The Disconnect within Black Love

Have you wondered why successful black relationships are rare?

The Black Love Group Chat was created to get an understanding as to why and come to a resolution to bring the family unit back in the black community. We are powerful together and to our core we are love.

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Episode Transcript

(00:05):
So what do y'all think is theproblem? What would you say? What
have been your experience? Well,what's like can you can you delve in
a little bit deeper on like it'slike, okay, what what do you
find challenging about dating? Okay?Because I know you know your situation?

(00:30):
What has been some of the obstaclesyou find when it comes to the opposite
des So you just want to golike real, real, deep earlier people.
Yeah, why not? I wouldsay there is a deep lack of

(00:52):
self awareness and accountability, okay,And the expectation is that we have for
each other are not realistic because ofthat, because of our we want to
be loved unconditionally, but without doingthe work to learn how to love unconditionally

(01:15):
first, right, we have tofirst learn how to love ourselves unconditionally,
learn through our relationships with you know, our higher power like expand that like
create that capacity within ourselves, andthen we can ask that from somebody else.
But instead we all just kind ofcome out here with these like this
is how I want to be loved, and then it's you know what I'm

(01:38):
saying, Like it's just not realisticand one party will always be given more
and the other party is not giventhe same amounting. It's not something that
you can work through through talk therapyor you know, just kind of trying
to build your relationship or one person'slike, let's just take it slow,
and it's like we're not going toget there until each person is doing their

(02:00):
own inner work personal development to createthat capacity. Yeah. I agree with
Candy. I think self awareness isthe biggest piece, right, Otherwise we're
just out here trying to heal ortrying to have other people heal us.
Right, they feel voids and thingslike that, and really it impacts the

(02:27):
lens we see the world and relationshipsand other people. Definitely. Do you
think that there is a strong senseof people wanting the opposite set sex to
make them happy, like they feellike their happiness lies in this other person.

(02:47):
Yeah, I do feel like likethat. Like, like it was
the name Candy, Candy kind oflike piggybacking off what she was saying.
A lot of people are trying tofeel that void of the previous relationship or

(03:12):
something that they wasn't in, somethingthat they went through that they didn't heal
from. And you know what Imean, like past trauma and things like
that, and it's kind of it'skind of like we're not doing the work
ourselves. We're just putting all thatwork on the you know, the next
person that we so happened to beattracted to or so say, fall in
love, where we put all ofthat on them and expect for them to

(03:35):
fix our problems. And the workreally starts from you know, self and
within first. And I felt likethat's where a lot of people are.
That's where the confusion comes in there, because people are looking for Superwoman's and
Superman's and when they don't get that, then they you know, point the
finger and saying, you know,this person ain't shit. That person ain't

(03:59):
shit. Yeah, And just topiggyback on what Melly is saying too,
what we're attracted to is we're oftenattracted to a particular person based on where
we are in our journeys, rightright, So I think that's a big
part too. You know, ifyou're in a space where you know you're

(04:25):
dealing with, like you said,trauma or unresolved trauma, who you're going
to be attracted to in that timeis going to be different than once you
find yourself healing. Het On ahealing journey, you might be attracted to
something completely different or someone completely different. Yeah, that's real, that's real.

(04:50):
Real. What about Okay, letme ask you, Millie, do
you find yourself? How is yourrelationship ship with your mother? And I'm
I'm not trying to dive deep intoit, but it is leading the next
question, how's your relationship? Right? Well, my biological mother, well,

(05:13):
I was put up for adoption whenI was younger. But my foster
mother, Noah, that's that's cool. I didn't want to be with you,
Okay, it ain't triggering, uh, just me being you know,
blunt with you. Uh. Butmy foster mother we actually have uh.
I would say now now that I'myou know, older, I'm twenty eight

(05:38):
and to be twenty nine on thetwenty ninth, I feel like we have
a you know, a great relationshipnow as far as communication and you know,
just things like that. Prior tome being an adult so like a
teenager and things like that, Iain't feel like our relationship ship was no

(06:01):
good. But as I got older, you know, started to mature,
I feel like now we have ano solid relationship. I could say that.
Okay, So when you're dating women, dude, you do they typically
seem like you're either one of yourmothers or do you notice that because a

(06:27):
lot of times they say, weate our dads and we date our you
know, men date their moms andwomen date their dads. Yeah, I've
heard that. It's rare. It'svery rare that I run across someone who
has that nurturing type of spirit,because as men, we do look for

(06:48):
that, even though we're not lookingfor a woman that it's going to treat
us like our mother. It's justthe natural. Uh, I'm sorry,
someone trying to call me. Yeah, it's just the natural. You know,

(07:08):
it's just nature, the female natureof her just being nurturing. It's
something attractive about that that mean,like, and it's rare that I see
that. I've seen. I cameacross it before, but it's rare,
you know, Like it's rare.And if it is, if I do
see it, it's it's not polished. It's kind of like an aggressive It's

(07:36):
it's an aggressive type of nurturing,you know what I mean. It's like
you talk, you're talking at itat me, but you're not talking to
me, you know what I mean. Like it's kind of like I would
take your advice if you said itin a different way, you know what
I mean. So a lot ofwomen that I've have came across, they
have great attention, its great nurturingspirit. It's just sometimes about how they

(07:58):
say and how they communicate it.Like you have some women that are probably
telling man like, well, baby, uh, I know you wanted that
job real bad and it didn't comethrough for you, but you will get
it next time, you know,kind of like maturing like speaking lighting to
him. You got some women thatwill just be like, well you ain't
get that job, ship, geton your ship, go back out there,
and you know what I mean.Like it's it's different levels of it,

(08:22):
but it's it's coming from the sameplace of nurturing. But it just
all depends on a man too,like what he what he's into? Yeah,
most definitely. So let me askall of you, see if Candy,
Lilly, do you find it hardto express because, like you said,

(08:43):
you want the nurturing but you mightnot get it. So now when
you're looking for something and you're notgetting it, do you have a hard
time asking for what you expect?Because sometimes we will get mad at the
part for things that we want,but we're not expressing to them what it

(09:03):
is that we want, all right, not anymore. I think with time
something that you really learn and asyou go through your own healing process and
really reflect on I am deserving ofthis, all right, Because every time
that you say that I am enoughand I do deserve this, you have

(09:28):
to not only believe that yourself,but you have to counter that from everything
in the world that's telling you thatyou're not worth all that, that you
shouldn't have, that that that's notwhat real love looks like. That's not
what a realistic relationship looks like.Like you acting too much, but you
think you something special like all ofthat. You know. But I think

(09:48):
for me personally at this level,no, I'm gonna get everything that I
want otherwise I do your time understandthat. I think it's important to note
to me personally. Being married.I think that we compare our relationships to
other people's relationships too much instead ofrealizing that your relationship is unique. So

(10:13):
what works for you works for you, and you should continue to do that.
You know, there are people thatare in polygamy. There are people
in polyamory and those people that arenot in those kind of relationships might have
a lot to say. But thenmy thing is to them, you are

(10:33):
not in that relationship, so youshouldn't worry about what they're doing over there.
It's working for them. And Ithink we get caught up and we
have a lot to say about whatother people are doing. I think two
big issues we have is one isfear and too is judgment. We're too

(10:56):
hard on one another and we're afraid. We approach a lot of things.
I mean a lot of things inour lives, money, everything, love
in a state of lack. Well, you know, Raychael just too.
I'm totally hearing you and agreeing withyou. And I think judgment is the

(11:16):
biggest piece, and it's not whatI think about is not necessarily how we
judge other people, but how wejudge ourselves. And that's really the problem,
is how we're judging ourselves. AndI've learned in maturing over the years
is to really give myself grace andin doing that that allows me to also

(11:46):
give grace to other people and comefrom a non judgmental place. But you
know, we have to stop judgingourselves because that's the biggest issue really so
true? So can we ask youas somebody who is in a successful long
term marriage, because I mean,that's the difference here, right, Like,

(12:09):
yeah, so I just you know, I'm divorced. I've been divorced
for eight years. I was inmy relationship with my children's father for eight
years. So you know, I'mout here in this day in the world.
But for someone who has been withher husband for so long, like,
what do you think the barriers arefor one, staying in your marriage

(12:33):
and like having to be successful intwo? What do you think we're doing
wrong? Like like from your place, your position in a solid marriage,
Like what do we do? Soit's a lot of levels to this,
right, because there's a thin linebetween letting the motherfucker just get away with

(12:56):
everything and tolerance. You have tohave a level of tolerance and patience,
I think, And this will reallybe great if he was in the chat,
but I think with both of us, we've had to ignore some things
and just really exercise patience. Andit's a constant and I know this sounds

(13:20):
so cliche, but it's a constantthing of choosing this person. I choose
you. It's it's a it's adaily thing. And there are some days
where you will be discouraged because that'sjust life, right, I mean,
real talk. You you don't likeyour brothers and sisters every day, you

(13:41):
know what I'm saying. Let alongsomebody that you're sharing a life with,
and life is hitting you. Andbecause I'm life and life is life.
And with me by myself and lifeis life. And with you on your
own and now we have all thislife and that we throwing together, life
is life in every fucking where.And then you got kids, you know

(14:01):
what I'm saying. So it's justa lot. It becomes a lot,
and you have to find those momentssometimes you just have to get quiet and
think about the moments of why didwe get in this in the first place?
What is this person that I Whatis it about this person I love?
For me like a lot of times, what makes me hold on?

(14:26):
And Byron is a great guy,but I'm just speaking to when the time
gets hard, right, So whatmakes me hold on is I get I
think about all of our memories andhow we started and where we came from,
and how he makes me laugh andhow he tries to be the answer
to everybody's problems and how genuine heis and how he really is a superman

(14:48):
in my eyes and many eyes,you know what I'm saying. And no,
he's not perfect. Hell I'm notperfect, And then I have to
think about the fucked up, stupidass shit that I do or have done.
You know what I'm saying to realizguy, is that bitch, you're
not perfect? You know what Imean? So you cannot put this person
on the cross. It's so easytoo, because you're you. You're you,

(15:09):
and I happen to be a personthat loves me. So yeah,
I mean and and call it.Everybody's not in Zodiac, call it,
call it being a lego or whateverpeople see as being arrogant. We got
three Leo's on the line, bythe way, it's three of us here,
so call it whatever. But we'rewe're confident people, you know what

(15:35):
I'm saying. We're very confident people. And I don't apologize for that.
But just as confident as we are, we do a lot of self critiquing
and we are hard on ourselves too, and that's what people don't know.
So it's just always thinking about whothis person is and who they were to

(15:58):
me before this little stupid riff orwhatever, and in the journey I mean
by me at up. I wasjust saying to him the other day,
I said, we need to sittogether and really start thinking and write a
book together. I mean, becausewhen I look over our lives, our
lives are really, individually and collectivelya story book, right, And when

(16:22):
you look at it like that,you really appreciate it. And you gotta
learn to appreciate the ups and thedowns, because that's just life. Is
polarity in life, and there isno ups without downs. So you gotta
be grateful for those downs and lovethose two and not look at everything as

(16:42):
a loss. When you get tolooking at it as a loss, that's
where it hurts you. But whenyou get to looking at it up,
how you gain from it and notnecessary a loss. That's how you can
move forward, you know what I'msaying. But we get so in a
dated then on being failures and andlosing somebod Someone is gonna look at me

(17:07):
like this, and what if theysaid this? And that fuck everybody else,
because everybody got some bullshit in thecorner of the closet that they hide.
They don't want nobody to know,and I don't give a funk who
it is. Everybody got some shit. If you put a microscope on them
tough enough, you're gonna find somefucked up shit. And that's just real.
So well, you know, Imean, relationships are it's a dance,

(17:30):
right, Yes, there's it's it'sa cycle. It's like you know,
you're a tune. They're misattunments andthen there's repair. What happens is
people don't know how to do therepairs, yes, you know, and
they just try to move along,try to act like shit's not happening or

(17:51):
whatever, you know, Avoidance,deflection, all of this kind of stuffection,
right, and we make we makepermanent decisions sometimes based on temporary emotion.
Yeah, you know, feelings change. I mean, that's just what
it is they do. And youknow that's very problematic when you're in a

(18:15):
relationship. Yeah, you're saying thingsthat you can't take back based on how
you're feeling in the moment. You'reyou're doing things that you can't undo,
you know. So yeah, andalso just like most people, right,
you're either in your emotional state oryou know, the state of reasoning being

(18:42):
logical rarely are we in this placeof making intuitive decisions that's real, you
know, and that can be problematicas well. And learning the whole Joe
tongue too. That's hard for alot of us. It's hard for shutting

(19:06):
the fuck up. It's powerful,certainly, certainly more yes, just give
them more often. Yeah, what'swanted to add? So what? I'm
sorry? Go ahead? No,no, go ahead, y'all want to

(19:26):
add? I feel like with thegeneration that we in now, everything is
just so fast, Like I rememberback in the day. I'm talking about
like back in the day, butlike when I was in like middle school
in high school, we had toput it like more work in to actually

(19:48):
get a girlfriend or you know,actually get it a female's attention and actually
keep her. Like because my longestrelationship was eight years. And I noticed
that because I'm a very like Ipay attention to like detail. So I
noticed, like as social media becamemore like popular and things like that,

(20:18):
I just noticed our relationships started tochange. It was kind of like,
you know how we used to writethe notes on the paper and things like
that. To me, that waspure love, Like you really had to
get some paper, you know what. I mean, write it. Sometimes
you would date it, you woulddecorate the paper drawing it. And that

(20:41):
was like an expression. Now likeas as far as like when social media
came about and became so popular,it became too easy for us, you
know what I mean, to replacesomebody into also to get somebody. It
just became kind of easy. Oh, let me let me jump on her
d so let me jump in hisDMS or whatever like that. And I

(21:03):
feel like that also plays a partin two when you get in the relationship
with somebody and the first conflict,y'all have y'all ready to call it quits,
because you know that at tap ofa few buttons you can get the
attention of someone else, like justlike that. And it wasn't that easy
back then, you know what Imean. Yeah, I just wanted to

(21:27):
add that parts. I think thatwas a very helpful part work. Hell,
how long have you gone Byron?Been together? We have been together,
let's see, I met him Decembertwenty three, two thousand and six.
We haven't started rolling since then,So how many years is that?

(21:47):
That's that's a long damn time.That was like my space A yeah,
yeah, two thousand and six.Facebook was just coming online. We've only
been out by the year. Idon't think I got on Facebook til like
oh nine. But had you himtoday through Tender Plenty of Fish or one

(22:14):
of these day and apps and y'allboth had Instagram and Facebook and Snapchat,
y'all had all of that, doyou think that you would have been able
to create the foundation that you had? Because these are really good points,
But it's also like, well,how do you even find somebody who's willing
to do that? It's like,yeah, like we struggle to, you

(22:36):
know what I'm saying, to getalong with people, like that's a given,
and even like within your even withina perfect marriage, you're gonna struggle
to you know, pop off ofthe mouth and say things you don't mean
and it hurt each other's feelings.Like this's gonna happen, even like to
the best of them. But findingthat person who's willing to be like I'm
gonna keep working on myself, ifyou keep working on you, and we
just in this and we're gonna figureit out together like that that's the obstacle

(23:00):
because a lot of people don't evenreally want that, like you know what
I'm saying, Like I don't thinkthat they really want want marriage or divine
union or like the people I don'tthere's something different where people aren't looking for
that anymore. And that's that's myexperience. And I'm dating men in there,

(23:26):
like late thirties, early forties,and they're just like, yeah,
I don't know if it's for me. Okay, So this might be a
little controversial. Okay, there's oneway to look at it. And I'm
not saying this perfect advice. I'mjust saying, you know how older men.

(23:49):
You know how Kevin Samuels, Iknow you hate him, but we'll
say stuff like older men tend toget younger women because they're more formidable.
And I bring that up to sayyou kind of in a way gotta know,

(24:14):
Okay, for example, like someoneand this can be it can The
reason why I say this is controversialbecause it can work as much as it
benefits, it can be a headache. So okay, you might have a
man that you come in contact withright that had a tumultuous upbringing. Because
he had this tumultuous upbringing, heis going to stick to his family no

(24:37):
matter what. You see what I'msaying, it's gonna have to be some
real shit to rock that boat forhim to walk away, because he didn't
have that growing up. However,you could, potentially, you could.
That's gonna take patients. It couldbe beautiful, but it's gonna take a
lot of patients because you're gonna dealwith a lot of You're gonna have to.

(25:02):
It's gonna be that trauma and thattrust. It's gonna be a rocky
back and forth. It just asbeautiful as it is, it's as difficult
as it can be. So Idon't know if that makes sense. And
I'm not saying you should go outand examine people and because essentially what I'm
saying is you're kind of looking forthe weakness that compliments what you want.

(25:25):
So it can stick, but itcan be problematic, you see what I'm
saying. I mean, because youdon't necessarily want to enter into a trauma
bond. But I don't know,it just takes some discernment. And I
don't know really how to verbally articulatethat to where it would translate to being

(25:51):
non problematic. I don't know.I think that would be a personal thing.
But you know, because sometimes dependingon the receiver of the person,
they might take that and run withit, and next thing they know,
they're in a traumatic situation. Butyou know, dude, I'm just saying
some people have been raised in anenvironment that causes them to want to be

(26:11):
loyal and try harder. Then yougot the motherfucker that's always had everything they
want from nothing and they don't givea fuck about you either because it's like
you know what I'm saying so doesn'tmake sense to y'all, or because and
you know, also based on whatwe see people around us do too.

(26:34):
Right, if you come from afamily of you know, women who speak
their mind, they you know,are very boisterous or what have you,
and they don't tolerate certain thing,you know, their tolerance levels are low
for certain things, then you mightfall in mind with that same coach.

(27:00):
Yeah, you know, but Ithink it's really important to be observant because
you don't always a person is notgoing to divulge everything about themselves to you
right when you start dating them,So you have to really be observant.
And all problems can't be solved.That's another thing too. Our problems can't

(27:23):
be solved be solved, so oryou can't solve all problems. So what
level of acceptance you know, canyou have? And it's tricky, it
really is it. It's tricky becauseyou're certainly you know, if you marry

(27:45):
someone or commit to someone, you'vebeen going that journey with them whatever that
looks like. Right, M Welldefinitely, so work carel though, what
was the answer if y'all met today? I think that it would have been

(28:06):
different on how you built your foundationfor your marriage. I'm pretty sure it
would. I mean, my wholecircumstance as a whole is why I'm in
this, which made me really bein this relationship, and and it's not

(28:32):
a bad thing. So this hasnothing to do with my Okay, So
before pre child, just me,I had been in a high school relationship
that I was in more on thanI was off. We were really closed.
We broke up. It was reallya blow to me. So my

(28:52):
mind frame kind of changed. Youknow. It was like I won't say
it was like good good girl,gone bad type of shit, But I
changed. I started being on thebullshit, you know what I'm saying,
the bullshit I I was on thebullshit. I was doing me, I
was having fun. I was unapologeticabout it, I didn't give a fuck.

(29:15):
I remember having a dude and Iknew he was on the bullshit.
And I've always been the type ofwoman. It's just like, dude,
we don't have to do this.Just be straight up. You got somebody
coming, let me know. I'mgonna mess with you. Are I'm not,
But don't come up with this dumbshit. Don't come up with these
fake ass arguments to get me outof here, because I'm not that I
don't care. I'll go find somebodyelse. But then when I had this

(29:41):
child, because MANA came from avery like overbearing household, very like controlling,
very just and I get it beinga parent, but it was still
too much, you know. Theyjust was too fucking much, too strict,
very strict, and what's what's thesheltered right, So I never really

(30:04):
had a chance to by the timeI was getting out to do me,
I ended up getting pregnant and itwas a whole situation with that. So
my point is, as I'm asI'm very ignorantly getting into this situation because
my parents, when my mom wasvery religious, my dad came from a
very religious background, so there wasn'ta lot of talking education on these things,

(30:26):
sex and this, that and thethird. So now I'm I'm sprung
into motherhood and I realized I haveto provide stability for this child. And
once I realized that, anne Isat with what I really wanted, I
had to get rid of myself,like what the fuck do I really want?
And once I became intentional with that, then Byron came along. So

(30:51):
I say that to my my shitis circumstantial anyway. So yeah, I'm
sure social media would make it different. But hell, by now, if
I was single this damn long,I probably stay single at this point,
you know, because just just howI think how and just my makeup,

(31:12):
you know. I mean, asyou get older, you get more stuck
in your ways, you're less tolerant. So are we talking like if I
was like my age, if Iwas younger me, but in this error
type of thing? Okay, okay, okay, okay, yeah, I'd
probably still be. I'll be onthat bullshit cause everybody is until I would

(31:33):
make up my mind. Somebody's comingin, y'all, until I'm you know,
hello, Joseph, Hello, Iguess he connected the audio. Hello,
thanks for joining, But yeah,I guess once I'm making my mind,

(31:57):
but d I mean, you havethis illusion of inclusion going on in
social media. They're selling everybody it'sit's the same thing. It's the American
dream on lie. It's the biggestlie ever and we buy into it,
right, I don't know, becauseI guess we like buying in the lies.
I don't know the reason. Andit's and it's high school all over

(32:21):
again online. So it's like it'sa lot going on. It's a lot
of distractions, and women are aregiving this constantly. Every day. It's
a new conversation of you know,you don't need him, you can do
better, and and and sometimes it'sjust like we might take that ship too

(32:43):
far. So I don't know,Candy, I really do think I think
it could be problematic. And I'mglad that I didn't come up in this
era. They've got some they've gotsome challenges to face. So we we
really got to be on our kids, you know, because it's fucking with
them too. I think more thanthey're hearing that you know, you can

(33:06):
do better or leave him, andyou know, I think more than they're
hearing that, they're hearing you know, you're more worthy if you're with somebody,
You're more valuable if you're with somebody. And I think that's what we've
been raised with too, right,Like that that goes so very very deep.
You got to think about being calledlike an old maid and you know

(33:30):
stuff right like ooh and you know, like just like what older people,
especially like in the church, likeoh, you're getting up there. You
ain't about to get married yet,you haven't had kids yet, Like like
that's what makes you a valuable person. That's what makes you worthwhile, like
you're doing something with your life.Like I think that that message, if

(33:51):
you're being loved by somebody, youare a more worthy, valuable, good,
worthwhile ass person. I think thatthat's so much high or thing.
You know, leave him. That'slike the faint voice, it's like you
know what I mean. I meanthat's I think that that's real loud and
I think I'm sorry, go ahead, you're saying, you're saying that's what

(34:15):
you see more of. Yeah,not necessarily on social media, but I
would say on like a day today basis, through every system that we
live in, right, like whatwe watch on TV, our families,
like the institutions that you know,we interact with every day. Is that

(34:36):
once you get me, Like,just think about it like this, Like
we all come together. We buygifts for people when they get married,
right, but if somebody is fortyfive and single and gets their doctorate degree,
like are we all getting together andbuying them gifts and celebrating their act
of self love and commitment to theirselvesto be that successful? You know what

(34:58):
I'm saying. It's like I wouldsay, as a culture, we value
people going into these marriages, youknow what I'm saying, Like we value
like that act as like that makessomeone more worthwhile, that's worth celebration,
that makes them better. And Ifeel that like I'm so I'm saying that

(35:20):
because like I feel that I almostfeel like sometimes like by not being married,
like I'm letting my family down,you know what I'm saying, Like,
Okay, now y'all got to worryabout me because it's just me out
here like that kind of like that'ssecond heavy. Yeah that sounds heavy because
I you know, it's just it'sjust like me not being a Christian and

(35:40):
speaking in tongues, So you knowwhat I'm saying, It's like I'm disappointing
somebody, honey, because I didn'tfall out and catch a seizure and catch
the whole you know what I'm saying, So I definitely, I definitely get
it. I think it has tobe noted that if you don't want to
be in a relationship, I thinkwe have to give that attention to If

(36:07):
you don't want to be in arelationship, it's okay. It's okay if
if it's truly what you don't want, people shouldn't make you feel bad about
it. But that's if you don'twant it. But if you do want
it, I want to offer toyou. Don't walk around and act like

(36:28):
you don't want it because you thinkyou cannot get it, whatever state that
you're in. All I'm saying isbe honest with yourself because when you're honest
with yourself who you are and whatyou want, things will move a lot
better for you. But a lotof times we want one thing and we're
operating in direct opposite of what wewant, and then we're confused as to

(36:53):
why, shit, it's not comingaround. You gotta come in. Yeah,
that's what those sell judgments come in. Yeah, you know, people
might want to live one lifestyle,might be you know, forty single female
and happy. Yeah, yeah,but judgment, Yeah, come in and

(37:13):
tell us we should be doing somethingelse. We gotta stop that, though,
We gotta stop that. I meanthe judgments when you're coming out of
judgment and you're coming out of bitterness, either one of them is problematic.
Nicole, Hey, what's going on? Nicole? Thanks for tapping in.

(37:35):
She said, the dating pool isso trash right now? Mmm, so
how are you? Honestly, though, I don't know. Maybe I'm a
little more optimistic or I don't know, see things a little differently. I
don't I think there's to go.I think there's some I don't know.

(38:01):
You know, people are complex,right, and everybody's not compatible, and
that's okay. I don't think itmeans that the dating pool is trash.
Okay, So this is what Ithink, right. I think just like

(38:24):
we're on here together, we havemade a conscious decision to collectively come on
here and share a similar experience inthis instance, right, But individually we
all have a different story, differentexperiences, and we're living different realities.
Okay. So I think in everyinstance, whatever you're going through a field

(38:50):
is true, because that's what you'regoing on and feeling. But I think
to Tiffany's point, I think thatyou do need to a tune that way
of thinking. If if you wantto be with somebody, you gotta be
optimistic that what you're looking for isout there right now. These Yeah,
these people might be trash that I'mrunning into, But he out there though,

(39:12):
I just he just ain't came around. And I'm you know, I'm
pretty sure Nicole, I'm pretty sureyou know that, and she probably feels
that way as well. But yeah, I mean, because I mean,
negativity ultimately gets us nowhere, rightright, that's an uphill back. Depends,
like you said, it kind ofdepends on what you're attracting and what

(39:34):
you're looking for too, Like,if you are running into the same kind
of guys, when are you goingto like kind of take a step back
and then kind of analyze, allRight, maybe I need to stop going
in this area to meet these guys, or maybe I need to stop meeting

(39:55):
guys online. Maybe I need totravel, Like this world it's so big,
and we we we we minimalize datingto our city. Yeah, that's
right. Some people haven't even beenoutside their city to even really experience dating.

(40:16):
And then when we say dating,what is dating like Now it's more
of a we live in the hookupculture. We're not really dating each other.
It's like everybody's just hooking up.And that first interaction of oh yeah,
let me take you out, letme get you another, that's kind
of like that's kind of like afairy tale. Now it's like, you
don't really from what I see andfrom what the guys that I know,

(40:40):
the dudes are talked to, thatain't what's going on. It's more so
like hooking up and then that's it. And then, like you were saying,
being more affront with your attentions andwhat you want. It seemed like
dudes are one, you know,to just mess around. The females are

(41:01):
wanted that too, But it's likeit's some type of dysfunctioning going on in
between where there's some outrage because everytime I get on social media, it's
dudes, ain't this, Dudes,ain't that, dudes, ain't shit do
it? Like I'm I was justsaying this today, I'm like, yo,
every time I get on social media, this is all I see,
like, and it's like it's it'smore so like a a cry out for

(41:24):
help, and I feel like it'sfrustrating and that's the only way that not
not the only way, but alot of women express it in a frustrating
way. And it's kind of like, so, what's what's going on?
Like you can't just say, likethe dating market is, you know,
trash, like when it's other guysout here that are actually good men and

(41:45):
those are the men that really don'tyou know, you might not be checking
for it, you know what Imean, because that's probably not what you're
attracting to. So this is whatso social media. Going back to social
media, I think it's very problematicbecause it does have a form of programming
to it, and I think itgives this. I think it makes people

(42:08):
think that the world is worse thanit really is, because if you look
at it, people really come tosocial media and they they they they operated
like it's their fucking diary. Youknow, fucking go write that shit out.
You don't have to bark this shitout here. We don't need this.
Stop putting your bullshit online. Stopit, seriously. And so if

(42:32):
you are one, everybody is programmable, but let's be honest, some people
are more influenced than others. Soif you're not one to take a pause
right and take a step back what'sreally going on here, then you might
get sucked in to this and reallythink that the world is fucked up and

(42:57):
it's not. I was just tellingmy husband today, I really believe when
humanity needs to it will come togetherand do what it needs to do.
People, I believe, at thecore of them, there are more good
people than there are bad people.But the thing about it is like anything
ignorance and tragedy and always louder thaneverything else. It's just like, yeah,

(43:20):
it's just like reviews on a restaurantor anywhere you're gonna see more people
are quicker to give a bad reviewthan they are a good review. So
and I'll take that too, evenmarried people. Married people get on the
fucking Internet and they talk about allthe fucked up shit in their marriage.
But what if more married people cameon and talked about the beauties of marriage.

(43:42):
You can still talk about the complexities, but bring it back to how
that was beautiful. You know whatI'm saying. No one says you have
to lie. See, we thinkwe either have to embellish or be miserable.
No, it's balanced, and that'swhere we fuck up. We don't
operate and balance everything is social.The other thing too, is, you

(44:08):
know, people who are experiencing joyin their relationships are present, they're living
in the moment. They're not postingright because they're enjoying their lives. So
that's something we also have to takeinto account. People who are who tend
to be dissatisfied or have some outof the norm experience or something like that.

(44:34):
Those are the people who are posting, not the people who are like,
you know, you don't post ona day where you're enjoying your husband
and spending time with your family andyou know, really present in the moment
and enjoying yourself. You know,you post when your board or you have
something that you want have been aboutor something like that. So you know,

(44:55):
we can't really look at social mediato let know, with the dating
pool personally so big though, becausebefore social media, if we didn't like
somebody's energy, we wouldn't hang outwith them no more, you know,
like it was it was, wejust wouldn't give them our time. And

(45:17):
so these aren' people that were interactingwith every day. But we're still taking
out their energy as if they werethere the people that we know, Like,
there's an accountability piece that comes toif you feel like you're reading and
I'm not picking up you, Mellie, I'm just saying, like, if
you feel I'm thinking on this,I've been complaining about all these like Alpha
male podcasts, then I'm so sickof seeing this and how the people see.

(45:42):
What that means is I need tounfollow pages who keep sharing that,
and I need to be and unfollowpeople talking about what I do. I
follow some people today. Yeah,it's like we're not on this page.
Like I can still like you,you can be my family, and I
can still you can still be myFacebook friend and I can still put them
and I don't have to look atit, you know what I mean.

(46:04):
Or if we're on Instagram, Ican mute all your posts and your stories.
I don't have to take in whateverstory and belief system that you to
push out, because even if itdoesn't align with my it is going to
like influence my energy, even ifit just irritates me. You know what
I'm saying, you know? Mhmm. Yeah, that's real. And

(46:30):
we do always have to consider thepart we play in our own misery.
Right, oh yeah, but oftenwe don't see too Oh okay, what

(46:50):
was your honey? What was yourtalking? I forget you said, y'all
say that was you were done withthat statement? That was it? It?
I mean we you know, Ijust think that's that's important. And
but you know there's that self awarenesspiece too, right, And if we're

(47:12):
in that victim mentality, then wesee life that's happening to us. Yeah
right, and so we're not reallylooking at the part we play. I
mean, a relationship is two people, yes, right, So the dynamic
you're bringing something to that dynamic,it does not exist without your role.

(47:40):
Agree. So remember I told y'all, let's if we could share some examples,
and I'm going to share an exampleof mine to piggyback off of,
you know, sometime with the wholething with life happening and really analyzing yourself
and stuff like that and then knowingwhat you want all that, I'm a
till that is. So I metthis food working at iehop. You know,

(48:09):
when I was about eighteen. Itwas a lot of dudes that would
come in there and they would theywould talk to me, you know,
and so it was I hop overthere on Grand River and Outer Drive.
Okay, so that's the west sideof Detroit, and this food one of
my number. I give me mynumber, and so we we ended up

(48:35):
messing around a few times. Itwas nice at first, but then I
noticed he started to get a littlestrange. She started to get on the
more disrespectful side, right, Andso it was some things that I looked
back now. It was an instancethat we had me and my uh,

(48:57):
some of my girlfriends. My girlfriendswould always roll with me. We always
be with the Shenanigans, and hehad his friends, and we were at
this hotel room. And I lookedback and I realized I was in a
very compromising situation. Mind you,I'm putting myself out here, y'all.
I'm being very vulnerable with this.I was a very compromising situation, and
back then I didn't realize what wasgoing on. And now it took me

(49:21):
to watch a movie to really realizethat I could have got gang raped in
that instance, because what happened wasmy friends and his friends left the room,
and it was he and I inthis hotel room by ourselves. What
ended up happening was the door Idon't know how they did this. I

(49:42):
have no idea, okay, andI'm I thought the door was locked.
I thought it was just me andhim in his room, but it wasn't
because these guys started to come inthere. They would come in, they
would I'd be like, why arethey coming? And so I don't know
what the intentions was, but itcould have went bad and think then creator

(50:06):
that I was protected, because itdidn't. And so outside of that,
that was one incident. And anothertime he called me was very He said
the most vile shit to me oneday. It was very disrespectful, and
I got off the phone and Iinstantly said to myself, I said,

(50:31):
I know my intentions, I knowhow I moved, but what am I
doing even with all that, evenme knowing what I think that I'm putting
out here, and my intentions werehow I'm trying to be, what signals
and my sending to give this guythe green lights to do me this way?

(50:55):
Right? I don't had to sitin anna lies that now partially looking
back, clearly I was naive.That was one big thing because none of
that shit what happened to me today, Okay, it just couldn't it couldn't
fly. First of all, Iwouldn't been with no motherfucker like that.

(51:17):
He wouldn't have got my time.By day. I'm I'm, I'm,
I'm more mature. I just Iunderstand things differently, you know. I
mean I stayed with a hood nigga. Oh my god, what I stayed
in the hood with some hood niggalike that was my thing back in the
day. And it's nothing wrong.I'm not saying that God's from the hood

(51:40):
are bad. I'm not saying thatat all. But this particular individual I
had no business being with, Let'sjust say that. And so after I
analyzed myself in that instance, Inever found myself being disrespected in that way
again. Did I still go throughsome things, yes, because we're still

(52:01):
learning and growing, But that neverhappens again. Because I had to look
at me. I had to getreal with what am I doing. I
gotta typen up whatever it is.I got to watch my step every step
of the way and make sure thatI'm not giving this off. And so
it's okay, love yourself, giveyourself grace, but you do have to

(52:27):
examine and be aware of what you'redoing as well. It's got to be
a balance. So don't beat theshit out of yourself, but also don't
be delusional and act like you're notsending out some of these signals that you're
sending out. I mean, justperiod. I mean, even even from
looking at my parents in some regarda terrible person. If a person's terrible

(52:54):
nine times or tend they're gonna beterrible. But they can even be terrible
and still treat two different women differently, because at the the end of the
day, I mean, he couldbe horribly terrible with this person and a
little terrible with that person, butthey you know, they stare terrible still
there. But it is true.You teach people how to treat you.

(53:19):
Yeah, and if they're fucked up, if it's nothing else. But I'm
just not gonna see him again becausehe's fucking I'm not you know what I'm
saying. It don't even have tobe you. Your signal could be you
even entertaining it further. You feelme. You just when you see that
dumb stuff, I gotta go.I gotta flee. What's what's your uncle

(53:40):
safety? If it ain't fun,I gotta run. You gotta get the
fuck on. You know what?I'm saying for real, y'all, please
hit the light button. If you'rein here, please please and thank you.
I love y'all. Four because otherpeople need to see it. We're
not gonna be on here too muchlonger because us what is it Sunday,

(54:00):
Candy? You gotta, yeah,y'all gotta. We gotta get up and
go to work. Y'all do yougotta get up and go to work?
So we gotta get up off ofhere. But I think we can wrap
it up within ten minutes. Isthat good? It's good. We'll get
up out of here at ten minute. I just do want to say before
we keep talking. I really enjoyedthis. Anybody watching, please feel free

(54:22):
to contact me. This could besomething that I do every Sunday. If
you are interested, you can signup. You can email me at Rocky
Road Productions LLOC at gmail dot com. All of that information is in the
infobox of how to sign up forthis thing and so we can continue to
do it. Because I'm looking forwardto this. I think this could be
great. I mean, it's alwaysgreat to hear people's stories and perspectives.

(54:45):
So yeah, so we might dothis next week and if if if you
guys prefer earlier time, whoever wantsto come back, let me know that
as well. I just feel likebout ten o'clock, people's kids are sleep,
people are in you know what I'mand it's just it works. But
if we want to do nine,because it really is like a school night

(55:06):
and a work night, I gotit. But anyway, anything else anybody
want to add before we get outof here, we dine like the piggyback
on what you said. I dobelieve that people you do kind of teach
people how to treat you by yourexpectations and your your self respect. I

(55:31):
remember I was talking to this ladyand we was talking. We're just chopping
it up at first, just havingcasual conversation and we worked together. So
we was like, you know,let's go a chill in the car and
sit down and talk. So Iwent to the car and I went to

(55:54):
my side of the door, whichwas the driver side. She was on
a passengers side. I'll open mydoor. I just I'm about to get
in. She's still standing there andI'm looking at her like like what she's
doing. She ain't saying that,She's just looking at me and I'm like,
why are you still standing at thedoor, and then clicked and it
was just like, damn, Igotta go open the door for her,

(56:16):
which I normally do that, butin that moment it was just like I
wasn't thinking about that. So thatright there for me was like I have
to now have to open the doorfor her every time because she taught me

(56:36):
that in that moment, she's notallowing me to treat her like that without
really haven't you know what I mean, without her really having to say anything,
And that kind of made me havemore respect for her, which I
already had respect for her, butmy attentions wasn't oh, getting them open

(57:00):
the door, which I normally doopen the door, right but me just
knowing her, just talking to her, it was it wasn't on my mind
to do. But she kind ofreminded me in that moment what type of
woman she was and what type ofrespect that I had to show her without
really having to say anything, justmore so with like actions, and like

(57:22):
from that point on, I alwaysopened the door for her, like when
she getting in the car or whatever. But I say that to say it
is kind of piggy back off whatyou were saying, like in the dating
in the dating space of this generationof twenty twenty three, to kind of
navigate through the bs, have acertain realistic standard and self respect for yourself

(57:46):
to kind of attract and the guysyou want or the girls, the women
that you want around you, becauseI'm pretty sure men, you know,
got to start having self respect too. It's men on the other side of
the same skills saying, oh,women, ain't this, Women ain't that.

(58:06):
But it's kind of like, howare you respecting yourself as a man?
You know what I mean? Likewhat are you tolerating? What are
you how are you presenting yourself?So I just wanted to add that,
thank you. I appreciate that,you know. I want to say this
too. And I think this issomething we can get into next time.
Deal breakers. I think deal breakersreally need to be brought up in the

(58:28):
beginning. And there's this thing thatis I've I've heard, you know,
you don't tell this is what thewoman at being a woman. I've heard
from my perspective, you don't tella man everything you're looking for in a
man because he'll just basically morph intothat man to you know, get your
attention, whatever. But at thesame time, I think that's where the

(58:51):
balance come in. So I'm gonnatell you what I'm looking for, what
I need, and then I'm alsotell you don't waste your time trying to
morph and act like you this personbecause I'm quick with it. I'm gonna
realize that you're not who you areand we're gonna be over. So if
you are not this person and youcannot, you know, deal with this,

(59:12):
maybe you should step. And Imean you don't have to be rude
like that, you know what I'msaying, But that's the sentiment, like
if if this is not for you, if this is too much, I
understand, no judgment, but thisis what I'm looking for. You don't
have to pretend to be that,just if you know whatever, we we
gotta at this point in the game. We gotta use our words. You
know, back in the day,you're afraid to use your words because you

(59:32):
this person might step, But butyou didn't realize that's the best thing for
you for them to step. Youknow what I'm saying. You don't.
We were busy trying to make peoplebe what we want them to be instead
of realizing, no, you needto get with somebody you're good with with
who they are, because you can'tmake anybody do anything. People are who
they are. And a lot oftimes we want to make people like they're

(59:57):
fucking clay, We want to moldthem. Fuck that. Go find a
person that you're willing to build with. You're not a parent, you're not
their parents. We gotta stop parentingour spouses. That's not and we're not
Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, wasn'tJesus Christ. We gotta stop this shit.
You know, it's not your jobto just be saving people and shit,
you can't even save your damn selfover there. Eight the hell up,

(01:00:21):
you know what I'm saying. So, yeah, that's Christ. And
you know, it's just being ableto observe again that word non judgmentally,
right, because you just have tosee things for what it is. I
think once we start assigning, like, oh, this is good or this
is bad, then we that's whenwe get all messed up. Right,

(01:00:44):
It's just it is what it is. This person has this going on.
I have these preferences, they havethese preferences. It just is what it
is, right, Yeah, andit's not good or bad or any of
that. It's just it's what itis. And I think too. I
know personally, I've had experiences whereI've made a lot of excuses for people,

(01:01:07):
right, and it's been like ornot for people, but for their
behaviors, and it's been like,well, well, I understand why you
know, they might do things thisway because of whatever their past or you
know, their relationships with their parentsor whatever excuses. You know, it's
like, oh, why, Iget it. I understand why they're struggling

(01:01:28):
this way, and like that's fine. You can have empathy for people,
and I think sometimes too, it'sthose shared experiences, right. I'm empathetic
to this because I've got my ownstuff, right, and so that's cool,
But you also want to be ableto observe and understand and not judge

(01:01:50):
them and then also decide for yourselfwhether that's something you want in your life.
For sure. For sure. Ilove how every bodies like points are
all coming together in like these finalstories, because I was just about to
reflect back on how Tiffany said observingearlier, because like this it's a good
point and where I hear you werekilled, I disagree slightly because I love

(01:02:14):
Melly's story about you know how thatwoman handled it because you said it,
you said it too, were killed, you said it in the same like.
Then you're like, if you tellsomebody exactly what you want, they're
gonna pretend to be that, right, And that's where you have to really
observe them. So I would ratherand this is how I've been going about
how things and it's working. Itworks here and there. But if I

(01:02:37):
present myself in a certain way andI teach you how I expect to be
treated, then that's they're either gonnastep up or they don't. And I'm
going to observe if this is naturalfor them, if it's something that they
can't do it, if I sayit, then you're gonna pretend, And
then it's gonna completely come back onme of like observing. Are they being
honest? Are they being fake?Are they just presenting what they want?

(01:03:00):
You know what I'm saying, liketo present what they want me to see
so that they can get what they'retrying to get kind of thing. I
think it's easier to say what yourintentions are, you know, I'm looking
for this level, this quality ofa relationship, or I'm looking to just
have fun or whatever it is,but not necessarily going to the details because

(01:03:21):
then it just brings in so muchother stuff, like the insecurities because what
if you're saying things that that personisn't but they can still bring you that
level of relationship, right or theycan still compromise with you. Like there's
so much that goes into or justthink about like all the Kevin Samuels and
Kindred g Like you get into thespecifics of what you're looking for and then
they just about to tear your assdown, like where it's like we can

(01:03:45):
talk about specifics, but it's reallyjust a quality or a value behind it
that you're looking for. It's notalways like that that one thing, but
I really love that. Teach peoplehow you want to be treated. You
don't have to say it. Youjust she gave opportunity, Like she gave
me the opportunity, yeah, todo it or not. You know what

(01:04:06):
I'm saying. She scared me atfirst, I'm like, what's gong is
it? But had like that it'sjust click, you know what i mean,
Like because because I'm being honest,I'm sorry, No, I'm sorry.
I was just saying like it hadthat been the first time that you
had met her. I only datemen who opened all the doors for me
and right, not chivalrous and doesn'tyou know do all this and then you'd

(01:04:28):
be like this being chasable right like, But I was like I was in
the relationship for a while, andthe person I was in relationship with,
I've always done that for her.Like I didn't even like her bringing groceries
in the house. I get mad, like you just didn't let me do
it. But she also was justused to, you know, just doing
a lot of things by herself.But I had kind of I took a

(01:04:54):
break from like dating and stuff likethat. So this was somebody that I
was just like just talking to,like just started talking to. And when
she did that, I was kindof like, what's like while she's standing
right there and it just cleared Ikind of automatically went back into Okay,
yoh, yeah, let me Uh. I kind of forgot, But yeah,

(01:05:14):
I think I think that's the mainthing. Also, people who have
different love languages, Like telling tellingsomeone how to love you, like you
said, it's kind of it's kindof difficult to do. It's more so
with action. I feel like loveis an action word, kind of like
faith, Like faith is action whereyou gotta you gotta put action behind it

(01:05:36):
for something to actually happen. AndI feel like love is you know,
you know, it's just action.Like so you you can kind of tell,
like we all have a conscious thatwe kind of can tell when somebody
don't like something that you did,or somebody becomes uneasy, they might get
quiet. You gotta you gotta analyze, you know, that person, not

(01:05:59):
analyze to you know, point thefinger at them like you always do this,
but kind of analyze to understand sometimes, like yeah, for sure.
Well, y'all, I appreciate y'allso very very very very much for coming
in. If you want to joinme next week, i'd appreciate that too.
If you don't, that's okay,we all got shipped to do.

(01:06:21):
But I love this. I thinkthis was a very productive conversation. I
think someone is going to get alot of out of this when they click
on it, and so I thankyou for that today. And I don't
know if anybody want to shout outtheir social media or if anything y'all want
to do that, but we're aboutto get on out of here. If

(01:06:42):
not. So you can find meat Candy Gatien dot com. Candy got
nothing. Yeah, I do passlike progressions and energy work and spiritual healing.
Let's dope, y'all can follow me. I got a YouTube channel,

(01:07:03):
met and Mellie or I kind ofI kind of talk about things like this
my YouTube channel. Yeah, y'allcan check me out. We'll put it
in the comments when you get off, go back to the video, put
it put in the comments. Okay, I want to make sure people see
that. I thank you, andthank you also for winning of your platform

(01:07:25):
and allowing us to speak because Ifeel like we don't do this enough.
Yeah, doing this communicating can solvea lot of you know, problems,
It can, Candy. I'll putyour link in the info once you Once
you add your link, I canadd it in the info. See.
Did you want to shout out anythingbefore we get it? No, I

(01:07:48):
just want to say that this thiswas nice. I enjoy, you know,
having these honest conversations. I thinkit's important if we're thinking about some
of these things other people are too. Yeah. Ohs definitely all right,
y'all much love and we are outof here. Bye bye,