January 6, 2025 • 20 mins
Welcome to my New Year's 2025 podcast! In this episode, we discuss the three levels of change necessary for overcoming sex and porn addiction. Learn actionable steps to achieve long-term success and hear my best advice on transforming habits from my 13 years of experience with the Mindful Habit System. Don't miss out on this insightful journey to better yourself! 📚
Resources Mentioned:
VISIT www.mindfulhabithelp.com CALL if you want to talk to our receptionist to learn more about our programs and costs and to schedule an appointment with Craig: (877)769-3790
Resources Mentioned:
- Atomic Habits by James Clear - https://amzn.to/3NMSCH5
- One Small Step Can Change Your Life by Dr. Robert Maurer - https://amzn.to/3V9ATOw
VISIT www.mindfulhabithelp.com CALL if you want to talk to our receptionist to learn more about our programs and costs and to schedule an appointment with Craig: (877)769-3790
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Happy New Year's brothers and sisters. Today, in my first
podcast of twenty twenty five, I'm going to talk about
the three levels of change that you must know if
you want to be successful long term. And I also
want to give you two of the best pieces of
advice that I give clients. My name is Craig Perra.
(00:23):
I'm the founder of the Mindful Habit System, and in
seven days from now, the Mindful Habit System is thirty
and I am so so proud of what Michelle and
I created. It is a great honor and a great
privilege to be supporting you on this journey and I
hope you get value. Let's jump right in. So there
(00:45):
are three levels of change, and I want to direct
your attention to the book Atomic Habits. I'm going to
include a link down below. If you do not have
Atomic Habits, you must read Atomic Habits. Atomic Habits is mandatory.
Atomic Habits is mandatory reading for my clients, and it
(01:07):
should be mandatory reading for you. The author is James Clear.
We are habit machines. Everything that we do is a
train condition response. You getting defensive, shutting down, turning to porn.
All train conditioned responses, lying train, conditioned response, all of it.
(01:32):
And I knew. I've been in recovery twenty years at
my low point, and I knew so little about habits.
I started with the book Power of Habit by Charles Douhig,
which is awesome. You should check that out too. But
let's get into Atomic habits. According to Atomic Habits and
author James Clear, there are three levels of change, outcome change,
(01:56):
process change, and identity change. Let's talk about each one
to give you an understanding of what you need to
do if you want to be successful long term process change,
outcome change. Let's start with outcome change, the first layer
of change. An example of outcome change is I am sober,
(02:19):
I'm no longer doing the thing now. An outcome change,
I'm probably white knuckling it, holding on for dear life
because all I'm doing and outcome change is not doing
the thing. And for anybody who has been following this podcast,
you know the golden rule of behavior modification. What is it?
(02:39):
Say it with me? To break a habit, you have
to make the right habits that meets the right needs.
Outcome change is not enough. In fact, where I sit
almost thirteen years helping people professionally, sobriety is ten percent
of the solution. The next level of change is definitely
(02:59):
a step in the right direction, but not the ultimate
level of change. The next level of change is called
process change. Process change means you are doing something different, right,
break a habit, make a habit, You've got your blocking
software on, you're exercising, you're using distress tolerant skills to
(03:19):
better emotionally regulate. And that's great. That's awesome, but it
is not enough. You have to do more. And that's
that deepest level of change, which not only am I
going to tell you about, but I'm gonna give you
some very specific tips on how to get there. The
deepest level of change is called identity change. An example
(03:41):
of identity change is I don't lie to my wife.
I am a man of integrity. No, no, no, I
don't do that anymore. I don't do that anymore, just
like I don't put high fructose corn syrup in my body.
I take care of my body. I minimize process food
and lower sugar intake. And we got a podcast coming
(04:02):
up on that, man, because there's a whole bunch of
great research on the impact of processed foods and excess
sugar on mood. But we're going to talk about that
at another day. Identity change is who you are. I
take care of myself. I prioritize my sexual health, my
mental health, my physical health. Right anytime after the im
(04:28):
it better be something positive. I mean, if you're saying, hey,
I'm a sex addict, that's a celebration, right. If you
go to meetings, that's fine, but be mindful of the
negative anchoring impact of that identity. Right. For some people,
identifying as a sex addict long term actually precludes them
(04:49):
from addressing the deeper underlying issues. And for some people,
anchoring to the identity of I am a sex addict
is empowering that works for them. For others, anchoring to
that negative identity actually keeps you stuck focusing on the
wrong things. Because to break a habit, you have to
(05:12):
make the right habit that meets the right needs. Identity
change is who you are. I am a good person,
I am a man of integrity. I have self worth.
I learn from my mistakes. When I fall down, I
get back up. I'm honest. Those are examples of identity change,
(05:35):
and identity change is wicked hard to create, as we
like to say in Rhode Island, where I grew up.
And I want to give you two specific tips that
will help you create identity change. And these are the
two critically important pieces of advice. One is easier to
implement than the other. We'll start the one that's easier
to implement. And that piece of advice that I love
(05:58):
to give. Now, I want to share with you the
I want to share with you some of my favorite
advice to give clients to help you create that identity change. Now,
be mindful. I've worked with professional athletes, senior leaders at
(06:19):
Fortune one thousand companies. I can't give you the how
short that list is, because then I could potentially identify
who those people are. Many of my one on one
clients certainly are high performers, professional athletes, professional musicians, senior
leaders in corporation, senior leaders in government at highest levels,
(06:40):
right at the some of the highest levels. Here's the
advice I love to give them, and this advice has
the greatest chance of creating identity change. And that advice
is lower the bar, lower the bar. Let me tell
you what I mean by that. Here's what typically happens.
Somebody hit rock bottom and I'm gonna run two miles
(07:03):
a day. I'm gonna never look it porn again. I'm
never gonna be rude to my wife. They make all
these goals that, quite frankly, are ridiculously unattainable. And what
happens is and this is what happens with every New
Year's resolution. So you know what I'm talking about, right.
You set big goals for yourself, which are great. I
love big goals. The problem is that most of the
(07:26):
big goals that people set are not attainable. They do
not have the systems in place to accomplish those goals.
So the best way to build those systems that are
to accomplish those goals is to lower the bar. So,
for example, here are a couple of examples of lowering
the bar. I have clients that struggle with mindfulness, sitting, meditating, focusing.
(07:51):
It is ridiculously difficult one minute a day, ten breats
at a time. You might think that's people are paying
for that advice. Yes, because my goal with clients is sustainability.
Anybody can do a dog in a pony show, put
you in a program, work on some of that deeper
emotional stuff what's important. But if you haven't learned anything
(08:14):
about sustainability or systems, or self esteem or the three
layers of change or habits or accountability or community or
connection parts, work like you're stuck. Right, you are not
going to be successful because you do not have the
systems in place to accomplish those amazing goals that you
(08:39):
know you're capable of, and I know they're capable of.
I believe in you. I'm telling you to start slow,
lower the bar. You can't beat your addiction if you're
not taking care of your body, if you are not
eating well, sleeping well, hydrating, exercising, and practicing mindfulness. There
(09:00):
there's no possible way that you ever are going to
not turn to your coping strategy. That's what this is, right.
All behavior is need seeking behavior. Your acting out is
meeting important needs. And if you don't meet those needs proactively,
they're gonna get met reactively. Remember that needs get met proactively, intentionally, mindfully,
(09:24):
or they get met reactively mindlessly, automatically, instantaneously. But when
you set for yourself, and here's what they call these
kinds of goals, so you can look it up, they're
called Kaizen goals k A I Z e n Kaizen goals,
(09:46):
small attainable. That's what Kaisen goals are for. Kaisen goals
has changed, manufacturing has changed, high performance, and I want
to prove it to you. Here's the second mandatory reading
that I recommend to clients, and that is One Small
Step Can Change Your Life, by doctor Robert Moore. I'm
(10:08):
gonna say that title again. It is a short and
quick and easy read. The audible version is even better
because it's got a chapter on relationship issues, which if
you're listening to this you probably need help with. Get
the book. Get the book, because you can't read that
book and say this is stupid. Right, because that's the
(10:30):
first reaction I had to Kaisen goals. Are you shitting me?
I'm a high achiever, baby, Let's go go bigger, go home.
And so many of us have been taught that ideology,
that belief system, and we think that anything less than
perfect is good enough. Right, you're watching this because of
that deep innate part of you inside you that says
(10:52):
you're not good enough. How do you become good enough
by regularly and routinely, over and over and over accomplishing
the goals that you set for yourself. If anybody knows
the acronym for smart goals. Smart goals are goals that
are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant to your overall strategic objective,
(11:17):
and time bound. There's a deadline. Kaisen goals flips the
script on that attainability. In fact, in the book one
Small Step Can Change Your Life, doctor Robert Moore defines
Kaisen goals. Listen to the phrase he uses. I love
this phrase. Kaisan goals are ridiculously attainable. Goals ridiculously attainable.
(11:44):
And I know for some of you this advice might
sound a little strange, But when you get into the
high performance space and you work, let's say with I've
worked with clients who coach Olympic athletes, who coach professional athletes,
Kaisen goals critical. These guys are at the top of
their game. These small improvements a fraction of a second
(12:07):
in in speed, a fraction of a second in in cutting,
or a little bit more distance on the past like
these little goals are critical for high performers, and they
are critical for you. So that is one of the
best pieces of advice I love to give clients. They
come to me struggling, they're hitting their head up against
(12:29):
the wall. They can't accomplish the goals that they want
to accomplish for themselves because we do not rise to
the level of our goals, we fall to the level
of our systems. And by the way, this is chapter
one and two of Atomic Habits, three layers of change,
identity change, and this notion that we do not rise
to the level of our goals, we fall to the
(12:51):
level of our systems. Make sure you like and subscribe
because in a podcast I have coming up, we're going
to be addressing what specific systems are necessary to create,
not just create, create and sustain healthy sexuality in a
great life. This is going to be a short podcast.
(13:13):
Let me give you the third piece of advice, be
kind to yourself. Here is a critically important principle that
a message that I have for all you shamers out there,
all of you taking this shame based approach. You beat
yourself up when you fail, you kick yourself when you down.
(13:33):
Let me ask you that question. When you're beating yourself up,
calling yourself a piece of shit, a loser for failing, right,
what if you apply that same mentality in business. Many
of the people listening to this are successful, they have
some leadership experience. What if you led your team from
that perspective? How about this? How would you feel if
(13:56):
your children were talking to themselves in their head like that?
You'd want to do something about it? You know it's
not healthy. Here is a critically important lesson. You will
always lose in a fight against yourself. Think about a
physical fight, right. Punching yourself in the face doesn't do
(14:17):
anything for you, makes you worse, bloodies you up, makes
you feel like a piece of crap. Right, So what
do you do about that? What you do is you
be kind to yourself. Okay, you don't beat yourself up.
When you're failing, you fall down and you get back up. Now,
how to do that is multiple podcasts in and of themselves,
(14:40):
and we're going to talk about that in twenty twenty five.
It requires you to realize, first of all, your not
your thoughts, right, You're not. You can choose what thoughts
to attach to. That's a very very important lesson. Right,
But what happens, right we have a positive thought, we
reject it. We have a negative thought, we attached to it.
(15:02):
Why because four our our five primary emotions are negative.
That attachment was critical From a survival perspective, way back
when our ancestors round the planes running away from lines
in Buffalo, we have to focus on the negative. It
kept us alive. And it doesn't mean you don't manage risk.
It doesn't mean that. It certainly means that you are
(15:25):
mindful of your negative thoughts. Our thoughts frame our reality.
You have to stop fighting with yourself in the further
along you get in recovery, the more you learn about
parts work, you learn from a neuroscience perspective. Number one,
(15:45):
there is no such thing as bad habits. And according
to doctor Richard Schwartz, the founder of the revolutionary internal
family Systems model, which in its various forms will be
a gold standard of psycho Theayuropean treatment and high performance
in the next ten years. I guarantee it because it
is a neurologically sound model. The Pixar Moving Inside Out
(16:08):
was based on the reality that inside us we have
these different parts anger, liar, not good enough, shame, shut down, defensive,
fuck it guy. Right. So we have these parts inside us.
You are not going to beat them into some submission.
(16:30):
You are not going to shame them into compliance. Think
about this from a business perspective. Now, I come from
a big business background. I've worked for a number of
billion dollar companies at executive levels, and I've worked in compliance. Right, well,
you can't shame people into compliance. When you do that,
what happens they stop sharing with you their problems. They
(16:52):
know that they're going to get in trouble. Instead of
it being a learning opportunity, they know that they're going
to get punished. And what happens when they know they're
going to get punished, they hide their mistakes, and that
creates a regulatory risk. The same rules apply personally. You
have to learn how to be kind to yourself. You
(17:12):
have to learn to treat yourself the way you want
your children to treat themselves, the way you want your grandchildren.
I know we've got a couple of grandfathers watching the
way you want your grandchildren to treat themselves. Shame does
not drive compliance, Shame makes it worse. So we're going
(17:33):
to talk about the different ways that you can change
your relationship with your thoughts and go back and check
out some of my podcasts on parts work on the
habit cycle, on thought management, and we're going to cover
those issues again in twenty twenty five. But let me
recap really quick what we learned today. We learned that,
according to atomic habits, there are three levels of change,
(17:56):
sobriety outcome change is the first level of change. The
second level of change is process change. These are the
things you do to accomplish the outcome. But that's not enough.
You need identity change. I don't do that anymore. I
am my wife's protector. You don't feel like a little boy.
(18:19):
You feel like a man trying to make her feel
safe because she's so disregulated and so hurt by your behavior. Okay,
how do we accomplish identity change? One way is to
create an environment where you are accomplishing your goals. Unfortunately,
most people set goals that are too ambitious. They're not attainable.
(18:41):
Kaisen goals turns the attainability component on its head and
it asks you to regularly accomplish ridiculously attainable goals, and
over time that not only allows you to identify the
systemic issues in the way of you accomplishing their goals. Right,
(19:03):
you lack accountability, you lack community. Your life's a mess.
The goals just aren't attainable when you set them small
you're able to see those roadblocks right, and if you
can't hit that goal, you'll lower it again. You lower
it again, You'll lower it again, and eventually the block
is staring you right in the face. That's why the
parts work is so important, that internal resistance that so
(19:26):
many of us men have to structure and discipline, even
though we may know from a business perspective, without it
there's abject chaos and failure. We need it, We absolutely
need it. And the final piece of advice that I
gave you is be kind to yourself. You will always
lose in a fight against yourself. Now it's twenty twenty five.
(19:49):
Some of you are looking for help. Please visit mindfulhabit
heelp dot com. We've changed the pricing structure of our
Core training program. It is seven day free trial ninety
nine dollars per month after that. Okay, so if you
need help, check out the Core Training program. So life
(20:13):
is too short to suck. I live by that mantra.
It just is right. Let's learn, let's grow, Let's solve
these problems together. Thank for watching. Embrace your power of choice,
feed the right wolf inside you, and lead your pack
internally and externally. That's what self leadership is and that's
(20:34):
going to be another podcast topic for us later on
this year. If you need help, visit mindfulhabit heelp dot com.
Thank you for listening, make it great, Talk to you later,
have a great day. Bye.
Happy New Year's brothers and sisters. Today, in my first
podcast of twenty twenty five, I'm going to talk about
the three levels of change that you must know if
you want to be successful long term. And I also
want to give you two of the best pieces of
advice that I give clients. My name is Craig Perra.
(00:23):
I'm the founder of the Mindful Habit System, and in
seven days from now, the Mindful Habit System is thirty
and I am so so proud of what Michelle and
I created. It is a great honor and a great
privilege to be supporting you on this journey and I
hope you get value. Let's jump right in. So there
(00:45):
are three levels of change, and I want to direct
your attention to the book Atomic Habits. I'm going to
include a link down below. If you do not have
Atomic Habits, you must read Atomic Habits. Atomic Habits is mandatory.
Atomic Habits is mandatory reading for my clients, and it
(01:07):
should be mandatory reading for you. The author is James Clear.
We are habit machines. Everything that we do is a
train condition response. You getting defensive, shutting down, turning to porn.
All train conditioned responses, lying train, conditioned response, all of it.
(01:32):
And I knew. I've been in recovery twenty years at
my low point, and I knew so little about habits.
I started with the book Power of Habit by Charles Douhig,
which is awesome. You should check that out too. But
let's get into Atomic habits. According to Atomic Habits and
author James Clear, there are three levels of change, outcome change,
(01:56):
process change, and identity change. Let's talk about each one
to give you an understanding of what you need to
do if you want to be successful long term process change,
outcome change. Let's start with outcome change, the first layer
of change. An example of outcome change is I am sober,
(02:19):
I'm no longer doing the thing now. An outcome change,
I'm probably white knuckling it, holding on for dear life
because all I'm doing and outcome change is not doing
the thing. And for anybody who has been following this podcast,
you know the golden rule of behavior modification. What is it?
(02:39):
Say it with me? To break a habit, you have
to make the right habits that meets the right needs.
Outcome change is not enough. In fact, where I sit
almost thirteen years helping people professionally, sobriety is ten percent
of the solution. The next level of change is definitely
(02:59):
a step in the right direction, but not the ultimate
level of change. The next level of change is called
process change. Process change means you are doing something different, right,
break a habit, make a habit, You've got your blocking
software on, you're exercising, you're using distress tolerant skills to
(03:19):
better emotionally regulate. And that's great. That's awesome, but it
is not enough. You have to do more. And that's
that deepest level of change, which not only am I
going to tell you about, but I'm gonna give you
some very specific tips on how to get there. The
deepest level of change is called identity change. An example
(03:41):
of identity change is I don't lie to my wife.
I am a man of integrity. No, no, no, I
don't do that anymore. I don't do that anymore, just
like I don't put high fructose corn syrup in my body.
I take care of my body. I minimize process food
and lower sugar intake. And we got a podcast coming
(04:02):
up on that, man, because there's a whole bunch of
great research on the impact of processed foods and excess
sugar on mood. But we're going to talk about that
at another day. Identity change is who you are. I
take care of myself. I prioritize my sexual health, my
mental health, my physical health. Right anytime after the im
(04:28):
it better be something positive. I mean, if you're saying, hey,
I'm a sex addict, that's a celebration, right. If you
go to meetings, that's fine, but be mindful of the
negative anchoring impact of that identity. Right. For some people,
identifying as a sex addict long term actually precludes them
(04:49):
from addressing the deeper underlying issues. And for some people,
anchoring to the identity of I am a sex addict
is empowering that works for them. For others, anchoring to
that negative identity actually keeps you stuck focusing on the
wrong things. Because to break a habit, you have to
(05:12):
make the right habit that meets the right needs. Identity
change is who you are. I am a good person,
I am a man of integrity. I have self worth.
I learn from my mistakes. When I fall down, I
get back up. I'm honest. Those are examples of identity change,
(05:35):
and identity change is wicked hard to create, as we
like to say in Rhode Island, where I grew up.
And I want to give you two specific tips that
will help you create identity change. And these are the
two critically important pieces of advice. One is easier to
implement than the other. We'll start the one that's easier
to implement. And that piece of advice that I love
(05:58):
to give. Now, I want to share with you the
I want to share with you some of my favorite
advice to give clients to help you create that identity change. Now,
be mindful. I've worked with professional athletes, senior leaders at
(06:19):
Fortune one thousand companies. I can't give you the how
short that list is, because then I could potentially identify
who those people are. Many of my one on one
clients certainly are high performers, professional athletes, professional musicians, senior
leaders in corporation, senior leaders in government at highest levels,
(06:40):
right at the some of the highest levels. Here's the
advice I love to give them, and this advice has
the greatest chance of creating identity change. And that advice
is lower the bar, lower the bar. Let me tell
you what I mean by that. Here's what typically happens.
Somebody hit rock bottom and I'm gonna run two miles
(07:03):
a day. I'm gonna never look it porn again. I'm
never gonna be rude to my wife. They make all
these goals that, quite frankly, are ridiculously unattainable. And what
happens is and this is what happens with every New
Year's resolution. So you know what I'm talking about, right.
You set big goals for yourself, which are great. I
love big goals. The problem is that most of the
(07:26):
big goals that people set are not attainable. They do
not have the systems in place to accomplish those goals.
So the best way to build those systems that are
to accomplish those goals is to lower the bar. So,
for example, here are a couple of examples of lowering
the bar. I have clients that struggle with mindfulness, sitting, meditating, focusing.
(07:51):
It is ridiculously difficult one minute a day, ten breats
at a time. You might think that's people are paying
for that advice. Yes, because my goal with clients is sustainability.
Anybody can do a dog in a pony show, put
you in a program, work on some of that deeper
emotional stuff what's important. But if you haven't learned anything
(08:14):
about sustainability or systems, or self esteem or the three
layers of change or habits or accountability or community or
connection parts, work like you're stuck. Right, you are not
going to be successful because you do not have the
systems in place to accomplish those amazing goals that you
(08:39):
know you're capable of, and I know they're capable of.
I believe in you. I'm telling you to start slow,
lower the bar. You can't beat your addiction if you're
not taking care of your body, if you are not
eating well, sleeping well, hydrating, exercising, and practicing mindfulness. There
(09:00):
there's no possible way that you ever are going to
not turn to your coping strategy. That's what this is, right.
All behavior is need seeking behavior. Your acting out is
meeting important needs. And if you don't meet those needs proactively,
they're gonna get met reactively. Remember that needs get met proactively, intentionally, mindfully,
(09:24):
or they get met reactively mindlessly, automatically, instantaneously. But when
you set for yourself, and here's what they call these
kinds of goals, so you can look it up, they're
called Kaizen goals k A I Z e n Kaizen goals,
(09:46):
small attainable. That's what Kaisen goals are for. Kaisen goals
has changed, manufacturing has changed, high performance, and I want
to prove it to you. Here's the second mandatory reading
that I recommend to clients, and that is One Small
Step Can Change Your Life, by doctor Robert Moore. I'm
(10:08):
gonna say that title again. It is a short and
quick and easy read. The audible version is even better
because it's got a chapter on relationship issues, which if
you're listening to this you probably need help with. Get
the book. Get the book, because you can't read that
book and say this is stupid. Right, because that's the
(10:30):
first reaction I had to Kaisen goals. Are you shitting me?
I'm a high achiever, baby, Let's go go bigger, go home.
And so many of us have been taught that ideology,
that belief system, and we think that anything less than
perfect is good enough. Right, you're watching this because of
that deep innate part of you inside you that says
(10:52):
you're not good enough. How do you become good enough
by regularly and routinely, over and over and over accomplishing
the goals that you set for yourself. If anybody knows
the acronym for smart goals. Smart goals are goals that
are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant to your overall strategic objective,
(11:17):
and time bound. There's a deadline. Kaisen goals flips the
script on that attainability. In fact, in the book one
Small Step Can Change Your Life, doctor Robert Moore defines
Kaisen goals. Listen to the phrase he uses. I love
this phrase. Kaisan goals are ridiculously attainable. Goals ridiculously attainable.
(11:44):
And I know for some of you this advice might
sound a little strange, But when you get into the
high performance space and you work, let's say with I've
worked with clients who coach Olympic athletes, who coach professional athletes,
Kaisen goals critical. These guys are at the top of
their game. These small improvements a fraction of a second
(12:07):
in in speed, a fraction of a second in in cutting,
or a little bit more distance on the past like
these little goals are critical for high performers, and they
are critical for you. So that is one of the
best pieces of advice I love to give clients. They
come to me struggling, they're hitting their head up against
(12:29):
the wall. They can't accomplish the goals that they want
to accomplish for themselves because we do not rise to
the level of our goals, we fall to the level
of our systems. And by the way, this is chapter
one and two of Atomic Habits, three layers of change,
identity change, and this notion that we do not rise
to the level of our goals, we fall to the
(12:51):
level of our systems. Make sure you like and subscribe
because in a podcast I have coming up, we're going
to be addressing what specific systems are necessary to create,
not just create, create and sustain healthy sexuality in a
great life. This is going to be a short podcast.
(13:13):
Let me give you the third piece of advice, be
kind to yourself. Here is a critically important principle that
a message that I have for all you shamers out there,
all of you taking this shame based approach. You beat
yourself up when you fail, you kick yourself when you down.
(13:33):
Let me ask you that question. When you're beating yourself up,
calling yourself a piece of shit, a loser for failing, right,
what if you apply that same mentality in business. Many
of the people listening to this are successful, they have
some leadership experience. What if you led your team from
that perspective? How about this? How would you feel if
(13:56):
your children were talking to themselves in their head like that?
You'd want to do something about it? You know it's
not healthy. Here is a critically important lesson. You will
always lose in a fight against yourself. Think about a
physical fight, right. Punching yourself in the face doesn't do
(14:17):
anything for you, makes you worse, bloodies you up, makes
you feel like a piece of crap. Right, So what
do you do about that? What you do is you
be kind to yourself. Okay, you don't beat yourself up.
When you're failing, you fall down and you get back up. Now,
how to do that is multiple podcasts in and of themselves,
(14:40):
and we're going to talk about that in twenty twenty five.
It requires you to realize, first of all, your not
your thoughts, right, You're not. You can choose what thoughts
to attach to. That's a very very important lesson. Right,
But what happens, right we have a positive thought, we
reject it. We have a negative thought, we attached to it.
(15:02):
Why because four our our five primary emotions are negative.
That attachment was critical From a survival perspective, way back
when our ancestors round the planes running away from lines
in Buffalo, we have to focus on the negative. It
kept us alive. And it doesn't mean you don't manage risk.
It doesn't mean that. It certainly means that you are
(15:25):
mindful of your negative thoughts. Our thoughts frame our reality.
You have to stop fighting with yourself in the further
along you get in recovery, the more you learn about
parts work, you learn from a neuroscience perspective. Number one,
(15:45):
there is no such thing as bad habits. And according
to doctor Richard Schwartz, the founder of the revolutionary internal
family Systems model, which in its various forms will be
a gold standard of psycho Theayuropean treatment and high performance
in the next ten years. I guarantee it because it
is a neurologically sound model. The Pixar Moving Inside Out
(16:08):
was based on the reality that inside us we have
these different parts anger, liar, not good enough, shame, shut down, defensive,
fuck it guy. Right. So we have these parts inside us.
You are not going to beat them into some submission.
(16:30):
You are not going to shame them into compliance. Think
about this from a business perspective. Now, I come from
a big business background. I've worked for a number of
billion dollar companies at executive levels, and I've worked in compliance. Right, well,
you can't shame people into compliance. When you do that,
what happens they stop sharing with you their problems. They
(16:52):
know that they're going to get in trouble. Instead of
it being a learning opportunity, they know that they're going
to get punished. And what happens when they know they're
going to get punished, they hide their mistakes, and that
creates a regulatory risk. The same rules apply personally. You
have to learn how to be kind to yourself. You
(17:12):
have to learn to treat yourself the way you want
your children to treat themselves, the way you want your grandchildren.
I know we've got a couple of grandfathers watching the
way you want your grandchildren to treat themselves. Shame does
not drive compliance, Shame makes it worse. So we're going
(17:33):
to talk about the different ways that you can change
your relationship with your thoughts and go back and check
out some of my podcasts on parts work on the
habit cycle, on thought management, and we're going to cover
those issues again in twenty twenty five. But let me
recap really quick what we learned today. We learned that,
according to atomic habits, there are three levels of change,
(17:56):
sobriety outcome change is the first level of change. The
second level of change is process change. These are the
things you do to accomplish the outcome. But that's not enough.
You need identity change. I don't do that anymore. I
am my wife's protector. You don't feel like a little boy.
(18:19):
You feel like a man trying to make her feel
safe because she's so disregulated and so hurt by your behavior. Okay,
how do we accomplish identity change? One way is to
create an environment where you are accomplishing your goals. Unfortunately,
most people set goals that are too ambitious. They're not attainable.
(18:41):
Kaisen goals turns the attainability component on its head and
it asks you to regularly accomplish ridiculously attainable goals, and
over time that not only allows you to identify the
systemic issues in the way of you accomplishing their goals. Right,
(19:03):
you lack accountability, you lack community. Your life's a mess.
The goals just aren't attainable when you set them small
you're able to see those roadblocks right, and if you
can't hit that goal, you'll lower it again. You lower
it again, You'll lower it again, and eventually the block
is staring you right in the face. That's why the
parts work is so important, that internal resistance that so
(19:26):
many of us men have to structure and discipline, even
though we may know from a business perspective, without it
there's abject chaos and failure. We need it, We absolutely
need it. And the final piece of advice that I
gave you is be kind to yourself. You will always
lose in a fight against yourself. Now it's twenty twenty five.
(19:49):
Some of you are looking for help. Please visit mindfulhabit
heelp dot com. We've changed the pricing structure of our
Core training program. It is seven day free trial ninety
nine dollars per month after that. Okay, so if you
need help, check out the Core Training program. So life
(20:13):
is too short to suck. I live by that mantra.
It just is right. Let's learn, let's grow, Let's solve
these problems together. Thank for watching. Embrace your power of choice,
feed the right wolf inside you, and lead your pack
internally and externally. That's what self leadership is and that's
(20:34):
going to be another podcast topic for us later on
this year. If you need help, visit mindfulhabit heelp dot com.
Thank you for listening, make it great, Talk to you later,
have a great day. Bye.
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