May 1, 2025 • 22 mins
If you've ever promised yourself "never again"—only to fall back into the same compulsive patterns—this episode is for you.
In this raw and powerful lesson, Craig Perra, founder of The Mindful Habit System, exposes why the traditional all-or-nothing, abstinence-only model for treating sex and porn addiction keeps men stuck in shame and failure.
Drawing on the powerful case study of a client named Don, Craig unpacks the psychological cost of using sex to regulate fear, anxiety, and trauma since childhood—and why the key to lasting freedom lies in setting realistic, attainable goals rooted in science, not shame. You’ll learn:
🔗 Learn more and get help today at mindfulhabithelp.com
In this raw and powerful lesson, Craig Perra, founder of The Mindful Habit System, exposes why the traditional all-or-nothing, abstinence-only model for treating sex and porn addiction keeps men stuck in shame and failure.
Drawing on the powerful case study of a client named Don, Craig unpacks the psychological cost of using sex to regulate fear, anxiety, and trauma since childhood—and why the key to lasting freedom lies in setting realistic, attainable goals rooted in science, not shame. You’ll learn:
- Why most men relapse in abstinence-only programs
- How to separate porn from masturbation as a first harm-reduction step
- Why frequency, time, and severity must be tracked to build healthy sexuality
- How to break the perfection/failure cycle and build a culture of success
🔗 Learn more and get help today at mindfulhabithelp.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, what's up, brothers.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Have you ever promised yourself never again and then found
yourself back doing it, drowning in shame? Or what about
this total perfection or total failure trapped in this black
and white way of thinking that is killing your process?
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Well, then this lesson is for.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
You, because listen, the brutal truth is we have been
using sex in some capacity to numb, cope, and escape
since we were children, thousands of times. No, and for
you men here seeking to hold yourself to that higher standard,
I salute you. You are part of the new sexual
revolution where smart men are saying, I don't think this
(00:46):
is healthy. I am breaking free from the cult of beauty.
I'm controlling it so it doesn't control me. I know
that my sexual energy is powerful, and with great power
comes great responsibility. I am privileged that you are here
helping you wield that power. And when I want to
(01:09):
talk about today, we're talking about real, attainable goals, real leadership,
real success because you.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Do not.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Need to be perfect to win this fight. Insisting on
perfection will make you miserable and keep you stuck in
a cycle of shame in the path. For most men,
the path to healthy sexuality runs through healthy er sexuality.
So we are going to talk today about an alternative
(01:40):
to the all or nothing approach. But let me tell
you about Don. Don was a client that came to
me from two failed sex and porn addiction treatment programs.
He was profoundly disregulated, serious underlying mental health issues, but
all he had been doing is focusing on his porner.
He needed local medical stabilizing assistance, and as a coach,
(02:06):
it's really important to know your lane.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
He needed medical attention.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
He got it, and when he got in the program,
we made sure he had a local therapist. And when
he started the program, I said, listen, Don, let's put
the sex and porn addiction aside for a minute. Let's
put the sex and porn addiction aside for a minute,
and instead, let's set attainable goals. Because this all or
(02:33):
nothing approach that he was taking was simply not attainable.
In fact, it was causing him profound dysregulation.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
What Don didn't realize was that his PMO.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Because he was also acting out with people when he
tried to remove the PMO, his porn masturbation orgasm was
the glue holding his fragile psyche together, and because he
was an or nothing, abstinence only approach, he was repeatedly failing.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
In making things worse.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
So after arguing because it's a sin like ah, you know,
what do we do with that?
Speaker 1 (03:17):
And I have conversations about lesser sins all the time.
And listen.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
The groups that are most in opposition to a harm
reduction approach, and that's what we're going to talk about today,
tends to be my brothers of faith, Christians, Muslims, Jews.
Those brothers our most resistance to harm reduction. And what
they're doing is they're setting themselves up for failure because
(03:45):
their goals are not attainable.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
They're simply not attainable.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Let's just talk for a second about the problem that
we are trying to solve. We are talking about your
sexual health, your sexual energy. One of the most powerful
forces in human nature is out of control, out of control,
and you're using that energy to regulate fear, stress, anxiety,
(04:17):
fear of not being good enough, fear of failure, fear
of getting in trouble, shame, it's fear.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
So you're using this.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Powerful force to regulate fear. And when did that regulation begin?
Back in childhood as far back as you can remember.
You were googling, you can probably remember the first magazine picture.
If you're older like me, you can probably still remember
(04:45):
those first experiences. You have been using sex to numb, cope,
and escape in some capacity since you.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Were a child.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Let's calculate frequency for a second, right, just so we
can appreciate the scope of the problem we're trying to
solve and why this way is the right way for
so many people. Let's calculate frequency. How many times have
you used PMO to escape discomfort in your lifetime. It's
(05:16):
not in the tens, it's not in the hundreds, it's
in the thousands, thousands and thousands and thousands of time.
You have defaulted to an old pattern in what wires
together fires together.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
As soon as we help don.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Create some distress tolerant skills like learning to respond to
triggers is one of the most important skill sets you
can give yourself in life, and it's more important to
do it in the non sexual triggers. Once see strengthen
his core and we started setting up some small attainable
goals around self care, and he's feeling better about himself.
(06:03):
What he did, he wasn't perfect, but he created a
culture of success to counterbalance how deeply entrenched that wiring is.
So there are two schools of thought in addiction recovery.
There's abstinence, which is most of the traditional sex and
(06:23):
porn addiction treatment programs are based on.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
And then there's harm reduction. And what I want to
be clear about is.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
I believe that one way is going to get you
quicker to that goal of self mastery, mastery of self, mastery.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Of your domain.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
But one way creates a culture of failure, all nothing,
all nothing, all nothing. I mean, that's the model. You're
going to give up that chip? Are you going to
get that new one? Failure and listen, I get it,
it's an important metric. But if to break a habit,
you have to make news that meet those needs. We
(07:03):
got to focus on the make a habit. It's conditional.
You have to do one if you want to counter
the other. So we've got to create some forward momentum there.
And the simple truth is that all or nothing is
not attainable. It's simply not attainable, and as a result,
(07:25):
you're not And this is hard, guys, let's face it, right,
but being honest with your partners when this blows up
in your face and that habit that you justified, like
when shined under the light of day, like oh my god,
Like what am I doing? I'm risking my marriage for this.
I'm risking seeing my kids for this. I'm risking my
(07:49):
integrity and my.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Soul for this.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
And at that low point, man, in your partner's pain,
it should be enough to keep you on the straight
and narrow.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
I wish it was. It is not enough. It is
not enough.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
And anybody who knows anything about business knows you must
set attainable goals.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
You know, so many.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Guys want to say to their partners something like this.
It's like, honey, I fucked up so bad. I have
done this habit using pleasure selfishly to escape discomfort thousands
of times, like thousands of times, I have hidden it.
(08:37):
I have kept it a secret. I feel shame about it.
I'm so ignorant. I convinced myself it wasn't impactful. But
I gotta be real with you. I'm banged up. I'm
banged up.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
The greater my addiction, the deeper.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
The underlying mental health issues, The greater the lies, the
greater the underlying issues, there are underlying issues, honey, and
I commit to doing everything in my power to be
the man that you know is inside me, that I
know is inside me. And there's gonna be some stumbles
(09:15):
along the way, right, I cannot pretend that your anger
is sufficient to help me not do the thing. The
oasis to beacon. And I know it sounds crazy. The
security blanket is like a warm blanket. I am so sorry.
I have been using it to regulate for decades and
I am so, so so sorry, and I'm gonna fix it.
(09:39):
And I'm going to fix it by being honest. Right, guys,
this is more an integrity issue than it is a
sexual one, at least for the overwhelming majority of people.
I'm going to start being honest. And there's a couple
of ways that you can be honest. One of them
is to masturbate without porn. Separate the porn from the masturbation.
(10:00):
And that is one of the most important pieces of
advice I give to my religious brothers, because when they
start the program, they're so disregulated, they're so drowning in shame,
they're so resisting, resisting, resisting. We're gonna be honest about
it here. We're gonna talk about it. When someone says
they slip, we're gonna celebrate. Congratulations. Man, Now we can
(10:21):
learn from it. Now we can grow from it. And guys,
let's just scope out this problem a little bit more.
There was a study done in I think two thousand
and thirteen, it's called the Banos Study, and it found
that fifty among a whole bunch of other religious trends,
that fifty three percent of ministers religious leaders self reported
(10:45):
that they had struggled recently with porn. Sixty seven percent
of youth ministers admitted to struggling with porn. Can you
imagine the different conversation we'd have if all those people
would be honest.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
See, but they can't be honest.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
Even the leader of the church can't be honest because
he's going to board of directors. We'd be having conversations
about this. You know what, Okay, if it wasn't all
or nothing, then what where would we want to impact that?
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Right?
Speaker 2 (11:19):
If it wasn't all or nothing, if we were going
to give harm reduction in a shot and actually set
attainable goals, what variables.
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Would we impact right?
Speaker 2 (11:29):
What could we do to recognize that the journey to
healthy sexuality runs through healthier and you do not have
the capacity that not jerk off, I wish you did,
You wish you did, We all wish you did, but
you don't.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
This is a capacity issue.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
And when you have a capacity issue, you're going to
address the reality around that lack of capacity. So you
have to set attainable goals. Goal number one separate the
porn from the masturbation. But that's a trap. Let me
just tell you right now that you know like yet.
And so here's the question you have to ask yourself.
Are you continuing to masturby and watch porn?
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Yes? Do you continue to fall flat on your face? Yes?
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Okay, you get like you know, thirty day, sixty days,
ninety days, flat on your face?
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Yes? Okay. Well and how long has this pattern been
repeating itself? For years?
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Okay, Well, we're not gonna do that anymore. We are
going to start thinking about healthier. So when you separate
the porn from the masturbation, what guys realizes how deeply.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Impactful those visuals are.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Sometimes they go soft, sometimes they can't ejaculate. But that's
an important lesson in of itself of how dependent you
have become on that visual stimulation instead of being presentent
in the moment whatever you're going on with a partner,
So that expect that expect that it can be very frustrating,
(13:04):
but also an important depth on that man's journey to
healthy sexuality, separating from the porn, from the masturbation. Okay,
the other variables that you can target is frequency, how
often it happens. Right, So, if you got somebody you
(13:26):
know who's been doing it three times.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
A day for thirty years, and we.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Want to create a culture of success in that man's
life instead of a.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Culture of failure.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
We have to set attainable goals because, as you guys know,
has been listening to me for years, and thank you,
this is a.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Ridiculously difficult problem to solve. Heroin was easier because it's different.
It's different.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
If I want to buy heroin, I gotta call somebody sketchy,
I gotta drive somewhere. I gotta you know, steal money,
I gotta know, explain my whereabouts.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
For a period of time. This is different.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
It's right in that phone that's looking at me right now,
right in that phone.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
No matter how far down the road you get, you're
only three feet away. From the ditch and sex and
port addiction. It's one foot, it's one foot. So if
we separated the porn from.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
The masturbation, if we reduced frequency how often it's happening.
And the other impact is severity. So risk equals frequency
time severity. Frequency is how often it is and severity
is how severe it is, and two severity impacts can
be number one length of time.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Right, the a three minute bender.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Is healthier than a two hour edging, shame fueled, self deprecating,
self harming seen healthier, healthier. So frequency, severity, the amount
of time, and the other severity, which is fun to
see guys, impact is on what they're watching. So instead
(15:14):
of there's all or nothing, and there's a kind of
trickery that happens here too. You may have heard the expression,
let the fool persist in his folly and he shall
become wise. Yeah, do it, do it, be mindful of it,
let's journal around it, let's try to be more present,
(15:35):
let's try to make better choices.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Wait a minute, this is a trap. This is a trap.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
And what you do is you infect the system with
the power of choice because you're making positive choices around
those variables.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Separating the porn from the masturbation.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Watching it less frequent, watching it for less amount of time,
and watching less severe content. You're making choices, and those
choices breed other choices in those choices create more choice,
and before you know it, you're able to control that
(16:17):
and you say, Okay, what's next. Right now, I want
to work on masturbation. I want to master my domain.
I know my sexual energy is powerful, and I'm gonna
channel it.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
I'm going to transmute it.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
I'm going to direct it in a healthy, constructive way
where I want it to go. So many of you
listening are stock in the all or nothing approach. It
is not you. It is the model. It is broken,
and it is reinforced by shame. It is so difficult
(16:55):
to be honest. I hope you can find a place
where failure is a celebrated so you can learn about them.
And here's the other thing that doesn't get discussed when
the all or nothing approach as much as it should be,
the nibbling around the edges right, because it feels like
it's just a jump to the other side.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
But it's not.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
It's a look here, a peak here, and wait a minute, now,
you're in conflict with your identity. Right, I thought we
were breaking free from the cult of beauty. Do I
need to see more pixelated flesh?
Speaker 1 (17:28):
No?
Speaker 2 (17:28):
I do not.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
I'm exercising choice.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
So you have to talk about nibbling around the edges
and in the all or nothing economy, my experiences that
those issues don't get enough voice.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
So be honest with yourself.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
Right, look at if you're trying to set a goal
for yourself, look at the past three months, four months,
whatever the right timeframe is, and say, what's my baseline,
How often on average am I doing it? How long
am I doing it? Let me set an attainable goal
for the next seven days, the next fourteen days, the
next twenty one days. And the other reason men why
(18:11):
it's so important to set attainable goals because this is
one of these difficult conversations that you need to have
with your partner. And I believe this conversation represents emotional
maturity because you're not gonna make promises you can't keep anymore.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
You're gonna be realistic and you're gonna talk about how
significant of a problem this is and how often it's
happened and how long you've been doing it, and I'm
a shame you feel you've gotta be honest, because oh
I can stop, I barely do it. You are lying
and you're making it worse.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
You are leading your partner to believe that this is
not a difficult endeavor, when it is, in fact one
of the most difficult endeavors you will embark on on
your entire life, to hold yourself to a higher standard,
to not succumb to the proliferating cult of beauty that
(19:19):
is infecting us men in so many ways, on so
many different levels. Who would have thought, men that this
magazine that we saw crinkled up in the gutter in
the woods under a rock, behind a tree, this magazine
would turn into.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
A virus.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
That is destroying families, rotting men's souls, corrupting them from
the inside, making them feel like failures. Well, you are
not a failure. I don't care how many times you
slipped and you stumbled.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
You are here. You are listening.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Please, I beg you set attainable goals. You will be
better for it. Your relationship will be better for it.
You will confront the problem for what it is a difficult,
difficult endeavor to break a habit so wired into our
(20:24):
biology and reinforced by an environment and culture. Man, So,
I salute you for those about to rock I salute
you for trying to hold yourself to a higher standard,
trying to break free from the cult of beauty, trying
(20:46):
to honor your partner and be a better man, and
be a role model for your daughter.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Not like the other dads.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Please, guys, right, every friend group has a dad, right,
anybody got teenage daughters here?
Speaker 1 (21:00):
Every friend group's gonna dad. Not us, No, sir, not us.
We are gonna hold.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Ourselves to a higher standard because our sexual energy is powerful,
and it is an honor and a privilege to help
you transmute that power into creating and sustaining a great life.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
If you are struggling, please do not wait until rock bottom.
If you believe your sexual energy is a powerful force
and it must be proactively nurtured, manage, curated, honored, respected,
and if you are not respecting it, please don't wait.
(21:43):
Get help. Visit mindfulhabit heelp dot com, check out some
of the free resources, and check out my main three
coaching programs. You can even call the number, Click the
link and set up an appointment to talk to me
personally for me to tell you about the programs and
answer your questions. Okay, life is too short to suck.
(22:04):
Embrace your power of choice. Feed the right wolf. And
this is Craig Perra, founder of the Mindful Habit Systems.
And you are listening to sex afflictions and porn addictions.
And thank you for being part of my journey. I
see you, brother rock on
Hey, what's up, brothers.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Have you ever promised yourself never again and then found
yourself back doing it, drowning in shame? Or what about
this total perfection or total failure trapped in this black
and white way of thinking that is killing your process?
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Well, then this lesson is for.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
You, because listen, the brutal truth is we have been
using sex in some capacity to numb, cope, and escape
since we were children, thousands of times. No, and for
you men here seeking to hold yourself to that higher standard,
I salute you. You are part of the new sexual
revolution where smart men are saying, I don't think this
(00:46):
is healthy. I am breaking free from the cult of beauty.
I'm controlling it so it doesn't control me. I know
that my sexual energy is powerful, and with great power
comes great responsibility. I am privileged that you are here
helping you wield that power. And when I want to
(01:09):
talk about today, we're talking about real, attainable goals, real leadership,
real success because you.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Do not.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Need to be perfect to win this fight. Insisting on
perfection will make you miserable and keep you stuck in
a cycle of shame in the path. For most men,
the path to healthy sexuality runs through healthy er sexuality.
So we are going to talk today about an alternative
(01:40):
to the all or nothing approach. But let me tell
you about Don. Don was a client that came to
me from two failed sex and porn addiction treatment programs.
He was profoundly disregulated, serious underlying mental health issues, but
all he had been doing is focusing on his porner.
He needed local medical stabilizing assistance, and as a coach,
(02:06):
it's really important to know your lane.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
He needed medical attention.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
He got it, and when he got in the program,
we made sure he had a local therapist. And when
he started the program, I said, listen, Don, let's put
the sex and porn addiction aside for a minute. Let's
put the sex and porn addiction aside for a minute,
and instead, let's set attainable goals. Because this all or
(02:33):
nothing approach that he was taking was simply not attainable.
In fact, it was causing him profound dysregulation.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
What Don didn't realize was that his PMO.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Because he was also acting out with people when he
tried to remove the PMO, his porn masturbation orgasm was
the glue holding his fragile psyche together, and because he
was an or nothing, abstinence only approach, he was repeatedly failing.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
In making things worse.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
So after arguing because it's a sin like ah, you know,
what do we do with that?
Speaker 1 (03:17):
And I have conversations about lesser sins all the time.
And listen.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
The groups that are most in opposition to a harm
reduction approach, and that's what we're going to talk about today,
tends to be my brothers of faith, Christians, Muslims, Jews.
Those brothers our most resistance to harm reduction. And what
they're doing is they're setting themselves up for failure because
(03:45):
their goals are not attainable.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
They're simply not attainable.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Let's just talk for a second about the problem that
we are trying to solve. We are talking about your
sexual health, your sexual energy. One of the most powerful
forces in human nature is out of control, out of control,
and you're using that energy to regulate fear, stress, anxiety,
(04:17):
fear of not being good enough, fear of failure, fear
of getting in trouble, shame, it's fear.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
So you're using this.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Powerful force to regulate fear. And when did that regulation begin?
Back in childhood as far back as you can remember.
You were googling, you can probably remember the first magazine picture.
If you're older like me, you can probably still remember
(04:45):
those first experiences. You have been using sex to numb, cope,
and escape in some capacity since you.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Were a child.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Let's calculate frequency for a second, right, just so we
can appreciate the scope of the problem we're trying to
solve and why this way is the right way for
so many people. Let's calculate frequency. How many times have
you used PMO to escape discomfort in your lifetime. It's
(05:16):
not in the tens, it's not in the hundreds, it's
in the thousands, thousands and thousands and thousands of time.
You have defaulted to an old pattern in what wires
together fires together.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
As soon as we help don.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Create some distress tolerant skills like learning to respond to
triggers is one of the most important skill sets you
can give yourself in life, and it's more important to
do it in the non sexual triggers. Once see strengthen
his core and we started setting up some small attainable
goals around self care, and he's feeling better about himself.
(06:03):
What he did, he wasn't perfect, but he created a
culture of success to counterbalance how deeply entrenched that wiring is.
So there are two schools of thought in addiction recovery.
There's abstinence, which is most of the traditional sex and
(06:23):
porn addiction treatment programs are based on.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
And then there's harm reduction. And what I want to
be clear about is.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
I believe that one way is going to get you
quicker to that goal of self mastery, mastery of self, mastery.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Of your domain.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
But one way creates a culture of failure, all nothing,
all nothing, all nothing. I mean, that's the model. You're
going to give up that chip? Are you going to
get that new one? Failure and listen, I get it,
it's an important metric. But if to break a habit,
you have to make news that meet those needs. We
(07:03):
got to focus on the make a habit. It's conditional.
You have to do one if you want to counter
the other. So we've got to create some forward momentum there.
And the simple truth is that all or nothing is
not attainable. It's simply not attainable, and as a result,
(07:25):
you're not And this is hard, guys, let's face it, right,
but being honest with your partners when this blows up
in your face and that habit that you justified, like
when shined under the light of day, like oh my god,
Like what am I doing? I'm risking my marriage for this.
I'm risking seeing my kids for this. I'm risking my
(07:49):
integrity and my.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Soul for this.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
And at that low point, man, in your partner's pain,
it should be enough to keep you on the straight
and narrow.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
I wish it was. It is not enough. It is
not enough.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
And anybody who knows anything about business knows you must
set attainable goals.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
You know, so many.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Guys want to say to their partners something like this.
It's like, honey, I fucked up so bad. I have
done this habit using pleasure selfishly to escape discomfort thousands
of times, like thousands of times, I have hidden it.
(08:37):
I have kept it a secret. I feel shame about it.
I'm so ignorant. I convinced myself it wasn't impactful. But
I gotta be real with you. I'm banged up. I'm
banged up.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
The greater my addiction, the deeper.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
The underlying mental health issues, The greater the lies, the
greater the underlying issues, there are underlying issues, honey, and
I commit to doing everything in my power to be
the man that you know is inside me, that I
know is inside me. And there's gonna be some stumbles
(09:15):
along the way, right, I cannot pretend that your anger
is sufficient to help me not do the thing. The
oasis to beacon. And I know it sounds crazy. The
security blanket is like a warm blanket. I am so sorry.
I have been using it to regulate for decades and
I am so, so so sorry, and I'm gonna fix it.
(09:39):
And I'm going to fix it by being honest. Right, guys,
this is more an integrity issue than it is a
sexual one, at least for the overwhelming majority of people.
I'm going to start being honest. And there's a couple
of ways that you can be honest. One of them
is to masturbate without porn. Separate the porn from the masturbation.
(10:00):
And that is one of the most important pieces of
advice I give to my religious brothers, because when they
start the program, they're so disregulated, they're so drowning in shame,
they're so resisting, resisting, resisting. We're gonna be honest about
it here. We're gonna talk about it. When someone says
they slip, we're gonna celebrate. Congratulations. Man, Now we can
(10:21):
learn from it. Now we can grow from it. And guys,
let's just scope out this problem a little bit more.
There was a study done in I think two thousand
and thirteen, it's called the Banos Study, and it found
that fifty among a whole bunch of other religious trends,
that fifty three percent of ministers religious leaders self reported
(10:45):
that they had struggled recently with porn. Sixty seven percent
of youth ministers admitted to struggling with porn. Can you
imagine the different conversation we'd have if all those people
would be honest.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
See, but they can't be honest.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
Even the leader of the church can't be honest because
he's going to board of directors. We'd be having conversations
about this. You know what, Okay, if it wasn't all
or nothing, then what where would we want to impact that?
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Right?
Speaker 2 (11:19):
If it wasn't all or nothing, if we were going
to give harm reduction in a shot and actually set
attainable goals, what variables.
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Would we impact right?
Speaker 2 (11:29):
What could we do to recognize that the journey to
healthy sexuality runs through healthier and you do not have
the capacity that not jerk off, I wish you did,
You wish you did, We all wish you did, but
you don't.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
This is a capacity issue.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
And when you have a capacity issue, you're going to
address the reality around that lack of capacity. So you
have to set attainable goals. Goal number one separate the
porn from the masturbation. But that's a trap. Let me
just tell you right now that you know like yet.
And so here's the question you have to ask yourself.
Are you continuing to masturby and watch porn?
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Yes? Do you continue to fall flat on your face? Yes?
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Okay, you get like you know, thirty day, sixty days,
ninety days, flat on your face?
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Yes? Okay. Well and how long has this pattern been
repeating itself? For years?
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Okay, Well, we're not gonna do that anymore. We are
going to start thinking about healthier. So when you separate
the porn from the masturbation, what guys realizes how deeply.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Impactful those visuals are.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Sometimes they go soft, sometimes they can't ejaculate. But that's
an important lesson in of itself of how dependent you
have become on that visual stimulation instead of being presentent
in the moment whatever you're going on with a partner,
So that expect that expect that it can be very frustrating,
(13:04):
but also an important depth on that man's journey to
healthy sexuality, separating from the porn, from the masturbation. Okay,
the other variables that you can target is frequency, how
often it happens. Right, So, if you got somebody you
(13:26):
know who's been doing it three times.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
A day for thirty years, and we.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Want to create a culture of success in that man's
life instead of a.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Culture of failure.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
We have to set attainable goals because, as you guys know,
has been listening to me for years, and thank you,
this is a.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Ridiculously difficult problem to solve. Heroin was easier because it's different.
It's different.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
If I want to buy heroin, I gotta call somebody sketchy,
I gotta drive somewhere. I gotta you know, steal money,
I gotta know, explain my whereabouts.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
For a period of time. This is different.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
It's right in that phone that's looking at me right now,
right in that phone.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
No matter how far down the road you get, you're
only three feet away. From the ditch and sex and
port addiction. It's one foot, it's one foot. So if
we separated the porn from.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
The masturbation, if we reduced frequency how often it's happening.
And the other impact is severity. So risk equals frequency
time severity. Frequency is how often it is and severity
is how severe it is, and two severity impacts can
be number one length of time.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Right, the a three minute bender.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Is healthier than a two hour edging, shame fueled, self deprecating,
self harming seen healthier, healthier. So frequency, severity, the amount
of time, and the other severity, which is fun to
see guys, impact is on what they're watching. So instead
(15:14):
of there's all or nothing, and there's a kind of
trickery that happens here too. You may have heard the expression,
let the fool persist in his folly and he shall
become wise. Yeah, do it, do it, be mindful of it,
let's journal around it, let's try to be more present,
(15:35):
let's try to make better choices.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Wait a minute, this is a trap. This is a trap.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
And what you do is you infect the system with
the power of choice because you're making positive choices around
those variables.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Separating the porn from the masturbation.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Watching it less frequent, watching it for less amount of time,
and watching less severe content. You're making choices, and those
choices breed other choices in those choices create more choice,
and before you know it, you're able to control that
(16:17):
and you say, Okay, what's next. Right now, I want
to work on masturbation. I want to master my domain.
I know my sexual energy is powerful, and I'm gonna
channel it.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
I'm going to transmute it.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
I'm going to direct it in a healthy, constructive way
where I want it to go. So many of you
listening are stock in the all or nothing approach. It
is not you. It is the model. It is broken,
and it is reinforced by shame. It is so difficult
(16:55):
to be honest. I hope you can find a place
where failure is a celebrated so you can learn about them.
And here's the other thing that doesn't get discussed when
the all or nothing approach as much as it should be,
the nibbling around the edges right, because it feels like
it's just a jump to the other side.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
But it's not.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
It's a look here, a peak here, and wait a minute, now,
you're in conflict with your identity. Right, I thought we
were breaking free from the cult of beauty. Do I
need to see more pixelated flesh?
Speaker 1 (17:28):
No?
Speaker 2 (17:28):
I do not.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
I'm exercising choice.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
So you have to talk about nibbling around the edges
and in the all or nothing economy, my experiences that
those issues don't get enough voice.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
So be honest with yourself.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
Right, look at if you're trying to set a goal
for yourself, look at the past three months, four months,
whatever the right timeframe is, and say, what's my baseline,
How often on average am I doing it? How long
am I doing it? Let me set an attainable goal
for the next seven days, the next fourteen days, the
next twenty one days. And the other reason men why
(18:11):
it's so important to set attainable goals because this is
one of these difficult conversations that you need to have
with your partner. And I believe this conversation represents emotional
maturity because you're not gonna make promises you can't keep anymore.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
You're gonna be realistic and you're gonna talk about how
significant of a problem this is and how often it's
happened and how long you've been doing it, and I'm
a shame you feel you've gotta be honest, because oh
I can stop, I barely do it. You are lying
and you're making it worse.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
You are leading your partner to believe that this is
not a difficult endeavor, when it is, in fact one
of the most difficult endeavors you will embark on on
your entire life, to hold yourself to a higher standard,
to not succumb to the proliferating cult of beauty that
(19:19):
is infecting us men in so many ways, on so
many different levels. Who would have thought, men that this
magazine that we saw crinkled up in the gutter in
the woods under a rock, behind a tree, this magazine
would turn into.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
A virus.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
That is destroying families, rotting men's souls, corrupting them from
the inside, making them feel like failures. Well, you are
not a failure. I don't care how many times you
slipped and you stumbled.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
You are here. You are listening.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Please, I beg you set attainable goals. You will be
better for it. Your relationship will be better for it.
You will confront the problem for what it is a difficult,
difficult endeavor to break a habit so wired into our
(20:24):
biology and reinforced by an environment and culture. Man, So,
I salute you for those about to rock I salute
you for trying to hold yourself to a higher standard,
trying to break free from the cult of beauty, trying
(20:46):
to honor your partner and be a better man, and
be a role model for your daughter.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Not like the other dads.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Please, guys, right, every friend group has a dad, right,
anybody got teenage daughters here?
Speaker 1 (21:00):
Every friend group's gonna dad. Not us, No, sir, not us.
We are gonna hold.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Ourselves to a higher standard because our sexual energy is powerful,
and it is an honor and a privilege to help
you transmute that power into creating and sustaining a great life.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
If you are struggling, please do not wait until rock bottom.
If you believe your sexual energy is a powerful force
and it must be proactively nurtured, manage, curated, honored, respected,
and if you are not respecting it, please don't wait.
(21:43):
Get help. Visit mindfulhabit heelp dot com, check out some
of the free resources, and check out my main three
coaching programs. You can even call the number, Click the
link and set up an appointment to talk to me
personally for me to tell you about the programs and
answer your questions. Okay, life is too short to suck.
(22:04):
Embrace your power of choice. Feed the right wolf. And
this is Craig Perra, founder of the Mindful Habit Systems.
And you are listening to sex afflictions and porn addictions.
And thank you for being part of my journey. I
see you, brother rock on
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