December 20, 2024 • 25 mins
Navigating Depression and Anxiety During the Holidays | Mindful Habit Podcast
Join Craig Perra, founder of the Mindful Habit System, as he discusses the challenging emotions that arise during the holiday season, including depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. In this deeply personal episode, Craig shares his own struggles and recent losses and offers practical strategies to cope.
Learn how self-leadership, small achievable goals, and effective mental health practices can make a significant difference. Remember, you are not alone. Reach out and connect with others.
If You’re Struggling, Help Is Available
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, or in crisis, you’re not alone - I was there and I NEEDED HELP.
Please reach out for help—there are people who care and want to support you.
In the U.S.: Call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or visit 988lifeline.org. They’re available 24/7.
In Canada: Call Talk Suicide Canada at 1-833-456-4566 or text 45645.
In the U.K.: Call Samaritans at 116 123 or visit samaritans.org.
Worldwide: Visit befrienders.org to find a crisis helpline in your country.
You matter, and there is help waiting for you. Take that first step—you don’t have to face this alone.
visit www.mindfulhabithelp.com if you need more help
Join Craig Perra, founder of the Mindful Habit System, as he discusses the challenging emotions that arise during the holiday season, including depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. In this deeply personal episode, Craig shares his own struggles and recent losses and offers practical strategies to cope.
Learn how self-leadership, small achievable goals, and effective mental health practices can make a significant difference. Remember, you are not alone. Reach out and connect with others.
If You’re Struggling, Help Is Available
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, or in crisis, you’re not alone - I was there and I NEEDED HELP.
Please reach out for help—there are people who care and want to support you.
In the U.S.: Call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or visit 988lifeline.org. They’re available 24/7.
In Canada: Call Talk Suicide Canada at 1-833-456-4566 or text 45645.
In the U.K.: Call Samaritans at 116 123 or visit samaritans.org.
Worldwide: Visit befrienders.org to find a crisis helpline in your country.
You matter, and there is help waiting for you. Take that first step—you don’t have to face this alone.
visit www.mindfulhabithelp.com if you need more help
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The holidays are supposed to be joyful, but for many
they are some of the hardest days of the year.
I know this pain all too well. I've been in
that dark place, and just recently I lost someone close
to me to depression and anxiety, and I want to
talk about that today. My name is Craig Perra. I'm
(00:21):
the founder of the Mindful Habit System, and for the
past twelve years, I've been leading men to create and
sustain healthy sexuality and great lives. Today, we're going to
highlight the struggle of depression and anxiety during the holidays
and why it's so important to address mental health openly.
Just want to make an announcement. We're going to talk
(00:42):
about suicide and suicidal ideations. I prefer announcements over trigger warnings,
but take that as you wish. This is a deeply
personal episode to me, comes from my own journey, and
I want to honor this recent loss that I experienced,
So I want to talk a little bit about me,
(01:03):
and I want to talk about the sense of hopelessness
that I have felt and most recently have felt, despite
their being no reason why I should be hopeless being
down experiencing grief because of the loss of my friend,
but hopeless. No, So I want to bring you back
(01:26):
to my lowest point fourteen years ago, I'm fired from
my job, caught by my wife for acting out. At
that low point, I tried to hurt myself. I ingest
at a pace, a pile full of synthetic stimulants, hoping
my heart would explode. I was out of control with
(01:48):
my sexual behavior and I just wanted to end the pain.
And it was dark. It was one of my lowest points.
There have been a number of low points, because the
other thing that I've come to learn about myself is
(02:10):
that the holidays were a time to act out. For me,
the holidays, the added stress, anxiety, year in Bologney, all
of it drove me insane. And so what would I
do to escape from that insanity. I would act out
(02:30):
in the holidays because of the increased celebration, disruption of
my schedule, not taking care of myself, and because it
was Christmas. I deserve the reward, I deserve the treat.
So I'd often act out, sink into a low place,
feel hopeless, have to numb, cope and escape from those feelings.
(02:53):
And we got to interrupt those patterns, and I want
to give you some specific guidance today on how to
address that. I also want to add a personal experience
recently that prompted this episode. A week maybe before Thanksgiving,
a name and a face of someone who I haven't
been in contact for a while popped up on my
(03:15):
Facebook page and I said, I've going to reach out
to this person. I did not reach out to this person,
and now they're gone. I got a message from his
wife I don't know days later, a week later that
he took his life. I felt guilty, I felt sadness, helplessness,
(03:42):
and that helplessness led to hopelessness. And we're going to
talk a little bit about that. These experiences, as painful
as they are, have taught me that there is always
more that we can do to love, support, and lead
ourselves in those around us. And that is absolutely critical
(04:07):
during the holidays. I'm sorry to break it to some
of you, brothers, but you got underlying mental health issues.
The bigger, the greater the addiction, the greater the underlying
mental health issues. I have not seen an exception to
that rule in twelve years helping people. You add to that,
(04:27):
you add to that to holidays and let's talk a
little bit about the holidays. Ninety percent of Americans report
feeling stressed during the holidays. Surprise, surprise. Sixty four percent
of individuals with mental illness experience a worsening of symptoms
during the holidays. Seventy one percent of adults report increased
anxiety during the holiday season. Half of Americans feel lonely
(04:51):
during the holiday season. The National Institute on Drug Abuse
reports that alcohol and drug use increases during the holidays,
especially among individuals with pre existing mental health conditions. Alone,
and listen, you do not have to be diagnosed to
have pre exist to have mental health conditions. They exist
(05:13):
a spectrum suicide. While suicide rates are generally lowered during
the holidays, they increased among certain demographics, such as older
adults individuals with mental health disorders. Almost half of Americans
experience sleep problems during the holidays, and a half of
(05:34):
Americans worry about their finances during the holiday seasons. And
this notion of this perfect holiday, this narrative of how
it's supposed to be perfect and how it's supposed to
be joyful, can amplify feelings of failure, of loneliness, of hopelessness, hopelessness,
(05:57):
and that brings some of us to a dark place
when you talk about are when you look at it
from a parts work perspective, and those of you who
have been listening to my podcast have heard me talk
about this concept of parts work, which is not only
(06:20):
an incredibly practically obvious model to create great results, self
leadership and positive outcomes, it is supported by neuroscience. It's
the foundation for the Pixar movie Inside Out. The concept
is featured in the book No Bad Parts by doctor
(06:40):
Richard Schwartz, which I highly recommend. It'll change your perspective
on psychology because what you learn in that book is
that all behavior is need seeking behavior. My addic part
that used to go crazy during the holidays needs seeking behavior.
(07:01):
Even the part that made me feel hopeless, and I'll
talk about more in this in detail in another podcast,
but even the part that depressed, the part that's hopeless,
the part that's anxious that's right from the Pixar Moving anxiety,
the part that's fearful, all of these parts are trying
(07:23):
to meet needs in what is critical. You must learn
this skill set. You must learn this skill set to
listen to them instead of fighting them, because fighting them
is not leadership. The goal that you're going for is
self leadership leading these parts to healthy outcomes. Because guess what,
(07:43):
because some of you brothers listening to me right now,
I've been in this game a long time in recovery,
but you're still struggling. You're still struggling because you thought
the triggers would go away. They don't. You thought that
you wouldn't have these reactions anymore. You will, And we're
going to talk about that. Before we get into that,
(08:04):
I want to give you some tools and strategies. So
here are some things that you can do during the
holidays to make it better. And here's the thing about
making it better. When you got mental health problems and
you got these parts that feel hopeless, that feel lonely,
that feel depressed, that are anxious, it is critical not
(08:26):
to suppress them because that what you resist persist. The
pain doesn't get worse, doesn't get better, it gets worse.
And you can experience the joy of connecting with people,
the joy of receiving gifts, of giving gifts. Although that
childhood wounds there that drives me crazy, it can coexist. Right.
(08:49):
You can have pain and discomfort and experienced joy. It's
not one or the other. We're trained to think binary.
There's an evolutionary component to this or that, yes or no,
fight or flight, but that's not reality. Allow both to coexist.
(09:10):
And here's something specifically you can do to beat, not beat,
to lead the depressed, anxious, not good enough addict parts
of you. One break the habit of isolation. Take one
small action to connect. This is perfect timing. It's the
(09:32):
holiday season. Call friends, text somebody, join the support group. Right,
These small incremental actions are critical. Small attainable goals are
critical to create identity change in their easier. They're not
easy because we're not natural connectors, are we? It's not
(09:56):
natural for us to reach out. Our partners may be
going to this event or going to that. We might
go to the work thing. But are you connecting with friends? Right? Critical?
Absolutely critical during the holidays. The second concept that I
want to share with you is reinforce what I just
said about self leadership. Right. Our parts don't go away,
(10:17):
our triggers don't go away. You are going to struggle.
That's life. Self leadership is leading, not pushing away the pain.
It's holding space for these parts. Getting curious about those
reactions and treating those wounds proactively. Right. The third thing
(10:43):
that you can do. We're coming up on the new year.
What can you do to operationalize your purpose? Okay, I'm
going to do a whole other podcast on operationalizing purpose.
Quick footnote, You'll see a lot out there about chasing
your purpose, living your purpose. Purpose is important. People who
have purpose live better lives and live longer. Okay, I
(11:05):
know what my purpose is. What do I do about?
But operationalizing purpose means weaving your purpose into the fabric
of your reality. And you could do that very simply
by gratitude journaling once a day for sixty seconds. Right down,
three things that you're grateful for. You can operationalize your
(11:27):
purpose by helping someone else. I'm a member of our
local South Plaza Rotary Club. I love helping people. It's
what I do. It feeds me. I love supporting my
local community. You can post a quote that you see
within your field division that inspires you. You can build
(11:48):
a shrine in your bedroom that reminds you every day
about some of the difficult experiences that you might have
had as a child. You can have a statue of
a flying which is what I have over there. You
can't see it. But someone early on, someone who was
very successful owned and sold two companies, told me that
(12:11):
the chance of me launching a life coaching business was
as good as a pig flying. So there's my pig
over there, and that reminds me of the struggle and
the challenges. And I did it twelve years. Were coming
up on thirteen years in January, Brothers, thirteen years. There's
the wolf over there too. You can't see that either.
My purpose is reflected within my field division. The other
(12:35):
thing that you can do is simple acts of self care.
You're not going to be perfect, there's no way you're
going to be perfect during the holidaday season. But what
is one small trivial thing you can do to take
better care of yourself before you go to bed. You
could do a few burpies. You can do a few
(12:55):
jumpin Jackson for you guys out there who were crushing
already wonderful, think about what maybe you can do around mindfulness.
Maybe you meditate for sixty seconds three times a day.
You sit there, sit in the discomfort, and you count
your breaths. Learning to sit in this discomfort is one
of the most important things that you can do for yourself.
(13:20):
And if you notice the examples that I gave you
were pretty small. You don't need to do big things.
That's the thing, right, nothing I do is good enough.
I'm always gonna be a failure. It's so stupid for
me to do this small thing. I have had three
clients lose one hundred pounds starting with walking out to
the driveway and walking back. And the reason why that
(13:43):
was so effective because in that ridiculously attainable goal, of
course I can do that. I walk to the car
every day. They don't know where their running shoes is,
haven't put on a pair of shorts in a while.
But that's attainable, right, But there was still hard. They
still weren't able to do it every day because there's blocks.
And so when you set those small goals, that magnifies
(14:04):
those blocks and gives you an opportunity to address them
versus complete failure. I'm going to run a mile a day. Great,
if that's you do it, But you have to ask
yourself is it attainable? If you're not doing it, it's
not attainable. This is a capacity issue. Brother, All of
this is a capacity issue. If you would do it.
(14:25):
You could, you can't. And these are some simple ways
for you to create capacity. Here's something that I want
to say that I realized recently, and it's very, very
important that you hear this message. I think this is
really the most important thing that I want to share
(14:46):
during this podcast. I please, please, please take this to heart.
All the work that you're doing on yourself does not
immunize you from well, let me ask you, right, So
let's say you're in recovery, you're working hard on yourself,
You're going to your therapist. Maybe you got years and
(15:07):
years of sobriety, years and years of success. Does that
work that you did on your brain and on your
heart immunize you from future physical injuries? Course not. That's
a preposterous assertion. Of course it does not. Does it
immunize you from future mental health issues? It does not.
(15:29):
This work that you're doing does not immunize you from
future mental health issues. It gives you tools to manage
them better. That's what this is about, learning to manage
them better. And yes, over time they get less frequent. Yes,
over time they get less severe. But I promise you
(15:50):
you are going to experience a life event like losing
a friend, financial challenges, work challenges, relationship challenges that you
haven't yet experience, and is going to punch you in
the face, and you're gonna feel like you haven't done
a stitch of work on yourself. You are going to
(16:10):
feel that way. I like to teach that you will
feel hopeless. You will be stressed, you will be anxious,
you will be depressed, and you will get triggered like
you never have in your life. Like you're gonna be
your worst triggers ahead of you, not behind you. It's
ahead of you. I don't care how much work you've
done on yourself. I learn about his passing, I immediately
(16:37):
pull the emergency brake. I tell Michelle, tell Tony, call
my cousin Chris, call my friend Andy, immediately reach out.
I was, in fact, very very proud how just quickly
I was able to reach out to people and share
with them that I was really struggling. It was a
powerful place for me, and I felt really pleased that
(17:00):
I had those people that I could be safe with,
that I could share that I could be vulnerable with.
It really really was transformative, and I am very grateful
to them. The other thing that I did. And here's
a developmental milestone for all of you. And this is
critical because that what you resist persists. There's essentially two
(17:21):
components to any mental problem that you're having. Component one
is being able to sit in the discomfort, being able
to be present with the discomfort, versus having to do
something about it. I gotta do my trigger response plan,
I gotta call somebody, I could do all these things.
All those things are great, and those are the things
what happens in the beginning. Those are the things that happen.
(17:45):
That's level one. Level two is being able to sit
in that discomfort as the observer and be mindful, be
in the present moment on purpose without And there was
a time not that long ago, past week maybe two,
(18:08):
where I was really down. Like I said, there's no
reason to be hopeless. I'm the healthiest, happiest, more connected
with Michelle, wonderful things happening in the community, no reason
for it except I experienced this lass and I remember
making conscious effort to sit in that discomfort as the observer,
(18:31):
and in that low point, I learned something very very powerful. First,
as I connected with the thoughts that I was having.
Oh and some of the thoughts were sexual triggers. And
one of the thoughts that I had, I had a
new trigger. Brothers, here's the new trigger alert. I hadn't
had this one before, at least I can't remember having
(18:53):
this one before. If anyone heard me talk about it
in the previous podcast, let me know. But I'm telling
this that tell you you're gonna get triggered. And here's
what my trigger was, Craig. And here's what Addix said
to me, Craig, we can get away with it. They'll
forgive you, your clients, your listeners, your family, They'll forgive you.
(19:14):
Look at what you're going through. Man, new trigger, new trigger.
So when I had that trigger, I made the choice
to sit in the discomfort and as I paid attention
to the thoughts, the hopelessness with the sexual triggers, to
escape from the hopelessness. And I not just was the
observer of my thoughts. I connected in that moment deeply
(19:38):
into my body. It really really felt like an emotional Catharsis.
If you've been in therapy and had one of those
pow moments, the firework moments, That's what it felt like.
And I said to myself, oh my god, this is
exactly when I would have acted out. This is it,
This is the holiday bender that I would go on,
This would have precipitated it. This is exactly what I
(20:01):
felt like, Oh my gosh. The second thing that happened
was I was flooded with a wave of empathy and
compassion for myself, reflecting on some of the challenges that
I've had as a child, as an addict, I as
(20:26):
a where I was of that discomfort. Because I was
so aware of that discomfort, I was saying to myself,
oh my god, you poor bastard, this feels very uncomfortable.
This is very dysregular. I am so so so sorry
that when you experience loss or pain or discomfort, you
(20:47):
have these thoughts and you feel this way, and that
connection has followed me. It feels like the past seven days.
It's like seven to ten days. I forget exactly. I
get fuzzy on those dates. Six concussions, but it's carried
with me. I've been able to use that presence around
(21:10):
the discomforts and fear, and none of the presence I
get are going to be good enough. I've got fifty
things to do, I've only done three of them. That overwhelm,
that need to escape, that build, that build, the resentment,
the lack of control, the interruptions, the fund the festivities.
I've been able to be present with that discomfort in
(21:32):
a way that I hadn't been able to before, and
it has been very, very powerful. So that is a
challenge for all of you. Obviously, if you're at level one,
you notice the trigger, you react, right, You do what
you gotta do. You gotta do what you gotta do
to interrupt it. As you grow and as you're able
(21:52):
to create some space, I invite you to do absolutely nothing.
And doing absolutely nothing is going to be one of
the hardest things that you've ever done, and it will
also be one of the most rewardings because that means
you're able to sit in it out reacting, strengthening that core,
(22:14):
reinforcing the identity of someone who is in control, someone
who has compassion for themselves, someone who loves themselves. Okay,
now all that aside. If you are struggling, get help, therapist,
(22:35):
counselor support group, online, friend mindful habit get help. We
got a program that's ninety nine dollars a month. You
can find it on the website. Weekly webinar all the training,
So money should not be an option. Seven day free trial,
(22:58):
thirty day money back guarantee. Right, there's better help. There's
lots of places for you to get support, get help.
You can't do it alone. There are too many blind spots.
There are too many blind spots. If you're struggling, you
are not alone, and there is a path forward these
(23:20):
low points. The great thing about these low points is
that they are opportunities. Right. We know failures an opportunity professionally, well,
guess what same rules apply personally. Small changes, those little
things I mentioned before, can lead to profound transformation. And
it is these small changes executed over extended periods of
(23:42):
time that lead to identity change. Who you are? Who
you are and if you are really struggling in the
chat in the description, I'm going to have some mental
health resources that I invite you to reach out to.
I beg you to reach out to if necessary. The
holidays do not have to break you. They can be
(24:05):
a time to rebuild and find strength that you did
not know you had. In order to create a different outcome,
you must do something different. Right. Depression, anxiety, bad habits
opportunities to grow when approached with love and intention. And
I want to conclude first, I want to wish you
(24:28):
all a merry Christmas for my Jewish brothers and sisters,
Happy Hanukkah. I want to leave you with this quote,
one of my favorite quotes from a poem. It's called
when is a monster not a monster? Oh when you
love it? When is a monster not a monster? Oh
when you love it? Thank you so much for listening.
(24:50):
Thank you so much for your time. It is a
great privilege to serve. I live a blessed life. Michelle
and I are so honored to support people at their
low points and support their long term success. We're so
excited for our retreat coming up in March, and we've
got so many exciting things that we have in store
(25:10):
for you coming up in twenty twenty five. And I
want you to know that I am blessed, that I
am honored. I will never I promise you this, I
will never take this seat for granted. It is truly
a privilege to support you. Thank you so much for listening.
Brace your power of choice, Feed the right wolf. Merry Christmas,
(25:30):
Happy Hanukah, May your holidays be great, And thank you
for listening. Have a great day.
The holidays are supposed to be joyful, but for many
they are some of the hardest days of the year.
I know this pain all too well. I've been in
that dark place, and just recently I lost someone close
to me to depression and anxiety, and I want to
talk about that today. My name is Craig Perra. I'm
(00:21):
the founder of the Mindful Habit System, and for the
past twelve years, I've been leading men to create and
sustain healthy sexuality and great lives. Today, we're going to
highlight the struggle of depression and anxiety during the holidays
and why it's so important to address mental health openly.
Just want to make an announcement. We're going to talk
(00:42):
about suicide and suicidal ideations. I prefer announcements over trigger warnings,
but take that as you wish. This is a deeply
personal episode to me, comes from my own journey, and
I want to honor this recent loss that I experienced,
So I want to talk a little bit about me,
(01:03):
and I want to talk about the sense of hopelessness
that I have felt and most recently have felt, despite
their being no reason why I should be hopeless being
down experiencing grief because of the loss of my friend,
but hopeless. No, So I want to bring you back
(01:26):
to my lowest point fourteen years ago, I'm fired from
my job, caught by my wife for acting out. At
that low point, I tried to hurt myself. I ingest
at a pace, a pile full of synthetic stimulants, hoping
my heart would explode. I was out of control with
(01:48):
my sexual behavior and I just wanted to end the pain.
And it was dark. It was one of my lowest points.
There have been a number of low points, because the
other thing that I've come to learn about myself is
(02:10):
that the holidays were a time to act out. For me,
the holidays, the added stress, anxiety, year in Bologney, all
of it drove me insane. And so what would I
do to escape from that insanity. I would act out
(02:30):
in the holidays because of the increased celebration, disruption of
my schedule, not taking care of myself, and because it
was Christmas. I deserve the reward, I deserve the treat.
So I'd often act out, sink into a low place,
feel hopeless, have to numb, cope and escape from those feelings.
(02:53):
And we got to interrupt those patterns, and I want
to give you some specific guidance today on how to
address that. I also want to add a personal experience
recently that prompted this episode. A week maybe before Thanksgiving,
a name and a face of someone who I haven't
been in contact for a while popped up on my
(03:15):
Facebook page and I said, I've going to reach out
to this person. I did not reach out to this person,
and now they're gone. I got a message from his
wife I don't know days later, a week later that
he took his life. I felt guilty, I felt sadness, helplessness,
(03:42):
and that helplessness led to hopelessness. And we're going to
talk a little bit about that. These experiences, as painful
as they are, have taught me that there is always
more that we can do to love, support, and lead
ourselves in those around us. And that is absolutely critical
(04:07):
during the holidays. I'm sorry to break it to some
of you, brothers, but you got underlying mental health issues.
The bigger, the greater the addiction, the greater the underlying
mental health issues. I have not seen an exception to
that rule in twelve years helping people. You add to that,
(04:27):
you add to that to holidays and let's talk a
little bit about the holidays. Ninety percent of Americans report
feeling stressed during the holidays. Surprise, surprise. Sixty four percent
of individuals with mental illness experience a worsening of symptoms
during the holidays. Seventy one percent of adults report increased
anxiety during the holiday season. Half of Americans feel lonely
(04:51):
during the holiday season. The National Institute on Drug Abuse
reports that alcohol and drug use increases during the holidays,
especially among individuals with pre existing mental health conditions. Alone,
and listen, you do not have to be diagnosed to
have pre exist to have mental health conditions. They exist
(05:13):
a spectrum suicide. While suicide rates are generally lowered during
the holidays, they increased among certain demographics, such as older
adults individuals with mental health disorders. Almost half of Americans
experience sleep problems during the holidays, and a half of
(05:34):
Americans worry about their finances during the holiday seasons. And
this notion of this perfect holiday, this narrative of how
it's supposed to be perfect and how it's supposed to
be joyful, can amplify feelings of failure, of loneliness, of hopelessness, hopelessness,
(05:57):
and that brings some of us to a dark place
when you talk about are when you look at it
from a parts work perspective, and those of you who
have been listening to my podcast have heard me talk
about this concept of parts work, which is not only
(06:20):
an incredibly practically obvious model to create great results, self
leadership and positive outcomes, it is supported by neuroscience. It's
the foundation for the Pixar movie Inside Out. The concept
is featured in the book No Bad Parts by doctor
(06:40):
Richard Schwartz, which I highly recommend. It'll change your perspective
on psychology because what you learn in that book is
that all behavior is need seeking behavior. My addic part
that used to go crazy during the holidays needs seeking behavior.
(07:01):
Even the part that made me feel hopeless, and I'll
talk about more in this in detail in another podcast,
but even the part that depressed, the part that's hopeless,
the part that's anxious that's right from the Pixar Moving anxiety,
the part that's fearful, all of these parts are trying
(07:23):
to meet needs in what is critical. You must learn
this skill set. You must learn this skill set to
listen to them instead of fighting them, because fighting them
is not leadership. The goal that you're going for is
self leadership leading these parts to healthy outcomes. Because guess what,
(07:43):
because some of you brothers listening to me right now,
I've been in this game a long time in recovery,
but you're still struggling. You're still struggling because you thought
the triggers would go away. They don't. You thought that
you wouldn't have these reactions anymore. You will, And we're
going to talk about that. Before we get into that,
(08:04):
I want to give you some tools and strategies. So
here are some things that you can do during the
holidays to make it better. And here's the thing about
making it better. When you got mental health problems and
you got these parts that feel hopeless, that feel lonely,
that feel depressed, that are anxious, it is critical not
(08:26):
to suppress them because that what you resist persist. The
pain doesn't get worse, doesn't get better, it gets worse.
And you can experience the joy of connecting with people,
the joy of receiving gifts, of giving gifts. Although that
childhood wounds there that drives me crazy, it can coexist. Right.
(08:49):
You can have pain and discomfort and experienced joy. It's
not one or the other. We're trained to think binary.
There's an evolutionary component to this or that, yes or no,
fight or flight, but that's not reality. Allow both to coexist.
(09:10):
And here's something specifically you can do to beat, not beat,
to lead the depressed, anxious, not good enough addict parts
of you. One break the habit of isolation. Take one
small action to connect. This is perfect timing. It's the
(09:32):
holiday season. Call friends, text somebody, join the support group. Right,
These small incremental actions are critical. Small attainable goals are
critical to create identity change in their easier. They're not
easy because we're not natural connectors, are we? It's not
(09:56):
natural for us to reach out. Our partners may be
going to this event or going to that. We might
go to the work thing. But are you connecting with friends? Right? Critical?
Absolutely critical during the holidays. The second concept that I
want to share with you is reinforce what I just
said about self leadership. Right. Our parts don't go away,
(10:17):
our triggers don't go away. You are going to struggle.
That's life. Self leadership is leading, not pushing away the pain.
It's holding space for these parts. Getting curious about those
reactions and treating those wounds proactively. Right. The third thing
(10:43):
that you can do. We're coming up on the new year.
What can you do to operationalize your purpose? Okay, I'm
going to do a whole other podcast on operationalizing purpose.
Quick footnote, You'll see a lot out there about chasing
your purpose, living your purpose. Purpose is important. People who
have purpose live better lives and live longer. Okay, I
(11:05):
know what my purpose is. What do I do about?
But operationalizing purpose means weaving your purpose into the fabric
of your reality. And you could do that very simply
by gratitude journaling once a day for sixty seconds. Right down,
three things that you're grateful for. You can operationalize your
(11:27):
purpose by helping someone else. I'm a member of our
local South Plaza Rotary Club. I love helping people. It's
what I do. It feeds me. I love supporting my
local community. You can post a quote that you see
within your field division that inspires you. You can build
(11:48):
a shrine in your bedroom that reminds you every day
about some of the difficult experiences that you might have
had as a child. You can have a statue of
a flying which is what I have over there. You
can't see it. But someone early on, someone who was
very successful owned and sold two companies, told me that
(12:11):
the chance of me launching a life coaching business was
as good as a pig flying. So there's my pig
over there, and that reminds me of the struggle and
the challenges. And I did it twelve years. Were coming
up on thirteen years in January, Brothers, thirteen years. There's
the wolf over there too. You can't see that either.
My purpose is reflected within my field division. The other
(12:35):
thing that you can do is simple acts of self care.
You're not going to be perfect, there's no way you're
going to be perfect during the holidaday season. But what
is one small trivial thing you can do to take
better care of yourself before you go to bed. You
could do a few burpies. You can do a few
(12:55):
jumpin Jackson for you guys out there who were crushing
already wonderful, think about what maybe you can do around mindfulness.
Maybe you meditate for sixty seconds three times a day.
You sit there, sit in the discomfort, and you count
your breaths. Learning to sit in this discomfort is one
of the most important things that you can do for yourself.
(13:20):
And if you notice the examples that I gave you
were pretty small. You don't need to do big things.
That's the thing, right, nothing I do is good enough.
I'm always gonna be a failure. It's so stupid for
me to do this small thing. I have had three
clients lose one hundred pounds starting with walking out to
the driveway and walking back. And the reason why that
(13:43):
was so effective because in that ridiculously attainable goal, of
course I can do that. I walk to the car
every day. They don't know where their running shoes is,
haven't put on a pair of shorts in a while.
But that's attainable, right, But there was still hard. They
still weren't able to do it every day because there's blocks.
And so when you set those small goals, that magnifies
(14:04):
those blocks and gives you an opportunity to address them
versus complete failure. I'm going to run a mile a day. Great,
if that's you do it, But you have to ask
yourself is it attainable? If you're not doing it, it's
not attainable. This is a capacity issue. Brother, All of
this is a capacity issue. If you would do it.
(14:25):
You could, you can't. And these are some simple ways
for you to create capacity. Here's something that I want
to say that I realized recently, and it's very, very
important that you hear this message. I think this is
really the most important thing that I want to share
(14:46):
during this podcast. I please, please, please take this to heart.
All the work that you're doing on yourself does not
immunize you from well, let me ask you, right, So
let's say you're in recovery, you're working hard on yourself,
You're going to your therapist. Maybe you got years and
(15:07):
years of sobriety, years and years of success. Does that
work that you did on your brain and on your
heart immunize you from future physical injuries? Course not. That's
a preposterous assertion. Of course it does not. Does it
immunize you from future mental health issues? It does not.
(15:29):
This work that you're doing does not immunize you from
future mental health issues. It gives you tools to manage
them better. That's what this is about, learning to manage
them better. And yes, over time they get less frequent. Yes,
over time they get less severe. But I promise you
(15:50):
you are going to experience a life event like losing
a friend, financial challenges, work challenges, relationship challenges that you
haven't yet experience, and is going to punch you in
the face, and you're gonna feel like you haven't done
a stitch of work on yourself. You are going to
(16:10):
feel that way. I like to teach that you will
feel hopeless. You will be stressed, you will be anxious,
you will be depressed, and you will get triggered like
you never have in your life. Like you're gonna be
your worst triggers ahead of you, not behind you. It's
ahead of you. I don't care how much work you've
done on yourself. I learn about his passing, I immediately
(16:37):
pull the emergency brake. I tell Michelle, tell Tony, call
my cousin Chris, call my friend Andy, immediately reach out.
I was, in fact, very very proud how just quickly
I was able to reach out to people and share
with them that I was really struggling. It was a
powerful place for me, and I felt really pleased that
(17:00):
I had those people that I could be safe with,
that I could share that I could be vulnerable with.
It really really was transformative, and I am very grateful
to them. The other thing that I did. And here's
a developmental milestone for all of you. And this is
critical because that what you resist persists. There's essentially two
(17:21):
components to any mental problem that you're having. Component one
is being able to sit in the discomfort, being able
to be present with the discomfort, versus having to do
something about it. I gotta do my trigger response plan,
I gotta call somebody, I could do all these things.
All those things are great, and those are the things
what happens in the beginning. Those are the things that happen.
(17:45):
That's level one. Level two is being able to sit
in that discomfort as the observer and be mindful, be
in the present moment on purpose without And there was
a time not that long ago, past week maybe two,
(18:08):
where I was really down. Like I said, there's no
reason to be hopeless. I'm the healthiest, happiest, more connected
with Michelle, wonderful things happening in the community, no reason
for it except I experienced this lass and I remember
making conscious effort to sit in that discomfort as the observer,
(18:31):
and in that low point, I learned something very very powerful. First,
as I connected with the thoughts that I was having.
Oh and some of the thoughts were sexual triggers. And
one of the thoughts that I had, I had a
new trigger. Brothers, here's the new trigger alert. I hadn't
had this one before, at least I can't remember having
(18:53):
this one before. If anyone heard me talk about it
in the previous podcast, let me know. But I'm telling
this that tell you you're gonna get triggered. And here's
what my trigger was, Craig. And here's what Addix said
to me, Craig, we can get away with it. They'll
forgive you, your clients, your listeners, your family, They'll forgive you.
(19:14):
Look at what you're going through. Man, new trigger, new trigger.
So when I had that trigger, I made the choice
to sit in the discomfort and as I paid attention
to the thoughts, the hopelessness with the sexual triggers, to
escape from the hopelessness. And I not just was the
observer of my thoughts. I connected in that moment deeply
(19:38):
into my body. It really really felt like an emotional Catharsis.
If you've been in therapy and had one of those
pow moments, the firework moments, That's what it felt like.
And I said to myself, oh my god, this is
exactly when I would have acted out. This is it,
This is the holiday bender that I would go on,
This would have precipitated it. This is exactly what I
(20:01):
felt like, Oh my gosh. The second thing that happened
was I was flooded with a wave of empathy and
compassion for myself, reflecting on some of the challenges that
I've had as a child, as an addict, I as
(20:26):
a where I was of that discomfort. Because I was
so aware of that discomfort, I was saying to myself,
oh my god, you poor bastard, this feels very uncomfortable.
This is very dysregular. I am so so so sorry
that when you experience loss or pain or discomfort, you
(20:47):
have these thoughts and you feel this way, and that
connection has followed me. It feels like the past seven days.
It's like seven to ten days. I forget exactly. I
get fuzzy on those dates. Six concussions, but it's carried
with me. I've been able to use that presence around
(21:10):
the discomforts and fear, and none of the presence I
get are going to be good enough. I've got fifty
things to do, I've only done three of them. That overwhelm,
that need to escape, that build, that build, the resentment,
the lack of control, the interruptions, the fund the festivities.
I've been able to be present with that discomfort in
(21:32):
a way that I hadn't been able to before, and
it has been very, very powerful. So that is a
challenge for all of you. Obviously, if you're at level one,
you notice the trigger, you react, right, You do what
you gotta do. You gotta do what you gotta do
to interrupt it. As you grow and as you're able
(21:52):
to create some space, I invite you to do absolutely nothing.
And doing absolutely nothing is going to be one of
the hardest things that you've ever done, and it will
also be one of the most rewardings because that means
you're able to sit in it out reacting, strengthening that core,
(22:14):
reinforcing the identity of someone who is in control, someone
who has compassion for themselves, someone who loves themselves. Okay,
now all that aside. If you are struggling, get help, therapist,
(22:35):
counselor support group, online, friend mindful habit get help. We
got a program that's ninety nine dollars a month. You
can find it on the website. Weekly webinar all the training,
So money should not be an option. Seven day free trial,
(22:58):
thirty day money back guarantee. Right, there's better help. There's
lots of places for you to get support, get help.
You can't do it alone. There are too many blind spots.
There are too many blind spots. If you're struggling, you
are not alone, and there is a path forward these
(23:20):
low points. The great thing about these low points is
that they are opportunities. Right. We know failures an opportunity professionally, well,
guess what same rules apply personally. Small changes, those little
things I mentioned before, can lead to profound transformation. And
it is these small changes executed over extended periods of
(23:42):
time that lead to identity change. Who you are? Who
you are and if you are really struggling in the
chat in the description, I'm going to have some mental
health resources that I invite you to reach out to.
I beg you to reach out to if necessary. The
holidays do not have to break you. They can be
(24:05):
a time to rebuild and find strength that you did
not know you had. In order to create a different outcome,
you must do something different. Right. Depression, anxiety, bad habits
opportunities to grow when approached with love and intention. And
I want to conclude first, I want to wish you
(24:28):
all a merry Christmas for my Jewish brothers and sisters,
Happy Hanukkah. I want to leave you with this quote,
one of my favorite quotes from a poem. It's called
when is a monster not a monster? Oh when you
love it? When is a monster not a monster? Oh
when you love it? Thank you so much for listening.
(24:50):
Thank you so much for your time. It is a
great privilege to serve. I live a blessed life. Michelle
and I are so honored to support people at their
low points and support their long term success. We're so
excited for our retreat coming up in March, and we've
got so many exciting things that we have in store
(25:10):
for you coming up in twenty twenty five. And I
want you to know that I am blessed, that I
am honored. I will never I promise you this, I
will never take this seat for granted. It is truly
a privilege to support you. Thank you so much for listening.
Brace your power of choice, Feed the right wolf. Merry Christmas,
(25:30):
Happy Hanukah, May your holidays be great, And thank you
for listening. Have a great day.
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