June 26, 2025 • 38 mins
What happens when you reach the top of Success Mountain and still feel empty?
In this raw and powerful in-person conversation, I sit down with purpose-mapping expert Craig Filek—yes, literally at my house—to talk about what comes after success, and why so many high-achieving men crash into addiction, shame, and confusion when the dopamine runs out.
We unpack:
-Why men lose themselves after achieving everything they thought they wanted -The link between sexual energy, shame, and a lack of purpose
-The concept of gold in the shadow—and how your shame holds your superpower
-Craig’s simple and powerful “Map of Psychological Wholeness”
-How to rewire your brain through purpose, daily habits, and aligned action
This episode is for anyone—especially high performers—struggling with bad habits, porn, addiction, or that nagging question: Now what?
🔗 Get Craig Filek’s free Purpose Map tool here → To reach Craig directly and get access to the Purpose Mapping® method we discussed in today’s episode DM “habits” to @PurposeMapping on Instagram
📲 Text Craig Filek directly at 847-238-8332
📸 DM “habits” to @PurposeMapping on Instagram to unlock the free tool + tracker
In this raw and powerful in-person conversation, I sit down with purpose-mapping expert Craig Filek—yes, literally at my house—to talk about what comes after success, and why so many high-achieving men crash into addiction, shame, and confusion when the dopamine runs out.
We unpack:
-Why men lose themselves after achieving everything they thought they wanted -The link between sexual energy, shame, and a lack of purpose
-The concept of gold in the shadow—and how your shame holds your superpower
-Craig’s simple and powerful “Map of Psychological Wholeness”
-How to rewire your brain through purpose, daily habits, and aligned action
This episode is for anyone—especially high performers—struggling with bad habits, porn, addiction, or that nagging question: Now what?
🔗 Get Craig Filek’s free Purpose Map tool here → To reach Craig directly and get access to the Purpose Mapping® method we discussed in today’s episode DM “habits” to @PurposeMapping on Instagram
📲 Text Craig Filek directly at 847-238-8332
📸 DM “habits” to @PurposeMapping on Instagram to unlock the free tool + tracker
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm your host, Craig Pera, and you're listening to sex
Afflictions and porn Addictions. I am here with Craig Philick
and I have never done this before. Man, I have
someone like in my house. Craig is someone I met
at the Big Tent Summit and really connected with his mission,
and he happened to be coming this way and he's here,
So thanks for coming by.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Great to be here, man.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
I don't want to do one of those borrow boring intros, right,
I don't do you justice, But can you tell everybody
a little bit about your background, Craig and lead up
to what brought you to this beautiful place you're at
right now?
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Yeah, for sure. So before I do, though, I just
want to say, dude, it's an honor to be here.
I really enjoyed connecting with you in Loveland, and I
had a chance to listen to a couple episodes on
the way down. I really did what you're doing. I
think it's really authentic. I think it's really just a
force for good in the world. So before we even
dive in, I just want to encourage everybody, if you're listening,
(00:58):
go and give Craig a five our review. It makes
a huge difference. Podcast hosts like Craig never asked for this,
but I left one. Took me like a minute. I
just left it on Apple Podcasts. Makes a huge difference.
So I just want to start with that because I
know it can really, you know, over time it can.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Yeah, And I never ask, right because because this is
what make our topics so exciting. My listeners are struggling
with shame. They're hiding, and I saw in your purpose
map the shadow, and I've been talking about that more
on this podcast since I got back from the Mankind Project.
Oh no, no, I got back from the Big Tent Summit.
(01:37):
I'm doing the Mankind Project October second.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Cool.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Yeah, yeah, And so there's a lot of people listening
with in their shadow, and let's let's more about you
give me that, give me that background.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
So I mean, okay, I'm going to start where I'm
at now and then and I'll sort of build the
foundation under it. So have you ever noticed the way
high achieving men get to the top of success mountain?
They climb, you know, check all the checkboxes. They get
the house to wife, the kids, the cars of toys,
(02:15):
the vacations, they get everything the society tells us that
we need in order to be fulfilled. And they get
to the top of that mountain and they look around
and they realize they're on a roadmap. They're not fulfilled.
There's no clear next steps, and they get stranded.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Can I even add to that the vastness of the
wealth the space is a constant reminder of their emptiness.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
That's right. Well. I like to describe it as dopamine
is a monkey reaching for a banana, right. Dopamine is
a motivation molecule. It gives that monkey the impulse to
reach just a little farther. But a monkey surrounded by
bananas has nothing to reach for. And so these men
and start to feel, am I depressed? What's wrong with me?
(03:03):
You know? It's something like why isn't this enough? And
so that's where purpose mapping comes in. I've been doing
this for fifteen years. I have guided some of the
most successful men in America to clarify, now, what what
do I do next? They know that there's more that
life has to offer them, they just don't know how
to find it because it's a different gear, it's a
(03:24):
different game, and they don't know what the rules are
they don't know how to win. They're used to winning,
and so they get paralyzed because they don't want to
take a shot. I mean, just evolutionarily as men. If
we're out on the savannah and you and me and
five other guys are stalking caribou or elk or something,
if I'm not certain that I can land a kill shot,
(03:45):
I'm doing nothing because if I take a shot and miss,
we all starve. And that's just the way that the
Masklin brain is wired. And so men need a clear target,
they need something to aim for, they need something to
reach for. Climbing success mountain provides that in space, But
when you get to the top, what do you do next?
(04:06):
So that's what I do. And I can go on
about how I got there, But something came up for you.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
I want to hear it.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
No, I'm thinking about the contrast between that lack of
purpose and all of that sexual energy and shadow sure
and that conflict. And what I really like about this, guys,
is that there's a lot of great purpose stuff out there.
There's a lot of great purpose stuff out there. I
(04:34):
have a d D brain. It's easy to overwhelm me
and quite honestly, I expect it to be overwhelmed. And
I knew it'd be good because I liked you. I
knew your vibe. What you did hear is crystal clear,
like it is Step one, step two, step three. But
before we get into this, I want to hear a
little bit about you. How did you get to this place?
(04:56):
You had, the job, you were making, the money.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
I'm bored out of my mind now. So where does
shame come from? Shame comes from when we're little boys
and we're acting authentically and we got the stick and
we're about to hit our brother for the candy and no, no,
good boys don't do those things. Good boys don't say
(05:20):
those things. Oh no, mama, I'm not that bad boy
with a stick, right, I'm the good boy that you
want to love and feed and put in a nice
warm bed tonight and not leave out for saber tooth
tiger food. That's where shame comes from. Is we dissociate
from a part of ourselves that we are told is wrong.
It's not guilt. Guilt is I've done something bad. Shame
(05:41):
is I'm bad, And it's very different, and so we
end up every single one of us has a shadow
every single human on the planet has a shadow. But
when we get to the top of success mountain and
we don't have to do anything because the bill are paid,
everything's handled, We've got everything, the maseraties in the garage,
(06:05):
we've got the luxury vacation is you know, paid for,
now what, and that shadow starts to come up again, right,
because the work is a way, it's like workhol is.
It's a way to push that down and then fill
that hole with achievement and dopamine. But when we hit
that top of that mountain, all of those unprocessed urges,
(06:28):
all of the things we didn't choose to be growing up,
they all come back. And that's why in the middle
of crisis, a lot of men will go back to
adolescent behavior because they cut that off in order to
act like an adult.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
And then right that those are the men who find
me when they get caught doing that. That's right.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
So they'll go back and they'll buy the car that
they always wanted. They'll go back and date the woman
that they push.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Right, we'll go to the strip clubs, all the sugar
base be sure sites now, all of that.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Right, drugs I mean, or.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Golfing, play doesn't have to be as destructive.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
It doesn't have to be, but it's not generative, and
I think that actually creates guilt because we know we're
not living up to our full potential.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
And not generative, meaning it's not generating output in alignment
with our purpose.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
It's not contributing net positive in the world. You know,
even a charity golf outing right, it may contribute something,
and I think there's a justification there, but really it's
just a band aid that's somebody else's charity. Each man
has a unique wiring, just like different dog breeds have
(07:46):
a unique wiring. I used to have a border colleague
as smart as a whip right she I watched her.
A friend of mine had a wolf shepherd half wolf,
half jar and shepherd a poppy, probably about you're maybe
thirteen fourteen months old, and my dog was nine and
probably about not quite half the size, and they got
(08:08):
in a fight, territorial fight over a bone in this
other dog's house. Dog got really upset. My dog went
right for the air with its ass. I wasn't even
thirty seconds. The wolf shepherd was crying uncle, and I
was like, that's a force of nature. That's what that
dog is designed for bulls, right, all this, but if
(08:30):
I took her hunting, she's not a labrador, She's not
designed for that. So we each have to figure out
what are we designed for and then we have to
bring that into the world. And unless your Tiger Woods
is probably not golf, there's probably something else, something deep,
or something more authentic. And as you know, the ways
(08:53):
out of addiction, any kind of addiction. I've struggled with
all kinds of addictions. The one I'm fighting right now
is sugar. It's like breaking a heroin addiction.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
I mean literally, I know I'm guilty there totally.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
I went full carnivore in January. I was having these
crazy binge sugar coffee crashes. You know, coffee is not carnivore.
It was the hardest thing. So I built a GPT
and it taught me about potassium, magnesium, glycine, right, And
so it's like I'm literally dosing myself with supplements to
(09:30):
help regulate my neurochemistry, so don't get these massive carb binges.
It's hard, So there's always something, But I know that
from all of the research I've done over decades, like
in Portugal, right, that the antidote for addiction is often connection.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Connection important words around here. The opposite of addiction is
in sobriety, it's connection.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
And in order to connect, have to be transparent about
the things a machine does well.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
It's I like to say, connection with the vulnerability, and
with that comes accountability. So there's like a trio wrapped
up in that connection and that openness that helps keep
you on your game.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
How did you discover that, hm?
Speaker 1 (10:18):
So I think I discovered it bringing my business experience
into my recovery. There was this break, like this, this
moment where like break a habit, make a habit was
a revolutionary phrase because I hated sobriety kind of fucking
(10:38):
fucking boring as shit, right, And and you know, because
I wasn't getting to the dysregulation, I wasn't practicing mindfulness.
The healing environment in which I was in was really helpful,
and we talked a lot about the past, but there
was no focus on purpose that was ever, you know,
(11:00):
thousands of hours maybe of in chair therapy sessions, very
very little, if at all, Like I'm trying to be generous, right,
talked about purpose. That's the first thing guys do when
they get in my program, by the way, because that
fire and that spark is everything, and it comes in layers.
And I like what you talked about in one of
(11:21):
the podcasts I listened to, where it's a framework and
because it's a framework, it grows.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Yeah. Absolutely. So what I've found is that in our
shame is our gold, and in union psychology, gold is
like the sliver of divinity. It's that little spark is
just referred to it. It's that spark of God, cosmic consciousness,
(11:48):
whatever you want to call it. And that gets buried,
you know. Joseph Campbell would say, in the cave you
fear to enter lies the treasure that you seek. So
it's in the last place we would ever want to look,
and that's why we can't find it. And we look
everywhere else, all the external places, but even inside we go,
you know, we go roll as in the back of
(12:09):
our head and pray, you know, meditate whatever. But we
don't want to go down into those painful places, which
is the shortcut. It's the hack if I'm willing to
admit something that I don't want to phase. And I've
got a process in my Wolfpack group we called a
(12:30):
get real session, which starts with what did you commit
to back in the accountability thing? What did you choose
to do instead?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (12:39):
I don't know, I just forgot, But what did you?
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Right?
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I gotta get down to.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
No.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Actually, I chose to ignore the impulse to walk away
from the right. The other thing I'm trying to break
is coffee talk about boring. So I chose to ignore that.
And then we do the you know, the five whys?
Speaker 1 (12:58):
What about about that?
Speaker 2 (12:59):
And then but what was under that?
Speaker 1 (13:01):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (13:01):
But what do you not want to face here? Okay?
But what's under that?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Right?
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Okay? What's the real core of this? And then we
summarize it with okay, what's your major insight here? And
then what's your next step?
Speaker 1 (13:11):
And what are you going to do it?
Speaker 2 (13:12):
But I get back into accountability. It's not this huge
I'm a horrible person. It's just I slipped get back
on track. But it's in the willingness to face the
thing that I just wanted to slip into my blind spot.
If I pull that forward, that's where my power is.
That's where my energy gets trapped. And if I can
bring that forward, then I can unleash that power. Towards
(13:34):
moving towards my purpose and realizing my full potential.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Well, and you're using that feedback loop that this comfort
as the ongoing growth mechanism. We're a lot of lines.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
I love that because the tool the tools are just fundamental.
I mean, it's how the brain works.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
Well in behind every levels, let I'll say this hypothesis,
behind every little sliver of a reaction that you have,
that resistance that you have, is a massive growth opportunity
that you're going to feel really good about. I just
finished my Internal Family Systems Level two training and the
(14:12):
growth didn't come into diving deep into the wounds. It
came with meeting each part where it was and in summary,
it's okay instead of no, no, no, no, no, you shouldn't
feel that way because look everything's going great now, or no,
(14:34):
that's that's bad because you know that's your attict part talking. Right.
So a lot of my guys, right, So, and they've
got a model, a treatment model that they're in a
lot of my listeners because they come to me through
the traditional sex addiction model. So my my addiction is
a disease, that's my attict talking. So in the suppression
(14:59):
of that the deepest, most primal, darkest shadow is also
their golden shadow, and so the model that they're in
has some condition to fear that which is in the shadow,
which makes it really, really hard for them, which is
why I'm glad we're having this conversation.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
You know, I had a mentor once who talked about
her practice is rewilding, so it's it's getting back in
touch with the primal, embodied nature. And she talked about
wanting a stallion. She said, stallions are uncastrated male horses,
and they're very scary, and they're usually locked in the
(15:37):
back of the barn. And you know, somebody goes to
open the door, that could get killed. The stallion's gonna
rear up.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
And stab the door. It's dangerous, dangerous.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Right, Here's what she told me. If you take that
stallion out of the locked, trapped place that it's stuck in,
and you put it out in pasture with other horses,
it's almost like zone defense, Like particularly the female horses
will kind of keep it in check and it'll just
(16:07):
relax and it'll go back to being its generative, healthy, protective, dominant,
but not reckless and dangerous, right right, It's the it's
the way that we trap it and and suppress it
and a heap more shame upon it that makes it
(16:27):
dangerous and it causes the explosions.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Well, and that's what we do, right, We suppress and
it takes for many of us, well at least for
me and most of you guys watching meltdown, like the
stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff. It gets
exposed by a partner or you sink to a new
law and you realize like wait a minute, wait a minute,
(16:49):
like I get to do something about it. But that's
the journey, right, Like that's that's that's why you know
I'm here talking to you about the stuff that we're
talking about. Now, let's bring it back to purpose. What
I love the way you started with essence and you
talked about something called your essence high coup. And I
(17:11):
love haiku because it's simple and this was the perfect
way to orient me. And there's two factors. Can you
tell me a little bit about this because I really dug.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
It, sure so so the way that I and we
could put a link to this, but the way that
I so, I was a philosophy and religion major and
I was trying to figure out what is the nature
of the good life?
Speaker 1 (17:35):
How?
Speaker 2 (17:36):
You know, my folks were well to do. I was adopted,
I think you mentioned as well, right, and so I
was raised with every privilege. I was like Sidharto, you know,
I sort of lived in this palace with no It
was in a palace, but it was a sizable state,
and you know, it was overwhelmingly insulated from life. And
(17:57):
I was trying to figure out, well, what is the
good life? And what I ultimately I did mankind project
when I was eighteen, when I ultimately came to is
that there is ways of being and things we do.
So those are two sides of the quadrant, and then
the top and bottom are that feel better or feel worse.
(18:18):
So the ways of being that feel better, that's our essence.
And I give it the color blue, like the sky
with no clouds. It's this spacious feeling of oh, yeah,
this is me, this is the real me.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
This is I'm in my authentic place.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Yeah it feels good. I'd like to be here more.
I don't know how I stumble into this, and I
don't know how I stumble out of it, but it's
on the map.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Now, and I think in the internal family systems model.
They would call this essence the self. You could, yeah,
because I'm looking at even the words that you use
to describe it are the ifs, Yeah, elements of the
self that that core I might.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Well, let's get into that. That might that might be
the gold.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
I might call this the persona persona.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
The persona is the character traits that I like about
my mind?
Speaker 1 (19:07):
Got it? Got it? That makes sense? Yeah, versus your
Jiminy cricket, holy spirit fingerprint.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Gold.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
So you start right, So we start with essence, and
then we look at strength. So these are the things
we do that feel better. They put us into flow.
I give it the color green, like growth. And the
emotional content of essence is joy or bliss. The emotional
content of our strengths is fear, which is different than anxiety.
(19:37):
Fear is holy shit, I could die. Let's go right,
like jumping out of an airplane or skiing off a cliff.
If you're a skier, your whole life, right, you know
you're gonna hit flow. I would die. That is too
far beyond my serve of comfort, right, we only want
to go four percent beyond our comfort zone. But in
the direction of something we're passionate about speaking on stage right,
(19:57):
there's this feeling of holy shit, I could die, and
you step in and do it, and that sparks off adrenaline,
which brings us fully present and fully focused in our body.
And so it's a very visceral, it's very embodied experience. Now,
the strengths are things that we can go do. And
the reason I give it the term haiku, I know
(20:18):
what a haiku is. My mother was an English teacher,
but I use haiku a little bit loosely because it's
three lines. It's just three adjectives or nouns or in
the case of the strengths, it's verbs. But it gives
you poetic license to kind of play with them and
shape them until they roll off your tongue, because that's
what sticks.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
In until you feel it. Because you've got this other
metric here, which says how in alignment zero zero to
one hundred, and so that forces you to like, is
that really it? And then you sit on it and
you're like, I'm almost there yet. I was on seventy
percent and then I got stuck, and I said, that's okay.
You know, it's okay to be stuck there because now
(20:59):
I just get to think about.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
It, right, as long as you get the cardinal directions,
the north, south, east, and west of it, like you said,
the framework will evolve over your lifetime. So then we
go to downfall. So under the strengths in the things
we do that feel worse is our downfall. And this
is red like the red flag on a field, like whoa,
let's back that play up and try that again. Okay,
(21:21):
this is behavior. So this is where guilt lives. It's
anything we relate to, anxiety, anger, depression, dissociation, addictions, anything
that we feel guilty about, even if it's sitting in
LA traffic for ninety minutes going to a job you hate,
knowing I should be on stage, or I should be
a screenwriter, or I should be doing this other thing.
(21:42):
And I know I'm not letting up to my full potential.
I'm paying the rent or whatever, but I feel guilty
because it's not what I'm truly capable of.
Speaker 1 (21:52):
So as an example of my downfall that I'm working
through is my competitiveness. One of the things, Craig, that
I learned at the Big Tent Summit. And I've got
a part that's like you stupid idiot. How could you
have not fixed these problems after thirteen years? How could
you have not known what all these people know? So
(22:13):
I want to acknowledge, thank you for reminding me part,
but how collaborative everybody was? And I get so anxious, like, wait,
does Craig do the sex and porn? But is he
know him? And he know him? And I think I
remember him online and I get in my head and
I remember one time at the Big Tent Summit. I
(22:37):
looked over and someone said, Hi, my name is Joe,
I do this? How can I help your business? And
I went and I kind of got a little choked
up because I saw how that subconscious competitive nature the
(22:58):
lawyer a single role contributor. I mean, I served in
executive roles, but I've been fired from them in spectacular fashion, Craig.
So my leadership skills and collaboration skills. I have titles
that reflect that I have those skills, but I did
not cultivate them over a lengthy executive career developing them,
(23:22):
and so they've all illuminated recently. So that's an example
that competitiveness. Right when you say downfall, my downfall is
I don't even realize how subconsciously competitive I am, and
that keeps me from connecting with people.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
I might even put competitive in your shadow because if
you're not realizing it, and it's a way of being
that permeates a lot. So the doing would be, like
you were saying as we were getting set up here, overthinking,
and I was like, yeah, my downfall is over complexify.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
God and doing. It's doing things you do that And
what I love about this and I'm so grateful for
the corrections and guidance because it's clear, you know, once
I reflect that, we're now ondoing. Okay, good, let's keep going.
Let's keep going. This is really great.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
So this is anything that takes you out of flow
or when you're out of flow, because a lot of
times we slip and next thing, you know, I mean,
I can't tell you how many times. And I finally
kicked it, and I think purpose was really the way
I kicked it. But I lived in Rochester, New York
for twenty years. You died it. But I'm adopted. Had
a daughter unexpectedly with a woman that I met on
(24:30):
Grateful Dead tour right after I graduated college. It happens,
it happens, I mean, it's you know, adoptees typically repeat
the cycle, they try to work it out. And so
I decided I'm going to stay and I toughed it out.
And I was very kind of awkward and weird in that.
You know, if I was in Boulder or San Francisco,
people would have been like, oh, yeah, he's just like
us Rochester. It was not like that.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Oh, very challenging.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
So I ended up nursing a twenty year we'd addiction
and I kicked it every six months. I kicked it
for about six months, yeah, you know, and it was
one of those things and it's like somehow I would
slip out of flow and next thing you know, I'd
be looking down in my hand and with a pipe
full of weed and it's got the char marks on it,
and I'd be like.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
Damn magic. It happened so fast?
Speaker 2 (25:13):
How did this happen? Like I tossed all this shit
in the trash.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I used to say, I would trip and I'd fall
into a vagina.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
These things happen.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
It happens.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
So anything that takes you out of flow, or when
you're out of flow, you catch yourself doing these things,
that's downfall. Downfall Okay, got it, which brings us to you. Now,
what we've done is and this is the magic of
purpose mapping. And I've never seen a Ted talk, I've
never seen a book on this. I've never seen anybody
else that does this. And I learned this from Mankind
project is where I first learned the shadow from Iron
(25:44):
John and the whole I'm not gonna go into the
weekend because you're about to go through it, but this
is where I learned it. We've just painted the shadow
into a corner. So we did three or four quadrants.
We think we touched on the shadow. But what most
people think of their shadow is their downfall. Moving into
the actual shadow now gives us a way to pin
(26:05):
it down and to get the gold out of it.
So you're saying competitiveness, right, any type of you know,
addict is in my shadow, right, and I wish it wasn't.
And I don't want anybody to know that doesn't always
look like you know, the things that I'm most ashamed
about it like it's coffee. You're like, hey, I got
(26:27):
an espresso, and I'm like, don't say that around me, dude,
Like totally fine, But it's it's one of those things.
Where as soon as I got to sit down and
write some copy, as soon as I've got to do
something anything outside of my normal range, right, I want
to push something a little further. I go right for
(26:49):
the coffee, which is great and it works like a charm,
but then it throws my sleep off a little bit.
So the next morning, I'm like, you know, it works well,
yesterday I could use a little bump. I'll do it
again today. Three months later, I'm going to my nature
solo like I just got back from him, like.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
I gotta kick this.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
This is killing me. I'm not. I'm looking at my
oar ring. I'm not getting enough deep sleep. I'm just
in it, you know, like the burnout is starting to
kick in. It's like this is downfall. So the addict
part of me, though, will find sugar, It'll find anything
to latch.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
And justify it.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Oh, totally and hiding.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
As you were talking, I am rationalizing my nicotine, gum
my my costs.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
What good biohackers do. That that's this is normal, this
is what we do. Yeah, totally, I know that's exactly it.
So so there's that. So we've got the shadow painted
into a corner, which is tricky to do. And I've
done hundreds of these, and every time a man puts
(27:56):
his shadow on the map, there's a sense of oh yeah,
it's like, oh, okay, I get to be my whole self.
I'm not being shamed out of this. I'm not being judged.
I'm not being kicked out of the room. I'm not
being kicked out of my family, I'm not being kicked
out of wherever. We're just here with all parts of ourselves.
(28:17):
And I called the four quadrants that we just went
through the map of psychological wholeness, just to get it
on the map, because a profound experience for a.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
Lot of men. The framework is so tight, it's simple.
I'm a like, that's my thing. You know. I love
curriculum and I love you know how you have distilled
this information brilliantly.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Yeah, no, man, okay, I keep interrupting to tell you
how great it is. But let's talk about how.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
This so we're going to get the gold out of
the shadow. This is the twist. And the twist is
it's really simple. You know, we just look at all right, well,
what's the opposite of that? And there's a process for it,
and we go through and we say, Okay, the opposite
of addiction is connection. The opposite of addiction is altruism.
(29:11):
The opposite of addiction is.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
Love, purpose, safety, connection.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
Great, right, And then we go through and we look
at all the shadow words in the haiku, and we
and we and we come up with some twists for
each of those, and we picked the one from each
column that really and I think this is what you
might be describing as the self with the capital ass.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
I imagine it's the it's the deeper, right, yes.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
Yeah, So so my goal is sweetly surrendered success. It's
just I'm not hustling and grinding. I'm not bashing my
head against the wall with coffee and stimulants, right, I'm
just surrendered in the flow of life. And you're like, hey,
you want to swing by Rockland. It's like, sure, it's
(29:55):
right on my way, right.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
There was no effort there was.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
It was so natural and by the way, not something
I do normally, Like I am. When I tell you
I have been in a silo for thirteen years, Craig,
you'd be surprised to say, Wow, You've done really well
in that silo. Things are going to go really well
for you now that you're coming out of it. It's
it's shocking, I really you know my podcast. I recently
(30:20):
joined Rotary Club because I realized I'm like, I'm not
practicing what I preach. But when you don't have people
around you who to say, hey, check out what about
I don't think you're looking at this thing over here.
You know, when's the last time you went out with
your friends? You know, when's the last time you connected
with other guys in the program. So that was a
(30:43):
really important learning for me, and I feel really grateful
for it.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
So connected would probably be in connected.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
Yeah, your goal.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Then what we do is we connect the energy, attention
and power that was track in the Shadow that we
just released, and we just put a name on it.
It's like X marks the spot.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Yes, yes, yes, So now you're at the deepest shame
to opposite.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
Right right, because at the bottom of every black hole
is a supernova. If you go deep enough into it,
you're going to explode into Wow, this is holy smokes,
this is as well. And then we take that energy
attention to power and we go from the lower left
quater where the shadow is, to the upper right quater
where the strengths are. We connect that gold to the strengths.
(31:32):
And so because I can do my strengths, it's like
gym equipment, right, upper body, core, legs.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Right.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
My strengths are creating, illuminating, and gamifying, which you see right, Yes,
I do all that, and that's what I like to do.
But when I am doing that with my gold shining
through those channels, right, it's like Schwarzenegger said, the muscle
is built in the last four reps. When I think
(31:56):
I'm done right, when my humanness is toast, but the
spirit comes through and pushes those last four reps. That's
where the real growth happens. That's where the magic is.
And so that's ultimately now we've got that on a map,
and then we build a strategic framework, vision mission milestone
(32:18):
like a ninety day right towards a three to five
year mission, and then your next action step. And every
single day, if you're taking one tiny I mean the
tiniest possible step, the tiniest towards your milestone, you're moving
it forward. You're getting that dopamine, and next thing you know,
you've achieved your milestone, and then you get another milestone. Right,
(32:38):
what is the one thing that if you got nothing
else done in the next ninety days, this one thing
we move the needle most towards your mission. You're three
to five year, big hairry, audacious goal. And I think
that there's a critical distinction to be made here. A
lot of people, pretty much everybody, conflate purpose in mission. Yeah,
(33:00):
you're talking about is the manally different? I was a
philosophy major. So what does a good philosopher do? They
always begin by defining their terms. What are we even
talking about? Purpose is existential? Who am I? Why am
I here? How am I wired like a dog breed?
Speaker 1 (33:15):
Right?
Speaker 2 (33:15):
What is my nature? Mission is strategic? What am I
going to do about that?
Speaker 1 (33:21):
Right?
Speaker 2 (33:21):
And if you climb a mountain and you get to
the top and you say I have achieved my purpose, well,
suddenly you don't have a reason to exist. And the
existential tail spins that I see men go into just
because they've got the lexicon wrong.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
That's when they call me because it goes down to
a dark place.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Right, which is natural, because that's where the gold is.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Such vacancy. When they lose that, they lose that identity
or you know, fastest growing demographic, Craiger. Guys who retire,
they lose that identity as executive and boss and chief
and the leadership, and then they're like, use the wrong
coupon at the soup a market.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
That's right, That's right. Those are the guys I work with. Yeah,
can I can I give them my number?
Speaker 1 (34:05):
Yeah? Please? Please give them give it. What I want
to say before you do that is not only is
the purpose beautifully mapped out and I'm gonna give everyone
a link to access this. The mission is and then
the habits to a complimission to accomplish the mission is
beautifully organized, Craig. I really have not seen anything organized
(34:27):
like this in a long time. And you guys know
I'm tough to impress. Man, this is so cool.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Well, I've got so
we're gonna give this to everybody because I think it
needs to be out there. But if you're if you're
a man who's.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
You're gonna give it to everybody we can we can.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
Give I'm gonna, I'm gonna. Can I Can I tell
them how to get access?
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Yes? Please do.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
First of all, there's there's there's certain types of men
who are not gonna do this. And you know, I've
worked with billionaire. My first client was a billionaire. Really
like a lot of my private clients. It's our you know,
twenty million dollars law firm, half a billion in real estate.
I mean, these guys are not gonna do this. I
just want to give you my number. Just call me.
(35:10):
I'll make time for you. Might not be a long time,
but I'll tell you how men like you are finding
a life of fulfillment beyond success. Eight four seven two
three eight eight three three two text me, reach out
to me. We'll have a quick chat if it makes sense.
We can schedule more time for everybody else that just
(35:30):
wants to right.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
They won't do it. They're not gonna I've done one
hundred plus million, they're not doing it. No, they're not
doing it.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
Call me and I've got I've been coaching men like
you for fifteen years. We're working on trying to get
this out to one hundred million men. So this is
this is going to become purpose dot AI. I want
to give everybody listening access to it because I'd love feedback.
(35:58):
And so it's two hundred four on the website. But
if you DM me, if you go on my Instagram
at Purpose Mapping and dm me the word what's a
good word for Coach Craig, dm me the word habits,
and I'll set up a little auto responder and it'll
shoot you a coupon code and a link to get
(36:19):
this what we've been talking about here for free, and
everybody who finishes it, if you send me your because
it takes about thirty minutes to go through this and
create a map, if you send me your finished map,
I'm also going to give you the habit tracker that
I created for my Wolfpack group. This is a group, man,
I've got entrepreneurs, I've got one of the top outdoor
(36:41):
educators in the country. I've got a naval captain who's
about to leave the Pentagon in about a year, and
so anybody who's looking for what's next, this will help you.
And then I'm going to give you the tracker that
my men's group is using to hold each other accountable
and build camaraderie momentum. And we can certainly talk about it.
That would be a good fit for you, but I
at least want you to have the tracker, So DM
(37:03):
me purpose Mapping at purpose Mapping on Instagram dm me
the word habits plural and the auto responder will send
you a link in a coupon code and you can
get in and then when you get done, email me
Craig getpurpose mapping dot com, send me what you come
up with, and I'll give you the Wolfpack Habits tracker
and you can get underway and if there's more you'd
(37:25):
like to do together, we can talk about it.
Speaker 1 (37:26):
Yeah, I'm going to send this to my list to
do this. I mean it like I'm not kidding. This
is so awesome for me. Right, We're all on this
journey together. Craig and I are on this journey together.
It is valuable for someone who's just starting their journey,
and it's valuable for someone who's done a lot of
work on themselves. So I just want to thank you
(37:48):
for being here. So great to see you in person.
And this is such a wonderful thing that you've given
to the world. And I'm going to have all of
Craig's contact and from in the description and thank you
so much for listening. It is sex afflictions and porn addictions.
Embrace your power of choice and feed the right wolf
(38:08):
inside you and please contact Craig for this wonderful tool.
Thanks for being here, brother, That is awesome.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
You're welcome.
I'm your host, Craig Pera, and you're listening to sex
Afflictions and porn Addictions. I am here with Craig Philick
and I have never done this before. Man, I have
someone like in my house. Craig is someone I met
at the Big Tent Summit and really connected with his mission,
and he happened to be coming this way and he's here,
So thanks for coming by.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Great to be here, man.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
I don't want to do one of those borrow boring intros, right,
I don't do you justice, But can you tell everybody
a little bit about your background, Craig and lead up
to what brought you to this beautiful place you're at
right now?
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Yeah, for sure. So before I do, though, I just
want to say, dude, it's an honor to be here.
I really enjoyed connecting with you in Loveland, and I
had a chance to listen to a couple episodes on
the way down. I really did what you're doing. I
think it's really authentic. I think it's really just a
force for good in the world. So before we even
dive in, I just want to encourage everybody, if you're listening,
(00:58):
go and give Craig a five our review. It makes
a huge difference. Podcast hosts like Craig never asked for this,
but I left one. Took me like a minute. I
just left it on Apple Podcasts. Makes a huge difference.
So I just want to start with that because I
know it can really, you know, over time it can.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Yeah, And I never ask, right because because this is
what make our topics so exciting. My listeners are struggling
with shame. They're hiding, and I saw in your purpose
map the shadow, and I've been talking about that more
on this podcast since I got back from the Mankind Project.
Oh no, no, I got back from the Big Tent Summit.
(01:37):
I'm doing the Mankind Project October second.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Cool.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Yeah, yeah, And so there's a lot of people listening
with in their shadow, and let's let's more about you
give me that, give me that background.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
So I mean, okay, I'm going to start where I'm
at now and then and I'll sort of build the
foundation under it. So have you ever noticed the way
high achieving men get to the top of success mountain?
They climb, you know, check all the checkboxes. They get
the house to wife, the kids, the cars of toys,
(02:15):
the vacations, they get everything the society tells us that
we need in order to be fulfilled. And they get
to the top of that mountain and they look around
and they realize they're on a roadmap. They're not fulfilled.
There's no clear next steps, and they get stranded.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Can I even add to that the vastness of the
wealth the space is a constant reminder of their emptiness.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
That's right. Well. I like to describe it as dopamine
is a monkey reaching for a banana, right. Dopamine is
a motivation molecule. It gives that monkey the impulse to
reach just a little farther. But a monkey surrounded by
bananas has nothing to reach for. And so these men
and start to feel, am I depressed? What's wrong with me?
(03:03):
You know? It's something like why isn't this enough? And
so that's where purpose mapping comes in. I've been doing
this for fifteen years. I have guided some of the
most successful men in America to clarify, now, what what
do I do next? They know that there's more that
life has to offer them, they just don't know how
to find it because it's a different gear, it's a
(03:24):
different game, and they don't know what the rules are
they don't know how to win. They're used to winning,
and so they get paralyzed because they don't want to
take a shot. I mean, just evolutionarily as men. If
we're out on the savannah and you and me and
five other guys are stalking caribou or elk or something,
if I'm not certain that I can land a kill shot,
(03:45):
I'm doing nothing because if I take a shot and miss,
we all starve. And that's just the way that the
Masklin brain is wired. And so men need a clear target,
they need something to aim for, they need something to
reach for. Climbing success mountain provides that in space, But
when you get to the top, what do you do next?
(04:06):
So that's what I do. And I can go on
about how I got there, But something came up for you.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
I want to hear it.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
No, I'm thinking about the contrast between that lack of
purpose and all of that sexual energy and shadow sure
and that conflict. And what I really like about this, guys,
is that there's a lot of great purpose stuff out there.
There's a lot of great purpose stuff out there. I
(04:34):
have a d D brain. It's easy to overwhelm me
and quite honestly, I expect it to be overwhelmed. And
I knew it'd be good because I liked you. I
knew your vibe. What you did hear is crystal clear,
like it is Step one, step two, step three. But
before we get into this, I want to hear a
little bit about you. How did you get to this place?
(04:56):
You had, the job, you were making, the money.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
I'm bored out of my mind now. So where does
shame come from? Shame comes from when we're little boys
and we're acting authentically and we got the stick and
we're about to hit our brother for the candy and no, no,
good boys don't do those things. Good boys don't say
(05:20):
those things. Oh no, mama, I'm not that bad boy
with a stick, right, I'm the good boy that you
want to love and feed and put in a nice
warm bed tonight and not leave out for saber tooth
tiger food. That's where shame comes from. Is we dissociate
from a part of ourselves that we are told is wrong.
It's not guilt. Guilt is I've done something bad. Shame
(05:41):
is I'm bad, And it's very different, and so we
end up every single one of us has a shadow
every single human on the planet has a shadow. But
when we get to the top of success mountain and
we don't have to do anything because the bill are paid,
everything's handled, We've got everything, the maseraties in the garage,
(06:05):
we've got the luxury vacation is you know, paid for,
now what, and that shadow starts to come up again, right,
because the work is a way, it's like workhol is.
It's a way to push that down and then fill
that hole with achievement and dopamine. But when we hit
that top of that mountain, all of those unprocessed urges,
(06:28):
all of the things we didn't choose to be growing up,
they all come back. And that's why in the middle
of crisis, a lot of men will go back to
adolescent behavior because they cut that off in order to
act like an adult.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
And then right that those are the men who find
me when they get caught doing that. That's right.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
So they'll go back and they'll buy the car that
they always wanted. They'll go back and date the woman
that they push.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Right, we'll go to the strip clubs, all the sugar
base be sure sites now, all of that.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Right, drugs I mean, or.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Golfing, play doesn't have to be as destructive.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
It doesn't have to be, but it's not generative, and
I think that actually creates guilt because we know we're
not living up to our full potential.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
And not generative, meaning it's not generating output in alignment
with our purpose.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
It's not contributing net positive in the world. You know,
even a charity golf outing right, it may contribute something,
and I think there's a justification there, but really it's
just a band aid that's somebody else's charity. Each man
has a unique wiring, just like different dog breeds have
(07:46):
a unique wiring. I used to have a border colleague
as smart as a whip right she I watched her.
A friend of mine had a wolf shepherd half wolf,
half jar and shepherd a poppy, probably about you're maybe
thirteen fourteen months old, and my dog was nine and
probably about not quite half the size, and they got
(08:08):
in a fight, territorial fight over a bone in this
other dog's house. Dog got really upset. My dog went
right for the air with its ass. I wasn't even
thirty seconds. The wolf shepherd was crying uncle, and I
was like, that's a force of nature. That's what that
dog is designed for bulls, right, all this, but if
(08:30):
I took her hunting, she's not a labrador, She's not
designed for that. So we each have to figure out
what are we designed for and then we have to
bring that into the world. And unless your Tiger Woods
is probably not golf, there's probably something else, something deep,
or something more authentic. And as you know, the ways
(08:53):
out of addiction, any kind of addiction. I've struggled with
all kinds of addictions. The one I'm fighting right now
is sugar. It's like breaking a heroin addiction.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
I mean literally, I know I'm guilty there totally.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
I went full carnivore in January. I was having these
crazy binge sugar coffee crashes. You know, coffee is not carnivore.
It was the hardest thing. So I built a GPT
and it taught me about potassium, magnesium, glycine, right, And
so it's like I'm literally dosing myself with supplements to
(09:30):
help regulate my neurochemistry, so don't get these massive carb binges.
It's hard, So there's always something, But I know that
from all of the research I've done over decades, like
in Portugal, right, that the antidote for addiction is often connection.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Connection important words around here. The opposite of addiction is
in sobriety, it's connection.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
And in order to connect, have to be transparent about
the things a machine does well.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
It's I like to say, connection with the vulnerability, and
with that comes accountability. So there's like a trio wrapped
up in that connection and that openness that helps keep
you on your game.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
How did you discover that, hm?
Speaker 1 (10:18):
So I think I discovered it bringing my business experience
into my recovery. There was this break, like this, this
moment where like break a habit, make a habit was
a revolutionary phrase because I hated sobriety kind of fucking
(10:38):
fucking boring as shit, right, And and you know, because
I wasn't getting to the dysregulation, I wasn't practicing mindfulness.
The healing environment in which I was in was really helpful,
and we talked a lot about the past, but there
was no focus on purpose that was ever, you know,
(11:00):
thousands of hours maybe of in chair therapy sessions, very
very little, if at all, Like I'm trying to be generous, right,
talked about purpose. That's the first thing guys do when
they get in my program, by the way, because that
fire and that spark is everything, and it comes in layers.
And I like what you talked about in one of
(11:21):
the podcasts I listened to, where it's a framework and
because it's a framework, it grows.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Yeah. Absolutely. So what I've found is that in our
shame is our gold, and in union psychology, gold is
like the sliver of divinity. It's that little spark is
just referred to it. It's that spark of God, cosmic consciousness,
(11:48):
whatever you want to call it. And that gets buried,
you know. Joseph Campbell would say, in the cave you
fear to enter lies the treasure that you seek. So
it's in the last place we would ever want to look,
and that's why we can't find it. And we look
everywhere else, all the external places, but even inside we go,
you know, we go roll as in the back of
(12:09):
our head and pray, you know, meditate whatever. But we
don't want to go down into those painful places, which
is the shortcut. It's the hack if I'm willing to
admit something that I don't want to phase. And I've
got a process in my Wolfpack group we called a
(12:30):
get real session, which starts with what did you commit
to back in the accountability thing? What did you choose
to do instead?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (12:39):
I don't know, I just forgot, But what did you?
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Right?
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I gotta get down to.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
No.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Actually, I chose to ignore the impulse to walk away
from the right. The other thing I'm trying to break
is coffee talk about boring. So I chose to ignore that.
And then we do the you know, the five whys?
Speaker 1 (12:58):
What about about that?
Speaker 2 (12:59):
And then but what was under that?
Speaker 1 (13:01):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (13:01):
But what do you not want to face here? Okay?
But what's under that?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Right?
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Okay? What's the real core of this? And then we
summarize it with okay, what's your major insight here? And
then what's your next step?
Speaker 1 (13:11):
And what are you going to do it?
Speaker 2 (13:12):
But I get back into accountability. It's not this huge
I'm a horrible person. It's just I slipped get back
on track. But it's in the willingness to face the
thing that I just wanted to slip into my blind spot.
If I pull that forward, that's where my power is.
That's where my energy gets trapped. And if I can
bring that forward, then I can unleash that power. Towards
(13:34):
moving towards my purpose and realizing my full potential.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Well, and you're using that feedback loop that this comfort
as the ongoing growth mechanism. We're a lot of lines.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
I love that because the tool the tools are just fundamental.
I mean, it's how the brain works.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
Well in behind every levels, let I'll say this hypothesis,
behind every little sliver of a reaction that you have,
that resistance that you have, is a massive growth opportunity
that you're going to feel really good about. I just
finished my Internal Family Systems Level two training and the
(14:12):
growth didn't come into diving deep into the wounds. It
came with meeting each part where it was and in summary,
it's okay instead of no, no, no, no, no, you shouldn't
feel that way because look everything's going great now, or no,
(14:34):
that's that's bad because you know that's your attict part talking. Right.
So a lot of my guys, right, So, and they've
got a model, a treatment model that they're in a
lot of my listeners because they come to me through
the traditional sex addiction model. So my my addiction is
a disease, that's my attict talking. So in the suppression
(14:59):
of that the deepest, most primal, darkest shadow is also
their golden shadow, and so the model that they're in
has some condition to fear that which is in the shadow,
which makes it really, really hard for them, which is
why I'm glad we're having this conversation.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
You know, I had a mentor once who talked about
her practice is rewilding, so it's it's getting back in
touch with the primal, embodied nature. And she talked about
wanting a stallion. She said, stallions are uncastrated male horses,
and they're very scary, and they're usually locked in the
(15:37):
back of the barn. And you know, somebody goes to
open the door, that could get killed. The stallion's gonna
rear up.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
And stab the door. It's dangerous, dangerous.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Right, Here's what she told me. If you take that
stallion out of the locked, trapped place that it's stuck in,
and you put it out in pasture with other horses,
it's almost like zone defense, Like particularly the female horses
will kind of keep it in check and it'll just
(16:07):
relax and it'll go back to being its generative, healthy, protective, dominant,
but not reckless and dangerous, right right, It's the it's
the way that we trap it and and suppress it
and a heap more shame upon it that makes it
(16:27):
dangerous and it causes the explosions.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Well, and that's what we do, right, We suppress and
it takes for many of us, well at least for
me and most of you guys watching meltdown, like the
stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff. It gets
exposed by a partner or you sink to a new
law and you realize like wait a minute, wait a minute,
(16:49):
like I get to do something about it. But that's
the journey, right, Like that's that's that's why you know
I'm here talking to you about the stuff that we're
talking about. Now, let's bring it back to purpose. What
I love the way you started with essence and you
talked about something called your essence high coup. And I
(17:11):
love haiku because it's simple and this was the perfect
way to orient me. And there's two factors. Can you
tell me a little bit about this because I really dug.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
It, sure so so the way that I and we
could put a link to this, but the way that
I so, I was a philosophy and religion major and
I was trying to figure out what is the nature
of the good life?
Speaker 1 (17:35):
How?
Speaker 2 (17:36):
You know, my folks were well to do. I was adopted,
I think you mentioned as well, right, and so I
was raised with every privilege. I was like Sidharto, you know,
I sort of lived in this palace with no It
was in a palace, but it was a sizable state,
and you know, it was overwhelmingly insulated from life. And
(17:57):
I was trying to figure out, well, what is the
good life? And what I ultimately I did mankind project
when I was eighteen, when I ultimately came to is
that there is ways of being and things we do.
So those are two sides of the quadrant, and then
the top and bottom are that feel better or feel worse.
(18:18):
So the ways of being that feel better, that's our essence.
And I give it the color blue, like the sky
with no clouds. It's this spacious feeling of oh, yeah,
this is me, this is the real me.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
This is I'm in my authentic place.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Yeah it feels good. I'd like to be here more.
I don't know how I stumble into this, and I
don't know how I stumble out of it, but it's
on the map.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Now, and I think in the internal family systems model.
They would call this essence the self. You could, yeah,
because I'm looking at even the words that you use
to describe it are the ifs, Yeah, elements of the
self that that core I might.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Well, let's get into that. That might that might be
the gold.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
I might call this the persona persona.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
The persona is the character traits that I like about
my mind?
Speaker 1 (19:07):
Got it? Got it? That makes sense? Yeah, versus your
Jiminy cricket, holy spirit fingerprint.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Gold.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
So you start right, So we start with essence, and
then we look at strength. So these are the things
we do that feel better. They put us into flow.
I give it the color green, like growth. And the
emotional content of essence is joy or bliss. The emotional
content of our strengths is fear, which is different than anxiety.
(19:37):
Fear is holy shit, I could die. Let's go right,
like jumping out of an airplane or skiing off a cliff.
If you're a skier, your whole life, right, you know
you're gonna hit flow. I would die. That is too
far beyond my serve of comfort, right, we only want
to go four percent beyond our comfort zone. But in
the direction of something we're passionate about speaking on stage right,
(19:57):
there's this feeling of holy shit, I could die, and
you step in and do it, and that sparks off adrenaline,
which brings us fully present and fully focused in our body.
And so it's a very visceral, it's very embodied experience. Now,
the strengths are things that we can go do. And
the reason I give it the term haiku, I know
(20:18):
what a haiku is. My mother was an English teacher,
but I use haiku a little bit loosely because it's
three lines. It's just three adjectives or nouns or in
the case of the strengths, it's verbs. But it gives
you poetic license to kind of play with them and
shape them until they roll off your tongue, because that's
what sticks.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
In until you feel it. Because you've got this other
metric here, which says how in alignment zero zero to
one hundred, and so that forces you to like, is
that really it? And then you sit on it and
you're like, I'm almost there yet. I was on seventy
percent and then I got stuck, and I said, that's okay.
You know, it's okay to be stuck there because now
(20:59):
I just get to think about.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
It, right, as long as you get the cardinal directions,
the north, south, east, and west of it, like you said,
the framework will evolve over your lifetime. So then we
go to downfall. So under the strengths in the things
we do that feel worse is our downfall. And this
is red like the red flag on a field, like whoa,
let's back that play up and try that again. Okay,
(21:21):
this is behavior. So this is where guilt lives. It's
anything we relate to, anxiety, anger, depression, dissociation, addictions, anything
that we feel guilty about, even if it's sitting in
LA traffic for ninety minutes going to a job you hate,
knowing I should be on stage, or I should be
a screenwriter, or I should be doing this other thing.
(21:42):
And I know I'm not letting up to my full potential.
I'm paying the rent or whatever, but I feel guilty
because it's not what I'm truly capable of.
Speaker 1 (21:52):
So as an example of my downfall that I'm working
through is my competitiveness. One of the things, Craig, that
I learned at the Big Tent Summit. And I've got
a part that's like you stupid idiot. How could you
have not fixed these problems after thirteen years? How could
you have not known what all these people know? So
(22:13):
I want to acknowledge, thank you for reminding me part,
but how collaborative everybody was? And I get so anxious, like, wait,
does Craig do the sex and porn? But is he
know him? And he know him? And I think I
remember him online and I get in my head and
I remember one time at the Big Tent Summit. I
(22:37):
looked over and someone said, Hi, my name is Joe,
I do this? How can I help your business? And
I went and I kind of got a little choked
up because I saw how that subconscious competitive nature the
(22:58):
lawyer a single role contributor. I mean, I served in
executive roles, but I've been fired from them in spectacular fashion, Craig.
So my leadership skills and collaboration skills. I have titles
that reflect that I have those skills, but I did
not cultivate them over a lengthy executive career developing them,
(23:22):
and so they've all illuminated recently. So that's an example
that competitiveness. Right when you say downfall, my downfall is
I don't even realize how subconsciously competitive I am, and
that keeps me from connecting with people.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
I might even put competitive in your shadow because if
you're not realizing it, and it's a way of being
that permeates a lot. So the doing would be, like
you were saying as we were getting set up here, overthinking,
and I was like, yeah, my downfall is over complexify.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
God and doing. It's doing things you do that And
what I love about this and I'm so grateful for
the corrections and guidance because it's clear, you know, once
I reflect that, we're now ondoing. Okay, good, let's keep going.
Let's keep going. This is really great.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
So this is anything that takes you out of flow
or when you're out of flow, because a lot of
times we slip and next thing, you know, I mean,
I can't tell you how many times. And I finally
kicked it, and I think purpose was really the way
I kicked it. But I lived in Rochester, New York
for twenty years. You died it. But I'm adopted. Had
a daughter unexpectedly with a woman that I met on
(24:30):
Grateful Dead tour right after I graduated college. It happens,
it happens, I mean, it's you know, adoptees typically repeat
the cycle, they try to work it out. And so
I decided I'm going to stay and I toughed it out.
And I was very kind of awkward and weird in that.
You know, if I was in Boulder or San Francisco,
people would have been like, oh, yeah, he's just like
us Rochester. It was not like that.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Oh, very challenging.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
So I ended up nursing a twenty year we'd addiction
and I kicked it every six months. I kicked it
for about six months, yeah, you know, and it was
one of those things and it's like somehow I would
slip out of flow and next thing you know, I'd
be looking down in my hand and with a pipe
full of weed and it's got the char marks on it,
and I'd be like.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
Damn magic. It happened so fast?
Speaker 2 (25:13):
How did this happen? Like I tossed all this shit
in the trash.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I used to say, I would trip and I'd fall
into a vagina.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
These things happen.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
It happens.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
So anything that takes you out of flow, or when
you're out of flow, you catch yourself doing these things,
that's downfall. Downfall Okay, got it, which brings us to you. Now,
what we've done is and this is the magic of
purpose mapping. And I've never seen a Ted talk, I've
never seen a book on this. I've never seen anybody
else that does this. And I learned this from Mankind
project is where I first learned the shadow from Iron
(25:44):
John and the whole I'm not gonna go into the
weekend because you're about to go through it, but this
is where I learned it. We've just painted the shadow
into a corner. So we did three or four quadrants.
We think we touched on the shadow. But what most
people think of their shadow is their downfall. Moving into
the actual shadow now gives us a way to pin
(26:05):
it down and to get the gold out of it.
So you're saying competitiveness, right, any type of you know,
addict is in my shadow, right, and I wish it wasn't.
And I don't want anybody to know that doesn't always
look like you know, the things that I'm most ashamed
about it like it's coffee. You're like, hey, I got
(26:27):
an espresso, and I'm like, don't say that around me, dude,
Like totally fine, But it's it's one of those things.
Where as soon as I got to sit down and
write some copy, as soon as I've got to do
something anything outside of my normal range, right, I want
to push something a little further. I go right for
(26:49):
the coffee, which is great and it works like a charm,
but then it throws my sleep off a little bit.
So the next morning, I'm like, you know, it works well,
yesterday I could use a little bump. I'll do it
again today. Three months later, I'm going to my nature
solo like I just got back from him, like.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
I gotta kick this.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
This is killing me. I'm not. I'm looking at my
oar ring. I'm not getting enough deep sleep. I'm just
in it, you know, like the burnout is starting to
kick in. It's like this is downfall. So the addict
part of me, though, will find sugar, It'll find anything
to latch.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
And justify it.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Oh, totally and hiding.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
As you were talking, I am rationalizing my nicotine, gum
my my costs.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
What good biohackers do. That that's this is normal, this
is what we do. Yeah, totally, I know that's exactly it.
So so there's that. So we've got the shadow painted
into a corner, which is tricky to do. And I've
done hundreds of these, and every time a man puts
(27:56):
his shadow on the map, there's a sense of oh yeah,
it's like, oh, okay, I get to be my whole self.
I'm not being shamed out of this. I'm not being judged.
I'm not being kicked out of the room. I'm not
being kicked out of my family, I'm not being kicked
out of wherever. We're just here with all parts of ourselves.
(28:17):
And I called the four quadrants that we just went
through the map of psychological wholeness, just to get it
on the map, because a profound experience for a.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
Lot of men. The framework is so tight, it's simple.
I'm a like, that's my thing. You know. I love
curriculum and I love you know how you have distilled
this information brilliantly.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Yeah, no, man, okay, I keep interrupting to tell you
how great it is. But let's talk about how.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
This so we're going to get the gold out of
the shadow. This is the twist. And the twist is
it's really simple. You know, we just look at all right, well,
what's the opposite of that? And there's a process for it,
and we go through and we say, Okay, the opposite
of addiction is connection. The opposite of addiction is altruism.
(29:11):
The opposite of addiction is.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
Love, purpose, safety, connection.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
Great, right, And then we go through and we look
at all the shadow words in the haiku, and we
and we and we come up with some twists for
each of those, and we picked the one from each
column that really and I think this is what you
might be describing as the self with the capital ass.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
I imagine it's the it's the deeper, right, yes.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
Yeah, So so my goal is sweetly surrendered success. It's
just I'm not hustling and grinding. I'm not bashing my
head against the wall with coffee and stimulants, right, I'm
just surrendered in the flow of life. And you're like, hey,
you want to swing by Rockland. It's like, sure, it's
(29:55):
right on my way, right.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
There was no effort there was.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
It was so natural and by the way, not something
I do normally, Like I am. When I tell you
I have been in a silo for thirteen years, Craig,
you'd be surprised to say, Wow, You've done really well
in that silo. Things are going to go really well
for you now that you're coming out of it. It's
it's shocking, I really you know my podcast. I recently
(30:20):
joined Rotary Club because I realized I'm like, I'm not
practicing what I preach. But when you don't have people
around you who to say, hey, check out what about
I don't think you're looking at this thing over here.
You know, when's the last time you went out with
your friends? You know, when's the last time you connected
with other guys in the program. So that was a
(30:43):
really important learning for me, and I feel really grateful
for it.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
So connected would probably be in connected.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
Yeah, your goal.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Then what we do is we connect the energy, attention
and power that was track in the Shadow that we
just released, and we just put a name on it.
It's like X marks the spot.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Yes, yes, yes, So now you're at the deepest shame
to opposite.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
Right right, because at the bottom of every black hole
is a supernova. If you go deep enough into it,
you're going to explode into Wow, this is holy smokes,
this is as well. And then we take that energy
attention to power and we go from the lower left
quater where the shadow is, to the upper right quater
where the strengths are. We connect that gold to the strengths.
(31:32):
And so because I can do my strengths, it's like
gym equipment, right, upper body, core, legs.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Right.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
My strengths are creating, illuminating, and gamifying, which you see right, Yes,
I do all that, and that's what I like to do.
But when I am doing that with my gold shining
through those channels, right, it's like Schwarzenegger said, the muscle
is built in the last four reps. When I think
(31:56):
I'm done right, when my humanness is toast, but the
spirit comes through and pushes those last four reps. That's
where the real growth happens. That's where the magic is.
And so that's ultimately now we've got that on a map,
and then we build a strategic framework, vision mission milestone
(32:18):
like a ninety day right towards a three to five
year mission, and then your next action step. And every
single day, if you're taking one tiny I mean the
tiniest possible step, the tiniest towards your milestone, you're moving
it forward. You're getting that dopamine, and next thing you know,
you've achieved your milestone, and then you get another milestone. Right,
(32:38):
what is the one thing that if you got nothing
else done in the next ninety days, this one thing
we move the needle most towards your mission. You're three
to five year, big hairry, audacious goal. And I think
that there's a critical distinction to be made here. A
lot of people, pretty much everybody, conflate purpose in mission. Yeah,
(33:00):
you're talking about is the manally different? I was a
philosophy major. So what does a good philosopher do? They
always begin by defining their terms. What are we even
talking about? Purpose is existential? Who am I? Why am
I here? How am I wired like a dog breed?
Speaker 1 (33:15):
Right?
Speaker 2 (33:15):
What is my nature? Mission is strategic? What am I
going to do about that?
Speaker 1 (33:21):
Right?
Speaker 2 (33:21):
And if you climb a mountain and you get to
the top and you say I have achieved my purpose, well,
suddenly you don't have a reason to exist. And the
existential tail spins that I see men go into just
because they've got the lexicon wrong.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
That's when they call me because it goes down to
a dark place.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Right, which is natural, because that's where the gold is.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Such vacancy. When they lose that, they lose that identity
or you know, fastest growing demographic, Craiger. Guys who retire,
they lose that identity as executive and boss and chief
and the leadership, and then they're like, use the wrong
coupon at the soup a market.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
That's right, That's right. Those are the guys I work with. Yeah,
can I can I give them my number?
Speaker 1 (34:05):
Yeah? Please? Please give them give it. What I want
to say before you do that is not only is
the purpose beautifully mapped out and I'm gonna give everyone
a link to access this. The mission is and then
the habits to a complimission to accomplish the mission is
beautifully organized, Craig. I really have not seen anything organized
(34:27):
like this in a long time. And you guys know
I'm tough to impress. Man, this is so cool.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Well, I've got so
we're gonna give this to everybody because I think it
needs to be out there. But if you're if you're
a man who's.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
You're gonna give it to everybody we can we can.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
Give I'm gonna, I'm gonna. Can I Can I tell
them how to get access?
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Yes? Please do.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
First of all, there's there's there's certain types of men
who are not gonna do this. And you know, I've
worked with billionaire. My first client was a billionaire. Really
like a lot of my private clients. It's our you know,
twenty million dollars law firm, half a billion in real estate.
I mean, these guys are not gonna do this. I
just want to give you my number. Just call me.
(35:10):
I'll make time for you. Might not be a long time,
but I'll tell you how men like you are finding
a life of fulfillment beyond success. Eight four seven two
three eight eight three three two text me, reach out
to me. We'll have a quick chat if it makes sense.
We can schedule more time for everybody else that just
(35:30):
wants to right.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
They won't do it. They're not gonna I've done one
hundred plus million, they're not doing it. No, they're not
doing it.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
Call me and I've got I've been coaching men like
you for fifteen years. We're working on trying to get
this out to one hundred million men. So this is
this is going to become purpose dot AI. I want
to give everybody listening access to it because I'd love feedback.
(35:58):
And so it's two hundred four on the website. But
if you DM me, if you go on my Instagram
at Purpose Mapping and dm me the word what's a
good word for Coach Craig, dm me the word habits,
and I'll set up a little auto responder and it'll
shoot you a coupon code and a link to get
(36:19):
this what we've been talking about here for free, and
everybody who finishes it, if you send me your because
it takes about thirty minutes to go through this and
create a map, if you send me your finished map,
I'm also going to give you the habit tracker that
I created for my Wolfpack group. This is a group, man,
I've got entrepreneurs, I've got one of the top outdoor
(36:41):
educators in the country. I've got a naval captain who's
about to leave the Pentagon in about a year, and
so anybody who's looking for what's next, this will help you.
And then I'm going to give you the tracker that
my men's group is using to hold each other accountable
and build camaraderie momentum. And we can certainly talk about it.
That would be a good fit for you, but I
at least want you to have the tracker, So DM
(37:03):
me purpose Mapping at purpose Mapping on Instagram dm me
the word habits plural and the auto responder will send
you a link in a coupon code and you can
get in and then when you get done, email me
Craig getpurpose mapping dot com, send me what you come
up with, and I'll give you the Wolfpack Habits tracker
and you can get underway and if there's more you'd
(37:25):
like to do together, we can talk about it.
Speaker 1 (37:26):
Yeah, I'm going to send this to my list to
do this. I mean it like I'm not kidding. This
is so awesome for me. Right, We're all on this
journey together. Craig and I are on this journey together.
It is valuable for someone who's just starting their journey,
and it's valuable for someone who's done a lot of
work on themselves. So I just want to thank you
(37:48):
for being here. So great to see you in person.
And this is such a wonderful thing that you've given
to the world. And I'm going to have all of
Craig's contact and from in the description and thank you
so much for listening. It is sex afflictions and porn addictions.
Embrace your power of choice and feed the right wolf
(38:08):
inside you and please contact Craig for this wonderful tool.
Thanks for being here, brother, That is awesome.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
You're welcome.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.