'm a child of girl. Look
of the most topic. She shewas just playing. Tell us those story

(50:22):
did you get? Hey? Man, fuck your story? Bro need it
just needs to be over with.Okay, I was on the couch and
was st on the couch. Hehad that thought. I've had that.

(50:44):
I've had that thought a bunch oftimes. But the good Like even when
I had that thought, the goodended up out wearing the bad. So
it made me reconsider it. Sois that wrong to do? No?
So that's what I'm saying, though, like we oftentimes think that letting go
requires to be the person being abad person. It doesn't have to be
a bad person if the relationship isno longer your cup of tea, you

(51:07):
know what I'm saying, Like,if it's because because we have all type
of relationships in the world, whichyour romantic relationship, holl is a different
set of like wait, a differentweight, you know. So if I
if we sitting here kicking it.I think it with like and we are
friends. You know like and Ido believe in your romantic relationship. Y'all

(51:27):
should have a a friend like dynamicas well to be able to communicate.
But if you're just mind, ifI feel like you're always my friend,
I don't think I for me.I'm not saying that's for everybody for me.
If you only feel like my friend, I don't think I got friends.
I got friends. I want to. I want you to be my

(51:49):
partner and when I'm looking for asI look for a partner, I have
you know the things that I thatI'm looking for. And if you do
not meet that, it doesn't meanthat you are terrible. Nigga. I
don't say you boy like you justI don't need you to try to be
who I want you to be whoI want. So i'mna have to let
you go because who you are.It's not saying it's not good enough for

(52:10):
me, but who you are isnot satisfied with me romantically. That's real.
That's so I'm gonna have to letit go. It doesn't mean that
you have bad qualities like you couldyou could be You could be a great
person, you could have a greatjob, you could be a great communicator.
But if there's something something missing there, like it's a disconnect somewhere,

(52:32):
it doesn't always have to be Ithink. I think that's the struggle with
letting go. We think that ithas to be something wrong, like in
the wrong has to be bad.I don't. I don't agree with that.
I don't think the wrong has bad. People to move on. I
got a question to go along withwith that, though, So say you
Ki, how many what this THUshould be and what you're looking for?

(53:01):
What you expect that how many watchescan be unchecked? But you can still
be like you know what, Ican still we can still pursue this system.
I made a list six months ago, hard nose and like absolutely,
like like absolutely, I think everybodyshould have a list, because then you're

(53:22):
just not out here blindly looking aroundlike you're not letting, you're not letting
people give you what they think youshould have. You have you have requirements,
like I think I think everybody shouldhave men and women should have requirements
to be a partner. So Ihave I don't have several hard nos.

(53:43):
I got like four hard nos andI have I think it's four. It's
four for absolutely yes. You haveto have these and I don't share those,
and I don't share those with mypartner because I don't want you to
try to be these. I don'twant you to try to be that.
I want you to be who youare because I'm gonna be who I am,

(54:04):
and if you like who I am, then a means stay here.
And I want you to do thesame. I want you to come as
you are. Let me say that, Let that do that trying because I
say he checked all the four hardyeses he checked off or nose but he
but he two of the horror knowshe checked off too. How did the
foord? It depends on what thehorror knows? I got two like absolutely

(54:30):
I got I got like two likeabsolutely no fuckings like I don't give it,
how like I don't give how greatyou are? Like if you these
two things, I'm straight because it'sbecause it means you need more time.
Okay, Okay, I just Milly, did you did you remember what you
were gonna say? And I'm justlistening that. Oh are you sure?

(54:54):
Yeah? I'm listening. Okay,Okay, I did want to because I'm
trying to see what the question was, but I ain't really have an answered.
I just wanted to see what,you know, what they were gonna
say. But yeah, I didwant to say piggyback of what she was

(55:14):
saying as far as like when youlet it go, just communicating that that's
something that we're not taught. We'renot taught how to let someone go.
We're taught how to get somebody andyou know what I mean, and you
know, court them or whatever likethat, but when it's time for them
to go, it's kind of likeI'm just gonna kind of go shoot,

(55:36):
like I ain't gonna talk to you. And I feel like also with this
generation and just having the access tojust jump in somebody d M at the
blink of our eye, you knowwhat I mean, and it's so accessible,
we think that we got it likethat to the point where we just

(55:58):
it might be something small all thatwe don't like that about this person,
we don't like I don't like yourfeet, so let me jump in this
person DM because I like her feet, and then you just you just lost
a good person. Because we livein the fast generation where everything is so
you know, we think everything isso yeah, instant gratification and be out

(56:19):
head dating before you know you don'tdate it. A thousand dudes in one
year, you know what I mean? A thousand females because you're looking for
you don't know what you're looking for. Because it's so accessible. The list
is important. That's why. That'swhy I said list is a person one.
But you know, the list don'tneed to be this, don't need
to be a paragraph loan like youshould have that Like, yeah, damn

(56:40):
you're not. They're not trying tobe a SBI. It's just like,
what are your what do you needfrom your partner? What do you need?
We all have needs, you know? Yeah? I think though,
what with all of this that wasexpressed, two things are really important.
We lack conflict resolution and we oftenhave a hard times. It's hard to

(57:05):
find a safe space because when youare trying to be vulnerable and safely express
yourself, then people get you know, for it's people get defensive, and
then there's deflection, it's projection andall of this stuff instead of just trying
to really sit with it and thenlater on we're bringing it back up.

(57:28):
Well, remember what you said andall this kind of dumb stuff. That's
why I asked what. Yeah,that's why I asked, what did that?
What did paying for the past thepast man's mistakes look like? That's
that's why I asked that question,because if I'm just communicating with something that
I'm still working through, that's notyour paying for his mistakes. That's me
telling you that I still struggle alittle bit here because we are, and

(57:51):
we often forget that. You canheal yourself alone, but you cannot heal
from relationship trauma by yourself somethings,yes, but you cannot heal from being
with a person being alone. Igotta be with another person. Yeah,
and were you're ready to be withthat person? When you're ready to be
with that person, that's why youhave to be take that time to know
what really truely fucking bothers you,because I find myself dating nah where like

(58:15):
okay triggers right. A lot ofpeople are bothered by that word, but
we all have. It is yourresponsibility to be able to identify them.
It is your responsible abilities to beable to express yourself when it comes to
them, and it is your partner'sresponsibility to provide that safe space. For
you to express yourself because and notfeel like I'm telling you it's your faults.

(58:37):
I'm just telling you like, no, we don't, we are.
I'm the trauma for other people,and think like, oh, you been
through this. I'm not gonna everI'm not gonna ever give word and even
in like something like it's drastic,it's domestic abused. If you raise your

(59:00):
voice, setting you may not haveever hit me. If you raise your
voice aid me though, I'm gonnabe like, I'm gonna be defensive.
You feel me, And in thatregard, you need to take a moment
and be like, I've shared thiswith you, Okay, maybe this is
maybe this is triggering to her oreven if I share that, like I
share that would be like when youget at me, or you raise your
or you speak to me in acertain way, it instantly puts me back

(59:22):
there. I'm not I'm not allthe way through there yet. So it
just it just needs to be moremindful when your partner has expressed these things
to you about something that you mayhave done that causes like a little muscle
memory, that's all right, comeon, what beca but but also providing

(59:44):
the safe space you know, tothat person, like Rickelle was saying,
you have to you have to givetake a moment and not take that shit.
Personally, I feel like a lotof people take things very like we
internalized stuff when people say stuff tous, and we make it our fault.
Yeah, I didn't say, Ididn't say you did. I see
what you did, even if thatwas not your intention. I know this

(01:00:07):
is not your intention. So ohwhat I was saying it was back to
me. But I have to workthrough it. Like when I feel away,
I'm like, all right, Ifall back from a conversation. I
like to say, put a penin it. That's my safe word.
Let's put a pin in it,because I have to think about is this
real? Or am I making thisshit up? You know what I'm saying,
like is this is this really happeningright now? Or am I just

(01:00:28):
being very defensive because it feels reallyfamentary right? Is this a current threat
or is this a memory? Oris this a memory? Exactly? And
I have to I have to puta pen and shit because if you keep
coming, we're gonna get into anargument. Because I feel I feel a
way, Like feeling a way islegitimate I don't know what this way is.
You're not sucking letting me figure itout, right, it's continuously you're

(01:00:52):
just continuously going. One of theproblems that I have in a situation like
that, if I had a tendencyto just get quiet, like if it's
okay, you know what, ifthis ain't going away, and that comes
off as disrespect to certain people,like I'm sparing both of us, like
I don't want to argue. I'mjust I'm trying to. I'm I don't
got no good thing. I seethat happening a lot. But in tone,

(01:01:15):
what I will say about that is, it's okay to get quiet,
but do you return. I returnwhen the when the when the situation is
back at a at a good place, like but until if if the if,
if it's motherfucker's not feeling it,if they're feeling the way I'm chilling

(01:01:38):
now, I can let I thinkthat. I think that's the trouble is
that people know how to walk away, people don't know how to come back
and build the repair. That's agood thing, and that was opinion.
I'm letting you know that I'm notabandoning you right now, right exactly that's

(01:01:58):
important. I cannot I can't dothis right. I don't have the tools
necessary for this conversation right now,like we're going to continue to fight,
let's go depend on it, oreven if even if you want people it's
often identified it's like bringing up ohshit, right if I if we have
a have a disagreement or whatever inthe moment and like you said, you'll

(01:02:20):
retreat, I retreat to. Iretreat to because sometimes you have to figure
out like BULLI shit, like howdo I really feel about it? Like
am I truly boy? Or likeis this something worth talking about or what?
So in that moment, if Iever feel away, I always let
it be known, like you knowwhat, we may we may have to
come back to this. I'm notreally ready to talk about it right now.
I'm still processing that shit. Butshe's like, you know, like

(01:02:43):
I'm not. I'm not bringing upat come back. We got to come
back here. It doesn't have tobe a fight, and you'll have people
like I'm well, I'm not talkingabout it. I want to STI it's
like this, I like, likeI have been in full flag like debates
the arguments, haven't you want tocall it in my ten fifteen minutes later,

(01:03:06):
I might text like what you're doingand how you feeling like, but
that's just to pick back up andmake sure that the check your temperature.
Are we back? Are we goodat You know what I'm saying. But
that's my way. It's showing thatI'm not mad because I don't give a
fuck what you're doing. If I'mmad at you. So if i'm how
you doing and how you feeling?You know what I'm saying, Laura,
I might have thought, yeah Idid. But I'm that same way though,

(01:03:30):
Like it's an argument going one wayand I it ain't gonna be no
into it, Like I just getquiet and I just shut out, but
I get told i'm my non salantattitude, like I don't give it.
I'm just trying to spare everything.But like they just said, though,
I will admit I'm not the onethat go back to it though. Think
you know what I'm saying, that'sprobably where I should. You know what

(01:03:52):
I'm saying, pick back up lateron in the situation calmed down. But
once I shut down and I'm donetalking about it, I'm just done talking
about it. Going back to actuallytalk back about that scenario you could just
pick up and just converse period LikeI mean, maybe that situation wasn't worth

(01:04:14):
going back to. But you knowwhat I want to say this one,
I want to acknowledge Melinda's comment,and then two, I've got a got
a comment for what you guys aresaying. She says, my list is
a living list. I add thingsand take things away as I grow.
I also found that the things Idon't like in other people are reflections of
things I struggle with in me.Thank you, Melinda. That was profound.

(01:04:41):
It goes back to again, conflictresolution. Right, So, how
many when we were growing up,how many of your parents out of the
out of the six of us,how many of your parents after they went
in on you and they realized theywere wrong, how many of your parents
came back and apologized and acknowledged theywere wrong or did they just come with
you like let's go to the icelet's go get some ice cream, or

(01:05:03):
let's go get the shopping and tryto brush it over. Because these things
are learned behaviors, even from ourchildhood. And what I'm saying is we
weren't taught. You know, peoplecan tell a thing, but when your
parents never acknowledge that they were wrong. It's hard for us then, in
our adult relationships to come back andacknowledge these things because whether we want to

(01:05:27):
believe it or not, our childhoodoh directly affects our relationships, just like
women date their fathers and men datetheir mothers, or their lack of a
mother or the lack of a father. You see what I'm saying. So
that has to be explored and acknowledgedas well, and we also have to
give one another space. But I'mgonna say right now, even from this

(01:05:51):
question today, the biggest what I'mdiscovering from us talking to disconnect, a
big disconnect that we're not seeing,is the base of all of these issues
is fear. We do not feelsafe to express ourselves. We are met

(01:06:11):
with opposition, resistance, and judgment. Have you ever told us about something
and they had, Oh you usedto be that, Oh you was a
whole and this and that. Butwomen shouldn't be like this or men shouldn't
be like that, And you getall of this red tape and ship you
have to go through, it's justlike fuck it. So you know you're
constantly sending out a representative because youjust can't be real with all of the

(01:06:35):
judgment. You know, remember ourboy Kevin Samuel's wrestling his soul. A
lot of people had a lot ofissues with him that they felt judged in
a way, harshly judged by thethings that he were saying, even though
he had some good points. Iwould acknowledge he had some good points.
But we're too hard on one another. And and I say this, and

(01:07:00):
it's kind of what Diana was saying, but not the same, but it
is the same. We can situp and tolerate these jobs that be fucked
up. We tolerate everything else inlife okay, and deal with it and
come back. But when it comesto a relationship, when it comes to
somebody that we should be loving andit should be a productive and safe situation,

(01:07:23):
we struggle the most with. Howcan you go and work a job
that's toxic? You know you you'redrained every time you work in there.
They treat you like shit. Youshow up for it every day, but
one little thing with your partner,you're ready to run for the heels.
How is that? How do wenot hold space for one another? We

(01:07:43):
don't know how to, Like youjust said, I'm not. I agree
mostly with what you said about thechildhood trauma because a lot of our how
we navigate pobody on our upbringing andour experiences during our upbringing. But at
some point you become an adult andyou have to take responsibility for yourself and
your own journey. You cannot continueto blame how you were brought up on

(01:08:04):
who you are. But they don'trealize that's what it is. They gotta
acknowledge that first. So that's whythat's why lists are important. It's not
always the hard nose, aren't youknow somebody that's not an entrepreneur, or
somebody that can't effectively communicate through aconversation like those are things that can be

(01:08:25):
grown through. But it is youreverybody's journey isn't evolution. And once we
once we can respect that, youyou have to find those people who are
willing to grow as well. Thatis, that is a person that you
fight with because we're not We're nevergoing to be perfect. We're going to
have disagreements we had. We mighteven get into a damn argument because somebody

(01:08:45):
don't know what you know. ButI'm gonna love you through this, like
I'm I'm gonna love you through it, you know, you being quiet,
identifying that your person is quiet now, like maybe I should be quiet,
Maybe I should be quiet too,because he is completely silent now, like
or just I wonder why he's quietexactly checking like check in, like are

(01:09:09):
you like, what's what's going onwhere you're no longer engaging? Get this
conversation. What just happened? Youknow? Or maybe identify what Maybe I'm
getting too hostile in this moment,you know, and I'm causing you to
retreat because now you're feeling like youhave to protect yourself. That is a
that's a defense mechanism mechanism. Selfisolation is a defense mechanism, and so
many people don't identify that too.I'm not. And it causes because we

(01:09:33):
don't know how to navigate through it, and our partner isn't identifying that that's
our our defense mechanism. It causesa rift and a relationship that so many
people cannot come back from because itjust continues. It just continues. You
you stay quiet even if we talkabout it later, like yeah, okay,
we talk about it later, butthen the next time it's still happens.

(01:09:53):
I still do the same thing,and you still do the same thing.
Nothing is there's no evolution in thatrelationship. M There's there's no there's
none there. So at what point, at what point does the tug of
word battle in? We we wereso quick to tell somebody else what's wrong
with them, what iut seeing waswrong with ourselves without seeing at what moment
in every in any disagreement I havewith anybody, I always sit back and

(01:10:15):
reflect on that ship how could Ihave been different in that moment? At
what moment was it that you misunderstoodme? Or at what moment was it
that I said something and knowing youthat I was careless in what I said
and how I said it to you? And nobody does that. Nobody does
because you know, I'm gonna saynobody. I'm not gonna say nobody,
but people a lot of people don'tdo that, am I What's she about

(01:10:39):
to say something typical? Ahead?Yeah? No, I was just gonna
say, sometimes we need to takea step back and just observe non judgmentally,
and we don't. We don't dothat, you know, Just like
when Tom was saying, I justlike stopped talking because the conversation is no

(01:11:00):
longer productive. So I'm just notgonna continue putting energy towards this, your
partner. If they're able to,you know, it would be helpful for
them to notice, right like,did you see me? And do you
understand what's going on here? I'vejust shut down and you're still coming at

(01:11:23):
me? You know, can youobserve non judgmentally? We don't do that.
We make a lot of assumptions.We make a lot of judgments.
We're not seeing each other for whowe are, what we are in that
moment. Yeah, relationships, Inrelationships, we go into I'm sorry,

(01:11:45):
I'm sorry telling it. In relationships, we go into self preservation mode because
we are so afraid, fearful people, somebody leaving us or somebody misleading us.
Like, we go into the utmostself preservation mode. And that's why
the lists exactly, that's not reallyabout the other person exactly. That's why

(01:12:08):
I said I don't share it becauseyou have to be it's it's almost meeting
somebody where they're at. It doesn'tmake you the bad person because like when
people hear lists, they think oflike real superficial ship, you know,
like or real like the hard knowsbe so like, really, girl,
you know you, it's all aboutevolution. You have to be willing to

(01:12:29):
meet people where they are, andyou have to find somebody that's willing to
meet you where you're at too.But you gotta know where you're at.
But see, that's why I lovethe way Melinda stated her comment right,
and how her list evolves. Andyou know, I really when we make
a list, oftentimes not saying thatthis is, you know, the case
in every situation, but we're oftentalking about the other person and who we

(01:12:55):
should really be talking about on ourlist with us because somebody's entering a new
room, y'all. Oh okay,never mind they going. But I had
a comment, Raquel, because thisis supposed to be about like the black
relationship experience, right right, Ijust wanted to make a comment about that.

(01:13:20):
So we have a shared experience rightin society, Okay, black people
in general, we also black womenand black men have a very unique experience.
And I think the intimate relationship canbe the most invalidating space sometimes.

(01:13:57):
Oh who's this hello? Okay,you know what do you mean by that?
If you say invalid invalidating, invalidatingspace? Like you said the romantic

(01:14:19):
like explaining like the internet relationship.So for instance, all of this talk
about black women versus black men,and we feel the need to talk about
how one person one side struggle ismore you know, pertinent than the other,
or you know, all of thiskind of thing. And and I

(01:14:45):
feel like that's part of the breakdowntoo, right, is that we do
have a shared experience in society beingblack, but also the black woman has
a unique experience and so does theblack man, and when we come together
oftentimes we're not validating that those experiencestrue. Yeah, say that it is

(01:15:13):
true, but it is that isso like, that's to unlayer that so
far, because that goes beyond theblack household, like and I hate to
go and I don't hate it.That really goes into the destruction of the
black household, which was not aboutbeing black people, you know, with
sure society Like that that goes backso far, and that we don't know

(01:15:40):
how to be present with each other. And though like back to your what
you said about being in prison,like we cannot even we don't we don't
even feel that for us. Wedon't know how to feel that for us,
We're not there And it's painful.It's uncomfortable, yes, because we
feel like we need these things,but we do not know how to understand
how to express them because that isnot given to us. That is not

(01:16:04):
given to us at all, andas children, you know, and that
takes a whole different level of likeidentification and self reflection and working through to
even be able to provide that spacefor somebody else, because you cannot provide
something that you don't know how tohow to have yourself. And I think,

(01:16:29):
I think that's I agree with you, but I just think that's so
tough, like that is that isone of those things that would need to
be continuously communicated and heard and activelylike y'all really hurt and actively like working
through that's like a continuous work throughbecause that's that's a lot of self work
too. Yeah, it all isright, All of these layers are are

(01:16:56):
continuous, right, Yes, Ohtheir strong jacket. You me jacket.
I'm my closet. So I kindof had a question. So this is
my rule of thumb, Like Ifeel like when I'm in a relationship,

(01:17:18):
I had to think for myself andthe person I'm in a relationship with,
meaning I should know that person enoughto know what's going to set them off.
So it's my job to not tryto purposely set them off. It's
that crazy because I you know,I mean, when you're dealing with somebody,
you about know what's going You knowwhat I'm saying make them feel away,
So why I do it? Conflictis necessary in relationship though mhm for

(01:17:45):
growing Wow, purposely conflict I justwake up like, man, go here.
But we're not talking about dump stuff, y'all. We're not talking dumb

(01:18:06):
stuff. Well, I'm saying conflictis necessary. You might know what's going
to you might know that you know, there was an issue. I hear
guys saying this a lot, right, Like, well, yeah, you
know I had an issue with that, but I didn't say anything because I
don't want to do with your attitudeor I didn't I knew you were gonna

(01:18:27):
feel some kind of way about thator whatever. So something that was really
important to you just went by thewayside. But it's it's still an issue.
We're just not talking at yeah thisthis it's still going up. It's
still how that feel you're feeling like, okay, didn't make right, wishing

(01:19:01):
not that important to enough for me? To say something said that wrong time,
GP. It was kind of breakingup, interiorized on or something.
Bro open a car though mistakings ago. Huhm, it sounds like a robot

(01:19:48):
GP. Okay, I guess we'llcome back to GP. I think you
said it's only that's what is good? Okay? You back? Yeah,
the wild won't make it to theturt Okay. So I got a question

(01:20:16):
and then you know what I mean? Oh, here we go, I'm
back. Maybe not? What's thequestion? Yeah? Okay, so this
might be an interesting one here.Have you ever found yourself trying to change

(01:20:40):
your spouse to be who you wishyour parents could have been to you?
Yeah, I'm not sure those kindsof things happen consciously. Right, that's
a good point. I think you'dbe. I think you try to be

(01:21:03):
who you needed to be. Idon't think you necessarily try to mold.
I mean, yeah, maybe maybefor the first certain things that you certain
things? So what is that?What the hell was that? I don't

(01:21:23):
know? He about it there though? About there? That's that? That
had to be that, Jake,dude. But not to answer your question,
I don't, I don't. Iwouldn't even want to put that much
responsibility on somebody that I'm in theserious relationship with the responsibility of you,

(01:21:50):
of me trying to groom you tobe somebody that I wish my parents were.
Like, I feel like that's alot of responsibility on, you know,
on that person, right, Iwouldn't even but like Tiffany said,
sometimes you you're not consciously doing that. You might be doing it. You

(01:22:12):
make your macaroni, but it don'ttaste like this. You know, you're
trying to get it a taste likeyour mama macaroni, right, subconsciously,
Like it'd be little stuff like that, you know what I mean. Yeah,
Like, even reflecting on it alittle bit more, I think that's
where love lan people just come inat. Yeah. So it's not even
necessarily holding them to that statue,but that's love languages are created. And

(01:22:42):
that's why sometimes people's love languages kindof are interchangeable. It's because it's whatever
you did not receive, it's howyou perceive what love is. So and
and oftentimes that how we receive whatlove is, either from what we got
or what we did get in andoftentimes this vote. So I think it's

(01:23:03):
not necessarily on purpose that we orwe want you to be of my parents.
But I want you to love mein a way that I do understand
though, and sometimes that may nothave been with it looked like that my
mom or my dad may or maynot have given me. That's because that's

(01:23:24):
where that's where it begins, that'swhere that disconnects begin, you know,
like acts of service. Those areoften people that show up with people and
they look for somebody to show upfor them because that that last, that
last as somewhere. So you that'show you that's how you show people that
you love them, and that's howyou received that saying love. So it's

(01:23:45):
not that I want you to bemy parents. I just want you to
love me in a way that Iunderstand. That's real. That's a good
question because I'm thinking I've never triedto have anybody be like my parent,
but I have taken the good,bad and different of both parents and kind

(01:24:06):
of critiqued it into my own way. And it's funny to the point where
like my parents, my dad alwayssay like you're so soft on the kids,
Like the kids could get any wonI would do this at a third
But that's why these your grandkids.You know what I'm saying. So I
never I don't think I've ever triedto critique a person, but I will

(01:24:28):
try to critique if they're if they'reunder if they have an unpleasant vibe towards
my kids, I definitely would critiquethat. Like, but I don't want
you to be one way or another. But that's a good ad. That's
a good, good question. Okay, anybody else want to answer that?

(01:24:59):
No? Okay, So do y'allreally feel that there is a genuine divide
or do you think that social mediais pumping this mess up more than it
really is. Divide between uh,the black man and the black woman,

(01:25:24):
because I mean that's who And I'mnot saying that other races don't do it,
but I say I see us mostand it it depends, like I
always feel like when it comes tolike a lot of people we were just
discussing its a lot of people.Social media is for their business. But
if you just don't hear for thelikes and the loves and the post of

(01:25:47):
me and a women like and you'rein a relationship, that kind of kind
of not a good look. Butit's not a bad depending on who doing
it, you know what I'm saying, Like me personally, I don't get
on there too. I be Iwant to be silly on that motherfucker.
But if I I mean, Idon't want to be dealing with nobody just

(01:26:09):
popping her ass every camps on socialmedia, like because we represent each other.
So I'm not about to jump outhere with no great jogging pars to
be doing jumping Jackson shit, youknow what I'm saying. Yeah, I'm
gonna say this, and I'm headout right. I got stuff take care

(01:26:30):
of some stuff. But I dofeel like it is definitely a disconnect,
Like you can feel it, youcan see it, you hear it.
And I feel like social media iskind of just the outcry for like help
in a way you see it onsocial media, and you know, you
gotta take social media with a grainof salt. But yeah, when are

(01:26:54):
we gonna get to the point of, like, all right, some of
this stuff gotta be true, Likeeven though it's so media, Nah,
y'all really do feel like that aboutblack men. Nah, y'all really do
feel like that about black women.And then when you go when you get
off of social media, actually stepout into reality, you see it,
you feel it. It's just likelike when I was at I went out

(01:27:15):
the other week well this past weekend, Memorial Weekend, and just the I
know this ain't got nothing to dowith it, but just the disconnect between
black men within each other, likewe we can't even have fun in the
club without just looking at each otherlike enemies. You know what I'm saying.
You feel that. And then whenyou go on social media, what

(01:27:36):
you see on social media videos ofus killing each other, harming each other,
robbing each other. So social mediais kind of just like the the
spotlight of what's what's going on inreality, you know what I mean.
And it be small stuff you justgotta catch it, like small stuff between
black men and black women that youyou know, you might see on a

(01:28:00):
daily basis, small stuff, youknow what I mean, that shows us
that it is definitely a disconnect betweenus. Yeah, so I feel like
it's real. It ain't just socialmedia, it's real. Yeah, it
is social media created it. Ifeel like social media and they play a
part and intensifying it, like itintensifies everything else. But I don't think

(01:28:23):
it's responsible for the creation of it, right, it's the flashlight exactly what's
going on, and that's that's whatit is for everything. Though it's not
like that's what social media is literallyfor everything. It's not nothing new it's
taking place. It's just more access. I see. I feel like not

(01:28:45):
this girl. I guess she's beendoing it for a long time, but
I see she's been showing up morethe sprinkle sprinkle lady. Anybody know what
I'm talking about? Sprinkle sprinkle.Okay, all right, I'm gonna have
to i'ma have to find a videoand I'm gonna play it next week.
Matter of fact, you've sent mea video today that I'm gonna either do
it tonight or next week because Iknow, you know, we gotta start

(01:29:08):
getting ready for work and stuff likethat, and I know Millie's about to
get out of here, so we'llprobably be getting out of here shortly after
him. But yeah, I'm I'mgonna bring in some videos and stuff so
y'all can see some of this stuffand we talk about it because it's crazy
real. It was good. Itwas good talking to y'all. Hope that
you know, had this conversation again. Like I said, I want to

(01:29:30):
check me out. I'm on YouTubeme and in Millie. I enjoyed the
conversation. Thank you again for invitingtoo the platform. Oh for sure.
You know you'll get another invite nextweek if you come appreciate We need to
have these conversations like because need it. Yeah, and it's positive. It's
diplomatic. That's what I like.Like everybody's getting along. No one's being

(01:29:55):
disrespectful. I think we're being openand we're having fun with it, so
you know that's all positive for sure. All right, thank you. Listen
where did GP getting it together?He is he still here here? Yeah?

(01:30:19):
Yeah, I'm good. Not what'sgoing on? What's popping to hear
about? What y'all want to hear? Honey? Are you adding the food?
You had a story though? OhMelinda had another comment, let me
get She said, I try torespect people where they are and if I
can't rock with it, I dip, which is probably toxic. I don't

(01:30:45):
think that's toxic. I don't thinkit's toxic. If you if somebody with
leave, what type of talents tobe on leave and that might do it?
Huh? I think they want toknow are you one demon time?

(01:31:06):
When you get when you did youknow what now, what was this kind?
What was this story? GP whenyou was in the car, because
we want to know what story Ithink he was. I felt like he
was asking, looked like I thinkhe was telling this got to be the

(01:31:30):
end of it. Oh No.When she was telling that story, when
she was like, you'd be sittingrubbing your feet on the nigga and then
be thinking like that, I wantthis nigga to go home. But I
was saying, telling you all girlwas like the light I go over there,
it's a whole couch with you gottaWhy are you sitting there close to
me? And why are you sittingon me and just doing stuff? Is

(01:31:54):
just irritate me. I'm like,you know what, she ain't checking?
She checking the big nose. Thedefinitely knows on the on the checklist.
But she just wanted to be closeto you, sir girl. But day
we ain't got to be that closethough. When you ain't, you ain't
trying to spare no clothes, whenyou're trying to get between them thighs is

(01:32:15):
you? And that's the thing shethat that lets you know, makes you
wonder how much you like this person? Because if we're really feeling that person.
We want them as close as possible. We want to we want to
feel that body heat for real.Right, me and this person, we
was doing all right, But it'sjust be certain things that some people can't
be overbearing. That's the word overbearing, Okay, Yes, And I think

(01:32:41):
the nail and the coffin was herhome girl, her home her home girl
really ruined a good thing for her, her home girls as her home girl.
Tastic and don't even know it?Who why you ain't take her off
his hands? Why you why youain't distract he did? Oh? Lord?

(01:33:09):
Your stories? But you know atthe at the time, like you
know, you have a person thatthink they're something more than what they really
are, and that they can talkand dictate as they see fit. And
they don't always work like that.Like take a seat, simmer down and

(01:33:32):
go over there and play with thekindergartens or something. It is the doughts
over here. We may be toxicfrom time to time, but we're doughts.
This toxicity is amen. Let letlet the church say amen. I
mean, but then can we alsoagree that sometimes we find that toxicity entertaining,

(01:33:55):
Like we have to have a levelof drama because if it gets too
quiet and a nothing going on,it's like it might make us uncomfortable.
It's boring or whatever. It ain'tnothing going on. Listen, what did
you say, GP, What didyou say? You like a little bit
of crazy? Run it back fromme, every man, like a little
bit of craziness. And it justa tad bit, not a lot,

(01:34:18):
just just a pinch crazy. Pleasedefine it for us what that looks like?
Just say what it looked like.Uh, I'm not coming over.
You gotta sit all up under meon the couch. But I was pul

(01:34:49):
the argument just to make up.You want to be just to make up.
And you know what I'm saying,like that extra little tension like that,
get all up. Yeah, everybodywants Look, people love Jody and
what's what was his girl name?Jodi? And uh what did people love

(01:35:11):
that shit? They love that shit? They want to be a little bit
of crazy. It's like what lifesound ship? Now? You know your
mate got pet peeves that they justcan't stand. And you know they got
pet peeves that just irritate them justa little bit. And you know you
just poke at him and do thatstuff to just irritate them. Just a
little bit, like you said,just so he can get a mad,

(01:35:34):
just a little bit to be like, all right, dad, I'm sorry,
come here like that a little bitof craziest. That's base like,
that's that toxic four play? Isthat what it means? Yeah? We

(01:35:54):
four play? Have you ever wonderwhy she feels like she needs to do
that with you? How? HaveI wondered? Why? What rock?
Have you ever wondered why she feelslike she needs to take that route with
you? But it's not just ashe, it's a they. I multiple

(01:36:15):
people have done it. Okay,So have you ever wondered? I know
that's why. That's that noncelotness inme. I just I haven't. I
just I talked up. I justtalked out to them being crazy, like
yeah, this this unstable creature.It's something's wrong with its unstable things like
that. You don't tend to wonderuntil you don't like it. So it

(01:36:35):
sounds like he liked that, sohe don't. It ain't broke, so
he ain't trying to fix it.Yeah, because he's the common person.
That's what it sounded like. Toxica. I did not call you sheet with

(01:36:56):
disclaiming that this was a judgment freezone. I'm not doing. I think
somebody somebody lost a message in translationsomewhere along the work. I'm just noticing.
I'm just I'm just pointing out someobservations. That's all ready for work
or something tomorrow, do something.Okay, Now, I can't be on

(01:37:16):
the car now about to get youa demrror like he did a couple of
years ago. My god or mybusiness. Hey business, Hey, hey
business man and brother. You knowwhat I'm saying. Look, hey,

(01:37:44):
I don't want know smoke. Wegotta have another nigga cue anyway. Okay,
we knew it. We knew it'sabout the past. Time for drap.
That's the one I missed since sinceyou when I met, we haven't
had one. That's what I'm saying. We Airbnb then, remember I was
yah, that was dope. Yeah, Yeah, we had Yeah, we

(01:38:08):
had a good time. The GPand Black was on the mic that night.
Though we had a bog. Wedid. We did. That's what
I'm saying. We gotta do itagain. We gotta to do it again.

(01:38:28):
I'm enjoying, y'all. I enjoyedthe entire dialogue. Definitely will be
participating, but I got kids toget ready for bidden. Go a here,
girl, we're about to get outof here anyway, We're about to
get out of here, because youknow, we gotta save appreciate it.
Everybody's perspective though, Like, it'salways great listening to other people's, uh
it's perspectives on things. And it'snot always just from men, like I

(01:38:53):
loved here, other women's perspectives andexperiences and stuff like this too. And
to be able to have a dialogueand said, listen to people, like
reflect on what somebody else is saying, because we need that. You know,
we need to be able to openlydiscuss things and experiences because lessons come
from experiences and we do not alwayshave the same experiences. So sharing those

(01:39:15):
experiences allow other people to reflect onsomething that they may be going to as
well. So this, this isappreciated. Well, thanks becoming girl.
You know, you know I alwayscall you tag you with you said you
you missed it anyway, I said, I know, let's let's tag d
back in their baby. I definitelylike this, So are y'all coming back

(01:39:38):
next week? You can do thismany times or it's a few times if
you like. I'm like okay,so you already know I'm gonna sending her
a link. She ain't got aword. I'm like, you know,
I just gotta remember to set myalarm. You know. Have a good
night, Diane. Tell the kids. I said, hello, I gotta

(01:39:59):
bring London b J. Yeah.All right, all right, y'all,
y'all know we family. I'm I'mproud of you GP for tapping in.
I ain't think you was gonna comebecause you ain't say nothing, but look
at you showing up and showing out, and then he didn't clicked off.

(01:40:20):
Lord Melinda said, this was beautiful. This is giving me hope because I
seriously thought someone pissed in the datingpool. This gives me hope to find
something positive and healthy. Thank yougirl, Thank you girl. Thanks everybody
for tuning in. Please, Ineed you to hit the light button if

(01:40:42):
you haven't already. I need youto tell all your friends and family who
would like this uh to tap innext week at eight o'clock. If they
ain't into it, don't even tellthem about it. You know, we
don't need that bullshit energy, soyou know, just share with those who
are receptive. I love you somuch. Uh. Thanks tiff. Thanks
Tom, what's going in this mustbe gp uh gp Thank y'all and what

(01:41:16):
up? Go ahead, go ahead, Tom. I want to say one
thing before I hang up. Y'allreally motivated me to give us sincere apology
because after talking to y'all to day, I didn't have to bring up that
old as ship and I was beingpetty and it was kind of bullishit.

(01:41:38):
So I just wanted to put thatout there. I like to stand in
front of the bullishit that I'll beandy because I couldn't think it like damn,
it was, Oh what the fuckdid it matter? Anyway? So
I see we're getting the right andyou know what, thank you so much
for saying that, because that showsthat this really is purposeful, because that's
a resolution. That is a resolution, and that's what this is. The

(01:42:00):
intention that I had behind this wasa resolution and it was good to have
that feel a Vitamin D back inthe room a little bit, you know
what I'm saying. It was itwas we kept a tap on it though
for you. Yeah, we seeif we can get black up in here
with that sense. Hey, rockh This first one, this first one,

(01:42:24):
we came in very nice. Ican't say that we're gonna be the
same way going forward with other episodes. Damn I being here without a haircut.
No mother, I can tell youpositive conversations. Okay, so you
see our conversations don't be positive.I mean the man my business again.

(01:42:46):
I think that is not what Isaid. Hey, you know what,
eight two. When we get offthe answer your phone. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, you know what.Good Night everybody, because this has gotten
ignorant before anything else has said.We're tapping out love y'all. We out

(01:43:09):
of here.

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