March 26, 2025 • 38 mins
Resentment is silently fueling your addiction and sabotaging your recovery—and most men don’t even know it’s happening. In this powerful episode of Sex Afflictions & Porn Addictions, Craig Perra, world-renowned coach and creator of The Mindful Habit System, exposes the hidden force that keeps men stuck in cycles of shame, secrecy, and sabotage: resentment. If you're battling sex addiction or porn addiction, chances are you're also fighting a part of you that feels controlled, dismissed, or unheard. That resentful part becomes the justifier—the one who says, “Why bother?”… “She’ll never forgive me”… “I’ll never be good enough.” Inside this episode:
Cut & Paste This Link for The Resentment Part PDF - https://drive.google.com/file/d/1L60BA7Hk-VuzQa6G302IfysNp4ut_TiR/view?usp=sharing
📍 Visit https://www.mindfulhabithelp.com to learn more about our programs or download the free worksheet Craig mentions in this episode.
- How resentment becomes the fuel for relapse and acting out
- The truth about your power dynamic post-D-Day (Discovery Day)
- Why traditional therapy often misses this key internal battle
- The game-changing impact of parts work (think Pixar's Inside Out for grown men in recovery)
- How to stop reacting and start leading your resentful part with self-leadership
- And how journaling, awareness, and mindfulness can transform resentment from a saboteur to an ally
Cut & Paste This Link for The Resentment Part PDF - https://drive.google.com/file/d/1L60BA7Hk-VuzQa6G302IfysNp4ut_TiR/view?usp=sharing
📍 Visit https://www.mindfulhabithelp.com to learn more about our programs or download the free worksheet Craig mentions in this episode.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Resentment will destroy you.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
It's fueling your addiction and stunting your recovery. And we're
going to get deep into resentment today. Welcome everybody. My
name is Craig Perra. I am the founder of the
Mindful Habit System, and for the past thirteen years, my
wife and I and our amazing team has been leading
(00:25):
men to healthy sexuality and great lives. You're listening to
Sex Inflictions and Porn Addictions, a podcast to help you
create and sustain healthy sexuality and a great life. Those
two things are inexorably intertwined.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
They cannot be separated.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
And to create and sustain I'll say it one more
time because I want you to focus on what you
should be focusing on.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Too much.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Break habit out there, not enough, make a habit. Okay,
we're going to do both today. We're going to talk
about the resentful part. I'm going to put it in perspective.
If you've never heard of Part's work before, I'll explain
to you what.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
I mean by that.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
But before I even get to before I even you
know what, I have a part of me that resents control,
that resents being told what to do, that resents.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Authority that at my lowest.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Points resented my wife, my family, my job, my boss,
my wife, and I knew nothing about it. You probably
don't either, So take notes and buckle up, because we
are going to dive deep into the part of you
(01:58):
that feels resentment and we're going to talk about that.
So what you are probably familiar with is your perceived
power dynamic in your relationship. Okay, I want you to
think of a power dynamic. Okay, And I want you
(02:19):
to think about the power dynamic in your relationship before
D day. Discovery Day, did you feel like you were
seen in the relationship. Do you feel like you were
able to communicate those needs in a healthy, constructive way
to your partner? No, right, you feel now listen, this
(02:45):
is all a projection, So partner's listening. This is a projection.
These are the stories we're telling ourselves. But tell me
if this is you, let me know in the comments section.
You feel like you're the one down in the relationship
right now. Now, this power dynamic where you're the one
(03:05):
down has been magnified since Discovery Day.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
You're even more in trouble. You feel even more helpless,
like she holds all the power.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Right, We've all heard the expression happy wife, happy life.
My wife Michelle hates that expression. Hates that expression for
so many different reasons. And I hate it too, because
I learned the valuable lesson that if you don't meet
your needs proactively, mindfully, intentionally, that means you know what
(03:36):
they are, they get met reactively, automatically, habitually as a trained,
conditioned response. Okay, so if you don't know what your
needs are, you are unable to communicate them.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
But what do you do know? Right?
Speaker 2 (03:57):
I want everyone here to think about the the part
of themselves that rationalizes their behavior. Right, what does that
part say? Nothing I do is ever good enough? Why bother?
Speaker 1 (04:12):
How about this? She doesn't do that thing that I
want her to do?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Or she yells, she screams, she nags. Think of and
I want you to think about that. Right, if you're
sitting and you're in a quiet place, I want you
to imagine yourself at your most resentful in who is
present in this scene that you're creating in your mind. Right,
(04:40):
you can close your eyes and you can imagine yourself
at your worst moment of conflict, where you're sick and
tired of being sick and tired all of your recovery
work doesn't matter. Nothing you do is ever good enough.
(05:01):
Why bother? Right, this is the part that says fuck it,
fuck it. Well, we call them fuck it guy, but
they're like cousins with resentment. Fuck it guy says, why
bother I? Nothing I do matters. It's always gonna be
like this. It's never gonna get better. I'm not being
(05:23):
treated fairly. There is a double standard. She gets to
say all this and I can't say any of that.
That is the justification for the acting out behavior. Right,
there's there's a you know, these aren't some random acts
just you know, like falling out of your pocket, like
(05:45):
you lose change. Right, you have justified these behaviors to yourself.
And that's why parts Work is so important. So if
you know nothing about parts Work, I'm talking Pixar's movie
Inside Out, which is based on the science that recognizes
(06:06):
the neuroscience that says we have different parts of us
that react differently in response to different situations. It's you
don't even need the neuroscience to say, listening to this podcast, yeah,
you know what, there is a part of me that
wants to do all these bad things. And then there's
another part it's like you crazy, You're gonna lose everything
(06:27):
that's dear to you. You're gonna lose everything. But there's
this other part that you can't control. So I'm represented
in cartoons as the angel on one side, the devil
on the other side. We have these different parts that
awaken in response to external stimuli, and some of the
(06:48):
parts that we deal with all the time at the
mindful habit is the attic part, the liar part, the
shame not good enough part.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
And let me know in the chat what other parts
you can think of? Right?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
What are the different parts of you that you need
to pay attention to? What are the parts that is mandatory.
It's mandatory for everybody, but especially for the men in relationships.
Is we've got to do a deep dive into that
resentful part. Right, This part left uncontrolled is justifying your behavior.
(07:33):
This part has the rationale in all the reasons why
you should do your acting out behavior.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Okay, and here's the good news. Right. One of the
good news is there's something you can do about it.
There's a framework that addresses that reality, and not only
address that reality, gives you a.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Model to deal with it going forward. And that model
starts at the center called self leadership.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
Right, we have to lead these different parts because of
any of you brothers who's been in recovery for a
long time. Though, these parts don't go away. No amount
of therapy, counseling, meetings, mindfulness, prayer eliminates your reality that
you are going to feel resentful at some point in
(08:24):
your life.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
It's part of the human condition. The resentment part wants Okay,
let's go through it, right, let's go through it. I
want you to imagine that moment when you were most
resentful towards your partner, and I want you to put
(08:48):
aside all the terrible things that you did. There were many,
and maybe you're still doing so. I'm glad you're listening. Right,
We're not focusing on that now. We're putting that aside
so you can connect with the justifier, the grudge holder,
(09:11):
the keeper of wrongs, the why you deserve it part.
We'll call that part resentment. And if you're in a
safe place to do it, close your eyes and just
pretend that part was a character in a movie.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
What does he look like, what does he look like?
What does he feel like?
Speaker 2 (09:37):
If this part was a character and you had to
make your own Pixar movie inside out. For what's going
on inside your head? What would this part look like?
I want you to think about that, and let's carry
(09:58):
that visual as a as we make our way through
a framework to.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Better understand this part.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Give you a perspective of how it's impacting you, where
it comes from, what it needs, why it does what
it's dubbed, why it does what it does, the job
that it's doing, and what to do about it. Okay,
now I have to say this stuff comes in layers.
If you want to really, really really lead your parts
(10:31):
and break the cycle that's keeping you stucked despite all
the considerable effort that you've spent on yourself, and take
a systemic approach. And part of that system is learning
how to lead these parts going forward. And to lead them,
you have to understand them. Well, then visit mindfulhabit heelp
(10:52):
dot com. Call the number, schedule an appointment in the comments. Right, Hey,
I'm interested. But the best thing to do is go
to mindfulhabithelp dot com and study the different programs. But
if you're not in a place to do that, and well,
let's keep going, right, So here's what I want you
(11:14):
to think about. Let's get practical, Okay, If you have
a resentful part and you've got a sense of what
it looks like if it was a character in a movie,
Like if you were doing one of those filters on
the phone where you press the button and then somebody
pops up. You know, you look like yourself in a
(11:36):
monetue painting, one of those kinds of filters. Right, you've
got your filter for your resentful part. When does this
part show up? And I want to give you some examples, Right,
when is this part triggered?
Speaker 1 (11:50):
What triggers this part?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
One of my favorite expressions is your triggers awaken your parts.
And one of the reason why I love that expression
because it's clear and makes this part's work really practical.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Your triggers awaken your part? When do you feel resentful?
Speaker 2 (12:12):
When does this part hijack your central nervous system? Is
it when your wife brings up your past betrayals and
there's a part of.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
You saying she's never gonna let it go?
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Does this part show up when you feel like, no
matter what you do, you're still the villain, You're still
the bad guy. Nothing I do is that nothing I
do is good enough. We're not talking reality here, guys,
we're talking projection. And for any partners listening, I'm gonna
speak really, really bluntly, so I can get in your
(12:48):
partner's head to encourage him to tap into that narrative.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
You feel the resentment? What's there?
Speaker 2 (12:56):
You feel when his energy shifts? Right, you know when
he gets defensive? Okay, and well, to do something about it,
you have to understand it. So this my one talk
is to help you understand it.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
Right.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
This part awakens when you don't get the credit for
the work that you've been doing. All right, maybe when
you hear stories of other guys who are doing well.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
When you feel trapped in guilt and anger, I'll never
be free from this right resentment.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
What about if you perceive that your wife there's double
standards where she's allowed to talk about certain emotional things,
you're not allowed to talk about other things.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Your needs don't have validity because of your sins, because
of what you've done. You've lost credibility, you've lost authority.
You feel like your needs don't matter. And so think about.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
The exact moments when you're resentful part awakens. You got
to know when that's happening. Okay, So what triggers the
resentful part? And if you're doing this right, you've got
a journal next to you. Thousands of studies have documented
the mental and physical health benefits of journaling absolutely overwhelming.
(14:17):
This is too complicated a problem to solve. Without writing
these things down, you cannot do it.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
I am sorry. Maybe if you've got a photographic memory.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Even then, there's independent value for the act of committing
things to paper. There's value in handwriting, there's value in typing.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Do what worked for you. But you have to take notes.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Okay, let that be a secondary lesson in this video.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
You have to take notes.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
So to understand this part, you want to know what
triggers this part into existence.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Okay, make a list. Make a list now as you
close your eyes and get into character, and remember that
moment when you were most activated, disregulated, triggered, pissed off, upset, resentful.
She's not treating me fairly? Right? What does this part
say to you? What does this part say to you?
(15:18):
What are the thoughts that you have.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
I'll tell you one of the thoughts that I used
to have is, look, fucking crisis won't stop.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
I can't take it anymore. I am so sick of it.
Here's what I'm doing, Here's what I'm looking at, Here's
where I'm going. I had this.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
Now I understand a ridiculous reaction, but there was a reaction.
What's your reaction? What does this part say to you?
She'll never forgive you, So why bother.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
About this? I've already paid my price? Why are you still?
How long am I going to be in the punishment phase?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
How about this? Why do you get to say? However
you feel? And as soon as I bring it up,
I'm being defensive. Right, Nobody knows how goddamn hard we're trying,
and nobody cares.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Nobody cares. This isn't fair. This isn't fair. She's never
made mistakes, she's never hurt you, she never did anything wrong.
Everything's my fault.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
Think about that, really, sit and take a breath and
get into character. Right right down the curse words, right
down the phrases that you know that repeat.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Themselves over and over and again. And the reason why
you have to do this is because eventually that resentment builds, build, build, build.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
And resentment like one of those things in football when
they run behind it.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
The quarterback hands it off the fucking guy.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
And fuck you, guy says, why bother? What is the
point of even trying?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
I deserve it.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
I deserve it because I'm not getting something over here.
I am resentful because I'm not getting my needs met
over here. This part has very specific triggers and has
very specific thoughts and what we're doing. There's a lot
(17:42):
of things that we're doing. But one of the things
that we're doing, and I want you to ask yourself,
are you doing this.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
In your therapy and your counseling in your program.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
Are you learning to use your awareness of the trigger
and the thought to do something else? Because you're not
gonna get rid of the trigger. You're not gonna get
rid of the thought, right, there's no future reality where
you don't like, get a resentment trigger.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
It just isn't going to happen. That's not the human condition.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Maybe if you move to the monastery and dedicate your
life fourteen hours a day for twenty years, maybe right
you will experience that perfect peace and tranquility.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I know I'll experience it when I'm dead. We've got to.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Learn to manage these parts. So this part gets triggered.
This part has thoughts.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
This part has a physical sensation in the body in
this part causes us to do things that make things
significantly worse.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
What does this part cause us to do? To shut
down emotionally when your wife expresses her pain, Here we
go again.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
I thought we were moving forward. We didn't talk about
my thing.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
You shut down this part because you have this perceived
power imbalance where you're the one down right, gets defensive
argues instead of listening. You can have lots of points
that you need to make, but you got to make
them now.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
No, you can't control it. You feel resentful.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Us men thrive on significance, and when that outside, when
people looking at the outside. So many of my clients
are really successful, and there's that massive contrast to how
people are seeing them on the inside and how powerless
and weak and pathetic that they feel in their relationships.
And then they've made this stinking mess and it's even worse.
(19:55):
We get defensive, we get angry, We shut down emotionally.
Compare the scorekeeper the resentful part, keep score?
Speaker 1 (20:04):
What about this? What about this? What about that? You
did this? You did that?
Speaker 2 (20:07):
Whenever Michelle would blow a gasket and I would date
her to blow a gasket because I was so manipulative. Right,
push button, push button, push button, she'd blow a gasket
and scream like a crazy person. I'm like, ahh, you're
the crazy one. You're the crazy one that's gaslighting, manipulative
(20:29):
and abusive.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
I just want to be clear telling you how I
think about my behavior today and looking back, right, that's
what I think.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
I think it's important for me to call it what
it is, and you know.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
I want to talk about it. So I got you right.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
And because I had no understanding of what my needs
really were and had absolutely no conditioning on training and
communicating those needs and getting those needs met in an
emotionally mature way, I didn't even understand these words existed.
I would get resentful and act out, and I justified
(21:19):
my acting out by that resentment.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
The resentment is fuel for acting out. What does the
resentful part make you do?
Speaker 2 (21:28):
Act out, avoid difficult conversations, hold on to anger, right
resentments to grudge keeper The resentful part keeps score. But
here's the thing that is massively important to understand. Virtually
(21:51):
all behavior is need seeking behavior.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
We are need seeking organisms.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Everything we do is a train condition response to meet
needs in some way, shape or form.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
And if needs don't get met proactively, they get met
reactively if you don't learn how to know what your
needs are and communicate them in a way that they'll
be received and honored and respected.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
And you've got two people who use this crisis to
join arm in arm and bat down the hatches and
do the work that's necessary to make the relationship better,
because that's the only outcome where I've seen joy and happiness.
As the relationship has to be better. Doesn't mean that
there aren't challenges, doesn't mean that there's intimacy hurdles to climb.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
This is essentially im part and intimacy disorder.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
And so you got to manage the resentful part, right,
But let's think about it right, So all behaviors need
seeking behavior. To break a habit, you have to make
the right habit that meets the right needs. What is
this part trying to accomplish?
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Right? Why does this resentful part skeep core, keep score.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Well, it wants you to be treated fairly, It wants
you to have a say. It wants you to have fun,
to experience joy, to escape, to relax, to get away,
to do nothing and as you dig into this part,
(23:34):
you must understand exactly what this part is trying to accomplish.
You have to understand the needs that this part is meeting.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
So you can meet those needs proactively. Right.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
And that's the incredible value of the parts work. It
not only gives you a container. Not only does it
give you a container to put all the family of
origin stuff, the childhood stuff that you've been talking about,
maybe in some cases ad nauseum in therapy like this
puts the family of origin. The conditioning, the training one
(24:13):
of my favorite words, I love the word training. Right,
all of your behaviors that you're trying to break or
train condition responses, you actually lack capacity. You can't do it.
How do we build capacity? We build capacity by using
your awareness of the reaction to drive positive react to
(24:37):
drive positive action, using your awareness of the reaction to
drive positive action. Why is that necessary? Because you're not
going to get rid of the reaction. You're going to
get triggered and there's a you're gonna have thoughts, You're
going to feel that way in your body, You're going
to feel like you're not being treated fairly. Nobody can
push our buttons like our partner, and our children and
(25:00):
our parents and our boss. Whenever there's a power dynamic authority.
How about some of you guys on authority and guys,
here's another perspective that I think it's important to have.
In thirteen years helping guys, almost every guy is projecting
authority onto his wife.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
She's the boss. She's the boss. You do not feel
like an equal.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
You may be the boss out in public professionally, but
at home you feel that power dynamic that we talked
about earlier.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
Now, how was that part trained?
Speaker 2 (25:43):
This is the family of origin, root cause, childhood container.
We put it in the container of the part to
know how did I get so bad at solving problems
for myself?
Speaker 1 (25:56):
How did I get so bad at stuffing these behaviors
down in using it to justify actions that is hearing
me apart and destroying the lives of people. I love
my wife because this part was trained.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
So I want to give you some questions to think
about so you can ask yourself and something that you
can work on with your therapist or like I said,
you want to hit this deeply, quickly and practically mindfulhabit
heelp dot com so a couple questions for you to
think about.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Right, growing up, how did your family handle conflict? Did
your parents hold grudges or did they forgive easily? Now?
Remember train condition response. These are patterns.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
You are repeating patterns And for any of you guys
reluctant to go into the past, or you say to yourself,
you know what, I had a great childhood. Nothing to
see there, No, no, no, no, that is the wrong perspective.
You can have a great childhood and be trained in
(27:07):
conditioned to lie and keep sexual secrets.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
We'll do the.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
Liar another day. That's another fascinating part. How long you
been lying about using pleasure to escape this comfort?
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Oh? Like one of your oldest and most impactful habits.
You gotta be kidding me. Think how far back that goes? So?
Speaker 2 (27:28):
Did your parents hold grudges? Did they forgive easily? Were
you allowed to express anger but you have to stuff
it down? Were you're allowed to express emotion? Did you
see one parent resent the other? And did you see
resentment go unresolved? Were you taught that admitting mistakes meant
(27:55):
punishment instead of repair?
Speaker 1 (27:58):
What happened when you admitted a miss steak?
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Right? Did you learn that people never truly forgive? So
how was resentment modeled for you? Did you grow up
thinking that trust, once broken, could never be repaired. Did
you have to fight to be heard? Did you learn
to meet your needs in secret because meeting them outward
(28:24):
and openly would subject you to ridicule or shame or
anger or judgment, criticism. Were you taught to suppress your
feelings and that's like every guy right, stub it down, concealed, don't.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Feel and yes, I just quote quoted frozen. Did you
learn to use resentment as a chield so you wouldn't
have to face your own heart?
Speaker 2 (28:50):
How?
Speaker 1 (28:51):
In the overarching question that I want you to ask
is how did you? How was resentment trained?
Speaker 2 (29:00):
And that leads you down a deep, fascinating, wildly impactful
journey of understanding how you got to be this way?
Why is this your default behavior? Those thoughts that we
thought about in the beginning, when you get resentful and
(29:20):
you want to fly off the handle and say those
things and think those things and I'm magically appearing out of.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Thin air, they are trained, conditioned responses. What wires together
fires together, And this is one of the values of
understanding how this part was trained.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Your resentful part is all of you, is a combination
of your genetics in your environment.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
And we know now more than ever that line.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Between genetics environment is not nearly as clear as we
thought it once was. In fact, we know that the
environment that you're in trigger genes to turn on an
office called that butt and it sounds absolutely crazy, but
look it up.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
It's true.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
So that line between environment and genes is.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
Not the solid line. Right, they're blend. One impacts the other,
they both impact each other.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
These parts were trained to do a certain job, right,
So your resentful part, as the scorekeeper, right, was trained
to be able to justify you meeting your needs in
an unhealthy way. This part doesn't want you to drown
and regret, so it keeps score and keeps the focus outward.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Right.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
This part gives you control when you feel blamed or
stuck resentment right. This this part keeps you guided so
you don't have to face the deeper wounds. Remember, the
bigger the reaction, the deeper the wound, bigger, the anger, smaller,
the inner child, bigger the resentment, the more banged up
(30:59):
and battered. Resentment was trained, addict was trained. Liar was
trained not good enough was trained, sabotage was trained, the
internal critic was trained, and resentment was trained.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
And not only was resentment trained, this part actually helped you,
just like all of your parts help you.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
That helped me be completely gone haywire in causing an
absolute disaster. But please make no mistake that these parts
are trying to meet needs and are trying to help.
So let's take a look at the resentful part, right,
how has it helped you? It helped you stand up
for yourself when you felt attacked, right, It kept you
(31:44):
from feeling completely crushed under your mistakes. It gave you
a sense of identity when you felt lost in guilt.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
It taught you.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
It was a beacon for when there was unfairness, the
boundary was being crossed, or a boundary was being violated,
whether it's we're not talking about reasonability of the boundary,
we're talking about the reality that.
Speaker 1 (32:12):
This resentful part.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Is a byproduct of your inability to meet your needs proactively.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
And this part was trained.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
This part keeps us from getting stuck in self loathing.
This part has a passion for fairness. It fights or flights,
or freezes or fawns in people pleases for what feels fair,
even if it does so in.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
A damaging way. This part is emotional awareness. We got
to use it in a positive way going forward. It
signals that something is off.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
It signals that maybe a boundary has been crossed, or
maybe I need to assert myself here, or maybe I.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Need to communicate this in a different way.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
See, because if you're not able to get rid of
the part, then you have to learn how to use it.
And that's what's so often is that the part's work
not only gives you the family of origin and awareness
around the thoughts, the feelings and the body all that awareness,
it also gives you action and it gives you a
(33:22):
framework for leading this part.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
And that's the ultimate goal.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
You have to change your relationship with this part. So
because behind resentment, right, So, the guy and you know
you do this right, spits out all the ugly that's
in his heart and in his mind, all the things
he wished you would say if you wouldn't get in trouble,
(33:47):
all the things he would say if he had one
of those men in black buttons when rewinded for the
past five minutes, right, And that's what I want you
thinking about and I want to encourage you to inform
aim that part two responsible levels.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Right, if you're gonna blow a gasket, stop, don't be foolish.
But if it feels right for you, step into character,
just like you're in a play. You are your resentful part.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
You are the scorekeeper. You are the adjudicator of fairness.
You are the part that make sure you get what
you need to have a little bit of fun, to relax,
to escape, to get a reward, to get even. And
(34:42):
think about the questions that I asked you. Think about how.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
Was resentment.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
Trained, what triggers resentment, What are the thoughts that resentment has,
How does resentment.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
Feel in my body? And what job is resentment doing?
Speaker 2 (35:04):
And here's a question that one of my favorite internal
family systems question is what does resentment you're talking to
the part now, Hey, resentment, what do you fear would
happen if you stop doing this job? Oh my god, Craig,
You'd get taken advantage of, people would walk all over you,
You'd have no more fun. Your resentful part is doing
(35:27):
a job and has fears that if it stops doing
its job, bad things are going to happen. Bad things,
bad things, are going to happen, and understanding that will
absolutely change your life, and not just understanding it, but
(35:52):
having a framework to do something about it.
Speaker 1 (35:55):
You can lead these parts going forward.
Speaker 2 (35:59):
You can transform the role of these parts so this
part becomes like radar and early warning alert system. Wait
a minute, I think I need to communicate something right now,
or I feel as if I'm not being treated fairly,
let me reflect on that. Let me not jump immediately
(36:22):
to I'm being controlled, Mommy's telling you what to do. Right.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
This is the opposite of that. Right. This isn't surrendering
and laying down and getting walked all over.
Speaker 2 (36:34):
No, this is emotionally intelligent responses that'll make your life better.
And if that's your path, bringing you closer to your partner,
because you change your relationship with the stories, with the justification.
If you got a need that needs to be addressed,
you've got to man out and address it, because I'm
(36:57):
telling you here's a very very simple formula.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
Needs get met.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Reactively how you were trained to meet them mindlessly habitually or.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
They get met proactively.
Speaker 2 (37:12):
So you need to learn how to manage and lead
these parts going forward. If you want more information, I'm
gonna share in the comments section. I'm a worksheet that
you can print out. You could fill it out yourself.
You can take it to your therapist.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
And if this worksheet inspires you to say, Okay, they're
doing something special over there. I'm a leader, and I
know you're going to manage these parts, and I know
there needs to be accountability, and I know I need
to focus on the things that are gonna bring me
on the make a habit side, then reach out mindfulhabit
heelp dot com.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
Check out the worksheet. I hope you enjoy it. Give
me some feedback in the comments. Thank you, thank you,
thank you so much for listening. It feels so good
to be back. We just get back from our second
annual in person Men's Retreat in San Diego, California, in Oceanside,
and it was awesome for you guys listening man, Thanks
for an amazing experience, and thanks for trusting me to
(38:11):
lead you on what was an epic, epic journey.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Thanks for the love and support. Everybody, get the help
you need. Life is too short to suck, so make
sure you're feeding the right wolf and embracing your power
of choice. Craig paraffrom, sex afflictions and porn addictions. Signing
off make it great. Bye, everybody,
Resentment will destroy you.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
It's fueling your addiction and stunting your recovery. And we're
going to get deep into resentment today. Welcome everybody. My
name is Craig Perra. I am the founder of the
Mindful Habit System, and for the past thirteen years, my
wife and I and our amazing team has been leading
(00:25):
men to healthy sexuality and great lives. You're listening to
Sex Inflictions and Porn Addictions, a podcast to help you
create and sustain healthy sexuality and a great life. Those
two things are inexorably intertwined.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
They cannot be separated.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
And to create and sustain I'll say it one more
time because I want you to focus on what you
should be focusing on.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Too much.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Break habit out there, not enough, make a habit. Okay,
we're going to do both today. We're going to talk
about the resentful part. I'm going to put it in perspective.
If you've never heard of Part's work before, I'll explain
to you what.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
I mean by that.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
But before I even get to before I even you
know what, I have a part of me that resents control,
that resents being told what to do, that resents.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Authority that at my lowest.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Points resented my wife, my family, my job, my boss,
my wife, and I knew nothing about it. You probably
don't either, So take notes and buckle up, because we
are going to dive deep into the part of you
(01:58):
that feels resentment and we're going to talk about that.
So what you are probably familiar with is your perceived
power dynamic in your relationship. Okay, I want you to
think of a power dynamic. Okay, And I want you
(02:19):
to think about the power dynamic in your relationship before
D day. Discovery Day, did you feel like you were
seen in the relationship. Do you feel like you were
able to communicate those needs in a healthy, constructive way
to your partner? No, right, you feel now listen, this
(02:45):
is all a projection, So partner's listening. This is a projection.
These are the stories we're telling ourselves. But tell me
if this is you, let me know in the comments section.
You feel like you're the one down in the relationship
right now. Now, this power dynamic where you're the one
(03:05):
down has been magnified since Discovery Day.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
You're even more in trouble. You feel even more helpless,
like she holds all the power.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Right, We've all heard the expression happy wife, happy life.
My wife Michelle hates that expression. Hates that expression for
so many different reasons. And I hate it too, because
I learned the valuable lesson that if you don't meet
your needs proactively, mindfully, intentionally, that means you know what
(03:36):
they are, they get met reactively, automatically, habitually as a trained,
conditioned response. Okay, so if you don't know what your
needs are, you are unable to communicate them.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
But what do you do know? Right?
Speaker 2 (03:57):
I want everyone here to think about the the part
of themselves that rationalizes their behavior. Right, what does that
part say? Nothing I do is ever good enough? Why bother?
Speaker 1 (04:12):
How about this? She doesn't do that thing that I
want her to do?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Or she yells, she screams, she nags. Think of and
I want you to think about that. Right, if you're
sitting and you're in a quiet place, I want you
to imagine yourself at your most resentful in who is
present in this scene that you're creating in your mind. Right,
(04:40):
you can close your eyes and you can imagine yourself
at your worst moment of conflict, where you're sick and
tired of being sick and tired all of your recovery
work doesn't matter. Nothing you do is ever good enough.
(05:01):
Why bother? Right, this is the part that says fuck it,
fuck it. Well, we call them fuck it guy, but
they're like cousins with resentment. Fuck it guy says, why
bother I? Nothing I do matters. It's always gonna be
like this. It's never gonna get better. I'm not being
(05:23):
treated fairly. There is a double standard. She gets to
say all this and I can't say any of that.
That is the justification for the acting out behavior. Right,
there's there's a you know, these aren't some random acts
just you know, like falling out of your pocket, like
(05:45):
you lose change. Right, you have justified these behaviors to yourself.
And that's why parts Work is so important. So if
you know nothing about parts Work, I'm talking Pixar's movie
Inside Out, which is based on the science that recognizes
(06:06):
the neuroscience that says we have different parts of us
that react differently in response to different situations. It's you
don't even need the neuroscience to say, listening to this podcast, yeah,
you know what, there is a part of me that
wants to do all these bad things. And then there's
another part it's like you crazy, You're gonna lose everything
(06:27):
that's dear to you. You're gonna lose everything. But there's
this other part that you can't control. So I'm represented
in cartoons as the angel on one side, the devil
on the other side. We have these different parts that
awaken in response to external stimuli, and some of the
(06:48):
parts that we deal with all the time at the
mindful habit is the attic part, the liar part, the
shame not good enough part.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
And let me know in the chat what other parts
you can think of? Right?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
What are the different parts of you that you need
to pay attention to? What are the parts that is mandatory.
It's mandatory for everybody, but especially for the men in relationships.
Is we've got to do a deep dive into that
resentful part. Right, This part left uncontrolled is justifying your behavior.
(07:33):
This part has the rationale in all the reasons why
you should do your acting out behavior.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Okay, and here's the good news. Right. One of the
good news is there's something you can do about it.
There's a framework that addresses that reality, and not only
address that reality, gives you a.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Model to deal with it going forward. And that model
starts at the center called self leadership.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
Right, we have to lead these different parts because of
any of you brothers who's been in recovery for a
long time. Though, these parts don't go away. No amount
of therapy, counseling, meetings, mindfulness, prayer eliminates your reality that
you are going to feel resentful at some point in
(08:24):
your life.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
It's part of the human condition. The resentment part wants Okay,
let's go through it, right, let's go through it. I
want you to imagine that moment when you were most
resentful towards your partner, and I want you to put
(08:48):
aside all the terrible things that you did. There were many,
and maybe you're still doing so. I'm glad you're listening. Right,
We're not focusing on that now. We're putting that aside
so you can connect with the justifier, the grudge holder,
(09:11):
the keeper of wrongs, the why you deserve it part.
We'll call that part resentment. And if you're in a
safe place to do it, close your eyes and just
pretend that part was a character in a movie.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
What does he look like, what does he look like?
What does he feel like?
Speaker 2 (09:37):
If this part was a character and you had to
make your own Pixar movie inside out. For what's going
on inside your head? What would this part look like?
I want you to think about that, and let's carry
(09:58):
that visual as a as we make our way through
a framework to.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Better understand this part.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Give you a perspective of how it's impacting you, where
it comes from, what it needs, why it does what
it's dubbed, why it does what it does, the job
that it's doing, and what to do about it. Okay,
now I have to say this stuff comes in layers.
If you want to really, really really lead your parts
(10:31):
and break the cycle that's keeping you stucked despite all
the considerable effort that you've spent on yourself, and take
a systemic approach. And part of that system is learning
how to lead these parts going forward. And to lead them,
you have to understand them. Well, then visit mindfulhabit heelp
(10:52):
dot com. Call the number, schedule an appointment in the comments. Right, Hey,
I'm interested. But the best thing to do is go
to mindfulhabithelp dot com and study the different programs. But
if you're not in a place to do that, and well,
let's keep going, right, So here's what I want you
(11:14):
to think about. Let's get practical, Okay, If you have
a resentful part and you've got a sense of what
it looks like if it was a character in a movie,
Like if you were doing one of those filters on
the phone where you press the button and then somebody
pops up. You know, you look like yourself in a
(11:36):
monetue painting, one of those kinds of filters. Right, you've
got your filter for your resentful part. When does this
part show up? And I want to give you some examples, Right,
when is this part triggered?
Speaker 1 (11:50):
What triggers this part?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
One of my favorite expressions is your triggers awaken your parts.
And one of the reason why I love that expression
because it's clear and makes this part's work really practical.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Your triggers awaken your part? When do you feel resentful?
Speaker 2 (12:12):
When does this part hijack your central nervous system? Is
it when your wife brings up your past betrayals and
there's a part of.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
You saying she's never gonna let it go?
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Does this part show up when you feel like, no
matter what you do, you're still the villain, You're still
the bad guy. Nothing I do is that nothing I
do is good enough. We're not talking reality here, guys,
we're talking projection. And for any partners listening, I'm gonna
speak really, really bluntly, so I can get in your
(12:48):
partner's head to encourage him to tap into that narrative.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
You feel the resentment? What's there?
Speaker 2 (12:56):
You feel when his energy shifts? Right, you know when
he gets defensive? Okay, and well, to do something about it,
you have to understand it. So this my one talk
is to help you understand it.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
Right.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
This part awakens when you don't get the credit for
the work that you've been doing. All right, maybe when
you hear stories of other guys who are doing well.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
When you feel trapped in guilt and anger, I'll never
be free from this right resentment.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
What about if you perceive that your wife there's double
standards where she's allowed to talk about certain emotional things,
you're not allowed to talk about other things.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Your needs don't have validity because of your sins, because
of what you've done. You've lost credibility, you've lost authority.
You feel like your needs don't matter. And so think about.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
The exact moments when you're resentful part awakens. You got
to know when that's happening. Okay, So what triggers the
resentful part? And if you're doing this right, you've got
a journal next to you. Thousands of studies have documented
the mental and physical health benefits of journaling absolutely overwhelming.
(14:17):
This is too complicated a problem to solve. Without writing
these things down, you cannot do it.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
I am sorry. Maybe if you've got a photographic memory.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Even then, there's independent value for the act of committing
things to paper. There's value in handwriting, there's value in typing.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Do what worked for you. But you have to take notes.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Okay, let that be a secondary lesson in this video.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
You have to take notes.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
So to understand this part, you want to know what
triggers this part into existence.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Okay, make a list. Make a list now as you
close your eyes and get into character, and remember that
moment when you were most activated, disregulated, triggered, pissed off, upset, resentful.
She's not treating me fairly? Right? What does this part
say to you? What does this part say to you?
(15:18):
What are the thoughts that you have.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
I'll tell you one of the thoughts that I used
to have is, look, fucking crisis won't stop.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
I can't take it anymore. I am so sick of it.
Here's what I'm doing, Here's what I'm looking at, Here's
where I'm going. I had this.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
Now I understand a ridiculous reaction, but there was a reaction.
What's your reaction? What does this part say to you?
She'll never forgive you, So why bother.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
About this? I've already paid my price? Why are you still?
How long am I going to be in the punishment phase?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
How about this? Why do you get to say? However
you feel? And as soon as I bring it up,
I'm being defensive. Right, Nobody knows how goddamn hard we're trying,
and nobody cares.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Nobody cares. This isn't fair. This isn't fair. She's never
made mistakes, she's never hurt you, she never did anything wrong.
Everything's my fault.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
Think about that, really, sit and take a breath and
get into character. Right right down the curse words, right
down the phrases that you know that repeat.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Themselves over and over and again. And the reason why
you have to do this is because eventually that resentment builds, build, build, build.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
And resentment like one of those things in football when
they run behind it.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
The quarterback hands it off the fucking guy.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
And fuck you, guy says, why bother? What is the
point of even trying?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
I deserve it.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
I deserve it because I'm not getting something over here.
I am resentful because I'm not getting my needs met
over here. This part has very specific triggers and has
very specific thoughts and what we're doing. There's a lot
(17:42):
of things that we're doing. But one of the things
that we're doing, and I want you to ask yourself,
are you doing this.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
In your therapy and your counseling in your program.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
Are you learning to use your awareness of the trigger
and the thought to do something else? Because you're not
gonna get rid of the trigger. You're not gonna get
rid of the thought, right, there's no future reality where
you don't like, get a resentment trigger.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
It just isn't going to happen. That's not the human condition.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Maybe if you move to the monastery and dedicate your
life fourteen hours a day for twenty years, maybe right
you will experience that perfect peace and tranquility.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I know I'll experience it when I'm dead. We've got to.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Learn to manage these parts. So this part gets triggered.
This part has thoughts.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
This part has a physical sensation in the body in
this part causes us to do things that make things
significantly worse.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
What does this part cause us to do? To shut
down emotionally when your wife expresses her pain, Here we
go again.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
I thought we were moving forward. We didn't talk about
my thing.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
You shut down this part because you have this perceived
power imbalance where you're the one down right, gets defensive
argues instead of listening. You can have lots of points
that you need to make, but you got to make
them now.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
No, you can't control it. You feel resentful.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Us men thrive on significance, and when that outside, when
people looking at the outside. So many of my clients
are really successful, and there's that massive contrast to how
people are seeing them on the inside and how powerless
and weak and pathetic that they feel in their relationships.
And then they've made this stinking mess and it's even worse.
(19:55):
We get defensive, we get angry, We shut down emotionally.
Compare the scorekeeper the resentful part, keep score?
Speaker 1 (20:04):
What about this? What about this? What about that? You
did this? You did that?
Speaker 2 (20:07):
Whenever Michelle would blow a gasket and I would date
her to blow a gasket because I was so manipulative. Right,
push button, push button, push button, she'd blow a gasket
and scream like a crazy person. I'm like, ahh, you're
the crazy one. You're the crazy one that's gaslighting, manipulative
(20:29):
and abusive.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
I just want to be clear telling you how I
think about my behavior today and looking back, right, that's
what I think.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
I think it's important for me to call it what
it is, and you know.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
I want to talk about it. So I got you right.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
And because I had no understanding of what my needs
really were and had absolutely no conditioning on training and
communicating those needs and getting those needs met in an
emotionally mature way, I didn't even understand these words existed.
I would get resentful and act out, and I justified
(21:19):
my acting out by that resentment.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
The resentment is fuel for acting out. What does the
resentful part make you do?
Speaker 2 (21:28):
Act out, avoid difficult conversations, hold on to anger, right
resentments to grudge keeper The resentful part keeps score. But
here's the thing that is massively important to understand. Virtually
(21:51):
all behavior is need seeking behavior.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
We are need seeking organisms.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Everything we do is a train condition response to meet
needs in some way, shape or form.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
And if needs don't get met proactively, they get met
reactively if you don't learn how to know what your
needs are and communicate them in a way that they'll
be received and honored and respected.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
And you've got two people who use this crisis to
join arm in arm and bat down the hatches and
do the work that's necessary to make the relationship better,
because that's the only outcome where I've seen joy and happiness.
As the relationship has to be better. Doesn't mean that
there aren't challenges, doesn't mean that there's intimacy hurdles to climb.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
This is essentially im part and intimacy disorder.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
And so you got to manage the resentful part, right,
But let's think about it right, So all behaviors need
seeking behavior. To break a habit, you have to make
the right habit that meets the right needs. What is
this part trying to accomplish?
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Right? Why does this resentful part skeep core, keep score.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Well, it wants you to be treated fairly, It wants
you to have a say. It wants you to have fun,
to experience joy, to escape, to relax, to get away,
to do nothing and as you dig into this part,
(23:34):
you must understand exactly what this part is trying to accomplish.
You have to understand the needs that this part is meeting.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
So you can meet those needs proactively. Right.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
And that's the incredible value of the parts work. It
not only gives you a container. Not only does it
give you a container to put all the family of
origin stuff, the childhood stuff that you've been talking about,
maybe in some cases ad nauseum in therapy like this
puts the family of origin. The conditioning, the training one
(24:13):
of my favorite words, I love the word training. Right,
all of your behaviors that you're trying to break or
train condition responses, you actually lack capacity. You can't do it.
How do we build capacity? We build capacity by using
your awareness of the reaction to drive positive react to
(24:37):
drive positive action, using your awareness of the reaction to
drive positive action. Why is that necessary? Because you're not
going to get rid of the reaction. You're going to
get triggered and there's a you're gonna have thoughts, You're
going to feel that way in your body, You're going
to feel like you're not being treated fairly. Nobody can
push our buttons like our partner, and our children and
(25:00):
our parents and our boss. Whenever there's a power dynamic authority.
How about some of you guys on authority and guys,
here's another perspective that I think it's important to have.
In thirteen years helping guys, almost every guy is projecting
authority onto his wife.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
She's the boss. She's the boss. You do not feel
like an equal.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
You may be the boss out in public professionally, but
at home you feel that power dynamic that we talked
about earlier.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
Now, how was that part trained?
Speaker 2 (25:43):
This is the family of origin, root cause, childhood container.
We put it in the container of the part to
know how did I get so bad at solving problems
for myself?
Speaker 1 (25:56):
How did I get so bad at stuffing these behaviors
down in using it to justify actions that is hearing
me apart and destroying the lives of people. I love
my wife because this part was trained.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
So I want to give you some questions to think
about so you can ask yourself and something that you
can work on with your therapist or like I said,
you want to hit this deeply, quickly and practically mindfulhabit
heelp dot com so a couple questions for you to
think about.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Right, growing up, how did your family handle conflict? Did
your parents hold grudges or did they forgive easily? Now?
Remember train condition response. These are patterns.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
You are repeating patterns And for any of you guys
reluctant to go into the past, or you say to yourself,
you know what, I had a great childhood. Nothing to
see there, No, no, no, no, that is the wrong perspective.
You can have a great childhood and be trained in
(27:07):
conditioned to lie and keep sexual secrets.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
We'll do the.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
Liar another day. That's another fascinating part. How long you
been lying about using pleasure to escape this comfort?
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Oh? Like one of your oldest and most impactful habits.
You gotta be kidding me. Think how far back that goes? So?
Speaker 2 (27:28):
Did your parents hold grudges? Did they forgive easily? Were
you allowed to express anger but you have to stuff
it down? Were you're allowed to express emotion? Did you
see one parent resent the other? And did you see
resentment go unresolved? Were you taught that admitting mistakes meant
(27:55):
punishment instead of repair?
Speaker 1 (27:58):
What happened when you admitted a miss steak?
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Right? Did you learn that people never truly forgive? So
how was resentment modeled for you? Did you grow up
thinking that trust, once broken, could never be repaired. Did
you have to fight to be heard? Did you learn
to meet your needs in secret because meeting them outward
(28:24):
and openly would subject you to ridicule or shame or
anger or judgment, criticism. Were you taught to suppress your
feelings and that's like every guy right, stub it down, concealed, don't.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Feel and yes, I just quote quoted frozen. Did you
learn to use resentment as a chield so you wouldn't
have to face your own heart?
Speaker 2 (28:50):
How?
Speaker 1 (28:51):
In the overarching question that I want you to ask
is how did you? How was resentment trained?
Speaker 2 (29:00):
And that leads you down a deep, fascinating, wildly impactful
journey of understanding how you got to be this way?
Why is this your default behavior? Those thoughts that we
thought about in the beginning, when you get resentful and
(29:20):
you want to fly off the handle and say those
things and think those things and I'm magically appearing out of.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Thin air, they are trained, conditioned responses. What wires together
fires together, And this is one of the values of
understanding how this part was trained.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Your resentful part is all of you, is a combination
of your genetics in your environment.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
And we know now more than ever that line.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Between genetics environment is not nearly as clear as we
thought it once was. In fact, we know that the
environment that you're in trigger genes to turn on an
office called that butt and it sounds absolutely crazy, but
look it up.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
It's true.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
So that line between environment and genes is.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
Not the solid line. Right, they're blend. One impacts the other,
they both impact each other.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
These parts were trained to do a certain job, right,
So your resentful part, as the scorekeeper, right, was trained
to be able to justify you meeting your needs in
an unhealthy way. This part doesn't want you to drown
and regret, so it keeps score and keeps the focus outward.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Right.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
This part gives you control when you feel blamed or
stuck resentment right. This this part keeps you guided so
you don't have to face the deeper wounds. Remember, the
bigger the reaction, the deeper the wound, bigger, the anger, smaller,
the inner child, bigger the resentment, the more banged up
(30:59):
and battered. Resentment was trained, addict was trained. Liar was
trained not good enough was trained, sabotage was trained, the
internal critic was trained, and resentment was trained.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
And not only was resentment trained, this part actually helped you,
just like all of your parts help you.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
That helped me be completely gone haywire in causing an
absolute disaster. But please make no mistake that these parts
are trying to meet needs and are trying to help.
So let's take a look at the resentful part, right,
how has it helped you? It helped you stand up
for yourself when you felt attacked, right, It kept you
(31:44):
from feeling completely crushed under your mistakes. It gave you
a sense of identity when you felt lost in guilt.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
It taught you.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
It was a beacon for when there was unfairness, the
boundary was being crossed, or a boundary was being violated,
whether it's we're not talking about reasonability of the boundary,
we're talking about the reality that.
Speaker 1 (32:12):
This resentful part.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Is a byproduct of your inability to meet your needs proactively.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
And this part was trained.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
This part keeps us from getting stuck in self loathing.
This part has a passion for fairness. It fights or flights,
or freezes or fawns in people pleases for what feels fair,
even if it does so in.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
A damaging way. This part is emotional awareness. We got
to use it in a positive way going forward. It
signals that something is off.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
It signals that maybe a boundary has been crossed, or
maybe I need to assert myself here, or maybe I.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Need to communicate this in a different way.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
See, because if you're not able to get rid of
the part, then you have to learn how to use it.
And that's what's so often is that the part's work
not only gives you the family of origin and awareness
around the thoughts, the feelings and the body all that awareness,
it also gives you action and it gives you a
(33:22):
framework for leading this part.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
And that's the ultimate goal.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
You have to change your relationship with this part. So
because behind resentment, right, So, the guy and you know
you do this right, spits out all the ugly that's
in his heart and in his mind, all the things
he wished you would say if you wouldn't get in trouble,
(33:47):
all the things he would say if he had one
of those men in black buttons when rewinded for the
past five minutes, right, And that's what I want you
thinking about and I want to encourage you to inform
aim that part two responsible levels.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Right, if you're gonna blow a gasket, stop, don't be foolish.
But if it feels right for you, step into character,
just like you're in a play. You are your resentful part.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
You are the scorekeeper. You are the adjudicator of fairness.
You are the part that make sure you get what
you need to have a little bit of fun, to relax,
to escape, to get a reward, to get even. And
(34:42):
think about the questions that I asked you. Think about how.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
Was resentment.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
Trained, what triggers resentment, What are the thoughts that resentment has,
How does resentment.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
Feel in my body? And what job is resentment doing?
Speaker 2 (35:04):
And here's a question that one of my favorite internal
family systems question is what does resentment you're talking to
the part now, Hey, resentment, what do you fear would
happen if you stop doing this job? Oh my god, Craig,
You'd get taken advantage of, people would walk all over you,
You'd have no more fun. Your resentful part is doing
(35:27):
a job and has fears that if it stops doing
its job, bad things are going to happen. Bad things,
bad things, are going to happen, and understanding that will
absolutely change your life, and not just understanding it, but
(35:52):
having a framework to do something about it.
Speaker 1 (35:55):
You can lead these parts going forward.
Speaker 2 (35:59):
You can transform the role of these parts so this
part becomes like radar and early warning alert system. Wait
a minute, I think I need to communicate something right now,
or I feel as if I'm not being treated fairly,
let me reflect on that. Let me not jump immediately
(36:22):
to I'm being controlled, Mommy's telling you what to do. Right.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
This is the opposite of that. Right. This isn't surrendering
and laying down and getting walked all over.
Speaker 2 (36:34):
No, this is emotionally intelligent responses that'll make your life better.
And if that's your path, bringing you closer to your partner,
because you change your relationship with the stories, with the justification.
If you got a need that needs to be addressed,
you've got to man out and address it, because I'm
(36:57):
telling you here's a very very simple formula.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
Needs get met.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Reactively how you were trained to meet them mindlessly habitually or.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
They get met proactively.
Speaker 2 (37:12):
So you need to learn how to manage and lead
these parts going forward. If you want more information, I'm
gonna share in the comments section. I'm a worksheet that
you can print out. You could fill it out yourself.
You can take it to your therapist.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
And if this worksheet inspires you to say, Okay, they're
doing something special over there. I'm a leader, and I
know you're going to manage these parts, and I know
there needs to be accountability, and I know I need
to focus on the things that are gonna bring me
on the make a habit side, then reach out mindfulhabit
heelp dot com.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
Check out the worksheet. I hope you enjoy it. Give
me some feedback in the comments. Thank you, thank you,
thank you so much for listening. It feels so good
to be back. We just get back from our second
annual in person Men's Retreat in San Diego, California, in Oceanside,
and it was awesome for you guys listening man, Thanks
for an amazing experience, and thanks for trusting me to
(38:11):
lead you on what was an epic, epic journey.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Thanks for the love and support. Everybody, get the help
you need. Life is too short to suck, so make
sure you're feeding the right wolf and embracing your power
of choice. Craig paraffrom, sex afflictions and porn addictions. Signing
off make it great. Bye, everybody,
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.