December 23, 2024 • 16 mins
This is entirely a nonhuman conversation generated by Notebook.LM AI.
I don't plan on doing this often but I (Craig Perra) was blown away by the summary interview created based upon a video that I created a year ago. WOW. AI is coming fast.
Join us on a deep-dive exploration into the compelling work of Craig Perra and his critique of the traditional sex addiction model. In this thought-provoking podcast, we challenge stereotypes and broaden our understanding of compulsive sexual behavior.
From unpacking Perra's innovative framework of systems, needs, and parts to emphasizing a holistic approach to healthy sexuality, this episode offers invaluable insights for anyone interested in psychology, self-improvement, and transformative change. Discover how redefining our views on sex addiction can lead to more intentional, fulfilling lives.
visit www.mindfulhabithelp.com
I don't plan on doing this often but I (Craig Perra) was blown away by the summary interview created based upon a video that I created a year ago. WOW. AI is coming fast.
Join us on a deep-dive exploration into the compelling work of Craig Perra and his critique of the traditional sex addiction model. In this thought-provoking podcast, we challenge stereotypes and broaden our understanding of compulsive sexual behavior.
From unpacking Perra's innovative framework of systems, needs, and parts to emphasizing a holistic approach to healthy sexuality, this episode offers invaluable insights for anyone interested in psychology, self-improvement, and transformative change. Discover how redefining our views on sex addiction can lead to more intentional, fulfilling lives.
visit www.mindfulhabithelp.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You know, sometimes you just like dive into something and
you find somebody who really I do it makes you
rethink things. Yeah, and that's kind of how I felt
with these notes in audio you sent me about this
Craig Para. He's got some pretty radical ideas about compulsive
sexual behavior and what he calls healthy sexuality. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
I mean what really struck me right away was how
Para he's not afraid to talk about his own struggles
at all. You know, he's this successful lawyer. You know,
he's an executive, he's happily married, he's got kids.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Yeah, you'd think he has it all figured out, right, I.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Think that, But then he kind of reveals that he's
been battling these compulsive behaviors since he was a kid.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Eight years old, right, Like that just makes you stop
and think about, you know, how early these patterns can
actually develop totally, And it really challenges the stereotype of
you know, who we think struggles with these issues.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
It really does. And I think that's one of the
things that makes his perspective so valuable. He's not just
some outsider, you know, pointing fingers. He's been there, he's
felt it, he's felt the shame, the despair.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Yeah, he talks about going through years of traditional therapy,
right and still hitting rock bottom.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yeah, and even like getting to the point where he
was thinking about self harm, you know, like he almost
lost his wife.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
It's heavy stuff, it is, and you can like hear
it in his voice when he talks about it.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Yeah, totally.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
But I think that's what makes his critique of this
whole like sex addiction model so interesting because he's not
just like theorizing about it.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
You know, he's lived it. He's been there exactly. And
he even points out that like major institutions like the
World Health Organization, right, the American Psychiatric Association, yea, they
haven't even fully embraced this sex addiction label.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
They haven't.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
No, they see it more as like an impulse control disorder.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Interesting. Okay, so if it's not an addiction, then how
does Pera explain these behaviors?
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Well, I think that's where his whole alternative framework, right. Yeah,
he argues that like calling it an addiction can actually
be really damaging, you know, it kind of traps people
in this negative identity instead of focusing on growth. And
you know, I think he believes that a lot of
the traditional treatment focuses way too much on the behavior
(02:18):
itself and not enough on the underlying issues that are
driving it.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Yeah. It's like putting a band aid on a broken bone.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Right, that's a great way to put it.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
You know, you're treating the symptom but not the root cause.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
So he believes that we need a more holistic approach. Okay,
and that's where his framework of systems, needs and parts
comes in.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Okay, So let's unpack that a little bit. What does
he mean by systems?
Speaker 2 (02:42):
So he starts off with this idea that we don't
rise to the level of our goals, we fall to
the level of our systems. And he's actually quoting James
Clear oh right from Atomic Habits, the author of Atomic Habits. Exactly.
I love that book, such a good book.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
The idea is that, like, lasting change doesn't come from
willpower alone, right, it comes from building the right systems
to support healthy habits.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
That makes sense. We've all tried to like white knuckle
our way through something and failed miserably totally. So what
kind of systems does Parah recommend for building healthy sexuality?
Speaker 2 (03:16):
So he emphasizes self care. Okay, things like, you know,
making sure you're getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, exercising regularly.
I mean these might sound basic, but they really create
a foundation for emotional and mental well being.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
M h.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
And if you're you know, if you're constantly running on
fumes and stressed out. Yeah, it's so much harder to
resist any type of temptation, right, especially compulsive behaviors.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Yeah, it's like trying to run a marathon without training.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Exactly, you're going to hit a wall, you are.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
But systems alone can't be the whole picture, can they. Right?
What about addressing like the actual urges and behaviors.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
That's where needs come in.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Bara believes that every behavior, even destructive one, is trying
to meet a need.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Okay, So instead of just saying like, oh, this behavior
is bad and trying to just like power through it, Yeah,
we need to figure out what need it's actually fulfilling
totally and find a healthier way to meet that need.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
That's exactly it. That's the core of his argument.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
He uses this analogy of a plant growing towards sunlight.
Even if you prune the plant, it's going to keep
searching for light, right, because that's what it needs to survive.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
So if we apply that to human behavior, we might
be engaging in these compulsive behaviors because we're seeking connection, yeah, stress, relief,
a sense of control.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
It could be any number of things, right, but the.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
Way we're going about it is ultimately harmful exactly. Okay.
So that brings us to I guess another key part
of this framework, Yeah, triggers.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Triggers.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
He argues that triggers are inevitable and they're not going away, right,
but instead of fearing them, we can actually use them
as opportunities for growth.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
That's the idea.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
That's a really interesting way to reframe that whole concept.
It's not about avoidance, it's about learning to navigate them skillfully, exactly.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
And that leads us to the final piece of the puzzle.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Parts Okay, parts. That sounds intriguing, Okay, part. So is
this where we start getting into like the psychology.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Of all this it is? Yeah. Para draws on this
idea of internal family systems, okay, which suggests that we
all have these different parts within us that kind of
influence our behavior. Okay. Think of it like you know
the characters in a movie, right, each with their own
motivations and desires.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Yeah, Like you know how sometimes you feel pulled in
different directions, Like part of you wants to stay up
late and watch Netflix, yeah, but another part of you
knows you should probably go to bed.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
It's like those parts are battling it out.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
They are, and Para argues that instead of trying to
suppress these parts, we can actually learn to understand them
and work with them.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Okay, So if we apply that to like compulsive behaviors,
are we saying there's like a part of us that's
driving those actions.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
That's the idea. Yeah, he calls it the attic part, Okay,
but he really emphasizes that this part isn't inherently bad.
It's often trying to protect us, trying to help us
cope with like difficult emotions or unmet needs.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Okay. So that's a pretty radical shift in perspective, right.
It is, instead of viewing this part as like the enemy,
we can try to understand what it's actually trying to achieve.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Exactly, So, how do we actually work with these parts?
This is where mindfulness comes in. And I don't just
mean like meditation, although that can be helpful. It's really
about cultivating a deeper awareness of our thoughts, feelings, and
bodily sensations without judgment.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
So it's about like noticing those urges and triggers without
immediately reacting to them, exactly, giving yourself some space to
choose a different response.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Yeah, you nailed it. Creating that space between the stimulus
and the response is crucial.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
And you know Para emphasized is that mindfulness is a
skill that you develop with practice. It's like building a Muscleah,
the more you use it, the stronger it gets.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
So we're building up these systems, we're understanding our needs,
we're practicing mindfulness to become aware of these parts. How
does this all tie into, like the mindful habit system?
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Okay, So Para's mindful habit system is really about bringing
all of these elements together to create lasting change. He
argues that instead of focusing on breaking bad habits, which
could feel really restrictive and negative, we should focus on
building new, positive habits that meet our needs in healthier ways.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
So it's like, instead of just saying don't eat junk food,
you say, okay, what am I actually craving? What need
is that junk food? Trying to meet exactly maybe it's comfort,
maybe it's boredom, could be how can I meet those
needs with something that's more nourishing.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
That's a fantastic analogy exactly what Para encourages people to
do with compulsive behaviors, right, instead of suppressing the urge,
figure out what are you getting from it? Is it stress?
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Relief?
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Is it connection? Is it a sense of control? And
then explore how you can get those things in a
way that aligns with your values and your goals.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
I feel like this is starting to become less about
sex and more about just like a fundamental shift in
how we view ourselves and our behavior in general.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
I think you're absolutely right. Yeah, Para's approach is incredibly holistic.
It's about recognizing the complexity of human behavior and understanding
the interplay of our systems, our needs, and these inner
parts that we've been talking about.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
So we've talked about building new habits. Can you give
me like a concrete example of what that might look
like in the context of Putara's system.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
Okay, so let's say someone engages in compulsive sexual behavior
as a way to cope with stress. Para would suggest
identifying healthier coping mechanisms to replace that behavior. So this
could be exercise, spending time in nature, practicing mindfulness, engaging
in a creative hobby, anything that helps regulate emotions and
(09:09):
meet that need for stress relief in a positive way.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
So it's about identifying those needs, finding the healthy alternatives,
and then practicing those new behaviors until they become like ingrained.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
That's it. And this is where those systems that we
talked about earlier becomes so important. Creating that solid foundation
with self care practices like getting enough sleep, eating well,
exercising regularly makes it so much easier to adopt those
new habits and stick with them long term.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
It's like building a house on solid ground, exactly about
that foundation. Everything's shaky, it is.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
And you know, Parah is also a big advocate for
community and accountability.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Right, Yeah, he talks about that.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
He believes that shame thrives in isolation, and having a
supportive community can make a world of difference. Whether it's
a therapist, to support group or just a few trusted friends.
Having a safe space to be vulnerable, to share your
struggles and your successes is crucial.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
I imagine that can be really validating knowing that you're not
alone in this story.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
It really is, and it helps build that self compassion,
which is essential for lasting change. Instead of beating yourself
up for slip ups, which we all have we all do,
you can approach them with understanding and kindness, just like
you would a good friend.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
So we've got the systems, the needs, the parts of mindfulness,
habit change, community, self compassion, anything else we need to
know about this mindful habit system.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
There's one more key element that Para emphasizes, and that's purpose.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Okay. Purpose.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
He argues that having a sense of purpose, something bigger
than yourself that you're working towards, can be incredibly motivating
and can really help you stay on track.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
It's like that saying if you don't stand for something,
you'll fall for anything exactly. Having that, like guiding star,
that reason to keep going.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Totally can make all the difference. It can.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
But does it have to be like some grand world
changing mission.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Not at all?
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
It could be something as simple as being a loving partner,
a present parent, a good friend, right, or even just
becoming the best version of yourself.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
I really like that this is resonating with me. A
lot of what Para's talking about isn't just about overcoming
compulsive behaviors. It's about living a more conscious and intentional
life in general.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
I think that's a great point. I think you're right.
I think that's one of the most powerful things about
Para's work. Yeah, it's not just about, you know, addressing
this specific issue. It's about, you know, cultivating a deeper
understanding of ourselves and our behaviors so we can create
a life that feels truly aligned and fulfilling.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
It's like he's giving us a whole new toolkit for
navigating the human experience, and not just the challenges, but
also like tapping into our potential for growth and transformation exactly.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
And what I think is really refreshing is that he
doesn't present this as like a quick, fixed solution. He's
very clear that this is about deep, lasting change and
that takes time and effort.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
It's a journey, not a destination, as they say, right,
And I think that's a really important point to emphasize,
especially in a culture that's so obsessed with instant gratification.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Totally. Para really emphasizes that this is a lifelong process
of continually refining our systems, deepening our self awareness, and
cultivating that compassionate relationship with ourselves. It's not about reaching
some perfect state of being. It's about embracing the messy,
(12:44):
beautiful process of growth.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
That's such a relief to hear. It takes the pressure off,
it does. It's not about being perfect. It's about progress,
not perfection.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
I love that progress, not perfection, because let's face it,
we're all going to stumble along the way. Oh yeah,
you know there will be set backs, challenges, moments when
we fall back into old patterns. But the key is
to approach those moments with self compassion, Yeah, and use
them as opportunities to learn and grow.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
So, if someone's listening to this and thinking like, wow,
this all really resonates with me. Yeah, but I don't
even know where to begin. What would you suggest as
like a first step?
Speaker 2 (13:20):
I think the most powerful first step is simply cultivating
that awareness that Para talks about. Okay, you know, start
paying attention to your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors. Notice
what triggers those compulsive urges, What needs it you're trying
to meet through those behaviors. Yeah, don't judge yourself, just
observe with curiosity.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
It's like becoming a detective of your own inner world exactly. Yeah,
uncovering those patterns and motivations that have been operating under
the surface.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
And once you start to understand those patterns, you can
begin experimenting with healthier alternatives. Okay, you know, can you
replace that late night scrolling with a relaxing bedtime? Can
you swap that sugary snack for a piece of fruit
and a mindful walk. It's about making those small, incremental
changes that over time can lead to really profound shifts.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
I think a lot of people might be surprised by
how empowering that can feel. Taking control of your choices,
building those positive habits, and starting to feel like you're
actually the author of your own story.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
It's incredibly empowering. And remember you don't have to do
this alone, you know. PARA really emphasizes the importance of
community and support. Yeah, find a therapist, join a support group,
connect with friends or family members who can offer encouragement
and accountability.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
That sense of connection can be so vital. It is
especially when you're facing challenges. It's a reminder that we're
all in this together. We are we all struggle and
that support is available.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Well, I think we've covered a lot of ground today.
We have, you know, we really dove deep into Craig
Para's work and this mindful habit system.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Yeah, it's not just about overcoming compulsive sexual behavior. It's
about cultivating a more conscious, intentional, and fulfilling life overall.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
It is.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Well, before we wrap up, I want to leave our
listeners with the final thought, something to ponder as they
continue on their own journey of self discovery.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
You know what really stands out to me is Prayer's
emphasis on viewing even our most challenging behaviors with compassion
and understanding.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Hmm.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
He reminds us that these behaviors are often misguided attempts
to meet needs, to protect ourselves, to cope with difficult emotions. So,
as you reflect on your own experiences, ask yourself what
needs are those behaviors trying to meet? And how can
I meet those needs in a way that aligns with
(15:45):
my values and supports my overall well being.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
That's a powerful question to sit with. It is, and remember,
this is a journey, not a race. There's no finish line,
no perfect destination. It's about embracing the process, the ups
and down, the stumbles and triumphs, and continuing to learn
and grow along the way.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Well, thanks for joining us on this deep dive. Was
my pleasure, and remember you have the power to shape
your own story and the resources and support are out
there to help you along the way.
You know, sometimes you just like dive into something and
you find somebody who really I do it makes you
rethink things. Yeah, and that's kind of how I felt
with these notes in audio you sent me about this
Craig Para. He's got some pretty radical ideas about compulsive
sexual behavior and what he calls healthy sexuality. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
I mean what really struck me right away was how
Para he's not afraid to talk about his own struggles
at all. You know, he's this successful lawyer. You know,
he's an executive, he's happily married, he's got kids.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Yeah, you'd think he has it all figured out, right, I.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Think that, But then he kind of reveals that he's
been battling these compulsive behaviors since he was a kid.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Eight years old, right, Like that just makes you stop
and think about, you know, how early these patterns can
actually develop totally, And it really challenges the stereotype of
you know, who we think struggles with these issues.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
It really does. And I think that's one of the
things that makes his perspective so valuable. He's not just
some outsider, you know, pointing fingers. He's been there, he's
felt it, he's felt the shame, the despair.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Yeah, he talks about going through years of traditional therapy,
right and still hitting rock bottom.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yeah, and even like getting to the point where he
was thinking about self harm, you know, like he almost
lost his wife.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
It's heavy stuff, it is, and you can like hear
it in his voice when he talks about it.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Yeah, totally.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
But I think that's what makes his critique of this
whole like sex addiction model so interesting because he's not
just like theorizing about it.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
You know, he's lived it. He's been there exactly. And
he even points out that like major institutions like the
World Health Organization, right, the American Psychiatric Association, yea, they
haven't even fully embraced this sex addiction label.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
They haven't.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
No, they see it more as like an impulse control disorder.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Interesting. Okay, so if it's not an addiction, then how
does Pera explain these behaviors?
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Well, I think that's where his whole alternative framework, right. Yeah,
he argues that like calling it an addiction can actually
be really damaging, you know, it kind of traps people
in this negative identity instead of focusing on growth. And
you know, I think he believes that a lot of
the traditional treatment focuses way too much on the behavior
(02:18):
itself and not enough on the underlying issues that are
driving it.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Yeah. It's like putting a band aid on a broken bone.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Right, that's a great way to put it.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
You know, you're treating the symptom but not the root cause.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
So he believes that we need a more holistic approach. Okay,
and that's where his framework of systems, needs and parts
comes in.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Okay, So let's unpack that a little bit. What does
he mean by systems?
Speaker 2 (02:42):
So he starts off with this idea that we don't
rise to the level of our goals, we fall to
the level of our systems. And he's actually quoting James
Clear oh right from Atomic Habits, the author of Atomic Habits. Exactly.
I love that book, such a good book.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
The idea is that, like, lasting change doesn't come from
willpower alone, right, it comes from building the right systems
to support healthy habits.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
That makes sense. We've all tried to like white knuckle
our way through something and failed miserably totally. So what
kind of systems does Parah recommend for building healthy sexuality?
Speaker 2 (03:16):
So he emphasizes self care. Okay, things like, you know,
making sure you're getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, exercising regularly.
I mean these might sound basic, but they really create
a foundation for emotional and mental well being.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
M h.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
And if you're you know, if you're constantly running on
fumes and stressed out. Yeah, it's so much harder to
resist any type of temptation, right, especially compulsive behaviors.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Yeah, it's like trying to run a marathon without training.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Exactly, you're going to hit a wall, you are.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
But systems alone can't be the whole picture, can they. Right?
What about addressing like the actual urges and behaviors.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
That's where needs come in.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Bara believes that every behavior, even destructive one, is trying
to meet a need.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Okay, So instead of just saying like, oh, this behavior
is bad and trying to just like power through it, Yeah,
we need to figure out what need it's actually fulfilling
totally and find a healthier way to meet that need.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
That's exactly it. That's the core of his argument.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
He uses this analogy of a plant growing towards sunlight.
Even if you prune the plant, it's going to keep
searching for light, right, because that's what it needs to survive.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
So if we apply that to human behavior, we might
be engaging in these compulsive behaviors because we're seeking connection, yeah, stress, relief,
a sense of control.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
It could be any number of things, right, but the.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
Way we're going about it is ultimately harmful exactly. Okay.
So that brings us to I guess another key part
of this framework, Yeah, triggers.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Triggers.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
He argues that triggers are inevitable and they're not going away, right,
but instead of fearing them, we can actually use them
as opportunities for growth.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
That's the idea.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
That's a really interesting way to reframe that whole concept.
It's not about avoidance, it's about learning to navigate them skillfully, exactly.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
And that leads us to the final piece of the puzzle.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Parts Okay, parts. That sounds intriguing, Okay, part. So is
this where we start getting into like the psychology.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Of all this it is? Yeah. Para draws on this
idea of internal family systems, okay, which suggests that we
all have these different parts within us that kind of
influence our behavior. Okay. Think of it like you know
the characters in a movie, right, each with their own
motivations and desires.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Yeah, Like you know how sometimes you feel pulled in
different directions, Like part of you wants to stay up
late and watch Netflix, yeah, but another part of you
knows you should probably go to bed.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
It's like those parts are battling it out.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
They are, and Para argues that instead of trying to
suppress these parts, we can actually learn to understand them
and work with them.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Okay, So if we apply that to like compulsive behaviors,
are we saying there's like a part of us that's
driving those actions.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
That's the idea. Yeah, he calls it the attic part, Okay,
but he really emphasizes that this part isn't inherently bad.
It's often trying to protect us, trying to help us
cope with like difficult emotions or unmet needs.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Okay. So that's a pretty radical shift in perspective, right.
It is, instead of viewing this part as like the enemy,
we can try to understand what it's actually trying to achieve.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Exactly, So, how do we actually work with these parts?
This is where mindfulness comes in. And I don't just
mean like meditation, although that can be helpful. It's really
about cultivating a deeper awareness of our thoughts, feelings, and
bodily sensations without judgment.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
So it's about like noticing those urges and triggers without
immediately reacting to them, exactly, giving yourself some space to
choose a different response.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Yeah, you nailed it. Creating that space between the stimulus
and the response is crucial.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
And you know Para emphasized is that mindfulness is a
skill that you develop with practice. It's like building a Muscleah,
the more you use it, the stronger it gets.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
So we're building up these systems, we're understanding our needs,
we're practicing mindfulness to become aware of these parts. How
does this all tie into, like the mindful habit system?
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Okay, So Para's mindful habit system is really about bringing
all of these elements together to create lasting change. He
argues that instead of focusing on breaking bad habits, which
could feel really restrictive and negative, we should focus on
building new, positive habits that meet our needs in healthier ways.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
So it's like, instead of just saying don't eat junk food,
you say, okay, what am I actually craving? What need
is that junk food? Trying to meet exactly maybe it's comfort,
maybe it's boredom, could be how can I meet those
needs with something that's more nourishing.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
That's a fantastic analogy exactly what Para encourages people to
do with compulsive behaviors, right, instead of suppressing the urge,
figure out what are you getting from it? Is it stress?
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Relief?
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Is it connection? Is it a sense of control? And
then explore how you can get those things in a
way that aligns with your values and your goals.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
I feel like this is starting to become less about
sex and more about just like a fundamental shift in
how we view ourselves and our behavior in general.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
I think you're absolutely right. Yeah, Para's approach is incredibly holistic.
It's about recognizing the complexity of human behavior and understanding
the interplay of our systems, our needs, and these inner
parts that we've been talking about.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
So we've talked about building new habits. Can you give
me like a concrete example of what that might look
like in the context of Putara's system.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
Okay, so let's say someone engages in compulsive sexual behavior
as a way to cope with stress. Para would suggest
identifying healthier coping mechanisms to replace that behavior. So this
could be exercise, spending time in nature, practicing mindfulness, engaging
in a creative hobby, anything that helps regulate emotions and
(09:09):
meet that need for stress relief in a positive way.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
So it's about identifying those needs, finding the healthy alternatives,
and then practicing those new behaviors until they become like ingrained.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
That's it. And this is where those systems that we
talked about earlier becomes so important. Creating that solid foundation
with self care practices like getting enough sleep, eating well,
exercising regularly makes it so much easier to adopt those
new habits and stick with them long term.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
It's like building a house on solid ground, exactly about
that foundation. Everything's shaky, it is.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
And you know, Parah is also a big advocate for
community and accountability.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Right, Yeah, he talks about that.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
He believes that shame thrives in isolation, and having a
supportive community can make a world of difference. Whether it's
a therapist, to support group or just a few trusted friends.
Having a safe space to be vulnerable, to share your
struggles and your successes is crucial.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
I imagine that can be really validating knowing that you're not
alone in this story.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
It really is, and it helps build that self compassion,
which is essential for lasting change. Instead of beating yourself
up for slip ups, which we all have we all do,
you can approach them with understanding and kindness, just like
you would a good friend.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
So we've got the systems, the needs, the parts of mindfulness,
habit change, community, self compassion, anything else we need to
know about this mindful habit system.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
There's one more key element that Para emphasizes, and that's purpose.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Okay. Purpose.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
He argues that having a sense of purpose, something bigger
than yourself that you're working towards, can be incredibly motivating
and can really help you stay on track.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
It's like that saying if you don't stand for something,
you'll fall for anything exactly. Having that, like guiding star,
that reason to keep going.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Totally can make all the difference. It can.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
But does it have to be like some grand world
changing mission.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Not at all?
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
It could be something as simple as being a loving partner,
a present parent, a good friend, right, or even just
becoming the best version of yourself.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
I really like that this is resonating with me. A
lot of what Para's talking about isn't just about overcoming
compulsive behaviors. It's about living a more conscious and intentional
life in general.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
I think that's a great point. I think you're right.
I think that's one of the most powerful things about
Para's work. Yeah, it's not just about, you know, addressing
this specific issue. It's about, you know, cultivating a deeper
understanding of ourselves and our behaviors so we can create
a life that feels truly aligned and fulfilling.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
It's like he's giving us a whole new toolkit for
navigating the human experience, and not just the challenges, but
also like tapping into our potential for growth and transformation exactly.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
And what I think is really refreshing is that he
doesn't present this as like a quick, fixed solution. He's
very clear that this is about deep, lasting change and
that takes time and effort.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
It's a journey, not a destination, as they say, right,
And I think that's a really important point to emphasize,
especially in a culture that's so obsessed with instant gratification.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Totally. Para really emphasizes that this is a lifelong process
of continually refining our systems, deepening our self awareness, and
cultivating that compassionate relationship with ourselves. It's not about reaching
some perfect state of being. It's about embracing the messy,
(12:44):
beautiful process of growth.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
That's such a relief to hear. It takes the pressure off,
it does. It's not about being perfect. It's about progress,
not perfection.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
I love that progress, not perfection, because let's face it,
we're all going to stumble along the way. Oh yeah,
you know there will be set backs, challenges, moments when
we fall back into old patterns. But the key is
to approach those moments with self compassion, Yeah, and use
them as opportunities to learn and grow.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
So, if someone's listening to this and thinking like, wow,
this all really resonates with me. Yeah, but I don't
even know where to begin. What would you suggest as
like a first step?
Speaker 2 (13:20):
I think the most powerful first step is simply cultivating
that awareness that Para talks about. Okay, you know, start
paying attention to your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors. Notice
what triggers those compulsive urges, What needs it you're trying
to meet through those behaviors. Yeah, don't judge yourself, just
observe with curiosity.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
It's like becoming a detective of your own inner world exactly. Yeah,
uncovering those patterns and motivations that have been operating under
the surface.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
And once you start to understand those patterns, you can
begin experimenting with healthier alternatives. Okay, you know, can you
replace that late night scrolling with a relaxing bedtime? Can
you swap that sugary snack for a piece of fruit
and a mindful walk. It's about making those small, incremental
changes that over time can lead to really profound shifts.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
I think a lot of people might be surprised by
how empowering that can feel. Taking control of your choices,
building those positive habits, and starting to feel like you're
actually the author of your own story.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
It's incredibly empowering. And remember you don't have to do
this alone, you know. PARA really emphasizes the importance of
community and support. Yeah, find a therapist, join a support group,
connect with friends or family members who can offer encouragement
and accountability.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
That sense of connection can be so vital. It is
especially when you're facing challenges. It's a reminder that we're
all in this together. We are we all struggle and
that support is available.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Well, I think we've covered a lot of ground today.
We have, you know, we really dove deep into Craig
Para's work and this mindful habit system.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Yeah, it's not just about overcoming compulsive sexual behavior. It's
about cultivating a more conscious, intentional, and fulfilling life overall.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
It is.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Well, before we wrap up, I want to leave our
listeners with the final thought, something to ponder as they
continue on their own journey of self discovery.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
You know what really stands out to me is Prayer's
emphasis on viewing even our most challenging behaviors with compassion
and understanding.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Hmm.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
He reminds us that these behaviors are often misguided attempts
to meet needs, to protect ourselves, to cope with difficult emotions. So,
as you reflect on your own experiences, ask yourself what
needs are those behaviors trying to meet? And how can
I meet those needs in a way that aligns with
(15:45):
my values and supports my overall well being.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
That's a powerful question to sit with. It is, and remember,
this is a journey, not a race. There's no finish line,
no perfect destination. It's about embracing the process, the ups
and down, the stumbles and triumphs, and continuing to learn
and grow along the way.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Well, thanks for joining us on this deep dive. Was
my pleasure, and remember you have the power to shape
your own story and the resources and support are out
there to help you along the way.
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